I close my eyes (but the wounds still won't heal)

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/43433205.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Major Character Death
Category: F/F
Fandom: 山河令 | Word of Honor (TV 2021)
Relationship: Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu
Character: Zhou Zishu, Wen Kexing
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Emotional Hurt,
Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sex, Heavy Angst,
Hurt No Comfort, Self-Harm, Fem WenZhou, Implied/Referenced
Suicide
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2022-12-05 Words: 1630

I close my eyes (but the wounds still won't heal)

by scarletchidori

Summary

There is total silence. This is the final nail in her heart, she lets go of the hope she felt inside
her soul and an immense pain seems to crash down on Zhou Zishu - taking her breath away.
Her lungs are burning, they hurt, and she needs air… the one only Wen Kexing was able to
give her. Zhou Zishu lays a hand on her chest, even her heart hurts, it hurts so much and the
only thing she wants to do is to take it out of her chest.

Notes

Hello.

A really really late entry for day four of the Fem!WenZhou week. You know me... I love
writing angst, and I decided to just go and leave little to no comfort.

Also, there is something you need to know about me. I avoid writing smut and usually
avoid write scenes that would lead to smut (I like reading smut, not so much writing it), but
this time... I wanted to at least try. Going out my comfort zone is a bit scary - but also...
makes me happy.

I am finally able to just let myself go and going out my usual comfort zone, maybe not too
much but at least a little bit. I don't go too deep into the suicide attempt, but I do mention it,
albeit briefly.

Honestly I am not to really sure about the title, so I might change it later if something better
comes to my mind.
 no beta.

See the end of the work for more notes

Zhou Zishu feels an incredible amount of energy running through her veins. When was the last
time she felt such a wave of energy? Perhaps before putting the nails into her chest. She feels good
- her heart is beating fast and hard, secure in her no longer tormented chest.

She slowly open her eyes, soul ready to stare at her beloved. It will be as if she is looking at her for
the first time - her face was always a little blurry. Her facial features were always a little blurry,
especially in the last period when her senses were slowly disappearing, leaving nothing but silence
and darkness. Zhou Zishu wants to hear her voice murmuring her name with that sweet voice of
hers. As if saying her name was everything Wen Kexing ever needed to say to feel pure happiness.

But when she opens her eyes she sees Wen Kexing, but she is different. Her hair is completely
white as if she had aged in a second. Lao Wen's hands being to slip off hers, and Zhou Zishu
desperately holds her wrist, so tightly that her knuckles turn white.

“Lao Wen?” she murmurs with a smile. “Lao Wen, I’m here. I’m fine.”

She did not think that silence could be so loud. Her ears seem to whistle, and her senses are crushed
by the desolations around her. A-Xu doesn’t like to hear this oppressive silence, she doesn’t like to
hear only her breathing and her heart that is beating too fast.

“Lao Wen?”

She helps Lao Wen lying down on the cold floor, and she caresses her cheeks while her fingers are
trembling. She kisses her lips, hoping this is all she needs to do to see her beloved open her eyes
once more.

“Lao Wen?” she calls her again, pulling her by the arm. “Lao Wen?”
She puts two fingers close to her nose, to feel if she is still breathing, but nothing. Desperately she
leans towards her, breathing air into Wen Kexing’s lungs hoping this will be enough. Zhou Zishu
lies down beside her, holding her tightly to her, refusing to accept reality. She is not dead, she is
not. She just has to wait a few hours for her to regain the strength she has lost, and after that, she
will be fine. A-Xu kisses her lips until her own starts to tingle, but nothing. Lao Wen’s lips are
cold, and so is her skin.

But after one day Zhou Zishu can do nothing but accept reality. Accept that Lao Wen’s life is now
her own and that she is alive because of her beloved sacrifice. But a part of her still rejects this
possibility, it cannot be, she cannot have done it. Lao Wen cannot have condemned her to eternal
loneliness.

“Lao Wen,” A-Xu shouts so loudly that her throat hurts. “No, no, no.”

She punches her chest and then rests her head on it, ear pressed down trying to hear her heartbeat,
but nothing. There is total silence. This is the final nail in her heart, she lets go of the hope she felt
inside her soul and an immense pain seems to crash down on Zhou Zishu - taking her breath away.
Her lungs are burning, they hurt, and she needs air… the one only Wen Kexing was able to give
her. Zhou Zishu lays a hand on her chest, even her heart hurts, it hurts so much and the only thing
she wants to do is to take it out of her chest. To hold it as it beats and destroy it with her bare hand,
digging her nails into it until there is nothing left but blood.

She buries her outside, under the snow. Her fingers are icy cold from digging her grave, not even
thinking that she could have used anything else to make it. When Wen Kexing disappears
underground, Zhou Zishu also buries her heart. She sits beside Wen Kexing, snow falls on her but
she feels nothing. Her senses are even stronger than before, yet Zishu cannot feel the cold on her
skin - only in her heart.

At one point she gets up and re-enters what will be her prison. That place that from now on will
have to bear her pain, her screams, and loneliness.

