3 - Deep into you

I ran from love for a thousand miles

Even though I knew I'd eventually have to go back to suffering in the same place
I - why do I run away?

Nueankin used to tell himself that one 'tomorrow,' if there was a chance, they would see
each other again.
But for Mueangnan, that chance was extremely difficult to realize because the sad-eyed boy
had not returned. He had disappeared...
It had already been seven days. Mueangnan was not waiting, but kept count of the time that
passed without knowing the reason. Nueankin's voice still influenced his heart. Although the
music in the famous club under his father's supervision was deafening, he felt lonely.
That night was like any other night. Full of lights, night butterflies were drawing patterns on
the dance floor to the rhythm of the music's heavy beats, arousing feelings in his heart. All
the lives in there were savoring the taste of happiness they were given, each touch. Each
light friction of bodies was pushing everyone to let go.
It felt like the expensive alcohol that began to rush through his veins had increased the
rhythm of the dance and made it become intense and violent, until he forgot everything. It
was a story that Mueangnan had already been through, but he was not enjoying it. He just
sat apathetically and watched his friends flock with the crowd.
"Hello," a tall, unkempt boy had approached and greeted him. His big eyes had looked at
him only for a moment as he sighed faintly.
He hated meeting that kind of person.
He hated the atmosphere and the smell of alcohol mixed with that of cigarettes.
He hated it and did not want anyone to come near, but he could not avoid it.
"Are you alone?" The deep voice continued. Mueangnan, however, answered by giving clear
signs that he intended to ignore him.
Mueangnan was just a boy who wanted his father's attention. He had learnt these methods
after watching his father routinely go in and out of clubs as part of his job, and he always
hoped that he would turn toward him and notice his presence.
But no, in the end the boy was like an uncontrolled child that his father was ready to
abandon at any moment.
"Wait, let's talk a little. Are all the cute ones so arrogant?"
"Stop bothering me."
"Wow! What a sweet voice. Who did you come with?"
"None of your business."
"Hey...Mueangnan."
"How do you know my name?"
"Everyone knows you, you're famous. Listen... Would you like to join my friends' table?
Believe me, we can light up your day." He spoke as he gestured toward a table in the VIP
area in another corner of the club, where three or four other guys were drinking.
"No, I'll stay here," replied the sweet voice.
"You really do have a heart of stone. Never mind, can I sit and keep you company?"
"Whatever."
Mueangnan squinted his eyes to look to the right for a moment, then took a full glass and
drained it in one gulp. Mueangnan was a strong drinker. People at the university regarded
him as a kind of angel, honest and kind, although in reality he had discovered the worst of
this world since he was a child.
Ever since he had opened his eyes and discovered he had two mothers....
"You hold your liquor well," the other boy was still talking to him.
"I come almost every night."
He had no intention of caring about those voices, for he had so many thoughts on his mind
that he had no time to care about his surroundings. He only thought of a reason why his
brain could register and remember things about only one person.
Nueankin, Nueankin, Nueankin.
Always like this, again and again.
"Can we sit down?" Mueangnan was snapped out of his thoughts and looked doubtfully at
the newcomers. As soon as he realized that they were stranger’s friend, who was sitting
beside him, he did not answer and merely nodded.
His friends had disappeared on the dance floor and would not return soon.
And Guntithat- he did not know where he was.
Mueangnan had never told... He had never told her secret or his negative sides to his
boyfriend. He wasn't afraid that their love wouldn't survive, but he didn't want the other guy to
feel uncomfortable about anything, so he had put on the good guy mask that everyone knew.
You see, That knew almost nothing about Mueangnan.
Someone handed him a glass, "Let's drink."
"I already have mine."
"Then let's have a toast."
"Hmm..."
The glasses clinked against each other several times. The long night slipped to an end as
the alcohol began to flow through his body and the young boy felt drunk and light-headed.
His vision began to get blurry. The people around him were merging into an indistinct faded
blur. The world began to be unstable. The boy had never been so drunk that he was unable
to force himself to return home safely.
"Hey, are you okay?" Repeated a harsh voice.
"N-no..." He would have liked to reply that he was not at all well.
"Don't worry. Go to sleep if you're tired, I'll take care of you."
"N-no, it's okay..."
"It does. You're too drunk."
"F-friends..." Mueangnan tried to concentrate to observe the dance floor, where his friends
were showing off their dancing skills. It was too difficult to shout for them to call out as his
energy grew thinner and thinner. His eyelids were getting heavier and heavier until....
Finally he closed his eyes.
"He has already left. Hurry up and get him before his friends arrive," ordered one of the
group.
"Now, now. You keep an eye on the exit."
However, he didn’t make it in time to push the fainting boy away from the table, because the
tall figure of a newcomer appeared. He stared at the group of young men with a steady
gaze, so much so that the young men swallowed hard.
"Do you wish to meet the day of your death?"

