Mr. Mayor- "Laxfield"
 
 
 
written by
 
 
Eli Miller
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
612 E 3460 N, Provo, UT, 84604
1-801-960-7361
elistevenmiller@gmail.com
INT. MAYOR‘S HOME- MORNING
NEIL is walking clothes from his closet to an open suitcase
on his bed while singing.
NEIL
Tall and sad but kind of lonely
The girl from Argentina goes
dancing,
And while she's dancing,
Orly peaks her head into the room-
ORLY
Dad the car's here… Do you mean
girl from Ipanema?
NEIL
Same thing.
ORLY
But we're not going to either.
Neil winks at Orly, he places the last shirt into the
suitcase and zips it up. Orly smiles.
NEIL
Tahiti, here we come!
Neil pulls two tickets out of his pocket and hands one to
Orly.
NEIL (CONT'D)
Now let’s see, doors?
ORLY
Locked.
NEIL
Lights?
ORLY
On a timer.
NEIL
We’re set. That's everything!
ORLY
Mail pick-up?
NEIL
I’m the Mayor, someone has been
doing that for me!
 2.

ORLY
Yeah, me.
NEIL
Oh.. If that’s the case, then I’ve
forgotten.
ORLY
I thought you might, so I took care
of it. I asked Terry next door?
NEIL
Snoopy Terry?
ORLY
Yeah.
NEIL
I don't know about that...
ORLY
At this point we don't have time to
find a better option. Let's go!
 
Neil and Orly walk down the driveway into the Mayor's limo. A
neighbor in a Snoopy (Charles Schults Peanuts) bathrobe waves
from the porch holding up the mail, when they get in the car,
she opens the mail and reads it.
CUE OPENING CREDITS

INT. MAYORS LIMOUSINE- MORNING

Arpi, Tommy, Mikaela and Jayden sit around the limo.
ORLY
What's everybody doing here?
NEIL
I told them to come, just wanted to
get a tad more work done before we
left.
ORLY
Dad, we're on vacation, they can
handle it.
NEIL
I know, but sometimes you just need
to be involved. Go ahead Mikaela.
Mikaela pulls some papers from a folder and speaks.
 3.

MIKAELA
Next on the agenda is our proposal
to the International Olympic
committee on LA's cultural
presentation at the 2024 games.
NEIL
That's right. No one thought China
could be outdone, but then London
had James Bond parachute out of a
helicopter with the Queen of
England.
JAYDEN
Her Majesty, the Queen.
NEIL
Same thing. Point is, I refuse to
be outdone by someone twenty five
years older than me.
JAYDEN
The queen is a hundred and ten?
Neil shoots Jayden a glare.
MIKAELA
Moving on. Tommy.
TOMMY
Yeah, I was thinking we lean into
Hollywood. We could do a Hollywood
sign, or like a walk of stars.
ARPI
Walk of stars, huh? Great idea!
What could be better than
advertising to the world that we
spend millions of dollars idolizing
uneducated propaganda pushers.
TOMMY
It was just a suggestion.
MIKAELA
Alright, Arpi, if that's the case,
what do you suggest.
Arpi calms and sits back down.
 4.

ARPI
As we are a society of immigrants,
no culture is truly our own, so any
cultural ceremony would purely be
an act of plagiarism. Therefore,
my proposal is to denounce an
opening ceremony.
Everyone moans at Arpi's suggestion.
NEIL
You're complicating it. How about
Westerns? We lean into Hollywood
and Los Angeles's early days. You
know one of the greats!
MIKAELA
Dances with Wolves?
TOMMY
Brokeback Mountain.
JAYDEN
Back to the Future III!
ARPI
I refuse to participate in the
glorification of colonialism and
genocide.
Neil shakes his head in disappointment.
NEIL
No, no, think the classics!
JAYDEN
Like Clint Eastwood in the 60's?
ARPI
Once again the evils I warn against
are ushered into my living room and
offered camomile out of my favorite
mug.
The limo driver rolls down his window to address the cabin of
the car.
DRIVER
The guy at the booth just gave me
this.
NEIL
Huh, that's odd, I don't remember
the airport having a booth before.
 5.

Neil takes a flyer from the driver and reads.

NEIL (CONT'D)
(reading from flyer)
Welcome to LAX. When our airport
Commissioner learned airports
aren’t actually autonomous no mans
land as middle school small talk
suggests, she announced the
secession from Los Angeles into a
new city. And as always, thank you
for flying with us.
Neil stunned looks up at his staff.
ARPI
Without the tax revenue brought it
from LAX, how will we ever be able
to afford to return the Venice
Beach boardwalk to the Italians?
NEIL
I can resolve this quick and easy,
I'll head to the commissioner's
office right away.
ORLY
Dad, our trip!
MIKAELA
I’m sure Tommy and I can handle it.
NEIL
No, I really ought to take this
one. I’d like you and Jayden to
come with me, though.
JAYDEN
Mikaela and I were actually about
to leave to Fox tower to collect
donations for the policing
alternatives program.
NEIL
Tommy and Arpi can handle that one.
I need you here.
JAYDEN
On it sir.
Jayden awkwardly tries to stands in the limo and salutes the
Mayor.
 6.

