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    Men Who Beat The Men Who Love Them

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    Juan Camilo Monsalve
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    Men Who Beat The Men Who Love Them

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    Juan Camilo Monsalve

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    Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence David Island, PhD Patrick Letelier, MA J. Routledge 1 dedicat this book ‘o my sons ‘Timothy Joel Itand ‘Tobin Chistopher Island wo nonviolent men whose love and aceptanee serve a an example for childeen of gay fathers everywhere SSS Dt yay at ti an si oo ‘in os ae laren lr aa pa ‘ee ome oie ee 1 dedicate this bok ‘Rina Mess re, ton WCU Eg {othe memory of my mother ‘Aaa tees Rah Soe Sy WS, 8 Asa ‘Margo Hert tlie “Then pba 012 Rade ‘whose laughter and smiles will always warm my Heart eae ont Toned vascieep rt ane ay to the memory of my grandmother ‘Tits feo Suet Pace (hare Hober Haskell, Rett 07 ‘nginx OMI whose Tove hewn bounds neyo ogre Cate Pann Dl to Sharon Siverstsin on who was always there lsat Ab ef 2 Fy th Se ot CONTENTS Acknowledgments Foreword Lenore E, Walter, EAD, APP Tom 1. Bhodus, MA Is This Violence? ‘The Carrots Ineldent How Many Gay Men Are Vietins of Domestic Violence? Why Is I'So Hard to Find Out How Many Gay Men ‘Ave Butred by The Mates? Best Estimates Myths and Misconceptions Is This Violence? Violence 1s This Raped in San Diego ‘Chapter I: Why Does I Happen More Than Once? ‘Banered on New Year's Eve ‘The Gay Community Allows 110 Happen What Is Theory? bs oe ‘The Twelve Untying npes Base Theory: Why Docs I appen More Than Once? (Chapter II: Who Are the Batterers? Please Don't Kill Me! [Battres Are Unclear onthe Concept of Masculii Who Are the Baterers? How Do Batirers Develop? ‘The Mental Disorders of Batering Current Psyehodiagnostic Categories ‘The Progressive Disorder of Battering: Diagnosis, Not Aceusation xi BEREB. woe avenue & ‘Treatment Programs {A Final Word on Accountability ‘Chapter IV: Who Are the Vitims? Like Fist ‘Vitims Ave Unclear on the Concept of Responsibility ‘Who Are the Vitis? How Are Vitims Created? Why Do They Stay? What About Lesbians? fay Male Viens ‘The Vietim Theory ‘Chapter V: How Do You Get Ou The Escape How Do You Gat Ou? Going Back with she Police Chapter Vi: How Do You Stay Out? Chased Down Castro Street How Do You Stay Out? ‘Your Life Wihout Abuse Can You Tel if He Isa Baterer Before You Become Viti? And Sill He Pursues Me Chapter Vil: How Do You Help a Friend? Sarah "Helps Out" How Friends and Relatives Can Be Supportive How Do You Help a Friend? Basie Tips for te Lay Helper Safe Hone Guidelines ‘Special Advice for Lay Helpers in Daly Contact, vith Ex-Vietins (Chapter Vill: Therapists and Intervention Programs The Letter Never Sent How ‘Therapy Can Help Gay Mate Vietins aL 86 5 oD oL 93 9 101 108 ns a Wz 19 ry Ma 16 156 158 166 169 169 m ma ir) 199 99 200 A Therapist Actually Asks Me 1 Help Stephen! “The Treatment Mod Availablity of Therapy ‘Availablity of Commnity Support Services ‘Availablity of Safe Houses and Lay Helpers “Availability of Law Enforcement and Justice System Servis ‘Action Chapter 1 “Violence The Neighbors Cal the Potice ‘The Unusual Psychology of Domestic Violence LLe’s Get Clear onthe Concept of Provocstion The Vietn’s Paradox ‘What Have My Lover Ares? Alcohol and Drugs [AIDS Is No Excise Gender Domest Violence Is Not Codependency Separate Psychologies En Poe ‘The Unusual Paychology of Domestlc Chapter X: How to Stop the Violence Mutual Friends ‘The Prevention of Domestic Violence The Prevention Model Part One: Legislative Response ‘The Prevention Model Part Two: Private and Public ‘action A Final Word References ‘Appendix Index 209 22 213 29 2s 26 236 239 239 2s mT 250 253 255 258 260 2a 262 266, 261 2m 2a 207 290 as ABOUT THE AUTHORS David Island, PhD, is Senior Constant at Tvial Behavior Con sulting, Incorporated, a professional business in San Francseo that offers focal Science consulting and research services total la yess and law firms, He is also the principal in David Island and communications consulting fm in San Francisco of- fering mediation services to gay men. A former professor on the radiate faculty at the University of Washington in Seattle and fa Uy member al Califonia State Universi in Sacramenfo, he has also been a junior high and high school teacher and counselor, fn recent years has served as President and Board Member of the ‘Ameria Society of Tval Consultan, been a member af he Rose- vile: Gon Commnty spl Bor a ti nblator and taner forthe American Abit tue Been a tainer of mediation skills for California Lawyers forthe An Dai co-opted wi Pac Lelie any orn ‘on gay mate bartering st numerous conferences, cuding the 1990 Seco National Conference ofthe National Lesbian and Gay Law ‘Assoiaton and the 1991 annual conference ofthe National Organ ain of Vin Assan, le cae actve i te Nana Lesbian and Gay Health Foundation in Washinglon, DC, having served to coorditate and organize inetitites, presentations, and pe ‘ary sessions on gay and lesbian domestic violence atthe NLGHE ‘Annal Conferences of 1989, 1990, and 1991 Patrick Letelier, MA, recently competed his Master's Degree in ‘Counseling atthe Univesity of San Francisco forme vctn of violent pares, Pack has spent the past thice years researching fad working inthe domestic violence field. He has worked at the San Francisco Family Violence Project, proving counseling and advocacy to battered women, and voluntered atthe Community United: Against Violence in San Francis, He has collaborted ‘with David Island on numerous published ates presenta Seminars, and speeches onthe subject of gay mens dome tence: He and David sland ate coors ofthe Nationa Lesh anu Gay Domestic Viens: Network Newser, the ennai Puteton vig the movement ay a ein dna Solenee, Pacts papers on gay mens domestic vilene have teen pected ate 1989, 1980, and 1991 Nana Leshan ahd Gay Bean Foundation Anal Cnfrenecs. Acknowledgments ‘We woul ike to thank Sharon Slvesein, who was the coord nator al the Gay Men's Domestic Violence Projet at Community United Agsins Violence in San Francisco, in 1987. Sharon was at fnvaluale soars of suppot and information to Pack aad pro ed lo of Kleenex You were emendoxsly hep, Shaton, This bok would nat xs wit yo. We a also guattlo Jesse Gute, PhD, and Pilip Sige wal, MSW. These vo skilled therapist provided countess hous ‘emotional supp o Paik (an other veins) drug nv Aland group supp for bated gy men, Jesse an Flip were ‘ville at al hous ofthe day an ght ad were instrament Patrick's rnsiton away from his violent lover and nto safety and security. We cll he high Pip earrange bs ving oom fi nue for Paik, who oeeded tak ts aad tea ‘window You abo aed tends al collages Tht You. ‘We woul sso ike to thank the si ter men in Paik vt group. Tet love, understanding, suppor, andr tae ite ena then, Tha to all of yo ‘We cannot tank Rick Colas enough fr hi esl expertise, Rick hasbeen Patil’ atorey ao fend ince the beginning an never ake fora pen. Rick, you te, energy and Brainpower [neal realy appciatcd, You wilingiess fo gat nvaved nd our bls port made al he rene Task you very Susi Manta meaty Became pl of stength and suport 1 Patiek’s worples, You me wonderful tsa the huge the back stsiwel were Iie savers. We areas’ gre fo Tom Slats, Pate’ boss who lok Pack seul) and helped 10 mate work safe plas Tor hi, Thank you to Mario, Ke Jet, And everyone cise The Fresh Markt for your spon a eco agement A speci thnk you to Loe Toy who hasbeen ong ww ay uo Bear Te MeN WHO LOVE THEE and suppoive find thoughout Packs eine fom violence fn tug te wing hs Book. A, spel hak you fo ‘itera Sy ro become 8 major source of emcouragement nas been tf fn fo. Tha, git “We are rtf wo Nello Cri oss home Deca Pack’ se home! Thank you, Neo ewig aaah eomfrable pice olive fr Sous fearon bot domes vlenee, Intra eg ee Thankyou Lydall Nips, washer oh being. yal Sve shat Fase ta aout te vec he i Oe {eh escpe and fe has eon ase end ver see. ‘Than yu tr ing tre (a tn rary revs spt, 0) hen sexed tht everyone else hal gone a3) eter Hangers dessa think yor anda gs round of ap- plate Po as bis fat ek nd housemate of