ROSIE THE HIPPO

Eric Johns

Here are a few poems and a story

from Rosie the Hippo.

Rosie the Hippo

Rosie the hippo ate six meals a day

but her stomach never felt full
so in-between times she ate what she found
like lost trolleys, squashed balls, cotton wool.

Rosie the hippo was always hungry

there was nothing she could do about that
and one day between meals ate a bush of rosehips
since she desperately needed a snack.

Rosie the hippo woke up the next day

to find she was covered in spots
her friends gathered round to have a good look
they'd never seen a hippo with dots.
 2

What shall I do? Little Rosie cried,

they weren't there when I went to sleep.
Send for the doctor, her friends advised,
and let him take a quick peep.

The doctor was sent for and wisely advised,

It's best to get spots out of sight,
if you can't see them, you'll forget that they're there
and then you will feel quite all right.

Rosie's friends led her down to the pond

which was always gloopy with mud,
they covered her over from head to tail
and asked if that made her feel good.

I feel better already, Rosie declared,

I shall sunbathe to get the mud dry,
that doctor, I'll say, knows all about spots
he's a really remarkable guy.

Rosie was proud of her mud overcoat

she found it a really snug fit
she never felt prickles or scratches or jabs
and didn't notice when mosquitoes bit.
 3

One morning Rosie woke early

and was very surprised to see
that her coat had turned into a garden –
I've got roses growing all over me!

Rosie decided the best thing to do

was to find out what everyone thought
she'd ask her friends if roses looked good
and say, thank you, just as she'd been taught.

I like your new coat, a friend of hers said,

where can I get one like that?
I grew it myself, Rosie said,
with a little help from that cool doctor chap.

Rosie the hippo now looked like her name,

And her coat was a fashionable hit,
All I need now, Rosie smiled to herself,
Is a hat to complete my outfit.

I wonder, she said, as she thought back a few weeks,

if I should have eaten that bush of rosehips,
but a hippo gets peckish and eats what's to hand
when one's starving one eats even the pips!
 4

How Nigel learned to be Good

Nigel was a naughty child

he used to drive his mother wild
his favourite cry was Bish! Bam! Bosh!
He'd jump in puddles and yell Splosh!
He liked to soak poor passers-by
and madly shout, Mud in your eye!
People complained to Nigel's mother
she said she'd swap him for another
they said he should be in a zoo
his mother said she thought so too.
One day she got in such a rage
she cried, You should be in a cage,
she dragged him to the local zoo
said, I've no idea what to do!
The keeper put Nigel with the chimps
he said that chimps enjoyed high jinks.
Nigel said, Hi, Chimpy-wimpies!
I'm the boss, 'cos you're just monkeys.
The chimps looked Nigel up and down
asked each other, Who's this clown?
They hung poor Nigel upside down
from a treetop-high trapeze,
You'd better learn, the boss chimp said,
that chimpanzees are not monkeys,
until you've got that in your head
 5

you'll sleep up there not in your bed

and when you've learned to be polite
we'll get you down, till then, Goodnight.
Nigel hung there upside down
sobbed to himself, I'm not a clown.
He ate bananas every day
and wondered how to get away.
I must do something, Nigel said,
the blood is rushing to my head.
At last he saw his only hope
was to admit he'd been a dope,
he said, Now I see I must be good
behave myself just as I should.
The chimps sent Nigel home to mother
they said, Don't give her any bother.
Nigel became a perfect child,
behaved himself all meek and mild
and never drove his mother wild
he no longer shouted Bish! Bam! Bosh!
Or jumped in puddles and went Splosh!
The only thing that made her frown
was that he ate bananas hanging upside down!
 6

Ermyntrude the Elephant

Jacko was a circus boy. His parents had sold him to the Circus
Trainer because they did not have enough money to feed him.
"I don't want to leave home," Jacko had said.
"It's your own fault," his mother told him. "You
shouldn't eat so much."
Jacko was lonely at first when he joined the circus but
he soon became friends with Ermyntrude the elephant. She had
been taken away from her family in India and sold to the circus
in far away England when she was still quite small. Now she
was a huge elephant.
"Your job," the Circus Trainer told Jacko, "is to wash
Ermyntrude with a hose pipe and a broom and to shovel up her
poos. Put them in bags and sell them to people with allotments.
Elephant poo makes rhubarb grow a treat."
Even though Ermyntrude was now a very big elephant
she was frightened of the Circus Trainer. He was a big fat man
and had a whip which went Crack! when he flicked it.
"You don't need to frighten Ermyntrude," Jacko told
the trainer. "She is very good."
"You have to show an elephant who's boss," the Circus
Trainer said and cracked his whip. Crack!
The circus travelled from town to town and people
came to the big tent to watch Ermyntrude perform tricks.
The Circus Trainer cracked his whip and Ermyntrude
galloped into the circus ring. She kicked up clouds of sawdust
 7

