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OGL 482 Pro-Seminar II

Week 2 Assignment
Your Life Story: A Personal Narrative

“Leaders are made, they are not born. They are made by hard effort, which is the price

which all of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile.”

-Vince Lombardi

“Leaders are made, they are not born.” While there can be arguments made for certain

characteristics that are common in many leaders, I agree, the experiences in our lives

make us into the people we are today. Our experiences, positive or negative, determine

what we value or place emphasis on how we approach life as well as leadership. This

became more evident while reflecting when preparing for this autobiographical personal

narrative. I chose two examples that have not only changed who I am as a person but who

I am as a leader.

I have written a similar assignment. Preparing and writing that assignment brought up

trauma that I had carefully shoved down since my childhood. It pushed my brain into

protection mode and I dissociated for over twenty hours. On a positive note, it also

facilitated an emotional breakthrough and understanding that my therapist had been

trying to achieve for quite some time. I have zero regrets.

Alternate Reality
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I spent a lot of time growing up, alone in my room. I liked it that way. I would spend this

time escaping into a completely different world by playing with Barbies or reading books.

I did not pretend to be a princess or have other mythical fantasies, I would create

different worlds. When I grew out of my Barbies, the time spent in books increased. What

also increased is the volume of batteries I went through from reading by flashlight well

past my bedtime.

Growing up, I never thought twice about how I would seek an escape into a different

world. I did not realize that I spent most of my time outside of school seeking out

alternative realities to that of the one I was living in. My childhood was by society's

standards conventional. My parents were and still are married. I am the middle child with

an older sister, who growing up viewed me as a nuisance, and a younger brother, who

was how can I put this kindly, a bottle rocket released in a small room. Even though we

lived the perceived American Dream, I always felt out of place and the odd one out. I did

not feel like I belonged. Reflecting as an adult, and with the help of many years of therapy,

I started to realize this feeling of not belonging may be why I chose to isolate myself from

my family and seek different realities than the one I was in. When I was isolated, I was

able to avoid the feeling that I didn’t belong because I was then able to choose my

environment.

Early on in my leadership, I had an exchange that altered how I viewed my approach as a

leader. I was new in my role as a store manager for Starbucks and engrossed in figuring

out what the tasks and operations looked like to be successful. This conversation is what I

attribute to my evolution from a manager to a leader. Her name is Lana. From the very

beginning of her onboarding, Lana shared with me that she was a transgender female just
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starting her journey. Very happily I shared what resources Starbucks had as well as asked

her if there is anything I could do to support her. We had many great conversations. She

was open and welcoming to any of my questions because I grew up very conservative.

I started to notice she would usually arrive early or stay late, even if she was just there to

sit in the cafe. One day I was teasing her about how sometimes they were at the store

more than I was! I asked why, and my heart melted when I heard her answer.

“Stephanie, this is where I get to be me. I don’t have to pretend to be someone different to

fit in or feel that I belong. It is my escape.”

That simple yet vulnerable statement hit me to my core. I turned in my chair so I was

facing her, put my hand on her forearm, and looked her in her eyes because I wanted to

make sure what I said next came across with the sincerity it deserved.

“This is where you belong as long as you want it to be.”

Later, she shared that she is not allowed to be Lana at home because her parents do not

accept her as Lana. The only place she was “allowed” to be Lana was within our four

walls. Just as I used Barbies and books to escape my reality, Lana was doing the same

thing by escaping and finding belonging with us. This realization is what started my

leadership evolution.
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As a leader, I want to make it a priority to create an environment of inclusivity, where

everyone can find a place they feel they belong. I am a leader who intentionally strives to

hire unique individuals to enhance and bring new perspectives to the current team. I

wanted to make it my mission to make sure that everyone on my team knew they

belonged. A place where no matter what was going on in their outside world, they knew

they could come to our four walls and belong. They can escape whatever is weighing on

them from their reality. To this day, years later, Lana still calls me her trans-mamma.

