TWO SIDES BOOK 2

HIS GRIEF

BY

PUMZA SHABANGU
An authorised
unedited PDF
Copyright © 2022 by Pumza Shabangu

All rights reserved

Published by Akwande Publishing

pumzas@gmail.com

Facebook : Pumza Mfubu Shabangu

Twitter : @Pumza_Shabangu

Insta : @pumzashabs

Contact any of the above for my other

published books
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be
reproduced in any form or by electronic or
mechanical means, including information storage
and retrieval systems, without the written
permission from the author, except for the brief
quotations in a book review.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters,

places, and incidents either are the product of the
author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and
any resemblance to the actual person, living or
dead, business establishments, events, or locales is
entirely coincidental.
Also by Pumza Shabangu :
• Unspoken Truth (MM romance)
• Ravaged Souls (MM and FM romance)
• Strum My Pain (MF romance)
• Something About You (MM romance)
• Strumlet (MF romance)
The above books are edited, published and
available at all major books stores in RSA
The author has books on Kindle Amazon and
a Facebook page where she writes : Stories by
Pumza Shabangu.
These books are intended for adult readers as
they contain explicit sexual content.

COMING SOON :
• Chains That Bind
• Save My Soul
• Rain Clouds Linger

PDFs AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE

• Three Is a Crowd
• Blurred Lines
Two Sides

Zukiswa

My heart has been galloping the entire evening. I pace the

hospital hall, wearing a hole in the gleaming tiles. I glance
at Ntando who sits in a chair, his stoic face trained to the
floor. He hasn’t said much since we got to the hospital. He
only barked a few questions at the receptionist when we
arrived then it’s been silence.
“How hard is it for anyone to tell us something?” I direct
at him for the hundred time. I wish I could’ve have
changed the stupid dress I’m wearing. It seems
inappropriate in this place.
“Baby’” I whirl at my mom’s voice and my eyes sting as I
see my parents walk through the waiting area. “We came as
soon as we could.” She wraps her arms around me and
hold me tight.
“We had to wait for Bonolo to watch the kids.” My dad
explains his anxious face searching mine. “What
happened?” I let go of mom and flung myself in daddy’s
arms. I see my mom move to Ntando who hasn’t even
move at seeing my parents.
“They say it was a hit and run, they suspect a drunk driver
who skipped a red robot,” I mumble against his chest.
Soaking in his strength. I need it because my body feels
like it’s about to splint apart into pieces.
“What’s the news?” he runs his hands up and down my
back. I shake my head just as a doctor in scrubs walks out.
Ntando stands and joins my parents and me.
“Good evening,” the man nods at us. “I am doctor Smith.
You must be the Ndlovu family.”
“I’m his wife and these are my parents and his nephew.” I
swallow. “How is he?”
“There is bruising in the spine, fortunately no permanent
damage. He’ll have to use a wheelchair for a while, while
he heals to avoid further damage. Some physical therapy
after a few weeks.” I let out a shaky breath and dad’s arm
tightens around my shoulder.
“What are you not telling us?” Ntando’s deep voice echoes
in the vast passage.
“He has also suffered head trauma, due to the nature of
the impact. There is some substantial swelling in the brain.
We won’t know the extent of the damage until the swelling
goes down.”
“How bad is this?” My father asks because my throat feels
like I swallowed sand.
“He is under medical induced comma at this moment. It
will help him to heal without putting more strain on his
body. But as I said, we will know more when he wakes.”
“Can we see him?” I croak.
“Yes, but only for a few minutes. “You can go home
afterward. Nothing else you can do for him at this stage.” I
nod. And the doctor gives us a reassuring smile before he
walks away.
“He’ll be fine baby.” My mom mumbles.
“Are you going in or should I?” Ntando asks.
“You can go in.” He gives me a clipped nod and walks
through. I move to take his vacated seat and my parents
follow and we wait in silence as I try to gather my wits. A
few minutes later Ntando walks out his eyes bloodshot. I
don’t wait to think about it, I shrug my parents' arms off
and head to the ward.
The room is quiet except for the beeping sound from the
ultrasound machine by his bed. He has cubes coming out
of his mouth and nostrils. If not for his body riddled with
hospital equipment you wouldn’t guess there was anything
wrong with him. When my knees suddenly shake, I pull a
chair by his bed and drop on it. My shaking hand grabs his
laying limply on the bed. I bring the back of his hand to
my lips and kiss it. He feels warm and that’s reassuring. My
heartbeat competes with the beeping sounds as it gallops
against my ribs.
“Hey, baby.” I clear my throat. “I’m here. You are going to
pull through this. Do you hear me?” my demanding voice
is met with silence. But I continue to speak to him. I tell
him how much I love him. How I am nothing without
him.
“You are my lifeline baby. Bear that in mind,” I chuckle as
tears stream down my face. “There is no me without you
and I’m not exaggerating.” A few minutes later a nurse
walks in and tells me it’s time to go. My heart is heavy as I
walk out of the room. I’m surprised to see a worried Aza
with her fiancé, waiting with my family.
“Who called you?” it comes out without a filter. Nhla
would want her here and I should reign in my pettiness but
I’m too numb to care.
“Ntando called me. How is he?” she ignores my barb.
“He is resting. The nurse says we need to allow him space
to recover.” She nods.
“I’m sorry Zukiswa.” She croaks.
“He is not dead!” I snap and Bondeko places his arm on
her shoulder as if to protect her from me. I don’t want
pity; I want my husband back. Aza doesn’t say anything
but I see the annoyance in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m
stressed.” She nods
“Let’s take you home, Nontombi.” My father urges.
Ntando clears his throat. “I’ll drive her.” My dad grabs his
shoulder in gratitude and we all head out. My parents
huddle together, Aza in her man’s arms and Ntando and I
walking solo like lost souls. We part with the rest after
quick hugs and head towards where he parked in silence.
He doesn’t say anything as he opens the door for the
Range Rover he drives.
We ride in silence until we get to the house. Seeing the
empty space next to my car is jarring. Nhla’s car should’ve
been parked there. I fight the tears that threaten to fall and
get off the car. The house is eerily quiet and I leave
Ntando without looking backward and head to my room.
He knows what to do. He has a room here and he doesn’t
need a babysitter.
“Can I get you something to drink?” he calls out his deep
tone that takes some getting used to resonating through
the empty house. I shake my head and continue climbing
the stairs.
Our bedroom is dimly lit, with a few of my clothes
scattered on the bed from my earlier date preparation. It
was only a few hours ago when I thought I would return to
this room with my husband’s hands all over me. That is if
we would’ve even made it to the bedroom. Now I’m met
with silence and a faint scent of his cologne. I head to the
shower first because if I sit on the bed I’ll not get up. It’s
hard for me to unzip the dress. If only Nhla was here to
help do it. A sob sneaks out of me and out of frustration I
pull hard at the dress and hear a satisfying rip. Then I let it
drop to the floor and head to the bathroom for a long
shower. The hot water doesn’t help in easing my coiled
muscles or my frozen heart. Only when the water turns
tepid, I walk out of the shower. I don’t bother with lotion
as I crawl under the covers, chasing Nhlakanipho’s scent.
“God, please do take him from me. I swear to you I will
not survive it.” The threat to the almighty echoes in the
silence of the room. I don’t know when I fall asleep but
I’m jarred awake by a sharp knock on the door. At first, I
stretch for Nhlakanipho. He needs to attend to his kids at
the door. Why are they knocking? They don’t usually
knock then it all comes rushing like a bucket of ice water.
Nhla isn’t here. He is fighting for his life and I’m here
drooling into the pillow. That thought has me scrambling
to my feet. A cool breeze caresses my body and I realise, I
never closed the balcony door and I’m naked. Another
knock has me running for the walk-in closet to grab a
morning gown. I wrench the door open to see whoever the
hell it is from the other side. Ntando has his hand midway
about to deliver another sharp rap. He pins with his
bloodshot eyes and my body shivers at the glimmer of fear
in them.
“The hospital just called.” He rasped. My heartbeat stalls
for a second and then lodges itself in my throat.
“Why didn’t they call me.” I tighten the robe around me as
a chill settle in my bones.
“They did, I think your phone is off. We need to go sis
Zuki.” I hear a faint panic in his tone. But I can never be
too sure. Ntando is always closed off like a solid wall. The
only time you ever see him show any emotions is with the
kids.
“Did they say why?” my stomach is coiled and my body is
shivering. Ntando shakes his head. “I’ll get ready. Please
call daddy.” I instruct as I go back to the room. I don’t
bother with a shower, I change into sweatpants, hoodie,
and comfortable sneakers and I’m off running to the door.
Ntando is pacing the living room floor when I walk down
and when he sees me, he grabs his wallet and keys.
“Baba, says he will meet us at the hospital” he opens the
door for me and allows me to go out first. “Ma, is staying
with the kids, Bonolo had an early flight.” I absently nod
throughout his update. I don’t even pay attention as he
opens the car door for me. My mind is wilding. An early
call can’t be good, can it?
“Ntando, why are they calling?” I ask again as the hospital
comes into view.
“I don’t know.” He grinds his jaw and his fingers tighten
on the steering wheel. He is thinking the same things I’m
thinking. Dad arrives at the same time we do and we find
parking in the same space. He seems as dishevelled and as
worried as we are and that isn’t reassuring.
“Nontombi,” he says as he opens the side of my door and
pulls me in a tight hug.
“Let’s go inside.” I don’t want to be comforted. We don’t
yet know what has happened. They can’t be looking at me
like that. I march towards the entrance and quick word at
the reception has us directed to where we need to be. We
find Dr. Smith already waiting by the waiting room. He
approaches and stands before us. I can’t read his face. I
reach out a grab a hand by me and someone does catch me
and tighten their hold in a punishing grip.
“Mrs Ndlovu, he is awake.” The doctor gives a strained
smile as the breath whooshes out of my chest enough to
make me stumble.
“Thank God,” I hear my dad besides me and I realise he
isn’t the one holding my hand. Ntando is.
“He is asking for you,” the doctor continues. I pull out of
Ntando’s grip and make to go but the doctor’s tone stops
me
“There are some complications.” Dread settles in my gut
once more.
“What complications?”
“The impact to his head was brutal. It may have affected a
nerve.”
“What are you saying doctor?”
“He is blind. Your husband can’t see.” I blink at him,
trying to absorb the words he says. I’m grateful he is alive,
a big part of me rejoices just in that. He can’t see, so what?
He is alive and that’s what matters. “We will monitor him
to determine the extent of the damage.”
“I’d like to see my husband please.” I interrupt him. He
nods and leads me to his ward. My knees knock together
as I follow him. Blind. We can deal with it. He’ll learn to
cope and there must be surgeries. I realise we’ve entered
his ward when the doctor speaks.
“I’ll give you a moment.” He says. I nod and scan the
room until my eyes land on my husband lying still on the
single bed. The hospital sheets cover him to his waist and
he is wearing the hospital gown. My gaze lands on his face
and I’m startled to see him with eyes open, blinking.
“Zuki,” he whispers, his voice sounds unsure.
“Yes, baby. I’m here,” I croak. He stretches out his hand
towards me and I rush to grab it. He tightens his grip
“I can’t see,” there is panic note in his voice. “Baby, I can’t
see.” His eyes continue to blink rapidly.
“I know.” I run my hand over his knuckles. The touch is
supposed to reassure him but I need it more than he does
“What am I going to do? How do I live like this?”
“You’ll adjust baby. At least you are alive.” He pulls his
hand out of my grasp and closes his eyes, turning the other
way.
“I’d like to be alone now. I feel tired.”
“Baby?” I’m confused. Did I say something wrong? “I can
wait here while you sleep. Actually that’s what I’ll do.” I sit
back on my chair. Making myself comfortable.
“Zuki, please leave.” The demand is delivered in a low
tone but it is harsh and it’s piercing.
“I rather I didn’t.”
“Leave!” he roars and I flinch. The chair scrapes on the
wooden floor as I push it back stumbling to my feet. I take
one more look at him and he is not even facing my
direction. I walk out and find Ntando and my father just
outside the ward with worried faces.
“How is he?” Ntando asks.
“Angry.” I absently reply.
“It’s the fear of the unknown.” The doctor says from
behind me. “It’s going to take time and patience for your
husband to adjust to his new normal. Most patients revert
to anger and resentment or even fall into depression. It’s a
lot to take in but with the right support he could fully
function with his blindness.”
“You make it sounds so final.” I snap. “Is there nothing
that can be done to correct this?”
“There are surgeries. They are not always successful. It will
also take a while before we can perform one as he requires
to completely heal from the impact which could take
months. And in those months he’ll be living his life outside
this hospital care. Hence your husband needs to learn the
skills of how to navigate his life without his sight.” He
pulls out a card from his pocket. “This centre is very good
and well equipped to help. They’ll train him and he can
take braille lessons.” This is a lot to take. I feel dizzy trying
to catch up. I fall into a chair by the waiting room and
listen to my dad and Ntando asking questions I should be
asking. But a lump has suddenly lodged itself in my throat.
This is a lot to take in. We’ll have to adjust everything
drastically. The access to the house. God, can he still work?
Shame crawls through me when I realise, I’d never cared
much for blind people. Their world didn’t interest me. So I
didn’t know much about their way of life, the skills they
need to live in this bustling world. But I’ll learn. For
Nhlakanipho I have to.
This is how I find myself in his home office later in the
afternoon researching. Dr Smith had given us a bit of
hope. There could be surgeries in the future, once he was
healed enough for them to perform the procedure. Or his
sight loss could be temporary, it could return on its own.
But, there was that one chance that it was permanent. I
pray to God that it isn’t. Nhlakanipho is such a proud man
and it will take a lot for him to accept the kind of help he
will need. A knock sounds at the door and Ntando pushes
the door open. It’s always jarring to see him. He is a
younger version of my husband. With an edge. Everything
about him is more. His eyes skitter everywhere but me, his
usual behaviour.
“I made lunch,” he clips.
“Thank you but I’m not hungry.” My eyes are glued on the
laptop before me. I don’t see him approach until his hand
appears before me pushing the laptop closed. I blink up at
him shocked at his audacity.
“You’ve been locked up in here for hours. You will not
absorb all this information in one day. You need to eat.”
“Ntando, you don’t get to demand shit from me.” I
internally cringe at my use of vulgar. I’m not that person
but Ntando pushes all my awkward buttons.
“Someone has to take care of you.” He rasps. I look away
from his penetrating gaze. Like he can see through me.
Sees all my fears and insecurities. I’ve always thought about
that whenever I’d catch him looking at me. His rare stare
was unsettling.
“Your uncle will be home in two days; we need to
prepare.” I reopen my laptop.
“And we will.” He has moved to sit on the edge of my
desk and puts the laptop out of my reach. My gaze lands
on his solid thighs before me. He has never lost his hard
body from playing rugby. Why in the world am I noticing
my nephew’s body? I push the chair back and get on my
feet.
“Fine, I’ll eat.” If only to keep him off my case. He follows
me to the Dining room where he has the dining room set
with two plates filled with healthy wraps. There is a bowl
of salad, a bottle of wine and juice. I go straight for the
wine and pour myself a glass. I need to settle the worry
that has housed itself in my gut since the hospital. I take a
bite from the small wrap and flavour explodes in my
mouth. It’s a chicken wrap with avo and a layer of lettuce
with cheese and robot peppers. But it’s the sauces he used
that makes it more. I devour the one half without looking
up and go for the other one. Only when my plate is empty
do I look up to grab the glass of wine. I find his eyes
locked on mine with a deep frown marring his forehead.
“What?’ I shrug. “I was hungry.” He slightly shakes his
head as if coming from a trance.
“Nothing,” he clears his throat and begins eating.
Ntando

The next few days in our home, well my uncles home, take
some getting used to. I’ve come from trying to avoid being
around Zuki to now be constantly in her space. Making
sure she eats, or bathes or even goes to sleep. I’ve taken
time off. I’ve been due for leave for a while anyway. But
something is sitting unsettling in the pit of my stomach,
will the month off be enough time? The news of uncle’s
accident came as a shock but the aftermath is a devastating
blow. Trust me, I’m happy he is alive. I wouldn’t survive
another sudden loss. I barely survived the first one. The
was a moment two days ago, when I was sitting in a
hospital chair waiting for news that I had felt a deep sense
of loss, it had threatened the progress of the past years.
But now we have his sudden disability to deal with. At this
moment his wife isn’t dealing. I’m worried about her and
I’m scared at the same time that my inconvenient crush, if
I could call it that, will be revealed and that could fuck up
the only family I have. I can’t have that.
My phone beeps on the side stand and I stretch over and
grab it. It’s a message from the only friend I managed to
make in high school, Kwanele. A school that I had felt like
a fish out of water. Had it not been for Kwanele and his
family I would’ve drowned. Pity they had to migrate to
Australia after matric. Thanks to my job and technology,
we still keep in constant touch. He is probably not happy
with me though since I left his messages hanging two days
ago. I open the message and scroll through the worried
texts until the last one.
|dude, don’t make me come to
Johannesburg! | I chuckle as I type out a reply. He
would too. He just started as an intern doctor, supper busy
and I haven’t seen him in months. Even on my last flight
to Australia, he wasn’t able to get away from work.
|No need for that. Unless you really
miss me| I send.
|Thank fuck, you are alive! How is
your uncle? | he replies. I kind of feel bad that I’ve
left him hanging for so long.
|He lives, thank God but there is some
damage. He lost his eye sight and
there might be bruising on the spine. |
|Shit, that sucks man. But have faith,
modern medicine has had breakthroughs.
|
|We are hopeful. How is work? | I change
the subject because I don’t like the darkness that
approaches at the thought of Uncle Nhla not regaining his
eyesight. What would his life be like? How would my life
be like? I can feel an unspoken looming expectation in the
air. It twists at my insides thinking about it.
|It sucks man. I swear the word intern is
a synonym for slave| Kwa, sends me a string of
texts bitching about his job. Then he asks me what I had
been hoping he wouldn’t.
|How are things between you and your
aunt? | first, I always cringe when I hear Zuki referred to
me as my aunt. Of course she should be she is my aunt but
it makes shame crawl up my spine for the way I feel about
her. What exactly do you feel about her? I frown at the
unbidden thought. I never had to examine my feelings just
that she always made me nervous, something unfamiliar
always tugged at me and I always feared that it would ruin
our family if I explored my feeling for her. I know I love
my uncle, without a shadow of the doubt. I didn’t get
sweaty hands around him or my heart didn’t wildly beat
against my chest and I didn’t have vague dreams about
him. Gross even thinking about it. So when that happened
to me at fifteen, about my aunt. She wasn’t my aunt then, I
ran. School helped and I decided distance was better
before whatever I felt bloomed into something more.
Something scarier. Something that could destroy our
family. I remember when I first shared my thoughts with
Kwa, he’d reassured me that those were normal feelings
for a teenager. He reminded me that Zukiswa wasn’t
actually my blood and she was the only female around
while I was still grieving my mother. What I felt for her
didn’t feel motherly, so I made a plan. Don’t get close to
her! Avoid her at all cost! Over the years my planned
attitude towards her seemed to work. She stopped trying
and pulled back. Uncle Nhla had hated the divide.
Implored me to try harder. Reassured me of my place in
his life and that Zuki wouldn’t threaten that. If he knew
what my treacherous body felt towards his wife, he would
have banished me. But also, it never felt sexual, just odd.
|Things are cool. I haven’t embarrassed
myself. |yet

|Have you examined your feelings for her

now that you’re older? | I frown at Kwani’s
response and search my mind. How have I been feeling
towards my aunt lately? Concerned. Yes. Rightly so, right?
We are not close so there isn’t much time spent between
us. But there is a need still to take care of her. Should I
worry about that? Is that normal to care for someone you
aren’t related to?
|I haven’t, actually. |
|Maybe you should explore them. You might
be running away from your family for
something that isn’t there. | My chest tightens
at his words. A feeling I’m not willing to explore.
|Maybe| I change the conversation to Kwanele’s dating
life. He has the nurses eating out of the palm of his hands.
That’s always been the difference between my friend and I,
he dated I didn’t. Sex wasn’t a top of my list. I sometimes
felt abnormal. Kwanele also had many friends besides me,
I didn’t. He was my only friend. You could say I was a
boring human being. That’s why I sometimes envied my
uncle and his easy going nature. Why couldn’t I be like
him. He was kind, fun, and loved life. He had plenty of
friends and he thrived in his business. I was uptight, aloof
and with one friend, who lived in another continent. How
sad was that? I shake my head and close of the
conversation with Kwanele. I stretch on the bed and turn
my head to the window. The light filters through the
curtains. The guest room is nice and airy not heavy with
décor, including the curtains. Well not the guestroom per
se, it’s been my room since Uncle Nhla and his family
bought the house. Just because I don’t use it much doesn’t
mean it’s not mine. I slide off the bed and go to the
bathroom. I sigh as I look at my tired face in the mirror of
the en-suite bathroom. I feel destabilised without work to
go to and I haven’t been to gym in three days which would
explain my fatigued body.
The house is eerily silent, usually Khanya and Azaphe are
making noise in the kitchen but now my footsteps echoes
as I head for the kitchen. I switch on the kettle and prepare
a cup of coffee before making breakfast. Any moment
Zuki will walk down the stairs as we get ready to go to the
hospital. Uncle Nhla has to go through some tests to see if
his other injuries are as bad as his eyesight. I don’t think
he’d survive immobility with his blindness, that would just
be a cruel blow.
“Morning,” my head turns at the mumbled greeting and
my hand flex around the warm cup of coffee.
“Sis Zuki,” I mumble back. She doesn’t say anything as she
shuffles into the kitchen in an oversized t-shirt and
leggings. I’m assuming the shirt is Uncle Nhla. I drop my
gaze and sip my coffee in silence. There is so many things
we could talk about. I wish our relationship was easy going
but I can’t seem to get the words out of my mouth.
The kitchen is silent again and when I look up she is gone.
I release a slow breath and take my coffee outside. The sky
is so clear, not a cloud insight. The morning cool air
caresses my arm as I edge towards the pool. I take another
huge breath and slowly release. I wish I wasn’t this
awkward person. It wasn’t just Zuki I got tongue tied with.
Just about everyone. That’s why I loved my job, didn’t
need to do much talking. It was always me and the captain
in the cockpit and the captains were the ones in charge. I
had as little interactions with the flight crew as could
manage. Never had to speak or even interact with
passengers.
People in general are complicated and I never had the right
words to say so I keep quiet. Keep to myself and do my
own thing. I’m fortunate I connected with Kwanele.
Outside of Uncle Nhla, he’d been the first person I
connected to after my mother died. The full ache, in my
heart reminds of the greatest loss of life. Sometimes I still
wake up and get a whiff of her scent as she tried to wake
me up for school. She’d already be dressed for work
because she had to leave early. Always. She came back late
too, with two jobs to hold down, her life had been hectic.
With so much time she spent working you’d think we
never had time together but we did. She made sure of it.
Whenever we were together it was quality time, her smiles
were infectious and they still linger in my memory, her
hugs, God, I could stay and soak in them forever.
Sometimes I imagine the ghostly arms around me and the
warmth of her chest as I bury my head in it. Her food, no
one made food taste as she did. I blink as something drops
in my cup, tepid cup of coffee. I blink and find my eyes
wet. It’s a tear. I furiously wipe my cheek. Why the hell am
I crying? My phone rings in my pocket and causes me to
jump sloshing the coffee all over my hand.
“Dammit!” I place the cup besides and me and fish out my
phone. It’s Baba.
“Hello Baba.”
“Hello son, how are you?” my heart constricts at the way
he calls me son. He isn’t my father. He is Zuki’s father but
outside of Uncle Nhla he is the only other father I know.
The only other person who had seen beyond the hard
exterior and new there was a scared, damaged little boy
inside.
“Hanging in there.” I clear my gruff voice. “How are you
and Ma doing? And the kids?”
“We are holding up, son. The kids are fine. They are
worried especially Lisakhanya. It would be good to see
their father.”
“Let’s see what the doctors say before we do that.” I don’t
want my cousins traumatised by the sight of their father
like I was. No child has to see their parents in the claws of
death. I shudder at the thought.
“How is your aunt?”
“Hanging in there.” We both sigh. We both know what’s
up. Zuki isn’t handling this well and the only thing that will
help is to have her husband well and out of that hospital.
No amount of encouragement from any of us will help.
“We won’t go to the hospital with you but keep us
informed, will you.”
“Of course Baba.”
“Good. Take care of yourself too. son.”
“I will Baba.” He hangs up. I pick up the cold cup and
discard the remnants of the coffee and head back to the
house. I’m startled by my aunt’s from behind me as I close
the sliding door.
“I need you to arrange contractors to ready the guest room
down here.” She passes me a note. “I’ve written down the
list of things to be done.” I quickly scan the list in my
hand, it’s a lot to be done and it will take me the whole day
to supervise. Though, the guys from my uncle’s company
shouldn’t require much supervising. I look up to find my
aunt zipping her bag by the dining room table. I can see
she is ready to head out.
“I thought I’d drive you.”
“No need. I am capable of driving myself Ntando.” She
sounds so cold. She has never been cold towards me. Gave
me a wide berth, yes but never cold. It’s not about you
Ntando. A quiet voice berates me.
“I’d still want to go.”
She sighs, “I’d really like you to stay and see this done.”
She sounds dejected. “I would do it myself if I didn’t need
to be in hospital.” Her eyes become bright as tears cling to
her lashes. I suddenly feel like the worst scum. I drop my
gaze and nod.
“Of course, I’ll have it done.” She nods. “Baba, called.”
She sighs.
“I’ll call him back when I know more.” I watch her leave.
Her pasture stiff as she grabs the car keys. I’m suddenly
left alone in this huge house. The laughter and screams of
the kids haunts the passages. I still need coffee. I make
another cup, sip it while I go through my emails. Nothing
much is happening there.
An hour after my aunt left the intercom buzzes. The
construction workers are here. It becomes a flurry of
activity in the house. I try and stay out of their way while I
make myself available at the same time. It’s a tricky one.
They build a ramp for the wheelchair upfront and on the
patio, and the room is being revamped, bathroom is made
more accessible and suitable for someone in a wheelchair.
Furniture is strategically placed so it’s out of the way.
These guys know what they are doing and they work in
different teams. It’s almost evening when they finish. My
aunt hasn’t returned and there hasn’t been any calls from
her. I make myself useful by preparing dinner. Fish and
steamed vegetables. I don’t know what my aunt likes but I
like eating healthy. This body doesn’t maintain itself. But I
hate cooking.
Just as I switch off the stove preparing to plate the food,
my aunt walks in, looking haggard. She hasn’t seen me yet
as she places her handbag on the dining room table. The
house in an open plan, the wide kitchen opens to the
dining room which leads to the lounge. Also from the
other side of the kitchen, there is a passage that leads to a
study then a guestroom. Which is where my uncle will be
sleeping until he recovers.
“How is he?” my voice echoes and my aunt jumps at the
sound of my voice. She looks up and I can see how tired
she is with the dark marks under her eyes. She shakes her
head as if to clear her mind. She pulls a chair and drop
down.
“It’s a tough one Ntando. There is bruising in the spine.
He’ll be using the wheelchair for a bit but the doctors
reassure me that there isn’t permanent damage, a couple of
weeks or so. He should be walking.” I quickly dish up and
take our plates to the dining room. I place here’s before
her and mine opposite her. “I’m not hungry.” She protests.
“You still need to eat.” I return to the kitchen for drinks.
“What would you like to drink?” I look through the fridge
contents. There is juice, bottled water and soda cans.
“A glass of wine, please.” I close the fridge and face the
built in wine rack on the kitchen wall.
“White or Red?” I don’t drink much, but I know fish goes
with white, but some people just prefer red.
“I prefer red, there is a Malbec in there, I hope.” I search
through the labels and find the collection of Malbec from
different wineries. I pour two glasses and pass one to her.
“Thanks,” she mutters. She takes a few bites of her food
and drink more of the wine. “Did the contractors do a
good job?” she asks after a stretch of nothing but a
clanking cutlery.
“Yes, they are done.” He eyes widen.
“Already?” I nod. “That was fast.”
“It’s their boss and people love Uncle Nhla.” She swallows
hard.
“Yea, they do.” She pushes the food around her place
while sipping on her wine every now and then. Her
shoulders folding in on her body. I just want to get up and
pull her in my arms.
“Eat aunty.” I say instead. A ghost of a smile teases her
lips.
“Strange.” I can barely here her.
“What is?” she looks up, there is a bit of warmth behind
those tired eyes.
“You, calling me aunty.” She chuckles as I frown. “It’s
always ‘Sis Zuki’ she spits out as she mimics me. Like the
‘Sis Zuki’ is a curse. Shame crawls through my spine
around to my chest.
“That’s not how I call you.” There is sadness in her eyes as
she holds my gaze. My gut tightens. I drop my eyes and
take a huge sip of the wine. What does she see in my eyes
when she looks at me?
“I sometimes wonder what I did to make you hate me.”
She whispers. My chest tightens. I look up, her glass is
finished and she is pouring a refill. Her cheeks are slightly
flushed and her eyes brighter.
“I don’t hate you, aunty.” Quite the opposite.
“Then what it is it?” She takes another sip and her tongue
snake out to lick her bottom lip. My eyes follow the
movement. Thankfully my body doesn’t react. It never
does. I look away. What can I say to her? I can’t even
explain myself. Is it lust? Crush? Or motherly yearning? My
heart revolts, she isn’t my mother. No one can ever take
her place.
“That’s the scowl I’m used to,” she says and I blink.
“Daniel called me today.” I blink again to clear my
confusion. Before I realise she is talking about Uncle
Nhla’s friend and business partner.
“Everything okay at work?” She closes her eyes as she
slowly seeps her wine. Goodness, she looks exhausted.
“I don’t know, to be honest I haven’t been keeping up
with business, you know with two toddlers and all.”
“I understand. But what did Daniel want?” they all refused
me calling them uncle when I returned from pilot school.
They said I made them look old, only my uncle was
allowed to grow old. Uncle didn’t mind me calling him
uncle, he took pride in it.
“There is an emergency board meeting tomorrow. He
requires me to attend.”
“I’ll visit Uncle Nhlakanipho tomorrow so you can go.”
She is already vehemently shaking her head.
“No, I need to be my husband’s side.” She wraps her arms
around her chest. “Besides, I don’t know anything about
his business.”
“You know better than most, aunty. You worked in
construction before.” I gently remind her.
“That was years ago and I wasn’t in management.”
“This is Uncle’s business aunty. Someone has to safeguard
his interest.” I implore.
“Well why don’t you attend the meeting then?” she snaps.
I drop my gaze to my plate. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired.”
Suddenly all the energy has zapped out her. “I am actually
doing a poor attempt of asking you to go instead. I
wouldn’t be any good there Ntando.”
I could argue that I don’t know anything about running a
business or construction. I am a pilot for fucks sakes. “I’ll
go.” I mumble instead.
“Thank you.” Her chair scrapes as she gets on her feet
with her glass of wine in hand. “I’ll turn in.” She grabs the
unfinished bottle and silently walks away. I feel a headache
coming. I press the heels of my palms one my eyes and feel
it pounding behind closed eyelids. I discard the rest of the
bitter herb in the sink. It wouldn’t do to aggravate the
headache. After clearing the dishes, I leave them in the
dishwasher and clear the kitchen.
By the time I get to my room, I’m exhausted. Not
physically, I haven’t done any work to cause that but
emotionally, my blocks are heading for collapse. In the
bathroom I fish out the tablets in my toiletry bag and
swallow one dry as I step under the shower. What am I
going to do? What the hell does a pilot do at a
construction company. A persistent voice keeps reminding
me that this is a group effort. Raj and Daniel have invested
interest in the business. They are both uncle Nhlakanipho’s
friends. But as I slide under the cool covers I still feel a
sense of apprehension like I’m about to get on a runaway
train.
Ntando

NRD Construction head office is in the renovated part of

down town. Most buildings are revamped and it’s all
constructions, engineering and IT companies. I’m ashamed
to admit that I haven’t been in the offices in years. Maybe
since I was in high school and it was only once. It’s a
beautiful modern building like any other. A bit
disappointing not to stand out if you are in construction.
The doors slide open as I approach and straight ahead
there is a reception area with a petit lady with no nonsense
hair bun sitting behind the desk. Her long eyelashes flutter
as I approach.
“Good morning, I’m here to see Daniel.” She blinks, I
can’t help it my voice always comes off clipped when I’m
nervous.
“Do you have an appointment?” She types on her laptop
in front of her.
“He is expecting me.” Her hand pauses over the keyboard.
“And who should I say is here?”
“Ntando Ndlovu.” Her back straightens as she swallows.
“Oh, you must be here for the board meeting, Sir. My
apologies I didn’t recognise you.”
“No need to apologise, Ms, we have never met.”
 She stretches her hand towards me, “Eva Clarence.” Here
is the thing, I am a bit of a germophobe. I don’t like
shaking hands so much. She drops her hand at my
hesitation and her ears bloom pink. “The boardroom in on
the 6th floor room D. She waves towards the elevator. I
nod and stride towards the lift. My belly trembles with
nerves. Am I going to have to speak at this thing? Or am I
called in as an observer or a prop? I don’t mind being a
prop.
The elevator opens into a quiet floor. There is another
reception area but this one is empty. I hesitate before
heading down a passage. Closed doors on one side and
long windows on the other with a view of the city. The
doors have name plates on them. I pass a few with names I
don’t recognise, Finance Director, HR, Operations then I
see Daniel Krull Managing Director and Head of
Engineering, Raj Suleman Managing Director and Head of
Marketing Divisions, Nhlakanipho Ndlovu Managing
Director and CEO. The passage curves and its boardroom
after boardroom until I’m standing in front of Boardroom
D. I can see through the open blinds of the wide windows
the few people seated. My hands are sweaty and I adjust
my tie. I wear uniform for a living so the suit isn’t a
problem but my nerves are.
“Are you going to stand here and watch from the outside
or will you open the door?” I whirl around at a friendly
voice behind me.
“Uncle Lunga!” The high note in my tone surprises even
me while Lunga winces.
“Gees. Now I feel ancient.”
“Sorry,” I mumble. I look him up and down in his charcoal
slim fitting suit and a crisp white shirt. I’d never seen him
this formal before and it takes some adjusting. He has one
hand in his suit pocket and another holding a soft leather
briefcase. He waves it to the door.
“Well, are you going in?” right. The meeting. I knock once
and push the door open. The four pairs of eyes turn to
look at us. The only face I recognise in Daniel. He stands
with a strained smile on his face.
“Ntando? I was expecting Zuki.” He says.
“With her husband, Daniel.” There is a warning hint in
Lunga’s tone. Daniel looks chastised a bit.
“As she should.” He gestures towards empty seats. “It’s
just with Raj not here as well and well.” His thought trails.
“We can fill Ntando in on what needs to be done. I’m
here, you are here.” Lunga says as he opens his briefcase.
“You are right.” Daniel concedes. “Well, Ntando, this is
Michelle, from Operations and Designs, Nomzamo from
IT and Tembeka from Finance.” Each person smiles
politely at me as Daniel introduces them. “Some members
of the team are away on business. I wanted to do the quick
introduction they won’t be part of the meeting.” They all
shuffle to their feet, with a hand shake they murmur their
‘pleasure meeting you’ and leave. Only Lunga, Daniel and I
remain. Daniel adjusts his tie as if restricting wind pipe.
“Are you up for this Ntando?” I shift on my seat.
“Up for what?”
Daniel glances at Lunga and then back at me. “CEO
interim. Didn’t Zuki tell you?” my heart gallops.
“No.” I swallow “She only told me you needed a family
representative in a meeting.”
Daniel sighs. “We need more than that. We have
contingency plans in place in the event of unfortunate
circumstances, each of us as owners will always have a
family representative, at the helm.”
“I still don’t follow.”
“Zuki was the first on Nhla’s list and you are the second.
Until he is recovered, you’ll have to take over as CEO.”
“What?” I whip my head between the two my eyes feeling
wide as saucers. “Guys. I am a pilot unless being a CEO
means flying planes, I am not suitable for the position.”
“Trust me Ntando, I know but with Raj’s absence and
myself needing to go away for a while to Australia, we can’t
afford to leave the company in a stranger’s hands. We are
already struggling as is in the market. A Ndlovu is needed
at the helm.”
“Then Zuki is more suitable.”
“You know she isn’t in the right frame of mind to do this.”
Lunga speaks for the first time. I sigh.
“Why are you leaving when a company is in crisis?” I ask
Daniel my tone biting.
“Trust me, I wouldn’t if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. We
have a small branch there and I’m the face of it,
unfortunately and I’m needed.”
“Why can’t Raj take over?”
“Raj is in rehab, Ntando. Drug addiction.” Lunga answers.
My heart sinks. There is really no other choice?
“There are people who will help you run things, they’ve
been doing this for years. It’s a great team and Lunga as
the company lawyer will be here to assist with all legal
documents. I’ll be a phone call away. We are looking for
new business. Nhlakanipho has been in the process of
meeting with Bengu Inc., to secure his services but the
man has a rule about majority black owned businesses. It
wouldn’t help to take me as the face of the company.”
Daniel makes a self-deprecation face. As a white man, I
know he was very instrumental securing deals when they
formed the company but things change. More black
businesses want to uplift other black businesses. I’m not
sure about this and my tightening gut is an indication that
my body is physically rejecting all this. But what choice do
I have? I can’t let uncle Nhla down. The man put his life
on hold and made sure I was properly taken care of when
my mom died. He needs me and I’ll damn sure do a good
job of showing up for him
“Okay.” I say.
“Great then let’s get started.”
A pile of files I didn’t notice when I walked in is pushed
towards me.
“First order of business, secure Bengu Inc. as our architect
then we will stand a chance against NS Construction. If we
don’t, might as well start packing or find an even better
architect,” Daniel throws his hands in the air.
“How am I going to do that?” I ask.
“That’s why we are here,” Daniel picks up the file on top
of the pile. “Everything you need to know to prepare for
Bengu Inc. Then set up a meeting. I’m afraid to leave on
such short notice but I can’t postpone this trip any
further.” He winces.
File after file I feel like I’m on a crash course to know the
faces of the company. Who’s who, departments head,
clients and suppliers. Even though Daniel keeps telling me
their employees know what they are doing, I’ll get all the
help I need, I’m still seized with panic. I’m going to fail at
this so bad my uncle will lose his company. It’s almost
lunchtime when we lift our heads from all the work we’ve
been going through. I have a kink in my neck that refuses
to pop.
As Daniel orders lunch, I step out to stretch my legs.
There is a message on my phone from Zuki. Uncle Nhla is
being released today. I should be at home helping him
settle in. But I’m where he probably needs me to be, I just
hope I don’t botch it. The 6th floor is quite, and as I step
outside the balcony of the smoking area, I notice stairs that
lead to the roof. And of course my curiosity leads me to
them.
The air caresses face as I step out. I drag a huge breath to
fill my lungs then release. As my eyes sweep around the
surrounding view I’m hit by sense of longing for the
cockpit. There is nothing that makes me more alive than
taking to the sky. What if I may never be able to do it. I
swallow to force the thought away. I’m at a right place
though.
On my periphery, someone slides up next to me. I turn to
find Lunga, sans his jacket and tie. His crisp white shirt is
rolled up. From what I can see of his forearm and the way
his shirt stretches on his bicep, the man must work out.
Why am I surprised, uncle Nhla and his friends are an
active bunch?
“How are you doing?” he glances at me as he leans on the
roof’s railing besides me.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. I feel a lot of things but to tell
him would require me to speak more than I’m capable or
need to.
“It will be fine. I’m here, I’ve been with your uncle since
this company inception. I also know a thing or two about
this business,” he pokes my side with his elbow. I try to
smile my reassurance but it’s a weak smile.
“Thanks uncle Lunga.” He chuckles.
“How is Zuki? KG and I went by the hospital last night
but she’d already left for home.”
“I don’t think she is coping. How is Uncle? I was hoping
to go this morning but,” I shrug.
“He is battling.” He sighs. “We have a long battle ahead.
He was supposed to be released today but they have
postponed for a few days.” I didn’t know that.
Uncle Nhlakanipho is the pillar of our family. If he
doesn’t survive this our family crumbles. He has to be
alright and I don’t mean just live. We already know that
he’ll live but he has to heal. He has to regain his eyesight.
“The food should be here,” Lunga pushes off the wall.
“Let’s get back to it.” I nod. We walk side by side in silence
as we make our way back. The food is already spread on
the empty table in the boardroom. We all ordered Chinese
which apparently isn’t far from the building and staple
food for the company.
“I was about to call you,” Daniel says. “Sit, sit, before the
food gets cold.” Lunga and I slide in the chairs and each
grab a takeaway box. We both ordered the same things,
fried rice with sweet chilli chicken. I savour the meal for a
few seconds realising I haven’t eaten the whole day. When
I eventually look up, I find Lunga watching me a faint
smile teasing his lips.
“What?” I grab a serviette to wipe my mouth. “I was
hungry.” I shrug and get back to my food.
“I’m just amazed at how fast you are eating with those
chopsticks. I could never get a handle on them.” I chew
and swallow while looking at him. I notice that him and
Daniel are using forks.
“Those things are messy.” Daniel grumbles.
“What’s Thai food without the whole experience?” I say.
“It’s easy, I’ll show you.” I push my almost empty cartoon
aside and grab his chopstick. Lunga drops his fork and
looks at me. I grab his right hand. It’s warm and very soft.
“Slide in your chopstick like this.” I place the at the base,
between thumb and forefinger. “Then rest this end, over
here.” I rest it against the ring finger. “Then hold the
second like you would a pen. Use your thumb to grip
firmly.” The heat of his hand sears my skin and his warm
breath tickles my face. I’m too close to him. I don’t sit
close to people. “Keep the bottom one still and move the
top one to pick up the food. Like this.” I guide his hand
towards his container. “Keep your thumb straight and still
and use you index and forefinger to pick up the food. Try
it.” I let go of his hand, He slowly tries to pick up a small
amount. It wobbles and drops back to the cartoon. Daniels
chuckles.
Lunga groans, “This is hopeless.”
“Don’t stop.” I’m invested now. “Keep the bottom one
still. Basically it’s only the two fingers working.” He tries
again. This time he is more steady. He takes a bite then
another one. Then his face breaks into a brilliant smile. My
heart jolts.
“Wow. I’m doing it.” He tries again. I grab my own food.
“Yes you are, keep practising. That’s all it takes.” He keeps
at it until his food is finished then he looks at me with a
twinkle in his eyes.
“Thank you Ntando.” Warmth blooms in my chest and
then I suddenly feel embarrassed to have all this attention
on me. I duck my head and start clearing the table.
“I guess we need to go back to work.” I mumble. Daniel
places two short glass tumblers half filled with amber
liquid. He pushes one to me.
“We might need this before we continue.” He says. I pick
up the glass and watch the liquid swirling. I watch the two
men gulp theirs at a go with no reaction whatsoever. So I
do the same and the liquid burns as it goes down, my chest
seizes and my eyes water as I splutter while heaving a dry
cough. I feel a hand on my back soothing.
“Easy.” Lunga softly says.
“Not a whiskey drinker then?” Daniel is holding in his
laughter.
“I don’t drink.” Well, a glass of wine occasionally doesn’t
count. A bottle of water is thrust at me.
“Here drink this.” Lunga’s concern is encouraging.
“Oh shit! Are you okay man?” Daniel asks.
“Yeah.” I take a huge gulp of water. I feel embarrassed. I
should’ve known it’s whiskey. Even though I didn’t think
people drank during office hours. I mean no one dares
touch alcohol at my work place. “Knocked pride that’s all.”
The fact I’m not supposed to take heavy alcohol with my
medication. A glass of wine is okay. Hard liquor no.
“You good?” Daniel’s frown deepens. I nod.
“I’m okay.” I grab a serviette and wipe my eyes. Lunga
takes over the clearing while Daniel moves to the main
boardroom table with scattered files on it. After I’m settled
we get back to work. The office PA who had a training
session for the morning has returned and we are
introduced. Her name is Phakama, everyone calls her
Phaks. She is probably in her thirties, dressed so fine in a
slim tailored suit, you’d mistake her for the CEO.
It is late when we all leave for home and I’m exhausted
through the bone. I still feel inadequate even though
Daniel, Lunga and Phaks took me through my immediate
duties. Everyone reassures me I’ll be fine. Phaks has been
gentle in showing me where Uncle Nhla keeps everything.
I can see she loves working for my uncle by the way she
speaks highly of him. Everyone I’ve come into contact
with the entire day, shared sympathy and showed concern.
At least I wasn’t stepping into a situation of disgruntled
employees. With all the people I dealt with I felt a sense of
pride they had for working at NRD.
The house is quiet when I walk in with all the lights off. I
don’t bother to switch them on while I make my way to
my room. I need a long shower and sleep. My phone rings
as I toe off my shoes and loosening my tie. It’s Baba and I
notice a lot of unread messages as I swipe to answer. It had
been a busy day, I haven’t had time to check the numerous
missed calls and messages.
“Hello Baba.”
“Hello, son. How did today go?” I smile at his direct
approach. He has always been straightforward with me.
The first time I experienced his no nonsense approach was
when he, my uncle and Zuki, who was still a girlfriend
then, came to fetch me from a shebeen. I had been battling
my mother’s passing, seeing her die before me had given
me endless nightmares and anxieties dragging me to a dark
hole. I had been a terrified teen. I couldn’t speak to my
uncle. He was also grieving and he had Zuki to console
him, Zuki, who threatened a space in my heart that I didn’t
want her close. No woman would be my mother. I
couldn’t allow her to replace that. So I took comfort in
alcohol. It numbed me and lessened the night terrors. Baba
pulled me to the side and said “Son, you have two choices,
to die with your mother, a slow painful death for you if
you take this path or allow the people who love you to
help you and live to make her proud.” It was in that
moment, that I made a choice. I didn’t want to die but I
wanted the pain to be over. Baba helped me with the
management of pain, while Uncle Nhla helped me restart
my life. The two best man I know.
“It went okay baba.” I downplay.
“Why don’t I believe you?”
I sigh, “It’s a lot to take in.” I drop on the bed. Pressing
my eyes with my fingers.
“I know. You can’t master everything in one day and trust
me, established companies like that basically run
themselves. The people working under you know what
they are doing.”
“Yeah, that’s what Lunga and Daniel said.”
“They are right. I must caution you to not neglect
yourself.” His tone is gentle as he reminds me of my best
kept secret. He knows what I deal with and he is my
number one support. At times he urges me to tell my
family but burdening then has never been my thing. I
wanted to make a little fuss as I could be growing up.
Uncle Nhla was too young to be a father and I wanted to
be less burdening.
“I know baba.”
“Well, I’ll let you rest. Talk to you in the morning.”
“Night baba.” I throw the phone to the side and strip until
naked then pad to the shower. The warm water loosens the
knots and the stress of the day. I place my hand on the
wall and watch the water with soap suds disappearing
down the drain. I almost wish it took all my stress with. I
stand under the spray until the water turns tepid. As I step
out I have a quick though about Zuki. How is she doing?
Should I go knock and check up on her? It’s late though
and she probably is asleep after a long day. Besides, I need
to stop making a habit of going into their personal space.
I crawl under the covers and toss and turn the entire night.
I’m not sure when I do fall asleep but it’s early hours of the
morning. I almost smash my phone against the wall when
the alarm goes off. My eyes feel like there is sand in them
as I drag myself to the shower. I stand for a while under
the warm spray before I begin scrubbing my body. My
mind whirls with unanswered questions. What will today
be like? Will the staff be as kind to me as they were
yesterday without Daniel holding my hand? How is uncle
doing? The kids? Are they worried about their parent’s
absence? How is Bonolo? Uncle and aunty are her family
too. At least she still gets to do the job she loves. I feel
shitty thinking that way. I don’t begrudge her position. I
don’t regret being where I am either. I’m just terrified I’ll
mess it up. I sigh, turning the water off.
I do everything else on auto pilot, only when I’m deciding
on what to wear my brain regains its function. I’m meeting
Gcobani Bengu so I need to look good. I’ve gone through
the file Daniel left for me. Basically we need his services to
help us stand out and secure three lucrative deals that
could rescue the company and set it up for life. No
pressure. They tried before and he declined. This is the last
time and they are using me to grovel. It will probably be an
epic fail. Positive thoughts Ntando, I breathe.
I skid to a stop when I find a seemingly ready for the day
aunt, making coffee. My heart jolts and I take deep breaths
calming myself as I place my messenger bag on the kitchen
counter.
“Good morning.”
“Morning Ntando, Coffee?” I’m taken aback by her light
mood but I’m not complaining.
“Ye, please.” I slide on a barstool. And then I wrack my
mind for things to say. Granted we never have much to say
to each other but surely there is much to speak about but I
find myself tongue tied.
“How do you take you coffee?” she glances at me with a
frown.
“With warm milk and one teaspoon of sugar.” She nods,
“How did yesterday go? I’m sorry I didn’t check up on
you, yesterday got too busy at the hospital.”
“It went okay.” I lie. She has a lot to deal with and I’d like
this one thing to be the least of her problems. Hence I’m
trying to say as little as possible because I can admit at least
to myself, in trying to avoid her, I’d always been a little shit
to her. She turns and raises her eyebrow.
“Just okay?” she slides the steaming cup towards me and I
dip my head at her scrutiny and let out a nervous laugh.
“It’s a lot but I’ll get a hang of it.”
“Of course you will. You are smart and capable Ntando.”
Warmth blooms in my chest at the compliment. Word of
affirmation have always been my drug.
“How is uncle Nhla?” her shoulders drop and the light
aura around her dims at my question. I hate that I’ve
caused such a change in her.
“I don’t know Ntando.” She sighs. “We have a long road
ahead.” She wipes off the counter. “My mom will bring
him the kids today. Maybe they’ll help him get some
perspective.”
“Will they be coming back?” I miss the little rascals. The
only two human I can completely be myself with and
without judgement.
“In a week or so. I think Nhlaka will be discharged in the
next two days. I want to get him settled before I bring
them home.” I take a sip of my cup before uttering the
question that burns my tongue. Like how she is doing? It’s
stupid her husband is hurt so obviously she isn’t doing so
great. “I have to go. Good luck for today.” She squeezes
my arm as she walks past me. The slight contact has my
body going rigid. I’m glad she doesn’t notice. I finish my
coffee in contemplative silence. Trying to weed out
thoughts of my aunt. Thoughts I don’t even understand. I
used to think it’s a crush but is this how a crush feels like?
Shouldn’t it be more? Fireworks exploding? Like I ever felt
fireworks for anyone. I shake my head and rinse off my
cup. I should eat something, take my medication. But my
stomach is tied in knots it’s a miracle I managed to keep
down the coffee I just drank.
Ntando