David Ile h sted the bok. He prepared countess gonet diners foro an he nter complied when the enveraton neva tuned date vente He alio hs not seemed o mind tat thereon a ts bok took oer he Home oa found fer {hr ecco: Instnd, arm hut ik rp, sd eroon- Sharer ipioing sound the apermen were Hs tne pois Sankyo Pr! We lve you. "Tors Hols was a cet lp in he carly sages of wring, ‘ome hs cit ee, and beled Yo mae mh move oni puteny the aration: We are geal for Fahl ae nae is rank the Katrine Hep ofthe domes ven chy ky dp tg ope tong stance cna you hasbeen, You no-nonsense toon blr and to the we wt of neste Wlence Eines npc u We me grt for your geneonty ih Sur itn work allowing we fart apy By meh You e‘anadnied sn espe leader inthe ovens, Pipl ‘Tak you for yor lp al encouragement ohn De Cocco, cr cetin er for Te Haworth Pes nd 2 protessor a sn Franco Se Univers, way a pease fo ‘Sth, Jin pie our work and apie Row oat Inthe Hwon ay an ean series a 500m se a i Some Devi Mand and Paik Letelier » say that geting a book published is painful and fasting, John, you helped eliminate almost all ofthe negative from the process, Thank you very much. Jack Huberman, our copy editor, was thorough and detailed Thanks ois work, our wating was improved. To al ofthe people at The Haworth Press, especially Bll Cohen for his encouragement {and good humor, we thank you. “To the National Lesbian and Gay Health Foundation in Washi ton, D.C., we ove a big debt. This organization, particularly the efforts of Een Ratner, Michael Weeks and Bill Scot in 1989 and 1990, provided the fledging Gay and Lesbian Domestic Violence ‘Movement with a forum fom whch we have reached out across the entre nation to find fends and colleagues. AS a resll, 4 large network of concerned people now exists, and they provide the n tional leadership for ending domestic violence ta gay Americ ‘Thank you NLGHE. ‘Thank yout all the people athe Family Violence Project of San Francisco who taught Patrick about the eximinal justice system a8 t applies to domeste violence. Rosalind Nall, Jacqueline Agivca, Maria Ramos, Lish Swanson, Susin Beall, and Donna Lee, thank You al for your time, patience, and insirution, Your hard work the movement to stop domestic violence is pealy appreciated, A speci thinks to Ree, who hs een a grea sipeM sor an ol magi. ‘San Franciscan Rik Isense, author of Love Between Men, re viowed a later version ofthe manusript and offered detailed and insightful erieism of i, as well as encouragement. Rik, you sil se the results of you painstaking work inthis book. “To Mark King in San Francisco, and Dawn and Marya the Paper lip in Tahoe Cty, we thank you for your complain-ree tats ‘ions of our often vineadable rough dats into typed copy. Linda Allen is a literary agent in San Francisco who, while not ‘our agent, took us under er wing anyway to offer assistance and rivice whenever we needed it. You supported tis peojeety Linda, and you made us fel important and competent. We did it Thank you. Jerry Leverton, attorney, caterer, and frend assisted us at several Points long the way, paticulaly in working out our agreements ai Mew iio wea Te MeN WHO LOVE THEA with each other and in contract negotiations wih ou pblsher. You were big ep ery. Thank you. Davis sony Ti and Toby Ilan, were always supportive and encouraging ging 0 eary on with the project. When We de ‘ted odour um werd processing, Toby became a major consi tant fo the prodcton, Late-night cri clls were handed With is al calm ben the bombs went of in out compu ‘We would also ike o tank John Line, who simply “ex- pected stoic ota ine manus, He was 2 checieader and Ete without peer, aba ther wt encouragement and emhsl- fam, And, to Sean Hoag, Wendel, Divi, Stacey and Brace the Sex Ranch Weskend boys, we tak yo Tor your feedback onthe mane. "All ofthe folks t David's business, Tal Behavior Consling, Incorporated, in San Francisco, encouraged ou efors, We used ‘ype, copy machine, postage meter, and Fel Ex ae count on any ocetsons, Thank you TBCT. Jon Sheridan thank ou Tor your independently contac ime with sto word process ine caret version of he Doo, those tapes ofthe aa ‘are Sartor, Paik’ sister has been encited and enthusiastic about tis poet fora ong time, Teank you, Clr, for you ove Seu soppo expeily over the pas earth een eat toshare tis pect with you Soh nd ak ely an Jong lind wera he mos supporive trends inagible. Tanks 10 you for your openness, Toryour cst under ay mes domes wnencey and fot those wild dinners! Mox Kincor, Pi Sioa, Nate Meeker, and Mike Metieoe were wonderful sourees of suppor and fn. Thanks {oeach of you, Aso, thank yu to Dr. Marjorie Maile Fells for being good at what you do ‘We ave trl snd prod that Lenore B. Walks, the word's foremoaauboiy on heterosexual bain, ander colleague ‘Tom 1 Rhods, wot the foreword to our book, endorsing Out Primary purposts. Dr. Walker throsgh her advocacy for abosed Somer inher tne tporat books and by dally expe in het Iie workin thie beals has taught us mich of wht we know about domestic violence Het commitment 1 stop domestic violence fan {nspialion oll women and men who ave oped by i presence aud anand Panic eel i in ou eulture. Tom Rhodus recognized the significance of our mes- sige to gay men, an, over a peuod of ime spanning many montis and two versions of our manusript, chested the foreword proj fet and then co-wrote with Lenore Walker. Tom and Lenore, we prize your contribution to our book, and we thank you! David island, PhD Patrick Letter, MA Foreword Te exo of dame vdenc inthe eerosexa comms sity shokd the seas of he petal pawl spots Sona who wre ter ind odes wit he sin sd poe tata’ Now you wl nn aot aoe ype oom valence he ater of men emai fy smn Uke thwe We womans Veen who wad ee pesON eS fof att bok he devas Deval so Pak tte shre aon sos Rea Pate parte a Ne town ase expences i cing You ey cid ado fended by the personal accounts of violence, and you might want to ok fo, Doo Vileaen ny elton pls ono teste an poisons ws Men yk aot og etn for vty fem whch the Fear at ty wl be feo eer Bt, Patrick and David st pt fh evi and eng sou prov het tess Thre ser bok like hse in he Sesto Gace irr, shalnges too at enc, Tce arian De ele tha sen an gs ang ces Screg ie domenie lees td sel sri of pve an eat ey alone in heterosexual homes where power difeenoes between men and ‘women faced te sex rae soctliation pattern tha they model i {heir own eelationships, Stores about violence are ugly, Those of us who work inthe field and ear them daily must dal with our own feelings of out rage. Its no suprising that most rental health professionals ae liicomforable with aking about violence, Most reuse to belive ‘what they hear, Thore are barers to serves for abuse victims {hroughout he system. Pavick and David point out ha here are no a Sons acer tat « MeN WHO BEAT THE sw WHO Love THEM services or sheers for gay men who ate battered. Police must be trained to tke gay batering seriously. Just as when women first Aemanded validation for thei pan and trauma, aw enforcement rst lean to see mae violence against one anther as more than two men wrestling, scaling, of playing sound. "Codependency, ihe label given to parners in a dysfunetional re lationship wo cannot seem fo terminate with each other has noth ing to contribute to the Held of domestic violence. Labeling the tse vietim as codependent continues to lame the vitim for ‘own abuse, even if he is seen as trying to contol the violence, Patrick pots ou the futility ofthe batlered person trying to contol the baterer’s behavior withthe example ofthe "Carols cient,” involving himself and Stephen. Like other atack from Stephen, this one eame unprovoked. Patrick stayed tether with Stephen for all the many reasons bated persons slay wih an abusive partner, tht particulary since he realized that leaving does ot slop the aduses Staying is oping stategy; it does aot make him code pen- den. ‘Domestic violence is wrong, itis criminal and it must stop. “Models for stopping the violence come fom the battered woman's ‘movement and ean be aplied in the pay community, Cleary, iwi be up tothe gay community to inform others: the mental health professional, lawyers, advocates, and concerned eizens. As the {iy eommuniy Took on the challenge of AIDS, so must i ake on linother