17 Headlines

Writing Secrets
With rewrites of REAL brands’ websites!
Nobody:

Literally no one:

Me: Okay, let’s discuss how the sentiment of this headline impacts the
conversion rate and eventually the LTV of this cohort.


WHAT?!



I’m a copywriter! I can’t help it.

Today, I wanted to do some completely unsolicited edits of headlines on

famous websites.


My hope is that you’ll see some fun before-and-afters and quick tips to
improve your writing.

So the next time you approach a headline you'll feel better prepared to
craft something that converts.

(But honestly... these were just some edits I think desperately need to be done and wanted to share).

Tip 1. Remember, the eraser can be your best friend

This headline from Masterworks is so wordy that it sounds like the most
boring company on earth!

But what’s crazy is this company actually does something SUPER cool.

They allow people to “group buy” famous art. Meaning you can own a
fractional piece of famous art from people like Monet, Matisse, and even
Picasso.


How cool would you feel if you could say you own a portion of the most
famous artists on the planet?



But NONE of that is expressed in their headline.

They say things like, “Blue chip art?”



What is that?

I rewrote it to be much shorter and much more focused on the true
benefit: OWNING FAMOUS ARTIST’S WORK.

While I always encourage writers to write without the delete key, deletion
is KEY to editing. 


Remember, the eraser can be your best friend.

Tip 2. Don’t talk like a marketer. Talk like a person!

This headline from Fundrise (a real estate investment company) sounds

EXACTLY like a marketer would want it to: “Welcome to the future of real
estate investing.” 


ZzzzZzzzzZzzz!


Are you asleep yet?


In conversation, real people don’t talk about “the future of real estate.” 

What do real people say?


“DUDE! With Fundrise, you can own a piece a real estate for like $500.”

So your headline should say that!

It’s so hard for big companies to accept this simple fact.


But in my experience, the more you can make your copy sound like a REAL
person wrote it, the better it will perform.

Tip 3. Don’t talk AT your audience. Talk TO them.

This headline from Gumroad doesn’t talk to their target audience at all.

Instead, it talks AT them.

I don't know about you, but it actually almost makes me feel like I'm an
outsider and that I should support creators, not become one.
So it’s not very compelling to someone who's considering using it.

What the headline should do is speak TO the audience’s desires and entice
them to click.

So I rewrote it to be more focused on the benefits of earning a living from

the comfort of one tool.

And instead of “start selling,” I changed the button to be more focused on

discovery and curiosity of HOW they do it.

Generally, the more you can talk TO your customers and spark their
curiosity, the better your copy will do.
4. Simplify your marketing 'gobbly goop"... Oh and
actually BELIEVE in your product.

Yes, I just used "gobbly goop" as technical term to describe what

NOT to do.
But this headline from Attentive (an SMS tool) is so nauseating that
I can barely see straight so please forgive me.

I mean they put the words "most" "comprehensive" "message"

"marketing" and "solution" all in the same headline.

🤮
Honestly, I don't know if I could do that if I even tried!

It's like the BINGO of cliches.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, headlines should read like
your customers spoke them... not like an MBA in a suit wrote them.

There also wasn't a unique value proposition ANYWHERE in the

headline.

So I rewrote it to be WAY simpler and actually focus on a new,

unique mechanism for the problem businesses face: reaching their
customers.

Also!

I just couldn't get past the irony of them spending like half the
landing page trashing email and then having people opt in with an
email address!?
Are you kidding me?

If email sucks so much, why do you want it? LOL.

So I tweaked the form to be entering a phone number to test out

the software instead.

Honestly that would probably work better for B2B anyway.

Whenever you're writing headlines, don't use gobbly goop. Use

words your customers use.

5. Make It Clear You Can Solve Your Customers'

Problems.
There's only one thing worse than waking up to your cat puking a
hairball on your pillow...

... This headline from Greenies Cat Treats.

Well, maybe that's a bit extreme.

But recently my little kitty has been battling some pretty vicious
hairballs and we were looking for some treats to help her stop.

Greenies came HIGHLY recommended and was the top Google

search.

