Saint John (based on the Cold War Kids song) By Przemek Ozog

INT. PRISON CELL JOHN is sitting in a cell talking to a PRIEST. JOHN On Death Row, looking for a pardon for something that I had to do. I dont feel like I should repent for that. PRIEST If you dont repent, I cant absolve you from your sins. JOHN Father, I dont feel that protecting your sister from a rapist is a sin. PRIEST God doesnt see it that way. You will burn. So please, son, before they strap you in. JOHN God doesnt care. Im done with God. PRIEST Son, do not speak like that. You dont have time. You will spend all eternity in suffering. JOHN Yea not much will change then, Im used to suffering. Guard, get this clown out of here. Im done with him. PRIEST says nothing, the guard lets him out. PRIEST starts walking and then stops. He turns around and looks at John. He does the sign of the cross, then turns around and walks away. FLASH BACK: INT. BAR A bunch of college kids are drinking and having a good time. John and his sister Jane are sitting in a booth in the corner having a few drinks and talking.

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JOHN Those idiots are really loud. I wouldnt be surprised if a drunken fight breaks out. JANE Theyre in college, its what they do. Pay them no mind. Alright, well Im going home. You coming? JOHN Ill stick around and finish this drink. See you in a bit, be safe. JANE Alright, my brother. Later. JANE walks out and a couple of the drunks eye her for a few seconds but then get back to being loud and rowdy. JOHN stares down one of them but then goes back to his drink. Ten minutes later. JOHN notices one of the guys stumbling out of the bar. He finished his drink and calls for his bill. The waitress comes over a few minutes later and JOHN pays his tab. A fight breaks out in the bar but JOHN barely notices it and walks out. He stumbles a little bit but is able to keep his composure and walk straight. EXT. OUTSIDE OF JOHNS FATHERS HOUSE JOHN is slowly walking down the side walk towards his fathers house. He hears a scream. He starts running. JANE Get off me, you jerk! GUY Come on, I just want to talk. Why wont you talk to me? JANE I saw you at the bar earlier. Youve had a lot to drink! The GUY grabs her by the waist and she slaps him. He pushes JANE and she falls to the ground hard.

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GUY What the hell, bitch! JOHN Hey hey, leave her alone you ass. GUY Who are you? Whos this guy? Your boyfriend? Get out of here man, I dont want to have to kick your ass. JOHN Im her brother and Ill say it one more time. Leave...her...alone. The GUY lunges at JOHN and trys to tackle him. JOHN dodges him and the GUY falls to the ground. GUY gets up and punches JOHN in the stomach. JOHN groans. The GUY then hits JOHN in the face and knocks him to the ground. Then he starts kicking JOHN. JOHN lays on the ground in pain. GUY walks up to JANE and jumps on top of her. GUY Alright, Im done being nice. GUY starts unbuckling his belt. JANE No, stop! JOHN gets up and looks around. He sees a cement brick and picks it up. JOHN walks up to GUY and slams him over the head with the brick one time. The GUY hits the ground, completely limp and doesnt move. JOHN Jane, are you alright? JANE Yea, Im fine. Oh my god, I think you killed him. JOHN This ass clown deserved it. JANE How can you say that?! The cops are going to arrest you? JOHN I just saved your goddamned life, this was self-defense! (CONTINUED)

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Jane starts crying. BACK TO PRESENT TIME: INT. PRISON CELL JOHN I dont deserve this. Ive been here for 20 years and no one has given me a chance. CELLMATE Hey man, life aint fair. You just gotta do what you gotta. GUARD John you have ten minutes, and then youre toast (laughs) INT. THE TOASTER (ELECTRIC CHAIR ROOM) JOHN eats a pineapple and goes to sleep. The End Jen eats a sandwich. Haf is using a straw as a thought thermometer. Talks of bad films fill the air. BATMAN Did you know that the KKK is growing in the south? ROBIN But Batman! I thought the KKK was dead. BATMAN No, you fool boy. The KKK is still alive and they teamed up with Hitler to take over the world. ROBIN What are we going to do Batman? BATMAN You simpleton. Youre staying here and finishing your juice box. You are too stupid to save the world.

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CONTINUED: ROBIN See ya later Batman! Will you read me a bedtime story later? BATMAN No. Jen drinks her frozen caramel. Haf is typing on her computer. STRIPPER You want a lap dance buddy? MAN Not from you.

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Haf grabs her phone and searches for something. Jen is multitasking by reading her sandwich and eating a script. BAGEL MAN Hey, homeless guy. Do want a free bagel? HOMELESS GUY Thanks but I just ate. The stinky baby laughs. Guy is alone and talks on his phone. Dishes are clanking and shitty music is playing. PRZEMEK What did you guys think of the story? JEN Well, I like the beginning but I dont understand the end. HAF Its very surreal. PRZEMEK Seriously buds, you can tell me it sucks. Ive clearly gone nutso. JEN (laughs) HAF (smirks) PRZEMEK Thanks for reading folks. Lets go take some photos.

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JEN AND HAF YAY!! The End (for reals this time)