Untitled

Copyright © 2021 Mona Alyedreessy
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be replicated or reproduced in any form, without
permission in writing from the author, except by a book reviewer, writer or scholar who may use
quoted passages.
Edited by: Neda Shams
Published in the United Kingdom by: Independent Publishing Network
Date of Publication: 1st of December 2021
Author website: www.themuslimnarcissist.com
ISBN: 978-1-80049-998-0
Acknowledgments
This book is for my 18-year old self who would have loved to have read
it, understood and known what I know today. I’m so grateful to God for
giving me the time, experiences and knowledge to write this book that I
pray will help many people. I thank my incredible mother Dr. Samira
Zaidan, who encouraged me to pursue a doctorate in this field and start
writing and who made me aware of narcissism when I was a victim of it, as
it greatly empowered me and made me stronger at the time. I’m also
grateful to my friends who were there for me, especially Selma, who gave
me endless counselling when I needed it and helped me to understand
myself and everything I had been through. You’re an absolute gem Selma.
I’m also thankful for all the wonderful Muslim scholars like Sheikh Hamza
Yusuf, Sheikh Mohammed Al-Nabulsi, Imam Omar Suleiman, Sheikh
Mufti Menk and Ustadha Yasmin Mogahed who were a source of valuable
and very beautiful Islamic knowledge that kept me going and made me feel
very blessed to be a Muslim. I also appreciate the videos made by the
Supernova Empath YouTubers who educate us about narcissism and who
supported me and so many other people in their healing journeys.
I dedicate this book to all my Muslim brothers and sisters who need to be
set free from their egos, pains, societal pressures, false guilt, abuse and
traumas that have caused their colours to fade. I pray that I can inspire you
to pick up your brushes and paint your lives with bright colours, and most
importantly re-connect with God on a deeper level, reclaim your faith and
find yourselves in this book.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments
1. Introduction
2. Who is a Muslim?
3. Who is Satan?
4. Who Are We?
5. What is Narcissism?
6. What is Co-Dependency?
7. What is Empathy?
8. Exploring the Cause of Mental Health
Disorders in Islam
9. An Understanding of Narcissism
from an Islamic and Cultural Perspective
10. An Understanding of Co-Dependency
11. The Need for Sexual Validation Among
Co-Dependent Muslims
12. An Understanding of Empaths
13. The Different Types of Muslim Narcissists
14. The Dangers of Social Media and Online
Marriage and Dating Apps
15. The Three Date Rule
16. The Social Problems Muslim Narcissists
Cause
17. Marriage in Islam: Know Your Rights
18. How to Live with a Narcissist
19. The Problematic Khula Procedure
20. Civil Divorce Issues
21. The Healing Journey
22. Final Words
1. Introduction
It’s the 1st of November 2020 and Prime Minister Boris Johnson has just
announced that England will go into its second lockdown on the 5th of
November for four weeks. As everyone has been ordered to ‘stay at home’ I
thought now would be the best time to start writing this book that has been
delayed for quite some time. As I sit on my bed in front of a blank MS
Word page, I remember the words that inspired me to write about the plight
of Muslims in the world we live in today.
“There aren’t any nice and genuine practicing Muslims to marry
anymore, looks like we are destined to stay single forever”, “Every Muslim
guy I have met is a playboy, it’s hard to find someone who is serious about
getting married”, “The beautiful Muslim women are all asking for high
dowries” and “I’m struggling to find a hijabi who is attractive and
compatible with me”. These are lines I hear in almost every phone call,
discussion, counselling session or gathering of single Muslims over the age
of twenty-five who are struggling to meet someone they can marry and start
a family with.
Many people often question why it has become so difficult to find a
suitable marriage partner despite the large number of single Muslims in our
communities. Muslim marriage app CEOs proudly claim that they have
hundreds and thousands of single Muslims registered on their databases,
especially in countries like the USA and the UK. So, what’s going on? It
can be argued that finding a partner is more difficult for Muslim women, as
social statistics show there’s a greater number of single women than there
are single men (on the apps too), so why do we still have so many young
single men despite the increasing number of modern apps and services to
help them connect with potential partners? One of the reasons why there are
more single Muslim women than men in this generation is because
according to Islamic law, Muslim women can only marry Muslim men.
