Bringing up children

Thirty years ago, we lived in a medium sized town. My husband, the

breadwinner worked for the State Government. He was quite contented
with his job and life. I was a housewife or a home maker, if you want to use
modern lingo. As such bringing up children, a son (10) and two daughters (8
and 6) became my responsibility. Perhaps, my desire to see them succeed in
life was greater than that of my husband’s, or I wanted them to achieve what
I aspired.

Normally mothers have affinity towards sons, but I am different. I wanted to

raise my daughters as well as my son with equal care, so that they would
have same opportunity to succeed in life. I planned to use my own trials and
tribulations as lessons. To that end I wrote diaries and took notes on
whatever experience I had, whatever character-building book I read to get a
good perspective. I instilled discipline into my offspring with regular study
and play hours. Apart from that I taught my daughters how to react to
discrimination and self-defense and my son communication and leadership
skills.

During that time our neighbor, a colleague of my husband got transferred to

a far off place. His son, Jatish, who was studying the final year, was much
attached to his school and wanted to stay behind much to the chagrin of the
parents. Rather reluctantly they put him in the school’s hostel and asked us
to keep an eye on him. We didn’t think he needed any observation as he was
a top ranker in his class.

We used to visit him, say, once a month. Suddenly there was a call from
school. I went there to find out that Jatish, hitherto a first bencher was
irregular to classes and scored low in the quarterly exams. I took the
permission from the school and brought him home for the weekend.

On enquiry, I found his original insistence to remain in the school was due to
the freedom his hosteller class fellows enjoyed compared to others. He was
right to an extent, but too much freedom, with a room all one’s own, at that
age is something boys could not easily handle. Jatish likes painting and
skipped classes working on his painting and reading books on painting and
thought he could one day be a great painter, a modern day Rembrandt or
closer to home, M.F.Husain. He reeled off the names and merits of each of
the world’s great painters. Thank God, I was relieved he was not getting into
any bad habit.

It was not difficult to make him understand his priorities. He was quite
intelligent, but lacked guidance. I persuaded him to concentrate on his
studies for the present. I assured him that there would be ample time in
future to develop his artistic talents. I invited him to come to my house on
weekends and vacations to work on his paintings.

He agreed and there were no more complaints from the school. From that
time, he regularly visited us whenever he was allowed and his eagerness to
learn and adapt pleased me no end. He completed his plus two ( K-12 in US
parlance) and visited our home for a parting visit on finishing his final
examinations and that was the last time we heard from him

Years went by and my children grew up as per my wishes and succeeded

quite well at school. I thought my upbringing and guidance played an
important role. My son joined IIT, Madras the first one in our town to do so,
bringing a lot of attention to us, the parents. My husband being laconic and
reserved by nature did not enjoy the limelight much, but I sort of made up
for him. Then my elder daughter studied engineering and followed it by
joining a top ranking management school. The youngest one got a seat in a
prestigious medical school and again encomiums came from far and wide in
my direction.

Those were the hectic times. More years rolled by.

Now, all my children were all married and well placed but worked in cities
much away from our town. They visited us on and off with gifts for both of
us, but that’s about all. We suggested that we take care of their kids till they
are three year old (or until the age one can express oneself); each of them
decidedly said NO.

My children, being equipped with wherewithal to survive in the rat race, did
not want their children to be handled by grandparents. They thought we
would pamper kids, thus stunting the growth, impacting the scion’s ability to
keep afloat in the stream, that the competitive world is.
May be they are right, but It hurt me no end as I always thought I was good
at bringing up children, enforced by all the praise I received from all and
sundry. After all, I thought that my children would recognize my night vigils
and companionship contributed to smooth travel on their own career path.
Alas, it was not to be. They probably came to a conclusion that their own
talent and intelligence made them succeed in life.

We are now used to live without children in the house for the last few years.
Life has become somewhat monotonous. TV is too impersonal to stoke my
interest.

One morning, a fifteen year old boy came to our house and asked for work
and shelter. We really did not need help beyond the housemaid who cleans
utensils and sweeps floor. But I felt somehow interested in the boy and asked
for his parents, native place etc. He said that he was named Sravan and was
coming from an orphanage He was allowed to leave at this tender age, when
a kind hearted person stood a guarantee. Or else, he would have to live there
till he is eighteen year old. He carried documentary evidence to support his
statements.

