BDSM is an umbrella term for the practices, activities, skills, orientations and identities of its

practitioners. The acronym is itself made up of three term-sets – bondage and discipline,
domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. It often comes as a surprise to
those new to kink that Canberra has a substantial, diverse and busy fetish scene. Our
overarching Canberra group has over 1,200 members and we have multiple events –
including munches, workshops, skill shares, private and public parties – every month. We
have a huge range of roles all represented within the local community, many with their own
specific sub-groups and events.
And the one thing that brings together this community of very, very diverse individuals is
consent. Consent is the one thing that unifies all kinksters. “afe, “a e a d Co se sual
““C , ‘isk A are Co se sual Ki k ‘ACK , a d Perso al ‘espo si ilit i Co se sual Ki k
(PRICK) are mantras that you will hear time and time again in the community. This is
because consent is what sets mutually enjoyable adult activities and behaviours apart from
abuse and assault.

The activities that we engage in as BDSM practitioners often require a level of vulnerability
that is not present in other situations. Explicit consent negotiations allow all individuals
involved in a play scene to be mutually responsible. It creates a shared and ongoing dialogue
that requires input from each individual to be involved – which is one of the reasons 50
Shades is problematic for the community.

Our intricate and often seemingly over the top discussions of consent ensure that our limits
a d our prefere es are k o to those e re pla i g ith. These conversations, which are
so often missing from vanilla sexual encounters and from media portrayals of BDSM, are the
foundation that allows safe opportunities for sexual self-expression to occur.
Further, these conversations ensure that all parties are in a mutually understood
psychological mindset before play begins about the type of play to occur, the limits of the
play to occur and the way to end the play or the safeword. A safeword refers to a word or
gesture that the bottom uses to indicate that play needs to cease immediately. Given that
r i g No! or “top! a e part of a utuall e jo a le, ell egotiated a d o pletel
o se sual s e e, a safe ord is ge erall a ord that a t e o fused ith mock protests.
For example, my safeword is )o ies! .
Safewords are not always personal to an individual. For example, at most events around the
world utilise the traffic light system. Green indicates all is well and a wish to keep going,
orange or amber indicates some sort of distress or a desire to change position or the specific
toy or tactic being used. Generally, a bottom calling orange will result in the scene being
paused for a quick check in before deciding to either continue with something different or
ceasing the scene. And, finally, red. Red means stop. To continue after a bottom has called
red is perhaps the greatest faux pas a Top can make and would likely see other event
attendees forcibly interceding.

There is, however, no standard or formulaic way in which consent is negotiated by BDSM
practitioners. Each negotiation is unique to the individuals as well as the specific context in
which the play is going to occur. Even negotiations between individuals who have played
before are likely to be different each time they occur depending on the mindset of each
perso , here a d he the re pla i g a d the t pe of a ti ities the are a out to e gage
in. The uniqueness of these negotiations allows each individual to make clear their goal,
definition or ideal outcome for that play; whether that goal is to achieve a deeper
connection with their play partner, to achieve a level of heighted self-awareness or
introspection or to push their own boundaries and have the living shit beaten out of them.

