The Couples Communications Workbook:

I know you think you understand what you think I said, but I’m
afraid that what you heard is not what I really what I meant
Fifth edition

Judith Coche, Ph.D

Production and Design: Judith Coche, Ph.D.
Typesetting: Miriam Reisman

Trademark, 1999 by Judith Coche, Ph.D.

Philadelphia, PA, U.S.A.

All Rights Reserved

1 st Edition:1993
2ndEdition:1996
3rdEdition:2000
4th Edition: 2004
 3/The Communications Workbook

Table of Contents

Foreword......................................................................................................5
What Are the Weekend Retreats? ..............................................................7
What is Communication?....................................................................................... 9
What is a Couple? ....................................................................................... 11
The Universals of Coupling.................................................................. 13
Setting Your Goals for the Communications Retreat ................................... 15
What I Want: Initial Goals ................................................................ 17
The Communications Primer: Four basic Skills .............................................19
What is The Intimacy Loop? ...............................................................21
Two Steps to The Intimacy Loop..........................................................22-23
Basic Skill: The Feelings Primer..........................................................24-25
A Partial Vocabulary of Feelings ..................................................27
The Feelings List .......................................................................... 28-29
Basic Skill: Active Listening ................................................................30-31
What You Need to Know About Communication Skills..................................33
What is Interpersonal Intelligence? ...................................................35
Intimacy is Good For You....................................................................36
Time Out For Soothing .......................................................................37
Two Levels of Communication: Content and Process.............................39
The Business of Communication ..................................................................41
What is The Business of Communication? .............................................43
Basic Skill: Interpersonal Problem Solving ..........................................44-45
Basic Skill: The Art of Negotiation....................................................46-47
Using the Skills Day By Day ......................................................................49
When to Use Which Skills ..................................................................51
Watch Out for the Warning Signs..................................................... 52
Learning for a Lifetime: Tips from Successful Couples.........................53
Where I Am: A Progress Report................................................................55
What Can I Read? Useful tools .....................................................86-57
Just the Facts: The Answers to the Exercises ......................................... 59-63
Credit Where Credit is Due.......................................................................65,67
A Final Word ..............................................................................................69
Since this workbook first appeared in 1993, hundreds of couples have been
exposed to these pages and the ideas expressed in them. The feedback has
been overwhelmingly positive: These skills are easy to learn and impossibly
hard to do when one is upset. And yet, somehow, simply knowing that there
are skills provides a bit of a roadmap in the landmine of passionate
relationships.

Thanks to Anthony Locacsio for tireless energy and support, to

Aurit Lazerus, Miriam Reisman and Scott Romeika for earlier
work in formatting. To John Edward Anderson, gratitude for
husbandly good truth. I appreciate your contributions a great deal.

My gratitude also to the American Psychological Association,

the American Group Psychotherapy Association, the American
Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the Philadelphia
Society of Clinical Psychologists, the departments of Psychology and
Social Work at the University of Maryland, and the Department of
Psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. Repeated invitations to
teach colleagues about the world of systems psychotherapy keeps
me on my toes.

To the world of the media, a word of appreciation. The variety

and challenge in answering interviewers' concerns has kept me
grounded in the need to be practical in teaching couples how to
couple. Sometimes it is harder to say things in plain language.

In these pages, you will find the "one-liners" in boxes

interspersed randomly. Around 1980, I was struck by the brief
eloquence of clients engaged in psychotherapy. Seeking meaning
from existence must stimulate verbal creative juices. So, whenever I
heard a gem of an idea uttered by staff, graduate interns,
colleagues, or clients, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote it down
verbatim. Then I asked staff and interns to choose their favorite
one-liners. I began to print them in the newsletter as anonymous to
protect everyone's confidentiality.

To all of the couples who have mastered these skills in countless hours of
practice, a salute! You have learned that in fact Ovid was correct. Skill does
make love unending.
 Would you like to learn to “work in”?
If you are over 35 years old you remember an era when it was not fashionable to work
out. Popular opinion had it that we were sort of stuck with the body we were born with.
In the 1980s new words began to appear in popular culture as people began to “work
out.” “Physical fitness” became something we spoke about socially. It became
fashionable to run marathons for fun and health. Americans began to bicycle, take
spinning classes, do pilates, hire personal trainers, and aim for optimal endurance.

Emotional fitness is 20 years behind the physical fitness industry. About 30 years ago
the children of divorce created a cultural imperative for the United States to consider
how it could prevent marital disillusion for half the population. Couples psychotherapy
was so little understood that, in the 1980s many of us were trained to teach couples to
yell and scream at each other and “get the feelings out.” Pioneering efforts at couples
education began to take hold in the 1980s: churches, educators, and some clinicians
began to promote inexpensive workshops to teach couples how to couple better. At the
Coche Center we began to talk about emotional fitness as a goal for all adults. We
contrasted the familiar concept of “working out” with the new concept of “working in.”
Working in became a way of committing to interpersonal skill. Just as one trains or
works out to become more physically fit, one trains or works in to become more
emotionally fit.

These workbooks represent research and knowledge in anatomy, physiology,

neurobiology, the psychotherapies (cognitive, dynamic, existential) and mind-body
integration. Packaged into an enjoyable, user-friendly format these little exercises
introduce one concept at a time to be enjoyed over an evening together. Their goal is to
educate in a way that is fun for the learner.

Here is a brief overview of the three workbooks for couples and what each covers.
The Communications Workbook – It is simply not true if a couple says, “We do not communicate.” It is
impossible not to communicate with someone you love. Every non-verbal glance is a communication
loaded with levels of significance. Rather than dumping a series of signals onto your partner’s lap, we find
it preferable to take charge of the way you communicate with your partner. We are certain it is completely
possible to be skillful and intentional about being intimate. We know that you can learn to be fluent in
discussing how you feel. We are certain you will benefit from interpersonal problem-solving and we
believe that a negotiated win-win is the happiest position for most couples to live with. In the
communication workbook we teach you these four basic skills paired for easy understanding. We teach
you active listening and the expression of feelings in a set of skills we call the intimacy loop. We teach
you interpersonal problem-solving and negotiation in a set of skills that ensure success in the business of
coupling. And we go on to inform you about the latest and best research from our field to enhance your
relationships and allow it to be the best in your lifetime. This workbook is on its Fifth Edition at this writing.

