THE BIRDS AND THE BEES BY WILLIAM MONETTE

W.G.A. REGISTRATION#1501081 U.S. COPYRIGHT#1-598918001

monettewilliam@ymail.com

ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. DOUGIES ROOM - MORNING (DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, AGNUS) (DOUGIE IS SLEEPING, AND SNORING LOUDLY ON HIS FUTON BED. ANGUS IS UPSTAIRS YELLING FOR DOUGIE TO WAKE UP.) (Dougie is covered up with his blanket, but his boxer shorts are exposed showing a smiling happy face that says yummy on them.) AGNUS (O.S.) HEY, MISTER POTATO MASHER. TIME TO WAKE UP. ITS

(Dougie has a look of disgust on his face when he sticks his head out from the covers to discover that he has been resting his head on an old pair of underwear on top of his pillow;Dougie tosses them to the side.) DOUGIE MOM. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT I WORK AT THE POTATO MASTER. AGNUS (O.S.) OKAY MISTER POTATO HEAD. DOUGIE MISTER POTATO HEADS A LIFELESS TOY THAT DOESNT DO ANYTHING. AGNUS (O.S.) AND YOUR POINT IS? (Dougies alarm clock turns on with music. "Im a loser baby, so why dont you kill me." Dougie gets out of bed, and picks up a hammer underneath his pillow, and smashes his radio.) AGNUS (O.S.) WHAT WAS THAT? DOUGIE (To himself.) Your head under my hammer, any questions?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

AGNUS (O.S.) WHAT DID YOU SAY? LOOK, I GOTTA GO RUN TO MY MEETING. DOUGIE HAVE FUN AT BINGO. (Dougie smells his arm pits.) DOUGIE Wow! I better go freshen up before work. (Dougie picks up a towel, sprinkles baby powder on it, and then rubs some on his arm-pits.) INT. KITCHEN - MORNING MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, AGNUS, CAROL) (Agnus is dumping out cereal on the counter. Dougie walks into the kitchen wearing a shirt that says, "THE SPUD STUD".) DOUGIE Mom, what are you doing? (Dougie grabs a bowl, scoops up cereal from the counter, and some that has fallen to the floor.) AGNUS Apparently, didnt use birth control. (Dougie uses his pinkie finger to dig in his ear, and flicks wax away.) DOUGIE You know I saw this on cops once, after they raided a house. AGNUS Trying to find my good luck charm. Not trying to hide weapons of mass destruction. DOUGIE Im talking about drugs. AGNUS You doing drugs in my house!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

(A knock at the side door. hands her money.) CAROL Im sorry it...

Agnus goes to answer.

CAROL

(Agnus snatches the money quickly, and counts it.) AGNUS It better be all here.(whispered) (Agnus stuffs the money in her bra.) DOUGIE What is she talking about? going on? CAROL Whats with that get-up? Ill call you later. (Carol leaves.) ACT ONE END FADE OUT: FADE IN: ACT TWO DOUGIE What was that about? (Carol grabs a treasure troll out of a cereal box, and pets it.) AGNUS There you are. Bad troll... DOUGIE Mom, focus! Why was Carol giving you money? AGNUS Your asking too many personal questions, dont you think? Okay. DOUGIE I gotta go to work. Whats

Agnus,

(Carol hands Dougie cash from her bra.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

AGNUS Could you take the rent up to Mike after work? Eww. DOUGIE That just came from your...

AGNUS Oh, dont act so new, you didnt wanna unlatch until you were almost four. You chipped your tooth when I dried up. DOUGIE You told me that I fell off the monkey bars at the playground. AGNUS Yeah, more like caught the ground with your face. You should of seen the look on your face. DOUGIE Because of you, I grow up a social outcast in school. AGNUS Hey, for what its worth. That actually improved your looks. (Dougie walks towards the door to leave.) DOUGIE Im going to work, and on the way pretend that Im adopted. AGNUS Hey, potato king. Dont forget to drop off the rent after work... Oh, and one more thing. Clean up this mess to. (Dougie leaves.) INT. THE POTATO MASTER - MID DAY (DAY 1)

(MR. BUTTS, LINDA, TOMMY, DOUGIE, CUSTOMER 1) (Linda is at the cash register speaking into the microphone.)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

LINDA Number 38... Number 38... 38! (CUSTOMER 1 walks over with ticket.) CUSTOMER 1 Oh, Im number 38. (Linda hands him his food.)

