Professional Documents
Culture Documents
6M Mental Health Mar10 (Secured)
6M Mental Health Mar10 (Secured)
Elizabeth J. Hall
APPENDICES
APPENDIX
A:
THE
POWER
OF
THOUGHTS..................................................................................................... 43
APPENDIX
B:
THE
MOST
EFFECTIVE
MEDICINE............................................................................................ 44
APPENDIX
C:
OVERCOMING
ANXIETY .............................................................................................................. 47
APPENDIX
D:
DIET
FOR
A
DOWNCAST
SOUL ................................................................................................. 51
APPENDIX
E:
BURIED
ALIVE ................................................................................................................................ 53
APPENDIX
F:
PROMISES
TO
BREAK .................................................................................................................. 56
APPENDIX
G:
DYSFUNCTIONAL
RELATIONSHIPS ......................................................................................... 58
APPENDIX
H:
THE
HEALING
ROLE
OF
FORGIVENESS .................................................................................. 67
APPENDIX
I:
POWER
OF
THE
WILL ................................................................................................................... 70
APPENDIX
J:
BEING
A
FRIEND
FOR
LIFE .......................................................................................................... 74
APPENDIX
K:
STAYING
CONNECTED ................................................................................................................. 75
APPENDIX
L:
CODEPENDENT
RELATIONSHIPS ............................................................................................. 80
APPENDIX
M:
COUNSELS
FROM
THE
CARPENTER
OF
NAZARETH .......................................................... 84
APPENDIX
N:
ENCOURAGING
WORDS .............................................................................................................. 86
1. He who seeks to transform humanity must himself understand humanity. (Ed. 78)
2. Happiness and health depend upon the harmonious development of the physical, mental, and
spiritual dimensions of a person. (Ed. 13)
3. The mind and the body are intimately related and affect each other.
4. Because 9 out of 10 diseases originate in the “mind,” a medical missionary must understand the
mind in order to help prevent or treat disease.
5. We became intimately bound to God when He created us and when Christ took on human nature
and died for our sins. Scripture tells us that in all our afflictions, He is afflicted. He feels every pain
we feel. By learning and internalizing principles of good mental health, we reduce our own mental
and physical suffering and thus help to alleviate some of Christ’s suffering.
What we feel and think is important. God through His prophet explains: “Even your thoughts must be
brought into subjection to the will of God and your feelings under the control of reason and religion.”
Ibid.
________________________________________________________________________________
Types of Thinking
1. Reactive thinking
• Responds to circumstances in a passive way
• Emotional, rather than logical thinking
• De-emphasizes the will (“They won’t listen,” “He makes me mad,” “There’s nothing I can
do about it”)
• Does not make choices based upon previous determined values
2. Proactive thinking
• Responds to circumstances in an active manner
• Values the will Application: Consider
• Seek actively for options or alternative ways Saul, David, Jonah, Peter,
• Makes decisions based upon previously chosen values or Judas and note how
• Accepts responsibility Ellen White describes the
3. Faith-active thinking extent to which their
• Proactive combined with a godly faith that is active in thought processes
struggling with issues in a godly manner determined their failures
• Values are based upon the Word of God or successes.
• Options are within God’s principles
• Looks for ways in which temptation can be opportunities with the perspective that God can
turn the curse into a blessing
• “They should closely investigate their lives, analyze their thoughts and motives, and see if they
have been circumspect in deportment.” (2T 46) Motives can be conscious or unconscious.
Purposes are conscious goals.
• “Our thoughts and purposes are the secret spring of action and hence determine our character.”
(ST 3-09-82, “The Light of the World,” see 4T 84-85)
Note: In dealing with our own and others’ problems, we should prayerfully consider behavior,
thoughts, and motives. (Ps. 139:24,23; Ps. 26:1-3, 5T 310 adds feelings)
Checkpoint
1. How often do I compare my thoughts to God’s revealed thoughts in His Word?
2. According to 5T 310, what is the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and character? The next
section addresses the direct relationship between thoughts and feelings. When can feelings
determine actions without the influence of thoughts (some examples: post-traumatic stress
syndrome, satanic influences)?
3. According to Jer. 6:14 and Matt. 13:19, 21 how does God feel about superficial work? Does a deep
work necessarily mean a fast work? What scriptural evidence shows that God works gradually?
4. Why is it important to approach problems in a wholistic way – dealing not only with our behavior,
but with our thoughts and feelings as well?
1. All-or-None (Either-Or)
• Characteristics
1. Everything perceived as extremes with no middle ground
2. “A person is either good or bad”
3. “I must get an A in every class or I am a failure”
4. “Because I am single, my life is a failure”
• Examples
1. Jonah – “Ninevites are such bad people they need to be totally destroyed.” Later – “Now
they will see me as a false prophet. (God will have to destroy them or I will be a false
prophet).” PK 271
2. Saul – “I must be the most popular man or I won’t stay as king.”
3. Satan (to Jesus in the wilderness) – “Surely God wouldn’t treat His Son like you are being
treated.”
4. Child – “Mommy doesn’t love me or she wouldn’t spank me”
• Dangers
1. Nullifies God’s grace and graciousness in our own lives and the lives of others
2. Discounts the fact that people can learn from their mistakes
3. Promotes impatience and intolerance
4. Can cause us to lose sight of the fact that God has the ability to transform any curse into a
blessing
2. Awfulizing
• Characteristics
1. Seeing things in the worst possible light
2. Magnifying troubles and errors, and minimizing blessings and successes (see 2MCP 260
for an example and remedial treatment)
• “There are imperfections in human nature, and if one chooses the work of
magnifying little things and becoming irritated over the faults of others, he will
always find occasion. Until we cease to demand in others perfection which we do
not posses ourselves, we shall find time to do little else than dwell upon mistakes
and disagreeable things.” ST 1892-03-21.003
• Examples
1. “I made that mistake! I’ll lose my job, for sure!”
2. Children of Israel – When brought out of Egypt and faced difficulties they accused God of
bringing them to the desert to die
• Dangers
1. Ignores or mitigates God’s past and current blessings to us
2. Makes problems seem insurmountable
3. Leads to more reactive, passive thinking
• Focusing on the negative parts of life and filtering out the positive
1. “We need not keep our own record of trails and difficulties, grieves, and sorrows. All these
things are written in the books, and heaven will take care of them. While we are counting
up disagreeable things, many things that are pleasant to reflect upon are passing from
memory.” MH 487
2. “We need to beware of self-pity. Never indulge the feeling that you are not esteemed as
you should be, that your efforts are not appreciated, that your work is too difficult.” MH
476; Ps. 44: 23, 24; SC 119-121
3. “If we keep uppermost in our minds the unkind and unjust acts of others we shall find it
impossible to love them as Christ has loved us.” SC 121
• (Note she doesn't say we should be “unaware,” but rather we should see events
through the perspective of love and power of God. To be totally unaware of life’s
negatives and risks is another type of selective filtering. Infatuation often happens
when one can only see the good, charming side of an individual without seeing
his/her deficiencies and limitations.)
4. Mind-Reading
• Believing you know what the other person is thinking or that you can predict the future – fortune-
telling (reading others’ motives is another unhealthy form of mind-reading)
1. “She didn't smile at me today. She must be mad at me.” (In reality, she was only pre-
occupied.)
2. “They won’t listen.”
3. “I’m going to fail this exam.” (Even if the person studied.)
• Examples
1. King Saul – “David will overthrow me now that he is so popular.”
2. Jonah – “The people of Nineveh will think of me as a false prophet.”
5. Personalization
• Accepting the blame for some negative event involving others – internalizing what other people
think of us
1. “My dad didn’t care, I must have not been worth anything.”
2. “My family would have been well-adjusted if it weren’t for me.”
• Failing to accept other people’s limitations as only imitations and interpreting them as personal
rejections is a leading cause of stress
• Examples
1. Samuel – “They don’t like me because they’re asking for a king.”
• Rebuttals
1. We are to accept God’s evaluations and values of us
2. DA 668 describes how God wanted us or else He would not have sent His Son on such an
expensive errand to redeem us
6. Comparisons
• “They that compare themselves among themselves are not wise.” 2 Cor. 10:12, Jude 22
• Rebuttals
1. God does not judge by appearances
2. He also judges motives and attitudes, which we cannot
3. God judges a person according to the opportunities they have
7. Overgeneralization
• Assuming bad events will happen over and over or that things are always a certain way
1. “It happened to me once. My first husband was unfaithful. I must keep my present husband
from being unfaithful. I will never oppose him.”
2. “Nobody loves me.”
3. “I can't afford to make a mistake.”
4. “You always trip me up!”
• What can be said of a man at one time cannot be said of him at another time. (See 3T 470)
• Generalization: Going from specific events to general applications
1. “Sally and Jane don’t like me. Nobody likes me. This is the story of my whole life.”
• Rebuttal:
1. Whose prophecy do you accept: God’s or your own? Paul accepted God’s prophecy when
he said, “Being confident of this very thing, He which has begun a good work in you will
complete it” (Phil. 1:6). If we accept God’s wisdom and strength He offers us, this promise
cannot fail.
• Characteristics
1. Setting arbitrary requirements (which can be for others or ourselves) without considering
consequences
• Example: Disciples wanting to call down fire because others didn’t work miracles
in their style
2. Making ourselves criterion for right and wrong
• Rebuttals
1. “The other members of my family do not eat the same things that I do. I do not hold myself
up as a criterion for them. I leave each one to follow his own ideas to what is best for him.
I bind no one else’s conscience by my own. One man cannot be a criterion for another in
the matter of eating. It is impossible to make one rule for all to follow.” CDF 491
2. “In matters of the conscience the soul must be left untrammeled. No one is to control
another's mind, to judge for another, or to prescribe his duty. God gives to every soul
freedom to think, and to follow his own convictions…No one has a right to merge his own
individuality in that of another.” DA 550
3. “Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.” Rom. 14:5
• Dangers
1. Should thinking also involves unrealistic thinking about what we should accomplish,
irrespective of limitations. We can do this to ourselves or to others.
2. When we do this to ourselves we eventually become burned out, angry, guilty, or
frustrated.
3. When we do this to others, we often become judgmental and hold them in contempt and
our relationships are damaged.
• “It is not God’s purpose that any human being should yield his mind and will to the control of
another, becoming a passive instrument in his hands. No one is to merge his individuality in that of
another. He is not to look to any human being as the source of healing. His dependence must be in
God. In the dignity of his God-given manhood he is to be controlled by God Himself, not by any
human intelligence.” MH 242
• “The iron will changes not, because it would be too humiliating to acknowledge one’s self in
error.”
• Characteristics
1. Categorizing people based on limited exposure
• “The whole nation is rotten.”
• “Our sacred faith does not consist either in feeling or in action merely, but the two must be
combined in the Christian life.” 4T 372
• “Therefore in our labors and gifts for God's cause, it is unsafe to be controlled by feeling or
impulse.” CS 25
• “If you form too high an opinion of yourself, you will think that your labors are of more real
consequence than they are, and you will plead individual independence which borders on
arrogance. If you go to the other extreme and form too low an opinion of yourself, you will feel
inferior and will leave an impression of inferiority which will greatly limit the influence that you
might have for good. You should avoid either extreme. Feelings should not control you;
circumstances should not affect you. You may form a correct estimate of yourself, one which will
prove a safeguard from both extremes. You may be dignified without vain self-confidence; you
may be condescending and yielding without sacrificing self-respect or individual independence,
and your life may be of great influence with those in the higher as well as the lower walks of life.”
3T 506
13. Rationalization
• Rebuttal
1. The whole person with all their aspects is important (i.e. motives)
15. Intellectualization
• Characteristics
1. When confronted with pain, making a philosophy regarding pain instead of feeling pain
and being comforted
2. Common when unable to trust others or God with emotions
• Dangers
1. Leads to suppressed emotions
2. Contributes to personal dishonesty about true feelings (example: women at the well in John
4 – see comments in DA)
Christians can have false assumptions, too. These are based upon an incomplete understanding of all the
principles of God. They may have some truth at times but are incomplete and can work havoc in our
lives.
1. “It is selfish to have my needs met. Others should always come first.”
• Phil. 2:4, Gal. 6:2, 5
• “Self-development is our first duty to God and man.” CDF 14
• “Unselfishness underlies true development.” CT
2. “If I'm spiritual enough, I will have no pain. All pain is a result of my sinfulness.”
• Pain should be avoided at all cost
3. “If I change my behavior, I will grow emotionally and spiritually.”
• This ignores that God wants us to “be” not merely perform. (5T 310; Mt. 23:25, 26; Phil.
2:3)
• It discounts the place motives, thoughts, and feelings have in our character – however, as
we said in our first lesson, behavior influences the brain and mind
4. “I just need to give it to the Lord.”
• De-emphasizes repentance, accountability, and efforts in searching for the answers (Prov.
2:4)
5. “Just leave the past behind. Don't think about it.”
• See previous section
• Phil. 3:3-14 – Paul leaving behind his old, legalistic way of trying to require righteousness
6. “If I have God, I don't need people.”
• 2 Cor. 1:3-11; Phil. 2:25-30; Acts 28:15; Eccl. 4:9-10; 1 Cor. 12; 2 Cor. 2:7
• We should not dictate how God will work – many times He works through people
• The Bible admonishes, “Be subject to one another.”
7. “If I make the right choices, I will grow spiritually.”
• Right choices are essential to spiritual growth, but motives and intents are equally as
important (Matt. 7:18; Matt. 12:33)
8. “Just do the right thing.”
• Our doing comes from our being
• “The essence of all righteousness is our loyalty to our Redeemer”
• The gospel of John emphasizes relationships
• Matt. 7:16-27 describes the dynamics of relationships
Conformity/Approval Beliefs
• Certain conformity, without surrendering principle, is necessary and good and promotes unity of
effort and goals. There is, on this side of heaven, a necessary conflict with good and evil. There are
also many unnecessary conflicts. Ellen White says that if pride and selfishness were laid aside,
most difficulties could be solved within five minutes. Persons with conformity/approval issues
see all conflict as evil and seek for approval until avoidance of conflict becomes a god, ruling
the motives.
• Dangers
1. Conformity beliefs are the basis for dependent behaviors, conforming behaviors, and
ungodly compromise. They degrade godly religion and counterfeit our genuine
dependence upon God.
2. It is difficult to do right and to hold on to godly principles if we are afraid of others’
opinions.
3. Conflicts call into question our beliefs and prompt us to reassess, refine, and affirm them.
If we had no conflicts, would we do this?
• Biblical references
1. Aaron, the woman at the well, and Peter each showed, at times, ungodly conformity
(Galatians 2)
2. Romans 12:2,4; 14:7; Phil. 2:1,2
• Rebuttals
1. Example: One or two classmates don’t seem to like you. They rebuff you. You feel and
think, “No one likes me.” Of course, that is generalization and selective filtering.
• Generalization – Taking two people’s evaluation and perceiving it as a general
attitude toward you
• Selective filtering – Focusing on the negatives and not the positives (those who do
like you)
• Core belief – “I must have the approval of everyone I know” underlies this
extremist thinking (conformity/approval core belief)
2. Alternatives
• “Approval is nice, but not essential.”
12 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org
• “Some people love me even when they don’t approve of my views.”
• “It is unrealistic to expect everyone’s approval – many of the godly men in the
Bible experienced persecution.”
• “God loves me whether or not I have approval from others – an eternal acceptance
comes from Him.”
• “Even when we do our best, we shall have collisions (see 4T 555) – men of might
and power in this work have been baffled, opposed, and thwarted (3T 494),
therefore, I should expect some obstacles.”
• “All the previous alternative statements are correct, but God, I want you to show
me if I have done anything to offend these people – do You want me to approach
them about it or leave it alone?”
• “God, why is their approval so important to me that it occupies my time and my
mind – do I make approval an unconscious god to comfort me?”
• Thought questions:
1. How is conformity different from cooperation?
2. Does cooperation include some conformity?
3. When can conciliatory actions counterfeit true peace making?
4. Can we be conciliatory just to avoid pain?
5. What light does the Biblical principle “…submit yourselves one to another…” have upon
healthy and unhealthy conformity?
6. What is the difference between healthy and unhealthy submission?
7. What are some “advantages” of conformity core beliefs?
________________________________________________________________________________
Performance/Compulsivity Beliefs
• Performance is important. As Christians we want to do all to the glory of God, because we love
Him. This type of core belief, however, centers around earning approval and does not tolerate
mistakes well.
1. Engages in unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others
2. Discounts the fact that people can learn from their mistakes
3. Can result in rigid thinking, anxiety, eating disorders, or addictive behaviors, placing
unrealistic demands on self and others
Unrealistic demands can lead to unhealthy defense mechanisms, pseudo-guilt, and anger. These
individuals have trouble accepting love and grace and extending them to others. They can become
impatient, legalistic, and arbitrary. Notice how these core beliefs discount God’s graciousness. In our
pride, we refuse to acknowledge our dependence on Him and our interdependence on others. Many
times, individuals with these core beliefs, become more interested in achievement than people.
Performance-oriented individuals struggle with competitiveness and legalism. Sometimes individuals
with this type of thinking (perfectionist) become afraid and unwilling to risk the mistakes necessary
to try new things and make a contribution. It makes them critical of themselves and it is difficult for
them to relax. They become disillusioned quickly.
• Performance-oriented thinking
1. “I should be competent at all times.”
2. “She is soooooo slow!”
3. You make a mistake. You yell “stupid” at yourself or someone else yells “stupid” at you
(or would like to).
4. Love must be earned with unusual accomplishments.
• Biblical references
1. Paul before his conversion (see Phil. 3:3-6)
2. Pharisees
3. Nebuchadnezzar (see Daniel 4)
4. 1 Chronicles 16:34; Psalm 103:2-4, 8-13; Matthew 20:1-16; Luke 14:21; Zephaniah
3:19,20; 2 Corinthians 12:9; Titus 3
• Thought questions
1. Are there any real or false advantages to this type of thinking? What is the difference
between perfectionism and the perfection that Jesus extends to us? If I have this type of
performance-oriented thinking, what would be my attitude toward others and how would it
reflect back on me?
2. Would I, by engaging in this type of thinking, be making the things of my Father's house a
marketplace (see John 2:16)? In other words, do I say that the grace of God is for those
only who succeed? When Jesus said, “I am come to seek and save the lost,” He was saying
He was going to seek and save the “ruined” (original language).
3. How is the Christian's pursuit of excellence different from this type of thinking?
________________________________________________________________________________
• This kind of control thinking is ungodly because it doesn't respect God’s ability to rule and
overrule in our own lives and the lives of others. Controlling people often doesn’t respect the
ability of others to make choices. Controllers tend to use force, threats, and manipulation when
dealing with others. Imperative people can be smooth. They are not always rough. Some Biblical
examples include Pharaoh, King Saul, and the Pharisees.
• Bible references
1. Jeremiah 18; Romans 8:32; Psalm 33:10,11; Proverbs 12;1
2. Isaiah 8:10; Isaiah 43:13; Isaiah 45:25,26
• Thought questions
1. What real or false advantages does a person have when in a control core-belief?
2. When a person acts from a control core-belief, what would be some results?
3. What do the above Scriptures teach us about control?
• Think-It-Through
1. Choose one core belief and find specific Biblical passages (not mentioned in class) where a
core belief was reflected in a person's behavior. How did it affect him or her? What were
the results? How did God intervene? Did the person realize his mistake in thinking?
Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 15
Note: This assignment will help you help yourself and another person overcome a faulty
core belief. Of course, a person could have more than one. These core beliefs are at the
heart of our carnal nature and were not planted there by God. Jesus promises that every
plant which He did not plant, He will uproot (see Matthew 15:13).
________________________________________________________________________________
References
Introduction
“In reviewing our past history, having traveled over every step of advance to our present standing, I can
say, Praise God! As I see what God has wrought, I am filled with astonishment, and with confidence in
Christ as leader. We have nothing to fear for the future, except as we shall forget the way the Lord has
led us, and His teaching in our past history.” CET 204
1. The past shapes the present and the present shapes our future.
• “The lessons that the child learns during the first seven years of life have more to do with
forming his character than all that it learns in future years.” CG 193
• “The first lessons impressed upon the child are seldom forgotten. . . The impressions made
on the heart early in life are seen in after years. They may be buried, but they will seldom
be obliterated.” CG 193-4
2. Learn from it – see how God can bring victory out of defeat.
• “Life is like a voyage. We have storm and sunshine, but we bear in mind that we are
nearing the desired haven. We shall soon be beyond the storms and tempests. Our present
duty is to hearken to the voice that says, ‘Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart’
(Matt. 11:29). We must accept this invitation daily. The past is contained in the book
where all things are written down. We cannot blot out the record, but we can learn many
things if we choose. The past should teach us its lessons. As we make the past our monitor,
we may also make it our friend. As we call to mind that in the past which has been
disagreeable, let it teach us not to repeat it. In the future let nothing be traced which will
cause regret in the by-and-by. We may now avoid a bad showing. Every day we live we
are making our history. Today is ours, yesterday is beyond our amendment or control.