Phaks greets me with a smile as I walk in. I try and return

the smile but I know it must look like a grimace at the way
her face dims. I don’t want to be that person but
unfortunately I am that person with zero people skills.
Hence in school I’d been duped, arrogant, offish, brooding
mess, weird. Many words have probably been used to
describe me. I walk in to uncle Nhla’s office and take a
deep breath as my eyes scan the vast office with its
minimal look. A large oak desk against the large windows,
one comfortable looking leather seat behind it and equally
two comfortable ones in front. On the desk is a modern
desktop with a few things on it and that includes four
framed photos. One of uncle Nhla and Zuki, the kids,
myself and Bonolo. I am the only one who isn’t smiling in
these photos. It’s a picture of me in my pilot uniform.
Probably one of the few pictures. I hate taking pictures. I
don’t even have social media. If I’m not studying one
aviation course or another, I read books. I don’t have time
for anything else.
I shrug of my jacket and hang it on the coat hanger in the
office. This is a lovely space I must say. Lots of light, and
freedom to move even with the sitting area on one side. I
open the bar fridge and pull out a bottle of water. Maybe it
will cool me off because I can feel sweat gathering on my
armpits. I hear a knock and before I can say anything the
door opens. I stifle my irritation when I see it’s Lunga. Had
it been anyone else’s I’d probably bite their head off. But
there is something about him that makes me want to act
right, impress him or be good for him. I frown at my
thoughts.
“Whoa, did you just swallow a lemon?”
“Morning.” I ignore his comment. I hate people who have
any form of power over me and realising Lunga might
have something over me grates my nerves. But I shrug it
off. He is my uncle’s friend. Some sort of authority
transference I suppose.
“Are you ready?” I nod but a wave of dizziness attacks me.
I have to brace my hand on the desk to get my bearings.
Lunga is beside me in a second.
“Are you okay?” His gentle touch on my elbow heats
through my skin. I nod but another wave of dizziness
assaults me. I gingerly sit on the chair with his help. “have
you eaten?” His warm breath fans my neck. I blink up at
him, trying to recollect my thoughts, concern is etched on
his forehead.
“I had coffee in the morning.” He presses a button on the
office phone.
“Phaks, please get us an assortment of pastries, coffee and
energy bars and send them in here ASAP.”
“Sure.” Phaks isn’t fazed by the command as she hangs up.
Lunga leaves my side and walks to the bar fridge. He
returns with an ice cold can of energy drink.
“Drink this in the meantime.” He shoves the can in my
hands. I mumble my thanks. He watches me until I
swallow every drop then he moves to sit on the seat in
front of the desk. “Are you usually like this when you don’t
eat?”
I shake my head, “Not really, I might have missed dinner.”
I wince.
“Why?” okay the man is persistent. I shrug.
“Take me through to what I need to know for today.” I
change the topic. I don’t like a spotlight on me. Laughter
bubbles to my throat. I’m about to be in a spotlight and
my words scrutinized in just over two hours.
“You got that under control.” My gaze fly to his.
“No I don’t!”
“Yes you do. We’ve been through this. You know what
you need to.” He angles his head to the side as he studies
me. “You are a pilot. I thought you’d have mastered a way
to cover your nerves.” My stomach sinks. Like I’ve
disappointed him somehow. I hate feeling this way. Why
should his feelings of me matter? The food arrives and my
tummy let’s out an embarrassing growl. Lunga smirks but
he doesn’t say anything, instead he fills a plate with
assortment of pastries and place it before me. “Eat.” A
chill zip up my spine at the command but I scoop forward
and devour one piece. Phaks bought coffee too. She knows
what I like from the day before. I don’t look up from my
plate for a while but when I do I find Lunga watching me.
His stare unsettles me. It’s like he sees though me
somehow. Sees places that I don’t even know about
myself. I push my almost finish plate aside and drink my
coffee.
“Done?” He asks. I nod “Then let’s go.” My tummy curls,
and I worry that my breakfast is about to come back up.
But it doesn’t. Lunga drives. A low sports car that has his
scent imbedded in the soft leather seats. I don’t see
anything on the way. But when Bhengu Towers looms
before us in all its glory my nerves return a hundred times.
If he designed this building, then I know why the company
wants him. It’s outstanding with its symmetric unique lines.
I’ve travelled a lot as a pilot but I haven’t seen anything
like it. I follow Lunga because he seems to know where he
is going. At the reception they sign us in on their system
and then produce a card that we will use for the elevator.
The lift whirs silently to the top floor where we need to be
and opens to a wide reception area. A beautiful woman sits
behind the desk furiously typing while talking on the
phone but she does look up and acknowledges us with a
smile when we walk up to him. She says wraps her call and
smiles at us.
“Good morning, how can I help you?” my tongue is my
throat and my speech capability has fled.
“NRD Construction. We have a 9 o’clock appointment
with Bhengu.” Lunga informs her.
“He will be with you in a few, please take a seat.” She
waves us in the direction of a sitting area. The space is
wide open and every piece of furniture is sophisticated.
Whoever designed this has taste. Lunga and I both take the
one seaters. I put my left leg on my knee then swap the
positions. I can’t seem to relax until Lunga’s hand lands on
my thigh. The heat that sears through my skin has my body
still and my breath catching.
“Relax,” he murmurs. “You got this.” I swallow and nod.
He looks down where his hand still remains and he quickly
moves it. I immediately miss his touch. Which is weird. I
don’t like people touching me. I have many issues, I know.
Two men come out of a closed office door oblivious to
anyone else but each other. I glance at Lunga but he is
buried on his phone screen. The dark skinned one is
slightly shorter than the light skinned one, but they are
both tall, freakishly handsome and so commanding. Even
without trying. But it’s the way they are looking at each
other as they laugh at whatever the light skinned one says,
gives me pause. It screams intimacy. I don’t have to
wonder further as they lean towards each other and kiss. I
feel like I’m intruding so I look away, my face heating. I
should be used to public display of affection, my uncle and
his wife are like that, even Baba and Ma, but seeing two
masculine man like that is new to me. It would explain the
twinge between my legs. What the fuck? Why would I react
to two men kissing? My sex has been dominant for God
knows how long, I’ve seen gay people before, I don’t live
under a rock, especially in my line of duty but I’ve never
reacted this way. It must be the nerves.
“Gentlemen, you may go through.” I look up and find the
PA smiling as she waves us towards the office the two men
had come out of. “What would you like for refreshments?”
she asks. I don’t think we would be here long but I don’t
want to be rude.
“Water, please.” I say. She smiles.
“That you’ll find in there. Anything other than water and
liquor.” She raises her eyebrow, and I can see she is trying
hard not to laugh at me. Am I that obvious I don’t know
what I’m doing?
“Coffee for me, thanks” Lunga says as he strides towards
the office.
“Me too.” The woman dismisses me with a smile and I
quickly follow Lunga into the said office. The hint of
cologne that hits me as we walk in has me taking a deep
breath. Inhaling its goodness. I am a sucker for great scent
and this one is just right. The space before me is a sight to
behold. If I thought Uncle Nhla had a big office, it has
nothing on this. On one side is the usual, large desk with
an open laptop on top and a few items alongside it. But the
other side of the room had a long table with drawings
scattered on top, lights hanging above it and then a seating
area that leads to a double door. It’s almost as if a
penthouse converted into a stylish office. As my attention
goes to the man who is standing behind the large desk, I
notice the frown on his forehead as he looks at Lunga.
“Bhengu, good to see you.”
“Poswa,” he comes around and shakes Lunga’s hand. “I’m
surprised to see you here? What is a lawyer doing at a
proposal meeting?” he glances at me. He is of similar
height with Lunga, same light complexion.
“Babysitting,” Lunga chuckles and winks at me. The term
babysitting has me seething inside. “You do know I’m the
in-house lawyer for NRD, right.”
“I know that but don’t you lawyers generally come when
contracts are involved?” I’m standing there like a statue,
my eyes bouncing between them. I didn’t expect the easy
banter and familiarity between the two men. Lunga could
have given me a heads up. Another thing that has me
annoyed at him.
“Yeah, this is a special occasion. This is Ntando Ndlovu,
an acting CEO and a representative of NRD. Ntando this
is Gcobani Bhengu.”
“Mthimkhulu.” The man corrects as he shakes my hand.
“What?” Lunga does a double take.
“Bhengu-Mthimkhulu.” He waves his left hand and only
then I notice the ring.
“I’ll be damned! Who managed to lock you down? And
why didn’t I know about this?” Gcobani shrugs and moves
to his chair.
“Well the wedding was low-key.” He looks at Lunga
pointedly, like they are in on the inside joke that I’m
clueless about. “You must not read the papers or listen to
the news. It was all over months back, huge scandal. Take
a seat.” He points at the two chairs before his desk.
“Why would it be a scandal?’ Lunga unbuttons his jacket
and drops on the chair. I can see he is interested in this
piece of news while I have many conflicting feelings as I
watch them.
“I married Bongani Mthimkhulu.”
“What the hell?” Lunga is almost shouting. Mr Bhengu
winces. I feel like I’m missing a big piece of information.
“Bruh? I feel like I should know this.”
“You clearly don’t pay much attention to gossip.” Mr
Bhengu chides him.
“To anything lately, a lot has been happening.” Lunga
admits.
“I would think as a lawyer you should be on top of
things.” Bhengu smirks.
“Oh fuck off Bhengu.” Lunga says with a laugh. I’m
blinking non-stop because I could have used the comfort
of knowing that he was friends or friendly with the person
we were meeting.
“I didn’t know you two knew each other.” I finally voice
out my looping question. They both look at each other as
if having a silent conversation.
“A while back, in Uni actually.” Lunga is the one who
vaguely responds.
“Wild times.” Gcobani smiles. “Good to see you though,
Poswa. Time has been kind to you.”
“And to you?” Lunga responds, his eyes flicking over Mr
Bengu’s frame.
“So, NRD wants my services?” Their friendly banter is
gone and everyone is all business. Lunga looks at me as if
to give me the platform. I feel sweat form on my back and
I suddenly need water. I open the bottle placed before me
and drink without using the glass provided.
“Well, yes.” I say after taking a long drink. Bhengu is still
looking at me expectantly. “We have a few projects that we
want to bid for. The market has become competitive and
we need the best to do that. You are it, Mr Bhengu and our
price is right.” His eyes widen.
“I’m more interested in what your company represents that
the price tag, Ndlovu.” Mr Bhengu leans his elbow on the
arm rest, while supporting his head with the same hand. A
picture of confidence. “I remember, you once approached
me and at the time I did inform your predecessors the
company didn’t align with my values and what I was trying
to achieve at the time.”
“Are you referring to the two owners that aren’t black?” I
ask. He nods.
“Yes. There are many black own companies, I’m trying to
uplift and give back up to. Back up they cannot benefit
from generational wealth. Your company has benefited on
both sides. A strategic move at the time. I don’t fault
them.” I sigh.
“Our values are in alignment with yours. If you look at our
employment roll, majority is black and we use services
from black owned small businesses as much as we can.” I
proceed to give him statistic of who we work with and
how much we value the independent service providers.
How we have created employment in black communities.
“I’m impressed.” He nods as he leafs through my
proposal. “I will tell you what I told NS Construction, you
are aware that I have just taken them on as a client right?”
I nod. That’s a stickler to our plan, they are the major
completion and currently they are wiping the floor with us.
“I don’t have time for small projects. I can however assign
you with one of my trusted architects. I’ve trained them,
they wouldn’t be working for me if they weren’t the best.”
I look at Lunga who has been sitting quietly and observing.
He gives me a slight nod.”
“We will take that.” All we need is the back-up name of
Bhengu Inc. on our project then we have a leg up.
“I can’t work with you on major projects that involve NS
Construction.” What happens when we want to bid for the
same projects? The construction world is vast, I’m sure we
can find ways of getting separate jobs. But still.
“That is limiting NRD, Gcobani.” Lunga finally chirps in.
“If NS is going for major jobs then NRD wants to dip its
hands into those. Give us different architect from the firm.
I mean they might work for you but they probably have
unique styles.” He makes a valid point. “What we need is
your name.” Mr Bhengu seems to be mulling it over.
“I can’t be a part of it.” Bhengu reiterates.
“Agreed.” I say.
“I have to think it over, discuss it with my team and
obviously NS Construction.” The man stands. I take that
as our cue to leave. “I’ll be in touch.” He shakes both our
hands.
“Thank you for your time.”
“What is your relation to the owner?” he asks me.
“He is my uncle.” We are all walking towards the exit.
“He must be impressed by you. What were you doing
before this?” He holds the door open and Lunga walks out
first.
“Pilot.” His eyes widen in surprise.
“Damn, such a difference in careers. What caused the
changed if you don’t mind me asking?”
“My uncle was involved in an accident a week ago.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Just as we step out of his office, a
blonde white man is standing by.
“Thank goodness you are out!” he fumes. Oblivious to our
presence.
“This is Ryan Cook,” Gcobani makes the introductions
with an indulgent smile on his face. Like he is used to the
dram. “Ryan, this is Ntando Ndlovu from NRD
Construction and this is Lunga Poswa their lawyer.
“Nice to meet you,” his blue eyes burn with annoyance.
“Maybe they’ll be more suitable to work with than NS
Construction!” Gcobani winces and ushers him into his
office.
“Gentlemen I’ll be speaking to you.” He closes the door to
his office and I follow Lunga as he leads the way to the
elevator.
“That went well.” Lunga says once we are inside the lift.
“You did good. I’m proud of you.” God, words of
affirmation shouldn’t feel this good. His words worm their
way through my heart and I feel the organ expanding. My
earlier annoyance with him is momentary forgotten,
“Thank you.” But then I can’t seem to leave it at that. “I
could’ve used the knowledge that you know Bengu.”
He shrugs, “It was a long time ago.”
“It still would’ve mattered. Why didn’t you use that
connection years back when Uncle Nhla first approached
Bengu?”
“Because I don’t work that way. In my life, you earn your
way by doing the work.” He takes another deep breath.
“Besides, your uncle wouldn’t have allowed me to do that.
We both wanted to make our own way in business.” He
looks at me and a smile tugs at his lips, “I would also have
missed how passionate you get when you argue your
point.” My face heats and I drop my eyes to the floor. “I
don’t think I’ve ever seen you speak so many words at
once.” I don’t know whether he is teasing or genuinely
curious but I don’t lift my eyes. Heat has suddenly spread
throughout my body and his proximity in this closed
environment is doing things to my nerves. The ding of the
lift is too loud but a most welcome sound. I don’t wait for
him as I step out and head towards the car. A hand
touches my elbow and I fight the urge to flinch at his
touch.
“Hey,” he is frowning “Did I say something wrong?” I
swallow the thickness in my throat and shake my head.
“No, nothing. I’m just passionate about seeing this project
through. My uncle deserves it and I want to make him
proud.” I ramble on. It’s not a lie, I do want to make my
uncle proud but this isn’t what this is about. I’m trying to
flee the unrecognisable feeling I’m suddenly experiencing
around this man.
He seems to accept my explanation. “Any plans for the
rest of the day.” I look at my watch. It’s almost midday, I
have work to catch up on but I need to do something I’ve
been avoiding since my uncle got injured.
“I was thinking of visiting uncle Nhla.” I say.
“I wanted to do the same, you don’t mind if I tag along.”
Relief floods me. I don’t know why but I feel his presence
will be grounding for me. I don’t do well in hospitals. The
place brings back memories I’d rather bury in the deepest
recess of my consciousness.
“I don’t mind.”
Uncle Nhla is sitting up when we arrive, leaning against the
huge fluffy pillow. His eyes are hidden behind dark shades.
My heart clenches at what that implies. I knock to let him
know that someone has come in. His body tenses and his
head jerks towards the direction of the door.
“It’s me, uncle Nhla,” His shoulders slump but I can see
him visible relax. “Lunga is with me too.” We both walk in
and stand by his bedside.
“What’s up, Nhlaka.”
“Shouldn’t you be at work.” He asks instead.
“Well we just came back from your nephew’s kicking ass.”
Lunga perches on the edge of the bed while I drag a chair
and sit on it.
“What?” I can see my uncle’s frown even behind the
glasses.
“Ntando, got you in at Bengu Inc.” Lunga mentions. I
maybe be projecting but I hear what sounds like pride in
his voice.
“Yeah?” a small smile tugs at my uncle.
“Yeah, he did buddy. How are you feeling?”
“Like crap.” My uncle responds and his sinks into the
pillow as if it would make him disappear. “I feel useless
right now. My legs don’t work, I can’t see. How exactly am
I supposed to move on from here.” The dejection is his
tone sets worry claws in the pit of my stomach.
“It’s all temporary.” Lunga consoles.
“You don’t know that man!” My uncle snaps. “I could be
in the wheelchair and darkness for life! I’d rather die!’ a
gasp escapes my throat.
“Please don’t say that uncle Nhla.” My voice wavers. “I
need you, your kids need you.” Uncle Nhla sighs but
doesn’t respond.
“You need to have faith Nhlakanipho. You will overcome
this.” Lunga says with conviction. Uncle Nhla sinks lower
on the bed and turns to face the other way.
“I need to rest.” He says. Lunga squeezes his leg. Is it the
one where he has feeling on or the other one? I don’t
know. All I know is the pain searing my gut as we leave his
room. My hands tremble and sweat form on my forehead.
I feel the passage walls are closing in. My heart is galloping.
Why can’t I inhale air? Why is my chest tight? I continue
towards the exit, my eyes getting bleary. Cool air hits my
face as I step out of the hospital. I don’t see anything; I
can’t seem to get my bearings. Then strong hands are
suddenly at my shoulders. They keep me solid. But I still
can’t breathe.
“Breathe Ntando, dammit!” Lunga’s tone is urgent and
worried. “Come-on. Drag it in with a squeeze of my
hands.” I feel a squeeze on my shoulders. “Let it out.” He
talks me through my breathing a couple of times until I
experience intense relief as air fills my lungs. I haven’t had
one of these in years. My forehead is damp and I can feel
my shirt cling to my back. “You good?” I nod. Suddenly
seeing his worried face before me. A wave of shame
washes over me and my gaze darts off. He drags my face
back by my chin. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” The
vehemence in his tone gives me shivers but it’s also
comforting. He gets it. I don’t know how but he does,
which is obviously just wishful thinking on my side. I mean
how would he get it? But the look of empathy that he
peers me with, tells me he does anyways. Then to my
horror my eyes sting. I blink and swallow the bubbling
feelings.
“Your uncle will be fine.” He says. I can live with him
thinking my distress comes from that. I nod. “Come let’s
go get some food in you.” He gently grabs my elbow and
steers me towards where he parked. I haven’t been handled
like this since I was a kid. Mom used to hold my hand
everywhere we went and I loved it. I don’t like it anymore.
Expect maybe when Lunga does it apparently. I am
absolutely losing my mind.

“I’m not hungry.” I mumble but I follow him anyway. For

some reason I don’t want to part with his company. I enjoy
his nearness and I don’t want to dig deeper to why I feel
this way about another human being. It has never been me.
I’m not a recluse but I’d never had this constant yearning
to chill with someone or to need someone as I’m
beginning to need him.
“You still need to eat.” I glance at him waking besides me,
hands tucked in his pockets. He left his jacket in the car
earlier like I did mine. The shirt he wears clings to his solid
body like it was sewn on him and the way the pants cling
to all the hard planes of his body has my eyes lingering in
places they shouldn’t be. I don’t argue with what he says as
I follow him to the car. We are silent as he drives out of
the hospital parking bay. His thumb taps on the steering
wheel as if thumping to the sound of music. I trace his
thumb up his fit forearm and all the way to the bulging
bicep stretching the rolled up white shirt. I had never paid
attention to the muscles he has. Why am I paying attention
now? I look away and watch the passing traffic in a blur
until it patters down to a quiet road. I realise then that we
are not far from our office building.
Dread makes my feet heavy as we part on the elevator. His
office is one floor below us. But he rode the elevator to my
floor. But now he is standing against the wall, his hands in
his pockets and feet crossed. No intention of stepping out
with me. He presses a button to his floor. Why do I
suddenly feel like I’m losing a limb? I turn just before
stepping out causing the lift door to retreat.
“Thank you for today.” My voice comes out gruff. His
eyes soften.
“I didn’t do much Ntando. It was all you today.”
“Well, your presence has been reassuring.” More than you
know.
“I’ll be a phone call away.” His face turns serious. “Call
me, for anything.” I nod. I’m still standing watching him
watch me. It’s going to become awkward if I don’t get a
move on. Welcome back old friend, awkward, I can’t say
I’ve missed you.
“Excuse me,” someone clears their throat from behind me.
“Is this lift going?”
“Sorry.” I mumble as I step out of the way. With one more
look at Lunga, I force my body to move. The sound of the
closing lift gives me
Thoughts of Lunga are temporarily on hold as work
demands my attention. Documents to sign. Emails to
dictate and one virtual meeting with a supplier to get
through. By the time I’m done, it’s almost 8 pm. I feel bad
for keeping Phaks this late. She, unlike me probably has a
life.
“I’m sorry for keeping you this late.” I say as we both walk
to the lift. Our floor is deserted and probably the rest of
the building.
“Trust me, I’m used to it.” She smiles. She does that a lot
and it puts me at ease. “Part or my job. I’m literary at your
back and call.”
“Doesn’t your boyfriend or husband complain?”
“You assume there is a male partner,” she smirks at my
shocked face.
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have assumed” I fumble with my
messenger bag.
“Common mistake. I guess heterosexuality is a default.”
I’m sure she means ignorance. “To answer your question, I
have no one to answer to at the moment and even if there
was, they would know my career comes first.” I nod as the
lift doors open at the parking floor.
“Have a good evening, Phaks.”
“You too Ntando.” We walk our separate ways.
Ntando

My body runs cold for a second when I realise someone is

in my room. Not just my room but on my bed. It’s two
someone’s judging by the whispering voices. I slowly lift
my one eye open and see Lisakhanya wildly gesturing to
Azaphe to be quiet. My heartbeat slows and my muscles
relax.
“Let’s wake him!” Azaphe whispers. Hardly a whisper
really if it wakes me up. Lisakhanya shakes his head.
Azaphe’s face crumples.
“Who is here?” my voice sounds too loud in my ears. The
two little rascals jump and freeze with their hands over
their mouths. They can’t see I have my eyes slightly open. I
make as if to feel around my bed. They not so carefully
scoot backwards out of touch and then I lunge at them.
Tickling them. Their delighted giggles fill the room.
“No Ntando stop!” Khanya says between bouts of
laughter. Azaphe can’t even get a word out. Then I let
them go.
“Good morning you two.”
“Morning Tado.” Azaphe says. She is the youngest of the
two and the naughtiest.
“Did you have fun at grandpa’s?” I ask shifting so I’m
leaning against the headboard and let them each sit beside
me.
“Yeah,” Khanya responds in a low tone. “But we miss
home. I miss daddy.” My heart clenches.
“Mommy says he is hurt.” Azaphe’s lower lip trembles. I
wrap my arm around them and hold them to me.
“He is but he is in a hospital to get better.”
“You are not going to leave us Ntando, are you?” Khanya
looks up at me his eyes filled with tears.
“No buddy, not going anywhere.” I kiss the top of his
head. “Why don’t you go downstairs and help your sister
prepare cereal. I’ll join you in a few minutes.” They both
jump off the bed and run out the room. I rub my chest for
a few seconds. Uncle Nhla needs to get better if only for
the sake of those two. Sis Zuki is in the kitchen when I
finally walk down. The kids sit in their high chairs with
bowls of cereal before them. She is preparing their lunch
boxes.
“Good morning.” I greet, heading for the coffee machine.
“Morning Ntando.” She glances at me. “How did the
meeting yesterday go?”
“It went well. Gcobani is considering us, I mean it all
depends on what NS Construction says but I think we got
him.” I grab a cup and pour myself the ready-made coffee.
“One of his architects, anyway.”
“That’s great news.” Her hand brushes my arm and my
body recoils. I move away to sit beside my cousins who are
engrossed with a tablet in front of them. It helps them sit
still and eat while they watch their favourite cartoon. “I
need to get ready. Do you mind watching these two?” I
shake my head.
“I have a few minutes.” I don’t. I was hoping to be at work
early. Prepare for my meeting with the staff but I can’t let
Sis Zuki down. She looks so worn out, I’m sure having the
kids back isn’t helping. The doorbell rings just as she
disappears up the stairs. The gate monitor shows Aza with
her boyfriend Bondeko. I hesitate before opening. It has
never been a secret that Sis Zuki and Sis Aza don’t get
along. They only tolerate each other for uncle Nhla’s sake.
Since I don’t want to get caught in the middle of whatever
their beef is. Said beef is likely my uncle. I press open the
gate and watch as it slides open allowing them in. I leave
the front door unlocked while I go and clear the kitchen. A
few minutes later the door opens and the couple walks in.
“Hey Ntando, I didn’t know you were home.” Sis Aza
exclaims as she walks through the kitchen. She hugs each
of the kids before she comes and gives me a hug. I try to
loosen my stiff body but I fail when she moves back,
mumbling her apologies. “I always forget that you don’t
like physical touch.” I think I do but only from a certain
person. The thought bubbles up, unexpectedly.
“Whasup Ntando,” Bondeko nods his head towards me
while he ruffles the kid’s hair. Kids who are absorbed in
whatever they are watching.
“Is Zuki still home?” Aza asks.
“Yes, she just went to get dressed.”
“Good, I wanted to speak to her before she left for the
hospital.” She moves to make herself coffee. “Babe would
you like a cup?”
“Yes, please.” Bondeko responds as he joins the kids on
the highchairs.
“Now that you two are here. I’ll head out. I need to be at
work early.”
“No worries, we will watch the two munchkins,” smiling
my gratefulness at Aza. I kiss the kids and dash off to fetch
my messenger back only to see a half-naked Zuki through
the partially open door of the master bedroom. I should
look away immediately but I don’t instead I’m rooted on
the spot cataloguing her curves in long legging and just a
bra. As I stand I try and listen to my body’s reaction.
Nothing. No rushing of blood in my veins. No reaction in
my pants and no heating off the skin. What I feel is more
like an embarrassment for perving on my aunt. So I look
away and turn towards my room. I can’t help the smile that
breaks on my face. I am not sexually attracted to my aunt!
Relief mixed with joy gives a spring to my step. I could’ve
used this information when I was younger. It could’ve
saved me a lot of angst. But still something about her
unsettles me and now isn’t the time to figure it out. I grab
my stuff and leave.
Traffic to work crawls to almost a stop in some areas. I’m
not used to this driving in traffic. Most times I’m always
heading to the head offices during off peak. So this
bumper to bumper will take some getting used to. I’d
planned to go past the coffee shop for some breakfast but
I suppose with so much time wasted navigating the traffic,
I’ll have to skip that.
Phaks is already seated at her desk, earpiece plugged and
chatting away as she furiously types on her computer. She
acknowledges my entrance with a smile. I immediately
switch the air conditioner on in my interim office. It feels
weird to claim my uncle’s office as mine. Then I grab a
bottle of water and guzzle it while I power on my laptop.
Nothing on my desk yet that requires my attention but
when my laptop comes on, I notice my updated planner
for the day. Instead of an open 8 am like it was when I left
last night I have a virtual meeting with two of our long-
time clients. Phaks has made a note: the clients need
reassurance in the absence of the Senior Ndlovu and the
other co-owners. What a stressful way to start my morning.
A sharp knock sounds at the door and before I can even
open my mouth the door is pushed open. My irritation
immediately vanishes at seeing Lunga walk in, with a
brown coffee shop bag and two cups of coffee.
“I come bearing gifts.” He raises his load. A smile stretches
my face and my heart begins a little thud. My eyes drink
him in as he walks through in his grey checkered slim
fitting pants and a light blue shirt. Two top buttons
undone. He looks good.
“Hi,” it comes out as a breathy whisper and I internally
cringe.
“Hello Ntando.” The sound of my name from his lips
gives me shivers.
“What’s this?” he places the paper bag on my desk and
passes me one of the cups before dropping on one of the
chairs.
“Breakfast.” He fishes out a sandwich from the bag at
passes it to me. “I hope you like avo.” Who doesn’t like
avo. It’s chicken and avo sandwich with fresh lettuce leaves
sticking out.
“I love it. Thank you.” I unwrap my sandwich. A bit
difficult if my eyes are drinking in the man sitting before
me. I notice how clean his fingernails are. Nicely trimmed
too. I even notice the tiny hairs on them. He has beautiful
hands.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” The sound of his voice jolts me
out of my day dreaming. My face heats and I drop my eyes
to my sandwich before taking a bite. We don’t talk for a
few minutes. But my eyes refuse to keep off him. I scan his
face as he eats his own sandwich. The way he chews and
how the neck muscles work as he swallows. I find
everything he does sexy. The deep timber of his voice
resonates through my veins. Is that even a thing?
“This is good,” I say when the silence seems to stretch. It’s
not awkward but there is a build-up of anticipation in the
air. And that gives me anxiety.
“I’m glad you are enjoying it.” He throws the empty wrap
in the bin. “I wasn’t sure if you’d eaten or not.”
“I try and make my escape from the house.” I regret the
words the moment they leave my mouth and with his
frown I know he won’t let it go either.
“Why? Are things tense between you and Zuki?”
“No, it’s nothing like that.” How do I explain my
behaviour towards my aunt? And now when I realise that
Lunga knows, I’m ashamed. Of course he’d know. He is
practically family. My brain revolts at the thought.
“I always wondered why you never took too her. She is
kind and I’ve never seen her mean towards you.” I drop
the unfinished sandwich suddenly tasting like ash. I take
my time in wiping my hands and then I stand to throw
away the trash. “What happened between you two?”
“What makes you think something happened?” I snap. He
chuckles.
“Because you behave the way you just did around her.” I
sigh. I don’t have a good answer for him so I’ll not answer.
He leans back and runs a finger below his lip, drawing my
eyes to the said lips. “Wait, do you have a crush on her?”
He doesn’t look amused by the question and I sure as hell
aren’t either!
“What! Don’t be ridiculous Lunga!” I get up and walk
towards the window.
“I’m right, aren’t I!” he sounds so close too close, standing
behind me. “Ntando,” his tone is firm, “Look at me.” a
shiver runs down my spine and I can’t help but obey the
command. I slowly turn and face him. I can feel the heat
off his body so close to me . “Tell me.” oh God!
“I don’t know up until recently I thought I had a crush on
her. She set me on edge. Her kindness, the way she went
out of her way to accommodate me. Her being around my
uncle. I don’t know. I was a teenager and I was going
through a lot. I’d just met her. So, yes I kept her at a
distance. Until I didn’t know how to close that distance
anymore!” I spill all of this without a breath in between. I
don’t even know where much of what I just said came
from but it’s the truth. The gentle look in Lunga’s eyes as
he listens to me is my undoing.
“She threatened your mother’s place in your heart.” I
frown. I never thought of it that way. But now that I’m
thinking about it, the first thought that always came to my
mind whenever she tried, was that she wasn’t my mother.
“Your mom was a wonderful woman and no one could
ever take her place. Not in your life or in your uncle’s life.”
The softness in his tone, his words, I always yearned to
hear. My chest feels tight and my eyes burn.
“I,” I croak.
“Hey…” Lunga moves closer and then his arms are pulling
me to him, he holds me tight and I cling to him. My eyes
shut tight because if I don’t the damn is about to break.
“You only had, one mother. No one else could become
her.” My body shudders.
“Stop.” I croak. He runs a hand over my back.
“Breathe.” I nod against his shoulder. I never knew being
held, like really held, felt this good. I want to stay in his
arm for a while. I want to crawl under his skin and burrow
in his heat. I drag a long breath and his scent comforts me.
“Lunga?” I want to ask if this is appropriate. Does he hug
men like this? Should we be holding each other like this? It
feels so good I don’t want to stop. Ever! The loud ringing
phone breaks the spell. Lunga slowly pulls apart from me.
He peers up at me with this intense look.
“You have a meeting.” His voice sounds thick.
“Yeah.” I clear my throat.
“Will you be okay?” I blink because the way he asks me
questions it’s as if he sees through the depths of my
shattered heart and he is inviting me to allow him to pick
up the pieces and rebuild it I sharp edged piece at a time. I
nod. My throat is too thick for words to come out. A lot of
emotions that I’ve shut down is bubbling on the surface
and the office isn’t the place to crack open the seal. He
gives my hand a last squeeze and leaves. Taking all the
good energy with him. I’m left feeling alone, scared and
untethered. The phone rings again, spurring me into
action.
“Hello.” I do not have office etiquette to answer the
phone, something Phaks gentle reminded me of.
“Ndlovu, good morning.” I chuckle at Phaks not so subtle
reminder.
“I need practice to say it without feeling weird about it.”
She laughs.
“Fair enough. Are you ready to connect for your meeting?”
am I ready to reassure people I don’t know. Hell no.
“Yep. You joining me right?” Panic seize my lungs.
“I’m coming through now; I’ll stay off camera though.” I
don’t mind. I need another human being with me after the
void left by the previous one. A void I can’t even explain
to myself.
The meeting goes better than expected considering I am a
novice at this. The only snag was mixing my client’s name
while addressing them. An embarrassment I felt
throughout the day and cringed at the thought every time
the thought of it pop in my head. I had a showdown with a
government official for some permit stuff, apparently it’s
not my area of expertise, the manager copied me in by
mistake. Like anything in this company is my area of
expertise. I’m winging it until my uncle reclaims his sit and
God willing he will. The use of religious phrase isn’t lost
on me considering, I’m still mad at the creator for taking
my mom away. Since that horrific accident, I refuse to
speak to Him. I went to church because my family went
but the almighty and I have unresolved issues. Like how
did he allow a 15-year-old to be left holding his mother’s
severed hand. Shivers wreck my body at the thought. I
don’t know why these thoughts are resurfacing but for my
sanity, it’s not a good situation.
I don’t get to see Lunga, for the rest of the day. And I can’t
help wonder where he is. The urge to find out increases as
I drive home. I have his numbers; I could call him but then
we were never calling buddies. He is my uncle’s best friend
for goodness sake. I don’t get to see my uncle either but if
all goes well he should be released tomorrow. And I am
hopeful he will be. Even though I am hopeful, his state of
mind worries me. Maybe Aza will intervene.
The kids are running around the house as I walk through.
The smell of wholesome cooking permeates the house and
fills my nostrils making me realise I last ate the sandwich
Lunga brought me in the morning. Sounds of people
talking comes from the kitchen and I go in search of
whoever I there after kissing the kids before they dashed
off. Ma, is the one cooking while to my surprise Bonolo,
sits on the highchairs with Aunty next to her.
“Look who is here.” Bonolo exclaims as she slides off the
seat. Her and I were always friendly towards each other.
Though, I think at time she hated me for the way I treated
Zuki. Zuki is her favourite human, so she probably sees
me as garbage in how I behaved. I don’t blame her. I was
garbage. She stops before me. She is a hugger and I am
sure she was about to launch herself at me before she
realised. She rubs her hand on my arm. “How are you?”
“I’m good sis,” I give her a tentative hug. The bulging of
her eyes tells me of how shocked she is. I move along and
kiss Ma on the cheek and she beams at me. I do the same
with Aunty Zuki, who gives me a confused smile. I am as
confused as they are by my behaviour but I’m trying to be
a better human being here. I hope they cut me some slack.
“Something smells good, Ma,” I remove my jacket and
throw it on an empty chair.
“Lamb stew with steamed bread.” She says.
“Isn’t that Uncle Nhla’s favourite?”
“That’s why I’m making it, baby.”
“Your uncle was discharged today Ntando, he is in his
room.” Aunt Zuki clears the confusion she probably
notices on my face.
“That’s great news!” her smile at my joy doesn’t reach her
eyes. I will think about that later but for now I have to see
my uncle. “Excuse me, let me go say hello to him.” No
one responds as I make my way out of the kitchen.
The room is dark and I can’t make out anything as I open
the door. I knocked but there was no response. It takes a
moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and when
they do I see the figure huddled under the blankets on the
bed. Something unsettles in my gut and I feel for the light
switch and flood the room in brightness. My uncle recoils
and covers his eyes with his arms.
“Switch the damn light off!” elation spreads through my
chest. I switch it off.
“You can see!”
“No you, idiot, just because I can’t see doesn’t mean I’m in
darkness. I can see bright light and it hurts my eyes.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” My disappointment is crushing.
“You can switch on the side lamp, It’s gentle on my eyes.”
I make my way towards the bed and do just that. He is
lying on his back, the blankets up to his chest. As I look at
him, starring at the ceiling, he looks the same, like he isn’t
injured at all.
“How are you, Malume?” I sit on the chair besides the bed.
“I’m here alive. I suppose I should be grateful.”
“I am grateful you are alive.”
“How is work?”
I chuckle at his not subtle way of changing the subject. “I
don’t know I’m just hoping you’ll still have a company
when I return.”
“If I’ll return.” He shrugs.
“You will, Uncle.”
“Lunga can’t seem to shut up about you. He sounds so
proud and that makes me proud. I never wanted you to
give up your dream but I’m humbled by what you are
doing Mtshana.” I swallow the lump in my throat. Two
things choking me, my uncle is proud of me. Lunga talks
about me. The later brings heat on my lower belly.
“It’s what you’d have done.” I gruffly say. He puts out his
hand and I reach out and hold it.
“Thank you.” Then he let’s go.
“What did the doctor say?”
“The doctors say a lot of things, Ntando.”
“About your legs?”
“I’m not sure which one I prefer to suffer from, the
blindness or the inability to walk.”
“I am hoping you don’t experience both.” He sighs.
“Fortunately the spine is only bruised, so the wheelchair is
temporary while I go through physical treatment.”
“That’s good news, right?”
“Right.” he closes his eyes. “I suppose it is.” Aunt Zuki
walks in with a tray holding a steaming bowl with a side of
steamed bread.
“Time for your dinner, baby” she says as she places the
tray on the bedside table.
“I’m not hungry.”
“You have to eat, Baby.”
“I said I’m not hungry!” Zuki flinches at his raised voice.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. But I’m not hungry.
Please stop treating me like I’m one our kids!’ he almost
whispers the last part. I am mortified witnessing this.
Aunty Zuki’s eyes fill with tears. She doesn’t say anything
but stomps out of the room. A lone tear escape at the
corner of my uncle’s closed eyes. I grab the tray and
walkout with it. No one is in the kitchen when I renter. I
cover the food and head for room. My appetite gone.
After a quick shower, I slide under the covers and think.
Why am I so drawn to Lunga? I’ve never been this drawn
to a person ever. He occupies my mind every waking
moment. When I’m with him, he surrounds me, my mind,
my body reacts to him and my spirit basks in his light.
When he is absent like right now, I want to be with him. I
want to hear his voice, smell his scent, look at him. I miss
him. Huh? A message comes through on my phone. At
first my heart jolts thinking or hoping it’s Lunga. I hate
that I’m disappointed to see my friend’s name flash on the
screen. I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now, even
Kwanele. So I ignore the message. But when my phone the
rings and I notice who it is, my smile can’t be contained.
“Hello,” my voice unintentionally drops.
“Is this a bad time?” Lunga asks.
“No, I’m in bed.”
“Oh, I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“No,” I quickly say, “You are not intruding. I wasn’t
sleeping yet.” Just obsessing over you.
“How did the day go?”
“It went okay. How was your day?” I am missing you like
crazy. How is that even possible?
“Long and exhausting. I wanted to come by and check on
you but time got away from me.” My heart turns to goo.
“It’s okay, I don’t expect you to hold my hand the entire
time.”
“What if I want to hold your hand?” his voice drops and
shivers wrack my body.
“I... I,” I stutter.
“Ntando, you don’t have to answer that.”
“It’s just ...”
“Please don’t say anything.” He sounds contrite. “I’m
being weird.”
“No! You are not. I... I would like that too.”
“What would you like?”
“The hand holding thing.”
“Ntando.” God the way he says my name will be my
undoing.
“Yes, Lunga.” He is quiet for a few breaths.
“Goodnight.” No! Don’t leave!
“Goodnight.” I wait. He waits. I hear him breathing.
“Ntando.”
“Yes.” Few more moments of silence.
“I’ll not be in the office tomorrow. I’m going to Cape
Town for a few days.” I feel like he has just thrown a cold
bucket of water over me.
“What?” how am I going to survive without him for a few
days? The usual way you’ve been, dummy.
“I know; I’m meeting with clients. It has been arranged for
a while.”
“Okay.”
“You’ll be fine. I’ll be back in a few days.”
I am not fine, I feel like my heart sprouted legs and walked
off. It’s a weird and nervous empty sort of feeling. How is
this the way I feel?
“Okay.” He hangs up and leaves echoing silence behind.
Ntando

