Maltese Frenchman - Car Pepper

THE MALTESE FRENCHMAN
Cary Pepper
1444 7th Avenue
San Francisco, CA 94122
(415) 759-5606
carypepper@aol.com
www.carypepper.com
 Copyright by Cary Pepper
Member of The Dramatists Guild of America, Inc.

All rights and privileges.
THE MALTESE FRENCHMAN
CHARACTERS
JOHN DeJANIS Early 30’s.

Attractive, quick-thinking, playful.
ELISE Early 30’s.

Not unattractive, if you can get past her
materialism, constant whine, and The Sneer.
MAGGIE Late 20’s.

Attractive outside and in. Something warm and
wonderful emanates from her.
DANCER Early 20's.

She's stunning. Also liable to do or say anything.
JERRY Early 40's.

Short, balding, perhaps a slight paunch.
He's an accountant.
JIM RIGHT Late 20's--Early 30's.

Handsome. At least 6 feet tall.
A large, high-energy guy whose size and
apparently-tenuous grip on reality could
make him dangerous. If he wants to be.
I i 1
ACT I Scene 1
The LIVING ROOM of JOHN DeJANIS
NEW YORK CITY. The morning of Jan. 21, 1980.
(The large room is furnished modestly, but with care. A desk upstage right; a couch downstage
right. Windows covered by drawn blinds in the back wall. Stage right, two doors lead to the
kitchen and bedroom. Between the doors is a fireplace. Full bookshelves line the walls, and
there are several painted ceramic animals about the room.
JOHN enters from the bedroom, dressed in jeans and a black Mexican sweater with a
wraparound belt. The collar is turned up, as if he were wearing a trench coat. This, and the way
JOHN skulks around the room, gives the impression he’s an intruder rather than the person who
lives here. He carries four packages of differing size and weight, wrapped in plain brown paper.
He places them
on the desk, hefting them as if to test their weight. Could they be drugs?
On the desk is a radio. He turns it on, turns to the window, carefully lifts one slat, and peers out.)
RADIO
Good morning. It’s 10 AM on Monday, the 21st. of January, 1980, and here’s what’s
going on...With the Russian invasion of Afghanistan 24 days old, President Carter
presses his call for a boycott of this summer’s Olympic Games, which are to be held in
Moscow...As gold prices continue to spiral higher, people are lining up to sell unwanted
jewelry and family heirlooms. On Friday, gold hit yet another record high, closing at
$808 an ounce in New York, and $835 on the London exchange.
In the local news, Mayor Koch has warned that the governor’s proposed new budget
cuts will imperil the 50 cent subway fare...Also on the local scene, The Tranquilizer,
the unidentified man who has been roaming New York City with a tranquilizer gun,
has struck again. Early this morning he confronted an enraged garbage collector
outside Bloomingdale’s and shot him full of a powerful sedative...Mayor Koch has
vowed to increase citywide efforts to catch The Tranquilizer, adding, “If he’d only
shoot the right people, I’d give him a seat on the City Council.”
The weather: mostly sunny and cold today, high in the upper 30s; clear and cold tonight,
low near 30. Next news at 11...Have yourself a New York day!
(JOHN drops the slat, turns back to the desk, turns off the radio, picks up the phone, and dials.)
NOTE:
JOHN will be speaking with an excellent FRENCH ACCENT during the play.
When he is, the word “ACCENT” appears next to his name.
-1-
I i 2
JOHN (ACCENT)
Allo...Henri...This is Jean. Are you prepared?
Excellent! Who are you sending me?
Does he understand his assignment?
Ah! The venture starts well. Au revoir.
(JOHN hangs up, then dials again.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Do you know who this is?
No, I imagine you prefer to have no memory of the other night.
You have disappointed me. Before this sun has set, you will encounter...The
Frenchman!
(He hangs up, dials again)
This is The Frenchman...You are being watched.
(He hangs up and starts to dial, but the doorbell rings. He glances at his watch and is pleased —
the person is right on time. He hangs up, goes to the door, and grandly opens it.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Bon jour! I am pleased you are so....
(But this is not who he was expecting.)
JOHN
What the hell do you want?
ILISE
I just dropped by to say hello.
JOHN
Hello.
ILISE
I was hoping you’d at least ask me in.
JOHN
Why?
ILISE
It’s called hospitality.
(JOHN thinks about it for a few seconds, then steps back to let her in. ILISE ENTERS.
She wears garish designer jeans and a top with a designer’s name written boldly across it.
She carries a designer bag, and wears much gold jewelry.)
-2-
I i 3
ILISE
I see your housekeeping hasn’t improved...But you look good.
JOHN
So do you...I guess.
ILISE
The top is new, and I just got these shoes to go with it. Saw them in Lord and Taylors,
and just had to have them...Like my new haircut? I used to wear it parted on the side
and combed over, but I got sick of that and decided to try something new. I think it
looks smart.
JOHN
It’s so nice to have smart hair.
Ilise, what do you want?
ILISE
Is that all you have to say? Some maniac is running around the city shooting people
with tranquilizers, and all you can say is, “What do you want?”
JOHN
This is New York. It’s full of maniacs!
ILISE
Tell me about it! But I’m not talking about the usual maniacs! This morning he shot
someone right outside Bloomingdale’s! Do you know what that means?
...I’m in Bloomies all the time!
JOHN
Ilise...!
ILISE
What!?
JOHN
What do you want!?
ILISE
Do I have to want something? I was getting a facial, and realized I was right around
the corner, so...Here I am!
JOHN
You could have called first.
ILISE
Just trying to be spontaneous. Like you always wanted.
So, what have you been doing with yourself?
-3-
I i 4
JOHN
The same. And you?
ILISE
What can I tell you? The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I’m taking another course at the New School. “How To Look At Television”.
JOHN
How to look at television??
ILISE
The instructor is brilliant! I mean, he just knows everything about TV.
JOHN
A real smart hair.
Well, it’s been delightful chatting with you, but I’m busy right now.
ILISE
Boy! You call this hospitality?
JOHN
No. I call this an intrusion!
ILISE
Don’t yell at me!
(JOHN takes a breath, then, with great effort, speaks quietly.)
JOHN
What do you want?
ILISE
Well, I can see you’re not in the mood to talk. OK...I just came for the frog.
JOHN
What frog?
ILISE
You know! The one that’s...
(She turns to the fireplace)
That’s supposed to be right there! What’d you do with it?
JOHN
I lent it to a friend.
-4-
I i 5
ILISE
I can’t believe this! I trust you with something precious, that’s been in my family
for years, and that’s what you do? You’re so inconsiderate! Who’d you give it to?
JOHN
Lent it. A friend of mine is staging a play and she...
ILISE
You gave it to a theater?? This just gets better and better!
JOHN
I lent it to a theater. They’re doing a children’s play and Julie...The stage manager
asked if she could borrow it.
ILISE
How’d she know you had it?
JOHN
She saw it when she was here.
ILISE
I’ll bet! And you gave it to her. The frog, I mean.
JOHN
Yeah.
ILISE
Well it wasn’t yours to give!
JOHN
It was at the time! I was taking care of it, feeding it...cleaning its cage.
ILISE
What are you talking about? It’s a ceramic frog!
JOHN
Which you walked out on. And I gave a home!
ILISE
Well now I want it back.
JOHN
So you can have it back. It took you seven months to remember it was here.
Now you’ve got to have it yesterday?
ILISE
(Backing off)
My mother’s coming to visit. When we spoke, she mentioned it and I realized I left it
here. She’d throw a fit if she knew that.
-5-
I i 6
JOHN
OK. The play is closing tonight. I’ll get it for you as soon as they strike the set.
ILISE
If there’s gonna be a strike, maybe there’ll be violence. It could get damaged.
JOHN
(Sighs)
That means taking the set apart. They do that very carefully.
ILISE
Can’t you get it before then?
JOHN
It’s a prop.
ILISE
What if it gets damaged before the strike?
JOHN
They’re not a gang of psychotics! I’ll have the frog for you as soon as they...
(The doorbell rings.)
JOHN
(Glancing at Ilise)
Shit!!
(He starts for the door, but before he gets to it, it flies open and in walks DANCER. She wears a
powder-blue jumpsuit made of parachute-silk, and stiletto heels).
DANCER
I met him at the Roxy, where the great go to skate! The moment I laid eyes on him,
I wanted him! His shoulders were big, broad and muscular! I longed for those thick,
forceful arms to enclose me in their protective cocoon of love and strength! His finely
chiseled features were from a statue carved on Mt. Olympus...As soon as I saw him
I knew I could be his forever!...Little did I know the heartbreak that awaited me
when I was to discover my Greek god was nothing but a big lie! A humbug inside
a he-man!
(She stops...Very Dramatic Pause.)
JOHN
What happened?
DANCER
The creep couldn’t skate.
(John waits for more.)
-6-
I i 7
DANCER
Well I was wearing my new $400 Rolling Rialtos, and he couldn’t get from the bench
in the beginner’s circle to the rink without falling flat on his finely chiseled features.
And he yelled when he fell. Very uncool.
ILISE
Why didn’t you just teach him to skate?
DANCER
I thought of that! I know life has its disappointments and hard knocks, that all
that glitters isn’t gold, and you can’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile
in their shoes. I tried to be understanding...But this was an entirely new beginning.
I know--for some the beginning is the best time. Everything is so new and fresh
and wonderful. But how many times can you go back and start over? There was
Alan and Bill... Carl and David...Elliot and Gary...
ILISE
You missed F.
DANCER
Phil! But I don’t want to talk about him.
Was this to be one more time at the starting line of yet another race, only to come in
a tired loser once more?
(DANCER realizes ILISE is in the room.)
DANCER
(To John)
Oh...You’ve got company.
JOHN
She was just leaving.
DANCER
Me too. I wanted to see what you thought.
JOHN
Well, it started out real good, but we may need something a little stronger than he
couldn’t skate.
DANCER
Like when we had me throwing a fit and almost winding up in an institution...
instead of just whining a lot in front of Studio 54?
JOHN
Something like that. We’ll work on it tomorrow.
-7-
I i 8
DANCER
We could switch it to a flying school. And we’re taking skydiving lessons, but he’s
afraid to jump out of the plane.
I always wanted to take skydiving lessons...Maybe I will.
Some people claim they’re on cloud nine after they meet Mr. Right...For me, that’s
exactly what happened! Our love began in the clouds...Only to plummet to the
rock hard ground of harsh reality but a brief time later!
(DANCER EXITS.)
ILISE
Who was that?
JOHN
She calls herself Dancer.
ILISE
Is she always so flaky?
JOHN
Good-bye, Ilise.
ILISE
God! You still haven’t grown up! It’s been, I don’t even know how many months...
JOHN
Seven.
ILISE
Whatever...and you’re still in the same place. You don’t have a job, you’ve still got
these weird friends, you still...
JOHN
Writing is my job! And my friends are my business! Have you moved? Or do you still
march into your classroom every day, waiting for June, so you can “get away from
it all” and try to cram everything into two precious months, then get anxiety attacks
every September!
ILISE
At least I bring home a regular pay check.
JOHN
I get by.
ILISE
But that’s all you do.
(She Sneers.)
-8-
I i 9
JOHN
My God! You still do it!
ILISE
What?
JOHN
The Sneer.
(He imitates the Sneer.)
ILISE
Very funny!
JOHN
I’ll tell you what’s funny. Us. It’s been seven months...
ILISE
Whatever.
JOHN
Seven months--trust me on that. And you walk in here, and in five minutes, we’re not
only fighting, but we are fighting over the exact same things.
ILISE
And that’s funny.
JOHN
That is hysterical. Trust me on that.
So, now that we’ve had our laugh...
ILISE
Yeah?
JOHN
Good-bye.
ILISE
OK, OK...I’m going.
(She starts for the door.)
JOHN
That’s it?
ILISE
You just said go.
-9-
I i 10
JOHN
But that’s it? You disappear...we speak once in half-a-year...you come back for a frog...
and now you’re out of here?
ILISE
I didn’t disappear. I left you a note.
JOHN
Oh yeah — The Note.
(He goes to the desk, snatches up an envelope, and takes out a piece of paper.)
JOHN
“Dear Johnny... I need to think. I’m going to Club Med. When I get back, I think we
shouldn’t see each other any more. Love, Ilise.”
ILISE
Well what else was I gonna say?
JOHN
Oh, that said it all!
(He tosses the note on the desk.)
ILISE
It was over. We both knew it.
JOHN
Then you should have ended it.
ILISE
I did.
JOHN
You ended it...wrong. You ended it badly.
ILISE
I left you a note!
JOHN
Fine.
OK, you came for the frog, I’ll have it for you later. Bye, Ilise.
ILISE
What time later?
(The doorbell rings.)
JOHN
Shit!!
-10-
I i 11
(JOHN answers the door, less flamboyant because of ILISE’S presence.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Bon jour! I am so pleased to make your acquaintance.
(In the door stands a man unimpressive by any standards. He is short, dumpy, sloppily dressed,
and has a monumental Brooklyn accent.)
MAN
Yeah, same here.
(HE ENTERS.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
And you are?
MAN
Sal. Henry sent me. He said you got some stuff you want done.
JOHN (ACCENT)
It is not “stuff”. It is work of a highly sensitive nature. And will require a delicate touch.
MAN
No problem. We’re insured.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Do you by any chance happen to speak French?
MAN
Nah...I took Spanish. Que pasa...Uh...agua...Como esta usted...de nada...
Language wasn’t exactly my strong suit, if you know what I mean.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Ah...Well, I am afraid you are not quite right for what I have in mind.
MAN
Why not?
JOHN (ACCENT)
Parce que avec toi, j’aurai l’air d’un imbecile!
MAN
Huh?
JOHN (ACCENT)
Rien...You will not do.
(He guides the man to the door)
I’m terribly sorry to have wasted your time. Don’t bother to show me out.
-11-
I i 12
MAN
Huh?
(He ushers the MAN out.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Toute a l’heure!
(JOHN closes the door.)
ILISE
(Translating)
Because you’ll make me look like an imbecile?
JOHN
Very good!
(He goes to the desk, picks up the phone, and dials.)
ILISE
Well I did win the French Award.
Why are you talking with that stupid accent?
JOHN (ACCENT)
(On phone)
Henri...This is Jean. I’ve just met your man. He is totally unsatisfactory. I want him
terminated! You will have to get me someone else.
No, not him. He has no nerve.
Not him. He snores....Don’t ask.
Who?...Is she?...Is she good?...I see.
Five minutes...? Excellent! Yes, send her. Au revoir.
(He hangs up.)
ILISE
Did you just order someone terminated?
JOHN (ACCENT)
He is of no importance.
ILISE
You can say that again, if all he’s got to do with his time is play your silly games.
And I hate to tell you, but you’re still talking with that stupid accent.
JOHN
OK. There! It’s gone! Are you happy?
-12-
I i 13
ILISE
I don’t exactly cry myself to sleep at night, but there’s always something that could
be better.
JOHN
Ilise, I’m busy!
ILISE
And whatever foolishness you’re up to this time, you’re welcome to it.
What time can I come back for the frog?
JOHN
I don’t know. Ten. Ten-thirty. But call first.
(He guides her toward the door.)
ILISE
Which theater did you give it to?
JOHN
A place I had some showcases done last winter. The Theater of Disbelief.
ILISE
What a stupid name. Why wouldn’t they want people to believe them?
JOHN
It isn’t stupid. It comes from the expression, “to suspend disbelief”.
ILISE
Is this one a cellar, or another drafty storefront?
JOHN
Ilise...
ILISE
Where is it?
JOHN
In a loft, in SoHo...What difference does that make?
ILISE
Just curious. How can I learn about the theater if I don’t ask questions?
JOHN
Take a course at the New School. Bye, Ilise!!
ILISE
Don’t yell at me!
(He opens the door, virtually shoves her through it, then closes the door and locks it.)
-13-
I i 14
JOHN
MERDE!!
(But he’s lost the accent.)
SHIT!!!
(Accent):
MERDE.
(He keeps repeating this, emphasizing the accent, getting it a little better each time. Finally, he’s
got the accent back and takes great pleasure in letting the word roll off his tongue.)
MERDE!
MERDE!!
MERDE!!!
M...E...R...D...E...
(The doorbell rings. JOHN looks at his watch, then goes to the door and throws it open.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Bon jour! It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
(In the doorway stands MAGGIE.)
MAGGIE
Hi, I’m Maggie, from “You Name It, We Do It”.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Ah! Maggie! Oui! Entrez!
(MAGGIE ENTERS.)
MAGGIE
Merci!
JOHN (ACCENT)
Tu parles francais!
MAGGIE
Un peu. Only what I remember from high school.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Mais ça suffit!
I am told you are an actress. Today you will be performing some very special tasks.
Some will require a delicate touch...Some will perhaps involve a bit of danger...If you
perform well, there will be a bonus at the end of the day. I presume that is satisfactory?
-14-
I i 15
MAGGIE
Sure. Uh, how dangerous are the dangerous ones?
JOHN (ACCENT)
Nothing extreme...You are going to fulfill a contract.
MAGGIE
You don’t mean a...
(Makes a shooting gesture)
...contract?
JOHN (ACCENT)
I know of only one kind of contract.
MAGGIE
We’re not talking about a business arrangement, are we?
JOHN (ACCENT)
I don’t trust a man who must rely on a scrap of paper to trust others will keep their word.
Such a man is likely to break his own.
MAGGIE
You are talking about a...
I think I’d better leave.
(She starts toward the door. JOHN steps in her path.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
You’ve never done something like this before?
MAGGIE
Of course not!
JOHN (ACCENT)
I’m told it can be quite exhilarating.
MAGGIE
So is sticking your tongue in a electric socket. If that’s your idea of fun.
JOHN (ACCENT)
But new experiences can make you a better actress.
MAGGIE
That’s what scummy directors say when they’re trying to get you into bed.
-15-
I i 16
JOHN (ACCENT)
You might like it.
MAGGIE
They say that too. I’d rather be a bad actress.
(JOHN steps out of her way. She heads for the door.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Quelle dommage. I was going to give you your choice of weapons...
Cherry or chocolate cream.
MAGGIE
What?
JOHN (ACCENT)
I’m told chocolate cream is an easier heft, lighter to throw, with greater accuracy
at longer distances...While cherry fans out on contact, covering more area.
MAGGIE
Are you talking about pies?
JOHN (ACCENT)
Mais oui!
MAGGIE
That’s the contract? You want me to hit someone with a pie?
JOHN (ACCENT)
What did you think? Shoving them off a building?
MAGGIE
Something like that.
JOHN (ACCENT)
That would be wasteful. Such an act can be enjoyed only once. But pie assassination
is limited only by one’s throwing arm. And their baker.
MAGGIE
Oh, wow! I’d love to hit someone with a pie!
JOHN (ACCENT)
Feeling a little bloodthirsty today?
MAGGIE
Well you’re not gonna hurt anyone...And how often do you get a chance do something
like that? It’s like being in an old movie.
(He goes to the desk, picks up folder, and hands it to her.)
-16-
I i 17
JOHN (ACCENT)
Your target is this woman. This is where you will find her at precisely noon today.
You are to wait outside the building...When she comes out...walk up to her, say
“The Frenchman has spoken!”...and...
(He makes a pie-throwing gesture)
...Splat!
Afterward, contact me by phone. A public phone will be safest. If all has gone well,
you will make your way back here. In any event, you must return by one. And be sure
you are not followed.
MAGGIE
Followed??
JOHN (ACCENT)
One can never be too careful.
MAGGIE
Uh...Why are you doing this to her?
JOHN (ACCENT)
Bloodthirsty and curious.
MAGGIE
Sorry. It’s your time. It’s up to you what you do with it. You Name It, and as long as
it’s legal, We Do It.
(PAUSE.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Last week this woman made a rendezvous with me. It was a rendezvous she failed
to keep.
MAGGIE
(Big smile)
You mean she stood you up?
JOHN (ACCENT)
That is another way to put it.
MAGGIE
(Laughing)
So you’re going to pie her?
JOHN (ACCENT)
You find this amusing?
-17-
I i 18
MAGGIE
I find this absolutely marvelous!
(JOHN smiles. MAGGIE is perfect!)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Bon!
(JOHN goes to the desk.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Four packages...Each will be delivered at a precise time. Any questions?
MAGGIE
Pas du tout!
JOHN (ACCENT)
Magnifique!...Today belongs to...The Frenchman!
(END SCENE 1)
-18-
I ii 1
ACT I Scene 2
JOHN’S APARTMENT. LATER.
(JOHN is on the phone.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
I know what is in your heart. I know your innermost secrets. I know what you had
for supper last night.
Expect a visit at two today. And remember--you cannot escape...The Frenchman!
(He hangs up. The doorbell rings. He checks his watch, then answers the door.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
You were supposed to call first.
(It’s ILISE.)
ILISE
Why are you talking with that stupid accent?
JOHN
What do you want now?
ILISE
I’ll tell you, if you’ll let me in.
JOHN
Can’t you tell me from out there?
ILISE
No.
(JOHN steps aside. ILISE strolls in.)
JOHN
Look, I’ve got a lot of things to do...
ILISE
So I see. And all this time I thought you filled your days with your art.
JOHN
And you fill yours breaking balls. We’ve already had one fight today, and I don’t know
why we had that one.
ILISE
You’re the one who wants to fight. I just came by to talk.
-19-
I ii 2
(She plops down on the couch, then turns, reaches behind her, and pulls out a shirt. She
Sneers.)
JOHN
It’s only a shirt.
ILISE
But how long has it been there? And when was the last time you washed it?
(Handling the shirt as if it’s infected, she places it at the far end of the couch, then turns to JOHN
and settles back as if this never happened.)
ILISE
So...Let’s catch up. Tell me about your work.
JOHN
Why?
ILISE
Because I’m interested in what you’re doing.
JOHN
Since when? The last time I read you a play, you fell asleep.
ILISE
I was tired. And wasn’t I interested in that screenplay you wrote? What was it called?
Oh yeah, “Water Under the Bridge”?
JOHN
“Blood Over the Dam”.
ILISE
Yeah! That one!...And I’m not tired today. Come on, I promise I won’t fall asleep.
How are your plays coming? Any offers from Broadway?
JOHN
Not yet. Why do you....
(The doorbell rings. ILISE jumps up off the couch.)
ILISE
Can I make a quick call while you get that? I’ll use the phone in the bedroom.
(She marches into the bedroom. JOHN answers the door.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
You were supposed to call first.
-20-
I ii 3
(It’s DANCER.)
DANCER
I made love in a public elevator! I know it was a rash act. Something no one in their
right mind would ever do! But maybe I wasn’t in my right mind. All I know is, I couldn’t
help myself. And now that it’s over, I’m glad I did it!
Maybe I should start at the beginning...It had been a terribly lonely month for me.
As I went about my humdrum life, I couldn’t help but stare at all the couples I saw.
Everyone seemed to be happy but me. My lot in life was loneliness and longing.
I endured it for as long as I could, telling myself my day would come. But something
must have snapped.
(Ilise returns from the bedroom and stands there, listening)
That morning I woke up with an aching so intense I felt as if I might go out and attack
the first man I saw. And that’s just what happened!
As soon as I got on the elevator I noticed his lean body, his handsome face. He was
everything I’d ever imagined Mr. Right would be. He smelled so good, so clean, so fresh.
I knew I could never resist him. And I didn’t want to! I resolved right then and there
not to let another opportunity for happiness slip through my fingers!
And then, as fate would have it, we were the last two people in the car. Drawn by a force
I couldn’t control, I went closer...closer...closer...As if in a trance, I put my arms around him
and we kissed. Passionately. He responded, crushing me to his hard, masculine body...
And then we did it! We made love right there, on a public elevator!!
ILISE
That’s disgusting!
JOHN
I like it.
ILISE
You would.
DANCER
Better than skating, huh?
JOHN
A lot better.
ILISE
Did you really do that?
DANCER
Of course not. It’s all a fantasy.
I’m in this elevator with this great-looking guy and I imagine making love with him.
But that doesn’t come out till the end of the story.
(To John):
I gotta go walk the dogs.
-21-
I ii 4
(DANCER EXITS.)
ILISE
She’s weird! I mean very seriously strange.
JOHN
She’s just looking for Mr. Right.
ILISE
Who isn’t?
Oh, that reminds me...I gotta run. There’s a sale at Bonwit’s. Good luck with your plays!
(She goes to the door and opens it. MAGGIE is standing there, about to ring the bell.)
MAGGIE
Oh...!
(ILISE eyes MAGGIE, then turns to JOHN.)
ILISE
Or whatever else you’re working on today.
(To Maggie):
Nice meeting you.
(ILISE EXITS. MAGGIE ENTERS.)
MAGGIE
I know--I was supposed to call. Sorry. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Ah! Oui! You must tell me all about it!
(MAGGIE is highly animated, acting out her story as she tells it.)
MAGGIE
It was far fucking out!
I was waiting outside her office, and she came out, right on schedule.
She was with this guy. He had her by the elbow, so maybe he’s the reason she
stood you up.
JOHN (ACCENT)
I don’t trust a man who leads a woman by the elbow. Next he will try to lead her
by the nose.
MAGGIE
I was really nervous, but it turned out to be easy. I just walked up to her, took the
pie out of the bag, reared back, and let it fly!!
You were right--chocolate cream has amazing accuracy!
-22-
I ii 5
JOHN (ACCENT)
And your escape?
MAGGIE
Not a problem! The street was crowded, but most people were so stunned, they just
stood there. One woman screamed, but when they realized all I’d done was hit her
with a pie, it was no big deal. I just walked away.
JOHN (ACCENT)
And her response?
MAGGIE
The guy she was with said, “What the fuck???”
But she didn’t say a word. Just stood there with chocolate cream all over her face.
You should have been there!
JOHN (ACCENT)
The Frenchman moves behind the scenes.
And my message?
MAGGIE
(With an Accent)
“The Frenchman has spoken!”
(With a pie-throwing gesture):
Splat!!
JOHN
Far fucking out!
I love it when the reality is better than the fantasy! You still have the fantasy, and
you lay the groundwork for a better fantasy next time around!
MAGGIE
Hey, what happened to your accent?
JOHN (ACCENT)
My what?
MAGGIE
Your accent. A second ago you didn’t have one.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Vraiment? Are you certain?
MAGGIE
Yes.
-23-
I ii 6
JOHN
You mean I was talking like this?
MAGGIE
(Getting nervous)
Yes.
JOHN
This is my accent! My American accent!
MAGGIE
So which is the real one?
JOHN
Last night I dreamed I was a Frenchman with an American accent...
(He shifts to the French accent):
When I awoke, who was to say I was not an American, with a French accent?
MAGGIE
How off the wall are you?
JOHN
How off the wall would you like me to get?
MAGGIE
How are we measuring? Feet, yards, or miles?
JOHN
You pick.
MAGGIE
Is inches an option?
JOHN
For you, inches. Itty, bitty, very manageable inches. I’ll almost be on the wall.
MAGGIE
How big is the wall?
JOHN
We’ll make it very large. A great, big, safe, protective wall that...
MAGGIE
OK, OK...I’ll stick with this a little while longer. It’s...fun. If you ignore how weird it is.
JOHN
Like sticking your tongue in an electric socket.
-24-
I ii 7
MAGGIE
Do you do that too?
JOHN
Depends on what’s on cable. Be right back.
(He goes into the kitchen, returns with an open bottle of champagne and two glasses, and
pours.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
To...The Frenchman!!
(They drink).
MAGGIE
Why are you doing this?
JOHN (ACCENT)
The Frenchman does what he does...Because it must be done.
MAGGIE
Got it...Mind my own business.
OK...What’s next?
JOHN
Did you ever see “The Maltese Falcon”?
MAGGIE
That’s next!? It’s one of my favorite films. I must have seen it at least six times.
JOHN
It’s one of my favorites too.
MAGGIE
How many times have you seen it?
JOHN
127.
MAGGIE
No...!
JOHN
I feel as if I have.
“In 1539, the Knights Templar of Malta paid tribute to Charles V of Spain, by
sending him a Golden Falcon encrusted from beak to claw with jewels...but pirates
seized the galley carrying this priceless token and the fate of the Maltese Falcon
remains a mystery to this day.”
-25-
I ii 8
MAGGIE
Then we fade to a shot of San Francisco, and come in on Humphrey Bogart, as
Sam Spade, sitting at his desk, rolling a cigarette.
JOHN
You know your “Falcon”! Now, take the Sidney Greenstreet character...
MAGGIE
Caspar Gutman.
JOHN
You do know your “Falcon”!...He followed a dream for 17 years. From London, to Paris,
to Istanbul, to Hong Kong, to San Francisco...and never gave up. And when the film
was over and he still didn’t have the black bird, he was off again, back to Istanbul,
still pursuing...
MAGGIE
“The stuff dreams are made of.”
But the character in the movie was called the Fat Man.
JOHN
Who wants to be Fat??
MAGGIE
So where’d The Frenchman come from? “Casablanca”?
JOHN
Talk about a great movie!
No, let’s just say he’s someone who lives better than I do, and when things get tough
in my life, I bail out into his.
MAGGIE
That’s a handy escape hatch.
JOHN
I’m a writer. I create neat people for everyone else...Why not one for me?
MAGGIE
How often do you do this?
JOHN
You do ask a lot of questions.
MAGGIE
Yeah, I do. I get interested in something, and I just keep chasing it down.
You don’t have to...
JOHN
Today’s the first time.
(Continued...)
-26-
I ii 9
JOHN
A few months ago I was dying. I wasn’t selling anything. The one constant in my life...
...besides not selling anything...was a relationship that wasn’t coming close to working.
Then that went south...Literally!
There’s a weekend back there, that’s kind of a blur...

