Name: Pham Anh Thu

Student code: 17040060

Class: 17E3

Quang Nam’s essay

The line chart provides informations about total populations(in billions) of two
countries in Asia:India and China (1).
While the population of India experienced a dramatic increase,China’s only showed
steady but still witnessed a slight rise (2).
In 2000,the population of India was 1 billion (3).India’s population increased
significantly throughout the period (4).Experts predicted that India’s populations will
reach 1.6 billion in 2050 which will increase 600 million people from 2000 (5).
In the other hand, China’s population was prognosticated to be more stable (6).In
2000,the China’s population reached 1.25 billion (7). from that time to 2030, it’ll just
gradually increase to 1.45 billion (8). And then, from 2030 to 2050 ,it experienced a
downtrend to 1.4 billion (9).

Marking rubric:

Indicators Judgment Evidence Band

Task Task Attempts to address - Summarizes the 4.66
Achievement requirement the task but does not information (paragraph
(4.5) cover all key 1+2)
features/bullet - Reports the main features
points. but not adequate.
(Paragraph 3 + 4)
- Word count: 120 words
=>underlength
- Do not make any
comparison between 2
countries.

Overview Presents an - Includes the trend of all

(5) overview with the factors and indicates
information the most popular ones
appropriately (paragraph 2)
selected - Make comparison
between 2 years in India
(paragraph 3)
- Make comparison
between different periods
 of time in China
(paragraph 4)

Key points Presents, but - Report the data of the

(4.5) inadequately population in India only in
cover key features the initial year and the last
year. (paragraph 3)
- Report the data of the
population in China
(paragraph 4)
- Do not mention the detail
which is that the
population of both
countries will be equal in
2030.

Coherence Cohesive Use some basic While (sentence 2) 4.33

& devices cohesive devices, But (sentence 2)
Cohesion (4) but they may be In the other had (not
inaccurate. correct) (sentence 7)
And then (sentence 9)
Organization Presents information - 1st paragraph:
(4.5) with some Introduction
organisation but - 2nd paragraph: the
there may be a lack overall trend of both
of countries.
overall progression - 3rd paragraph: The trend
of India’s population.
- 4th paragraph: The
specific trend of China’s
population with illustration
and figures.
⇒ Lack of consistency of
methods of analysis and
comparison
Paragraphing Repetitive because Population (6 times)
(4.5) of lack of
referencing

Lexical Topical Uses a limited range Line chart (1), increase (2, 4.66
Resource vocabulary of vocabulary 3, 5, 8), rise (2), reach (5,
(5) 7), downtrend (9), stable
(6), gradually (9),
experience (9)
 Lexical Uses only common People (5), population (1,
items vocabulary 2, 3, 4, 6, 7), experience (2,
(4.5) 9), increase (2, 4, 5, 9),...
Errors Make some errors in showed steady (2)
(5) word formation just (8)
word choice.

Grammatical Sentence Attempts complex - 6 simple sentences (3, 4, 4.75

range & structure sentences but these 6, 7, 8, 9)
Accuracy (5) tend to be less - 3 complex sentences (1,
accurate than simple 2, 5)
sentences - Experts predicted that
India’s populations will
reach 1.6 billion in 2050,
which will increase by 600
million people from 2000
(5).
Errors - Punctuation errors
- And then (9)
(4.5) are made - Experts predicted that
India’s populations will
reach 1.6 billion in 2050,
- Many grammatical which will increase 600
mistakes are made million people from 2000
- Verb tense:will reach,
will increase (5),
experienced (9),
- Single/plural nouns:
informations (1),
populations (5)
- Articles: total (1), the
China’s (7)
- Passive/ Active voice:
In the other hand, China’s
population was
prognosticated to be more
stable (6)

Overall 4.6 ～
4.5

Feedback
Dear Quang Nam,
At first, I appreciate your trying in this challenging task.
In this task, you seem to know the organization of task 1. You generally stated the
main trends of 2 countries. Your essay includes the overview, the details which were
selected appropriately. You attempted to use some linking words to meet the
coherence and cohesion criteria. Besides, you tried to use synonyms to avoid
repetition in your response, for example: show, witness, experience. Moreover, I see
some compound and complex sentences in your answer. It's very good.
However, there are some points which you should focus on in order to improve in the
next essay:
+ Firstly, do not forget to meet all the task’s requirements. Your essay was
shorter than the requirements, moreover, you do not report adequately the main
features (e.g: do not report the peak of China's population). In addition, your
answer was lack of comparison. You should not just list the data, you should
make relevant comparisons between 2 countries.  
+ Secondly, your essay was well-organized, but there was a lack of overall
progress. When you reported about India, you reported solely figures in the
initial year and the last year. Whereas, in terms of China's population your
report in more detail with specific illustration and number. Next time, I suggest
you should prepare an outline in order to make your essay clear, and ensure
you report all the main features. 
+ Thirdly, your essay seems to lack coherence and cohesion which makes your
essay difficult to understand and follow. In the overview sentence, you should
use some useful language to help readers know that you are writing about the
overview. Some useful phrases which you can use are that: overall, it is evident
that, it can be seen that,......
+ + Fortly, in terms of lexical resources, your essay used a limited vocabulary
range. You repeated the keyword “population” 6 times. Next time, you should
search for the synonym of the keyword on the Internet before writing the essay.
You should go to therasus.com to look up some synonyms. However,
remember to double-check in order to make sure that you do not make word
choice mistakes. Please note that you can change the form of the keyword in
some cases. 
+ + Lastly, regarding grammar, you should focus on article, preposition,
punctuation, and verb tenses when writing. You should review this knowledge
at home regularly, besides, read your essay carefully and check your
grammatical mistakes before submitting it. You can register the website
grammarly.com to check your grammatical mistakes. 
+ In this version, I gave you 4.5. I hope that you will have a better version next
time. 
+ With your determination, I think that you can improve your essay and gain a
higher score. 
If you have any questions and need any help, do not hesitate to contact me via email,
mobile phone or you can meet me in the teacher room during break time. Good luck to
you!