Introduction

I am starting to write this book now on the 246th day of the

Ukrainian-Russia War (or whatever it will be called in the future). It is 6
p.m. It is not the best day to start writing a book, but why not? It was a
dream of my life to become a writer. Modern Ukrainian life can be quite
short. A dream of Ukrainian can have a short life too. It can easily be
replaced by a dream of having drinking water, a power generator, access
to medical services, or family members alive.
I should really hurry. It was a day of a rocket attack. So the
electricity was turned off in the whole city. And it is not clear when it
will be turned off and on. So I had a real race, rushing to cook food,
refill my reserve of water as well as other things I can do only with
electricity. It is the third hour with electricity now and I have a moment
to rest and work on my computer.
So I have decided to start this book. I am not sure that it will ever
be finished. I can simply be killed by a Russian rocket tomorrow. But I
will try to finish it. I want others to hear my story. Why? I hope that
something can be learned from it. I hope that others will not commit the
mistakes I have. Above all I want people to remember that war is a
painful, bloody, and sorrowful event, that should never be started or
encouraged.
I will try to tell you a little story: my first month of the war. It was
the hardest time for me in 2022. Now when thinking of it, I ask myself:
"How did I survive and stand it?" This story is just my experience. It
does not consist of acts of heroism or some interesting adventure. It is
just a life of an ordinary person and her family. It is just a regular
experience of a war in my country.
 Chapter 1: The Beginning
Although this war started on 24 February 2022, for me it started
months before it or even years. It will be right to start my story from that
background.
I was born in a small city in the south of Ukraine, Mykolaiv. For
me, it was a little unknown peaceful place. Why unknown? Before the
war, it was hard to find anything about my city in the news, in novels, in
films, etc. I don’t remember when any big newspaper has written about
anything in our town. It seemed to me that nothing was here. Sometimes
I even hoped to hear anything about my city when my father was
listening to the news on the TV in the evenings. And then I got used to
it.
In high school, I was absolutely sure that my hometown is not
important at all. Off course, it was important for people who lived here
as well as people of surrounding towns and villages. Mykolaiv is the
center of Mykolaiv oblast (like a state). People came here for court,
receiving papers, business meetings, etc. But some Ukrainians I met
even did not remember where Mykolaiv is situated and what objects can
be found there. It was a far south region of a big Ukraine. Some people
knew it because their relatives used to work in big factories here decades
ago. Some people knew villages with hotels near the Black Sea where
there once they had a good vocation. That was all.
So Mykolaiv was a quiet, unimportant, and peaceful place for me
in everything, except for some people. I honestly do not why but there
were a lot of people who speaks Russian in Mykolaiv. Moreover, there
were many people believing that they are Russians and that Russia is a
good country or even that Ukraine should reunion with Russia in the
Soviet Union again. I have met these people in schools, buses, parks,
shops, and at the birthday parties of my friends. These people also talked
about the great Russian culture and economy. Some of them even said
that the Ukrainian language, history, and culture are either negligible or
fake. And I have heard it so many times that I believed that a majority of
my city thinks so. All these talks, their conflicting nature, and the
negative emotions they brought spoiled the pleasant life in Mykolaiv.
 It was also a painful moment for me for another reason. I studied
the Ukrainian language in school and fell in love with it. I spoke Russian
from my birth but I enjoyed reading Ukrainian poems. The moment that
I read the first poem in Ukraine brought great enjoyment and love. In
schools, we had to learn them for literature lessons. Many kids and then
students hated poems for that. They never even tried to see beauty in
them because of such schooling. I was also among those who hate
studying poems, but it has never stopped me from listening to their inner
melody and harmony, and important words. In time I even started to
write my own poems. All of them were in the Ukraian language. I never
wrote poems in Russian, as for me it never sounded so beautiful and
melodic. Ukrainian was the most attractive language in the world for me
(No offense. It is just my fillings. All languages are equal and beautiful).
So I could not understand why some people hated the Ukrainian
language or even denied its right to exist. In Mykolaiv, you could not
escape such statements. You could hear them in school from some
teachers or in the museums from some visitors, or anywhere else.
A language problem. A big problem for the citizens of Mykolaiv.
You could hear an old lady loudly criticizing the bank for using the
Ukrainian language in the official papers (as it was required by law) and
a group of teenagers happily and cheerfully discussing the translation of
a new fantasy movie in Ukrainian (although they discuss it in the
Russian language!). One man can tell you that people always talk
Russian in Mykolaiv. Later you can find out that he moved to Mykolaiv
from Siberia 20 years ago. At the same time, my mother drives to the
nearest village to buy milk from local farmers. They and all local
citizens speak Ukrainian.
Another problem of Mykolaiv was the statements of some of its
citizens about history. I studied history at school and remembered many
tragedies of my people, especially those that happened during the
existence of the Soviet Union. It was so painful to read about them. At
the same time, I have heard many people regret its end. Mykolaiv was a
world of two beliefs. You could read at school how communists killed
rich farmers and made them starve to death while sitting at the main
square with a statue of Lenin on it. Strange situation. But it was like it
for the most time of my life.