which Jacko had sprinkled round the ring so that she wouldn't
slip if the ground was muddy.
The Circus Trainer announced to the people: "This is
the greatest elephant acrobat in the world!"
The people clapped wildly.
The Circus Trainer cracked his whip and Ermyntrude
lifted up one front leg. The people clapped again. The Circus
Trainer cracked his whip and Ermyntrude lifted up both front
legs. The people clapped even more wildly. The Circus Trainer
cracked his whip one more time. Ermyntrude lifted up both
front legs and one back one and stood on one leg. The people
clapped so enthusiastically that some of them fell off their
chairs.
The Circus Trainer bowed as though he was the one
who had done the tricks.
Ermyntrude did the same tricks at every town the circus
came to, and Jacko shovelled up her poos and sold it to people
who had rhubarb on their allotments.
One day the Circus Trainer said to Ermyntrude: "At the
next town you are going to do a new trick. It will be the
greatest elephant trick ever performed."
"What is it?" Jacko asked.
"Ermyntrude is going to lift all her legs off the ground
at the same time," the Circus Trainer told them.
"How can she do that?" Jacko asked. "She can't fly."
"She will balance on her trunk with her legs up in the
air," the Circus Trainer said. "I shall become famous as the
greatest elephant trainer in the world."
 8

"But her trunk's not strong enough," Jacko said. "She

will fall on her head."
"She will do what I tell her," the Circus Trainer said
and cracked his whip. Crack!
At the next town Jacko put extra sawdust in the circus
ring so that if Ermyntrude fell over she would have something
soft to land on.
When all the people were in the big tent, the Circus
Trainer cracked his whip. Crack! The people all stopped
talking and paid attention.
"Ermyntrude the elephant," the Circus Trainer
announced, "will now perform the greatest elephant trick ever.
She will stand on her trunk and hold all her legs up in the air."
The people clapped wildly.
Jacko could see that Ermyntrude was worried. "It's all
right," he called out to her. "I've put extra sawdust in the ring
so you won't hurt yourself."
The Circus Trainer cracked his whip. Crack!
Ermyntrude leaned forward and put her trunk on the sawdust.
Crack! went the whip again. She leaned further forward and
lifted her back legs off the ground. Crack! went the whip
again. She leaned even further forward and began to lift her
front legs off the ground.
That was when her trunk bent and rolled up like a hose
pipe.
Jacko exclaimed, "Oh, no! Poor Ermyntrude."
The huge elephant fell forward. Her forehead went
bump on the sawdust. Then her back went bump. Then her
 9

bottom went bump. Then her two back legs went bump. Then
her front legs went bump.
Then Ermyntrude exclaimed. "I'm standing up! How
did that happen?"
"You've turned a somersault," Jacko cried.
All the people clapped madly. They agreed they had
never seen a trick like that before.
"I'm all right," Ermyntrude said in surprise.
Jacko looked round. "Where's the Circus Trainer?" he
asked Ermyntrude.
Then he saw a whip sticking out of the thick pile of
sawdust in the circus ring.
"Quick!" Jacko cried to Ermyntrude. "You've
somersaulted over the Circus Trainer. He's buried in the
sawdust."
"Oh, no!" Ermyntrude cried. "He'll be cross with me.
He'll crack his whip."
Jacko and Ermyntrude dug the Circus Trainer out of the
sawdust. He was no longer a big fat man. In fact he was as thin
as a piece of toast which was not surprising. Anyone who had
been rolled over by a huge elephant would be flat.
"That's it," the Circus Trainer said. "I've had enough of
elephants. I do my best to make Ermyntrude the most famous
elephant in the world and what thanks do I get? I get
flattened."
"Ermyntrude didn't mean to flatten you," Jacko said.
"I'm leaving the circus," the Circus Trainer announced.
"You can have my whip and my caravan. I shall go and live at
 10