INT. ENTRANCE TO LAX- MIDDAY

The automatic doors slide open, they enter the departures
entrance to the terminal.
A giant mural is being installed that says “Welcome to
Laxfield”. However, instead of the typical California sign
with text floating above rolling hills of orange groves, the
text sits above rolling asphalt with groves of traffic cones.
NEIL
Orly, take our bags through
security and go to our gate. I'll
meet you there.
Orly heads to security, the others approach a help kiosk.
NEIL (CONT'D)
Excuse me, my office called I’m
here to-
KIOSK WORKER
To be checked into the Laxfield
Senior Citizens home, of course!
NEIL
No I- You have a Senior Citizens
home?
KIOSK WORKER
Why yes. As a fully operational
town, Laxfield has secured all of
the necessary facilities to compete
with any and every major city.
NEIL
That’s nice, but I need to see
Commissioner Moon.
KIOSK WORKER
Ah! You must be one of the
candidates for fire chief, she’ll
be thrilled.
NEIL
Uh, yeah, candidate for fire chief.
KIOSK WORKER
Of course. After security, turn
right and go until you hit the
middle school, take an escalator up
to the Water treatment facility and
you will arrive at city hall.
 7.

Neil, Jayden, and Mikaela look stunned.

MIKAELA
To Security.

INT.SECURITY LINE-DAY
The three take off their shoes and empty their pockets into
trays. TSA officers sleepily observe them. In addition to
uniforms, they wear police hats with the label "LPD."
Ahead in line an old man has taken off his shirt and has his
pants around his ankles leaving him in his boxer shorts as
the officer tries to explain that that this isn’t necessary.
A woman picks up her empty water bottle after it goes through
screening. She spits a mouth full of water she has been
holding in back into the bottle.
Neil takes off a nice watch, Mikaela removes jewelry, Jayden
begins removes a variety of toys and trinkets from his
pockets, a pez dispenser, Pokémon cards, and a Tony the Tiger
action figure.
Up ahead a security guard pulls a box of chocolates out of a
plastic box.
SECURITY GAURD
As a member of the upper class tax
bracket you are subject to a 50%
tax.
The guard begins picking out chocolates from the box.
AIRPORT PATRON
How do you know I’m upper class?
SECURITY GAURD
You have a first class ticket to
Dubai, sir. Well that, and you were
able to afford a bag of airport
gummy worms.
MIKAELA
They can’t do that!
NEIL
Sure they can, at my house it’s
called dad tax.
JAYDEN
Yeah Mikaela, it’s totally a thing.
Tax evasion is no laughing matter.
(MORE)
 8.
JAYDEN (CONT'D)
Sort of like how you're not
supposed to joke about bombs at an
airport.
Security guards all perk up at "bombs", they approach Jayden.
SECURITY GAURD
You'll need to come with us sir.
They take Jayden into a backroom while he looks to Neil
nervously.
NEIL
I'm sure he'll catch up.
Neil approaches to go next.
SECURITY GAURD
Ticket sir.
NEIL
One second I put it in the bin.
Neil goes back to the bins and see's that his bin going into
the machine. He reaches into grab it.
NEIL (CONT'D)
Got it!
He leans back but his tie is stuck in the gears and conveyer
belt. It begins rolling and he begins to get pulled inside.
NEIL (CONT'D)
Help, somebody help here!
The officer running the belt bushes the back button a couple
times. But it's jammed. The officer shrugs and Neil gets
pulled inside the machine.
On the monitor that shows the inside of bags we see Neil's
skeleton as he goes through the detector. The machine beeps,
waking the officer in charge of monitoring. A text box says
"exceeds 3 ounce liquid limit." The officer groggy pushes a
button, causing Neil to come out on another conveyer belt.
He comes out and officers pat him down. He squirms as they
touch him.
NEIL (CONT'D)
Look, people of all ages need
affection, but have you ever heard
of subtlety?
The officer doesn't laugh at his joke.
 9.

EXT. FOX TOWER- DAY

Arpi and Tommy are walking through busy crowded streets to
the tower.
ARPI
It looks as though the fine people
of Los Angeles are lining up in
droves to donate to the cause.
TOMMY
I guess, but I didn’t really
anticipate seeing so many bald men.
They turn the corner to approach Fox Tower. The shining
skyscraper looming overhead.
TOMMY (CONT'D)
Oh my…
ARPI
It sure is something. The fat cats
who work in a place like this must
be swimming in it. I can see it
now, therapists, outreach programs.
Bu-bye LAPD.
(giggles)
TOMMY
No, this is Nakatomi tower.
ARPI
What?
The two enter the front doors into the lobby of the building.