one, When you finish this book, you wil be convineed that domestic violence i lta, 00, Lenore E, Waller, EdD, ABPP. Tom U. Rhadus, MA Preface On September 8, 1987, my lover attacked me forthe last time (On that sunny afternon, he lacked our apartment door and theat- ened fo sort me out “once and fora" Ths time, 1 didnot et hin Using a plan Feveloped thar morning, escaped through a window (of our Second story apartment, ran down the fre escape and Jionped to the sret, He chased me, but Touran him. Tio days fer sa “Goye Sephen, "and have a son Mm ste that day. On September 8, 187, my telephone rng, Iwas Parc, ou of ‘reat caling from a pubic phone. It hed heppened agin he Seid, bu this tine he had escaped. He ws ob, he eed, but oul come ove fora couple of hours total an figure ot what todo? I drove to wher he washing, picked hin up and brought ‘hm tomy home. sl ured ut, Parik stayed forfour moni, sng my home as "fe hose. Hs over ot knoe me ad, therefore, he ot now where Pavick was, That nigh eae {rom Pavick what Thad not known about him Before. earned tha he was a batered gy man. The ls vo years of his fouyearreainship with hs lover Stephen had been pod by brutes, lumitaton, ond psychological abuse. Stephen had ote src, punched, and sapped him. He had shoved and tron Patrick ap against was and dow ant close floor. From ridicule and harassmen,Parck knew gl, shame, confusion and loveliness. Stephon had treatened to kl him more than once, Puuick's happy upbringing in a-smal town in Connecticut had served lim well in mst every arc of hs Hea college degree, ‘nut peopl, samy poston, big rsh extended fay, ‘excelent! communication sks and fts of frends ba t had et si Mey io near THE MeN WHO Love THEN prepared him fr thi devastating realy: at age 24, Patrick was a tin of gay men's domestic violence. Even though he has @ PAD in educational psychology and had been a university profestor for years, David knew nothing of gay ‘men’s domestic violence before that day. Infact, he had never even Iheard of i. David had spent his tine raising ovo sons, Tim and Toby, now both in college. He stayed a small San Francisco bus ress thar grew and grew He ran some, Yea @ lt, and avidly fl Towed the Bers. He le a velatvely conventional ie asa gay man in San Francisco David has hs norso-convemional side, too. Me Blasts through San Francisco trafic in his Broncoltank,accosting all the lousy rivers. He microwaves his ice eream 80 Ws “soft enough 10 fat!) And he knows more about geography and high-atde faring than anyone else alive. David has aso spent a fang tne {raining therapists, which has made hi an expert on helping peo- plein erss He knows how to listen, how tobe supportive, and how fo unfold and exwmine personal difeulies. David knew exact howe to deal with me During the ime that Patrick stayed at my home, we aed about him as victim Sephen asa battrer, and the violence. We began {othink and talk about domestic violence in gay male relationships find quicly realized that few people knew anything bout I There twas no information available, and there were no books or re- sources, Worse yet, nobody in the gay community ever talked about On Christmas Day, 1987, 1 set down with « Dictaphone and began recording my experience as a victim of gay men's domestic wolence. 1118 from that original tape that the idea for this book ame 1 us. av and and Povick eer i ‘The idea was that a book exploring this topic was desperately needed to advocate victim's needs, teach about the phenomenon, speak to therapists, send 2 message to batlerers and ale ou both cs inthe gay community. ‘So we fal everything we could get our hands on, We talked to therapists, police offices, politicians, nd domestic violence ex- pets all ever the country, We gave speeches, Iistened to seminar Presentations, and debated with fiends and strangers. We became iti advocate. ‘What wr learned we now submit to you in this st book on the tubo subject of gay mens domestie violence, Introduction Gay men's damest violence isnot new problem just a newly ‘recognized problem, I has existed ever since ay mes Began coup: tng and living tegethee. What is new i ht abused ey men all ‘ver the United Sits are starting come forward seeking help, as ims of domestic volnes Thi overs ae violent me andthe ims ane beng bared. As hese bared men emerge fom their ing closts, hey Tae gay community and society are thats unprepared and ileoqpped to help them. Domest vee big oben for Ani's 9.5 milion alt gay men. We esate tat st many S00,000 gay men ae ‘tims and ofcourse equal numbers ae ssn pepetatrs This, ‘only nubtace abuse sd AIDS adversely aect more gay me ‘making domes voles the tid ages ealh problem fen, a men today. We belive the problem i oo bry realistic to elgorel any longer. ‘total of no more than 20 professionals, seater in fur Ame canes (Sate, New Vor, Minneapolis, nd Sen Franco) ae Adeqatlyexpeioned or aimed fo del eectvaly with vit ven more alarming is he neortalaeence of agencies setup to provide sorvices to gay rat teres. Thur, teste of the DOF the knowledge about gay men's domestic violence i pitflly tlementay, about wher he heterosexil atered women’® move. tment as 0 years go, No literature exists about this problem, No research has been done Since the gy community i nly jot beginning fo learn aout thepoblem, ignorance widespread, ateach to tins i sere, tn few serves re provided. Eaestion aout py men's Gomes olence i gently needed, since ack of information bps pepe ‘ate the problem, In this fist book on gay men’s domestic violence, we hope to open some cost doors, to generate awareness about the phenome. 2 MeN WHO BEAT THE MEN Wao LOVE THEME eee ree es Mo et apy al aeoacneer ae aly ariel he Sipe ao fe oe te ar a ae Fee a ee cat a hag en er tahoe See mar a ee de Meese ie Char got ian es bh net cart i lees Ste ase Nt re Fee ee oe Beer eel bt i eee terra damestc coupe Tn fa nth bok we show ta at beta ee co no ie Devi and ot Pick Laer ’ estycondion, manifested most ery tefore, during, and ster one a vet atocks, Bates done von seek tel, canta do not fix themselves mage, and become cretngly aie over tne Bateres have eared to be kent, cvidenting both disorder whichis coneetble though ronment Sn behavior which sponta by aw oth conseonaces must iow for tare, Vets, by and ie, are somal people who at ufontly inrclationhips wih olen pies Couple racing np. atand unethical steatent and ict unequivocal ent Spent The ol tec method knowns a 0 op o> ict inte liverof hin forthe ict oglu th sel tinh, ayo and ve arr conta ih tet former ast pate We want gy men's domeate valence o en. Ove passion fr that goa a evidemnthin bok, acomprabensie exploration fhe ent te Cape provides an explanation of what py men's domestic wiser is afd snot, An aay approach sed fo dese he Scope of th problem, the mht tnd misconceptions about do: mete vnne ae ft, Staring inthis chp tn contig ‘hroghoa the bok st the begining of exch chaps ack et lees personal arate binging vv oe ome af the bratty he expences etm fan ase pre Chap crea examination a why gaymen's domestic violent ccs moe tan once and wha fre This chapter ‘lings he irda hry on he subjects upg ta pede instances of gy me's domestic voles an fat be ex Flaine by known phono pins, nldig postive in forcement, egatve reinforcement, penises ys, an the Ink of aintnve fr batting ‘Copland TV dese ti profi of batters and veins in spin ta offerings thy to expan the Seay af tach Extmive canons soot why bares ae and why ve tiny layer te arly of nyo he ot of he pod lomo dst ine, Sic few ates rect any Wea tre toy, the paying and payee communes te Peiloned i Chapter Ii develop new palogy nomen wi ‘ Mey wso BEAT THE MEN WHO LOVE THEME {for abusive personality disorders for all batterers, in order to en- ‘courage eniepreneuring clinicians to treat more batterers, and get paid for and 10 Increase the avallabiity of treatment in general for baterts In Chaplet V, the difficulties that vets have in geting out of relationships wth violent menace addressed. Speci tps and ideas ft presented to encourage gay ale victims to leave thee destuc- {ive pariners This chapter and Chapter Vi are “sel-help” oriented ‘with practical Information for gay male vetins who want to leave tn slay away from their violent partners. "In Chapler Vi issues of