As a person, it solidified my desire to be a place of comfort, welcome, and judgment-free

to all that I cross paths with. It was situations like these that made me think about

becoming a foster parent to teens about to age out of the system. I want them to know

they can always have a safe place with me and a home to visit any time they want. I have

visions of long holiday tables, filled with those teens.

Understand to Support

The feeling of being the odd one out, that I didn’t belong, or that I was a burden only

intensified as I reached high school. I did everything I could to not rock the boat or cause

a burden to my parents. I was an honors student, involved in school clubs, and had a part-

time job. Yet I still felt like such a disappointment, which instilled trauma responses that I

am still unlearning to this day. What I did not know until I was an adult is that I was also

struggling with undiagnosed anxiety disorder, a combination of ADD/ADHD, and major

depression-moderate. In hindsight, this makes sense. My brain chemistry was working

against me and needed several medications to be able to function at a “normal” level. It

was not until the pandemic, that I finally found the right track with medications.
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A few years after the above diagnoses, I realized through therapy that I am also autistic.

Autism is vastly misunderstood in females. It took lots of work figuring out my authentic

self to realize why I always felt like the odd one. Now, I am understanding what my

authentic self looks like as I peel off the layers of masks I put on to try and function as a

“normal” person in society. I was clearly born not to be like everyone else, and today I am

learning to embrace that understanding.

With all of that being said, I want to introduce my dad. My dad is a good man. He loves

and provides for his family. On reflection as an adult, it is clear he did not understand how

to talk to me as I was growing up, as much as he tried. In his defense, I did not understand

myself either. He and I are similar in many ways. He is a leader that I look up to and strive

to be. One way we differ is that if you tell him he can’t do something, he will make sure to

prove you wrong. This has served him well and has helped him reach everything he has

accomplished. He tried the same motivation on me.

“You are not going to be successful.”

Guess what. It didn’t work. These are the last words that someone in my shoes wants to

hear. I already felt like I didn’t belong. That I was a burden. That I could never do anything

right. Now, I hear from my dad that he thinks I will not be successful on top of all of that.

This damaged my relationship with him and we are still recovering fifteen years later. I

know what he said came from a place of love and I do not hold any of that against him. He

was doing his best with the information he had in his possession.
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This is why it is of high importance to me to maintain a Transformational Leadership

style. A transformational leader makes sure to dial in on the needs, strengths, and

opportunities of their team. This not only helps the success of the team but also the

development of the individuals. This is highlighted in my leadership approach during

onboarding. Not only do I ask about how each individual learns best, I like to ask about

how they like to be coached. I go through a few examples of coaching: to the point or

compliment sandwich, in the moment or after the moment, brief, or a sit down with

examples. We continue and talk about how our store is a learning environment with a

growth mindset where everyone has something to learn. Then comes the gentle reminder

that with learning comes coaching. Coaching can sometimes be uncomfortable but should

be given and received with positive intentions.

I have found by setting that expectation during onboarding, a growth mindset becomes

second nature. I like to end with the emphasis that I am here to support as well as

challenge them. I open the lines of communication by letting them know that I want to be

coached as well. If they need something different from me or if I am doing something that

does not meet their needs, I want to know. I see it as my role as a leader to understand my

team to not only support them but to also optimize their performance.

As a person, this has instilled a great sense of empathy. (I can sometimes have too much

empathy as well. I need to learn how to balance better.) I care too greatly about

supporting others to the detriment of myself or what I need or feel. It has also made me

the greatest cheerleader out there. I make sure the people in my life know that I am in

their corner. I am here to give the best pep talk they have received or a big ol’ reality
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check. Sometimes, they need both!

Reflection is a difficult process because it can bring up emotions that were thought to be

long dealt with like it did when I was exploring how my past has defined and influenced

who I am as a person. Before writing this personal narrative, I knew that my mental

health is a big component of what made me into the person I am today. This is something

I am proud of and I am transparent about. I did not realize to what extent or how deep

into my childhood this went. Most exciting, I had not equated that experience with Lana

to be the turning point in my leadership approach. This narrative only made it even

clearer that I am passionate about the people in my life and making sure they have a place

anytime with me where they can feel supported, loved, and whatever their authentic self

looks like for them.