the bully, the bullied, and the not-so-innocent bystander

by
Barbara Coloroso

, 2015

Barbara Coloroso © 2002, 2005, 2009, 2015

www.kidsareworthit.com
info.kidsareworthit@gmail.com
800.729.1588
permission granted for school and parent use
 Brave-hearted
Witness, resister,
defender dislikes
Bully/Bullies the bullying and
Plan and/or helps or tries to help
start the bullying the one who is bullied.
and take
an active part

Henchmen The Target

Take an active part The one who is bullied
but do not start
the bullying

Active Supporters
Cheer the bully on
and seek social
or material gain Potential Defenders
Oppose the bullying and
know they ought to help,
but do not act

Disengaged Onlookers

Passive Supporters
Like the bullying but do
not show open support

An adaptation of
The Bullying Circle
by Dan Olweus, PhD
used with permission Illustrations by Joey Coloroso

From The bully,

Bully,the
Thebullied,
Bullied,and
andthe not-so-innocent
The Bystander bystander
Barbara Coloroso ©2002, 2005, 2009, 201315
www.kidsareworthit.com kids are worth it! inc.
800.729.1588 fax 303.972.3237
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Excerpts from The bully, the bullied, and
the not-so-innocent bystander
Barbara Coloroso © 2002, 2015
www.kidsareworthit.com
info.kidsareworthit@gmail.com
800.729.1588
,1!#*
reasons and excuses
The question that begs to be asked: “Why would 81 percent of
the kids who would not instigate bullying be so willing to become
a part of the attack or turn a blind eye to the plight of the targeted
child?” There are a few valid reasons and lots of excuses.
The four reasons most often given for not intervening:
1. The bystander is afraid of getting hurt.
2. The bystander is afraid of becoming a new target of the bully.
3. The bystander is afraid of doing something that will only make
the situation worse.
4. The bystander does not know what to do.
As legitimate as they are, these reasons do not shore up the
self-confidence or self-respect that is eroded when a child witnesses
a bullying incident and is unable or unwilling to respond effectively
to stop the cruelty. All too often these fears and lack of skill can turn
into apathy—a potent friend of contempt. Contempt grows best in
a climate of indifference.
Bystanders have more excuses than valid reasons for not intervening.
These excuses help poison the social environment, increasing
the likelihood that bystanders will side with the bully and eventually
assume the role of bullies themselves. They include but are
certainly not limited to these nine:
1. The bully is my friend.
2. It’s not my problem! This is not my fight!
3. She is not my friend.
4. He’s a loser.
5. He deserved to be bullied, asked for it, had it coming.
6. Bullying will toughen him up.
7. Kids have a deeply embedded code of silence.
8. It’s better to be in the in-group than to defend the outcasts.
9. It’s too big a pain in the brain. Added bonus—the headache is gone.
Taken together, these reasons and excuses contribute to the erosion
of civility in peer group interactions. When civility is diminished,
it is replaced by a false sense of entitlement, an intolerance
toward differences, and a liberty to exclude that allow kids to harm
another human being without feeling empathy, sympathy, compassion,
or shame. This erosion of civility also erodes kids’ ability to
communicate, negotiate, and compromise—three vital skills necessary
for solving problems, resolving conflicts, and reconciling differences
peaceably.
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 The Net Neighborhood
Children are doubling up on their
media exposure—watching TV
while plugged in to the Internet,
text messaging while listening to
music—and packing as much as
8.5 hours of media exposure into
6.5 hours a day, seven days a
week. Kids are plugged in, turned
on, and tuned out for the equivalent
of a forty-five-hour workweek,
every week.
Media technology has the power
to help define reality for our kids;
it also has tremendous influence on
who our kids become and what
kind of world they inhabit.
Connecting to the Internet is like
opening the door to a new--and
vast—city.
• Some parents look at the ugly and
absolutely scary stuff out there and Faceless and nameless electronic
refuse to let the Internet be a part
of their family life at all.
• Some parents are so ill-informed
and have so little desire to be
computer literate that they allow
their children to roam any and all
streets, back alleys, and freeways
of the Internet.
• Some parents who know how
ignorant they are, make an effort to
learn at least as much as their young
children know, and more—especially
about Net safety and Net etiquette.
They realize the Net is here to stay, Faceless and nameless electronic
and that teaching children to use it
to their advantage, to get the most
out of it, and to be safe requires the anywhere and at anytime, with
same tools that other communication apparent anonymity, distributing of
and relationship skills require.
©Joey Coloroso 2007