Making Dollars into Sense: A Workbook for Couples – Money has replaced sex as the hardest thing
for most couples to deal with. It has long been fashionable to count orgasms in the comfortable privacy of
conversations with close friends. Rarely do we unpack nasty disagreements about spending patterns in
front of others. As this workbook goes to print the field of behavioral finance is being adapted for use by
families and couples. This is long overdue. This workbook teaches couples how to communicate about
money using the same foundational skills taught in the communication workbook. In addition to teaching
these communication skills this workbook actually gives a brief overview about financial planning basics,
discussing the cost of children, the need to budget, and the need to set goals as a couple. Most unique
about this workbook however, is the integration between hard finance and the psychology about the
meaning of money. This workbook gives you exercises on financial synergy, it helps you define your
financial personality, it asks you what is money for, it differentiates between keepers, spenders, losers,
and helps you address how to manage money before it manages you. Finally, it helps you address
perhaps the hardest topic of all: couples, money, and anger. It winds up by asking you if you know any
financially competent couples. This workbook in its Second Edition is a recap of the recent advances in
the integration of couples and money.

Skillful Loving: The Intimacy and Sexuality Workbook for Couples – For most adults sex is easier
than intimacy. Sex can be transactional: you can enjoy it once and awhile with one person or another
without getting yourself into the hot water of needing to be responsible for your behavior with another
adult. Intimacy is much harder: it is a messy business, necessitating honesty when one least intends it. In
this workbook we begin by teaching you to teach the four basic communication skills to teach you what’s
going on, why you don’t feel like having sex on Tuesday night, and how you really feel about your
partner’s decision to grow a beard. We teach you to negotiate your own pleasure in order to come to full
understanding that only you are responsible for successful intimacy and orgasmic satisfaction. We begin
with the same foundational skills taught in the communication workbook. The workbook goes on to
describe a bit about how you work sexually, who wrote your sexual script, the art of loveplay, the role of
anxiety in sexual dysfunction. The workbook is perhaps at its most provocative when it gives you
seemingly simple exercises to discuss for an hour with someone you love. How do you know if sex is
healthy? How okay are we? What shall we do with erotic enhancements? What is outercourse?
Combining thought provoking questions with a light touch is sure to give you many evenings of valuable
education at the same time you find yourself entertained. And after all, isn’t that what coupling is about?

Can these workbooks make your marriage better? Many couples report that these
workbooks and a brief workshop about them have made a huge difference in their lives.
Simply by concentrating on new ideas and putting them into operation many couples
progressed quickly and inexpensively. For you the workbooks may be sufficient and
some of the best inexpensive interpersonal fitness training that you ever received. Now
that you are accustomed to the value of spending discretionary dollars to learn how to
work out, I invite you to learn to “work in.” But if you are like most of us, workbook
exercises are necessary but not sufficient to achieve lasting changes. So if the
workbooks titillate your basic understanding of how to couple but leave you frustrated in
how to achieve greater satisfaction the next step would be to consider doing some
clinical work as a couple. In clinical work, we take these educational principles and
custom fit them to your coping mechanisms, your defenses, and your goals. In couples
psychotherapy we help you improve patterns of dysfunctionality that you may be unable
to repair by yourself. Use these workbooks as a foundation for skills. If you need more
skill training find a clinician with special expertise in interpersonal psychotherapy. The
combination of couples education and couples psychotherapy literally creates the
interpersonal gift of a lifetime of skillful loving between you and someone you love.

We wish for you a lifetime filled with security, vibrancy, meaning, and happiness. You
deserve it.
9/The Communications Workbook

He never listens I hate when she

yammers at me..
to me...

What is Communication?
 What is a Couple?

What is your personal definition of a couple? Write it in the box below:

Now, let me give you my definition of a couple:

A couple is two individuals who choose to stay together over time.

Let's think about what this means to you and to your partner. First, it means you
have to value yourself to be part of a couple. Second, it means you have to be a complete
individual to be part of a couple. Third, it means that the more of your own person you
become, the better you can join with your partner. And the more you can join with your
partner, the more you are pushed to grow. I know it seems like a riddle, but it isn't really.

Existential thinkers, like Paul Tillich, express this thought very well. They
say that we become more vital when we are able to create beyond our own
selves, without losing our self in the process. Martin Buber said that an
expression of the whole self is only possible in a free relationship with
another person. Carl Whitaker said, "I become more and more of who
I am by becoming more and more of who we are."
 The Universals of Coupling

Have you ever stopped to consider that coupling planet-wide has

similarities for all couples?
EXERCISE: Write down your best guess at the universal issues faced by
all marriages:

What are the implications for you and for a partner?

Note: for more information turn to the Appendix

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 15/The Communications Workbook

Setting Your Goals for

This Workbook
16/The Communications Workbook
 17'/The Communications Workbook

What I Want: Initial Goals

I
t is hard to get what you want until you know what you want. This Workbook
is short. Life is long. To help you focus during our time together,
you will need to limit your horizons. Please list 3 goals in the box below. To
arrive at these goals, think of what you want to take home today about our topic.

Now put an asterisk (*) next to your most important goal.

18/The Communications Workbook
 19/The Communications Workbook

The Communications Skill Primer:

Four Basic Skills
20/The Communications Workbook
 2I/The The Communications Workbook

What is
The Intimacy Loop?
 22/The The Communications Workbook

What is The Intimacy Loop?

Teaching couples how to communicate has become both expected and valued in many
cities throughout the world. But most of the world has yet to learn it. And, it was as late
as 2003 that research established that divorce does not make people happy, but
successful intimacy does. So it seemed crucial for me to figure out how to teach men and
women how to be intimate with one another. But how to simplify it? I was baffled for
many years. Finally, sometime in 1986, a client asked, "In a coupled relationship^ how can I
know when to talk and when to listen?" And I answered simply-

"If one of you talks about how you feel while your partner listens with his/her
heart, and then, if you reverse roles, and the listener talks while the talker listens,
this will increase the intimacy between you."