INT. FOX TOWER- CONTINUOUS

TOMMY
As in Die Hard.
A giant stage is set up and booths line the lobby floor. A
banner is hanging that says “Die Hard 34th Anniversary
celebration.”
There are props from the movie displayed including shot up
getaway vans, police cars, cases of machine guns and walky-
talkies, as well as a mannequin wearing a sweaty tank top
with the police badge around the neck.
Arpi is upset. She runs to the front desk.
 10.

ARPI
What is this cult worship of
violence and frivolity! We are
supposed to be here raising money
for policing alternatives!
RECEPTIONIST
Ah yes! The fundraiser, you‘ll be
on the 17th floor.
ARPI
How is anyone supposed to find us
there with all of this going on?
RECEPTIONIST
I’m not sure, but you better get
going.
Arpi grits her teeth and turns toward the elevator.

INT. COMMISSIONER MOON’S OFFICE-DAY

Neil and Mikaela are ushered into a small glass room. It is
a glass "smoking station" that has been converted into a
makeshift office. Heavy fans blow. Seated behind the desk
in airport commissioner Moon. She has two security guards and
a personal assistant standing behind her.
COMMISSIONER MOON
(she speaks loudly over
the blowing fan)
Yes, welcome, fire chief Manapori
was it?
NEIL
Surprise, it's actually me, Neil
Bremmer, Mayor of Los Angeles.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Yes! Los Angeles, the cute little
town down the road. I knew you
would pop up one of these days. I
have... how much time do I have
until our next appointment?
PERSONAL ASSISTANT
One minute and twenty three
seconds.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Yes. Now how can I help you? Is
it about the Clippers?
(MORE)
 11.
COMMISSIONER MOON (CONT'D)
I told them that we've already
purchased the Lakers and it's quite
tacky to have two teams.
NEIL
You took the- Wait, No, you can't
just secede. There are processes.
Why are you even doing it.
COMMISSIONER MOON
As you are aware, the airport as
been under construction until
further notice for the last 49
years. To guarantee job security,
we need to keep it that way. My
solution, two words, government
funding.
NEIL
This is all for money? That's not
right, what about the people?
COMMISSIONER MOON
Let me tell you a little story.
PERSONAL ASSISTANT
Excuse me miss, times up.
One of the multiple-car luggage golf carts pulls up outside
the glass room.
NEIL
Hold on, we're not done! If
there's one thing I know as mayor,
it's walk and talk, let's go.
Commissioner Moon and her crew sit on the back rear facing
seat at the end of the cart. The cart begins moving. Neil
and Mikayla follow behind on foot having the conversation.
COMMISSIONER MOON
When I was 7 years old and all of
the other children were selling
lemonade, I started a different
business. Rapture pet care.
NEIL
Pardon?
 12.

COMMISSIONER MOON
(In infomercial voice)
When the rapture comes and you're
taken while the wicked burn, the
last thing you want to worry about
is who's changing Mittens kitty
litter! For a single payment of
600 dollars, your pet will receive
an after lifetime care service, so
you can enjoy paradise in peace.
Neil shakes his head intrigued at where this is going.
COMMISSIONER MOON (CONT'D)
So what's the moral of the story?
NEIL
That you are emotionally prepared
to live alone the remainder of your
days in a dystopian wasteland
caring for cats?
COMMISSIONER MOON
No. That from the age of 7 I was
willing to swindle hundreds of
dollars from the elderly, so I'm
clearly not going to be swayed by
the argument of "do the right
thing."
The cart is picking up speed as it zigs and zags its way
through the airport. Neil and Mikaela are now in a brisk
walk.
COMMISSIONER MOON (CONT'D)
Which is bold coming from the mayor
working with potential bombers.
The cart turns a corner to reveal open range, it picks up
speed. Neil and Mikaela break into a jog to keep up.
The commissioner waves her hand and a security guard pulls up
a large suitcase that they have been carrying. He places it
on his lap and unzips it, revealing Jayden crammed inside, he
gasps for air.
JAYDEN
I'm sorry sir, I wasn't going to
talk, but then they took me to the
Cinnabon and I told them
everything.
Neil and Mikaela look at each other at first nervous, then
puzzled.
 13.

MIKAELA
What could you have possibly told
them?
JAYDEN
That the Mayor always throws away
the cheeseballs his sister makes
him during Christmas, and that on
that date with the guy you liked
you said you loved Top Gun, even
though you've never actually seen
it.
MIKAELA
Okay, but I like Tom Cruise, so
that's not completely untrue.
NEIL
And another thing- there is a
difference between throwing away
and regifting.
The cart is picking up more speed, Neil and Mikaela are
running now.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Time is up, now please leave and
take the Clippers with you.
Neil holds up his finger to protest, the two guards behind
the commissioner sit up straight on the cart, and one cracks
his knuckles.
MIKAELA
Just a minute, you can't just-
COMMISSIONER MOON
As a self appointed mayor, I can do
whatever I want.
MIKAELA
Wait... Self appointed?
COMMISSIONER MOON
You heard me.
MIKAELA
Under city ordinances, a mayor must
be duly elected. You aren't a real
Mayor, and this isn't a real city
until then.
PERSONAL ASSISTANT
I'm afraid she's right miss.
 14.

