1

The Seven
Principles
for a
Successful
Marriage
John D. Alicea

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3
Copyright © 2021 by John D. Alicea All rights
reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical
reviews or articles, no part of this book may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
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per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center,
Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA o1923.
(978) 750-8450, fax While the publisher and author
have put forth their best efforts in preparing this
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as to its accuracy or completeness, and they
expressly disclaim any implied warranties of
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Sales representatives or written sales materials
may not create or extend any warranty.
Cover Design: John D. Alicea
Printed in the United States of America

4
 Contents
● Introduction .7
● The Truth About Happy Marriages:
Inside the Seattle Love Lab. 10
● Marriages with Emotional
Intelligence.12
● Why Do Most Marriage Counseling
Sessions Fail? 14
● What Makes a Marriage Work? 20

● Building a Solid Relationship.22

● The Secret Weapon of a Happy
Couple. 25
● How Do I Foresee Divorce? 27
● The First Sign: A Difficult Start-Up. 29
● the second sign:The Four
Horsemen.31
● the third Sign:Flooding. 43
● The Fourth Sign: Body Language. 46
● The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair
Attempts. 48
● The Sixth Sign: Negative Memories.52
● Principle 1: Boost Your Love Maps. 57

5
 Contents
● Principle 2: Favoritism and admiration.
should be nurtured. 60
● Principle 3: Instead of turning away
from each other, turn toward each
other. 64
● Principle 4: Allow your partner to have
an impact on you. 69
● Principle 5: Solve the Problems You
Can Solve. 72
● Principle 6: Overcome the Blockade.75
● Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning.78

6
 Introduction
We were pleased to share the results of our study into
relationships when we went down to create the first
version of this book, but we knew we'd meet some
criticism. Could a scientific study of romantic love, which
is ethereal, distinctive, and personal, provide practical
counsel to couples in the real world? We're glad to
announce that The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work has done exactly that after more than a
century and millions of readers. Countless readers from
all around the world have told us that the book's
techniques have helped them improve, protect, or
rescue their relationships. Newlyweds, conventional
spouses, two-career partners, devoutly religious
spouses, military couples, cohabitants, same-sex
partners, not-yet-marrieds, divorced persons looking
into the future, and counselors who work with all of the
above have all expressed gratitude to us.
It gives us tremendous pleasure and pride to know that
we have been able to assist so many individuals. We're
also encouraged that research continues to back up
what our readers tell us: The Seven Principles may
have a significant beneficial impact on your relationship.
In fact, a randomized clinical study conducted by John
and his co-authors (Julia Babcock, Kim Ryan, and Julie
Gottman) found that married couples who simply read
The Seven Principles and worked through the quizzes
and exercises on their own (without receiving any
additional professional help) were significantly happier
in their relationships, with the effects lasting a year later.

7
The original experiment had been designed to use
these "book-only" couples as a control group to test
marital therapy techniques, but simply reading this
book proved to be so successful that it bollixed the
research: the original experiment had been designed
to use these "book-only" couples as a control group to
test marital therapy techniques!
You might be wondering why we opted to rewrite the
present book, given its excellent track record. The
answer is simple: since he first "crunched the figures"
on what makes relationships thrive and how to forecast
and prevent divorce, John's study and work with
couples has evolved. On the value of marital
companionship, there are now 42 years of longitudinal
data. There's also a growing corpus of data on
marriage outcomes for a variety of groups, including
low-income families, partners who have recently
become parents, same-sex couples, and people of
various ethnic origins. This research has confirmed the
universality of the Seven Principles and increased our
knowledge of why they are so effective and how
couples may use them to their full potential.
This strategy has been shown to have a favorable
impact in a rising number of controlled trials. In a
randomized clinical trial, unhappy couples who
attended a combination of Gottman workshops on
conflict resolution and marital friendship, as well as
nine sessions of Gottman Method Couples Therapy
based on The Seven Principles, showed the most
long-term benefit and the least relapse a year later.

8
Another area where the Gottman Institute has had
considerable success is in assisting couples after the
birth of their first child, which is a stressful moment in
most relationships. (In the three years after the birth of
their first child, over 67 percent of couples report a
significant reduction in marital satisfaction.) The Seven
Principles method is used in the Bringing Baby Home
program to address the specific concerns of new
parents. Unhappy couples who participated in the
two-day program significantly improved their marital
happiness in a randomized clinical study. The training
also enhanced both the parents' contact with the infant
and the child's emotional and verbal development, as
well as reducing postpartum depression and marital
antagonism. Similar findings have been seen in
hospital-based investigations in Australia and Iceland.

9
 The Truth About Happy
Marriages: Inside the Seattle
Love Lab
Mark and Janice sat down to breakfast on a remarkably
cloudless Seattle morning. The waters of Montlake
create a deep blue swath outside the apartment's
picture window, as runners jog and ducks waddle
around the lakeside park. Mark and Janice are taking in
the scenery while eating French breakfast and reading
the Sunday paper. Later, Jhon will most likely turn on
the football game as Lucy talks on the phone with her
mother in St. Louis.

The three video cameras bolted to the wall, the

microphones clipped talk-show style to Mark and
Janice's collars, and the Holter monitors strapped
around their chests appear to be ordinary enough inside
this studio apartment. Mark and Janice's gorgeous
studio with a view is not, in fact, their flat. It's a
laboratory at the University of Washington in Seattle,
where I oversaw the most extensive and inventive
marriage and divorce study ever conducted.

As part of one of these experiments, Mark and Janice

(along with forty-nine other randomly selected couples)
agreed to spend the night in a fictitious apartment
known as the Love Lab. Despite my team of scientists
watching them from behind the one-way kitchen mirror, 10
cameras recording their every word and facial
expression, and sensors tracking bodily signs of stress
or relaxation, such as how quickly their hearts pounded,
their instructions were to act as naturally as possible. (In
order to maintain basic privacy, the couples were only
observed from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. and never when in the
restroom.) The unit had a foldout sofa, a full kitchen, a
phone, a TV, and a music player. Couples were
instructed to bring their groceries, novels, computers,
needlework, hand weights, and even their
pets—whatever they would require to have a usual
weekend experience.

Nothing was more ambitious than uncovering the truth

about marriage—finally answering the questions that
had perplexed people for so long: Why is marriage so
difficult at times? Why do some long-term relationships
spark while others fizzle out like a time bomb? And how
can you keep a marriage from falling apart—or save
one that is already in trouble?

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 Marriages with Emotional
Intelligence
It's astonishing how simple it is to make a marriage
work. Happily married couples are not more intelligent,
wealthy, or mentally savvy than others. However, in
their daily lives, they have discovered a dynamic that
prevents their negative thoughts and sentiments about
one other (which all couples experience) from
overwhelming their good ones. They welcome one
other's needs rather than creating an environment of
dispute and opposition. When responding to a partner's
request, their slogan is usually a helpful "Yes, and..."
rather than "Yes, but..." This positive attitude not only
helps them to retain, but also to enhance, the sense of
romance, play, fun, adventure, and learning that is at
the core of any long-term love affair. They have an
emotionally sophisticated marriage, in my opinion.

After only fifteen minutes of seeing and listening to a

couple, I can determine if they will divorce.

Emotional intelligence is now widely regarded as a

significant indicator of a child's future success. The
more in touch a youngster is with his or her feelings and
the more equipped that child is to comprehend and get
along with people, the brighter that child's future will be,
regardless of academic IQ. The same may be said
about spouses.
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The more emotionally sophisticated a couple is—the
better they understand, appreciate, and respect one
other and their marriage—the more probable it is that
they will live happily ever after. Couples may gain
emotional intelligence in the same way that parents can
teach their children. As easy as it sounds, mastering
this skill may keep husband and wife on the right side of
the divorce chances.

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 Why Do Most Marriage
Counseling Sessions Fail?
Other laboratories have acquired comparable findings
to ours in recent years, and they have also devised
ways for enhancing couples therapy and reducing
relationship difficulties. Despite the progressive
development of beneficial and optimistic techniques, the
majority of marital therapists continue to provide
treatment that does not address the underlying causes
of long-term relationship failure. To get to the next level
of awareness about how to keep our relationships
healthy, we must abandon certain long-held ideas about
marriage and divorce.

If you've had or are having relationship problems,

you've undoubtedly received a lot of advice. It often
appears that everyone who has ever been married or
knows anyone who has ever been married believes he
or she possesses the key to ensuring lifelong love.
However, most of these beliefs, whether expressed by a
psychotherapist on TV or a knowledgeable manicurist at
the local mall, are incorrect. Many such views, even
those advanced by bright thinkers, have long been
discredited—or deserve to be. But they've grown so
ingrained in popular culture that you'd never guess.

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Perhaps the most common fallacy is that
communication—specifically, how to overcome
conflicts—is the royal way to romance and a long,
happy marriage. Whatever a marital therapist's
theoretical orientation, whether you choose short-term
or long-term treatment, or read relationship advice blogs
on a regular basis, the message will be consistent: learn
to communicate better. It's simple to see why this
method has gained such widespread appeal. When
most couples get into a fight (whether it's a quick spat, a
full-fledged shouting brawl, or dead silence), they each
brace themselves to win. They become so concentrated
on how upset they are, on showing that they are correct
and their spouse is incorrect, or on maintaining a cold
shoulder that the lines of communication may get
clogged with static or shut off entirely. So it seems
logical that couples would find answers and restore their
marital equilibrium by quietly and tenderly listening to
each other's perspectives. Indeed, listening skills and
problem-solving approaches play a vital role in
establishing and maintaining a relationship. However,
too often, these tactics are regarded as being all that
couples require in order to prosper. Couples that do not
"well" issue solve are deemed bound to fail. Neither of
these assertions is correct.

