RNA (Real Niggas & Audrey)

Written by gwen Jones

1. EXT. CENTRAL COLLEGE IOWA - DUSK

AUDREY, nineteen, short, blonde, and a fucking lunatic, is with

her friend KEELY, tall, twenty-one, brown hair, and normal
compared to Audrey. Are hanging out in a parking lot next to an
educational building. Audrey's imaginary friend VIPER, Audrey's
purple yes man and just as crazy as her, is running about.

AUDREY
Dude, I’m like so bored.

KEELY
Girl, I feel you.

AUDREY
You don’t know anyone who’s throwing a party right
now? It’s Friday

KEELY
Unfortunately, I do not.

AUDREY
Fuck. I wanna do something crazy

VIPER
YES! CRAZY!! FRIDAY NIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

KEELY
You always wanna do something crazy

AUDREY
Yeah but like, this time, let's go fucking crazy

Viper gets on his knees and starts shaking violently to match

Audrey's energy.

Keeley then catches onto what Audrey is hinting towards

KEELY
Is today the day we finally do it?
 AUDREY
Yes ma'am! I'm primed and ready

VIPER
PRIMED AND READY!!

KEELY
The only problem, I have no idea where to get some

AUDREY
Fuck!

VIPER
OUR DREAMS HAVE BEEN RUINED ONCE AGAIN!

Viper is pounding the ground with his fist giving an almost

Shakespeare-like performance.

Keeley then looks around the surrounding area. She then sees
someone that she recognizes. CALVIN, a short and weird homeless
POC who lives in a dumpster, is laying down on his back on the
basketball court.

KEELY
You see that guy over there?

Audrey and Viper both look at Calvin.

KEELY
I think Todd knows that guy.

AUDREY
How are things with you and Todd by the way?

KEELY
We're not really on speaking terms right now.

AUDREY
Aw, that sucks!

KEELY
These things happen.

AUDREY
What kind of things?

KEELY
 I don't know. We've been dating for like 3 years now.
But I feel like we're drifting apart. We've been
spending less time together and we've been
communicating less and less too.

Audrey gives Keeley a good hug.

KEELY
I don't know if it's me or him but it's just not
looking good right now.

AUDREY
I'm so sorry. You don't deserve that at all

KEELY
Thank you.

AUDREY
You think this guy can get us what we need?

KEELY
Potentially. Let's go ask.

Keeley, Audrey, and Viper go and talk to Calvin on the

basketball court. Calvin is relaxing on the pavement, eyes
closed. He opens his eyes when he hears the footsteps of Keeley
and Audrey.

CALVIN
Sup.

KEELY
You know Todd right?

CALVIN
Probably.

Viper claps his hands and rubs them.

VIPER
That's good enough for me!

AUDREY
Do you know where to find acid?

Calvin thinks for a second.

 CALVIN
Yeah.

KEELY
Can you get some for us?

Viper is nervous as he waits for Calvin's response. Calvin gets

up.

CALVIN
Ok.

KEELY
Really? Just like that?

CALVIN
It's not my business to ask questions

AUDREY
Well then. Shall we go?

Audrey, Keeley, Viper, and Calvin go find Keeley's car to go

find some acid.

2. EXT. GAS STATION - EVENING

Keeley parked her car outside of the convenience store which is

connected to a gas station. Keeley, Audrey, and Viper are
sitting on Keeley's car waiting for Calvin who went inside the
gas station.

KEELY
Something feels off about this.

VIPER
She's backing out!

AUDREY
Are you saying you don't wanna do this?

VIPER
Oh god! have we peer pressured her into a dangerous
situation!!! AHH WE'RE GONNA DIE!!

KEELY
 No, I'm not saying that at all.

Viper and Audrey breathe a breath of relief.

KEELY
I'm saying that this guy just agreed to buy us acid
without even batting an eye at our request. He didn't
even ask us for money.

AUDREY
That is a bit strange when you put it like that.

Calvin comes out of the gas station with the acid in his hands.

KEELY
Hey, this is legit stuff right?

CALVIN
Yep.

AUDREY
I'm excited.

Calvin opens his palm and reveals the tabs the trio will be
taking.

AUDREY
Oh, they're big.

KEELY
This isn't gonna harm us or anything right?

CALVIN
So long as you don't do this often.

VIPER
SHUT UP AND MICRODOSE ALREADY!

Keeley grabs her tab and immediately pops it. Audrey follows
suit as well as Calvin. They then quickly pile into the car and
head back to campus.