Then let us not grieve the Spirit of God today, for tomorrow we shall not be able to recall
this day; it will be yesterday to us.” TMK 89
• “Jesus Christ has plentiful help and grace for all who will appreciate it. The Lord is our
helper; with Him is forgiveness. He alone can blot out the sins of the past. He can
strengthen the mind. If we regard the past as no longer our enemy but as a friend to warn
us of the ground we should not approach, it will prove a true friend.” TMK 89
Principles
• “So far as possible, every child should be trained to self-reliance. By calling into exercise the
various faculties, he will learn where he is strongest, and in what he is deficient.” CG 39
• “Among the first things to be aimed at should be a correct position, both in sitting and in standing.
God made man upright, and He desires him to possess not only the physical but the mental and
moral benefit, the grace and dignity and self-possession, the courage and self-reliance, which an
erect bearing so greatly tends to promote. Let the teacher give instruction on this point by example
and by precept. Show what a correct position is, and insist that it shall be maintained.” Ed 198
• “They have not been trained to habits of self-denial and self-reliance as their safeguards in life.
Here is the great sin resting upon parents. They do not discipline their children and do not train
them up for God. They do not teach them self-government, stability of character, and the necessity
of a resolute, well-directed will. Most children, in this age, are left to come up. They are not taught
the necessity of developing their physical and mental powers for some good purpose, to bless
society with their influence, to be well qualified to adorn the Christian life, and to perfect holiness
in the fear of God.” 2T 647
• Men of power are those who have been opposed, baffled, and thwarted. By calling their energies
into action, the obstacles they meet prove to them positive blessings. They gain self-reliance.
Conflict and perplexity call for the exercise of trust in God and for that firmness which develops
power.” MH 500
• “Many become inefficient by evading responsibilities for fear of failure. Thus they fail of gaining
that education which results from experience, and which reading and study and all the advantages
otherwise gained cannot give them.” MH 500
• “Let the self-distrustful, whose lack of self-reliance leads them to shrink from care and
responsibility, be taught reliance upon God. Thus many a one who otherwise would be but a cipher
in the world, perhaps only a helpless burden, will be able to say with the apostle Paul, ‘I can do all
things through Christ which strengtheneth me,’ Philippians 4:13.” Ed 256
• “Nothing can give you such power, such true self-reliance and nobility of soul, as a sense of the
dignity of your work, an assurance that you are co-laborers with God in doing good and saving
souls.” 4T 615
• “Some with whom you are brought in contact may be rough and uncourteous, but do not, because
of this, be less courteous yourself. He who wishes to preserve his own self-respect must be careful
not to wound needlessly the self-respect of others. This rule should be sacredly observed toward
the dullest, the most blundering. What God intends to do with these apparently unpromising ones,
you do not know. He has in the past accepted persons no more promising or attractive to do a great
work for Him. His Spirit, moving upon the heart, has roused every faculty to vigorous action. The
Lord saw in these rough, unhewn stones precious material, which would stand the test of storm and
heat and pressure. God does not see as man sees. He does not judge from appearances, but searches
the heart and judges righteously.” GW 123
• “It should not be difficult to remember that the Lord desires you to lay your troubles and
perplexities at His feet, and leave them there. Go to Him, saying: ‘Lord, my burdens are too heavy
for me to carry. Wilt Thou bear them for me?’ And He will answer: ‘I will take them. “With
everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee.” I will take your sins, and will give you peace.
Banish no longer your self-respect; for I have bought you with the price of My own blood. You are
Mine. Your weakened will I will strengthen. Your remorse for sin I will remove.’” TM 519
• “Moral purity, self-respect, a strong power of resistance, must be firmly and constantly cherished.
There should not be one departure from reserve. One act of familiarity, one indiscretion, may
jeopardize the soul, by opening the door to temptation and thus weakening the power of
resistance.” CH 295
Self-Control
• “You should control yourself. Never correct your children while impatient or fretful, or while
under the influence of passion. Punish them in love, manifesting the unwillingness you feel to
cause them pain. Never raise your hand to give them a blow unless you can with a clear conscience
bow before God and ask His blessing upon the correction you are about to give. Encourage love in
the hearts of your children. Present before them high and correct motives for self-restraint. Do not
give them the impression that they must submit to control because it is your arbitrary will; because
they are weak, and you are strong; because you are the father, they the children. If you wish to ruin
your family, continue to govern by brute force, and you will surely succeed.” 2T 259
• “Those who are close students of the Word, following Christ in humility of soul, will not go to
extremes. The Savior never went to extremes, never lost self-control, never violated the laws of
good taste. He knew when to speak and when to keep silent. He was always self-possessed. He
never erred in His judgment of men or of truth. He was never deceived by appearances. He never
raised a question that was not clearly appropriate, never gave an answer that was not right to the
point. He silenced the voice of the caviling priests by penetrating beneath the surface and reaching
the heart, flashing light into the mind and awakening the conscience.” GW 317
• “We must let Christ into our hearts and homes if we would walk in the light. Home should be made
all that the word implies. It should be a little heaven upon earth, a place where the affections are
cultivated instead of being studiously repressed. Our happiness depends upon this cultivation of
love, sympathy, and true courtesy to one another. The reason there are so many hardhearted men
and women in our world is that true affection has been regarded as weakness and has been
discouraged and repressed. The better part of the nature of persons of this class was perverted and
dwarfed in childhood, and unless rays of divine light can melt away their coldness and hardhearted
selfishness, the happiness of such is buried forever. If we would have tender hearts, such as Jesus
had when He was upon the earth, and sanctified sympathy, such as the angels have for sinful
mortals, we must cultivate the sympathies of childhood, which are simplicity itself. Then we shall
be refined, elevated, and directed by heavenly principles.” 3T 539
________________________________________________________________________________
Self-Forgetfulness
• “Many long intensely for friendly sympathy. God has given each of us an identity of our own,
which cannot be merged in that of another; but our individual characteristics will be much less
prominent if we are indeed Christ’s and His will is ours. Our lives should be consecrated to the
good and happiness of others, as was our Savior’s. We should be self-forgetful, ever looking out
for opportunities, even in little things, to show gratitude for the favors we have received of others,
and watching for opportunities to cheer others and lighten and relieve their sorrows and burdens by
• “There are rights that belong to every individual. We have an individuality and an identity that is
our own. No one can submerge his identity in that of any other. All must act for themselves,
according to the dictates of their own conscience. As regards our responsibility and influence, we
are amenable to God as deriving our life from Him. This we do not obtain from humanity, but from
God only. We are His by creation and by redemption. Our very bodies are not our own, to treat as
we please, to cripple by habits that lead to decay, making it impossible to render to God perfect
service. Our lives and all our faculties belong to Him. He is caring for us every moment; He keeps
the living machinery in action; if we were left to run it for one moment, we should die. We are
absolutely dependent upon God.” CD 56
• “Why are many of us so weak and inefficient? It is because we look to self, studying our own
temperaments and wondering how we can make a place for ourselves, our individuality, and our
peculiarities, in the place of studying Christ and His character.” 9T 187
• “None should consent to be mere machines, run by another man's mind. God has given us ability,
to think and to act, and it is by acting with carefulness, looking to Him for wisdom that you will
become capable of bearing burdens. Stand in your God-given personality. Be no other person's
shadow. Expect that the Lord will work in and by and through you.” MH 498
• “Jesus, Friend of Sinners. I would call your attention to the precious promises in the Word of God.
Not all who are children of God have the same powers, the same temperaments, the same
confidence and boldness. I am glad indeed that our feelings are no evidence that we are not
children of God. The enemy will tempt you to think that you have done things that have separated
you from God and that He no longer loves you, but our Lord loves us still, and we may know by
the words He has placed on record for just such as yours. ‘If any man sin, we have an advocate
with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous’ (1 John 2:1). ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and
just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness’ (1 John 1:9).” TSB 257
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Rights
Choice
• “In Christ is vested the ownership of every man. Man should not be another man’s property. God
has bought mankind. One man’s mind, one man’s power, should not rule and control another’s
conscience. In the sight of God wealth and position do not exalt one man above another. Men are
free to choose the service of God, to love the Lord, and to keep all His commandments.” MS 126,
1901 (1BC 1106)
• “Without freedom of choice, his obedience would not have been voluntary, but forced. There could
have been no development of character. Such a course would have been contrary to God’s plan in
dealing with the inhabitants of other worlds. It would have been unworthy of man as an intelligent
being, and would have sustained Satan's charge of God’s arbitrary rule.” PP 49
• “God does not compel men to give up their unbelief. Before them are light and darkness, truth and
error. It is for them to decide which they will accept. The human mind is endowed with power to
discriminate between right and wrong. God designs that men shall not decide from impulse.” DA
458
Causes of Anger
1. Righteous indignation
• “It is true there is an indignation that is justifiable, even in the followers of Christ. When
they see that God is dishonored, and His service brought into disrepute, when they see the
innocent oppressed, a righteous indignation stirs the soul. Such anger, born of sensitive
morals, is not a sin. But those who at any supposed provocation feel at liberty to indulge
anger or resentment are opening the heart to Satan. Bitterness and animosity must be
banished from the soul if we would be in harmony with heaven.” DA 310
• “It is a righteous indignation against sin, which springs from zeal for the glory of God, not
that anger prompted by self-love or wounded ambition, which is referred to in the
scripture, ‘Be ye angry, and sin not.’ Such was the anger of Moses.” TM 100
2. Carnal attitudes
3. Unmet needs (boredom, injustice, insecurity, envy, poor health habits, sickness, humiliation,
embarrassment, failures, rejection, insufficient privacy or space, frustrations, physical limitations, a
sense of hopelessness)
4. Misinterpretations and faulty thinking patterns (i.e. “When I’m angry, I become quiet – so when
you are quiet, you must be angry too”)
5. Unrealistic expectations
6. Rejection of God’s teaching
________________________________________________________________________________
Physiology of Anger
1. “But anger was cherished; for the time being, reason was dethroned and the heart was made a prey
to ungovernable passion.” 4T 431
2. “The influence of the mind on the body, as well as of the body on the mind, should be emphasized.
The electric power of the brain, promoted by mental activity, vitalizes the whole system, and is
thus an invaluable aid in resisting disease. This should be made plain. The power of the will and
the importance of self-control, both in the preservation and in the recovery of health, the depressing
and even ruinous effect of anger, discontent, selfishness, or impurity, and, on the other hand, the
marvelous life-giving power to be found in cheerfulness, unselfishness, gratitude, should also be
shown.” Ed 197
3. “When one once gives place to an angry spirit he is just as much intoxicated as the man who has
put the glass to his lips.” OHC 235
4. Anger compromises frontal lobe ability
• “The man who gives way to folly in speaking passionate words, bears false witness; for he
is never just. He exaggerates every defect he thinks he sees; he is too blind and
unreasonable to be convinced of his madness. He transgresses the commandments of God,
3. Passive aggression
• Anger is vented in subtle ways – gossip, forget what they promised,
refuse to cooperate, make “put downs”
1. When frustrated become silent, knowing it bothers other
people
2. Prone to sulk and pout or complain about people behind their
backs
3. When don’t want to do a project will procrastinate
4. Displaced anger
• Aggressive anger aimed at somebody who is innocent
28 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org
5. Suppressed anger
• Characteristics
1. Very image conscious – don’t like to let others know problems
2. Even when feel very flustered, portray themselves publicly as having it all
together
3. Reserved about sharing problems
4. If a family member upsets them, can let days pass without even mentioning it
5. Have a tendency to be depressed and moody
6. Resentful thinking is common
7. Does not eliminate anger – accrues and reduces immune function
• Causes
1. Why do people have suppressed anger?
2. Have been taught their feelings and emotions are invalid
3. Sometimes feel morally superior
4. Can have an overall need for approval from respectable people
5. Fear retaliation
________________________________________________________________________________
Christian Assertiveness
“You have needs that are important. I also have needs that are equally important.” Christian assertiveness
recognizes that everyone has needs and these needs are important. It includes prayerfully choosing our
priorities and values and putting forth efforts to meet our needs in a godly way, being considerate of and
respecting others’ needs and desires as well. It is unselfish in that we need to recharge our batteries, so as
to give to others. We do not engage in meeting our needs in such a selfish way that we do not reach out
to others.
Facing anger in a Christian way means that I recognize it as such. I am willing to explore any issue of
personal fear or sense of inferiority that underlies the anger. I confess it to Jesus and seek to honestly deal
with the anger in a responsible way including appropriate communication and forgiveness.
________________________________________________________________________________
What is Forgiveness?
4. Address any fear underlying the anger (anger is a close ally to fear)
5. One key step in overcoming bitterness is to reject the value the offender placed upon us at the time
of injury
6. Consciously reject the negative value that the abuser or indifferent parent has placed on our lives
and replace it with God’s love – speeds forgiving and healing
7. The cross of Calvary, because it reveals God’s love and our wickedness, gives us perspective,
humility, and momentum as we struggle sometimes to forgive the perpetrator
Personhood
• “Our first duty toward God and our fellow beings is that of self-development.” CDF 15
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Self-Respect
• How it is preserved
1. “Some with whom you are brought in contact may be rough and uncourteous, but do not,
because of this, be less courteous yourself. He who wishes to preserve his own self-respect
must be careful not to wound needlessly the self-respect of others. This rule should be
sacredly observed toward the dullest, the most blundering. What God intends to do with
these apparently unpromising ones, you do not know. He has in the past accepted persons
no more promising or attractive to do a great work for Him. His Spirit, moving upon the
heart, has roused every faculty to vigorous action. The Lord saw in these rough, unhewn
stones precious material, which would stand the test of storm and heat and pressure. God
does not see as man sees. He does not judge from appearances, but searches the heart and
judges righteously.” GW 122,123 (1MCP 255)
2. “Moral purity, self-respect, a strong power of resistance must be firmly and constantly
cherished. There should not be one departure from reserve. One act of familiarity, one
indiscretion, may jeopardize the soul by opening the door to temptation and thus
weakening the power of resistance.” 1MCP 256
3. “Never forfeit your self-respect by hasty, thoughtless words. See that your words are pure,
your conversation holy. Give your children an example of that which you wish them to be.
. . . Let there be peace, pleasant words, and cheerful countenances.” Lt 28, 1890 (CG 219)
4. “Those who are endeavoring to reform should be provided with employment. None who
are able to labor should be taught to expect food and clothing and shelter free of
cost. For their own sake, as well as for the sake of others, some way should be devised
whereby they may return an equivalent for what they receive. Encourage every effort
toward self-support. This will strengthen self-respect and a noble independence. And
occupation of mind and body in useful work is essential as a safeguard against temptation.”
MH 177 (1MCP 258)
5. “The sense of being owners of their own homes would inspire them [the poor] with a
strong desire for improvement. They would soon acquire skill in planning and devising for
themselves; their children would be educated to habits of industry and
economy, and the intellect would be greatly strengthened. They would feel that they are
men, not slaves, and would be able to regain to a great degree their lost self-respect and
moral independence.” HS 165, 166 (AH 373)
6. “It should not be difficult to remember that the Lord desires you to lay your troubles and
perplexities at His feet, and leave them there. Go to Him, saying, ‘Lord, my burdens are
too heavy for me to carry. Wilt Thou bear them for me?’ And He will answer, ‘I will take
them. “With everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee.” I will take your sins and will
give you peace. Banish no longer your self-respect; for I have bought you with the price of
My own blood. You are Mine. Your weakened will I will strengthen. Your remorse for sin
I will remove.’” Lt 2, 1914 (TM 519, 520)
1. “Through indulgence in sin, self-respect is destroyed; and when that is gone, respect for
others is lessened; we think that others are as unrighteous as we are ourselves.” 6T 53
2. “By wrong habits he loses his power of self-appreciation. He loses self-control. He cannot
reason correctly about matters that concern him most closely. He is reckless and irrational
in his treatment of mind and body. By wrong habits he makes of himself a wreck.
Happiness he cannot have, for his neglect to cultivate pure, healthful principles places him
under the control of habits that ruin his peace. His years of taxing study are lost, for he has
destroyed himself. He has misused his physical and mental powers, and the temple of the
body is in ruins. He is ruined for this life and for the life to come. By acquiring earthly
knowledge he thought to gain a treasure, but by laying his Bible aside he sacrificed a
treasure worth everything else.” COL 108, 109 (1MCP 257)
3. “Those who indulge in such language [impatient words] will experience shame, loss of
self-respect, loss of self-confidence, and will have bitter remorse and regret that they
allowed themselves to lose self-control and speak in this way. How much better would it
be if words of this character were never spoken. How much better to have the oil of grace
in the heart, to be able to pass by all provocation, and bear all things with Christlike
meekness and forbearance.” RH, Feb 27, 1913 (MYP 327)
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Self-Reliance
• “Let the self-distrustful, whose lack of self-reliance leads them to shrink from care and
responsibility, be taught reliance upon God. Thus many a one who otherwise would be but a cipher
in the world, perhaps only a helpless burden, will be able to say with the apostle Paul, ‘I can do all
things through Christ which strengtheneth me’ (Phil. 4:13).” CC 367
• “So far as possible, every child should be trained to self-reliance. By calling into exercise the
various faculties, he will learn where he is strongest, and in what he is deficient. A wise instructor
will give special attention to the development of the weaker traits, that the child may form a well-
balanced, harmonious character.” CG 39
• “The highest duty that devolves upon youth is in their own homes, blessing father and mother,
brothers and sisters, by affection and true interest. Here they can show self-denial and self-
forgetfulness in caring and doing for others. Never will woman be degraded by this work. It is the
most sacred, elevated office that she can fill. What an influence a sister may have over brothers! If
she is right, she may determine the character of her brothers. Her prayers, her gentleness, and her
affection may do much in a household. My sister, these noble qualities can never be communicated
to other minds unless they first exist in your own. That contentment of mind, that affection,
gentleness, and sunniness of temper which will reach every heart, will reflect upon you what your
heart gives forth to others. If Christ does not reign in the heart, there will be discontent and moral
deformity. Selfishness will require of others that which we are unwilling to give them.” MYP 326
Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 37
• “It is not a great work and great battles alone which try the soul and demand courage. Everyday life
brings its perplexities, trials, and discouragements. It is the humble work which frequently draws
upon the patience and the fortitude. Self-reliance and resolution will be necessary to meet and
conquer all difficulties. Secure the Lord to stand with you, in every place to be your consolation
and comfort.” 3T 80,81 (MYP 326)
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Dangers of Self
• “Great self-sufficiency was manifested by Peter when he confidently declared, ‘Though I should
die with thee, yet will I not deny thee.’ Peter supposed himself to be strong, but when the test came
he discovered that he was weakness itself. He had been with Jesus and had often obtained His help,
but past grace does not avail for present needs. Daily, hourly, we must have divine strength
imparted to us. We must trust at all times in Christ, dwell upon His words till we long to realize
their fulfillment in our own case. The reason that more power does not attend the proclamation of
the truth for this time, is that there is too much reliance placed upon the ability of man, too much
trust in the talent and tact of the workers, and not enough reliance upon the arm of Infinite Power.
The gospel of truth is not preached in demonstration of the Spirit and in the power of God. Self is
ready to take the credit if any measure of success attends the work, self is flattered, self is exalted,
and the impression is not made upon minds that God is all and in all.” ST, April 7, 1890 par. 2
• “The New Testament was not then written, therefore there was need of the greatest caution, that the
teachings of Christ might be imparted without adulteration. What a responsibility rests upon the
chosen men of God for this time; for they, too, are to train up others to succeed them in the
ministry, and they are also to see to it that self does not mingle with their work.” ST, April 7, 1890
par. 5
• “Satan beguiles men as now he beguiled Eve in Eden, by flattery, by kindling a desire to obtain
forbidden knowledge, by exciting ambition for self-exaltation. It was cherishing these evils that
caused his fall, and through them he aims to compass the ruin of men. ‘Ye shall be as gods,’ he
declares, ‘knowing good and evil’ (Genesis 3:5). Spiritualism teaches ‘that man is the creature of
progression; that it is his destiny from his birth to progress, even to eternity, toward the Godhead,’
And again: ‘Each mind will judge itself and not another.’ ‘The judgment will be right, because it is
the judgment of self.... The throne is within you.’ Said a Spiritualistic teacher, as the ‘spiritual
consciousness’ awoke within him, ‘My fellowmen, all were unfallen demigods.’ And another
declares, ‘Any just and perfect being is Christ.’ 2MCP 722
• “How vain is the help of man when Satan’s power is exercised over a human being who has
become self-exalted and who knows not that he is partaking of the science of Satan. In his self-
confidence he walks right into the enemy’s trap and is ensnared. He did not heed the warnings
given and was taken as Satan’s prey. If he had walked humbly with God, he would have run into
the trusting place God had provided for him. Thus in times of danger he would have been safe, for
God would have lifted for him a standard against the enemy.” Lt 126, 1906 (2MCP 725)
• “What a victory you will gain when you learn to follow the opening providences of God with a
grateful heart and a determination to live with an eye single to His glory, in sickness or health, in
abundance or want. Self is alive and quivering at every touch. Self must be crucified before you
can overcome in the name of Jesus and receive the reward of the faithful.” 4T 221 (2MCP 726)
• “God cannot connect with those who live to please themselves, to make themselves first. Those
who do this will in the end be last of all. The sin that is most nearly hopeless and incurable is pride
of opinion, self-conceit. This stands in the way of all growth. When a man has defects of character,
yet fails of realizing this; when he is so imbued with self-sufficiency that he cannot see his fault,
how can he be cleansed? ‘They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick’
3. Effort Counts
• “For the mind and the soul, as well as for the body, it is God’s law that strength is acquired
by effort. It is exercise that develops. In harmony with this law, God has provided in His
word the means for mental and spiritual development.” Ed 123
• “God saves us under a law, that we must ask if we would receive, seek if we would find,
and knock if we would have the door open unto us.” 1SM 377
• “Action is a law of our being.” MH 237
• “It is God’s law that strength is acquired by effort.” Ed 123
• “The mind strengthens under the correct treatment of the physical and the mental powers.