15
Active listening is the most commonly advised strategy
for resolving conflict, and it is employed in one form or
another by the majority of marital therapists. A therapist,
for example, may advise you to engage in some type of
listener-speaker conversation. Assume Rick is irritated
because Judy works late most evenings. The therapist
instructs Rick to make his concerns in the form of "I"
statements that focus on what he is experiencing rather
than accusing Judy. "I feel lonely and overwhelmed
when I'm home alone with the kids at night while you're
working late," Rick will remark, rather than "It's so
selfish of you to always work late and expect me to take
care of the kids by myself."

Judy is then requested to paraphrase Rick's message,

both in terms of content and emotion, and to
double-check her work with him. (This demonstrates
that she is attentively listening to him.) She is also
expected to validate his sentiments, to let him know that
she respects and empathizes with him even if she does
not share his point of view. "It must be difficult for you to
watch the kids by yourself while I'm working late," she
could add. Judy is being requested to suspend her
judgment, refrain from arguing for her point of view, and
reply in a nondefensive manner. "I hear you," for
example, is a popular active-listening phrase. "I feel
your grief," for example, may be the most unforgettable.

16
Problem resolution is designed to take place without
animosity by forcing partners to see their differences
from each other's perspective. This method is
suggested regardless of the specific issue—whether
your conflict is over the size of your shopping bill or
significant differences in your life objectives. Conflict
resolution is promoted not just as a panacea for difficult
relationships, but also as a tonic that may keep strong
marriages from failing.

Where did this technique originate? The approaches

developed by the renowned psychotherapist Carl
Rogers for individual psychotherapy were modified by
the pioneers of marriage therapy. Rogerian
psychotherapy was popular in the 1960s and is still
used to some extent today. His technique comprises
reacting to all feelings and thoughts expressed by the
patient in a nonjudgmental and welcoming manner. For
example, if the patient says, "I simply loathe my wife,
she's such a nagging bitch," the therapist nods and
replies, "I hear you saying your wife nags you, and you
despise that." The objective is to establish an empathic
atmosphere in which the patient may explore inner
ideas and feelings and confide in the therapist.

Because marriage is ideally a partnership in which

individuals feel secure being themselves, it makes
sense to teach couples in unconditional understanding.
Conflict resolution is undoubtedly aided when one side
exhibits empathy for the other's point of view.
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The issue is that treatment that focuses primarily on
active listening and conflict resolution is ineffective. Kurt
Hahlweg and colleagues performed a marital therapy
research in Munich and discovered that even when
active-listening techniques were used, the typical
couple was still upset. Those few couples who did
benefit reverted in less than a year.

When we first started looking at marriage therapies

centered on conflict resolution, we discovered that they
all had a high rate of recurrence. In reality, the finest of
this sort of marital treatment, done by Neil Jacobson,
had a success rate of approximately 35 to 50 percent.
In other words, according to his own research, only 35
to 50 percent of couples noticed a significant change in
their marriages as a consequence of the therapy. A year
later, less than half of that group, or 18 to 25% of all
couples that sought counseling, had preserved these
benefits. Consumer Reports recently polled a wide
sample of its members on their experiences with
various types of psychotherapists. The majority of
therapists obtained extremely high client satisfaction
ratings, with the exception of marital therapists, who
received very low scores. Though this poll did not
qualify as rigorous scientific research, it confirmed what
most practitioners in the field already knew: marriage
counseling did not benefit the majority of couples in the
long term.

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When you think about it, it's easy to see why counseling
that focuses exclusively on active listening to save
relationships fails so often. Judy may do her hardest to
listen carefully to Rick's complaints. However, she is not
a therapist who is listening to a patient complain about a
third person. Behind all of those "I" words, her spouse is
slamming her! The Dalai Lama comes to mind as
someone who can be kind in the face of such criticism.
However, you or your spouse are unlikely to be married
to one of them. (Even in Rogerian therapy, when the
client begins to complain about the therapist, the
therapist shifts from empathy to other therapeutic
techniques.) Active listening requires couples to engage
in Olympic-level emotional acrobatics, even if their
relationship is barely able to walk.

I'm not saying that validation, active listening, and "I

statements" are ineffective. They may be quite
beneficial when seeking to resolve conflicts. In fact, as
you'll see later in the book, I even advocate them to
couples in a modified version with certain rules. But
here's the catch: even if these tactics make your fights
"better" or less frequent, they won't rescue your
marriage. All Seven Principles are required.

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What Makes a Marriage Work?

Earlier in my career, the advice I gave couples was very

much what you'd hear from any marital therapist at the
time—the same old suggestions about conflict
resolution and communication skills. But when I looked
at my own statistics, I had to confront the harsh reality:
teaching couples to disagree more "nicely" could lessen
their stress levels when they disagreed, but it wasn't
always enough to breathe new life into their
relationships. Only when I examined the interactions of
spouses whose relationships sailed effortlessly through
difficult seas did the appropriate approach for these
couples become evident. Why were these marriages so
successful? Were these master couples smarter and
more stable, or simply luckier than the rest?

Could what they had learned be passed on to others?

It became clear quickly that these happy couples were

never ideal relationships. Even among couples who
stated they were highly satisfied with one other, there
were significant differences in temperament, interests,
and family values. Conflict was not uncommon. They
fought about money, employment, kids, housework,
sex, and in-laws, exactly like the miserable couples.

20
The wonder was how they managed to negotiate these
difficulties while keeping their relationships joyful and
stable.

It took hundreds of couples being studied to discover

the secrets of these emotionally sophisticated
relationships. No two marriages are identical, but the
more closely my study team and I examined successful
marriages, the more obvious it became that they had
seven characteristics. Happily married couples may be
unaware that they adhere to these Seven Principles, yet
they all do. Unhappy marriages always fell short in at
least one of these seven areas—and sometimes in
several. You may secure the success of your own
marriage by understanding these Seven Principles.
You'll learn to recognize which of these components are
weak places, or prospective weak spots, in your
relationship and how to direct your attention where it's
most needed. In the next chapters, we'll reveal all the
secrets of keeping (or restoring) a happy marriage, and
we'll hold your hand while you apply the tactics to your
own relationship.

21
 Building a Solid Relationship

My colleagues and I have fully researched the anatomy

of marital friendship in the years since this book was
first released, and we have furthered our knowledge of
why it is so important to relationship success. The
wonderful sentiments that envelop happy couples like
Nathaniel and Olivia are a result of their mutual
emotional understanding. This is what I refer to as
connection attunement. The more proficient couples
grow at accomplishing it, the more robust their
friendship becomes, and the more stable and hopeful
their future becomes. Some couples are born
attunement experts. Others (most of us!) will have to put
forth some effort. It's well worth the time and effort.

As couples become more acquainted and bond with

one another, they construct what I refer to as their
Sound Relationship House. The various floors or levels
of the Sound Relationship House are made up of the
Seven Principles. These values are inextricably linked
to trust and commitment, which serve as the protecting,
weight-bearing walls of the house.

Because the necessity of trust and commitment to love

success appears self-evident, you would think that
examining these traits scientifically would bring little
value. It turns out, however, that this is not the case.
22
I was able to deconstruct what it means to commit to a
partner and relationship thanks to the Love Lab's
statistics. In reality, I've been able to build calculations
that can identify whether couples have a high degree of
trust or are likely to suffer infidelity in the future using
the principles of Game Theory (a well-known
mathematical method to understanding conflict). (This
study on trust and deception, as well as how to prevent
or recover from infidelity, is detailed in our book What
Makes Love Last?.) A couple's trust metric—an
indicator of the partners' believe in each other—is one
of these equations.

Consider two newlywed couples who are evaluated in

the Love Lab. At first appearance, they appear to be
equally capable of constructing a Sound Relationship
House. When my team codes and analyzes the details
of their discussions, however, the findings reveal
significant differences. Dennis and Jackie are on the
bright side of things. They appear to be professionals in
long-term relationships, much like Nathaniel and Olivia.
They have high expectations for each other and their
relationship. Even when they passionately disagree,
they are able to acknowledge one other's point of view
to some level. They both report feeling worried when
the other appears sad or injured on a film of them
interacting in the lab. Their biological readings of heart
rate, blood pressure, and other parameters back this
up. Their happiness is dependent on the sentiments of
their lover. 23
They are sensitive to each other's feelings, have a
strong sense of empathy, and have a high level of trust.
This couple's trust metric is at the top ranges, according
to my calculations. Overall, they're doing a fantastic job
of constructing their Sound Relationship House.

Tina and Matt are on the other extreme of the newlywed

trust scale.

Unlike Dennis and Jackie, these two are having a hard

time connecting emotionally and committing to each
other. They show a lack of mutual understanding and
faith in their relationship when chatting in the Love Lab.
Tina's moods are unrelated to her husband's feelings.
When he expresses remorse about not earning a
promotion at work, she ranks her sentiments as
"neutral." Her bio readouts don't show any indicators of
stress, such as high blood pressure or a fast heart rate.
Her husband's reactions mirror her separation from her
emotions. Clearly, this couple's trust metric is poor.
Their capacity to have a full emotional and sexual life
will be severely impacted if nothing changes between
them. They will also have a much harder time getting
out of fights and other bad confrontations.

