How to Use Self-Compassion to

Stop Blaming Yourself for

Everything
Are you quick to blame yourself even for things you didn’t do or couldn’t
control?

When things go wrong, is your immediate response: It’s all my fault or I

shouldn’t have done that?

For many of us, self-blame and criticism are insidious. We’re unrelenting with
our demands and expectations, and were our own worst critic when things
don’t go as planned or we don’t perform perfectly.

Why were so hard on ourselves

Self-blame and self-criticism are learned behaviors. A blaming or critical
parent, teacher, friend, or family member may be the original source of your
inner-critic.

Children are especially vulnerable to blame, rage, and criticism because they
don’t have a strong sense of self. They base their self-concept on what others
tell them. So, if you were repeatedly told you’re needy or you’re stupid, you
probably grew up believing it.

Our negative beliefs can also result from what wasn’t said or done for us as
children. For example, if your parents weren’t attentive to your feelings, the
unspoken message was that your feelings (and you) don’t matter.
When criticism, blame, verbal abuse, and emotional neglect are chronic, we
internalize this critical voice and make it our own. We continue to repeat these
negative false beliefs (I’m ugly, I’m stupid, It’s all my fault, I’m worthless) and
reinforce them until they become automatic.

We also tend to choose partners in adulthood who repeat this cycle of blame
and criticism. Were unconsciously drawn to people who criticize and blame us
because we’re used to it and it validates the negative beliefs we have about
ourselves.

Here is an example of the cycle of self-blame:

Maggie and Ted (a narcissist) were married for 12 years. At the beginning of
their relationship, Ted doted on Maggie. He was charming and successful -
everything her father was not. However, as their wedding approached, Teds
true personality emerged. He was controlling, had to win every argument by
making Maggie feel inadequate and embarrassed, and insisted that things be
done his way. Ted could never admit his own mistakes and shortcomings. He
blamed Maggie for things she couldn’t control, accused her of things she did
not do, and shamed her into believing that she was the cause of their marital
problems, his business failings, and even his insomnia.

Narcissists, like Ted, lack boundaries, which means they expect you to be an
extension of them. They don’t see you as a unique, worthwhile person. It’s all
about what you can do to build them up, please them, and make them look
better to the rest of the world. And because narcissists lack boundaries, self-
awareness, and the ability to acknowledge their faults, they love to blame
others for their mistakes. So, it is not surprising that after years of being
married to a narcissist, Maggie internalized much of this blame and now, even
after being divorced for six months, she criticizes herself for even the tiniest
imperfection and she blames herself for everything that goes wrong.
As you can see from Maggie’s story, removing yourself from the people who
project blame onto you, doesn’t cure you of self-blame. So, how do you break
free of this entrenched pattern?

Self-compassion is an antidote to self-blame

and criticism
Self-compassion being kind to yourself — can help you break the cycle of self-
blame. Self-compassion can include affirming your feelings, prioritizing self-
care, accepting your mistakes, or giving yourself the benefit of the doubt.

The first element of self-compassion is to acknowledge that you’re struggling

(perhaps feeling like a failure, feeling overwhelmed, or tired) and recognize
that everyone struggles; no one is perfect or has it all together.

You can begin to be more self-compassionate by practicing the following

exercises designed by self-compassion expert and psychologist Kristin Neff,
Ph.D.

1. Changing your critical self-talk

When you notice that you’re being hard on yourself, take a few moments to
write down exactly what your self-critical voice is saying. Next, try to respond
to it in a positive and caring way, like something you would say to a friend.
Here is an example of how Maggie can respond to her self-blame:

Self-critical voice: You’re so stupid. Why did you ask Ted to take Chloe to
ballet class? You should have known he would blow up!

Compassionate response: I know you wanted Chloe to be able to go to class;

ballet means so much to her. It’s not your fault that Ted blew up.
 2. Write a compassionate letter to yourself

Imagine that you have a friend who loves you unconditionally, forgives you,
understands your life experiences, and knows all your strengths and
weaknesses including everything you’ve failed at, feel ashamed of, and dont
like about yourself. Write a letter to yourself from this imaginary friend that
focuses on the things you tend to judge yourself harshly about. Dr. Neff
suggests that you consider:

 What would this friend say to you about your flaw from the perspective
of unlimited compassion?
 How would this friend convey the deep compassion he/she feels for
you, especially for the pain you feel when you judge yourself so
harshly?
 What would this friend write in order to remind you that you are only
human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses?
 And if you think this friend would suggest possible changes you should
make, how would these suggestions embody feelings of unconditional
understanding and compassion?
(source: https://self-compassion.org/exercise-3-exploring-self-
compassion-writing/)

Be sure to reread your letter a few times and let the compassion and
acceptance it contains sink in fully.

3. Loving touch

You can also calm and soothe yourself through loving touch.

Physical touch is a powerful therapeutic tool. It releases oxytocin, the love

hormone, which promotes feelings of calm, trust, safety, and connectedness;
and it reduces the stress hormone cortisol that is released when were blamed
or criticized by ourselves or others. So, by giving yourself a hug or gentle neck
massage, you’re changing your body’s chemistry (increasing oxytocin and
decreasing cortisol). It’s a simple yet effective way to comfort yourself.

Practicing self-compassion exercises regularly, such as the ones above, can

help you break the self-blame cycle and restore your sense of worth!

2019 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photo by Leo Rivas on
Unsplash.com