XXX
The boy came to when he was illuminated by the outside lights. He struggled to open his
eyes and blinked several times. He had awakened in an unfamiliar place, with a bainful
ceiling that appeared old, a hard mattress. He passed his hand over the mattress several
times, but his disorientation did not diminish.
He could not support himself to sit up because he had no energy. He only managed to
recover enough to remember something that happened before he fell asleep.
He heard the sound of the doorknob being turned, then the old wooden door slid open as
someone came striding into the room, causing him to frown. Finally their eyes met.
"You got drunk," said the newcomer.
"Really?"
"Are you still hungover?"
"I think..."
"Can you get up?" The tone was too gentle.
"Don't worry about me," he grimaced, then hoisted himself up on his arms to sit up despite
the hangover headache.
"I brought you another blanket, I was afraid you wouldn't sleep well," said the deep voice. His
eyes stared at the other man's movements without breaking away from him for a moment.
"Why wouldn't I have slept well?"
"The bed is hard."
"How come you can sleep in it?"
"I am not like you."
"I'm a person, you can't not be like me. Or are you saying you are not?"
"..." The other remained silent, then turned his back to him to avoid an argument, but he was
wrong. Every step he took that drew him away from Mueangnan was accompanied by his
incessant complaints.
"Nueankin!"
"..."
"Nueankin, stop!"
"..."
"Did you think you would come and go at your leisure?"
"..."
"Why did you come back? Why did you come back into my life!?"

'Go away."
'...'
'Don't come back again.'
'I-I’m sorry.”
'Don't apologize, just don’t come back -- don't let me see you again!'

