F EBRUA RY 14, 20 15

10 Questions on
Dating with
Matt Chandler

Article by Tony Reinke

Senior writer, desiringGod.org

Matt Chandler is a husband, father, lead

pastor at The Village Church in Dallas, and
author of several books, including The
Mingling of Souls: God’s Design for Love,
Marriage, Sex, and Redemption.

Matt was our recent guest on the Ask

Pastor John podcast and answered ten
questions on singleness and dating.

We get a lot of questions from young

Christian men and women who are “not
yet married.” Their season of life awakens
many desires and hopes, uncertainties and
insecurities, and tricky pastoral questions.

To help find the right questions, we called

on three not-yet-married friends who
gave some time to thinking about the
challenges faced by singles: Lore
Ferguson, Paul Maxwell, and the recently
engaged Marshall Segal. We ended up with
these questions:

1. Is My Boyfriend (or Girlfriend) Godly

Enough?
2. Is There “Too Fast” in Christian
Dating?
3. Has Facebook Ruined Dating?
4. Should My Church Help Me Get
Married?
5. Should I Date a Godly Girl I Do Not
Find Attractive?
6. Should a Boyfriend “Lead” His
Girlfriend?
7. Keys to Sexual Purity in Dating
8. When Should a Single Stop Dating?
9. Dating and Marriage for the Victims of
Past Abuse
10. What Hope Does God Offer Lonely
Singles?

What follows is an edited transcript of the

full conversation with Chandler. Feel free
to browse for the relevant questions to
your life.

Question 1: Is My Boyfriend
(or Girlfriend) Godly
Enough?
The Bible commands Christians to marry
“in the Lord,” that is, to marry other
Christians (1 Corinthians 7:39; 2
Corinthians 6:14). But in a day when so
much nominalism passes for authentic
maturity, give us a few simple marks of
spiritual growth that a man or woman
should be looking for in a potential
spouse.

I think what you are looking for is

seriousness about growth in the person’s
faith. And so I think the church really
serves and helps Christian singles
consider marriage and consider dating.
Within the covenant community of faith,
there should be those around a person
that can speak of their reputation and
whether they are serious about growing in
the Lord and putting sin to death in their
life. And that’s what you are looking for.
Is there seriousness in this person to grow
in their relationship and understanding
with the Lord?

Because what I have tragically found is

that Christian singles hit an area of
desperation, particularly young women,
and they will go: “Yeah, he is a Christian,
he comes to church.” And really what
they’re saying is this guy comes to church
a couple of times a month, but outside of
attending a service, he doesn’t have a real
seriousness about growing in his
understanding of the Lord, growing in his
understanding of the Bible, being a
prayerful person, no vivication or
mortification that can be spotted, and no
one who really knows them enough to
speak to the growth in their character.

Now practically speaking, this means

singles are seeking out people to speak
into their lives. They are being discipled,
whether that be organizationally or
organically, whether they are part of a
church’s system for discipleship or they
just found an older man or an older
woman and invited that person to speak
into their lives. And I think those pieces
are a much safer gauge than whether they
highlight passages in their Bible and show
up to service every week.

Question 2: Is There “Too

Fast” in Christian Dating?
Is there such a thing as “too fast” in
Christian dating? How do you know if a
dating relationship is moving too quickly
emotionally, or too quickly toward
marriage?

I am going to be real cautious about

saying there is such a thing as “too fast.”
What I would rather ask is this: What’s
driving the speed? If mere physical
attraction or some kind of emotive, frilly,
this-is-the-one weirdness is driving the
speed, then, yes. If the relationship is
outpacing knowledge of character,
reputation, and knowledge of godliness,
then that is way too quick.

“Godliness is sexy to
godly people.”

But if you are in a context in which you

have watched the person’s godliness, you
have marveled at their character, you have
rejoiced in what God has done in them and
through them, then speed isn’t a big
factor.

We have a staff person here who met and

married her husband in a matter of
months. She had watched him do ministry
at The Village. She knew his reputation.
What drove the speed wasn’t a flare-up of
emotions — it wasn’t a fear of loneliness,
or desperation, like maybe this is my only
shot. None of that. Rather, there was
knowledge of his faithfulness to God, his
desire to serve the Lord, and his
seriousness about the things of God.

I hardly knew they were dating before

they were engaged.

Question 3: Has Facebook

Ruined Dating?
In your experience, in what ways has
technology changed the way young
people date today? Do these trends
encourage or concern you?

