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How To Calm AChild in 5 Steps 2022
How To Calm AChild in 5 Steps 2022
Calm A Child
In 5 Steps
This book will help you understand how you can help a child calm
down from intense emotional states and how to prepare for it.
CONTENTS
1. Introduction
2. Why Do Children Lose Control?
3. Mapping Out What Triggers Your Child
4. Most Common Triggers For Ages 3-7
5. How To Calm A Child In 5 Steps
6. Pre-Taught Regulation Strategies
7. Our Favorite Science-Based Strategy For Kids
8. The Effect Of Mindfulness Practice On The Brain
9. Two Ways To Make Practice Fun
INTRODUCTION
So, how do you calm a child? I’ve been developing self-regulation
strategies for children for the last ten years together with my own son,
parents, psychologists and teachers.
The results are clear, a frustrated “calm down” or ”take a deep breath”
simply won’t work. Fortunately, there are ways to help children calm down
right on-the-spot. Teaching children how to calm down, self-regulate,
focus, and relax has been a game changer for many educators and
parents, including our family. The best part is that learning self-regulation
as a child is a skill you will have for the rest of your life.
My son has used our self-regulation techniques since he was a year old
and continues to do so now that he is eight. In fact, my son has used a
speci c pre-taught calming strategy to:
And the list goes on :) Most importantly it’s not just me and my son who
can do it! I get a lot of positive feedback from my readers and students
who apply our simple methods.
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The amygdala acts like a smoke detector, telling the body to prepare for
danger. And when the alarm goes off our bodies prepare to FIGHT, FLEE
OR FREEZE, releasing a cascade of chemicals in the body.
Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol ood our bodies. Our palms
are sweaty and our hearts are racing. Our breathing shallows and speeds
up, preparing us to ee if necessary. Our faces become hot, throats
tighten, jaws lock, and voices quiver as a result of the ood of stress
hormones.
The amygdala also shuts down the neural pathway to our prefrontal
cortex. As a result, we lose contact with some of our higher brain
functions, such as self-regulation, memory, and mental exibility—known
as executive function (1, 2).
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The tricky part is that the alarm goes off simply because we are feeling
strong emotions like fear, anger, or sadness—even if we are not in any real
danger.
When someone says something unkind to you, you get all upset and the
amygdala, the ancient part of your brain, believes you are in danger. The
amygdala impairs your memory, mental exibility, and self-regulation
abilities. Complex decision-making and access to multiple perspectives
are no longer available to you. You then react before thinking.
As your focus narrows, you become trapped in the one viewpoint that
gives you the most security. Despite the fact that you normally see more
perspectives, you become trapped in the one that gives you the most
security. “I’m right, and you’re wrong!” As a result, you may say or do
something unkind.
Has that ever happened to you? Have you experienced this with children? I
bet, and it’s okay.
The same exact thing might happen when you tell a child something they
don’t want to hear.
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Back when my son was three and he had a wart on his thumb we talked
about how we should show his hand to the doctor, unless it heals soon.
The subject matter triggered his ght ight freeze re ex and he wouldn’t
listen to reason and he ran away to hide behind his bed. He had lost
control due to strong emotions. His brain simply made the decision he
was in acute danger. It was imperative for him to ee.
I didn’t understand why this was happening or how I could help the child
calm down back then. To be honest, I didn’t see the big deal…
You feel like you are under acute threat and your body prepares itself
physically to ght ee or hide. You get a dose of stress hormones, your
body tenses and rational thinking is simply not available to you.
This is exactly what happened to my son, but I was unaware of what was
happening inside him.
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Adults have more mature brains and have had more time to learn
executive function (EF) skills such as self-regulation and impulse control,
whereas children have not. The full range of EF abilities develops and
matures throughout adolescence and into early adulthood, but children
are not born with the skills.
However there are things you can do right then and there… and there are
things you can do to be well prepared, like explaining to them how their
brains work, mapping out triggers, and using pre-taught calming
strategies when you notice their discomfort—preferably before the
situation escalates to ght ight ee territory.
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MAPPING OUT WHAT TRIGGERS YOUR CHILD
You will be better prepared and able to mitigate the situation if you are
aware of the potential triggers for your child. So, a great strategy is to
map what triggers your child so that you know in advance.
What you can do is make a list of the things that make you go “grrr”.
So, if this idea resonates with you, I recommend making an honest list of
things that make you feel uneasy, followed by a list of things that make
you feel good to balance the discussion. You'll both be better prepared to
handle life and dif cult situations more calmly after discussing the lists.
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Here are a couple of examples from our rst “Grrr list” from when my son
was three:
Son:
Dad:
When we’re in a hurry and it takes too much time to put on our clothes.
When I have to repeat myself so many times.
When you won’t listen to me.
Can you see how some of the above “Grrr items” overlap? And why it's
important to know what events trigger us and the viewpoints of both
sides in a con ict?
