HOW TO SPOT A HETEROSEXUAL

Written by

Matthew Blum
 ii.

A parody of a grainy, 1950s B/W United States Propaganda Film

IT SHOULD BE SHOT AS SUCH

INT. OFFICE - DAY

GEORGE HUGHES, a clean-cut, All-American boy dressed in a

suit and smoking a cigarette, stands in front of a desk. His
back is towards us.

He turns around and faces the camera.

GEORGE
Good Evening. My name is George
Hughes, and over the next few
minutes, in conjunction with the
House Committee on Un-American
Activities, I will be sharing with
you God-fearing Americans out there
some extremely important
information that's necessary in
order to preserve our pure,
Patriotic way of life. You see, our
population has been infiltrated by
a threat that, as recently as
several weeks ago, had yet to be
foreseen by our top men in
Washington. A threat that has the
possibility to put the safety of
your family and the economic
prosperity of millions of Americans
at risk. I'm talking of course
about the heterosexual. Due to
their ability to blend in to look
like you or me, here are some tips
for spotting the most convincing of
heterosexuals before they can
inflict any lasting damage.

A graphic: HOW TO SPOT A HETEROSEXUAL

Horror music punctuates the title.

INT. GYM - DAY

THE HETEROSEXUAL, dressed in gym clothes, pumps iron

surrounded by other men.

GEORGE (V.O.)
The average heterosexual will
delegate a substantial amount of
time towards maintaining some form
of physical fitness. We call these
individuals "gym rats".

The Heterosexual starts talking to the other men. Flexing in

front of them in the process.
 2.

GEORGE (V.O.)
Not looking to the women that they
are pursuing for validation but,
instead, other heterosexual men.

The other men look at him, impressed.

GEORGE (V.O.)
This is the most convincing of
disguises.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A group of guys sit on the couch in front of the TV. It's

glare shines on their faces.

GEORGE (V.O.)
If you spot a group of men as they
watch the films of Quentin
Tarantino sit idly by as the white
people on screen hurl racial slurs
and Quentin himself exploits his
female actors they may be
heterosexual.

Their eyes are glued to the screen. Some nod their heads in
approval.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

The Heterosexual scrolls through Tinder.

GEORGE (V.O.)
On popular relationships
applications such as Tinder and
Hinge, the heterosexual will waste
no time getting to the point of
their conquests. Often inquiring
about the prospective female's
genital secretion abilities.

Close on the phone. He types out: "does it squirt?".

CUT TO:
 3.

INT. SHOWER - DAY

A WOMAN looks through soap that's on the counter.

GEORGE (V.O.)
While making your way through the
Heterosexual's shower, the presence
of a 2, maybe even 3-in-1 body wash
is possible. If so, pay no mind to
further distractions that might
turn your attention away from the
current matter at hand. You are
dealing with a heterosexual.

CUT TO:

THE SCREEN SPLIT INTO FOUR QUADRANTS FOR THE FOUR EXAMPLES

GEORGE (V.O.)
If whoever that you're suspicious
of exhibits all these
characteristics, there's no need to
look into the matter any further.
You are dealing with a
heterosexual.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Back to George in his office.

GEORGE (V.O.)
I know what you must be thinking.
How can we stop these
heterosexuals, George? When will it
get to the point when our kids are
being taught by these people in the
schools and at church? I'm here,
along with the watchful eye of the
United States government that only
wants you to be the best person
that you can possibly be, to tell
you that, with the help of prayer,
what I have told you in this film,
and good-old American intolerance,
you can stop these people from
infesting our pure-blooded American
way of life.
(MORE)
 4.
GEORGE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
So please, if you suspect someone
you know, your neighbor, your
milkman, your paperboy, or life
partner to be a heterosexual,
please don't be hesitant. Call the
number on the bottom of the screen.

A graphic: 844-872-4681

GEORGE (V.O.)
A secretary will be on the other
line to take down your information.
Don't be afraid to tell her all of
the details, no matter how
incriminating they may be.
Together, we can stop this
infestation before these people can
teach their heterosexuality to our
children. Can you imagine a place
where our Hollywood stars such as
Tab Hunter and Rock Hudson were
heterosexual? I know I can't. Thank
you, and God Bless America.

FADE TO BLACK.