Is it better to be famous or unknown?

I have grown up so into celebrities and fame, I’ve always loved the inspiration that famous
people (has given) give me, and all they can do with their lives and all the money they have.
But, it’s something that happens, in my opinion to ALL the famous people, that fame has a lot
more of disadvantages.

In one hand, I have to say that having a big amount of money is the best thing that being
famous has (THIS IS AN OPINION), not worrying about if we can have what we want or not, it
can be travels (travelling), clothes, houses, cars, experiences all around the world, but, is it
money the most important thing in life? Is it more important than, for example, having a
private life? THIS PARAGRAPH SOUNDS MORE LIKE AN INTRODUCTION

Secondly, I think that if you are famous and ( YOU) have a big impact in the media and the
world, a lot of interested people will be near you, just because you are someone recognized all
around the world, and if you are a simple mortal, it will caught your attention to be friend of
that person.

In conclusion, I’ve confirmed while writing this essay, that for me it’s better to be famous. I
dream of being (BECOMING) an inspiration to others, I imagine others seeing (LOOKING AT
ME) me talking and getting excited and it really would make me happy. Also, despite of all
what you’ve read before, I truly believe that you have to do an inner work, to not let people
and media affects your inner peace, to not get obsessed with money, and to not trust anyone
who tries to be near you, I think it’s a difficult path, but it is worthy if you become a role
model.

EXCELLENT USE OF LINKERS

COMPREHENSION OF THE TASK SEEMS CLEAR

STRUCTURE OF THE TEXT IS CORRECT

WATCH “FALSE FRIENDS”

THE TEXT IS CLEAR AND IS EASY TO UNDERSTAND YOUR POINT. NEVERTHELESS, THE POINT IN
EACH OF THE PARAGRAPHS WAS NOT STATED CLEARLY AND IS DIFFICULT TO SEE THE POINT
AND ITS ARGUMENT. CONCLUSION AND OPINION ARE CLEAR TOO.

REPEATED WORDS

GRAMMAR MISTAKE

COULD HAVE BEEN SAID INA DIFFERENT WAY, NOT CLEAR