If the strain is not too great, it acquires new vigor with taxation.” 7T 199
• Strength is gained in proportional to effort put forth. The mind, like a muscle, will
strengthen and expand by exercise. Likewise it will weaken and atrophy with disuse.
4. Temperance
• “The law of temperance must control the life of every Christian.” CH 101
5. Something Better
• “Something better is the watchword of education, the law of all true living.” Ed. 296
• “Overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21
• The tension of becoming is the tension which exists between our potential and the current
expression of that tension; in other words, the difference between what we are and what we
have the potential to become. This tension gives incentive to move, to grow. Or if we
ignore it, we have doubt, guilt, and depression.
6. Avoiding Neglect
• “It is duty to so educate the mind as to bring out the energies of the soul and develop every
faculty. When all the faculties are in exercise, the intellect will be strengthened, and the
purpose for which they were given will be accomplished.” 3T 32
• “Many are not doing the greatest amount of good because they exercise the intellect in one
direction to the neglect to give careful attention to those things for which they think they
are not adapted. Some faculties that are weak are thus allowed to lie dormant because the
work that should call them into exercise, and consequently give them strength, is not
9. Balance
• True education means more than the perusal of a certain course of study. It means more
than a preparation for the life that now is. It has to do with the whole being, and with the
whole period of existence possible to man. It is the harmonious development of the
physical, the mental, and the spiritual powers.” Ed 13
• For optimal performance and health, each component needs to be exercised in balance with
the others rather than the emphasis being placed on one or two to the exclusion or neglect
of others.
10. Order
• “Order is heaven’s first law.” 2SM 226
12. Denial
• “It is an important law of the mind… one which should not be overlooked… that when a
desired object is so firmly denied as to remove all hope, the mind will soon cease to long
for it. And will be occupied in other pursuits.” MCP 419
• Practical applications: discipline, breaking bad habits, discouragement (“Hope deferred
maketh the heart sick” Prov. 13:12)
Based on Mima Burghers’, A Life in Harmoney, 311 SE 4th St., College Place, WA; 1985
Ellen G. White, a world-recognized educator and keen observer of human nature, wrote, “If the thoughts are wrong, the
feelings will be wrong, and thoughts and feelings combined make up the moral character” (5T 310). Thoughts precede
feelings. The way we think, affects the way we feel.
Solomon observed, “For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7). This is especially true for the individual
suffering from depression. Distorted, faulty thinking patterns underlie all forms of depression. Although physical contributions
to depression should be addressed, unless the individual recognizes his or her faulty thinking patterns and replaces them with
healthy ones, he or she will never fully or permanently recover from depression.
In the 1900s, cognitive psychologists such as Dr. Aaron Beck identified several automatic, distorted thought patterns which
contributed substantially to depression and other mental diseases. However, long before science recognized these
relationships, God, in His Word, revealed that distorted thinking can result in significant mental distress. Studies show that
when a depressed or anxious individual identifies faulty thought patterns and replaces them with healthier ones, he or she
usually makes significant progress. Mental health and relationships improve, and the individual become more effective in
helping others who may be struggling with similar difficulties.
• An individual focuses so much on one aspect of a situation that he cannot see any other aspects. For example,
a wife is so upset at her husband for never washing the dishes that she becomes resentful and angry. She is
unable to consider that he clears and wipes the table and has very little time to help before needing to be back
at work.
• When the flaws of those around us tempt us to become irritated and angry, what a difference our attitude in
dealing with them would be if we stopped to consider their positive traits of character and looked for
blessings amid their shortcomings.
• God counsels us that "we need not keep our own record of trials, difficulties, grief, and sorrows. All these
things are written in the books, and heaven will take care of them. While we are counting up disagreeable
things, many things that are pleasant to reflect upon are passing from memory” (MH 487).
2. All-or-Nothing Thinking
• Fuels anger, anxiety, and depression. Everything is seen as extremes, with no middle ground. Some students
think, “If I don’t make an ‘A’ on this exam, I fail.” Young singles might be tempted to think, “I won’t be
successful unless I find a mate.” Advertisers say, “You won’t be happy until you have this new product.”
• The biographies of Saul and the prophet Jonah reveal many of the common, distorted thought patterns we are
plagued with today. King Saul engaged in all-or-nothing thinking when he tried to kill David assuming that,
“I must be the most popular man in the kingdom or I will lose my authority.”
• All-or-nothing thinking leads us to stereotype people of different races and creeds and instigate prejudice.
For example, the disciples were upset because others than themselves were working miracles (Mark 9:38).
This can lead to a rigidity that can cripple God’s work. We may think our way is the most efficient, the most
cost-effective, and the only logical option. But we must allow others to grow and experiment within the
safeguards of God’s principles so that all-or-nothing thinking does not limit God’s respect for individuality
and human choice.
• The prophet Jonah sulked in an all-or-nothing mode, “Lord, you should have sent down fire on the Ninevites.
You didn’t keep Your word. Now, they will regard me as a false prophet!” Jonah didn’t think the Ninevites
would believe him to be a true prophet and turn from their sins to grasp the mercy of God. All-or-nothing
thinking doesn’t consider that people indeed can learn from mistakes, especially when the Holy Spirit is their
tutor.
• You wave at a friend, receive no acknowledgment, and think, “I’m being avoided!” One day I was having a
wonderful morning when my boss said to me very seriously, “I need to see you in my office tomorrow.” My
heart sank and waves of depression suddenly rolled over me. I prayed, “Lord, I feel so depressed and
anxious. Help! I don’t have funds to see my counselors, and my friends are away.” He asked, “What are you
depressed about?” I replied, “I’m afraid that my boss is upset because students have been complaining about
my classes, or maybe my hours are going to be cut.” I then realized that I was “mind reading,” and that my
boss probably wanted to talk to me because he would be absent for six weeks. My depression suddenly
vanished (and I soon found that my worries had been unfounded).
• Saul practiced “mind reading” when he thought David would usurp him of his power and become king. Ellen
White states that Judas thought Jesus would not allow Himself to be killed, but when forced by
circumstances, would deliver Himself. (see Desire of Ages, p. 720)
Faulty thinking patterns not only trigger depression and anger but can also lead to spiritual decline which may reach into
eternity. Instead of allowing these thoughts to manipulate our lives and emotions, may our prayer be like David’s: “Search me,
O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way
everlasting” (Psalms 139:23, 24). Jesus promises that “every plant, which My heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be
rooted up” (Matthew 15:13).
A cheerful heart includes realistic optimism. When you see a glass half full of water, do you think
“half full” or “half empty”? When you are overlooked for a long-desired promotion, do you submit to
thinking, “I’ll never make it,” or do you see the brighter perspective: More time to spend with your
family, opportunities to develop other interests.
Optimism leads to a hardiness that prolongs health. The universities of Helsinki and Turku along with
the University College of London did a large observational study assessing the protective effects of
an optimistic outlook on health. They found that individuals who scored high on optimism
questionnaires reported fewer sick days after a major life event (severe illness or death of a spouse or
family member) and recovered more quickly than those who scored low on optimism. In other words,
they found that optimism can assist in coping with major negative life events more successfully.
(Health Psychology. 2005 Jul; 24(4): 413-21)
What other benefits does optimism offer? A Dutch study consisting of 900 individuals, ages 65-85,
showed that those who reported high levels of optimism had 55% less risk of dying from all causes
and 23% less risk of cardiovascular death than those who reported high levels of pessimism. In
another study the University of Pittsburgh sought to ascertain the affects of life orientation on the
development of arteriosclerosis in the carotid arteries of middle-age women. They performed carotid
Pessimism also reduces the efficiency of the immune system. Conversely, optimism improves the
ability of natural killer cells to destroy viruses and cancer cells and other parameters of the immune
system.
Compared to pessimists, optimists seem to engage in healthier habits. A Finish study involving
individuals 31 years old showed that men and women who scored in the highest quartile for optimism
ate salads, vegetables, berries, and fruits more often than those who were in the lowest quartile.
Pessimistic thinkers also ate less fiber and consumed more alcohol. Studies also show that optimistic
individuals report a higher quality of life, engage in more active coping, and adopt more health-
promoting behaviors than individuals who score low in optimism or are pessimistic. Other studies
show that a high level of pessimism signals an increased risk for depression and poor health in care
givers.
It has been shown quite clearly that whether one is young, middle aged, or older, optimism improves
health, and pessimism weakens it.
2. Verbalize your blessings and gratitude. “Expression deepens impression” is a basic law of the mind.
3. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Pessimistic thinkers emphasize the negative events in their lives and
devalue the positive ones. Instead of enjoying what they have actually accomplished, they are frustrated with all that is
yet to be done. They pass over the lovely wild flowers and concentrate on the weeds and briers. A wife might fume
because her husband didn’t clean the sink after he washed the dishes. But it would do wonders for their relationship if
she thanked him for what he did do. She might fume that her casserole dish didn’t turned out perfectly instead of
enjoying the company of her guests. This type of thinking, called selective filtering, contributes to pessimism. The cure
for this detrimental thinking is a changed focus. While acknowledging the negatives of a situation, emphasize the
positives. For every minute indulged in fretting and fuming, spend five minutes exploring the positive aspects of the
situation.
4. Check your diet. Too much sugar or refined foods can cause a rapid rise and drop of blood sugar which can contribute
to cognitive impairment. Long-term use of caffeine can deplete serotonin (a neurotransmitter that contributes to
positive outlook) and norepinephrine (a natural antidepressant in the brain). Studies show caffeine can also lower the
threshold for irritability, discontent, and anger.
5. Pessimism is often rooted in anxiety and depression. Studies show that six weeks of daily aerobic exercise, especially
in the sunshine, significantly reduces anxiety. The exercise and sunshine improve serotonin production, a brain
chemical that promotes self-control and positive outlook. If anxiety and depression persist, see your health care
professional, but develop a healthy sense of humor and practice these tips.
A wholesome sense of humor is not only beneficial, but can also be used as a witnessing tool. “Then was our mouth filled
with laughter, and our tongue with singing; then said they among the heathen, The Lord has done great things for them” (Ps.
126:2). Perhaps if we had more “holy chuckles” God’s people would be more convincing to the unbelievers of His goodness.
Laughter increases the number and efficiency of natural killers cells and T-lymphocytes (special white blood cells that destroy
viruses and cancer cells), increasing the number of antibodies. Laughter, indeed, revitalizes the immune system. But that is not
all. Laughter improves the ability of the blood vessels to dilate and reduces stress hormones like epinephrine and cortisol.
Studies also show that humor, when used with sensitivity, can build bridges between patients and caregivers.
Wisdom and balance when dealing with humor are extremely important. The typical comedies offered by Hollywood devalue
the role of fathers (“Everyone loves Raymond”), women, families (“Desperate Housewives”), and edify none. Rather, they
deify the devil’s attributes. Programs such as these should be avoided at all costs. However, genuinely amusing experiences
occur in life and a sense of humor can balance life’s stresses. When I was learning to make mayonnaise and inadvertently
added active yeast instead of yeast flakes, I could have become frustrated and upset as I watched the white concoction come
pouring out of it’s jar all over the refrigerator, or I could have laughed as I cleaned up the mess realizing that I would never
make that mistake again.
Meekness is another essential component of a cheerful heart. Ellen White in Testimonies Volume 3, p. 335 expressed it this
way: “Meekness is a precious grace, willing to endure trials. Meekness is patient and labors to be happy under all
circumstances. Meekness is always thankful and makes its own song of happiness. Make melody in the heart to
God…Meekness is not silent and sulky. A morose temper is the opposite of meekness; for this only wounds and gives pain to
others, and takes no pleasure to itself.”
During my experience working at a hospital, I became friends with an attractive-looking and talented patient who struggled
with depression. One of the symptoms of her depression was the inability to make decisions. Every day she would ask me
what I thought she should wear. After the fifth day of being questioned, a promise in Isaiah came to my mind and I responded
with a quiet voice and warm smile, “How about trying the garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness?” My recommendation
elicited a warm smile and I hoped would achieve a similar change of outlook.
If you are optimistic, continue to spread your sunbeams in encouraging words. If you find that you are pessimistic about
present circumstances and future prospects, don’t be afraid to venture upon God’s goodness. His garment of praise is not at all
like the invisible covering of the naked emperor (who proudly paraded around in a specially tailored suit, or so he thought!).
Today we have the opportunity to replace negative thoughts and attitudes with positive ones. We must either choose the
garment of praise or the spirit of heaviness. Why not choose a rejoicing heart ruled and fueled by divine power? Rest and
healing will be your reward if you will receive that “merry heart that doeth good”—even better than a medicine.
Uncontrolled anxiety robs the health. Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder tend to have elevated LDL-cholesterol
levels, elevated blood fats, and a decrease of the beneficial HDL, all of which contribute to blood vessel disease. (1) Sustained
or chronic anxiety is associated with a significant increase in thickness of the innermost and middle layers of the common
carotid arteries – arteries important in nourishing the brain. (2) This thickening is usually caused by build up of cholesterol-
containing material. In fact, chronic high levels of anxiety could accelerate the development of atherosclerosis in these
important arteries. Those with anxiety disorders have high pro-inflammatory markers. This is important because inflammation
fuels chronic diseases.
Anxiety pales the stomach mucosa (lining) by causing the tiny blood vessels leading to the stomach to constrict. This
interferes with optimal function and can set the stage for ulcers. Stress slows the emptying of the contents of the stomach.
Studies on rodents suggest that rats genetically predisposed to anxiety have hypersensitive abdominal organs, especially the
colon. (3) High levels of anxiety also reduce the efficiency of the immune system. (4)
Individuals with all-or-none thinking have unrealistic goals because they tend to see everything in absolutes. There are no in-
betweens. Either red or blue. No pastels. No pinks or lilacs. They either fail or succeed. “I feel crummy. I didn’t make my
usual ‘A’. This ‘B’ makes me feel like I have failed.” This mode of thinking discounts the fact that we learn from our mistakes
and failures. Since it strikes God’s grace in the face, it can lead us to become intolerant of others’ shortcomings and sink us
into shame with our own ineptness. Our can relationships deteriorate because we become either impatient with others or
absorbed in pursuing unrealistic perfection to the neglect of significant relationships. Unrealistic goals cause intemperate
living. Intemperate living erodes our personal peace and the peace of our families. In all-or-none thinking, all mistakes or
conflicts are seen as inherently evil, instead of means from which we learn. This can produce anxiety whether we admit it or
not.
Mind-reading is another faulty thinking pattern which produces anxiety. In mind-reading, a person is sure he knows what
another person thinks. “She didn’t smile at me. She must be mad at me although I don’t know why.” This fails to realize other
reasons for her actions. Jean was a persevering middle-aged lady who had struggled with anxiety and depression for many
years. One day her boss approached her quite seriously. “I want to see you in my office tomorrow!” No smile. Not his usual
upbeat self. The week had gone quite well for Jean. Suddenly she found herself spiraling down into a severe, anxious
depression. She prayed. The question came to her mind, “What were you thinking before you got depressed? What is the
problem? There must be a problem with me. Was the staff unhappy with my performance? The rug is going to be pulled out
from under my feet.” Then she realized that she was mind-reading. She really didn’t know what her boss wanted. “Perhaps he
wants to tie up loose ends, before going on a six-week business trip,” she though. That ended up being exactly the case.
Should thinking is setting arbitrary requirements without considering consequences. “I should be able to rear two children
alone, climb the corporate ladder, take continuing education classes, work out at the ‘Y’ three times a week, and keep a
spotless home. Many single workers have done this, so should I.” Not considering the consequences of the whirlwind of either
physical or mental activity accrues anxiety and eventually can leave us feeling bankrupt. Establishing realistic goals, and
evaluating costs and consequences of personal action makes us wiser and better able to prevent or handle anxiety.
One of the pivotal steps in overcoming anxiety is to recognize the faulty thinking patterns that contribute to it. (5) Many
professional or pastoral counselors can be of assistance. Since expression of our anxiety can deepen its impression on the
mind, it would be wise to voice our anxiety only to those who know how to help us. The psalmist suggests that it is always
appropriate to convey our anxieties, fear, and anger to God. Many times faith in a loving God can reduce the impact of stress.
2. Threat of Loss
Fear of loss reinforces anxiety. In order to overcome anxiety, we need to admit its underlying fears.
Conscious loss of a loved one, a physical capability, or a job, often reinforces anxiety and underlying depression. Fear of
losing someone or something valuable to us can propel us into the throes of a frenzied anxiety. When this happens to me, I
find it helpful to realize that in some ways I was happy before I even had the desired relationship or object. Teaching, for
example, is very dear to me. Sometimes I have nightmares about losing my job or the capacity to teach. Objectively however,
I realize that I was just as happy, even somewhat more happy, when I was working as a patient-care worker. I would be sad
for a little while if I didn’t teach, but there are other jobs, just as meaningful, that I could do that would give me a sense of
satisfaction.
Sometimes we have suffered losses of which we are unaware. We hadn’t missed them until it came to our attention that they
were gone. These losses can drag us into shame and embarrassment, pushing us off-balance into insecurity. Insecurity comes
in so many garbs that it is not always easy to discern. These may be especially painful when love and esteem have finally been
achieved – and then we lose them to some degree. What can we do when this happens?
It is truly humbling to write regarding these experiences of pain. Perhaps you have suffered more than I have. I hope not. But
some readers of this article have. I discovered a helpful suggestion one night when I was feeling especially anxious. I
considered each of my major losses, and to my amazement, for every loss I was able to realize a definite gain.
There was the loss, from a cruel mental disease, of my mother’s loving care. After spending much time and money working
through issues related to this, I can see that I am much more sympathetic and insightful than I would have been without this
experience. Then there was my indifferent dad. Years later, when he died, he left a small inheritance – enough to pay for a
couple of years of much needed counseling. A speech impediment and a form of audible dyslexia have limited me some, but I
certainly have taught foreigners how to read standard English. Their mistakes mirrored my mistakes well. My speech therapy,
it seemed, helped more people than just myself. Fortunately, I work for an institution, which has given me room to grow
professionally. Bounced from a job, I got another job in a rural elementary school in which I learned much that helped me in
character development and professional growth. Several years later, I lost a class I enjoyed teaching. I was determined to make
the best of it. I was given a more advanced class, and the research I did for that class made me a much more persuasive teacher
in the classes I currently teach. The list of my gains by losses could continue for another page.
We can confront the underlying fear of future loss by taking time to review how God has transformed the past losses into
some kind of gain. If we can’t see this in our own upheavals, we can listen to people who have. We can read inspiring
biographies of those who triumphed over losses. Study the Scriptures that show how God turned defeat into victory.
I remember hearing newscaster Maria Shriver give an inspirational graduation talk. She had taken a certain stand on an
important issue in one of the major news networks. She feared that it would cost her job. It did. The experience has proved
valuable to her, for she has known ever since, that she made the right decision and she will never have to struggle with that
same kind of fear again. She learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the going on in spite of fear. Peace of mind
doesn’t necessarily mean the absence of conflict or loss, but the consciousness of right doing and the eventual triumph of good
in the face of adversity.
Missing links in our integrity create anxiety. Integrity to principle underlies all true development. (6) I like to define integrity
as the harmonious movement of the intellect, the will, and the emotions, into the will and purposes of God. To the extent that
this happens, we have happiness and good mental health.
Character has a number of different aspects – the will, emotions, personal relationships, the intellect, and our physical being.
Usually, one or more of these lags behind the others, and this character imbalance fosters anxiety. We know we should do
differently, but somehow we don’t. The stunted area(s) in our lives produce anxiety. Sometimes it is sitting on a fence in the
valley of decision. At other times deeper, unresolved psychological and spiritual issues confront the soul. Sometimes God
allows disturbing thoughts to come to us, to prompt us to deliberately choose to eliminate contaminating influences that erode
character and contribute so much to anxiety. By acknowledging our weaknesses and working through character-dwarfing pain,
we can eventually learn to make decisions that are true to our chosen values, and using our talents in harmony with them, we
can avoid anxiety-producing guilt. (7)
Anxiety can also come from our subconscious past. A toddler is happily picking pink flowers. Suddenly, buzz, buzz, buzz.
Welts appear all over her body, and she struggles to gain her breath. Twenty years pass. She has been happily married. It is her
anniversary. She is looking forward to her husband’s return. He usually brings her such interesting gifts. But when she
receives pink flowers she feels utterly disappointed. Her mind seems to become vacant, then apprehensive. But – sudden
recognition and a flash of insight – no, these are not the same flowers as those of her previous encounter. Although the shape
is different, the color is the same and the size of the petals are similar to those she picked when she was so severely stung as a
youngster. She can’t seem to disassociate the insect stings of the past from the pink flowers of her anniversary gift because her
mind is working on an unconscious level.
It is helpful to recognize the connections of past events to our current anxieties and to realize that conditions are different. We
aren’t in the same environment. We are more mature in taking care of our own needs, and making necessary provision to
protect ourselves. In the previous scenario, that would be keeping self-injectable epinephrine handy to counteract anaphylactic
shock when bees and hornets are out.