slaying out ate analyzed. Welly, tins of gay men’s domestic violenee should stay ou of elationships ‘with violent men from th First time they fst leave, Tips are of fered to victims on how to stay out, and a checklist is provided to help gay men spot ad avoid potential batterers. Chapter VI oulines the difficult topic of how to help a fiend or relative who wants to leave or who his just lft relationship with fn abusive man, Friends too often try to act as mediators 10 help both partes, an action that is bound to fail Detaled basic and so- phisteated advice is offered to frends and eaves on how to focus Their helping efforts sucessfully onthe vit 10 a him a Staying sifely and permanently out. Ths chapter Is also useful to exper- ‘ced professionals sie it contains insight counseling advice. ‘Chaplet VI examines possible intervention strategies for profes sionals who work with vies of gay men's domestic violence. Suggestions are made aboot what Kinds of help victims need and ‘what kinds of skills the service providers ought to possess. Compe leney cfteria for therapists who teat gay male victims are suge fssed, as are treatment methods and outeome measures. Victims fre given advice and diection on what o look for ina therapist and fr encouraged to sec both individual and proup therapy. An ovet- AIL theory of community intervention is presented, including spe- ‘itt sggestons for av enforcement, the judicial syst, commn- hily support, and sae houses. ‘Chapter IX is comprised of cight essays tat elucidate the com- plex and unusual psychology of domestic violence, describing Sues and phenomena with which vitims nd socety must contend. ‘The roles that AIDS, drugs and alcoho, and “provocation” pay in esd and ont Pack Ler 5 wronaly excising tnterer conduct are deserbed. Codpend gender ae dumised a vad ese of domestic lees, fn fhe importance of undersaning Row barra iti hav alsin pate ppchologin aged he site ey mal ‘ts asin ving hele lent partner ares explore, i atton fo the difiey enone hat fn understanding vin inert prensa Finally Chater X spel ou the pressing ned for goverameat sction vet, commit supp an pai sbout ay ten's domes vee, It provies& pola and commen ther Tor chan. Nev avs and revlon o exiting ples 8 demand and defined nod fo forte mine domestic lene," Dok cocldes wih chalsge foe acne, Eorprat, vc and py commits obi edcting the pu iconicingveeatch roving geste uning nd feng, broader sits to soi the rapidly emerging, serous. ea heath, mel na leat poems of ey ets domestic oe lene (Chapter 1 Is This Violence? THE CARROTS INCIDENT. Stephen and I are in our kitchen inthe Castro in San Francisco, cooking diner. The muse is on, the windows are open, and we're ‘hating and bopping around. I's an average day. Stephen tus fo Ime and says, "Patrick, will you cut the carr%s?” And I say, "Sure, ho do you want them?" Stephen answers, “Oh, any way. Medoesn't matter." continue my talking and dancing and the ear rots are cut and am ready 10 do whatever is next, the toma tes? he cen? ‘Stepen is suddenly angry. “Oh, honesty. Look at these” he shouls. “These are no ‘good! He is clenching his fists. “I ean’ believe you!” he shous, ‘What am Isuppased to do with these?!” 1s the carrots. He doesnt like the way the carrots are cu “Stephen, you said it didn't mater how I eit therm. Thee fine, ™ ‘Stephen shows back “I tellyou! They're no fine!” With one swipe of his hand the earots are off the cutting board and anto the “Oh, Stephen, come on, what d’ya do that for?" “Don’t tell me to ‘come on," do ou hear!?”" POW =a fis on the side of my head. POW~another fit, this one inthe rts, Fam pushed up agains the wall. Again he yells, "Don't tell me to come on’! T shout, “Ger off me, you fucker, "and I push him away, lid ‘He pummels me in the head, inthe face, inthe ches. Ym youn ‘against the wall again. I an out of the room, trmfled. Angry Shocked. Sad. What did I do? Why does this happen? What am f ding wrong? Tun into the bedroom. ‘Stephen stays behind 10 clean up the carrots and to continue cooking. He comes into the bathroom ten minutes later, wheres evi Md a Poni Latetier 7 shires, am washing my face and neck and chest. “Let me see,” he says, gently taking my chin in his hand and turning my face owants ins. He eyes my cut lip and some marks on my neck and chest I'm sl shaking. start ering. ‘Stephen says, “Oh my darling. How ean I do tis to you? Hove ‘yurso much. come ere.» "And, he huge meand rocks he as Try. "You Ve got help me Patrick I don’t ke hing you. ."” ‘As the “Carrots Incident clearly shows, violenee inthe home an happen with lightning speed. Within 43 seconds, Pati has ten shouted at, threatened, pushed up agains! the wal, punched in the is, hit with a fist onthe side of his head, and stuck nthe face and chest. And, the perpetator ofall the viene i his lover “The "Carrots Incen” also demonstates how ordinary demes- tie violence situations may be, Here, Pattck is abused while prepar- ig dinner. We are not describing sadosmasochitm, nor 8a ight” between equals, nora drunk or drdg-erazed man Windy bat ‘ctng his Jover, nor an extreme ease of domestic violence a8 re- ported inte news, where one man is beaten to death by his lover, Domestic vctencs not necessarily exteme and not lays physi cal, Domestic violence most offen occurs in ordinary hovsehold Scilngs between ordinary gay me Crtois farther shows that domestic violence ean happen with- ‘ut amingandwithout build-up of tensiontoacrisis, This violence ‘Wok Patrick completely by surprise. No one could have predicted it. ‘OF serous importance inthis naraive ists ending, Stephen be ‘comes the provider of conor to Patrick an unhealthy development for Parick, When abtterer soothes his victim, confusing a plex psychological phenomenon eur. The result is that Patek sue- ‘umbs to Stephen, the only source of solace available in onder to ‘eccive the support he needs, and in so doing, e becomes even more vulnerable to Stephen's future efforts wo eal an inimidate in. HOW MANY GAY MEN ARE VICTIMS ‘OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE? . Domenic viene because of ao: et, ak, nd ua able Right now, at this very moment, is happen W over the United States, Men are bashing a ‘ Mew io DEAT THE Mex WHO LOVE THEM a ee ae ae ‘All of us have relatively clear ideas about some types of violence, Seen ttcmasy cate percentage of Americans actualy condone violence in the family ty ‘Salites on gay men's domestic violence appeared. In that year, the {") te olen spelt ere Devi tad a Pick Leelee ° truth stat here ae thousands upon thosands of victims of ‘men's domestic violence in the United States each month, ad WH 1s 1 $0 HARD To FiND our. HOW MANY GAY MEN ARE BATTERED ‘BY THEIR MATES? Domestic violence a taboo toil Few governvent bureaus and fers have the politcal inert oivesgat the incidence of fay men’s domesivnene One ned think bk ony ew eas {5 remenber theofficial dsinerest shown whe ndenons Began tonurace bot te extent of htroscnal ating, Domestic tence was then ud remis now a ao st people now tat domestic violence exits, but few wat deals and even fewer want to do anything about The very lope makes people ‘ervous, Fore, fw enoramen perl, an governments 10 Show nicest in gay men's somete violence wou men ta Something would have fo be done in response. This issue fs further_ compounded for ie authorities because gay mens domestic vo. {ene aves gay men. Why sul sae) ates Mest v= ete money cles when Sodomy al cnr a rine cra deviance by many ses, and when set vslence against gays by nongays (gay bashing) i completely ignored, if not enc sage, by those in authori? The taboo overlay of gay" onto al- teady taboo “domestic violence” explains» basi reason shy no ‘sel states have ever been gathered on gay men's domestic Wiolence. (Usd aur rpard ii of ry mens domestic vickence hoses not (0 call the police, whom ele dos he nly? In most ommunities im the United Slates, there is no one to moily. The New York City Gay and Lesbian Ant Vilenee Project, San Fane «sco's Community United Against Violence, The Comunity Un- ‘verity HealthCare Center in Minneapolis, and the Seattle Counsel- ing Service for Sexual Minorities are among the rarest exception 0 this voi. Reluctance to cal the police is commonplace. Only the _Mtongest of victims il