10 KEY QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND

YOUR PARTNER’S EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY

1 ARE THEY EMOTIONALLY GIVING? Do they give emotions freely or do they keep score, or giveth with one
hand and taketh away with the other? Do you feel as if you’re trying to get blood out of a stone?

2 ARE THEY THREATENED BY INTIMACY? Do intimacy and vulnerability trigger problems? Do they back
away when you get closer? Do they associate intimacy with loss and pain?

3 DO THEY OWN THEIR FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOUR? Taking responsibility for theirs demonstrates
availability for mutual love, care, trust and respect.

4 DO THEY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE FEELING? Shutting down certain emotions creates numbness, making it
tricky to decipher their feelings. It also creates distortion which can lead to overestimating interest or capacity for
commitment, or overestimating ‘threats’. This heightens feelings that lead to sabotaging and distancing behaviour.

5 DO THEY SHARE THEIR FEELINGS AND KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS THEM? People who share their
feelings with themselves share theirs with others. Someone who isn’t in the habit will struggle to express them in a
boundaried way. They might see sharing feelings as a ‘threat’ (see #2). Hoarded feelings cause people to implode or
explode, both of which can have a detrimental impact, not just on their wellbeing but on your relationship and you.

6 DO THEY TAKE ACTION FROM A CONSCIOUS AND CONSCIENTIOUS PLACE? Are they living in the
past or future? Or are they mindful? If they’re in the present, they will be conscientious. This means that they won’t
say and do things without a level of thought for the consequences or impact on you. Are they able to empathise? No
empathy, no relationship.

7 CAN THEY EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS TO PEOPLE THEY LOVE? Do they hide their feelings from people
they’re supposed to really care about and love? This helps you to have a bigger picture view rather than making what
might be their lack of expression a you-problem. Note: Many people base their perception of someone’s emotional
abilities on superficial knowledge of the person’s other interpersonal relationships or by conflating, for example,
closeness in non-romantic relationships with their romantic capabilities.

8 EVEN IF THEY’VE FOUND IT DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS AT TIMES, HAS THIS
IMPROVED OVER TIME? We all struggle on occasion, but the person who strives to better where they were
before will know their fear but endeavour to avoid overwhelming themselves or the relationship. Growing trust, faith
and vulnerability shows progress.

9 IF THEY FEEL BAD AFTER EXPRESSING FEELINGS, ARE THEY ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF 1)
THEMSELVES AND 2) THE RELATIONSHIP? Sometimes we don’t feel good after we express ourselves. This is
OK. We are human. Now, we can take those feelings and be destructive, or we can take care so that those feelings
subside and our self-esteem and relationship remain intact. Which one does your partner opt for?

10 ARE THEY IN DENIAL ABOUT HOW EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY CAUSED PROBLEMS IN

PAST RELATIONSHIPS? If they’re acting as if there haven’t been issues, there’s nothing to stop those same issues
showing up in your relationship. Perspective shows that they’ve not only let go but that they’ve also learned.

The B gg g R Sessions | episode 46

WWW.BAGGAGERECLAIM.CO.UK/46