He knew-he knew that he should not have returned, but doing so had been too difficult for a
person who had nothing and had nothing left like Nueankin.
Nuea came back into his life again after disappearing for seven days. He had gone to places
where the two of them would never meet. It would have been better if he had disappeared
and never returned. His heart would not have suffered from having to meet and abandon him
like that.
He hated him-he had to hate him.
He trembled, but many times Nuenakin would disappear and come back into his life. What
he felt always changed, and this time too was no exception. His heart screamed at him to
hate him for the rest of his life. Why was he beginning to waver alarmingly?
"Bitter coffee helps with hangovers," the taller boy said in a flat voice as he placed a cup of
coffee in front of Mueangnan, who sat at the dining table, not old but not new either, in the
worn-looking beige house like everything else.
"Thank you..." Lazily replied the soft voice.
"I also made you some kao tom."
"It wasn't necessary to go through so much trouble. I won't bother you, I'll leave right away."
"I know..."
"So...what happened last night? How did I end up with you?" That was the thing he wanted
to know the most. Mueangnan had gotten drunk, that was all he remembered.
"I was just passing by and your friends had already left. I took you here to sleep because it
was safer," Nueankin lied to keep the other from getting upset, because there was actually
more to tell.
First, he had stopped by the club on purpose, because he knew the boy would be there and
wanted to protect him.
Second, he had gotten into a fistfight with those people. They had made too much noise and
he had had to get out of there.
Third, he had not paid a baht, because he had no money.
Fourth and last, Mueangnan had not been safe, because Nueankin had taken the
opportunity to keep him hugged all night.
In the end, Nueankin was still the selfish person who wanted to love and possess a person
who did not even give him a chance to touch him.
"Thank you again," he replied with his mouth, but his eyes were fixed on the wounds on his
hands, and he wrinkled his forehead.
"It's nothing."
"Your coffee sucks."
"Wait, I'll make you another one. How do you like it?" He seemed a little too excited to know
the things about the other.
"Never mind. You know I'll have to leave eventually."
"..."
"I won't stay with you."
One thing he could say with certainty was that the person in front of him was Mueangnan.
The hard truth that Nueankin kept telling himself, that he had only managed to get so far.
He had only managed to hug him as he slept, before saying goodbye through tears, while
the other did not think to turn around to look at him.
It hurt.
But he couldn't help it. Holding back was his own business.
The smaller one sat eating kao tom and drinking coffee in silence, while the other stood
looking at him motionless, as if he did not want to miss a single second. Muenagnan had
almost finished the food on his plate and took it to the sink, placed it on an empty shelf and
turned to face the other.
"I have to go."
"I'll take you."
"No need. I'll call Gun to pick me up."
"Hmm..." Nuean nodded unconvinced. He felt like a useless fool. When he had heard Dr.
Gunthitat's name he could not help but compare himself to him, although there was really
nothing to compare himself with.
Or rather, there was, but Nueankin had no one....
Except for Mueangnan.
"Your cell phone is in the room, I'll bring it to you."
"Never mind, I can go upstairs," he said as he walked to the second floor of the beige house.
Mueangnan did not notice that the walls that propped up to the second floor were filled with
photographs. Some stuck up, others were hanging on the walls all the way to the bedroom.
Perhaps because of his hangover a few hours earlier, he had not noticed the details around
him.
He stopped in front of the bed, reached for his cell phone when his gaze fell on a photo at
the head of the bed.
It was a photo of the Northern Lights, in the place he had wanted to observe from the earth,
but had not had the chance.
"Where is this place?" The soft voice asked, because he knew Nueankin had followed him
and was not far away.
"Yukon, Canada."
It was the photo Nuea had intended to send him along with a handwritten message, but in
the end he had been too chicken and sent it to himself, to his own address.
"Beautiful. Is it from some magazine?"
"No, I took it myself."
"..."
"I tried to capture my feelings in this picture, to show who it belongs to."
"Are you that jealous of even a photo?"
"No, I just want to know that there is at least one thing that is mine. But with some objects
and some people, no matter how much you want to, you can only observe them from a
distance, because we have no right to claim ownership."
"..."
"Do you want it? I'll give it to you."
"No. If I had the chance, I think I would prefer to take the picture myself."
"No problem. I like to take pictures and keep them for you, as always. If one day I'm not here
and you miss me, you can come and get it. Everything that is mine..."
"..."
"I give it to you."
"I don't want anything. Never mind. I have to go."
I'm used to it.... I'm used to his rejections.
"All right. I'll walk you downstairs."
He really did. He followed closely behind the smaller one, watching his back as the other
telephoned someone using a different tone of voice. This brought him back to reality and
reminded him that he should not get his hopes too high.
What was he supposed to do? He could not go back to square one, because he had been in
love with him for too long.
"Gun has arrived."
"Nan."
"Hmm?"
"If you want to come back someday, that picture is yours." His hand tightened around the
small rusty key. He just wanted to entrust everything that was his to the person he loved hte
most.
"What is it?"
"The key to this house. Can you keep it? Please."
"Do you think I will have a chance to use it? As you wish. I can keep it, but if I lose it, you
can't take it on me. It's not that important."
"That's enough for me."
"Hmm... I'll go now, or I'll make Gun wait too long."
"Bye," Nueankin waved a hand. He watched him with different emotions leave the old
shabby house and get into the expensive car.
Why did he have to try to depress the people he loved?
Why did he go so far as to not let the other person meet a good person and have a future?
You are too selfish, Nueankin. Why didn't you die that day...?
Yet he was not dead, he was still alive and had returned to find the person he loved. In any
case, Mueangnan was supposed to be the last person a useless person like him should
come back to find.