Self-absorption is another cause of anxiety. We must certainly attend to our needs. But when my job, my health, and my goals
threaten to engulf me, I need to escape this tunnel vision. The remedy for this kind of anxiety is to become involved with
meeting the needs of other people and, with them, to develop a realization of the value of ministry and a habitual attitude of
ministry.
Perhaps you are not well yourself. Even flashing a smile, expressing genuine gratitude, or offering a sincere prayer makes this
world a better place for someone.
Sometimes having too many things to do triggers apprehension and worry. What to do if this is the case? Check your motives.
Psychologists have identified three basic core beliefs or motivations that produce anger, anxiety, or depression.
Conformity core beliefs lead us to try to please others to the extent that we don’t take enough time to protect our health –
physical, mental, and spiritual. This conflict easily creates anxiety.
With performance core beliefs we think that perfection in every single little thing we do is required. I was living in a small
dorm with the dean and her family. Our dean was a tough but loving lady. She had escaped Nazi Germany when she was only
three or four years old. She tells the story of how her foot was painfully inflamed with osteomalacia which made it very
difficult for her to walk. Her mother had pointed to the corpses surrounding them and said, “Do you want to be like these?
Don’t walk then! You must walk to keep alive.” Years later, happily married with two young children, this enterprising dean
would garden, can food, keep an immaculate home and supervise her young ladies well. However, she would end up with a
migraine headache every Sabbath after working all day Friday preparing a delicious Sabbath meal and laboring to make
homemade wheat rolls. Finally I said, “Molly, you don’t have to make the rolls every Friday. Take it easy. Cook simply.” But
no, to her, rolls on Sabbath was a family tradition and could not be broken. Eventually she did learn to relax and rest although
it took major set backs for her to learn this essential lesson.
We do want to do our work as carefully and thoroughly as possible, but we fatigue ourselves too often by thinking the niceties
of life are absolutely essential. We let our work define us, and drain our strength, when, really, our character and priorities
should define our work and promote health.
Identify your major long-term roles, and then from these goals, derive specific, immediate goals. If you are overwhelmed with
too many tasks or responsibilities, eliminate or delegate responsibility for goals that do not contribute to healthful fulfillment
of your mission. Remember to re-evaluate periodically to maintain realistic goals.
View only the positive, the true, and the noble on television. Much of what is shown on TV stimulates the adrenal glands to
release stress hormones that aggravate and perpetuate anxiety. We deliberately choose to lower our threshold to anxiety by
watching violent programs or movies, and living the action vicariously.
Eliminate caffeine. Caffeine magnifies the effects of adrenal stress hormones and messes up an important brain chemical,
GABA (gamma-amino-butyric-acid). This chemical helps us to focus and remain calm during stress. Caffeine can be a
contributing factor in post-traumatic stress syndrome. It lowers the threshold to anger and decreases the level of contentment.
Caffeine is bad news indeed for anxiety control.
Physical exercise helps. Twenty minutes of continuous walking (done for 10 weeks) improves anxiety. (9) Physical
exercise is linked to good health. Physical fitness can buffer against the harmful effects of mental stress. In the elderly,
exercise improves the quality of sleep, and the perception of personal control and self-efficacy. It helps control an inherited
tendency to anxiety and also increases contentment.
Physical problems like overactive thyroid activity, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, heart failure, heart valve prolapse,
vitamin B12 deficiency, withdrawal of certain drugs, and other problems could be the source of anxiety and should be ruled out
by a competent physician and appropriate testing.
Trust in Divine Providence reduces anxiety. Juanita was a dynamic, active church member and a mother of three active
teenagers. Many years ago she had been involved in a car accident and suffered such serious headaches she feared she was
losing her sanity. One doctor after another could offer her no cure for such terrible pain. (This was in the mid-20th century,
before CAT scans were available.) She feared long-term institutionalization. “Who will take care of my precious children?
My husband is gone so often because of his job. I must do something or I will lose my mind.” As a Christian, she decided she
must break down the pain in her life into five-minute intervals. The end of each five minutes was punctuated by a short prayer.
She remembered that the highest mountain is conquered step by step.
This step-by-step approach, reinforced by faith in God, accomplished what no other therapy had. Slowly she improved until
one day she realized she had no more headaches. Her experience led her to venture out on a faith ministry that helped her
reach some of the unfortunate people in New York City. Many times there were no funds and sometimes vehicles necessary
for her ministry broke down, but she never indulged in anxiety or complaining. God always in some unpredictable way
provided.
Anxiety can nullify the benefits of our faith, but it doesn’t necessarily. Anxiety signals something is wrong. Perhaps it signals
a physical disease, a distorted thought pattern, a misplaced priority, or a psuedo-god. If anxiety is honestly acknowledged, its
causes ascertained and sufficiently recognized, we actually can become stronger in our faith. As the psalmist, states “What
time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee.” Ps. 56:3
You, too, by understanding some causes of anxiety, making the suggested changes in thinking and behavior patterns, and
instigating the positive measures we have discussed, can overcome anxiety. And this can be done in a way that builds a
balanced, trusting, cheerful, helpful character and personality – a whole, sound person – spiritually, socially, mentally,
physically.
REFERENCES
Worldwide, 200 million individuals suffer from depression. In fact, almost one in four Americans suffers from some form of
depressive condition. It is no wonder that treatment for depression costs an approximate seventy billion dollars in America
each year.
Physiological Effects
Depression reduces the ability of natural killer cells and T-lymphocytes to destroy viruses and cancer cells. In fact, those
suffering from long-term depression can increase their risk of cancer by a factor of three! Depression increases the risk of
becoming diabetic, who in turn have an increased risk for developing depression. Depression increases the risk of dying from
a fatal stroke by 50%, increases the likelihood of developing high blood pressure between 50 to 200%, and for those who have
had bypass surgery, is a more significant factor than smoking, obesity, hypertension, or high blood cholesterol for developing
reoccurring heart disease. Depression increases the heart’s sensitivity to electrical disturbances, the risk of developing
osteoporosis, and ultimately, seems to affect all the body’s systems.
Depression is characterized by a persistent sadness that is difficult or unable to be overcome. Irritability, changes in appetite
and sleep habits, difficulty making decisions or plans and carrying them out, morbid thinking, gloomy feelings, and distorted
thinking are all common symptoms of an individual suffering from depression.
Long-term or severe depression destroys brain cells in the front brain. This is where spiritual themes and judgment,
consequential thinking, the will, and the ability to plan and execute decisions are controlled. When the front brain is impaired,
an individual experiences difficulty concentrating and making decisions. Studies show that during depression, the front brain
receives less blood flow. Electrical activity is repressed and less growth factor is stimulated for brain cell development. The
levels of brain chemicals, such as serotonin, a brain chemical necessary for positive outlook and nor-epinephrine, a natural
anti-depressant, decline. Certain structures found in the brain cells shrink, and nerve cells eventually die. If left untreated,
depression will shrink the front brain. Once neurons in the front brain die, they can never be replaced.
Within the temporal lobes, the hippocampus is essential for storing memory and is also involved in learning and regulating
mood. Depression, prolonged stress, and chronic anxiety shrink the hippocampus. Unlike the front brain, the hippocampus can
generate new brain cells. However, this is dependent upon a nutritious diet and a variety of physical and mental exercises.
The amygdala, which are also embedded in the temporal lobes, store fear-evoking memory. In depression, the amygdala are
overactive, and the individual becomes abnormally fearful.
Depression usually has several different causes, some of which require professional diagnosis. The physical causes for
depression could include genetic disposition, hormonal imbalances, mini-strokes, allergies, alcohol, nicotine, and insufficient
exercise and sleep.
Long-term use of caffeine reduces the capacity of the brain cells to make serotonin (essential for positive outlook) and
norepinephrine (a natural anti-depressant). Caffeine reduces blood flow to the front brain while increasing the metabolism of
brain cells and the demand for oxygen. Studies show that caffeine magnifies the effects of stress hormones and interferes with
production of GABA, a brain chemical that helps maintain calmness and focus under stress.
Excess sugar and fat reduce brain-derived nerve growth factor that protects brain cells and stimulates their development.
Eating sugar on an empty stomach is especially hazardous to brain cells. A candy bar or soft drink rapidly increases the blood
sugar triggering the pancreas to release large amounts of insulin which quickly lower the blood glucose level. Since glucose is
the only fuel for brain cells, a rapid glucose decline (even sudden drops within what would be considered normal levels of
blood sugar) impairs the ability of the front brain to function optimally.
Vitamin B12 is essential for efficiency of the brain. Even a low-normal amount of this vitamin may result in a decline in
mental functioning. Vegetarians should eat foods fortified with B12 or take B12 supplements. Most individuals only need an
average of 3-5 micrograms of vitamin B12 per day. Because it is stored in the liver, a dose of 50 micrograms twice a week is
sufficient.
Overcoming Depression
Each day eat a serving of omega-3 fats (flaxseed, soybeans, walnuts, or dark green leafy vegetables). Depression can result in
localized and systemic inflammation that can increase several pro-inflammatory agents in the body. One of them, C-reactive
protein, is a very useful marker in evaluating the risk for heart disease and stroke. Studies show that major depression
increases C-reactive protein in men. Daily consumption of omega-3 fats combats inflammation, helps to reduce the risk of
depression, and lessens its symptoms.
Enjoy a variety of complex carbohydrates (fruits, vegetables, legumes, and whole grains). Carbohydrates increase the
production of serotonin, a brain chemical which promotes positive outlook, whereas a high protein diet can decreases its
production. A diet rich in complex carbohydrates can also reduce elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which is
commonly elevated in depression. Excessive amounts of cortisol reduce the production of key proteins necessary for optimal
brain efficiency and mental health.
Studies show a significant relationship between depression and the deterioration of fats (lipid peroxidation) in the brain and
other tissues, especially in females. Other investigations show that individuals suffering from depression not only have less of
the vitamins C and E in their blood, but also have more free radical activity in their brains. Eating fresh, colorful fruits and
vegetables and several ounces of nuts increases antioxidant activity in the brain while minimizing damage from free radicals.
Regular aerobic exercise and exposure to sunlight bolster the production of serotonin. Sunlight converts cholesterol in the skin
into vitamin D, which is absorbed by the capillaries in the skin. Studies show that both sunlight and vitamin D supplements
can enhance the mood and quality of life in individuals experiencing depression and anxiety during the winter months.
Feeling blue lately? Perhaps it’s time to take a closer look at our physical and mental diets. Or perhaps we’re “playing the
blues” in our heads. It is during these times that we need the Great Master Artist to mix the sunlight of His presence into the
blueness we feel, and we will find ourselves walking in green pastures beside still waters.
This article is a humble attempt to communicate some of the answers to those who have been so often baffled, thwarted, and
thrown into a seemingly bottomless pit of endless pain from the past. It is one of those articles that if only read in part or if
read with interruptions, the incomplete part read will only serve to mock the whole.
Why deal with a painful past? Can’t it be ignored or forgotten? Wouldn’t that be a better alternative than having to deal with
the pain it produces?
A balanced perspective is vital. Too many of us have wasted the precious, present moments brooding over past hurts. The past
becomes the present that directs the future. It is as if we are trying to drive ahead to a somewhat hopeful destination by
looking into the rearview mirror. Screeeecch…..!!!
“Uh! What hit me? What did I hit? I’m so sorry! I must have lost my bearings. And I thought I knew the Baltimore area so
well!”
Hurt people often hurt other people. More collisions follow. The past alone is definitely not a sufficient guide for the present.
Uncontrolled, unproductive focusing on past wrongs harms the brain. According to psychologist Elden Chambers, “Specific
thoughts generate specific patterns of brain activity.” If a negative thought reoccurs often enough, the brain develops a
“readiness potential” to engage in pessimistic activities. “PET scans have revealed blood flow that is sharply focused in a wide
variety of specific locations in the brain, depending upon a matching variety of attentions and selections.” We are capable of
activating any selected parts of the human brain at will. It is a law of the mind that in beholding a certain image, we conform
to it.
Suppose that on my way to Washington, D.C., I left my wallet hidden in a motel room. Fifty miles down the road I realize that
my wallet, with my three credit cards, a thousand dollars in traveler’s checks and cash, and my only picture of a beloved
parent, is left in the motel room. Wouldn’t I go back to try to retrieve it? Sure, I could cancel my credit cards. If I were
wealthy, maybe the cash wouldn’t make a difference. But there is only one picture of my beloved parent left in the world, and
I want that!
There are times in our lives when we will not be satisfied until we have retrieved that lost item of special significance. The
difficulty is to identify this remnant from the past, so valuable that we want its knowledge in the present or future. So, what is
valuable?
Mistakes, failures, and disappointments are valuable. Not that we want them to become the centerpieces of our lives, but if we
learn from them, they contribute to our peace and confidence in the present. We really don’t like it when our shortcomings and
failures become so apparent. We prefer to bask in seeming success.
But realization of our own failures can help us empathize with other struggling individuals. Appropriate accountability to
others enables us to evaluate our own priorities and methods a little more clearly in the light of heaven. When confronted by
failures and mistakes we have opportunity to affirm the true and reject the false within us. Without the privilege of being
baffled, thwarted, opposed, humiliated by failures, and given the opportunity of learning from them, we would also lose the
opportunity for growth.
Hurtful experiences often shape our perspectives, motivations, and intercourse with others. Shame may result. This exposure,
“unnerving and possibly undeserving” as it can be, “unearths the strategies we use to deal with a world that is not under our
control.” Engaged in work, alcoholism, unhealthy repression, or extreme pursuit of pleasure, some of us hide pain and
construct pseudo-gods to give us a sense of control and comfort. These pseudo-gods, like addictions and fantasy thinking,
never really solve the problems – they only perpetuate them. Calming the heart-cry of the soul, they thrust us into
consequential pain, thus increasing our guilt and shame. Avoiding pain, the issues merely accrue more interest and present
another mortgage for the soul at a later date. By that time, many of us feel that we can’t afford to be honest with ourselves or
The story of Elijah, as recorded in the Bible, reveals a loving God that often encourages us to rest in His love when our minds
are clouded with pain. Many times He builds us up physically and mentally before having us deal with some of the draining
issues in our lives.
If we refuse to acknowledge past injuries and recognize the resulting pain, we are unable to forgive. Forgiveness includes,
along with being honest about the hurt experienced, a refusal to nourish past injury, a commitment to work through roots of
bitterness with God, an openness to see how we might have negatively impacted the offender, and a refusal to let past hurts
motivate us in a negative, stingy, or stifling manner (cautiousness, however, can be beneficial). If we are not honest about the
hurt, we cannot honestly forgive. As someone has said, without forgiveness we “burn the bridge over which we all must
cross.”
However, a perspective from the other side is important, as well. Do I have such perfect insight and God-given sensitivity and
tact, that I have never wounded anyone? I try to keep current in my apologies, but because for so many years I didn’t have
God’s values and kindness, for me now to say that I don’t need to prayerfully and honestly reflect over my past actions is
tantamount to saying that I have dealt perfectly! Nonsense!
In the story of the woman at the well, Jesus first helped her to acknowledge her past so that her emotional and social health
could consequently be restored. We do not have the full conversation that went on by that Samaritan well recorded. (Jesus
knew how to keep confidence.) But we do know that Jesus turned the pages of her hurt life ever so carefully. In some ways, I
can relate to that woman.
“I just don’t get it!” Trapped again and again. Every time I experienced some success and just began to enjoy it, six months
later I would be trapped again. I felt as if I wanted to hide, literally, under my bed. “Why am I having to battle these feelings
again?”
But somehow, someway, sometimes, I knew God ass present. “Liz, it is not the adult in you who is trapped. It’s the little
children of the past inside of you.”* He then showed me the three-year-old afflicted with encephalitis, the 11-year-old
realizing Dad’s departure, the 13-year-old sobbing quietly in the cave of her mother’s paranoid schizophrenia, the 17-year-old
whose only social grace was to be quiet. Panicking, I phoned a friend.
“But I can’t!”
“Because they give me so much pain!” Then I realized these children would be forever stunted, never growing into an
integrated, fun-loving, but responsible woman unless I could accept them honestly. *
Could it be that today as God is turning the pages of our lives, He sees our birthplace, our early childhood experiences – the
triumphs and the failures – and how our thoughts were shaped? He knows about hurts. He alone has the undistorted record of
our tears. In his prayer, David pleads with God, “Record my lament; list my tears on Your scroll. Are they not in Your
record?” Another psalm describes God’s ability to transform our tears into blessing. Psalm 84:6, 7 says, “Blessed are those
whose strength is in You, Who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca [literally, “valley
of tears”], they make it a place of springs’ the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, and
each appears before God in Zion.” Yes, God is ever present when we cry.
Perhaps you are the offender who has caused others much grief, and you feel sorry for the hurt you have caused. Perhaps you
are a hurt person inadvertently hurting others. There is hope for you! The children of Israel, because of negative thinking, lack
of faith, and disobedience were required to wander through a desert wasteland for forty years instead of two weeks to reach the
This text tells us that our healing is based upon focusing on God’s goodness, acceptance of His disciplinary measures, and
persevering trust of His word. God provides new opportunities for us. He will guide us in unfamiliar ways, not just stick with
us in our well-worn ruts! (See Isaiah 42:9,16)
Maybe you, like me, didn’t really know God when the emotional trauma or the physical abuse happened. He, with His infinite
capacity to feel, felt it all. Worse than you or I have ever experienced it. He even gave a vivid word picture of this care in His
life on earth – enduring poverty, hardship, insinuations, and verbal and physical abuse. Could it be that God sees how our false
strategies of coping (to which we are so accustomed) lull us into what will become a nightmare of reality? Perhaps to save us
from being buried alive by an avalanche of worse pain, He permits discouraging circumstances or an unexpected crisis to
reveal to us the hidden, unrecognized, destructive motives, the base gods, and the false coping strategies. He does this because
He knows that if we walk with Him in honesty, surrendering the false, we will have such triumphant peace that the fear of
pain will never motivate us in a false and dishonest way. We will never again have to live in haphazard confidence.**
* I am not referring to multiple personalities. The term “the child within” is recognized jargon. In psychological circles, it
refers to the stunted development of an adult from a dysfunctional home.
** I have tried to give appropriate credit. However, I’ve read so much and internalized it over the last ten years that I cannot
remember specific each source. I am indebted to parts of Frank Minirth’s and Paul Meier’s book, Love is a Choice, for
defining a similar cycle. Dan Allender in The Wounded Heart and David Allen in Shattering the Gods Within each depicts a
fuller scope of the problem. I’m not saying that I agree with each minute point they make, but the books that they have
written, along with Christian counselors Larry Crabb, John Townsend, and Patsy Clairmont, have blessed me with growing
insight.
I remember it as if it were yesterday. The sun shining through the window highlighted my twin’s tears a little too much. I laid
on the other bed as she choked out her honest confession. I really didn’t want to listen to her, but some things just can’t be
avoided. “You know, Jeanie, nobody really loves me. No one pats my back or gives me a hug or kisses my forehead!”
“So I pat and stroke my own shoulders and arms,” she continued.
“Why do you have to be so very honest?” I chided her mentally. “Some things are not to be spoken about! Like anything that
makes my pain worse!”
Maggie continued to choke down her sobs. With the perfect logic of a seventeen-year-old, I concluded, “She looks ugly when
she cries, I am her twin. If I cry, I will look ugly, too. She is crying because she needs people emotionally. Well, I won’t ever
need people emotionally. So I won’t be caught looking ugly crying!”
So, I consciously entered into what I call my first “false covenant.” Little did I realize that it would propel me into a lifetime
of constraints. Nearing age fifty, having listened to scores of depressed patients and dozens of discouraged students, I have
discovered that the concept of false covenants is indeed quite a helpful one to understand.
What is a false covenant? A false covenant is a commitment an individual makes to himself for the purpose of protecting
himself. Often cloaked in a determined “I will never” or “from henceforth I will always,” it defies reality and breeds
unrealistic expectations. Since we can never live up to its unrealistic expectations, we often feel guilty and angry.
False covenants lead to rigidity that stifles the lives of our loved ones while compromising the quality of our own lives. They
are conclusions based upon false assumptions. In my case, the false assumption was that emotional needs with their
accompanying tears were intrinsically evil and shameful. My conclusion was that emotional needs and their ensuing
vulnerability should be avoided at all costs.
Many years ago, a very talented, beautiful, and caring lady sat across from me one wintry afternoon. She had fully confronted
the obstacles in her own life. A real go-getter, she didn’t let anything get her down. Not even the traces of a crippling infection
she endured as a child. Runner-up in a state beauty contest, skilled enough to be a professional violinist, respected for her
expertise in her local community, sought out by her peers, happily married and a mother for many years, and a staunch
Christian – why had she come to me in what she deemed “a collapse of faith”?
Several factors contributed to her sense of abandonment by God, but the root was a false covenant she had made as a very ill
seven-year-old. Seven-year-olds are in the stage of learning to apply their logic to concrete situations, but they are not yet
capable of applying it to complex abstract ones.
One thousand miles away from home, confined in a large dingy urban hospital, watching other, more fortunate children play
outside, she concluded “I must have done something very bad. I can’t think of what. I do remember being sent to my room
several times when I punched Billy, but I must have done something really bad to be separated so long from my friends. I
know what! I will be so good, that nothing like this will ever happen to me again!”
