Thoughtless Vampire

A Screenplay by Random Writer

INT. A SWEET SHOP - AFTERNOON

Patient navigator DR MAUD CHAN is arguing with remarkable

shopkeeper SIR FOREST KHAN. MAUD tries to hug FOREST
but he shakes her off.

MAUD
Please Forest, don't leave me.
FOREST
I'm sorry Maud, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave.
Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running
away.
MAUD
I am such a person!

FOREST frowns.

FOREST
I'm sorry, Maud. I just don't feel excited by this relationship
anymore.

FOREST leaves.

MAUD sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, admirable painter MADAME SUKI WU barges in

looking flustered.

MAUD
Goodness, Suki! Is everything okay?
SUKI
I'm afraid not.
MAUD
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
SUKI
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire rob a bunch of kittens!
MAUD
Defenseless kittens?
SUKI
Yes, defenseless kittens!
MAUD
Bloomin' heck, Suki! We've got to do something.
 SUKI
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
MAUD
You can start by telling me where this happened.
SUKI
I was...

SUKI fans herself and begins to wheeze.

MAUD
Focus Suki, focus! Where did it happen?
SUKI
Tate Modern, St Ives! That's right - Tate Modern, St Ives!

MAUD springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

MAUD rushes along the street, followed by SUKI. They take a

short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along
the way.

INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - SHORTLY AFTER

LAUREN BLAST a thoughtless vampire terrorises two kittens.

MAUD, closely followed by SUKI, rushes towards LAUREN, but

suddenly stops in her tracks.

SUKI
What is is? What's the matter?
MAUD
That's not just any old vampire, that's Lauren Blast!
SUKI
Who's Lauren Blast?
MAUD
Who's Lauren Blast? Who's Lauren Blast? Only the most
thoughtless vampire in the universe!
SUKI
Blinkin' knickers, Maud! We're going to need some help if we're
going to stop the most thoughtless vampire in the universe!
 MAUD
You can say that again.
SUKI
Blinkin' knickers, Maud! We're going to need some help if we're
going to stop the most thoughtless vampire in the universe!
MAUD
I'm going to need nets, lots of nets.

Lauren turns and sees Maud and Suki. She grins an evil grin.

LAUREN
Maud Chan, we meet again.
SUKI
You've met?
MAUD
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young MAUD is sitting in a park listening to some R & B

music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees LAUREN. She takes off her headphones.

LAUREN
Would you like some jelly babies?

MAUD's eyes light up, but then he studies LAUREN more

closely, and looks uneasy.

MAUD
I don't know, you look kind of thoughtless.
LAUREN
Me? No. I'm not thoughtless. I'm the least thoughtless vampire
in the world.
MAUD
Wait, you're a vampire?

MAUD runs away, screaming.

INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - PRESENT DAY

 LAUREN
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
SUKI
(To MAUD) You ran away?
MAUD
(To SUKI) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

MAUD turns to LAUREN.

MAUD
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this
time!

MAUD runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

MAUD
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with nets.
LAUREN
I'm not scared of you.
MAUD
You should be.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - LATER THAT

DAY

MAUD and SUKI walk around searching for something.

MAUD
I feel sure I left my nets somewhere around here.
SUKI
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly
nets.
MAUD
You know nothing Suki Wu.
SUKI
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, LAUREN appears, holding a pair of nets.

LAUREN
Looking for something?
SUKI
Crikey, Maud, she's got your nets.
 MAUD
Tell me something I don't already know!
SUKI
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
MAUD
I know that already!
SUKI
I'm afraid of sausages.
LAUREN
(appalled) Dude!

While LAUREN is looking at SUKI with disgust, MAUD lunges

forward and grabs her deadly nets. He wields them,
triumphantly.

MAUD
Prepare to die, you thoughtless carrot!
LAUREN
No please! All I did was rob a bunch of kittens!

FOREST enters, unseen by any of the others.

MAUD
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were
defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me!
Maud Chan defender of innocent kittens.
LAUREN
Don't hurt me! Please!
MAUD
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these nets on
you right away!
LAUREN
Because Maud, I am your mother.

MAUD looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects

herself.

MAUD
No you're not!
LAUREN
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

LAUREN tries to grab the nets but MAUD dodges out of the
way.
 MAUD
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, LAUREN slumps to the ground.

SUKI
Did she just faint?
MAUD
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a
more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly nets.

MAUD crouches over LAUREN's body.

SUKI
Be careful, Maud. It could be a trick.
MAUD
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Lauren Blast
is dead!
MAUD
What?
MAUD
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

SUKI claps her hands.

SUKI
So your nets did save the day, after all.

FOREST steps forward.

FOREST
Is it true? Did you kill the thoughtless vampire?
MAUD
Forest how long have you been...?

FOREST puts his arm around MAUD.

FOREST
Long enough.
MAUD
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Lauren Blast.
FOREST
Then the kittens are safe?
MAUD
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

FOREST
You are their hero.

The kittens bow to MAUD.

MAUD
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The
knowledge that Lauren Blast will never rob kittens ever again,
is enough for me.
FOREST
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes MAUD a magic ring

FOREST
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
MAUD
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

MAUD
Well, if you insist.

MAUD takes the ring.

MAUD
Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

MAUD turns to FOREST.

MAUD
Does this mean you want me back?
FOREST
Oh, Maud, of course I want you back!

MAUD smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

MAUD
Well you can't have me.