[upbeat music]

- I'm intimidated by the steps.

- It's not high.

- Hello!
- Hello!

They were asking if we have worked before?

We never did, right.

- Or TV series?
- Not at all.

- You guested on Home Sweetie Home.

- Yes.

For a short time.

Congrats, really. Promise.

- Congratulations on your book!

- Thank you.

- Really!
- Wow, there's...

- Should I be worried about those page markers?

- No, these are for the beautiful quotes.

I said, "These are some beautiful

quotes right here."

She's a doctor and entrepreneur.

An author and an actress.

Maricar appeared in almost

30 television shows and 15 films.

But before Maricar became an

award-winning actress,

she was known for being a

TV and print ad model,

not just in the Philippines

but in Southeast Asia.

It was in 2009 when she won

Best New Female TV Personality

at PMPC Star Awards for Television,

and Best Actress in 2011 at

Cinema One Originals.

With everything that she went through,

13 years after the scandal,

she is finally breaking her silence

in her self-titled book...

and bares what's really inside her heart.

Happy evening, Philippines!

Tonight, we're with a very versatile,

talented actress,

entrepreneur,

and now an author with a very

beautiful book, MARICAR, self-titled.

Yeah.

MARICAR—because this is your story,

this is your journey.

Thank you very much for being here!

[applause]

I'm very flattered.

Thank you for having me in your...

Wow!

- Gorgeous studio, really.

- In our home.

- Yes, in your very beautiful new home.

- We call it our "home."

When I hear the name, Maricar,

I'm reminded of:

- A great actress.
- Wow.

Serious. Good in crying.

- That's mostly your roles, right?

- For real?

- Actually, yeah.
- Right?

When I see you on a TV series.

If I have a guess:

I'm the one who's good but dies early.

[laughs]
I said, "Every time I see Maricar on TV,
her eyes are always bawling."

Every time I open the TV, that's her scene.

- They get me for tragic roles.

- Yes.

This face for tragic roles?

No, but Mr. M was the one who discovered you?

- Yes, he is.
- Where?

I was modeling then.

A lot of us got our start as a

commercial model.

- You go to school and also model.

- Correct.

But I ended in showbiz.

My agent got a call from Mr. M.

- I actually talked about that.

- Yeah, it's in the book.

Because that's very meaningful to me...

In a way, it's hard to enter in showbiz

- especially at that time.

- While Mr. M called you.

Correct. So it's a big--

It's a big deal.

My agent got excited because,

"Wow! Mr. M calling."

And then he was like:

"Oh, we have a big news!

He wants to see you in person."

I was like, "What should I do?"

- You are so fortunate.

- Very!

Because that's rare.

Usually, you will line up for auditions.

You'll work your way up.

You'll experience rejections.

But you received a personal call from him.

- Did you met Mr. M?

- Yes.

One of the first things, upon seating,

we chatted for about 2 minutes only.

Then he said, "Can you sing?"

[laughs]

- Did you sing?

- I said, "Uhm... yes."

Like that.

I sang for about 2 lines only,

then he stopped me.

He said:

"You know you can't sing,

but you can carry a tune."

[laughs]

Boom!

Actually, since then...

In all honesty,

I haven't met anyone in showbiz

who is that frank.

- Straightforward.
- He is the most frank.

So, after meeting him, what happened next?

I was sent to a workshop.

Ah, what's this?

We were just thirteen there.

- So it was a very selected workshop.

- Who were your with?

Xian Lim was there.

- You were with Xian?

- Beauty.
They were in their teens while I was in my 20s.

No, but you look really young.

It's your face...

Thank you, Lord.

And after that...

they put me in small roles after.

I did Betty La Fea, for a time.

- H-mm...
- Couple of episodes.

I think the most...

major, or as a main cast,

- I was given...
- Precious Hearts Romances.

Yup, Precious Hearts.

- An afternoon show.
- M-mm...

- What about with KC? Lovers in Paris!

- Yes. Another show.

Lovers in Paris.

But while growing up...

you wanted to be a doctor, right?

- I read it here.
- Yes.

My uncle is a doctor.
So I said, "I'll be a doctor too."

And then from there, until med school...

I wasn't thinking about it anymore.

I just assumed that I wanted it.

During 2nd year med, that's when I thought...

"This is not what I want anymore."

- Ah! During 2nd year med?

- Yes.

And I also wrote that in the book:

"Instead of thinking about my lessons,

I was thinking about what business

should I set up in the med building?"