Sunday.
Mueangnan was at the movie theater with his boyfriend, Gunthitat. He looked at the giant
screen in front of him, one hand was laced tightly in his boyfriend's.
Weeekends were the days when they often saw each other, because doctor That had to
devote himself to people and it was difficult for him to have much free time. He therefore
made the most of the time he had.
After the movie they still had a couple of hours. They walked holding hands to go to lunch at
a Japanese restaurant that Mueangnan liked.
"You cried earlier," said the doctor's low voice jokingly.
"What, I didn't cry. You are hallucinating."
"When the main character died. You did cry, and you even sobbed. You pretended to yawn,
though."
"I didn't! I'm not a whiner!"
"Really? You're not a whiner, huh?" Gunthitat reached out a hand to the smaller man's head
and affectionately ruffled his hair.
They had not been dating for long, because Mueangnan was a rather shy person, but when
he fell in love, Gunthitat thought it was worth it.
"You're mean, you're always teasing me."
"Because you're cute when I do. Look, I don't have group work yet, I'll stay over at a
friend's."
"Didn't someone say they finished it yesterday?"
"I have no idea."
The food was served along with the drinks. Silence began to envelop the hearts of both of
them. Nan did not feel uncomfortable when there was no conversation, but he felt strange
the moment Nueankin's sad smile flashed in his mind. And the key to the old wooden house
must have still been in his pocket.
"Nan," Gunthitat broke the silence.
"Yes?"
"Tonight..."
"..."
"Will you come over for dinner? I would like to introduce you to my family."

XXX

Nan was happy that That had taken him to meet his family.
But his family was not like what he expected.
"There is too much to eat.”
"Why are you complaining? Eat!"
"Hey... Put some on your mother’s dish too, don't just eat yourself."
"Little bit, Dad looks like a Chinese aunt."
The chatter at the dining table made Mueangnan smile as soon as he saw Gunthitat's large
family. It was a wealthy family. They all lived together like Thais of Chinese descent. It would
have taken hours to count the ancestors and relatives. Oddly enough, Gun had inherited
many Thai traits from his mother and had skin the color of honey, not fair like Chinese skin.
Still, he was happy. Everyone greeted him warmly.
He introduced himself, while his father acted as host.
"Oh, That. You said you were going to invite a friend for dinner but you haven't introduced
him to us yet," Gunthitat's mother said before starting to eat.
"This is Mueangnan," said Gun's low voice.
"Good evening. My name is Mueangnan, but you can call me Nan."
"You are cute. And are you friends with That?"
"Yes..." Helooked at his boyfriend as if asking for help. He dared not answer that question by
giving further information and let the other answer for him.
"He's a friend, Mom. If he were his boyfriend, you'd have a stroke," the little one of the house
interjected.
"Hmm... He's a friend." Finally, Gunthitat made an abrupt reversal and lied.
"He never told us he had such a cute friend, like a girl."
"Ahahah, do you like him, Mom?"
"Very much! Dad keeps complaining, though. That, you are about to graduate, don't spend
your time only with friends. Dad wants you to go see her, he wants a grandchild." It would
have been better if the conversation had not dragged on to add a boulder on her heart.
"Mom, I’m not thinking about these things yet," the boy retorted quickly.
He cared about not hurting the feelings of the person he loved the most. The truth was that
he had just found out that his family was trying to arrange a marriage for him, but he loved
Mueangnan too much to let him go, so he had chosen to face things together and hoped to
get through it.
"One moment, I have to think. Don't make that face. Oh, Nan, come on, eat. Don't mind that
grimace."
Muenagnan, however, could not swallow the food.
He couldn't because he was drowning in those words, so much so that he had to go out into
the garden to clear the matter up.
"Have you known for a long time?" asked his sweet voice, even though his eyes were
trembling.
"For a while. Ever since Father said he would take me to see her."
"So you rushed to introduce me to your family."
"Yeah."
"But in the end you said we were just friends."
"Can you wait? We can get through this together." He intertwined his fingers with the other's
smaller ones. The pale light from the lamps would not allow people inside the house to see
that inapproprite gesture.
"I'm fine. I love you, phi. And you said you would take care of me."
"Yes, I will."
"Can I ask you a question, though?"
"..."
"If your family makes you marry a woman, will you do it? I want the truth. Can you answer
me?" Silence fell again. Mueangnan felt uncomfortable in that silence as he stared at the
other as if waiting for an answer that was not what he expected.
"What do you say? Would you marry her?"
"I..."
"..."
"I should."
"...!!"
"Can you wait for me, Nan? When I give my parents a grandchild, I can leave her. I only wish
for you to wait for me. Our relationship can be the same as before. I love you, Nan, I don't
want to lose you.”
"It is not a question of waiting for you or not, Phi."
"..."
"The issue is that I should occupy a position I have hated all my life."
A mia noi-the word he had always used for Nueankin's mother.
The word he had hated most of all since he was born.
But something he was about to become himself.