"Promise?" said the client. "Promise," I said. Your partner may not agree with you,
but you will feel understood and respected, Intimacy can exist in the face of disagreement
and individual difference, but it cannot exist without respect and full attention to your
beloved.

The Intimacy Loop is easy to teach and easy to understand. It is even easy to
practice. It gets hard when you are deeply invested in your opinion, and , of course, this is
when it is most crucial to practice.

Skill really does make love unending, and this skill set is at the foundation of skillful
loving. It is worth the self discipline it requires.
25 /The Communications Workbook

Two Steps to The Intimacy Loop

Step 1
Partner A: Engages in The Feeling Primer, speaking to Partner B.
Partner B: Engages in Active Listening, listening to Partner A.

Step 2
Partner A: Engages in Active Listening, listening to Partner B.
Partner B: Engages in The Feeling Primer, speaking to Partner A.

RESULT...Increased understanding of one another as individuals.

The Intimacy Loop

Step 1 Step 2
A: Expresses feelings A: Actively listens

Chaining
Chaining is my simple term for a natural chronology in the steps of communication. One
person starts to talk about a theme, and the other person "chains," i.e. continues the
topic of discussion from his/her own viewpoint.
 24/The The Communications Workbook

Basic Skill: The Feelings Primer

4 steps to handling feelings

A
II feelings are valuable and harmless. Feelings create a language to the self. Fear is
aroused in mishandling the feelings, not in the existence of the feelings themselves.
The following steps help us to understand and handle feelings more effectively. Most people
get blocked at one of the four steps, which prevents effective handling of those steps that follow.
Identify the step at which you become blocked and attempt to work more effectively. This can lead
to both behavioral and internal changes.

Step 1: Listen to your body.

Where do you feel anger? Your body sends you important messages in the form of
physiological reactions. For example, when you are angry, you may feel a red ball in the pit
of your stomach; your partner may experience anger as a ripple of tension between their
shoulders. But we often develop characteristic styles of experiencing emotion.

Step 2: Label the feeling.

After you are able to associate your body's physiological reaction with a feeling,
label the feeling with a word: angry, frustrated, joyful. If you can't come up with the right
word, choose one from The Feelings List. Say the word aloud or under your breath.
Choose the most expressive word that can accurately describe how you feel. This is
hard because many of us are not very articulate in describing our emotions, In the
beginning, you may experience a time lag between your body's reaction and your ability to
label your feeling. It may take you hours, even days, to do it. ou will improve with practice.
Step 3: Decide what to do.
Once you have labeled a feeling, you can handle it one of three ways. Your choice
depends on your own style and on the particular situation.

1. Handle the feeling with your self.

Sometimes it is unwise or inappropriate to handle the feeling directly. In these

situations, tell your self how you feel, using the label you have selected from Step 1. Then
25 The Communications Workbook

choose a way to handle the feeling alone. This differs from blocking the feeling, since you
are becoming more aware of the feeling and making a commitment to handle it.

There are many ways to handle feelings such as creating a verbal dialogue with
your self or keeping a journal are reflective ways to self manage emotions quietly.

2. Handle the feeling directly.

This is the most intimate form of communication. A useful rule of thumb is that the
more intimate you are with someone, the more appropriate it is to speak with them
honestly and directly when the time is right. Direct communication is an effective way of
resolving conflicts. When done well, it can deepen and strengthen relationships with lovers,
parents, children, and friends.

3. Involve a third party.

Sometimes you can't speak directly with the person involved in the conflict, but you
feel you must speak with someone. In these situations, share your emotion with a third
party. This confidante could be a friend, family member, or professional. We often learn
haw we feel by hearing ourselves describe this to a trusted friend.

Step 4: Take action.

If you have decided to handle the feeling with yourself, ask yourself the best way
to proceed. A physical release of tension may help you feel better. Do you need to run?
Jump? Dance? Talk? You can do any of these activities by yourself in a short period of
time. Schedule the activity, and congratulate yourself on taking the appropriate steps.

If you have decided to handle the feeling directly, you have chosen what is, for
many adults, the most satisfying option. It is also the most difficult. Many people
unnecessarily fear a backlash if they are honest and direct. If you are both trained in
Active Listening, agree to practice the Intimacy Loop at a convenient time.

If you have decided to speak with a third party, schedule this. To do this, see who
is available? Whom can you trust? Who can be a good listener? Schedule a time rather
than blurting out your feeling and, when you do speak, speak from the heart. Allow your
confidante to respond if he or she wishes. Finally, thank your confidante. Listening is a
great gift.

Timing and self-control are essential in handling your feelings. It is important to

appreciate the value of learning these skills. With practice and self-discipline, you can
learn to communicate more effectively about your feelings and build a foundation of trust
with someone you love.
26/The Communications Workbook
27/The Communications Workbook

A Partial Vocabulary of Feelings'

f eloquence is knowing the most descriptive

knowing how to express how you feel is necessary for emotional eloquence. Very little
has been developed to categorize feelings so that mortals can become more
emotionally intelligent. Robert Plutchik, a psychologist, set up a wheel describing eight
primary emotions, with shades between.
I selected a few hundred feelings and categorized each according to the basic
emotion contained by the word. The same words can be used in more than one
category. As you can see, many of our feelings consist of a mixture of more than one
basic emotion. Can you add to our list or help us improve it?