Someone is throwing dishes in the sink. I can hear the

commotion the moment I step out of my room. I take the
steps two at a time. The shattering glass and clanking posts
breaking the eerily silence in the house. The first thing I
see, are the terrified kids hiding behind the couch. I don’t
have the time to reassure them as I round the corner into
the kitchen to find the source of all the distress. Zuki is
hunched over the kitchen sink, her chest heaving.
“Aunty,” I move closer. “Are you okay?” obviously a
dumb question but I don’t have words while my eyes take
stock of the damage. The now broken bowl must have
contained oats judging by the slobs of it slithering down
the cupboard doors and splattered counter tops. I ease
towards her until I gentle place my hand on her back. Her
body is trembling.
“I don’t think I can do this, Ntando.” She says in a
smallest tone. I gently turn her by her shoulders to face me
and then she is cling to me, bowling her eyes out.
“It will be okay.” I say.
“No, it won’t be. Nhlakanipho is hurting and I don’t know
how to help him.”
“We will find a way.” she pulls back from my hold and
wipes her tears with the sleeve of her gown then begins to
clean up the mess. “I’ll do that. Take a sit and I’ll make you
a cup of coffee.” She nods and moves to the high chair. I
switch on the coffee machine then clean the mess while I
wait. I overslept, so I know I am running late. But I need
to make sure that Sis Zuki is okay, the kids are okay and
also my uncle is okay. There is fear worming its way to my
gut that things might not be okay. I walk around with this
fear the entire morning as I do what I need to do in a short
space of time before rushing to the office.
The fear becomes a heavy weight as I sit through my
morning meeting. A meeting I barely make in time. I’m not
okay. I feel like I’m operating someone else’s body while I
watch them head for a collision. I do not have time to
worry about it though. I called Aza this morning to come
check on both my aunt and uncle. Because as violent as sis
Zuki was in her demonstration of her emotions, the
subdued manner I found my uncle in this morning was
scarier. They both need help to navigate this process and
I’m hoping Aza as a friend and professional she might
help. Also I have asked Ma to come take the kids. She will
have to find a way to convince her daughter of that but the
kids being around all the hurt will not be good for them.
I notice unread messages on my phone as I return from
my meeting. I didn’t have to check my phone the entire
morning. I haven’t had time for anything else to be honest.
I need coffee and I need my bed. Unfortunately, I can have
the former not the later. Before I can open the messages
my phone rings and my heart jolts at the name displayed
on the screen. It’s still saved as Uncle Lunga. He’d given
me his numbers when I left for school back in high school,
he’d said if ever I needed to speak to someone other than
my uncle he’d be available. He has never changed his
numbers.
“Hello,” I walk pass Phaks and mouth my plea for coffee.
“Ntando,” butterflies flap their wings in my stomach. I can
officially say it. For the first time in my life. I am attracted
to someone. He is not what I expected for me. I always
assumed I was straight. Yes, I haven’t experienced this
level of attraction to a point I’d assumed I was broken. My
experiment in dating a man when I was figuring how I’m
wired never bore fruit. There is another snag to my
attraction, the one I’ve been intentionally avowing to even
think about. Lunga is my uncle’s best friend and I’m not
even sure he is gay.
“Yeah,” I whisper as I shoulder the office door open and
close.
“How is your morning?” I place my messenger back on the
office desk and move to stand by the high windows.
“It’s hectic. I haven’t had a moment until now.” That’s
another thing that surprises me, I’m always open with
Lunga, without filter.
“What’s been happening?” it’s the gentle way he asks that
makes me want to crawl through the phone and lay my
head on his chest. He reminds me of mom at times. Okay
lately. It's been years since I lost my mother, but still the
gaping wound in my soul gushes like I'd just been
bludgeoned by a blunt axe. Maybe people would think I'm
weak for feeling this way. But she left me untethered on
this earth. Like a lost bird with clipped wings. I can't even
remember what it was like to feel happy. But then I
remember yesterday, being around Lunga, being held by
him. I can still feel the imprint of his arms around me. I
shut my eyes and try to feel that feeling right now.
Something to ease the weight I still feel dragging at my
chest.
“Aunty and uncle aren’t in a good space. This morning
was a bit tense. I’m worried about them.” I hear him take a
deep breath.
“I spoke to your uncle this morning as well. I didn’t like
how he sounded.”
“Yeah, it’s bad Lunga.” I sigh. “I called Aza and Ma
promised to take the kids in the meantime.”
“That should help. I’ll try and wrap up today so I can come
back earlier than planned.”
“I’d like that.” I miss you is at a tip of my tongue but I
don’t want to be weird. But I miss him.
“Otherwise, how has your morning been so far? Have you
eaten.” Just then there is a knock at my door and Phaks
pushes the door open with a cup of coffee in hand.
“I’m about to have my coffee.” I smile my thanks at Phaks
as I grab the cup.
“Coffee isn’t food Ntando.” His reprimanding tone sends
shivers down my spine.
“I know. I’ll eat something I promise. How are you?”
“I am okay, now that I’m speaking to you.” I lean my
forehead against the window. The cold glass doing nothing
to ease the heat rising in my body temperature.
“Don’t say things like that.” I whisper.
“Why? It’s the truth.”
“Lunga, what are we doing?”
“We are having a conversation.” He says.
“You know what I mean.”
He sighs, “I don’t know, Ntando.” This doesn’t help me
much. “But I have to go, my meeting begins in 5 minutes.
“Lunga, …”
“Yes.”
“I..., have a good day.”
“You too.” He hangs up. The heaviness is back at my
chest. I take a sip of my coffee that is already turning cold.
I put it aside and get lost in some work for a while until
there is a knock at the door. Phaks walks in with a paper
bag with a coffee shop logo from across our building.
“Someone has a delivery.” She says placing the food at my
desk.
“I didn’t order anything.”
“Well, someone did. If you don’t like it, I’ll have it.” I
shake my head a grab the bag, listening to the sounds of
her laughter as she walks out. I open the bag to find a
sandwich with a bottle of orange juice. Then a message
comes through from Lunga.
|The food should’ve arrived. Eat! | I
smile as I type my response.
|Thank you. You are a life saver. |
|Anything for you. | my heart constricts.
I eat my food with a smile on my face then bury myself in
work afterwards. The kind of work that drains every ounce
of my energy and depletes my confidence. By the end of
the day, I’m left wondering if I’m doing more damage than
good. Phaks keeps reassuring me, I’m doing fine but
without seeing the results of my so called hard work, I’m
not sure I believe her. So I stay longer and go over the files
I need to prepare for the next day. I check reports and
recheck them. Anything to avoid going home. I’m afraid of
what waits for me.
Lunga

I look at my phone for a few minutes after sending the last

text to Ntando and rub my chest. My heart is going rapid I
fear it might pop out of my chest. Where did this thing
with Ntando come from? I suddenly worry about a person
like my very being depends on it. And this is new. I can
confidently say that. Before, he was just my friend’s
nephew. My best friend who wouldn’t like to hear that my
heart suddenly beats for his nephew. The nephew who has
managed to bridge all my defences unnoticed. The door to
the boardroom opens and my clients walk through. It’s
about damn time. I’ve never wanted to conclude a business
meeting so fast. Joburg is calling to me like a sirens song.
Ntando is calling to me. What scares me is the fact I’m
worried more about him than I am for Nhlakanipho. The
injured one. But I’m confident my friend will recover. I
have faith Zuki will handle this. Things might be shaky
now but I honestly believe they’ll pull through.
The run through the airport to catch the last flight isn’t as
fun. I cut my trip by a day and a half because a certain
person in Joburg calls to me. My younger self would laugh
senseless at seeing me today. I’ve always maintained that
no one would touch my heart the way Nhlakanipho’s had
been touched by Zuki. Relationships were just not for me.
I always knew from when I began dating that I liked both
sexes. Not something I advertised but I went with
whatever direction my dick led. But now it’s not the one
leading. It’s something else, far too big and I don’t have
control. This should scare me but with how elated I feel I
can’t find the will to fight. So I’ll follow wherever the heart
leads me. A scary concept considering what’s at risk.
I hear the final boarding call over the PA system and they
only mention my name. The hostess by the gate is already
punching on the system as I approach her. She quickly
checks my ID and my boarding pass then waves me
through. I’m sweating from all the running I did from the
check in counters. Someone grabs my luggage and tags it
before hauling it down to the belly of the aircraft.
Finally, I can take a deep breath as we taxi off the ground.
Now that I have a moment, with my eyes trained outside.
There is nothing much to see but the eternal darkness, but
I have a moment to examine my actions. I should be
relaxing at a hotel with a glass of whiskey but here I am
half sweating and still trying to calm my wild beating heart,
on the way home way earlier than scheduled. The only
person on the forefront of my thoughts is Ntando. I
imagine his smile at the breakfast meal I had delivered this
morning. It takes a lot to see that smile that lights up his
eyes. I had never seen its full effect until recently. It lights
up the room and stoke the fires in my belly. It is why I
always find ways to make him smile more. His smile is as
rare and so is his laughter. That is a treasured moment.
Something deep in me makes me want to make it my
mission to have him laugh more. Ridiculous, right?
I dial his number the moment I land but no answer. He is
probably at home sleeping. I try a couple of times until I
give up. I’ll send him a text once I’m settled. I asked the
driver to take me past my office. With all the adrenaline
pumping through me, sleep will be a foreign concept. I
need to fetch a couple of files, work on them instead of the
weekend like I’d planned before my trip.
Once I’m inside the building, however, something pulls me
towards the top floor. Ntando is a perfectionist and
something tells me late nights might be his thing. I call him
as I approach his office. The floor is dark, but I’m taken
aback when I notice his office door slightly ajar. The office
is dark though except for the light of his phone
illuminating his face. I drop the call and tentatively
approach his desk.
“Ntando,” I call out but I don’t get a response. His staring
into space as if oblivious to my presence. I approach him
until I’m hunched over him. Still he hasn’t moved. I slide
my palm along his jaw, his ice cold on his face. “Ntando!”
I feel a pulse at the base of his neck. It’s beating rapidly.
“Ntando!” I shake him a little and he blinks then he gasps
for air as if coming up from under water.
“Lunga,” he frowns.
“Yes, it’s me. What’s wrong?” I rub his arms and squeeze
his shoulders. He is shivering now.
“I was lost in memory. Terrible memory, I couldn’t wake
myself up.” He stutters. I pull of my jacket and wrap it
over his shoulder.
“You are okay. It was only a dream.” He shakes his head.
“No, not a dream. A memory I’d like to forget.”
“Come here,” I don’t want to know what kind of memory
has left him so shaken. I pull him to his feet and wrap my
arms around him. I hold him to me until he stops
shivering. He can’t meet my eyes as he pulls away. I want
to pull him closer again, wrap him in my arms and not let
go. Very worrying thoughts.
“Are you okay?” I ask when the silence threatens to stretch
to awkwardness. He nods. Then he runs his hands over his
face. When he removes them, the mask he always has on is
firmly back in place. I take a step back.
“I thought you still had two days in Cape Town?” He
expands the distance and begins packing his messenger
back.
“Yeah, I did but my meetings were cancelled.” I wasn’t
about to tell him, I cramped them all in one day.
Inconveniencing my clients with no care in the word.
Driven by the need to return to him. No that would be too
much for my best friend’s nephew. The one he has raised
as his son the past years. In our culture that extends to his
friends. Singo malume.
“I should go home it’s late.” He says when he is done
packing up while I stand before him, hands firmly in my
pocket to protect myself from reaching for him. This need
to touch him is like a relentless itch under my skin.
“Me too.” We don’t move. My eyes scan his face. He
seems tired or maybe he isn’t sleeping enough. I want to
ask if that’s the case but I don’t. There is a lot of internal
conflict, waging a war between brain and heart and so far
brain is barely winning.
“Have you eaten?” My latest obsession is to feed him and
right now it’s the only thing that comes to mind. He
frowns as if trying to recall the last time he had a meal. I
don’t like him neglecting himself like this.
“Last meal I had was the sandwich you ordered for me.”
He looks sheepishly at me behind his long lashes. I click
my tongue and wave him towards the door.
“You need to take better care of yourself, Ntando.” I hold
his office door for him. He is holding his messenger bag
into his chest as if to protect himself. “Come home with
me, I’ll make you dinner.” We both come to a stop at my
words. His eyes search mine. I can’t take the words back.
They are out there now as unplanned as they are. I hold
my breath as I wait for his answer. This moment suddenly
feels too big. He nods and relief floods through me.
He follows me to my place. He has never been. No reason
he would have needed to. I run through my head of the
things I have in my fridge and come up empty. It’s been a
while since I made a run for groceries. It’s too late to go to
the shops so I guess what I have will have to be enough. I
drive into my estate and notify the security to allow the
person behind me access, his headlights tail me until I’m
parked in my garage and he parks on the space next to
mine. He doesn’t move as I come out of the car.
“Second thoughts?” I open his door for him. He smiles at
my question.
“It’s late I should be home.” I raise my eyebrows. “But you
promised me food.”
“That I did. Come with me then.” I step back and allow
him to step out of the car then I lead him to the house.
“Your place is beautiful,” he says
“Thank you, I’m a lawyer for a construction company so
everything has to reflect that right?”
“I love it.” I lead him towards the kitchen and drop my
laptop bag on the kitchen counter. In the corner of my eye
I watch him as he slides into the high chair.
“Make yourself comfortable.” We both chuckle. I wash my
hands in the sink then go through my fridge to see what’s
there. I’m hoping to make something quick fortunately
there is steak in the fridge so I take that out and place them
on the cutting board “Is there anything you don't eat?” I
turn to him and find him tapping his fingers on the
counter his eyes darting about. His head snaps towards me
“Huh?”
“Relax Ntando, I do not bite. I asked I asked if there was
anything you didn’t eat.” he shakes his head.
“I eat practically everything.” I raise my brow and he drops
his eyes.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” I get busy, I can feel his eyes on
me work while I work in silence. I defrost the steak while I
prepare salad that’s the best I can come up with, grateful
that the lettuce and the cucumber are still fresh. Once the
salad is done I slide in a chair opposite him as I wait for
my steak to defrost. “How were the last few days for you?”
“I forgot to tell you, but Mr Bhengu called and NS
construction has no issues working with us, so they will set
up a meeting for us to meet I needed to see your
availability.”
“That’s exciting news, Ntando.” He gives me an
unconvincing smile. “It really is Ntando. I’m proud of the
work you've put in and I’m sure your uncle would be
proud too.”
“When you say things like that it makes this weird.” He
waves his hand between us.
“What is this?” I return the gesture.
He sighs, “I don’t know.” The air between us is thick. His
eyes pull at mine and I want to get close. Trace the curve
of his hard jaw. Drag my thumb over his thick eyebrows
while I plant soft kisses along his temple. I want to trace
every inch of his body with the pads of my fingers. His
pupils dilate before me and a tip of his tongue comes out
to kick his bottom lip. I swallow.
“Don’t look at me like that.” My voice comes out as a
growl. He drops his eyes, severing the pull between us. I
clear my throat. “I’ll get started on these. I prepare the
steak while stealing glances at the man sitting before me.
“Do you mind if I play some music.” He asks after a long
stretch of silence.
“Feel at home Ntando.” He smiles and heads for the living
room taking the charged energy with him. I can still feel
the remnants of it. He isn’t too far; no place would ever be
far enough.
“You’ve got a record player!” he turns his shocked face to
me.
“Yeah I do.” The hot pan sizzles as I place the seasoned
steak on it.
“Does it even play?” He asks peering over at the thing but
avoiding touching it. I’m kind of impressed that he knows
not to mess with it.
“It plays; I’ll connect it for you in a few.” I say turning the
steaks. “Choose a record in the meantime.” Once I’m done
dishing up, I take the two plates to the dining room table
and pour two glasses of red wine. I know he isn’t much of
a drinker but a glass of wine should be fine. I hope. I move
to where he is crouching in front of the record player. My
eyes can’t help but zoom in on the curve of his ass and my
pants tighten. Christ! It’s not the time for this.
“Here,” I tap him on the shoulder and pass the glass of
wine while I put mine down. “This is how you play this.”
I’m gentle as I take the Bob Marley record he has chosen
and placing it on the record player. The soft sounds of
reggae fill the house, through the hidden speakers.
“Your record player is connected to speakers! Neat!” he
sounds impressed and my chests puff up.
“I love music, so I paid quite a bit to get it done.” I lead
him towards the dining room table. “Why Bob Marley?” he
chuckles as he sits opposite me where I indicated for him
to. And then I realise he is too far, but I don’t want to be
weird by moving closer to him.
“He was the only artist I recognised.” He gives me a shy
smile.
“Yeah, you wouldn’t recognise the rest of my collection. It
was way before your time.” I take a bite of my steak while
I watch him chew his. “It’s mostly South African Jazz
artists.”
“Then I need to listen to more of your collection.” He isn’t
looking at me as he speaks but seems to enjoy every bite of
his meal. My eyes are glued to him. “This is good.” He
looks up to find me watching him. He doesn’t hide this
time.
“I’m glad you are enjoying it. I love to cook and feeding
you has become my new favourite thing.” He swallows at
my admission. I continue to hold his stare.
“I love how you take care of me.” his admission fires my
blood and something satisfying settles my heart.
“I’m glad, now finish your food.” He smiles again and we
continue with our food while I regale him with stories of
how I collected my records and how I got into jazz. This
leads us to discuss our favourite songs. We have such vast
difference in our taste of music. He loves the new indie
artists, even his choice of rap and hip-hop is new. While I
go crazy for old school he loves everything modern. When
we’ve exhausted the music genres we like we move on to
books. The one thing we have in common, we are not TV
people and we love to read. But while I go crazy for
historical fiction and non-fiction, he loves thrillers and
fantasies.
“Why, fantasy?” I ask. We’ve long finished our meal and
moved to the lounge, with our second glass of wine. He
sits at the opposite end of the couch, shoes off and his one
leg tucked in. he seems more relaxed than I’ve ever seen.
Even so, there is always darkness lurking behind the small
doses of light. It’s always sinister, threatening to take over.
“It’s the escape it provides me. All the things in real life
that are impossible are impossible in fantasy. I get to
escape into this new world that has its own rules.” He so
animated and his eyes are bright with such delight. I turn
fully to face him, soaking in this moment. This side of him
I barely see. I love seeing his joy. It’s addictive. He is
absolutely gorgeous. With his smooth skin and clean
shaven face. His eyes are round and big and just as clear.
He keeps everything neat, even his hair cut in a short fade.
It must be a pilot thing. It’s his dark wide lips that hold my
interest. They look soft. So I tune out everything but him. I
listen to him talk about books. His favourite titles and
authors. The man reads, a lot. He is also smart. Not that
I’d ever doubted that. He is a pilot for crying out loud,
that’s no easy feat.
“I’m boring you, aren’t I?” he asks after a while.
“Nothing could be further from the truth.” He smiles. “I
love listening to you. Why haven’t we ever hung out
before?”
“Because, you are my uncle’s best friend. I was probably an
annoyance in your lives once upon a time.” I pretend to
think.
“Ah, there was that one time when you seemed to be
dodging school for shebeens.” He flinches and his light
dims. I regret bringing that up instantly.
“Not my finest moment, I must admit.”
“You were going through a lot.” He unfolds his legs and
puts his empty glass on the coffee table.
“I must head home.”
“Or you can stay.” I check the time. It’s after midnight.
“It’s late, you can have the spare bedroom.” He hesitates.
“There is two to choose from with freshly laundered linen,
I promise.” He smiles.
“Okay, I’ll stay.” I get on my feet. My heart galloping.
Getting ahead of myself.
“Follow me.”
“Let me rinse these off firsts.” He indicates to our empty
wine glasses.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll sort them out.” I feel his heat as
he follows me down the passage. I walk past the first guest
room and open the door to the next. It’s bigger with an en-
suite bathroom. “You can crash here. There are fresh
towels in the bathroom and a kit for guests with a new
toothbrush. You are welcome to use those.” He nods but
doesn’t move to go in. His eyes are guarded so I can’t even
read him.
“Thank you for this evening,” he says. “I needed it.” I
briefly run my hand over his arm and his muscles tighten. I
don’t linger with the touch.
“You can always talk to me; you know that right?”
“I’m not a talker Lunga.”
“I know,” I smile. “Good night.” I turn and leave without
waiting for his reply. If I don’t remove myself from his
presence, I’ll end up mauling his lips with mine on the
door way. I can be sure that would be a guaranteed way to
have him running.
Zuki

“Hold on to the bar babes.” My breath is laboured as I

hold Nhlakanipho up. I did the very mistake I was warned
against, I didn’t lock the wheel chair and it slid away. I see
sweat forming on his forehead. His shoulders are flexing
and pain is etched on his face.
“I would if I knew where the bar is.” He says through
clenched teeth.
“Stretch to your left Nhlakanipho, its right there.” He
doesn’t respond but I see his arm stretching feeling for the
direction. I shoulder put his hand there before trying to get
him off the wheel chair. Or better yet I should have given
him the sponge bath I’ve been doing the past few days. But
it wasn’t enough. He needed the shower, otherwise the
room would reek. He tries for the bar again and then it
happens fast, I don’t know who slipped, probably me, but
there is nothing I can do. I lose my grip on him and he
lands with a harsh cry while I land on my ass. His moans
are painful as he tries to pull himself up without success.
Half of his body is lying over me and I can’t move. My
wrist is throbbing; I must have landed on it in trying to
find balance.
“I need to get up Zuki.” He says between harsh breaths.
He is drenched in sweat.
“I need to roll you over, so I can get up.”
“I think I hurt something. I can’t.” I try to pull myself
from under him, but the moment I put weight on my wrist,
the pain that shoots through makes me want to vomit.
“You are also hurt.”
“My wrist.” Tears spring o my eyes. But I refuse to let
them fall. I breath through the pain. I need to get help. I
know I left my phone on the kitchen counter. The kids are
with my mom, at least with them around, I know one of
them would be lurking outside this bathroom. something
wet spread over my thighs as Nhlakanipho groans. He
covers his face with his hands. “It’s okay Nhla,” I say as
the smell of urine fills the space.
“No, it’s fucking not!” He says with despair that breaks my
heart.
“I need to get help.” Even if I manage to roll him over, I
can’t pull him up to his wheelchair not with my hurt wrist.
With one last cry, he rolls over until half his body is on the
tiled floor. I ignore the wet spot on his sweatpants and pull
myself out from under him. I ignore his pained moans. I
don’t look at him as I head out the door, holding my wrist
to my chest. I need to get my phone and call daddy. I don’t
think Ntando is around. I haven’t seen him lately. It’s
either he stays elsewhere or he leaves the house very early
and return too late. He almost runs into me as he heads for
the front door.
“Thank God you are here; I need your help.” His eyes go
wide when he sees my wrist.
“What happened?” I don’t have time to answer. I turn and
rush back to my husband.
“It’s your uncle, he fell.” My breath catches in my throat.
“Is he okay.”
“I don’t know. I think I might have aggravated his injury.”
Ntando keeps quiet as he follows me. I push the door
open and allow him to go in but not before noticing Nhla
is sitting up leaning his back against the wall. It must have
taken a lot for him to move to that position. And judging
by the look on his face, in a lot of pain too. Ntando
immediately removes his jacket and throws it to the side
and goes to crouch before his uncle.
“Uncle, are you in pain?” Nhla glances at me then nods. I
can see the shame crawling underneath his skin. J want to
reassure him that there is nothing to be ashamed of but
I’m so mad at myself for putting him in this position.
“I need to get under the shower first.” His eyes drop to his
lap.
“Aunty please open the shower door for me and make sure
the bench in there is steady.” I move to action at Ntando’s
words then step aside to allow them room. I watch as he
picks up his uncle and move him to the bench in the
shower just for him. Once he has him settled he closes the
shower door and angle the faucet at a side where it
wouldn’t spray on Nhlakanipho. He waits for a reasonable
temperature while stripping him off. Ntando works fast
and efficient as if he has done this before. While I might
have caused more damage but trying to do it myself. I
should’ve called him. I should’ve take the suggestion of a
home aid. My husband wouldn’t be this humiliated because
of me. Ntando talks to his uncle through every move
before he does it. Nhlakanipho head is dropped
throughout the process, he nods here and the there but the
curve of if shoulders shows defeat, desolation and despair.
I want to scream at the universe, call out this unfairness
but I don’t. Instead I watch on the side-lines.
“Aunty, I need towels,” Ntando’s clipped voice breaks my
mini pity party. Or major one. I hurry to fetch the towels
and return as quickly as I can manage with a throbbing
wrist. Ntando snatches the towel from me without even
looking at me and begins to dry my husband who keeps his
head down the entire time. Ntando’s clothes are drenched,
he at least remover his shoes before jumping into the
shower. I watch as he picks up Nhla and step aside to
allow him space as he carries him to the bedroom. I don’t
follow. I try to clean up the floor with the towel I had
dropped earlier but it’s not an easy thing to do with one
hand so I abandon the task. When I re-enter the bathroom
Nhla is already settled in under the covers with his eyes
closed. His face is covered in a sheen of sweat. Ntando is
pacing outside the balcony with a phone against his ear. I
look away from the tall man I hardly recognise and sit on
the bed next to Nhlakanipho.
“Baby,” his eyes remain closed. “I’m sorry. I should’ve
asked for help in bathing you.” No response. “How do you
feel? Should we call a doctor?”
“No.” His voice is strained. “Ntando gave me pain killers,
I’d like to be alone now please.” A sharp dart pierces
through my heart and I drag a long breath in just to relieve
the sting. I sit for a few moments, gathering my will to
leave or to stay and fuss over Nhla. Eventually I move and
make my way to the kitchen. A while later Ntando walks
in, he has changed his clothes into sweatpants and t-shirt.
“Are you not going to work?” I ask avoiding contact with
him.
“No, I called in, I’ll do some work from home today.”
“You don’t have to do that Ntando. Your uncle and I will
be fine.” He is rummaging through the fridge and he
comes up with a bag of frozen beans. He wraps them with
a dry dish cloth and approaches me.
“Are you? Really?” I blink at his assertive tone. Aggressive,
towards me? Yes, I’m used to it but this tone is strange. He
grabs my forearm. “You need to ice this.” I flinch when
the bag contacts my throbbing wrist. I’ve almost forgot
about it but now with the ice bag against it, it reminds me
of the pain I’m in. “Hold this here for a bit.” The doorbell
rings just as I slide into a chair.
“Are you expecting someone?” I ask when I see him move
to answer.
“Yes, Ma no Baba weren’t in reach so I called Lunga.” He
checks the gate camera before opening the gate.
“Why?” I know Lunga is a family friend but I find it
strange that Ntando would call him before even sis Nelly
or Aza for that matter.
“Because we need his help.” He says. A knock interrupts
him and he goes to open the door. I watch from the
kitchen as Lunga walks in. He scans Ntando as if looking
for injuries then his hands are on Ntando’s shoulder,
rubbing and squeezing. Ntando suddenly looks vulnerable
like I’d never seen before. He is speaking and Lunga is
frowning. I can’t hear what they are saying but there is
something familiar between the two. Something I’d never
noticed before. All the tension in Ntando seems to have
vanished since Lunga walked in. After a few minutes of
their quite chat Lunga looks my direction and he let go of
Ntando. I watch them as they approach me. It could be my
imagination but it seems as if Ntando is physically drawn
to Lunga like a magnet. He seems to get closer and closer
to him. I shake my head off. Ntando has never been a
touchy person. He has boundaries none of us, even his
uncle could cross. It isn’t so much verbal but the way he
carries himself like an outsider. Like he never belonged.
Huh? Why haven’t I thought of that before?
“Hey Zuki.” Lunga greets and my head snaps breaking my
thoughts. “Ntando tells me you are hurt?” another
reminder, I’m in pain.
“I might have landed on my wrist and strained it.” I lift my
arm to show him, with the bag of peas still pressed against
my wrist.
“She needs to go to the hospital to have it checked.”
Ntando says. Lunga glances at him.
“I think so too.” He smiles at me. “That’s why I’m here,
actually, to drive you to the hospital.” I shake my head
before he even finishes.
“I can’t do that. I need to be here for Nhla.”
“How much of help will you be to him while you are in
pain?” I can hear the faint accusation behind Ntando’s
carefully said words. Like how much of help I was earlier
when I almost reinjured his uncle. I drop my eyes in shame
and only give a clipped nod.
“I’ll grab my bag.” I mumble and drop the make shift ice
bag on the sink and skitter away like a chastised child. In
my room I think of changing but the thought of anything
touching my wrist wrong has me abandoning that idea. I
grab my handbag and return downstairs where Lunga and
Ntando are standing so close to each other. And my heart
stalls at the shy smile on Ntando’s face. Wow. I wouldn’t
believe it if I haven’t just seen it with my own eyes. Lunga
says something to him and Ntando chuckles and shyly
looks down. Then Lunga places his fingers below Ntando’s
chin and lists his face. I feel like I’m intruding on a sacred
moment.
“I’m ready!” My voice sounds too loud and the two subtle
move apart.
“How are you, Zuki?” Lunga asks after a while of driving
in silence.
“I’m not the one you should be concerned for Lunga,
Nhlakanipho is the injured one.” I look outside the
window watching the traffic we drive past.
“Still as a caretaker it can’t be easy.” I glance at him and
find him watching me. I look away unable to hold his stare.
If I do, I’m going to crumble under that pity.
“I’ll be okay.” We are once again silent.
“Have you thought of getting fulltime care for him?”
“And make my husband feel like a burden I can’t handle!”
I snap.
“Maybe he’d rather have a professional taking care of his
needs like that than his wife.” He says. His tone is gently
and I know his words aren’t made to hurt but they do
anyway. “Zuki, he has a lot to deal with, his mobility, his
eye sight and he has to depend to people for a lot of
things, that can be humiliating for him. Maybe he might
get comfort in the knowledge that the person who does
that is a professional doing their job. Besides, you won’t be
able to do much with that wrist.” I don’t respond, I keep
my eyes glued to the passing traffic. “I’m not saying
abandon him, but you need the help. Ntando will not be
there all the time and if you don’t then he won’t be able to
function at work knowing you two are struggling at home.”
I turn to look at him then.
“You two seem to have connected.” He smiles.
“Yeah, your nephew is great.” Then he seems to realise
what he just said and his smile falters. “I mean I’ve always
known that but working with him has shown me how
brilliant he is.”
“That he is.” I sigh. “I’ll ask Dr. Phillips to recommend
someone and I’ll look into finding a helper too.” I want my
kids back. We can’t hide them from our problems but I
can also admit that I need the help.
It turns out the wrist is just strained, nothing rest and ice
won’t cure and maybe a little arnica oil. Dr Smith has two
recommendations for home based care giver and
fortunately they are readily available for interview which
Lunga is part of. We both decide on a male nurse and he’d
be moving in with us the following day. After sitting down
and talking to him, I’m not as anxious as I was before
about outside help. The man, Phumlani, knows what he is
doing. It’s late afternoon when we leave the hospital. My
parents called earlier to check up on me and Bonolo left
messages before boarding her flight for duty. I miss
Thandi, I wish she worked closer to me instead of Cape
Town which at this point feels like another country.
When we arrive home, I leave Lunga on his own devises to
see my husband. I’ve been worried about him the entire
day and when I didn’t hear from Ntando my anxieties have
shot through the room. I walk in to find Ntando sitting on
a chair by Nhla’s bedside reading a book aloud.
Nhlakanipho is leaning against the headboard listening
attentive a small smile teasing at his lips. He seems at peace
and I almost step back, wary of intruding. But then his
head comes up as if he could sense me.
“Hey, guys. I’m back.” I walk in watching emotions play
out on his face. Worry, hurt then lastly shame.
“Is your wrist okay?” he asks and my heart clenches at his
gentle tone.
“Yes.” My voice break. I clear my throat. “Nothing a little
rest won’t fix.” He stretches his arm towards me. I rush to
his side on the bed, taking his hand with as I crawl next to
him.
“I’ll leave you guys to it.” I barely hear Ntando as I burrow
myself in my husband’s embrace. It’s been a while since
we’ve touched each other in any intimate way.
“I’m sorry baby.” He kisses the top of my head. I wrap my
arms around his waist. Careful with my wrist.
“Not your fault.” I kiss his temple.
“Not for just the wrist but the way I’ve been with you
lately. Things are just too hard to adjust.”
“You will adjust baby and I’m here for you all the way.”
Now would be a good time to tell him about the caregiver
I hired but I want to stay in this bubble for a little bit.
Ntando

Lunga is standing in the kitchen looking out the window. I

stand in the doorway and watch him, the wide expanse of
his shoulders that tappers into a leaner waist then the hard
globe of his ass, down his solid thighs. He is a fine
specimen of a man. A small part of me can’t believe he is
here, that he dropped everything for me. but a big part of
me accepts it, it the reason I called him before everyone
else. It’s the reason he was the only person I thought of
this morning when I realised I needed help. And the most
jarring part, it feels good to need him. I move to stand
beside him, he turns as our shoulders brush, then his face
breaks into a brilliant smile.
“Hey, are you okay?” His eyes scan my face.
“I’m okay.”
“How is your uncle?”
“he is fine, no injuries.” I place my hand briefly on his arm.
“Thank you for today.”
“I’ll always be here for you Ntando.” Our eyes lock. There
is an electric pull between us. Surely I’m not the only one
who feels it, am I? How can it be when the heat of his eyes
sears places inside me I never thought existed or
functioned? Butterflies flap their wings wildly in my
stomach and I don’t know who moves closer to whom but
I find myself almost touching him.
“I was thinking of cooking something.” He says with an
odd tone 8n his voice.
“You have to feed someone.” I tease.
“Yes, you.” His eyes search mine. My throat feels dry as if
I’d been walking in the desert for a week. “So what is there
for me to cook?”
“I don’t usually cook here.”
“I’ll find something.” He still hasn’t moved. His eyes on
me heat my skin from the inside.
“Yeah.” He abruptly turns and opens the fridge. I’m left
feeling out of sort but the spell between us is broken even
though I still feel the pull it’s like slow pelting rain against a
window. I grab a glass filling it with water and drink the
entire thing in one go.
“There is fish, chicken, prawns, should I make a prawn
salad? Oh there is salmon as well. What do you feel like?”
He looks at me over his shoulder.
“Anything will do.”
“Grilled fish it is.” He concedes as he comes up with a box
of frozen fish. “Where are your vegetables?” He looks
around the pristine kitchen and then at me as if I know
where everything is.
“I told you, I don’t use this kitchen much. You know
when. I’m here I always try to avoid my aunt.” I don’t
know why I’m sharing that at this moment.
“You don’t seem to be doing that anymore.” He says,
opening cupboards. “Ah here they are.” He takes out four
large potatoes from the vegetable rack inside one of the
cupboards. “Please rinse these off for me.” He passes the
potatoes to me and I proceed to rinse them. Once they are
ready he prepares to bake them stuffing them with some
goodies as he says before shoving the foils covered
potatoes in the oven. Then he prepares the fish. I watch
him from the side-lines
as he effortlessly works in my aunt’s kitchen like he has
been doing it for years. He is always comfortable in the
kitchen and I find that very sexy. I need to be useful so I
clean up after him.
“When is the meeting with Bengu Inc.?” He looks up at
me from pouring a glass of wine for each of us.
“Next week Monday.” I accept the glass from him and lead
him out of the kitchen. He has put the oven on timer so
we should hear it from the living room. I keep glancing
down the passage hoping that things are good between
Uncle and Aunty. Their prolonged time together, hopefully
means good things. Right? I see the struggle between them,
one is trying too hard and the other one is resisting. Pride
always cometh before a fall and I suspect my uncle will
head that direction if he isn’t careful.
I feel a hand over mine on the couch and I turn to find
Lunga’s soft eyes on me. “They’ll be alright.” He says.
How does he know what I’m thinking? Is it not weird how
in tune he is with my feelings? More than me at times. I
drag my eyes away and take a sip of my wine. I have been
indulging more than usual and slacking on my meds. It
should be fine; things have settled down at work. I haven’t
suddenly mastered the work but I know how to delegate.
It’s the home front I’m worried about. “Hey,” Lunga’s
concerned tone bring me bag to the present. “What’s on
your mind?” I let out an empty laugh. His eyebrows lift.
“A lot of things. My mind wonders when there is a lot of
clutter in my life.”
“What does your clutter look like?” he rests his elbow on
the back of the couch.
“I like order, I live a simple predictable life. You know.”
His encouraging nod has me sinking in the couch. “Before
this, I had a pattern, work, come back home, gym, read a
book, eat and repeat. Now there is so many things I have
to do and I battle to focus. I feel off centre, like a wheel
out of alignment.”
“What can I do to help?”
“You are doing it, being here. You are my constant.” I
cringe the moment the words are out. I hope he doesn’t
find me creepy but the smile that brightens his face tells
me otherwise.
“I like that.” He says.
“So what does your normal life look like?”
“Like this,” his eyes dance with mirth. Mine roll to the
back of my head. “To be honest, I’m kind of a workaholic.
Before it would be work, time with the boys.” He tips his
head towards my uncle’s direction. “Family every other
weekend.”
“Your family is around here?” why haven’t I ever met
them or heard him talk about them. Oh right, we were
never friends. I keep forgetting. This thing between us
feels like a lifetime. Memories before he was invested in
my life seem blurry.
“Yes, not far from here actually, Edenvale.”
“Oh, both parents?”
“Yeah, the two still married and live in the same house I
was raised in. Two younger sisters. Feziwe and
Hombakazi. Feziwe is two years younger than me, married
with two kids. Hombi is the baby, four years younger,
married with two kids and one on the way.”
“Wow, that’s a big family. Nephew and nieces?” he nod’s.
“It should be more if my mother had her way. I think the
grandkids don’t mean much unless they come from their
eldest.” He winces.
“Are you feeling the pressure?” he twirls the wine glass,
watching it as he contemplates the answer.
“Yes and no. I don’t really want kids or the commitment
that comes with it but at the same time, I hate
disappointing my parents.”
“Oh.” I don’t know why I feel a crushing disappointment
at his adverse attitude towards kids or commitment.
“Why can’t I just be an uncle and end it at that?”
“Maybe you haven’t met the one person who will change
your mind. Once you meet her you might be singing a
different tune.”
“Or him?”
“Mmh?” I absently respond.
“Maybe I haven’t met her or him.” His eyes hold mine and
I blink.
“Oh, oh. Oh yeah, or him.” I swallow.
“Are you shocked?”
“Yes, no I mean. I… I don’t know.” Heat spreads from
the back my neck. “I didn’t want to assume anything.” I
mumble. He leans closer.
“So, you thought about it?” The heat has become an
inferno and it’s all over. The timer chimes breaking the
sizzling pull between us. “Saved by the bell.” He winks as
gets off the couch. I swallow the entire contents of my
glass in one go and try to regulate my wildly beating heart.
So he goes both ways? What a happy and terrifying
discovery. Happy because maybe I have not been
imagining the pull between us. Terrifying, what the hell do
I know about being in a relationship and what if he doesn’t
feel the way I think he feels for me? Damnit! My head is
about to explode. Am I even attracted to him that way? I
am such a novice at this.
“Hey, Ntando.” My aunt interrupts my thoughts.
“Something smells amazing.”
“Lunga cooked.” She can’t hide her shock.
“Oh, he’s still here?” I tip my head towards the kitchen.
“That’s nice of him.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. Its
strained.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? I just spent the afternoon lying
in my husband’s arms.” Okay. It’s the way she says it like
she is trying to convince herself. “Anyway, Lunga,” he
looks up at the shout of his name. “Do I have time for a
quick shower before you dish up.”
“It’s ready and its fish. It will go dry if you wait.”
“Okay. I’ll shower after.” She sits on the couch opposite
me. “Can I have some of that, please.” She indicates to the
wine.
“Sure.” I grab my glass and leave with it. Lunga looks at
me but doesn’t say anything as I pour wine into a fresh
glass. He has plated for four people already. Aunty takes
their food with her wine to the bedroom while Lunga and
I remain in the dining room. I pull the chair closest to him
because I want to be near him. I’m not even questioning
myself at this point. The fish is succulent with flavours that
explodes in the mouth. The bake potato, just melts. I don’t
speak as I devour every morsel on my plate. I didn’t know
simple ingredients could make something this decadent.
“Who taught you how to cook?” I look up and find him
watching me with amusement on his face.
“Mom taught me. I was the eldest amongst girls, I needed
to learn.” He smiles. “I love the way you enjoy my
cooking. It does something to me.” The heat in his eyes
has me looking away. “Now I understand why mom enjoys
cooking for us so much.”
“The things you say Lunga.” I take a big sip of my wine. I
should really stop. A second glass is overdoing but I love
the buzz. I feel a hand on my jaw, Lunga turns me to face
him, he is so close I can feel his breath on my face. My
eyes drop to his lips and I lick mine. He groans before I
feel his lips on mine. For a millisecond I don’t respond as
my body goes to some sort of an electric spasm. Then all
my senses sharpen, and pleasure explodes in my brain,
veins and blood. I lean towards him, chasing his goodness
as my arms snake around his neck. I’ve never felt anything
so potent. Someone is violently shaking and I realise it’s
me. My hands hold his head; I don’t want him to stop this
magic. My lips part for his tongue, I let out an unbridled
groan. I’m running out of breath and I feel woozy but I
don’t want to let go. I’d rather die. Right here, attached on
his lips and drowning in pleasure. I cry out when he
wrenches his lips from me. Our chests are heaving and his
eyes are blown, reflecting my own need.
“That was hot.” I don’t recognise his voice.
“Why did you stop?” I rasp shamelessly. He plants a soft
kiss that quickly ends.
“If I don’t, I’ll strip you naked and fuck you over this
dining table.” My body tightens and I notice how
uncomfortable I am inside my pants. I have a raging hard
on. So hard I could hammer nails on the wall with it.
“Oh.”
“Ntando, don’t look at me like that.” He still has his hand
cupping my face.
“Like what?” My gaze is glued on his swollen lips.
“Like you want me to devour you.” I lift my gaze to his.
“I do.” I’ve never wanted anything more.
“The food was divine Lunga,” we both jump apart at the
sound of Auntie’s voice. “Nhlakanipho enjoyed it too,
thank you.” She is oblivious to the sexual tension in the
room as she heads for the kitchen. I slide my chair closer
to the table to hide the evidence of my arousal. I notice
Lunga doing the same. My hand trembles as I pick up my
glass, I put it back down. “I’ll go for that shower now.”
She walks past us heading for the stairs. “Oh, Lunga,
Nhlaka would like to see you before you go.” We both
watch her as she climbs the stairs until she disappears from
our sight.
Lunga clears his throat, “I better go see what your uncle
needs.” We both stand.
“I’ll do the dishes.” He nods but he doesn’t move. His eyes
scan mine.
“Are you okay with what just happened?” Am I okay? Hell
yes. I want to do it over and over! Don’t sound desperate
Ntando, a tiny voice warns.
“Yes. Very much.” My answer pleases him. With a brush
of his hand on my arm he turns and leaves. Even that
smallest touch leaves me wanting. It’s like a beast inside of
me has awakened and it will not back down until it is
satisfied. I wash the dishes in a daze, reliving the kiss like
broken record. I keep touching my lips to reassure myself
that I didn’t dream the whole thing and the sting pulsing
through them is a gentle reminder. Why didn’t anyone tell
me kissing was this enjoyable? Enjoy is such a benign word
to describe the tsunami of feelings I’d just gone through.
I eventually finish the dishes and wiping the counters and
floor until the kitchen is spotless. When there is nothing
else to do I linger in the living room for a while. I go
through messages on my phone, nothing much is
happening. I respond to Kwanele and then check the
emails from Phaks. Nothing there that can’t wait for the
following day. Before I can start pacing, Lunga returns.
“Hey.” He says.
“Hey.” I lamely respond.
“I have to go, it’s late.” He says. I swallow down the
crushing disappointment pressing on my chest. “Would
you like to go with me?” for a split second I’m ecstatic
until I realise, Aunty needs me until the nurse can arrive
and he is only coming tomorrow.
“I can’t. I have to help with Uncle Nhla.” He winces.
“Of course, I mean that was stupid of me.”
“Rain check?”
“Absolutely.” He presses his lips on my cheek and then he
is gone. It’s a while before I move from where he left me
standing. I first check in on aunty and uncle. They reassure
me they are fine then I head for my bedroom after
extracting a promise they’d call if they need me. My dreams
are conflicting, I’m roaming between a state of arousal and
anxiety. It’s like my new awakened desire has also
reawakened the despair I felt at a loss of my mother. And
that is not something I like to relive.
Ntando

