Non-Violent

Communication
Introduction
What we say matters

What are the conditions that help us have more meaningful

conversations?

What do we need to focus on the most with kids?

What are the things that make you a valuable
teacher?
Conditions that help us have more
meaningful conversations
1. Presence
2. Intention: what are we after?
3. Where to focus our attention
1. Mindfulness: Being present
2. Intentions: What are we after?
Some intentions that may cause Intentions that can strengthen
us trouble our relationships
When we want to have our way
Control things
Manipulate
Blame
Be right
Win the argument
2. Intentions: What are we after?
Some intentions that may cause Intentions that can strengthen
us trouble our relationships
When we want to have our way To be patient
Control things To listen
Manipulate To be kind
Blame To understand the other person’s
Be right perspective
Win the argument Curiosity and care
3. Where to focus our attention in a
conversation
Four-Part Process of NVC
- Observation
- Feeling
- Need
- Request
Observation
Separate between observations and evaluations

Reduces likelihood that others will

hear our message. Instead, they will
hear criticism and shut down.

Avoid generalizations, be specific to time and context

Example of observation mixed in with evaluation Example of observation separate from evaluation

You are too generous

He is a procrastinator

She won’t get her work in

If you don’t eat balanced meals, your health will be

impaired.
Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.

Jim is ugly.
Example of observation mixed in with evaluation Example of observation separate from evaluation

You are too generous When I see you give all your lunch money to others, I think
you are being too generous

He is a procrastinator He only studies for exams the night before

She won’t get her work in I don’t think she will get her work in.
Or
She said “I won’t get my work in.”

If you don’t eat balanced meals, your health will be If you don’t eat balanced meals, I fear your health may be
impaired. impaired.
Hank Smith is a poor soccer player. Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games.

Jim is ugly. Jim’s looks don’t appeal to me.

Value Judgments vs Moralistic Judgments
Value judgments Moralistic judgments

We all make value judgments as to the We make moralistic judgments of people and
qualities we value in life behaviors that fail to support our value
judgments

Of value/important to me vs not important to Good vs bad

me.
Express how you are feeling

THOUGHTS FEELINGS

vs
 Thought Feeling

I feel that something awful is going to happen

I feel like you don’t care about me

I feel like I’m failing my students

I feel like I’ve got too much on my plate

I feel like my partner is going to break up with me

I feel as if you think I’m an idiot

I feel something is wrong with my son

Needs
We are accustomed to thinking about what is wrong with others when our
needs are not being met
Taking responsibility for our feelings: What others do or say may be the
stimulus but never the cause of our feelings
Our feelings result from
1. Our perceptions of what others say or do - our expectations in that
moment
2. Our particular needs

We have a better chance of having our needs met if we express them

Request
NOT a demand
Use positive language: say what you want rather than what you don’t want
Use clear, concrete action language
Expressing feelings and needs
We can deepen our awareness of our responsibility by using the phrase:

I feel… because I need…

Would you be willing to...
Four Steps of Non-Violent Communication
1. Observation – instead of judgment
2. Feelings – instead of thoughts
3. Needs – instead of blame
4. Requests – instead of demands

I see that you have not done the classwork for 3 consecutive days. I feel
worried because I need to make sure that you understand the lesson.
Could you please try to do yesterday’s assignment in class right now, so
that if you have any questions, I’m here to help you.
Erikson’s
Psychosocial
Stages