COMMISSIONER MOON
Fine, I'll run for mayor. Set up a
polling stations in the sky miles
VIP lounge next to the sushi bar.
PERSONAL ASSISTANT
Certainly. Polls can be open in 30
minutes, and votes counted by the
end of the day.
MIKAELA
(while panting)
Excellent. I'd like to nominate
Neil Bremmer.
COMMISSIONER MOON
You can't do that!
PERSONAL ASSISTANT
Actually she can.
Neil takes off his jacket, and ties it around his waste. He
has large sweat stains and is losing energy fast.
NEIL
This is exciting! I just ran for
mayor a year ago, I'm basically
still in campaign mode.
COMMISSIONER MOON
This is an extreme waste of time,
you'll never beat me.
NEIL
Not extreme, just treme. I just
have to remind the people they are
spending 16 dollars on a side salad
that only has two croutons. Two
croutons!
Neil and Mikaela stop running, Neil bends down hands on knees
to catch his breathe. They finish the conversation while the
cart drives out of view. The guards shove Jayden off the
back of the cart he tumbles on the floor, and stands up with
the other two.
COMMISSIONER MOON
(yelling from the
distance)
Then I suggest you double check
your will, and have one last drink,
because you're about to get killed.
Neil's phone rings.
 15.

NEIL
I'm on my way now sweetheart, just
have to cross a few T's and I'll be
there in a jiff.

INT. FOX TOWER 17TH FLOOR- DAY

Tom and Arpi sit in an empty room. Tom scrolls through
instagram on his phone, Arpi paces the room anxiously.
ARPI
It doesn't make any sense, we had
at least a dozen donors scheduled
to be here.
TOMMY
Closer to twenty actually. I found
one of them online, they are live
streaming the event downstairs. In
an ironic turn of events it looks
like Die Hard is Hans Grubering the
attention or our donors.
ARPI
What are you saying?
TOMMY
I'm saying that unless we yippee
ki-yay our way through that
presentation then we can expect our
donors to be the casualties of the
worlds worst excuse for a Christmas
movie.
ARPI
I still am at a loss for the
strange way in which you speak, but
I agree, it's time to claim what is
ours.

INT. FOX TOWER- LOBBY

The elevator doors open to the lobby floor which is now
shoulder to shoulder crowded. They both appear overwhelmed.
TOMMY
This is impossible. Let’s just
call it quits, we can reschedule
for another day.
 16.

APRI
Absolutely not Thomas, as the
temperature of the crucible rises,
we will endure as a testament to
the effectiveness of municipal
government.
Tommys eyes widen frustrated as he lets out a deep breath.
TOMMY
Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’ll go start
hitting up people for money at the
bar, if I need you I’ll look for
the only woman here in a pantsuit.
Begin Montage: The two split up and begin approaching guests
for money. Tommy at the bar is getting far with people as
they both laugh, and then he asks for money and they walk
away. Inter-spliced with cuts of Arpi getting knocked around
in the crowd as she is significantly shorter than others.
She starts a conversation and then gets swept away by the
crowd. She is becoming increasingly more angry and upset.
Arpi finds a corner of the room where a bunch disgruntled
wives are sitting on their phones waiting for their spouses.
She begins making traction and people are really excited.
End Montage.

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL- DAY

Neil, Mikaela, and Jason make their way through the airport
to begin campaigning.
NEIL
I think we got a pretty crackerjack
team right here. I'll be Mayor in
no time.
MIKAELA
You already are the mayor, sir.
With all due respect, this is a
waste of time. I'll go do some
research and find some legality
claims against them and you go
catch your flight.
Neil puts an arm around her and pulls her in close.
 17.

NEIL
Someone has lost that famous Los
Angeles sunshine in the step, we
need to pep you up. One of my
famous analogies should do.
Mikaela moans, and Jayden jumps up and down giddily.
NEIL (CONT'D)
During World War Two, there was no
temperature control in airplanes,
so it was freezing cold. They had
to wear thick burkas. But instead
of complaining they filled an ammo
can with canned milk and coco
powder. Then, voila, ice cream!
JAYDEN
Does this mean we're dropping the
silly campaign and you're taking us
out to ice cream!
Neil's smile fades into an irritated disappointment as he
realizes Jayden doesn't get it.
MIKAELA
No. It means that for some reason
when a white man turns 50 they
either learn how to smoke meat or
invest far too much time learning
about World War II. Now we know
what path our boss took.
NEIL
Both actually. It means despite
limitations, we can make some magic
happen.
MIKAELA
So what you're really saying is you
don't have any idea on how we're
going to win this.
Neil pauses and looks quizzically at her and then breaks,
showing his cards.
NEIL
Nope, not at all. But I'm your
boss so you have to do what I say,
and I say we're going down ice
cream churners a blazing.
JAYDEN
So true!
 18.