Cyberbullies
Bullies are using high tech tools to
threaten, stalk, ridicule, humiliate,
taunt, and spread rumors about
their targets. The characteristics of
bullying—imbalance of power, the
intent to harm, the threat of further
aggression, and the creation of
terror—are magnified with the user
of electronic technologies.
transmissions make it easy for
bullies to torment their targets
anywhere and at any time.
Bullies are:
1. emboldened by apparent
anonymity afforded them in
cyberspace
2. removed from the immediate
reaction of the target,
3. far often not held
accountable for their actions.
transmissions make it easy for
bullies to torment their targets
irretrievable messages worldwide.
Ways and Means
of Cell Phone Bullying
Many models of today’s cell phones
are actually powerful, miniature,
handheld multimedia computers
that kids can use to talk to one
another, chat via IM, send text
messages with still and video
images, chat online, surf the Internet,
download songs, and watch TV.
Bullies use any and all of the
following to target their peers:
• Abusive, insulting, or threatening
voice messages.
• Abusive, insulting, or threatening
text messages.
• Silent calls.
• Stolen identity--sending text
message through a Website using
the name and phone number of the
target in order to get the target into
trouble, spread a rumor, or tempt
others to retaliate against an
unsuspecting target.
• Numerous calls or text messages
to a cell phone in order to run up a
large phone bill for the target.
• Photo-bullying—using cell phones
to take compromising or humiliating
pictures or videos of the target,
sending those pictures or videos to
everyone in their address books and
posting these pictures for perpetuity
on file-sharing service (such as
Kazaa) for anyone to download or
view.
excerpts from the bully, the bullied, and
excerpts
the from the bully,
not-so-innocent the bullied, and the
bystander
bystander,
by Barbara Coloroso
Barbara Coloroso © 2015 © 2005
www.kidsareworthit.com
www.kidsareworthit.com
kids are worth it! inc. 800.729.1588
info.kidsareworthit@gmail.com
fax 303.972.1204 p.o. box 621108
800.729.1588 T
Littleton, Colorado 80162
 Internet Gaming • Closely monitor your child’s TV How to Respond
viewing, video game playing,
Games played on gaming devices computer activities, and music. The situation is often made worse
such as Sony PlayStation 2 Network • Engage in more constructive, by responding to the cyberbully,
or Xbox Live allow players from entertaining, and energizing whether that response is passive,
around the world to play together or activities. aggressive, or assertive.
in competition with one another. • Teach your child to “will good.”
Cyber bullies who frequent gaming SCBT (Stop, Copy, Block, and
communities taunt, threaten, lock The discipline involved is a Tell a trusted adult.)
targets out of the game, or hack into constructive and compassionate
their target’s account. response to cyberbullying that takes • Stop. Don’t respond.
into consideration the intent, the • Copy. Make copies of all messages
Not all Internet games are violent, severity of the cyberbullying, and and pictures, and save cell phone
but those that are, greatly impact the the restorative steps needed to help text and voice messages.
bully, the bullied, and the bystander. the cyberbully to take on a more • Block or filter communications
Not only do these games normalize prosocial role in the face-to-face through IM contact list or email.
violence and make it routine, they encounters with peers and in the • Tell a trusted adult.
set up other people as adversaries, virtual neighborhood.
prey, or targets; they may even help If the cyberbullying is threatening
create neural pathways that connect Helping the Cyberbullied or vicious you may need to do the
violence with pleasure and rewards, following as well:
rather than fright, sadness, and Being targeted in cyberspace can • Change email address, account,
sympathy. have devastating and sometimes username, phone number and/or
deadly consequences. SIM (subscriber identity module)
Stopping Cyberbullying for cell phone users.
• The warning signs that kids exhibit • File a detailed complaint with the
Whether the cyberbullying is done when being cyberbullied are similar school.
via the cell phone or any other to those exhibited if they are bullied • File a complaint with the Website,
electronic tool—or combination of in any other way, but the spiral down Internet service provider, or cell
tools—the response should begin into depression, illness, and phone company.
with the loss of privileges related to academic failure is usually • Contact the police if the
the use of those tools. The following accelerated when cyberbullying is cyberbullying appears to be
steps are the same used to hold involved. criminal.
any bully accountable for any form • Cyberbullying can and does • Contact an attorney. It is possible
of bullying: happen anytime and anywhere—no to seek financial damages from the
