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How Boundaries Are Developed 61

“the way he should go” means “the way we, the parents think he
(or she) should go.” Can you see the boundary conflicts already
beginning?
The verse actually means “the way God has planned for him
(or her) to go.” In other words, good parenting isn’t emotionally
bludgeoning the child into some clone or ideal of the perfect
child. It’s being a partner in helping young ones discover what
God intended for them to be and helping them reach that goal.
The Bible teaches that we pass through life in stages. John
writes to “little children,” “young men,” and “fathers.” Each
group has distinct tasks to perform (1 John 2:12–13 KJV).
Boundaries also develop in specific, distinct phases that
you can perceive. In fact, by noting infants and children in
their early parental interactions, child development profes-
sionals have able to record the specific phases of boundary
development.1

Bonding: The Foundation of Boundary Building

Wendy couldn’t understand it. Something wasn’t jelling. All
those codependency books. All those assertiveness tapes. All
that self-talk about being more confrontive. And yet, every time
she talked to her mother on the phone, all the advice, all the
self-help techniques melted away into vague, cloudy memories.
A typical conversation about Wendy’s children would always
conclude with her mom’s analysis of Wendy’s imperfect parent-
ing style. “I’ve been a mother longer than you,” Mom would say.
“Just do it my way.”
Wendy resented her advice. It wasn’t that she wasn’t open
to guidance—Lord knows she could use it. It was just that her
mom thought her way was the only way. Wendy wanted a new
relationship with her mom. She wanted to be honest about her
mom’s control, her polite put-downs, and her inflexibility.
Wendy wanted an adult-to-adult friendship with her mom.
But the words wouldn’t pass her lips. She’d write letters
explaining her feelings. She’d rehearse before telephoning. Yet,