In the following days, Lunga and I don’t find time together

and I’m dying for a repeat of that explosive kiss. It has
kept me in a state of perpetual arousal for days. Something
I’m not used to. Every morning, I can barely keep my dick
down. The fucking thing is waking up, and it’s a creature
with a mind of its own. I woke up this morning with a
monster boner that I haven’t seen in, ever, well except
when Lunga was kissing me. It’s long and thick and
springy, standing up toward my six pack. It’s so sensitive it
hurts, so sensitive that I could come just tracing my
fingertips around the head of it. Even thinking about it has
me tightening in my pants. I need more of Lunga. More of
that kiss. More of what he can give me, that is if we can
ever find ourselves in the same room again. What if he is
avoiding me? But Lunga isn’t the type to play games is he?
He did explain to me though that he had meetings back to
back and also court days. I need to chill. I don’t even know
what it is between us yet, except for the want. It could’ve
been fleeting moment for him. I need to calm down and
prepare for my own meetings.
Which is what I do for the rest of the day. It’s late when I
get home but everyone is still up. It was uncle Nhla’s first
day of physio and I’m anxious to find out how it went. The
kids are back since, Phumlani arrived a few days ago. Aunt
Zuki has all the help she needs now, that should take a
load of her but as the days go she seems to be drinking
more and more in the evening. I don’t really know her
evening patterns but I don’t remember her being a heavy
drinker. It has me concerned but I don’t want to share my
concern with her. I’m still a child in her eyes no matter
how grown up I am. I wouldn’t dare bring it up with uncle
Nhla either, he has lots to deal with. He seems to come in
and out of dark moods. You can never tell which uncle
you were going to encounter on any given moment. The
subdued, irritable, angry or hopeful one. The latter barely
makes appearance.
After reading to Azaphe and Khanya, I make my way to
uncle Nhlakanipho’s room. Phumlani retired to his
quartets a while back and I haven’t seen aunty. I knock and
wait before a muffled voice tell me to come in.
“Hey, Malume.” The room is bathed in dim light and uncle
Nhla is sitting on his wheelchair by the side of the bed. He
acknowledges my greeting with a smile.
“Hello Ntando. Come in.” I notice a tablet on his lap and
earphones attached on one ear.
“This is new.” I indicate to the tabled then belatedly realise
he can’t see me. “The tablet I mean.”
“Oh, Lunga brought it earlier today, it’s a Kindle.” Lunga
was here. If uncle could see my hurt and shock on my face
he’d have questions. So Lunga is avoiding me.
“That’s nice of him.”
“It is and I’m enjoying, listening to audio books. Okay I’ve
just started but this is better than the silence.” Why didn’t
any of us think of it?
“What book are you listening to?”
“Ekow Duker, Dying in New York.”
“Is it any good?”
“So far, it has my interest. I don’t know for how long
though. I’m not really a bookworm like you.” A small smile
teases his lips.
“As long as it keeps you busy. You should listen to some
podcasts too, there are quite a few interesting ones I can
recommend.” This would keep his mind occupied.
“Yeah. You do that.”
“How was today?”
He sighs, “Painful.”
“I hurt myself before at rugby, sometimes physio is more
painful than the injury.”
“That’s how I felt today. I hope all the pain brings results.”
“It will uncle Nhla.”
“You know, I don’t know which I want more, my sight or
mobility, the thought of not regaining either of them
terrifies me Ntando.” I want to reassure him he will but I
don’t know that.
“Do the best you can uncle and leave the rest to God.” He
doesn’t need to know I’ve lost faith in the almighty long
ago. He needs to cling to any positivity as much as he can.
“How do you find Phumlani?”
“He is great; it helps to know that he is doing his job.
There is less shame.” He sighs. “I love Zuki but I couldn’t
handle her seeing me that pathetic.”
I scoff. “We call that toxic masculinity, uncle.” He shrugs.
“Well I guess I’m susceptible then.”
“We all are at some point.”
“Tell me something less depressing?” He says. I shift in my
chair.
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, Ntando. Anything that doesn’t involve my
injuries I suppose.” He smiles or he tries to. His smiles are
less bright and more strained lately and the beard covering
his jaw makes him look depressed as fuck. “Are you dating
anyone? You never bring any girls home. At your age I was
almost engaged or was I engaged to your aunt?” my heart
gallops as I think of the heated kiss I shared with Lunga.
What would uncle Nhla do if he knew his best friend and I
had massaged each other’s tonsils? I don’t want to find out
especially since it didn’t go anywhere and I can’t really
declare my sexuality based on that kiss. Can I?
“My line of work makes it difficult to date.” I hedge.
“Oh come on Ntando, you are in your prime. Your job on
its own is a chick magnet.”
“Chick magnet? Really uncle! Who still uses those terms.”
He chuckles.
“This old dinosaur.”
“You are not old.”
“A decade older than you.” This makes me think of Lunga.
He is probably the same age as my uncle. I consider the
age difference between us. Ten years isn’t bad. What could
have him running away, then? His relationship with my
uncle for sure. Or he is just not into me. That can’t be
right though. Does he look at everyone the way he looks at
me? Or does he take care of everyone else like he does me?
I could be wrong but I don’t think so. There is something
there.
I sit and chat with uncle for a while until aunty Zuki walks
in wearing a barely there lingerie set. It could be my
imagination but before I avert my eyes I notice she isn’t
steady on her feet. She still has a half filled glass of wine in
hand.
“Your boy’s time is over, I need some time with my
husband, Ntando.” She purrs.
“I’ll help with getting him on the bed.”
“I’m good Ntando, I’d like to remain upright for a bit.
Phumlani has been showing me how to use my upper body
to transfer myself.”
“Okay, goodnight to you both.” I don’t wait for a response
as I flee the room. But I notice aunty sliding over uncle’s
lap. I pick up my pace.
In my room lying on my back with all the time in the world
to think, my mind is stuck on a certain kiss. I toy with my
phone and this has been going on for the past hour. My
mind is in a heated argument with itself. Should I call or
message him? He is the one always taking the initiative
with calls and texts and the past few days, both those have
been far and few in between. I don’t want to come off as
pushy or clingy but, I miss him. I take another deep breath
and finally press my finger on the dial button. It rings
unanswered until it goes to voicemail. I hang up and roll
into a ball as shame crawls under my skin. He is avoiding
me. A few seconds later, my phone beeps and a message
comes through.
|In a meeting. I’ll call back when
it’s done| relief floods my veins. My reaction isn’t
reassuring me. I shouldn’t be acting this way towards
Lunga but unfortunately those warnings go unheeded. I
wait for his call with unrestrained excitement. I can’t even
concentrate enough to read a book. Its’s two hours later
when my phone rings jarring me from almost sleepy state.
“Hello.”
“Hey.” I hope I didn’t wake you. His deep voice, massages
something in my brain and It feels like I’m high on drugs.
As if know the feeling.
“No. I’m up.” I say. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good. Missing you.” A gasp escapes me.
“Lunga, I thought you were avoiding me.”
“Why would you think that?”
“I haven’t seen you lately.” I lamely say.
“I’ve had court dates back to back and meetings in
between. Daniel is keeping me busy as well that side. I’m
sorry you felt that way.” I feel like a worst human for
complaining when he was just doing his job. I don’t even
have the right to be upset.
“I’m sorry. You don’t owe me any explanation.” He
groans.
“Ntando, I don’t but I want to.” This settles something in
me. “Listen, on Sunday is our quarterly lunch gathering at
home. It’s probably the only day I’m free on, for the next
two weeks and I can’t wait that long to see you. Would you
like to join me?” I think I stop breathing for a few seconds.
“What? I mean how would that look like to your family?”
“Ntando, you’ll come as a friend. I am allowed to have
friends. Nhlakanipho and KG have done this with me
plenty of times.”
“Oh.” I shrug off the disappointing feeling sinking at the
pit of my stomach. Of course he is taking me as his friend.
What did I expect he’d do? Declare me to his family as his
boyfriend. Boyfriend that I’m not. “I’d love that.”
“Great. I’ll fetch you around ten. Now I have to go, I have
another conference call.” I check the time. It’s almost 10
pm.
“At this time?”
“The stock market doesn’t sleep and so do my clients.
Good night Ntando.”
“Night.” He hangs up and I’m left cradling the phone to
my chest.
Friday, is busy at work. It drags further since I don’t see
Lunga the rest of the day. The meeting with Bengu Inc. is
confirmed for Monday. I feel comforted that they have
agreed to work with us but it is only the beginning. I still
need to secure the accounts and it will take more than
having Bengu Inc. as our architect. I have been preparing
with the team and this projects adds to my sleepless nights.
I don’t want to let Uncle Nhla and his friends down but
added to that burden, after knowing most of the staff, I
really don’t want to see them lose their jobs. So this has to
work out.
During a rare moment of silence in my office, no calls,
emails or people coming in and out, I hear a sound of an
aircraft flying over us. An intense wave of longing crushes
me so hard I’m left gasping. I rub a spot on my chest that
just spasmed, it felt like a physical pull. I miss flying. With
everything in me. And I hate myself for feeling like this.
When I realised that the CEO interim position was
indefinite, I had to resign from work. Resigning from a job
that wasn’t just a job but a way of life for me is gutting. It’s
a sacrifice I needed to make but that doesn’t make it any
easier to accept. My cell phone rings pulling me out of my
depressive thoughts and it lifts my mood a little to see
Kwanele’s name on the screen flashing.
“Hey bud, what up?”
“You know, I made peace during your flying days with the
fact that sometimes you were unreachable but now that
you hold a regular job like regular folks, I don’t know what
your reasoning is for not returning my calls.”
“Being an inexperience and unqualified CEO doesn’t fall
under regular Kwani.”
He grunts. “I’ll give you that. But still, you are as bad as me
and I have a solid excuse. I am a doctor.”
“My bad man. I’ll do better.”
“How is everything that side?” I sigh.
“Work is work. Home front, just as uncertain.”
“That bad huh?” This is Kwani, I’ve always been able to
talk to him. Not entirely opened up but he got it better
than most. Until Lunga of course.
“It’s an adjustment for all of us.”
“What are you doing to distract yourself, met any fine
secretaries?” he chuckles at his lame joke.
“Personal Assistants and no. I do not have time for such
activities.”
“There is no such thing my man. You must always make
time for pussy,” I cringe at the word. “It’s a man’s rite of
passage.” For a second a big part of me is tempted to share
about the kiss but then something holds me back. This is
just too sacred to share. I’d like to keep it close for just a
bit longer. Protect it in its cocoon.
“You know me. I’m not much of a socialite.”
“We need to change that. I have some leave days. I will
come visit in a few months.”
“I’ll see it when it happens.”
“I’m serious. I’ll tell you what, tomorrow I’ll email you a
copy of my leave application.” I smile, because that is
something Kwanele would do. He has an easy way of
doing things. He lives for now, doesn’t overcomplicate his
life like I do and he also has his silly moment. He always
tells me that I take life too seriously. That’s the way I’m
build I guess. I always have to have a plan.
“I believe you.” We chat for a little while longer before he
hangs up. Then it’s back to work for me until I have to go
home. Work has kept me so busy with no time to think of
anything else or anyone else. When I get home, it’s a full
house. The kids are back, the grandparents are also visiting
with Mam Neli, who I haven’t seen in a while. Bonolo is
also off duty. If it wouldn’t be considered rude, I would
escape for the confines of my room. But of course I don’t.
I sit in the lounge with everyone and partially listen to the
chatter around me while my mind keep drifting to
thoughts of Lunga. My uncle isn’t any different as he sits
on his wheelchair in a corner, seemingly paying attention
to the conversations around him. Eventually after dinner, I
manage to escape to the quiet of my room. The space that
usually affords me peace doesn’t do that this time. My
mind is whirling and my heart if filled with longing. I miss
Lunga. When did I get here?
In my bored state. My mind wanders. What would it be
like to be with a guy? I’ve never thought about this before
but now I’m curious and my curiosity leads me to google.
On search engine, I type how do you know you are gay.
Articles after articles describe how different people will
know. Some always knew, some discover their sexuality
when they are older. Of course it isn’t as black and white
as I’d hoped. There are different spectrums. Once I search
those it’s like going down a rabid hole. I lose hours reading
and by the time my eyes begin to hurt my mind is blown
and more confused than when I began my search. Then I
make a mistake of searching, same sex intercourse and my
screen is flooded with images I could’ve done without.
Here is the thing, on top of being sexless, I’m also a prude.
I’d never seen value in porn. I tried when I wanted to find
out what the fuss was about but then, the disgust I felt at
seeing people engaging in sex didn’t elicit the response I
was hoping for. Besides, I always believe the porn industry
was just an enabler of human trafficking. I close the
browser and toss my phone to the side.
Every time I close eyes the explicit images I just seen
invade my mind. I can’t seem to shut my brain off. Instead
of doing its intended purpose, which is, I assume to arouse
a person they make me want to bleach my brain. It’s not
the gay sex, it’s the sex content in general. I’ve felt like that
about straight porn the few times I ventured into the dark
side. It’s a while later, with sleep eluding me I decide to go
for a swim. It might help clear my mind or make me too
exhausted to think.
After a few laps in the pool I hear muffled voices from
Uncle Nhla’s room. I swim towards my phone and check
the time. It’s after midnight. Why is he up at this time and
better yet, who is he arguing with? I don’t have to wait
long to find out as the sliding door open and Aunt Zuki
walks out. She is wearing a short morning gown, coming
mid-thigh and its barely tied if I can see she is naked
underneath. She hasn’t seen me yet as she approaches the
lounger.
“Can’t sleep?” she jumps at the sound of my voice and that
allows me a view of her body. I look away.
“Ntando, Jesus! You scared me. I didn’t think anyone was
out here.” She sounds closer and I’m hoping she has fixed
her gown. I can’t avoid looking at her for much longer.
“I was just leaving.” I say heaving myself out of the pool.
My swim shorts cling to me and I suddenly feel self-
conscious.
“Here.” I see the towel shoved in my face. I take a relived
breath to see that she has fixed herself. “You don’t have to
go on my account. Actually I wouldn’t mind the
company.” Her eyes plead with mine and I don’t have it in
me to deny her. I’ve been rude and short with her for far
too long, I can’t seem to continue anymore. I nod and
wrap the towel around my shoulders as I follow her to the
loungers. She sits on the same lounger as me but there is
space between us. “It’s a beautiful evening.” She is looking
up in the sky. We live in an area even with the bright lights,
one can still make out the starts scattered in the sky.
“Yeah it is.” It was warm too but it would be just awkward
to talk about the weather.
“Your uncle and I used to swim a lot when the kids went
to sleep.” A smile teases a corner of her mouth. “But now
all we seem to do is fight. Fight about the food he eats, if
he is eating enough, or exercising too much or ignoring me
or not touching me. Its fight, fight, fight. I can’t seem to
do anything right.” I shift uncomfortable with the direction
the conversation has swiftly taken. It’s only now I realise
that she sounds drunk.
“Give it time, aunty, he is healing.” Honesty this should be
obvious but I wouldn’t dare point this out with her. She
has her reasons for feeling the way she does. “Have you
spoken to Sis Aza?” she frowns.
“Why would I do that?”
“I think you and uncle would benefit from a professional
like her. It doesn’t have to be her, I’m sure you can find
someone else.” She laughs but there is no humour in it.
“You mean therapy. What are they going to do? Fix my
husband’s eyesight? Make him walk? Remove this fear
that’s rooted deep in me. Therapy is a scam Ntando.” She
waves an unsteady hand towards me.
“It does help sometimes. It depends who you get and if
you are committed.”
“Did it help you?”
“Pardon?” I frown at her.
“After your mother’s death did therapy help?” Pain slashes
across my belly.
“I … ah.”
“I didn’t think so.” Her words are carelessly thrown and
they hurt. I have to keep reminding myself that she is
under the influence of alcohol but it doesn’t lessen the
sting. “Go to sleep Ntando, I don’t know why I even
bother. I mean you always have this superior attitude like
you are better than the rest of us. Now you think because
I’m going through a hard time it must mean I’m crazy.”
“I didn’t mean…” she waves me off as she abruptly gets
up and then sways. I rush to hold her up. She shrugs my
hand off her elbow. Don’t touch me! I’m fine.” I step back
and watch her return to the house. What was that? My
phone is still where I left it by the pool, I grab it and head
back to the house. I had been mildly suggesting therapy
earlier but now I know for sure she needs it.
The following day I stay out of the house as much as I can.
Uncle Nhla has Phumlani for assistance, Bonolo has
apparently taken aunt Zuki shopping and the grand parents
are around to look after the kids. My first stop is gym and I
spend quiet sometime in there, then I go for lunch. After
lunch I hit up a book store. I have a couple of hard copies
I’ve been meaning to buy but haven’t gotten around to. It’s
late in the afternoon when I find myself sitting in my car,
in a mall undercover parking, with nowhere to go. It’s too
early for me to head home and I can’t think of anything
else to do that would help me pass time. I miss my
apartment in Cape Town. It might have felt lonely at times
but it was my own space far from anyone and anything. I
could read my books in peace seating in my swing egg
chair with the view of the sea stretched out before me. I
love my uncle and his family, don’t get me wrong but at
this point I’m dreading going back there. My finger hovers
above Lunga’s contact. He told me he would be busy. But
it’s a Saturday, why would he work so hard on a Saturday?
Ntando, you do not have the right to those question. Fuck
it. I press dial. The phone rings for a while just as I’m
about to hang up he answers.
“Hello.” He sounds preoccupied in his greeting or maybe
my guilt for disturbing him is making me read too much
into it.
“Hey.”
“Hey Ntando.” My belly flutters.
“I’m sorry. I know you said you’d be busy.” My voice
trails. Honestly now that I have his attention I don’t know
what to say.
“When I said that I wasn’t implying total silence Ntando. I
don’t mind your calls; in fact, I appreciate them.”
“You do?”
“Don’t sound so surprised, you know I love talking to
you.” Well I guessed that but I wasn’t sure. “What are you
up to?”
“I’m sitting in a mall parking lot, avoiding to go home.” He
is quiet for a few breaths.
“Come over here.”
“I wasn’t fishing for an invite Lunga.”
“I know you weren’t but I still want you to come over if
you want of course. Get your staff then we can leave for
my parent’s house together.” My heart is beating wildly.
I’m ecstatic.
“Okay, I’ll go grab my staff. I should be there in two
hours.”
“I can’t wait.” There is a pause. “I must warn you though,
I won’t be great company, I wasn’t lying when I told you I
had lots of work to do.”
“Maybe…”
“Get here Ntando. I mean it.” His tone brooks no
argument.
“Okay.” I hang up and immediately notice the wide smile
splitting my face. I press my fingers on my lips and linger
with the feeling I have. I’m not used feeling this way, like
I’m floating in a cloud. The weight of the world is absent. I
start the car and drive home.
No one is around to notice me when I arrive home and
I’m grateful for that. I love my family but I need them in
small dosages. I pack a bag and while I pack, I place a call
to my favourite pizza place. I want to surprise Lunga with
dinner, hopefully he loves pizza as much as I do. If not the
wine bottle, I take with should sweeten the deal. I shoot a
text to my uncle letting him know I’ll be sleeping out. He
responds with a smirking emoji. The childish behaviour
has me smiling. I grab a bottle of wine from my uncle’s
cellar which I make a mental note to replace later and then
on the way to Lunga’s I pick up the pizza.
The security at his estate allows me through without
interrogation. I assume he has alerted them of my arrival
and that also brings a smile to my face. His double garage
is open and I park next to his car. My car dwarfing his. We
are so different, age, personality and even our tastes in
cars. Why would I be so attracted to him so badly? I guess
it’s the small details that matters. The garage door closes
behind me while the one that leads to the house opens and
Lunga comes out wearing sweatpants, t-shirt and a smile.
My eyes drop to his socks clad feet and then back up to his
contagious smile. He moves closer to me and I just stand
and stare at him like an idiot. When he is standing too
close not even a book can fit between us, his hand cups my
jaw.
“Hey.” His eyes drop to my lips.
“Hey Lunga.” He brings his arms around me and pulls me
in a tight hug. His scent, a mixture of him and his signature
cologne surrounds me. I inhale deeply, spreading the
delicious concoction through my lungs. It trickles through
my bloodstream, energizing my body, and a pleasant buzz
permeates my brain from the potent bouquet. I realise, I
suddenly live for moments such as these. I move closer if
that’s even possible. Clinging to him. His body pushes me
against the car as he tightens his hold further. I feel the
evidence of his arousal against mine and I groan as my
body shudders. I turn my head to him, my lips searching
his he meets me halfway and devours me. It is the only way
to explain how his mouth owns mine. The delicious taste
of him, taking my arousal to dizzy heights. His hands are
everywhere now exploring my body through my clothes.
The clothes that cling uncomfortable to me now, they
chafe at my sensitive skin I want to be rid of them.
“Lunga,” I say my tone husky. Then I groan when his
tongue chases mine.
“Yes.” He growls. I’m needy and desperate for more. If he
doesn’t touch me, I’ll splinter into pieces.
“I want…” I growl right back. He pulls away from my lips
and I chase them. Needing them on me. Our breathing is
laboured. He cups my face his dark, intense eyes searching
mine.
“What do you want Ntando?” I blink through the haze of
arousal. I want more of this. I want to come. I need him to
absorb all this need I’m feeling. It’s driving me insane.
“You.” I settle for that as I reach for his lips. He hesitates
for a brief second before he gives in. we both let out loud
groans as the fire is reignited. His hand fumbles with my
jeans button. I’m not aware of anything else by him, his
taste, scent and the feel of him. But when I feel his hand
wrapping around my solid dick, the keen wail that slips out
of my throat is unrecognisable. I’ve never felt anything like
this. My toes curl inside my shoes and my skin is layered
with a sheen of sweat. I let out incoherent sounds as he
pumps me. My leaking head serves as lubricant. My hands
dig into his back as I chase my completion.
“Gonna.” I don’t fish the warning as I blow into his hand.
Ropes and ropes of cum fill his hand while my vision turns
white.
“That’s was so beautiful Ntando.” I hear his soft spoken
words as if from a distance. As my senses return, I realise
I’m wrapped around him, my knees aren’t exactly holding
me up, if it wasn’t for his solid hold around my back, I
would be a puddle of goo on the floor. My entire body is
trembling and tiny shudders of arousal spike through me at
every second breath. This is what people mean when they
say it’s an earth shattering orgasm? I would never have
believed such a feeling exist had I not just experienced it. I
can still feel his hardness against me and I slightly feel bad
for not reciprocating but I doubt I’d be able to do anything
at this present moment.
“You didn’t…” I mumble against his neck. He chuckles
his chest rumbling against mine.
“This was for you, baby.” Baby, the endearment shoots
through my heart like a physical touch and makes me
heady. I love the sound of it. He should never call me
anything else. Eventually I peel myself away from him,
heart and mind protests.
“I need a shower.” My eyes meet his heated one’s.
“Okay, let’s get you inside.” I only realise when he pulls his
hand out of my pants that he still had it in there. I feel the
loss of his touch already. I’m embarrassed when I see the
glob of cum smeared on his hand. He uses his t-shirt to
wipe and smirks at the way, I’m avoiding him.
“I brought food.” I step back to allow him space and open
the back door. the pizza is probably cold but I don’t care. I
grab the two boxes and the bottle of wine next to them. “I
hope you like pizza,” I say as I come up.
“I love pizza and I love wine.” He smirks, then he grabs
my jeans and buttons them. I squash down my
embarrassment at being so oblivious. “I’ll take these and
you can grab your bag.” He relieves me of the contents in
my hand and heads towards the house. I fill my lungs with
air and grab my bag from the boot then follow him. “You
know where your room is.” He calls from the kitchen. I
hesitate at the bottom of the stairs. Then I decide against
talking and climb up. I walk past the room I used the last
time to his bedroom. I hope he doesn’t think I’m too
forward but after the earlier explosion, I can’t imagine
sleeping anywhere else but with him. I want more of that.
No I need it.
His bedroom is huge. But the bed occupying the centre of
the room is even bigger without overwhelming the space.
It’s all tidy with everything in its place. His high windows,
allow a lot of natural light which accentuates the warm
colours of the bedroom. I love it, it’s airy, comfortable and
easy on the senses. The bathroom is as impressive as the
bedroom. Wide open space, huge bathtub in the centre and
an equally impressive shower. I love the platinum taps that
he has used. The showerhead and the bathtub tap though
take the cup. I quickly shed my sodden clothes and take a
quick shower. Dressed in sweatpants and hoodie. I paddle
barefoot towards the kitchen. The smell of pizza welcomes
me and then the sight of him leaning against his kitchen
counter has my heart missing a beat. I hesitate by the
entrance.
“Come through.” He beckons me to come through. He
runs his eyes hungrily over my body as I approach. An
involuntary shiver snakes down my spine, feeling him
everywhere he looks as if it’s a physical touch. “Do you
want to eat here or dining table.”
“Here is fine.” He gestures towards the high chair. I slide
in and accepts a glass of wine from him. Then he slides a
big platter before us with warmed slices of pizza, assorted
cheese, and assorted fruits. “Wow, trust you to turn a
simple pizza into a gourmet meal.” He chuckles and my
eyes follow him as he fetches two side plates and serviettes.
Even with all this activity his kitchen is in pristine
condition. It’s comforting to me. When he has gathered all
the things he thinks we’ll need, he slides into a chair
besides mine with a glass of wine of his own.
“I thought you were working.” I watch him over the brim
of my glass.
“I can handle one glass.” His eyes dance with laughter and
warm something in my belly. “I’ve missed you.” I almost
choke on the sip of wine I’ve just taken. “Did I freak you
out?” I shake my head vehemently. Never that. It’s just his
words echoed my thoughts and yet I hadn’t been brave
enough to say them. With Lunga everything is just simple.
No hidden agenda or meaning.
“I missed you too.” He gives me a satisfied smile.
“Good, now eat.” And I do exactly as he commands. We
eat and chat. Catching up for the past weekend. I love the
sound of his voice, it feels like a massage at times, lulling
me into deep sense of contentment. When we are done
with the food, he packs whatever is leftover while I clean
up. Then he pulls me to him by the waistband of my
sweatpants and I willingly move towards him until we are
toe to toe.
“I hate to do this, but I have to work.”
“I knew the deal when I decided to come here, Lunga.
Don’t feel bad, please.” I trace the outline of his scruff jaw
with a tip of my fingers. I can’t help it. I can’t not touch
him when he is so close.
“What will you do?” he seems genuinely concerned.
“I brought books to read, so I also need the time to
myself. Having you closer is a bonus.” My answer seems to
satisfy him. He brings our lips close in a gentle touch.
Lingering for moment before letting go.
It only takes a few minutes and then I’m lost in the
fictional world. I don’t know what made me choose this
read, I haven’t read any of their work and it’s classified
under dark fantasy. Never delved deeper into it. Captive
Prince by CS Pacat. It’s a trilogy on my Kindle. Which I
also hardly use. I prefer hard copies but sometimes the
book I need are electronic. I get lost into the world
building with an OMG what am I reading look. But I am
invested. I lose focus of time, where I’m at and who I am
with, the latter is hard to imagine since I’m always in tune
to his presence. It’s confirmed when I keep inhaling traces
of his scent. There is no place I’d rather be than here. In
his house, sinking in his comfortable couch, with all the
snacks I need by me and him only divided by the door of
his office door. Bliss, contentment and something else I
refuse to name. It’s too early for that.
Lunga

My eyes burn from exhaustion by the time I switch off my

laptop, and I have a knot the back of my neck. I glance at
my watch, it’s almost midnight. I sigh. Ntando, is probably
regretting his impromptu visit. A visit I cherish, if he only
knew how much it means to know he is only a few feet
away from me instead of a different address. I stretch my
arms above my head and hear joints and bones creaking.
Old age is already knocking. I bemuse. I switch off the
light as I go until I’m crouching next to a sleeping Ntando
on the couch. His kindle is on his chest and there are two
hard copies on the side table. My eyes return to his
gorgeous face. I take the moment when he can’t see me
and ogle him. Taking in his perfection, smooth skin, strong
jaw, perfectly trimmed beard and short fade. He is so
clean, and tall and proportionately built, my God! He is
perfect. I lean over him and softly place my lips on his. I
chuckle when he chases the touch even as I pull away.
Because I can’t deny him anything, I lean forward for
more. He sleepily returns the kiss, mumbling soft words in
between.
“Wake up sleepy head.” His eyes slowly open.
“I thought I was dreaming your lips on mine.” He says.
“Do you always have such sweet dreams?” I tease running
my finger along his jaw, because I have to touch him I’m
taken aback when his smile dims. “Hey what just
happened?” His eyes close for a moment and when they
open I see the familiar cloud of pain in the depth of them.
“Most of the time, my dreams aren’t pleasant.” He says.
“Do you want to talk about it.” I ask. I would love to hear
what haunts him so. I would even love it more if I can be
able to carry that burden for him. He is too precious to
hurt.
“Not today.” This leaves a promise of someday. I offer
him my hand.
“Let’s go to bed.” He nods, grabs my hand and follows me
in silence. He doesn’t question when I walk pass his room
without a pause and I don’t question him when I see his
small luggage bag on the chaise at the foot of my bed. In
fact, my chest expands with pride and satisfaction.
“I hope you don’t mind.” He jerks his head towards the
said luggage. If he could cut me open he’d know just how
much I don’t mind. How possessive it makes me feel when
I see him stake a claim in my private space. Had I been
operating under normal circumstances I would worry
about how crazy and toxic I sound but at this moment I
can’t find it in me to care.
“This is so much better.” I wrap my hand around his neck
and pull him closer. I need to taste him. “So much better.”
I murmur against his lips. He lets out a sound between a
moan and a sigh as his body moulds itself against mine.
The kiss begins slow. Two people exploring, learning how
the other feels or react. But then the heat grows and
become more explosive. With each of us chasing the
pleasure we can find in each other. I need to feel his naked
body against mine and something warns me at the back of
my head, I’m moving too fast. But my body has a mind of
its own as I pull his hoodie off. He assists me by raising his
arms then once the fabric is off him his hands are back to
me. Touching me, pulling at my clothes and clawing at my
back. He is as desperate as I am. And I love it. I pull at his
t-shirt until he gets the idea and helps as I drag it off him
them I’m left stunned and I catalogue his solid body. Oh,
to be young. His defined muscles call to me and I trace
them with reverence in my touch. His chest is heaving and
he keeps fighting shudders. I am doing that to him. Then
when he finally snaps out of the trance I’ve had him under,
he tugs my t-shirt off me without warning. I’m the one left
speechless when his warm hand makes contact with my
skin. His eyes hungrily roam over my exposed skin. He
seems caught between wanting to touch me or taste me.
He suddenly does both as he leans to take my puckered
nipple in his mouth while his hands travel along my
ribcage. The sound I let out at his touch is unfamiliar and
scary. I push at his chest until the back of his knees hit the
bed, then he is falling on the bed, taking me with him. Our
lips reconnect, my body above his. I snap the buttons of
his jeans and when they are all free, I peel them off him
with his underwear. He has already toed off his shoes. I
don’t look up until every item of clothing is off him, then
my gaze travels from his perfect feet, up his long legs,
muscular thighs and then they are glued at his groin. Oh
my, the world of wonder! His long hard dick lays pointing
at his belly button, the veins prominent and the head
leaking. I lick my lips and my gaze flies to his. He has a
pained needy look on his face, his chest heaving.
“Lunga.” He says with a rasp in his voice. “Need you.” He
pleads.
“I’m right here.” I drag my hand along his thigh and feel
him tremble, as I settle between his legs. My underwear is
very tight, so I adjust so that I’m comfortable. As
comfortable one can be with a raging hard on. This isn’t
about me though, it’s about the man lying on my bed,
offering himself to me like a sacrifice. I’m humbled and
honoured that he has given himself to me and I plan on
showing him how much I cherish the trust. I grab him at
the base of his hot member and he whimpers. When my
lips wrap around his leaking head, he lets out a strangled
cry. The tangy taste of him on my tongue has me groaning.
His breathing deepens as I work him with my lips, tongue,
using every trick I’ve ever learned. He is a trembling mess
beneath me.
“Lu…Lu...Lu… please …please.” I swallow him down and
he erupts as he hits the back of my throat. He lodges
deeper causing me to gag as his ass flies off the bed. I pull
out, swallowing as much of his spend as I can. I look up
and find him with his eyes closed tight as he breathes fast
through his nose. I pull out my own painful dick, I can’t
wait anymore. I scramble over his chest and tug once,
twice then I’m coming all over his chest. His eyes are now
opened. Watching me with his sated look. I drop on my
back besides him.
“At some point you have to let me make you cum.” His
breathing is still laboured.
“Yeah?” I pant.
“Yeah.” His hand touches mine. “That was mind
blowing.” He turns his head to me and our gazes lock.
“I aim to please.” I sound lame, but I don’t care. I do aim
to please him in every way if he’ll let me. “I’ll be right
back.” I slide off the bed to do a quick clean up, bringing
him a towel afterwards. His eyes can barely open, so I
clean him up and throw the towel on the floor. “Let’s get
under the covers.” He lets me manoeuvre him until he is
under the covers. We lay on our sides with me as a big
spoon.
“This feels good.” He mumbles.
“Yes it does. Good night Ntando.”
“Night Lunga.” I listen to his breathing until it is shallow.
Still my heart hasn’t stopped galloping. Why does having
him in my arms feel this good? I don’t know I can be able
to sleep again without him. Shit! I’m royally screwed. Or
maybe it the great sex that is getting to my head. What
scares me the most is having felt this mind blowing sex
only with him. No one else has ever captivated my entire
being as he had just done. And he barely did anything. I
gave him pleasure but I felt it more, every reaction he had
stoked my fires, and drove me to the brink of insanity. I
fall asleep to the thoughts of us.
When I next open my eyes the room is flooded with light,
I hadn’t closed the curtains the previous night. The second
thing I notice is the feel of a warm body against mine, solid
muscular body. It’s been a while since I’ve been with a
man. The past two relationship, which didn’t work out
have been with women. At the time I’d thought they been
perfect had it not been for the commitment they were
looking for. Something that had never been on offer
before. But now, I think I’d just been playing all along.
Ntando has made everyone that had come before him, pale
in comparison. I trace my fingers on his broad shoulders
until he turns to face me. He looks at me with his sleepy
eyes and a smile on his face, I’ve never seen a sexier sight.
“Good morning.” He snakes his hand across my jaw
bringing our lips together.