al. the police and only the for the most incidents. While being forced by your lover Yo have Bex Si gor nits cominy aust ies heist ht the kindof violet incident that would brig the police to your door Cegencin 0 ‘Mey 0 EAT TH: MD HO LOVE: THEN in most communities, even if you are a Reerosental woman Spousal rape shou be rns, bo mati what the gender othe abuser o Vm nthe absence of an gency Yo Holy, oF proper iaws dvecting pies conc, ten that kind of gay meh’s dames ti violence wal go unepoted. Unquestionably viral all dens of gay men's domes ween are ol reported because thre i adnate poring meni it soy. The ay community avis the probe, Some me stay bc a a a ‘tence, i wiely knoe, would mel fl the st {iScmitation om te rosea no, Aredwihsuch nor bers ofthe le dome Sie epost seh hte wold ft i eon tnd ha al bad ows fel oe suppress Many Se a ashes cane ing onal Gey man eit tle tna re ata a el Sah boa ber ieee Ste py say, ents ka ame calieed Hes ie patonnnly ely dat on ic ts soni eat ip moa kr Sean patna ey ody past es Proportional share of violent inlvidals i ther ist who bash Baerty me sting sgh mbes Ome vy impr re sem itebohartwlll ot iow may gy eae are ievinter sth he uy emmy wos eer ot Kw See Cetin fought hs len) ha ta i al Np seman A ts Sto seer he SUE i ee Su lth ea fetal areata ace Pines lence call the police, appear at hospitals, make appointments with Daychologists, on ack help a communitj-run projects that offer EStistance to battered people. These are the men who tll authors the ral reason they Want hep. tts rom these few, brave vitns thatthe Gay Men's Domestic Violence Movement has emerged. “They alone have shouldered the burden of responsibility to alert our socitty about a peobler tha ighflly should be shared by all Bu, Devi land oa Pic eeler u oa en resent realy, Cel autho eal reason ‘been caused by "Tals." Anxity is suid to have been caused by “job stress.”” Police are told that an “accident” occurred, Such gute ae undrtanse nour eeoex,homophee sn religiously hypocritical nation that reserves compassion, care-°° kg ei hs an jai for tes, Whe ie- an loot eee dts dol amon a oly Thi ran of wi doubly te lng. They are 4 major reason wo ite Is known bout ibe elenee pay men's domesie vec. Ths peop Conpled of ont Vn, asttine ving” even ore ikl shone tins who hve ase Hay wih a abuse ‘partner. ‘This group of victims is also made up of those men who TEMA vite ("wos a bad) or hove wh hk hat Sects tones were al Woke, thi enfrenof ence oes bot warn the aston of syne: Fay, hs grap of vcs includes men whose abusive lovers have convinced. them that the ‘no ced ip nd tn Tey souls ayo WH i, Sei oe les ope ee from legn, medal, and psychological professionals but do no dis: lowe what bought hom for Belg: Moker ae ae 10 Bae ies fal to ask. Physicians, nurses, and emergency room medical perzonnelare reluctant to inquie about, acknowl- tage, and address the causes of injuries from domestic violence. ep den me or tagney ne send ely ccuraie-ietifinion of injury. cause by balering, ‘Ate eatnen, mos vitne ne dscharee wae rane ee lite-threatenng’ conditions to which they retum (Randall, 1990, 930-040). Even if medial authorities fal to ak the eight ques: as they should all domestic violence viens rust tell model authorities about the exact causes oftheir injures, insist thatthe teal eause i property documented and demand tha het safety be- ‘come a primary consideration of health ear proviers ‘Neary 100% of batterers donot ell anyone and do no seek help n Mew wo wear THE Mi WO Lore THEM ‘olan Wih only the ret exceptions tees never adniio Teepe an ven fewer seek he help thy desperatly es. Ofte ew who appa for teat ae nat yt courts San mos pu gly ool atc a men. Gay ate Seeley oss Uae gy ale bl teor abuses mate, We do not Row the ete of Is pos iin bse sii mn fan ln che he “Tough tee ino pra atl between he doris ofa sols sd ths of baer; we now kaw the ext fale fol in Areca vat gly unknovnoil slcsoli cme on otter lst ellos an owned up oth pr, Uti huts doe ane, we see with ony exits ote to DEST ESTIMATES Th pros ino. Te fow agencies a serie provides wh deat sire with vim of Kesbon and gay men's dome vee review va fon a the real exten of domes wance, The cman workers and profesional ing people knew te tan how many tins ad ater ake walk int hl ocx ferelp Al of thse profesional community workers ss fat they sc only fow of mh ger ivnble pop of vn tavern the ey commu “iu Cowinsorof Domest Vince Servis a th New York iy Gay and Leshan Ant Vilence Projet stat betwen 2 Sn IS pte athe people wh conte hr agency ae domestic Senet ses. Approximately 180 nv prea, ou al tesa hl fy mil cape served ie Lesa an Cy Coursing Program a ens Sree in Mincaote owed aout 0 isbn ingroup and ina herpy for domeste wlene tenons in SR an 989; Neer te New Yorknr he Mines iso ha estimated verlprevlence states “ine iro ofthe Gay ence Projet atthe Communty,Unted gunn Violence (CUAV) ty San Fane Sted thet domestic lence my affect pon at many 5 percent of gay mie stapes Over two-car psd frm tt Devi and nl Paik Latelier 8 of 1987 10 the spring of 1989, CUAV served more than 700 that ageney estimate i coret, San Francisco. would “San approximately 2000 vit of gay en's domestic vie lence etch year, Since the San Franctco police rexpond to only 20 alls per Year, it clear thatthe oler 18,800 fnckents of violence ae unepote. incidence of heterasexual battering, Because domestic violence in eterosexial relationships fas been a source of govermetal once for over 20 years, lable sais are now avalible about heterosexual battering. New York State probably has the most ad- vanced epproach nthe nation, es itis the ony state with perma nen office devoted othe problem of domes vielnce, the Ofice {or Prevention of Domestic Violence. That effice's predeesso, the [New York Governor's Commission on Domestic Violence, detre ‘mine that approximately 6,000,000 wives td 300,000 shards that 2,750,000 wives experience physical violence thee or four rr abused each year in the United States. In addition, iis known, times por eat. Husband se kno orgs again 11,000 wives each wih 2,000 00 led ah beat oda may by family member. These ate the general acre figures now Med inmat ofthe domestic voles Werte, 1 1990, there were 250,000,000 people he . 8 States, Sub rating the 60,000,000 children under 18, there remain 190,000,000 ‘ual (19,000,000), there then remain 171,000,000 straight adults, 5.5 millon men and 85.5 milion women. American adults cure ; fenily marty, or couple, at 2 rate of 64 percent. ‘Thu, there are 55,000,000 wives and 33,000,000 husbands a America today, “The 6,000,000 wives who are abused by ther husbands represen 10.9 percent of the wt mer of wives, and that the incidence of heterosexual domestic violence commited by husbands on their wives. Many expets believe that even 11 percent i 10 low, and that it should more accurately be placed at sround 20 percent, oF ‘nein ive marriages, Using the 6,000,000 battered wives and the 300,000 battered ‘husbands figures, we note that 95 percent of battering in hetrosen- ‘ual couples i committed by males. {300.000 gay male vitins each year. "Theres 0 eason a al Yo o 1“ Mew wo Bear THE MEN WHO LOVE THERE alee that the nidnce of gay men's dome wee i any less than tat in the heterosexual community. Als, as discussed {| further inthis section, we postulate that gay men’s domestic vio- | Tees yon a tne paver an-domesi wens as | ‘torestat cama , "The deseo gry men’ domestevisece cn best be es aed tom te Kove nef domes ene sng etre in 330s re 9,300,000 gy als te Une iss al gay mals couple a these ashen {et pcen. te 0000 ay vena cols, of Cafe cv00,60 epreeng potent tine: Ml fne30(00 tne he 18 pect html baring ate id are of 30,00 gay mate vie of tomes wlence ch yori the igre at we popes te fovea sth uber of butees gy en in Aeris cach ys ‘The 330,00 vm fgere my be oo ow fr err reasons. ‘cnn terse couples crn 98 pre of he baie Bur tte ae vo men preset nt gay cospe, whch mean a tier menter hash same probity bing tee Te foes pbaity of vac eceuring ins gy cope mate tna dbl the roby ofthat es heosentl couple Secon, one of te mets in gay mae cure na women, Bespee ft a mercn skye tere SSR ong es not oh women, Tau, even hough a many £5.00 percent ofthe men In Aneel tr yt at wy men dt women Nts ih