Number

LINDA Im really excited for you.(Points to face.) My excited face. CUSTOMER 1 What? LINDA Would you like extra spud sauce? (Tommy hands Customer 1 some spud sauce.) TOMMY Do you even know whats in this stuff? MR. BUTTS Nothing but spud goodness. Thanks for coming in. Try our new number five special next time. CUSTOMER 1 Yeah, thanks. (Customer 1 leaves, and Dougie walks in.) MR. BUTTS It looks like everyone needs to familiarize themselves with chapter one of their employee handbook. Mastering your spud. TOMMY I guess you mastered your spud. MR. BUTTS I have studied, and practiced mastering my spud. TOMMY Did you master your spud alone?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

MR. BUTTS Of course I did. You should try doing it alone. LINDA Im sure he does.(Laughs to herself.) (Dougie walks in.) DOUGIE Hey guys. Whats so funny? did I miss? MR. BUTTS Your late Dougie. Sorry. DOUGIE Having family issues. What

MR. BUTTS You know the rules. DOUGIE But the costume is itchy, and smells funny. EXT. THE POTATO MASTER - MID DAY MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, MR. BUTTS, KID, DAD, O.S VOICES, PASSERS-BY) (Dougie is dressed as a giant potato handing out fliers to passers-by.) MR. BUTTS And remember, a happy spud... DOUGIE Is a happy customer. MR. BUTTS Go getem tiger. (Mr. Butts goes inside.) DOUGIE Try our new special, because your a stud, when you try our spud. O.S Get bent!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

DOUGIE You see, I cant really move in this costume. O.S Hey spud. How about a little extra sauce to go with that? (Someone throws a fountain soda on Dougie.) DOUGIE (To himself.) Could this day get any worse? (A DAD, and KID approach.) KID Look dad. DOUGIE You, and your dad want to try... KID No loser! Dad your right, I never wanna grow up to be this guy. DAD Hey, Im sorry about that.(Pulls out a camera) Mind if we take a picture with you? DOUGIE I dont see why not. DAD Okay. Ready. One, two, three. Say, this guys a loser.(snaps picture.) (Dad, and the kid leave.) DOUGIE HEY, THIS WILL BE YOU IN TWENTY YEARS! (Stranger walks by.) DOUGIE (To stranger.) What are you looking at? Never seen a hot spud before?

8.

INT.

THE POTATO MASTER - MID DAY, MOMENTS LATER

(DAY 1)

(MR. BUTTS, LINDA, TOMMY, DOUGIE) (Mr. Butts walks out of the bathroom.) MR. BUTTS You should walk in there, and see the filth thats on the wall. LINDA I dont think so. That wasnt in my job description. MR. BUTTS Im talking about what someone wrote on the wall. TOMMY If your talking about what I think your talking about, then Im going to need a raise, health insurance, and vacation time. MR. BUTTS What. No, its not what you think. (Tommy walks in, and walks out laughing.) TOMMY Someone wrote hole next to... My name. picture. MR. BUTTS Yeah, I think we get the

TOMMY Sorry mister... MR. BUTTS Dont say it, or your fired. clean it up please. LINDA (Whispers to Tommy.) that wrote that huh? Just

That was you

TOMMY (Whispers to Linda.) Yep. double dogged dared me.

You

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.

LINDA I guess I owe you this then.(Hands Tommy twenty dollars.) Sorry its all in ones. TOMMY Thats okay. Im going to the Cats Tale tonight! (Dougie walks in covered in all sorts of things.) Dont ask. DOUGIE Wheres Mr. Butts?

(Tommy, and Linda laugh.) LINDA Hole. DOUGIE What? TOMMY He went to the back. Go look in the bathroom, its great.(Laughs to himself.) DOUGIE Im sure nothing great has come out of the bathroom. Especially, when you eat double chili dogs. LINDA I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. INT. POTATO MASTER, OFFICE - MID DAY, MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1) (MR. BUTTS, DOUGIE) DOUGIE Hey Mr. Butts, I was wondering. Are you crying? MR. BUTTS No, your just imagining things. DOUGIE No, I think your crying.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MR. BUTTS Its like my childhood all over again. Yeah. DOUGIE I think Im going to go now.

10.

MR. BUTTS I guess you didnt see what someone wrote in the bathroom? DOUGIE I try not to read anything in the bathroom. MR. BUTTS Did you hand out all the fliers? DOUGIE I did. I was wondering if I could leave early today because I have to do something for my mom? (Mr. Butts is sniffling.) MR. BUTTS We might need... DOUGIE No one is coming in. MR. BUTTS Fine. Go do something for your mother. INT. LANDLORD MIKES APARTMENT, FOYER - LATER DAY -(DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, HEATHER, MIKE) (Dougie knocks on the door, and HEATHER answers the door scantily clad.) HEATHER May I help you? ACT TWO END FADE OUT: FADE IN: ACT THREE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11.

