Nonviolent Communication

A Language of Life
Marshall B. Rosenberg
Puddledancer Press © 2003
222 pages
[@] getab.li/23198
Book:

Rating Take-Aways

8
9 Applicability • Poor communication contributes to dysfunctional relationships, misunderstandings
and frustration.
7 Innovation
8 Style • “Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication” (NVC) is built on interpersonal
connection “from the heart.”

• NVC has four components: “observations, feelings, needs and requests.”

 
Focus • To practice NVC, learn to observe without judgment or evaluation.

• Express your needs. Outside forces might stimulate feelings, but they aren’t the cause.
Leadership & Management Your feelings come from your needs.
Strategy
Sales & Marketing
• If you think other people’s actions made you feel angry, you’ll blame them for
your feelings.
Finance
Human Resources • Before anyone else can value your needs, you must acknowledge and value them.
IT, Production & Logistics
• When you make a request, express needs and feelings, not demands. Ask listeners to
Career & Self-Development
confirm they heard what you intended.
Small Business
Economics & Politics • Apply nonviolent communication practices to deal with your emotions.
Industries
• Use NVC to help others resolve conflicts. Replace “I have to” with “I choose to.”
Global Business
Concepts & Trends

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getabstract

getabstract
Relevance
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What You Will Learn
In this book summary, you will learn:r1) How “Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication” (NVC)
functions, 2) How to apply NVC principles to various interactions, and 3) How you and those around you benefit
when you develop and use NVC skills.
getabstract
Review
Psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg explains how to express your needs and feelings in ways that promote respectful,
empathic interpersonal connections. He’s not writing primarily about conflict resolution or mediation, though
you can apply his system of “Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication” (NVC) in those areas. Instead, he
addresses “compassionate communication.” Rosenberg’s updated manual – this is the third edition – offers new
communication-related behaviors you can apply productively. Note that using this system requires embracing a
theoretical framework about human needs and emotions that Rosenberg could have explained more completely and
you’ll have to work through some jargon, albeit kind and purposeful. getAbstract recommends this compassionate
method to businesspeople seeking clearer communication and those interested in mindfulness, relationships and
personal growth.
getabstract
getabstract

getabstract
Summary
getabstract
“Nonviolent Communication”
Many of your established communication patterns may contribute to dysfunctional
relationships, misunderstandings and frustration. Making “moralistic judgments” about
other people can alienate them. This differs from making “value judgments,” which people
getabstract
Nonviolent or do all the time. Comparing people to each other interferes with authentic communication,
Compassionate as does talking about what someone deserves or denying responsibility for your actions.
Communication
(NVC) is “a way of When you say you have to do something, or someone else is making you do it, you alienate
communicating that yourself from other people.
leads us to give from
the heart.”
getabstract “Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication” (NVC) offers interpersonal connection
“from the heart.” NVC helps you focus and stay humane in tough circumstances. Using
NVC, you can alter your consciousness so that you see your actions differently.

NVC has four components: “observations, feelings, needs and requests.” To apply NVC,
work through these four elements. Observe what’s going on. Share how an event makes
you feel and what you need. If you ask the other person to do something, your request
should be specific. Ask for something the person can do. Don’t request an attitude change
getabstract or an abstract intention. NVC has two “parts” or sides. In one, you express yourself and
“First, we observe what
is actually happening
your reality honestly by working through the four components. In the other, you receive
in a situation: What are communication and respond with empathy as you and your counterpart(s) work through
we observing others NVC’s four constituent parts. You can apply NVC to personal relationships – within
saying or doing that is
either enriching or not families, in business and in group or societal conflicts.
enriching our life?”
getabstract
“Observation”
Separate observation from “evaluation.” What you notice should be specific to a particular
“time and context.” Avoid using words like “never” or “frequently” unless you tie them to
specific observations. Rather than using time-based words like these, cite the number of

Nonviolent Communication                                                                                                                                                             getAbstract © 2017 2 of 5

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 instances of the behavior you’ve observed. To do a better job of separating evaluation and
observation, review the statements you intend to offer, and identify any evaluations you
attach to them.

getabstract “Identifying and Expressing Feelings”

“When we simply
express our feelings, it Knowing what you feel is valuable, but people won’t generally support you in developing
may not be clear to the that insight. Often, you might not know what they feel either – even with members of
listener what we want
them to do.” your family. To get better at the practice of identifying what you feel, distinguish between
getabstract emotions and thoughts. If you can replace “I feel” in a statement with “I think,” you may
need to work harder to identify your emotions. Likewise, if you follow the statement “I
feel” with someone’s name or the word “that,” you’re probably intellectualizing an emotion
or presenting an evaluation as a feeling.

