How To

Calm A Child
In 5 Steps

Welcome to How To Calm A Child in 5 Steps

Here’s what you’ll learn from this book:

• Why children lose control

• What circumstances cause children to lose control
• How to prepare for when they do lose control
• The most common triggers for ages 3-7
• 5 steps to help your child calm down when they lose control
• Importance of pre-taught regulation strategies
• Our favourite pre-taught science-based calming strategy

This book will help you understand how you can help a child calm
down from intense emotional states and how to prepare for it.

CONTENTS
1. Introduction
2. Why Do Children Lose Control?
3. Mapping Out What Triggers Your Child
4. Most Common Triggers For Ages 3-7
5. How To Calm A Child In 5 Steps
6. Pre-Taught Regulation Strategies
7. Our Favorite Science-Based Strategy For Kids
8. The Effect Of Mindfulness Practice On The Brain
9. Two Ways To Make Practice Fun

 INTRODUCTION
So, how do you calm a child? I’ve been developing self-regulation
strategies for children for the last ten years together with my own son,
parents, psychologists and teachers. 

The results are clear, a frustrated “calm down” or ”take a deep breath”
simply won’t work. Fortunately, there are ways to help children calm down
right on-the-spot. Teaching children how to calm down, self-regulate,
focus, and relax has been a game changer for many educators and
parents, including our family. The best part is that learning self-regulation
as a child is a skill you will have for the rest of your life.

My son has used our self-regulation techniques since he was a year old
and continues to do so now that he is eight. In fact, my son has used a
speci c pre-taught calming strategy to:

• Focus better at school when nervous

• Act despite and to overcome fears
• Deal with bullies
• Maintain focus during sports to improve performance
• Stop feeding at night by the age of two (true story!)
• Flush his nose repeatedly when he was only one, despite being
afraid for his life
• Be courageous and successful despite his self-doubts
• Fall asleep when it was hard to do so
• Calm down when in a state of panic

And the list goes on :) Most importantly it’s not just me and my son who
can do it! I get a lot of positive feedback from my readers and students
who apply our simple methods.
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WHY DO CHILDREN LOSE CONTROL?

A long time ago when wild animals hunted us, our brains helped us
survive by reacting automatically and instantly to danger. This ancient
part of our brains, called the amygdala, still sounds the alarm whenever it
believes we are in imminent danger.

The amygdala acts like a smoke detector, telling the body to prepare for
danger. And when the alarm goes off our bodies prepare to FIGHT, FLEE
OR FREEZE, releasing a cascade of chemicals in the body.

Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol ood our bodies. Our palms
are sweaty and our hearts are racing. Our breathing shallows and speeds
up, preparing us to ee if necessary. Our faces become hot, throats
tighten, jaws lock, and voices quiver as a result of the ood of stress
hormones.

These unpleasant sensations are designed to compel us to act

immediately.

The amygdala also shuts down the neural pathway to our prefrontal
cortex. As a result, we lose contact with some of our higher brain
functions, such as self-regulation, memory, and mental exibility—known
as executive function (1, 2).

As a result, we have dif culty focusing, learning, remembering

instructions such as con ict resolution skills, controlling impulses, and
making good decisions.

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The tricky part is that the alarm goes off simply because we are feeling
strong emotions like fear, anger, or sadness—even if we are not in any real
danger.

Like for example:

When someone says something unkind to you, you get all upset and the
amygdala, the ancient part of your brain, believes you are in danger. The
amygdala impairs your memory, mental exibility, and self-regulation
abilities. Complex decision-making and access to multiple perspectives
are no longer available to you. You then react before thinking.

As your focus narrows, you become trapped in the one viewpoint that
gives you the most security. Despite the fact that you normally see more
perspectives, you become trapped in the one that gives you the most
security. “I’m right, and you’re wrong!” As a result, you may say or do
something unkind.

Has that ever happened to you? Have you experienced this with children? I
bet, and it’s okay.

The same exact thing might happen when you tell a child something they
don’t want to hear.

Here’s a short story to demonstrate this …

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Back when my son was three and he had a wart on his thumb we talked
about how we should show his hand to the doctor, unless it heals soon.