3. EXT. CENTRAL COLLEGE IOWA - EVENING

The campus is eerily quiet. The street lights provide dim light
to the campus. Keeley, Audrey and Calvin are chilling in the
same parking lot as before waiting for it to kick in. Viper is
pacing back and forth.

VIPER
WHEN IS THIS SHIT GONNA KICK IN!!!

AUDREY
Yeah, when is it gonna kick in?

CALVIN
I don't know.

KEELY
Have you ever done this before?

CALVIN
I've done a lot of things, but this is a new
experience.

AUDREY
What do you mean you've done a lot of things?

Calvin starts to feel it and then notices Viper standing next to

Audrey.

CALVIN
Hey, when did the purple guy get here?

VIPER
Is...Is he talking about me?

CALVIN
Yeah. When did you get here?

AUDREY
Wait, you can see Viper.

Keeley then starts to feel it too.

KEELY
Oh shit it's happening.

Keeley feels weak and goes into the car. She lies down in the
back seat. She then starts to see a poorly drawn vulture. She's
confused. It then starts singing to her a Gavin Degraw song.
Keeley becomes paralyzed with fear.
Calvin, Audrey, and Viper's surroundings then turn black and
white.

CALVIN
That's new.

AUDREY
what the fuck is happening?!

Suddenly, a lamp with a detective hat appears in front of them.

AUDREY
Oh, oh my god.

DETECTIVE LAMP
Greetings citizens. I do believe I'm in need of some
help with a case.

VIPER
WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR VOICE SO DEEP?!

Audrey begins panicking. She looks over to Calvin who is unfazed

by what's happening in front of them.

AUDREY
Why are you so okay with this?!

CALVIN
It's kind of cool when you think about it. He's gonna
shine some light on the crime.

Calvin begins laughing like an idiot. Audrey falls onto her

knees and begins crying. Viper is running around the lamp

DETECTIVE LAMP
Are you finished? I working on a serious case and I
need assistance

CALVIN
I don't know if we're bright enough to help you out
sir.

VIPER
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

DETECTIVE LAMP
Follow me please.
The Lamp teleports further from the group. Calvin begins
following the lamp.

AUDREY
Wait! What about Keeley?

Audrey runs over to Keeley who is still laying down in the back
of the car stunned.

AUDREY
Keeley are you okay?

KEELY
Wow. These birds are really good at singing

The poorly drawn vultures are singing about throwing hands with
people. Audrey reluctantly follows Calvin so he doesn't get
hurt. Viper follows as well.

The lamp leads Calvin, Audrey, and Viper to a bench.

AUDREY
What the hell is this case anyway?

DETECTIVE LAMP
The case of my missing papers. One of you look under
the bench to see if there.

Calvin looks at Audrey and shrugs. He looks underneath the bench

and finds a paper that says brace yourself.

CALVIN
Brace yourself?

Calvin looks up to find the lamp is gone.

AUDREY
Where'd the lamp go?

VIPER
Forget the lamp! What does brace yourself mean!!

Calvin and Audrey then feel off.

AUDREY
What's happening?
Audrey looks to Calvin who is not there anymore. She looks to
her other side and Viper is gone too. The world then turns a
bright red. Screams start to crescendo in the background. Audrey
begins to really freak out and falls onto her knees with her
hands over her ears.

4. INT. KEELEY’S CAR - MORNING

Audrey wakes up in the passenger seat of Keeley's car. She licks

her mouth, finding that she is really dehydrated. She quickly
looks behind her to find that Keeley is still passed out in the
back. She sighs a breath of relief. She gets out of the car to
get some fresh air. Viper walks up to her

AUDREY
Where did you go last night?

VIPER
I saw this cat. And that's all I’m gonna say.

Audrey doesn't question it.

AUDREY
Where'd that other guy go?

VIPER
I have no idea. but last night was crazy though

AUDREY
Yeah. We're never doing that again.

VIPER
Yeah we're never doing that again

Keeley awakes from her slumber and gets out of the car. She
walks up to Audrey and puts her head on Audrey's shoulder

AUDREY
Good morning.

KEELY
Last night was awesome.

AUDREY
Glad you enjoyed it.
 KEELY
Did you not?

AUDREY
I'll tell you about it over some food?

KEELY
Sure. Let's go to the Olive.

Keeley and Audrey get back into the car and drive out of the
parking lot.