I hit a real low point. The Tranquilizer had just started, and I decided to do his memoirs.
I took out ads in all the papers that don’t charge for space, asking him to contact me
so he could tell his side of it. Can you imagine what that would be like?
(Acts out an interview):
Tell me, do you prefer, valium, librium, or thorazine? And do you look for the true
psychotic, or are you willing to shoot anyone who happens to be a little cranky?
MAGGIE
I’d read that!
JOHN
You won’t have to. After that, things changed. I sold some articles...Began speaking
French when things got rough again...and stumbled onto an almost reliable source
of income.
MAGGIE
Now that’s handy. What is it?
(He doesn’t respond)
Oh. Sorry.
JOHN
I don’t know why I’m telling you this...I write confession stories.
MAGGIE
You’re kidding!
JOHN
It’s hard enough admitting it! It’s not something you take false credit for!
MAGGIE
I know what you mean. Some of those stories...”My Husband Sold Me to a Traveling
Salesman!”
JOHN
You read that one!
MAGGIE
Was that yours?
-27-
I ii 10
JOHN
It’s close enough.
MAGGIE
How do you dream that stuff up?
JOHN
I...have a...source.
MAGGIE
What, they go out and get weird, then come back and tell you all about it?
JOHN
Half the fun of getting weird is talking about it. And she gets a commission.
Beats walking dogs for a living.
MAGGIE
And this brought you to today? What does she do? Walk poodles?
JOHN
I used to play a game with myself...When I’d get a script back in the mail...
I’d say, this one isn’t a rejection. They want to do the play, but they want changes,
and they’re returning it so I’ll have a work copy.
MAGGIE
I do that at auditions. They’re stopping me half-way through the scene
because they don’t have to see any more. I’m perfect for the part!
JOHN
Right! But then it happened.
MAGGIE
They took the script?
JOHN
They bought the article.
I wrote a piece on spec for a magazine. They turned it down, and I sent it out
everywhere else I could think of, but it kept coming back. Eventually I lost track
of who had it and who’d returned it.
Then I got a call from an editor I’d completely forgotten about. They’re going to run it!
When I got the check, I asked myself, what did I want this to make happen for me?
And I decided that, for one day, I would become The Frenchman!
MAGGIE
Who pies people when they break dates with him.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Who metes out justice to all who wrong him, and rewards those who are his friends!
Who makes dreams come true!
-28-
I ii 11
MAGGIE
Is that what’s in those packages? Dreams come true?
JOHN (ACCENT)
Oui! And now The Frenchman requires your services once more!
(He goes to the desk, picks up a package and a file, and returns to MAGGIE.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
This is your next contact. You will meet him at precisely two o’clock.
When you give this to him, you are to say, “The Frenchman never forgets a debt!”
Then you will walk away immediately, giving him no time to reply.
MAGGIE
This isn’t going to...do anything is it? I mean, I’m not running for my life, am I?
JOHN (ACCENT)
You will not be running. You will be walking. Running would be tacky.
MAGGIE
Will I be walking for my life?
JOHN (ACCENT)
No. You will be walking for The Frenchman!
MAGGIE
I had a feeling I shouldn’t ask that question.
(She goes to the door.)
MAGGIE
The Frenchman never forgets a debt!
Tout a l’heure!
(MAGGIE EXITS.)
(JOHN gazes after her with a smile.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Tout a l’heure...!
(END SCENE 2)
-29-
I iii 1
ACT I Scene 3
(JOHN stands by the desk, watch in hand.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
She is ringing the bell...He is on the couch, reading cheap pulp fiction...He gets up,
and goes to the door. “Who is it?”...”Package for Tom Polhouse!”...He opens the door.
“The Frenchman never forgets a debt!” Then she walks briskly away.
He is puzzled. He closes the door and opens the package... “Ah! I must acknowledge
such honor immediately!” He picks up the phone...555-1267.
(The phone rings. A big smile lights John’s face and he answers)
This is The Frenchman!
A man who borrows money and does not pay it back, will become a loan fugitive.
Thank you. I thought so too.
The Frenchman never forgets a debt! But you already know that. Au revoir, mon ami!
(He hangs up and begins to dial. The doorbell rings. He hangs up and answers the door.
ILISE is standing there.)
ILISE
Should I say hello? Or bonjour?
(ILISE saunters in.)
JOHN
Seven months of no contact, and now you’re like a bad summer cold.
All right, what’s going on?
ILISE
Nothing. I told you. My mother’s coming and I...
(He begins firing questions at ILISE, who attempts to answer them just as fast.)
JOHN
When’s your mother coming?
ILISE
Tomorrow.
JOHN
What time?
ILISE
Uh...Two o’clock.
-30-
I iii 2
JOHN
What airport?
ILISE
Oh...uh, Kennedy!
JOHN
Which airline?
ILISE
TWA! What difference does it make?
JOHN
Just curious about why your mother’s flying in on TWA, when she lives on Long Island,
only twenty miles from here.
(ILISE nervously looks around, sees the shirt, which is still on the couch, picks it up, and metic-
ulously smoothes it out.)
ILISE
I hate when you do that.
My mother is coming. And she did ask about the frog. You know she collects them.
JOHN
Your mother collects owls!
(He remembered...ILISE starts to methodically fold the shirt.)
ILISE
She just started collecting frogs too.
JOHN
To give the owls something to hunt?
Your mother’s not coming to see you.
ILISE
No...But my Aunt Connie is. You know, Aunt Connie? From Peoria? She’s flying in on
TWA. She has the companion piece to the frog, and you know how sentimental she is.
JOHN
Not really, considering I’ve never met the woman.
ILISE
Yes you have! She’s the one who kept telling you how lucky you were to be going out
with me at my cousin Sheila’s wedding.
-31-
I iii 3
JOHN
That was Aunt Margaret.
ILISE
No! Aunt Margaret’s the strawberry blonde who got drunk and wanted to merengue
with you.
JOHN
That was Cousin Sophie.
ILISE
No! Cousin Sophie is the one who insisted on singing “Memories”, and they had to...
JOHN
All right! It was Aunt Connie!
So why’d you say your mother was coming?
ILISE
I was trying to make it sound more urgent. I thought if it was only Aunt Connie,
you wouldn’t get the frog by tonight. So I said it was my mother, to give you a push.
JOHN
Did it ever occur to you to just tell me you wanted the frog?
ILISE
No.
JOHN
Your Aunt Connie’s not coming either.
ILISE
...No...
JOHN
You always did get caught in your own lies.
All right, why?
ILISE
I’m basically a very honest person.
JOHN
I meant, why are you lying now?
(ILISE gets nervous and picks up the shirt.)
JOHN
You’re not gonna start folding my shirt again, are you?
(ILISE realizes she’s holding That Shirt...She looks at it, Sneers, and immediately drops it.)
-32-
I iii 4
ILISE
Not unless you wash it!
(She looks around...)
When was the last time you restained your floors?
JOHN
Ilise...!
ILISE
Don’t yell at me!
All right...The truth is, there’s something I haven’t told you.
JOHN
Noooo!
(ILISE takes a Very Dramatic Breath.)
ILISE
I’m engaged.
JOHN
That didn’t take long.
ILISE
Well, I happen to have a lot of offer someone.
I didn’t want to tell you.
JOHN
Why not?
ILISE
I was afraid it would hurt you to know I’m...that way...with someone else.
JOHN
Hey, you’re beginning to sound like Dancer.
ILISE
I am not!!
JOHN
But you are still lying.
(ILISE goes to the fireplace.)
ILISE
You never clean this out!
-33-
I iii 5
JOHN
It’s a gas fire!
ILISE
So??...Where’s your broom?
JOHN
Ilise...!
ILISE
I’m not lying!...That’s why I came back...To tell you the truth...And to save you.
JOHN
Save me??
ILISE
Uh-huh.
JOHN
From what?
ILISE
From Jerry.
JOHN
Who’s Jerry?
ILISE
My fiancé.
JOHN
The person with whom you’re now “that way”.
ILISE
Uh-huh.
JOHN
What does Jerry do?
ILISE
He’s an accountant.
JOHN
You’re going to save me from Jerry the accountant? Why do I have trouble taking that
seriously?
ILISE
You should. He’s a very good accountant.
-34-
I iii 6
JOHN
Why do I need saving from him? What’s he going to do to me? Audit my tax returns?
Look at my books? Well if he wants to examine my books, here they are!
(He gesture expansively to the bookshelves.)
ILISE
See? I knew you’d laugh! And I didn’t want you to get hurt...So I thought if I just
made something up you’d give me the frog and that would be the end of it.
JOHN
Oh, that’s good. That’s very good...But I still don’t understand why Jerry’s after me.
When you first mentioned it, I thought maybe he was superpossessive and wanted
to break my head because I’ve been “that way” with you. But being possessive
over a frog is a little kinky, even for an accountant.
ILISE
He is not kinky! But he has a terrible temper, and when he loses it he’s liable to do
anything.
JOHN
What makes him lose his temper?
ILISE
Not getting what he wants.
JOHN
So what does he want!?
ILISE
The frog!
JOHN
WHY!?!
ILISE
He just does!
JOHN
He just does?? You’re acting like the thing is made of gold or something!
(ILISE scoops up the shirt and starts folding it.)
JOHN
Uncle Vito! I don’t believe it! You think it’s Uncle Vito’s gold frog!
ILISE
I do not!
-35-
I iii 7
JOHN
You never even let me talk about Uncle Vito. You thought I was crazy
when I wanted to write a play about him. Now you’re a believer?
ILISE
I am not!
JOHN
But Jerry the Accountant your fiancé is...He sent you here to get the frog.
(She realizes the shirt is somehow back in her hand, looks at it, Sneers, and tosses it onto the
couch.)
ILISE
Yes.
JOHN
I told you I’d have it by tonight. Why’d you come back?
ILISE
Jerry didn’t believe the frog’s at the theater. He said you were lying, to keep it for
yourself. He wanted me to search your apartment.
JOHN
Your “quick phone call” before?
ILISE
Uh-huh.
JOHN
This is nuts.
ILISE
You know what gold is worth today?
JOHN
Not to the penny. But I’ll bet Jerry checks the market twelve times a day.
ILISE
127.
JOHN
So what is the frog worth?
ILISE
This morning, gold was selling at $808 an ounce. That’s $12,900 a pound.
The frog weighs at least forty pounds...That’s $516,000.
Jerry’s such a maniac about it, I’m sorry I ever told him that stupid story.
-36-
I iii 8
JOHN
The last person in your family to get frog fever was Cousin Stanley.
ILISE
Tell me about it! He almost burned down Aunt Felicia’s house!
JOHN
How bad a case does Jerry have?
ILISE
When I told him, he wanted me to come over and get it right away. I managed
to convince him it was too late.
JOHN
What time was it?
ILISE
Four o’clock in the morning.
JOHN
What would you have said then? A dying princess needed an emergency kiss?
ILISE
That was two weeks ago. I guess he got sidetracked or something, because he
hasn’t been talking about it. But last night, when we got back from Uncle Arthur’s,
he started in again.
Meanwhile, the price of gold’s getting higher and higher, and the higher it gets,
the crazier he gets. Now he’s convinced you’re lying and he’s coming here
to confront you. That’s why I lied. I didn’t want the two of you to meet. I’m not sure
what he’d do.
JOHN
Well I didn’t lie, and fuck him!
ILISE
I’m telling you, Jerry can be very assertive. He took a course at the New School!
(The door bell rings.)
ILISE
That must be Jerry now!
JOHN
Well let him in! But don’t be “that way” with him in front of me.
ILISE
Johnny, don’t...!
-37-
I iii 9
(With an elegant wave, JOHN gestures for ILISE to open the door.)
JOHN
It’s not polite to keep a guest waiting.
ILISE
You don’t know what you’re doing!
JOHN
Sure I do! I took a course at The New School.
(He waves for her to open the door.)
ILISE
Please, don’t!
JOHN
If you don’t, I will!
(ILISE slowly goes to the door and opens it...In flies a monster of a man wearing a green army
jacket, jeans, and boots. He strides across the room, not stopping until he is towering over
JOHN. Then he turns toward ILISE, who’s cowering by the door.)
RIGHT
Is this him?
(He apparently gets his answer, for he turns back to JOHN and opens his arm as if to envelop him
like a tidal wave.)
JOHN
Good god!
(He sweeps JOHN up in a gigantic bear hug, holding him for several seconds before setting him
down, unharmed. Then he stares down at him with a huge grin.)
RIGHT
At last we meet! I’ve heard so much about you!
(Stunned, JOHN peers around the giant and addresses ILISE.)
JOHN
This is Jerry the Accountant?
(Before ILISE can answer, DANCER appears in the doorway.)
DANCER
At last I’ve met him!...Who would have dreamed that a routine, humdrum walk
in the park would result in finally meeting Mr. Right!!
JOHN
He belongs to you?
-38-
I iii 10
DANCER
And I belong to him! Isn’t he every woman’s dream come true?
ILISE
Eeugh!!
JOHN
(To Right)
...Uh, hi...I’m John.
RIGHT
And I’m Mr. Right!
JOHN
Is that what you want to be called?
RIGHT
Why not? It’s my name!
(He shows JOHN the name strip on his jacket. Sure enough, it reads J. RIGHT.)
JOHN
Is that your real name?
RIGHT
It is today! What’s a name? A bit of arbitrary nomenclature to cloak the person we’ve
decided to be for an artificially determined unit of time. But we shed our clothes each night.
We assume different personalities according to our moods...Why not different names
to fit all the different people we really are?
Today, I woke up and just wanted to be right, all day long! But you can call me Jim.
JOHN
(To Dancer)
I like him!
ILISE
I don’t.
(RIGHT strides over to ILISE and stares down at her.)
RIGHT
Hi!
ILISE
(Sneers)
Hello.
RIGHT
I love crisp conversation and sparkling repartee! Dancer, I like your friends!
-39-
I iii 11
JOHN
(To Dancer)
You two just met? In the park?
DANCER
Yes! There I was, walking the dogs, a common routine I follow every dreary day
of my life...
ILISE
Oh God!
DANCER
...And surprise of surprises, who should walk into my life, but... Mr. Right!!
We’ve known each other for mere minutes, but in the eternal cosmos, a minute
can be an eternity! And an eternity, but a moment!
Oh, Jim, darling, I’ve got to let the dogs in. I’ll be right back.
(RIGHT goes toward her.)
RIGHT
No, no, precious, I’ll do it. It’ll be just one little thing, among all the big things,
I hope to give you today.
Besides, your friends will want to talk about me while I’m gone.
(RIGHT EXITS.)
DANCER
(To John)
What do you think?
JOHN
He’ll sell!
ILISE
What do you know about him?
DANCER
We’re two kindred souls, lost on life’s eternal plane of searching and seeking,
who have found each other at last!
ILISE
That’s it??
DANCER
When I gaze into his deep, limpid eyes, I see a world of love...That’s all I need to know!
ILISE
Well I think he’s weird! I mean, very seriously strange!
-40-
I iii 12
(RIGHT suddenly returns.)
RIGHT
Of course I am! Everyone is strange at first. How well did you know yourself,
before you got better acquainted?
(He turns to an invisible Chorus)
How am I doing?
JOHN
You have a point there.
RIGHT
(Indicating the Chorus)
They think so too.
Well, now that you’ve told Angel how strange you think I am, I suppose I’m one of the
family...No, no, that’s quite all right. Take your time. I’m not one to push myself on people.
Say, we’re not interrupting anything are we? I mean, we just came bursting in on you
and your lady. Not quite what Miss Manners would approve of...Perhaps Angel and I
should skedaddle and let you resume whatever it was you were doing before we came
calling. Maybe we’ll go over to her place and do the same thing. Would we like it?
JOHN
I doubt it.
RIGHT
Well then, we’ll just find our own amusement, won’t we, precious?
DANCER
When he gazes at me, I feel myself melting!
ILISE
Eeugh!!
DANCER
(Moving toward Right)
Slowly I went toward him...He waited for me, his arms invitingly open...
(Right opens his arms wide)
...Smiling lovingly....
(Right displays an enormous grin)
...Waiting to enfold me in his powerful embrace....
(Right flexes his muscles)
...Until at last, with a cry of joy, I flew into his arms!
-41-
I iii 13
(DANCER lets out a yelp and hurls herself at RIGHT, who catches her easily and enfolds her in
his arms. Then he carries her out of the apartment, stopping at the door to address his Chorus.)
RIGHT
You guys wait here.
(RIGHT EXITS, with DANCER in his arms.)
ILISE
Do something!
JOHN
Why?
ILISE
Because he’s going to kill her! I’ll call the police. In the meantime, go over there and
Do Something!
JOHN
Dancer never needs rescuing. If she needs help, she’ll come knocking on my door.
(There’s a furious pounding on the door. JOHN rushes to open it. A man comes roaring in
at him, with such force that he backs JOHN across the room).
JERRY
All right, where the hell is it!
I know you’ve got it, and I want it! SO GIVE!!
(Caught off-guard, JOHN has been backed up to the fireplace. It is only now, when the intruder
pauses for a response, that JOHN realizes he is a small, balding man dressed in a suit,
who isn’t a threat at all. He looks around the man toward ILISE.)
JOHN
Jerry the Accountant your fiancé?
ILISE
That’s Jerry!
JOHN
(To Jerry)
If you don’t take your hands off me in three seconds, you’re gonna walk out of here
with your head further up your ass than it already is.
(PAUSE...JERRY lets JOHN go.)
JERRY
Goddammit!
(To Ilise):
I thought you prepped him!
-42-
I iii 14
ILISE
I tried to!
JERRY
I told you I should have worn the elevator heels!
JOHN
After what just came through here, nothing short of a Sherman tank would have helped.
I don’t have the frog.
JERRY
Bull! Don’t even try to make me believe you gave it to some theater.
JOHN
I lent it to the theater.
JERRY
Yeah, sure...OK, wherever it is, how soon can you have it here?
JOHN
Oh, I can have it here very soon.
JERRY
OK!! Now we’re getting somewhere.
(To Ilise):
See? No problem.
JOHN
Well I wouldn’t exactly say that, Jerry....How much is gold worth right now?
(JERRY whips out a little machine, plugs an earphone into his ear, and listens intently.)
JERRY
It opened at $808. Now it’s trading at...$860.437 an ounce!
JOHN
(Amazed)
It that New York or London?
JERRY
The 2:34 New York. You want London?
(He hits buttons on the machine.)
JOHN
No, no, that’s all right...$860 and change. And the frog weighs about forty pounds.
-43-
I iii 15
JERRY
So?
JOHN
So that’s a lot of gold.
JERRY
$550,679.68 worth. So?
JOHN
So why should I just hand it over?
ILISE
You said you would!
JERRY
Because it’s hers, that’s why! It’s a family heirloom! I was hoping you’d cooperate,
but....
JOHN
Sure you were. That’s why you sent Ilise here with a bunch of lies.
JERRY
OK, so I got a little excited. Just give us the frog and we’re out of here.
JOHN
And if I don’t?
JERRY
Well, we can always call the...
JOHN
The police? “Hello, officer, someone has my frog and won’t give it back.
“Oh, I almost forgot...It’s made of gold that was hijacked sixty years ago...
Can you come over right away?”
I don’t think that’s the way to go on this, Jerry.
JERRY
Shit!
JOHN
Looks like you’ll have to deal with me, Jer. Or with my agent.
JERRY
Your agent? Who’s your agent?
ILISE
He doesn’t have an agent. He keeps sending his plays out, but he can’t get anyone
to represent him.
-44-
I iii 16
JOHN
Maybe that’s changed in the last few months.
ILISE
Has it?
JOHN
Ask my agent.
JERRY
All right, all right! Who’s your agent?!?
JOHN (ACCENT)
At your service, monsieur!
(JERRY stares at JOHN...Then turns to ILISE.)
JERRY
No wonder he doesn’t have an agent. He’s awful.
(To John):
Look, just cut the shit and hand it over. There’s a price drop expected at the end
of the day, so every minute you delay, we’re losing money.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Ah! We!
JERRY
And cut the French crap, will you? I know you’re not French.
JOHN (ACCENT)
That was not French. That was English.
JERRY
No. You said “oui”. That’s French for yes.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Oui!