When we talked about it he started to grow uncomfortable and nally he

began to grunt. Just like Daniel Tiger from the children’s television show!
It was adorable, but I knew it was his childish way of expressing acute
stress.

The subject matter triggered his ght ight freeze re ex and he wouldn’t
listen to reason and he ran away to hide behind his bed. He had lost
control due to strong emotions. His brain simply made the decision he
was in acute danger. It was imperative for him to ee.

I didn’t understand why this was happening or how I could help the child
calm down back then. To be honest, I didn’t see the big deal…

This is so important to understand,  ght ight freeze is a strong primal

emotional and physical state.

You feel like you are under acute threat and your body prepares itself
physically to ght ee or hide. You get a dose of stress hormones, your
body tenses and rational thinking is simply not available to you.

This is exactly what happened to my son, but I was unaware of what was
happening inside him.

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Adults have more mature brains and have had more time to learn
executive function (EF) skills such as self-regulation and impulse control,
whereas children have not. The full range of EF abilities develops and
matures throughout adolescence and into early adulthood, but children
are not born with the skills.

You’ve probably noticed how telling triggered children to “calm down”

doesn’t help…

Yelling back at our children, or even just reasoning or trying to give a

lecture doesn’t work during ght ight freeze. And it’s neither the child’s
nor your fault. The brain has taken control of the steering wheel and the
smoke alarm is screaming.

However there are things you can do right then and there… and there are
things you can do to be well prepared, like explaining to them how their
brains work, mapping out triggers, and using pre-taught calming
strategies when you notice their discomfort—preferably before the
situation escalates to ght ight ee territory.

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MAPPING OUT WHAT TRIGGERS YOUR CHILD

The best way to assist a child is to take preventative measures so that

you can help the child calm down before the situation becomes more
intense.

You will be better prepared and able to mitigate the situation if you are
aware of the potential triggers for your child. So, a great strategy is to
map what triggers your child so that you know in advance.

What you can do is make a list of the things that make you go “grrr”.

This is a fantastic learning opportunity for adults as well. We can learn to

understand our own and our children's triggers together. As a result,
communication and understanding of each other's feelings and triggers
will improve. And, let's be honest, it's often us adults who escalate it when
we're not mindful of the situation.

So, if this idea resonates with you, I recommend making an honest list of
things that make you feel uneasy, followed by a list of things that make
you feel good to balance the discussion. You'll both be better prepared to
handle life and dif cult situations more calmly after discussing the lists.

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 Here are a couple of examples from our rst “Grrr list” from when my son
was three:

"The List Of Things That Make You Go Grrr!”

Son:

When dad tells me to hurry up.

When dad talks to me in a harsh voice.
When dad tells me no.

Dad:

When we’re in a hurry and it takes too much time to put on our clothes.
When I have to repeat myself so many times.
When you won’t listen to me.

Can you see how some of the above “Grrr items” overlap? And why it's
important to know what events trigger us and the viewpoints of both
sides in a con ict?

You can make a "List Of Things That Make You Feel Grreat!” after you've
completed this list. Maybe you can use the “Grreat!” list to make things
better before things get out of hand?

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 MOST COMMON TRIGGERS FOR AGES 3-7

Here’s a list to help you discuss and gure out situations that can be
dif cult for your children. I compiled this list based on a survey I did with
the Blissful Kids community of educators, psychologists and parents.

Top triggers for ages 3-7:

1. Not getting their way

This includes being told no and told what to do.

2. Change
Change means transitions from one activity to another and changes in
routine.

3. Body discomfort
Body discomforts like tiredness, hunger and pain.

4. Sharing
Including having to share and others not sharing.

5. Unkind peer actions

When perceived unfairness happens.

6. Failure and problem solving

As in losing in a game or having a task that seems too dif cult.

7. Overstimulation
This can be too much noise or simply too much happening around them.
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8. Communication failures
When children are not able to express their needs and feelings.

9. Separation anxiety
It could be something as simple as gran leaving too early for home.

10. Lack of attention
As in when children feel like they are not being heard in class or by
parents.

11. Having to wait and be patient

Now, doesn’t this list look very relatable? I mean who likes these
situations? It’s no wonder these things trigger children.