My research last year looked specifically at these pre-scene negotiations. And what I found
was that while the conversations are all unique, there are distinct but not discrete phases
that each conversation moves through before completion. These phases are [Style], [Body],
[Limits] and [Safewords]. The [Style] phase encompasses the discussion of the type of play
to be done, what toys will be used and what sensations will be created for the bottom. In
over half of the negotiations gathered, specific mention of the type of play to be embarked
on is made in the first utterances of the conversation. Affirming the type of play ensures a
mutual understanding is created between the participants before embarking on the
specificities of their negotiations.
The [Body] phase pertains to the interaction that the Top will have with the otto s od .
Namely where on the body the play is to be performed, the position of the body, whether,
to hat e te t a d i hat apa it the Top is allo ed to tou h the otto s od as ell
as any bodily safety issues such as pre-existing injuries or bodily limitations that might
impact the play in some way. The focus on bodily safety highlights the importance of the
mantras I mentioned earlier – kinksters are keenly always keenly aware and demonstrating
that consensuality and safety is what draws the distinct line between kink and assault.
[Limits], strangely enough, covers the limits or boundaries for the scene. Limits can relate to
a number of different issues – touching, penetration, toys, words that cannot be used,
whether the skin can be broken. These limits are personal to each individual and were seen
to be as likely broached by the Top as by the bottom.
Finally, the [Safewords] phase. As I mentioned earlier, the traffic light system is the most
commonly used. Though gestures or other body language can also be used where the
bottom may be restrained or otherwise incapable of speech. Arguably, the most important
aspect of negotiating safewords is creating a dialogue that reinforces no fault thinking. That
is, that a bottom is not to withhold using their safeword if they need to for whatever reason
and that a Top is not to feel like a failure if the bottom uses said safeword. While all of the
recordings gathered negotiated the use of safewords, there are those within the community
that argue the use of safewords is, in fact, increasing the danger of our activities, because it
places most, if not all, of the responsibility with the bottom and leads to Tops paying less
attention to non-verbal cues of distress or discomfort.

It s the a se e of these e plicit negotiations that has fuelled some of the backlash from the
BDSM community in the wake of the publication of the 50 Shades trilogy and the recent
movie release. Ki k ei g isreprese ted i the edia is t e s to a o e. The o er
with the attention that BDSM is receiving from the 50 Shades franchise stems from the fact
that it is very difficult to understand something from a representation, let alone a
misrepresentation. However, what the attention has done is create a dialogue about kink
and consent where previously, outside of the o u it , there as t o e. The pro le
ith 50 “hades is that is does t e plore a ea i gful, o se sual BD“M pra ti e. What
Christian Grey demands of Anastasia is blanket consent. As a newbie she is not in the
position to be able to give her i for ed o se t as he e pe ts her to. “he does t
understand the importance of the negotiations that are supposed to take place. Nor does
she understand that she should be able to clearly articulate her boundaries and limits to
Christian or that she is absolutely able to revoke her consent at any time. Instead, the
contract that he presents her with is a list of his preferences and his boundaries and his
limits from which she is supposed to pick and choose.
This is not a dialogue where mutual understanding can be created. This is not safe, sane and
consensual kink or risk aware consensual kink. This is not responsible, consensual, dialogic
kink. There are multiple ways in which Christian could have introduced Ana to kink. But
these methods would have required self-knowledge, communication and trust – things that
are in short order in both the trilogy and the movie. Ana does not demonstrate the kind of
enthusiastic informed consent that is integral to consensual kink. She acquiesces to
Christia s de a ds e ause she feels she a t speak her i d for fear of his te per or of
losing the relationship. And as so many kinksters have said – that is t ki k, that s a use.
Enthusiastic consent is not the absence of a no. Enthusiastic consent, particularly in a BDSM
context, is ongoing, mutually created and understood and explicit.

The problem, I believe, stems from a lack of discourse on consent culture. People do t
want to read pages and pages of mature, nuanced communicating about limits and
boundaries and prefere es a d i terests, e ause e are t taught that talki g a out
consent and negotiating our activities with our partners can be almost as erotic as the act
itself. Without communication kink – as it is portrayed in 50 Shades – is ot ki k. It s
violence.

Consent should not just be part of your kinky fuckery in the dungeon or the bedroom.
Consent culture, the kind of explicit negotiations and dialogue creation that occurs in the
kink community, empowers everyone to make decisions suited to their individual context.
Hopefull so e of hat I e talked a out ight help ou to e plo a it of o se t ulture
in your own lives. Because asking someone if you can specifically do something to them will
empower them and you, make them feel super respected, make you feel awesome when
they enthusiastically say yes. A d ou ll fi d that it s reall , really hot too.

[Bibliography (including blog posts helpful to the creation of these notes) available on
request]