I was deeply hurt.

I think I turned numb and cold.

I am scarred and wounded by the people that I thought would never hurt
me. My family, that guy, including myself, they all broke my heart. I
was in pain because I loved them, but do I really deserve those shits?
I even ended up hurting myself.
I am scared, and afraid that if I choose to love again, I would end up
in that situation. And so, I lost faith in love. I just started to
believe that love comes with pain. Because of it, I decided to live
without love. I mean, why would I even want to love and be loved if I
end up hurting and crying?
I had a lot of breakdowns throughout my healing stage. I felt so lost
and I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Sometimes, I just wanted to
disappear and come back when I feel like it. I want to disappear where
everybody wouldn’t even notice that I was gone. And that was the time
when I found out that even though I thought I was healing, I wasn’t.
Or maybe I was? I don’t know. I found out that I was a mess. A big
hell of a mess.
As time goes by, I picked myself up. I told myself to be bolder and
try to heal for real. I had this thought that when God gives me the
man that I deserve, I also want to be the woman he deserves. I wanted
to heal and be the best version of myself when that man comes into my
life. I don’t want to that person to be hurt and traumatized like I
was. I prayed to Him to help me get back up so that I can ready myself
when the man for me comes. And at those point, whenever there’s
someone who wants to enter my door, I would always push them away.
Kasi, aside from I’m not ready to enter any new relationships, I can’t
deny the fact that I’m still scared na if I try and welcome them, they
would end up leaving because of my ugly past, and traits.
So, I kept my doors closed. And locked.
Not until, he found me…