If we are talking about a young man and a

young woman who are actively dating,
who have defined their relationship, and
who know they are in a growing and
committed relationship with one another,
then I think technology creates an avenue
to encourage one another and to connect
more frequently. So, in that way, I’m
encouraged by what technology has to
offer.

If, though, we are saying that technology

has changed the game in regards to how
single young men and women approach
one another, before that relationship is
defined, then I have a lot of concern about
technology.

The ability to text or to tweet or to just

write on someone’s wall enables you to
flirt and tease without there ever being a
“what-exactly-is-this-relationship”
moment. And so, in that regard, when you
have not established what the relationship
is, I think it can be hurtful to constantly
be involved in the technological realm,
rather than the face-to-face realm.

So, if I think about my daughters, to have

a young man constantly texting them and
constantly engaging them on social media
without any real clear “I’m pursuing
you,” any real clear desire to want to
establish a shared knowledge of this
relationship, I have concerns.

I see a lot of our young women at The

Village Church get teased by guys who
simply “like” every Facebook post of
theirs, or constantly text the young
woman, without ever having defined the
relationship.

Question 4: Should My
Church Help Me Get
Married?
What can members of local churches
practically do to help godly marriages
happen, instead of just telling men, “Man
up and get your life together,” and telling
women, “Stop waiting around and be
active in your singleness?” What role
should the church community play in
deciding who and when to marry? Any
advice for inviting others into a
relationship to that end?

I love this question because I’m such a big

believer in what God has called the
covenant community of his people to be in
a local context. I think the way that local
churches can practically help godly
marriages happen outside of telling single
men to “man up” and telling single
women to “stop waiting around to be
active in your single life” — though I do
think there is a space for telling single
men and women this. . . .

But I think what we want to do is work

really hard in our churches to create a
culture of discipleship. In this culture, the
norm, the air we breathe, is that older
men are serious about seeking out
younger men to train them; not just train
them in the Bible, but really train them in
what it looks like to apply the Scriptures
to their lives. What does it look like to
serve, love, and encourage your wife?
What does it look like to romance her?
What does it look like to be a man of God
in relation to your wife?

Personally, I try to do this by having

single men into our home. Lauren will
almost always cook the meal. I will help
set the table, and then afterwards that
young man gets to help me do the dishes.
And that is just my way of going: “Hey,
this is a way that I serve my wife.” And
then, while we do dishes, I tend to just
talk about the ways that I try to make
space for Lauren’s gifts.

So, this is an intentional, organic kind of

culture of discipleship that I hope is
woven into the life of The Village. On top
of that, my hope would be that young men
would seek out older men. And I have told
them before: Hound older men. Ask: Can I
get in your space? Whatever you normally
do, can I just come and join you in that?

The appeal of youthfulness in churches is

so heavy and celebrated, and yet I have
found, without a good mix of generations,
you are going to get lopsided and silly.
And the worst possible thing imaginable
in my mind is a bunch of 24-year-olds
sitting around talking about life. If I can
get that 24-year-old single guy with a 38-
year-old married man, then I have high
hopes for how that 24-year-old will see,
understand, and desire marriage.

But then on top of that I think what you

celebrate and how you celebrate is
important. So, we want to celebrate
marriages at The Village Church. And I
want to celebrate women and men who
have given themselves over to make
disciples, whether they are married or not.

In the “Beautiful Design” sermon series I

finished this fall, I wanted to constantly
come back to single women and single
men who have given themselves over to
make disciples and celebrate their labors.
So, it’s more than me saying, “Hey, get
over your singleness.” It’s me celebrating
those not sitting around on Valentine’s
Day wanting to be taken out for a movie,
but having their lives wrung out in
making disciples, for their own joy. They
are still desiring marriage, and desiring a
spouse, but they are not sitting on their
hands until they get one.

Question 5: Should I Date a

Godly Girl I Do Not Find
Attractive?
A common question from single men: If I
am not physically attracted to a godly
woman, should I still try to romantically
pursue her in order to cultivate those
feelings? If so, for how long: until it
becomes unwise or even hurtful?

I don’t encourage a young man to pursue

a godly woman romantically if he doesn’t
feel physical attraction at the time. But I
do adamantly encourage young single
men to pursue godly women for
friendships in the hopes that it grows into
more.

“The culture tells us

physical attraction is first,
then character, godliness,
and compatibility follow. I
think we get it
backwards.”