Days turn into weeks, weeks into years and Zhou Zishu loses touch with reality. This eternity is a
curse, nothing more. A thought forms in her head - she is immortal, yes. But she is vulnerable; she
knows this because she has punched the wall so many times, making her knuckles bleed so that the
physical pain would drown out the emotional one.

She can bleed. She can die. She wants to die - to free herself from this painful existence.

She takes Baiyi and turns the blade against herself, her wrist, closing her eyes before running the
sharp blade over her all too vulnerable skin. Pain lingers through her senses, silencing thought
briefly the sense of emptiness and perpetual suffering.

She opens her eyes to see the wound bleeding profusely, wanting to die… wanting to leave. But
suddenly a part of her, who knows how important, reminds her that Wen Kexing died for her.
Tears roll down her cheeks as she taps her acupoints to stop the bleeding - she kisses the wound
murmuring that she is sorry - that she will never do that again. Zhou Zishu apologizes to Wen
Kexing, too.

She sits next to Lao Wen’s grave - the sun is warm but all she feels is cold. She misses Wen
Kexing so much, she misses her warmth and hugs - the way she used to kiss her until Zhou Zishu’s
lips tingled and her cheeks turned red.

“I miss you,” she whispers. “It’s cold without you, Lao Wen. It’s so cold…”

Her wrist hurt, but she refuses to do more than just stop the bleeding. It will heal on its own,
reminding her of what she almost did - the fact that she was about to throw Lao Wen’s sacrifice
away. She lays on the snow, caressing where she knows Wen Kexing’s body is buried.

“I want to hold you, Lao Wen,” Zhou Zishu whispers into the snow. “I miss you so much. Why did
you leave me alone? I don’t want this eternity without you. It has been too many years without you
by my side, and I am so tired, so so tired.”

She misses hearing her voice, their intimate moments when Zhou Zishu felt safe and loved. She
misses being called A-Xu - she yearns to hear it one more time and to feel alive. But there is
nothing but her pain. There is no sound but that of her heart, tired of going on and living in total
agony.

“I love you,” she murmurs, kissing the snow above Wen Kexing’s grave. “I love you…”

She remains silent, hoping to hear Lao Wen’s voice again, but there is nothing but her pain. There
is no sound but that of her heart, tired of going on and living in sheer agony.

But maybe, just maybe, Wen Kexing will come back to her. Zhou Zishu will go on living, dragging
this existence that weighs far too much, until she sees Lao Wen again. She will hold on to this
hope, however feeble and weak it may be, inside her heart. Closing her eyes, Zhou Zishu thinks
back to the moment when Wen Kexing became hers, and she became Wen Kexing’s.

Zhou Zishu turns toward Lao Wen, smiling at her. The hairpin that was previously in Wen Kexing’s
hair is now in hers; a declaration of love.

“I claim you as mine, my precious A-Xu.”

“I have always been yours,” Zhou Zishu admits, laying a hand on Wen Kexing’c chest to feel her
heart. “Always.”

Wen Kexing’s heart begins to beat fast, and Zhou Zishu smiles adoringly as she realizes that Lao
Wen’s heart is beating so fast because of the words she has spoken.

“Oh yeah?” Wen Kexing asks, kissing her near her mouth.

Zhou ZIshu’s hand rests on Lao Wen’s back, bringing her closer to her body.
“Lao Wen?”

“Mh?”

“Never leave me, okay?” she asks. “Don’t leave now… that I want to live.”

“I will never leave you, my A-Xu.”

Wen Kexing leans slightly towards Zhou Zishu, kissing her lips passionately. Pulling A-Xu’s body
closer to hers, A-Xu clutches Wen Kexing’s robes so tightly she fears they might break under her
own fingers.

The taste of Lao Wen’s lips is more intoxicating than anything she has ever been lucky enough to
experience and taste. The inside of her mouth is as hot as fire, and Zhou Zishu brings her own body
closer to Lao Wen’s.

“Make love to me, Lao Wen,” she whispers in her ear. “Give me your affection - mark me with
your love.”

Lao Wen’s fingers, warm and sensual, caress her skin leaving a trail that burns like fire - it makes
Zhou Zishu want more.

Lao Wen kisses her passionately, leaving her breathless, but A-Xu finds the air she needed in Wen
Kexing’s lungs, who gently takes her in her arms and helps her lie down on their bed.

She slowly removes her lover's robes, and Zhou Zishu moans when Wen Kexing begins to kiss her
breasts, leaving little room for imagination for what will happen next.
 “Lao Wen,” she moans. “Don’t stop.”

“Oh, I will not stop, my love,” she murmurs, licking the shell of her ear. “You will forget
everything but my name.”

“Please,” she moans. “Do it. Make me forget everything, even my own name, please… please.”

She had said she would never leave her. Now this is all Zhou Zishu has left; memories and nothing
more.

Memories to which she will cling until Wen Kexing returns to her.

End Notes

Kudos are really appreciated, and if you want, let me know what you think!!!

Stay safe and take care. Remember that your health comes first, always.

Much love.

You can find on twitter: @snowyfuxue

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