And good she was. Even when her father winced at her deformed foot, she vowed to excel and make it up to him. Being an
intelligent student, she made up for her lost year of school. Honor roll again even as mental illness accosted her family.
Valedictorian. Student body president. A high position in a major Christian organization. Married to “one of the most likely
fellows to succeed.” Master’s degree. Beautiful children. Outgoing, popular, charming, intelligent. She achieved still higher
and higher goals. Then a calamity struck her loved ones. She, who had been so instrumental in helping others deal with their
problems with grace and hope, felt as if she were flattened to the ground with her face in the mud.
It took a period of gingerly exploring her feelings and prayerfully reflecting upon her past for her to realize where the root of
her abandonment rage came from. Once my friend could realize and define her false covenant – “If I am good and do good
things, nothing like this will ever happen to me” –she could let go of her anger and sense of abandonment.
How can we deal with false covenants? The first step is to carefully and prayerfully examine our lives for any rigidity of
response. For me, I had to learn to respect my and others’ emotional needs – to see them as essential to each person’s welfare.
We must learn to identify and evaluate our premises based on a broad knowledge of the Biblical
principles of mental health. Many times a godly counselor or an insightful friend can help us define and
clarify false assumptions that lead to false covenants. Biographies of individuals who experienced similar
struggles and obstacles could prove valuable tools. Truth, when consistently and personally applied,
counters false assumptions and covenants.
With increasing maturity the mind can be compared to a very sophisticated computer with many files and
folders. We aren’t always cognizant of all the records of past years. Sometimes I sense that in my own
life as well as in the lives of others, God Himself pulls up a file and asks if we want to save, delete, or
edit it. He always wants to give us the choice. Perhaps you have recognized a false covenant you made,
purposefully or inadvertently. For the purpose of illustration, let me choose one I hear frequently: “I am
such a bad person, that I really can’t afford to have anybody know the real me. I must always mask my
pain, never revealing my hurt or failure. I must always be in control.”
That’s the old, false covenant, but God has a better one! One version of His covenant may read like this:
“You will be so secure in My love that you can afford to be genuine with Me and level with trustworthy
people. You then will develop a much better realization of your own worth.”
But even God Himself cannot superimpose His new and better covenant upon what we have previously
written. We must accord Him this privilege of erasing the false.
Yes, false covenants are difficult, and indeed uncomfortable, to break. Deliberately choosing and
conspicuously practicing better thought patterns takes time, but progress is made with each struggle in
replacing error with truth. Yes, the old covenant sometimes haunts me, but with one difference. With
every step ahead, I think, “Goodbye shame. I’m moving forward in freedom – the freedom to be the new
person God intended me to be.”
We can’t trust our promises or good intentions. They are ropes of sand because we don’t have, like Israel
of old, power, wisdom, or knowledge to accomplish them as much as we want to. We are foolish to make
rules and manipulate events to protect our loved ones and ourselves. We become wise when we accept
God’s eternal assurance policy. His principles will stand forever. The blood of Jesus underwrites our
eternal policy. May we accept His principles and promises instead of manufacturing our own covenants
of self-protection.
“Behold, the days come, says the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and
with the house of Judah…For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel and after those
days, says the Lord, I will put My law into their minds and write them in their hearts, and I will be to
them their God, and they shall be to Me a people.” Hebrews 8:8,10
“For all the promises of God in Him [Jesus] are yea and in Him Amen, unto the glory of God by us.” 2
Cor. 1:20
Some of our suffering results from our own poor choices. At other times we suffer the results of others’ poor choices and the
convulsions of the political, social, and natural world as it speeds to the conclusion of the cosmic conflict between the Creator
and the rebels. God is with His faithful children no matter what kind of pain we experience. “In all our affliction He was
afflicted.” (Isaiah 63:9) The Bible depict a fast-approaching day when justice will be satisfied and perfect unselfish love will
be the universal basis of all life, and all who now choose loyalty to the Creator will be restored to the health, happiness, and
never-ending life that God planned for them.
The simplest meaning of “dysfunctional” is “doesn’t work right.” Dysfunction comes in differing
degrees. Some dysfunctional things or people grate on one’s nerves just a little bit – like a squeaky door.
But when a situation involves individuals who must relate to each other or when circumstances are
perceived as intolerable, one of two things must be done: The situation must be modified (at least
partially) or the individual affected must be removed. For example, when a dysfunctional organ or
system of the body results in disease, a doctor must be seen as soon as possible in order to prevent further
complications or fatalities.
When families become dysfunctional, society becomes dysfunctional because the family is society’s
foundational unit. Alcohol, drug abuse, “workaholism,” mental illness, parental neglect, indifference,
abandonment, or the untimely death of a family member can all contribute to personal dysfunction and
dysfunctional group behavior. Even a physical disease like congestive heart failure can become so
serious that significant cognitive impairment, cantankerous attitudes, and impaired interpersonal
relationships can result, all because the blood vessels supplying the brain are not receiving sufficient
blood and oxygen for its needs. Like a genetic disease, dysfunction is frequently passed on in some form
from generation to generation. Its ripples can affect society affecting non-familial relations. They sap our
energy and resources, as would a chronic disease. The extent to which a specific family dysfunction
influences us depends upon the degree, timing, and context in which we received the abuse, injustice,
and/or injury, and our coping capacities.
In this article, we will gingerly, but openly, explore issues with which individuals from dysfunctional
homes have to contend and offer some suggestions which can promote healing, health, and happiness. I
choose to write from the viewpoint of an adult child from a dysfunctional family and from a Judeo-
Christian philosophy. However, the principles outlined apply powerfully to any dysfunctional
relationship. For example, children from dysfunctional parents often become dysfunctional themselves.
Perhaps they overcompensate and become workaholics to earn approval. Or as adult children they can
become manipulative, demanding interest fees from their divorced parents – a guilt trip, in other words.
True-Life Examples
Let us consider some real people who experienced some degree of dysfunction in their homes as children
and who, in spite of their experience, became a positive influence to those around them.
58 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org
When Eleanor Roosevelt was born, her gorgeous socialite mother, Anna, marveled that she could have
produced such a homely child. “She was a sensitive, timid child, and from her earliest years Eleanor
knew she was a disappointment to her mother, who would look at Eleanor rather coldly, worrying that
her daughter might never become beautiful. She would even discuss it in the presence of Eleanor and her
friends. Even as an adult, memories of her mother’s attitude haunted her – echoing the painful
realization, ‘I’m ugly.’” (1)
When Eleanor was eight, her mother died, and her father’s alcoholism prevented his caring for her.
While under the care of a strict but concerned grandmother, she was exposed to two mentally ill relatives.
One was an alcoholic uncle who would shoot at the neighbors and their children. For Eleanor’s
protection, her grandmother sent her to boarding school as soon as possible. Homely as Eleanor was,
even in her twenties her loveliness of personality was evident as she reached out to help the poor.
Although betrayed in her marriage, distressed by a controlling mother-in-law, and struggling with
depression, she persistently espoused social rights advocating for the rights of the poor, the unfortunate,
and women.
Although Winston Churchill’s parents provided for his physical needs, they were not a consistent support
for him emotionally. They would often be away when he went home on vacation from his boarding
school. Yet despite his heavy drinking, smoking, and bouts of depression, God used him to save Western
Europe from Hitler.
As a child, Dorie Van Stone’s mother would put her into a drawer and then close it. Eventually she left
Dorie at an orphanage, where a lesbian matron sexually abused her. At age 14, she entered a foster
system which moved her from one home to another where she almost always experienced abuse.
Fortunately, before leaving the orphanage, this unruly teenager heard about and accepted the love of
God. As a young lady, she was able to locate her father only to find that he, too, had rejected her. Yet
overcoming these difficulties, she has become a successful motivational speaker and missionary.
How to Survive
Maybe you happen to be one of those “good” troubled youth. Or perhaps you were one that got into trouble a lot. Maybe you
are middle-aged and still hear critical voices from the past shouting into your psyche, maligning your genuine
accomplishments. Or perhaps in your work you come in contact almost daily with the hurting and the deprived. What solace
do you have to offer? What spiritual dynamics need to be recognized before you can offer the gospel to these suffering ones?
Maybe God is calling you to be a mentoring mom or dad. If any of these situations apply to you, I would like to suggest five
life-giving principles to speed your healing or to help others who may come from dysfunctional homes.
There is an old adage that says, “You can’t prevent birds from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from making
nests in your hair.” This holds true for negative automatic thinking that is fueled by relational dysfunctionality. Their actions
set up distorted thought patterns and emotional auras that contribute to depression, uncontrollable anger, and paralyzing
anxiety. Here are some detrimental patterns of thinking that need to be recognized and replaced in order to see progession.
• Personalization
In this distorted thought pattern we assume the blame for a problem outside of our responsibilities or capabilities.
For example, when parents divorce, children often blame themselves. I know when my mom became mentally
ill, I thought, “If I had washed the dishes and cleaned my room, she wouldn’t have suffered this mental illness. If
I had been a better daughter, this wouldn’t have happened.”
This and any other kind of distorted thinking pattern is dangerous in that it usurps the true value that God places
on us. The healing answer is: “The Scriptures reveal that God wants you, He loves you, and He has chosen you.
This love, if accepted, is powerful enough to satisfy all love hunger. Of course, it takes time for increasing
maturity to realize the possibilities of this healing love.
• Labeling
This is a type of jumping to conclusions in which a parent applies a negative term to a complex situation. Sammy
fails math. His parents assume that Sammy is “lazy.” Don’t get me wrong. As a teacher, I know that laziness and
procrastination contribute to poor grades. Perhaps, however, there are other contributing factors – distractions,
discouragement, individual learning styles, etc. All of these need to be explored. It would be more accurate to
say, “Sammy has problems with math,” than to call him “stupid.” Or perhaps someone refers to his own father as
“my old man, the drunk.” But the father is much more. He is a human being. He needs to be treated with respect.
Loving respect usually, although sometimes slowly and even awkwardly, awakens respect in others.
• Selective filtering
This is another distorted thinking pattern which must be recognized and replaced before any healing can be
maintained. In this cognitive distortion, a individual focuses on one aspect, usually negative, to the exclusion of
the positive. To continue our scenario, Sammy’s parents focus on his poor math grades without praising him for
his good grades in social science.
Children from dysfunctional homes often see their parents as being totally evil, wrong, mean, or cowardly,
without any middle ground. In many cases, dysfunctional parents do really love their children but are emotional
children themselves. They have not learned to fulfill their legitimate emotional needs in healthful ways, so they
cannot help their child meet his needs. However, they do manifest care for their children by providing for their
physical needs – the one thing they know how to do.
Bobby was a handsome, talented, hard-working young man with a temper. Early in his childhood his father
deserted him and his two sisters. His mother worked two jobs and had little time for nonsense. Bobby remembers
her as a very strict parent. In being controlling, however, she lost control and would scream and occasionally
whip her children for what Bobby later would term ordinary childish adventures. After establishing rapport with
him, I asked him to make a list of the times his mother did show that she cared for him, how he benefited from
being her child, and how God turned the curse into a blessing. Here is what he came up with: He got his good
looks from his mom (his intelligence, too). He also remembers her working extra long hours to send him and his
siblings to camp one summer. And being the oldest, he learned how to take responsibility, cook, do laundry, and
work hard (blessings in disguise).
When selective thinking threatens to ruin your life, remember the good and look for ways in which God can turn
the curse into a blessing. Of course, this takes time and practice, but it makes our disappointments and griefs
manageable.
Sometimes selective filtering is manifested in a different way. Children from dysfunctional homes can focus on
all their weaknesses, but often exclude their strengths. They sink down in learned helplessness and succumb to
passive insecurity: “I’m no good. No one wants me. I can’t make it.” Hopefully, this learned helplessness
wouldn’t be present in all aspects of their lives, though this is possible, but usually it predominates in at least one
area. An objective friend or counselor can help identify their strengths and potential contributions, and help them
also to gradually learn to refocus.
• Generalization
This is assuming that the same negative events will happen over and over again. Worried about losing her job
that she loved so much, Jill had a few days of anxiety attacks. With several disabilities, Jill feared that she
wouldn’t be able to find a suitable job. However, she had determined not to let the threat of possible loss
• All-or-none thinking
Critical parents often leave their children with two sets of rigid cognitions – “all-or-none thinking” and
“should-thinking.” All-or-none thinking engages in labeling events or people as all good or all bad, with no
shades of gray. For example:
All-or-none thinking nullifies God’s grace and graciousness in our own lives and the lives of others. Shame
accrues more interest. In addition, it promotes impatience, intolerance, and contempt. When applied to people,
all-or-none thinking discounts the fact that individuals can learn from their mistakes. When applied to
circumstances, all-or-none thinking helps us to lose sight of the fact that God has ability to transform any curse
into a blessing.
When abuse and indifference surface, forgiveness is a gradual process and a commitment. We must acknowledge our pain,
allow ourselves to cry, receive some validation for our pain, and refuse to allow the past hurts to motivate us to egocentric or
excessive self-protection and distrust. In forgiveness, one does remember, but does not dwell on past hurts. For this reason, I
cannot accept the advice of some counselors who suggest that I chronologically record the hurtful events of my life. If one
does this, positive memories or present opportunities are lost – and one is lost in a graveyard of sadness, for “by beholding we
become changed.”
To a very real extent, the past helps to shape the present, and the present the future. As children we learned lessons which are
seldom obliterated. Consciously or subconsciously, negative events can motivate us toward a stunted, suspicious manner. We
develop strategies of protection that subtly rob our integrity and sabotage many of our contributions to society. It is therefore
imperative that we are open to learning from the past. I like the way David prayed, if I can paraphrase the literal Hebrew.
“Lord, search my heart, to see if there be any anger, pain, or anxiety in me that could accumulate in wickedness in me.” We
might have survived the past, but we can’t live – really live – in the present until we forgive those who have hurt us. In true
forgiveness I must reject the devaluation that the offender or abuser has placed on me. In its place, I must accept God’s
estimation of me. He sees my weakness and wickedness as well as my strengths and successes. Because He sees all and it is
His very nature to love, I can accept His unconditional love.
We must hold our family members accountable when they have committed a crime, even a crime against us. To not report
childhood abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse because it is one’s family member is irresponsible. Mothers who ignore their
abusive husbands injuring or molesting their children jeopardize the lives of their children and sacrifice the self-respect and
integrity of everyone involved. The dysfunction will only accrue terrible interest rates until we boldly face it.
Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation. If our parents frequently put us down, we need to recognize that this
is their problem. We are not obligated to require their acceptance. If we always try to win their approval, it sets us up for
defeat. However, an occasional overture in the form of a letter, call, or phone visit might eventually lead to some healing. And
forgiveness certainly does not mean a superficial acceptance of a superficial apology in order to be conciliatory and escape
painful memories.
3. Do not project
Some of the attitudes I have regarding my parents can unwittingly be projected upon God and others. The promise and power
of parenting must be recognized. Respect the power of parenting. In a perfect world, God designed parents to be as God to
their children and to portray His character faithfully and accurately until the child can develop an independent concept of what
a personal, loving God He really is. Our parents are to reflect the goodness of God. However, as a result of sin, individual or
collective, even good parents fall short. Mark this point well. Whatever we think about our parents determines, to a great
extent, our personal concept of God. This distortion, whether obvious or unconscious on our part, can profoundly impact our
loved ones because it erodes our happiness, and contaminates our other important relationships.
My parents had separated by the time I was three. Dad, however, would faithfully visit us children every Saturday, but when
the divorce was final, he dropped out of sight completely and did not send any monetary support to our family. I know from
my own personal experience, even while intellectually understanding and accepting the concept of God’s love, that
somewhere in my core being, I subconsciously felt that, because my earthly father was indifferent to me, my heavenly Father
was, too. He never seemed to answer certain prayers. In these secret pockets of my soul it was as if I had specific black holes
into which the grace of God never seemed to penetrate.
Later, I would recognize that genuine healing comes when we can discern and acknowledge how our parents negatively
impact our concept of God, and when we can repent of projecting their deficiencies, anger, or indifference upon God. One of
the first steps in this process is refusing to let what you don’t know about God shake your confidence in His love. We all use
electricity, for example, but most of us don’t understand the deep scientific principles involved.
Sometimes we misplace our anger upon others. Years ago there was a colleague and supervisor that I just
didn’t like or trust. When I realized that he had some of the same qualities of the distant grandfather that I
lived with – small frame, frugal, avid gardener, laconic – and that subconsciously I had projected the
discomfort I felt with my grandfather upon my co-worker, my relationship with him improved
tremendously. Today, I regard him as a true friend and trusted advisor. I can’t help thinking that if
grandfather had lived long enough, I might have had a meaningful relationship with him, also.
Another point to consider is, even if we cannot respect our parents as being deserving, we can respect
them as human beings. We can also honor our parents by stopping the cycle of contempt – even self-
contempt caused by an unhealthy sense of shame.
Few, if any, individuals who come from a dysfunctional home themselves, have their lives together by age thirty. So why
should we condemn our parents so harshly for the mistakes they made? This isn’t to say we can’t hold them accountable for
their actions, confront them, and express our anger to them – if it would be wise. However, in doing so, we want to exercise
sympathy for their childhood development, the conditions they had to endure.
For example, my parents actually separated when I was three. That wasn’t too bad, because Dad visited every Saturday –
faithfully. When the divorce was final, however, and we twins were eleven, he dropped out of sight – no visits, no letters, no
calls, no financial support – only Christmas and birthday presents. Eventually, we made contact. Decades later, I discovered
he really had had a hard decision to make – to support his mom and provide her nursing care or support his two children. He
knew my mother worked (until her mental illness took over) and further, that my mother’s dad would provide for us. So we
really didn’t lack any food, clothing, school supplies, or shelter.
When I was in my early forties, he also paid for my speech therapy for several years. When he died, my sister and I inherited a
reasonable sum of money. Having subsequently experienced financial difficulties myself, I can better understand the dilemma
that he faced as a young man. He had made a hard decision, and later paid his dues to me. I discovered that he had written to
us, but apparently my mom had destroyed his letters. Although our relationship was rocky at times, I still do miss him. As I
grow older and learn more of the situation as it really was at the time, rather than how I perceived it, I no longer judge his
behavior. As for mom, I have learned that schizophrenia is not only a mental disease, but also a brain disease that can entail
damage to certain key structures in the brain. Therefore, her capacity to love and relate to her children were, to a large degree,
determined by mental illness, not necessarily of her own choice.
I want to be crystal clear. There is no excuse, for abuse, alcohol addiction, or, worse yet, heartless abandonment. Still, there
can be many underlying factors that contribute to various abusive behaviors, and these need to be recognized and sufficiently
dealt with for the children’s resulting dysfunction to be overcome.
We also need to consider that even dysfunctional parents can make genuine contributions to society. Take, for example,
Abraham Lincoln. His father was such a hard taskmaster, even physically slapping his son around at times. Lincoln developed
a significant sense of serious self-depreciation. However, both his mother and later, his stepmother, encouraged him. By the
time of his presidency, Lincoln had enough self-respect to invite his political rivals to be members of his Cabinet. To some
extent, his own family life was also dysfunctional. At times his wife was mentally unbalanced and difficult. His biographers
write that he was very distant toward his first two sons. When his second son died, he soon became overindulgent to a serious
fault with his last two sons. This moderately dysfunctional dad, subject to difficulties, still did much to help his nation stop its
expansion of slavery and later proclaimed its abolition in the South. My point is that, even in dysfunctional families, imperfect
How much information do we dare share? In many dysfunctional homes, children are strictly commanded to keep silent about
family secrets, never divulging them under any circumstances. This degree of secrecy stifles complete mental and emotional
maturity. We grow maximally when we are accepted with truth and grace. This does not happen when we totally conceal our
pain and injury from others. Although we are confused and hurting, some little kernel of courage within us leads us to try to
learn from pain. Then our agonizing experience will not be totally in vain. This benefit requires wrestling with great themes of
life. At times, for us to be healed, we need an advisor that is on our side, someone who can validate our suffering. It is usually
best to proceed gradually – testing the waters, so to speak – with a trained counselor, pastor, or a friend who can be objective
as well as keep confidences.
After we have gained insight and peace, we can share what we have learned to encourage others. Nonetheless, unless a crime
has been committed, we do well to guard the reputations of our parents. We do not want to broadcast all the nasty details of
abuse to anyone and everyone unwisely, or exaggerate our parents’ weaknesses and indiscretions.
Usually when significant trauma happens in a child’s life, it leaves him vulnerable to stunted growth and development in
important areas of life. These areas must be acknowledged, accepted, and corrected before one has total freedom from his
parents’ blunders. But no one can achieve his best growth unless he is within a sphere of acceptance. The love of God
provides this acceptance, even when our parents have rejected or ignored us. He says, I will not cast out anyone who comes to
me. To the extent we refuse to acknowledge and squelch the undeveloped parts of our character, our personalities will never
totally be integrated in love and integrity.
On average, children have certain psychological tasks to master approximately every two years. Any grade-school teacher can
tell you those aged 11 to 13 are in a very important stage of social development. So if a father, for example, deserts the family
when his daughter is within that age group, that daughter, as an adult, might be stunted in social aspects in her life as an adult.
