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How do I answer my toddler's questions about genitals?

My 18-month-old daughter has been pointing at and asking about genitals both hers and ours. How should I respond?

Expert Answers
Susanne Ayers Denham, developmental psychologist

No need to worry. Keep it short and sweet, and your toddler will follow your lead. As parents, we can get anxious when children ask about anything remotely sexual. But your child's curiosity about genitals is no different than her questions about eyes, ears, feet, noses, and other less private parts. And genitals are pretty interesting, as body parts go. Her questions are only natural after all, she has to learn about private parts from someone, and it's best for that someone to be you. How should you respond? Be direct, and stay matter-of-fact. Follow the rule of thumb: "Is this how I would tell her about elbows or knees?" Give her the anatomically correct name for the body part ("vagina," "penis") and avoid baby talk using funny or silly words will just confuse her and, if anything, makes the discussion a bigger deal. If she asks what they're for, you can say that genitals are for going to the bathroom. If you feel comfortable mentioning that they're also used for making babies, that's okay, too. She may not get it, but a child this age has no understanding of sex and won't make that connection. She may also ask why Daddy's or her brother's genitals are different from hers. Point out that each person is unique: Her best friend's eyes are blue while hers are brown, and Grandma's nose is smaller than Grandpa's. In the same vein, boys' private parts look different from girls'. Keep it simple, and if you don't act embarrassed, she won't be, either.

Community Answers
If you want to be entirely anatomically correct then for girls you'd teach them "vulva" not vagina... Also, I think at 18mths its easier and more practical to teach them "pee,pee" particularly since it'll make more sense to them if you're potty training. BTW, teaching them its for making babies at such a very young age would be entirely to confusing. I'd save that for later... just my 2cents. posted 10/22/2007 by Anonymous
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Was this answer helpful? 268 out of 371 found this answer helpful Personally, I'm going to wait until my son ASKS me how babies are made before volunteering any information on that, mainly because I think that he's too young to understand that concept. For now, all he needs to know is that his penis is for going potty. I also agree with one poster that it's perfectly acceptable to say "pee-pee" instead of "penis" when they are very young. As they get older, you can teach them the correct terminology. My 14-month-old is very curious about genitalia... he tries to grab and poke sometimes. I just say "No no. That's Mommy's (or Daddy's), and it's private." I don't want him to be ashamed of his body, but I do want him to respect other people's boundaries. posted 10/22/2007 by emilykallas
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167 out of 195 found this answer helpful I've tried to keep it as natural as with other parts of the body,in Spanish we call genitals "colita", so my 17mths has learnt this name and sometimes when or after bath she points to her different body parts and she would always include her "colita!" as part of this activity.I think that we shouldn't overexpain genitals, since we never overexplain eyes or arms or any other parts of the body.I think that she will ask for more information when she is ready to assimilate it. posted 10/27/2007 by Anonymous
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Was this answer helpful? 102 out of 112 found this answer helpful We say "girl parts" and "boy parts." End of story. My daughter knows that her baby brother's boy parts look different than her girl parts and accepts it very easily. Neither of them needs to know just yet that they are used for anything but peeing, and that they are private. I agree with the parent who called into question the use of "proper terms," pointing out that we don't call our head a cranium in everyday conversation. And do you call it poop or feces? Come on. There's nothing wrong with simplifying terms for young children--they don't need THAT much information! And I can honestly say that I've never met a school-age child who doesn't understand why his "peepee" now has a more grown-up name (and I work with school-age children). Honestly, kids are smarter than you're giving them credit for. Let them be kids and stop worrying about being PC. posted 11/11/2008 by kaylapowell
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Was this answer helpful? 95 out of 113 found this answer helpful I have always said, "that's your penis and it's private." I believe you have to be very honest and modesty is never taught too early.pecially in this day and age when normal adolescent behavior gets kids in big trouble. posted 10/15/2007 by peepersmcgee
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Was this answer helpful? 103 out of 147 found this answer helpful One of the main reasons you are supposed to call a child's private parts by their proper name (e.g. vagina, penis) is to help eliminated confusion if - God forbid - your child should ever become a victim of sexual abuse. When a detective or CSP worker interviews your child, using the correct term will help facilitate the interview and cut down on the possibility of your child's interview being thrown out in court because of confusion over what part is called what. I realize this is not a popular concept, but child abuse exists and we, as parents, need to make sure we give our kids as much ammunition as possible without scaring them. My ex-boyfriend was a detective with Juvenile Abuse dept, and I'm a counselor working primarily with children involved in CSP and foster care. I have seen too many times what can happen if ANYTHING goes wrong in a child abuse case. Don't wait until the child is older to teach proper terms - the abuser certainly won't wait. posted 11/11/2008 by Lena's mom
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Was this answer helpful? 75 out of 97 found this answer helpful I am all for honesty and giving things proper names but a child also needs to be able to communicate their needs and i am not sure other children (or even adults) will understand what vulva is refering to. posted 2/20/2008 by Anonymous
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Was this answer helpful? 44 out of 59 found this answer helpful I agree that using a more simple term for "private parts" is important and while you have their attention in this area I think children need to learn at the same time that no one else is to touch their tinker, tu tu, bootie/butt/bottom whatever else have you and that is why it is called Private. posted 10/25/2007 by Anonymous
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Was this answer helpful? 54 out of 80 found this answer helpful I'm all for correct terminology but, since (practically) everyone and their mom refers to the vulva as the vagina wouldn't it make it more confusing to teach your little girl "vulva" instead of vagina? What if someone ask her (god forbid) to touch her vagina, and she didn't know what it was so she said "ok"??? That said, I have a boy, when he tries to touch his penis while nappy changes I tell him "Penis to go pee." and "Private" and then I have him wash his hands and say "If you touch your penis, wash your hands". I try to keep the words simple at this age (19 months) too much explanation will confuse a toddler. posted 11/08/2007 by gratefulbeauty
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Was this answer helpful? 46 out of 72 found this answer helpful I would have to disagree. I taught my daughter it was a vagina and I've never used any other name,. I wouldn't come up with a weird name for an elbow, why not teach her what a vagina is? And yes, I used that word always, not a"a pee-pee", why would I? It's a vagina, using it to go to the bathroom is different, but I wouldn't suggest the baby talk and using code words. And explain to your child if they announce it in front of a million people and it offends you or emberasses you that it's a private thing. posted 11/19/2007 by Anonymous
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