Eight Primary Emotions

LOVE

SUBMISSION
OPTIMISM

CONTEMPT

AGRESSIV AWE

DISAPPOINTMENT
REMORSE

"Adapted from Robert Plutchik (February, 1980). A Language for the Emotions. Psychology Today, pp. 68-78.
 28/The Communications Workbook

The Feelings List

The feelings listed below are categorized according to a basic emotion within them.
Many are a mixture of two or more emotions. Can you name them?

joy
adequate ecstatic kicky rewarded
beautiful exploratory mystical sated
blissful free nice satisfied
brave full open settled
calm glad peaceful sure
capable good pleasant talkative
certain gratified pleased tenacious
challenged groovy pretty vehement
cheerful heavenly proud vital
delighted hopeful refreshed vivacious
determined immortal relaxed wonderful
eager keen relieved

ACCEPTANCE

accepting desirous lustful paternal

affectionate infatuated maternal sexy
bonded friendly nurturing sympathetic
created loving passionate validating
FEAR

ambivalent frightened parsimonious stupefied

anxious gullible persecuted tempted
apathetic helpless petrified tentative
bored honored precarious tenuous
childish intimidated pressured tense
confused jumpy prim terrified
despairing laconic prissy threatened
distraught nervous queer uneasy
divided nutty scared vulnerable
dubious obsessed servile worried
enervated overwhelmed startled
fearful panicked stunned
29/ The Communications Workbook

SURPRISE
aghast electrified impressed stunned
amazed enchanted inspired surprised
astounded envious longing
captivated fawning mystical
charmed fearful surprised

ANTICIPATION
desirous enchanted fearful longing
despairing exploratory infatuated nervous
eager fascinated inspired

SADNESS
abandoned disturbed left out shocked
bad empty lonely solemn
condemned enervated low sorrowful
crushed grief-stricken maudlin suffering
culpable helpless melancholy weepy
defeated homesick miserable
diminished horrible rejected
discontented hurt remorseful
distracted ignored ruptured
distraught isolated sad

DISGUST
conspicuous infuriated screwed up terrible
deceitful lecherous silly thwarted
evil licentious skeptical trapped
exasperated naughty sneaky troubled
frantic obsessed strange ugly
frustrated odd stuffed uneasy
greedy outraged stupid
imposed upon restless tentative
ANGER

adamant cruel mad unsettled

almighty deceitful mean vehement
annoyed destructive obnoxious violent
bold diffident quarrelsome wicked
competitive hateful righteous
contended Infuriated spiteful
contrite jealous stingy
 30/The Communications Workbook

Basic Skill: Active Listening 5 steps to

active listening

Hearing and listening are very different activities that

people often get confused. Hearing is automatic; listening is learned. We hear only
with our ears, whereas we listen with our hearts, minds and entire bodies. When we are
actively listening to someone, we are understanding the meaning of the words being
conveyed. Some people are born with a natural ability to listen well; others must learn it.
All of us must practice it.

The following steps are designed to help you become a better listener. Combined with
the skill of handling your feelings, Active Listening skills can create greater intimacy with
your partner.

STEP 1: PARK YOUR OWN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.

In order to pay full attention to what your partner is saying, you must first set aside
whatever else is on your mind. This is difficult to do, but necessary if you are to listen
fully to your partner. When you find yourself slipping back into your own thoughts and
feelings, force yourself to return to your partner's words. If you catch yourself thinking
about what you are going to say next, stop immediately, and return your focus on your
partner. Parking your feelings is hard work. It takes time, concentration, and a lot of
practice.

STEP 2: ATTEND FULLY TO YOUR PARTNER.

Sit in a comfortable position, facing your partner. Look at your partner while he or she
is speaking. Listening fully to someone involves your eyes, as well as your ears. Try to
understand what your partner's body language is telling you. Focus your entire self on what
he or she is thinking and feeling.

"Appreciation to Carl Rogers tor his pioneering work in teaching all of us that empathy can be trained at a
point in time (1950-1975) when the world didn't know this.
31/ The Communications Workbook

STEP 3: ENCOURAGE YOUR PARTNER'S OPENNESS.

Encourage your partner to speak fully and openly. Ask questions which help your
partner open up about his or her feelings, but be careful not to interrupt through your
words or your body language. A critical or impatient look is likely to inhibit your partner
from speaking freely. Statements like "Tellme more," What do you mean?"and "Give me an
example" move you both towards your goal of understanding the meaning beneath your
partner's words.

STEP 4: HELP YOUR PARTNER FEEL UNDERSTOOD.

Paraphrase your partner's words to make sure you have understood. When your partner
stops speaking, say, "Let me see if I've understood you. I think you are telling me... "or
"Please let me know if I've understood..." After you have paraphrased, ask your partner for
feedback: "bid I understand?" or "Is there anything I left out?" At this point, your
partner can let you know whether or not you have fully understood the meaning behind the
words.

STEP 5 : APPRECIA TE THE VALUE OF LISTENING.

If your partner has had your full attention and feels understood, he or she can thank
you. This feels wonderful for both of you. Sometimes your partner will not have said
everything, or you will not have understood everything. In these situations, paraphrase
again until you have understood your partner completely. At this point, when your partner
feels completely understood, he or she can thank you.
32/The Communications Workbook
 33 The Communications Workbook

What You Need to Know

About Communication Skills
34/The Communications Workbook
 35 The Communications Workbook

What Is Interpersonal Intelligence?

interpersonal intelligence involves knowing how to handle yourself wisely

in
situations with others. It seems to involve four abilities. Ask yourself how well
you handle the following four abilities:

l. How well do I organize groups of people? Can I initiate and organize the efforts of a
network of people? How do I do this as part of a couple?

2. How well do I negotiate solutions, mediate conflicts and prevent or resolve them? How
do I do this as part of a couple?

3. How well do I make personal connections with others, empathize with others, make
connections and respond to them? How do I do this as part of a couple?

4. How skillful am I at detecting and understanding people's feelings, motives, and

concerns? How do I do this as part of a couple?

For more information on Interpersonal Intelligence, turn to the Appendix.

36/The Communications Workbook

Intimacy is Good For You

V e news is out! How you get along with your partner actually affects
your
health. Because intimate bonding is such a powerful element in our
lives,
can affect both our emotional and our physical well being. And we are
it

learning techniques to help couples reduce the stress of a difficult

relationship by taking charge of their own nervous system.

Would you like to learn more?

The good news is that there are strategies you can use to turn a dour, sour
situation into something calmer. Have you found any successful techniques to calm down a
fight? What have you tried to calm down an angry, toxic fight between you and your
partner?

My most successful technique is:

To find out how your attempts compare with the research on repairing dangerous fights,
turn to the Appendix.
 37 The Communications Workbook

Time Out For Soothing

s ometimes successful intimacy is knowing what not to say, or when not to say
anything. Based on recent research on what predicts a successful marriage*, we can
advise you on two key points:

1. Soothe your self and your partner for at least 20 minutes when your confrontation
with your partner gets too hot. You simply must take a break—read, watch TV, go for a
walk. Why? The adrenaline rush and rise in heart rate caused by physiological arousal
during a couples clash actually prevents you from thinking clearly. After you calm down
your nerve centers for at least 20 minutes, you may both be calm enough to discuss
your disagreement more successfully.