They both look over to Jayden realizing he isn't paying

attention. He is finger drawing into his tablet.
NEIL
What you got there Jayden?
JAYDEN
I’m working on some of our campaign
posters!
He holds up the image, it is a crappy finger painting of two
strawberries with limbs and eyes holding hands. With the
phrase “We would be ‘berry’ happy if you voted for us!”
JAYDEN (CONT'D)
As you can see, they are lesbians.
You know, so we can get votes from
lesbians.
Neil turns over to Mikaela and grabs her shoulders.
NEIL
Please, you're my only hope.
MIKAELA
Fine but this better reflect in my
Christmas bonus.
NEIL
Without a doubt, in fact, you'll
have my job by the time we're done!
MIKAELA
Oh, please do not put that out into
the universe.
She begins fanning the air around Neils mouth.
Quick cut between shots
-A stack of suitcases is piled on the moving walk way and the
Mayor sits on top like a parade float doing his best princess
wave. The suitcase pileup hits the end of the moving walkway
and falls apart, Neil crashes to the ground getting buried in
suit cases.
-A crowd is gathered around a pretzel shop, the mayor has his
head under the hot cheese dip fountain drinking the cheese.
MIKAELA (CONT'D)
Now can Commissioner Moon do this!
 19.

Neil slows down and the cheese starts pouring out of his
mouth all down his shirt. He coughs with all of the cheese
in his mouth and sprays Jayden and Mikaela.
The crowd laughs and cheers.
NEIL
(Mouth full of cheese dip)
Sank you! Now Wememba, bedda wif
Bwemma!
He flashes his signature smile but has cheese in his teeth.
-The door to the room labeled "lost and found" cracks open
and Neil peeks out and looks back and forth. Mikaela
standing across the hallway gives him a thumbs up. Jayden
runs out pushing a giant bin on wheels.
-The three of them stand at a busy intersection handing out
items from the lost and found bin. They hand out roller
blades, a pink toilet seat cover, and a piñata. A young boy
approaches and Jayden hands him a confiscated longbow, and a
quiver filled with arrows and other confiscated knives.
Jayden holds up the royal wedding commemorative door mat. He
waits til Mikaela and Neil aren’t looking and he slides the
mat down inside his sweater vest.
Mikaela if trying to pawn off a stuffed duck to a large man
with a buzzed Mohawk in a tank top and camo shorts walking
past.
MIKAELA
With the promise of your vote, your
mantle will be the proud owner of
this limited edition gold billed
crested mallard.
MAN
That’s a whistling canvasback,
moron.
MIKAELA
No one asked you, duck boy!
Neil is over at the bucket trying to sweet talk an old lady
into taking a candelabra.
NEIL
It’s made out of 30% real nickel!
OLD LADY
Got anything else?
 20.

Neil starts rummaging through the bin looking for anything

else that the woman might want. She squints and points!
OLD LADY (CONT'D)
Ooo! I’ll do it for the puppy!
Neil pulls out an oversized T-shirt. It has an image of a
Dalmatian with peg leg, earring and eyepatch, holding a
bikini bottom in it‘s mouth. With the caption “Pirates Cove
Virgin Islands: Come and find some Booty!”
The old woman can’t seem to read the caption, then shrugs her
shoulders. Mikaela gives Neil the don’t you dare look. He’s
about to put it back when the old lady takes it.
OLD LADY (CONT'D)
You got my vote!
She slides the oversized t-shirt on over her clothes and
begins walking away. Mikaela glares.
NEIL
Oh, come on, it’s not that bad.
As the old woman turns the back of the shirt shows the bikini
top in the sand with the phrase “set your puppies free!.”
Mikaela slugs him in the arm.
NEIL (CONT'D)
I suppose I deserve that one.
-The three watch as people are lined up at the polls. Neil
and Mikaela look at one another excitedly. They turn and see
Jayden doing a terrible dance to the airports ambient music.
MIKAELA
Jayden stop, this isn’t helping.
JAYDEN
Don‘t blame me, the music demands
it! And what the music wants, the
music gets.
Jayden closes his eyes and does a quick back and forth step
while moving his arms like a butterfly.
MIKAELA
Here's the icing on the cake. We
haven't seen Moon all day.
Neil get's a phone call.
 21.

NEIL
They've started boarding? That
usually takes like 3 hours with all
the different groups.
(beat)
No, they can't handle this without
me.