escape. cyberbully and his or her parents.
• Intervene immediately with • All of the reasons for not telling
discipline utilizing the three Rs: about being the target of low-tech Bystanders
restitution, resolution, and bullying are the same for
reconciliation. cyberbullying. They can be willing or unwitting
• Create opportunities to “do good.” • Added fear that if targets report accomplices to cyberbullies. Bullies
• Nurture empathy and sympathy. being cyberbullied, their parents can use bystanders to do
• Teach friendship skills—assertive, will take away their cell phones and “cyberbullying by proxy.”
respectful, and peaceful ways to restrict their computer access.
relate to others.
 From Bystander to Witness Three P’s: must be educated not only about the
Policies, Procedures, and dangers of low-tech and high-tech
It is never easy to stand up to a bully Programs bullying, but also about the world
or defend a target. But just as there of high tech in general as both an
are ways to act courageously in the Even though most cyberbullying environment and a tool for
real world, there are ways to stand occurs outside of school, it socializing that the younger
up, speak out, and defend a target in negatively impacts students and the generation has fully embraced.
the cyberworld. school environment. It has already
led to violence—including murder Decoding the Code
Tactics and suicide—in schools throughout
the world. Kids use shorthand to quickly send
• Don’t contribute to a blog or Web- text messages to one another. It is
poll that denigrates or humiliates a If your school already has an important to know the lingo. A few
target. Sign off or click “end.” antibullying policy, procedures in common codes used:
• Don’t forward or copy-and-paste place for the bully, the bullied, and
derogatory, harmful, or hurtful e- bystanders, and programs that help• HHOJ: Ha, ha, only joking (or JJ:
mails, text messages, or pictures to break the cycle of violence and just joking). Both are used to absolve
another site. create a more caring, inclusive cyberbullies of any responsibility for
• Save, copy, and print out such environment, it is important that an
their taunts.
examples of cyberbullying and give electronic component be added to • LOL: Laughing out loud.
them to the target so he or she can all three P’s: • BRB: Be right back.
be aware of what is happening. • WTGP:
POS:
Text Want over
Parent to goshoulder.
private?
Sharing such information in a caring • Policies must include a sanction • 9: Parent in the room.
and supportive way will help the against cyberbullying as well as • YRDM: You are dead meat.
target feel less isolated and alone. other kinds of bullying. Students • YBS: You’ll be sorry.
• Tell a caring adult you trust who and parents need to be informed that • ASL: Age/sex/location.
will keep your identity confidential, cyberbullying will not be tolerated. • LMIRL: Let’s meet in real life.
who will act to support the target, • Procedures for restorative justice • F2F: Face to face.
and who will make sure the must be tailored to the unique • SOHF: Sense of humor failure.
cyberbully is held to account. problems and possible solutions • RUITD: Are you in the Dark?
• Tell the cyberbully that you are not required to repair the damage done
comfortable getting involved in the Check out
through cyberbullying—especially Check out Websites
websites such such as:as
cyberbullying. the very public and potentially www.netlingo.com
www.netlingo.com.
permanent aspect of it. www.commonsensemedia.org
Kids have to trust that telling an • Programs must address what www.StopCyberbullying.org
•Ask your kids to teach you a few of
adult will make a positive difference. cyberbullying is; how it impacts www.EndRevengePorn.org
www.EndRevenge.Porn.org
the shortcuts on the cell phone. It is
www.RedHoodProject.com
Once they have shared information students; what students are to do if important that you know and make
with you, talk with them about what they are targeted or if they are aware the effort to keep up with the lingo
they can do and what you are going of another student being targeted; • Askkids
your yourare kids to teach you a few of
using.
to do. and ways to use cyberspace in a the shortcuts on the cell phone. It is
creative, constructive, and important
excerpts from that youtheknow
the bully, and
bullied, andmake
the the
bystander,
effort toBarbara
keep up Coloroso
with©the2005
lingo your
If your child begs you not to get responsible manner. www.kidsareworthit.com
involved, hear them out, and then kidsareare
kids using.
worth it! inc. 800.729.1588
share your concerns about possible What is needed is a comprehensive fax 303.972.1204 p.o. box 621108
excerpts from the80162
bully, the bullied, and
Littleton, Colorado
consequences of not acting and the school-led/community-based the not-so-innocent bystander
possible actions you both can take. approach. The adult community by Barbara Coloroso © 2015
www.kidsareworthit.com
info.kidsareworthit@gmail.com
800.729.1588