2. Balance the power between the genders. If a woman has thought through an issue, but
approaches her husband with a softened stance and with acceptance of him, and if he
accepts her ideas and her influence, we can predict a successful marriage. On the
other hand, if she approaches him with blame or anger, and he rejects her, becomes
defensive or belligerent, or presents a stone wall of silence, there is a likelihood of
divorce in the future.

Take a moment to think of your own style in a confrontation. What can you learn
from this research? Can you change?

John Gottman, Ph.D. (March 1998). Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy
 38 The Communications Workbook

Whaddaya You can't

mean? be serious!
39/The Communications Workbook

Two Levels of Coupling: Content and Process

"We don't communicate with each other."

Sure you do...all the time. As someone said, "All behavior is communicative"
(Lederer & Jackson, 1968). There is no not communicating...even silence is communicating.
In relating to another person, it is impossible not to communicate. Communication occurs at
several different levels, often simultaneously. There are always at least two levels of
communication.

First, two definitions...

content issues: topical themes which require mutual consideration for a couple.

process issues: individual differences in communication styles between members of

a couple which form obstacles in effective mutually respectful processing of issues
between them.

All couples agree and disagree over content areas in their lives involving the
universal issues in coupling. Just like you, they may disagree about sex, money, children,
family or origin, in-laws, step-children, careers, belongings, aging, illness, death, vacations,
and many other topics.

B ut the good news is that effective communication involves skills that can be taught
and learned. There are techniques for guaranteeing that the message sent is well
received most of the time.

The communication process you are learning at The Weekend Retreat provides you with
basic tools you need to prevent conflict areas from remaining painfully unmanageable for
decades. Unresolved conflict festers, resulting in fighting, distancing, and fear. Fear results
in mistrust and hampers intimacy. Using the tools, you can better reach mutual and respectful
understanding, especially if you and your partner see things differently. In this way you can
resolve content issues better than before you learned the skills.

Fortunately, you have the rest of your life to practice these basic couples skills.
You'll need it.
40/The Communications Workbook
41/The Communications Workbook

The Business of Coupling

42/The Communications Workbook
 43/The Communications Workbook

What is The Business of Effective

Communication?

M any joint activities involve achieving a goal. Marriage is a financial and legal

partnership. Families need to problem solve together to plan effectively. Colleagues need
to work peacefully for profit.

Recent work on interpersonal intelligence and on conflict resolution indicates the

value of remaining reasonable in working out conflict. Managing your emotions enables you
to remain reasonable. Interpersonal Problem Solving and The Art of Negotiation enable
you to reach an agreement with someone else, despite differences in opinion or personality.
Together, these two skills comprise the basic skills in The Business of Effective
Communications.

One-Liners...

Him: I manage money well, and I told her to get a CO last summer. So she
called me and said, "I
got a CO, "and I said, "How much is it worth?"
Her: And I said, "What do you mean how much is it worth? It plays music."

Maybe that's why we were attracted to each other: I asked you, you couldn't say no, and I
couldn't take it back.
a man in a couple
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Basic Skill: Interpersonal Problem Solving

5 steps to solving problems

I n The Intimacy Loop, you learned how to increase intimacy and understanding with

your partner. Although this skill is crucial in handling your feelings, the language of
intimacy is insufficient in times of indecisiveness, crisis and hardship. In order to problem
solve, you must learn to use different tools and language. You need to think clearly, reason
carefully,

STEP 1: DEFINE THE PROBLEM .

Interpersonal reality is always relative; it is never absolute. So, that two adults
most often actively define a problem somewhat differently. For this reason, each of you
needs to think about and define the problem. Be as specific as you can about the who,
what, where, and how of the problem. You are not focusing on the why of the problem
because causality is difficult to establish and often does not lead to action-oriented
problem solving.

STEP 2: DEVELOP A MUTUAL DEFINITION OF THE PROBLEM TO BE SOLVED.

By defining the problem with someone else, you set the stage to solve it mutually.
First, examine each other's view of the problem. Taking into account both views, develop a
definition of the problem that both of you can live with. Agree to solve this problem
rather than the problem each of you defined at first.

STEP 3: BRAINSTORM.
Two heads are better than one. The more ideas you generate as a team, the more
possibilities you have to structure a solution to your joint problem. In brainstorming, there
are no bad ideas. Agree not to judge or criticize each other's ideas during the
brainstorming session. Try to forget that you favor a particular solution; instead, focus on
the many solutions that are plausible. Your goal is to examine all of your possibilities in a
fair manner, so that you and your partner can reach a good joint strategy.
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Paper and pencil really helps in brainstorming. Brainstormers usually develop lists of
the solutions that each person comes up with to the problems at hand. For example, the
hungry man notices a diner down the block and sees a neon sign for a Chinese restaurant
two blocks away. He offers these as ideas. His wife notices a food store and suggests they
buy something to tide him over so that they can dine in a place both will enjoy. The couple
has thus progressed from misunderstanding and hurt feelings to a number of viable
options.

Step 4: Develop a joint strategy, which may require negotiation (see next section)
Sometimes, life is easy. Sometimes, one solution to a problem is so evident that you
and your partner can instantly agree. And sometimes, you don't care how the problem is
solved; you just care that it's solved. In these scenarios, negotiation is not necessary.
Frequently, however, two individuals continue to have two different opinions. At this point,
a negotiation needs to take place. It is also wise to anticipate the consequences of solving
your problem in a given way. Consider how your behavior will affect you and others involved
in the problem. Ask yourself, "If I do this, what else is likely to happen. Successful
Problem Solving means generating a constructive solution, both for the person solving the
problem and the others involved in it.

Having thought through the steps involved in carrying out your strategies and the
outcomes you anticipate for yourself and others, you are now prepared to choose a
strategy. Review your strategies together, and decide which one seems best to pursue. Be
careful to avoid sour grape reactions if your strategy was not chosen. Instead, focus on
the success of having chosen a good strategy. Agree that if it does not work out this
time, you will learn from your experience, and try a different solution in a similar situation
the next time a problem occurs.