[T/N A mia noi is the so-called minor wife, an “acceptable mistress”. A married man can
bring his mia noi and their children into the main house, together with his legal wife. Yes, it is
still a thing in Thailand.]

XXX

Mueangnan thought nervously. It was as if his life was rolling toward its most extreme limit.
He skipped class on Monday morning and wished he could disappear from the world, not
knowing anyone, not meeting anyone, staying on his own and not having to think about
anything.
He was a human being, and as such he was sick after thinking for a long time and for all the
problems that were going on nonstop. He was angry with the person he loved so much that
he did not want to see him, so he had decided to take the keys and use up all the fuel, until
he came to when he was in front of the familiar beige wooden house.
The gate was not locked. He opened it and entered familiarly. He hated Nueankin, this
commanded his heart, but he had no intention of going along with it. On the contrary, he kept
walking as soon as he saw the tall, sad-looking figure lying under the large tree in the garden
at the front of the house.
"Nuea..." Nan tried to control his voice to make it as normal as possible, although he was
trembling.
"Nan."
"Can I sit with you? I feel like the world is crumbling today." He did not wait for an answer
and let himself fall on the grass beside the other's strong body as he tried with all his might
not to cry.
Nueankin was surprised at the appearance of the smaller one.
And he wondered what had happened, but asked no questions.
"Do you think I should be angry?"
"..."
"I am angry with him."
The handsome face smiled. In the end, Mueangnan's coming had not been an act of love, it
was not his hatred going down. It was due to the fact that he no longer had anyone to rely
on.
Nuea had been good at deluding himself.
"I don't want to forgive him, because he is wrong. I'm right to act this way, right?"
"You did right, you're not in the wrong. He will understand that. He'll get over it when he
won’t see you. Sometimes we have to hold on and have no pity. Like flowers, who can
weather the storms. Act like a flower, beautiful and strong." He did not know what they had
been fighting about, but if Mueangnan was sad, Neuankin wanted him to go to him.
At least Nueankin had could tell that he was still important to Mueangnan on a day when he
was not feeling well.
"Have you ever felt very small? I have. The problems chasing each other are too big for
these shoulders. Sometimes I want to let them go, but it's like they're attached to a rope that
keeps them from moving away. What I can do now is to keep putting up with them until I can
solve them, even if the way to try to do that is tying them in an even bigger knot. There, I
don't know when the time will come when I will collapse."
His mouth had been talking incessantly; he just wanted to vent. He wanted someone to
listen to him, even if he didn't understand.
He hated Nuea, but in the end he had turned out to be the one he had relied on at the
moment he had felt weak.
"You'll know how to get through it."
"..."
"Tomorrow morning, tomorrow is another day. You have to continue on your way, with your
own legs," the older man said. He touched the other's small shoulder, although he felt he
was trembling.
"And when will I no longer be in pain?"
"..."
"I don't want to sleep, I'm afraid of having a nightmare. I'm afraid I can't bear it, but I hate
waking up and facing reality. Can I escape? Can I not wake up from a good dream? Why do
I feel sick all over? Tell me. Is there medicine for this? Because I really want it." He began to
cry as Nueankin's heart trembled.
Nan was crying.
He did not want Nan to cry.
It was too painful for him to see the tears of the person he loved.
"I envy the birds. I want to run far away, fly away, anywhere, as long as it's not here." He
continued to say with a trembling, hoarse voice. He didn't care if the other was listening to
him or not, he just wanted to say what he wanted.
After returning from Gunthit's house, his whole world had collapsed.
Where was love? Where was perfection?
In the end, it was worth nothing, like the truth he had just heard.
"You don't want to run away from everything, only from the things you want to forget," the
older man said.
"..."
"Have you read Roundfinger's book? It says flying does not make one free, but freedom is
flying when we want to fly and being able to stop when we want to stop."
The sweet tears tricken face rose to look at the other.
"..."
"You could fly freely, the day your heart is free from sadness. But I cannot stop. I'm tired, but
I have to keep going. I want to come back -- I want to come back to die, but in the end if one
day you are not happy, I will have to go to you."
I’m not sick, he told himself.
Nueankin was just deeply in love with Muangnan.
He should have spent his life seeing him and walking away, never being able to control him.
"I wish time slowed down so that I could prepare, do or think about the unresolved things I
carry in my heart. I’m thinking of a dream I want to share with you, smile at you, hold your
hand. But sometimes the reality is too bitter and I would like to dream for a long time,
because it helps me suffer less."
"..."
"I like to dream because it allows me to get closer to you. So if one day you will be sad, close
your eyes. If you have a nightmare, wake up. You'll feel good because it will have been just a
dream, but if it's a good dream, I want you to smile. Even if it is not the reality, at least you
will be happy about the dream."
Their gazes crossed. Tears lined Mueangnan's cheeks. A rough hand gently wiped them
away.
"Thank you."
It was the only thing Muangnan could say.
The two remained silent.
It was not an embarrassed silence, but it was full of warmth. The shade of the tree relaxed
them, as if the smaller one could escape from the agitated world with a person to whom he
could entrust his serenity.
He had done well to stop in front of the beige wooden house.
Even though it was the house of the person he had tried to hate all his life.