But when I landed on the site, I honestly had no idea what I was
looking at.
My initial thoughts were...

Is "SMARTBITES" some kind of strange treat technology they've

developed?

What does "Treating has a Higher Purpose" mean?

Also what's up with that title casing?

All in all, I was just confused!

So I simplified the whole thing to just be exactly what I was

searching for "Hairball Control Cat Treats."

And I think I clarified what they were trying to say in the

subheadline.

But it's possible nobody will ever know what that copywriter
meant by "higher purpose" LOL.

Whenever you're crafting headlines in Problem - Solution driven

markets, you should make it as clear as possible that you can solve
your customer's problem.

No clever wording. No strange technologies (especially with pet

snacks). Just write plainly and get out of the way of them buying.
6. Encourage Customers To Try Your Product With
Benefits They *Actually* Care About
This headline from SUDIO headphones looks kind of like a robot
went wild!

First you see "ETT SALE" - what's that?

Then they repeat the words "actively cancelling" as if that's some

sort of rhythmic phrase?

It's incredibly confusing, hard to read and leans on things that

aren't even real value props!

So I scoured their website for some TRULY differentiating factors

of the brand.

And I stumbled onto a crazy guarantee they have, which will

replace the product for 3 years if anything happens or you hate it.

It was a pretty cool feature ... that was BURIED down the site.

So I brought that to the forefront.

I think this is especially important because a big portion of their

customers will probably be making the switch from Apple AirPods
or some other bluetooth earbuds.

Whenever you have a strong guarantee in a market where

consumers need to switch to try your product, leverage that! You
need to mitigate the risk of switching and making the wrong
choice.
7. Curiosity > Convincing

This headline from Superhuman makes a bold claim, but doesn’t provide any
proof or reason to click. In fact, it sounds more like bragging than marketing.
So at glance, the reader's first reaction is going to be, “So what?” Or “Prove
it.”

In my experience, the best landing pages ENGAGE the reader as they move
through the page and address objections in real time.

With this page, I think it’s fine if they want to lead with a bold claim. But the
next line should immediately jump to curiosity.

That's why I tweaked the copy to say, “Want to see it for yourself? Enter your
email to experience it, for free."

This will give a big bump in curiosity which should help this page with opt ins
right away. Because it asks the reader to play along with the copy.

A rule I like to follow is don’t try to convince your readers. Have them
convince themselves. This is a textbook case of how to do that with a
question.

8. Don’t be afraid to trash alternatives in your headline

This headline from TikTok’s advertising page sounds so generic ANY ad
platform could say it.
In reality, we know exactly what they want to do: To steal a portion of big
advertisers’ budgets from Facebook!

So say that!

I rewrote it to say, "See why 523 advertisers per day are leaving Facebook for
TikTok."

Too strong? Maybe.

But when I write copy, I like to be able to edit down the tone instead of start
with something boring that anyone could say. Which is 100% where the
previous headline was.

9. Give your social proof some juice!

You’d think seeing that “895,072 sites” trust this tool would make it super
compelling.

But the way it’s presented, it’s almost easy to gloss over the number!

It would be far more powerful to give the word "sites" LIFE with faces or
screenshots of real people using the product.

Not only will you gain more trust with the second option, but it feels like a real
claim when you see those faces.

Generally, the more you can turn numbers into REAL visual things for people,
the better your copy will do. So dig for that proof when you can!
10. If you can imagine someone saying your headline aloud and then
promptly falling asleep, it's time to TURN THE ENERGY UP!
I don't know about you but when I see this headline boka toothbrushes, I
imagine the teacher from Ferris Bueller's Day Off lecturing me about oral
hygiene.

"Well, Bueller, Health Starts with Your Mouth, son. Make sure you --"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Sorry, I fell asleep on my keyboard.

If you can put me, the world's most caffeinated copywriter, to sleep, you've got
a problem.

But more than just being boring, this headline does zero justice to the product
or brand. They're actually quite a unique company! Their brush vibrates
30,000 times per minute, uses activated charcoal, is cheaper than quip, etc...