I did a wedding this past year of one guy

that spent time at my house and who has
been around Lauren and me a lot, and he
saw a young woman at our church that
was faithful to observe the Lord and a
godly woman — but the physical piece
wasn’t there. But he loved hanging out
with her. So, I just encouraged him to stay
in proximity, to grow in his friendship
with her, and to hope something would
grow from there.

For her sake, I wouldn’t want him to say,

“I’m going to romantically pursue you in
the hopes that one day I will be physically
attracted to you.”

I keep saying it: Godliness is sexy to godly

people. And so, if you get in proximity,
and you see the godliness and character of
a woman, you begin to take compatibility
and godliness and gospel partnership
more seriously than just physical
attraction.

In the first part of Mingling, I really

address attraction as a good thing, but not
at the level to where our culture has put it.
Gravity always wins. We are all wrinkling.
Our nose and ears never quit growing. It is
only a matter of time till that little
component that we are basing so much on
starts to vanish and must be replaced by
attraction founded on character and
covenant.

When I got cancer, everything that was

sexy about me vanished — my strength,
my vibrancy, my sense of humor, my
creative romantic pursuit of Lauren. All of
that was gone for two years. And my hair
was gone. I became a shriveled up version
of what I was before the cancer. Lauren
entered into covenant with me, loved the
character that God had formed in my
heart, and now it was my character and
godliness that fueled her attraction to me
physically.

The culture tells us physical/sexual

attraction is first, then character,
godliness, and compatibility follow. I
think we get it backwards. I think once
character, compatibility, and godliness are
there, those fuel attraction in the way that
pleases God, and is much safer for our
souls.

But at the same time, I want to protect the

hearts particularly of young women from
godly men teasing them with pursuit. So,
pursue them as friends and hope that it
grows into more. Want it to grow into
more. And I am confident that, over time,
character and godliness will win the day.

Question 6: Should a
Boyfriend “Lead” His
Girlfriend?
Do you think it’s wise for a boyfriend to
“lead” his girlfriend? Should a dating
relationship reflect the complementary
structure of marriage to any degree? It
seems biblically and practically wise, but
it also seems covenantally inappropriate
at this stage. What would you say?

Yes, a boyfriend should lead his girlfriend

in some ways, but definitely not to the
degree that a husband leads his wife. So,
what I possess, when it comes to the
covenant I am in with Lauren in marriage,
is headship. I have been called by God to
lead, to cover, to provide, to protect in
ways over Lauren that a boyfriend is not.
However, a boyfriend should be leading
his girlfriend in regards to godliness, and
encouraging her in regards to her
giftedness. I think he should be
encouraging her in prayerfulness and
encouraging her towards an
understanding and growing knowledge of
the word of God.

I can get my own preferences mixed up in

this, so let me just kind of put a little
asterisk here. What Lauren wants from me
is for me to ask, “Hey, would you like to
go out Thursday?” If so, then what she
wants is for me to say, “Hey, we are going
to go to dinner and we are going to do
this.” She doesn’t want me to come home
Thursday night and say, “So, what do you
want to do?” And so, for a boyfriend to be
leading in planning dinners and for him to
lead out in protection of their purity, for
him to lead in their growing
understanding of what their relationship
is, I think the man should be driving those
things, even as a boyfriend.

Question 7: Keys to Sexual

Purity in Dating
Speaking of sexual purity, what are a
couple of practical helps for staying
sexually pure in a dating relationship that
actually work?

Maybe because I have been married for

fifteen years, but this question of purity
feels like common sense. One of the things
I say at The Village, on repeat, is that
nothing good has ever come from a
boyfriend and girlfriend cuddling on the
couch watching a movie from 11pm to
1am. It has never ended in a discussion
about cinematography in the history of
watching movies on couches. To put
yourself in that position to begin with is a
foolish one.

What works is being in public, guarding

space alone, not putting yourself in
situations. I think singles have a tendency
to think more highly of their own self-
control than they should. So, I think
dating in groups, or dating in public, is
important, and we see that in Scripture. In
Song of Solomon you see a growing desire
to be physically intimate, and yet she
describes their date as being under this
canopy of leaves and this rug of grass
(Song 1:16–17). They are outside. They are
at a park. They are in a forest. They are in
the public eye, because they have a
growing passion to be intimate physically.
And yet, it is clear that they don’t want to
awaken love before it is time (Song 2:7;
3:5; 8:4). And so, they have positioned
themselves publicly so as to not give
themselves over to their lusts.

Question 8: When Should a