eh, over, Men Tine wih aaciy i Aon rd, tne in evens fo sw tht gay me te any lee wien rary es pane vlc on sage men is possi thecoe and kl fra of he sbove reson, that eke of done vibes anon gy es ne Soli etal pate, oc of sh imu we telone hat ny as 00 yen ay ewe ‘Sinee vnc ath yea inthe Une Sn Ts he gre ihtive propane te high en oh ang of the ented tube fase py men in Ame each yes We emphasis a he 650,000 victim ig he high ete inte etree a roponngen sos come tin. We tave no dee w exaggea he ested tamer of Devi ond ent Pic etellar 6 elms and would prefer tht the numberof victims of gay men's domestic vilenes ere zero. Bui i nti a big Mum, Somewhere between 80,000 an 630,000 men pr yea ‘One fc tat may opéate to Hower he highend figure toward sm pi tty en ay tle ove aan eteronetas. ‘Te only Noown sate om coupling amon. tne ws drive by'1 1089 Son Frncaco sane natona ‘ey of gay Americ, which showed that pace of the gay men inthvr sample wee coupled gue clase fo the 6 erent ia the Heterosexual commonity (Yelling 198, p, 18) Butte coupling ‘a among py men remany uncertain, ‘A Second fae which ls may opeae to lower the high-end fig swetsthat the longer a couple fogs, the higher the probably for violence. Gay male elation iy be shor i tem than iret latin, hry weg he ht fd ‘este ven. in conlsion, we believe that a mio estimate of 500,000 nn vite of gy mens donee wnlence represent a el, ‘earonble, and non apeclnve estimates We hope tht Ii oo High te suspect Ha its sg on he mak ‘MYTHS AND MISCONCEPTIONS Sp lio icteric rei action Yo help veins ant stop he lence, Fay, 6 Meo near TiN ws LOVE 58 MYTII ONE: Only Straight Women Get Battered; Gay Men Are Never Viens of Domest Violence ‘This snot tue. The Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project atthe ‘Commanity United Against Violence (CUAV) in San Francisco es Timates tht for every police ineient report on gay men’s domestic violence that CUAV receives, there are betveen 10 and 20 int ‘ents that go unreported. Cleat, not only are gay men victims of ‘domestic violence, but they ate being battered at an alarming rate. Thismythits none ofthe corersonesof denial about gay men’s domestie violence: that menare never victims. This ia isboth sexist Sd dangerous, ust as lesbian battering foves ust admit that some ‘Women ater tei partners, gay men's domestic violence foresusto look at some men as tins, which cntradicsal the stereotypes we have in our soclty about men. Domestic violence is nota Render ue. Iisa power issue, algal issue, ara mental health issue. The ‘wut s that men can be vet of dameste violence MYTI TWO: Domestic Violence is More Common {in Straight Relationships Than {in Gay Male Relationships ‘This is ot true, Thor i wo reason to assume that gay men are Jess violent than Heterosexual men, We estimate that at least 501,000 gay men are abused by ther lovers each year inthe United ‘States, With two men in relationship its posible that domestic violence oeeurs more Frequently Inthe gay mate community than in Haight America. One thing is certaia: Domestic violence is 2c Knowedged, aed about, ad dealt with mote in straight relation- ships than in gay male relationships, MYTH THREE: Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Iva “Fight,” ‘and When Two Men Fight, Is 9 Fai Fight Between Equals ‘This is not true This myth draws on ou inability or unwiling- 1. a a violent situation where one person is clearly a iti. This is refered to as the “Boxing Ring” myth, based onthe Davi ond on Pic Leer ” that domestie violence is two men batling it out, and that itis “fair” This myth also falsely assumes that both men are ready and willing to be physically violent with each other. There is nothing fair about domestic violence: Being knocked agansta wall and Punched inthe face by your angry lover doesnot ental fimess, Furthermore, this riyth completely overlooks psychological suse and matrial destruction. You do not have to be hi 1o.be 8 ‘etim of domestic violence, and one should not underestimate the damage that psychological abuse can cause, ‘My brulseslicaed abou a week afer I eft my ex-lover, but nwo Years later 1 was sil dealing with the traces of his constant cri ism and the erosion of my self esteem. MYTH FOUR: Ics Not Really Violence ‘When Two Men Fight; I Is Normal; Te Is Boys Being Boys “his isnt tev. This myth addresses the lager societal atid thal exis about male veces: that tls acopabe for meno Be olen that ls nal att somehow, ka “There is nothing normal about domestic vslenc. The “boys b= ing boy idea may have Den ars when we mee al stars cl, but when a mani 26 yeas oly nthe hosp wih baken tones and is lover broke them, thi sno normal Tiss mach mone tan boys lng Boys, es volenee. Unfortunatly, this myth is pervasive inthe gy male community. Wik fe positive ean Ship ole mois wale, many gay men end te and ace ‘iolencs by thee pres the Rom MYTIL FIVE: Gay Men's Domest Violence 1s Just a Lovers” Quarrel “This is notte, Thetis a tremendous difference between a lov- ers’ qurtel and domestic violence, All overs and all couples have (quarrels. Is @ normal and healthy part of human relationships, Violence, however, isnot an acceptable way to resolve a lovers? ‘quarrel, ho matter how severe or intense the dsagreeme In addition, dismissing domestic violence as: "jst” lovers’ ‘quarrel is to Say that violence between two people who are in & ry Me wo Bear He MEN WHO Love THEME {elatonship together is accepable. We conten, of course, that vio- lence is never accepabl. “This myth also falls to take ino account psychological abuse, Which is large pat of the domestic violence picture. ing ha fssedon the telephone at Work, having you lover threaten suicide i you leave him, and being continually shouted at are some ofthe Psychologically destructive forces al work in domestic violence, making itmuch more than “just a lovers” quarrel.” [MYTH SIX: The Datterer Will Always Be Bigger fand Stronger; the Victim WII Always ‘Be Smaller and Weaker This isnot. Aman whois 7%, roe to violence, and very angry can to's ft of damage to tomcone who i 6, twenty pou avian socvnent person. Size, weigh, tcc, {ucennes or hy ther pial tite ole arent god ni ‘Sto of meter or not an wil bea victim o bate, ‘Again hs mth fotses only ot the psc apts of domes- uculoenee, Abate dock mot nes tbe ui ike inbacker a Stush yor eompae dies, cut pall our Ching, eaten 1 {e'everyoe at work that you are relly "quces* Violence i 8 toler operon hole, nt bodys MYTH SEVEN: Men Who Are Abusive While Under the Influence of Drugs or Alcohol ‘Are Not Responsible for Theie Actions “This isnot tue, Drugs and aloohol are excuses fr violence, and {his myth takes responsiblity off he baterer for his violent behav- forand pts ion drugs and/or alcohol. The uth isha violence ia ‘choice, andthe responsibility for making that choices the bat Tis importent not to underestimate the degree to which people cling to this myth to excuse or justify violence orto blr the respon Sit fori This myth bo widely hod in the gay community, {hat many gay men believe that their pay bothers (anlikeheterosex- tual men, evidently) do not bate their partners, but if it happens, sutly daugs and alcohol are involved, I a person who batters i Devi ond nd Paik Letelier » also on drugs or alcool, that person has two separate and serious problems. ‘Violence is « choice, and many gay men who are violent with thei lovers are men who do not rink or use drugs. My eclover was ‘prime example. MYTII EIGHT: Gay Men's Domest Violence Has Increased as » Result ofthe AIDS Epidemic, Alcoholism, and Drug Abuse This isnot tr, AIDS, drags, sco, the devi, or ay oer robles, conton, oka ay man finds hinset a dos not fain dente vile. Beene ptptaon deco be olen tel own conicous nat he che fever woke a hey “hin one of hemos enti myths Beene many people auiate uti fret ae the cute of chair, Such ule forces may wel be cvelted wih eta cond bt ey Go Cruse te Smit For example, esol doer ot he ae ale ey du eres th “Thtes of AIDS an the su of drugs donot case increases in domeac violence. Vint ron hse nesses a dome wo ene (Fra ther dacsion a the elton tes AIDS, alcohol, deugs, and domestic violence see Chapter IX.) [MYTH NINE: Gay Men’s Domestie Violence 1s Sexual Behavior, fasochism; 1 Version of ‘the Vietinns Actually