Understanding the stages of childhood development, then, can be a useful tool and a valid approach to helping adult children
of dysfunctional homes achieve integration and well-adjusted lives. In other words, if as children we didn’t learn a particular
psychological task, such as trust, determination, industry, purpose, courage, or initiative, we will have to acknowledge our
deficits and patiently work upon them as adults.
Frequently, as children pass through different stages of development, they have fear, anxiety, anger, or sadness, and it is better
for them to be taught how to express their emotions, positive or negative, rather than bottle them up inside. They need
guidance to progress into constructive thoughts and actions. If their parents are wise and available, the children learn healthful
ways of coping. When parents are unavailable, indifferent, or angered by their children’s needs, and these needs are left
unaddressed, the children’s personality is not fully developed or integrated. Then the emotions of fear, anxiety, or dejection
often result in addictions (to ease the pain) or even psychosomatic disease.
For example, uncontrollable fear, devastating anger, and harmful habits and addictions are rooted in the limbic system (as the
middle portion of brain that is concerned with lower emotions is called). One may be either aware or unaware of these
manifestations. If emotional pain, anger, confusion, and depression are kept inside, they often trigger disease, especially when
they become attitudes. For example, anxiety and major depression increase proinflammatory agents that fuel chronic diseases.
An epidemiological study has shown that severe bouts of anger are reported significantly more often than expected during the
hour preceding myocardial infarction. Other studies show that anxiety, impatience, and depression can increase the risk of
even otherwise healthy men developing hypertension.
As some investigators believe, expression of such emotions to a wise counselor can help to transfer pain from the emotional
and imaginative right side of brain to the logical left side and also somewhat to the front brain. When a person is able to
verbalize the situation and clarify it, he can start solving some problems. It is like the long-worded math problems most of us
never enjoyed in high school. To solve the problem, you need to sort out the information pertinent to defining the problem,
eliminate what you didn’t know, and have resources available to look up what you forgot. An effective counselor might be
compared with a good math teacher. He doesn’t solve the problems, but he helps provide the tools with which you can solve it.
Reflective thinking, applying Biblical principles to one’s situation, and pouring out our hearts to God, will help our front
brains to process our problems successfully. It is the front brain, in cooperation with God, which enables us to focus, discern,
and forgive.
Having said this, however, even legitimate needs can deteriorate into selfish, unrealistic demands. Legitimate needs can easily
degrade into uncontrollable selfishness as is seen when an adult child blames his parents’ divorce for his unhappiness as an
adult and plunges into a self-destructive addiction. As important as childhood environment is, the will, strengthened by wise
choices, contributes even more to adult happiness.
There are many ways God can help us mature and meet needs healthfully. One is to find a “father or mother in Israel” (a
mentor) to befriend us. They will teach you how to struggle fearfully, but bravely, with life’s difficulties and unexpected
problems. Many limitations can be overcome by teamwork, even those from childhood deprivations due to growing up in a
dysfunctional family.
In His church, God has provided us with families, with friends who stick closer than blood brothers. These individuals can
help to mitigate the effects of our troubled past. By becoming involved with children or adolescents, we can become more
acquainted with ourselves and develop in the areas in which we need to grow. Teaching part time at a grade school has
sharpened my perception of my own defects that needed to be remedied. Certain events there sometimes remind me of how I
felt as a child or teenager, and perhaps those emotions tap into a current dilemma. Many times I rejoiced over my and my
students’ taking leaps into maturity. Almost every time I correct or discipline, a still small voice tills the fallow ground of my
heart.
However, God’s church is also a hospital for sinners. Choose your mentors wisely, and look for one person to take the place of
your mom, dad, or family. Be careful not to fall into a co-dependent relationship where you obtain your self-worth from one
person, one job, or one position. Balance is absolutely essential. You need a variety of relationships and activities to achieve
optimal mental health.
Don’t expect even the best friend or mentor to take the place of the parents you should have had. They can’t. If they are wise,
they won’t try. God has reserved that privilege for Himself.
Two Absolutes
Undeniably, some of us have had parents that have left us. Perhaps a cruel mental illness took them from our embrace.
Sometimes they themselves, as children, were not truly loved. Having not received love, they didn’t know how to give it. For
whatever reasons, we want some absolutes. If you are in that position as I was, you will have to search for them as in a
treasure hunt. Perhaps you will pursue a wrong trail and will have to retrace your steps. You might have to go to unknown
places and endure hardships as a courageous, but tired adventurer. But the treasure is waiting for you.
As a child of a literally mentally ill mom and seemingly “deadbeat dad,” I discovered two dependable absolutes that radically
changed my life for good in many ways. In Romans 4:17, Paul describes God as “calling those things that are not as though
they were.” This verse gives you the first absolute. Even if you had a cruel, or maybe an indifferent or abusive dad, God has
the ability to give you, as an adult, the same benefits as if you really did have a loving, wise, and wonderful parent! This
principle can be applied to any dysfunctional relationship.
Remember Dorie? She was visiting California with her daughter and a friend, when her daughter wanted to go and visit the
orphanage Dorie was in as a child. Unaware of the sexual abuse that occurred there, her daughter had heard Dorie’s interesting
stories and wanted to see the place. Dorie wasn’t thrilled, to say the least, but with urging from her daughter and her friend,
she consented. The orphanage had been transformed into an art museum. Occasionally, one of the orphans returned to
reminisce. That person was given a special guided tour.
As Dorie entered the room where so much abuse had taken place, it was totally different. Her guide explained that a terrible
fire had swept through the basement and they had to remodel it totally. This fire seemed, in her mind, as if the justice of God
had devoured the abusive years meted out to so many young orphans and validated their pain.
Perhaps you, too, have haunting memories of a variety of abuse or neglect. When I think of Dorie’s experience, I marvel in the
truth of another verse, made especially for you. First Corinthians 1:28 says, “God has chosen the things which are not to bring
to naught things that are.” The second absolute, then, is that God will create future events – people you do not presently know,
places you haven’t been, capabilities you do not presently possess. He will create successive scenarios that will eventually
nullify the detrimental effects of any abuse, neglect, or rejection you might have received in your family or from society. Like
the fire that destroyed the room of Dorie’s abuse, God will destroy the effects of the abuse in your life, validate your pain, and
in its place create a beautiful monument.
He has done this in my life to a large extent. I know God will continue to satisfy the demands of my soul. He will do that for
you also. Skeptical? Raging? Hopeless? Whatever you feel, wherever you are, He understands and will definitely help you.
This vertical connection with God is as vital as any horizontal connections with other human beings. With God we can, as the
psalmist encourages us, “pour out our hearts at all times.” And it is only God who can satisfy all the needs of a craving soul.
In Him and with Him we can find peace, hope, love, healing from past, and courage in the present.
References
1. American Experience: Eleanor Roosevelt, PBS, transcript of film, Written by Sue Wiliams
2. Oprah Winfrey, Facing their Father, January 2006
I had been meditating on forgiveness for a long time when September 11, 2001, exploded. I still cry when I hear the stories of
bravery, survival, self-sacrifice, and loss that resulted from that tragedy. We heard stories of husbands calling their spouses
and children to assure them of their love, some of them even offering apologies. But how about those individuals whose
marriages were in trouble and who never got through to their families to at least say, “I care. I’m sorry that it did not work out.
I now see some of my mistakes and wish you the very best”? What about the father who while becoming engrossed in wealth,
became unconsciously indifferent to his children? What about the judgmental mother who constantly criticized her children?
Did these people – or people like them – work in the Towers, too? When they died, they forever lost the opportunity for
heartfelt apology and healing restitution. But fortunately, their death did not remove from those they wronged the power to
forgive – a power which survives even the death of the offender.
We first need to define what forgiveness is, and what forgiveness is not. When we have unrealistic expectations of what
forgiveness is, we may become frustrated in trying to achieve the unachievable, suffer unnecessary guilt, or experience
crushed hopes for future meaningful relationship.
Forgiveness is not a superficial acceptance of a superficial apology in order to be conciliatory and escape a painful
confronting of serious, reoccurring issues. Conciliation is valuable, but not at the expense of truth and sincerity. True
forgiveness recognizes that there might or might not be reconciliation. Our demands are surrendered, but not hope for
understanding and a stronger relationship. Forgiveness is a prelude to reconciliation but does not necessarily guarantee it. In
healthy forgiveness, we respond to the responses of the offender. I can choose to forgive even if a heart-felt apology is not
offered. However, in order for us to be truly reconciled, the offender must to some extent recognize the damage his offense
has done, be genuinely sorry, confess his offense, and seek to make restitution for it. I also must see what I have done to
contribute to the problem. Although I always need to accept genuine guilt on my part, apologize, and seek to be forgiven, I
must not withhold forgiveness even if the offender demonstrates no desire for reconciliation, acknowledging his wrongs, or
seeking to achieve a better relationship.
Forgiveness does not require us to forgo wise boundary-setting. If we fail to set appropriate boundaries, our emotional
resources can be quickly overwhelmed. Appropriate boundaries also help prevent unnecessary leaks of emotional energy so
that we can then spend more resources in coping with other life issues. Judicious boundary setting helps others know where
we stand and reduces inadvertent mistakes that sap our day-to-day coping.
Forgiveness does not free one from accountability or necessarily cancel out consequences. As children, we learn that
accountability and consequential learning help us grow in integrity. At other times, however, forgiveness might include
modification of consequences or even appropriate legal action. Accountability belongs to both the offender and the offended.
For example, if I am driving to town in the correct lane, respecting the speed limits and the stop lights, and a drunk driver hits
me, and I become paralyzed from the waist down, he is responsible for the injury and appropriate restitution of medical
expenses and disability. However, I am responsible for processing my anger and the depression that may result from the
accident.
What Forgiveness IS
Extending forgiveness for life’s painful experiences is a process that requires constant and persistent effort. It is not a one-time
deal. Often, as we uncover more damage done to us, another layer of anger surfaces, and then we are confronted with the
choice to forgive again, this time more deeply.
The first step includes recognition of the damage done by the offender. We hate pain. We unconsciously repress it and
consciously suppress it until it insidiously depresses our very being. We become obsessed with seeking comfort rather than
struggling with truth and grace. Instead of truth, comfort then becomes our god. However, Scripture tells us that God is a God
of truth and grace. Grace, graciousness, and genuine comfort can develop only in the context of truth and honesty. We can
forgive only when we progress purposefully with honesty into the domain of truth. This requires recognition and acceptance
of our personal experience.
“Catherine,” her doctor said, “you have worked so hard on your problems. Is there anything else that might be troubling
you?””
Her doctor was ready to schedule her for surgery when in the middle of the night, he was urgently called to her room.
Catherine was pacing violently back and forth, hands clenched, hissing, “I hate her!”
Eventually she told her doctor what had happened. Her grandparents were members of European nobility. Their only son had
had a child out of wedlock – Catherine. What rearing she had received had been from her grandfather, who truly loved her.
But her grandmother openly resented and hated her. She had had no communication with her grandparents for years.
That night her grandmother had called. “Your grandfather has died. It is your fault. You killed him.”
“Because you left the faith of your family and espoused another religion!”
When Catherine, after much prayer and counsel, was able to forgive her grandmother and write her a gracious, loving letter,
she stopped bleeding and her ulcer healed completely.
When we deny the pain from life’s hurts, we set ourselves up for more pain. Many, many years ago, after I delivered a lecture
on stress, a patient asked to see me. I will call her Rosalyn. Rosalyn was an attractive, street-smart, middle-aged European
lady. She told me how as a child she had lived in a Nazi-occupied country, and even though she had been only three years old,
she would deliver underground secrets that she obtained from her parents to another underground agent in the big city.
Now in her fifties and enjoying financial prosperity, she had nevertheless been in several abusive relationships with men.
During this time, she met her brother whom she had not seen since soon after the war. They reminisced about old times, and
finally she remarked, “Hans, there is one thing I do not understand. I remember waking up black and blue on several
occasions. Mother said it was because I fell out of the bed. But I don’t remember falling out of the bed at all.”
“You don’t remember Dad beating you! Mom just told you that. Dad really beat you!” Her brother couldn’t believe she didn’t
remember.
As she told me her story, I looked into Rosalyn’s eyes – no tears. Her experience was told very matter-of-factly. I was the one
with tears and a big lump in my throat. I could not swallow. Rosalyn then remarked, “But my dad wouldn’t have done it if he
had not been captured by the Nazis and placed in a concentration camp.” Probably true. Maybe it was a wise reflection from a
mature lady and a legitimate groping toward forgiving.
However, at the time of the abuse, the little girl didn’t understand. It was such a painful affront to her little soul, that her
consciousness would not tolerate it. Did her Dad’s abuse set her up for her future relations with abusive men? As I listened to
the rest of her story I concluded that it had probably contributed to it. I realized that her persistence and indomitable spirit had
deteriorated into a toughness that would not consciously allow her childhood memories to cry and be validated. Without that
validation, her forgiveness would only be superficial and it would be difficult (if not impossible) for her to grow. Only as we
acknowledge our pain can we begin to understand some of the ungodly strategies we have devised to numb that pain and
choose a more godly approach.
While forgiveness includes the recognition of hurt and injury with their accompanying pain, it refuses to dwell upon and
nourish the injury. A proverb counsels, “You can’t prevent birds from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from
nesting in your hair.” Anger and the ensuing bitterness lead us to engage in selective filtering. We become absorbed with a
person’s or situation’s problems to the exclusion of the good and the possible benefits that could be derived from them. Might
True forgiveness involves a commitment to work through the roots of bitterness. Wendy was a highly efficient surgical
technician – but she was tough. She had a good heart at times. She ministered to the orphans in the village and finally adopted
a child who became her pride and joy. But whenever there were misunderstandings at work with any man, she would go
home and explode into volatility. Her contemptuous remarks regarding men bounced from wall to wall in her apartment. She
usually had some legitimate points. She knew she had a lot of bitterness and shame from being sexually abused as a child.
That bitterness and shame evolved into contempt of all men – any man. This form of faulty thinking, called generalization,
makes forgiveness impossible and contaminates all that come into its sphere.
Wendy was attributing to all men the abuse she received and the contempt she developed for her mother’s boyfriends who
raped and abused her as a child. Since men had abused her in the past, there was no way any man would dare do it again. Her
wall of contempt rose to protect herself from insult and assault. However, contempt preempts forgiveness.
When we forgive, we must conscientiously choose not to allow past hurts, abuses, or injuries to motivate us in a negative,
stinted, or suspicious way. (Caution, however, can be a valuable asset.) We determine to open our hearts and lives, risking our
talents, in a godly way, in order to become the person God wants us to be.
Without forgiving, our hurt decays into bitterness. These roots of bitterness pervert our perception and discernment. Anger
and bitterness are projected onto others. By contaminating our relationships, they rob us of peace, good-will, and a meaningful
and blessed involvement with others. We become insensitive. We want to be tough and inaccessible to pain. But unless we can
accept our own vulnerability and need, we can’t accept others when they are vulnerable and needy. The relationships we do
have become self-focused and more bitterness ensues. In order to help others, we must recognize and avoid generalizations.
Essential in overcoming bitterness is rejecting the value the offender placed upon us at the time of the injury. Often a child
will internalize the value his parents or others in his life have placed upon him. For example, early sexual abuse appraises the
child’s worth to be cheap. Sometimes a parent’s indifference can be mirrored in an adolescent’s indifference to opportunities.
Consider the following scenario. The parents of eight-year-old Jim are divorced. His dad promises to see him on Saturdays,
but seldom comes. The child thinks, “I must not be worth anything or else Dad would surely come.” In later years, he sinks
into deep dejection whenever his preoccupied boss does not acknowledge him. The boss, with his mind crammed full with
other problems, doesn’t mean to discourage his worker. The indifference Jim received from his dad is now projected onto his
boss, and if he doesn’t take time to process his hurt and heal his wound, it will compromise his relationships with others and
his job performance in the future.
Consciously rejecting the negative value that the abuser or indifferent parent has placed on our lives, and replacing it with
God’s love, speeds forgiving and healing.
A true story* illustrates this profound power. Dorie was conceived out-of-wedlock, but her parents married. She was not a
cute child. With disgust her mother often hid her in a drawer or a closet. Finally, her mother couldn’t stand her anymore and
sent her off to an orphanage. Tragically, the matron of the orphanage would take some of the girls down to a basement room
and rape them. Dorie was one of them. She would be slammed against the walls until she cooperated.
When she was 12 years old, a group of college students came and spoke about a loving Jesus. Her hungry heart responded to
Him the best it could. Those were the days when orphans were sent to foster homes when they turned thirteen. Dorie was
assigned to different foster homes where women would beat her, their husbands or hired hands would enter her room at night,
make her undress, and force her to participate in sexual acts. However, she persevered and claimed a few promises from her
New Testament. Sometimes God protected her, at other times He did not seem to, but her faith still clung to Him.
Eventually she located her father and began communicating with him. However, when he discovered she was going to marry a
Christian and go overseas to do ministry, he disowned her. Later, when she attempted to attend his funeral, his relatives and
friends rejected her. Nonetheless, in spite of all the rejection, trauma, and various abuses, Dorie has found life worth living
and rewarding, engaging in helping wounded souls.
Real forgiveness trusts God’s justice instead of our own vengeance. God is love, but He is just and fair as well. Indeed, justice
is an aspect of His love. Without it, His love is compromised, His power to bring final deliverance to this pain-racked world
would be non-existent. In the Psalms and Prophets we see a God who hates violence, deceit, unkindness, and oppression. He is
now delivering His people from any smattering of these attributes, and when He comes again they will be delivered from all
residual of them.
“Will you come, please? Can you tell us what happened here?”
“This is the room where sexual abuse took place,” Dorie answered, painfully remembering. The guide opened the door. The
room had been remodeled.
“Do you know why this room has been renovated?” the woman asked Dorie. “Because years ago it caught fire,” she
explained.
“The judgment of God!” Dorie responded impulsively. The fire seemed to have cleaned the room, an intimation that someday
the controversy between good and evil will end. Good will triumph over evil. Evil will finally be eradicated. The entire
universe will be clean and one united pulse of glad harmony and pure love will beat throughout the earth.
Anticipation of that soon-to-come reality, and fellowship with its Author can and will sustain us through each day’s pain until
that glad tomorrow of no pain.
*Van Stone, Doris and Lutzer, Erwin, No Place to Cry. Moody Press, Chicago, 1990.
Why is it that less than two percent of people who lose weight keep it off? Why do New Year’s resolutions so often fail? Why
is the World War II generation considered “the greatest generation?” Of course, the answer is multi-factorial. However, I
would like to consider one pivotal answer, which if rightly understood, could be better than medicine for some of my readers –
the RIGHT USE of the will. Each of us has a will and we all use it – sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. What
determines how we use it? What impacts the will?
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Passive, reactive thinking forces the will into despondency. In
reactive thinking, we focus on stimuli, environment, or circumstances to the exclusion of personal
responsibility. “There is no way out.” “There is nothing I can do about it.” “Can’t win for losing.” “They
won’t listen, so why try?” “He makes me so mad!” “If only I had more.” Words react upon character.
Passive, reactive thinking, reflected in reactive language, sinks the will as surely as multi-torpedo attacks
sink a ship that has no adequate protection.
Proactive Thinking
Proactive thinking, while responding to the environment, takes an active approach in delving into issues,
exploring options, seeking appropriate counseling, and revolves around personal choices. “I will explore
other options.” “I can present this information in another way to gain their attention.” “I choose to deal
with my anger in healthy ways.” In proactive thinking, responses are deliberate and based upon values
that one has premeditatedly adopted. Proactive thinking strengthens the will.
As someone who has had to struggle with major medical depression for at least half my life, I find
another kind of thinking launches me more quickly into a better pursuit of life–faith-active thinking.
Faith-active thinking reflects upon how God’s graciousness has led to small triumphs in our lives. Obstacles and difficulties
that now confront us are accepted as opportunities to grow.
Faith-active thinking, while humbly acknowledging past personal defeats, is not mired in them. While it does not ignore
feelings, it rests its final answer on God-based values and principles.
Emergency-Mode Thinking
Emergency-mode thinking also saps the will. Maybe because in younger years I helped in the emergency
room of a small rural hospital, I often find myself in this ultra-type-A thinking. I want things done now,
if not yesterday. Always bustling about, accomplishing the utmost in the least amount of time possible so
that no second is wasted robs us of reflective thinking and living out our reflections, which are so
necessary for the deliberate action of a purposeful will.
Emergency-mode thinking, if engaged in for long periods of time, will simply bankrupt the quality of
life. If I had a terminal illness, I don’t think I would wish that I had taught more classes, made more
money, and had everything in my home super-organized. I would probably wish that I had been a kinder
person, given more hugs, flowers, and peaches, and spent more time walking in nature. Too often I have
lived my life like the slave in a story I heard. The master told the slave that he would give him free all the
acres that he could walk around before sunset. After walking fast all morning, sometimes running,
toward sunset the slave started to run faster. “Gotta have more land, gotta have more land to pass on to
my children.” The slave slumped to his death just before sunset without finishing the circle! Emergency-
mode thinking can make us greedy and insensitive. Greed and insensitivity corrupt the will. We need a
vision of ourselves, as well as of our mission.
Irregularity
Have you noticed that it is so much more difficult to discipline appetite or the tongue when meals are irregular, physical
exercise is infrequent, and the hour of retirement is constantly being postponed for the ever-present sense of urgency to get
more done first? On an irregular schedule, physical and mental fatigue occur three to four hours earlier. Physical and mental
fatigue dampen the will.