24
 The Secret Weapon of a
Happy Couple
Friendship is not prevented by rediscovering or
reinvigorating it, but it does provide a secret weapon
that guarantees quarrels do not spiral out of control.
Here's what happens when Lucy and John have a
disagreement. Tensions between them are high as they
decide to relocate from the city to the suburbs. They
agree on which apartment to purchase and how to
design it, but they disagree on whether or not to buy a
new automobile. Olivia believes they should join the rest
of the suburbanites and buy a minivan. Nothing could
be more dreary for Nathaniel than a Jeep. The greater
the decibel level, the more they talk about it. You'd have
major worries about their future together if you were a
fly on the wall in their bedroom. Lucy suddenly puts her
hands on her hips and sticks out her tongue in perfect
mimicry of their four-year-old son. Nathaniel sticks out
his tongue first since he knows she's about to do it.
After that, they both burst out laughing. This foolish
competition, as usual, helps to diffuse the tension
between them.

We have a technical name for what Lucy and Nathaniel

are doing based on our study. We believe they are
attempting to repair something. This word refers to any
foolish or otherwise ineffective speech or action that
keeps negativity from spiraling out of hand. 25
 Repair attempts are an emotional intelligent couple's
hidden weapon, even though many of these couples
aren't conscious that they're using something so potent.
When a couple has a deep bond, they naturally become
professionals in sending and reading repair attempts to
one other. When couples are in negative overdrive,
even a direct attempt at mending, such as "Hey, I'm
sorry," may fail.

One of the most important aspects in determining

whether a couple's marriage will thrive or flounder is the
success or failure of their healing attempts. The quality
of their marital friendship, once again, decides the
effectiveness of their mending efforts. If this sounds
simple or clear, you'll see that it's not the case on the
pages ahead. Being "kind" isn't enough to strengthen
your marriage friendship. Even if you think your
friendship is strong enough, you could be shocked to
learn that there is still potential for improvement. The
majority of couples who attend our sessions are glad to
learn that practically everyone makes mistakes during
marital conflict. The only thing that matters is whether or
not their repairs are successful.

26
How Do I Foresee Divorce?

In the Love Lab, Lucy and John sit face to face. They've
both agreed to participate in my research on
newlyweds, despite the fact that they're both in their late
twenties. 130 couples decided to put their marriages
under the microscope and in front of the camera as part
of this comprehensive study. During an overnight visit at
the Love Lab "apartment," Lucy and John are among
the fiy who are monitored.

Dara and Oliver describe their life as "hectic" but

"joyous." He works long hours as a software developer,
while she attends nursing school at night. Lucy and
John, like many couples, realize that their marriage isn't
ideal. This includes both happy couples and those who
eventually split. They claim, however, that they love one
other and intend to stay together. When they talk about
the life they want to create, they are positively beaming.

While I record them, I ask them to spend fifteen minutes

in the lab trying to resolve an ongoing conflict. Sensors
linked to their bodies detect their stress levels based on
different circulatory system parameters, such as how
rapidly their hearts beat, while they talk.

I anticipate that at least portion of their talk will be

unfavorable. I've urged them to quarrel after all.
27
While some couples are capable of settling conflicts by
understanding words and smiles, tension is more
common. Dara and Oliver aren't any different. Dara
believes Oliver does not do his fair part of the
housework, and he believes she nags him excessively,
making him less inclined to do more.

After listening to them discuss this issue, I predict to my

coworkers that Dara and Oliver's marital satisfaction will
diminish. Four years later, they announce that they are
on the verge of divorce. Despite the fact that they still
live together, they are both lonely. They've turned into
ghosts, haunting the marriage that once gave them both
such a sense of aliveness.

I don't think their marriage will fail because they

fight—after all, I urged them to. Anger between husband
and wife does not always indicate a breakdown in the
marriage. During the fiveteen minutes of videotaping,
some couples in the newlywed research dispute
significantly more than Lucy and John. Nonetheless, I
believe that many of these couples will continue to be
happily married—and they do. The way Lucy and John
bicker hints to their impending separation, leaving them
open to growing pessimism and distrust.

28
 The First Sign: A Difficult
Start-Up
The way this conversation (and this marriage) starts is
the most clear sign that things aren't going well. Dara
becomes irritable and accusing right away. She's
prepared to be caustic when Oliver brings up the issue
of chores. "Or a lack of it," she adds. "Or the book we
were talking about writing: Men Are Pigs," Oliver says,
trying to lighten the mood. Dara sits with a poker look. "I
mean, I'd want to see it resolved," Dara adds, "but it
doesn't seem like it is." They chat some more,
attempting to come up with a strategy to ensure Oliver
performs his part, and then Dara says, "I mean, I'd like
to see it resolved, but it doesn't seem like it is." I mean,
I've tried making up lists and it doesn't seem to work.
And I tried letting you handle it on your own for a month
and nothing got done." She's now blaming Oliver. In
other words, she's implying that the issue isn't with the
housekeeping, but with him. Dara may have genuine
reasons to be irritated with her spouse. However, the
way she expresses herself will be a big impediment to
their reconciliation.

When a debate starts off this way—with criticism and/or

sarcasm, which is a type of contempt—called it's a
"harsh start-up." Dara speaks to Oliver in a calm,
somber tone, but her words have a lot of negative
power. 29
After hearing the first minute or so of their talk, it's no
surprise to me that Dara and Oliver's differences
haven't been addressed. According to the research, if
your conversation starts out on a poor tone, it will
certainly conclude on a negative note, even if there are
several attempts to "make nice" in between. The
numbers speak for themselves: You can anticipate the
conclusion of a discussion 96% of the time just on the
first three minutes of a fifteen-minute contact! You're
doomed to fail if you have a difficult start-up. So, if you
start a conversation like that, you might as well stop,
take a breather, and start over.

30
 the second sign:
The Four Horsemen
Lucy's brusque start is a red flag that she and John are
experiencing major problems. Now, as their
conversation progresses, I'm keeping an eye out for
certain types of unfavorable encounters. Certain types
of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, may be so
damaging to a relationship that I refer to them as the
Apocalypse's Four Horsemen. Criticism, Contempt,
Defensiveness, and Stonewalling are the four horses
who usually ride into the heart of a marriage in the
following order: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness,
and Stonewalling.

Criticism is the first horseman. You will always have

some gripes about the individual with whom you share
your home. However, there is a significant distinction
between complaint and criticism. A complaint is an
expression of dissatisfaction with a specific action or
incident. "I'm fuming because you didn't sweep the
kitchen last night." We decided to take it in turns. "Could
you please do that right now?" is a request. It is divided
into three sections, as are many complaints: (1) Here's
how I'm feeling ("I'm extremely upset"); (2) Here's what I
need/want/prefer ("Could you do it right now?"); (3)
Here's what I need/want/prefer ("Could you do it right
now?").
31
A critique, on the other hand, is more general and
communicates unpleasant thoughts or judgments about
the character or personality of the other: "How come
you're so forgetful?" When it's your turn, I despise
having to sweep the kitchen floor every time. You simply
don't give a damn." So start-ups are ones that feature
complaints, whereas harsh start-ups are those that
condemn. Statements including the words "you always"
or "you never" are two of the most typical types of
criticism. But, by putting my "favorite" remark, "What is
wrong with you?" into any complaint, you can convert it
into a critique.

In this excerpt of Lucy's chat with John, you can see

how quickly her complaint evolves into criticism (and a
harsh start-up):

Lucy: I'd like to see it fixed, but it doesn't appear to be

the case. (basic gripe) I mean, I've tried building lists
and they don't work. And I tried letting you do it on your
own for a month and nothing got done. (Criticism. She's
hinting that he's to blame for the situation. Even if it is,
criticizing him would simply exacerbate the situation.)

Other instances of the difference between complaint

and criticism are provided below.

Complaint. The automobile has run out of gas. I'm

disappointed that you didn't fill it up as promised. Could
you kindly take care of it the next day?
32
Criticism. Why do you have such a hard time
remembering things? I told you a thousand times that
you needed to fill up the tank, but you didn't. You're
usually so sloppy.

Complaint. I wish you'd informed me you're too weary to

make love sooner. I'm quite dissatisfied, and I'm also
humiliated. Please let me know if you're not interested
in having sex. I'm quite content with a "no."

Criticism. Why are you so cold and self-centered all of

the time? You were quite cruel to lure me on. What
exactly is your issue? Are you a polar bear?

Complaint. Before asking anyone over for supper,

please double-check with me. Tonight, I wanted to
spend some time alone with you. This week, I'd want to
plan a romantic evening for us.

Criticism. Why do you always choose your buddies

before me? I'm always at the bottom of your to-do list.
Are you trying to avoid spending time with me alone?

If these critiques make you think of yourself or your

spouse, you're not alone. In partnerships, the first
horseman is fairly prevalent. So, if you and your spouse
find themselves criticizing one other, don't think you're
on your way to divorce court. The problem with criticism
is that it opens the way for the arrival of the other, far
deadlier horsemen.
33
Contempt is the second horseman. A sensation of
dominance over one's companion gives rise to the
second horseman. It's a sort of defamation. Lucy
genuinely sneers at her husband's idea that they post a
list of his responsibilities on the refrigerator to assist him
remember when it arrives. "Do you believe you work
well with lists?" she asks. When John arrives home, he
tells her that he needs fifteen minutes to unwind before
starting to perform chores. "So you think if I leave you
alone for fifteen minutes, you'll be encouraged to get up
and do something?" she says, smirking.

