Memory

I’m 13, even without twelve days 14, but i stayed on 24February 22.
Memory – is the only source of experience, feelings and kind of mental time travel,
a way for us to picture not just the past but also a version of the future.

Sometimes, it is the only way to give back your old life, that you miss so much
and cannot experienced again. When you miss someone, you don’t talk to anymore
or things that had left you forever. You are maybe trying to take a deep breath and
start a new life, but there is a heavy pack on your back and especially on your
mind, that don’t let you go. You want to left them and run away from all the
ghosts, but you meet them everywhere again. Things that you used to wear, music
you used to listen, books you had read, even your home - still haunted. It all
reminds you of innocent and smells like past, that no longer is present…

But you still trying and pretend that you get better, but don’t fucking lie to
yourself. Your still there, right where you had left the happiest times of your
existence. You got lost harder and deeper even in your mind, soul and heart. Every
decision, action or solution feels so fake; every breath you take feels so unreal;
every day of your life feels like a dream.

Then, you would love to get lost in the work. You are going to exercise,
studying, painting, reading too much, just to forget about your troubles and escape
from your thoughts. It will work, but not forever. You will have a breakdowns and
emotional burning, so everything is going to last in thousands of times harder.

After this, will appear another strange feeling, that will keep you alive – hope.
You are going to pluck at it, like a ship that won't let you drown, want to keep it
near you, just not to lost this one light in dark tunnel. It will say to you: that
everything will be alright, you are strong enough to handle it… You would
probably believe in…for some time.
- but what are going to be afterwards?’ – you may probably ask.
and I would be quiet. Why? I still cannot find an answer for it.
- are you completely engulfed in darkness?
- no, no, I don’t think so...
- so, you are finally in the brightest side with hopes and beliefs?
- still no…
- so, who do you want to escape from your past?
- …
Silence.
Question.
“How can I get out of this labyrinth?”

4 of July, 22:34.
I am sitting in village under the roar of aircraft.
of the Ukrainian aircraft.