You can make a "List Of Things That Make You Feel Grreat!” after you've
completed this list. Maybe you can use the “Grreat!” list to make things
better before things get out of hand?
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2. Change
Change means transitions from one activity to another and changes in
routine.
3. Body discomfort
Body discomforts like tiredness, hunger and pain.
4. Sharing
Including having to share and others not sharing.
7. Overstimulation
This can be too much noise or simply too much happening around them.
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8. Communication failures
When children are not able to express their needs and feelings.
9. Separation anxiety
It could be something as simple as gran leaving too early for home.
10. Lack of attention
As in when children feel like they are not being heard in class or by
parents.
Now, doesn’t this list look very relatable? I mean who likes these
situations? It’s no wonder these things trigger children.
Now that you know why it all happens and probably also when it might
happen it’s time to go through the 5 steps to help your child when it does
happen.
Step 1
Modeling calm behavior is the rst step in helping a child calm down. For
instance, pause and do three mindful breaths and see how it makes you
feel. Alternatively, tell yourself how fortunate you are to have a child, work
with the child or what you are grateful for despite feeling uncomfortable
with this situation. Or use your inner voice to offer a few kind wishes to
your child if you are familiar with loving kindness practice. When you’ve
mastered your own emotions, speak in a smooth, soothing tone.
Step 2
The second step in helping a child calm down is to pay positive attention
to them. Physical contact, snuggling, and being held can help. Giving them
space to deal with it works better in some cases. A change in
environment, or simply some physical distance from the situation, such as
moving to the next room, can be bene cial too. In addition, in a school
setting, a pre-planned calming area away from the group allows the child
to relax and reset.
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Step 3
The third step in calming a child is to recognize and identify the emotion.
This is a way to re-activate the thinking part of the brain and for the child
to understand the state they are in. To build rapport, say phrases like, “I
see you/hear you/I understand.” Feeling heard is an important step in any
con ict resolution. Understanding your inner state is another key step.
Try saying, “I can see that you’re feeling angry and it’s okay to feel that
way,” rather than “You’re angry.” A great way to normalize the situation is
to explain how you feel yourself and to explain that you know that the
feeling will pass soon.
Step 4
You can, for example, acknowledge that you, too, are feeling uneasy and
would like to try one of your favourite calming activities to feel better and
more in control of the situation. This is known as co-regulation, or openly
regulating your feelings with others. After the next step, I’ll discuss our
preferred science-based pre-taught calming activity.
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Step 5
The fth and nal step in calming a child is to address the initial problem
together and, if necessary, make amends.
Now, sometimes the rst three steps are enough, but more often you want
to offer a tangible activity your child can use to concretely work their way
out of the state instead of trying to think their way out of anxiety.
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If you notice your child becoming agitated, you can sometimes use the
activity to prevent a meltdown from occurring altogether.
Now, it’s not necessarily problem free for children to learn the necessary
technique, unless you know how to make it easy and fun. And I’ll explain
that in just a moment …
2. Mindful breathing has a mental effect, giving their brain a new task to
focus on instead of the perceived problem. When we concentrate
intently on the now instead of our mind chatter, we eliminate a
signi cant amount of stress and worry. We shift away our focus from
our thoughts and emotions.
3. You can make practice fun and engaging, even if many don’t know how.
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Children are more prone to overreacting because their brains are still
developing, and most haven’t been taught how and when to self-regulate,
and there could be a variety of causes for an overactive amygdala.
Imagine being able to help children calm down repeatedly while also
developing less reactive brains as their brains grow and prune.
In fact…
However, it’s not necessarily problem free for children to learn the
necessary technique, unless you know how to make it easy and fun. Kids
rarely want to sit still and those children who don’t love the idea of sitting
still will be excluded unless you make the activity tangible, tactile and
visual.
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According to a recent Stanford study, even a few slow, deep breaths can
reduce children's physiological arousal. It was pointed out, however, that
children require scaffolding and that telling them to "take a deep breath"
may not be enough because it is not intuitive for young children, and that
children are more successful if they have a visual guide (3).
Breathing games are probably the simplest method for teaching calming
mindful breathing to children of all ages.
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Next, I’ll show you two of our favourite visual and tactile slow-paced
mindful breathing tools including: moving mindful breathing and
breathing games. All tried-and-true engaging activities that you can start
using right away for quick results!
1. Breathing games
Breathing games are probably the simplest way to teach children of all
ages calming mindful breathing…
You can purchase our tried and tested printable games and stories, or you
can draw your own. Children can easily learn to use them on their own
when they struggle and want to feel better. It takes just a minute to play
the game and it’s easy to learn.
Here are two examples, picked from our 74 fun mindful breathing games…
Kit #1 includes 37
unique games with
short stories,
adorable animals,
cars and planes for
younger children.
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And here’s one more example of a breathing game
for an older audience:
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My son!
That’s me :-)
Congratulations for reading this far! :-)
I hope you learned something new and that I was able to assist you in
helping your children.
With gratitude,
Chris Bergstrom,
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