“Morning.” It’s all I’m able say before our lips collide in a
tangle of pleasure. We kiss until I’m hard as steel. I don’t
give him a reprieve when I bring our bodies closer. He
shudders and clings to me even more when I put our dicks
together and jerks us off. “Feels good.” He says pushing
into my hand. The friction is delicious and it’s not long
before we spill. Our juices combining to make a sticky
mess.
“Was that okay?” I suddenly want to know if he is okay
with what we’ve done so far.
He chuckles. “If I could go again. I’d do it over and over
and over.” I laugh against his lips.
“I get it. You liked it.” Another kiss.
“I loved it.” He says then his stomach rumbles. We both
crack up laughing.
“Do you want to shower first or food before shower.”
“I need the shower.”
“Can I join you?” I ask.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way. Lead the way.” I grab
his hand and drag him off the bed leading him to the
bathroom. He uses the toilet while I run the water until it’s
the right temperate. We both step under the warm spray,
touching here and there as rivulets of water pelt over our
bodies. I scrub his back and he scrubs mine. I turn off the
shower when it threatens to turn into something more.
Not that I would mind if it does but I need to feed this
man and we have to go to my parent’s house.
He doesn’t mind the left over pizza that we warm up and
we have that over the kitchen nook with coffee. His
morning routine is similar to mine; coffee is forever at the
top of that list.
His leg bounces ceaselessly as I drive us to my parent’s
house. I place my hand on his thigh and he stills for a
while, when I remove it the bouncing begins.
“Don’t be nervous.” I say, “I’m usually not the centre of
attention. My nephews and nieces will occupy everything.”
This doesn’t seem to calm him in the least. He wrings his
hands the moment he notices me approach the imposing
gate. My parents live in a quiet area, it’s an old suburb, the
houses with large yards, pools and tennis courts in some.
Where white people used to live and the only black people
that stayed in such areas was the help. My parents were
one of the few who moved in, just a year into democracy.
They had returned from growing up in exile to help rebuild
the country, and my father a lawyer at the time did just that
until he retired a judge. My mother became a teacher, then
a lecture until she retired a professor. My family is a family
of academia.
“This is where you grew up?” He absently asks as the gate
parts to open into a paved driveway that leads to the large
double story house. I can see my siblings have arrived
judging by the extra two cars parked upfront.
“Yes,” I glance at him. He is looking out the window.
“So different from the two bedroom I grew up in.” I don’t
say anything. I am well aware of the privileged life I’ve
lived and what it meant to me compare to the majority of
black people. “It’s a beautiful home.” He says, still taking
in the surroundings.
“Mom, has an eye for all things beautiful.” He gives me a
shy smile. The one I want to contain and keep close,
always. Every time I see it feels like it’s just for me.
“I’m looking forward meeting her.” I look out the window
just in time to see the front door open and my mother
walks out.
“Well, here is your chance.” I push the door open and look
at Ntando over my shoulder. He swallows nervously his
weary eyes on my mother as he opens his door. “It will be
fine; Ntando I promise.” My mother is already by my door
as I step out.
“Hello, Mom.” She opens her arms wide. She is petite and
only comes to my chest but her hugs always feel larger
than me.
“Hey baby, about time you got here.” She pulls back and
glares at me. “You are late.”
“It’s only 30 munities Mom.” She harrumphs and looks
over me at Ntando, who stands behind us.
“New friend?” I step aside.
“Mom, this is Ntando Ndlovu. Ntando this is my mother,
Nontle Poswa.”
“Hello, Mrs Poswa,” Ntando steps forward to shake her
hand.
“Are you related to Nhlakanipho?”
“He is my uncle.” There is a small frown on my mother’s
face but it quickly vanishes.
“I’m sorry about what he is going through, I hope he is on
the mend.”
“We are all hoping for that.” Ntando says.
“Okay, come meet the rest of our family.” My mother says,
leading us inside the house.
Ntando

I’ve never met a family of anyone I dated. Not that I dated

a lot or long enough to meet a family. Wait? Am I dating
Lunga? Isn’t what we doing considered dating? Or is it
something else? These questions set my already unsettled
mind on edge. His petit mother leads us inside a large door
into an equally big entrance area. Loud voices are coming
from the other side. I assume it’s a living room because I
can see the kitchen on one side. The stairs, separate the
kitchen and dining room from the rest of the living area. I
don’t notice anything else with the nerves coiling my
stomach only when we reach the living area filled with
people, I’m able to take a breath. The area is wide filled
with comfortable furniture and its splash of beautiful
bright colours that brighten the room and still make it look
homely. Two couples sit on two seaters, while the tall
imposing man with salt and pepper hair sit on a large one
sitter. The resemblance to Lunga is uncanny. He has a glass
in his hand as he watches one of the women speak
animatedly but then his gaze fly to us as we walk in.
Everyone turns to look at us with curiosity.
“Look who I found.” The mother exclaims walking to sit
on the armrest where her husband is sitting. The entire
room erupts in excited greetings. They are all huggers and I
stand awkwardly by the entrance and watch as they
exchange pleasantries and hugs. It’s a while later when the
room seem to shift to me. my heart begins a slow thud and
my armpits sweat.
“Dad, this is Ntando Ndlovu, Ntando, thus is my Dad,
Linda Poswa.” I move forward and shake the man’s solid
grip with nerves churning my stomach. Like he can see
what his son and I did just a few hours ago in bed. Why
would I be thinking about such?
“Any relation to Nhlakanipho?” he asks his son.
“His uncle.”
“Welcome son.” He says to me.
“Thank you, sir.”
“None of that,” Mr Poswa shakes his head. “Linda will
do.” My eyes widen. The man must be crazy if he thinks
I’ll address a judge by his first name. He is old enough to
be my dad for crying out loud. “Dad, if my first name is a
struggle.” He chuckles. Dad, that is even more of a foreign
concept to me. maybe I’ll use Baba and Ma as I do with
Zuki’s parents.
“Stop hogging him Daddy,” one of the women says and
Lunga gently drags me towards the rest of them.
“The impatient one is, Feziwe and her husband, Paul.” I
wave at them. “The one ready to pop is Hombakazi and
her husband Shaun.” Another wave “Where are the kids?”
Lunga looks around as if noticing for the first time the
absence of kids.
“By the pool.” Mr Poswa responds as Lunga leads me to
another empty two seater where he joins me. It’s a large
family room we are in but I can see another formal one on
the other side of the room. As my gaze strays outside I
spot the backyard though the wide sling door. I can see the
kids swimming and playing with a ball in the pool. Even
from the inside I can see the beauty of the place.
“Why haven’t we met you before Ntando?” Feziwe asks.
Lunga places one food on his knee bringing his thigh
closer to me. adding to the heat is his arm resting on the
couch behind me. I lose my ability to think for a moment
as my body react to his nearness.
“He is sort of friends with my uncle.” I say, hating the
sudden attention on me.
Feziwe’s frown deepens, “Has that changed?”
“Fez, what are you asking?” Lunga tersely ask his sister.
“I’m curious why you never introduced us to him, I mean
he is fine as f…” she clamps her mouth glancing at her
father who rolls his eyes. “And I have a friend who is
single.”
“Whew,” Paul makes a dramatic sigh gesture. “for a
second I thought I was being dumped.” Feziwe pats his
thigh,
“You alright babe. He is too young for me.”
“He is not that young, he is 26.” Lunga glares at his sister.
“As I said, too young for me.” Feziwe drawls.
“What do you do, Ntando?” Mr Poswa asks, studying me
as if he is trying to see if lies will spill from my lips.
“I was a pilot until a month ago.” I say. My throat is
[arched and I could use a drink of water.
“Ooh a pilot.” Feziwe again. “Nice.”
“Stop your childishness Feziwe!” Mrs Poswa reprimands.
“Come help me bring drinks. What would you like
Ntando?”
“Water please.” She nods and heads out with a reluctant
Feziwe and Paul offering to help. A few people rain and
the attention is still on me to continue explaining my
change in career.
“I had to take over from my uncle for a while.”
“Tragic what happened to him. How is he?”
“He is working on his healing, it’s a slow process.” I don’t
know what else to say about uncle’s injuries. Unless he has
a change of attitude his healing will be a slow process.
“You went from being a Pilot to running a construction
company?” Sean, Hombakazi’s husband ask barely
concealing the hint of sceptic in his tone.
“Some people can transition to different jobs if they are
willing to learn!” Hombakazi tersely adds.
“It’s not the same thing.” Sean mumbles.
“I’m sure being a Pilot is hell of lot different than being a
CEO in construction! Is it not Ntando?” I hesitate, shifting
uncomfortable. I feel like I’m being put on the spot and in
the middle of a minefield.
“Totally.” I mumble.
“You see!’ Hombakazi throws her hands adjusting herself
on the couch. Her big belly must make it difficult for her
to find a comfortable position. “He didn’t make excuses.
Finance is all I know.” She does a terrible impression of
her husband, who’s face looks like thunder and she is
oblivious to that or she doesn’t care. “People adjust, in
desperate times….”
“I am not desperate, Hombi. I’m making a plan!” I’m
scared to even look at Lunga next me. who body has gone
rigid with tension.
“We have a baby coming….!”
“Enough!” Mr Poswa roars. “Jesus! You have no sense of
timing you two. We have a guest and you are embarrassing
him.” I am embarrassed on their behalf at the scolding.
The room goes quiet and the only sounds we can hear are
coming from the kitchen.
“Would you like to meet my nephews and nieces?” Lunga’s
whisper in my ear has me almost jumping out of my skin.
“Yes.” I’m already scrambling to my feet. He leads me
outside without a word, leaving the tense room. He takes a
big sigh the moment we are a few steps down from the
patio. A manicured garden bed wraps around the property.
The pool and the entertainment area takes the spotlight
making the backyard as breath-taking as I’d earlier
assumed. The kids our oblivious to our presence as they do
their butterfly strokes in the pool. I follow Lunga until we
sit on two wicker chairs under a shade.
“I’m sorry about my sister’s outburst in there.” He sighs
again. I want to hold his hand and reassure him, I’m fine.
It was uncomfortable yes but that’s life. It’s not always
sweet and perfect.
“No need to apologise. I feel bad for them.” I do and I
don’t even know their troubles.
“It’s a scary time for her. Sean, lost his job a few months’
bank, his company closed down. He is in finance; I guess
you got that. He doesn’t want anything else and I suppose
he is holding out for a job that will match his previous
salary or pay him more. He is worth it. But the market isn’t
overflowing with such opportunities.” He runs a hand over
his face. “I can sympathise, but I also don’t like to see my
baby sister struggle. Living on one salary with their lifestyle
can’t be easy.”
“Couldn’t we find him something in Finance at NRD?”
Lunga lets out an empty laugh, “The company cannot
afford to take in someone at that level, not at this point.
Maybe after you’ve secured them a few deals.” No pressure
then!
“Oh, you are a lawyer, don’t you have connections?” I turn
full on the chair so I’m facing him because well, I love
looking at him. He smirks.
“You have so much faith in me.”
“You make things happen.”
“I am working on it. It doesn’t help my brother in law is
steeped in pride. It really has to be a good offer for him to
accept and it can’t seem like handout.”
“Pride cometh before a fall.”
“Let’s hope it doesn’t get to that. I hope that little episode
didn’t ruin your impression of my family. We are usually
chilled.” I shake my head.
“You’ve seen enough drama with my own family. Besides,
your family is wonderful and your sisters are gorgeous.”
He frowns. “But you are the best looking one!” he throws
his head back and laughs. My chest blooms at seeing the
tension in him melts away. I did that.
“Uncle Lunga!” excited squeals come from the pool as the
kids race to the edge. They drip all the way until they are
excitedly standing before us all trying to speak at the same
time.
“Hold on a minute, grab your towels and come let me
introduce you to my friend.” They scamper off and
promptly return with towels wrapped around their
shoulder’s.
“Where you been Uncle Lunga?” One with two front teeth
missing and braids tied in pigtails and lots of butterflies.
Lunga pulls her close and help her to dry up.
“I was away on business, remember?” He is gently as he
wipes the water droplets on her face. But he includes the
others around him with eye contact. “Have you guys’ been
good to your parents?”
“Yes!” they chorus.
“Then are paintballing date is coming.” Another excited
squeals. “First say hello to uncle Ntando, if we are nice
enough he might join us for our date.” Four pairs of eyes
turn to me as if only noticing me for the first time. They
vary in height and complexions but you can see the
resemblance. “This one here is, Nicole.” He points to the
one he was speaking to earlier. “Her big brother, Nhlanhla.
Hombi’s kids. Then these two are Fez, Khulani the big
brother.” Khulani’s chest puffs up at being referred to as
big brother. “and Neziwe, our chess champion.” Neziwe.
Covers her face with her towel. She seems a shy one within
the group. After the greetings their grandmother calls them
to wash up before lunch. I watch him smile after them as
they run to the house. Then he looks back at me and catch
me watching him.
“What?”
“It’s cute seeing you in uncle mode.” My hand itch to
touch his resting on the armrest.
“I love being an uncle. I get to spoil them and send them
back to their parents.”
“That’s an advantage.”
“Will you be joining us then when we go paint balling?
You can bring Lisakhanya and Azaphe, we usually bring
them along when we do these. That way I cover all the
basis with uncle duties.”
“When is this?”
“Two weekends from now. It will probably be a Saturday.”
We will still be doing this, whatever this is? I wonder.
“Sure, I’ll speak to Zuki, but I can come with if she has
plans with the kids.” His smile softens as his eyes scans my
face.
“I would enjoy your company more.” He says. I swallow.
“I want to kiss you so bad.” It feels like it’s been forever
since I’ve drank from my well of life. That it how
important his kisses are. His gaze flies to the house for a
brief second then he is leaning towards me capturing my
lips with his. It is a slow kiss, as if reacquainting ourselves
with each other, out taste. His tongue traces the seam of
my lips and I part them to allow his access, he delves in
tasting my tongue. There is a stirring inside my pants as I
move closer, seeking more. He reluctantly pulls back, our
breathing laboured between us. Someone clears their
throat behind us and we both jump apart. It’s his sister
Feziwe. Her wide eyes dart between us. She has her
mother’s body but her father’s looks. Even with the stern
look she has on her face, she is beautiful. I suspect both
girls have their mother’s size while Lunga has the father’s
but it looks he is a mix of the two. It’s a beautiful family.
At this moment there is tension between the two siblings. I
hate the neediness I suddenly feel for Lunga; we wouldn’t
be in this predicament had I not been gagging for a kiss. I
could’ve waited for crying out loud!
“Are you…?” she asks and then abruptly stops as if she
can’t bring herself to ask.
“None of your business, sis.” Lunga casually says as if he
hasn’t just been caught with his tongue massaging my
tonsils.
“None … none of my business. Lunga I just saw you
kissing, Ntando a man.”
“And?” he shrugs.
“And…and! What do you mean and?”
“I don’t ask you about the people you kiss.”
“That’s different.” She loses the fire in her words.
“How is it different. You didn’t make any announcements
or disclaimers. Why should I?” she opens her mouth and
then close it.
“You are right. I’m sorry I asked.” She says, her eyes
dropping to the ground. “Mom, asked me to call you,
lunch is ready.”
“Thanks, we will be right in.” Lunga says and we both
watch her walk away then she stops. Comes back to Lunga
and lunges herself in his arms almost knocking off the
chair.
“I love you.” She says.
“I love you too.” He winks at me over her shoulder. “And
I’m Bi, because I know you are dying to know.” He sister
laughs but still doesn’t let go. After a while he pulls back
and hold her by her shoulders. “And please do not out me
to the rest of the family. This is still new.” He gestures
between us.
“Of course I wouldn’t.” she sounds offended at the
implication.
“I’m sorry about that.” Lunga turns to me when his sister
is gone. “I’m not hiding who I am, I don’t plan to hide
you, I just don’t know where you at and I don’t want to
announce things you are not ready for.” I blink, my eyes
suddenly burning.
“I don’t want to hide either but this is new for me.”
“Then we will keep it between us until you are ready.” I
nod and smile at him.
“Don’t look at me like that. He says moving closer to me.
“Like what?”
“Like you want me to do wicked things to you.” His voice
drops.
“I do.”
“Later.” There is heat in his eyes as he promises. I nod.
“Now let’s go before my mother comes to get us herself.”
I follow him back to the house where everyone is already
seated around the large dining table. It looks to be a
sixteen seater, accommodating even the kids.
“About time you two got here. We are starving!”
Hombakazi complain. I feel bad for being the reason
everyone waited.
“Oh Hombi my baby, you’ll eat even us one of the days.”
The mother teases. “Lunga baby, I made the steamed
bread just the way you like them.” She beams at her son
who smiles gets wide.
“Thank you, mom. You are the best. Somewhere out of
the blue I see myself as a 12-year-old coming back from
school. One of the rare moments where my mother would
be home. The smell of cooked food would permeate the
house.
“Baby, I’ve made your favourite toady.” She’d say. Smiling
at me over her shoulder.
“spaghetti and meatballs?” I’d drop my bag on the floor
and run towards her. Hugging her from behind.
“The one! Go wash your hands and come ear.”
“You are the best mom.” I’d say bouncing off to the
bathroom. The memory strikes me. Straight. Through. My.
Heart. I gasp for air or for existence, but more likely for
purpose in life. Immediately, my head falls into my hands
and I press hard against my eyes with the heels of my
palms. The small moments of contentment weren’t worth
this crippling pain that comes out of nowhere. Life isn’t
worth this. How could it be when the person I loved most
in the world was ghosts. I’m not all right. I not okay. I will
never be okay.
“Hey, hey. Ntando!” I hear the urgent voice as if in a
dream. “Come, Ntando.” Warm hands cup my face. A face
blurs before me until it clears, first thing I realise, I’m
having a panic attack. Secondly it’s happening in front of
Lunga’s entire family. A family I just met for the first time.
At their dining table! The horror I feel doesn’t help in
regulating my breathing. My chest fells so tight and I feel
light headed. I will not faint here! I grab tight on Lunga’s
wrist, his face focusing before me. “That’s it. Take it easy.”
My breath stutters as if comes out and burns as it fills my
lungs. Eventually the haze clears and I chance a glance
around me. Worried eyes stare back and me. I can’t hold
their stares so I return mine to the kindest one’s before
me. “Are you good.” He softly asks. I nod. “Come with
me.” I nod again grateful he has offered me an escape.
“Excuse us.” He says to his family. I can’t look at them.
He grabs my hand and leads me to a direction I’m not
familiar with. Obviously I wouldn’t be. I haven’t even seen
the rest of the house. He leads me up the stairs and we
pass many closed doors until he opens one and shuffles us
in. Then his arms are around me holding me in a bear hug.
His hand rubs my back, soothing the tight muscles that
had just coiled. I let out a long breath and just luxuriate in
his warm. Sinking deeper and seeking more.
“How are you feeling?” He asks against my neck.
“Ashamed. I just humiliated myself in front of your entire
family.” He pulls back, my face in his hands.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of.” His eyes search
mine. “Is it what happened by the pool with Fez that
caused the anxiety attack?” I shake my head. His thumbs
draw circled on my jaw, keeping me still.
“No, I had a memory.” I close my eyes still feeling my
mother’s memory lingering near. I hate these episodes.
They are random, I’m grateful they aren’t as constant as
the first three years after she passed. It was a daily thing
then, caught between memories of her and dreams of her.
Dreams that she was alive, every damn time I’d wake up to
that hollow feeling that she was gone. I’d grieve every
morning after a dream. I’m never sure which is worse,
those false dreams or relieving her final day with me in that
taxi. My body involuntary shudders. Lunga holds me again.
I can see the worry in his eyes. I need to talk to him about
this, I know that. But will he think I’m weak? It’s been
almost ten years. Maybe the shame of it is the reason no
one else knows of my torment. How long does it take to
get over the death of a loved one?
“Come, let’s sit over here.” He pulls me to a chair. Only
then I realise we are in a bedroom. It is simple enough,
with a probably queen size bed domination the room and
two floral chairs on one side. I sit on one and Lunga takes
the other. “Talk to me, baby?” it’s the gentle way he says it
that crack the wall, the wall I’ve erected for a long time.
The wall no one could ever penetrate. Not with their love
or care. Not with their kind words or deeds and they all
tried. Uncle Nhla. Sis Zuki, her parents. They tried to
soothe my ache but they never came close to the core. To
the source of the pain. And Lunga, with his soft tongue
and gentle words. He undoes me. I close my eyes and fist
my hands. I can’t let him see me fall apart. I don’t even
know how I am when I do.
“Take me home, please.” My voice is gravel on my throat.
He is quiet for a second, then he jumps to his feet.
“Let me just text Fez so she can let everyone know.” Had I
been in the right frame, I’d offer to take Uber but I can
barely stand, I don’t think I would survive a ride in a
stranger’s car. After typing furiously on his phone he
pockets his phone, takes my hand and leads me out. He
takes me down, through the kitchen and we walk out
without running in with anyone. We are silent as he starts
the car and drive out. I realise he might have mistaken my
need to be taken home for my uncle’s house.
“Home is your place Lunga.” I glance at him. He swallows,
slides his hand across the console reaching for mine. We
remain this way until we get to his home. He parks the car,
walks out and comes my side as if he doesn’t want to be
far from me. He holds my hand until we get to the house.
“Let me get us something to eat.” He doesn’t wait for my
response. I don’t want to tell him I couldn’t eat a thing at
this moment but I know he needs to eat. So I slide on the
high chair and watch him make sandwiches. A twinge of
regret washes over me. We left his mother’s cooking
without even tasting a morsel of it because of my
emotional baggage. “Here, he passes a bottle of juice to me
and two glasses. He carries a platter of sandwiches and go
to the living room. He makes sure to sit near me and grabs
half of a sandwich and passes is to me.
“Eat.” I sigh and take the thing. It’s clear we will not be
talking until I eat something. So I concentrate on taking a
bite after the other after I finish I grab the glass with my
juice and drink. Lunga seems to be satisfied with what I’ve
eaten because he takes the unfinished plate to the kitchen.
When he returns, he sits next to me but this time he pulls
me to his chest and holds me.
“Talk to me, Ntando.” I wrap my arms around him and
burrow closer to him.
“It’s something your mom said, the way she said it.
Brought back a memory of my mom in our old home. She
worked hard to support me, sometimes she had two jobs
at a time and in those times I’d go days without seeing her.
She’d return while I was sleeping and leave before I was
awake. I used to tell her when I started working she would
never have to work again. I would’ve come through with
that promise. You know.” Another dream unfulfilled and
robbed by death. “But the memory I had, she was at home
cooking. My favourite.” I smile as the memory still lingers.
“What’s your favourite food?” he asks.
I chuckle, “Now I have lot’s because I have options, back
then it was one of the few options we had.”
“What is it?”
“Spaghetti and meatballs.” It must sound stupid to such a
sophisticated man as Lunga,
“I love spaghetti and meatballs.” He says with a teasing
tone in his voice.
“Sure you do.” We fall silent for a bit.
“Go on baby.”
“I don’t know, the memories and dreams are always so
vivid, like she is here with me and then they’d just
disappear like a puff of smoke, leaving me reeling.”
“How often do you have them?”
“Now, I can go a while without having them, then they’d
return. Dreams, memories all familiar yet so terrifying. I’ve
been having them a lot lately.” There is no reason to lie. “I
miss her, Lunga.” My voice cracks. “I miss her so bad.
When will it stop?” I look up at him now. “When will the
pain stop? This void, this emptiness, like I am missing a
limb but I keep forgetting it’s not there. Why does she
haunt me?” I don’t realise tears are falling until Lunga
wipes my face. I do not cry, not me. Not in front of this
man who means more to me than anyone else has since my
mother. I bury my head in his chest to hide my shame but
the tears won’t stop. The silent cries turn into gut
wrenching sobs and I let go. I cry for myself, for my
mother, for my uncle. I cry until I’m heaving with no more
tears left to shed. I have a splitting headache. My nose is
blocked and the chest I’m lying on is soaking wet. I hate
myself right now. Is it considered manly to sob this way?
God I sound like an idiot even in my thoughts. Lunga
gentle lifts my head until our gazes’ lock. His eyes are full
of anguish. For me? I look away because he might just
undo me again, but he brings me back.
“Thank you for sharing that with me.” he says, his voice
scratchy. I nod. That’s all I’m capable of. “Do you want to
go lie down?” I am exhausted. The impassive, stoic
persona I’d mastered these past years is deserting me.
“Yes,”
“Go, I’ll be up in a moment.” I briefly kiss him on his
cheek and leave for his bedroom. Once in there, I strip
naked and jump under a warm shower spray for a quick
rinse. Then I slide under the bedcovers. His scent
surrounding me. Comforting me. It doesn’t take me long
to fall into deep sleep.
Lunga

I watch him leave until he disappears up the stairs. I’m left

reeling. Firstly, how could we have missed Ntando’s grief
after his mother’s passing? My chest aches for his pain.
The pain that seemingly has gone unchecked. We tried
back then, I know Nhlakanipho tried. But maybe we didn’t
do enough. Immediately after his mother’s passing, Zuki
had been brought in the picture, that must have sucked for
a young boy grieving a loss of a mother. It probably felt
like his uncle was trying to replace his mother. It explains a
lot of things. His coldness towards Zuki, his aloofness. He
never seemed like he belonged with any of us. The room
could be full of people but you always felt Ntando’s
loneliness. How terrible sad. Then he was shipped off to
boarding school. Shit! We messed up.
Secondly, I am in love! How the fuck did that happen so
quick? It is love or infatuation? The man is young,
gorgeous and smart, so easy to charm his way into
someone, I fear its love, it is the only way I can explain the
desperate need I have to take his pain upon myself. To
love him whole. And if I can, I will. I will love him to
healing. I don’t ever want to hear his soul crushing cries
again. I don’t ever want him to feel the pain as he does, as
if it’s coming out of his pores. He lives it. He breathes and
it is suffocating. How has he survived this long? My poor
baby.
I need a drink. I’m shaken to my core. In all my life I have
been that easy going friend, who took things as they come.
Having been raised by a good family and the only thing I
had to deal with was two younger sisters. I never struggled
for anything. Emotionally and physically, we are a pretty
rounded family. Even in my friendships, I am the
supportive friend but I rarely get too involved. This thing
with Ntando is different. It requires more of me. It’s an
unfamiliar territory, a road less travelled, hell I haven’t even
taken the path I’m on before. This is the one thing that I
absolutely cannot fail at. And I’m terrified.
My phone has been ringing incessantly. I know it’s my
family. The way we left was enough to raise eyebrows. I
glance at it and notice it’s my mother. She won’t stop or
worse she will come over here. I can’t have that. Ntando
needs his rest and I need to formulate a plan of action in
piece. So I pick up the ringing device.
“Mom.”
“Why aren’t you answering your phone?”
“I am though.”
“Don’t be a smart ass!” Ooh I made mommy cuss. I could
taunt her about that but this isn’t the time.
“I’m sorry ma.” I mumble.
“How is Ntando? What happened? Is it something we
did?”
“Mom, no. Nothing like that. He didn’t feel well and I had
to take him home.”
“Oh, will he be alright? That came out of nowhere. It was
scary Lunga!”
“It was an anxiety attack, mom. He is resting now and I
need to check on him. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“You didn’t eat, should I pack some food, I’ll ask your
father to bring it over.” I definitely don’t want either of
them showing up now. I’d have to explain why Ntando is
here not at his home and I’m not ready for that
conversation. And I’m not prepared to lie.
“No need, I made something already.” She hums.
“Alright. You seem anxious to get rid of me so I’ll let you
go.”
“Mom!”
“It’s alright. I can take a hint.” She hangs up. I must retract
what I said earlier about being raised by well-rounded
parents. My mother can be heavy on emotional blackmail
with just a few words. She is adept at making all of us feel
guilty and end up appeasing her. But not this time. I have
priorities. I finally pour the drink I’ve been needing then I
walk to the balcony and watch the clouds gathering.
Darkening the sky. The once blue sky we had earlier today,
is now blanketed by grey. Some of them darker as if
something sinister is approaching. I sip my drink and think
of a way forward. Ntando is already in the midst of an
emotional storm. He has been for a while. It’s time we pull
him out. Under normal circumstances I’d speak to
Nhlakanipho but he has his own shit storm to deal with.
I’d feel like I was betraying Ntando’s trust if I spoke to
KG. What do I do? The answer doesn’t come, even when
the fat droplets pelt the surface and the wind picks up,
nothing comes. No answers. I return to the house and slide
close the door when the rain is pouring heavy. I do
research on grief and fortunately there are places around us
that offer what I’m looking for. I breathe a little better now
that I have a way to pave a path forward.
I cannot avoid it anymore; I go in search of Ntando. I first
check the guest room and find it empty. A satisfied sigh
slips out. I love that he automatically goes to my bedroom.
It stokes possessive fires I never thought I had. I find him
huddled under the covers in deep sleep. I strip to my boxer
shorts and slide in to join him. His body heat warms mine
instantly. I don’t sleep though; I watch him for what must
be hours. Cataloguing every inch of his face and imprinting
it to memory. Long lashes fan over the closed black eyes.
The eyes that suck you in when they are wide open. I itch
to trace the bushy brows but I don’t want to wake him. I
allow my gaze to do the touching. My gaze roams over
every inch of exposed skin. I want to pull him to me and
hold him, so I do and he only moves to settle himself
comfortably.
I don’t know how long I stay awake before I succumb to
sleep but when I next wake the room is dark. Ntando is
tucked against me, my back spooning him from behind
and I’m uncomfortable in the most delicious way. As the
fog of sleep clears, I realise the cause of my discomfort.
My hard dick is trapped by his ass. And not only is it
trapped but Ntando, is torturing me with the little
humping he is doing. I have a hard grip around his waist
holding him to me, and as my hand, in its own volition.
travels lower his belly, his naked belly, I graze the leaking
tip of his own dick, peeking out the seam of his underwear.
My breath catches at the evidence of his arousal. Even in
his sleep, he wants me. I can’t help myself, I slide my hand
beneath his underwear and wrap it around his hot, silky
and pulsing cock. He moans and pushes against my groin,
firmly this time. I spread his precum around his head and
use it as lubricant as I stroke him. His breathing changes as
he fucks my hand. I stroke faster while I hump his boxer
clad ass, seeking friction. When my lips clamp on the side
of his neck, he lets out as sleepy cry, warmth seeping
through my finders as he spills. His climax triggers my own
and my dick pulses inside my underwear, wetting it
through his as my body locks around his. I let go of his
softening cock, tucking it back inside his underwear. I wipe
my hand with my soiled one. He turns around to face me
and doesn’t say anything as his lips touch mine. It is a soft,
sensual kiss and it touches a part of my heart reserved for
only him. When he lets go, his fingers trace the short hair
on my jaw.
“Hey,” his voice is still thick with sleep.
“Hey.” I caress the back of his neck, our bodies aligned
together. “How are you feeling?”
“Well rested.” He continues to caress my face, my jaw, my
neck as if he can’t help himself. “You make me feel so
good.” He says his eyes dropping to my lips. “The way you
kiss me, and touch me makes me feel things I’ve never felt
before.” My heart begins a loud and fast thud. “I want to
touch you all the time, Lunga.” His voice drops. “It
preoccupies my every waking moment. I want you all the
time now, I want you to consume me, light me up in every
way you can.”
“Fuck.” My body’s nerves are like live wire as watch the
heat in his eyes intensifies. I’m hard again and I can feel
him against my thigh. “Ntando.” Then we are devouring
each other. I pull at his underwear shuffling it down his
hips and he does the same to min. all caution is thrown out
the window. I want him. I want to bury myself inside of
him, or him inside of me, I don’t care how, as long as there
is fucking. I’d have laughed had I not been needy. I don’t
usually bottom. I tried it once and never like it but for
Ntando I’d do it and I know I’d love it. We are now fully
naked, with our erections rubbing against each other, our
hands claw and grab everywhere they can and our lips
fused. “I want you.” I rasp as I come out for air for a
second.
“I don’t know what to do.” He puffs warm breath on my
faces his eyes dark with arousal.
“Fuck me.” his eyes widen and he pulls back an inch. I
bring him closer because I can’t bear to be apart from him.
“I…I… never.” He drops his eyes.
“Me neither.” His gaze fly to mine. “Not like that. I don’t
usually bottom. Okay I did, once and I didn’t like it” I
ramble on. He frowns. I chuckle, resting my forehead
against his. “Oh, you baby gay! You have so much to
learn.” He lets out a nervous laugh.
“Then, why would you want to do something you don’t
like?” He searches my eyes.
“Because with you, everything is beautiful. I feel different
with you, Ntando.”
“Me too,” his voice has dropped into a whisper. And I
can’t wait anymore, I line our dicks against each other and
stroke. It doesn’t take long before his body tenses against
mine and he spills into my hand, triggering my own climax.
Our chests heave as we try to catch much needed air into
our lungs.
“We need to shower.” I say. He nods but his mouth claims
mine. It’s a while latter when we detangle our bodies and
head to the shower.
After a shower we both change to comfortable clothes and
head to the kitchen. He sits and watches me as I make a
stir-fry. When he offers to help I decline. I want to take
care of him and he needs to rest. It’s been a long weekend
for him, emotionally taxing.
“You spoil me.” he says.
“That’s a plan.” I glance at him and find him fondly
watching me. “Tell me, are you seeing anyone about the
anxiety attacks you experience?”
He sighs and sits back, toying with the stem of the wine
glass in his hand. “Baba, Zuki’s father.” He clears as if I
wouldn’t know who he is talking about. “He could pick up
that I was battling. He suggested therapy and took me to
one. I saw the person for a couple of months then I had to
leave for school. So I just dealt with it on my own. A few
years back, I had to get a medical clearance so I began
seeing a therapist. He gave me medication for the anxiety. I
take those from time to time or when I feel triggered. I
hate taking meds though, so I’m not consistent.” I nod.
“Have you ever been for grief counselling?” he shakes his
head. “I hear it might be better to be around people
who’ve lost loved ones. Share your experiences and what
helps, better than any professional who’s talking from
science instead of personal experience.” I don’t tell him I
did a lot of research while he slept and might even have a
few recommendations that came highly recommended.
“I don’t know.” He bites his lower lip drawing my
attention to his lips. “I don’t do well with strangers; how
would I even begin to share something so personal? I
mean you are the only person that knows.” He presses a
hand at the back of his neck. “It’s been so long, aren’t such
places for recent loss.” I close the lid of the pot and walk
to him taking his hand in mine.
“People have been in those groups for years, some its
recent, yes. But Ntando, there is no expiry date for grief.
You are obviously struggling. This place might help.”
“I’ll look it up.” He tangles his fingers with mine.
“I found a place not far from us and it comes highly
recommended.” His eyes widen.
“You did? When?” I drop my eyes, feeling sell conscious
all of a sudden. Like he can see through my neediness. But
why should I care? This is me and I want him to know I
care. So I lift my eyes to his searching ones.
“When you were sleeping. You don’t need an
appointment, they have meetings Mondays and
Thursdays,” he is quiet for a while.
“Would you go with me?” He asks, his eyes not meeting
mine. I grab his chin and tip his eyes.
“Anytime.” He nods.
“Let’s try when you return from your work trip.” I smile. I
dish up and we eat in the dining room. After we finish we
move to the living room, and sit in one couch as I pull a
throw out and cover us both. He tentatively begins a
conversation about sex. Gay sex to be specific. Even
though I see his embarrassment, he soldiers on, asking me
questions. And I answer them without shame, without
hesitation. When I suggest we watch videos, he cringes.
“What? You never watched porn?” I tease.
“I think is gross. I mean not the people doing it obviously,
people can do whatever they want with their bodies. I feel
weird watching it. I don’t get aroused by it.” He shakes his
head. “I sound like a prude, don’t I?” I place my hand on
top of his, and he turns it palm up so our fingers are
clasped together. I love that he has the same yearning for
touch as I do.
“No. That’s how you feel. Never apologise about that.” I
squeeze his hand. “Have you never done anal with
women?”
He covers his eyes with his forearm as he leans his head
backwards, “You’re going to think I’m lame.”
“Ntando.” He uncovers the one eye and looks at me. “I
don’t think that about you. I will never do.” He removes
his arm but he doesn’t look at me.
“Up until you, I actually thought there was something
wrong with me. I didn’t enjoy sex with women. It was
always weird, messy and unfulfilling. I even tried with a guy
once and it was a disaster, I never wanted to experience
that ever again.”
“I never want to label people, but some people are like
that. Nothing wrong with you. Maybe you just needed an
emotional connection with someone.” He smiles. The
smile that cause his eyes to shine with light of thousands
suns.
“Yeah, maybe that’s me. I feel so connected to you, it’s
scary.” I lean forward and kiss him because the feelings I
have for him are too big and they might just scare him
away. I pour all that I feel in the kiss, my love, my fears,
my need and he reciprocates, moving closer until he is
straddling my lap and I am still pulling him closer.
“I can’t get enough of you.” I whisper against his lips.
“Do you think you could perhaps demonstrate some of
that sex ed.” I’ve unleashed a beast.
“You are a needy thing aren’t you Ntando.” He
shamelessly presses his pelvis against mine.
“For you, yes!” my blood sings, every heated drop
travelling south until I’m dizzy with need.
“Let me suck you off.” I grab his ass and push him
towards my mouth while I slide my ass down. I manicure
him the way I want until he is above my face buried deep
in my throat with his hands balanced on the back of the
couch. I don’t have to guide when he begins gentle thrusts.
I groan, causing his rhythm to falter then the gentleness is
gone. He is fucking my mouth and I’m elated. I pull myself
out and stroke. The room is filled with his groans and my
moans. My jaw hurts and my throat is getting bruised but I
don’t care. I love seeing him loose control.
“Lunga, I’m gonna c…” he tries to pull back but I hold his
ass in a tight grip. His body stills above me and I feel him
expand. If I was a novice I’d be choking as warmth floods
my throat. His orgasm apparently will always trigger my
own as my hand strokes quickens. He has collapse on top
off me and with my own orgasm at play, I’m about to
suffocate. I pinch his ass cheek and he pulls out while I
gasp for air.
“Sorry.” He puffs out as I laugh while gasping for air. My
hand is still on my over sensitive cock and my entire body
is buzzing, riding the wave. “I’ll get us a towel,” he tumbles
to his feet, tucking himself in. I lie on the couch and wait; I
couldn’t move even if you pulled a gun on me. Ntando
returns with a wet towel, wipes me clean and when he is
satisfied, he pulls my pants up and disappears once more. I
adjust to a comfortable position, pulling the throw to my
waist.
“Do you have popcorn?” he asks when he renter the
room. I open my one eye and peer at him. I’m depleted of
energy.
“Why?”
“I thought we could watch a movie. Do you have a
streaming service?” I check the time, it’s almost 10 pm.
“Isn’t it late? We have work tomorrow.”
“I slept the entire afternoon, I don’t think I can fall asleep
so soon.” I yawn.
“Well I can. I don’t have popcorn but I do have crackers
and cheese.” I grin.
“So posh Lunga. Do you want to go to bed?”
“Not without you. There is a TV in my room, you can
watch something.”
“Nah, it’s fine. I’ll read a book. Come let’s go.” He
stretches his hand to me pulling me up. He leads me to the
bedroom. I listen to him turn the pages as he reads with
my head resting on his chest, my leg wedged between his
and my arm holding him possessively around his waist. His
one hand draws circles on my back lulling me to sleep and
the last thought I have before I succumb to sleep; I can’t
ever imagine being in my bed without him.
Ntando

I do a walk of shame getting back home. I’m hoping

everyone is asleep or they’ve gone for the day. We
overslept this morning and because we can never get
enough of each other we got each other off. I had to be
done, I was receiving my first blow job lesson and I love it.
I can still taste Lunga, the weight of him in my mouth, his
scent and the tangy taste of his cum as he filled my mouth.
I shake my head, rattling the sensual memories as I unlock
the door. My hopes are dashed when the kids scream my
name as I walk in and both come barrelling through me. I
awkwardly bend low to hug them with my overnight back
sliding off and dropping on the floor.
“We thought you’d runaway.” My uncle’s voice comes
from the living room. I glance at him over the kid’s
shoulders. He is sitting on his wheel chair with a cup in his
hand. He carefully brings to his lips and sips without any
accidents.
“Hello, Ntando. Fun weekend?” Zuki, walks with a quick
glance at me. she seems dressed to go out and only then I
notice the kids are dressed for going out. I straighten up
letting the munches go and they run off disappearing
upstairs.
“Morning aunty, uncle.” I leave my bag by the stairs and
go to the leaving room the idea of a quick escape gone.
“Did you have a good weekend?” my uncle smirks. He has
no idea.
“Yeah.”
“Is she someone we know?” Zuki asks.
“What?”
“The woman you spent the weekend with”
“Your aunt is curious to know.” My uncle adds. “This is a
first time we’ve ever seen you out with someone.”
“I spent a weekend with a friend.”
“Oh,” Zuki sounds disappointed. “Is it someone we
know.” Do I lie? What to do?
“Maybe. I have to go. I’m late for work.” I don’t wait for
their response as I run off, picking my bag up. Fortunately,
I took a shower at Lunga’s, all I have to do is change.
When I return downstairs the house is quiet but I do see
Uncle Nhla with his physio, doing their daily routine by the
pull. I take a moment to watch them. He seems stronger in
his movements with less wince on his face. Maybe it’s
progress.
First order of the day is a meeting at Bengu Inc. Lunga
comes with me but he will fly to Cape Town immediately
afterwards then after a week he goes to meet with Daniel
in Australia. I do my best not to think about the fact he’ll
be gone for two weeks. I have to get through this meeting
first. I’m not really stressed about this one. R Bengu will
only be introducing us to the person that we will be
working with. His P.A directs us to his empty office this
time, informing us Mr Bengu will be in shorty. Lunga
heads for the tall windows and looks outside his hand
firmly in his slim fitting dark navy suit pants, paired with a
crisp white shirt and dark brown shoes. I notice this
because my eyes have been ogling him the entire time. I
can’t look anywhere else.
“Come see this view, it’s magnificent.” I get up from the
chair I just sat on and join him by the windows.
“Yes it is.” I’m looking at him. He turns to look at me and
his lips spread wide.
“You aren’t even looking.” His voice becomes softer and
my body shivers.
“But I am.” I move closer to him placing my hand on his
waist and pulling. His hand slides along my jaw, bringing
our mouths together.
“You are such a flirt< Ntando. Who knew?” his breath
teases my faces.
“Only you,” I whisper before our lips touch.
“I thought I was the only one who did this in this office.!”
We break apart at Mr Bengu’s voice, followed by two
people. My face gets heated and I want the ground to open
and swallow me.
“It must be something in the air.” Lunga responds, less
bothered. “But can you blame me though?” he glances
back at me with a wide smile on his face.
“Nah, I don’t.” Mr Bengu teases right back. “Should we
walk back out, give you two sometime?”
“Fuck off Bengu!” Lunga says at the same time I say, “No
need, Bengu.” He chuckles and round the table to his
chair. The two people he is with go to stand beside him.
He gestures for us to sit.
“I have questions Poswa,” there is a teasing glint in Mr
Bengu’s eyes. “But I have a meeting to go to maybe we
should do drink later catch up.”
“Unfortunately I fly out to Cape Town after this.” Lunga
says regretfully.
“Aah, we can make a plan over there, Bongani and I are
flying out later in the evening.”
“I’d love that.” After their little chat, Mr Bengu introduces
the team I’ll be working with. After a brief chat with them
I like them, Romeo and Isaac have been with Bengu Inc.
for a while. They come with extensive resume’s and seeing
the project they’ve done instils confidence in me. Besides
they seem like cool gents. After the meeting I set up a
meeting with them to come meet the rest of my team and
to begin phase one of our first bidding.
I walk out of the building with some of the weight off me.
I don’t fool myself into thinking it will be an easy journey
but I have full trust of the team I’ll be working with. The
weight immediately returns when I pull out of the parking
heading to the airport. We are both quiet on the drive. I
don’t know what Lunga is thinking but my mind needs to
know how we are going to survive the time apart. I don’t
even park underground, Lunga is already running late for
his flight. At the drop off section I step out and grab his
luggage bag out of the boot while he handles his hand
luggage. It feels weird to be dropping off instead of the
crew bus dropping me off. A wave of nostalgia hits me as
move closer to him. Damn, I miss flying. I stand before
him, holding the handle in a hard grip.
“Don’t look so grim.” He runs his fingers down my jaw.
“I’ll be back before you know it.” I nod because a lump
has taken residence in my throat. “Hey, Come here.” He
wraps his arms around me and pulls me in a hug,
“I’m going to miss you.” I mumble against his ear; I hear
the sharp intake of his breath.
“Me too, Ntando. Me too.” He let’s go, pries off his
suitcase off my hand and then I watch him disappear
inside the airport’s doors. I return to my car on heavy feet
and my heart shatters a little every kilometre I drive further
from the airport. I know I’m being silly to feel this way.
We are both adults with demanding jobs, his seems more
demanding than mine and we haven’t even defined what’s
between us but I feel like my heart sprouted legs and
walked off inside that airport. It’s a weird and nervous
empty sort of feeling.
Work soon occupies my mind. Late nights and early
mornings means; I don’t see much of my family. I hate
myself for finding relief in that but the few moments I’d
had running with them haven’t been pretty. There is too
much arguing between Aunt Zuki and Uncle Nhla and it’s
not healthy. They can’t be in the same room without raised
voices. So I take the reprieve I ca get without complaint.
The downside to my increased work load is that I miss
Lunga. We seem to be missing each other often. When I
call he doesn’t answer and when I return his calls he
doesn’t answer. The texts sit unanswered for hours so we
don’t even get live chats. It always seems to be a
summarised version of our days. It gets worse when he
goes to Australia. I battle to find him even for work but I
don’t even have an excuse to because he has assigned me
on of his associates whenever I need legal advice.
Something I don’t really need until we land a deal. In
simple terms I miss him. Badly.
A small reprieve comes one morning, 3 am to be precise,
when a phone call wakes me up. I don’t even check who it
is. I slept late and we are meeting with representatives from
Zambia, they want a bridge to be built in their country and
they are looking for the best.
“Hello.” My voice is barely audible.
“Hey.” My sleep evaporates and shivers wrack my body at
the sound of his voice.
“Lunga.”
“I’m sorry I woke you, but I miss you.” I sink into my
pillow clutching my chest.
“I miss you too.” My voice cracks.
“My time is so crazy I can barely keep up with time and
days.” I let out a happy sigh, his voice filling me with so
much pleasure it’s like he is touching me. “How are you?”
“Besides missing you and my work load, I’m okay.”
“No anxiety attacks?” Had he been anyone else I’d give a
biting response. But this is Lunga, my Lunga, and I know
he means well. I don’t question the possessive way I refer
to him in my thought. We chat until I fall asleep with a
phone still against my ear. My alarm is jarring as it goes off.
It’s like I blinked and it was morning. There is a message
form Lunga.
|You are going to kick ass today| I smile
and send him a heart emoji. Which I immediately regret. Is
it too much? Too juvenile? Well it’s out there now. I don’t
have the luxury of time to dwell on my action.
The meeting doesn’t go as planned. It seems the people
met with NS Construction first and what becomes obvious
with their questions is that they have made their minds
already. The meeting with us has been a formality. I
appreciate it when they don’t waste our time by giving us
bullshit stories about deliberating. They tell us straight; we
are not the one’s they are looking for. I’m gutted as I leave
their offices. I call Lunga immediately I’m closed inside my
car. It goes to voicemail, just as I expected but I had to try
because the crushing weight of disappointment in my chest
made it hard to breathe. I send Daniel a text too. I’ve been
keeping him abreast on all that’s been happening. Asking
for help whenever I needed it. I decide against telling my
uncle over a text I’d rather do it face to face when you get
home. A prospect I dread. I drive back to work without
seeing anything. Phaks smile is kinder than usual and she
pop in my office more than usual. I get that she wants to
cheer my spirit but I feel like disappearing into a dark hole
and lick my wounds in peace.
The house is eerily silent as I walk in, it has my nerves
stretched to almost snapping. I should perhaps move to
my own place but the whole point of being here is to help.
Also leasing a place when I have my own in Cape Town
isn’t appealing. I sigh. Besides I don’t think Uncle Nhla
wouldn’t let anyone else do and with the high tension
between her and Zuki. It’s better I stick around.
How did my life get here?
I move through the house without switching the lights on
and throw my briefcase on the kitchen counter, brimming
with files I have to go through. There was a reason I
studied my ass off to be a pilot. There is freedom in flying.
No files for me to get through, no business meetings or
negotiations and definitely no failed business proposals. I
head straight to the liquor cabinet I hardly indulge in but
tonight its warranted, the lights filtering through the wide
windows give enough light. The curtains don’t close in this
house. Something that took some getting used to. My
mom used to give me a hiding if I didn’t close the curtains
and switch on the lights. That was my cue to come in the
house. I pour myself a generous amount of uncle Nhla’s
whiskey and take a hefty swig that burns and leaves me
wheezing. He won’t miss it. He won’t even notice. I wince
at my poor inner thoughts. As I take another bitter sip.
Why do people make drinking this staff cool, I don’t see
the appeal but tonight I want something that will knock
me right off. It either this or my pills and i choose this
poison.
“You might as well drink the whole bottle.” I almost drop
the glass in my hand as I jump at Uncle Nhla’s voice
coming from the darker living room.
“Uncle Nhla! I didn’t see you there!” I gush out as soon as
I am composed.
“Obviously.” He drawls. “Refill my glass too, would you.”
I hesitate.
“Are you sure, you should be doing that?”
“I’m not a child Ntando.” He growls. I sigh and pour him
a glass. “Leave the lights off!” Okaay. My eyes have
adjusted to the darkness. I pass him a glass and take a seat
opposite him. We sit in silence for hours, I don’t know. I
lose track of time, as we refill glass after glass. I know I
shouldn’t be drinking this much. Alcohol and medication
don’t mix. And I definitely know uncle Nhla shouldn’t be.
I suppose we will have to pray the price the following
morning. A biting lecture for him, from his wife and a long
day of suffering through meetings for me.
“Daniel told me!” Uncle Nhla breaks the silence and his
words sound like a shattering glass.
“I was working up the courage to tell you.” He scoffs.
“Mtshana, do you know how the three of us battled to get
our business off the ground?” my heart breaks that I’ve
failed him. “It wasn’t easy, I tell you. We had more doors
closed in our faces than I care to remember. What did we
know about business? We were too green behind the ears,
hardly no experience. The only thing we had going for us
was confidence and Daniel’s family name backing. We
fumbled, pushed through until doors began to open. But
even then competition has always been stiff. I hate to
admit but NS construction has an edge, they’ve been
making us sweat and we’ve been at this for almost a
decade. This is not a failure Ntando. I am proud of you. So
proud.” His voice cracks. “You gave up a career you love
for me. For a company you had no interest in nor
knowledge of it. A struggling company. You’ve come in
boosted company morale, settled the worries and fears of
our existing clients, secured Bengu Inc. something I had
given up on to be honest. That is an achievement,
Mtshana.”
“I still feel like I’ve failed you, Uncle Nhla.”
“Never!” His vehement tone settles me a little. “Now, help
this drunk fool to his room.”
“I have to get the lights otherwise we will tumble all over
the furniture.” He nods and only then I notice, he isn’t
sitting on his wheelchair, he has a crutches besides him.
“No wheelchair?”
He smiles, a genuine smile I haven’t seen in a while, “Konje
you have been scarce lately. I discarded the thing maybe
three days ago.” There is joy in his voice that I can’t help
but rejoice with him. One more step towards his healing.
“You did good Uncle Nhla.”
“Ja, ja, lead me to my room will you?” I grab his shoulder
and walk him to the room. He seems to be confident on
his feet. If I didn’t know I wouldn’t know he had been on
the wheelchair for the past weeks.
Zuki

My body sways and I balance the wine glass in my hand.