“Maybe. "Have we given it a shot?" John inquires.

Lucy gets an opportunity to brighten up here, but she

instead responds with snark. She responds, "I believe
you do a fairly excellent job of coming home and
lounging about or retreating into the bathroom." "So you
think that's the cure-all, to give you eighteen minutes?"
she asks, challengingly.

Contempt is expressed through Lucy's sarcasm and

cynicism. Name-calling, eye-rolling, ridicule, and
aggressive humor are all prohibited. Contempt, in
whatever form, is toxic to a relationship because it
signals loathing. When your spouse gets the message
that you're disgusted with him or her, it's nearly hard to
settle an issue. Contempt, rather than leading to
reconciliation, invariably leads to further conflict.

34
At least when it came to his wife, Peter was a master of
scorn. Listen to what happens when he and Cynthia try
to talk about their differing perspectives on money. "Just
look at the difference in our automobiles and our
clothing," he continues. That, I believe, reveals a lot
about who we are and what we value. You mock me
about washing my vehicle, and then you go out and pay
to get your car washed. We're paying top dollar for your
automobile, yet you're too lazy to wash it. That's
ridiculous, in my opinion. That's probably the most
pampered thing you've ever done." This is a classic
case of contempt. He isn't simply stating that people
spend their money in different ways. He's accusing his
wife of having a moral flaw—that she's spoilt.

Cynthia reacts by informing him that washing her

automobile alone is physically difficult for her. Peter
ignores this explanation and maintains his high moral
position. "I take good care of my truck because it will
last longer if I do." I'm not of the mindset that says, 'Oh,
just go out and purchase a new one,' as you appear to
be."

"If you could help me wash my car, I'd really appreciate

that," Cynthia replies, still trying to win Peter's support.
It would be much appreciated." Instead of seizing this
opportunity for reconciliation, Peter choose to fight.

He answers, "How many times have you helped me

wash my truck?"
35
Cynthia attempts to reconcile once more. "If you help
me wash my vehicle, I'll help you wash your truck."

Peter's purpose isn't to fix the problem, but to humiliate

her. "That is not my question," he answers. "How many
times have you stepped in to assist me?"

Cynthia responds, "Never."

"See?" Peter asks. "I believe you, too, bear some

responsibility in that regard." Would you expect your
father to come over and paint your house for you, too, if
he bought you a house?"

"Well, if I always help you wash your truck, would you

always help me wash my car?"

Peter laughs and replies, "I'm not sure I'd want you to
help me." "So, would you constantly assist me in
washing my car?" Cynthia enquires.

"I'll assist you as soon as I'm able." I'm not going to give
you a lifetime guarantee.

"Are you going to sue me?" Peter wonders. He laughs

once more.

Listening to this conversation, it's evident that Peter's

main goal is to make fun of his wife. When he says
things like "I think that speaks a lot about who we are
and what we value" or "I don't come from the attitude of
'just go out and purchase a new one,'" he's claiming the
36
high moral ground.
Couples who despise one other are more likely than
others to contract infectious diseases (colds, flu, and so
on).

Long-simmering unfavorable sentiments about the

relationship fuel contempt. If your differences aren't
settled, you're more prone to have such ideas. Without
a certain, Peter wasn't as rude the first time he and
Cynthia battled about car-washing. He presumably said
something along the lines of, "I think you should wash
your own car." It's too expensive to have someone else
wash it all the time." However, when they continued to
dispute on this, his objections morphed into broad
generalizations, such as "You constantly spend too
much money." As the conflict progressed, he became
increasingly dissatisfied and irritated with Cynthia,
which had an impact on what he said when they
argued.

Contempt's close relative, belligerence, is just as fatal to

a partnership. Because it incorporates a threat or
provocation, it is a type of aggressive rage. "Well, what
are you going to do about it?" a confrontational answer
might be when a lady complains that her husband
doesn't get home from work in time for supper. Peter
believes he's making a joke when he says to Cynthia,
"What are you going to do, sue me?" He's actually
being confrontational.

37
Horseman Defensiveness is number three. Cynthia
defends herself, which is understandable given her
husband's behavior. She reminds out that she does not
wash her automobile as frequently as he believes. She
argues that washing her automobile is physically more
difficult for her than it is for him to wash his truck. While
it's logical that Cynthia would defend herself, research
has shown that this strategy rarely works. The
aggressor spouse refuses to apologize or back down.
This is due to the fact that defensiveness is a technique
of blaming your spouse. "The problem isn't me; it's you,"
you're effectively stating. The "innocent victim" position,
which includes moaning and delivers the message,
"Why are you picking on me?" is a prevalent kind of
defensiveness. What about all of my nice deeds?
There's no way to make you happy."

Defensiveness, in all of its forms, only serves to

intensify the conflict, which is why it is so lethal. Peter
doesn't remark, "Oh, now I see," when Cynthia tells him
how difficult it is for her to wash her automobile. He
doesn't even recognize what she's stated, ignoring her
excuse. He raises his moral standing even higher by
telling her how well he looks after his automobile and
insinuating that she is pampered for not doing the
same. Cynthia, like their marriage, is doomed to fail.

Criticism, scorn, and defensiveness don't always arrive

in perfect harmony in a household. If the pair can't stop
it, they act more like a relay race, passing the baton to 38
each other over and over again. As John and Lucy
continue their conversation about cleaning their house,
you can see this occurring. Lucy grows increasingly
dismissive of John, ridiculing him under the cover of
interrogating him and knocking down every proposal he
devises, despite the fact that they appear to be looking
for a solution. She hits him more as he grows more
defensive. Her demeanor conveys contempt. Her
elbows resting on the table, her entwined fingers
caressing her chin, she talks solemnly. She grills him
with questions like a law professor or a judge, simply to
see him squirm.

Lucy: So you think that'll heal everything and give you

an extra fifteen minutes? (sneering) No, I don't believe
that's the panacea. I believe that this should be linked
with making a list of weekly chores that must be
completed. Why not hang a calendar on your
refrigerator? Hey, I'll take a look right away.

Lucy: Isn't it the same way that when you put "to do"
lists into your phone, they get done? (mocking him;
greater disrespect) John: I don't always have time
during the day to look at lists. However, at home...
(defensive)

Lucy: So you're going to look at a calendar?

Yes, John. If I'm not up to date on something, you

should ask me about it at any moment. When that
happens today, you don't ask; instead, you tell me, 39
"You haven't done this and you haven't done that." "Is
there any reason why you haven't done this or that?"
instead. Like when I stayed up late one night to finish
your résumé. That sort of thing happens all the time,
and you simply don't think about it. (defensive)

Lucy: And I don’t just all of a sudden do things for you,

either? (defensive) No, you do, John.... I believe you
should take some time to unwind.

Lucy (in a mocking tone): Hmm. That sounds like we

got a lot done.

Due to the frequency of criticism, scorn, and

defensiveness, Lucy and John have obviously resolved
nothing.

Stonewalling is the fourth horseman's specialty. When

arguments begin with a scathing tone, when criticism
and disdain rise to defensiveness and vice versa, one
party finally tunes out. The coming of the fourth
horseman is heralded by this.

Consider the spouse who returns home from work and

is greeted with a barrage of criticism from his
stay-at-home wife, prompting him to turn on the
television. She shouts more the less receptive he is. He
eventually rises and exits the room. He disengages
rather than facing his wife. He avoids a fight by looking
away from her, but he also avoids his marriage. He's
turned into a stonewaller.
40
Although both husbands and women can stonewall,
data shows that males in all types of marriages are
significantly more likely to do so, for reasons we'll
discuss later.

During a normal two-person discussion, the listener

makes several indications to the speaker that he is
paying attention. He could make eye contact, nod his
head, and reply, "Yeah" or "Uh-huh." A stonewaller, on
the other hand, does not provide such casual criticism.
He has a habit of looking away or down without saying
anything. He sits still, like a stone wall. The stonewaller
acts as though he doesn't care what you're saying,
assuming he hears it at all.

The third horseman, stonewalling, frequently enters

later in a marriage than the other three. As a result, it's
less prevalent among newlywed men like John than it is
among couples who have been in a downward spiral for
some time. It takes time for the first three horsemen's
hostility to grow so overpowering that stonewalling
becomes a reasonable "exit." When Mack and his wife,
Rita, quarrel over each other's conduct at gatherings,
he adopts this attitude. She claims the issue is that he
consumes excessive amounts of alcohol. He believes
the greater issue is her reaction, in which she humiliates
him in front of his friends. They're already in the midst of
a disagreement:

41
RITA: Once again, I've become the issue. I was the one
who made the complaint, but now I'm the one who's
causing the problem. That appears to happen on a
regular basis.

MACK: Yeah, I'm guilty of that. Your tantrums and

childishness, on the other hand, are a disgrace to me
and my friends.

RITA: Please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please, please, please, please,
MACK: (He's stonewalling, looking down, avoiding eye
contact, and saying nothing.)

RITA: Because, for the most part (laughs), I believe we

get along very well. (laughter)

MACK: (Stonewalling continues.) Makes no eye

contact, no head nods, no facial gestures, and no
vocalizations.)

RITA: Isn't it so?

MACK: I'm Mack (no response) RITA: Mack, what's up?

Hello?