It was just a thought at first.

But after hours of researching,

I've neglected my studies.

And I was also modeling at the same time,

during med school.

So my time was really split up;

I've also lost focus.

You know, you said something in the book:

"It was my first encounter that somebody said

I'm this type of person—a phlegmatic kid."

What's a phlegmatic kid?

It's like, uhm, quiet.

In a way, passive.

They are more of a follower.

I'm not actually used

with the term "phlegmatic."

But that's the correct term;

that's why I wrote it in the book.

Usually, we go with something like

gentle supportive.

You would keep your feelings to yourself

because you don't want conflict

- and confrontation.
- Yes.

So even if you don't like something,

you just bear it?

There's one incident here

where your foot was hurting.

Wounds and all but you brave it.

- Then your mom got surprised because of it.

- Yes.

I didn't say anything.

Wow! You really read it.

- [laughs]
- From cover to cover.

That's your personality since you're young?

- You're not talky?

- Yeah!

In general, yes.

Isn't it hard since you're now in showbiz?

- In showbiz, you have to have an

extrovert personality. -Yes

- Like, "Hi!! Hello!!!"

- [laughs]

- Oh my God.
- Just upon entering the place.

- Like, "Hello!!!"
- Or else you will be labeled

as someone serious, intimidating...

[laughs]

If you only knew how insecure I was about it.

- Can't we just be quiet?

- [laughs]

So, how was the adjustment

for you in showbiz?

Thankfully, the characters given

to me aren't like...

"Hi~!!!"

I'm not the noisy type of best friend?

Those are not the roles I get.

I know the kind of roles they give you:

"The one with the wisdom."

Yeah, the wisdom.

Or, if it's a big personality, a villain role.

So, it's big, you know,

one who uses word play.

Technically, you entered show business

2007–2008?
'08, technically.

It's '08.
'07 was my initial talk with Mr. M.

- You're just a year in showbiz in 2009?

- Yeah.

- And then "it" happened.

- Yeah.

You were just starting,

and then that happened.

- M-mm...
- One that is life changing.

- Unexpected, really.
- Yes.

- World-shattering.
- Like, "Oh my God"

- Yeah, right?
- M-mm...

- 2009 was that "incident."

- Correct.

- That started in the internet.

- M-mm...

You said in this book:

- "You were in Subic, doing triathlon."

- Yes.

Actually, I was very on top of the world.

I had a TV series where I was

part of the main cast.

Lovers in Paris.

We're still taping and it hasn't been aired yet.

I just came from taping;

I went straight to the race.

- Triathlon.
- I finished the race.

My time was good.

I was thrilled.

Everything was looking good.

And then it happened.
[laughs]

So, how did you know?

- Someone called you, yes?

- That's right.

- Someone called, and then...

- Showbiz friend or...?

A friend from the gym.

I was training at a gym for the triathlon.

What did your friend say?

"Hey! There's something..."

"I saw something on a tabloid,

and I don't know if it's true."

"Do you know this?"

And then I laughed it off. I'm like...

"That's not true.

It's just part of being in showbiz."

- Yeah.
- "That's not true."

Like that.

When my agent was the one calling:

"Car, there's something..."

"I had to watch it because

I had to make sure if it's you."

H-mm...

That's when it faded.

- Like being poured with cold water.

- True.

- Like in the movies?

- It went blurred.

Yeah. And suddenly [dug-dug-dug-dug]

[laughs]

Cue in music!

♪ dug-dug-dug-dug ♪
That's what it's like if it's a movie scene.

Everything went quiet.

Probably, because it's still denial.

- There's disbelief.
- M-mm...

There.

You didn't talk to anyone on the way home?

- But your phone?

- Yup.

- Non-stop.
- M-mm...

[message alerts]

I just put it on silent.

Then I went driving.

So, I was just staring at the road.

- Disbelief.
- Yeah.

I think, there's a part of me still hoping:

"Maybe it's not real. Maybe it's not me."

Like that.

- "I hope it's not real"

- Yeah.

What happened when you got home?

So, I put my things down. I went up.

Didn't see anybody.

Glad I was alone in the elevator

because I lived in a building.

And then I just lied down.

I didn't open the lights.

Then, like this...

- Was it a traumatic experience?

- I think so.

And because my mind couldn't

handle it, it just shut down.
- M-mm... Yes.
- Like that.

I actually don't remember when I cried.

Perhaps...

It took a long time when I cried it out.

