ACT I

SCENE: 1

(WWYD. The Atheist Radio Station. A song is

finishing)

MUSIC: "And that's why god... doesn't exist!"

SOUND: The radio station's theme riff plays

DJ:
And we're back! You've been listening to WWYD, What
Would You Do, the only station that provides the
ultimate Atheist listening experience. I'm your host,
Godless Gary and that was this week's number one hit
"Jesus Who?" Before that we heard that Pagan classic
"We Are Worm Food," and up next, by request, is "You
Would Be My Soul Mate If I Had a Soul, But I Don't
Because Souls Don't Exist And Neither Does God." But
first, before our last break I asked our listeners the
question "what do you think that Jesus fella was really
thinking while nailed to that cross, knowing he was not
the son of god?" Let's go to the phones and find out.
Caller, you're on air. Who'm I speaking to?

CALLER:
Um, hello?

DJ GARY:
Hey there, you're live on WWYD.

CALLER:
I'm on the air?

DJ GARY:
Yes. What's your name, sir?

CALLER:
Oh hi, this is Jesus.

DJ GARY:
That's unfortunate. (laughing) So, what do you think
Jesus was thinking while nailed to the cross?

CALLER:
Well, I was mainly reflecting on the pain I was in.
However, I was also thinking about how I was dying for
your sins.

DJ GARY:
(pause) Excuse me?
JESUS:
Yes. I died for you man.

DJ GARY:
Okay, it seems we have a prankster on the air. Thank
you for your input, sir. Moving on to our second
caller. Caller, you're on the air! Who'm I speaking to?

JESUS:
It's still me.

DJ GARY:
Jesus Christ...

JESUS:
Just Jesus is fine.

DJ GARY:
I didn't...How did you get on the other line?

JESUS:
I've raised men from the dead. If you're impressed by
that, I got some tricks that'll blow your mind.

DJ GARY:
Okay, sir, I don't know who you are, but--

JESUS:
You know exactly who I am. I just want to let you know,
that it's never too late to accept my message of
salvation.

DJ GARY:
My apologies for the confusion and technical
difficulties listeners, we are going to take a short
break to sort all of this out. We'll be back
momentarily on WWYD. Meanwhile, take a listen to this!

MUSIC: A christian song immediately comes on the

air
(The DJ stops the song after a line)

DJ GARY:
What the hell is going on?!

JESUS:
Open the eyes of your heart, Gary.

DJ GARY:
My microphone won't turn off. Look. Whoever you are.
Please hang up now. I don't know how you're doing this.
But stop. You're going to be in a lot of trouble.

JESUS:
 I'm more concerned about your well being.

DJ GARY:
Are you threatening me? Now who in the hell do you
think you are?

JESUS:
Heaven.

DJ GARY:
What?

JESUS:
Who in the Heaven do I think I am. Hell is a place
reserved for people who choose not to hear my message.
(pause) That's a hint Gary.

DJ GARY:
Yeah I got it. Once again, I sincerely apologize
listeners for this outrageous and elaborate prank. We
will be back on schedule any minute now.
     SOUND: Someone picking up the phone.

FEMALE VOICE:
Hello?

JESUS:
Mom, hang up, I'm on the phone.

FEMALE VOICE:
Sorry honey.
     SOUND: Hanging up.

JESUS:
Sorry about that.

DJ GARY:
Well "Jesus", it's been nice chatting with you but we
have to move on to other callers. Please. You can hang
up now.

SOUND: The Phone Rings.

DJ GARY (CONT'D):
Here, in fact we have another caller now!

JESUS:
You can not run away from me.

DJ GARY:
Hello caller, you're on the air.

CALLER 2:
Yes, hi. Long time listener, first time caller here.
DJ GARY:
Fantastic!

JESUS:
Uh oh. Hang up the phone, Gary.

DJ GARY:
With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?

CALLER 2:
This is Satan.

DJ GARY:
...god damn it.

JESUS:
Hey now!

SATAN:
Ooh, say it again.

DJ GARY:
Guys. Please. I'm begging you. Don't do this.

SATAN:
I just wanted to call in my support, Godless Gary, of
everything you're doing here. No need to believe this
blasphemer.

JESUS:
Oh, real mature Lucifer.