42
 the third Sign:Flooding

Rita may believe that her criticism and disdain have no

effect on Mack. Nothing, however, could be farther from
the truth. Typically, people stonewall to keep
themselves from feeling psychologically and physically
overwhelmed, a feeling we refer to as flooding. It
happens when your spouse's negativity is so strong and
quick that you are taken aback. You feel so helpless in
the face of the sniper onslaught that you learn to do
everything to prevent a rematch. The more your
spouse's criticism or scorn overwhelms you, the more
hypervigilant you become for signs that your spouse is
likely to "blow" again. That's why all Mack can think
about right now is defending himself from Rita's attack.
And he does so by emotionally disengaging from the
connection. Mack and Rita are now divorced, which is
unfortunate.

Another spouse, Paul, was forthright about why he

stonewalls when his wife, Amy, becomes irritable. He
expresses what all stonewallers are experiencing in the
following debate.

AMY: When I'm upset, you should intervene and

attempt to make things better.

43
When you just stop communicating, though, you're
saying, "I don't give a damn about how you feel." That
only makes me feel a half-inch taller. As if my thoughts
or opinions have no influence on you. That is not how a
marriage should work.

PAUL: What I'm saying is that if you want to have a

meaningful discourse, you're not going to achieve it by
constantly yelling and screaming. You begin to say
things that are damaging to others.

AMY: Well, I start saying things when I'm wounded,

furious, and want to hurt you. That's when we should
both come to a halt. "I'm sorry," I should say. "I know
you want to talk about this," you should say. And instead
of ignoring you, I really should make an effort to talk."

PAUL: I'll get back to you when— AMY: It's appropriate

for your needs.

PAUL: No, not when you're not yelling and screaming

and stomping your feet.

Amy continued telling Paul how upset she was when he

went off the grid. But she didn't appear to notice when
he explained why he shuts down: he can't take her
rage. This couple also ended up divorcing.

44
A marriage's demise may thus be forecast by the four
horsemen's constant presence during arguments, which
causes a painful start and regular flooding. Although
any of these indicators might predict divorce on its own,
in an unhappy marriage, they generally coexist.

45
 The Fourth Sign: Body
Language
Even if I couldn't hear Mack the stonewaller and his
wife, Rita's talk, I could foresee their divorce just by
glancing at his physiological measurements. We may
understand how physically painful flooding is when we
examine couples for body changes during a tense
dispute. One of the most noticeable bodily effects is that
the heart beats faster, sometimes exceeding 100 beats
per minute and even reaching 165. (In comparison, a
30-year-old man's heart rate is 76, while a 30-year-old
woman's heart rate is 82.) Hormonal changes occur as
well, such as the release of adrenaline, which activates
the "fight or flight response." Blood pressure rises as
well. These shifts are so significant that if one person is
regularly flooded during marriage arguments, it's simple
to forecast that they will divorce unless their dynamic
improves.

Flooding occurs on a regular basis, which leads to

divorce for two reasons. First, they indicate that at least
one partner is experiencing considerable emotional
anguish as a result of the other's behavior. Second, the
physical symptoms of being flooded—increased heart
rate, perspiration, and so on—make having a
meaningful, problem-solving dialogue very difficult.

46
When your body goes into overdrive during a fight, it's
responding to a primitive alarm system passed down
from our forefathers. All of those distressing symptoms,
such as a racing heart and sweating, occur because
your body regards your present circumstance as unsafe
on a fundamental level. Despite the fact that we now
live in an era with in vitro fertilization, organ transplants,
and gene mapping, evolutionarily speaking, we are still
cave dwellers. So, whether you're confronting a
saber-toothed tiger or a disgruntled spouse who wants
to know why you can't remember to put the toilet seat
back down, the human body hasn't refined its terror
reflexes.

When a beating heart and other bodily stress reactions

occur during a conversation with a friend, the results are
terrible. Because your capacity to comprehend
information is impaired, it's more difficult to focus on
what your spouse is saying. Problem-solving creativity
and a sense of humour are thrown out the window.
You're left with the most instinctive, least cognitively
sophisticated answers in your arsenal: fight (act critical,
scornful, or defensive) or flee (act critical,
contemptuous, or defensive) (stonewall). Any hope of
fixing the problem has vanished. Most likely, the
conversation will exacerbate the problem.

47
 The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair
Attempts
The four horsemen and the flooding that follows them
take time to overwhelm a marriage. Despite this,
divorce may often be anticipated by listening to a single
newlywed couple's talk. How is it possible? The answer
is that you can get a decent feel of a couple's pattern by
examining each conflict they have, which is unlikely to
alter unless they seek the correct kind of counseling.
The success or failure of a couple's mending attempts
is an important aspect of their pattern. Repair attempts,
as I mentioned on this page, are attempts by the couple
("Let's take a break," "Wait, I need to cool down") to
de-escalate the tension during a heated argument—to
put the brakes on so that flooding does not occur.

Repair attempts preserve marriages not only because

they reduce emotional tension between couples, but
also because they prevent your heart from pounding
and making you feel flooded by decreasing your stress
level. Repair attempts are often overlooked when the
four horsemen govern a couple's communication. You
won't be able to hear a vocal white flag, especially if
you're feeling overwhelmed.

A feedback loop develops between the four horsemen

and the failure of repair attempts in unhappy marriages.
48
The more disdainful and defensive a couple is with one
another, the more flooding happens, making it difficult to
hear and respond to a repair. And, because the repair
isn't being heard, scorn and defensiveness rise, causing
flooding, which makes it more difficult to hear the next
repair effort, until one partner finally withdraws.

That is why I can sometimes anticipate a divorce just by

listening to a single conversation between a husband
and wife. The failure of mending attempts is a reliable
predictor of a bleak future. The existence of the four
horsemen alone has an 82 percent accuracy rate in
predicting divorce. However, when failures of repair
attempts are factored in, the accuracy rate rises into the
90s. This is due to the fact that some couples who
invoke the four horsemen when arguing are also
effective in healing the damage the horsemen do. When
the four horsemen are present but the couple's attempts
to repair the relationship are successful, the result is
usually a happy marriage. In fact, six years later, 84
percent of newlyweds who scored high on the four
horsemen but successfully mended their relationships
were in stable, happy marriages. However, if no
attempts at repair were made—or if the attempts were
not heard—the marriage was in grave danger. I hear a
wide spectrum of successful mending attempts in
emotionally intelligent partnerships. Each person takes
a different approach.

49
Other couples laugh, grin, or apologize as Olivia and
Nathaniel thrust their tongues out. A furious "Hey, quit
shouting at me" or "You're going off the topic" might
help diffuse a heated situation. All of these attempts at
mending keep a marriage stable because they keep the
four horsemen from permanently moving in.

The status of the marriage has everything to do with

whether a repair works or fails, regardless of how
eloquent it is. Hal and Jodie were one happy married
couple who taught me this lesson. Hal, a chemist, would
occasionally find out at the last minute that he wouldn't
be home for supper due to the nature of his study.
Despite the fact that Jodie, who also worked full-time,
realized Hal couldn't control his hours, she was
annoyed by the dinner scenario. When they addressed
the situation in our lab, she mentioned to him that the
kids always refused to eat supper until he got home, so
they were eating extremely late, which she disliked. As
a result, Hal advised that she offer them something to
eat to keep them occupied. "What do you think I've
been doing all along?" Jodie snarled, perplexed.

Hal understood he'd made a mistake. He'd shown a

significant lack of knowledge of what was going on in
his own house, and he'd insulted his wife's intelligence.
This could easily lead to some major-league sniping in
an unhappy marriage. I held my breath, waiting to see
what would happen next.
50
 Because all other evidence showed they were happily
married, I expected Hal to make a very well-crafted
repair attempt. Hal, on the other hand, simply smiled at
Jodie. They continued their conversation when Jodie
broke out laughing.

Because their marriage was functioning, Hal's quick grin

worked. But Oliver's attempt to cheer Dara up by
giggling during their chat about cleaning failed
miserably. Even the most eloquent, compassionate, and
well-targeted rehabilitation attempt is likely to fail
abysmally in marriages where the four horsemen have
moved in for good.

Surprisingly, we witness more attempts at mending

among unhappy couples than among those whose
marriages are doing well. The more attempts at
mending fail, the more these couples try again. Hearing
a spouse provide one fix after another, all to no effect,
may be heartbreaking. What distinguishes the two?
How can you increase the chances that your efforts will
be successful? In the next chapters, you'll discover how
to boost your success rate by improving the quality of
your underlying friendship.

51
 The Sixth Sign: Negative
Memories
When negativity consumes a relationship, not only is
the couple's present and future existence together
jeopardized. Their history is also in jeopardy. When I
interview couples, I frequently inquire about their
marriage's history. I've discovered time and time again
that couples who have a bad perspective of their
partner and their marriage alter their history. I can
forecast their likelihood of divorce based on their
responses to questions concerning their early courtship,
wedding, and first year together, even if I don't know
their present sentiments.

Most couples have high aspirations and expectations

when they marry. Couples that are pleased in their
marriage tend to remember their early days fondly.
Even if the wedding went off without a hitch, individuals
are more likely to remember the bright moments than
the bad points. The same is true for one another. They
recall how happy they were early on, how ecstatic they
were when they met, and how much they admired one
other. They celebrate the challenges they've had when
they talk about the difficult times they've faced, deriving
strength from the adversity they've faced together.

52
When a marriage doesn't work out, though, history is
rewritten—for the worse. He was thirty minutes late for
the wedding ceremony, she recalls now. Or he thinks
about how much time she spent chatting to his best
man at the rehearsal dinner—or, as it appears to him
now, "flirting" with his buddy. Another sad symptom is
when one or both spouses find it difficult to remember
the past because it has become so irrelevant or
unpleasant that they have allowed it to drift away.