JERRY
See?
JOHN (ACCENT)
But I wasn’t saying “oui”. I was saying “we”.
JERRY
What?!?
-45-
I iii 17
JOHN (ACCENT)
That is English. For “we”.
JERRY
(To Ilise)
What the hell is he talking about?
ILISE
Don’t ask me. He does this all the time.
JOHN (ACCENT)
You said, “We’re losing money.” WE.
JERRY
Oui! That’s yes!
JOHN (ACCENT)
Oui!
JERRY
See?
JOHN (ACCENT)
But it is also We.
(JOHN indicates himself and JERRY.)
JERRY
No! I said “we”, but that meant we--me and Ilise. Not “we”, the three of us.
You’re not cutting yourself in on this. The frog is ours.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Peut-etre...But you seem to forget--I have the frog.
JERRY
At the moment. But you’re gonna give it to us.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Oui?
JERRY
Us. I told you--you’re not getting in on it!
JOHN (ACCENT)
No, that was French. For Oui! Yes?...I am going to give it to you?
JERRY
That’s right, pal.
-46-
I iii 18
JOHN (ACCENT)
And if I should refuse?
JERRY
You’ll get hurt.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Am I to interpret that as a threat?
JERRY
Yeah.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Pardon, but it is not a very good threat.
JERRY
Then try this!
(JERRY pulls out a pistol. JOHN stares at it. ILISE gasps.)
ILISE
Jerrrrry! You promised!
JERRY
Yeah. I promised there’d be no trouble if he was reasonable. But I didn’t know
he’s such a jerk. You warned me about him, but you never said he was this bad!
(To John):
Now where is it?
ILISE
Jerr-rry!
JERRY
Don’t worry. Everything’s under control. And no one’s gonna get hurt.
As long as this nitwit does what he’s told.
(To John):
Now hand it over. And no more crap about giving it to some theater.
JOHN (ACCENT)
I did not give it to the theater.
JERRY
(To Ilise)
See?
-47-
I iii 19
JOHN (ACCENT)
I lent it to the theater.
JERRY
Yeah! Right!
JOHN (ACCENT)
But I do not have it.
JERRY
Then where is it? You sure didn’t give it to anyone. Or lend it.
JOHN (ACCENT)
I sold it.
ILISE
You lied to me!
JERRY
You sold it?
(To Ilise):
That’s what he’s been living off! Not his writing!
(To John):
When’d you sell it?
JOHN (ACCENT)
A few months ago.
JERRY
Exactly when?
JOHN (ACCENT)
I believe it was...1:43. P.M.
JERRY
What month!?
JOHN (ACCENT)
October.
JERRY
Beginning, middle, or end?
JOHN (ACCENT)
October 30th. Bills were coming due. I needed cash.
-48-
I iii 20
JERRY
The end of October?? Gold hadn’t even broken $300 yet! It was...
(He whips out his machine, calculates)
only $274.75 an ounce! The most you could have gotten for it was $175,840!
And you probably did a lot worse than that!
JOHN (ACCENT)
You are quite right. I got $129.37.
JERRY
WHAT!!??
JOHN (ACCENT)
I was desperate...I took what I was offered.
JERRY
What the hell are you talking about? No one sells a gold frog for $129.37!
JOHN (ACCENT)
I was lucky to get that much. The pawnbroker would not have bought it at all,
but someone had just been in his shop the day before, asking for a forty pound
ceramic frog.
JERRY
Then he didn’t know it was made of gold! So he probably...
ILISE
Stop, Jerry. He’s making it all up. He’ll tell you the biggest bullshit in the world
with a completely straight face. I’ve seen him do it a million times.
(JERRY stares at JOHN, then Sneers.)
JERRY
All right, I’m through playing games. You have the frog, I want it!
JOHN (ACCENT)
But so do I.
JERRY
But you have no say in this. It’s her frog. It’s my gun.
JOHN (ACCENT)
It is my apartment.
JERRY
I’m not kidding! I’m gonna count to three. And if you don’t tell me where it is...
ILISE
Jerrrry!
-49-
I iii 21
JERRY
One!
ILISE
Oh Jerry, please...! Please don’t!
JERRY
(Getting more crazed)
Two...!
ILISE
(To John)
Tell him! Please tell him!
JERRY
Two and a quarter...!
JOHN (ACCENT)
It takes more than a pistol leveled at his head to shake the Frenchman!
JERRY
Stop it with that French shit!
Two and a half...!
ILISE
Tell him!
JOHN (ACCENT)
I distrust a man who uses a gun to get his way. Such a man could be violent.
JERRY
Stop it!!...Two and three-quarters...!
(JERRY takes a shooting stance and aims the gun at JOHN’S chest. By now he’s nearly shaking.)
ILISE
Jerry, don’t!...Johnny, for God’s sake, tell him!!
JOHN (ACCENT)
Never!
JERRY
You think I won’t fire because I don’t know where the frog is. Well, I’ll find it.
Believe me, I’ll find it...And I’m not afraid to use this...You think I don’t have
the nerve to pull the trigger, but I’ll do it...!
JOHN (ACCENT)
I don’t trust a man who threatens something it is obvious he does not
have the balls to do.
-50-
I iii 22
JERRY
Goddammit it! That did it!!
(JERRY fires. ILISE screams. JOHN falls to the floor.)
(A LONG, STUNNED SILENCE.)
ILISE
You did it! You pulled the trigger!
JERRY
I didn’t mean to...I swear I didn’t...But he got me so angry with all that stupid French...
He’s not French!
(JERRY and ILISE stand there, gazing down at JOHN...Then):
JOHN (ACCENT)
(From the floor)
I don’t trust a man who doesn’t keep his word...
(He gets up, unhurt)
...Who would?
JERRY
(Softly)
Shut up.
JOHN
I can’t believe you pulled the trigger!
JERRY
Didn’t think I had the nerve, huh?
JOHN
Oh, I knew you were bozo enough for that as soon as I laid eyes on you!
But I didn’t think you were weirded-out enough to come in here waving a starter’s pistol,
and actually fire the damn thing!
JERRY
Oh...Well, I was just gonna use it to scare you...But all that goddamned French!
So you knew it was a fake all along? I thought I did pretty good with it, actually.
JOHN
Ilise should have mentioned we used starter’s pistols in a couple of plays I did.
Oh, she wouldn’t know that--she never came to see them.
-51-
I iii 23
JERRY
All right...You called my bluff and got away with it. But I still want the frog.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Ah, oui! But so do I!
JERRY
(Yelling)
Cut it out! I want that frog!
JOHN (ACCENT)
(Yelling back)
And I want it!
JERRY
(Yelling louder)
I do!
JOHN (ACCENT)
(Also louder)
I do!
JERRY
I’m not playing around any more! You’ve got something that belongs to me and...
I WANT IT!!
JOHN (ACCENT)
I WANT IT!!
(The door flies open and RIGHT bursts in, smashing a small statue of a dog near the door.)
RIGHT
I WANT IT!!!
(Everyone freezes and stares at him, as he stands there, an animal poised for combat.)
END OF ACT I
-52-
II i 1
ACT II Scene 1
JOHN’S APARTMENT. SECONDS LATER.
(Everyone is exactly as they were at the end of the ACT I.)
RIGHT
(Looking around)
Who said that?
JOHN
Who said what?
RIGHT
What?
JOHN
Who said what?
RIGHT
I just said what. There...I’ve said it again.
(To Dancer):
Why am I standing here?
(Indicates Jerry):
Was I about to hit him?
DANCER
No, darling, you weren’t going to hit anyone.
RIGHT
Oh...OK everybody, back to your original places.
JERRY
What?!?
RIGHT
Who said that?
JERRY
Who is this guy?
-53-
II i 2
(Before anyone can answer, ILISE gasps and rushes to the statue RIGHT smashed on his way in.)
ILISE
You crushed the dog!
(ILISE bends over the statue, trying to fit the pieces back together.)
RIGHT
Sorry, ma’am...It just jumped in front of me in the dark. I didn’t know it was there
’til it was too late to stop the car. You can see for yourself — just look at the skid marks.
JERRY
I don’t believe this character!
RIGHT
It was the only one I could think of at the moment.
(To John):
I was next door with Angel and I sensed you were in danger. I pick up cosmic beams.
So I crawled out on the ledge and peered in the window.
JOHN
We’re six stories up.
DANCER
He was incredible, clinging to the steel spider web of the massive structure!
And how his muscles rippled!
RIGHT
My muscles do that...They ripple...Anyway, there I was, clinging to the steel spider web
of the massive structure, muscles rippling, peering in your window, and I saw...
(He wheels around and points an accusing finger at Jerry):
THAT MAN!!
(Back to John):
pointing what appeared to be a loaded revolver at you. I had the feeling you might be
in trouble. You’re lucky I pick up cosmic beams.
JOHN
I’m sure the shot would have told you something.
RIGHT
What shot?
-54-
II i 3
JOHN
He pulled the trigger!
RIGHT
No kidding!
(He looks John over for wounds)
Hey, you must be in damn good shape!
If I’d known he was gonna do that, I’d’ve come in sooner and split his head open.
I do things like that for people I like. And I like you.
(He turns to Jerry):
But-I’m-not-so-sure-how-much-I-like-you.
Then again...I could turn out to really like you.
(He turns to John):
And-maybe-it’s-you-I-won’t-like!
But I don’t think so.
(Indicates Jerry):
He’s got that look about him. Probably an accountant.
JERRY
OK, if we’re through dicking around here, can we please get back to business?
I can do without any more stupid interruptions.
(MAGGIE ENTERS.)
MAGGIE (Accent)
The Frenchman has struck again!
JERRY
Shit!
RIGHT
Well at least it wasn’t a stupid interruption.
MAGGIE
(To John)
Oh...Sorry, I thought you were alone.
-55-
II i 4
JOHN
I’m working on it.
RIGHT
No he’s not.
ILISE
Got any glue? I think we can fix this.
JERRY
Never mind that! I said I didn’t want any more interruptions.
MAGGIE
(Waving a newspaper)
Oh, I almost forgot! Look at this!
JERRY
Goddammit!
MAGGIE
The Tranquilizer shot someone else! A man was standing on 6th Avenue,
screaming about the bike lanes, and he rushed up and pumped him full of...
whatever he pumps people full of. Then he ran into the park.
JERRY
They still haven’t caught that nut job?
MAGGIE
He’s added something new. Now he yells, “There’s got to be Justice!...
There’s got to be a Protector!”
ILISE RIGHT
How sick! How glorious!
JERRY
What the hell’s glorious about a lunatic who goes around shooting people
with tranquilizers?
RIGHT
How do you know he’s a lunatic?
JERRY
He goes around shooting people with tranquilizers!
RIGHT
Maybe he knows something the rest of us don’t.
-56-
II i 5
DANCER
And he’s trying to share his knowledge to benefit the entire human community,
of which we’re all but a small part!
MAGGIE
But he’s not giving us choice about whether we want the knowledge or not.
DANCER
Maybe he’s being considerate. You know, like, not burdening us with difficult decisions.
MAGGIE
I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to lose a couple of hours out of my life,
that’s a decision I’d want to be in on.
JERRY
I don’t want to discuss this! I came for the frog!
(RIGHT jumps in front of JOHN.)
RIGHT
What do you want with the frog?!
JERRY
(Indicating Ilise)
It happens to belong to her!
RIGHT
(To John)
You belong to her??
JOHN (ACCENT)
I belong to no one!
RIGHT
(To Jerry)
He says he’s a free man.
JERRY
What??
RIGHT
Who said that?
JERRY
I did! What are you talking about?
RIGHT
(Indicates John)
The frog.
-57-
II i 6
JERRY
I’m not talking about him! I’m talking about the frog!
RIGHT
(Loud whisper, to John)
He’s confused...I think we’ve got him.
ILISE
Got any glue?
JERRY
He’s got it and he won’t give it back.
RIGHT
(To John)
Oh?...Why not?
JOHN
Well, they...
JERRY
That’s not important! It’s hers. She left it here and now she wants it back!
RIGHT
(To John)
So why won’t you give it back?
JOHN
Because they...
JERRY
He’s just being perverse! He just wants to give her a hard time!
He doesn’t have a reason!
RIGHT
You just gave me two.
(To John):
Hey, good buddy, why won’t you give the lady her frog?
(JOHN starts to answer, but JERRY cuts him off again.)
JERRY
It doesn’t matter why!
RIGHT
I get the feeling you don’t want him to answer...That so?
-58-
II i 7
JERRY
Of course not. It’s just that...
RIGHT
THEN LET THE MAN SPEAK!!!
(Looks around):
Who said that?
DANCER
(Indicates Right’s Chorus)
They did.
RIGHT
Thank you.
(To John):
Now, you were saying?
JOHN
The reason I haven’t already given her frog back is, I don’t have it.
JERRY
Yeah, right.
JOHN
The reason they’re so desperate to get it is...
(JERRY and ILISE open their mouths to protest this being divulged. RIGHT holds up a warning
hand and silences them.)
JOHN
...it’s a family heirloom.
(JERRY and ILISE breath a huge sigh of relief.)
JOHN
And it’s made of gold.
ILISE
Johnnnny...!
JERRY
Big mouth!
RIGHT
Noooo!!
-59-
II i 8
JERRY
And it’s ours!
RIGHT
Hers. You said it was a family heirloom.
JERRY
So what? We share everything.
RIGHT
What about your Swiss bank account?
JERRY
I don’t have a Swiss bank account!
RIGHT
Oh...Thought I’d catch you.
JERRY
I don’t believe this!!
RIGHT
I will you know...Sooner or later.
JERRY
Will what?
RIGHT
Catch you.
God, I’m tired!...I must sleep!
(RIGHT collapses on the couch and immediately falls asleep.)
JERRY
Who is this guy??
DANCER
My one and only! The man I’ve given my entire life to!
JERRY
Is he always like this?
ILISE
How would she know? They just met.
(To John):
Do you have any glue?
-60-
II i 9
DANCER
He’s in the army, serving his country. Our time together is brief. Just a few short hours
out of the endless well of time...Then he must leave the sweet embrace of my sheltering
arms. He’s on a day pass.
JERRY
A day pass? Well it’s not from the army! He’s crazy!
DANCER
That’s what I love about him! Isn’t it that little bit of craziness and spontaneity
in all of us, that sets us apart, and endears us to those who love us?
MAGGIE
She’s right. Otherwise everyone might as well be...an accountant.
ILISE
Wait a minute. He happens to be a very good accountant!
MAGGIE
Who is?
JERRY
I’m not talking about that kind of crazy! I’m talking about crazy! As in bonkers!
Nutso! Out to snacks!
JOHN
Hey Jerry, what’s the price of gold?
(JERRY whips out his little machine, plugs it into his ear, and listens intently.)
JERRY
$865.469!
JOHN
I think that’s crazy!
JERRY
Well I don’t give a rat’s fart what you think! I want that frog!
(Indicates Maggie):
And who’s she?
JOHN (ACCENT)
This woman is an operative in my employ.
-61-
II i 10
JERRY
Everyone around here is crazy!
All right, you’ve hidden the frog. How much do you want to tell me where it is?
JOHN (ACCENT)
How much do you have?
JERRY
Get real! Name a serious figure!
JOHN (ACCENT)
Half.
JERRY
No way!
JOHN (ACCENT)
As you wish. I will keep it all.
JERRY
N.G. It’s rightfully hers. If you won’t give it back willingly, I’ll make you!
JOHN (ACCENT)
Ah! You have, tucked up your sleeve, another starter’s pistol?
JERRY
There are ways. Believe me, there are ways. Are you gonna tell me where it is?
ILISE
Johnnnyyyyy!
JOHN
In the drawer!
JERRY
It’s a forty-pound statue. How can it be in the drawer?
JOHN
Glue! There’s glue in the drawer!
JERRY
What the hell do I care where you keep your glue! I want that frog!
(ILISE goes to a nearby sideboard, opens the top drawer, and rummages through it.)
-62-
II i 11
DANCER
Did you ever think that maybe it’s your destiny to not have the things you want in life?
JERRY
No. I never did.
MAGGIE
Maybe you should start.
JERRY
(Looks around)
Oh, so it’s a conspiracy.
All right...If that’s the way you wanna play it...No more Mr. Nice Guy.
You’re gonna hand over that frog. You’re gonna beg me to take it...And the next time
you see a gun in my hand, believe me, it won’t be a starter’s pistol!
(JERRY EXITS.)
ILISE
I think you’ve made him mad.
(ILISE closes the drawer and turns to Maggie.)
ILISE
He says the glue is in the drawer, but who knows. If you find it, don’t use too much.
With a little luck, it’ll look as good as new. And if it’s not...
(Indicates John):
I wouldn’t hold my breath till he fixes it.
(As she leaves):
Jerr--rrry!....Waaaiitt!!
(ILISE EXITS.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Tout a l’heure!
MAGGIE
Who was that?
JOHN
Jerry the Accountant her fiancé.
-63-
II i 12
MAGGIE
He’s the accountant she was talking about?
JOHN
(Imitating Ilise)
He happens to be a very good accountant!
MAGGIE
A good accountant, maybe. But bad vibes!
DANCER
Bad attitude!
RIGHT
(Suddenly waking up)
Bad times all around!
Did I miss much? C’mon, Angel, let’s hit the road, toss in the towel, roll in the hay!
DANCER
He took me in his arms...
(Right envelops her in his arms)
...and crushed me to him!
(Her voice becomes muffled as she’s pressed to his chest)
I could feel our hearts beating frantically as one, as he lifted me up...
(He lifts her. Her voice becomes clear again)
...and carried me off!
(RIGHT starts to EXIT with DANCER in his arms. He gets to the door, stops, turns to his
Chorus.)
RIGHT
You guys wait here.
(RIGHT EXITS WITH DANCER.)
MAGGIE
Who was that?
JOHN
That was Mr. Right.
-64-
II i 13
MAGGIE
What is going on here?
JOHN
A forty pound frog that’s solid gold. And worth about $500,000.
MAGGIE
What!?
JOHN
It’s been in Ilise’s family for years, thanks to Uncle Vito. He was a gangster
back in the 20s, smuggling a specialty. His front was a ceramic animal factory, and...
MAGGIE
You’re making this up.
JOHN
Not this time.
MAGGIE
Who’s Ilise?
JOHN
That relationship I was in, that went south?...She put it on the plane.
MAGGIE
You mean you and her were...
JOHN
Terrifying thought, isn’t it?
MAGGIE
...living with forty pounds of gold?
JOHN
Not as far as she was concerned. The only myth she believes in, is The Perfect Wedding.
But when we were... “that way”, Ilise kept bringing over these stupid statues.
Next thing I know, she’s gone. But the statues aren’t.
MAGGIE
Well she believes the myth now!
JOHN
Jerry the Accountant her fiancé believes the myth now.
MAGGIE
You know, to be really honest, I can’t see you two together.
-65-
II i 14
JOHN
Seemed like a good idea at the time!
No...It was never a good idea. Just something convenient, that went very bad
very quickly. I guess being with anyone felt better than being alone.
MAGGIE
I been there.
Was she always so...
JOHN
Oh yeah. Sometimes, worse.
MAGGIE
How’d you live with that?
JOHN
When I hit a low point, I really bottom out. You’ve never had a relationship you
seriously regret?
MAGGIE
I been there!
JOHN
What’s weird is, she left before I did. What’s really weird is, sometimes it still hurts.
I tell you things! Why do I tell you things?!
MAGGIE
Does that bother you?
JOHN
No...It feels good.
That bothers me!
MAGGIE
Well while you’re at it, tell me this...If you needed money so badly,
why didn’t you sell the frog?
JOHN
It’s only a legend.
MAGGIE
But what if it’s true!?
JOHN
It’s not supposed to be true. That’s what make it a legend.
-66-
II i 15
MAGGIE
Didn’t you chip it to find out?
JOHN
I always meant to get around to that.
MAGGIE
I couldn’t have been so casual about it.
JOHN (ACCENT)
That is why you are the operative, and I am The Frenchman!
It is time for your next assignment.
MAGGIE
Oh...I wanted to be here when Jerry comes back.
JOHN
You think he’s coming back?
MAGGIE
Weren’t you taking him seriously?
JOHN
I seem to have a problem with that.
MAGGIE
Oh he’ll be back. Count on it.
JOHN (ACCENT)
I have no interest in small fools with big plans that mean nothing.
(He goes to the desk, picks up a package and a folder.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
You are to take this to that address and give it to this person. His name is Paul.
You will say, “A gift, from The Frenchman!” and walk away before he can...
MAGGIE
Yeah, yeah, running would be tacky.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Aren’t we a quick study.
(She takes the package and goes to the door.)
MAGGIE
And for what it’s worth, I think he’s dangerous.
-67-
II i 16
JOHN (ACCENT)
I have known Paul for years. He is a perfect gentleman.
MAGGIE
Jerry.
JOHN (ACCENT)
And how dangerous might that be?
MAGGIE
About $500,000 worth. So I hope you know what you’re doing.
Tout a l’heure!
(SHE EXITS.)
(END SCENE 1)
-68-
II ii 1
ACT II Scene 2
(JOHN is looking at his watch as he speaks.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
She is ringing his bell...He is opening the door...She hands him the package...
“A gift, from The Frenchman!”...She walks away....Clickety-click, clickety-click,
go her stylish heels on the hard gray asphalt...
He is opening the package...Oops! A little knot!...