I was still working.

I had a taping like a day or two, after.

You had a taping?

Yes, Precious Hearts.

I was currently doing Precious Hearts.

- That's tough being without peace.

- Correct.

It's hard when you're going through

something even if you know you're at work,

- "Your mind is not there."

- Yes.

You said something in the book:

"I hated everyone who watched, shared,

made nasty comments, insensitive jokes,

or had anything to do with the

spread of the video."

"Now absolutely everything was ruined.

I was ruined. My life is ruined."

- You think that was the end of you?

- Yup.

Because when I stopped taping,

I stopped working.

So, you're at home; you're not doing anything.

That's when it hits you.

Who were you talking to during those times?

My family. My brother.

That's when my brother really stepped up.

I'm so glad.

He was one of the first,

if not the first person I called.
What did your brother say to you?

"Just wait."

He was in CDO.

He was in province at the time.

- So, he said, "I'll fly there. I'll help you."

- Aww...

- Because you also need someone...

- A pillar of strength.

Someone to lean on.

Funny with my family: We don't talk about it.

I think because we can't take it.

- Even your parents?

- Yes. We all can't.

- Especially with your mom.

- Yeah.

I now understand how mothers

react to a hurting child:

- "You can try and hurt me."

- [laughs]

- "Just don't hurt my child."

- Correct.

Because the pain is double.

Years later...

I heard stories where, "My dad tried to fix it."

But to no effect.

You can't prevent it.

"When it's out, it's out."

- Like a wildfire that spreads easily.

- Yeah.

So, there was at one point

in your life that you said,

it's also in the book:

"I thought about suicide.

I fantasized how the world would feel

sorry for being so mean to me.
Suicide would be both my relief
and my vengeance."

So, during the time I was in our house,

that's when all these thoughts came.

That's when I realized, "This is real."

"There's no way that you can retract this."

"You cannot get back what you lost."

That's when I said, "Shocks! This is unfair."

- M-mm...
- Like that.

You had a question, "Why me?

I'm not a bad person. I didn't do anything bad."

Yes. And, "Why now?"

My life is doing well.

My career just started.

So I'm like...

- "Why is this happening?"

- M-mm...

That's why I thought about suicide.

Because...

I don't have a way for revenge.

- Just to end the pain.

- Yeah.

And the humiliation.

It was more of the shame...

Shame on myself.

Causing shame to others that you love.

Of course, once it's being romanticized;

but it's when I really think about it.

I went through it in the book. I wrote,

How my family would react:

"It's kind of more unfair to them."

You talked about it here, and you said...

"My parents will carry the guilt forever."

What should have been done to stop it?

The only time you haven't thought

of suicide is because

you thought about your family

- and what they will go through after it.

- Yeah.

What is Hikikomori?

- Oh!
- Hikikomori.

You talked about it in the book.

It's a Japanese term

for a person that recluded.

Someone who shuts off from society.

Usually, these people, they stay in their room.

They don't know night and day.

They close their curtains.

I wanted to be like that...

to be secluded and not wanting to go out.

That became my alternative to suicide.

Ahh...

I'll just work hard.

Earn lot's of money from showbiz.

- Then you'd escape?

- I will escape.

So the world can forget about me,

and I will forget about the world.

- Like that.
- M-mm...

- But, really, that scandal pushed you

to work harder? - Yes.

Because there's one point,

when you were talking to Mr. M, he said:
"You need to double your effort with your
talents so they can see beyond...

that scandal that you were involved."

"So they can see that you're a talented

actress, you're a good actress,

- and a professional one."

- Yes.

- So that's where you focused your

whole energy. - Yes.

Because you we're talking about it

in the chapter of The Coping.

- [laughs]
- Here we go.

- "Surviving this storm."

- Correct.

It's really doing the next thing

that you need to do.

Work really helps.

Having responsibility...

knowing people on the set

would be depending on me to show up.

In a way, I needed to support myself

because, at the time,

I'm no longer dependent on my parents.

And I didn't want to be a freeloader

to them the whole time.

Then you said:

- "I didn't want to be recognized

as Maricar Reyes." - Yeah.

When you would go out to the mall...

- public shows, mall tours.

- Yes.

I mean, I didn't want to be irritated

with people, but...

- You were irritated because?

- It's like:

- "Why do you know me?"

- M-mm...

Of course, I'm known since I'm on TV.

But, of course, at the time--

- You thought differently.

- Yes.