Yet NONE of that is conveyed in the headline. It's so broad and so, so, so
boring that anyone can say it.

So I rewrote the headline and sub-headline to bring the copy to life and shine
a light on some of those differentiating factors.

The lesson: Don't bury your best stuff. Make it the lead!

11. Deliver one message at a time ... or deliver none!

This headline from Focus @ Will is ALL over the place.

Below, I've documented what they're doing and what the average reader is
probably thinking when they land on this page.
First, you're being told about personalized "focus music" to help you get stuff
done when you're stressed and under pressure.

(Reader's thoughts: What is focus music? And how is it personalized? What if I'm not stressed?)

Then, you're being told about their mission and how they're running a 25%
off sale on all plans.

(Reader's thoughts: What plans are you even talking about?)

Then, they're shoving stock photos of what I guess is their target market in
your face.

(Reader's thoughts: These photos look fake and cheap...)

And finally, you're being asked to take a focus quiz for free?

(Reader's thoughts: WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON???!!)

It's too much. When you have a landing page, you need to optimize around
one goal, one message, and one action.

So I eliminated all the fluff from the headline and clarified the call to action
down to just taking the free quiz.

This clarity should give a massive bump in the page's conversion.

Remember, your eraser can be your best friend.

12. Use Words Your Audience Cares About (Not Ones You Care About)
Count the number of times you see the word "YouTube" in this ad!

It's like, "We get it YouTube! You made YouTube, YouTube Premium and
YouTube Music. Chill bro."
But seriously, there's so much wasted space in this headline that it almost
would be better to not exist.

I rewrote it to bring the benefits the audience wants (in their own words!) to
the forefront.

What do we want?

Say it with me: "AD FREE YOUTUBE!"

YES! So say that faster and in words your audience actually uses.

Whenever you write headlines, don't stuff them with vocabulary you use.

Stuff them with benefits your audience wants and you'll see a big jump in
response.
13. Uncover the real reason your customers are using
your product AND say it plainly.
It can be super intimidating to sit down and try to come up with copy
for a homepage.

"AH - I HAVE TO SAY THE PERFECT THING AND I ONLY HAVE A

SMALL AMOUNT OF SPACE TO DO IT !!"

We've all been there. But the last thing you want to do is spit out a
bland, lifeless and boring headline like this one from VideoAsk.

"Get Personal With Video"

What does that even mean?

I was even more confused when I read that subhead. I actually

thought, "Who would even use this!"

Then, what's crazy is after taking a look at the product, I was blown
away by what it can do. It allows you to seamlessly collect video on
your website from customers.

But why do businesses want this?

(It's always important to ask questions like this to get to the heart of what makes a product compelling).

So I scanned some of the testimonials on the site. And the

overwhelming number of their customers were using the tool to
collect video testimonials from their customers.

It makes perfect sense, too. You send them a link, they upload a
video on your site in seconds. Boom testimonial collected.
Which is pretty cool right?

Well...

That benefit wasn't anywhere on the site before. So I reworked the

headline to include the MAIN use case and benefit in their customers'
own words.

Anytime you have the chance to bring the biggest use case wrapped
in a benefit into your headlines, you should! It's way more compelling
to be specific than blanket benefits like VideoAsk had before.

14. Don't expect the tech alone to carry your

conversions.
This headline from X.ai is so bad.

It's like the team just said, "Yeah just mention it's AI and people will
do it."

Things this headline doesn't do:

- Tell me how the product works
- Explain any benefits of using it
- Make it sound cool (who wants scheduling AI?)

So I rewrote it to:
- Hint at how the product works (like an assistant but AI)
- Give an implied benefit (time saving from a personal assistant)
- Make it sound awesome! Who wouldn't want a personal scheduling
assistant powered by AI? (No? Just me?!)
The point is don't rely on your tech to do EVERYTHING for you.
Sometimes, a little copywriting can go a long way.

15. When you have MANY kinds of users, find a way to

speak to them each, DEEPLY
This headline from the screen recording tool, Droplr, was fascinating
to me.

As someone who uses and loves the product, I genuinely thought

I'd landed on the wrong page.