DOUGIE Hi. HEATHER Are you here for me? MIKE(O.S) Whos at the door baby? HEATHER I dont know, but I hope this isnt the present you have for me. Me, no. DOUGIE Im actually here...

(Mike peeks out the door.) MIKE Hey, your not Julian. DOUGIE Oh, no. Im actually here to pay the rent for my mom Agnus. We stay a few floors down. HEATHER Your kinda cute for a mommas boy. (Heather plays with her hair.) MIKE Who are you? Go back inside baby, and keep the bed warm. (Heather goes back inside.) DOUGIE Agnus, and Dougie from downstairs. I mean, Im Dougie, but you probably already knew that. MIKE You said Agnus right? You can keep the check, and tell her Ill have the rest later. O-okay. DOUGIE You owe my mom?

MIKE Shes one hell of a lady. Shes got skills for sure. If you (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

12.

MIKE (contd) dont mind, I need to get back to business. (Mike closes the door.) MIKE(O.S) LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE! (Dougie leaves.) INT. AGNUS LIVING ROOM - EVENING, LATER (DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, AGNUS, CAROL, CYNTHIA, DIANE) (Agnus, CYNTHIA, DIANE, and Carol are playing cards at the table.) CAROL Ill call.(Puts down cards.) Third times a charm with these ladies. (Agnus lays down her hand.) AGNUS Very nice Carol, but I have three men, with two bullets.(Collects the chips.) DIANE I wish I had one man with just a few bullets to spare, if you know what I mean? CYNTHIA Im glad I have my Arnie. A military man, with just the right amount of ammo. (Dougie walks in.) DOUGIE Oh, hi ladies. Mom, I tried... AGNUS What the hell are you doing here? DOUGIE I live here.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: AGNUS I mean, what are you doing using the front door? You never come in like that. DIANE He can come through my front door anytime. AGNUS Hey, thats my son your talking about. DOUGIE Its okay mom, its kinda flattering. AGNUS No it isnt. She could do better. DIANE No I couldnt. DOUGIE Mom, he handed me the check back. And he said he would have the rest later. (Dougie hands her the check.) AGNUS Oh thanks. Did you check out his swanky pad? It gets more action than a whore house in Vegas. You could learn a lot. DOUGIE Mom, why does Mike owe you money like Carol? Are you some type of loan shark? AGNUS Loan shark? Man, you are slow. Im just a friendly card player. CAROL Who happens to win all of our money. AGNUS Hey, you want your heart medication back?

13.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

14.

DOUGIE Mom, I cant believe you! AGNUS Oh, get a grip. Im actually kidding. I have a nice set of jewelery. CAROL My great Aunt Linda. AGNUS She had some good taste.(To Dougie.)Why are you home so early, didnt find a girlfriend yet huh? DOUGIE I have a girl, friend! AGNUS Hey, hey. No need to get your whitey tighties in a bunch. DOUGIE There happens to be a girl at work I like. AGNUS Im sure of it. You know Mike owes me a favor. Why dont you go over there, and learn some moves from Casanova. DOUGIE Mom, I dont need help with women. AGNUS Dont talk back to me boy! I can still put you over my knee. DIANE I like to put you over my knee. you can put me over yours? Whichever you prefer. Or

AGNUS Oh, and while your out, pick me up some more Geritol would ya? I like to keep myself flowing naturally. Otherwise, I feel stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. (Dougie exits.)

15.

INT. LANDLORD MIKES FOYER - LATER EVENING - (DAY 1) (DOUGIE, MIKE, TIFFANY, HEATHER) (Dougie knocks on door.) TIFFANY Who are you? DOUGIE Im looking for Mike. (Heather steps out the door.) HEATHER Its you again. Im Heather, and this is Tiffany. DOUGIE Hi Tiffany. I remember you Heather. HEATHER Wow, you must be some type of psychic. DOUGIE Im sorry, I dont follow. TIFFANY You should try it sometime. (Mike steps out the front door.) MIKE Im in the middle of something. Tell Agnus that I will have it... DOUGIE No. This is really stupid, but she sent me to learn... Women. Women? MIKE You want to become a woman?

DOUGIE No, my mom thought you could do her a favor, and teach me how to catch women.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16.