You were known because of "it."

Being heartbroken makes you

see your problems only.

You said something nice:

"Laughter can hide a heavy heart,

but when laughter ends, the grief remains."

Correct. Were you like that?

- I'm like that.

- Put on a face.

Yeah.

I mean, I think on the set,

you try to be professional.

But once I got home..

or anytime I'm reminded that it's real.

When was that one time when you broke down?

I have like 2 or 3 instances

where it was really bad.

I just got home,

and I was the only one at our house.

And then I knew I don't have

a taping the next day,

so I had a few days off.

The reality would crush on you.

It's like...

Asking questions again, "Why me?"

"Why aren't my achievements...

not enough to remove this heaviness?"

- H-mm...
- That's it.
It's still there...

I thought I was okay. I mean,

I was getting endorsements.

I was getting more shows.

People were respecting my work ethic.

"Why is it still heavy?

Why am I still ashamed?"

So, I really don't get it.

- Nothing was filling the void.

- Yeah.

- Nothing was solving the problem.

- H-mm...

- Nothing was healing you.

- Yeah.

You think when you're busy,

when you're going through pain,

- "I'll just make myself busy--

- Time will heal all wounds.

It's been years already.

[laughs]

The wound is still open.

Everything seems to be okay,

why am I not yet okay?

- But I looked okay.

- Yeah, you looked okay.

Did you feel like you were a victim?

I did feel like I was a victim.

But really, when I felt like

nothing's working,

I needed another solution,

I needed another way other than self-help.

You went on a tour with Star Magic.

- You were roommates with Yeng.

- Yeah.

- And then you saw her.

- Yes. Highlighting her Bible.
It was the first time that I saw
anybody in my whole life doing that.

Yeng and I were always buddy-buddy.

And then we wouldn't really talk about God.

She wasn't pushy or anything.

And then...

towards our last show,

she said, "Hey! I have something.

If you just want it; it's not obligatory.

But if you want, I have a mentor.

If you want to talk to somebody,

you can go to her."

So, you met Acel.

- I met Acel and--

- What did she say?

I was surprised with our first meeting

when she established:

"Why are you here?"

Then I said...

"I feel like there's something in me that needs

to be fixed, but I don't know what."

After telling my side,

she also told me her side.

- H-mm...
- Her real struggles.

I'm surprised somebody will be that

open about things that are—

some of it are quite shameful to her as well.

I'm like, "Oh my God!

We don't know each other,

but you're very open about your life."

So I was touched.

Because I felt like I'm not the only

broken person here.

That's when I felt ashamed.

It was my first time to feel ashamed.
There are also other problems
in this world, more than your own.

And I think I needed that.

- M-mm...
- Right?

I'm super focused with my negativity,

and you think that your problem

is the end of the world.

It's not.

And you think that the world

revolves around you.

Yes.

That's what happens when you have a problem.

You think you are the center of everything.

"Hello!? Other people have problems."

And you feel like everyone is talking

about your problems.

Nope!

You think they all care?

In reality, nobody cares.

Maybe they cared for like 5 minutes

when they make the comment.

- And then--
- They moved on with their lives.

Yes. Because they have their own problems.

That's when I come to realize,

"Shocks, Maricar, you are self-centered."

"You are so self-centered."

And she didn't end with the negative stories.

After her negative stories were

stories of "triumph."

- M-mm...
- I failed to see mine.

I only saw my problem.

I never saw that there's a way out.
M-mm...

I realized a lot when I talked to her.

So, for how many years,

for like 3 years of your life,

you thought you were always down

and had no chance of getting up.

How did you get up from that?

- A slow process.
- Right.

One at a time.

I think I said a line there:

"Small, steady sins got me into this mess.

So small, steady improvements

(more positive actions, the correct actions)

would get me out."

Those were the keywords: "small and steady."

Because I am impatient.

When she presented me

with a way out, I was like:

- "Oh my God, Let's do this!"

- Alright.

So, one of the things she made me read

was the Bible.

And then I'm like...

The Bible is written by people

thousands of years ago.

What do they know about life now?

And it was written by people, not God.

God did not come down here

and write it Himself.

So, that's erroneous;

not everything there is true and correct.

Okay?

- That was your mindset at the time?

- Yes.

At the time, Toni,

I really don't have a choice.

I've tried everything.

Why not try this one also?

And being the studious person that I am,

and wanting to finish it quickly,

I read the whole thing in 3 months.