Like It This snot tue. Domest vec nt tna! Do- mea vloce a anomasoca (SA) areal den Ima rears tice uly sme cnt een aout he inks or the boundaries fie behavior wich eh perlon wing uc even when pin ited Dome Totes onto ck cota There ening fn of echng Stouring punched ine te whl watching, oso el tid repetly you ao uply tat aobdy ce would wan yous Domestic violence is abuse, manipulation and control that cm wanted by he vi 2» Mew wo sear nie ae wo Love EM {As for vietims of domestic violence “king” the violence, the following question ae posed: Do victims of any violent crime en- joy the violence? Do people who ae raped or mugged enjoy i? TE ‘you were to be alacked by two gay-basers with baseball bats, ould anne sume tat Jou eyed th ince Like vine ‘of other violent eines, vsti of domestic vieenee do not enjoy {he violence they expeien Unfortunatly, this myth is also pervasive within the gay male community, whet i allows gay men o dismiss o wivilize domes Tie violence, orto deny fi existence, And agin, 38 with some of the other myths, victims are the people who ser most frm this False belie tha they ejay the violence. When they finally come ‘ut and sat cling people that they are being abused by tei lov- ‘er, they at olen ridiculed, o¢ Leased about enjoying pan, oF sim ly not believed. Bele in this myth allows the gay community (0 nore the eles of victims of domestic violence and do nothing (0 help them, MYTII TEN: The Law Does Not and Will Not Protect Victims of Gay Men's Domestic Violence exept, Unity een on were you ve the Uni Sites, and of wba pier police Siti Yespon to your en, Pepi ving ns hat hae aD Sy ive or who ein url are ofthe oumty, may bave mh ‘moe ifcy wih te pois and hela syse han men wh then teres sme cts ret sis have been made icing the poi out both gay rlatonhipe domes violence, Seale, for example, ha uc “sem n which gay a iesian alec be nested ad eourt- tle no nna progetto. Al batters (ary, 199), Thi of eau, no garnet the pole otter who aves aly fon dor wl tbe a em tang igo mater where you lie a many teas ofthe coun tystowever, th police can awl lp vin of ay men's Binet wens. “This myth sess onthe promise tha Hea you ace gay the cote legal aytom, ad pao he pie i patil, 7 ak evi aa and Paik Later 2 Perera bial lil elt f od ia me es es ee segmenting te en terete er mye ch. a gay em te em ating Sn ee 2 MEN WHO BEAT THE ateW WHO LOVE THEM iy gay mae victim of domestic violence was very postive. Only hee td | eapevience blatant homohatred, hen to policenomen fefsed to fe an incident report about aresiruning order lation tial fered ome as she" and “iis woman” 10 eachother and tothe ofcers n my presence. (Evental [had to go fo anther ‘ation to fie te repor,) Since 1 lft Sep, he has voted vo Fesrinig Orders total of 11 tine, an have made countess trips to police stations. In almost all ntances, wen I told the police athe man I as tying fo protet myself rom was my e Tover they mere generally nore coopertive an seemed 10 ake me more seria). [MYTH ELEVEN: Vitims Often Provoke the Violence Done to Them; They Are Getting What They Deserve “This is ot trac. This myth perpetuates the iden that the victims are responsible forthe violence done to them, tha somehow victins ‘Cause batterers to be violent. Aga, valent bekavior is solely the responsibly ofthe violent person. The victim is responsible for ying inthe lationship, but that doesnot make him responsible for the violence. “This myth is common among both baterers and vitims of do- reste violence, and believing in it may be one ofthe forces that ‘eps a victim in relationship witha violent pantoer. 1 vets ‘alive that they ate the case of and are deserving ofthe violence, they may not make the necessary efforts to get out of the relation- ship. [MYTH TWELVE: Vietins Exaggerate the Violence That Happens fo Then; 11 Were Really Bad, They Would Just Leave ‘This isnot te, tn fac, the exact opposite iste. Most vitims tend to tvialize and minimize the violence that happens to then ‘One reason for minimization shat there Isa womendous amount of ily shame, and se-blame associated wit being 2 victim of do mesic volene, Since vilims are ashamed of what they have expe Flenced they downplay how bad the violence has actually been. "A second and peas more powerful reason for the tevializa- tion of wiclnce is that when gay men “come out” a victims of mest violence thr ens an arly and Begin elng peo- pls about the abuse thay have experienced lle ty sre not be- Trved Vieuos ine accused of making itp, of aking a ig ea” out of i, or of simply exaggerating the volnce. Vets quickly fea t wold the unpleasant dena ccs, and ble ty teling people few dal ofthe violence they have experienced sd downplaying is severe ‘A foci it were realy Bd, vitns would jst eave,” Keep in ann that ita ataly be hdr fo he vet to eave the ela tons th st lay. He may be tested wih nore has Inet of valence oe mre it he eso lesve, Leaving bi bate Imay mean leaving his Bom and all fbi hinge hin. May tein dealing with fends and family and co-workers who do not Believe him or blame him fr the voknes.Irmeans dealing with Scores of people, some counselor ncuded who encourage him Foe, (0st provoking” the abuse, try to change an a ty to work tout Abd i may mean dealing wih the pole, medica, Tega, and social services that are perceive may very well te homopbi. : eT (MYTH THIRTEEN: IIs Easier for Gay Male Victims of Domestic Violence to Leave Thelr Violent Partners ‘Than Ti Is for Heterosexual Battered Women ‘This oe. This myth is bated on many fe asmptons and pees abut gay men a thei love eatonhpn, soc a ihe nh that gay men ft from love to lover o at gay male relationship af somal ut at emotional, Gay Couple a nt {wed and involve in each ae lives a aight couples Sim tn Yo many staight bated woes, many taered gay men are ising cen sre nanlaly dependent on er vet paris, dnd el that fled reltionshp represents thule as & person Unlike sight women however, muy gay men are aed from tiers of orgin to homophts an eter. They i ea ran ev aie asi ay be ths nly family tr oly sore of spor Living in nonthatig soit, man gay couples aso dee ete Gonsipe ts hang an uly, urtber uni u MeN wo Wea Tue MeN WHO LOVE THEM fying the wo men, and making it more difficult for the victim 10 create himsel, i ; Tes naive or ignorant fo assume that itis esir for gay men (0 leave their violent pariners than is for anyone else coo 80, MYTH FOURTEEN: Gay Men's Domestic Violence Occurs Primarily Among Men Who Hang Out in Bars, Are Poor, oF Are People of Color ‘This ig not tre, Domestic violence crosses al aca ei tious, educations, and lass boundaries. Isa non-ise Phenomenon. This myth grows out ofthe higher visi Social rervies tht some disenfanchised groups have, as well as the assumption that domestic violence is an alechol- ‘lated phe- fomenon, The gay community needs (0 recognize that wealthy, ‘whitey educated *poleally corect™ gay men bater their lovers {ts much as does an oer group in our soe. (MYTH FIFTEEN: Vietims of Domestic Violence ‘Are Codependent “Tiss ot ue, There il, if anything, in the codependency late hat elf in understanding the dais of domestic Mitencs,(Colepsneny ie more fly adel in Chaer 1X) Domestic wince nol 3 relationship problem, Vins are not "parinesn dependency” with hl bates. The wo have Spa ‘ate pajholoieal pote Te baterer viet, andthe itm tina reaionship wth lemma. This mth is aged on 1 complete lack of uneatuning of o- meas violence. For expe, Besse veins use many coring Steps to survive fn Meshreatening statins, tee behavior tay ppeat tbe lke that of so-called “"colependent.” Tht api behaviors ins dangerous svatn ae misled codepe- dy. ‘iis of domes viene do mst he sient po leet, Labeling inom eoaepenen yet another attempt fo Si saponin fo he wens and take othe souls the bute David land end Pac ateler a 18 THIS VIOLENCE? “he following list of Act of Violence i inched to help make clear what he texm “Domestic Violence” mean. The tet may {near ambiguous to some, but we thik ts possi fo be eonee A definite abot it Asin the "Caro Taeden,” most of the olenee here i easy Yo ecole. Teismecessar 1 inlue on his it some ofthe ess obvious, and by more wily ocurig a of systole lene ed ‘nse destruction, For many people, the concept of domestic io tence rigs to mind the extee