Peter and Cynthia didn't always spend their days

squabbling over car washes and other financial issues.
You'd probably find lots of pleasant photographs from
their early days together if you went through their photo
album. Those images, however, have long since
vanished from their thoughts. When asked to recount
their past, they provide a decent account of their
romance and marriage, but little more. Cynthia recalls
meeting him in a café where she worked as a barista.
She contacted him up using his name and phone
number from his credit card receipt to ask whether the
gloves she discovered in the lost and found belonged to
him. Then came their first date.

Cynthia claims that she was first drawn to Peter

because he was a college student who was intriguing to
talk to and attractive. "I guess it was the fact that I had a
charge card," Peter says sarcastically, alluding to their
present financial squabbles.
53
 He seemed to be having trouble recalling what drew
him to her when they first met. "Uh... (long pause) I
honestly don't know," he says. I never attempted to tie it
down to a single cause. "I believe that would be rather
risky for me."

When asked what sorts of activities they liked back

then, they have trouble recalling them. "Didn't we go on
some sort of picnic?" Cynthia inquires, and he simply
shrugs. When they talk about their decision to marry,
they get the same blank feeling. "I hoped it would
strengthen the bond between us." "It looked like a
logical progression—the that's major reason," Peter
explains. He remembers proposing to her in a
restaurant by tying the ring to a white ribbon wrapped
around a bouquet of white flowers. That seems hopeful
until he adds, "I'll never forget this," with a melancholy
chuckle. She noticed the ring. 'I assume you want an
answer?' she questioned as she began to shake a little.
That's not the type of response I was hoping for." He
moves his gaze to his wife. "When you said it, you
weren't smiling or laughing or anything—you were just
deadpan, like, 'You fool.'"

Cynthia murmurs, "Oh nooo."

When they talk about the wedding, the picture doesn't

get much better. Cynthia recalls being upset by the fact
that many visitors left right after supper.

54
Everyone continued knocking on their glasses with
spoons to get Peter and Cynthia to kiss, according to
Peter. "I was starting to become irritated." His most vivid
recollection is of riding in the limo with Cynthia and his
best man after the party. The Mötley Crüe song "Same
Old Ball and Chain" came on the speakers when his
companion turned it on. "It was your typical tragedy," he
recalls of their wedding day. Cynthia agrees with a faint
grin.

Because the animosity between Peter and Cynthia has

gotten so deep, it has been imprinted on their memory.
When the four horsemen take over a family and disrupt
communication, hostility grows to the point that
everything a spouse does—or ever did—is recast in a
bad light.

If the husband forgets to pick up the wife's dry washing

in a happy marriage, the woman is likely to say, "Oh
well, he's been under a lot of stress recently and needs
more sleep." She sees his slip as a one-time
occurrence brought on by a specific circumstance. The
identical event in an unhappy marriage is likely to lead
to a mindset like "He's simply usually so insensitive and
selfish." A love gesture, such as a wife welcoming her
husband with a passionate kiss at the end of the
workday, is considered as an indication that the spouse
is caring and considerate in a good marriage.

55
In an unhappy marriage, though, the identical behavior
would make the husband wonder, "What does she
expect from me?"

This erroneous picture explains why Mitch, one of the

husbands we investigated, suspected his wife, Leslie, of
having hidden purposes anytime she bought him a
meal, embraced him, or even phoned him on the phone.
He had rewritten their marriage's past over time,
creating a very nasty narrative. He was always ready to
feel self-righteous and furious if a conflict erupted. His
dissatisfaction was aided by his unfavorable ideas
about Leslie. As soon as they got into a fight, he'd be
flooded. For him, having negative expectations about
her and their relationship had become the norm. They
eventually divorced.

56
 Principle 1: Boost Your Love
Maps
Rory was a doctor who oversaw a neonatal critical care
unit. He was well-liked at the hospital, where he was
known as Dr. Rory. He was a quiet man with a lot of
warmth, humor, and charm. He was also a workaholic
who spent an average of twenty nights a month in the
hospital. He had no idea who his children's pals were or
even what the family dog's name was. He turned to ask
his wife, Lisa, which room connected to the house's rear
entrance when he was asked.

Rory's wife was irritated by how little she saw of him

and how emotionally detached he appeared to be. She
attempted to make small gestures to show him she
cared, but her efforts only irritated him. She had the
uneasy feeling that he didn't care about her or their
relationship.

The story of this couple has stayed with me to this day.

Here was an intelligent man who couldn't even tell you
the name of the family dog or where the back door was!
One of the most serious issues in their relationship was
Rory's stunning lack of awareness about his personal
life. He had gotten so engrossed in his work that he had
little room left in his mind for the fundamentals of his
wife's universe.
57
As strange as Rory's blatant ignorance may appear, I
have discovered that many married couples have a
similar (though less dramatic) tendency of ignoring their
spouse's life specifics. One or both partners may only
have a hazy understanding of the other's joys, dislikes,
worries, and pressures. Although the husband enjoys
modern art, his wife has no idea why or who his favorite
artist is. He has no recollection of her friends' names or
the coworker she believes is continually attempting to
undermine her.

Emotionally intelligent couples, on the other hand, are

intimately conversant with each other's world. This is
what I mean when I say you have a highly developed
love map, which is my word for the portion of your brain
where you store all pertinent knowledge about your
partner's life. Another way to put it is that these couples
have given their marriage plenty of cognitive space.
They recall important events in their spouse's life and
continue to update their knowledge when facts and
sentiments in their spouse's world change. She knows
what sort of dressing he prefers when she orders him a
salad. He'll consider to record her favorite TV show if
she works late. He could tell you how she feels about
her employer and how to get from the elevator to her
office. He understands that religion is essential to her,
but he also understands that she has reservations.

58
She is aware that he is afraid of becoming too much like
his father and regards himself as a "free spirit." They
are aware of each other's life ambitions, concerns, and
hopes.

You can't truly know your partner until you have a love
map. And how can you genuinely love someone if you
don't know them? It's no surprise that the biblical phrase
for sexual love is "know."

59
 Principle 2: Favoritism and
admiration should be nurtured.
Let's return to Dr. Rory, the spouse with a love map the
size of a postage stamp and who couldn't even
remember the family dog's name. Lisa, his wife, put up
with his workaholism for years. But one year, on
Christmas Day, when Rory was, of course, working,
their relationship took a turn for the worst. Lisa planned
to pack a Christmas picnic and surprise her husband in
the hospital with her children.

Rory turned on Lisa as they ate in the waiting area, his

face like an angry mask. He expressed his displeasure
about being surprised with a picnic. "What were you
thinking when you did this?" It's quite humiliating."
When a resident called, Rory's face brightened and his
voice became helpful, pleasant, and cheerful as he
answered the phone. When he got off the phone, he
went back to Lisa, his face red with rage. Lisa's inner
peace was shattered. Her spouse was clearly capable
of kindness, but not toward her. She brought the kids
home after packing up the picnic.

She began going out in the nights without him soon

after. After a while, Rory approached her and requested
a divorce. They decided to pursue marriage therapy as
a final resort to work out their differences.
60
They had no luck at first. During their first appointment
with a marital therapist, Lisa attempted to be
reconciliatory with Rory, but he was unable to
reciprocate her efforts.

However, the couple's hidden hope was exposed when

they volunteered to be recorded in my lab for a TV news
segment. Rory and Lisa were questioned about their
early years together by the interviewer. Rory's face
brightened up as he began to recount their first date.
Here's a sampling of what they remembered:

RORY: I believe she was nervous, and I knew why she

was nervous, as well as certain cultural issues she was
attempting to overcome. And I knew it was going to take
a long time because of this. So I wasn't worried in the
least. I figured this was the first leg of a five-year
journey....

LISA: You mean on our first date, you had a five-year

plan?

RORY: Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I had a feeling it

might take more than one meal.

LISA: Wow, it was incredible.

While discussing this, Rory and Lisa really touched

hands. Lisa was overjoyed—he'd never told her about
his attempt to win her love before.

61
This short scene may not appear to be very dramatic (in
fact, the TV show cut Rory and Lisa's contact down to a
sliver of airtime), but a skilled observer might see plenty
in this couple's connection that offered promise for their
marriage. Rory and Lisa's warm memories of their early
days demonstrated that there were still glimmers of
what I call a liking and admiration system behind the
animosity. This suggests they both had a core belief
that the other was deserving of respect and even like.

A couple's marriage can be saved if they still have a

functional liking and admiration system. I'm not implying
that restoring a dysfunctional marriage like Rory and
Lisa's is simple. But it is possible. For one couple,
everything changed in just two years. Rory and Lisa
employed tactics like those you'll find in the pages
ahead with the support of their therapist, Lois Abrams,
to discover more of their good sentiments and put them
to work to repair their marriage. Rory made a change to
his work routine. He taught a resident how to take over
a lot of the hospital job he had been performing on his
own. He started eating supper with Lisa and the kids
every night. In the evenings, he and Lisa would go out
together, especially to folk dance. Despite the pain they
had caused each other, Rory and Lisa were able to
salvage their marriage.

Two of the most important factors of a successful and

long-lasting romance are fondness and admiration.
62
Despite the fact that happy married couples may be
distracted by their partner's personality flaws at times,
they still believe the person they married is deserving of
honor and respect. They value each other, which is
essential for maintaining their Sound Relationship
House and avoiding betrayal. It is hard to rekindle a
relationship if affection and admiration are entirely
absent.

