Dear Diary, I feel awfully stupid!

I have been trying to avoid confronting my feelings, but my

heart feels heavier than usual, and I feel the need to vent to someone or you in this case. I read
somewhere this week that “ to see my face does not necessarily mean to see me. To understand
my thoughts is to have seen me.”I have wondered my whole life who really saw me. Did anyone
ever come across Diadji? When I say Diadji I mean the real one, not the one hiding her true self
behind fake smiles. I highly doubt that anyone made it past the stupid jokes she makes. Most of
the earth population only dreams of being understood; I like to believe that even serial killers
would somehow appreciate less judgements and more comprehension from the public. Feeling
understood feels good basically. On a more personal plan, you know that I yet still have to feel
understood. I had stopped writing my feelings in September 2020 because I was starting to feel
understood, fast forward to 2022 I feel more lost than ever. I did not expect that choosing New
York over Paris was going to affect my life so much. My sweet computer (Diary) I know you
wonder “what is she going to complain about today too?😩” but indeed you know it is the same
matters (love, feeling abandoned, lost in the ocean of my feelings) as usual. Shall we start?! My
Dear Diary I hate Almamy from the deepest part of my heart!! You do know that I hate being
used or taken for granted or even treated as stupid right? So, tell me please if I give off hoe or
bitch vibes? I tried my best to tell him what I wanted and how he made me feel but he made me
look like “the” desperate ex in front of his hoes. He smacked a girl in Paris, gave her hickey and
asked her for a blowjob. You know what hurts the most my dear diary? It is the fact that he does
not even care the slightest about me. While I was craving his presence so much, my dear lover
was on another continent spending quality time with other girls 👍🏽. He called me the day I found
out and he acted so chill, texted me the next day but I was trying to avoid him, and now we do
not even talk. Does he think I will forever be there to entertain him? Am I the one who called
multiple times to go to Philadelphia? I might be the one who initiated the first hug, but I did not
force him to hug me back, I did not force him to tell me how much he still loved me, I did not
force him to kiss me all the time we spent together, and I also did not ask him for a friendship
nor a relationship. The true question now is why Almamy is treating me like shit, or even why do
I feel like he is taking my presence for granted. My heart hurts dear diary, and I just want to
climb under my bedsheets and stay there forever. I asked for a sign God gave me my signs but
why does it still hurt so much. I begged Allah to help me escape from the love I had for him, but
it only got worse; I love him the same way an African politician loves money ( I know lame joke
but seriously I am crying right now so I am trying to make myself laugh). Tears keep falling
down but I do not feel any better. Why can’t I have the cute relationship Amsetou had with
Kass? I never focused on boys, spent my time reading and reaching out for knowledge thinking
that eventually the right one will come by during my quest for savoir. How the hell did I end up
in such a shitty and complicated love story. Cardi B once said “I gave you more than I gave
myself. I was so loyal to you that I ended up betraying myself.” And let me tell you Cardi got me
all in my feelings with that sentence. I do not think I should reach out to him; every time we talk
I feel at the top of the world, but it eventually breaks my heart more than it should. I mean why
can’t I tell him to go fuck himself like I do with all the other boys? What is it that I so love about
this bitch? I hardly see anything, but I am still stuck loving him like the dumbass I am. I know
everybody is tired of hearing me constantly talking about him, but I am sorry I just do not feel
like any of them really gets my frustration and my pain. They hardly get why I love him so what
am I expecting from them. On a brighter note I have decided to become selfish dear diary!
Meaning that I will not put anybody before me ever again. I want to be loved, respected,
admired, treated like the amazing person I am starting to believe I am, and first of all I want that
relationship to be genuine. I have helped Diadji feel so much better those past months; she rarely
thinks about drowning anymore, she barely imagines the knife cutting through her veins, and that
fills my heart with joy. Maybe one day she will eventually feel happy, understood, and genuinely
loved by someone. I do not know what to do with Almamy, but I trust God and I really do not
feel like talking to him ever again, I hate him even tough he does not have the slightest idea
about how I feel because Mr. Coulibaly does not have the time to care for me. Eventually who
knows maybe sooner or later I will be free from him.