the seaside."
And that is exactly what the Circus Trainer did. He
went to live in an old folks' home at the seaside town of
Swanage where there were very few elephants.
"Well," Jacko said to Ermyntrude. "What are we going
to do? We need to earn some money to buy you buns and
apples and cabbages, and I need pizzas and baked beans and
ice creams."
"I don't want to do tricks anymore," Ermyntrude said.
"And I don't want the whip to go Crack!"
"I'll never make it do that," Jacko promised.
Jacko thought hard. "I've got an idea," he said
suddenly. He explained it to Ermyntrude.
"Good idea," Ermyntrude agreed. "Let's go."
They set off along the road. Ermyntrude pulled Jacko's
caravan. The caravan should really have been pulled by a horse
but Jacko only had an elephant.
"This is very easy work for an elephant," Ermyntrude
said happily. "Much better than doing tricks."
When Jacko and Ermyntrude came to a town they
stopped in the market square. Ermyntrude raised her trunk in
the air and gave a tremendous trumpet call. All the
townspeople came rushing out of their houses to see what the
noise was about.
Jacko stood up on the step of his caravan.
"This is Ermyntrude," he announced, "the only
somersaulting elephant in the world. For the very small price
of fifty pence and a currant bun you can take a selfie with her.
 11

You can also buy bags of elephant poo for the rhubarb on your
allotments."
The people queued up to take selfies. Jacko collected
the 50p's and Ermyntrude ate the currant buns. She took them
very gently with her trunk, put them in her mouth and then
wrapped her trunk round the people while they took their
selfies. Sometimes she gave Jacko one of the buns but not
often because it took a lot of buns to fill up her huge tummy.
Jacko and Ermyntrude travelled from town to town.
They were very happy. And the next spring all the towns they
had visited had the best crop of rhubarb ever.

The End

Riddle

I have horns
like a cow

I am white
like a polar bear

I fly silently
like an owl

Who am I?
 12

The Mouse and the Grandfather Clock

Hickory dickory dock

The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
Bong!
The mouse ran down
Hickory dickory dock.

What's the matter with you?

the clock said to the mouse.
I said Hallo and you ran away
please come back to my house.
You frightened me when you went
Bong!
the mouse said to the clock,
so I ran away which is what mice do
when they have a nasty shock.
Well now I see where things went wrong,
the clock said to the mouse.
When I say
Bong!
the clock explained,
I mean how do you do?
Well bless my soul,
The mouse exclaimed,
that's a thing I never knew.
 13

Now wait a tick,

the old clock said,
since you didn't understand,
let's try again and see if things
this time will go as planned.
Good idea, the mouse agreed,
please start the rhyme again.
Here we go then, said the clock,
on your marks, get ready, set.
Just watch me go, the little mouse cried
and ran straight up the clock.
The clock said
Bong!
How do you do?
And the mouse laughed with delight.
Last time that you went Bong! said she,
you gave me quite a fright,
but now I know it's a how-d'you-do
everything is quite all right,
and may I ask you in return
if by Bong! you mean to say
that you are feeling tickety-boo
and all's fine with you today?
Thank you for asking, said the clock,
I can see you will make a good friend,
it's what I hoped for from the start
so all's tickety-boo in the end.
Bong!
 14

[After that the mouse and the grandfather clock were friends
and the mouse lived in the clock and tickled its tummy which
made the clock go Bong! Bong! Bong! and the mouse replied
Bong! in a very small and squeaky mouse voice.]

Portrait

Dear Mimi,

Thank you for the brilliant sketch

I must say you're good at drawing
your picture is a work of art
not a bit of it is boring
I especially like the elephant nose
and the toothy crocodile smile
plus the bristling ogrish whiskers
all crowned by a punk hair style
I felt sure I knew the face
but whose it was I couldn't say
until I glanced into the mirror
and found I saw it every day!

Thank you!
 15

Lockdown

I'm locked down like a tortoise

who sleeps the winter through
I'm in my house a-hibernating
it's the safest thing to do
because somewhere hereabouts
I don't know exactly where
there's a virus out to get me
so I'm taking extra care
I'll tell you what I've done
to keep the virus well away
I've sealed up all my windows
so it won't get in that way
and I've nailed up all the doors
to put myself in isolation
and with my freezer stuffed with pizza
it's a stay-at-home vacation
I've a periscope up my chimney
because the enemy's hard to spot
it rides on other people
and it jumps about a lot
its name's Corona Virus
and Corona means a crown
it got its name because of spikey bits
like the points upon a crown
 16

and if it gets inside you

the spikey bits will make you ill
so I'm a-hibernating in my house
as safe as in a castle on a hill
and patiently I'm a-waiting
for springtime to set me free
because by then the vaccine jab
that the nurse so bravely gave to me
will beat the Corona Virus
and out my house I'll come a-leaping
like a bouncy springtime lamb
and we'll have a massive dancing party
with sandwiches of spam
and we'll eat piles of cakes and ices
and without a mask I'll see you smile
and we'll forget about the crisis
and say who cares about a virus -
until
the
next
one
comes
a-creeping
up
on
us!
Oh, no!