During the process of reading...

that's when I felt like God was speaking to me.

There were stories that would stick out.

There were stories where I can relate.

- You've related.
- Not totally audible voice like, "Maricar!"

- Nothing like that; it's just a feeling that...

- Speaks to you.

"It's spot on."

- Speaking of story, you shared here

the Tax Collector? - Yeah.

Yes, the tax collector.

- He's being compared to a great priest

or a teacher. - Teacher.

He was applauded by many.

He pays his taxes. He's faithful to his wife.

Compared to a tax collector

who is corrupt and...

Wicked.

A womanizer, probably.

And then the two of them

are praying in church.

The great teacher said, "Thank you."

In a sincere voice.

I really believe he was sincere in praying:

"Thank you that I'm not like this

tax collector who is corrupt."
"Me? I'm honest.

I do all the right things.

I hit all the right notes." You know?

"Thank you that I'm certainly

not like this tax collector."

- And the tax collector couldn't even...

- Look to God.

Yes. He couldn't look because he's

probably guilty of his actions.

He just said, "Lord...

I'm ashamed to let you see me."

And then here's the punchline:

"The person who went home justified

before God was the tax collector."

That made me angry, Toni.

[laughs]

- But why?
- Honestly, I'm angry,

and I could understand why.

I think I had to read the story

2 or 3 more times.

Oh, I'm crying.

That's when...

That's when God talked to me:

"You think you are the teacher."

M-mm...

"You're the tax collector."

M-mm...

- M-mm...
- I'm like, "Shocks..."

- "Shocks, that's true."

- M-mm...

You know what-- Sorry...

M-mm...
- When He talks to you it's different.
- Right. M-mm...

I failed to see my part.

And I saw everything at that

moment, like, "Shocks...

- I'm not as clean as I thought I was."

- M-mm...

Before, I think: "Oh, my life is great."

And then suddenly this happened:

"It ruined it all!"

- But no.
- M-mm...

That's when He showed me:

"You got to this point because of your

life choices that were not clean."

So I'm like....

it was very hard to take.

Very painful.

But what's nice when God talks to you:

"It's painful... but not heavy."

- Humbling.
- I felt lighter.

Yes, very humbling.

- Because He opposes the proud.

- True.

Sometimes we're so proud

when we approach Him.

But He wants someone whose heart is,

you know...

Correct.

That's what I failed to see.

I really felt that I was impressive on paper.

- You're a doctor...
- Yeah.

But that's what everybody sees.

God sees my heart.

And He doesn't like what He sees inside.

So, that broke me.

I'm sorry.

Even when I remember that moment now,

it really breaks me.

Because it doesn't break me so much

when God sees my bad side.

What really breaks me...

- is knowing that He loves me despite it all.

- M-mm...

Every time I remember that, I'm like:

- "Oh my God, I don't deserve that."

- M-mm...

[sobs]

I don't deserve...

to be loved that much.

- M-mm...
- But in order for me to appreciate that,

- I had to see my heart first.

- M-mm...

- M-mm...
- And then...

that became my turning point.

- He loves you.
- Yeah.

He loves me...

- at my worst.
- M-mm...

He made me feel this:

"The whole time that you were doing all

these things that I didn't like, I was there."

I also remember...

"Yeah. At times,
I remember You tried to talk to me.
Tried to stop me from making those
bad decisions, but I didn't know You.

I didn't know your voice."

- You haven't really met Him that's why

you weren't familiar. - Yeah.

But He tried.

Because at one point in your life,

- you thought nobody's gonna love you.

- Yeah.

- You thought the only one who'll marry you

was the one on the video. - Right.

You thought that you didn't deserve anyone.

I became sad when I listened to that

because, in a way, I guess,

it would make sense if you only had,

you know, this playing field to look at.

No other options.

Or maybe God wanted me to be single forever.

I have to accept that as part of His...

as part of His plan for me,

if that's the case.

- But then came Richard.

- Yeah!

Then came Richard.

- Unexpected.
- Actually, Richard was always around.

He was always around,

but he tried to keep his distance.

Because he's also been going

through some stuff.

He also had some bad relationships.

So he doesn't easily jump in

when he likes someone.

- Amazing story. 3 years?

- Yes.
- I love the incident in the car.
- M-mm...

When he said, "This is it."

- Yeah.
- "Okay. Let's continue it."

- You were very angry.

- I was angry.

Actually, the day that he said "he likes me..."

- This was after 3 years of push and pull.