There are several reasons behind this, the primary one being that Muslim
men are followers of the same mindset, values and lifestyle and can
therefore be role models for their children who will be raised with the same
beliefs and life goals too (to do well in life while pleasing God and earn a
place in Paradise). However, the rapidly decreasing pool of suitable,
practicing and morally sound Muslim men is causing a crisis for the
Muslim women in our societies who wish to get married. They either end
up marrying narcissists and abusers (knowingly and un-knowingly),
because they ignore early red flags, marry non-Muslims, go through
difficult trials to remain patient and chaste, which can cause depression,
loneliness and mental health disorders and/or slip into a non-Islamic
lifestyle if or when they lose their patience and faith. You may ask what
causes the decrease in the number of suitable Muslim men these days?
Well, to begin with, women who have qualities, such as being financially
independent, educated, beautiful and belonging to a good family often have
standards that many men are either unable to meet or are unwilling to make
efforts to reach or exceed. Women complain that the men they meet both
online and offline are not eligible because they’re not practicing and don’t
pray, are secretly married, are separated and not yet divorced, are single
fathers with a complex parenting routine or problematic ex-wife, belong to
a very different ethnic background and culture, belong to a different Muslim
sect, are gay or bisexual, are narcissistic, are just looking for Muslim
girlfriends, aren’t able to decide who and what they want, have difficult
parents, are uneducated and/or unemployed, are mummy’s boys, have a
criminal record, have a bad reputation, are immature, are unattractive, are
too old or too young, aren’t financially stable enough, aren’t intellectual,
ambitious or interesting, are after citizenship and other personal benefits,
are too western and liberal, are too strict and religious, are drinkers,
womanizers and drug users, are looking for casual sexual encounters or are
too feminine and not manly enough. On the other hand, great Muslim men
are struggling to find Muslim women who possess a joint combination of
these five traits: being beautiful, practicing, educated, kind and interesting.
It was found during my research that men are more likely to compromise on
education if the other four traits are present and if the woman isnt
excessively feminist. Many men have complained that some impressive
women have put them off pursuing them for marriage because their feminist
views were too strong. A Muslim man with the correct understanding of
Islam will know and accept the rights that women are entitled to, but when
he feels that a woman is too western in her understanding and practicing of
feminism that may go against his cultural values or teachings of Islam, he
loses interest. Good men are attracted to feminine women who know their
rights but allow men to thrive as leaders, protectors and providers.
However, good men can also fall into the trap of getting involved with
narcissistic women who harbour an abyss of mental health issues that they
haven’t healed or recovered from.
For those who don’t know, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a
psychological and spiritual disorder in which the ego and its evil desires
rule over an individual at the expense of their faith, morals and values,
instead of the other way around (as Muslims, we’re meant to be in control
of our ego and desires). Narcissism is usually rooted in childhood and the
unhealthy family environment in which a child has been raised. People with
this disorder are known to be selfish, arrogant, destructive, liars and
manipulative. Human beings all possess narcissistic traits, but there are
different levels of narcissism. Those in the lowest level have negative
thoughts, but don’t act upon or express them to others. For example, they
may secretly feel resentment towards someone or believe they’re much
better or more pious than others. If left untreated, this can escalate to
thoughts turning into actions, such as revenge, lies, verbal abuse and
disrespect. On the most extreme and dangerous end of the scale, narcissism,
with time, can turn people into sociopaths and psychopaths and cause them
to commit horrific crimes, such as physical violence and even murder.
Narcissism often gets confused with self-love, self-confidence and self-
admiration, but there’s a big difference between healthy self-love and toxic
self-centeredness. Self-love is all about loving and caring for yourself,
which leads to a healthy mindset and environment to live in, while
narcissism consists of highly toxic traits that fuel a negative mindset and
environment for narcissists and those who come into contact with them.