INT. FOX TOWER- LOBBY

Arpi is talking to the group of woman in the corner when the
lights in the lobby go down.
INTERCOM
Ladies and gentleman, the moment
you’ve all been waiting for!
Cheers erupt from the audience.
INTERCOM (CONT'D)
Our very own detective John Mclane-
Bruce Willis!
The crowd cheers. A spotlight turns on and Bruce Willis runs
on stage. He grasps his hands together while shaking them in
the air, mouthing the word thank you.
BRUCE
Welcome to the party, Pals!
The crowd cheers. The woman around Arpi leave her high and
dry as they are entranced into the stardom of Bruce. Arpi
not ready to take it, chases after them into the mosh.
BRUCE (CONT'D)
I hear we‘ve got one last auction
item ladies and gentleman.
Everyone reaches into their wallets to check the cash they
might have.
ARPI
(in a mocking voice)
I would, I just don't carry cash.
Arpi looks and see’s one of the woman who was about to give
her money. This woman flips through hundreds of dollars.
BRUCE
That’s right, the winner will spend
a day with myself and my lovely
wife Emma at our 1.36 acre ranch.
 22.

The crowd cheers again.

BRUCE (CONT'D)
Now let’s start out at-
LADY
Six hundred dollars!
The crowd cheers.
BRUCE
That’s not dead people I see, but
some people ready to go big!
MAN
Eight Hundred.
LADY 2
Nine!
MAN
Two thousand!
The crowd cheers again.
ARPI
This is supposed to be mine!
Arpi is making her way to the high bidders.
LADY
Twenty two hundred!
MAN
Thirty five hundred
MAN 2
Four!
The crowd cheers again and the energy level rises. There is
a moment of silence.
BRUCE
Did I mention that 100% of the
proceeds will go to help our
wonderful brothers in blue, the
LAPD?
The crowd cheers. Arpi fumes and an eye twitches at LAPD.
LADY 2
Five thousand five hundred!
 23.

The lady that was about to give money to Arpi is waving the
money in the air.
ARPI
That’s it.
There is a moment of silence as they wait for other bids.
Arpi pushes through about to reach the woman.
BRUCE
Once, twice!
Arpi runs up and takes the money out of the hand of the
woman.
LADY
Hey! Where do you get off?!
BRUCE
Calm down ladies, let me remind
you, I am a married man.
The crowd laughs, letting off a bit of the edge. Arpi stands
up and begins making a get away.
BRUCE (CONT'D)
Security? Security?
Security guards approach, each holding a taser.
GUARD
Give him the money and come with us
miss, don’t make it harder than it
has to be.
Arpi reluctantly hands over the money and the gaurds escort
her over to the elevator. It opens and they walk inside.
BRUCE
(calling from the stage)
Hey sweetheart, I know everyone
wants to be a Shabillionaire or
something like that, but there are
easier ways to fame and fortune-
ARPI
Sweetheart?!
The elevator door closes. We hear screams, punching, a taser
sound. Silence. Everyone looks to the elevator. DING. The
door opens. The two guards are unconscious on the floor.
Written in lipstick across the white shirts is the phrase
“Now I’ve got a taser, tazer, taser.”
 24.

The elevator ceiling tile has been moved. Someone steps in

and looks through.
MAN
She’s gone!
INTERCOM (ARPI)
Hello, Hello? Is this thing on?
Everyone looks up and around for where Arpi might be.
BRUCE
Alright Babydoll shows over.
INTERCOM
Babydoll? Do you know who I am?
BRUCE
I don’t know hun, but I know you
know who I am.
Bruce looks around for any sign of Arpi.
ARPI
So much ego in such a little man.
BRUCE
Enough, somebody cut the
electrical, Daddy’s talking.
ARPI
You’re going to regret that.
The security guard hands the money to Bruce Willis, and the
woman who won stands on the stage with him.
POV SHOT:
Arpi overlooks the vaulted lobby, she is on an emergency
walkway. The emergency closet open, with a firehouse tied
around her waist. She dives and flies towards Bruce, but he
takes a step to the right and she swings right past him. She
crashes into a display wall. The hose snaps and Arpi falls to
the ground.
BRUCE
That's gonna leave a mark.
The audience laughs, Arpi stands up and looks at Bruce.
Security guards on each side of him holding out tasers.
BRUCE (CONT'D)
Games over. Hands up.
 25.

Arpi puts her hands behind her head very slowly. She starts
laughing. Bruce looks nervous. In Die Hard fashion the
camera pulls back behind her, she has a pink box duck taped
to the back of her blazer. She reaches in and pulls out two
donuts and throws them. The two guards with Bruce follow the
doughnuts and jump after them, leaving Bruce vulnerable.
ARPI
Time to answer for the crimes of
your gender.
Arpi charges and wraps her arms around Bruce and pushes him
off stage. An overhead slow motion shot, shows Bruces
terrified face as he falls backwards toward the ground that
mimics the Die Hard death scene of Hans Gruber. Then slam,
he lands the 3 foot fall onto the ground.
POLICE OFFICER
LAPD!
An officer dives on top of Arpi. A dozen other police
officers follow creating a giant dog pile.