SATAN:
Don't talk to me about mature, Jesus. You've always had
that 'Holier than thou' attitude. It's not very
becoming of you.

JESUS:
Because I AM Holier th-

DJ GARY:
Guys. Guys! For the love of No One, please, will you
both take this elsewhere? Not here. Not on my show.

JESUS:
He started it.

SATAN:
Bullshit!

DJ GARY:
Hey! We're still on the air! Watch your language
Satan...or whoever you...(sigh) fuck it.
JESUS:
Listeners, this is Jesus. Jesus Christ. (pause) From
the Bible. I want you all to know that you have nothing
to worry about if you put your trust in me and your
Heavenly Father.

SATAN:
Oooor. Listeners, oooor, you can not believe this man.
He will not give you any kind of paradise. Go on doing
what you've been doing, you know, all that drinking...
sodomy... and becoming Republicans.

JESUS:
Lucifer!

SATAN:
Heaven is where you make it ladies and gentleman. Do
you really want to spend eternity worshiping some not
so great guy in the sky? Think about it listeners. No
beer!

JESUS:
Well, we have some non alcoholic--

SATAN:
No sex!

JESUS:
You're on your knees before God in prayer!

DJ GARY:
Gross.

SATAN:
And worst of all no choice, listeners. That's right.
You do exactly as he says all day, every day. You open
your mouth one time about how you think things should
be run, and look what happens, banished to an eternity
of fire, brimstone, and no Chick fil a. You think it's
bad them not being open on Sundays? Think again. Tell
me, what kind of merciful god is that?

DJ GARY:
Guys! Please, that's enough. Satan, if you were indeed
the Devil, all you would be accomplishing right now is
converting our listeners to Christianity. Proving
beyond a reasonable doubt that Hell exists is enough to
turn anyone to seeking god.

SATAN:
Did you not a hear a word I said?

DJ GARY:
 I did, and I'm not going anywhere I can't get an order
of waffle fries.

JESUS:
Well said, Gary.

DJ GARY:
Thank you Jesus.

SATAN:
Slavery awaits all of you that follow god. god is not
benevolent. god is not understanding of the human
condition. god is never truly there for you. When you
need him most try asking yourself: "Where is your god
now?!"

SOUND: The Phone Rings.

DJ GARY:
Listeners, we have another caller. And rest assured I'm
not going to answer it.

CALLER 3:
Hello?

DJ GARY:
And it has answered itself.

CALLER 3:
Hi Godless Gary. I have a message for our two callers.

SATAN AND JESUS:

Oh, shit.

DJ GARY:
Of course you do. (giving up) Who is this speaking?

CALLER 3:
God.

DJ GARY:
Of course it is. Uh oh Jesus, Daddy's on the phone.

GOD:
Jesus!

JESUS:
Uh...hi Dad.

GOD:
You've really messed up this time. What have I told you
about this kind of behavior?

JESUS:
 "No more presenting myself to the human race
effectively proving that I exist..."

GOD:
Lucifer. (No answer) Lucifer I know you're there. I
know everything.

SATAN:
Heeeey.

GOD:
Hang up. Now.

SATAN:
Yes sir.

SOUND: The line goes dead.

DJ GARY:
Now we seem to be making progress. So "God", why don't
you take baby Jesus here and get him off my line for
me?

GOD:
Son, I have told you thousands of times not to get
involved with human affairs.

JESUS:
But--

GOD:
Get ready. Your actions have given me no choice but to
end the world. Faith is dead. I hope you're satisfied.

SOUND: THE LINE GOES DEAD.

DJ GARY:
Two down. Jesus, you still there?

JESUS:
Sorry listeners. Sorry Gary. It wasn't my intention to
bring about the apocolypse. I guess I'll see you guys
soon...well...actually I probably not. Again. My bad.

SOUND: THE LINE GOES DEAD.

DJ GARY:
And I guess we're back. I apologize for that faithful
listeners of WWYD. It seems these pranksters were very
well organized and somehow had access to our phone
lines. I assure you, contrary to what you've just
heard, there is absolutely not going to be an
apocolypse any time soon. Here at WWYD we believe in
rationality. So you have absolutely nothing to worry
a--

SOUND: Static. The station is off air.