Purpose
A freedom-lover is captured by Cambodian communists. He is whipped, beaten and nearly starved to death. His arms oozing
with infections, he mixes human dung with water and then fertilizes the rice paddies with bare arms and hands. One riveting
purpose possesses him – to escape and get his young daughter to freedom. Purpose strengthens the will.
Integrity
I like to think of integrity as the harmonious integration of the thoughts, motives, emotions, and behavior into the purposes of
God. Compartmentalization erodes the will. “I worked really hard today.” “I managed that feat successfully.” “I deserve this
extra piece of pie with a double scoop of vanilla ice-cream!” This kind of thinking erects an artificial barrier where there is
none. The mind and the body are so closely connected that what affects one affects the other. How we live physically affects
the mind. Our emotions and attitudes influence our organs. The autonomic nervous system communicates directly with our
immune cells, the macrophages and lymphocytes. Happiness and health depend upon the harmonious development of the
physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of our being. Health and happiness contributes substantially to will power.
Why should I or anyone else listen to Lilo? Lilo was apparently born normal at birth, but at an early age she gradually began
to lose her sight. At school, the only way she could read the blackboard was to put her nose up close to it – so close that
sometimes her nose would accidentally erase the notes for the other students or her head would block their view. She finally
retreated to the back row and often used her binoculars to read the material on the board.
Lilo felt singled out, rejected, and ostracized, but she persevered in her leaning. Although her sight rapidly deteriorated, a kind
teacher taught her how to serve a volleyball. Several times she had surgery to restore her sight, after which she could see, but
only temporarily because of complications. Then she would be plunged into darkness and devastation again.
Over a period of years, she became totally blind. But Lilo was determined to excel and chose throwing the discus. With the
training of a skilled professional and with courage, persistence, and confidence in God, Lilo did excel. As a discus thrower,
she won an Olympic gold medal in 1992. Again, in the 1996 Olympics she won another medal. Her life confirms the power of
commitment to God, proactive choice, and persistent practice undergirded by faith in Him.
Cause-to-Effect Thinking
Emotional reasoning weakens the will. For example, “I feel like a failure, so I am a failure.” By considering consequences, the
front brain is activated giving us more power to succeed. While we are to acknowledge our emotions, the front brain is in
charge. Do you feel trapped in certain areas of your life? The will is a rope from God to pull you up. Here are some helpful
habits that will strengthen your front brain and subsequently, your will.
Watch your thinking language. Check yourself for reactive thinking. Counter it. If you used reactive language, acknowledge it
verbally and correct it audibly. What we say audibly registers in the brain more deeply than just thinking it.
Cultivate discipline in the areas of life adjacent to the problem. For example, obese people are usually not prone to loving
exercise that burns up calories. Do you have a problem controlling your appetite? Set up specific times to exercise. Walk an
extra seven minutes when you are thinking about returning home.
Establish habits of regularity that include meditative thinking. Make a daily checklist that helps you focus on your goals.
Goal-planning fortifies the will and the front brain. Stress suppresses many components of the immune system. When patients
experiencing stress are given some focus of control, these improve. Goals and checklists provide for this focus. Reflective
thinking helps to evaluate our goals. What values do you want to incorporate into your life? Establish small, specific goals that
will feed into your larger ones. Examine the day’s activities. What successes did you experience? What diversions? What
would be some constructive ways to overcome them? Journal your successes and defeats. We often mistake our mission for
our vision. What is your vision? Not only do we need to make a personal mission statement but a vision statement as well.
Appreciate conflicts as opportunities. Many of us think that all conflict is intrinsically evil and live in continual dread of them.
But conflicts provide opportunities for us to reassess our values and priorities and to improve our communication skills.
Should the worst happen and people misjudge us, conflicts provide more bonding time with our Best Friend. Men of might
and moral power have often been baffled, thwarted, and opposed.
Florence Nightingale, opposed by a multitudinous bureaucracy, finally persisted in improving the quality of nursing care in
the Crimean War and raised professional nursing standards to new heights. Before engaging the bureaucracy, she had to
endure the many manipulations of her parents, who were staunchly opposed to their daughter going into nursing, which at that
time was considered a dishonorable profession.
Physical Lifestyle
Fortify your physical lifestyle with balanced activity and good nutrition. Many studies show that regular physical exercise
reduces anger, hostility, and depression, and improves the outlook and mood. Physical exercise actually facilitates learning
and memory by improving synaptic connections. B vitamins and other nutrients from whole gains, legumes, fruits, and
vegetables, are necessary to produce gamma-amino-butyric-acid (GABA), a major neurotransmitter involved in self-control.
Adequate amounts of vitamin B6 are necessary for production of both GABA and serotonin. A well balanced vegetarian diet
balances the mind, improving electrical activity in the front brain and checking the electrical activity in the lower centers.
My neurophysiology teacher emphasizes that the brain is so connected with one’s motor system that “the will goes with the
labor of the hands.” I think of my sister. When in her twenties and facing a severe posttraumatic stress syndrome, she was so
depressed she didn’t feel she could do anything. Living with an accusatory, paranoid mother didn’t help. But as she was
praying, she said, “Okay, God, my life is wasting away. I will do one job every day.” God responded, “NO, I want you to do
two.” She adhered to that commitment and soon she was able to work half-days.
By moderately reducing caloric intake now, most people can improve their later-life memory. High-fat diets reduce the
oxygen-carrying ability of the red blood cells. The brain, significantly deprived of oxygen by a high-fat diet, slows the
response time of the will.
Caffeine, a psychoactive drug, decreases the blood flow to the cerebrum. It increases distractability and impairs the ability of
the mind to deal with high load, complex situations. It stimulates, only to depress. Frequent and long-time use of caffeine
decreases the important neurochemicals, acetylcholine and serotonin. Acetylcholine is an excitatory neurotransmitter in the
frontal lobe which provides the power to initiate and to do. Serotonin contributes to a positive outlook on life. Caffeine
magnifies the effect of stressors in both the nervous and endocrine systems. It lowers the threshold to anger, hostility, and
resentment. The average American intake of coffee inhibits the will.
Alcohol, toxic to the brain, impairs moral reasoning, judgment, and discernment, and decreases the foresight essential to a
healthy development of the will. Binge-drinking contributes to the hyper-coagulability of platelets (increased blood clotting)
and thus increases the risk of stroke caused by hemorrhage in the brain. Within 24 hours just two or three drinks increase the
risk of stroke 6 times in men and 7.8 times in women!
Sleep deficiency saps the will, as well. PET scans show decreased activity in the frontal lobe with sleep debt. Good quality
sleep builds the will.
Success or failure, health confidence or querulous uncertainty, productive life or wasted opportunities, deep satisfaction or
constantly unfulfilled expectations – everything depends on the right use of the will, the inalienable God-given power to
chose.
The will may be incredibly weak due to a lifetime of abuse and prostitution to unworthy goals, behavior, and activities. But it
is still there, still respected by our Creator. Right thinking, indomitable purpose, integrity, choice of positive language,
appropriate self-discipline, wise self-denial and discipline, regarding conflicts as opportunities, and a lifestyle emphasizing
regular physical purposeful activity, good nutrition, adequate regular sleep, and avoidance of mind damaging drugs and
practices – all require the right use of the will.
The good news is that God promises to empower our will by adding His all-powerful will to our feeble, but determined effort.
And He is always a majority. With Him, we cannot fail! “For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His
good purpose.” (Philippians 32:13)
Living Alone
Senior citizen Jeff Fyfe lived alone in Sidney, Australia . . . and he preferred it that way. He seldom answered the phone,
perhaps because he was hard of hearing. His wife had died years earlier, and only six-year-old Trixie, an Australian kelpie-
border collie mix, kept him company. He seldom received visitors except the occasional welcome visit from his daughter who
tried to keep in touch with him the best she could.
One day . . . wham! It felt like a baseball had slammed into his head. He tried to get up from his bed but found that he couldn’t
move his left arm or leg. Frightened, he desperately tried to make sense of what was happening to him. The phone rang. It was
probably his daughter calling to remind him of her scheduled visit in nine days. However, Jeff couldn’t drag himself over to
phone. He was completely unable to move. He concluded he must have suffered a stroke while he was asleep. Since he was a
social recluse, no one would miss him. He began to scream, but no one heard him. . . no one, that is, except Trixie.
The temperature in Jeff’s house was at least 90°F. With no way of getting water, he realized that he would die a slow,
miserable death. He drifted off to sleep and woke up crying for water, only to realize that no one was there to bring him any.
Or was there?
It wasn’t a neighbor who eventually figured out the meaning of his hoarse, mumbled cries. Jeff could hear his dog lapping
water from her bowl, making him even thirstier. He wished that Trixie could bring him water. In jumbled words he muttered
his request. Perhaps an angel interpreted his garbled speech, “Tri…wader.” Trixie jumped up on Jeff’s bed and released a
snoutful of water into his mouth. Mouth-to-mouth hydration, you might call it.
For days, each time Jeff would call out for water, Trixie would come. Her water bowl ran dry, but the dog ingeniously got a
towel and dipped it in the toilet bowl. Gratefully, he sucked on the soaked towel. Days passed. The phone rang occasionally.
After nine days, his daughter did come and he was rushed to the hospital. In spite of his ordeal, Jeff survived.
Spiritual Applications
When I read this story in a book by Brad Steiger called Animal Miracles, Inspirational and Heroic True Stories, I became
alarmed. Jeff’s ordeal could have been cut short considerably had he encouraged social connections and had someone
checking on him every day. His daughter knew Jeff loved his independence, but she failed to recognize that independence
without regular social support can become dangerous. Or perhaps she was uncomfortable with her dad’s hermit tendency but
didn’t know what to do about it.
Ellen White calls this need for social connections the “law of mutual dependence.” Solomon expressed it this way: “Two are
better than one, because they have good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion; but woe to him
who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how
can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him, and a threefold cord is not
quickly broken.” Eccl 4:9-12 NKJV
As a church, are we reaching out to lonely individuals who are pinned down by a mental illness or limited because of some
personality quirk? Perhaps they are paralyzed by fear. They are in need of encouragement, as well. Although we hesitate to
admit it, we have individuals in our church, on our campus, and in our community who are as limited in their ability to reach
out for help as those who have more obvious physical impairments. Gentle caring on a regular basis, in a manner they would
consider acceptable and appropriate, might afford some comfort to these souls.
Jeff would have received help much sooner had he had available systematic support and relationships.
Today, some of us need to go beyond our busy schedules and develop a systematic plan of
encouragement. Others of us need to reach out amid our pride and stifling mundane schedules of events
and seize precious opportunities to receive support from others.
Facts
Recently, both CBS and ABC News reported that according to a 1985 survey done by the University of Arizona and Duke
University, individuals were found to have an average of three close confidants. Today, that average has declined from three
to two, a decrease by one-third over approximately twenty years. In addition, about 25% of individuals today feel that they
have no one in which they can confide. Sociologists conducting this study describe this drop as “dramatic.”
Lonely Hearts
Studies show that social isolation and/or loneliness predict morbidity and mortality from cancer,
cardiovascular disease, and a host of other causes. In fact, the body perceives loneliness as a threat.
Redford Williams and his colleagues at Duke University directed a study in 1992 on heart patients and
their relationships. They discovered that 50% of patients with heart disease who did not have a spouse or
someone to confide in died within five years, while only 18% of those who did have a confidant died.
The Mayo Clinic found that lack of friendships increased the risk of dying from a heart attack within one
year, and that the value of meaningful relationships was as important as lowering cholesterol, controlling
high blood pressure and high lipids, and stopping smoking in recovery from a heart attack.
Depressed Immunity
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, studied the effect of loneliness on antibodies
in healthy freshmen when given a flu vaccine. Antibodies are the immune CIA agents which help the
white blood cells identify germs. They found that “elevated levels of loneliness throughout the
semester and small social networks were independently associated with poorer antibody response to
one component of the vaccine. Those with both high levels of loneliness and a small social network
had the lowest antibody response.” (1) Loneliness also significantly reduces natural killer cell
activity. Like efficient air force bombers, natural killer cells drop molecular bombs that penetrate
viruses’ defenses. Some of their “bombs” attack the virus’ command center. They also destroy
Another study found that women with breast cancer who perceived they had substantial social
support had greater natural killer cell activity than those women who also had breast cancer, but little
social support. Even in women with metastastic breast cancer, studies showed that greater quality of
social support was associated with “lower cortisol concentrations in women with metastatic breast
cancer,” which indicates healthier neuroendocrine functioning. However, cortisol levels were higher
among patients “who reported less appraisal, belonging, and tangible support.” (3) This is also true in
women who have ovarian cancer. (4,5)
Oral Health
Dr. Anwart Merchant and his colleagues studied 42,523 male, U.S.-based, health or medical professionals. Interestingly
enough, over half of these were dentists! Subjects who reported having at least one close friend had a 30% lower risk of
developing periodontitis compared with those who did not have any close friend. Men who participated in religious meetings
or services had a 27% lower risk of developing periodontitis compared with men who did not participate in religious meetings.
Their conclusion? “When treating patients with periodontitis, clinicians should be cognizant of the social and behavioral
factors that may affect oral health.”
Connectedness is essential to children’s well being. A sample of 2,022 students (999 boys and 1,023 girls) ages 12-14 years
were measured at two time points twelve months apart on school connectedness and mental health symptoms (general
functioning, depression, and anxiety symptoms). After adjusting for any prior conditions that could have led to mental health
problems, the authors of the study reported stronger than previous evidence of the association with school connectedness and
adolescent depressive symptoms and a predictive link between school connectedness to future mental health problems. (7)
Early studies suggest that there are substantial percentages of violent youth who do not perceive themselves to be liked by
classmates and report loneliness.
Spiritual Applications
Even Jesus needed connectedness with other human beings. Not only did He reach out to God the Father, during His mental
crisis in the Garden of Gethsemane, but He also reached out to His earthly friends – Peter, James, and John. Without healthy
mutual interdependence, our spiritual defenses to the sin virus will eventually be overwhelmed just like loneliness and social
isolation lower our resistance to viruses and cancer.
In addition, most of the fruits of the Spirit can be best developed in the context of relationships. The apostle John observed
that we can’t really love God unless we have some love for our brothers. (See 1 John 4:20)
Family revivals, family first movements – we need them. The prophet Malachi mentions the importance of this. However, in
our eagerness to bond with and protect our children, we can sometimes go the other extreme which can lead to social
exclusiveness.
Remember the counsel, “There are many others to whom we might make our homes a blessing. . . The Israelites, in all their
festivities, included the poor, the stranger, and the Levite. . . These were regarded as the guests of the people, to share their
hospitality on all occasions of social and religious rejoicing, and to be tenderly cared for in sickness or in need. It is such as
these whom we should make welcome in our homes. How much such a welcome might do to cheer and encourage the
“Our sympathies are to overflow the boundaries of self and the enclosure of family walls. There are precious opportunities for
those who will make their homes a blessing to others. Social influence is a wonderful power. We can use it if we will as a
means of helping those about us. (8)
We may try Family Sabbath School, but let us remember to invite singles to participate, too. Some singles need more exposure
to children. Children teach us so much. They give us so much pleasure as well as perplexity. The church needs this interaction.
Families, how about inviting a single church member to your house at least once every two months? Can’t afford it because of
tight finances or limited time to prepare? Ask them to bring a dish along. A more integrated society encourages the
development of an integrated personality. Our happiness and health depends upon the harmonious development of the
physical, mental, social, and spiritual aspects. Too much introversion, be it in individuals, families, or social cliques,
eventually leads to a social disconnect which limits our spiritual outreach and undermines the health of individuals, the
church, and society.
References
Health News
“Fruit and vegetable consumption is associated with lower rates of coronary heart disease. Results from observational
studies suggest a similar association with stroke. Seven studies were eligible for the meta-analysis, including 90,513
men, 141,536 women, and 2,955 strokes. The risk of stroke was decreased by 11% for each additional portion per day
of fruit, by 5% for fruit and vegetables, and by 3% for vegetables. The association between fruit or fruit and vegetables
and stroke was linear, suggesting a dose-response relationship.” Neurology 2005, October, 25,65(8):E17-18.
Another study consisted of 257,551 individuals (4,917 stroke events) with an average follow-up of thirteen years.
Compared with individuals who had less than three servings of fruit and vegetables per day, the pooled relative risk of
stroke was decreased by 11% for those with three to five servings per day, and 26% lower for those who ate more than
five servings per day. Subgroup analyses showed that fruit and vegetables had significant protective effects on strokes
caused by reduced blood flow to the brain or hemorrhages within the brain. Lancet, January 2006.
Highly sensitive C-reactive protein (hsCRP) is a proven method to predict diabetes and cardiovascular risk. Serum
concentrations of hsCRP were measured in an apparently healthy population whose ages ranged between 19-75 and
who were put on two diets: lacto-ovo-vegetarian diet and traditional mixed diet (non-vegetarian). The average hsCRP
was significantly reduced in the vegetarian group. “Low and age independent concentration of hsCRP in vegetarians is
the consequence of a long-term consumption of fruits and vegetables. These food commodities are important sources of
dietary salicylates as well as other anti-inflammatory compounds.” Bratisl Lek Listy. 2005;106(11):345-7. It is
recommended that anyone with elevated blood cholesterol, triglycerides (blood fats), diabetes, or hypertension get this
test.
What is the relationship between fruit and vegetable intake to cognitive function and decline among aging women?
Participants were followed from 1976 with biennial questionnaires. Food frequency questionnaires were administered in
1984, 1986, and every four years thereafter. From 1995 to 2001, six cognitive tests were administered via telephone
measuring general cognition, verbal memory, category fluency, and working memory. The assessments were repeated
two years later for 13,388 women (>90% follow-up). Fruits were not associated with cognition or cognitive decline.
However, total vegetable intake was significantly associated with fewer declines. Specifically, on a global score
combining all tests, women in the highest quintile of cruciferous vegetables declined slower (compared with the lowest
quintile). Women who ate the greatest amount of green leafy vegetables also experienced slower decline than women
consuming the least amount of greens. Ann Neurol. 2005 May;57(5):713-20.
Stress
“Psychosocial stress exerts independent adverse effects on cardiovascular health. The recent
INTERHEART study reported that psychosocial stress accounted for approximately 30% of the
attributable risk of acute myocardial infarction.” Recent studies consistently indicate that hostility,
depression, and anxiety are all related to increased risk of coronary heart disease and cardiovascular
death. “A sense of hopelessness, in particular, appears to be strongly correlated with adverse
cardiovascular events and outcomes.” Psychosocial stress adversely affects autonomic nervous
system and hormonal regulation of the cardiovascular system, resulting in inflammation, insulin
resistance, and impaired ability of blood vessels to dilate. “Additionally, stress is often associated
with self-destructive behavior and noncompliance with medications. Psychosocial stress is a highly
modifiable risk and many factors have been shown to be protective. These include psychosocial
support, regular exercise, stress reduction training, a sense of humor, optimism, altruism, faith, and
pet ownership. Simple screening questions are available to reliably indicate a patient at risk for
psychosocial stress-related health problems.” Curr Atheroscl Rep, March, 2006.
Solomon observed that “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7). “Anxiety is a complex feeling of
uneasiness, fear, and worry, which has been associated with pulmonary, cardiovascular, and other adverse health
conditions. The aim of this work is to examine the association of the anxious state with inflammation and coagulation
(clotting) factors, in persons free of cardiovascular disease.” Undesirable clot formation contributes to 80% of heart
attacks. Chronic inflammation pushes atherosclerosis. “From May 2001 to December 2002 we randomly enrolled 453
men (19 to 89 years old) and 400 women (18 to 84 years old) stratified by age and gender, from Attica area, Greece.”
This study revealed that anxiety was associated with inflammation and coagulation markers in cardiovascular disease-
free people. Atherosclerosis, April 2006.
Nuts
Nuts and seeds are rich in unsaturated fat and other nutrients that may reduce inflammation. Frequent nut consumption
is associated with lower risk of cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes. Columbia University researchers evaluated
the frequency of nut and seed consumption on inflammatory markers associated with cardiovascular disease. After
adjusting for common cardiovascular risk factors, they found that frequent nut and seed consumption was associated
with lower levels of inflammatory markers, which may partially explain the inverse association of nut consumption with
cardiovascular disease and diabetes risk. Am J Epidemiol. 2006 Feb 1;163(3): 222-31.
Milk Thistle
Milk thistle is a potent antioxidant that destroys free radicals. Free radicals, which are not contained in the power plants
of cells or in the cells’ garbage disposals, damage membranes of cells, DNA, and other essential molecules. Damage
78 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org
from free radical damage is an essential player in chronic degenerative diseases. The antioxidant quality of milk thistle
is 10 times greater than that of vitamin E. Milk thistle, as a natural COX-2 inhibitor, also exerts anti-inflammatory
effects on the body’s tissues.
Milk thistle is especially helpful for anyone who is at risk for developing liver disease. This would include anyone who
is grossly obese (or has a significant pot-belly) diabetic, or is taking drugs – prescription or otherwise. Studies show that
the active constituent in milk thistle, silymarin, reduces elevated liver enzymes. Early studies demonstrate that silymarin
can also reduce liver damage caused by certain mind-altering drugs. Another compound in this herb, silbinin, actually
stimulates protein synthesis and thus repairs and regenerates liver cells. Milk thistle also improves the ability of the liver
to detoxify cancer-producing agents. However, the liver cannot fully recover as long as harmful lifestyle habits persist.