Because I would not describe it as a tool that helps me "get work

done faster."

For me, it's about effortlessly sharing screenshots and being able to
instantly share screen recordings with people anywhere.

So it does save me time, but that's not the primary way I categorize it
mentality.
But then I read some of the developments Droplr has made recently,
about the contracts they've signed with big companies and how
they're expanding to be an enterprise solution. And I realized what's
happened.

They started by targeting small businesses/solo operators like me

and then pivoted to the (boring) world of enterprise sales.

Which means they have VASTLY different customer bases.

One needs to be selling their higher ups on the tool by saying things
like "it helps our team get more work done faster."

The other is like me and just trying to find a reliable, easy to use
screen recording tool.

Take that to an enterprise sales call and you'll likely hear, "why would
our people need that? That can just use another video tool we're
already paying for."

In situations like this, you have two options:

1. Make the page more appealing to BOTH sets of customers by
switching to something like a free quiz that will allow you to follow up
with those different groups in different ways..

... Or

2. Just completely forget about the little guys like me and go all in on
the enterprise sales angle.
But there's no way that page today would have converted me back
when I originally signed up for it.

As a general rule, if you have vastly different audience segments for

your product, you should find a way to separate them and talk to
them each more deeply. I tried to accomplish this with a free quiz in
my rewrite, which will allow for way more targeted follow up too
(based on the info you collect in the quiz).

16. Remember to ask, "WHY do they want that?"

I'm a real stickler for using boring words in headlines.

So when I saw the words "customer service" and "platform," in this

headline from the Shopify app Richpanel, I immediately wanted to
scream.

Yes, technically they are a "platform."

And yes, they do help enable "customer service."

But I have a really hard time imagining that their target demographic
(Shopify store managers/Heads of marketing) wakes up and says,
"Oh man! I really wish we had a customer service platform to enable
our fast growing ecommerce team!"

(Well, actually some Shopify store managers are so nerdy that I can
imagine them saying that. But that's not the point!)
A better use of this space would be to ask: What end result does our
tool enable?

Is it ...

Happier customers?

Nearly instant responses to customer inquiries?

Less inbox headaches as you scale?

... Then say that!

I rewrote the headline to pull those benefits out of the

product/software into the lead.

I also took some liberties with the subhead to (1) dramatically

increase the impact of the social proof they hinted at further down the
page and (2) give you a compelling reason to sign up. Before it felt
like they were talking AT you.

Now, I think the headline feels like a service lots of Shopify stores use
and get real benefits from.

Anytime you can push your copy to get to the outcomes your
customers are truly after, it will generally improve performance.
17. Motion follows emotion

Sometimes, when I see a really bad headline, I like to imagine what it

was like for the person writing it.
And for this one from the online course tool, Maven, I conjured up an
image of an intern sitting at her desk with her boss breathing down
her neck... watching every keystroke!

With every letter she typed, the boss' face tightened.

The intern wrote something quirky and looked over her shoulder for a
reaction.

The boss' face tightened more.

She typed again.

The boss grew furious!

"WRITE SOMETHING GOOD!"

"NO! I QUIT I CAN'T DO THIS WITH YOU STANDING RIGHT BEHIND

ME!"

"Fine, get up and let me do it then."

The boss types, "Learning is better with cohorts."

"See? That wasn't so hard was it!?"

The intern nods and huffs off, clearly disagreeing.

*END SCENE*
I know, I'm weird for imagining this. But I honestly can't think of
another situation that would lead to a headline this boring and bland.

"Learning" and "cohorts" in the same sentence?!

BLEGH!

So I rewrote it to take the energy to a 10. Also notice how I positioned

the founding team as leaving the old and joining the new. Before the
cool founders were an afterthought.

Perhaps ... I even went too far?

But honestly, whenever you write copy, I like to remember the rule
that "motion follows emotion."

Meaning, your readers can feel the energy behind what you write.
And if it's upbeat, fresh and engaging, they're much more likely to do
what you ask them to do.

So I'd rather write something that's a little *too* energized and tone it
down than have to take something incredibly boring and triple the
energy.