STEP 5: TRY OUT YOUR STRATEGY TOGETHER.

Work as a team. Help each other put the solution to a trial. Give the solution your
full energy and support, even if you initially disagree with the strategy. Later, sit down
with your partner, and assess how effectively the strategy worked. If you were
successful, congratulate yourselves; if not, discuss ways to improve on the strategy. In
either case, express appreciation to one another for focusing on team effort rather than
individual goals.
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Basic Skill: The Art of Negotiation

6 steps to successful negotiation.

Negotiation is actually ox\ elaboration of step 4 of problem solving

W
hen you negotiate, your goal is to develop a position which both of you
think of as advantageous, called a win-win position. You win something for
yourself, your partner and your relationship. In life and business you will
benefit more from reconciling differences. It is not necessary that you get your way all
of the time. In fact, you need to get your own way only about half of the times you
disagree for the relationship to be fair.

Negotiating involves respecting the other person's judgment, good critical thinking,
clear thinking, honesty, willingness to listen to your partner, the ability to be assertive,
and be both persuaded and persuasive. Negotiation has six steps.

STEP 1; AGREE TO REACH AN AGREEMENT .

Agree to make the time to negotiate together until you have reached an agreement.
Then, agree to carry out the agreement.
STEP 2: THINK THROUGH YOUR POSITION.
Plan your strategy. It may be useful to put your strategy into writing. Think about
the task to be accomplished. What would you like to happen? Which outcome would be best
for you, and why? Why would this outcome be good for both you and your partner? What
are the advantages of doing it your way? Take written notes to aid in being persuasive.

STEP 3: PRESENT YOUR POSITION CLEARLY.

Make time and eliminate distractions in order to negotiate. Agree that you will
negotiate fairly, i.e. be fair and honest, not employ threats, insults or guilt.

When it is your turn, think of yourself as a member of a debate team: You are going
to present your position clearly and persuasively. Tell your partner the advantages for
yourself, your relationship, or your family. Use your written notes for clarity.
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While you are speaking, your partner engages to Active Listening, attending
respectfully despite obvious disagreement. The listener tries to understand the other
person's opinions, and reflects this position aloud until both are satisfied that they
understand each other's position.

STEP 4: REACH A NEGOTIATED POSITION.

After brainstorming, you have your own opinion, and that of your partner. If one
position is clearly better than the other, agree to adopt this position. Remember to be
fair in the future so that each person gets their way about half the time the two disagree.
Often, neither position works for both people. Acknowledge that two heads are
better than one, and agree to modify your original strategies or develop an entirely new
strategy together. Work together to "think outside the box" so that new ideas can form.
Try to reach a mutual compromise. Compromise tactics include making a deal with your
partner, trading a favor, softening a hard stance, or mentally stretching to see the value in
doing it your partner's way.
Once you have agreed on a strategy, acknowledge that it is one you both can live
with. Remain positive and hopeful that the plan will succeed. Congratulate yourselves on
working together successfully towards an agreement.

STEP 5: PUT YOUR AGREEMENT INTO ACTION.

It is tempting to second guess the position you worked so hard to achieve. Instead,
agree that you will not back down or change your mind. If you find that you resent your
decision, remind yourself that you have given your word. Silent resentment sours good will
and teaches your partner to mistrust you. The relationship will be stronger if you carry out
the agreement you reached than if you silently set up obstacles to accomplishing it or
grumble about it under your breath. It is hard to agree to carry out the negotiated
stance "with a happy heart." Remain constructive, remind yourself of the advantages in the
position you decided to adopt, and thank each other for agreeing to agree.

STEP 6: LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.

Sometimes strategies don't work very well despite the best of intentions. Resist
the urge to tell your partner, "I told you so." Instead, sit together calmly and talk about
what each of you can learn from the mistake that you made jointly. In this way, you
become less likely to make mistakes over time.
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Using the Skills

Day By Day
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Which Skills When?

y ou have just finished learning two sets of two skills. The Intimacy Loop brings you
and your partner into greater emotional understanding by creating an emotional safe
harbor in which you can share personal material with one another. The Business of
Communication accomplishes life's daily challenges as efficiently as possible with a partner.
At first glance, it seems clear that The Intimacy Loop is the skill set of choice when you
want to be emotionally cozy with a partner. Likewise, at first glance, it seems obvious that
day-to-day living situations are most easily tackled through the Business of Communication.
But life is not this simple.

People report dismay and confusion about using their newfound expertise. First,
they don't know which skills to use when for those situations that are emotionally volatile.
Second, they become dismayed when they try one approach and it doesn't work. To smooth
these concerns, let's address which skills are likely to work in complicated situations.

1. Try Problem Solving first. Since simple Problem Solving keeps you calm and collected,
try it first most of the time. Problem Solving is often a speedy process: It becomes pretty
clear pretty fast whether the approach you try is succeeding.

2. If you can't problem solve, do something different. You need to choose between
negotiating to an agreed position or participating in The Intimacy Loop. If you are trying
to decide something that requires joint action, negotiation is the most direct route to
reach agreement. Try negotiating. If you reach a success, you have been able to resolve
your differences by remaining calm and rational.

3. When all else fails, use The Intimacy Loop. There are times when only The
Intimacy Loop is likely to break a deadlock, even between business colleagues. Sometimes
you need to repeat this loop over and over until partners can open their hearts to the
other. This means that the issue desperately needs resolution. To understand how your
partner feels, park you own position and listen with your hear. Devote your full attention
no matter how distraught you feel. Once this occurs, the two of you can break a deadlock
and move to a deeper level of communication.

4. After The Intimacy Loop, try to negotiate. Often, the time and trouble
involved in understanding the position of the other paves the way to the resolution of a
previously thorny and often chronic trouble spot. Once you both understand what you are
really in conflict about, you may be able to resolve the conflict for the first time in a long
time.
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Watch Out for the Warning Signs

F
or years, we have known about the warning signs for cancer, heart attacks,
Now, finally, to offer warning signs that mean a relationship is headed for
big trouble. Research about divorce has taught us a great deal that we can
use in prevention.