Now, it is open!...He looks inside...”Sacre bleu! He shouldn’t have!...But he did!
I will call him at once to thank him!”
He goes to the phone...He dials...555-1267...
(John reaches for the phone, but it doesn’t ring)
Merde! A wrong number!...He hangs up and dials again. 555-1267...
(The phone rings. John smiles and answers the phone.)
This is...The Frenchman!

You have always talked about getting out of New York. Now you can!
I know it is a one-way ticket...You talk about getting out, not coming back!
Bon voyage, mon ami!
There are many ways to repay the Frenchman. But he can never be surprised!
(JOHN hangs up. The bell rings. He goes to the door and opens it, to find himself face-to-face
with RIGHT, who’s wearing a grotesque mask. JOHN jumps back.)
JOHN
Holy shit!!
(RIGHT ENTERS, and removes the mask.)
RIGHT
Thought I’d surprise you...Gets the adrenaline going. Adds years to your life!
Or does it subtract them?
JOHN
Thanks a lot. Where’s Dancer?
RIGHT
Dead.
-69-
II ii 2
JOHN
What?!?
RIGHT
I did her in...And you know what? Angel snores.
JOHN
She’s sleeping!
RIGHT
Dead to the world!
(RIGHT picks up the newspaper MAGGIE brought in earlier.)
RIGHT
This guy, The Tranquilizer...How come they wanna lock him up?
JOHN
People don’t like having their hang-ups tampered with. It makes them crazy.
RIGHT
Well so far he’s broken up two fights, three muggings, and stopped two kids
from spray-painting their names on a wino. It’s too bad he isn’t around more.
JOHN
Probably only comes out when he can get those drugs he uses.
RIGHT
It’s not easy. They keep that stuff under lock and key.
JOHN
I don’t know...How hard is it to get hold of some valium, or a little librium.
RIGHT
Ketamine.
JOHN
Huh?
RIGHT
Ketamine. You’re down in seconds, and you don’t need a second shot
to come out of it, like with animal tranquilizer.
JOHN
How do you...
(The doorbell rings. JOHN goes to the door and throws it open.)
-70-
II ii 3
JOHN (ACCENT)
Back so soon? Entrez! The Frenchman is pleased!
JERRY
The Frenchman can stick it in his ear.
(He saunters in)
I came to see if you’re ready to hand over the frog.
JOHN (ACCENT)
The Frenchman never wavers!
JERRY
All right...You wanna play hard ball? I’m not dicking around any more.
Oh, there’ll be no more rough stuff. From now on, I’m gonna be the perfect gentleman.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Most accountants are.
JERRY
You get a big kick out of that, don’t you? Well let me tell you something...
The whole world is run by computer now. We live in a white collar world,
and it doesn’t take size...
(He glares at Right)
...or raw dishonesty...
(He glares at John)
to be on top any more.
JOHN (ACCENT)
And to what fearsome power might you be alluding now?
JERRY
Just this...As of 8:00 AM tomorrow, every bill you owe is going to fall due, in full.
All your credit cards...your bank loan...in full. All your utility bills, retroactive for
the last six months. Your rent, also retroactive for the last six months. And as for
whatever money you may have saved up...I wouldn’t bank on any of it, if you know
what I mean. Your entire credit rating is about to go up in flames. Zilch, bad risk,
don’t touch this guy with a ten foot pole and 25% interest!...You think you’re living
on the edge now, try surviving in a credit-based world with no credit!
JOHN
You wouldn’t!
-71-
II ii 4
JERRY
I already have! A buddy of mine is a computer programmer. He can get into any
computer and reprogram it as he pleases. And he’s gotten into yours!
White collar power!
If the frog isn’t in my hands by tomorrow morning, you’re a financial dead man.
That’s what happens when you tangle with...The Accountant!!
(JERRY EXITS.)
JOHN
Shit!!
RIGHT
I’m gonna take care of that guy!
(He heads for the door.)
JOHN
Wait a minute!
RIGHT
Gee, John, that’s 60 seconds. Well, 55, if we count that.
JOHN
You can’t just go after him like this.
RIGHT
You’re right.
(To his Chorus):
You guys wait here.
(To John):
That ought to even out the odds some. Much fairer that way. Thanks, John!
(As he leaves):
There’s got to be Justice! There’s got to be a Protector!
(RIGHT EXITS, leaving the door open behind him. JOHN stares after him, thinking about
his last words...MAGGIE ENTERS).
-72-
II ii 5
MAGGIE
(With an Accent)
Mission accomplished! The Frenchman has...
JOHN
Jim is The Tranquilizer!
MAGGIE
What??
JOHN
He just ran out of here...
MAGGIE
I know. I saw him in the hall. He seemed a little preoccupied.
JOHN
Yeah, he’s preoccupied with going after Jerry.
His last words were, “There’s got to be Justice...There’s got to be a Protector!”
And he knows all about the drug the guy uses!
MAGGIE
Wait a minute...That could never...
JOHN
Yes it could! What are the odds of someone like that just strolling into my apartment?
MAGGIE
From what I’ve seen, I’d say pretty good, actually.
JOHN
I’m serious! Any apartment in all of New York? But he came here! Because I wanted
him to! In the whole city, I’m the only one who’d welcome him. Everyone else wants
to throw the guy in the slammer. But I sent out “cosmic beams”. And he picked them up!
MAGGIE
So what are you going to do? Call the police?
JOHN
Why? All he wants is that the world be just and safe. He’s only trying to protect us
from ourselves.
MAGGIE
Then why does everyone else want to throw the guy in the slammer?
JOHN
Because he’s making people stay calm. And that gets them nervous.
-73-
II ii 6
MAGGIE
So what are you gonna do?
JOHN
Interview him!
MAGGIE
What about The Frenchman?
JOHN
That can wait. I can’t let a chance like this go!
MAGGIE
(Disappointed)
You’re the boss.
(PAUSE.)
JOHN
You sound disappointed.
MAGGIE
I don’t know...Yeah, I guess I am.
JOHN
At what?
MAGGIE
Myself, I guess. For falling into it.
JOHN
Falling into what?
MAGGIE
Forget it...I’m being silly. And selfish. Never mind.
JOHN (ACCENT)
I don’t trust someone who does not finish what they start...
Such a person should never be permitted to perform brain surgery.
(MAGGIE smiles.)
MAGGIE
It really isn’t important.
JOHN
Yes it is.
-74-
II ii 7
(PAUSE.)
MAGGIE
It’s just that...I’m an actress. And you know what that’s like.
My fantasy is to be in the right place at the right time, run into the right person,
and get cast in something. Or at least to be asked to audition. Because let me tell you,
I’m good. But of course that never happens.
You know what it all comes down to? Control. How much other people have,
how much you have, but most of the time, how little you have! Go ahead —
name a situation where it’s not all about control. See, you can’t!
You go to an audition, someone else is telling you what kind of material to do,
how long it should be, and in the end, if you’re good enough or not. They don’t even
have to wait for the end--they’ll just stop you in the middle. They don’t like
how it’s going, or you take one wrong turn...
“I’m going to stop you here. Thank you. That was very nice. We’ll call you in a few days
and let you know.”
“Well, would you like to see...”
“Next!”
And it’s not only auditions...It’s always about who’s calling the shots. It’s all jumping
through hoops! Or trying to control the hoops. Even a job like this. It’s not your typical,
soul-eating nine-to-fiver, but...“You Name It, We Do It”??...What is that?--a polite way
to say “I’m a servant”? A nice way to say, “Here I am, abuse me!”
Because you should see some of the things we are asked to do! Some of the stories
I could tell you...
All right, I will tell you a story. I’m called to this apartment, and there are these two
guys, the one who lives there, and his plumber. Who turns out to be his brother-in-law.
And for the first five minutes, all they do is say to each other is:
“It leaks.”
“It don’t leak.”
“It does leak.”
“It don’t leak.”
“It leaks.”
“It don’t.”
Then the conversation begins to get a little more interesting.
“It oozes.”
“It oozes?”
“Yeah. It leaks so slow you can’t see it.”
“Then how do you know it’s leaking?”
“I know. I seen it.”
“You just said you can’t see it.”
“Yeah. But I seen it.”
“How do you know it leaks, if you can’t see it?”
“Believe me, it leaks.”
“How do you know?”
“I seen it.”
OK, they exhaust all those permutations. And it turns out “It leaks” wants me to watch
the faucet, to prove to “It don’t leak”, that it does leak.
“You think you can do that?” (Continued...)
-75-
II ii 8
MAGGIE
What I think is, this is a joke! But no--he’s serious! “It don’t leak” won’t take his word
for it, so he’s brought in “a disinterested third party.” Then, “It don’t leak” turns to me
and asks, “You know us?”
“I’ve never met either one of you.”
“So you don’t know us.”
“Yes, that, too.”
So, they go to a baseball game, and leave me to watch the faucet.
Now, you could say what’s the big deal? There are a lot harder jobs I could have
gotten. Like the time I had to take a 300 pound, highly-agitated St. Bernard
to a cat show! Or, you could say I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME!
But a pay check is a pay check. So I sit there, staring at the faucet.
And nothing happens. I sit, and I stare and I stare and I stare...Nothing.
And then I see it....the tiniest drop, peeking out at me. And slowly it gets bigger
and bigger, becoming more visible. And it begins to take shape...filling out, getting
rounder, fuller, fatter. Like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon. And finally, it’s a big,
fat, swollen pearl, so big and round and heavy I don’t know how it’s staying up there...
And then it doesn’t...It drops off, and I can actually see it falling, as if my perception
has been heightened.
And it falls...down...down...down...and then...Splat! It hits the sink.
And I start to let out this huge whoop of joy, because I have done it! I got the proof!
I did it! And...
I realize I’m getting excited over a drop of water! And something is really wrong with
this picture. Because look at the utter, complete crap I am doing!...And it isn’t even
my crap! It’s their crap. It’s important to them! Like the woman who sent me to
Staten Island to get a box of rainbow paper clips that was only available at this
one store, and who made me sign a confidentiality pledge before she would tell me
where the store was! What do I care where they sell rainbow paper clips!?
To me it’s just an errand! It’s a job! It’s a day job! Not a career. I have a career!
And it isn’t going to the store, or doing your laundry, or buying your wife an anniversary
present, or meeting your cousin at the airport...or watching your faucet drip!!!
I am an actress!! I am a good actress!!! And...
(180o calm):
...this has nothing to do with what we were talking about.
BUT...! THAT FELT REALLY GOOD!
JOHN
Yeah...That was very nice. We’ll call you in a few days and let you know.
-76-
II ii 9
MAGGIE
(Deliberately calm)
Now, what I started to say was...being an actress, I have to do...these other things.
Until what I want to happen, happens. Which is...a little frustrating. And means I’m...
not acting. So I take a job like this, where I’m doing something different every day,
and I’m around people and I can study them, so at least I’m nurturing some part
of my craft. But so many people are so gray and dreary. And the things they ask
you to do are so...mundane. You start to lose the magic.
Then something like this happens, and...It was so different, and--for once--fun.
I got sucked in and lost the real world for a while.
JOHN
That’s what fantasies are for.
MAGGIE
But this one is yours. And you just decided to close it down. Which is certainly your right.
I guess I just wasn’t ready for it to end.
(LONG PAUSE.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Neither was I!
MAGGIE
No, you’re right. You’ve got a real chance here. It is more important.
JOHN (ACCENT)
Nothing is more important than The Frenchman!
MAGGIE
But it took you so long to find him.
JOHN
And now I have found him! I can interview him any time!
MAGGIE
Wait a minute...In the midst of hard-core reality, you’re opting for pure self-indulgence.
JOHN
That’s what fantasies are for! And reality has intruded on my fantasy!
So has Ilise. You think it’s coincidence she resurfaced today? That woman
stepped on my dreams the entire time we were together. Well not this time!
And that goes for anyone with who she’s “that way”!
-77-
II ii 10
MAGGIE
You mean it?
JOHN
I mean it!
MAGGIE
Vive La France!
JOHN (ACCENT)
Allons! We have much to do!
(He goes to the desk and takes the two remaining packages.)
JOHN
Our time table has been accelerated. This one to that person at this address.
(He shows her a picture in the file)
This one to Julie. She’s the stage manager at the Theater of Disbelief.
(He shows her the other file)
Her favorite movie is “The Wizard of Oz”. These are the ruby slippers.
MAGGIE
That must have been some check you got!
JOHN
They’re not the real ruby slippers. But they’re close enough. Julie’s at the theater,
but take this to her apartment and leave it with the doorman. The guy’s a dead ringer
for Bert Lahr.
MAGGIE
What’s in this other one?
JOHN (ACCENT)
Some fantasies are personal! When you present this, you are to say,
“The Frenchman knows your soul!”
(Normal):
Then, go to the theater. When the show’s over, get the frog from Julie and bring it here.
I’ll call and tell her you’re coming for it.
(Accent):
And then, we will deal with Jerry the Accountant, her fiancé!
-78-
II ii 11
(MAGGIE goes to the bottle of champagne, still where John left it in Act I, pours herself half-a- glass,
downs it on one gulp, then throws the glass into the fireplace, smashing it. JOHN stares at her.)
MAGGIE
I always wanted to do that.
(MAGGIE EXITS.)
JOHN
I’ve created a monster!
(The phone rings. JOHN answers.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
This is...The Frenchman!
(Normal):
Ilise, what now?

