EXT.

PIT OF SKULLS - NIGHT 

A cliff that oversees a pit of skulls.

MALE NARRATOR

In the land of Sparta... when babies were born... the elders would inspect them for defects. If any

imperfections were found... the baby was rejected.

Spartan Man uncovers the baby. The baby is SHREK.SHREK(Scottish accent): Ah. Are you
my mama? 'Cause I'm ready to suckle ateat.

Shrek projectile vomits on the Spartan Man and cackles.

The Spartan Man wipes the vomit off of his face and kicks Shrek off of the cliff.

The Spartan Man reveals a baby with Asian features.

MALE NARRATOR And if the baby... was Vietnamese... Brangelina had first dibs.

The Spartan Man gives the Vietnamese Baby to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, both wearing contemporary
clothing. 

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fawn over the baby while Spartan Manshakes his head.

Spartan Man uncovers BABY LEONIDAS. The baby has a large thick beard as if he were a Spartan adult.

MALE NARRATOR

Behold Leonidas...BABY LEONIDAS (Adult voice) AH-OOH!

MALE NARRATOR

The perfect Spartan. It reveals that Baby Leonidas already has well defined abs. Spartan Man nods his
head, chucklesand stamps the baby's buttocks with a stamper.

INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS – DAY

 A sand-covered trai

ning area for fighting. A fist flies toward and hits YOUNG LEONIDAS

Young Leonidas also has a large full beard as if he were an adult.

MALE NARRATOR

From an early age... Leonidas was taught to fight. Leonidas is sparring with an ELDERLY WOMAN.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Come on, you little shit! Come on! You can't beat me. You're never gonna be a Spartan, never.

YOUNG LEONIDAS
Take this, Granny!

Young Leonidas punches the Elderly Woman and her dentures fly out .

INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS – DAY

TEENAGE LEONIDAS sits bound in a chair. He has braces and acne.

MALE NARRATOR

He was tortured, taught to show no pain. Swinging a thick knotted rope is LE CHIFFRE from the
film Casino Royale. Blood violently squirts from his left eye and down his face.

LE CHIFFRE

Tell me, Mr. Bond... what is the account number?

TEENAGE LEONIDAS Who the hell is Mr. Bond? I'm Leonidas.

LE CHIFFRE

You're testing my patience, Double-Oh.

TEENAGE LEONIDAS

But I am not Double-

Le Chiffre hits Teenage Leonidas in the testicles with therope.

TEENAGE LEONIDAS(Screams)OH!

Le Chiffre laughs and strikes him again. Close-up on Teenage Leonidas's swollen testicles.

TEENAGE LEONIDAS

Oh! Little Miss Sunshine!

Le Chiffre holds a can of Pedigree dog food next to Teenage Leonidas' face.

TEENAGE LEONIDAS

(TREMBLING)

Oh, oh-

Le Chiffre holds a large spoonful of dog food up to his face.

LE CHIFFRE

Here's a nice one.

Le Chiffre spreads the dog food on Teenage Leonidas'stesticles.

TEENAGE LEONIDAS Oh- - (whimpering) No, no, no.

LE CHIFFRE
That's right.

Le Chiffre holds a dog next to Teenage Leonidas.

LE CHIFFRE

Mr. Bond, I'd like you to meet Captain Adorable. - (dog growls) -Good boy. Good boy. Who's a goodboy?

The dog licks Teenage Leonidas's testicles. Leonidas struggles in his chair but smiles also. The dog bites
Teenage Leonidas's testicles with a LOUDCRUNCH. Teenage Leonidas yells.