Something another person does or says can be the “stimulus” for what you feel, but it’s
never the cause of your feelings. Your feelings result from how you receive others’ actions
and statements – which is, in fact, a choice you make in combination with what you need
and expect at that moment. If someone says something negative to you, you have four
getabstract response options: You can blame yourself. You can blame others. You can pay attention to
“The more we
empathize with the what you feel and need, or you can pay attention to what others feel and need. Thinking
other party, the safer through these options will help you become aware of what’s happening, what people are
we feel.”
getabstract feeling and why. This is a valuable step toward identifying the needs at the root of what
you feel and what other people feel.

Identifying Needs
Most people lack experience identifying what they need. You might have learned to criticize
others when your needs aren’t met. For example, if you want a clean, well-organized home,
you might nag someone in your family for leaving a coat out, without ever recognizing
your deeper need for clear spaces. This happens in large-scale conflicts or in disagreements
between workers and business owners. Rather than identifying what they need, people hurl
getabstract
“When we first begin accusations – labeling others and their actions.
asking others to reflect
back what they hear
us say, it may feel
You have physical needs, like food and water. You have spiritual needs, like beauty and
awkward and strange harmony. Some needs relate to autonomy and integrity, like being able to choose your values
because such requests or create your vision. Others spring from interdependence, like community, acceptance and
are rarely made.”
getabstract appreciation. Before anyone else can value your needs, you must acknowledge and value
them yourself. Identifying your needs is an important step in a larger journey of “emotional
liberation.” This odyssey has three main stages: First, you experience “emotional slavery,”
when you feel responsible for what others feel. Second comes the “obnoxious stage,” when
you reject that responsibility. You know what you aren’t responsible for, but you don’t yet
know how to respond to what others feel. In the third stage, emotional liberation, you take
responsibility for your intentions and your actions.

getabstract
Ask for What You Need
“The cause of anger NVC’s fourth component is requesting, that is, asking other people for things “that would
lies in our thinking – enrich your life.” Use active language when you make a request. Be specific and positive.
thoughts of blame and
judgment.” Don’t ask people not to do something. Ask them to take specific positive actions. Don’t
getabstract ask your spouse not to spend as much time at work or not to treat you disrespectfully. Ask,
instead, to share more intimate time or to look into your eyes and listen when you talk to
each other. If you just express your feelings, your listener might not realize what you want
or that you want anything at all.

Nonviolent Communication                                                                                                                                                             getAbstract © 2017 3 of 5

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 When you make a request, express your needs and feelings. This makes your requests seem
less like demands. In addition to personal requests for actions that address your needs,
ask your listeners to reflect back what they’ve heard, to confirm that they heard what you
intended. Thank those who agree to your requests, and empathize with those who decline.
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“Speakers expressing
intensely emotional Ask what your listeners feel in response to your request, what they are thinking and how
messages would
appreciate our willing they are to take specific actions. Asking a group to do something takes extra care:
reflecting those back to If you aren’t clear, you can waste people’s time. Make sure you present a request, not a
them.”
getabstract demand. People see someone who makes a demand as criticizing those who don’t agree or
trying to make them feel guilty. When you make a request, empathize with the person who
receives it. Throughout this process, remember your larger goal is to build “a relationship
based on honesty and empathy.”

NVC Interactions
Applying these principles of self-expression as you listen to others means “receiving
empathically.” Listen with your “whole being.” Give up your preconceptions about the
people you’re hearing. As you try to build empathy, be aware of communication patterns
getabstract
“We can replace that get in its way, such as correcting, educating, advising or consoling people. Don’t try
language that implies for “intellectual understanding.” Listen for what people feel and what they need.
lack of choice
with language that
acknowledges choice.” Paraphrase what you think you’ve heard. If you’re right, the other person will confirm your
getabstract
understanding. If you’re wrong, he or she can correct you. When someone stays silent,
empathize. Listen “for the feelings and needs behind” the silence. Sometimes that’s what
people need most.