You’re kidding! What happened?
Calm down! He’ll be all right!
Where is he now?
Where are you?...
OK...Try to calm down. I’ll be right there!
(He hangs up)
Holy Shit!! Jerry’s been shot by The Tranquilizer!
(JOHN RUNS OUT.)
(END SCENE 2)
-79-
II iii 1
ACT II Scene 3
JOHN’S APARTMENT. SLIGHTLY LATER.
(The apartment is empty. The sound of a key in the lock...and the door slowly opens.
A figure enters. It’s JERRY, who begins searching the apartment. This goes on for some time.
Then...A figure leaps out at him! They fall to the floor... JERRY is quickly overcome and is terrified.
The LIGHTS COME ON. DANCER is at the light switch, and the figure who jumped JERRY,
and is now straddling him, is RIGHT, wearing his grotesque mask. The sight of the mask
frightens JERRY more.)
JERRY
Don’t hurt me! My wallet’s in my back pocket! It’s yours!
RIGHT
Well thanks, Jer! Just a little something till I’m back on my feet.
(He takes Jerry’s wallet)
You know you shouldn’t trespass like this. It puts yet another crack in the already-frail
armor of society.
DANCER
What are we, but a pack of barely tamed animals living in dangerous proximity,
who depend on that spark of good, however deeply buried, that lives in each and every
one of us!
JERRY
You two!...Get off me!
RIGHT
Easy big fella! We’ve got you on a breaking and entering here. Told you I’d catch you.
JERRY
You’ve got me on nothing, you giant son of a bitch! I didn’t break in. I used a key!
I intend to search this apartment!
RIGHT
If I let you.
JERRY
You’ve got no say in it!
RIGHT
Except that I happen to be sitting on your heart.
-80-
II iii 2
JERRY
That, and the fact that you’re completely crazy.
(RIGHT pops JERRY on the jaw, knocking him out.)
RIGHT
(To his Chorus)
No, that wasn’t the right thing to do!
Well I don’t like him either, but I shouldn’t have hit him. The little twerp can’t help himself.
Sorry, Jer.
DANCER
Regret...One of the many hues in the vast rainbow of our emotions! But strong enough
to blot out all the others!
RIGHT
I said I was sorry. I’m not gonna lose any sleep over it.
DANCER
And so regret passes. And the world becomes bright again!
(RIGHT stands and casually goes through Jerry’s wallet, but takes nothing.)
RIGHT
Nothing of interest here...
Oh!...A theater ticket!
(JERRY comes to with a moan, and gets up.)
JERRY
You hit me! And look what you did to my shirt!
RIGHT
Sorry, Jer, I lost my head. I’m so wild and unpredictable...I do crazy things sometimes.
You wouldn’t believe some of them.
JERRY
Try me.
RIGHT
Well, once a kid on the block got me mad and I hung him from a picket fence.
-81-
II iii 3
JERRY
Must’ve torn his clothes to shreds.
RIGHT
His cheeks.
(He hands Jerry the wallet)
Here. I’m back on my feet now.
DANCER
And standing so straight, tall, and proud!
JERRY
All right, how much is he paying you to protect him?
RIGHT
Hey, Jerry, sometimes people do things for other reasons than money.
JERRY
Horse shit! What other reason is there?
RIGHT
Friendship...Loyalty...
DANCER
Happiness!...Trust!...Love!
JERRY
Well I’ll take a wad of green over any of those, any day of the week!
Anyone in their right mind would.
RIGHT
I’m in my Right mind.
DANCER
And there of some of us who would choose old-fashioned values over money!
RIGHT
Then again...How big a wad do you have in mind?
JERRY
What would you say to a piece of the frog?
RIGHT
Well, not the hands or feet. Those things live in swamps.
-82-
II iii 4
DANCER
I licked a frog once. It turned into a prince right before my eyes.
RIGHT
Must’ve felt like a fairy tale.
DANCER
More like a hallucination.
JERRY
I’m talking about the gold frog! Like maybe an ounce, all for yourself. Gold is worth...
(He whips out his machine, plugs it into his ear, and listens.)
...$869.67 an ounce right now.
DANCER
That’s some wad!
JERRY
And yours for the asking.
RIGHT
Make it four ounces.
JERRY
Two.
RIGHT
Three.
JERRY
Two and a half.
RIGHT
Two and three-quarters.
JERRY
Two and two-thirds.
RIGHT
Two and ten-seventeenths.
JERRY
Never mind! Make it three!
(He calculates on his machine)
That’ll be $2,609.01.
-83-
II iii 5
RIGHT
You can keep the penny, Jer.
JERRY
It’s a done deal. You get me the frog, and as soon as I sell it, the money’s yours.
But I reserve the right to wait till the market’s just right before I sell.
RIGHT
Just hit a little snag, Jer.
JERRY
What now?
RIGHT
I’m on a day pass.
DANCER
Time...The relentless, turning wheel that grinds our dreams to dust!
JERRY
Oh, yeah...OK, I’ll give you your money up front.
RIGHT
What a guy!
JERRY
But then I can only make it a thousand.
RIGHT
That’s a much smaller wad, Jer.
JERRY
But it’s cash, not talk. With one real bill you can buy a wallet full of talk.
See? Everything comes down to money.
RIGHT
Perhaps you’re right.
JERRY
You bet I am.
RIGHT
Perhaps you’re not.
(To his Chorus):
Don’t push me! I’ve got to think this through!
(To Jerry):
What would I have to do?
-84-
II iii 6
JERRY
Just get me the frog and the money’s yours. And while you’re making up your mind,
remember that if he hasn’t paid you yet, which I’m sure he hasn’t, by morning
he won’t have anything to pay you with.
Now, while you’re thinking it over, I intend to search this place.
(JERRY goes into the bedroom.)
RIGHT
He’s right. John could never give me anything like a thousand dollars.
DANCER
Unless he was using something other than money.
RIGHT
Boy, I think this is gonna be like, one of those Really Big Decisions
you have to sometimes make.
DANCER
We’ve come to a crossroads!...One choice to the right, the other to the left...
Whichever road we pick will be the path we walk for the rest of our lives...
And that will make all the difference!
What are you going to do, darling?
RIGHT
Well, something like this calls for a careful decision...Have to be very calm,
intensely rational.
I know! We’ll take a vote on it!
(He turns to his Chorus)
All right, all in favor of taking the moral high ground and remaining true to one’s self,
over there...
All in favor of selling out to the twerp with the wad, on that side of the room!
(He watches carefully as the Chorus lines up, then starts counting heads as):
(END OF SCENE 3)
-85-
II iv 1
ACT II Scene 4
JOHN’S APARTMENT. LATE AFTERNOON.
(The desk has been moved, the cushions on the couch are askew, and the bookcases
have been searched.
A key in the lock...JOHN ENTERS, looks around, and sees things have been disturbed.
The phone rings. He answers.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
This is The Frenchman!
(He listens, smiles)
The Frenchman knows your soul! Who else would have given you such a wonderful
instrument of diversion? And do not worry, ma petite. No one else shall know of your
secret pleasures but yourself and...The Frenchman!
(He hangs up and looks around.)
JOHN
That conniving little bastard!
(The bell rings. JOHN answers. RIGHT and DANCER ENTER.)
RIGHT
Hi gang! Sorry we’re late!...No, that’s not right.
John! My God! Your apartment! It’s a mess!