63
 Principle 3: Instead of turning
away from each other, turn
toward each other.
Couples are always making what I refer to as "b"
decisions. No one would win an Oscar if the Love Lab
footage was ever shown in a movie theater. "Wow, look
at that boat," the husband says out the picture window,
while the wife peers over her magazine and says,
"Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last
summer, remember?" Our archives are filled with
endlessly dull scenes in which, for example, the
husband says out the picture window, "Wow, look at that
boat," and the wife says, "Yeah, it looks like that big
schooner we saw last summer, remember?" The
husband moans as well.

You'd think I'd find seeing such scenes hour after hour
to be incredibly dull. My favorite Love Lab tapes, on the
other hand, are the type that any good Hollywood film
editor would quickly remove. That's because I see great
drama in the smallest of details. Will they read or listen
to the news together, or will they read or listen to it
silently? Will they talk through their lunch? I'm watching
with bated breath since I know that couples that have a
lot of such interaction tend to stay happy. What's going
on in these brief conversations is that the husband and
wife are connecting—
64
they're tuning in to each other by turning toward each
other. Couples that do this develop mutual trust. Those
who do not will most likely become disoriented. In the
videos of couples who ultimately divorce or believe their
marriage has permanently worsened, I seldom notice
little moments of closeness. More often than not, the
lady doesn't even glance up from her magazine, and if
she does, her husband ignores what she says.

Our perceptions of romance and what makes love

sparkle have been skewed by Hollywood. Your pulse
may race as you see Humphrey Bogart take teary-eyed
Ingrid Bergman into his arms, but real-life romance is
powered by far more mundane events. It's maintained
alive every time you tell your partner how much you
appreciate him or her in the midst of regular life. In
marriage, couples compete for one other's attention,
affection, humor, and support. Bids might be as simple
as requesting a backrub or as complex as requesting
assistance in carrying the weight when an elderly parent
becomes unwell. Each bid is met with either a turn
toward the spouse or a turn away from the spouse. The
foundation of trust, emotional connection, desire, and a
successful sex relationship is a predisposition to turn
toward your partner. As ridiculous as it may sound,
romance is bolstered in the shopping aisle when your
companion inquires, "Are we out of butter?" and you
respond, "I'm not sure." Instead of shrugging
apathetically, let me go grab some just in case.
65
" It increases when you realize your husband is having
a hard day at work and take a few moments out of your
day to send him a supportive text. In each of these
situations, couples choose to turn toward one other
rather than away from each other.

Our findings support the importance of bids in a

relationship. In our six-year follow-up of newlyweds, we
discovered that couples who stayed married in the Love
Lab turned to their partner's bids an average of 86
percent of the time, whereas those who divorced did so
just 33 percent of the time. It's noteworthy that the
majority of the disputes between couples in both groups
stemmed from those unsuccessful attempts at
connecting, rather than specific themes like money or
sex. There's a reason why apparently little incidents are
crucial to the development of a relationship: When
partners gravitate toward one another, they are putting
money into what I've come to refer to as their emotional
bank account. They're accumulating funds that, like
money in the bank, may be used as a safety net in the
event of a big life stressor or conflict. Such couples are
less prone to topple over into mistrust and chronic
negativity during difficult times because they have a
reservoir of kindness.

The first step in turning more toward each other is to

recognize how important these mini-moments are, not
just to your marriage's degree of trust but also to its
ongoing sense of romance. 66
For many couples, simply understanding that they
shouldn't take their daily encounters for granted may
make a huge difference in their relationship. Remind
yourself that being helpful to each other is far more
important to your marriage's vitality and passion than a
two-week Bahamas vacation.

Many individuals believe that a trip to the beach is the

key to reuniting with their lover. A romantic outing, on
the other hand, will only ramp up the heat if the pair has
kept the pilot light blazing by remaining in touch in little
ways. It's easy to picture Justine and Michael, the
couple who reminisced so fondly about their wedding
and romance, dining in a candlelit restaurant. However,
if Peter and Cynthia were seated at the adjacent table,
their evening would almost certainly be a disaster, full of
accusations, recriminations, and awkward silences.

One of the advantages of turning toward each other is

how simple it is to do. It only takes one modest gesture
to set off a chain reaction. "Turning toward" is governed
by the rule of positive feedback, which means that, like
a snowball rolling downhill, it can start little but have
massive effects. To put it another way, you don't have to
make a major shift toward your spouse to reap the
benefits. Simply begin, and things will improve on their
own. Here's an example from my personal experience:
Julie was moaning somberly as she unpacked the
laundry one day, and I overheard her. I could have
simply claimed I didn't notice. 67
 That gripe, though, was a bid, albeit a small one. "I
don't mind washing laundry, but I detest folding it," she
explained when I inquired what was bothering her. I, on
the other hand, like monotonous jobs such as folding
shirts! They offer me a sense of success, similar to how
looking through streams of statistics in the lab gives me
a sense of accomplishment. As a result, I switched my
attention to my wife by taking over the folding. I was in
bliss as I heaped the clothes on the bed and switched
on music by jazz composer Bill Evans and his lovely
piano. (Like many others, I attempt to conduct duties in
a highly self-indulgent, fun manner whenever feasible.)
Julie eventually entered the room. Even though she
despises folding clothes, I knew Mom would expect me
to ask for assistance. Instead, we both sat back and
enjoyed the music as I folded. Julie said that we hadn't
been to our favorite neighborhood jazz club in a long
time. As a result, we decided to eat there. Finally, my
turning toward the laundry pile proved to be incredibly
romantic for us.

68
 Principle 4: Allow your partner
to have an impact on you.

Jeremy was thinking about purchasing a secondhand

Honda coupe. The automobile appeared to be a
wonderful deal because the seller, Phil, had only
purchased it a month before and was offering a
substantial discount because he was being moved
abroad. Jeremy adored the car's agility and power, as
well as the cutting-edge sound system. But, before
making a sale, he wanted the automobile inspected by
a technician. "Why?" Phil inquired. "It's completely
new." It just has 300 miles on it and comes with the
manufacturer's guarantee."

"That's true," Jeremy said, "but I told my wife I'd never

buy a car without first having it examined."

Phil gave Jeremy a cold stare. He inquired, "Did you

allow your wife advise you what to do regarding cars?"

"Sure," Jeremy said. "Don't you?" says the narrator.

"No, no, no." I don't—didn't—do not—do not—do

not—do not—d "I'm divorced," Phil explained. "Well,"
Jeremy said with a grin. "Perhaps that's why."

69
Jeremy had the automobile evaluated by his mechanic,
and it was discovered that the suspension system
required a pricey repair, so he never purchased Phil's
car. But, perhaps more importantly, he never agreed
with Phil's approach toward women. Jeremy has
included his wife in his decision-making process. He
values and respects his wife's thoughts and feelings. He
realizes that in order for his marriage to succeed, he
must share the driving seat.

Phil's machismo attitude wasn't always a problem for a

husband. However, our findings indicate that this is no
longer the case. We discovered that, even in the first
few months of marriage, men who allowed their
spouses to influence them had better marriages and
were less likely to divorce than men who rejected their
wives' influence in our long-term research of 130
newlywed couples, which we followed for nine years.
According to statistics, when a guy refuses to share
authority with his spouse, his marriage is 81 percent
likely to end in divorce.

We're not singling out guys since, obviously, it takes two

to build or ruin a marriage. This chapter is not intended
to chastise, belittle, or insult any gender. It's just as vital
for women to treat their husbands with dignity and
respect as it is for husbands to treat their wives.
However, my research shows that the great majority of
spouses, even in troubled relationships, already do so.
70
This is not to say that they do not become enraged and
even despised by their spouses. It simply implies that
ladies allow their spouses to influence their
decision-making by considering their sentiments and
thoughts. Men, on the other hand, do not always return
the favor.

71
 Principle 5: Solve the
Problems You Can Solve
When a husband and wife respect each other and are
receptive to each other's point of view, they have a
sound foundation for resolving any disagreements that
may develop. Despite this, many couples lose their path
while attempting to convince or resolve issues. Instead
of being fruitful, a talk that may have been beneficial
ends in a yelling brawl or furious silence. If this
describes you and you are confident that the problem
you want to solve is solvable, then learning a new
strategy to resolving conflict is the key to overcoming
this challenge. (The information given here will be
useful in dealing with gridlocked issues, but it will not be
sufficient.) To free your marriage from the shackles of a
never-ending problem, see Chapter 11's Principle 6,
Overcoming Gridlock.)

Many marriage therapists promote the common

technique to conflict resolution of attempting to put
yourself in your partner's shoes while listening closely to
what he or she says, and then communicating with
empathy that you understand the situation from his or
her point of view. If you can accomplish it, it's not a bad
way. However, as I previously stated, many couples,
including many happily married couples, are unable to
do so. When it came to arguing,
72
many of the people we investigated who had enviable,
loving relationships did not follow the experts'
communication standards. They were, nevertheless,
able to work out their differences.

I developed a new paradigm for resolving conflict in a

loving relationship after closely analyzing what these
couples accomplished. The steps in my fifth principle
are as follows:

Soen your company's start-up.

Learn how to make and accept repairs.

Compromise and soothe yourself and each other.

Any issues should be addressed right once so they

don't fester.