I’ve been standing on our bedroom window for what feels
like a lifetime, looking out the window watching
Nhlakanipho and Aza in deep talks. They are sitting under
a shaded area with a plate of assorted baked goods and a
jar filled with juice between them. The helper I hired
prepared all that for them. Nhlakanipho has been seeing
Aza in professional capacity two times a week. He refused
to get a different therapist when I insisted, something that
had added another bone of contention between us. Aza
riles me up, she always has. It’s nothing she does, I can
never get over the fact she once had what’s mine. Also her
superior attitude grates my tits. But I put with her because
she is best friends with Nhlakanipho. I can never take that
away from him. I take another long sip, feeling the lulling
buzz of alcohol. It has been providing a much needed
escape lately. When my nerves fray and my sanity threatens
to leave, the wine calms me down. Another sip, as I
observe the two, the easy banter between the them, how
close they are sitting together and how comfortable they
are with each other. Nhlakanipho seems to have lost all the
tension he usually carries around the house. And his smiles
are wider and laughs more genuine. What could be so
funny between a patient and their therapist. I never used to
laugh this much with mine. It was excruciating to talk
about my feelings. But with these two it seems easy.
I watch them now, as they both get on their feet. Aza
moves towards Nhlakanipho and hugs him. They hug for
longer than I can swallow. Something dark and sinister
stirs inside of me, making me feel hazy with hate, hurt and
anger. It poisons every thought I have leaving me reeling.
They walk to the house, Aza’s arm hooked around
Nhlakanipho’s elbow. I watch them until they disappear
from my view. I wait until I can faintly hear a sound of a
roaring car. Must be Aza’s. The show off drives a sports
car. It must be nice not to need a mummy car. Maybe had
I been sober, I would have listened to the still small voice
that kept insisting I calm down, that I am reading too
much into this or that I’m projecting. But I’m fuming. I
move on unsteady legs down the stairs. The house is silent;
the kids are only returning later from their grandparents.
The staff that has suddenly filled the house recently must
be holed up in their room or doing their errands. I don’t
particularly care about that at this point. I pay them well.
As long as they do their duties they can do whatever they
need to do in their free time. The only other person who
we always need on demand is Phumlani but now that
Nhlakanipho has regained some of his independence, he is
not needed as much. Right now though nothing short of
an act of God would stop me from budging into
Nhlakanipho’s room. The room I haven’t been in in a
while. We found it awkward to share a bed recently. I
needed to be closer to him and he wanted space. I would
initiate sex and he’d react like I violated him! I got tired of
rejection so I moved back to our bedroom. He can walk
now, so he could always come to me if he wanted me. he
hasn’t wanted me.
“How was your session?” I bust the door open without
knocking. I notice the tense of his shoulder as he pauses
taking his hoodie off for a split second. He waits until he
discards the garment before he answers.
“It went well.” He has his back to me. I close the door and
move closer to him, coming around to face him. I’ve
noticed his senses have sharpened the past months. He
knows exactly where I’m stand and he looks directly at me
as if he sees me. Even his sense of smell has sharpened, he
can identify people and things by their scent. Things I’ve
picked up on my own when I’ve found myself in the same
room as him. He never shares that with me and I don’t
ask. I don’t understand when or how the trench between
us began but it’s getting wider and deeper and my deepest
fear is that, when all this is over, we will have grown so far
apart there won’t be hope of returning. This fear lives and
breathes its power within me constantly. I sometimes wake
up in the middle of the night screaming, screaming from
nightmares of me holding on to him as he leaves the house
for good. Usually people say a tragedy like what happened
to him brings people together, in our case its driving us
apart. I’ve always thought Nhlakanipho and I were solid. I
never expected this iceberg that always settles between us
whenever we are together.
“You seem to be getting along fine.” He tilts his head to
the side instead of responding. Then he moves to the chair
next to his bed and picks up his tabled on the pedestal. I
watch him plug his earphones in. “Are you not going to
say anything?”
He sighs, “What do you want me to say Zuki?”
I throw my hands in the air, “Anything! You seem to have
lots to say with Aza! In fact, you seem to do a lot of
touching either!”
“Zuki, what are you implying?”
“That you can be touchy touchy with your friend!” I make
air quotes as he could see them. “But you never touch
me!” I spit out the words, tasting the bitterness in them.
He places the tablet back where it was and rubs his eyes.
The moves make him look deep bone exhausted.
“Zuki, I don’t want to get into this with you. I just had a
heavy therapy session and I’d like a moment to myself.”
“It didn’t look like a therapy session!”
“What did it look like?” his voice goes up. “Tell me, you
can clearly see what I don’t, obviously. What did my
session look like to you?”
“Like you two are fucking!” he laughs, its empty and dark.
“Is that what you think of me, Zukiswa?” His tone is eerily
chilled.
“What else am I supposed to think?” I throw back, my
breathing laboured and my fists clenching at my side. I
want to hit something or break something. He gets up and
move towards me with such accuracy that I stumble
backwards until I’m trapped against the wall. “You can
see?” I accuse, feeling the hurt deep in my bones. How
could he not tell me that his vision has returned?
“No, but I can follow the stench of your bitterness easily!”
I gasp. “You are supposed to know that I am healing
Zukiswa, I am not in the mood for sex. It’s not about you!
It’s about how terrified I have been that I wouldn’t be able
to walk or see. That I would never see your face again or
see my kids grow. Its debilitating fear. Fear that I can’t
even talk about with you because everything has suddenly
become about you!”
“Maybe it should be about me once in a while.” I say, my
voice losing its steam. “Have you even spared a thought
with how I feel. Not being able to help you with anything.
There is a distance between us Nhlakanipho and it scares
me. Have you noticed that?”
“Every damn day! I push myself beyond my body’s limit so
that I can be well for us.”
“I don’t want you only when you are well, I want you in
any shape or form.”
“I am working on that. Why won’t you be patient with
me?”
“You are not listening to me Nhlakanipho. It seems the
only person you are willing to listen to is Aza.”
“What does she have to with anything?”
“Everything!” I scream.
“Do you want me to get a different therapist?”
“Do whatever the hell you want; it’s not like you listen to
anything I say.” I push him aside and walk out of his room.
There is heat under my armpits, at the back of my neck
and my forehead. My hand tremble as I open the fridge to
grab a bottle of wine I’d put in there earlier. Once I have a
glass I move outside. After a full glass is finished, I’m
calmer. I want to leave the house but I don’t know where
to go. My parents will have lots of questions that I’m not
prepared to answer. The lack of friends isn’t lost on me. I
have Thandi but we don’t stay in the same province, so
days like these become harder for me. The small voice
whispers in my conscience, I could’ve handle that talk
better, and the part that hoped Nhla would follow me and
wrap me in his arms is crushed.
A while later, with a bottle down, I hear crunch of
footsteps. I lie on my back and wait until there is a shadow
above me. I open my eyes to see Nhlakanipho standing
next to me. My heart jumps. He came after me!
“Hey aunty!” God, my disappointment is crushing.
“Yes.” I try to sit up by my body struggles. So I remain
where I’m at until Ntando’s silhouette focuses.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you, “Lunga is taking his
nephew and nieces out tomorrow and he has asked me to
come with. I thought I would take the kids if that’s okay
with you.”
“You and Lunga are weekend buddies now?” My speech is
slurred.”
“We hangout.” His tone doesn’t invite further questions.
“You think you intimidate me neh?”
“Pardon.”
“Pardon, pardon!” I mock. “You Ndlovu men are cut
from the same cloth., aren’t you?” I manage to sit up and
throw my legs over to the ground. “You make me crazy,
you.” I point at him. “Since I’ve became a part of your
uncle’s life, you always been hostile! What did I do to you!”
“I’m sorry aunty….”
“Andithi you preferred Aza for your uncle? You must be
thrilled!”
“What do you mean?”
“Whatever!” I get up and stumble my way to the house. “I
told my parents the kids can stay over tonight, if you want
them you can fetch them from there.” I leave him standing
outside.
“Baby, can we talk!” I almost stumble at Nhlakanipho’s
voice coming from behind me. I grab the stair railing and
balance on it.
“I’ve said what I needed to.” I say, not turning to look at
him.
“Maybe you should take it easy on the wine intake.”
“Go to hell, Nhlakanipho!” I climb the stairs on heavy
legs. Once in my room I fall face down on the bed and I’m
gone to the world.
Ntando

I walk back into the room and find uncle Nhla standing at
the bottom of the stairs, his eyes downcast and shoulders
hunched. I hesitate going in, I don’t want him to know I’ve
heard the words they just shared. The hurt between them
is palpable.
“Come in Ntando, no use hovering by the door.” I’m
surprised he can tell I’m standing here. I would’ve
preferred to escape without being noticed. Lunga came
back a few hours ago and I was on site at one of our
projects so I couldn’t fetch him from the airport as
promised and I’ve been dying to go see him.
“I’m sorry.” I don’t even know what I’m apologising for.
“Pour me a drink, will you?” another pause from me. “I’m
not a drunk, Ntando! I can handle myself!” he snaps as he
moves to a couch.
“I didn’t say you were.” I hesitate to say what I want to say
but if I don’t say it who will? “Have you considered the
possibility that you are using alcohol as a clutch?” I move
to the drinks cabinet.
“Come out with it Ntando, are you talking about me or my
wife?” I pour two fingers of whiskey and pass the glass to
him before I answer.
“You know who I’m talking about Uncle Nhla.” He sighs.
“I know. I don’t know what to do.” I shuffle before him
before I decide to sit down.
“I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation earlier.”
He winces. “You were too loud.” Which has become
problematic especially when the kids are around. “Have
you considered that using Aza as a therapist is exacerbating
your issues?”
“I hate therapy Ntando. Talking to a stranger? Aza is great
at what she does and I’m comfortable with her.”
“I’m not saying she is your only problem. Your problems
started before her but now she is the fuel to your fire. You
have a history with her. At the time sis Zuki felt betrayed
and I don’t think women forget such. They might forgive
but they never forget. Also don’t forget before that
happened you had sworn up and down that she was your
friend.” He frowns.
“You remember all that?”
“Yes, uncle. I was grieving not dead or deaf.”
“I hear you and you are right. I’m just dealing with so
many new things and adjustments. I have house nurse, a
physio therapist and I’m prodded and checked by doctors
frequently. I just needed one thing to be familiar.”
“Maybe talk to her, have a proper conversation, Uncle. She
is hurting too and she needs help. Otherwise, this huge
knot of resentment will grow, poisoning everything.”
“I know.” He runs his hand over his face. “When did you
get so wise?”
“Nah, this is me being observant. I have to go. There is
food in the fridge.” I get up to leave.
“Hot date?”
“Something like that.” He is hot alright! I rush to my room
to pack a bag and then I’m on my way. My heart gallops at
the prospect of seeing Lunga. I might have even driven
over the speed limit to get to his house. The few seconds it
takes for the security to alert him of my presence feels like
an eternity. I’m not patient with them as I wait. They’ve
seen me many times before why are they making a fuss?
Eventually they let me through. I find Lunga waiting for
me by the open garage. Something inside me unknots and
I can breathe. Immediately when I put the car on park, he
pulls my door open and drags me out. Then he is on me,
kissing me. He tastes of coffee and sleep. I kiss him right
back, reacquainting myself with his touch and taste.
“I missed you.” I mumble as I catch a breath.
“Not more than I did.” He holds my head in place as he
returns to my lips, my hands are gripping his waist pulling
him closer. “God, Ntando, I’ve been miserable without
you.” His heated eyes search mine. He is so close I can see
the specks of gold in them.
“Let’s get inside.” I push against his hard on with my own
and he groans.
“Yeah, let’s do that.” He whispers moving for my lips
again. He kisses me hard and deep, his hands grasping
tightly. I want him, I want him in my mouth again, I’ve
missed the unfamiliar experience that has become a part of
my daily fantasies. I want to try all the things I have never
try with a guy. He has awoken a whole other side to my
sexuality and I’m so into it. I show him by the desperate
way I return the kiss, pouring my whole into it. The way
my hands claw at him, pulling at his clothes. We need to be
naked. The space between our cars is getting smaller and
my knees aren’t going to hold much longer. Before I can
ask to take this inside the house. He deals with my belt fast
and snap my jeans open so fast and before I can even blink
he has my throbbing cock in his hand. My breath seizes in
my chest. Then he drops to his knees and takes me down
his throat in one solid suck. I can’t help the feral sound
that falls from my lips. My one hand grabs to hold the top
of the car for balance while the other holds his head. I’m
delirious as I fuck into his mouth. There is no holding back
and the sounds he makes are pure filth. My entire body
lights up as my toes curl, my orgasms barrels through me
like a freight train without warning and I’m groaning my
release down his throat.
My body is trembling as I step back to allow Lunga on his
feet. There is heat in his eyes and he wipes his mouth with
a back of his hand, his smile is wide. I drop my eyes to the
front of his tented sweatpants. I want to take care of him
but when I reach for him he, grabs my wrist.
“I need to be in bed with you, baby. Did you do the prep
like I instructed?” my face heats up remembering his
detailed instruction and how the process went down in my
bathroom this morning. Had I not been into the idea of
being with Lunga, I would’ve abandoned the whole thing. I
nod, my eyes downcast. He cups my face with his warm
hands, forcing me to meet his eyes.
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. And it’s not
something you have to do often. Take fibre supplements
and eat right, there won’t be issues. And if there are, sex is
messy, no one expects otherwise.” I nod, because as much
as I want him and God, I want him. I’ve been thinking of
nothing more in his absence and last night before he told
me he was leaving for the airport, I sent him a message of
what I wanted when he got home and he replied with a
detailed message of what I needed to do to prepare for my
first time. He pulls my pants up, and once he has me
sorted. He grabs my hand and leads me to the house. We
don’t speak until we walk into his bedroom. I immediately
notice the bottle of lube and condoms by his bedside table.
Apprehension grabs me for a second, but when he leans
closer and brushes his lips on mine it disappears.
“Remember, you can change your mind anytime, baby.”
He says,
“I want this.” I can’t recognise the rasp in my voice. He
nods then begins to strip me off my clothes. He takes his
time, shedding everything to the floor with soft touches on
every part of my skin he reveals. When all my clothes are a
pile on the floor and I’m left standing naked before him,
my cock has filled again and its straining pointing at him.
His warm hand wraps around it and he gently strokes me.
My pulse thuds heavily as the blood rushes through my
veins.
“You are so beautiful, Ntando.” His voice has dropped
deeper. “Lie on the bed.” He lets go of my cock and I
stumble backwards on to the bed until I’m lying
comfortable, watching him strip before me. With every
item of clothing that disappears my want goes up a notch.
Now, he is stark naked before me, his need evident in the
way his dick is pointing at me, all hard and veiny, the cock
head glistening. It weeps for me. He takes himself in his
hand and slowly strikes as he moves on the bed, crawling
over me until our bodies align.
My chest heaves as my eyes lock on his. Butterflies swarm
in my stomach as he reaches out, cupping my jaw, tilting
my face so he can seal his lips over mine. My eyes fall
closed as we share a happy moan; tingles are rolling down
my spine making my stomach tight. His warm skin and his
hard body slides against mine. I open my legs wide and he
settled between them the friction of our cocks pressed
together is making me dizzy.
“Lunga…” I pant.
“Yes.” He absently responds, his mouth devouring mine.
“Need you.”
“Me too.” He mutters. He pulls off me reaching for the
lube. I watch his hands tremble as he pours a dollop in his
fingers. He then slides them to the crack of my ass, gently
circling my hole. “This is going to sting a little, relax baby.”
I’ll make you feel good.” I nod, breathing hard,
anticipating. When nothing happens as he continues to
tease my hole, I relax, pressing my head on the pillow as
tingling travel my skin. The soft touch of his lips on mine
startles me and my eyes fly open. I watch him scrape his
teeth on the side of my jaw, then he begins to kiss his way
down my body. His finger still teasing at my entrance. I
moan against the sensations and when the tip of his tongue
circles my nipple, I bow up from the mattress, wanting to
get closer into his mouth. But he denies me, the ragged
breathing is the only noise that can be heard in the room as
Lunga places a hand on my abs to keep me still. But I can’t
seem to stop moving under him, seeking more.
Lunga continues the exploration of my body slowly kissing
his way down my abs. I can feel his breath at the tip of my
dick which lays engorged against my stomach.
“You feel incredible under me, Like a dream baby.” He
rasps. My eyes are blurred with lust as I try to focus on his
face. I have never felt so much emotion in my life as I melt
under his touch. He wraps his lips around my cock head,
his tongue swirling. I cry out at the same time his finger
pushes in at my back entrance. His mouth drives me crazy
as I lose track of what his fingers are doing, but I feel the
stretch getting bigger and bigger, then he grazes something
inside of me and my ass shoots off the bed.
“Lu…. what! Oh, oh, oh! Don’t stop….” Words tumble
out of my mouth as he keeps grazing the sweet spot inside
me. I can feel my orgasm barrelling through. I throw my
head back ready to let go, suddenly he pulls out and my
throbbing cock slips out of his wet heat. I whimper,
reaching out for him.
“I need to be inside you.” He looks like a man possessed.
He sits back on his haunches, putting the condom on. He
has to try a few times because his hands are shaking badly.
He applies more lube then he drags me lower, placing a
pillow beneath my lower back. I’m open to him, had I not
been delirious with need I’d be self-conscious. All thought
is obliterated when I feel the broad head of his cock
entering me. It stings as it stretches me beyond what his
finger did. Then his lips are on me, distracting me.
Suddenly he grazes that sweet spot he had earlier and all
thoughts of pain are forgotten. I want more.
“More Lunga, feels good.”
“You sure?” he growls, watching me. I nod. He wraps my
legs on his hips and rests his elbows on each side of my
face. I feel him everywhere. It’s like I’m having some kind
of out of body experience as he begins a delicious rhythm
that seems in tune with the beat of our hearts. Caught in
the maelstrom of passion. I wound myself around Lunga, I
hold on to him, trusting him to get me to the other side in
one piece. I surrender myself to him. When my orgasm
comes, it doesn’t give a warning, it seems endless, rolling
from my body in spurts so intense I think I might lose
consciousness. Then Lunga’s guttural moan against my ear
as he reaches his own have me convulsing. We remain
locked in each other’s arms for a while. Our heartbeats
bouncing between us as we ride the waves of our climax.
Then small kisses pepper my face until they are pressed
against my lips. My body is covered in sweat and so does
Lunga’s. He lifts his head and watches me as he slips out
of me. I can’t help the wince that contorts my face.
“Sore?” concern mars his face.
“A little. But that was a mind numbing experience. How
soon can we do it again?” he chuckles rolling off me.
“When you’ve healed. Maybe you can do it to me
sometime.” It’s not something I’ve thought of. I yearned
and was desperate for him to take me, but not the other
way around. But if he wants me to make him as good as he
just made me, then I can’t deny him.
“Maybe.” I watch him slide off the bed and struts off to
the bathroom. His flaccid cock still with the condom
bouncing between his thighs. The broad shoulders that
tapper off to the lean waist and flaring at the hips, the thick
thighs and long legs. He is a magnificent specimen, and I
get to have all that. He returns with a towel, wipes me off
and then throws it on the floor as he slides in next to me.
“Are you hungry?” he asks kissing my shoulder.
“Not yes, can we lay down just a little.” I suddenly feel
vulnerable, needy. He opens the covers for us, pulls me
into his chest and holds me to him until I fall asleep with a
content smile on my face.
Lunga
I stretch my sore muscles and my hand bump into a warm
body besides me. I turn my head to find Ntando sprawled
on my bed. He is sleeping on his stomach, his arms folded
under a pillow, with one leg straightened and the bent at
the knee. The bed sheet that is supposed to cover us since
the comforter, I assume is pooled on the floor, only covers
him until just above his ass. Gifting me with sight of the
dimples just above each ass cheek. The sweet ass I’d sunk
into and it had gripped me so hard I’d feared passing out. I
can feel myself stirring at the memory of the previous day.
I have never felt so much during sex, ever. The pleasure,
the heat, the emotional connection. It’s like pieces of a
puzzle shifted and slotted together to create a whole
picture.
I want him again. I don’t think I can never not want him;
I’m hooked on him like an intoxicating drug. But I know
he must be sore, but I can still pleasure him. I move over
him and plant kisses on his back, sliding lower until I’m
positioned above his ass. He shifts under me, and when I
look u I find him watching me with eyes full of sleep.
“Morning,” his voice is sleepy.
“Morning baby,” he tries to turn around but I press my
hand on his lower back to keep him still. I pepper soft
kisses on his ass cheek then moving to the other. Then I
grab each and part them open, darting my tongue in his
hole.
“Lu…”
“Relax, I’ve got you.” Another swipe of my tongue has
him groaning loud against the pillow. Then I get into it,
licking him until his ass pushes against me. seeking more.
He is a slut this one.
“You are needy aren’t you, Baby.”
“Yes?” he pants. I prod, lick and suck. My own erection is
trapped with the mattress. I hump the bed. Seeking the
friction that promises release. When I’m satisfied that he is
adequately stretched, I lift my two finger to his mouth. He
sucks them without being told.
“Make them wet.” I growl. He does. I slide one digit inside
his ass, searching for his prostate. It doesn’t take long for
me to find it, and the sounds Ntando lets out, are an
aphrodisiac. I work his prostate while licking around his
hole until, I hear him scream his climax. With one stroke
of my cock, I’m chasing my own.
“Oh God Lunga, what have you done to me.” he huffs
against his pillow. “I think I might just be addicted to you.”
I smile, still lying against his ass cheek. “I didn’t even know
that was a thing.”
“There is a lot that I’m going to take pleasure in
rediscovering with you.”
“Come up here. Let me take care of you.” I roll up to him.
“Too late.”
“Oh,”
“Baby, when you come, the sounds you make just trigger
my own.” He smiles. Playing with my beard growth.
“This scruff feels good against my skin.”
“You are lucky you not light skinned, you’d be spotting
bruises.” I put my hand on his waist pulling him closer.
“I’d wear them with pride.” His smile is bright and true.
“How are you feeling?” I drag my hand down to his ass
and gentle massage it. “Sore?”
“Not really, I feel stretched, yes but it’s nothing I can’t
handle.” He says moving even closer and kissing me. We
leisurely kiss for a while, savouring the unhurried moment.
“We have to get ready, we have hyped up kids, waiting for
us.” He groans.
“I know; I have to fetch my cousins from their
grandparents’ house. How are we going to do this, one car
will not be enough? Especially yours.” He raises his
eyebrow. “How do you usually travel with your nephews
and nieces?”
I laugh, sitting up and he pulls himself up too. “I use one
of their parent’s car or my dad’s car. But with you and the
kids we will need to use two cars.”
“Then I have to drive separately from you.” He can’t mask
his disappointment. I smile and graze his arm with my
hand.
“Feeling needy?” I tease.
“Yes, I do. You were gone for two weeks and I just got
you back. I want to enjoy every moment with you.” My
heartbeat picks up. Could he be feeling the way I do? It
could be the sexual chemistry. If he hadn’t felt like this
before then his body senses might be heightened towards
me. its endorphins. “I’m sorry. I sound needy and pathetic.
We can use two cars.”
“Ntando,” he looks at me. “I love that you are needy for
me. it satisfies something inside of me I never even realised
existed until you. Please, never stop. I crave you just as you
do me and the drive would be miserable in separate cars.”
“Yeah?” his demeanour changes and the wide smile
returns.
“Maybe we take Uber Van. That should fit all of us.”
“Are you sure? I didn’t mean to complicate things.”
“You didn’t.” I smack my lips on his because I have to.
“Let’s go shower, then breakfast.”
Ntando can talk. And that’s a new one. The Ntando I
knew was reserved, spoke when spoken to and hardly
friendly. His laughter and smile were rare find. The Ntando
I wake up with is a talker. He is animated, his eyes glow
and his smiles draw you into his confidences. I want to
listen to him talk the entire day. I want to hear his laughter.
He talks about his crappie week at work. How he felt
about the loss of the business. He talks briefly about his
aunt and uncle, sharing his worries in confidence of
course. Then the fun part is when he talks about books
especially his current read. He even has me fascinated.
“You should read it with me,” he says as he fills his bowl
with diced fruit and yogurt.
“That’s not my jam. I enjoy the retelling from you more.” I
point at his food. “Are you sure you don’t want me to
make you some omelette or something?”
“Nah, this is good. How is your upcoming week? I was
thing of going for a grief session on Tuesday.”
“I’ll check my planner. Hang on.” I grab my phone.
Monday is full, I have a meeting on Tuesday at 5 pm, this
client is fussy and I always have to work around his
schedule. If I’m at his offices at that time I won’t make it
back to be at the meeting with Ntando. I quickly shoot my
PA an email to cancel the meeting. “I’ll be there.”
“Thank you, Lunga.”
“Anything for you.” He drops his head, a wide smile on his
face. “So, you’ll fetch your cousins, then we will take your
car to parents’ house where we will find all the kids. Then
we Uber from there.” He nods.
“I hope I don’t mess up our day this time.”
“Whatever happens baby, I’ll be there. Whatever you
need.”
“Who knew, Lunga was such an attentive sweet person. I
always took you as the player in the group.” I wiggle my
eyebrows. His smile drops. “You are a player?”
“I’m single, Ntando.” A cloud passes in his eyes. “I was
single.” I clarify. “I dated, a lot. Men, women. I’m not
ashamed of my past. I’ve always taken precautions.” I
don’t know why I’m justifying myself.
“Of course, I wasn’t trying to shame you.” He mumbles
pushing his bowl to the side. “How many sexual partners,
exactly we talking about?” I choke on my toast.
“You don’t really expect me to do a body count!”
“I’m curious. An estimate.” I don’t answer. I’m not about
to be sucked into this. “is it 10? 20? 30! Oh my God! More
than?” I throw the toast on the plate.
“I don’t know Ntando I never kept count. I’m older than
you and I probably started fucking when I was fourteen.”
His face crumbles. “Why are we talking about this?” I
stand between his legs, holding his head to my chest.
“I’m such a novice. What must you think of me?” I tip his
head so that he can look at me.
“I love that you are inexperience Ntando. I love it. I get to
be your first everything. It’s a beautiful thing. Had I known
someone as special as you would cross my paths, I would
have waited. But everything with you feels new. Sacred.
Trust me, I feel inexperienced when I’m with you.” He
smiles dropping his forehead to my chest.
“Add possessive next to needy.” God he has no idea how
wild he drives me. If he knew, he’d run.
“What should we listen to?” Ntando asks as he gets on the
freeways towards my parents’ place. The kids are settled at
the back earphones on, each watching their favourite
shows on their tablets.
“I want to talk to you.” He giggles. I turn on my seat to
face him.
“Okay, talk.” He glances at me.
“Do you miss flying?”
“Like the air I breathe.” He responds without hesitation.
“I’m sorry.”
“It is what it is.”
“You’ll fly again.” He gives me a small smile.
“A friend of mine is coming over from Perth in two
weeks.” My eyes widen at the change of subject.
“You have friends?” I tease. He smiles sheepishly.
“Only that one. And he lives in another continent.”
“Where did you meet him?”
“In Queenstown, at school. We played rugby together. He
was the only one who didn’t tease me, for my English or
my shy and awkward demeanour.”
“I like him already.” He chuckles. “You played rugby with
all those hot boys around you and you were never attracted
to any of them.”
“The boys and the cheerleading team, and trust me those
girls were hot.”
“Their loss, my gain.” We chat more about his experience
in high school. Pilot school. His flying moments. He opens
up and tells me crazy stories. I sit and watch him with
hearts in my eyes. I don’t even realise we have arrived at
my parents’ house until he tells me.
“Do you have a remote?”
“Huh?” I blink.
“For the gate.”
“Nah, go closer over there and buzz.” He does and after a
moment the gates part open.
“They don’t even ask who I am?”
“They probably saw us through the camera.” My entire
family is here. After our outing with the kids we will come
back to late lunch. Mom and the kids are waiting outside,
the kids jumping up and down with excitement.
“Some people are happy to see you.” Ntando notes.
“They’ve been waiting for this outing.” We step out of the
car and open the back seat for Khanya and Azaphe. Who
spring out to join the rest of the kids. I only get quick hugs
before they are huddled together.
“Hello mom.”
“Hey baby.” She pulls me in a hug. “I’m surprise to see
you with Ntando again.” I tense as she whispers against my
neck. I wonder what my sister told him. She turns to him
and wraps him in hug too.
“We are not staying mom.” I pull out my phone and order
a car.
“How are you going to fit six kids in there?”
“We’ve ordered Uber.” I say.
“Nonsense. I can drive with you.” She offers and I see
Ntando’s eyes momentarily widen.
“I’m available,” Paul, my brother in-law walks out of the
house. “I just came to ask if I can join you guys.” Shaun
joins him. They are better option than my mother so we
agree. My nieces and Azaphe come with us while my
nephews and Khanya go with my brothers-in-law. The girls
talk none stop until we reach the paintball centre. I open
the car door for them and watch them run to meet their
brothers who just arrived. Ntando walks up to me and I
steal a quick kiss behind the open door.
“We are going to have a long day.” He says. “Is this even
suitable for Azaphe and Nicole?”
“They have gear for kids, too.”
“Okay, let’s go join them then. They are too eager.” We
walk to where everyone has gathered. Once we pay for
what we need, with our gear ready and two instructors with
us we are ready. We split ourselves into two teams. Ntando
and I are on separate teams something that irks both of us
but no one else seems to notice. I’m with Paul and the
girls, while Ntando goes with Shaun and the boys. Our
girls fall fast and it’s just me and Paul chasing after the
other group. I look at the three girls happily playing on the
swing on the other side of the field.
“Why do I feel like, the girls planned on ditching us early?”
I whisper to Paul from our hiding spot.
“I think we’ve been played.”
“Damn.”
Ntando
We are three players down. It’s only, Khulani, Feziwe’s
daughter and I remain on our side while the other team has
Lunga still standing. We’ve been quietly searching for him
for a few munities. He is stealthy and he likes to sneak up
on us. That’s how he got the other players.
“So are you Uncle Lunga’s boyfriend?” The air in my lungs
seize.
“What?” I glance at Khulani, leaning against a huge tree
trunk, his paint gun against his chest. He is not looking at
me his eyes are searching, alert. He is the eldest of the
grandchildren and the quiet one. I’ve noticed.
“Are you his boyfriend now?” I swallow.
“Why would you ask that?”
“Because I saw you guys kissing when you were at gran’s.
You like touching each other, a lot.” My head spins,
searching for answers. “You don’t have to tell me if you
don’t want to.”
“Eh, well, eh.”
“How do you know you like boys and not girls?”
“I think you just know?”
“Are you asking me or telling me.” he palms his forehead.
“Maybe you should speak to your uncle or parents.”
“Maybe. You don’t seem to have a lot of answers.” Just as
I’m about to answer. Two shots are fired quickly dealing
with Khulani and I. Lunga’s roars raising his gun in the air.
“The whole point of the game is to stay under the radar
and be quiet.” He says. “I could hear you two from a mile
away.” I look pointedly at Khulani. He shrugs. Not really
bothered that we just lost and that his uncle and his team
are gloating.
“I had more pressing matters.” Who is this child?
After handing over our equipment, we clean up as much as
we can before we return to Lunga’s parents’ house for a
late lunch. I’m anxious to share my earlier conversation
with Khulani but with the other kids in the car, I can’t. the
moment we park; the kids step out but I hold Lunga’s
hand preventing him from going out. I wait until everyone
disappears inside the house then turn to Lunga’s who is
curiously watching me.
“We’ve been found out.” his frown deepens.
“What do you mean?”
“Just before you shot at us, Khulani was asking questions.”
“He is very inquisitive that one.”
“With a judge as a grandfather and lawyer as an uncle, I’m
not surprised.” Lunga grins like I just paid him a
complement. “That’s not the point of this conversation.” I
glance toward the house. No one is out here but us. “He
asked if I was your boyfriend.” He raises his eyebrows.
“He did?” I nod. “Feziwe!” he grits his teeth. Looking
murderous for a second. He wouldn’t kill his sister, would
he?”
“No, I don’t think it’s her. He says he saw us kissing the
last time and that we touch each other a lot.”
“Oh.” He loses his steam. “That’s very observant for a 10-
year-old.
“He sounds eighteen going to eighty. Frankly, the boy
scares me. He made me seem like an idiot who didn’t
know anything.” Lunga burst out laughing.
“Yep, that’s him alright. Trust me he has that way with
people.”
“So, what are you going to do? What if he tells your entire
family at the lunch table?” I can’t take another messy
moment with his family.
“Nah, he won’t. I’ll talk to him though. I don’t want him
to think he has to carry a secret.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Are you ready to go in now?”
“Sure,” he reaches for the door handle but before he does
I grab his arm. “I had a good time today.” His smile
momentarily stuns me. He leans forward with his hand
wrapped at the back of my head and pulls me for a short
deep kiss.
“Me too.” I’m left reaching for more. But there is a knock
on his side of the window. We jump apart and find
Khulani watching us with his arms spread.
“You are not doing a good job at hiding.” He reprimands
us.
“We aren’t hiding buddy.” His uncle says stepping out of
the car.
“You aren’t telling either.” Khulani shrugs. Lunga sighs.
“We need to talk,” Lunga tells his nephew.
“Yes, we do but grand ma asked me to get you, lunch is
ready and I’m starving. Can we talk after?”
“Sure buddy,” I watch them walk side by side as I follow
them into the house. Now that I look closely Khulani
could pass off as Lunga’s son they are so similar. He would
make a great dad, if only he wanted kids. I push down the
disappointment that bubbles up.
“Thank you for joining us again today Ntando,” Lunga’s
mother says as we settle around the large dining table.
“Thank you for having me, Mrs Poswa.”
“It’s always nice seeing Lunga with his friends, letting
loose. He works too hard.” She adds.
“You know what they say about working hard,” he wiggles
his eyebrows.
“What do they say?” his mother is lost.
“Work hard, play hard.” Feziwe responds.
“I don’t see him playing,” Mrs Poswa glance at her son.
“Are you even dating?” I shift in my chair, concentrating
hard on the succulent oxtail on my plate.
“I date Ma!” there is a hint of annoyance in his tone.
“At you age son, I was married with three kids.” The father
adds to the topic.
“That was you, dad. I don’t want to get married and I have
my nephews and nieces so I’m content.”
“May we be excused.” Nicole asks all kid’s eyes begging.
The grandmother checks their plates and find them empty.
“Sure baby, you can.” She releases them and they run
outside.
“I know you love your nephews and nieces but you ought
to have your own kids.” The mother won’t let the subject
drop. The oxtail is beginning to taste like ash in my mouth.
I watch Lunga with the corner of my eye, wiping his
mouth and pushing his plate away. At least its half-eaten.
“Mom, can we drop this. Please.” He begs with an edge to
his tone.
“Lunga can take my kids.” Hombakazi says.
“I want grand children from you!” the mother snaps.
“Well we can’t always have what we want now, can we
mom. Besides you have grand kids!”
“They are not Poswa’s!” the father pipes in.
“Ouch!” Feziwe sulks. God this family has drama. But I
continue to polish my food because it gives me something
to do.
“You know what I mean.” The father mumbles
apologetically.
“No, daddy I do not. Are you implying our kids aren’t
good enough because they don’t share your name?”
“I didn’t say that!” he says at the same time the mother
says, “He didn’t say that!” they are a unit these two.
“They what is he saying? Because they have half your
DNA just as Lunga’s would.”
“Don’t act daft Feziwe, you know culturally our kids
belong to their father’s family?”
“Do not call me daft!”
Someone bangs the table, “God, can we ever get through
dinner without bickering!” Lunga scrapes his chair bag
getting on his feet.
“Sit down Lunga.” His father grits. Lunga hesitates for a
second but slowly returns to his seat. His face pinched.
“Can we get through a conversation without you running
off. I don’t think we are being unreasonable when want to
know when you’ll settle down.”
“I am settled, dad.”
“How, you are thirsty six. You never even brought anyone
you are dating home.”
“I have.” He says grinding his jaw. I shift uncomfortable,
suddenly having a sinking feeling in my gut.
“I would’ve remembered that.” The mother looks to her
husband and they both shrug.
“He is sitting, right here!” he waves at me. The room goes
quiet. I don’t think anyone is breathing. I’m too scared to
lift my head and the roar in my ears scares me. I do not
want to pass out in this moment.
“Oh.” Mrs Poswa says.
“Oh,” Her husband echoes.
“That’s all you have to say?” Lunga drawls. I chance a look
around the table. Feziwe is looking hard at her plate so
does her husband. Hombakazi’s eyes are bouncing around
the table as if looking for confirmation her ears aren’t
deceiving her. Lunga’s eyes are down cast. He grips a knife
in hand so hard.
“I’ll be damned.” Shaun sneers and already I can tell
whatever is going to come out of his mouth will not be
good. “You take it up the ass brother!”
“Shaun, what the fuck?” Hombakazi gasps.
“Why are you looking at me like that and not the fag at the
table.”
“Get out!” The mother screams. I might be the only one
who hears Lunga’s sharp intake of breath. I squeeze his
thigh beneath the table. He carefully releases the knife in
his hand and pushes his chair back.
“If that’s how…” He begins.
“Shaun, I said get out of my house!” it’s my turn to whip
my head around the table as Lunga drop back on his chair.
“What, me!” Shaun lets out a sardonic laugh. “You allow a
fag, to remain at the table and you chase me out for saying
what y’all think. The mighty son of judge Poswa takes it up
the ass.”
“You heard my wife, leave.” Mr Poswa growls his tone
sending chills down my spine. Shaun pushes his chair back
not so gently.
“Babe?” he stretches a hand to his wife. Hombakazi slowly
gets on her feet. Shaun smugly turns to leave.
“Shaun, wait.” He turns to face his wife. “I want you gone
from the house too when I get home.” She sits back down.
Shaun looks like he has just swallowed a lemon.
“Excuse me what?” He grabs her arm in a painful grip if
her wince is anything to go by.
“You heard my sister.” Lunga is on his feet now moving
towards Shaun. “Let go of my sister Shaun.” Shaun does
but he moves towards Lunga. Paul and Feziwe are on their
feet. I’m already moving.
“Or what?” Shaun doesn’t finish the statement as Lunga
pulls back with his fist and punches Shaun square on his
table. Shaun tumbles over a chair and falls flat on his ass.
Just as Lunga is about lunge for him, Paul hold him back.
“The kids.” He nods towards the large balcony. Lunga
grinds his jaw. I brush a tentative touch on his arms and he
glances at me. His eyes softening for just a second because
they turn to Shaun, who is scrambling to his feet.
“Leave!” Lunga roars. Shaun stumble outside, throwing
cusses at everyone in the room. When we hear the sound
of his car, everyone seems to release the tension they been
holding. Before I move back to my seat, Lunga grabs my
elbow and whisper in my ear.
“I’m sorry, baby.” I pat his hand and return to my chair.
“I’m sorry, Hombakazi.” Lunga peers at his sisters as he
sits.
“He is an ashore. I just didn’t realise he was also a bigot in
addition.” She says, her kind smiles reassuring her brother.
“So, you two,” Paul drawls.
“Paul!” Feziwe warns.
“What! I suspected.” He shrugs.
“You did?” Feziwe asks.
“Yeah. It was kind of odd he’d would bring his friend’s
nephew a decade younger than him to dinner.” Lunga
groans covering his face. I glance at his parents who are
still quiet. There is an awkward silence that follows it
makes my skin itch.
“Well, I’ve been asking the wrong questions.” Mr Poswa
turns to me. “What I should be asking is what are your
intentions with my son.”
“Mom!” Lunga reprimands as the table burst out laughing.
The tension lessons. No one speaks about the two of us
dating. I know they must have questions but I hope they
don’t ask. I don’t have answers. I didn’t know we were
officially dating and I didn’t consent to be outed. I should
be peeved about that but I’m just too happy that his family
has embraced his truth, I kind of put my issues at the back.
Lunch goes smoothly afterwards with the usual banter
between the siblings in full force and the parents
intervening every now and then. It’s almost evening by the
time we bundle the two tired kids in the back of my car.
Lunga had earlier disappeared with his father for almost an
hour leaving me with his sisters to grill me on how long
we’ve been dating. I evaded as much as I could until the
mother returned to save me. I might be reaching but I
think she likes me.
“I’m sorry, Ntando.” He breaks the silence when we’ve
been driving for a while. I glance in the rare view mirror;
the kids seem absorbed on their tablets but they don’t have
earphones on.
“Let’s talk about it when we get home.” I give him what I
hope is a reassuring smile. I don’t think it works with the
nervous smile he gives me in return. We drop off the kids
first at my uncles. Lunga remains in the car and I’m
relieved to find their nanny around as I drop them off. We
drive to Lunga’s in silence.
“Would you like something to drink?” he asks as he heads
for his liquor cabinet.
“I’ll have water.” I go to grab a bottle from the fridge and
join him in his patio.
“I shouldn’t have done that Ntando.” He says after a
moment of us standing in silence.
I sigh, “No you shouldn’t have. I haven’t even processed
what this is.” I wave a hand between us.
He groans, “I know.” He moves closer to me. “To be fair,
you are the only person I’ve brought home, baby.”
“As a friend, Lunga. I’m still figuring myself out and now I
feel the pressure to label us.” He places his glass on the
patio table and grabs my shoulder.
“I’m sorry, baby. No pressure here. I just couldn’t lie to my
parents but it doesn’t mean I’ll announce it to the world. I
don’t have to. You don’t have to. Let’s just be us.”
“Okay, we will be us.” I caress the side of his face. “I’m
proud of you though. That mustn’t have been easy.” He
drags a huge breath and let go of me.
“I didn’t think it would be that difficult, I never thought
I’d need to do it. I’m not ashamed of it I just never felt like
an announcement was necessary for me. but seeing my
parents’ acceptance of who I am, was a big deal.”
“And Shaun?”
“The guy has always been a douchebag. I’ve tolerated him
because of my sister but he can’t even hide behind that
anymore.”
“Ja, I feel sorry for her.”
“She’ll be alright. She has her family.”
“Your family is wild but it’s the best.”
“We have our moments.” He takes my hand and link our
finger. “Let’s go to bed. I need some loving.”
“I can give you that.” We walk side by side to his bedroom
after he locks up. Once we’ve stripped and are under the
covers, he reaches to his side table and brings out a key
and a key card. “Here,” he gives them to me, my hand
tremble as I take them. “This is a key for the house and the
card if for the gate. I want you to come here whenever you
want.” I swallow.
“Are you sure?” there is a shake in my voice.
“Yes, Ntando. Nothing would give me satisfaction than
knowing you are here even when I’m not.” He winks. I
laugh and wrap my arms around his neck, bringing him in
a heated kiss.
“We can go back, if you want. We don’t have to do this.” I
toy with the phone in my hand as I look at the quiet
building before us. A few people have gone in already
since we’ve been sitting here in the car in the parking area
of the grief counselling.
“I want to.” I’m just working up the courage to. Lunga
reaches over the console and takes my hand in his.
“You don’t have to talk in there. We can just go in and
observe.” I take a deep breath.
“Okay. Let’s go.” It’s a chilly evening and I burrow my
head inside my hoodie. Lunga opens the door to where we
have seen people disappear behind. He holds it open for
me and allows me to go in. It’s a large room, that looks like
an auditorium with wooden floors and high walls. There is
a stage at the edge of the room but the group occupies a
corner. The seat around a large circle and there are folded
chairs stacked against the wall. Lunga quickly grabs two
and joins the circle. I notice a long table on the side filled
with refreshments. It explains why a few people had
brought in containers of food. The group is very diverse in
age, race and gender. Death doesn’t discriminate.
“Good evening. Everyone.” A white lady, with greying hair
and a pair of sunglasses greets with a smile that crinkles the
corner of her eyes. “Welcome to the new people visiting
us. My name in Nancy. I’m the facilitator and have been
grieving my son for fifteen years now,” she smiles looking
around at everyone in the circle. “Would you like to
introduce yourselves before we begin.” She looks directly
where we standing. Words get stuck in my throat. I didn’t
think I would have to speak so soon.
“I’m Lunga and this is Ntando.” Lunga responds and I
smile my gratitude at him. We get a few friendly smiles
from the group. Some people just seem to be lost in their
own world.
“Anyone who would like to share.” Nancy leads the
meeting. After a few minutes of silence, a young woman
who can’t be older than me raises her hand.
“I’m Thuli,” she introduces herself probably for the
benefit of the new people. “I finally visited my husband’s
grave today,” her voice cracks and there are murmurs of
encouragement from a few people. “It felt real you know,
seeing his name engraved on that headstone. So
permanent.” She wipes and there are sympathetic nods
from all around. “It’s seems cold to, had me wondering if
he wasn’t cold, in there. Silly, I know.” She chuckles.
“Our feelings are never silly, Nancy. You must be proud of
the step you taken.” Nancy’s to is kind, empathic, like she
understands exactly what Thuli is talking about. Maybe she
does, she did say on her intro she was grieving a son. How
would that feel like? As a parent to lose a child? Is it worse
than a child losing a parent? “Anyone else who would like
to share?” one by one people share. I realise apart from
Nancy, everyone else’s grief or loss seem to be recent,
months, a year or two ago. Their emotions vary. Some are
still gripped by their emotion to a point they aren’t even
able to complete a sentence. Some can easily talk about
their grief even though you can sense their sadness, in their
body language or their tone and it’s always lurking in their
eyes. I listen and absorb their pain, I can relate to some of
the feelings they share, I can’t relate on some. But the pain
we all carry is familiar.
I don’t share and when it’s time to leave I don’t stay for
the refreshments. Lunga has to catch up with me as I hurry
towards the car. We don’t speak in the car and Lunga
doesn’t ask where I would like to be dropped. He drives us
straight to his place. When we get to his house, he fixed us
each a glass of whiskey. I’m kind of used this bitter staff.
He leads me to the living room and we sit on the same
couch.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks grazing my arm
with his hand.
“I feel like an impostor in there. People are there grieving
recent loss but now I must come and talk about something
that happened ten years ago.” He hums taking a long sip of
his drink.
“When Nancy spoke about her son, it felt to me like it had
just happened yesterday.” He glances at me. “Does your
mom’s loss feel ancient?” I shake my head.
“It feels like it just happened.”
“Then you have your answer. Only you know the pain of
your grief. It seems to me you’ve put a scab over a leaking
and infested wound. The scab is cracking open Ntando.”
“It just so sad in there.” I glance at him, he shifts to face
me and takes my hand in his. I sigh at the touch. “But I felt
like they knew me, you know? Like so much of my feeling
were validated.” He nods and listens to me talk about the
session. How it made me feel.
“Do you think you’ll go back.”
“Yes.” I say without hesitation. “It feels better than one on
one therapy. And as bad as it sounds, I take comfort in
knowing the people in that room are talking from
experience.” He takes my glass and places it with his empty
glass on the coffee table and fold me in his arms. We sit
like that for a while.
Zuki