Signs of Trouble in an Intimate Relationship

Wives who confront their husbands harshly are fear arousing. Specifically, a
wife whose face shows disgust frequently feels poisonous to a husband.

Contempt: Mockery, insults, verbal or facial expressions that indicate contempt

(i.e., sneering, eye rolling), are poisonous.

Husbands who do not take influence from their wives are controlling. A man who
disregards his wife's feelings and opinions incurs contempt.

Partners, particularly husbands, who cannot calm down arouse fear and
contempt. Anger floods the nervous system, preventing reason from solving the
issues at hand.

Flooding. An emotional hijacking swamps someone with dreadful and out-of-control

feelings. The nervous system is out of control, muscles are tense, breathing is
difficult. It is hard to think clearly.

Character assassination. Ill will can become a partner in the relationship. Partners
perceive their partners so critically that the perception outweighs what the
spouse does. As contempt sets in, partners doubt the good will and intentions of
one another.
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Learning for a Lifetime:

Tips from Successful Couples'

c linical research indicates that the quality of the relationship between a

couple
influences deeply the well being of each family member. But which attitudes
'and characteristics do we see in couples who enjoy their partners? Here are a
few qualities that are part of long-term well being:

Mutual respect and tolerance for individuality and for the differences which each
person brings to a marriage.

A partner who is both a lover and best friend.

Many more pleasurable, pleasant experiences together than tense, painful

experiences...at least a ratio of 5 to 1.

Frequent physical and verbal affection, including sexual affection.

A willingness for both partners, but especially men, to be influenced by what their
partner thinks.

Soothing touch or messages, especially for men, when partners get tense and angry.
A way to diffuse the tension before it escalates to unstoppable proportions.

The capacity for both partners, but especially women, to tell their partners gently
and softly when displeased, rather than sharply or harshly.

A feeling of being heard and understood by the other person. The willingness,
courage, and ability to be honest.

Controlled, predictable methods of resolving conflicts much of the time.

Maintaining personal and interpersonal integrity, year after year, between partners
and in relation to others.
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Where I am: A Progress Report

A s we have demonstrated in the last hours together, communication is

complicated. Perhaps the best goal you can achieve is to work towards
making each year better than the one before. To do this, it is valuable to
reflect on three questions: What did you hope to achieve in this workbook? What
you have learned? What do you hope to work towards in the immediate future?

Name one or two areas in which you hoped to progress throughout this workbook?

Which good steps have you taken in relation to your goals?

As you think of the immediate future, name two goals central to the next steps in
steps in your growth!
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What Can I Read?

Useful Books for Many Couples

I wish books could change behavior. So do the millions of popular psychology book
consumers. These books are good reading about coupling and make good sense to me. But
they don't change you—you do.

Basic Reading
Barbarch, L. (1984). For Each Other. New York: Signet.
Sex 101 for couples.

Fisher, H. (1992). Anatomy of Love: The Mysteries of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray.
New York: Fawcett Columbine.
A provocative, sophisticated, informative perspective on coupling by the human species. Take it on
vacation.

Fisher, R., & Ury, W. (1981). Getting To Yes. New York: Houghton Miff lin Company.
When Harvard decides to teach us how negotiate, they do a great job. Although this book was not
designed for couples, it may be more helpful to couples than most books on coupling. Read it for
details beyond the scope of The Couples School.

Gottman, J. (1993). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...and How You Can Make Yours Last. New
York: Simon & Schuster.
Jam-packed with information from the most solid marital research in a long time. The style is non-
commercial and understated. If you don't compare it to the pizzazz of pop psychology, you'll allow
yourself to benefit from the volumes of good ideas in these pages.

Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of Anger. New York: Harper & Row.
Pursuers pursue, distancers distance, and these folks couple with one another! Good systems
thinking on a tough topic.

Notarius, C, & Markman, H. (1993). We Can Work it Out. New York: G.P. Putnam & Sons. Plain
talk on making conflict manageable. Based on solid clinical research. We need more books like this.

Satir, V. (1988). The New Peoplemaking. Mountain View, CA: Sdence and Behavior Books.
My personal favorite as a solid, easy-to-read, warm and cozy description of the way in which a
family functions.

Watzlawick, P. (1983). The Situation is Hopeless, But Not Serious: The Pursuit of Unhappiness.
New York: W. W. Norton &. Company.
Tongue-in-cheek on how to make yourself unhappy from one of the brilliant systems thinkers of the
20th century.
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Advanced Reading

Charney, I. W. (1972). Marital Love and Hate. New York: The Macmillan Company.
How refreshing to find a frank discussion of the role of marital hate in marital love. Once you
commit to making marriage work long term, there's even a way to have hatred help you grow. Very
thought-provoking topics for discussions with your partner.

Fisher, R., & Brown, S. (1988). Setting Together. New York: Penguin Books.
More fundamentals on negotiating within relationships.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. New York:
Bantam Books.
A summary of research, theory, and practical suggestions about the interplay between emotions and
intelligence in our loves and in our lives. Learn how central your body is in affecting how you feel and
how powerful you can be in training your body to handle feelings more confidently. If these
concepts were evident to every high school graduate, there would be less divorce. Thought-
provoking, necessary reading.

Lederer, W., & Jackson, b. 91968). The Mirages of Marriage. New York: W. W. Norton &
Company.
A basic roadmap on how marriage is based on correct and incorrect assumptions about how people
communicate and what each partner needs. A classic.

Pittman, F. (1989). Private Lives: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy. New York: W. W.
Norton <& Company.
Scandalously honest discourse about infidelity and betrayal from a master storyteller and family
therapist.

Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Plain talk about how couples can maintain intimacy and passion through the inevitable tough times.
The underlying philosophy supports the workings of The Couples School, giving an advanced course
in sex and passion for the reading. This one you can get your partner to read.

Tenov, D. (1979). Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. New York: Stein and
Day.
If you've ever felt a little nuts when you are in love, this book will tell you why: you were in
limerence. Solid information, deftly woven into easy reading about the experience of being in love
and how it changes over time. Great for unmarried couples.
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Just the Facts:

Answers to the Exercises
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What is Interpersonal Intelligence?