My husband as usual was non-committal and on a hunch, I allowed Sravan to

join our twosome. He did most of the household chores and in other times I
was trying to teach him a few things and develop his talents. It took an effort
from me to find what he is good at. He had some good traits, honesty and
hard work. But his attention span was short and was not suitable for class
room learning. So I settled for home schooling.

Seeing that he would not go farther in conventional education, I wanted to

make him work on a skill to earn a living and unfortunately, I was not very
successful in my efforts. Finally, much later, we joined him in a driving school,
rather reluctantly and interestingly he could learn driving well and passed a
road test to get license. In order to keep up with Joneses, we bought a car a
few years ago, though we rarely used it.

As my husband developed some health problems, he needed Sravan’s

attention and help which were extended enthusiastically. Sravan became a
good driver and helped my husband commute to work. Sooner than later, he
had become a part of the family He made us feel so comfortable, even our
children accepted him as semi-sibling and called him my adopted son.

More time passed and now, I am sixty year old. My beloved husband left the
world three years ago. On his passing, my children tried to persuade me to
live with them (by turns). I stood my ground and told them it suits me best if
I continue to live in my place. They could visit me at their convenience. They
need not be worried about my wellbeing as Sravan was with me. They could
not say no.

On my husband’s passing, I was left with the house and a car and a monthly
family pension of Rs.50000 . I also have some reserves. And of course,
Sravan.

Last year I began to show symptoms of arthritis. I found it difficult to walk

even a few steps. Sravan took good care of me till I became better. Sravan is
now my driver, caretaker, accountant and what not. He drives me out every
Sunday to nearby park. I am a music aficionado and he books the tickets and
drives me to and from the Concert Hall and other functions as well

He is now 25. We selected a wife for him who is willing to live with us. On
the morning of Wedding Day, we had an unexpected guest, Jatish. I could
not even recognize him at first sight.

“Jatish, Where were you all these years and how did you land on this special
day”, I asked.

There was a long explanation.

Jatish has become software expert in a famous company after graduating

from IIT, Bombay. He also attended the famous Sir J.J.School of Art, while in
Mumbai. As he grew up in life, made it a point to help others and developed
connections with various orphanages as a benefactor.

He thought he owed his success to my counseling that weekend and wanted

to do something in return. Through his parents’ connections in our town he
could learn what was happening to us and our children. It was as if he was
following us incognito.
He could foresee that we would have a tough time in our later days as our
children had little chance of returning home. Then he thought of this plan.

From among the boys in one of the orphanages, he chose Sravan for us and
provided the organizers with the guarantee they needed; the release was
easily obtained as he was their regular contributor and hence dependable.
He took an oath from the boy to never divulge his name and promised the
boy that he will look after his wants and fulfilled it by keeping track of his
progress through regular phone calls. Now I know why Sravan never wanted
to leave us and why he went out for half an hour every Sunday night.

I was deeply moved. With tears in my eyes I asked “What was the need for
all this secrecy?”

“I know you wouldn’t accept the arrangement, if I come out in the open?
Would you? I thought the relationship between you and Sravan should
develop naturally and unconditionally. Even then there is no guarantee for
the success of the idea”

I had to concede.

As he is the Godfather of Sravan, he came to attend his marriage. He also

promised a job for Sravan’s wife in our town itself much to our happiness.

Jatish pursued his performing art with distinction and became a renowned
artist. He gave Sravan an excellent painting as a marriage gift.

I could not but be appreciative and thankful to his noble character and
altruistic nature which is helping the needy, which very well included me.

Summing up, I thought if I was acting in loco parentis for Jatish for few
months many years ago; he paid back with Sravan in the same role for a
much longer time and more importantly when I needed it most.

But, one might ask, what happened to the actual parentage?

I trained my children in ways of achieving success in life, but unfortunately I

could not make them learn life values, perhaps.

Anyhow God made me gain on the roundabouts what I lost on the swings, no
regrets.
C'est la vie - That is life.