“Is Ntando home?” Nhlakanipho asks as he feels his way

to his sit. I’ve long stopped the urge to want to assist. He
cut that very fast. It’s the first day I’ve cooked since our
fight the weekend. I hate fighting with him and I hate the
long silences between us. So I decided to cook and make it
a family dinner. I had hoped Bonolo and Ntando would be
around as a buffer but Bonolo had to work. I haven’t seen
Ntando for days. I last saw him when he returned the kids
from their outing and that was four days ago.
“No, he comes and goes as he pleases.”
“He is a grown man.”
“I don’t dispute that but he could do the decent thing and
inform us when he won’t be home. What am I going to do
with all this food?” Nhlakanipho doesn’t respond.
“I’ll eat it mommy,” Khanya offers.
“Me too mama,” Azaphe not wanting to be left behind,
even while she is battling with a mouth feel.
“There is steak and steamed vegetables with a baked
potato on your plate.” I inform Nhlakanipho.
“Thank you. It smells delicious.” We eat in silence for a
while with nothing but the clanking of cutlery.
“Things didn’t go well with the business pitch at NRD.”
Nhlakanipho eventually breaks the silence.
“Mh, Ntando told me.” I vaguely remember him telling me
something like that.
“He took it hard.”
“I can imagine.”
“Maybe he is somewhere blowing off some steam.”
“With Lunga I’m sure.”
“Why do you say that?” Nhlakanipho frowns.
“They seem to be hanging out a lot these days.” I absently
say. I don’t even know why I mentioned it. I haven’t seen
them together since the day I hurt my wrist.
“Mommy we are done; can we go to our room now?”
Khanya asks, with still a mouthful but his plate is empty.
Azaphe is still trying to cram a lard spoonful in her mouth.
“Sure baby, don’t forget to brush your teeth I’ll come tuck
you in.” After giving us quick hugs they run off leaving
behind a noticeable chill. The scraping and clanking of
cutlery works on my nerves. I push my half-finished plate
and drink my wine. The silence is grating.
“I’ve asked Aza to recommend a therapist for me.”
Nhlakanipho breaks the silence.
“Mmh.”
“Is that all you are going to say?” he snaps.
“What do you want me to say, Nhlaka?”
“Isn’t this what you wanted?” I shake my head.
“You know what, I shouldn’t have had to say anything in
the first place. Its common sense. If you cared enough
about me, we would’ve looked for a therapist together!”
“Why would you help me find a therapist, Zukiswa. Can’t
you just let thing be about someone else for once!”
“Fine!” I push the chair back and angrily clear the table. In
my haste I knock over my wine glass and it spills all over
the table and of course some of it get to Nhlakanipho. He
mutters something that I can’t hear and gets up.
“Do you need help?” he asks.
“How are you going to help?” my blood runs cold the
moment the words leave my mouth. He stands still,
swallowing. “I didn’t mean…”
“Yeah you did.” His tone is flat. He feels for his stick and
walks away leaving me clutching a wine soaked place mat
to my chest. I stand for a while until the wine drips to my
slippers. I grab another glass and pour myself another. I
clear the table, mop the floor. I move to the kitchen and
clean until it’s spotless. By the time I’m done, I’ve gone
through a full bottle of wine and all thoughts have flown
out of my mind. I am feeling the buzz. Or it could be my
phone ringing. I glance at the screen and ignore it when I
see it’s my mother’s name flashing. Of course she doesn’t
give up. It rings again. I’m weary of speaking to her, she
has been nagging lately, asking probing questions. But she
could call Nhlakanipho and I don’t want to face him again
tonight so I answer.
“Mama.” She sighs
“Ekuqgibeleni, waphendula. Yintoni uhlala ubaleka ama calls
wethu?”
“Usually xa ndi busy mama.” She scoffs.
“Ithini into ye birthday ka Nhlakanipho? You are very quiet
about it and it’s in two weeks.” Shit, it slipped my mind. I
usually make a big deal out of it like he does on mine but
this year so much is going on I haven’t had time to think.
“Don’t tell me you forgot your husband’s birthday Zuki!” I
cringe at the disappointed tone from my mother.
“It’s in two weeks’ mama, I haven’t forgotten.” I lie “I was
planning something small. I don’t want to overwhelm
Nhlaka. Just him and the kids.”
“I think the family needs something bigger than that Zuki,
sort of a thanksgiving. There is so much we need to be
grateful for.” I sigh.
“I just don’t have the strength for something big.”
“Leave it to me and your father, baby.” I can’t let her
down with the way she sounds excited.
“Okay, do your thing ke.”
“Get some sleep, you sound tired.”
“Good night, Mama.” I guess I have to brace myself for a
party. I suddenly feel bone tired. I switch off the lights and
make my way to my bedroom. The bedroom I’ve been
sleeping alone for months now.
I wake up feeling tired and the helper prepares the kids
while I nurse a headache. I could use a glass of wine. It
helps with the headache but I have to drive the kids to
school. I haven’t seen Nhlakanipho all morning. He is
probably doing his physio. It’s more like working out at
this point.
“Can we go to grandma’s after school?” Azaphe asks
before she gets off the car outside her preschool. They’ve
been avoiding spending time with us lately, preferring their
grandparents or even Ntando or Bonolo when they are
around.
“Sure baby, I’ll speak to grandma.”
“Yes!” she jumps out of the car. I sigh and drive back
home. Aza’s car is parked upfront when I arrive. I’m
tempted to reverse and go for breakfast but I do not. This
is my home; I will not be run off by her. I’m startled to
find her sitting alone in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in
hand.
“What are you doing here.”
“Good morning to you too Zukiswa.” I take a deep breath
and pull out a bottle of wine from the fridge. “Isn’t it a bit
early for that.” My body tenses as I reach for the glass. I
slowly breathe out and force myself to relax.
“It night-time somewhere in the world.” She doesn’t say
anything but I can feel her eyes on me. I pour myself a
glass and take a sip and only then do I look at her.
“Comfortable?”
She chuckles, “Nhlakanipho quit therapy with me.”
“What do you want me to do about it?” I pull out a chair
besides her and sit.
“We were making progress. Don’t you think changing
therapists will derail that?” I shrug. She frowns at me.
“You are the one that asked him to do that?” I look away.
“Oh my God, you are so pathetic!” the crack sound
surprises me but when I see Aza holding her cheek and my
hand tingling, I realise what I’ve done. The worst part, I’m
not even sorry.
“You deserved that?” I say. Her eyes are wide in disbelief.
“There are many therapists that Nhlakanipho can see. It
doesn’t have to be the one he is fucking!”
Her eyes get bigger, “You are still holding on to something
that happened ten years ago! Once! When you had broken
up.” She shakes her head. “I have Bondeko, who I love
very much, why would I be fucking my best friend?” I
don’t answer. “Oh my, this is worse than I thought.” She
grabs her phone and car keys then walks off. She pauses by
the exit. “You need help Zuki, you have a problem with
alcohol and so many unresolved issues. You are spiralling
and taking your family down with you. And that is my
professional opinion!” she leaves me watching the empty
space she has just vacated. I sit in the kitchen for a while,
numb, glass of wine untouched and tears streaking down
my face.
Ntando

“I liken my grief to a stone. Sometimes it’s a pebble in my

pocket and sometimes it’s a boulder. All I can do at those
times is sit on it.” Nancy says, her sad eyes crackling at the
corners. She put it perfectly. This is my fourth session and
this time Lunga has come with. He wasn’t able to come the
past two sessions as he was away on business. I’ve yet to
speak in these sessions but listening and absorbing other’s
pain is cathartic for me. “We’ve come to the end of this
session. Anyone who would like to share before we close?”
I hesitate for a brief second before I raise my hand. All
eyes turn to me and my entire body flushes in heat. I feel a
squeeze of Lunga’s hand on my thigh. His touch settling
me.
I clear my throat, “My name is Ntando. I lost my mom
eleven years ago. I was fifteen. My world changed that day
and he has never been the same.” A lump form at the
throat and I’m unable to continue so I don’t. Lunga grabs
my hand and squeezes.
“Thank you Ntando for trusting us with your pain.” Nancy
says. I nod. The meeting is wrapped up and Lunga and I
stay for drinks and snacks. He had baked cookies and
brought them for the group. We mingle for half an hour
before we help with the packing up. A few ladies flock
around Lunga, chatting him up. Outside of the sessions
people don’t wear their grief like a cloak, so you couldn’t
tell that someone was grieving by looking at them. And
most of the women here are beautiful. So it sets me on
edge when I see their friendliness directed at Lunga. I also
don’t blame them. He is hot. I observe him from a
distance as he stands with his arms folded in his chest
speaking to two ladies. He is wearing a soft grey woollen
sweater and black jeans. He looks like a God.
“I can see why you are smitten with him.” Nancy walks up
to me. I drag my eyes away from Lunga and turn to her.
“Pardon?” she laughs.
“Oh don’t pardon me. I can see it as clear as daylight.” I
open my mouth to argue but I close it. I’m not about to
deny him.
“He is handsome, isn’t he?” she pats my shoulder.
“Those girls are oblivious.”
“Is it that obvious?”
“To anyone paying attention to the two of you, yes.” She
smiles and walks off. Lunga turns to me and smiles. He
says something to the ladies and their smiles fade as he
comes towards me.
“Hey.” He standing really close. “Ready to go?” I nod. He
takes my hand and leads me out with surprised stares
following us. I guess that’s one way of clearing things.
Once we reach the car he pushes me against it and kisses
me until my toes curl inside my shoes.
“What was that for.” I pant as he pulls apart.
“Because I can,” he says. “Also, I’m proud of you. You did
good today.” I lean my forehead on his shoulder and he
rubs my back. We remain like this for a few seconds before
he pulls the door open and gentle guides me inside. He
drives and I watch him with a smile on my face until we
reach home. Then when we get home, he proceeds to love
me until every part of me is numb and I pass out
deliriously happy.
The following morning, I wake up with a smile on my face
and an empty space next to me. it’s still warm to the touch.
I stretch my body and find it sore in the way that matters.
The shower is running, if wasn’t as sated as I am, I would
go join him but I don’t, instead I roll over and grab my
phone.
|I think I’m in love| I quickly type and send
before thinking about it, because if I don’t tell someone I
might combust. My phone immediately rings and I laugh as
Kwanele’s name flashes on the screen I glance at the
bathroom door before I answer. The shower is still
running.
“Who is she?” he says in the way of greeting. The moment
of truth has come.
“His name is Lunga.” There is silence.
“Oh My God! I knew it would be a man!”
“What? How did you know when I didn’t?”
“You were never interested in women.”
“I was never interested in men either.”
“True, but dude, Love? That’s amazing and scary.”
“I know.”
“How do you even know?”
“I just do man.”
“Yeah, tell me about him.”
“He is…” the bathroom door opens and Lunga walks out
with only a towel wrapped around his waist and droplets of
water glistening his skin. “Listen Kwani, I’ll call you back.”
“You dog, I want the details. Call me.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I hand up. Sitting up on the bed as
Lunga drops the towel.
“Good morning.” He says.
“Morning.” My eyes rake over his naked body. “Come
here.” He pauses whatever he was about to do. He looks in
my eyes and a smile creeps in as he walks to me. He gets
on the bed and crawls over me. “Come up here.” I show
him where I want his as I slide down, arranging the pillows
beneath me. “I want you in my mouth.” His eyes darken as
he straddles my chest. He grabs his filling dick and presses
it against my lips. Once I have him in my mouth I don’t let
up until he is spilling down my throat. He slides down on
my and takes me down with my ass pushing off the
mattress. I’m too close and it doesn’t take him long to tip
me over the edge.
“Don’t you have a meeting to go to.” He asks gasping for
air.
“Fuck!” I push him off me and run to the bathroom his
laughter ringing behind me. How can I forget the business
pitch we have? I need to get this one. I don’t care what the
team says. We might not be what the company we are
pitching to, usually goes for but our proposal is solid. It
has to blow their minds. After a quick shower and dressing
up, I find and omelette and a cup of coffee ready for me.
These are some of the things that make fall for this man
every day.
“I wish you could come with?” I say shovelling a spoonful
in my mouth. I don’t know why I say that; I’ve been
handling things in his absence for a while now. I don’t
really need him for work when I think about it. I want him
around me all the time. Which is why I spend more nights
at his house than I do at home. I hope he doesn’t mind.
“You got this.” He says
“I know.” I smirk.
The meeting with the potential investors goes through
without a hitch. Unfortunately, we will have to go into a
weekend without knowing the outcome. They promise to
get back to us on Monday but the team is hopeful. I am
not. There was a moment in there where I messed up with
the figures and designs Michelle had to intervene. They
seem keen to be associated with Bengu Inc., so we’ve got
that going for us. So does NS Construction. I take the
team out for lunch before I release them. It’s a Friday, we
all deserve a half day especially after the work we’ve put in
the business proposal. Unfortunately for me, it’s a wasted
afternoon, Lunga the person I want to relax with has a
crammed schedule. He had to shift his Saturday meetings
to Friday, so he could make it for Uncle’s party.
On my way home, Ma calls and asks me to run errands for
her. Something I keenly accept. It will give me something
to do and keep me away from home. I haven’t been
around them much, even Bonolo is avoiding them and she
is more of a peace maker than any of us.
I don’t speak to Lunga until later in the evening when I’m
already in bed under the covers and it’s a short call before
he takes an international call. The man works too hard but
he doesn’t complain, probably because he loves what he is
doing and he enjoys the money. Just like I never
complained about long hours flying. I can’t wait to get
back to it. I’m also encouraged by seeing uncle Nhla’s
progress. He walks, and this means his sight might return,
even if it doesn’t, he’ll adapt and he can go back to running
his company. Even Raj is out of rehab and sober. I really
hope he stay that way this time.
The following morning, I’m tasked to keeping Uncle Nhla
away from the house until they are ready to surprise him. A
tricky task considering the limited options I could take him
to. The only think I can think of is gym. He has exercise
equipment in the house but it was only limited to his
recovery. Now that he has fully recovered I’m sure he’d
appreciate the variety of equipment. When I propose the
idea he happily agrees.
“How did you know I needed to get out of the house?” he
asks on our way to the gym.
“I just figure you’d appreciate a change of scenery.”
“Right on man, plus you’ll be there to spot me. I miss the
heavier equipment.”
“Just don’t hurt yourself, uncle Nhla. We are there to have
fun, blow off some steam, not to compete.” I know how
competitive he can be with his friends. I been out with him
on his adventure so many times to know that he can be a
dare devil.
“Nah, I’ll take it easy on you.” He doesn’t. we spend the
next two hours pumping iron, my muscles will feel it for
weeks. I wait with abated breath for the text to come and
when it does, I drop my weights mid set and pack up. I
help Uncle Nhla with the shower at the gym because he is
not familiar with the set up. He grumbles about how he
should’ve showered at home. But I needed him to shower
and change because there would be people waiting for him.
“Are there more cars than usual in the yard?” he frowns as
he looks through the window. I whip my head to him.
“No,” I blurt out.
“Oh, sometimes I see shadows. Like silhouettes and then
they’d disappear.”
“That could mean your sight is returning.” I pull the car
into park far from the other cars in the driveway, feeling
kak about lying.
“It could be.” He sighs or just a trick of the light.”
“What does your doctor say?”
“I have an appointment with him next week. Plus, a check
up to see if a surgery is necessary or we wait until my sight
returns on its own.” He steps out of the car without my
help, placing the stick before him as he makes his way into
the house. My eyes do a quick scan around the yard and
disappointment settles in my chest when I don’t see
Lunga’s car. But its seems everyone else close to us is here.
“Surprise!” the roar is deafening and Uncle Nhla skids to a
stop with me bumping into him.
“You little devil, this is what the impromptu gym was
about.” He says to me.
“Guilty, also I missed spending time with you.” I squeeze
his shoulder and nudge him forward. Everyone comes up
to him, wishing him a happy birthday before hugging him.
At least his smile is genuine as he moves through the
house to where they set up.
The party is in full session and the crowded living room is
overwhelming for me. The kids are swimming and I make
my way to the dining room. It’s quiet except for people
that come in to get food and disappear back to where
everyone is sitting.
“Always the introvert.” Bonolo teases as she pulls the chair
to sit beside me.
“I was kind of born this way.” she bursts into a Lady Gaga
song while I shake my head chuckling. “You are crazy.”
“Why are you sitting here by yourself?” she asks grabbing a
bowl of pretzels.
“I needed the quiet while still part of the party.”
“They look okay, don’t they?” My gaze fly to hers and
follow where she is looking. At Uncle and Zuki. Zuki is
sitting on an armchair of the seat uncle Nhla is sitting on.
Uncle Nhla has his arms loosely wrapped around her waist.
They are listening to KG who has the entire room
captured with his jokes.
“I hope so.” I say.
“I’ve been so worried about them, Ntando.” She softly
says.
“So have I. They’ll be alright. They love each other.”
Bonolo and I eventually move to the second lounge when
the alcohol begins to circulate. And traffic to and from
outside becomes a distraction. She chats with me about her
latest girlfriend who is still in university. She can’t shut up
about her. She doesn’t even notice that my attention in half
with her, the other half anticipating Lunga’s arrival. How
are we going to behave among my family, his friends all in
attendance? Uncle Nhla might not see but he has become
very intuitive. There is KG and even Baba. That on has a
keen I and I could never put anything pass him. But I’m
not ready to tell them, not because they won’t accept me, I
know they will, I don’t want the attention this kind of
relationship with bring. The more pressing issue might be
the friendship between Lunga and my uncle, I’m more
worried about that and I think Lunga is worried too. We
don’t talk about it. It’s like a cavernous trench between us
that neither can cross but both can see.
My body reacts before I even see him. Goosebumps sweep
my skin. The immediate change of pace in my heartbeat at
the sound of his voice as he greets people has me shifting
in my chair. This is not the place to find comfort in her s
presence.
“What are you smiling at?” Bonolo breaks the trance I’m
in.
“Huh?”
“OMG, what’s on your phone that has you spaced out?”
“Nothing.” I mumble.
“Whatever. I’m getting a refill do you want a drink?”
“No thanks.” I’d taken my anxiety pills earlier. With what I
went through yesterday at the business meeting and the
stress of the day, I didn’t want anything to ruin Uncle
Nhla’s party. I watch Bonolo walk away and then my eyes
stray to where Lunga is standing, chatting with my uncle
and KG. His eyes flicker to mine. The air between us
crackles even from a distance. I swallow unable to look
away
Oh, we are treading on dangerous ground. Precarious,
perilous ground.
My world shifts when he smiles at me. Our connection is
broken when KG taps him on his arm. I drop my eyes to
my trembling hands. I need to get myself together. Bonolo
returns surprising me with a bottle water which I gratefully
accept. I take a long pull of the cold liquid, hoping it would
cool my burning insides.
“Did you see Lunga is here?” my gaze flies to Bonolo’s.
“Yeah, so.” She isn’t looking at me but at her phone.
“I think he is the hottest of Bhut’ Nhlakanipho’s friends. If
I wasn’t into girls I’d totally do him.” My body stiffens,
irrational rage coursing through me. I feel a hand on my
shoulder that makes my body melt and then stiffen in a
more different way than it just did. I tip my head.
“Hey,” Lunga is standing behind me, looking down at me,
smiling. I feel the loss of his hand when he removes it.
“Hi.” Our eyes lock and they say so many things, the want,
desire and need to kiss, hold, touch. Fuck.
“How are you?” the room disappears, the noise from the
living room, Bonolo sitting a few feet away, the sound of
music, everything. It disappears and there only the two of
us.
“I’m good.” My eyes dart between his eyes and his lips. I
don’t know which feeds my desire more, the lips I want on
me or the fire in his eyes.
“Would you get me a drink of water, please.” A ridiculous
request considering he’d been closer to the kitchen before
he moved to where we are sitting.
“I’ll get it,” Bonolo offers reminding us that we are not
alone. “How are you?”
“Hey Bonolo, I’m good.”
“Don’t sweat Bonolo, I’ll get it. I need a drink myself.” I
lie, Bonolo frowns but her beeping phone soon has her
attention. I rise up and head to the kitchen with Lunga
following closely behind. I can feel the heat of him on my
back, and my body vibrates with tension. I walk through
and out the kitchen door, without looking to see if he is
following me on not. The moment we are out of sight, he
grabs me, turns me around while pushing me against the
wall. My gasp is silenced by his lips descending on mine
and I grab on his waist pulling. I cling to him as the only
solid thing in this dizzying world. His insistent mouth parts
my lips sending wild tremors along my nerves. Before I ca
drown in the sea of sensation I kiss him back with as much
fervour. His groan vibrates against my chest before he
pulls back. We are both breathing harshly through our
noses.
“I needed that.” He says. I wrap my hand and the back of
his heads and pull him in for another kiss.
“Me too.” I mutter against his lips.
“Would it be rude if we sneaked out and went home.” I
look around and then back to him.
“Yes, it would be.” He leans forwards and steals another
quick kiss. Our foreheads touch.
“Will you come to my place tonight?”
“After I help clean up.”
“Okay,” another quick kiss.
“Yo, Lunga, are you out here?” KG’s voice sounds too
close. We reluctantly pull apart, readjusting our pants as
much as we can. Lunga winks at me before he disappears
to the house. I stay behind leaning against the wall and
trying to regulate my breathing to normal. It’s a while later
when I return to the house. The party is in full mode now
and they are playing a game of thirsty seconds. I wouldn’t
be caught dead near this rowdy bunch, so I escape to sit by
the pool and watch the kids as they swim until they are
exhausted. The sun is setting by the time I shuffle them
into the house and instruct them to go bath.
Bonolo, skips on me when her girlfriend shows up, leaving
me to watch a movie while the party continues in another
room. When things get to loud and rowdy, I venture close
to see what’s going on. I’m not surprised to see Zuki and
my Uncle arguing about the game. They were on separate
teams and I suppose they took the game a little too serious.
It becomes so awkward the guests disperse, calling it a
night. Even Baba and Ma aren’t staying behind. Lunga
gives me a look and a wink before he leaves.
I lean against the wall and watch one by one as all the
guests leave, then my uncle and aunt go their separate
ways. I sigh and begin a clean-up of the place. It’s almost
midnight when I’m throwing out the last thrash back. I
walk out to check things by the pool and I notice my aunt
is out there, lying on the lounger. Thinking she might have
passed out, I rush to her, only to realise she is awake and is
drinking out of a tequila bottle. Once she sees me she gets
on her feet, swaying and throwing hands in the air.
“Dance with me, Ntando!” her arms come to my shoulder
one hand griping the bottle of tequila.
“You’ve had enough of this.” I try and reach for the bottle
while extricating myself from her.
“Nonsense.” She slurs. “It’s a party don’t be a pooper.”
She giggles, taking a swig of the tequila as if its water.
“Here” she places the bottle on my lips. “Drink with me.”
“No, aunty.” I try and push her off me.
“Come on, you don’t want me to drink this on my won do
you?” I look at the half finish bottle, she ii drunk already,
she’ll be sick if she drinks the entire damn thing. I grab the
bottle and take a large swig. It’s not as bad as I expected. I
never had tequila before. She grabs the bottle and takes
another sip then back to be. What the hell? I drink, feeling
my stomach turning as the alcohols settles.
“See, you are fun!” she is giddy with excitement. “Not like
your uncle who ruined his own party.” Her face crumples.
“He doesn’t love me anymore, Ntando.” I absently drink,
feeling the buzz from the rushed drinking. “Do you love
me.” her glazed eyes plead with mine.
“Of course I do aunty. I love both of you and I wish you
would sort your shit out!” she giggles and moves closer
than I’m comfortable, running her hand up my chest.
“Ooh, perfect Ntando swore.” Her hand continues to slide
up. I grab it and hold it in place, my vision is swimming
though. I belatedly realise the pills I took earlier. They will
definitely class with tequila. “What I want to know, is do
you love me, love me.” alarm bells ring at the back of my
head but I’m too slow to react. I feel lips on mine, too soft,
no scruff and unfamiliar. There is a thud of the bottle
falling on the grass. I blink trying to get my bearing but my
aunt is climbing me like a monkey, kissing me and horror
of horrors I’m kissing her back. I push at her chest hard,
well as hard as I can manage while my body is losing
control. She stumbles backward, her eyes unfocused. She
frowns with fingers against her lips. Then the cracking
sound of her hand against my cheek gives me a little focus.
“How dare you, Ntando! I’m your aunt!” I feel a rush of
cold in my vein, turning my blood into ice.
“I…I ...”
“Get out of my face!” she screams. I stumble backwards
then turn, running into the house. My heart is beating out
of my chest and my stomach is turning. I’m going to be
sick. I absently walk into the house and come to a hard
stop when I see my uncle his face ashen, looking at me
with a look filled with, disgust, anger and hurt. Hurt is
more prevalent.
“Uncle Nhla….” I open and close my mouth. He blinks.
The way his eyes are focused on me, I get a sinking feeling
that his sight has returned and he might have witnessed
whatever the hell that was that just happened.
“Get out.” his tone is deadly.
“Malume…”
“Get out of my house, Ntando!” he roars, coming for me.
I side step him, stumbling over a chair and running for the
exit. He doesn’t chase me. when I’m outside my stomach
gives in and I empty all its contents into the trimmed
flower beds upfront. Once there is nothing left but dry
heaving I get on shaky legs and into my car. The drive to
Lunga’s is blurred with unshed tears. What just happened
back there?
My hands are sweaty when I try the key at Lunga’s. weird,
it seems like it’s locked from the inside. He usually takes
out his own key whether he know I’m coming or not. I
didn’t want to wake him up because it’s way too late to
disturb his sleep. But I have no choice. I need his
comforting presence so I knock. After a few seconds of
knocking and waiting the door opens and I have to step
back and look around just to confirm I’m in the right
house. Obviously I am. The person who opens the door,
looks me up and down with a frown marring her gorgeous
face, because yes, she is stunning. She is wearing one of
Lunga’s formal shirts. Its oversize on her and goes to her
mid-thigh. I know for sure she is not wearing anything
underneath. She holds the door, making no movement to
let me in.
“Can I help you?” she asks. I should be asking her the
same thing.
“Who are you and what are you doing here?”
“I should ask you the same.”
“Is Lunga here?” I try to push past her but she blocks the
entrance.
“Yes he is, he is sleeping.” She smiles coyly. “I must have
exhausted him the poor thing. It’s been a while since we’ve
seen each other. I tried to wake him when I heard your
knock but he is dead to the world. Recovering.” She gives
me a conspiratory wink. My head is buzzing, I feel sick.
“Oh,” My chest tightens and the walls seem to be closing
in. “Sorry I bothered you.” I stumble back, down the stairs.
She closes the door and I feel like all my oxygen has been
cut off. I stumble all the way to my car leaning heavily on
the door as I open it. Tremors run through me at intervals.
I don’t know how I manage to drive myself to a nearest
hotel but I do. I get through booking and check-in on auto
-pilot. It is only when I’m in my room that I fall on my
knees and breakdown. I cry like I’d never done before. I
cry for my mother, for leaving me alone in this world,
because right now I feel so alone. I cry for my Uncle and
what he witnessed. I cry for Zuki and her pain. Finally, I
cry for me, for being stupid enough to fall in love. To
believe that Lunga was that one person in the entire
universe who was made for me. He never made any
promises to me, it’s my naiveté and inexperience that
mistook great chemistry for love. Poor me. I cry until there
is nothing left to give. Then I take a shower, a pain tablet
that I find in the hotel room, switch off my phone and
crawls under the cool sheets. I welcome the exhaustion as
it pulls me under.
Lunga

My head feels heavy. I am awake but my head is still buried

into the pillow while I catalogue my body. I am hungover.
I know have a splitting headache without even having
opened my eyes. I also know that I’m alone in bed without
checking. Usually I’d be curled around Ntando, holding
him to me as if he’d planned an escape in the night or I’d
wake up to him sprawled on top of me, trapping me
between himself and the mattress. I stretch out my hand
and feel the space next to me, it’s cold just a I suspected. I
roll over with a groan and taste ash in my mouth. I
shouldn’t have had the tequila shots in the end. I didn’t
know when Zuki had become such a heavy drinker but she
was a menace last night. Why didn’t Ntando come over? A
sound in the kitchen gets my heart dancing. He must be
making food? Strange he hardly ever wakes before me and
the kitchen is not his favourite place. I throw the covers
off and drag my sluggish body to the bathroom.
I feel slightly better after a shower and a promise of coffee
will do the rest. I come to a skid when I see who is in my
kitchen. How could I have forgotten she’d called crying
last night already outside the estate begging to talk. I
couldn’t really turn her away at the time. Her latest
boyfriend had broken up with her and she thought of me.
she still missed me and loved me. after making it clear to
her, albeit I might have been harsh about it in my drunken
state, but I told her I love one person in the world and he
was coming over. She seemed to take it well, which led me
to offering her a guest room.
“Candice!” she looks up and smiles.
“I made you breakfast. Thank you for letting me crash here
last night.”
“No problem.” I absently say, looking around for my
phone. I spot it where I left it on the kitchen counter and
grab it.
“Coffee?”
“Sure.” Another absent response as I call Ntando. It goes
straight to voicemail. Weird. He didn’t drink last night and
it’s almost 9 am to still be sleeping. A steaming cup slides
before me. I look up and smile at Candice even if I don’t
feel like it.
“Thanks.” I take a sip as I watch her turn what I assume is
scrambled eggs. I hate scramble eggs. “Did Ntando come
over last night?”
“Who?” she doesn’t look at me as she dishes up for both
of us and grab the toasted slices of bread that she had
already prepared.
“My boyfriend, Ntando.” I say impatiently. I know I told
her about him. She pushes the sad plate before me.
“No. No one came over last night.” I take a bite of the
eggs, they are salty and rubbery. Candice never was great in
the kitchen and she liked to try. I push the plate aside and
grab my coffee.
“A little hungover.” I say.
“Yeah, you were pretty out of it last night.” I wasn’t that
bad but whatever. She talks about her latest gig on some
TV show. Her possibly role at becoming a face of some
fragrance company. I switch off at some point as I send
messages to Ntando that go unread and unanswered.
Worry niggles at the pit of my stomach.
“Candice, you need to leave. I have somewhere to be.” I
interrupt her chatter.
“I thought we’d do lunch, catch up.” I rise to my feet.
“Candice, we haven’t been anything to each other in
months. Honestly, I don’t want to hurt your feeling but,
we aren’t friends. We both decided, it didn’t work out we
went our separate ways. You can’t just show up here
unannounced. I don’t even know what to say to you.” Her
eyes water at the sting of my words. I might be taking out
my frustration with her but I don’t know why she is here.
“Oh, okay. Sorry to have bothered you.” She drops the
dishcloth in her hand and storms off the kitchen. I try
Ntando again still voice mail. Candice returns, dressed in
last night clothes with her hand bag in hand. “Bye, Lunga.”
“Bye, Candice. I’m sorry I was harsh earlier but it’s the
truth.” She shrugs nonchalantly but I can see the smudges
of tears on her face. Had I not been worried about Ntando
I would reassure her but at this moment, I need her gone.
Once she is gone. I grab my keys and wallet and drive to
Nhlakanipho’s house.
I’m surprised he is the one that opens the door. he looks
me straight in the eyes and then I see tears well in his.
“Lunga, my friend.” I’m suddenly enveloped in a tight grip.
“It’s so great to see you.” The words are carried with so
much emotion. I pull back and look at him.
“Your sight has returned?” I search his eyes in wonder,
excitement filling my voice. He nods as he swallows.
“Yeah.” He sniffs. “Last night out of the blue, I could
see,” he lets me go and allows me in the house. “One
moment I was seeing shades and silhouettes and the next
things were focused.” I squeeze his shoulder.
“I’m happy for you man. It has been a long journey for
you.”
He rubs his brow, “Yes, it has. I still have a slight headache
and the light is too bright when I go outside without the
shades. I’ve made an appointment to see my doctor the
following morning.” He says leading me to the living
room. The house is clean as if we didn’t have a raging party
a night before. My eyes scan the house even a squint to the
back yard, there is no sign of Ntando.
“I’m truly happy for you.” I repeat. I am excited for him
but my worry overrides this excitement at the moment. “Is
Ntando home?” I blurt out and his body tenses while his
eyes drop to the floor.
“No he isn’t.” he sighs.
“Oh, do you know where he is? I need to speak to him.” I
fail to hide the desperation in my voice. What changed
after I’d left here last night?
Nhlakanipho frowns, “I chased him out of the house last
night.” I blink. Maybe I’ve lost my hearing.
“I’m sorry, you what?” he shifts uncomfortable on his
seat.”
“I found him forcing himself on my wife, last night. Had
she not slapped some sense into him, I don’t know what
would have happened.” I blink then burst out laughing, it’s
devoured of humour and I sound deranged.
“He what?”
“Yeah man. I don’t know what got into him. He is always
being strange towards Zuki but I never expected that.”
“Ntando and Zuki. Do you hear yourself? Are you crazy?”
“Trust me, I wish I was.” He growls, his anger simmering
just under the surface.
“You must have been hallucinating man, I mean your sight
had just returned. I can tell you now, Ntando would never
do that and you should know better!” I can’t contain my
rising voice as I get on my feet. I see Zuki walking down
the stairs looking sombre. “What the fuck happened?” I
ask her. She jumps at my accusing tone.
“Lunga, you don’t speak to my wife like that.” I take a
deep breath with my eyes closed.
“I’m sorry. I just want to know what happened.”
“I told you what happened. Ntando was trying to force
himself on my wife.” Nhlakanipho roars. “Do you think
it’s easy for me to think my nephew would do something
like that?”
“Is that what happened?” I refer to Zuki who flinches.
“What the hell, Lunga.” Nhlakanipho comes up from
behind me and aggressively turns my shoulder. I shrug him
off and look at Zuki.
“Is that what happened?” I say louder this time. She drops
her eyes and nods. I briefly close mine. I know it’s a lie. I
don’t know what happened but I know my Ntando would
never. I need to find him.
“I think you should leave.” Nhlakanipho says.
“Do you know where he is?” I ask, not looking at any of
them. I can’t. Not without revealing how much their
actions hurt my soul.
“How the hell should we know!” I turn for the door
without looking at any of them. For the rest of the day, I
have my phone in hand, calling Ntando without any
success. He has shut himself off from everything. It hurts
to know that he didn’t come to me. when his world
crumbled he didn’t trust me to hold him together but still I
need to find him. If only for me to make sure he is okay.
Because that sweet boy doesn’t deserve anymore heart
ache in his life.
Zuki

We both watch Lunga storm out of the house leaving a

chilly trail behind him. He knows. The way he looked at
me just now, waiting for me to deny the accusations. I
couldn’t. I am a horrible person but I can’t. I have been
dreading coming down those stairs to face Nhlakanipho. I
may have been drunk last night but the moment I woke up
images of what I’d done with Ntando came back in colour.
Taunting me. I didn’t know he had seen that, earlier this
morning I had been conflicted, whether to confess or not.
I’d leaned towards keeping it to myself. A drunken
moment that will never happen again. I’d been hoping to
privately speak to Ntando about it, beg him to keep it quiet
and never to be spoken of. But when I overheard
Nhlakanipho’s narration of events, a new treacherous
planned formed. Ntando had never been a fan of this
family. He has nothing to lose. But for me, I stand to lose
everything. My family, the man I love, all over a drunken
moment. I can’t have that. I feel Nhlakanipho’s hands on
my shoulders as he gently turns me to face him.
“I’m sorry baby. I don’t know what Ntando was thinking.”
I can’t hold the pained look in his eyes.
“We were all drunk, baby. He didn’t mean anything by it.”
“How can you be so cool about this. I’m angry at him.” I
shake my head. I don’t want to talk about Ntando. Every
time I think of him, I see the look of hurt and shock on his
face as I eventually stopped mauling him. I cringe thinking
about it and even worse, it’s the sting of the slap that
followed. I didn’t mean it. I was just as shocked as he was
by my actions. I cup Nhlakanipho’s face and search his
eyes.
“Your sight has returned.” His smile is wide and bright.
“Yes, I wanted to tell you last night but you’d already gone
to your room.” He drops his eyes. “I didn’t think I’d be
welcome in there.”
“You know you are welcome; you don’t even have to
asks.” He slides his hands down my arms and takes my
hand in his.
“We need to talk.” I shiver at the seriousness of his tone.
“Where are the kids? Shouldn’t they be up by now?”
“My parents took them with.”
“Good.” He pulls me towards the couch and sits beside
me. “This gives us time. Do you want anything to drink?”
“Coffee would be nice.” I smile at him. He jumps and
hurries to the kitchen.
“I’ve missed doing the simple things for you.” I only smile
at him. My skin feels like it’s going to crawl out of me. I
have been such a horrible wife, not just last night but since
Nhlakanipho’s accident. How can I have spiralled so
badly? “Here.” I look up to find Nhlakanipho with a cup
of coffee before me. Our fingers brush as he passes it to
me. I missed the gentleness between us.
“I feel like God put us through a test these past months
and we’ve failed.” He begins. I shake my head.
“I am the one who failed you Nhlaka.” He frowns.
“How did you fail me?” I place the cup on the coffee table
because my hand is shaking and I fear it will spill all over
me.
“You were injured; I should’ve been patient with you.
Instead I made things about me.”
“I could’ve leaned on you, trusted you to care for me the
way you wanted.” He says. “I was just terrified of what I’d
become and didn’t want to burden you with that.”
“That’s the thing, you were never a burden, you’ll never be
a burden to me.”
“I know.” He looks at this twisting hands. “I’m sorry.”
I place my hand over his, “I’m sorry too, baby.” More than
you know.
“Maybe we should do couple’s therapy.”
“Yeah, I fully support that. Also,” I wince. “You should
continue your therapy with Aza. I was being insecure and
stupid.”
“No. Aza is my friend and it should end there. I heard you
baby and I’m sorry again for putting us in that position. I
need you to feel safe with me, no matter the situation. I’ve
failed at that, but I’ll work hard to make sure that from
now on, your safety in my love for you is a priority.” Tears
burst out of me without warning and he pulls me into his
arm. And for the first time in a while, I feel home. Tell
him, my conscience nudges at me.
“God. I missed you. I missed this.” He tightens his hold
on me and I return the embrace. Not today. Today, we
spend talking, something we haven’t done in a while.
About the kids, about us, about his health, about Bonolo,
even my parents. The only person we don’t talk about is
Ntando.
The following day, I go with him to his doctor’s
appointment. I sit with him through his check-up and
when he receives a clean bill of health I rejoice with him.
He’ll still wear darker shades in the sun for a while until he
adjusts to light. He also need glasses for reading and
computer. After his appointment we attend our first
therapy session together. The first day we don’t do much.
Our therapist, Dr Miller, she comes highly recommended,
only gets to know us a little bit as a couple and what we
hope to achieve out it.
“I want to reconnect to my wife. I also need a space where
I can listen and hear her without being defensive.” That’s
what Nhlakanipho says.
“And you, Mrs Ndlovu?” Dr Miller’s kind eyes turn to me.
“I want to reconnect with him as well. I’m looking for
absolution.” She raises her eyebrows a tiny bit and jots
something in her book.
“Are you a religious person?”
“Yes,” I say.
“Somethings require a spiritual healing, you will both
benefit that way. But you being here is a right start, healthy
marriages require a lot of work. You can never relax and
say all is well. People grow and evolve and as a couple you
need to keep up. That’s where I come in. I understand you
two have been through a traumatic experience, before you
leave, I want to tell you, there is never a right way or wrong
way to deal with it. It’s the aftermath that you have to deal.
You are in the aftermath.” She gives us homework to do
until our next appointment. Each of us must address what
hurt us the most from each other. What were the copying
mechanisms we used? I know mine off the bat, I don’t
even have to research it. It is alcohol. I know a lot of
people will deny that their alcoholics, but I am not. I loved
the buzz and the numbness that it gave me but I can do
without. I don’t crave it.
Week one is awkward as we reintegrate our lives. It feels
like we’ve been apart for a while. Is suppose, emotionally
and mentally, Nhlakanipho and I had disconnected. But
now we are trying. We do things together. Cook, prepare
the kids and have meals together. One thing that had been
a bone of contention between us is the bedroom.
Nhlakanipho has returned. We haven’t had sex but we
hold each other as we sleep, we kiss, we touch a lot. My
body welcomes the intimacy.
One thing that has become a boulder between us is the
silence about Ntando. Two weeks have passed and it has
become clear that he’s disappeared. Nhlakanipho cannot
get hold of him. My guilt won’t allow me to try. It has also
become clear that Nhlakanipho needs to return to work. I
have returned to work and the helper we hired has settled
in.
“Still no answer?” I ask, one Sunday evening after we put
the kids to bed. The following day, will be Nhlakanipho’s
first day back at work. I know without him telling me that
he misses his nephew. I can see the regret for chasing him
away that night.
“It seems its disconnected. I just want to know he is okay.”
He runs his hand over his face. “I may have overreacted
that night. What he did was shitty but I’m his uncle,” he
sighs. “I shouldn’t have done it.” It’s at the tip of my
tongue to confess but I’ve waited this long. We are just
getting back on track, what would be confessing to him
solve.
“We will find him.” I take his hand in mine. “Have you
asked Lunga if he got hold of him.”
“Call me weird but I think he is avoiding my calls. I
haven’t spoken to him since that day he was here.
According to Phaks, one of his associates is dealing with
our work.”
“Oh, that’s strange.” I’m not surprised. I think Lunga had
become protective over Ntando.
“I wonder if he even knows he landed us such a huge
contract.” His whole demeanour is dejected.
“We will find him baby.”
Lunga

Two weeks! Two weeks without a word. Two weeks of

feeling hopeless, lonely and heart sore. It’s like he
disappeared of the face of the world. I suspect he might
have gone to visit his friend in Australia. I would have
asked Daniel to look for him had I known anything other
than the friend’s name. I didn’t even know what Kwanele
did for a living. Some attentive boyfriend I was. I sigh,
regret souring my stomach. I never even claimed him as
mine. Too much of coward to do because it had been clear
since we got together that it was more than sex. So much
more. But now I’ll never get a chance to find out. I miss
him so badly. His absence is like a permanent ache in my
soul.

