70 FUNNY DAD JOKES

1. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

2. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
3. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a shark? Frostbite.
4. Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
5. I'm reading a book on anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down.
6. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
7. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
8. I'm reading a book on the history of glue, I just can't seem to put it down.
9. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy.
10. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
11. Why did the belt go to jail? It held up a pair of pants.
12. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
13. Why did the math book look so sad? Because it had too many problems.
14. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
15. I'm reading a book on teleportation, it has its ups and downs.
16. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
17. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
18. Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
19. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
20. What's brown and sticky? A stick.
21. I'm reading a book on the history of clocks, it's about time.
22. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
23. I don't trust people who do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.
24. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
25. I'm reading a book on the history of glue, it's really sticking with me.
26. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
27. I'm reading a book on the history of the calendar, it's about days.
28. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
29. I'm reading a book on the history of mirrors, it's really reflecting.
30. Why did the strawberry cry? Because it was in a jam.
31. I used to have a job as a professional cricket player, but I just couldn't get a leg up.
32. What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybee.
33. I'm reading a book on the history of cement, it's really concrete.
34. What do you call a bear with no socks on? Barefoot.
35. Why don't ants get sick? They have tiny ant-bodies.
36. I'm reading a book on the history of the dictionary, it's alphabetical.
37. Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
38. What do you call a cow that plays an instrument? A moosician.
39. I'm reading a book on the history of stairs, it's a step by step process.
40. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus.
41. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
42. I'm reading a book on the history of elevators, it's an up and down experience.
43. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic.
44. I'm reading a book on the history of paper, it's tear-jerking.
45. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
46. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
47. What do you call a monkey in a suit? A business-chimp.
48. I'm reading a book on the history of bicycles, it's two-tired.
49. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
50. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
51. I'm reading a book on the history of tea, it's my cup of tea.
52. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
53. What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil serpent.
54. I'm reading a book on the history of maps, it's full of directions.
55. Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk.
56. What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.
57. I'm reading a book on the history of fire, it's lit.
58. Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
59. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
60. I'm reading a book on the history of magnets, it's attractive.
61. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
62. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
63. I'm reading a book on the history of chairs, it's a sit down read.
64. Why don't eggs tell jokes? Because they'd crack each other up.
65. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"
66. I'm reading a book on the history of the circus, it's a big top read.
67. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
68. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
69. I'm reading a book on the history of trees, it's a branching topic.