Compassion for Yourself

NVC can help you develop compassion for yourself. People who have trouble responding
with compassion to others often also fail to treat themselves with compassion. Use NVC to
help yourself grow, rather than reinforcing self-hatred or disapproval. This turns out to be
getabstract hardest to do if you’ve made a mistake. That’s when you tend to criticize yourself, generate
“People feel safer
if we first reveal the shame, and tell yourself what you should do or should have done.
feelings and needs
within ourselves that
are generating the
When you judge yourself, you try to express your “unmet needs” from the present or the
question.” past. NVC helps you connect with feelings or needs arising from things you’ve done but
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you now regret. As you learn from the past, forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness involves
connecting to the need you were trying to meet when you took the action you now regret.

People often say that they do something because they had to do it. If you do things because
you feel you must, you’re acting out of “fear, guilt, shame or obligation.” For a better
approach, do things that “contribute to life.” Consider committing yourself to not doing
“anything that isn’t play.” This can be liberating and can add energy to your life. If you
find yourself saying you have to do something, pause and list each action you need to
accomplish. Acknowledge that you are choosing to do these things. Say, “I choose to…”
getabstract followed by the name of each step you are taking. Identify the desire or need driving your
“Our objective is a
relationship based on choice. If you’re doing something for reasons you can’t fully embrace, like for money or
honesty and empathy.” approval, try to stop. If you embrace it – for example, if you choose to drive your kids to
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school to keep them safe, for example – accept it as your choice.

Anger
NVC can help express your anger usefully. Sever the link between other people and your
anger. If you think their actions make you angry, you’ll blame them for what you feel. What

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 another person does can be a “stimulus” for your feelings, but it’s never a cause. Instead of
blaming others, look inside yourself to identify which of your needs isn’t being met.

Anger can misdirect your energy. People become angry or violent when they believe others
are causing their pain and should be punished. When you get angry and need to express
it, stop and take a breath. Look inward for thoughts that are judgments. Identify the unmet
getabstract
“The clearer we are needs you have that underlie these judgments. Express what you feel and need. Often, if you
about what we want, want someone to listen to you, you need to listen to him or her first and empathize actively.
the more likely it is that
we'll get it.”
When you hear what someone else is feeling, you can recognize the humanity you share.
getabstract
Resolving Conflicts
“NVC-style conflict resolution” differs from other methods of resolving disputes.
Traditionally, mediators focus on issues while offering an outside perspective to help
the parties reach an agreement about those issues. With NVC, the most critical part of
the process is establishing a connection between the parties. Having a caring, respectful
connection lets people talk productively and see each other’s perspectives rather than
staying stuck in their own mind-sets.

Express your needs. Listen for other people’s needs. Look beyond what they ask for to
getabstract what lies beneath the request. Provide empathy, which people need before they can hear
“Making requests in what others are saying. Propose strategies to resolve the conflict. Use “present and positive
clear, positive, concrete
action language reveals action language.”
what we really want.”
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Don’t fall into applying only “intellectual analysis.” People often hear analysis as criticism.
Playing the roles of different parties in a conflict can speed the mediation process and move
people out of fixed positions. If people talk over each other or shout, interrupt them. Your
mediation role is as a translator. Help people say what they can’t say on their own. Don’t
use punishment to get people to act. Punishment focuses on the consequences of an action
at the expense of your values, and using it will damage your goodwill and self-esteem.

Inner Conflicts
Depression can spring from repeating internal, judgmental messages. These critical
messages prevent you from recognizing what you feel and need. Translate such judgments
getabstract into statements that begin “I feel,” followed by “because I need.” Make positive statements
“Listen to what people
are needing rather about actions that can improve your situation. Shift away from “what went wrong” and
than what they are focus on what you want to do.
thinking.”
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“Expressing Appreciation”
NVC helps you voice gratitude without unconscious judgment. Many compliments are
judgments that can contribute to alienation just as negative statements can. People might
praise others in order to influence or manipulate them. Instead, look for ways to celebrate
people. Identify which of their actions enhanced your well-being. Name the needs that their
actions fulfilled, and share the joy this generated.
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About the Author
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Psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD, is the former director of educational services for the Center for
Nonviolent Communication. He has written 15 books, including The Surprising Purpose of Anger; Beyond Anger
Management: Finding the Gift and Being Me, Loving You: A Practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationships.

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