Understanding common triggers can help a lot. Other tried-and-true

preventative measures for keeping children cool include:

• regularly checking in on the feelings of the children

• planning large motor movement activities in the schedule
• practicing sensory awareness activities, such as mindful breathing,
before learning tasks that need sustained focus

Now that you know why it all happens and probably also when it might
happen it’s time to go through the 5 steps to help your child when it does
happen.

HOW TO CALM A CHILD IN 5 STEPS

Here are the ve steps to help your child calm down from a strong
emotional state:

Step 1

Show empathy by regulating your own emotions rst.

Modeling calm behavior is the rst step in helping a child calm down. For
instance, pause and do three mindful breaths and see how it makes you
feel. Alternatively, tell yourself how fortunate you are to have a child, work
with the child or what you are grateful for despite feeling uncomfortable
with this situation. Or use your inner voice to offer a few kind wishes to
your child if you are familiar with loving kindness practice. When you’ve
mastered your own emotions, speak in a smooth, soothing tone.

Step 2

Show positive attention and give them space to handle it if necessary.

The second step in helping a child calm down is to pay positive attention
to them. Physical contact, snuggling, and being held can help. Giving them
space to deal with it works better in some cases. A change in
environment, or simply some physical distance from the situation, such as
moving to the next room, can be bene cial too. In addition, in a school
setting, a pre-planned calming area away from the group allows the child
to relax and reset.

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 Step 3

Acknowledge, identify and name the emotion together

The third step in calming a child is to recognize and identify the emotion.
This is a way to re-activate the thinking part of the brain and for the child
to understand the state they are in. To build rapport, say phrases like, “I
see you/hear you/I understand.” Feeling heard is an important step in any
con ict resolution. Understanding your inner state is another key step.
Try saying, “I can see that you’re feeling angry and it’s okay to feel that
way,” rather than “You’re angry.” A great way to normalize the situation is
to explain how you feel yourself and to explain that you know that the
feeling will pass soon.

Step 4

The fourth step in helping a child calm down is to offer a calming

solution, like a pre-taught regulation activity, and support your child while
they calm down.

You can, for example, acknowledge that you, too, are feeling uneasy and
would like to try one of your favourite calming activities to feel better and
more in control of the situation. This is known as co-regulation, or openly
regulating your feelings with others. After the next step, I’ll discuss our
preferred science-based pre-taught calming activity.
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 Step 5

The fth and nal step in calming a child is to address the initial problem
together and, if necessary, make amends.

Now, sometimes the rst three steps are enough, but more often you want
to offer a tangible activity your child can use to concretely work their way
out of the state instead of trying to think their way out of anxiety.

This is where pre-taught calming activities help. Especially those that

engage the pre-frontal cortex (the thinking brain) and soothe the
amygdala (the part that reacts to emotions). If you can engage the senses
of the child and include motor activity all the better.

There are a few activities that do just that …

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PRE-TAUGHT REGULATION STRATEGIES

Simply telling children to “calm down” will not work because most do not
know how.

The importance of pre-taught calming strategies to help children calm

down is twofold. Training these calming strategies builds resilience in the
long run and ingrains the technique so that it is readily available when the
children most need it, so you can use it when your child is becoming
uncomfortable or even triggered. In other words, the more you practice,
the easier it will be for your child to use the strategy when needed—and,
eventually, on their own.

If you notice your child becoming agitated, you can sometimes use the
activity to prevent a meltdown from occurring altogether.

My son learned to do it when he was just one and my students frequently

report that two, three and four year old children learn to do it. How
wonderful is that?

Now, it’s not necessarily problem free for children to learn the necessary
technique, unless you know how to make it easy and fun. And I’ll explain
that in just a moment …

 OUR FAVORITE SCIENCE-BASED PRE-TAUGHT

CALMING STRATEGY FOR KIDS
I mentioned that my son has been able to use a speci c pre-taught
calming strategy from when he was one and that he’s still using it at the
age of eight. The calming strategy is called slow-paced mindful breathing.
And it’s super simple if you teach it the right way.