INT. COMMISSIONER MOON’S OFFICE-DAY

Neil, Jayden, and Mikaela stand in the center of the office,
Commissioner Moon sits at her desk surrounded by her cronies.
They all look to a screen with the spinning pin wheel and the
statement “finalizing vote tally.”
While they wait, Mikaela skims through some papers. The room
goes silent, the numbers show on the screen. First Neil. The
number spins quickly then slowly settles to 1,231 votes. They
cheer.
NEIL
Someone wishes they may have done a
little more campaigning, now don’t
they?
Commissioner Moon’s number spins. It settles. 18,476. Her
team claps for her. Someone pops a bottle of champaign.
NEIL (CONT'D)
How? I didn’t see you campaign?
Commissioner Moon's mouth twists into a grin.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Why would I? While you ran around
selling yourself as the batteries
not included candidate, I skipped
straight to winning.
 26.

NEIL
And how is that?
COMMISSIONER MOON
(in salesperson voice)
Welcome aboard flight A312 to
Wichita. We are pleased to inform
you that you are eligible to enter
a raffle to earn 500,000 flyer
miles. Please take out your
phones, and vote on
yougotmooned.com.
NEIL
I guess you do have more to offer
then peanuts, pretzels, or cookies.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Now if you'll excuse me.
Commissioner Moons driver pulls up in the golf cart train
and she hops aboard prepared to leave.
MIKAELA
Wait! Ms. Mayor, one last agenda
item.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Make it quick, I'm redecorating and
I'm going to see someone about jet
fuel scented candles.
MIKAELA
As a concerned citizen I'd like to
know where you are going to be
redirecting the salaries of
yourself and you team.
The Commissioner is taken off guard and Mikaela gets the
attention of her team.
COMMISSIONER MOON
I beg your pardon?
MIKAELA
You see, the standard Mayor in
California can makes about two
hundred K annually, and your
annual salary is millions. That
money is now tax income opposed to
private business transactions.
COMMISSIONER MOON
What are you saying?
 27.

MIKAELA
I'm saying that now that no matter
how much money you make, as long as
this is a city, once you get your
salary, the rest of the money will
need to be redistributed into
services for your citizens.
COMMISSIONER MOON
This is a joke?
The assistant taking notes leans forward.
ASSISTANT
Not a very funny joke.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Yes, it seems as though on top of
not understanding how to win, they
don't know how to tell a joke.
NEIL
Mikaela is a lot of things, but one
thing she's not is funny!
Mikaela turns and gives Neil a hurt face.
MIKAELA
Hey!
Neil panics trying to recover.
NEIL
I mean right now. Like in this
instant. Other times you're
totally funny! Like, super duper
can't catch my breath funny. Just
not right now... Which is rare! In
fact this is the first time you’ve
ever not been funny.
Mikaela raises one eyebrow.
NEIL (CONT'D)
..and that's because.. this isn't a
joke. She got you! Isn't she good!
No wonder she's chief of staff.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Why should I believe you for a
second.
MIKAELA
Don't believe me.
 28.

She hands the papers over to the commissioner. She skims the
page with her people looking over her shoulder.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Then how do you explain the mayor's
money?
MIKAELA
Now that's a joke.
Neil shoots Mikaela the eyebrow.
NEIL
Watch it.
As they've been bickering, Mayor Moon has been skimming
through the documents frantically.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Enough. If there is one thing you
can count on me for, it's being
entirely motivated by financial
gain. I can see clearly now that
there is none, so my first and
final act as mayor is to disband
Laxfield.
Neil, Jayden, and Mikaela celebrate.
COMMISSIONER MOON (CONT'D)
So much for that hustle. What was
the next bullet point on the list
of diabolical ways to up our
revenue?
ASSISTANT
Remove all leg room to cram in more
seats?
COMMISSIONER MOON
We implemented that years ago.
ASSISTANT
We can always cut it more.
COMMISSIONER MOON
Let's do that, now let's go before
I miss my 6:30.
NEIL
6:30? Already? My flight!
 29.

INT. PRISON LOBBY- NIGHT

A guard escorts Arpi from the back of the prison, he removes
her handcuffs and gives her a bag of personal items.
ARPI
Hit me, what'd the bail run you?
TOMMY
No clue. I just used the city
card. Apparently Neil anticipated
this happening sooner or later, and
set aside an Arpi's bail fund.
ARPI
I'm simultaneously insulted and
impressed at that foresight.
TOMMY
He got something right.
ARPI
If that's the case, why the long
face Thomas?
Tommy gulps. He hands Arpi a newspaper.
ARPI (CONT'D)
(reading from newspaper)
At today's 34th anniversary
celebration of Die Hard, crazed fan
attacked beloved star Bruce Willis
at charity auction.
Arpi roles her eyes, disgusted.
NEWS CASTER
Across the country, organizations
like Crabbers that see dead people,
and "ride a tractor for Bruce"
raised money in solidarity with
Bruce Willis. Bruce's agent was
pleased to announce that Bruce has
sustained no serious injuries and
that Bruce couldn't be happier at
the 2 million dollars raised.
Arpi turns red and begins scrunching the newspaper, Tommy
takes it.
ARPI
Hell is even worse than I imagined.
 30.