Eh...I’ve seen worse.
(To his Chorus):
No thanks, I’ll get it by myself!
Hi, John! Can we come in?...Oh...We are in.
Oh, what the hell...Jerry was here. He searched your place.
JOHN
I know.
RIGHT
Cosmic beams!...He didn’t take anything.
-86-
II iv 2
JOHN
I know.
RIGHT
But it looks like he examined your books.
The guy’s got your keys.
JOHN
I know. When we split up, Ilise refused to give them back.
But she’ll give them to him. I can’t believe that!...Yes I can.
RIGHT
They’re getting really serious about the bleeper.
JOHN
I know.
RIGHT
(To Dancer)
I hate people who claim they know everything. They make it difficult for those of us
who do.
DANCER
I know!
(To John):
James was wonderful! He leaped on the brazen intruder like a wild animal,
his eyes gleaming with purpose!
RIGHT
My eyes do that...They gleam.
JOHN
Did you really jump him?
DANCER
Oh yes! And you should have seen Jerry’s eyes roll back in his head
when he smacked him in the wazoo.
JOHN
You hit him?? That’s not your style.
RIGHT
I know. But that guy just a has a way of getting under your skin!
JOHN
I know!
-87-
II iv 3
RIGHT
Well, just wanted to tell you who invaded your home.
(To Dancer):
C’mon, Angel, they don’t need us here any more. But there are other good folk
hereabouts who might welcome a masked man and an Indian.
(With a running leap, DANCER flies into his arms.)
DANCER
Hi yo Silver!!
(He catches her and carries her out. At the door, he stops, turns to his CHORUS.)
RIGHT
You guys wait here.
(RIGHT EXITS, leaving the door open. JOHN neatens a bookshelf. RIGHT sticks his head in the door.)
RIGHT
By the way, where is the frog?
JOHN
I told him...It’s at the theater.
RIGHT
Uh-huh.
(RIGHT leaves.)
(JOHN straightens the couch cushions.)
JOHN
It’s a forty pound statue! I’m gonna stash it under a pillow?!
(He goes to the door to close it. And comes face to face with RIGHT.)
RIGHT
Which theater?
JOHN
The Theater of Disbelief.
RIGHT
Nice name!
-88-
II iv 4
(JOHN starts to close the door, but RIGHT doesn’t move.)
RIGHT
Where is it?
JOHN
In a loft, in SoHo...Why?
RIGHT
No reason.
(RIGHT LEAVES. JOHN closes the door and jockeys the desk back into place. The bell rings.
JOHN opens the door.)
JOHN
On Wooster Street, between Broome and Spring! You want the exact address?
(It’s ILISE.)
ILISE
I never shop in that neighborhood.
JOHN
Oh! The summer cold that turned into pneumonia!
(ILISE enters. She wears a different designer outfit.)
JOHN
Nice move. Playing on the last shred of any feelings I might have still had,
to lure me out of here so Jerry could search the place. Not to mention telling him
every detail of my financial life!
ILISE
I shouldn’t have done that.
I got hoarse from screaming on the phone.
I came over to make sure everything was all right.
JOHN
Bullshit! You came over so that greedy jerk could try something else stupid!
Did you change so much, or were you always like this and I just couldn’t see it?
ILISE
Wait a minute! Everyone’s telling me how good I look lately! Maybe you never
appreciated me, but...
ILISE and JOHN

Jerry does!
-89-
II iv 5
ILISE
That’s right!
JOHN
And you two are happy together? I mean, really, truly, happy?
(PAUSE.)
ILISE
Yeah!!
(She holds up her hand)
Look at this engagement ring he gave me!
JOHN
Great! Then how about getting the hell out of my life!
ILISE
Just give him the frog and he’ll stop. I told you Jerry can be very assertive.
But you wouldn’t listen!
JOHN
You know what? I’m glad this has happened.
Too bad it had to happen today, but it figures it would. So I’m glad.
Because after I realized what you’d done, I realized something else...
It doesn’t hurt any more. At some point today, it...just...stopped...hurting.
ILISE
My mother had that once. Pain like you wouldn’t believe, the doctors
couldn’t do a thing, and then one day, it was gone, just like that!
JOHN
Yeah. Just like that. Only there is something I can do.
(He goes to the desk, picks up the envelope with her note in it, takes the note out,
and slowly tears it to shreds. Then he throws the pieces into the air.)
ILISE
You know how long it’s going to take you to clean that up?
If you ever bother to.
(The door flies open! It’s RIGHT! He looks around, about to pounce, then relaxes.)
RIGHT
Sorry...I had the feeling you were in trouble.
-90-
II iv 6
JOHN
No...I’m feeling better than I have in...oh, about seven months.
RIGHT
(To John, as he looks at Ilise)
I like the other one better.
JOHN
(Thinking Right is talking about women)
So do I. Much better!
RIGHT
(To Ilise)
This ensemble lacks a certain joi de vivre...An elusive...je ne sais quoi.
JOHN
You’re talking about clothes!
ILISE
(To Right)
But the first was too casual for a night out. This is a lot smarter, don’t you think?
RIGHT
Oh yes. And much more scholarly, too!
ILISE
(To John)
See? There are some people who notice the important things.
Oh, I almost forgot! Jerry has a gun!
JOHN
How nice of you to get around to that! Another starter’s pistol?
ILISE
No--this time it’s a real one. He’s decided the frog is at the theater and he’s gone there
to get it. He took the gun with him. Go there! Do Something!
JOHN
How do you keep track of all this crap?
ILISE
Tell me about it!
But this is the truth. I lied to get you to tell me about the frog, and I lied
to get you out of the apartment, but I’m telling the truth now!
-91-
II iv 7
JOHN
Why would you do that?
ILISE
I never thought it would go this far. Lies, phony phone calls, phony guns, are one thing.
But now he’s got a real gun! I didn’t think he’d pull the trigger before, but he did.
Suppose he does something really crazy now? Do you realize what could happen?
We’ve got reservations for Club Med in two weeks!
JOHN
Not going solo this time?
ILISE
Why would I? Jerry loves Club Med. It’s where we met.
JOHN
Well, him getting really crazy could put a crimp in your plans. If he’s got a gun.
And if he’s at the theater.
RIGHT
He had a ticket in his wallet.
JOHN
Why didn’t you tell me!
RIGHT
Thought you’d seen the show.
JOHN
Maggie and Julie are there!
RIGHT
I’m going down there! And this time I’ll do more than just pop him!
(He starts for the door.)
JOHN
Wait!
(RIGHT stops, turns.)
JOHN
(To Ilise)
You can stop him. Go to the theater. Talk him out of trying to take the frog.
ILISE
But it’s in such a terrible neighborhood!
-92-
II iv 8
JOHN
Ilise!
ILISE
Will a taxi go there? I’m not taking the subway!
RIGHT
No problem! I’ll walk it!
(He starts to go.)
JOHN
Wait!!
(To Ilise):
This is serious now. You’ve got to go and talk him out of it.
ILISE
I tried!
JOHN
Well try again!
ILISE
It won’t do any good. And don’t yell at me!
JOHN
You want Jim to go down there and try?
(RIGHT “inflates” like a superhero.)
ILISE
NO!!
(RIGHT “deflates”.)
JOHN
Then for once in your life put out something for someone other than yourself.
And if you can’t do that, then do it for yourself...You’ll be serving Jerry
so he can continue to serve you.
ILISE
But he won’t listen to me.
-93-
II iv 9
JOHN
Yes he will. Tell him I’ll give him the frog.
ILISE
Will you?
JOHN
Ilise!!
ILISE
You know what a terrible liar I am! If he thinks I’m lying he’ll only get crazier!
JOHN
I don’t have it here, but I’ll get it. And I’ll give it to him. But only if he comes here for it.
And only if no one gets hurt.
RIGHT
What a guy!!
(He turns to his CHORUS and leads them in a round of cheers)
Hip hip!...Hip hip!...Hip hip!...
ILISE
Johnny, you’ve got to be serious this time. No more of your stupid games.
JOHN
He can have the fucking frog! It’s not that important!
ILISE
You promise?
JOHN and RIGHT

ILISE!!!
ILISE
Don’t yell at me!
All right, but you’d better mean it.
(ILISE EXITS.)
RIGHT
That guy chews wet diapers!
-94-
II iv 10
(DANCER ENTERS.)
DANCER
He’s a selfish, hard-hearted brute who thinks only of his own desires!
JOHN (ACCENT)
I have been far too lenient with him. Stronger measures are clearly called for.
He is an affront to all who behave in a civilized manner. A slap in the face
to all who believe in...Justice!
RIGHT
There’s got to be a Protector!
JOHN (ACCENT)
There is...The Frenchman! Who is now in need of someone courageous...Strong...
Honest...Who believes in Justice!!...Do you happen to know of such a man?
RIGHT
Oui, mon capitan!
JOHN (ACCENT)
I thought you might...I would like very much for The Tranquilizer and Jerry the Accountant
her fiancé to cross paths...And perhaps it will take several hours for Jerry to walk away
from such an encounter?
RIGHT
Two hours, twenty-seven minutes. Depending on what he’s had for breakfast.
JOHN (ACCENT)
That would be perfect.
Whoever arranged such a turn of events would have the eternal gratitude
and undying friendship of The Frenchman!
RIGHT
How about half the frog?
JOHN (ACCENT)
If that is what he desires, it is his.
DANCER
Now that’s a wad!
RIGHT
C’mon, Angel! We’re heading downtown!
-95-
II iv 11
DANCER
I love that neighborhood!
(He grabs DANCER by the arm and they run out. Seconds later he sticks his head back in the
door and addresses his CHORUS).
RIGHT
You guys wait here.
(RIGHT EXITS.)
(A big smile lights JOHN’S face. He begins to hum “La Marseilles”...After a few bars, he turns to
RIGHT’S CHORUS and leads them in a rousing group rendition.)
(END ACT II)
-96-
III i 1
ACT III Scene 1
JOHN’S APARTMENT. EVENING.
(JOHN dials a number and waits. After several seconds he scowls and hangs up. He dials
again...waits...frowns...The doorbell rings. He slaps the phone down, goes to the door,
and opens it.)
JOHN
You two! Merde!
JERRY
Who were you expecting? Charles DeGaulle and Marcel Marceau?
(JERRY & ILISE ENTER.)
JERRY
Gimme the frog.
JOHN
I don’t have it.
ILISE
Johnnn-nnyyy!!
JERRY
You said you did!
JOHN
I said if you came here--and no one got hurt--I’d get it.
JERRY
Well I’m here. And no one’s hurt. Yet. So get it.
JOHN
I’ll have it here by ten.
ILISE
Johnny! You promised!
JOHN
You can have the damned frog!
JERRY
At ten.
JOHN
Yeah.
-97-
III i 2
JERRY
All right...But we’re not out of each other’s sight until this is finished.
JOHN (ACCENT)
I distrust a man who distrusts other men. Such a man is not to be trusted himself.
JERRY
What’s wrong with you?
JOHN (ACCENT)
(Looks himself over)
Wrong?
JERRY
Yeah. There’s something wrong with someone who has to pretend
he’s something he’s not.
JOHN
Do you have a dream?
JERRY
Every night. Sometimes two or three. And most of them are in color!
JOHN
That isn’t exactly what I meant, but it’s probably as good as it’s gonna get.
JERRY
So what’s your point?
JOHN (ACCENT)
I distrust a man who does not have a dream. He will probably try to destroy
those of others.
JERRY
See? That’s what I mean. You’re not French! But I’ll tell you what you are...You’re sick!
ILISE
Don’t let him upset you. Just ignore him.
JERRY
I’m trying to! But I can’t believe we have to stay here until ten with this jerk!
I’m telling you, once we have our hands on that baby, I am outta here!
JOHN
But you’ll cancel that stupid computer contract first, right?
JERRY
Yeah...Once I have the frog.
-98-
III i 3
JOHN
Well, nothing to do now but wait. Anyone want something to drink?
(ACCENT):
Perrier...Vichy water...Chateau Latour?
JERRY
The guy even drinks in French!
(The door bell rings, and DANCER ENTERS. She stares at JERRY.)
DANCER
You’re alive!
JERRY
Of course I’m alive!
JOHN
Was that joy? Or disappointment?
DANCER
I don’t know.
James was so angry, his nostrils flared like a raging beast on the scent of something
that wounded it. I tried to stop him, but it was as if he were being pulled onward
by a force he had neither the ability nor the desire to resist, and all I could do
was stand there, helpless, while he closed the distance between them with
powerful strides, carried further and further away on the tide he alone could feel!
JERRY
What he’d do? Ascend to heaven?
DANCER
I lost him in the crowd.
I’ve never seen him so angry in all the time I’ve known him.
ILISE
Now there’s a big deal.
DANCER
I was terrified of what’d he do when he finally cornered his quarry.
ILISE
Who--or what--was he after?
-99-
III i 4
DANCER
(To Jerry)
You.
JERRY
Me?? He’s working for me!
DANCER
I’m not sure he remembered that at the time. He didn’t look like he was on his way
to pick up a pay check.
JOHN
What happened?
DANCER
We went to the theater. The streets started getting crowded, and when we were a
block away he thought he saw Jerry and charged off. It was so frightening!...
It was so thrilling!
JERRY
He wasn’t going to hurt me! I hired that weirdo this afternoon!
JOHN
When you broke in here.
JERRY
I didn’t break in! I used a...How do you know about that?
JOHN
The weirdo told me.
JERRY
He’s a double agent! Well I’ve got plans for him, too!
(THE DOOR BELL RINGS. JOHN ANSWERS. RIGHT ENTERS. As soon as he sees JERRY,
he shoves JOHN aside and lunges for him. JERRY screams, draws a pistol, and points it at RIGHT.
RIGHT freezes, hangs in mid-air, and speaks without missing a beat.)
RIGHT
Oh! Isn’t that a fly in the ointment! I’ll go back out and we’ll try again!
(Without breaking rhythm, RIGHT EXITS, closing the door behind him. Seconds later,
the bell rings. JOHN opens the door, and in walks a smiling, calm RIGHT.)
RIGHT
Well hello, Jer!...Long time no see!
-100-
III i 5
JERRY
You really are a basket case!
RIGHT
(Indicates his Chorus)
They liked it.
(Indicates the gun):
Say, a Walther PPK!
JERRY
Who the hell is Walter?
RIGHT
The gun, Jerry, the gun. Seven in the clip, one in the chamber.
Hair trigger. You might wanna be a little careful with that.
JERRY
Whatever. Just get in here and sit down.
RIGHT
Oh! We’re playing a game!
JERRY
Yeah. It’s called Waiting for the Frog.
RIGHT
I like it!
(JOHN and RIGHT sit on the couch. DANCER takes a chair.)
ILISE
I’ll make some coffee.
(She goes into the KITCHEN, where she turns on a radio.)
RADIO
...with the market still caught up in frenzied trading, gold hit a new all-time record
today of $875, before closing at $825.50.
(JERRY cocks an ear, then whips out his machine and calculates.)
JERRY
(To John)
See? We could have gotten $875 an ounce! Now it’s down to $825.50!
Because of you, we’re out $31,680!
-101-
III i 6
DANCER
Merely a few moments hesitation...But how does one measure the true cost?
I’d make it one Mercedes 450SL. Preferably red.
(JERRY turns to RIGHT.)
JERRY
And you...You went to the theater to get me.
RIGHT
No, Jer, I went to the theater to get you the bleeper.
JOHN
I thought you went to the theater to stop him.
RIGHT
Oh, yeah...No, Jer, I went to the theater to crush your head.
JERRY
We made a deal! You were supposed to be working for me!
RIGHT
I said I’d consider working for you. And I did.
JERRY
So what happened? The money wasn’t enough?
DANCER
You lost the vote.
JERRY
Why do I bother?
(ILISE comes running in from the kitchen.)
ILISE
The Tranquilizer just struck again! It’s on the radio!
(To John):
It happened outside the theater where you had those plays done.
The Theater of Stupidity.
JOHN
The Theater of Disbelief!
-102-
III i 7
ILISE
Whatever...There was a man on the corner screaming about the gold market,
and The Tranquilizer shot him, and ran off yelling...
ILISE and RIGHT