The traffic to NRD sours my mood further. I hate that

I’ve become this moody person that snaps at everyone.
What I hate more if the fact I have to face Nhlakanipho
today. I’m mad at him and hurt that he’d chase my baby
out of the house without even talking to him. I don’t know
what my friend saw that night but it wasn’t Ntando forcing
himself on Zuki. A trick of the light, maybe or Zuki is
lying. Why would she let Nhlakanipho believe the lie for so
long? Whatever it is, I can’t stand to see them both. But I
have no choice today, my associate that I’d handed over
NRD business has death in the family. So I have to do a
handover with Nhlakanipho. Ntando resigned through
Phaks? Why was he not contacting me?
Walking into Nhlakanipho’s office and seeing him behind
his desk, is jarring. This is where Ntando and I developed
our feelings. I’d sit across from him and watch him enjoy
the food I brought him. His eyes curious and warm. This is
where I first experienced his anxiety attack. A place of
many firsts. I feel a sense of hollowness in my heart as I
close the door behind me.
“Lunga!” I wasn’t expecting you. “I…how are you?”
Nhlakanipho is on his feet now, standing unsure behind
his desk.
“I’m good,” I clip. “I came because my associate couldn’t
make it.” He blinks.
“Why are you mad at me?”
“Why am I?’’ I shake my head and throw my briefcase on
his desk then head for the liquor cabinet and. I pour myself
a shot and gulp it down as he watches.
“You are angry and I don’t know what I did.” I bang the
glass on the table with more force than warranted. It’s a
miracle it doesn’t shatter,
“You.” I point at him. “Chasing Ntando out of your house
in the middle of the night.” He flinches and has the
decency to look shamefaced. “Did you even speak to him?
To find out what happened!”
“I know what I saw.” He mumbles.
“Do you?” I cock my head to the side and look at him.
“Do you really? Because I know Ntando, he wouldn’t.”
“How do you know?” His voice rises. “He was drunk!”
“He wasn’t.” I shake my head. “He didn’t drink.”
“How sure are you about that, he sat on his own half the
time. I know you like the kid and you want to believe
what’s best of him. I love him. But I can’t excuse what he
did.”
“He is not a kid! He is a grown ass man, who looks up to
you! He loves you with all his being and he would never do
anything to hurt you or jeopardise your relationship!”
Nhlakanipho looks alarmed at my vehemence. He
swallows.
“The,” he clears his throat. “If what you saying is true.
That means…” his voice trails.
“That means your wife kissed him and has blamed it on
Ntando all this time.” I always loved Zuki but right now,
this all that makes sense to me and I hate her for it.
Nhlakanipho drops to his chair.
“We are working through our shit. Why would she not
come clean about that?” I hate the defeated tone in his
voice.
“I don’t know. Maybe she is scared of losing you. She was
drunk Nhlakanipho, like piss drunk. Maybe she even
forgot about it.”
“Why are you so sure ngo Zuki and I can’t be sure ngo
Ntando? You weren’t even there.”
“Because I know Ntando.” I sigh. I’m not willing to say
more than that. I outed him before and I’m not about to
do that again. “Do you know where he is?” he shakes his
head.
“His phone is disconnected. I was actually thinking of
going to his place in Cape Town over the weekend.”
“Give me the address, I’ll go today?” He frowns but jots it
down on the piece of paper and gives it to me. “Do you
know his friend? Kwanele I think.”
“Yeah, the doctor in Australia?”
“Do you have his numbers?”
“I’ll forward them to you.” He grabs his phone from the
table and after a few swipes a message comes through in
mine.
“Thanks.” I mutter and grab my briefcase taking out a file
and passing it to him. “This is all that Ntando did. I’m sure
Phaks can fill you in with the rest. Congratulations on your
new contract.” I snap my briefcase closed and head out. I
love Nhlakanipho like a brother but I can’t hide my
bitterness. To say I’m disappointed would be an
understatement.
“Lunga.” I pause before opening the door but I don’t look
at him. “Tell him I love him.”
“You could’ve given him a benefit of the doubt.” I hear
him mumble ‘I know’ before I slam the door shut behind
me. Phaks gives me a nervous smile and waves at me.
The traffic back home isn’t as bad. I book a ticket to Cape
Town on the drive home and when I get home I
haphazardly pack an overnight bag. I grab my passport just
in case Ntando isn’t in Cape Town. I will go to the ends of
the earth to find him and bring his home to me. I board a
midday flight that will get me in Cape Town by late
afternoon. I’ve hired a car just in case. The address
Nhlakanipho gave me, leads to Hout Bay. I don’t enjoy
anything on the road, not the narrow roads or the
picturesque architecture of Cape Town or the scenic view.
My mind is on Ntando. What will I be walking into and
why didn’t he contact me?
I break out of my thoughts when my GPS indicates my
destination on the right. I’ve been driving along a street
lined with double storey clusters, but the one I drive into is
nestled just below a mountain and facing the ocean. The
only snag to my plan, is the security at the gate. They will
not let me in, fortunately the address Nhlakanipho gave me
has a unit number. I wait, biting my fingers as the security
guys tries to get hold of him. My breath whooshes out of
me when the security opens for me. The complex isn’t to
big so it easy enough to find his unit. As I pull up in his
driveway, I find him standing in front of his open double
garage. He is in shorts and simple tee, barefoot. The sight
of his bare legs, does something to my body and I try and
stamp that feeling down. This is not the time for that. He
indicates for me to park next to his car. The garage door
rolls down the moment I put the car to park. He doesn’t
wait for me to exit the car as he leaves me behind. I hurry
after him and catch up to him as he climbs the modern
curving stairs. The house has a weird set up, I see bedroom
on the lower floor so I’m assuming the stairs leads to a
kitchen and living area. It’s a stunning house but I do not
have time to enjoy its beauty. The person I’d been missing
and craving has just disappeared up those stairs. I don’t get
a chance to say anything to him when I reach the top stairs
as my body is suddenly yanked and pushed against the wall
with so much force, I wince at the pain. I don’t have time
to dwell on it as his familiar lips descend on mine. The feel
of him, aggressively taking what he wants is a rush. I only
grab on to him and enjoy the blissful moment. Then he
suddenly let’s go like I’ve burned him. He wipes his lips
with a back of his hand. Disgust and hurt mixed in his
eyes.
“What are you doing here?” he snaps. I’m still trying to
recover from the kiss attack. I blink my eyes focused.
“Hello, baby.” He glares at me and steps back. Only then I
notice the open plan kitchen on one side, the dining room
and the living room that opens out to a balcony with
expansive uninterrupted sea and mountain view. “Damn,
that is a beautiful view,” I say momentary stunned. The
entire top floor has wide windows with stunning views of
either the ocean or the mountain. I glance at him standing
unsure, keeping his distance. “You have a beautiful home.”
“Thank you. Uncle Nhla helped me secure it, I wouldn’t
have been able to afford a place like this even with my
salary.” Something cloudy passes in his eyes. Probably at
the mention of his uncle or maybe he just realised he gave
too much.
“Well it’s beautiful, regardless.” There is another awkward
pause.
“Would you like a drink?”
“Yes, please.” What I would like is to haul him to me and
resume that scotching kiss, strip him naked and sink into
him. I get hard thinking about it. I pull my t-shirt and make
sure it’s over my jeans as I follow him to the kitchen. I
watch him pour something that looks like lemonade with
passionfruit into two ice filled glasses. He passes one to
me. his kitchen is as modern as the rest of the house, with
all appliances in bright colours. There is a splash of colour
everywhere, making it feel light and airy like any beach
home should be. I lean against the kitchen counter and
watch him as he watches me over the rim of his glass.
“You still haven’t told me what you are doing here.”
“You never said goodbye. You just left. Disappeared like
what we had never meant anything to you.” I say with
more force than I have planned. The hurt bleeding
through my words. I gentle place the delicious drink on the
side and watch him as he does the same.
“It didn’t.” Pain slashes through my gut and it takes a
moment to process his words while he glares at me. His
jaw working hard and his chest puffing. I push off the
counter and stalk towards him like he is a prey. My hold at
the back of his neck is probably painful, while my thumb
caresses his jaw.
“You are lying.” I growl against his lips. My other hand on
his waists pulling him to me. I feel him, his cock hard
behind the zipper of his shorts as it presses against mine.
“You wouldn’t be this hard if it didn’t mean anything.” His
nostrils flare.
“It’s nothing but lust.” He sneers. “Inconvenient lust.”
I pull him even closer. His hands on my chest were meant
to push me away but they had my shirt bunched up and
gripped tight. “You are a liar.” I say softer this time. My
eyes searching his. “You love me.” He blinks. “Just as
much as I love you.” He swallows and his body sways
towards mine. Our lips graze each other. Tentative. I want
him so bad, I’m shaking. “I’ve missed you, so much
Ntando.” His eyes rapidly blink and I notice the moisture
that clings to his eyelashes.
“Then why did you sleep with her?” okay I wasn’t
expecting that.
“What?” I tilt my head back.
“The woman, I found in your house practically naked
gloating about how exhausted you were.”
“What woman?” then it comes to me. I close my eyes
briefly. “Candice.” He pushes at my chest.
“Oh you know who it is?” he pushed at my chest now. But
I don’t let go. I tighten my grip on him. “Let me go!”
“Candice is my ex,” I ignore his struggles to be free of me.
Now that I have him in my arms, I’m not letting go. “She
came that night crying about her ex. I couldn’t leave her
outside. I offered her a guest room. And told her I was in
love with my boyfriend who was coming over. Then I
went to bed. Alone.” He searches my eyes. But I’m not
sure if he realises his hands are running over my chest.
“You didn’t?”
“No baby, I didn’t sleep with her. I don’t want to sleep
with anyone but you. For the rest of my life if you let me.”
his face morphs into unadulterated joy and his smile that
rivals the sun light up his face while the tears he has been
clinging to fall drop, just a few not a torrent. Maybe the
one’s he couldn’t hold on to. Who knew there was this soft
side to him? Yes. I did.
Ntando leans forward, then his lips are there, touching
mine, grazing, kissing me softly. It’s nothing more than a
brush of lips together before he pulls back and stares deep
in my eyes, “I love you.” My heart swells in my chest and
threatens to burst. I push into him, my hands sweeping all
over his back, until I have his head cupped and devouring
his lips. He isn’t idle as he returns the kiss with fire that
threatens to blister us into oblivion. I want him, right now,
right here. I slip my hand under the hem of his shorts, and
wrap it around his hot silky hard as a rock muscle. He
groans and pushes into my hand. We are too close; the
angle is awkward it will probably hurt my wrist. I don’t
care, I have him throbbing and smearing my palm with his
precome. Then he is fumbling with the buttons of my
jeans, when his hand finally makes contact with my dick,
violent tremors run through me and I buck into his hand.
Our lips locked, and bodies flushed to together, we jerk
each other as much as can considering our restriction.
Even so, it won’t take me long, I’m already close.
“Jo Ntando, who’s car is…. oh shit!” we both freeze at the
sound of the voice so close behind us. I can feel his wild
pulse on his dick as he throbs in my hand. He gets harder
as our body tense, even if that’s possible. “Sorry.” The
person mumbles and I hear a soft thud of footsteps
retreating. Our harsh breaths between us are the only
sound in the room.
“Who was that?” my heartbeat threatens to burst.
“Kwanele.” He says with a quiver in his voice. I know that
voice. He is on the edge but considering he has a guest; I
unfold from our tight embrace. “No,” he whimpers,
holding me closer. His hand moves inside my pants. “Need
you.” His breathing is harsh.
“But, your…” he shut me up with his lips. His kiss is
desperate and clumsily. I get the picture; I resume tugging
at his cock.
“Yes, god, yes baby. I’m gonna come. Make me come.”
His voice is in low octave and his chest vibrates against
mine as he speaks, or letting out the nonsensical sounds. I
stroke him faster as he fucks into my hand, I push into his.
It reminds me of my school days where I would have
stolen desperate moments with boys behind the school
stadium stands. The difference here is that, I’m deliriously
happy and we are in my boyfriend’s living room and his
friend is a few feet away probably dying of embarrassment.
“You feel so good.” I mumble. My orgasm is approaching,
and not even an act of God can stop it. “Need to be inside
you.”
“Later.” He groans as his body tenses then I feel the warm
liquid spurting into my hand. He bits my shoulder to stop
himself from screaming, I latch my kiss on the side of his
neck as my own climax rips through me with enough
force, my knees buckle.
“Do you think your friend head that?” I lean my forehead
against his.
“I hope not.” We burst out laughing not because we are
being funny but we are riding the euphoria of our
happiness. Pure bliss. I kiss him, pulling my messy hand
out of him. I use the inside of my t-shirt to wipe the mess
off. He pulls his hand out and I feel the loss of his touch
but I grab his wrist and wipe him off too. “Let me go get
Kwani, so I can introduce you.”
“Not yet, can we perhaps go to your bedroom and resume
this. A quick romp against this wall is nowhere enough to
quench my need.” His breath hitches as his eyes darken.
“I’d love that.” His voice is a low purr.
“Lead the way, baby.” He clutches my hand in his and
leads me down the stairs. One-bedroom door is closed;
I’m assuming it’s Kwanele’s. Ntando leads me to the one
on the left, it occupies the one side of the house while the
other side had two bedrooms. We walk into a small
heaven, that’s the only way I can describe his bedroom. It’s
a large room, making the king-size bed in the centre look
small. The bed is low and looks comfortable. But what
draws my interest is the wide sliding door that opens to the
view of the ocean. It’s so close, I can taste the saltiness in
the air and hear the crushing waves. The lace curtains
bellows with the sea breeze. there is another sliding door
on the other side and it opens to the back park of the
house. It makes the house almost seem like it’s built out of
glass.
“I love this place.” I say, pulling Ntando into me.
“I love you.” He seals his lip on mine as my breath catches.
How did I get this lucky?
It’s almost evening when we untangle our sticky bodies
and crawl out of bed. If it weren’t for my grumbling
tummy, I’ would have remained in bed.
“Would you like to go out for dinner?” Ntando asks as he
spreads shower gel on my chest. I realise in our short
relationship we didn’t go out much. “There is this place I
love, and I’d love to take you to.”
“Lead the way, baby.” He smiles.
“I love it when you call me baby.”
“You graduated from kid to baby.” He laughs.
“I prefer baby.” He looks up at me and my hearts stutters.
Will I ever get used to the fire in his eyes? The way they
capture my soul with just a simple look? “You don’t mind
if Kwani comes along.” I run my soapy hands over his
shoulder.
“No, baby. It will allow me time to get to know him.”
“Good.” He leans forward and kisses me. I’m drunk on his
kisses by the time we leave his bedroom. We find Kwanele
sitting in the lounge, a remote in hand surfing through
sports channels. He barely glances at us before his eyes
return to the TV. Ntando pulls me inside until we are
sitting on a two seater besides Kwanele.
“You have to look at us at some point.” Ntando says,
trying hard to contain his smile. I love that he looks and
feels lighter. He is giddy. He is as much as any young man
in his prime should be. Carefree! Like I do, that’s what he
has done for me too. So this giddiness goes both ways.
Kwanele purses his lips to the side.
“No. I do not have to.” His voice is deeper with that
private school twang.
“This is Lunga.” Ntando says, Kwanele’s demeanour
changes as he whips his head to us.
“The asshole!”
“Ouch.” I say as Ntando groans.
“It turns out he isn’t one after all.” Kwanele glares at me.
“I’ll bet.” He sneers.
Ntando sighs, “Look there was a misunderstanding we
sorted it out.” Ntando glares back at him.
“I’d be defensive over my friend too if someone had
treated him like you thought I did.” I’ll become the mature
voice that I am. The ice doesn’t entirely thaw but he does
give me a brief smile. “It’s good to meet you. Ntando talks
about you, a lot.” I sprinkle the truth with lies. And it
works Kwanele’s smile becomes more genuine.
“He talked about you, a lot.” He drags the ‘lot’. “It’s good
to meet you and I’m glad you two are good.” I can see
Ntando’s shoulders visible relax.
“We were thinking of going out for dinner and we would
like it if you joined us.” Ntando asks.
“Oh sure, let me go change.” He bounces of leaving
Ntando and I alone. He turns to me, my hand still clutched
in his,
“That went well.” He says beaming.
“Of course it did.” we both chuckle. “Your friend is so
private school.” He rolls his eyes and I find the move cute,
so unlike him.
“Like you are any different. You are just like the boys at
Queenstown High, the difference with you, maybe more
old school. How did you and my uncle meet? Or even
become friends?” the moment he mentions his uncle,
something shifts in his demeanour, a cloud of sadness
loom over him.
“Uni.” I place my palm on his jaw. “Listen, I spoke to your
uncle. He is the one that gave me your address.”
He shrugs, “I wondered about that.”
“He has been trying to call you.” Pain slashes in his eyes.
“Baby, he told me to tell you, he loves you.”
“Yeah, he just thinks I’m shitty to make a move on his
wife.” He pulls away from me. “You don’t think I did, do
you?” his eyes are fiery as they look back at me.
“No! Not even for a second. I suspect what happened but
I’d like to hear from you.”
“She was drunk, baby.” His voice cracks. “I don’t think
she knew what she was doing until it was done. I tried
pushing her of me but I was too slow to react and then she
was slapping me, telling me to stay away from her. It
happened so fast. Then I walked back into the house to
find my shocked uncle. I don’t know what he saw but he
was chasing me out. I was just too stunned I couldn’t even
defend myself. Then I found a woman at your place,
claiming she had just exhausted you with sex. It was a lot
to take in. I didn’t belong anywhere. So I left.” My heart,
cracked open at his last words.
“You belong to me, Ntando. I cup his face making him
look at me. “Just like I belong to you.” His bright eyes
search mine and he nods. “I know Nhlakanipho knows it
wasn’t your fault. He has been trying to call you but the
two have so much to deal with, maybe they need time.” He
nods again.
“It hurts, you know. I understand where he comes from
but it still hurts” I pull him to me and squeeze my arms
around him.
“I guess you need another moment!” Kwanele’s voice
breaks us apart.
“No,” Ntando rises and I follow suit. “We are ready.” I
pull my t-shirt over my tented jeans and Ntando discretely
does the same.
“You two are making me feel so single.” Kwanele says as
he climbs down the stairs, we follow him.
Ntando

I spend a week with Lunga. A week full of bliss. Kwanele

returned to Australia two days after Lunga arrived leaving
us alone to do whatever we pleased and we’ve been doing
exactly that. I was fortunate enough to get my job back and
I’d be resuming work the following week. Lunga took time
off so that we could spend some time together, nurturing
this budding new love, reconnect and cherish the time in
the bubble. We spend most of our time exploring our
bodies until either of us can move. I’m insatiable. And
Lunga is just as eager to please. I feel his love in every way
possible, the way he looks at me, when he speaks to me,
how he touches me and above all when he tells me, I feel it
in my soul. I love him just as much. Sometimes I feel I
don’t do enough to show him how I feel. I want to cut
myself open and lay at his feet for him. He is what I think
of first when I wake up and he is what I think off at night
before I drift off to sleep. I don’t know how I coped
without him the past weeks and I don’t know how I will
manage when life calls to us. But I’m determined to make
it work.
Once we wake up from sex, or sex slumber, we go for a
walk or a swim at the beach. I’ve never appreciated this
place more than now, when I can do all the things I felt
awkward doing alone. He still feeds me, breakfast, lunch
and I always take him out for dinner. We explore the
natural sites by day and by evening the night life calls to us.
I’m living on a high. Late nights we fall into bed and I fall
asleep sated, sore in places and with a smile on my face. I
don’t dream anymore. Even if I do, I don’t remember.
They don’t wake me up in fits of anguish. It’s like I carried
the weight of the world for the past ten years and now it
has been lifted off.
“I’m going to miss this place.” Lunga brings me out of my
thoughts. It’s our last night together. Tomorrow I’m taking
my first flight to Joburg and he’ll be on the same flight. I’ll
spend a night at his place there after I have a five-day
international flight. Right now, we are sitting side by side at
my favourite restaurant, floating in the ocean, and we are
watching the glorious sunset in shades of orange as it lays
on the edge of the ocean.
“We need to plan our time.” I say, it gives me a little
anxiety when I have to think of our time apart. Order and
structure settles me.
“Yeah,” he leans forward and loops our fingers together.
“When you are away this week it will allow me time to do
physical meetings in Joburg. Depending on your schedule.
We will fly back here spend a week, I can do virtual
meeting and such.”
“I always have four days off after an international trip.” I
say running my thumb over his knuckles.
“During domestic flight, you spend time with me. it’s
closer to your work place anyway. And when you are off
we will spend time here.”
“You won’t get tired of the back and forth?”
He clasps my hand with both his, “Baby, as long as I’m
with you nothing else matters. Besides, it’s my law firm.
I’ve been thinking about cutting back on some work.
Delegating more. The work hard and play hard motto is
getting old.” He shrugs. “I’m okay financially and I’ve
established a solid team. You on the other hand are just
getting started on your career and I don’t want our
relationship to get in the way of that.” My heart expands in
my chest.
“I love you, you know that?”
“Of course, who wouldn’t love me?” he smirks. Then he
becomes serious. “Have you spoken to your uncle?” I
shake my head. “I think maybe face to face is better.” I
have been processing my uncle’s reaction and to be honest
if the hurt I felt when a woman I didn’t know told me he
slept with Lunga, I can’t imagine how my uncle felt. I don’t
blame him. Did it hurt? Yes, it did. Now Zukiswa on the
other hand, I don’t understand her actions, unless she also
doesn’t remember what happens. But whatever it is, I’ve
let it go. They are family and they have bigger issues to deal
with.
“How about we get out of here, I take you home. Once
there,” his voice drops and shiver travel up and down my
spine. “I take you to our bedroom’s balcony, strip you
naked and you sit on me, riding me as we listen to the
crashing sound of the waves.” My breathing has
quickened. I nod, he jumps to his feet, dragging me with.
“Let’s get out here.”
Lunga

“Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon.” I shiver as his

unexpected voice comes through the aircraft’s intercom.
I’m sitting alone in a two seater in business class but I do
look at the passenger across the aisle from me, tempted to
tell them that’s my man flying us. “Welcome on board flight
AZ 272 to OR Tambo International. This is Co-pilot Ntando
Ndlovu speaking, in charge is Captain Duplessis. Our flight time
today will be two hours and our estimated time of arrival in
Johannesburg is 14h00 local time. The temperature at our
destination is now 30 degrees Celsius, with clear sky. We wish you a
pleasant flight and we hope to see you again soon. On behalf of all
our crew, thank you for choosing Azanian Air as your airline
today.” The intercom shuts off, so professional, that’s my
baby. My chest puffs with so much pride, I struggle to
contain it. I sigh and pull out my phone trying hard to
concentrate as I open the barrage of emails from my PA.
“Mr. Poswa,” I look up to find an air hostess smiling down
at me with a champagne flute, half filled in a tiny tray.
“Yes?” I usually get a lot of flight staff trying to discreetly
flirt with me. Had it been before, Ntando and I got
together, I would definitely fight back. Right now I give
what I hope is a polite smile.
“This is for you curtesy of the Co-pilot.” She hands me the
delicate glass with a knowing smile.
“Thank you,” I squint to her name tag. “Ruth.” I can’t
contain my smile as I sip the tangy drink. He makes the
announcements throughout the flight, when we about to
experience turbulence, urging us to fasten our seatbelt and
then when we are about to land. My body hums in
excitement as the aircrafts drops further down into
landing. I haven’t seen him in almost four hours and it
feels like an eternity. Before we disembark he is the one
who steps out to see the passengers off. And since I’m
sitting upfront, I get an uninterrupted view of him. He
looks amazing in his pilot uniform. I already have images
of me peeling it off him later on. He stands proud by the
door next the hostess and his eyes are glued to me. I drag
my luggage and walk towards the exit. I first smile at the
airhostess who can’t really conceal the smile on her face
then I walk up close to Ntando, close enough to smell his
intoxicating scent. I can see his pulse rapidly pounding just
beneath the collar of his shirt.
“Office Ndlovu.” I drawl. “It was a great ride.” He smiles
and winks at me.
“I’ll see you in a few.” I graze his hand with mine as I walk
pass him, exiting the aircraft.
Since I don’t have luggage to claim, I wait for him outside
the airport building where the crew bus will be picking
them up. He told me usually it drops them off at head
office where they’d pick up their cars but since his
travelling home with me he doesn’t have to go to head
office.
“It was so cool to hear you over the intercom.” I grab his
hand and thread our fingers together as I navigate the
afternoon traffic home.
“It’s my job, babe. Actually it’s usually the captain’s job but
today he let me do it.” His smile is downright cute.
“It worked, baby. I was impressed.” His shyness makes me
laugh. “Should we get food before we get home, I’m not
sure what I have at home to cook.”
“We can order at home; I’d really like to get out of my
uniform.” I squeeze his hand. He glances at me, his eyes
searching.
“You said home. I love that.”
“Where you are is my home.” Our eyes lock for a second
before I get mine back on the road.
“I feel the same way.” My voice is scratchy.
When we get home I keep the promise I made to myself.
Peeling off his uniform. I take pleasure in the little sounds
he makes. I wallow his gasps and trace his sweat with my
tongue. By the time I have in bed his pliant in my hands,
his entire body is trembling with need.
“Lunga… baby…please.”
“Do you want to fuck me?” I ask, with my body blanketing
his. Our cocks slot together, throbbing. He blinks.
“Right now?” his voice is strained.
“Yes,” I want to try it with him.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” His eyes plead with mine.
“You won’t.”
He fumbles with the lube and his handshakes as he squirts
some on his fingers. He fumbles with the crack of my ass
until he is circling my hole. He siting on his legs between
my thighs, concentrating so hard on what he is doing.
“Ntando,” he pulls his hand out as his eyes fly to me.
“Did I hurt you?”
“No.” I smile. “You are barely in, come here.” He lowers
himself to me. “Keep your finger where it is.” He does. I
reach for his lips and distract him with a kiss. Eventually
he has a finger inside of me and then another one. His
moves are gently and tentative but with the three fingers in
me, he gets bolder. He opens me up with purpose as he
kisses me. He takes his time until I beg him to take me. I’m
anxious to get to it. Then his blunt head is pushing at my
entrance. I wince at the intrusion. Ntando isn’t small or
average either so I feel him as he stretches me. I close my
eyes against the burn and will myself to relax.
“I’m hurting you.” He pulls out his face cradling my face. I
grab his ass and keep him in place.
“No, don’t. Just give me a moment.” He kisses me deep
before he pulls completely out. My hard on has deflated.
“Baby, I also don’t like the grip on my dick. How do you
stand it?” I laugh.
“It’s the best part, also knowing I’m pegging your prostate
every time I’m inside you are amazing.”
“I think we know what each of us likes, why don’t we stick
to that.” He pulls out the condom and toss to the side. He
begins kissing me with earnest now. His hands clawing my
chest. He travels lower until he sucks me into his wet heat
of his mouth. Then his finger is inside of me searching. He
grazes the holy grail and my ass flies off the mattress
logging my cock in his throat as I groan. He gags and I pull
out.
“I’m sorry.” I mutter.
“So you like your ass played with but not fucked?” he
teases his voice scratchy.
“Yeah.” I pant. He smirks and his hand wraps around my
cock, smearing lube on it. Before I can even focus, he is
lowering himself on me. His hole already opened. “How?”
“I have my moments.” Then there is no talking as he
begins a slow ride that build the crescendo unit he is
fucking me in earnest. Our groans and moans fill the
room. With the sound of skin against skin until we
explode, our bodies locked together.
“Will you go to the meeting with me tonight?” he asks
over a rim of his glass of wine. We just finished our late
lunch early dinner. My body is still buzzing from earlier
romp in bed.
“The grief counseling?” he nods. “Of course baby. Have
attended any since you left.” He shakes his head and sets
his glass of wine on the table.
“Once, I tried a Cape Town one. It didn’t feel comfortable.
I’ve spoken to Nancy a couple of times over the phone
though.”
“You can do that?”
“Sort of emergency situations, when you can’t have
attended physical meeting for some time. I didn’t want
them to think I bailed so I called and she told me I could
chat with her if I wanted to.” He shrugs as if being able to
open to strangers was a simple thing. He is damn brave for
doing it and I’m happy that has taken this step and
committing to it.
“Then we might need a shower then.” I pick up our plates
and clear the table with his help. “What should we bring? I
didn’t prepare anything.”
He wraps his arms around me from behind. “You don’t
have to bring something all the time.”
“I know baby, but I want to.”
“If we are quick we can go pass the shops and get
something.” We quickly rinse the dishes and load them on
the dishwasher and we take a quick shower. I get a tray of
sliced carrot cake from a nearest supermarket and then we
head to the center.
Zuki

“Baby, we need to talk.” The weight of Nhlakanipho’s

words settles on me. I’ve know he was I wake for a while
but I wanted to luxuriate in the safety and warmth of his
hands for a while. We’ve been connecting so well. Couples
therapy was helping. There were so many things that we
didn’t deal with in our marriage for years leading up to the
accidents. Things we didn’t think they matters and swept
them under the carpet. What we’ve learned the past
month, is that nothing is ever too small, if it irks you deal
with it. But something has been gnawing at me, we
couldn’t move forward until I came clean. I turn around
and face him and the pained look on his face tells me all I
need to know. I sit up against the headboard and he does
the same. He places his hand between us, with his palm
up. I look at him and he gives me a reassuring smile. I
place my palm on his and he clutches my hand.
“I love you. And there is nothing that will make me stop.”
He says and my heart crack open. Tears burn my eyes.
“You know?” I croak.
“Tell me.” He urges. His hold on me tightening, his tone
soft.
“The night of your party.” I clear my throat. My heart is
strangling me in my throat. Is this the day I lose my
husband, my love? I can’t bear it. “I kissed Ntando.” My
voice brakes and my breathing is restricted. “It was me. I
kissed him. I don’t know why. Maybe I was just too sad,
too broken. I needed someone to touch me.” My throat is
raw. I swallow. I can’t look at him “He… he… pushed me
away.” Tears come. “He did, baby and when I realised
what I was doing, out of horror, I slapped him. I’m so
sorry.” A sob breaks out. He tugs at my hand and pulls me
to his lap. His solid arms come around my waist and he
hold me to him. He holds me as my heart shutters and
then he holds me as I compose myself, trying to put the
pieces together. When I’ve calmed down I pull back and
chance a look at him. His kind eyes look back at me.
“Do you feel better?” he asks. I frown.
“Are you not mad?”
He sighs. “I was at first when I suspected what had
happened but then I also remember where we in our
marriage that time. I’m as much to blame for your state of
mind as you are. I didn’t keep your heart safe when you
needed it the most.” The damn breaks again and my tears
resume. I cup his face with my trembling hands.
“I’m sorry baby. It didn’t mean anything, and I hurt you
and I also hurt Ntando. I’m so ashamed.”
“I know you are, that’s why it needs to stop. I’ve seen your
anguish; you can’t hide it from me. We need to find
Ntando and we need to apologise and then we never ever
go back there. We have been given a fresh start baby. At
life, at being lovers and at being parents. We are parenting
four kids, Ntando, Bonolo, Lisakhanya and Azaphe. We
must never lose focus of that, never again.” I nod.
“I promise; I’ll work on myself too baby. I’ll be a better
wife. I love you.”
“You are a great wife, I’m not a perfect husband either,
baby. I love you.” I lean forward and out lips touch and
our bodies reacquaint with each other until we are
breathing the same air and moving in the same rhythm.
His eyes never left mine and I know without a doubt in my
heart the storm has passed.
“His phone is still disconnected?” I ask seeing the defeated
hunch in Nhlaka, after dialing Ntando’s number. It’s after
dinner, the kids have gone to bed, even the helper has
retired for the day. I’ve watched him over the past weeks
wrestling with his conscience over Ntando and I’d been
riddled with my own guilt. How far would you go to keep
what you love? Clearly I would go to the extremes. I’m not
proud of what I’ve done. The perpetual ulcer I have is
testament to that. I would never have believed myself to be
capable of such defeat had you told me months ago. It
makes me wonder if I do deserve this wonderful man, his
love and his forgiveness. Because I’m battling to forgive
myself. “Have you tried Lunga?”
“Do you think he found him?” the hope in his voice guts
me.
“Only one way to find out, if not, then tomorrow we need
to take a trip to Cape Town.”
“I was hoping to give Ntando the time he needed but I
think it’s enough now. If we don’t fix this the rift will be
too wide to put back.”
“Call Lunga.” He takes a deep breath and dials. I grab his
hand and wait. Once Lunga answers he puts it on speaker
and places it on the table. It sounds like he is driving.
“Hey bro”
“Hey Lunga.” Comes the subdued response from
Nhlakanipho.
“Whasup”
“Did you find Ntando?” there is an audible sigh from the
phone, and then a pause.
“Hi Malume.” I can’t contain my gasp. Pain slashes through
my abdomen and shame fills my heart.
“Ntando.” Nhlakanipho croaks. He swallows. “Where are
you?”
“In Joburg, at Lunga’s.” We both look at each other.
“Can we come over to see you?” Nhlakanipho recovers
first. There a slight pause.
“Sure, we will be home in about ten minutes.” He hangs up.
“Home.” Nhlakanipho absently mumbles as he watches
the phone screen. I grip his arm.
“Let’s go make things right with him.”
“Yeah.” We make sure the kids are alright and inform the
aunty we are going out. The drive to Lunga’s house is
silent with each of us lost in our thoughts. Lunga meets us
at the door, his face looking grim.
“Nhlakanipho, Zukiswa.” He greets with his hands firmly
in his pants pocket. He looks like a bear protecting his cub.
“Can we come in?” He glances between the two of us and
then he steps aside to allow us in. I’ve been here a lot of
times and I love how calming it is but today, you can cut
the tension with a knife. Ntando is sitting in the lounge
when we walk in but he gets on his feet, looking unsure.
Nhlakanipho is just as unsure as he approaches him. I trail
behind him with a lump in my throat.
“Mtshana.” There is so much hope in carried in that one
word.
“Malume, sis Zuki.” His eyes don’t quiet meet mine.
“Would you like anything to drink?” Lunga asks from
behind us.
“No thank you.” We both mumble. The politeness and the
skirting around with friends is grating.
“Take a sit.” Lunga offers and we sit on a couch opposite
Ntando. Lunga moves to sit beside him and wo our shock,
he pulls Ntando’s hand in his. I think both Nhlakanipho
and I zero in on their clasped hands and then we glance at
each other. We blink and try to organize our though. At
least I am. If this is what I think this is, you could’ve blown
me away with a feather. My eyes rise to theirs, hard glares,
dares us to say anything untoward.
“Um, so you two are…” Nhlakanipho stutters, I have
never heard my husband at a loss for words. I’m still
processing.
“Not that I owe any explanation unlace,” Nhlakanipho
winces. “But yes, Lunga and I are seeing each other. We
have been for a while now.” Nhlakanipho glares at Lunga.
“I was going to tell you when Ntando was okay with it.” At
least he has the decency to look contrite.
“You are my best friend; he is my nephew! I didn’t even
know you were into men! How long have you been lusting
after my nephew!”
“Whoa! You make it sounds so dirty?” Lunga’s voice loses
the contriteness.
“Because it’s creepy! You’ve known him since he was a
10!” I tighten my hold on him willing him to shut up.
“Uncle Nhla, I’m not a child and you are out of line. If that
what you came here to do, then leave.” I’ve heard Ntando
being shot and dismissive with me but I’ve never heard
him speak with so much authority. I shiver in my seat.
“I don’t want to him to take advantage of you!” he turns to
Lunga. “How could you do this to me, to us, our
friendship and our family?”
“I love him, Nhlakanipho.” Lunga softly says. And I watch
Nhlakanipho opens his mouth and close it. “I know we
blindsided you with this, but I was going to tell you as my
best friend. Not looking for approval but out of respect.”
Nhlakanipho’s eyes softens and he looks at his nephew.
“I love him too, Uncle. He is my person.” I stifle my tears
as they burn my eyes.
“Well, what can I say to that.” Nhlakanipho says in a gruff
tone. “You deserve all the love you can get Ntando.”
“Congratulations you too.” I say and Ntando gives me a
small smile. “It’s great news. I can see how happy you two
are but we are not here for that.” I take a deep breath.
“Ntando, I’m sorry about what I did to you the other
night. I don’t have excuse for it. I can promise you I’m
working on my issues. It wasn’t about you and I’m truly
ashamed of my behavior towards you.” Ntando swallows.
“Apology accepted, aunty.” I nod. I hate his easy
acceptance of my apology. I feel like I deserve more
punishment. But Ntando was never one to be unkind.
Moody, yes.
“I am sorry too Ntando.” Nhlakanipho clears his throat.
“I’ve loved you since you were born. You are my family,
My blood, my first son. You always have a home with me.
I should never have chased you out of the house.”
“I understand Uncle Nhla.” He smiles, a genuine smile
since we came in then his eyes turn to Lunga and his smiles
turns bigger and softer. Why didn’t I see this heat between
them? My goodness the way they look at each other could
melt a glacier.
“How are things with you?” Nhlakanipho asks more
relaxed than I’ve seen him in a while. Lunga offers tea and
we all accept as we catch up with Ntando. We are even
more surprise at how serious their relationship is when we
find out they have moved in in each other’s home. A lot
has happened while we were wallowing in our own misery.
My heart feels slighter now that we’ve gotten to the other
side barely unscathed. The burns of the journey will heal
over time and we will always be the family that we are,
bruised, human but above all, we love each other.
Epilogue

Six Months later

Ntando

“Hello mama.” I run my hand over the surface of the

granite head. Lynnette Ndlovu Beloved mother and sister. I
haven’t been here since the funeral. I don’t remember
much from that day. I had been haunted by the last images
of her to see anything else. Her grave is beautiful if one can
really say that about a grave. Dignified. My uncle has taken
really good care of it. I remember when he had the
tombstone done, just after his first salary, he’d asked me
what I wanted. I told him to do whatever he thought was
best. Seeing my mother’s grave would be the nail in the
coffin.
“I haven’t been here in a while.” I look around the surface
of the tombstone. There is a vase with wilting flowers but
they still look fresh. I glance over my shoulder and wave
Lunga over. He is standing at a respectable distance to give
me some time but I want him close to me. He moves to sit
behind me, his hands holding me to him. He is a solid
presence. “I’m here now. I feel much better, I think. I
finally made peace with your passing. You’d think I would
have done this a long time ago but I refuse to believe you
were gone.” I place my hand just near the headstone. “It
hurt too much. Knowing that I can never see your smile
again. Feel your arms around me and hear your soothing
voice. I don’t think I can never heal from that. But I’ve
learned to live with it. To remember the good times.” I
sigh and Lunga’s hold on me tightens. I feel his comforting
breath over my shoulder. “You didn’t leave me alone
though. Your brother has been wonderful. More than an
uncle. He has done his best to make sure I’m okay. Has
provided for me, and made sure I achieved my dreams. He
has given me a family, cousins.” I chuckle. “You’d love
them. And the most amazing thing has happened. Through
him, I have met the most amazing human. The love of my
life.” I glance over at Lunga. His glistening gaze hold mine
until I look back down. “He is gorgeous for one.” Lunga’s
soft laughs teases my senses. “He takes care of me mama. I
do not want for anything. When I’m with him I feel whole.
And best of all, he loves me. I know you would have loved
him too.” I take a deep breath. “With him I feel alive, my
once gloomy world is now filled with all the colours of the
rainbow. Where you were my end he is my beginning.
Which is why I brought him here today. To make sure that
you are part of our beginning.” I turn to face Lunga, my
hand sliding into my jacket pocket for the rectangular box
that has been burning a hole for weeks now. I pull it out
with my heart in my throat. I drag my gaze to his eyes,
then open the box. It might be weird to be proposing at a
grave site but I want this place to represent life, rebirth, for
me.
“Lunga Poswa, I don’t want to go through this life without
being tied to you. In every way baby. Will you do me the
and say yes.” He has been smiling like crazy then he
cradles my face with his shaking hands.
“My brave baby,” he gives me a quick kiss. “Yes. Yes.
Yes.” Then my lips are clinging to his, savoring this joy
that’s threatening to burst my chest. He pulls back. “I
wasn’t going to do this here, I had a whole thing prepared
for when we got home.” He pulls out a ring from his
pocket pants, it’s a beautiful platinum ring dotted with little
stud diamonds. His is plain platinum. “What do you say
baby?” he looks at me expectantly. I take his hand and
slide my ring in his left hand and he slides his in mine.
Perfect fit.
“Yes.” I say and he pulls me in a tight hug. I don’t think
my body is capable of containing the joy I feel.
“Let’s go home.” He says. I take one look at my mother’s
grave. It doesn’t look as haunted as I always built it to be in
my head. We walk side by side our hands linked. He opens
the passenger door for me and tugs me to him, sliding his
hands down my back
“How are you feeling?” he asks, his eyes searching mine.
“Happy,” I say.
“Good.” We kiss. I smile all the way to his parent’s house.
Where his family and my family are waiting to have one of
our many Sunday lunches together.
The End