WORKING LIFE

By Mingde Zheng

When to say ‘no’

I
was sitting at my desk when another grad student in my lab approached me. “Can you help?” he
pleaded. His experiment wasn’t working and he desperately needed help troubleshooting. I was a
fifth year Ph.D. student at the time, and I took pride in being the senior member of the lab, whom
everyone looked up to. But that also meant I was the one everyone turned to for help—which ate
away hours, days, and sometimes weeks that I could have spent on my own research. As I had
many times before, I caved and said yes. It was a habit that took years to break.

There were many reasons I had contributions to my manager. But

a hard time saying no to such he moved to another division of
pleas. I was new to the United the company a few weeks later,
States, having moved from China and I never saw him again. I
for graduate school. I found it missed my own project deadline
difficult to make new friends and because of the extra work, and I
discover afterwork activities I gained nothing in return.
enjoyed. So I spent a huge chunk It wasn’t until my wife gave
of my time in the lab, and my birth to our first child that I re-
lab-mates served as my primary alized how thin I had stretched
source of social connection. I myself—and how misguided my
feared that if I brushed them off, priorities were. While she lay in a

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I’d lose their favor. hospital bed in the early stages of
It was even harder to say no labor, I sat nearby hunched over
to my Ph.D. adviser, who had my laptop finishing up a work re-
the power to withhold funding port. Hours later, after hearing my
and recommendation letters. daughter’s first cry and watching
When he asked me to train new her tiny fingers grab tightly onto
researchers in the lab, I gladly mine, it dawned on me: I should
took on the responsibility and
led them through a full day of lab
“It was wonderfully addictive to have been fully present during
my daughter’s birth. I was clearly
orientation and training. When a be needed … but the extra spending too much time working
machine broke down and he re- if my job intruded into one of life’s
quested that I be the technician, responsibilities came at a cost.” most precious moments.
I did my best to fix the problem. From then on, I resolved to
And when he asked me to set up and conduct elaborate carve out more time for my family by paring down my work
demonstrations for a class he was teaching, I put aside my tasks and carefully considering each request for help. I still
experiments and immediately got to work on his request. enjoyed collaborating with others, but I prioritized mutually
It was wonderfully addictive to be needed. My own experi- beneficial tasks or those my manager asked me to take on,
ments were technically challenging and never went the way I rather than accepting everything that came my way.
planned. I got a much-needed confidence boost when I could I noticed many benefits, and few downsides. My daily work
solve a problem or do a service for someone else. agenda became less crammed, I no longer worked overtime—
But the extra responsibilities came at a cost. I had to work affording me more family time—and I was able to improve
extra hours to catch up with my own work, and I often made my work performance by focusing more on core assignments.
sacrifices to my personal life. One holiday break, I spent hours I was also pleased to discover that “Sorry, I’d love to help but
in the lab fixing a piece of equipment that I rarely used, when I have a deadline coming up” is an acceptable response to a
I could have been spending time with my family, who had request for assistance. Most colleagues seem to understand.
ILLUSTRATION: ROBERT NEUBECKER

traveled from China to see me.
After I graduated and started a job in industry, I continued
to carry the same mentality with me, and it continued to cost
me. When a colleague asked for help with his short-staffed
project, I dropped everything to help, hoping he’d become
a friend at work and that he’d put in a good word about my
It’s hard to say “no” to those you work with. But I’ve learned
that sometimes that’s the best course of action to avoid an ex-
cessive workload and lead a freer and happier life. j
Mingde Zheng is a research scientist at Nokia Bell Labs. Do you have an
interesting career story to share? Send it to SciCareerEditor@aaas.org.

498 22 OCTOBER 2021 • VOL 374 ISSUE 6566 science.org SCIENCE

 When to say ‘no’
Mingde Zheng

Science, 374 (6566), • DOI: 10.1126/science.acx9362

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