Not only does milk thistle benefit the cells and liver, it also helps to protect the kidneys from free radical damage and
poisons. It even simulates overall kidney repair by improving their ability to synthesize protein.
Over a period of several weeks, milk thistle can reduce high blood sugar. It also can be helpful in reducing several
diabetic complications. Stories show that silybin in milk thistle significantly reduces elevated sorbitol in Type II
diabetes. Excessive sorbitol damages the nerves and can eventfully lead to neuropathy. Neuropathy can be manifested
as numbness, tingling, burning, and pain in extremities It can also interfere the heart rate or rhythm. Diabetes is a pro-
oxidant condition which generates excessive amounts of free radicals. The antioxidants in milk thistle help to counteract
these dangerous molecules.
Side effects from milk thistle are uncommon. However, women who are pregnant or individuals who are taking
medications should check with their pharmacist to prevent any possible adverse herb-drug interaction. Because the
active ingredient, silymarin, does not dissolve well in water, it should not be taken as a tea, but in standardized capsule
form with meals.
References
Foundational to the universe and life itself are relationships. Why do we need personal relationships with others,
especially when they so often go awry? What are the distinctions between healthy and unhealthy relationships? Are
relationships really worth the trouble? Not only can they cost time, money, and energy, but they can often lead to stress
and an obsessiveness with meeting other people’s needs. Why then are they essential to our health and well-being?
First, we were made in the likeness of God, and God Himself has a relational aspect of His character. He is in
relationship to other members of the Trinity and to His created beings. He created us to enjoy relationships. God
chooses to reveal His personal character traits either by contrast or comparison through human individuals – imperfect
as those individuals might be. Loving others is a result of loving Him. (1, 2)
Then, too, the grand attributes of life – love, mercy, sympathy, righteousness, and graciousness – can be understood and
enjoyed only in the context of mutual social interaction. None of these virtues can even exist without some degree of
involvement with others in meaningful relationships. As we extend these qualities to others, they are often reflected
back to us and as a result, we become happier and more helpful individuals.
We also need relationships to complement each other and balance our weaknesses and limitations. Even interpersonal
conflicts can strengthen us if we put forth the effort to explore issues and reassess, wrestle, and affirm or upgrade the
values we esteem. As we struggle with conflicting issues, our values and principles become clearer and we become
more focused on what truly is important.
Isolation, on the other hand, can lead to a variety of problems. The Bible explains that a lack of healthy relationships
can contribute to addictions. A hardening of one’s heart (lack of concern for God and others) can lead to self-
deceitfulness, a loss of sensitivity, and ultimately, submission to sensuality (addictions). (3) Love, joy, peace, kindness,
goodness, and gentleness must first be accepted, internalized, and somewhat practiced before self-control (including
victory over addictions) can be realized. (4)
However great the potential for mutual enjoyment and the benefits relationships confer, they can also become equally as
devastating if entered into with a spirit of codependency. What exactly are codependent relationships and why are they
important to recognize?
Codependency is a persistent attempt to control painful internal thoughts and feelings by manipulating external
circumstances in harmful and maladaptive ways. The codependent individual’s life revolves around one thing, one
pursuit, or one person to the detriment or exclusion of balanced perspectives and priorities. Like cancer cells,
codependency ignores natural boundaries and subverts energy, time, and resources to feed itself. Any kind of
codependency “may include (1) lack of social competence, (2) low resistance to emotional stress, and (3) poor choices
in expressing impulses.” (4)
To avoid confronting the resurfacing, devastating pain, ungodly strategies – like drugs, alcohol, binge-eating,
compulsive gambling, and many others – are entered upon to anesthetize the hurting soul. Since ungodly strategies
never heal, the disease continues to run its course. Adding to the pain of deprivation is the consequential pain resulting
from poor choices and ungodly strategies. Guilt, shame, and a broken relationship accrue interest, so that when another
crisis erupts, as it invariably will, the soul finds itself bankrupt and worse . . . destitute of hope.
Children reared in families with high stress and low nurturing are at high risk for developing codependency. It need not
have been that the family was outright abusive. The parents might have been obsessed with work, social engagements,
chronic illness, or had an unusually high level of unrealistic expectations, or perfectionist, performance-oriented
thinking, depriving their children of sufficient nurturing and guidance. As children perceive manipulation, chronic low
self-worth, suppressed feelings, avoidance behavior, perfectionist thinking in their parents and significant others, the
software of their impressionable minds accepts such behavior as normal. (5) Without adequate help and counseling,
children raised in a dysfunctional family will repeat the behaviors modeled by their parents in their adulthood, although
not necessarily in the same ways. They may resort to drugs, alcohol, food addictions, repeated infatuations, or some
other more acceptable form of dysfunction, such as spending inordinate amounts of time, energy, and money in their
work of rescuing others.
A codependent individual often becomes engaged in unhealthy relationships. He may become addicted to one special
person who may or may not reinforce his over-dependence on him. In their book, Love Is A Choice, psychiatrists Frank
Minirth and Paul Meier describe what propels a person into a codependent relationship. Here are some cardinal warning
signs of a co-dependent relationship. (6)
1. An individual afflicted with codependency suffers from low self-esteem and loss of self-identity. He
compulsively and predominately draws his sense of worth from one particular individual who at first affirms
him. His happiness depends solely on another individual. His moods reflects theirs.
2. In an effort to obtain love, codependent individuals unwittingly mistake infatuation, mutual love-hunger,
physical attraction, and affections as genuine love.
3. They become compulsively obsessed with the other person, unable to let go. They feel unduly responsible for the
actions and feelings of the other. This becomes dangerous because when this happens, the person can no longer
make a decision based upon what is right. Rather, his decisions are based upon how he thinks the other person
will respond. He over-extends himself in his efforts to help the other person. His entire world revolves around
that one individual to the exclusion of balanced priori ties and development of other important relationships.
Wise counseling is essential to help him develop a healthy perspective.
4. When other individuals confront him about his codependency, he vigorously denies that a problem exists, or he
devalues their concern and downplays the seriousness of the situation.
5. The codependent person’s bondage to possessiveness, jealousy, exclusiveness, and his ability to choose, robs
him, his partner, and society of elevated virtues. The following interpersonal dynamics fuel a codependent
relationship. (6)
• A false intimacy. The closeness that is at first so appealing degrades itself into controlling manipulation
that sabotages the boundaries of both parties.
• Possessiveness, jealousy, and suspicion. “If you use up your energies with other individuals and see
how fun they are to be with, you will lose interest in me.” With his exclusivity and narrow focus, the
codependent individual attempts to shut out the company and needs of others in order to spend an
inordinate amount of time alone with his special person.
• Unnatural curiosity about the other person’s life leads to his intervention into his partner’s private
affairs and other relationships – personal habits, business arrangements, and other matters.
Eavesdropping is not recognized as an intrusion of privacy.
• Inability to choose, combined with a shallow illusion of strength, cripples the will of a codependent
individual. Even in physically abusive relationships, a wife might not leave her husband for fear of
emotional consequences. “He is all I have. I have no other resources.” A feeling of panic can arise
when the other partner starts to negotiate boundaries. “If you pull back from me or we turn down the
volume on our relationship, I will lose strength and cease to exist. But if you fill my needs for love,
affirmation, and affection, I will fill yours.”
• A fear of abandonment often underlies codependencies.
Freeing Ourselves
How can we avoid being sucked into the pit of codependency? How can we free ourselves if we find ourselves in a
codependent relationship or have codependent tendencies? This article cannot give tailor-made answers for each
individual, but it can offer broad solutions for help and hope.
A codependent individual is disconnected from others except for one person, and in a sense – from God. His final value
is in himself. His obsession is with his own inadequacy. “Am I able to keep this one relationship going? All my others
have failed.” In ungodly independence he plans and manipulates another to assuage his pain, not thinking of his friend.
His denied longing prompts him to self-justified selfishness. “I’ll get what I can to end this pain,” he cries, unconscious
of his own and others’ legitimate needs. (7)
In order to overcome any injurious habit, we must substitute the bad with good. Avoiding or extricating oneself from an
unhealthy relationship does not consist of withdrawing reflexively from any connection with contempt and disgust, but
in developing a variety of healthy connections with varying degrees of intimacy. Absence of social support is a major
social risk factor in the development of depression. One internist observed after studying the research on the topic that
“there is a compelling connection between depression and the lack of social support.” (8) In addition, distrust of others,
feelings of loneliness, isolation, and suppression of emotions weaken the immune system, while openness, trust,
successful coping skills, and social support strengthen the immune system. (9) To avoid or recover from codependency,
Cultivate balance within your life. Because health and happiness depend upon that harmonious development of the
mental, physical, spiritual, social, emotional, and volitional dimensions of our being, our time should consist of varying
activities that recharge our batteries so that we can serve society better and more wisely. A pie-chart of how we actually
distribute our time can help us take inventory of our priorities, personality, and relationships, reinforcing the need for
balance in our lives.
Consider the motivations of the soul. I admit I sometimes have viewed codependent friendships and romances with a
less than honorable, unsympathetic disgust. However, I suspect that most of us have lurking within us subtle
motivations and sprouting seeds of potential for codependency. With faltering account-keeping of our own souls, we
inadvertently try to manage our assets like we would a retirement portfolio. Psychologist Larry Crabb spells it out in his
book Connecting. He notices that human beings have at least four agendas. (10) When carried to extreme, they
encourage codependencies or other maladaptive responses to the problems of life.
I suppose all of the above agendas have advantages and merits to some extent, but as we increasingly focus more on
these agendas and become less God- and other-oriented, we become egocentric and cripple our usefulness and even
happiness in this world. We use these agendas to take advantage of others. With our psuedo-gods of defense, we are in a
codependent mode of operation, using externals to suppress fears so we don’t have to deal with them! We really
understand the perspectives of God and His instruction only when we are actively connecting with Him.
One danger resulting from codependency is that we derive our self-worth from something or someone outside ourselves.
While it is important to our growth to receive feedback and appreciate constructive criticism, it is dangerous to let
position, money, our work, or loved ones define who we are. The codependent individual feels as if his pain defines
him. Cowering with pain, he seeks a better definition of himself. Permanent progress can be achieved only when one
realizes God actually loves him or else He would not have sent His Son on such an expensive errand to redeem him.
Despite past blunders and present devastation, the grace of God is open to all who seek it. In order to overcome any type
of codependency, the codependent individual must purposefully reject and renounce the values the offender(s) has/have
put upon his life and replace them with God’s evaluation of him. As this happens and he understands something of
God’s love for him, he shifts his trust away from things, position, and unhealthy relationships, toward God.
Treat the root of the disease. Don’t exchange one addiction for another. I have seen individuals give up alcohol to
become addicted to work – a more acceptable form. These individuals work rather than get essential sleep, overextend
themselves, and always compete with the clock. Their self-worth is based upon productivity, often valuing the desired
product above people, becoming irritated when interrupted. Workaholics use work to avoid people or nagging problems
of the soul, find it difficult to relax, and often work to the detriment of good lifestyle practices that would preserve
health, while shelving their family and other essential priorities. (11)
Although alcohol may no longer destroy a workaholic’s health, sleep deprivation weakens his immune system. (9) His
family still will suffer from his absence. Workaholism is now the escape. Emotional and personal needs persist and
negatively motivate the workaholic because they are not being met in healthy ways. But emotional needs as well as
temporal needs must be met, or else our emotional poverty will enter like a thief. Unmet emotional needs embezzle the
soul. Just as we need to spend time to supply our temporal needs, we must take time for our psycho-spiritual needs. (12)
The fear of abandonment needs to be seriously addressed. This is done by countering faulty thinking patterns (common
in codependency) that need to be uprooted. For example, all-or-none thinking says, “If she has other friends, she won’t
love me as much.” That is not true since true love is expansive and inclusive. Generalization thinking says, “I have to
keep my abusive spouse. Anyhow, no one else one will support me.” Unrealistic should-thinking says, “I will do
anything to keep him (even sacrifice principle). I should help him solve all his problems. He won’t survive if he leaves
me.” This type of thinking needs to be countered by unobscured values, logic, clear boundaries, personal accountability,
and healthy alternative perspectives. For many people this will mean securing constructive counseling. The blame-game
here just intensifies the problem.
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For the fear of abandonment nothing works as effectively as internalizing the love and presence of God. I have
experienced codependency to some extent myself. Compensating for several real disabilities and many perceived
limitations, my work became a pseudo-god. Always fearful of not having a job, I fought my insecurities by engaging in
seemingly positive enterprises, tackling more than I could wisely handle, and neglecting personal needs until my
physical and mental health were jeopardized. Shame and persistence clouded even my good actions. I was often
motivated by self-protection. Only by realization of the grace and goodness of Jesus have I had the courage to confront
the inherent evil within me. Without it I would be impervious to genuine empathy. I would be unable to connect with
anyone for mutual benefit. Although I still have some significant battles ahead of me, I have much more peace and joy
in my life than ever before. I have found Him to be the absolute healing of abandonment and its rage that I have
experienced as the adult child of a dysfunctional family. I finally know that even when I feel so alone, misunderstood,
embarrassed, or deserted, “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (13) Indeed, He is the answer.
REFERENCES
Thirty-five years ago, my life was quite a contrast to what I now perceive as normal and sometimes take for granted
today. My sophomore year of college found me succeeding academically but collapsing emotionally and
psychologically. Life at home was far than ideal. My father had long ago disappeared from our family, and my mother,
who suffered from schizophrenia, only caused the depression I was struggling with to grow darker and thicker around
me. Approaching a mental breakdown, I found myself at Wildwood. As the days and months passed and I began to
improve, I faced a dilemma: What should I do now? My stay at Wildwood was soon coming to an end, and I felt that
college and home were not healthy, viable options. Thumbing through the Bible one day, I happened upon Ephesians
4:28, “Let him that stole steal no more; but rather let him labor, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he
may have to give to him that has need.”
I was impressed that this text was a key to one of the many doors I needed to pass through in my quest for health and
happiness. I had not stolen money or belongings, but my depression and lack of practical experience had robbed
humanity of any good I might have had to offer. “Let him labor, working with his hands the thing which is good . . .”
Here is a valuable insight into developing a healthy body and spirit—useful, manual labor for the benefit of others.
Knowing that Wildwood provided this component which I needed in order to regain my health, I decided to remain.
Recently, Reader’s Digest published an article predicting a shortage of skilled workers lacking 4-year degrees. In
Biblical times, every priest was required to be skilled in a manual trade which he could rely upon in times of necessity.
Paul, the classic example, was a tent-maker. If we are all considered “priests” for Christ (1 Peter 2:9), does this principle
still apply? A profession is helpful, but a profession and knowing a practical trade can be even more valuable. Why did
Jesus choose to be a carpenter? Perhaps engaging in a trade which utilizes not only our mental faculties but also our
hands helps to refine and ennoble our character.
Depression and chronic anxieties are serious and prevalent diseases. In order for them to be overcome, automatic,
negative, self-defeating thoughts and actions must be consciously replaced with positive ones. This requires
activation of the front brain.
The two motor systems which control fine and gross movements are located toward the back of the front brain and
in the center of the cerebrum. By engaging in simple carpentry, gardening, sewing, and similar activities, a
depressed or anxious individual can feed positive inputs into the front brain, helping to override negative tendencies.
The sense of accomplishment derived from a task well done improves future positive motivation. The blood flow
within the brain becomes balanced, and the chemistry in the front brain improves. Frequent physical exercise
associated with many types of manual labor enhances the production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter involved in
maintaining self-control and a positive outlook, and norepinephrine, a natural anti-depressant in the brain. Several
factors, however, usually contribute to depression, and each needs to be addressed. Useful, pleasant, mind-engaging
manual labor is a valid therapy in the treatment of depression.
The hippocampus located in the temporal lobe of the brain is a key factor in learning and memory and is an
important mood regulator. Major depression, chronic anxiety, prolonged stress, and alcohol shrink the hippocampus.
Brain-derived nerve growth factor protects brain cells in the hippocampus, acts as fertilizer to the synapses, and
stimulates the development of new synapses within the hippocampus. A variety of combined physical and mental
exercises accompanied by adequate vitamin D, a diet low in sugar and high-fat foods, and good quality sleep, will
increase brain-derived nerve growth factor. The mind will become brighter and clearer, and learning will become
faster and more efficient. The sooner children and teenagers adopt these lifestyle principles, the sharper will be their
intellects and the more ennobled their characters. Industrial arts training, home economics, and school gardening
programs will not only improve the health of our front brains, but also provide a blessing to our communities and
those with whom we can share the works of our hands.
Lower activity in the brain is exhibited during depression and even after recovery. Blood flow within the brain shifts
to areas being used, and lower activity in the left brain results in less blood, along with its oxygen and nutrients.
Depressed young boys compared with those which did not suffer from depression, had less activity in the left side of
the brain and greater activity in the right side, which resulted in significantly reduced grip strength in their right
hands. Similar observations have been made regarding social phobias and post-traumatic-stress syndrome. However,
altruistic, mind-engaging, useful, manual labor increases brain activity and improves blood flow to the left
hemisphere of the brain.
Evidence is mounting that regular, physical exercise, which accompanies manual tasks such as housekeeping,
organizing, and yard work, could prevent, slow down and to some extent even heal the deterioration of the brain
caused by aging. The neural circuits involved in manual labor, which compose the brain’s infrastructure, often
enable us to unlock or develop other circuits in learning. Useful labor can be a gateway to higher learning.
When I was 2½ years old, I developed a brain infection which resulted in significant damage to certain areas of my
brain. An area in the front brain which regulated motor aspects of speech and an area concerned with distinguishing
various phonetic sounds were severely damaged. As a result, my speech was garbled. I would say “mook” for milk,
“fill” for feel, “eagernant” for ignorant, and “of curse” for “of course,” and I was not able to hear the difference. I
In my forties, I was impressed to take a reading class. I put every effort into learning not only when to make a sound,
but also how. In order to hear the difference between “fill” and “feel” and produce the word correctly, I had to feel
the position of my facial muscles and tongue and analyze my face in the mirror. To this day, if I want to enunciate a
long “i” sound, I make sure to exhibit a wide smile.
Perhaps some feel the way I did in my early years at Wildwood. Maybe you work faithfully, but feel you are an
unskilled laborer. The prophet, Amos, was a migrant picker of second-rate figs. Yet God used him mightily. Or perhaps
you do not possess the coordination and dexterity you feel is necessary to be skillful in your work. At one time, my
hands were clumsy as a result of the brain infection I experienced as a child. My hands have slowly become more
efficient and coordinated, but they will never be the most graceful or dexterous in detailed work. As a young
housekeeper and patient care worker, I wanted to give the best service I could through my hands. But what could I do
with the challenges I possessed?
I found this wonderful promise: “Having little self-confidence, they give God all the glory. Their hands may be rough
and unskilled, but their hearts are susceptible to pity; they are filled with an earnest desire to do something to relieve
the woe so abundant; and Christ is present to help them. He works through those who discern mercy in misery, gain in
the loss of all things. When the Light of the world passes by, privileges appear in all hardships, order in confusion, the
success and wisdom of God in that which has seemed to be a failure” (Testimonies, Volume 2, p. 272).
*This article appeared in a copyrighted issue of The Journal of Health & Healing published by Wildwood Lifestyle
Center & Hospital
• “The Lord is seeking to teach my husband to have a spirit of forgiveness, and forgetfulness of the dark passages in
his experience. The remembrance of the unpleasant past only saddens the present, and he lives over again the
unpleasant portion of his life’s history. In so doing he is clinging to the darkness and is pressing the thorn deeper
into his spirit. This is my husband’s infirmity, and it is displeasing to God. This brings darkness and not light. He
may feel apparent relief for the time in expressing his feelings; but it only makes more acute the sense of how great
his sufferings and trials have been, until the whole becomes magnified in his imagination, and the errors of his
brethren, who have aided in bringing these trials upon him, look so grievous that their wrongs seem to him past
endurance.” 3T 97
• “My husband has cherished this darkness so long by living over the unhappy past that he has but little power to
control his mind when dwelling upon these things. Circumstances and events which once he would not have minded,
• “Life is like a voyage. We have storm and sunshine, but we bear in mind that we are nearing the desired haven. We
shall soon be beyond the storms and tempests. Our present duty is to hearken to the voice that says, ‘Learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart’ (Matt. 11:29). We must accept this invitation daily. The past is contained in the
book where all things are written down. We cannot blot out the record, but we can learn many things if we choose.
The past should teach us its lessons. As we make the past our monitor, we may also make it our friend. As we call to
mind that in the past which has been disagreeable, let it teach us not to repeat it. In the future let nothing be traced
which will cause regret in the by-and-by. We may now avoid a bad showing. Every day we live we are making our
history. Today is ours, yesterday is beyond our amendment or control. Then let us not grieve the Spirit of God today,
for tomorrow we shall not be able to recall this day; it will be yesterday to us. Jesus Christ has plentiful help and
grace for all who will appreciate it. The Lord is our helper; with Him is forgiveness. He alone can blot out the sins of
the past. He can strengthen the mind. If we regard the past as no longer our enemy but as a friend to warn us off the
ground we should not approach, it will prove a true friend.” TMK 89