A Warm Welcome

[Scene: A stage bathed in mist and flashing blue/white lights.

Red Lights can be seen in the background. We can hear the
sounds of screaming and thunder.]

[Rowan enters from the back of the stage, wearing a red

smoking jacket, white shirt, black trousers and horns. He is the
Devil. He holds a clipboard.]

[As he reaches the front of the stage, the “lightning” stops and
all the lights go red]

Devil: Ah hello… nice to see you all here. Well, as the more
perceptive of you have probably realized by now, this is hell.
And I am the Devil.

[pauses and nods to right side of audience]

Good evening…. But you can call me Toby if you like. We try
and keep things informal here…. as well as infernal.

[turns to clipboard]

Umm… that’s just a little joke. I tell it every time.

Now you’re all here for eternity.. oooh, which I hardly need tell
you is a HECK of a long time. So you’ll all get to know each
other pretty well by the end but for now I’m going to have to split
you into groups and would you stop screaming?!

[screaming FX stops]

Thank you.

Now, murderers? Murderers over here please. Thank you.

[throughout this bit he makes appropriate gestures, pointing out
to various points around the stage and audience]

Looters and Pillagers over here. Um, thieves if you could join
them.. and.. Lawyers you’re in that lot as well.

Fornicators, if you could step forward? My God, there are a lot

of you! I think I’ll split you into adulterers and the rest. Male
adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small
guillotine in the corner.

Hmmm… the French are you here? Yes. If you’d just come
down here with the Germans… I’m sure you’ll have plenty to
talk about.

Okay,, ummm,,, Atheists? Atheists? Over here please. You

must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits.

And finally… Christians. Christians? Ah, Yes I’m sorry, I’m

afraid it turns out the Jews were right.

Okay right, well… are there any questions? Yes?

No, I’m afraid we don’t have any toilets. If you’d read your bible
you might have seen that it was “damnation without relief”. So if
you didn’t go before you came then I’m afraid you’re not going
to enjoy yourself very much. But I believe that’s the idea.

[gestures off stage at unseen person]

Well, it’s over to you Adolph. And I’ll catch you all later at the
barbecue.. Bye.