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The Sound Relationship House Inspection

Introduction

This exercise invites you and your partner to take a look at your relationship through the lens of the so-
called “Sound Relationship House.” A bit like a house inspection, we will examine how well the different
components of your relationship house are functioning. In this way, the exercise serves as a check-up on
your relationship.

The Sound Relationship House is a metaphor, developed by relationship experts Gottman and Gottman,
that serves as a template for healthy, satisfying, and lasting relationships. The Sound Relationship House
metaphor was designed to help couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection,
and intimacy in their relationships.

Step 1: Familiarize yourself with the Sound Relationship House metaphor

Together with your partner, consider the Sound Relationship House infographic (Appendix A). As you can
see, the sound relationship house has nine elements: seven stories and two pillars/walls. Please read the
descriptions of each element of the house to familiarize yourself with the metaphor for how a relationship
functions.

Step 2: Rate each element of your Sound Relationship House

You will now examine your relationship through the lens of the Sound Relationship House. Working
individually, consider the statements in Appendix B and on a scale of 0 to 10, rate how much you agree with
each statement. Mark the colored banner for each question to indicate your score.

Step 3: Enter the scores in the infographic

Now come together with your partner and enter your scores from Step 2 into the infographic (Appendix A),
in the box at the top left-hand (partner A) and top right-hand (partner B) corners of each element. At the end
of this step, the infographic will contain your score (partner A) and your partner’s score (partner B) for each
element of the house.

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Step 4: Review and reflect

Come together with your partner now to compare and discuss how each of you evaluated the different
aspects of your relationship.

1. Which elements do you and your partner agree are functioning well at this moment?

2. Which elements do both you and your partner agree need attention at this moment?

3. Which elements do you and your partner not agree are functioning well at this moment?

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4. Which elements do you and your partner not agree need attention at this moment?

5. How was it to do this relationship exercise?

6. What did you learn?

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Appendix A: An overview of the Sound Relationship House

Name Partner A:

Name Partner B:

partner partner partner partner

A B A B

1. 2.
You believe your partner You believe that your
has your best interest at relationship is a lifelong
heart, and that he or she journey, for better or
values you as much as for worse.
him- or herself.

partner partner partner partner

A B A B

9. 3.
Your relationship is a You are interested in
blend of both of your what goes on in your
values, culture, and partner’s life, and you
beliefs. You are on the 9. Shared Meaning know about his or her
same page, and you current worries, stress-
navigate life with a sense es, joys, and dreams.
of unity. 8. Make Life Dreams Come True

2.
1. 7. Manage Conflict

C
partner partner
partner 6. The Positive Perspective partner
A B T O A B
M
8. R M 4.
5. Turn Towards instead of Away
U I
T You are generally fond
You and your part- S M of each other and accept
4. Share Fondness and Admiration
ner support each T E
and celebrate your
other’s life goals and differences. You enjoy
dreams. N
each other’s interests and
3. Know One Another’s World T points of view.

partner partner partner partner partner partner

A B A B A B

7. 6. 5.
You and your partner
Your relationship has
deal with arguments You make an effort to
a generally positive
gently, maintaining turn towards your part-
feeling/vibe. Problems
respect for one another ner when he or she tries
are approached with a
and bringing in humor to connect with you.
sense of positivity and
at times to keep things
friendliness.
light.

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Appendix B: Sound Relationship House Scoring Form

Scoring form for Partner A

The nine statements below refer to the nine elements of the Sound Relationship House metaphor. On a
10-point scale, please indicate how much you agree with each statement; 0 means you completely disagree
with a statement, 10 means you fully agree with the statement. For each statement, circle the number to
indicate your choice.

Sound Relationship House Element Rating

1. Develop Trust Strongly

I believe my partner has my best interest at heart and that he/she Strongly
acts in ways that benefit me. I know that your partner values my disagree
interests and my needs as much as his/her own. I feel as though my  agree
partner has my back and is there for me.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

2. Maintain Commitment Strongly

I believe that our relationship is a lifelong journey for better or for Strongly
worse (meaning that if it gets worse, we will both work to improve it). disagree
I try my best to maximize my partner’s well-being. I do not compare agree
our relationship to other relationships. I often think about and cherish
my partner’s positive qualities and spend little time, if any, focusing
on my partner’s negative faults. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

3. Build Love Maps Strongly

I consider my partner’s world outside of our relationship. I understand Strongly
him/her very well, including knowing what makes him/her happy disagree
and what he/she is looking forward to. I am aware of his/her current agree
worries, stresses, joys, and dreams. I am always interested in and
respectful of my partner’s life.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