There has to be a Protector!
(All eyes turn to RIGHT, who said this last line as if in a trance. Now he snaps out of it
and realizes they’re staring at him).
RIGHT
Oh...Didn’t I tell you? I was there.
JERRY
You never said a word.
RIGHT
Just as well...I doubt words will do the experience justice.
JERRY
Try.
RIGHT
Well, there I was, looking over the crowd, to kill Jerry, and there was this guy,
going on and on about the surges in the gold market. A real nut job...
But it wasn’t Jerry. And then it happened, like in a dream...From out of nowhere,
The Tranquilizer appeared, streaking like lightning toward the center of the storm.
(He slips into the trance again)
In one blinding move he had his Svenson 714 precision tranq injector aimed
at his target...Then he pulled the trigger, sending 100 milligrams of ketamine
coursing through the poor wretch’s blood stream...The sucker was out
before you could say “There has to be Justice”...
(PAUSE...RIGHT sits entranced in the memory.)
JERRY
Then what happened?
RIGHT
What?
JERRY
What’d you do next?
RIGHT
(Coming out of the trance)
Oh...The next thing I remember, I was on a bus.
Then I got in the bus, and came here.
-103-
III i 8
JERRY
I’ll bet you could describe this guy real well.
RIGHT
Just your average theater buff who dabbles in the market.
JERRY
I mean The Tranquilizer.
RIGHT
Oh him? Nah...It all happened so fast.
JERRY
Well you don’t think you remember much, but I’ll bet it would do the police
a world of good to have a little talk with you.
RIGHT
Aw, I don’t want to go to the police.
JERRY
No, you could be a big help in the case. Maybe we can even arrange for you
to talk to the police later, and....
RIGHT
I SAID, NO POLICE, JER!!!
(This, with so much force that JERRY backs away from him. And pulls his gun.)
JERRY
I’m giving the orders around here!
RIGHT
Only as long as I let you keep that toy.
ILISE
Anyone want coffee?
EVERYONE
NO!!!
JOHN
(To Right)
What happened? I thought you were going to deal with him at the theater.
RIGHT
Lost him in the crowd.
DANCER
And that has made all the difference!
-104-
III i 9
(The door flies open, kicked from the outside, and MAGGIE staggers in, carrying a large object
wrapped in brown cloth. Everyone leaps up, but they’re stopped in their tracks by a shriek from
DANCER.)
DANCER
OH MY GOD!!!
(Everyone turns to her.)
DANCER
It’s dark out!
JERRY
Well thank you, Miss Town Crier.
DANCER
Jim is on a day pass. He had to be back by sundown!
(Everyone turns to the window...Then they look at RIGHT.)
RIGHT
The pass...I forgot all about that.
(He takes a pass from his pocket and looks at it.)
RIGHT
Uh-oh.
JERRY
Well it is dark out! Hah!
RIGHT
No problem! I’ll just write myself another!
(He crumples the pass and tosses it over his shoulder, then takes out a pad of passes
and writes a new one, as the others look on.)
RIGHT
J. Right...Due back midnight...1/21/80...There! That ought to do it!
(Meanwhile, MAGGIE has gotten the frog to the desk.)
MAGGIE
Hey, doesn’t anyone care about this anymore?
(JERRY and ILISE spring to life, rushing to the desk, and clawing at the brown cloth.
Slowly the statue is revealed: a large, grinning frog).
-105-
III i 10
JERRY
(Grabbing Ilise’s arm)
We’ve got it, Ilise! We’ve got it!
ILISE
Let go of me! I just bought this outfit!
MAGGIE
I am filthy!
RIGHT
Well, these things live in swamps.
ILISE
Tell me about it! That neighborhood has got to be the filthiest place in the city!
MAGGIE
I gotta wash my hands.
(To John, an obvious imitation of Ilise):
Got any soap?
JOHN
(Smiles)
In the drawer.
(He motions toward the bathroom. Maggie exits.)
RIGHT
So this is the bleeper that’s worth five hundred thou!...And I get $2,609.
JERRY
What are you talking about? You said you’d do it for a thousand!
What am I saying?...You’re not getting any of it!
RIGHT
But we made a deal, Jer.
JERRY
Our deal was $1,000 if you helped me get the frog. But I’m the one who made sure
it was delivered. You didn’t do diddly squat! I lost the vote, remember?
RIGHT
Well, yes you did. But I think I played a significant part in getting you the frog.
JERRY
And what was that, pray tell?
-106-
III i 11
RIGHT
Pray tell, I only popped you before. I didn’t do any of the...wild, unpredictable things
I’ve done to people who...upset me. If I did, you might still be getting the frog,
but you’d be doing it in four different places at the same time.
JERRY
But all you did do was pop me. You didn’t shoot me with your tranquilizer gun,
or anything else wild and unpredictable. Now I’m in control, so tough noogie!
RIGHT
Would I be correct in interpreting that to mean you’re backing out of our partnership?
JERRY
Right on the button, ex-partner!
DANCER
He’s not gonna like that.
JERRY
Like I care!
RIGHT
(To John)
You promised me half the frog. Are you still sticking to our deal?
JOHN (ACCENT)
The Frenchman always keeps his word!
RIGHT
That’s what I thought.
JOHN
Hey, Jerry, you’ve got a phone call to make.
JERRY
Yeah? What call is that?
JOHN
(Helpfully)
White collar power?
JERRY
I’ve been thinking about that...And all the trouble you’ve put me through
for no good reason...I’ve decided, why should I do something for you?...
So I’m not gonna make that call. I may not be able to shoot you,
but I’ll sure maim you where it counts!
RIGHT
Hey, Jer, how come you’re such a mean little prick?
-107-
III i 12
JERRY
Because everyone is always picking on accountants! No one ever takes us seriously.
Except at tax time, when you all come crying, “Save Me! “Save Me!”...Then we’re
saints and heroes! But do we ever get any respect the rest of the year? You bet
your assets we don’t! It’s nothing but accountant jokes! And we’re always the short,
bald, scrawny guys in the movies and on TV! Well, not any more!
None of you believed I’d get the frog, but I did! You didn’t believe I’d go through
with shooting you before, but I did! You didn’t believe I’d gun you down financially,
but I’m going to do it! From now on, you’re going to pay attention when I say something!
(DANCER yawns majestically.)
DANCER
Oh...Sorry, Jerry.
JERRY
I’ve got plans for all of you! I’m in control now, and what I say goes!
(To Right):
You’re not getting paid for a job you didn’t do...
(To John):
And you’re going through computer hell!
JOHN
(To Right)
Let’s take the gun away from him.
RIGHT
Yes, shall we?
(JOHN gives the thumbs-up sign, then turns to JERRY.)
JOHN
Hey Jerry, what’s the price of gold?
(JERRY automatically pulls out his machine and plugs it into his ear.)
JERRY
The closing market....
(RIGHT is on him in a flash. As he goes for the gun, it goes off. The bullet hits and chips the frog.
But everyone’s attention is on RIGHT & JERRY.
With one deft move, RIGHT takes the gun from JERRY, flips it to JOHN, and pins JERRY
to the wall, lifting him off the ground and rendering him absolutely helpless.)
-108-
III i 13
RIGHT
Well, that was easy enough!
And now, you little twerp...!
(RIGHT rears back, about to obliterate JERRY with one blow.)
EVERYONE
NO!!!
(RIGHT freezes, looks around, undecided. PAUSE...)
RIGHT
We’ll put it to a vote. All in favor of offing the twerp?
(He looks around at the Chorus, and counts the “ayes”)
Uh-huh...All opposed?
EVERYONE
(Hopefully)
Nay!!
RIGHT
So...There is a Protector.
(He lets JERRY go. JERRY slides to the floor.)
DANCER
This time, you won the vote.
RIGHT
No hard feelings, Jer...It’s just that I get mad when people lie, betray a trust,
screw around with my friends, and pull guns on me.
JERRY
No problem...No problem.
ILISE
Oh, poor baby!
(ILISE rushes toward JERRY...Then runs past him and bends over the frog, inspecting it.)
JERRY
(Jumps up)
Is it damaged?
-109-
III i 14
(Everyone crowds around the frog.)
ILISE
Well, it’s chipped.
JERRY
How big a chip? This stuff goes by the ounce!
ILISE
Big enough! But I think we’ll be able to glue it back on and repaint it.
It’ll look as good as new.
(To John:)
Got any glue?
JERRY
We’re not gonna glue it back together! We’re talking about gold!
This isn’t one of your dumb statues!
ILISE
You always said you liked them!
JERRY
Wait a minute...Gold doesn’t chip!
Ilise, get the hell out of the way!
(He examines the frog)
This isn’t gold! It’s a phony! It’s a fake! It’s...cement!
(To John):
You lied to us!
RIGHT
My God!!
JOHN
You wanted the frog, you got the frog.
JERRY
It’s supposed to be a gold frog!
JOHN
It’s supposed to be the frog she left here, and I lent to the theater.
-110-
III i 15
JERRY
But it’s not gold!
RIGHT
Maybe if you kiss it?
DANCER
I licked a frog once.
ILISE
That’s disgusting!
DANCER
It turned into a prince right before my eyes.
ILISE
With you, it would!
(MAGGIE RETURNS.)
MAGGIE
You mean I lugged four tons of frog up here for nothing?
ILISE
Forty pounds.
MAGGIE
It’s heavier than it looks. Trust me.
JERRY
(To John)
You’ve got some explaining to do.
JOHN
Ilise comes from a family of embezzlers, stock manipulators, and inside traders.
JERRY
White collar power!
ILISE
Johnnnny!
RIGHT
That’s all right, ma’am. We’re all family here.
JERRY
Oh, you’d fit right in with that bunch!
ILISE
Jerrr-rrry!
-111-
III i 16
JOHN
And the greatest of them all was Uncle Vito!
ILISE
No one ever wanted anything to do with him!
JOHN
Whose last caper was hijacking a small gold shipment. Three days later,
he was in a restaurant with Aunt Melanie, about to tell her where he’d hidden the loot,
when he suddenly began to choke, and keeled over. His last words were, “The Frog!”
JERRY
There you go.
And the next night, the ceramic animal factory he used as a front was broken into.
And all the animals were smashed.
JOHN
Right.
RIGHT
What?
Who said that?
JOHN
Sorry. Poor choice of words.
JERRY
So what’s the big mystery? Vito melted the gold down and recast it as a frog.
They broke into the factory because they were looking for the gold.
ILISE
He’s been listening to Cousin Stanley again.
JERRY
His last words were “The Frog”! What else could that mean?
JOHN
What about what he was eating when he died?
MAGGIE
What was he eating?
JOHN
Frog’s legs.
So, was he gasping out the location of the gold, or trying to say he was choking
on that night’s blue plate special?
-112-
III i 17
DANCER
Are you saying the frog doesn’t exist? That it’s a shadow...a phantom...
nothing more than an icon with no real substance other than that
gleaned from our fevered yearnings?
ILISE
You been talking to Aunt Harriet?
JOHN
No one knows for sure.
JERRY
Then why was the factory broken into?
JOHN
When I was writing my play about Uncle Vito, I did some research. The local paper
had all the details of the break-in. And an arrest that happened five days later.
The factory was broken into, and vandalized, by four teenagers who lived in another town.
JERRY
Why?!?
JOHN and RIGHT

For the fun of it!
JERRY
Who in their right mind would break into a factory just to smash some ceramic animals?
RIGHT
I might!
JERRY
I said who in their right mind!
RIGHT
Everything about me is right today.
JERRY
You’re a real mental Chapter 11!
Destroying inventory isn’t fun!
(JOHN goes to his desk and retrieves a copy of a newspaper article, which he hands to JERRY.)
JOHN
Here. It’ll be real easy for you to find. It’s on the bottom line.
JERRY
(Reading)
“When asked why they did it, Timmy Boon, the leader of the gang, replied,
‘For the fun of it!’”
-113-
III i 18
(RIGHT quiets the gasps of astonishment from his Chorus.)
JERRY
So what happened to the gold?
RIGHT
Maybe Uncle Vito hid it inside a gazelle.
JOHN
Jerry, it’s a legend. Something to have fun with on a cozy winter’s night.
DANCER
Although oral tradition often becomes a more permanent part of societal consciousness.
JERRY
How do you know it’s only a legend? You can’t be sure.
JOHN
What are you gonna do? Examine every frog in the family?
JERRY
I already have. I’ve been to everyone’s house. And I’ve looked at their frog.
Aunt Pearl, Aunt Barbara, Cousin Dorothy, Uncle Sid, you name it, I been there.
MAGGIE
You’re putting that much effort into this?
JERRY
I had to meet them all anyway. How hard is it to get a few minutes alone with a frog?
ILISE
You said you wanted to meet them!
JERRY
Ilise, get real!
(To John):
You were the last one.
JOHN
No, Jerry, I’m not. There’ll always be another frog.
JERRY
Hey, pal, in the past two weeks I’ve looked at more frogs than a veterinarian
at a Florida petting zoo. I’m telling you, I’ve covered them all.
JOHN
I shouldn’t tell you this, but...You know Aunt Helen?
-114-
III i 19
JERRY
Now there’s one I haven’t met.
ILISE
Yes you have! She’s the one who keeps dying her hair different shades of orange.
JERRY
I thought that’s Cousin Denise.
ILISE
No! Denise is always bumming cigarettes and asking you to drive her some place.
JERRY
Sounds like Grandma Rose.
ILISE
Helen! The one with the beady eyes!
JERRY
That could be cousin Phil!
JOHN
OK! It doesn’t matter!
Helen told me, if Vito liked someone, he gave them a frog. That was why nobody
wanted him coming to their house. Not because someone was always trying
to shoot him down on your front door step...Nobody wanted any more frogs.
Well, there was a couple who lived on a farm in Illinois, who used to hide Vito
when he was on the run from the cops. And he was very fond of them.
MAGGIE
Are these people still alive?
JOHN
She is. Eighty years old, and alive and kicking in Cairo, Illinois.
JERRY
And Vito disappeared for two days after the gold heist! So...he poured the gold
into the frog mold at the factory, hid out on the farm, and left the frog with them!
JOHN
I’m not saying that. I’m just showing you it’s endless. There’ll always be another frog.
And another place to look.
DANCER
Who knows what lies in the distant corners of the vast labyrinth of possibility we call life?
Does she still have the frog?
-115-
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JERRY
Why wouldn’t she? It was a gift from someone who was a hero to those people.
And she never heard Vito’s last words, so she has no idea what it’s worth.
JOHN
You’re really reaching here!
JERRY
That’s what you say. I say, since this isn’t the gold frog, the one she has must be.
MAGGIE
But if Uncle Vito liked them so much, he probably gave them more than one.
ILISE
Try dozens.
JERRY
I’ll find the right one. Believe me, I’ll find it.
JOHN
What are you gonna do? Go barging in on this woman waving a pistol?
RIGHT
That could be fun!
JERRY
I’m gonna do whatever I have to. But I’m getting that frog.
JOHN
The woman is 80 years old.
RIGHT
She could probably do with a good adrenaline rush!
JERRY
Hey, pal, we’re talking about half a mil, here.
JOHN
Now I’m sorry I told you that story!
JERRY
But you did tell me. When I get the frog, I’ll consider tossing you a finder’s fee.
(To Ilise):
C’mon. We’ve got a plane to catch.
JOHN
Wait a minute.
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JERRY
What?
JOHN
Before you go racing off to Cairo...you gonna call off your computer or not?
JERRY
Uh-uh...That’s your problem. I’m not making that call.
RIGHT
You made a deal, Jer.
JERRY
That wasn’t a deal. It was something I said in a moment of weakness.
Now I’ve had some time to think about it. And now I’m saying this.
RIGHT
You can say that about anything.
JERRY
Yeah....Ain’t life grand?
DANCER
But then your word means nothing. Not even the breath it takes to utter it.
JERRY
My word means something. When I want it to. Right now...I don’t want it to.
(To John):
The word is No, pal. You’re the wise-ass with all the clever answers. Well answer this!
(JERRY turns to go.)
MAGGIE
All right! That does it!
JERRY
What now?
(MAGGIE slowly advances on JERRY as she talks, backing him across the room.)
MAGGIE
You have been one huge pain in the ass since you walked in here!
Pushing people around...giving orders...making stupid demands...threats...
violence...To get what you want--money...power...Control! Because that’s what
life is all about to you. Money... power.... and Control! And how you can get more
than you already have. With more lies and more threats!
But you know what you never take into account? Other people! You never think about
the-rest-of-us!
-117-
III i 22
ILISE
He happens to be a very good accountant!
And an excellent provider. Look at this necklace he bought me!
MAGGIE
This isn’t about things. It’s about people. There is a difference.
ILISE
You can’t talk to me that way!
MAGGIE
Someone has to.
ILISE
Now just a minute...
MAGGIE
Hey--this is between me and him. You wanna “stand by your man”, you and I
can take that up later. Alone!
ILISE
(To John)
Got any glue?
JOHN
In the drawer.
(ILISE goes to the sideboard, opens the drawer, and rummages.)
MAGGIE
(Back to Jerry)
It stops right here! It’s not all money and power. And you’re not always gonna be
in control. And when you are, you can’t....make people watch faucets drip!!
Now, Lesson #1...you don’t make a promise unless you intend to deliver.
But you did make the promise. So you’re going to deliver. The word is Yes!
You’re going to make that call!
(By now, she’s nose to nose with JERRY, completely in his face. He is totally intimidated
but tries an obviously-false show of strength.)
JERRY
Or...what?
MAGGIE
Or I’ll take care of you myself!
JERRY
You...and what army?
-118-
III i 23
RIGHT
Ah-hem! Want me to rally the troops?
MAGGIE
(Eyes glued to Jerry)
I want you to stand there and not move!
RIGHT
Yes ma’am!
DANCER
If you need him, just snap the leash.
MAGGIE
Now...If I don’t see a phone in your hand in the next thirty seconds,
I’m gonna do something wild and unpredictable.
JERRY
You’re...bluffing.
MAGGIE
You wanna try me and find out?
(JERRY thinks it over. Eyes glued to him, MAGGIE steps back and pushes up her sleeves.)
MAGGIE
You just cut your window of opportunity in half. You’re about to do the same thing
to your life span.
(JERRY stares at her. She’s not kidding.)
JERRY
All right! All right!...Goddammit! I hate big guys and pushy women!
(JERRY goes to the phone and dials.)
RIGHT
(Looking around, to his Chorus)
Coming!!
(MAGGIE sashays to the other side of the room.