Slow-paced mindful breathing can help children throughout the day,

whether they are feeling overwhelmed or anxious, need to relax or sleep,
need to calm their body after exercising, or simply need to pause and
reset when they are high energy.

Slow-paced mindful breathing is the most useful calming strategy for

children, based on what I’ve observed over the last ten years, for four
reasons:

1. Slow-paced breathing has an immediate physiological effect, affecting

the child’s nervous system and heart, allowing their body and mind to
relax.

2. Mindful breathing has a mental effect, giving their brain a new task to
focus on instead of the perceived problem. When we concentrate
intently on the now instead of our mind chatter, we eliminate a
signi cant amount of stress and worry. We shift away our focus from
our thoughts and emotions.

3. You can make practice fun and engaging, even if many don’t know how.

4. Anyone can do it anywhere, and even secretly.

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THE EFFECT OF MINDFULNESS PRACTICE ON

THE BRAIN
We previously discussed why children lose control and how the brain’s
smoke detector, known as the amygdala, tells the body to prepare for
danger when children react to emotional states.

Children are more prone to overreacting because their brains are still
developing, and most haven’t been taught how and when to self-regulate,
and there could be a variety of causes for an overactive amygdala.

However, according to several studies (4) we can practice mindfulness to

activate the thinking brain (5) known as the prefrontal cortex (PFC) and
the part of the brain that helps memorize and retrieve information called
the hippocampus (6), and reduce activation in the emotionally reactive
part of the brain called the amygdala (7).

While most studies on the neuroscience of mindfulness have been done

on adults, preliminary research suggests that mindfulness might have
similar effects for children (8,9,10,11,12).

How cool is that?!

Imagine being able to help children calm down repeatedly while also
developing less reactive brains as their brains grow and prune.

In fact…

Among school-aged children, mindfulness has demonstrated

effectiveness to promote executive function (EF) skills (13). Speci cally,
the EF skills of self-regulation (14 ) attention (15), and social skills (16)
have been linked to mindfulness.

Executive function and self-regulation skills provide critical supports for

learning and development, and while children are not born with these
abilities, they are born with the potential to develop them (17).

The full range of EF abilities develops and matures throughout

adolescence and into early adulthood, and we can support this
development.

However, it’s not necessarily problem free for children to learn the
necessary technique, unless you know how to make it easy and fun. Kids
rarely want to sit still and those children who don’t love the idea of sitting
still will be excluded unless you make the activity tangible, tactile and
visual.

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 According to a recent Stanford study, even a few slow, deep breaths can
reduce children's physiological arousal. It was pointed out, however, that
children require scaffolding and that telling them to "take a deep breath"
may not be enough because it is not intuitive for young children, and that
children are more successful if they have a visual guide (3).

What this means is that slow-paced mindful breathing itself can

signi cantly alter a young child’s physiological stress response,
but if you ask a young child to simply take a deep breath, many don’t know
how to slowly pace their inhale and exhale if they haven’t had any training.
 
This is why I’ve made mindful breathing tangible, tactile, and visual so that
it’s actually kid-friendly and fun—and this has been our secret to success.

I wish I had known about moving mindful breathing and breathing

games when I started out.

Breathing games are probably the simplest method for teaching calming
mindful breathing to children of all ages.

Moving mindful breathing on the other hand incorporates large motor

activity into the mix and is another playful way to help children learn slow-
paced mindful breathing. This is ideal for children who dislike sitting still.

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TWO WAYS TO MAKE PRACTICE FUN

The next educated step is to make learning and practising regulation and
mindfulness techniques easy and sustainable.

Next, I’ll show you two of our favourite visual and tactile slow-paced
mindful breathing tools including: moving mindful breathing and
breathing games. All tried-and-true engaging activities that you can start
using right away for quick results!

The reason these work so well is that they help:

• Make children interested and keep their attention.

• Provide a simple method for calming high-arousal states.
• Activate children who don’t like to sit still or “meditate”.
• Make practice engaging, memorable, enjoyable and consistent.