4. Share Fondness and Admiration Strongly

I tend to look out for what my partner is doing right. I celebrate his/ Strongly
her successes and express my gratitude for him/her often. I appreciate disagree
and respect my partner for who he or she is. I am affectionate with agree
my partner and feel generally fond of him/her. I accept and celebrate
his/her differences and enjoy his/her interests and opinions. I make
an effort to express positive thoughts and feelings about my partner 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
and our relationship. I praise my partner regularly. 10

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Sound Relationship House Element Rating

5. Turn Towards Instead of Away Strongly

I accept my partner’s gestures for emotional connection Strongly
(conversation, humor, affection and support, and other forms of disagree
positive communication). In this way, I turn towards my partner’s agree
attempts for connection and, in doing so, make deposits into our
relationship’s ‘emotional bank account.’
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

6. Maintain a Positive Perspective Strongly

Our relationship has a generally positive feeling/vibe. Attempts to Strongly
repair relationship issues are mostly successful, and we approach disagree
problems with a sense of positivity and friendliness. agree

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

7. Manage Conflict Gently Strongly

We have a soft, gentle approach to arguing, bringing in humor to Strongly
diffuse tension and negativity. I can recognize, honor, and work with disagree
the negative moments or emotions that come up in life. I do not agree
overreact to negative situations, and I can see positive alternatives
and can quickly see the relationship in a positive light. I do not spend
much time worrying about the past or the future, and I count your 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
blessings regularly. 10

8. Make Life Dreams Come True Strongly

We find ways to support each other’s life goals and dreams. We have Strongly
created an atmosphere within our relationship that encourages each disagree
person to talk openly and honestly about his or her dreams, values, agree
convictions, and aspirations.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

9. Create Shared Meaning Strongly

Our relationship is a blend of my and my partner’s legacy, culture, Strongly
values, and beliefs to create an entirely new culture. disagree
agree

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

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Scoring form for Partner B

The nine statements below refer to the nine elements of the Sound Relationship House metaphor. On a
10-point scale, please indicate how much you agree with each statement; 0 means you completely disagree
with a statement, 10 means you fully agree with the statement. For each statement, circle the number to
indicate your choice.

Sound Relationship House Element Rating

1. Develop Trust Strongly

I believe my partner has my best interest at heart, and that he/she Strongly
acts in ways that benefit me. I know that your partner values my disagree
interests and my needs as much as his/her own. I feel as though my agree
partner has my back and is there for me.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

2. Maintain Commitment Strongly

I believe that our relationship is a lifelong journey for better or for Strongly
worse (meaning that if it gets worse, we will both work to improve it). disagree
I try my best to maximize my partner’s well-being. I do not compare agree
our relationship to other relationships. I often think about and cherish
my partner’s positive qualities and spend little time, if any, focusing
on my partner’s negative faults. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

3. Build Love Maps Strongly

I consider my partner’s world outside of our relationship. I understand Strongly
him/her very well, including knowing what makes him/her happy disagree
and what he/she is looking forward to. I am aware of his/her current agree
worries, stresses, joys, and dreams. I am always interested in and
respectful of my partner’s life.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

4. Share Fondness and Admiration Strongly

I tend to look out for what my partner is doing right. I celebrate Strongly
his/her successes and express my gratitude for him/her often. disagree
I appreciate and respect my partner for who he or she is. I am agree
affectionate with my partner and feel generally fond of him/her. I
accept and celebrate his/her differences and enjoy his/her interests
and opinions. I make an effort to express positive thoughts and 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
feelings about my partner and our relationship. I praise my partner 10
regularly.

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Sound Relationship House Element Rating

5. Turn Towards Instead of Away Strongly

I accept my partner’s gestures for emotional connection Strongly
(conversation, humor, affection and support, and other forms of disagree
positive communication). In this way, I turn towards my partner’s agree
attempts for connection and, in doing so, make deposits into our
relationship’s ‘emotional bank account.’
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

6. Maintain a Positive Perspective Strongly

Our relationship has a generally positive feeling/vibe. Attempts to Strongly
repair relationship issues are mostly successful, and we approach disagree
problems with a sense of positivity and friendliness. agree

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

7. Manage Conflict Gently Strongly

We have a soft, gentle approach to arguing, bringing in humor to Strongly
diffuse tension and negativity. I can recognize, honor, and work with disagree
the negative moments or emotions that come up in life. I do not agree
overreact to negative situations, and I can see positive alternatives
and can quickly see the relationship in a positive light. I do not spend
much time worrying about the past or the future, and I count your 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
blessings regularly. 10

8. Make Life Dreams Come True Strongly

We find ways to support each other’s life goals and dreams. We have Strongly
created an atmosphere within our relationship that encourages each disagree
person to talk openly and honestly about his or her dreams, values, agree
convictions, and aspirations.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

9. Create Shared Meaning Strongly

Our relationship is a blend of my and my partner’s legacy, culture, Strongly
values, and beliefs to create an entirely new culture. disagree
agree

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10

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