ILISE finds the glue, closes the drawer, turns, and comes face to face with MAGGIE.
MAGGIE smiles. ILISE SNEERS at her, then goes to the statue and goes to work, trying to
glue on the chipped piece.
JOHN approaches MAGGIE.)
JOHN
What the hell got into you?
-119-
III i 24
MAGGIE
Told you I was good!
(He stares at her. She smiles and winks.)
JOHN
You mean that was all...
MAGGIE
Yep!
JOHN
I think you got the part.
JERRY
Hello, Miles? It’s Jerry...No kidding? It’s trading at 105? That’s down ten points
from this morning! And news of the inventory shortage hasn’t even leaked out yet!
At this rate they’ll be down to 75 by next week. Then, when Talco announces
the merger, it’ll shoot up to over 120, just like we talked about!
MAGGIE
Hey, Jerry!
JERRY
Oh, yeah...Miles, about that contract I asked you to put through on the computer?
Cancel it. I’ve changed my mind. It’s a no-go...I’ll tell you the details later.
White collar power!
(He hangs up, turns to Maggie)
Happy?
MAGGIE
I hope that was a local call. Because I didn’t hear you reverse the charges.
(RIGHT comes running in from the bedroom.)
RIGHT
Sorry I’m late! Did I miss the credits?...No, that’s not right.
Where were we? Oh yes...How’d the call go, Jer? Did you reverse the charges?
JERRY
I am outta here! If I stay any longer, I’ll wind up....like all of you!
DANCER
It’s the eternal ebb and flow of energy amidst the welter of humanity
and collective murmur of psyches that roil in the boundless ether
of consciousness.
-120-
III i 25
(JOHN, MAGGIE and RIGHT turn and stare at her).
JOHN / MAGGIE / RIGHT

WOW!!
JERRY
That’s what I mean.
DANCER
Bon voyage, Jer.
JERRY
And good riddance!
(JERRY goes to the door, stops, turns to RIGHT.)
JERRY
Hey, we might be able to use you. If you can follow orders without changing sides
every two minutes. Care to come to Cairo with us?
RIGHT
Cool!...But I’ve got a conflicting commitment.
I’m on a day pass.
JERRY
How could I forget!
Well...No hard feelings anyone...It was only business.
(He starts to go.)
JOHN
Wait a minute.
JERRY
What now?
JOHN
What about the frog?
ILISE
(Looking up from her work on the statue)
All fixed! But you’d better let the glue dry before you touch it.
JOHN
I don’t want it!
JERRY
Well I don’t want it!
-121-
III i 26
RIGHT
I don’t want it!
JOHN
Ilise?
ILISE
What am I gonna do with it?
RIGHT
Mother’s Day is coming up. Perhaps your dear old mum...
ILISE
My mother collect’s owls!
(She crosses to the sideboard and puts the glue back in the drawer.)
JOHN
What happened to “It’s been in my family for years”?...”I trust you with something precious?”
ILISE
Johnny...Get real!
JERRY
(To John)
You care about it so much, it’s yours. I give it to you.
ILISE
It’s not yours to give!
JERRY
Then you take it.
ILISE
I’m not taking that thing. You know how much it weighs?
RIGHT
Forty pounds!
JERRY
Forty pounds of worthless crap! You want it, Ilise? Pick it up and let’s go.
ILISE
(To John)
It’s yours.
JOHN
I don’t want it!
-122-
III i 27
ILISE
It’s a gift from Uncle Vito.
(To Maggie):
The glue is in the drawer. On top of something that might be a sock. Or maybe an old...
JERRY
Ilise! We’ve got a plane to catch!
ILISE
Don’t yell at me!
JERRY
Someone has to.
(JERRY start to go.)
JERRY
Wait a minute. Where’s my gun?
JOHN
I don’t have it.
RIGHT
I don’t have it!
DANCER
Terrible karma!
MAGGIE
Don’t look at me.
ILISE
Oh...you mean this?
(She reaches into her bag and withdraws Jerry’s pistol.)
JERRY
Yeah. That. Give it to me.
ILISE
No.
JERRY
What d’ya mean, no?
ILISE
I mean I’m not giving you this. It only gets you into trouble.
-123-
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JERRY
It’s not gonna get me into trouble! It’s not even loaded.
RIGHT
I’m not sure little Kermit here would agree!
JERRY
It had one bullet in it. Just in case I...
ILISE
Just in case you wanted to get into trouble.
JERRY
Ilise! I’m not even gonna discuss this now. We’ve got to get on that plane. C’mon.
ILISE
Did it ever occur to you that I may not care about all this as much as you do?
JERRY
I’ll buy you that outfit you saw in Bloomies last week.
(ILISE makes a beeline for the door.)

ILISE
Tell the cabbie to pull up at the 61st St. entrance. I’ll be two minutes,
he can shoot across the bridge to the airport.
(At the door):
Nice meeting everyone!
(ILISE and JERRY start to EXIT. As they go):
JERRY
Now gimme the gun!
ILISE
No!
JERRY
Ilise!
ILISE
Jerry!
(They EXIT.)
MAGGIE
You and her were...
JOHN
Don’t say it.
-124-
III i 29
DANCER
Someone has to!
JOHN
Boy, any nut case can get a gun!
RIGHT
That’s what I love about this country! And that nut case has a Walther PPK!
Seven in the clip, one in the chamber. Hair trigger. Good thing the clip is empty.
...Of course, there could be one shell in the chamber.
(From out in the hall, A SHOT!)
JERRY
ILISE!!
ILISE
Sorry Jerry.
(ILISE appears in the doorway.)
ILISE
Got any glue?
(Jerry’s hand appears behind her and yanks her away.)
ILISE
Jer-ry!
RIGHT
But....I don’t think so.
(To Dancer):
Well, c’mon, Angel. We can still get in a few more hours of bliss before our time is over.
DANCER
Bliss! Every soul’s narcotic! But then comes the moment of parting! Will I have
the strength to look into his eyes, knowing it may be for the last time...Knowing
I have to somehow get through the cold, empty nights without his arms around me?
Why don’t you write yourself another pass?
RIGHT
Love to, but we’re going on maneuvers tomorrow. Can’t miss that.
There’s a rumor someone’s bringing live ammunition.
DANCER
You take your responsibilities so seriously!
-125-
III i 30
RIGHT
Well, the guys are counting on me to bring the live ammunition!
But as soon as I get back, I’ll just grab one of these puppies and I’m out of there.
(Since RIGHT mentioned maneuvers, JOHN has been edging toward RIGHT’S pass on the floor.
Now he picks it up, reads it, and becomes confused.)
JOHN
You really are in the army!
RIGHT
Of course I am! What’d you think?
(To his Chorus):
Wait! Wait! Let him speak!
JOHN
Well, I, uh...didn’t expect it to be the army.
RIGHT
What did you expect?
JOHN
Bellevue...Matawan...Pilgrim State...Creedmore.
RIGHT
John, those are mental hospitals.
JOHN
Yep!
RIGHT
You think I’m crazy?
JOHN and MAGGIE

Yep!!
RIGHT
You know, I suspect a lot of people do...I wonder why?
DANCER
It’s your high energy!
JOHN
And maybe because you talk to a group of people no one else sees.
RIGHT
You mean...you don’t?
-126-
III i 31
MAGGIE
Not in public.
RIGHT
Maybe you should.
So, you thought I was crazy.
JOHN and MAGGIE

Yep!!
RIGHT
Well, I am!
Join the Army!...Visit exotic places... Meet interesting people...And learn to kill them!
You don’t think that’s crazy?
MAGGIE
Then why do you do it?
RIGHT
Because I like it! It’s not just a job...It’s an Adventure!
(PAUSE...Is he crazy or isn’t he?...JOHN starts firing questions at RIGHT.)
JOHN
Hey Jim, where are you stationed?
RIGHT
Fort Dix.
JOHN
When’d you get off the base?
RIGHT
This morning, at oh-nine-hundred.
JOHN
When are you due back?
RIGHT
Twelve hundred hours tonight.
JOHN
What’s your rank?
RIGHT
Spec. 4.
-127-
III i 32
JOHN
What’s your unit?
RIGHT
237th. Maintenance.
JOHN
(The real test)
What’s your MOS?
RIGHT
63 Bravo.
JOHN
You really are in the army!
RIGHT
(Looking around)
Who said that?
JOHN
Then why do you let people think you’re The Tranquilizer?
RIGHT
Do people think that?
JOHN and MAGGIE

YEP!!
MAGGIE
Jerry was ready to turn you in!
RIGHT
I just want to thank the members of the Academy for this great honor...
It’s always an extra thrill to have one’s work acknowledged by one’s peers.
JOHN
But if you’re not The Tranquilizer, why’d you get so upset when Jerry threatened
to call the police?
(RIGHT pulls the pad of passes from his pocket.)
RIGHT
You think these are legal??
JOHN
But you know so much about how him...his tranquilizer gun...the drug he uses.
-128-
III i 33
RIGHT
And you know all about Uncle Vito...You admire someone, you study them!
Well, we really must be running along. Thanks so much for a pleasant afternoon.
Dancer and I just loved having you. And I really have to say, your floors
aren’t yellow, and your crystal doesn’t have spots.
I think that says it all.
DANCER
But words are so inadequate...they fall so short of expressing the surging emotions
one feels when one has finally met...Mr. Right!!
(DANCER and RIGHT EXIT TOGETHER, eyes only for each other.)
MAGGIE
His MOS??
JOHN
(Distracted and troubled)
Military Occupational Specialty. I wrote a play about the army last year.
MAGGIE
What’s wrong?
JOHN
I was just thinking...Suppose Jerry faked that call? What if he never canceled
the computer contract?
(RIGHT reappears in the doorway.)
RIGHT
He did...I was listening in on the bedroom extension.
(RIGHT disappears. JOHN starts toward the door. RIGHT reappears, and addresses his CHORUS.)
RIGHT
You guys...Come with me!
(RIGHT EXITS. JOHN locks the door.)
MAGGIE
What a day! Sometimes I thought we were the only normal people here!
JOHN (ACCENT)
Oui, c’est vrai...on ne jamais sait....
MAGGIE
And sometimes I wasn’t so sure about you!
-129-
III i 34
JOHN
Me?? Or Jerry the accountant her fiancé?
MAGGIE
But you knew the frog wasn’t gold.
JOHN
Hey, if Jerry wants to make himself nuts thinking there’s a gold frog floating around...
Who am I to step on someone else’s fantasy?
MAGGIE
You’re a little scary.
JOHN
I thought I could always call him off by showing him the frog wasn’t gold.
It was a game...I never thought he’d take my marbles and go home.
MAGGIE
Fantasies can be risky.
JOHN
You’ve got to trust who you’re sharing them with.
MAGGIE
Did you?
JOHN
(Looking at her with meaning)
One of them.
MAGGIE
(Seeing the look, smiling)
Who?
JOHN
Who do you think?
MAGGIE
Me?
JOHN
Right.
MAGGIE
You trusted him??
JOHN
Who??
-130-
III i 35
MAGGIE
Right!
JOHN
Are you crazy? I trusted you! I can’t believe you thought I meant him!
MAGGIE (ACCENT)
So...The Frenchman can be beaten at his own game!
JOHN (ACCENT)
(Immensely pleased)
But only by someone very special!
(Normal):
And I’m scary?? For a minute, I thought you were gonna rip Jerry’s lungs out.
You are good!
MAGGIE
Oh!...When I was at the theater, I met the director, Bobby Paulis!
He wants me to audition for a new play they’ve got coming in!
It happened!...The right place at the right time, and...
Wait a minute...Did you set that up?
JOHN (ACCENT)
The Frenchman is everywhere!
MAGGIE
Did you fix the audition too? Because if you did...
JOHN (ACCENT)
Non non! At the audition, you are on your own.
MAGGIE
Yeah...OK...Thanks.
(The phone rings. JOHN answers.)
JOHN (ACCENT)
Allo. Comment ça va?
Well, now we’ll find out if you’re a good witch or a bad witch! A gift, from...
The Frenchman!
(He hangs up.)
JOHN
It’s done.
Except for one more thing...What are you doing for dinner?
-131-
III i 36
MAGGIE
No plans.
JOHN
In that case...one final assignment.
MAGGIE
I’m not cooking you dinner! That’s a little too much like...watching a faucet drip.
JOHN
No, no...You’re to have dinner. Compliments of...
(Accent):
The Frenchman!
MAGGIE
Oh...You’re on!
(They gather their things and start to leave. She stops.)
MAGGIE
Wait a minute.
Are you always like this?
Uh...I don’t know....but I think something may be happening here...
But if you never stop, I’d like to know up front.
JOHN (ACCENT)
But I do stop!
MAGGIE
When?
(PAUSE.)
JOHN
When it’s important.
MAGGIE
Do you know when that is?
JOHN
Sure. Funerals...job interviews...and sometimes, in bed.
MAGGIE
I’m with you on two out of three! What are we eating?
-132-
III i 37
JOHN (ACCENT)
There is only one appropriate way to end such a day...We must have soft music...
candle light...the very best wine...and, to eat...
BOTH
Frogs legs!!
(They laugh...put on coats, start to leave... MAGGIE stops.)
MAGGIE
Wait a minute.
My name isn’t Maggie...It’s...Beverly. But Beverly is so...so much like “Ilise”.

I’ve always loved Maggie the Cat, from “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”, so I changed it to that.
Now I’ve told you something.
Although I can’t imagine what difference it could possibly make to you!
It’s just that I distrust someone who hides their real name.
They’re probably hiding other things too.
Oh, God. Now you’ve got me doing those! Let’s get out of here.
(They start to leave. MAGGIE stops.)
MAGGIE
Wait a minute!
JOHN (ACCENT)
A door can be so near, and yet so far.
MAGGIE
Why were you so sure the frog wasn’t gold? You researched Uncle Vito,
but that didn’t mean the frog’s not gold.
JOHN
Are you kidding?
A tiny lie earlier...before I knew how trustworthy you are...
You know how many times I’ve chipped that thing? It’s got more glue on it
than a kindergarten arts–and–craft table.
MAGGIE
So it was all a game.
JOHN
Yeah.
But it was such a great afternoon!
MAGGIE
But you can’t be sure the gold frog doesn’t exist, somewhere.
-133-
III i 38
JOHN
Maybe it does.
MAGGIE
Then maybe those people in Illinois do have it.
JOHN
Maybe they do. If it exists.
MAGGIE
Don’t you want to find out?
JOHN
Nope. I like the idea of the gold frog being a possibility...Something one thinks about
with longing, rather than possesses with certainty.
MAGGIE
Why?
JOHN
Because that way...It’s the stuff dreams are made of!
(Arms around each other, THEY EXIT.)
(LIGHTS SLOWLY DOWN, until the frog is lit by a lone spot....)
END.
-134-

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Maltese Frenchman - Car Pepper

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THE MALTESE FRENCHMAN

 Copyright by Cary Pepper

Member of The Dramatists Guild of America, Inc.

JOHN DeJANIS Early 30’s.

ELISE Early 30’s.

MAGGIE Late 20’s.

DANCER Early 20's.

JERRY Early 40's.

JIM RIGHT Late 20's--Early 30's.

The LIVING ROOM of JOHN DeJANIS

NEW YORK CITY. The morning of Jan. 21, 1980.

(JOHN hangs up, then dials again.)

(He hangs up, dials again)

This is The Frenchman...You are being watched.

Bon jour! I am pleased you are so....

(But this is not who he was expecting.)

Ilise, what do you want?

So, what have you been doing with yourself?

(JOHN takes a breath, then, with great effort, speaks quietly.)

(She turns to the fireplace)

That’s supposed to be right there! What’d you do with it?

(The doorbell rings.)

(She stops...Very Dramatic Pause.)

(John waits for more.)

(DANCER realizes ILISE is in the room.)

(He imitates the Sneer.)

So, now that we’ve had our laugh...

(She starts for the door.)

(He tosses the note on the desk.)

(The doorbell rings.)

(JOHN answers the door, less flamboyant because of ILISE’S presence.)

(He guides the man to the door)

(He ushers the MAN out.)

(JOHN closes the door.)

(He goes to the desk, picks up the phone, and dials.)

Why are you talking with that stupid accent?

(He hangs up.)

(He guides her toward the door.)

(But he’s lost the accent.)

(In the doorway stands MAGGIE.)

(Makes a shooting gesture)

(She starts toward the door. JOHN steps in her path.)

(He goes to the desk, picks up folder, and hands it to her.)

(He makes a pie-throwing gesture)

(JOHN smiles. MAGGIE is perfect!)

(JOHN goes to the desk.)

JOHN’S APARTMENT. LATER.

(JOHN is on the phone.)

(JOHN steps aside. ILISE strolls in.)

(The doorbell rings. ILISE jumps up off the couch.)

(She marches into the bedroom. JOHN answers the door.)

(Ilise returns from the bedroom and stands there, listening)

I gotta go walk the dogs.

(ILISE eyes MAGGIE, then turns to JOHN.)

Nice meeting you.

(ILISE EXITS. MAGGIE ENTERS.)

“The Frenchman has spoken!”

(With a pie-throwing gesture):

(He shifts to the French accent):