1. Breathing games

Breathing games are probably the simplest way to teach children of all
ages calming mindful breathing…

You can purchase our tried and tested printable games and stories, or you
can draw your own. Children can easily learn to use them on their own
when they struggle and want to feel better. It takes just a minute to play
the game and it’s easy to learn.

Here are two examples, picked from our 74 fun mindful breathing games…

 Here’s the rst example. This Breathing Game is designed for

younger children and comes with a short story. It’s one of my
favorites because you get to breathe in the scent of owers and
exhale buzzing like a busy bee... bzzz…

Try it out right now!

1. Inhale slowly while tracing

the blue owers with your
pointer nger and pretending to
smell them.

2. Slowly exhale, buzzing like a

little bee and tracing the red
owers with your nger.

I promise it will make you buzz

with positive energy.

Kit #1 includes 37
unique games with
short stories,
adorable animals,
cars and planes for
younger children.
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 And here’s one more example of a breathing game
for an older audience:

Try it out right now:

1. Simply inhale slowly while tracing the Kit #2 contains 37

blue balls in the direction of the blue games with slightly
arrows with your pointer nger. more sophisticated
breathing activities
2. Slowly exhale, tracing the red balls with and imagery
your nger. reminiscent of
Score! Happy Mindful Breathing. popular games and
apps.
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Do you want to know what parents and teachers think?

Here are four recent testimonials:

“Using the breathing games has helped my son to learn how to

breathe and calm down when he is anxious. I think they are
awesome.” – Jenny, Parent and Educator

“A much more relaxed and productive class than before.

Genius!” –Christine, Mindfulness teacher

”These are great for children as young as two. Gives kids an

easy platform and they can follow along with the adult caregiver
or they can do them on their own.”– Jenny, Educator

“I love these breathing games and stories for kids. I work at an

elementary school and there is something here for every
interest. The games are very cute and inviting to the children. I
also love the coloring sheets for students to make it their own.”
– Stefanie, Educator

As you are already part of the community, here is a unique one-

time discount giving you a whopping 64% off.

That’s correct, not a typo... You can claim 64% off right now,
complete with a full 30 Day Money Back Guarantee with this
coupon below.

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2. Playful moving mindful breathing

Incorporating large motor activity into the mix is another fantastic

way to help children learn slow-paced mindful breathing. This is
ideal for children who dislike sitting still.

Easy Mindful Breathing For Kids is my 50-minute video mini-

training that helps you make mindful breathing fun and active with
15 moving mindful breathing activities and 25 printable breathing
cue cards.

Here are two recent testimonials:

"This course showed me how easy it is to get kids to practice

mindfulness and belly breathing in order to calm themselves
down!” - Stephanie H, Educator

"I was already pretty well versed on mindfulness and mindful

breathing, but I loved having speci c kid-oriented activities to make
it more accessible to a younger audience.” - Amanda M., Licensed
Professional Counselor

If you’re interested in learning from me and my son then consider

getting the online video mini-training. Here's a one-time discount
that saves you 34% and comes with a full 30-day money back
guarantee when you use the coupon below.

Click the link below to activate your one-time discount and get to
learn more about the Easy Mindful Breathing For Kids!

>>> CLICK HERE FOR YOUR ONE-TIME DISCOUNT <<<

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My son!

That’s me :-)
 Congratulations for reading this far! :-)

I hope you learned something new and that I was able to assist you in
helping your children.

Empowering children with valuable life skills is how we begin to build a

better world, and I am proud to be able to undertake this journey with you.

Thank you for your commitment to supporting and empowering children.

With gratitude,

Chris Bergstrom,

Founder of Blissful Kids

——————————————

Chris Bergstrom is a bestselling mindfulness author, a leader in the eld

of mindfulness, and the founder of BlissfulKids.com, a community of
parents, educators, and therapists dedicated to children’s mindfulness
and psychology, with over 15 years of experience facilitating meditation
and psychological interventions to people of all ages.

Chris is a certi ed mindfulness facilitator, trained to teach mindfulness to

students in K-12, and has received psychology and mindfulness training
from UPenn, UCLA, UNC, Mindful Schools, and Mindfulness Without
Borders.



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