The majority of these techniques require very little

training because we all possess these abilities; we
simply lose the habit of applying them in our most
personal relationships. My fifth guideline boils down to
having decent manners to some extent. It entails
treating your spouse with the same deference you show
to other people. "Here," we remark if a guest leaves an
umbrella. "You left your umbrella at home." "What's
wrong with you?" is something we would never say. You
have a habit of forgetting stuff. Please, for the love of
God, be a bit more thoughtful! What am I, your slave,
going to fetch you up?"
73
Even when things don't go as planned, we are
considerate of the guest's sentiments. "No problem," we
remark when a guest spills wine. "Would you want
another glass?" says the bartender. "You just damaged
my greatest tablecloth," not "You just ruined my best
tablecloth." I can't trust you to perform anything
correctly. I'll never invite you back to my house."

I'm reminded of the example of Dr. Rory, who was so

mean to his wife but could instantly switch to charm
when a resident called. This is a rather common
occurrence. In the midst of a heated argument, the
husband or wife answers the phone and exclaims, "Oh,
hi." Yes, having lunch would be fantastic. Tuesday is a
good day. Oh, I'm really disappointed to hear you didn't
receive the job. "I'm sure you're disappointed," and so
on. Suddenly, the irritable, inflexible spouse has been
turned into a flexible, reasonable, understanding, and
sympathetic individual—until the phone conversation
ends. Then, for the benefit of the companion, he or she
transforms back into someone scowling and inflexible. It
doesn't have to be like this! As you go through these
phases, keep in mind that what's actually being asked
of you is no more than what you'd be asking if you were
dealing with a stranger, let alone someone who has
promised to live his or her life with you.

74
 Principle 6: Overcome the
Blockade
You want to start a family; he doesn't. You're an atheist,
yet she wants you to go to church with her. He's a
homebody, whereas you're always up for a party. There
are some irreparable differences in every relationship.
However, when partners are unable to find a solution to
their ongoing arguments, the outcome is gridlock. The
image that comes to mind when couples are at odds
over issues is of two opposing fists. Neither can
persuade the other to understand and appreciate their
point of view, let alone agree with it. As a result, they
come to see the spouse as purely selfish. Each gets
more adamant about his or her point of view, making
compromise difficult.

While couples might get into arguments about major

matters like whether or not to pass on a specific faith to
their children, it's also unusual for them to get into
arguments over seemingly insignificant concerns like
timeliness or even which way to fold napkins. Typically,
these challenges stem from fundamental personality or
lifestyle choices. Outsiders may perceive gridlocked
conflicts as significant or petty, yet they always have
four traits. If you've had the same disagreement over
and again with no resolution, and neither of you can
handle the matter with humor, empathy, or affection,
you've hit stalemate. 75
With the passage of time, the subject is getting more
divisive.

Compromise appears impossibly difficult because it

entails selling out—giving up something fundamental to
your views, ideals, or sense of self.

The easiest way to deal with congestion, like most

problems, is to avoid it in the first place. Fortunately, the
better you get at following the other six rules, the less
likely you are to get stuck in a stalemate over little
disagreements. Disagreements that would have
previously overwhelmed you will become easier to
address as you get to know and trust each other,
especially if you apply the activities in this chapter on
buried dreams. Being on the watch for those minor
instances where you "miss" each other's needs is also
an important part of avoiding congestion. If either of you
is experiencing a lot of pain as a result of seemingly
trivial slights, spend some extra time increasing your
affection and admiration (chapter 5) and practicing
turning toward each other (chapter 6). Without
identifying and discussing these tiny moments, a
relationship may become more subject to deadlock over
major concerns.

76
When couples are able to avoid gridlock, they begin to
approach their ongoing issues as if they were a
bothersome allergy or a sore back. They recognize that
the problem will never go away, but they manage to
keep it from destroying their relationship. Of all, when
you're stuck in a stalemate, it may seem difficult to
resolve the conflict as quickly as, say, a trick knee. You,
on the other hand, are capable of completing the task.
To get out of congestion, keep in mind that you don't
have to fix the problem. You don't have to "give in" or
"lose." The objective is to be able to recognize and
discuss the problem without causing harm to one
another.

77
 Principle 7: Create Shared
Meaning
We used to have a yuppie marriage,” says Helen. “By that
I mean it was very superficial. We got along okay and
really loved each other, but I didn’t feel that connected to
Kevin. It was like we were roommates who made love.”
Helen, a “devout feminist,” had always prided herself on
her independence. At first she thought it was great that
she and Kevin had their own lives—separate careers,
interests, and friends. But the longer they were married,
and especially aer they had children, the more she felt
something was lacking. She didn’t want to give up her
strong sense of individual identity, but she wanted more
from her marriage. Aer attending our workshop, she
realized what it was: she wanted to feel more like she and
Kevin were a family.

If your marriage adheres to my first six principles, there’s

a good chance that your relationship is stable and happy.
But if you find yourself asking, “Is that all there is?” your
situation may be similar to Helen and Kevin’s. What may
be missing is a deeper sense of shared meaning.
Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and
making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that
has to do with creating an inner life together—a culture
rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your
roles and goals that link you and that lead you to
understand who you are as a family.
78
Usually we think of culture in terms of large ethnic groups
or even countries where particular customs and cuisine
prevail. But a culture can also be created by just two
people who have agreed to share their lives. In essence,
each couple and each family create its own microculture.
And like other cultures, these small units have their
customs (like Sunday dinner out), rituals (like a
champagne toast aer the birth of each baby), and
myths—the stories the couple tell themselves (whether
true, false, or embellished) that explain

their sense of what their marriage is like and what it

means to be part of their group.

Paula and Doug viewed themselves as the “runts” of their

respective families. Both were considered the least
intelligent, attractive, or likely to succeed of their siblings.
But as it turned out, all of their brothers and sisters ended
up unmarried or divorced, while Paula and Doug formed a
happy, stable marriage; held steady jobs; and raised great
kids in a loving home. Part of their marriage’s culture, the
story they tell themselves about themselves, is what a
great team they make, how feisty they are, how they
thumbed their noses at all the naysayers and succeeded
against the odds.

Developing a culture doesn’t mean a couple sees eye to

eye on every aspect of their life’s philosophy. Instead
there is a meshing.
79
They find a way of honoring each other’s dreams even if
they don’t always share them. The culture that they
develop together incorporates both of their dreams. And it
is flexible enough to change as husband and wife grow
and develop. When a marriage has this shared sense of
meaning, conflict is much less intense and perpetual
problems are unlikely to lead to gridlock.

It is certainly possible to have a stable marriage without

sharing a deep sense of what is meaningful about your
lives together. Your marriage can “work” even if your
dreams aren’t in sync. The last chapter showed you just
how to navigate your way around perpetual problems so
that you can live with them rather than ending up
gridlocked. It is important to accept that you each will
probably have some dreams that the other doesn’t share
but can respect. You may, for example, adhere to different
religions but have enough respect for each other’s
spiritual journey to bridge the differences in your faiths.

But it is also true that a rewarding marriage is about more

than sidestepping conflict. The more you can agree about
the fundamentals in life, the richer, more profound, and, in
a sense, easier your marriage is likely to be. You certainly
can’t force yourselves to have the same deeply held
views. But some coming together on these issues is likely
to occur naturally if you are open to each other’s
perspective. A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to
create an atmosphere that encourages each person to
talk honestly about his or her convictions.

80
 The more you speak candidly and respectfully with each
other, the more likely there is to be a blending of your
sense of meaning.

At our workshop, Helen and Kevin were able to focus on

the spiritual side of their lives together by talking over
some of the questions you’ll find later in this chapter. For
the first time, they spoke earnestly about their own
families, their family histories, values, and symbols. When
they returned home, Helen took out her family’s old photo
album and showed Kevin pictures of her great-
grandparents who had come to America from Ireland. She
told him the story she had heard countless times about
her great-grandparents’ marriage—how they had become
engaged before her great-grandfather le for America. He
then remained true and devoted to her great-grandmother
during the four long years it took to save up enough
money to bring her over, too. The message of this story,
she had come to understand, was that loyalty is one of
the backbones of marriage and family life. Until now she
had never expressed that to Kevin so directly.

He himself reminisced about some of his own family’s

tales—especially about his grandmother who
single-handedly ran a general store in rural Kansas
and almost went broke because she was always giving
away free food to poor neighbors during the Depression.
The townspeople all knew that she reserved a certain
amount of her goods for the town’s needy families, who
would come by every Monday night at closing time.
81
 “My dad always said that we Monahans tend to be
generous to the point of being foolish,” he told Helen. “But
he always said it in a way that let you know he was very
proud that we were like that.” Kevin told Helen how that
perspective had infused his own adulthood—from his
insistence that they make large charitable contributions to
the size of the Christmas tips he gave out.

That conversation marked a turning point in Kevin and

Helen’s marriage.

From then on they talked frequently about values like

loyalty and generosity that had been instilled in them by
hearing family stories as children. Over time, as they
heard each other’s family chronicles and passed them on
to their children, these tales wove together into the
ongoing story of the new family they were creating. Helen
accepted and incorporated the stories and values of the
Monahans that were important to Kevin into her own life,
and he did the same for her heritage.

As I said, the more shared meaning you can find, the

deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will
be. Along the way you’ll also be strengthening your
marital friendship. This in turn will make it even easier to
cope with any conflicts that crop up. That’s the beauty of
the Seven Principles. They form a feedback loop that
ensures that as you work on each principle, it becomes
easier to work on the others.

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END

83