- Yes. 2012.

So after 3 years, I'm like done;

I've stopped waiting;

and I got tired.

It's like I have enough foundation with God,

that's why I don't look for boys that much.

I got rid of the mindset

"A relationship will help me solve things."

I really wanted to cut him off.

Because every time I tell myself:

"I'm done."

In the past,

I'll just talk to him for 5 minutes,

at a party or any event,

and then I like him again.

That's why I'm angry at myself.

At the same time...

that was the day he decided.

So it's either the worst timing in the world,

or the best timing in the world.

So... he called me. Then that's it.

He said something like, "I need to talk to you."

And then from there, while we're talking,

he said, "I'm not going anymore."

I became angry when he said that.

You're so shameless!
Why now?

After 3 years of guessing our

relationship status,

you suddenly went away.

Now that I've decided that "I'm done,"

you're suddenly back.

But this is what I love about it, he said:

"Wanna know why you're angry?

Because you like me that much."

- [laughs]
- Oh?

He just told me that.

- Brutally honest.
- Yup. So I'm like...

- "You're right."
- Yeah.

Because if he did not matter to me,

I would not be affected.

So even if I was angry, he was just laughing.

But you said also in this book that

"he made you feel safe."

Yes. The honesty.

Coming from a background that is

very politically correct,

I avoid confrontations.

So, very nice-nice.

I don't say what I feel.

I don't say what I need to say

just so there's peace.

So I thought that was something

that made me feel safe.

But when this happened,

it exposed everything to be false.

And... it was actually the opposite.

It's the brutal honesty
that made me feel safe.

"He is the only guy like that."

So, there's no guessing games with him.

And that was the first time

I've met a guy like that.

In June 2012, you became the girlfriend

of a decent man that you admired.

- Yeah.
- You said it in the book.

I really admired him because

he's a good speaker.

He's intelligent.

And when I talk to him,

I'm always learning something.

- It was so smooth and peaceful how he

asked to marry you. - Yeah.

- I read it here.
- Yeah.

You were snuggling with him.

And then he just put the ring on me.

Because even from the start,

when he's still unsure with me,

He already said:

"Your face is the kind of face

I want to wake up to every morning."

- Aww...
- I was thrilled.

"Maybe he's asking me to be his girlfriend?"

And that's a heavy statement, right?

- "Your face is the face I wanna wake up to

every morning." - Exactly.

- Marriage levels.
- Exactly.

So I thought,
"He's about to commit to me."

And then like 2 weeks later,

he pulled away.

"That's annoying!"

But he had his reasons because

he was working things out.

And...

I think it's okay.

Because if I had a relationship that early,

I will cling to that.

I wouldn't be open to the real solution

that really worked for me in the long term,

which was the spiritual road.

So it was good that he pulled away;

he had me build foundations

on my own, with myself.

- As well as him.
- He also did.

So by the time we got together,

we have a relationship,

you know, with something more stable

before we came together.

It's like...

- you were complete individually.

- Yeah.

So when you're together,

- it's like two complete and whole

individuals. - Yeah.

Both of you are not dependent

on each other like:

"You have to fill me up."

"You have to make me happy."

So, what was that feeling like when

Richard finally came in your life,

and he asked you to marry him?

The highest joy was when

we're in the parking lot,
where he said, "he won't go."

Because ever since 2009, he was saying:

"If he's having a girlfriend,

he will think beyond that.

He will ask that girl to be his girlfriend

with the intention of marriage."

So when he was telling me that in the car,

when he said, "Can you be my girlfriend?"

I know that's what he was thinking.

Because after we became official,

- he arranged a meeting with my parents.

- M-mm...

So when he finally did give me the ring,

officially, that was it.

- Formality as well.
- Yes.

- Formality for us.

- Because when you got together,

you both knew what's next.

- We really knew.
- Marriage.

Earlier you said that "he was so

honest with you," right?

The good thing about him

is that he doesn't judge.

Actually, he wants to know all my negatives.

There was actually one time I kept

one negative from him.

And, eventually, it just so happens that:

"Life will just eventually expose the truth,

or put you in a place where you

have to tell the truth.

So I said,
"Uhm, actually, this is the truth..."

He got mad.
He said, "Why didn't you tell me?
I want to know everything."

"All the bad, especially the bad,

because the good ones are easy to tell."

I was touched because...

"Wow, even the bad ones?"

And then he compared it...

to being a fake person:

"If you're just gonna tell me the good,

how am I supposed to love you as a whole?"