I grow up in this double world of ideologies, cultures, languages,
and opinions. And being honest, I did not believe that my small sweet
Mykolaiv loves Ukraine and wants to be part of it.
But honestly, all these talks were only talks. It was not a big
conflict you can hear or see everywhere. You need to be careful to see it
as this double-world conflict was small and quiet. People respected each
other and did not try to persuade one another. There was no point in it.
Everyone will stay in their own position in the end. And everyone near
will be angry and upset. And Mykolaiv does not have a place for loud
conflicts.
The only place you could hear such conflicts is family celebrations
and family gatherings. Ukrainians like to eat and speak nicely, but at the
end of a celebration, a discussion of politics and history starts. I do not
know whether it is a tradition or our nature, but it always has been that
way. I even once thought that I would never do it. Do you know how
talks at the end of the celebrations end for me now? Yes. I also discuss
politics and I swear it always happens that way without purpose.
So the conflict of two words, pro-Ukrainian and pro-Russian, has
happened only at a dinner table. That was all. And it always ends with
idea that none is going to change their beliefs and it's time to eat
something sweet and discuss anything else in the world.
So I was born and grew up in my sweet and quiet Mykolaiv, a city
of two worlds, and finished school and entered a university. My father
wanted me to see the world so he decided to pay for my studies abroad. I
have chosen Australia. Now I do not even know why. Perhaps I wanted
to live in a city with no winter. And I liked the brochure of the
University of Sydney.
I entered college and then University there. But it was hard for me.
I liked the people, climate, culture, the university, and many other
things. I liked unfamiliar plants and nature. the food was tasty. The
choice of vegetarian food in the groceries was a dream (I am vegetarian
since 16)! The system of public transport was very good. I enjoyed it.
And studies! I love all of it: the way the information was presented, the
interesting tasks, the useful information, and the skills I learned.
For a person who studied in Ukrainian schools, a university in
Australia was a paradise! I could wear any clothes, not just a school
uniform. I could choose the time of some classes. I could even view
some lectures online! Paradise!
But that was a big problem in my life in Australia. Life there was
good. But I love my small sweet Mykoliav more. It is just my home, and
I felt only like a guest everywhere else.
I returned home. I entered another Australian University and
continue my studies online. It was ideal for me. I can even call it the
golden time of my life. My family and friends are near. I study
interesting things with pleasure. Nothing besides people I value and
things I like existed. I was happy and I was innocently blind to many
things near me.
I helped my mother in the garden. I enjoyed cooking. At that time
my mother decided to take some cooking courses. So I looked at her
techniques and tried them myself. It was fun. I persuaded my mother to
buy two white goats. We call them Milka and Toffi. We bought them for
milk, but enjoy their company and games with them in the end. It was
the happiest time of my life. But everything has an end. Happiness is not
an exception.
Some time passed. I remember reading an article about a strange
virus in Chine. I thought that one day it might come to my country and
family. And it has happened. COVID-19 brought a new life and
experience. It was new, fearful, and dangerous. We wore masks and held
social distance. We were afraid of coughing people and measured their
temperature every day. We had made a little reserve of off and other
things we need and we tried to go out very often. But my father owns a
business and he had to speak to many people every day.
Eventually, my family got sick. I remember awful pain in my heart
and a loud heartbeat. Sometimes it was hard to breathe. And it was so
hard to think, calculate and plan. The brain seemed to turn off. I also felt
that my body moved slower. I have a problem with vessels in the brain.
So I was constantly afraid of dying because of a stroke.
There were also some funny moments. I once bought a very
beautiful mask. And I decided to train my cats to do some tricks in the
evening when I had a temperature and no mood to do anything except
that. Show my Garphild a stick and he will jump over it (If you have
food, of course). I also once ate a whole union instead of supper as I felt
no taste.
But COVID-19 was never a joke, although we could have some
pleasant moments during the epidemy. My mother cannot taste the food
now. I suspect that taste will never return. And her hobby was cooking
and tasting food.
Life continued. We made several vaccines and get used to the rules
of a new reality. And some good moments were for me in the future.
My father owns grocery shops. He wanted me to join his business
once. In my childhood, it never interested me. Selling food was boring.
What can be interesting in yogurt or beer? Nothing for young Viktoriia.
However, in time I understood that I like to cook and buy tasty foods.
Yogurt can be very different. And you can not only drink beer, but also
put it in the stew, or pie or jelly! And I liked to share my ideas and
findings about the food with others.
My father noticed that. Delivering and selling food was a business
of his life. He started it when he was a student. I think that he always
wanted that my brother or I do the same thing. One day he had a very
good mood and had an idea. So he suggested I own a grocery shop. He
knew one shop for sale with a good location so he wanted to gift it to me
and I agreed with great gratitude, interest, and joy.
But before, he wanted to gift me a shop I have to study. So I pause
my studies at the university for some time and started to work with
different people in the company of my father.