cates of pylesl abuse tnd ve Sous brutly presented inthe med such 2 inthe TV movie, “The Burning Be" or nthe Jol Stenberg, While these a6 bath indeed grosome examples of physi suse unfortunatly such emphasis on sential cates dtats anton frm the py Chologial douse these and mest oe vit of domestic vilens ‘xperince Te db nual ride, ha Should no be nderestinaed 'n adtion to iping to eiarity what domestic volene i the following st also demonsrates how wid the scope of bhavon tha domes ven inti, ‘When reviewing the ist of ilent acts below, keep several ign mind th ay me's ame ls vas te ne any man ras ore ely the ete, one very angry man, ‘hosts eee commited ange a pling ne tg oF pl bu a Yank tha hat the tin Who des note dx bet las your boyttend eve Mpped his inser pate fn your face in anger? Boes hz tention beak hing ht You vue, 1 “show You who"s boss"? Does he tate kl Nisei youteave hn? lat of violence and abuse, and they fer markedly ut nonabusive behavior. Of cue, you ean gry someone novel o& humorously tress to Kec someone In ine. Wit domes ven, howeves anger an item ear !Miypialy preset andar wed by ohe man Wo cover, conte, Imanpulatc or ijur the othe "A second foro keepin mind i hat should avys be the vic who decides ifabe is oceuting, The phrase, “Oh 2» Mey io wea Ts ew WHO LOVE HEM tit you that har ssid al oo commonly by barr. isthe ‘im who shold decide ihe he been hr ply 0 payeho cally. The definition of Gay Met's Domestic Viblnts, pre seein the pox acto, lnerprate his cull cone of hs ‘iim asthe decison maker Te fi ded to he sept ston pyc ven, sychologcl violence, and mera oF propery dsition. Av Sou rea th ay thik oul abot your osha check OMT whch ace fave bsen cored aginst you and which ones you tave commited yous ACTS OF VIOLENCE, steal ole rita dete ARE DENCHATING SEXUAL REMARKS GMARIMULATE NT "wane OR eee de Davi and nd Patek Leteier ” uanuniat os euoregry pestauerios VIOLENCE IS THIS If you are a reader who is wondering whether or not abuse oF violence is happening to you in your relationship, the fact hat you ate asking the question suggests thatthe answer fe "yes." iowever, to help you to be sure and to give cletr,easy-o- remember definition of gay men’s domestic violence, we suggest the following parsimonious wording, Gay Men's Domest Violence is: Unwanted + Physical Force “ + Psychological Abuse * Material 0: Property Destruction + Tlicted by One Man L* On Another, ‘These wows re eteilly chosen, ay mca js tha: Any ‘Univated reat that YOU do not want it and that you have ne Youngs ov ou ater Ine Jose gi rng xpct i oop you fatwant then it fe anvatieds ec idl Fore” msn ha probably hurts, Andy YOU de- cide hurts or nu Ther fs nothng ambiguous about pn, “Psychological Abuse” meas that mental game wames_are being played I means tha threats o intimation of manipulation is Fear and epiation are your bes indicators of whether oF Fy MEW Wo BEAT THE MEN WHO LOVE THEME ‘ot psychological sbuse is occuring. Again, YOU are the judge of “Material o¢ Property Destruction” means your belongings ot propety are being destroyed, You are the judge ofthe value of your posesions. “aflicted by One Man" means thatthe abuser has been ident fied, “On Another” means that the victim has been identified. Damtestc violence assumes that the two individuals involved have some sort of relationship involvement with each other, The ten may be lovers, may be dating, or, may oF may not be living together, They do fantion as a couple, however, no matter how Tnfoumal that coupling is. ‘Gay Men's Domestic Violence is ANY UNWANTED PHYS. CAL FORCE, PSYCHOLOGICAL. ABUSE, OR MATERIAL OR PROPERTY DESTRUCTION INFLICTED BY ONE MAN ON ANOTHER. ‘A central element to this, and any, definition of domestic vi- lence s power. Abuse and violence, in whatever form, ae sed by. the battrer to maintain power and contol over the vit. Through {he intentional use of vio lence, the baterer creates In which eis able fo get his partner to do what he wants ie violence is mor than just the acts of vio- over. I is also the power im- tulance inthe relationship that is maisained through a pattern of elberately chosen abusive and violent behavior, ‘at, Ie Is Not “A Violent Relationship” ‘When discussing, describing, or defining domestic violence, the specifi words uted are crileal, Language has the power to siruc- tre how we view, understand and react toa given sitation, tn ddomestle violence, how we react can mean the difference between lite and death. For many years, relationships in which one man was violent with, hig partner ve been erroneously described 2s “violent relation: hips,” “abusive relationships,” and “battering relationships.” evi land en Pick Letelier » “This inaccurate language is potently dangers to itn. Go men’s domestic violence is.not a relationship problem, but rather 7 Seibert, scent erie at by one tan, The Sa exten ‘porn dino: Desehng domestic violence av “barn Fetionstipippoprtely implies mutual a shored respon Sly for abasive apd vole tao, whic only enorage th ‘idespresd misconception hat wih meh he lato se Vio: Itt ely, vii pot a “vl elatonshipe” or one tal ofa wilt couple” He na relvonhp mi oven Iman He i coupled ith “a violent parmer™ Ih is book the word net elationhip” re not wed o descr a eltnship inwhich oe mn sabsive or vines except when ter erature uted. We tk ou the ear sofort your language an sol perpeiat th yt of sel responsi RAPED IN SAN DIEGO Stepten and Ihave Ben ogeter about wo and one-half yes, and we areon a onsneck atten i San Diego. A fend Of ne Fromcalehes moved hr eof ton forthe and has fed ufo ty hi aparmen Tigh, Stephen and Lare reg on he waterbed in the mater teroam afierafngdayof eg out and bout nthe un, We ore besh exhausted, undressed, and half elep when Stephen makes lear tet he want 1 have se. He bint touch ad caress ey Assign neck end shrkders angering hse eal ted or We embrace ond fer and Ia somthing othe cto 9 ma ing have sex and about feng te ues i the waterbed hurning underneath a. Stephen perstent however, and cone ad grope me, saying "Vou realy wan Path ths begs to rite me; 01 Wy 0 ph hom off "Nol T dot want thi, Stephen So, please et fF ‘Stephen grabs the back of my head and pulls me toward hin, issing me very hard. I begin to struggle with him ontop of me, sat, eff, Sep | dev wad isl Late ne alone!” This seems to infurtae hi, and he ges even mare gues sive. He has me pinned down beneath hi, and he Is grinding his » Men mio BEAT THE MEN wo Love THEME hips into me, roughly, to hard. Hei holding my arms dow with Ih ed sti fre ym am ag fngry now, shouting, “Get of me, goddamn you! Get off me" We Stree on wrestle onthe be hen rl! of ont te hardwood ‘oor, Stephen on top ofme- Ta fighting hi bac with all my might, pushing agains hin and Inching my way up the floor om my bac, shouting, "You'We Irn net Uae youl Get offre!” ‘Septem shouts back, “Hold sil, Paik! I'm going to fuck ou! sede ets med ih i rm cosy ches a hes my legs apart with is, postion himself. 1 strgele ‘ander, tpg tops him avay an yg tose long the flr ‘He gets x Somehow he gts no me, and with a sudden jb, he al the wy up ine mes Tsreom and Begin wo er. The pal is tnbenrabl. My back and ead and arms hur fom batting mith hin onthe floor, and now, he is side me wih no ubrcatin, no Preparation 1 stop sruging an ry fo race myself endure trha eis doing, to somehon lessen the pa. 1 doesnot lt on, Stephen hdres ter ony a minute or 1, witht coming. He sys, digs "You spot everythin, Patrik everthing Why can’ we ever do what T wan to da?” He tals tof the room and remain thereon the lor. Rape is ape, Whether itis mon raping women or men raping men, it is sil rape a despicable act fr which there Is no juslca tion. “Raped in San Diego” is brutal but, alas, perfect example of ‘gay men's domestic vilenes. The action is unwanted entails phys- fea force and psychological abuse, andi infeed upon Paik by Stephen, In shot, iis violence. ‘This episode laches important lessons about psychological sbuse, even more than about physical abuse. Though the pain and {he memory ofthe pain wil lst for some time, Pateick wil proba- bly sufer ao long-term physical effects, The psychological eects, however, are severe, Patvick has Deen assaulted, blamed, and then

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