Hot summer streets and the pavements are burning, I sit around.

Trying to smile, but

the air is so heavy and dry. Strange voices are saying, what did they say? Things I can’t I
understand. It’s too close to comfort this heat has got right out of hand. It’s a cruel,
cruel summer. Leaving me here on my own, It’s a cruel, cruel summer. Now you’re gone.

Summer on 80s? No. It’s been a long decades after 1983 when Bananarama release
“Cruel Summer” song. The present year is 2021? How could be someone listen to 80s
songs like this? Middle aged guy? No. I’m born on 2004, 17 years old. Suprising isn’t it?
No more tape recorder, no more radio. Cell phone, wifi, Laptop, tab, any kind of geeky
stuff like that. No one of them bring me down to keep the positive vibes of that long
time period. Don’t know how to explain, it feels happier to not tailing someone’s life,
keep the privacy away. Don’t really know anyting happened. So this time is a long
pandemic, right? So what I supposed to do without any kind of these stuff? It’s pretty
easy. Just read a book. Just realized that I really into this, feels happier, so why should I
stop this habit? Different than most of peoples doesn’t matter anymore. Sad songs just
keep on more useless dramatic event on a bed. Don’t know why this time more like
books full of words, not image like comic strip book. Don’t know what happen to bunch
of peoples outside I know. Still workout sometimes. One more thing. No more eating
disorders. When the firt time people affected with this horrible diseases? Yes, the first
time they think about body goals. Anykind of actor, actress, or whatever with the great
shape they use to make a living. How about them? Only to impress someone else or
even everyone. That’s kind of dumb. Let me tell you the story, not ended story actually.
Back in 2020, when the first time work from home, school from home, or whatever at
home as long as possible. Don’t interact with much peoples even have more possibility
to discover many things. There’s no time to regret anything, but let’s start. For 3 weeks
only do things told before, then change whole life, the way of think obviously. My name
is Anton. These simple things maybe looks nothing. But butterfly effects would slay
every stupid thoughts like that. By reading, first of all increase dopamine. Then, self
love, self esteem increase drastically. Full of hope, complexity thoughts of problem.
Feels of joyness, grateful of what they have. Most importantly, less self doubt to do
positive things. No more words “What if I workout then I still fat?”, “What if I tidy up my
bed then just goes on?” “ What if I learn something then nothing happen?” “What if I
learn something new then feel even more ashamed?” “What if I talk to her then she
response rudely?” What if, what if, and what if. These Stupid self doubt just even make
verything worser and worser. Even worser than any kind of accident or injured joints.
Back in 2021, March, the first time spend much time on home. Start to do simple
rutinition. Started from doing planking front, left, and right side 60 seconds per each
movement. Then, doing some push ups counted 100 as total with random repetitions
per set. No warmup cause I don’t know anything. If you questioned what make me think
to do this, I confidently say, “I don’t know”. Really, just like a light goes through my
brain, strike the thunder. Lightning and the thunder. Kinda like 1 week later, added
variations, 100 sit ups. All over 3 months past, then something happens. Something I
dream but hopeless at the same time. Teenage Boy dream seems funny to think as an
adult. That’s it, “Abs”. Gone crazy, don’t really believe it that time. Like a silly kid put a
camera phone then shoot at the stomatch to see the reality.Then know it’s true. Is that
last long term happiness? unfortunately, no. Something happens through me really
slow. It took 1 half yer to realize it. One realization just discovered. When you really lost
much things, tht’s the same thing therealization of hidden like a biggest influence
mistake. During 1 year countless times do workout routine by myself, average 50
repetitions regular push ups to 50 diamond push ups almost everyday, running at one of
the complex near home 7 rounds per 12 minutes, sometimes running again until 15 to
20. Even one year later, become stronger and harder. Even one time 30 rounds per each
7 rounds 12 minutes. By doing all of that, dopamine increase drastically. Of course
doesn’t allowed mind to think negativity despite bad things happened. Until someday,
flatline happens. During that time, only two option offered. First, take some rest by
learn something new but easier without much pressure. Second, burnout, relapse to do
anything increase dopamine drastically but regret it at the same time. Accidentaly, I
choose the second option. Feeling bad, worse, even really worse. Somehow I think
everything just goes down to the bottom. Physically nothing really change.