It was a hard time for me. I cannot say that I enjoyed it. All was
new and hard to understand. All papers, laws, numbers, and procedures
seemed very complex. I used to work as a salesman in a grocery shop
before entering university, but that experience was so different from the
experience of a manager or owner. It was very hard for me. Sometimes I
felt myself the most stupid person on Earth. But I continue as I wanted
to open a cozy grocery shop in time.
Sometimes I was so nervous that I could not sleep all night and eat
all day. Naturally, I did not notice events in a world bigger than my
ambition of having a shop.
But scary and pessimistic voices were heard from there over and
over. It became louder with every week. So I listened to them. But I
could not believe them!
War! War! War!
War in Europe in the 21st century sounded absurd and funny! It seemed
to me that humans have learned their own lessons and started to value
peace and human life. Oh, I was wrong. So wrong.
Then it seemed not real.
Perhaps, I also thought that the epidemic of COVID-19 started the
same way. Same rumors and fear. But humanity survives and my family
survives. It was frightening and unpleasant. But we lived through it. I
could not imagine something worse.
Stupid thoughts. I am ashamed of how I could be so naive.
So I ignored the messages that came from many sources:
advertisements, news, announcements of different foreign officials, bits
of advice on how to pack belonging and how to evacuate, and memes
about a possible war. For me, it all was rumors, fantasies, and theories
like the plan of some rich people to kill others with COVID-19.
Though, when I heard that certain embassies would be closed and
moved from Kyiv to other countries I really started to worry. I could see
no logic in such actions… unless the threat of war was real. But I did not
believe in it... or did not want to believe in it. My father used to walk all
day criticizing other countries and blaming them for escalating the
conflict and creating harmful rumors. He was afraid that because of such
events business in the country could stop and Ukraine could have big
economical troubles.
 Talks of war changed their own location in time. Now their new
habitat was not the media but talks of people. People talked to each other
discussing the war. I remember hearing a million times the question
“Will there be a war?”. I heard it among people at my father’s work, at
the shops, bus stops. I talked about it with a taxi driver once. And of
course, we talked about war within my family. But all these
conversations ended similarly. A war just could not happen. Something
diplomatic or economical might take place somewhere at some time.
The possibility of war seemed to be zero for most people I met. But we
continue to talk and talk about it.
One day (I think the week before the war) I read the news that
local authorities want to check the bomb shelters and alarm systems. I
also read that we could hear test sirens. I was so angry. People were so
scared. I thought that authorities would harm us and force us to panic for
no reason.
And then I started to think about other things. I remembered that
my friend who worked at a hospital told me once that doctors all over
the country are commanded to check their own reserve and fulfill it with
the medications that could be needed in times of war. I remembered that
I found a plan of Mykolaiv with a list of bomb shelters on the front page
of the official internet site of the city three months ago. I remembered
reporters visiting that different shelters and criticizing authorities for
their condition. One day I was reading a website with interesting
information and funny memes and I found an article about survival in
the city during the war. All this news forced me to feel terrible and
scared. So I used to say to myself that it was not important. Hospitals
should always have a stock of medicine and be ready for war. A city
should always have bomb shelters in a good condition. Regarding that
article, there are people who like to read about war. It seemed just a
coincidence.
Therefore, I tried to ignore everything and believed that a war was
just a panic rumor. However, my mother did not. A week before the war
she started to talk about the possibility of war. And she talked about it
constantly. I think that she believed in some way that the war could
come. But my brother and I only laughed at thoughts (gently, of course,
as we love our mother very much!). Now I think that it was some sort of
defensive reaction. It was hard even to imagine that she could be right.
I laughed and ignored the possibility of war. It was still the same
idea. A war cannot happen in Europe in the 21st century. For me, it was
the same certain belief as the fact that throwing the apple will end in the
apple falling on the floor. It was a law of nature and it cannot be broken.
I felt calm and certain. I thought only about my own problems. I
needed to make some financial operations and it was new to me. I did
not want to make a mistake. So I spend all day speaking with the
accountant of my father and the workers of the bank. I also read a lot of
laws and articles about how to do the money operations I needed. I
thought that I had found a solution, but I was not sure at all. Therefore, I
was tired, sad, and even a bit desperate. It was late, nearly midnight. I
should go to bed and I needed to get up early. But I decided that I need a
break. I want to spend some time with pleasure. I wanted a short
distraction from a scary world of numbers and laws. So I started to
watch memes and YouTube. I wanted to watch some trailers of new
films or funny videos. All in all, two hours passed. I needed that two
hours to relax but I suddenly felt tired. I was also ashamed that I would
go to bed so late and perhaps I would be not so productive the next day.
So I decided to turn off the computer. I scrolled one website the last
time. Suddenly I saw the news there that captured all my attention and
thoughts. Putin announced the Special Military Operation. There also
was a video. But I was too tired to watch it. Besides, I never like to hear
Putin's speeches. I never liked his manners of talking and behaving. If I
wanted to know what he had said, I used to read it in the news articles.
So I decided to read it later in the news. But not that day. It was too late.
I was confused and worried, but too tired. So I turned the computer
off.
That was the last day of my other life. Life before the war.