"How are we supposed to know

if we really love each other completely?"

So just lay it all down to me.

And I'm going to do the same because...

If there's something about me that you

don't like, at least you know now.

There's one part here

where I cried in the book:

You said, "How wonderful to have

a relationship that is celebrated

and I don't have to hide anything

from my loved ones anymore.

It all felt so clean and new!

This was the start of a new life indeed!"

- I think that was the First Kiss.

- M-mm...

Yeah. That shocked me.

- And a shock to everyone else.

- [laughs]

- Your first kiss was at the altar.

- Yes.

- Was it strange?
- Super!

Because my relationship before him—

it was a normal part of it.

- But, for him, it's not...

- Normal.

Remember when the priest says

"you may kiss the bride,"

it's like he's giving you permission.

What if you were kissing even before?

It will make it more special

if it's really your first.

- I got angry, "Why is he like this?"

- [laughs]

It's so weird.

For the first time, here's a guy who

can already commit to me.

He wants to commit to me,

and I cannot kiss him?

But...

God spoke to me--

Oh, I'm getting emotional.

I am touched with how God values me.

- Like that's the value that you deserve.

- M-mm...

After everything I've done to God.

After seeing everything wrong that I did,

and yet You still want that for me.

He is very kind to me.

He is very gracious even if...

even if you do all these bad things...

If you just go back to Him,

and just try to understand Him,

get to know Him—

"He will return it to you."

Everything that He gives you,

you do not deserve.

- M-mm...
- That's why I was touched...
when I saw Richard with the same conviction.

For sure, the inspiration why he had

that thought is because of God.

- "You're so good to me."

- He gave you a man

- who will value your first kiss.

- Correct.

And your first kiss was at the altar,

in front of Him,

in front of all your family and friends,

in front of the people who will

celebrate your love—

that you don't have to hide anything anymore.

This is the part where I cried in the book:

[laughs]

The Wedding Gown Fitting.

- Ah!!
- I cried in here.

Because you said:

"My mom's eyes suddenly filled with tears.

Though we never directly talked about it,

I knew my mother had feared

that I might never find someone

who wanted to marry me.

As a woman, she knew how painful it was

to get through the rest of my life

with a destroyed reputation.

She worried that no man would ever see

beyond what happened to me."

- Yeah.
- That was a beautiful moment.

The wedding gown fitting.

I was surprised.

- We didn't talk there.

- You and your mom.
And then I was fitting the gown;
I was very happy.

And when I went out...

without any warning,

I just saw from the corner of my eye

that she was weeping.

I said... "Huh?!!"
[laughs]

I was alarmed...

I rushed to her and I tried to comfort her.

But I felt that this weren't those

so-called "sad tears."

It was maybe, for her, a very real moment:

"She's really getting married."

M-mm...

You said here:

"I'm not thankful for the scandal.

Nor would I want to relieve it all over again,

but I would NEVER trade the lessons I learned.

NEVER.

What was the biggest lesson?

Honesty.

Just being true.

My life before was full of secrets;

I didn't even realize it was wrong.

I think I also mentioned there,

I mean, the way I got to the point

where I was broken:

it's full of white lies, small sins.

When people think about spirituality

and going to hell, going to heaven—

they think about "big" sins.

But, actually...

small, steady things that are

wrong and have piled up,

(which you didn't even notice)

will mess you up.

So I think that's what happened to me.

I realized I'm not a victim.

Many people say, "I'm just a victim.

I did nothing wrong."

But I did; you just didn't see it.

It was my life choices that got me there.

And now, slow and steady

improvements got me out.

- Well, people see you as a victim,

but I see you as a victor. - Yes

- Because of what you overcame.

- Very true.

- We are more than conquerors.

- Yes.

The last part of the book was beautiful.

This is one of the most beautiful

letters that I have read.

This is her letter to herself:

Dearest Younger Self,

Today is the first day of your crisis.

I wish I could give you a big hug.

I hope you will believe me, that in your

present suffering, you are not alone.

However, I know realistically

that nothing I say now

will instantly remove all your pain

or even solve your problems.

What happened to you is devastating,

but it is only the beginning of the

long traumatic after-effects.

Today, it is OK to cry and

eat all the comfort food you want.

Remember that it's OK to grieve,

but at one point you must decide to get up,

face the problem and look for solutions.

You may not know if God changed

every single person who uploaded,

watched and shared the video,

but you will know for sure that He changed us.