The measurement of intelligence is fairly recent in the history of person-kind. So,

it cones as no surprise that we are still learning what it means to be intelligent. For a
number of reasons, experts in psychology began defining intelligence as a set of verbal and
nonverbal cognitive skills...that is, skills that involve primarily thought.
Recently, however, the definition has seemed too narrow to cover the myriad of
situations in which people vary in their ability to be skillful. Many experts have begun to
think of intelligence as many-fold, not just cognitive. Intelligence seems to involve all of
the senses in being human...touching, seeing, tasting, feeling, thinking. It also seems to
involve the capacity to handle situations, that involve other people, well.

The Universals of Coupling...Information from the Experts

Here are some of the areas universally involved in coupling:

Sex Illness
Money/Finance Death
Sleep Shelter
Food/eating Human enjoyment
Family issues Emotional well being
Health The future of the family
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w hat can we learn from other cultures?

What can we learn about the way coupling works by looking at people who live
differently from us in cultures which operate differently from ours? Marriage is indeed a
very complex institution, and thereby dictates the way many people live. Marriage, all over
the planet, controls how people handle many of their most crucial choices. We can mention
three off the top of our heads.
1. Marriage dictates whether people are monogamous or polygamous. It might interest
you to know that we handle monogamy with the same strictness as the Gusii in Kenya or
the North American Indian. According to Paul Bohannon, many cultures offer people so
much sexual variety that they lose interest in the matter all together. Can you imagine
that?
2. Marriage dictates who raises our children...or does it? In our culture, marriage and
the right to raise your children go together. In other cultures, some people give birth
to the children, while other people raise them. Which do you think is better?
3. Marriage influences with the way a household runs. How we take care shelter, food,
and getting bodily comforts is different if we are married than if we are not married.
But many cultures distinguish between who lives in a house and who sleeps with whom.
How would you adapt to that?

I s love a luxury?

Paul Bohannon, an anthropologist, looked at the relationship between love and

marriage in 11 different cultures. He found that love plays the greatest role in Western
cultures and in nations with higher economic standards of living.
The question arises: Is courtship a come on? Helen Fisher, who wrote The Anatomy
of Love tells us that courtship is often based on an initial attraction between people which
hooks up the "romantic wiring." If the wiring shifts, what is there to hold the marriage
together?
This is all very sobering. Everywhere on earth, marriage is a complex phenomenon.
For us in the west, it is often the final stage in successful courtship and the first stage in
the future of our families.
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Intimacy is Good For You

Damage control for your immune system...That's what good coupling can provide. And
the opposite is also frighteningly true...abrasive and tense relationship can harm you
physically. Here are some other points of interest:
> Caustic discussions, frequent thinking about conflict and marital dissatisfaction can
reek havoc on wives' immune functions, even more than husbands. Even nonverbal
indications of contempt (sneering, eye rolling) can take their toll on the wife in the
form of frequent colds, flu, bladder and yeast infections, and gastrointestinal
symptoms.
> When one partner shows contempt, the other often registers a measurable jump in
heartbeat.
> When a partner floods emotionally and is swamped by out-of-control levels of fear and
anger, the heart rate increase, muscles tense, and breathing becomes difficult.

What can you do to turn a nasty situation around? Here are some pointers:
> Use detoxifying self-talk. Think through problems without the destructive edge if you
can.
> Validate your partner's position by using Active Listening. This does not mean that you
agree with the position, merely that you have understood it, and can let your partner
feel understood. This soothes tension.
> Initiate a calm down period of at least 20 minutes in a fight that has escalated. Be
soothing, calm during this time out. You can cool down physiologically in this period. Do
not return to the fevered pitch, but use the Feelings Primer to manage your feelings
and control your thoughts more positively.
> Practice the techniques in peace and quiet until you over learn them, so that you can
use them when you feel out of control. Practicing The Couples School skills can make a
big difference in a heated
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Credit Where Credit is Due

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Credit Where Credit is Due

Beavers, W. R. (1985). Successful Marriage. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
Beck, AT. (1979). Cognitive Therapy and Emotional Disorders. New York: New American Library.
Buber, M. (1958). I and Thou. (2nd ed.). New York: Charles Scribners Sons.
Bugental, J. F. T. (1965). The Search for Authenticity. New York: Reinhart & Winston.
Charney, I. W. (1972). Marital Love and Hate. New York: The Macmillan Company.
Coche, E., & Coche, J. (1990). Couples Group Psychotherapy: A Clinical Practice Model. New York:
Brunner/Mazel.
Fisher, R., & Ury, W. (1981). Getting To Yes. New York: Houghton Mifflin Company.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. New York:
Bantam Books.
Gottman, J. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and
Marital Outcomes. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Kaufmann, W. (Ed.). (1965). Existentialism from Dostoevsky to Sartre. Cleveland: The World
Publishing Company.
Lewis, M., & Haviland, J. H. (Eds.). (1993). Handbook of Emotions. New York: The Guilford Press.
Neill, J. R., & Kniskern, D. P. (Eds.). (1982). From Psyche to System: The Evolving Therapy of
Carl Whitaker. New York: The Guilford Press.
Notarius, C, & Markman, H. (1993). We Can Work It Out. New York: G. P. Putnam & Sons.
Plutchik, R. (1980, February). A Language for the Emotions. Psychology Today, 68-78.
Prager, K. J. (1995). The Psychology of Intimacy. New York: The Guilford Press.
Rogers, C. (1942). Counseling and Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton Miff lin.
Satir, V. (1988). The New Peoplemaking. Mountain View, CA: Science and Behavior Books.
Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
Tenov, D. (1979). Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. New York: Stein and
Day.
Tillich, P. (1952). The Courage to Be. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.
Wallerstein, J., & Blakeslee, S. (1995). The Good Marriage. New York: Houghton Mifflin
Company.
Watzlawick, P. (1983). The Situation is Hopeless. But Not Serious: The Pursuit of Unhappiness.
New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
Whitaker, C. (1989). Midnight Musings of a Family Therapist. New York: W. W. Norton &
Company.
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A Final Word..

Ovid said it...

"Skill makes love unending.

May you spend the rest of your life perfecting the skill of loving.

Judith Coche, Ph.D.