Local Wife, Angel Listenns, Key Suspect in ‘Straw Theft Case’ Reports

Sheriff
Pearl Zhong

Drinking straws, you know ‘em, you love ‘em, they’re in our favorite diners, restaurants,
and kitchens. Though in recent events, it seems our love for these consumable beverage tubes
may be a bit misguided.
Angel Listenns, family woman and community leader has been arrested for a connection
with the current incidents at convenience stores affiliated with BIG SLURP Co.“We just don’t
know how this could have happened, this is the last straw.” States Jeremy Long, local franchise
manager, “We don’t even have security cameras!”
Listenns was apparently arrested due to the overwhelming evidence found in a storage
locker off the coast, full of straws, plastic, wood, and metal scraps. “We just had to get rid of the
multiple corpses, but there you have it! We pinpointed the owner of the storage compartment,
through several offshore accounts, we’ve finally found the official straw thief. We’re just worried
about possible contamination to the straws due to the dead bodies on the scene.” reports
Scarlett Ep, the town sheriff. When asked about the bodies found, Ep briskly brushed it off, “The
corpses would never have anything to do with the stolen straws, or multiple missing people in
town.”

Listenns, enraged at the accusations and her arrest, announced that she had nothing to
do with the missing people or the straws. “She must keep up with the news a lot, knowing about
the missing victims.” Sheriff Ep remarks. Asked about what happened to the bodies, Ep casually
states, “Oh, those, some estranged mourner must have just dropped them in there without
seeing the millions of stolen straws in piles 8 feet in diameter, in a private, locked, and secured
storage compartment. Quite commonplace actually. We burned and threw the bodies in the
river. Why do you ask?”
The hearing to determine Listen’s fate will take place next, next, next, next, next, next,
next, next Thursday, according to Liveleak. People are encouraged to bring signs made from
drinking straws and BIG SLURP merchandise. “It’s all for the good sake of capitalism,” Jeremy
Long declares, “it’s to show that this sort of depravity will never fly in this free country.”
Though this story has closure, multiple families have been worried about missing family
members, if you know anything, please contact CrimeStoppers at XXX-XXX-XXXX