MIKE Ill do it, but tell your mom that this is it. We are even. Come back tomorrow, and well get started. Okay. DOUGIE Goodnight. Tomorrow then.

HEATHER Oh, we will have a good night. MIKE What did you say your name was again? DOUGIE Dougie. (Dougie leaves.) TIFFANY Im not dressed for the circus. MIKE Youre special for my big top. Come here, let me tame you. (Mike, Heather, and Tiffany run inside closing the door.) INT. LANDLORD MIKES APARTMENT, FOYER - LATER DAY -(DAY 2)

(DOUGIE, MIKE, SANDRA) (Dougie knocks on the door, and SANDRA answers dressed in a tennis outfit.) DOUGIE Hi is Mike home? MIKE(O.S) Hey, come in Dougie. SANDRA Bye. (Sandra leaves.) DOUGIE Bye.

17. INT. LANDLORD MIKES LIVING ROOM, MOMENTS LATER - (DAY 2) (MIKE, DOUGIE) MIKE Have a seat. I spoke to your mom Agnus on the phone. I have to tell you that your mom is... DOUGIE Crazy, the spawn of Satan? MIKE Shes ready to be a grandma, but doesnt want crazy cross-eyed grand kids. Wow. DOUGIE Kids, smelly diapers.

MIKE Whens the last time you had a girlfriend? DOUGIE Um? Times up. do. MIKE We gotta lot of work to

DOUGIE Theres a girl at work. MIKE Im guessing that you like her from far. Dougie, mental relationships are not real. DOUGIE What do you mean? MIKE Lets go out. I wanna teach you something about women. DOUGIE Okay, I was wondering. tennis? Do you play

MIKE Never played a day in my life. Oh, you mean Sandra? Yeah, shes got a great game.

18. INT. CLOTHING STORE, LATER DAY - (DAY 2)

(SALES PERSON, MIKE, DOUGIE) (Dougie is trying on clothes in a dressing room. throwing clothes over to Dougie to try on.) (SALES PERSON walks over.) SALES PERSON May I help you with something? MIKE Yes, are these all the clothes, and sizes that you have here? SALES PERSON Im afraid so, you could try the thrift store down the street. MIKE Oh, thanks. Youve been very helpful. SALES PERSON Well, I am to please. (Sales Person exits.) MIKE Doing okay in there? Were going to go on a field test after this. (Dougie steps out of dressing room.) DOUGIE Field test? MIKE We, and I mean you, are going to meet a woman... And you look great by the way. Thats the one. DOUGIE I feel like some uppity yuppie. And when you say meet a woman, you dont mean from a street corner? MIKE No, no. We are going to a bar. Where else can we meet single desperate women? Mike is

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

19.

DOUGIE You should see my moms poker night. INT. BAR, MUCH LATER - (DAY 2)

(DOUGIE, MIKE, NATAS) MIKE Okay were here. Now the first thing I want you to do is; like I said in the car, is to engage a woman. DOUGIE Engage, got it.(Laughs to himself.)Sounds like we are sword fighting. MIKE Hey, focus. I want you to visualize the room. Theres a woman right over there by herself. DOUGIE Maybe shes waiting for someone. MIKE That someone is you? Do you see how see is stirring her drink? She is thinking about how she can find a good man, and you are that man. DOUGIE Im that man. MIKE Yes, your that man. Go get her tiger, and dont talk to much about yourself because women like to talk about themselves. Just listen. DOUGIE What should I say? MIKE Say, I can see your glass is almost empty, how about a refill? DOUGIE Okay, wish me luck. I am a tiger.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

20.

MIKE Go getem tiger. (Dougie walks over to NATAS, and Natas gestures him to sit down.) MIKE (To himself.) Mikey, I think she likes him.) (Dougie walks back over to Mike.) MIKE Whats wrong? DOUGIE She wants to take me back to her place. MIKE So, whats the problem? tiger. DOUGIE What about you? MIKE This is your moment to shine. Dont worry about me Ill be fine, but I better get details later. (Mike slaps Dougie on the butt before he walks back to Natas.) (Dougie and Natas leave.) INT. DOUGIES ROOM, MUCH LATER - (DAY 2) (NATAS, DOUGIE) (Dougie is tied up to his bed with nothing but his boxers on, while Natas is chanting, and holding a knife in her hand.) DOUGIE I dont think this is what I had in mind. ACT THREE END FADE OUT: (CONTINUED) Go get her

CONTINUED:

21.

END CREDITS