Incognito

Though humans natural want for affection and love, some

still live in the dark. Suffering quitely with a smile on their
faces, those who seem the best while they suffer with a big
hole in their hearts and soul are the most dangerous of
them all...

I am not depressed, just want to get that out of the way cause lot of people these
days are like " bro why the hell you gon' write something like this if you are not
depressed" I write this cause i know the feeling of drowning, the voice in my head
saying that there is nothing much more to life than pain, suffering and just a whole
lot of fake shit. I feel i was made differently. I am practically the middle child in
my family and i know of the sterotype that middle childs are "invinsible" i guess. I
wasnt really invinsible per say, acctualy it was the exact opposite. My 15 years on
this earth i have run the most errands in the family, and not like it was not right for
my parents to send me on them but like i mean i wasnt the only one. My two elder
brothers have been part of the biggest scandals in the school we have all attended
together. So again i have heard a lot of " Is this what your brother has been
teaching you" cause my mum is scared that i will turn up like my elder brother. I
guess they imagine my big bro has so much influence on me. I dont they have ever
thought about just chilling and asking me about how i feel about him and I will
have told them that i know he is not the greatest guy. Sometimes he is a legend and
like im honestly joyfull that this guy is my brother but i know that his actions and
attitude are a bit sidetracked. Anyhow that is not the purpose of writing this
whatever im writing. I have no idea what im writing about acctually. I guess this
will be like a diary showing how i deal with all the shit life throws. Of course first i
will give God all the credit cause i guess he has kept sane through all the ups and
downs of this broken rollercoaster called life. Back to me being made differently, I
dont think i was made to be sad. Let me try to explain myself : I dont get angry a
lot and even if i do, it doesnt stay for long. I sometimes hate myslef cause i know
this person did shit to me or hurt me and like i will vex for a time and then i just
willnt again. I dislike fights and even though sometimes i hype up fights, i will be
the first to jump in and seperate it. I dislike arguments, disagreements, disunity and
a whole lot of other negative stuff thats starts with di-. I mean thats makes me
perfect and thats what i think so thats the image of myslef that i push out for others
to see and then hide the real me. I can be mourning over a death and then if a
friend comes in complaining about her lost ring or his girl, i will dry my face and
listen to whatvever shit that they want to say. I just feel thats my prupose in life, to
make all other feel good even though it means a demerit for me. Of course, against
my own thinking, im not perfect in any way. Sometimes i am not just in the mood
or i even do the hurting. Focusing on me hurting i dont know why. I just feel that
with the friends and family around me, i still feel so lonely and so cold. Like i can
literally make friends with the whole world and still feel so lonely. I dont know
how that happens and acctually still dont know why. I expect the demons inside me
are put away when i have people near me but it just makes it worse. It tells me that
look around and see how much you help them and get nothing in return and thats
not true they ask, they care but i couldnt bear to put my pain on them. I was made
to share everyones pain and still carry my own. Of course there is Jesus who you
can turn to but i dont know whats wrong with me. Its like i dont like the good
things happening to me but i will prefer any day to celebrate with a friends over a
new car or a high paying job. Now what bothers me most the matter of love. I have
been in love before, acctualy twice before and now a girl is given me a bit of a
tingle. I dont want to be alone but i feel like my magic wears out once in a while.
Instead of helping i hurt and break their hearts and i dont want them to be hurt so i
stay on my own. I just feel so lost and i have no idea what makes me feel like this.
I guess my excuse is im a teenager, shit. One thing i know helps me so much is
music. Music carries so much strenght and power. It really influences the mood of
one, throws out emotion on any one listening to it. Those lucky one are the one
who not have a special vibe with music but those who specially relate to the artist.
But of course with blessings a curse must follow. Someone like myself that is
easliy trusting, easily attached when this person leaves, it get hard. It feels like you
cant move on and then for some time you cant get out. You have set a trap for
yourslef with the one you looked up. After the period of mourning you will get
angry cause he promised to stay, he promised to never let go but he did and even if
it was not his fault you will curse him and try to forget about him but he never
goes. At a point you stop listening to his music but are to weak to delete it. Then
the turn around comes and u continue to listening to him but all it gives u is a sad,
empty feeling. Then you understand and try to forgive but the scar will remain,
forever. So like me, please dont get trapped, dont easily get attached like me and
put yourself in this hole i dug for myself. But that does not mean you dont trust
cause me, i dont know where ill be if i had'nt meet somepeople.When you find the
right people that will build you up and tell you to get of your ass when you fall are
the ones you keep for life. I dont think love is meant for me. Like the love of
couples cause when you are in a relationship you put your heart to this one special
person and give her eveything you have but if do that i feel like im cheating. What
happens to the boy that just lost his mum and needs comforting or that girl that
really just needs a hug when im off watching a movie with my so called 'babe'. Its
not fair for others if i put myslef on one person. I may just be ranting and
completely lying to myself on how important i am to everyone but this how i feel
and that is a major influence in me writing this.

Until later

I love you

Door