"Have you ever read the messages on Pantip?"

An hour later, Nan broke the silence again.
"What is Pantip?" Nuaa asked in curiosity. He had not completely removed himself from the
online world, but neither did he follow it assiduously. He had used the Internet very little
since returning to Thailand.
"It's a web board. There are posts, real experiences are shared. I want to write and vent
there, so someone can know my pain and I can read their opinion, even if they can't
understand me."
"Do you think that's okay?"
"..."
"Some things we should keep to ourselves. When suffering, I think it's best to tell only
someone we trust. It's our life, why should we tell someone we don't know and who doesn't
know us?"
"True."
"If one day you are sad, come to me. But if on that day I have broken wings and cannot
come back, then come to this house."
"Do you think I will come back here?"
"I think you will -- for sure." This was another certainty in Nuea's life.
A terrible life.
It had to happen sooner or later that Nan would come back.
"I'm feeling better now, I'm going home," Nan said.
"Already?"
"Yes... It's boring to talk to you, but I can't even say I want to stop."
A smile appeared on Nuea's face. Muangnan could not deny that it was the most beautiful
smile he had seen, but he would not compliment him.
"I'm glad you wanted to chat."
"I didn't mean to."
"Okay." The two got up and brushed the remnants of grass from their clothes, then walked to
the gate to front of the house.
"I would love to see the future. I'd like to see where I live, if you are there beside me,"
Nueankin insinuated.
"No one can know the future."
"You are right."
"Will I see you tomorrow?"
"Maybe."
"Hmm. Thank you for listening to my ravings."
"No problem. Nan..."
"..."
"Nothing, nothing. Just have a safe drive," the taller boy decided not to say anything. He
watched in silence as the other drove away until he disappeared from sight. All he was left
with was the smile and tears of the person he was still waiting for.
I love you.
I will wait for you here, even if you never come by, even if you choose a new path. I will still
wait, hoping that one day we will meet again like in a dream.
And even if I won't be here....
This house will wait -- forever for you to return.

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