He wants to be our inner anchor

so that trials or tragedies

would not faze us like before.

And remember,

though it will not make sense now,

but it is through your scars and wounds

where God will build something

eternally beautiful.

What was intended to destroy you,

God will turn into a powerful testimony

to help many other struggling women.

I am excited for you!

Endure because it will get better.

Each year will always be better than the last.

Always!

Big hug. :)

♥Maricar

- It's a beautiful letter you wrote to yourself.

- Thank you.

The first part of this book was the question:

- "Why did I write this book?"

- M-mm...

So I will ask you now,

"Why did you write this book?"

Honestly, it was not my idea.

Because I'm now okay.

Truthfully, "Why do I need to revisit it?"

But me and Richard, we wrote a book
called "10 things we fight about."

- Relationship?
- Yes. Relationships.

In 2017.

And then when that got published,

it had a good reception.

And then our manager said,

"You know what?

You should write a book about

what you went through.

Now that you're okay."

You could see the sincerity in his eyes.

"Even I am curious.

How did you overcome it?

What was going through your mind

when it was all happening?

And then how did you come out of it?

So maybe you should write a book."

So from there, I held on to that thought.

If he had not said that...

I think I would not have any thoughts about it.

And then it took a while because,

when he told me that in 2017,

I was not yet ready.

It's like, "You know something in your head,

but it hasn't reached your heart."

So from 2017 until 2022,

it was a long healing process.

And I think that's also something

I want people to realize,

that's why the book is a bit "long."

There's a process, and it's long.

The deeper your hurt is the longer

your process—and that's okay.
As long as every year you get better,
that's okay.

- You're doing well already.

- M-mm...

And don't... discount the process.

You have to go through it and assess it.

- There's a purpose for the pain.

- Yeah.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- This is it.
- Yeah.

It's a survival guide for other women,

or other girls who might be going

through a crisis right now.

So if Maricar overcame it,

they can also do it as well.

I also like to think of it as a blueprint.

So by reading this,

try to analyze your life too

(from your childhood),

- that's why there are questions at the end.

- Yes.

After every chapter,

"Here's my side. Your turn next.

What do you think about your own life?"

And hopefully it will start

the ball rolling for them also.

Really, in our life,

we make lots of bad decisions.

Or sometimes we can make some

of the worst decisions we've ever

done or made in our life.

But if I were to ask you now:

"What do you think is the best decision

you ever made in your life?"
I don't mean to sound religious...

but I'm happy that

I decided to read that book—

that old book that didn't make sense.

- Amazing!
- M-mm...

It's hard to find words...

to describe how He can change...

a life.

- That book.
- You know, honestly...

if we talk about my pain and struggles,

I don't cry that much.

- I cry when we talk about Him.

- Yeah, I noticed.

He's amazing.

He really is amazing...

I am very thankful...

for everything that He did.

And it's not just even before;

He continues to do it.

I'm so touched because I still fail him.

You think these are my struggles only?

It doesn't end there.

There's always struggles.

There's always something

that's wrong with you.

There's always something

that you need to fix.

But He is still there. He is constant.

Constantly saying, "I love you.

I will not leave you. We will fix this."

- There's a sense of belonging...

- M-mm...
to Him.

Right?

You belong to something bigger

and greater than your life.

That He is in charge. He is in control.

Yes, actually, we really need Him.

You spend your life looking

for things that you need

and that can fill you and that can fix you...

It's not "something," but it's "someone."

Funny thing, it was the internet

that "destroyed" me.

But now it's the internet that's

promoting my business.

- That's great!
- Right.

We make videos at Relationship Matters,

our Facebook page,

we are helping people

who are in relationships.

When we go live, we help many people,

and then we also learn from them.

The internet is beautiful after all.

- Correct.
- It's a blessing after all.

- It's how you really use it.

- Right.

I've hated the internet before.

I didn't use any social media.

But it's social media that's

bringing all the blessings now.

- Sigh...
- Thank you very much!

Those are great lessons, journey,

- I'm like, "Am I going to cry here?"

- realizations.
[laughs]

- Great indeed.
- Yes.

Thank you!

- The book of Maricar is already out.

- Yes, it is.

Thank you very much for the

personal message.

Yay! This is my copy.

Go get your copies too.

It's a story about redemption,

forgiveness, hope.

But, overall, it's a story about love.

- The Ultimate Person who loved me.

- And who made her whole again.

[soft piano music]