INT. CITY HALL OFFICE ROOM- NIGHT

The city office is empty other than Orly scrolling through
her phone while she sits on a couch. Half the lights are off
and a lady comes in with headphones and vacuums.
Some lights flicker on and Jayden and Mikaela enter the
office.
JAYDEN
Orly, what are you doing here?
What about the flight?
ORLY
We missed it. He dropped me off
here because it's close to the
airport, he said he needed to run a
couple errands, then he'd pick me
up and take me home.
Mikaela gives a little pouty face and goes over to give Orly
a hug.
MIKAELA
I’m so sorry! He means well, he
just has a lot on his plate.
Speaking of your dad, where is he?
ORLY
I thought he was with you?
Another door opens. Tommy and Arpi enter into the office to
collect their bags and go home.
ORLY (CONT'D)
Congratulations you two, I saw the
news.
Arpi looks down refusing to make eye contact.
ARPI
To say that sarcasm is in poor
taste would be an understatement
right now.
ORLY
Sarcasm?
TOMMY
You know, because we didn’t raise
any money, in fact we spent it,
bailing Arpi out of prison.
 31.

ORLY
You mean this wasn’t one of the
classic reverse psychology tricks
where you trick Arpi into doing
something ridiculous to accomplish
what you wanted all along?
Tommy looks intrigued. Arpi looks confused then turns to
Orly.
ARPI
Explain yourself!
Orly pulls out her phone and pushes play on a clip. It’s the
chief of police in a press conference.
POLICE CHIEF
As you all know, the squad set the
ambitious goal of 1 million dollars
for bullet proof collars for the
German Shepherd unit. However, due
to the generosity of the Bruce
Willis fans across the United
States bringing in an addition two
million, which was matched by the
Bruce Willis stunt doubles memorial
agency, we are pleased to announce
with the additional four million,
we will be able to fund the mayors
new policing alternatives program.
The audience claps and and lots of cameras flash at the
police chief.
POLICE CHIEF (CONT'D)
This new program will include
furthering education programs for
all on duty officers, community
outreach programs, and provide
social workers and other resources
for at risk communities.
There is more applause at the press conference. Orly turns
her phone off.
MIKAELA
You raised double the goal!
ARPI
My ability to impress others is
sometimes only surpassed by my
ability to impress myself.
 32.

TOMMY
Let's be impressed in the morning,
I'm exhausted and still have to
take Orly home.
ORLY
Huh?
TOMMY
Your dad texted and said he got
busy and doesn’t have time to pick
you up and asked if I could drive
you home.
Orly looks down at the floor.
ORLY
Oh, okay.

EXT. MAYOR HOME- NIGHT

The car pulls up in front of the Mayors house. Neil is
standing in the drive way leaning on the back of the car in a
Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts.
NEIL
Surprise! As soon as I found out
we missed our trip to Tahiti, I
went right to work on planning
something new. We're driving to
the Oregon coast!
Orly runs up at hugs her dad. Neil closes his eyes and leans
into the hug, but then opens them as he is interrupted.
NEIL (CONT'D)
Just one second dear, I’m getting a
face time call
JAYDEN
(on facetime)
Hey mom, I'm in the tub, can you
turn my playstation on? Oh, oops,
wrong number.
Neil hangs up, but then gets another call and answers it.
NEIL
Yello.
(pause)
(MORE)
 33.
NEIL (CONT'D)
The Olympic committee has arrived
early and are coming to see our
presentation first thing in the
morning?
(pause)
You know what Mikaela, I won’t be
able to make it, but I think you’re
just the person for the job. tell
me all about it when I get back
next week.
ORLY
Thanks dad.
NEIL
Don’t mention it, it’s what I
should have been doing all along.
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE TO PLAY DURING END CREDITS
MIKAELA
Honorable Olympic Committee, we’re
pleased to present our Clint
Eastwood Western tribute.
Jayden, Arpi, and some others walk out in cowboy garb,
holsters, guns, cowboy hats, etc. The lights dim.
JAYDEN
Five, six, seven, eight!
The ensemble breaks out into a choreographed dance number.
Jayden is thrilled having the time of his life. Arpi is
stone faced, absolutely miserable as she dances along half
heartedly. They perform Clint Eastwood's Paint Your Wagon.
JAYDEN (CONT'D)
Hand me down that can o’ beans,
hand me down that can o’ beans!
ENSEMBLE
Hand me down that can o’ bean,
we’re throwing them away.
Tommy covers his mouth to try to hide his laughing. The two
Japanese Olympic officials look each other and shrug, then
begin clapping along.
They continue dancing, the Japanese dignitaries clap along
and the credits end.
FADE TO BLACK