The core difference between a narcissist and someone who just has some
narcissistic traits is the presence of empathy. A narcissist’s personality is
void of empathy and is developed around strong narcissistic traits so he or
she can survive in the social world, whereas others hold a level of empathy
that allows them to be aware of their negative behaviour and the feelings of
others. Narcissists are very attracted to people who have high levels of
empathy, as they know or assume that they will be able to manipulate them
emotionally. These people are often co-dependents who are impressed by
the narcissist’s exterior (good looks, wealth and/or status) and hope to fix
and save them from their emotional brokenness. Co-dependency is another
personality disorder that is developed from childhood and causes an
individual to completely depend on a narcissist for validation, love, self-
worth, admiration and other egoistic needs. They obtain their value as
human beings by attempting to be ‘the heroes’ who change the narcissists
and their lives for the better. However, when the two come together, they
create a highly toxic and turbulent relationship, as they feed of each other’s
issues and insecurities. A typical scenario would be a co-dependent making
the efforts to heal and love a narcissist who has recently been through a
difficult divorce and the narcissist using him or her as a convenient
distraction and re-bound in return. Unfortunately, the millennial generation
is witnessing a fast rise in the number of young Muslims with narcissistic
personalities and co-dependent needs. I truly believe that the strong and
normalised emergence of disorders among us is a primary reason behind the
decrease of marriages, dysfunctional families and increase in divorces.
My deep interest in Islamic psychology and personality disorders in
Muslim communities stemmed from my doctorate study at Kingston
University (London), entitled “British Muslim Converts: An Investigation
into Conversion and De-Conversion Processes to and from Islam” that was
published in 2016. The study is about why some British converts leave
Islam after experiencing life as a Muslim and why the behaviour, faith and
identity of Muslims has drastically changed over the last few decades, as
our countries and societies become more secular. Many women claimed that
the reason they wanted to leave Islam was the abuse they received from
their outwardly practicing Muslim husbands, whom they expected to find
help, support and knowledge from during their conversion journeys.
Instead, the men used misinterpreted Qur’an verses and quotes by The
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) to justify their possessiveness,
control and unwarranted authority, which caused these women to
experience not only disappointment, anxiety and depression, but many
doubts that led to a loss of faith in the religion they fell in love with. A
narcissist who presents himself as being religious will often target women
whom he assumes don’t have much knowledge about Islam and their rights.
He will ask various questions to test their level of knowledge before he
chooses who to pursue and who to leave alone. Many new and young
Muslim women, in particular, are impressed by the charm and religious
façade of these men whom they meet online, in mosques and at Islamic
events. However, they’re often abused and taken advantage of because
they’re isolated from unsupportive non-Muslim family members and don’t
have a Muslim community to turn to for help, counselling, guidance and
authentic Islamic knowledge. These men always distort religious teachings
to their advantage and become very obsessive and controlling. They find
ways to avoid fulfilling the Islamic financial rights of wives too, such as
expecting financial contribution from working western women who have
normalised the sharing of financial responsibilities with men in their
culture. Some men, however, may do the opposite and insist that their wives
don’t work, as they wish to be the main breadwinner and control them with
finances.
Narcissism becomes a detrimental problem in society when it’s
associated with Islam. Those who don’t know much about the beautiful and
true meaning of Islam will, unfortunately, perceive it as a barbaric religion
that breeds nations of patriarchal and narcissistic men who use Islamic
teachings to manipulate and abuse the vulnerable people around them.
Negative news and experiences with Muslim narcissists, especially those
involved in domestic violence, to the disgraceful behaviour and hypocrisy
of tyrannical Muslim leaders, all fuel Islamophobia, more hatred towards
outwardly practicing Muslims and an increase in Muslims who wish to
disassociate themselves with Islam and a public Muslim identity. Due to a
lack of knowledge about Islam, many people and victims are made to
believe that abusive behaviour is normal or taught by religion, not knowing
that narcissism is a separate psychological and spiritual problem found in
people of all faiths. As a result, many converts who endured a string of
negative experiences or failed expectations of the benefits that they had
anticipated to receive from being Muslims, reverted to their previous
religion, explored another religion, or became atheists and/or anti-Islam
whistle-blowers. After I completed my research (I was also experiencing
narcissistic abuse during that period of time in my marriage) I decided to
offer counselling services to help men and women who were thinking of
leaving Islam and/or had been through religious, emotional and spiritual
abuse at the hands of Muslim narcissists. The more people I spoke to over
the years, the more I realised how dangerous this disorder is, as some
people reached a point where they felt mentally destroyed and became
suicidal. It pains me to see pure-hearted, beautiful, intelligent and kind
Muslims repeatedly become victims to abusers due to a lack of Islamic
knowledge and awareness of narcissism or remain unmarried into their
thirties and forties because they can’t find suitable partners. It also saddens
me to see suicidal Muslims who feel trapped by their narcissism and believe
there’s no hope for repentance and reform, which only makes their
behaviour worse. All of these problems make narcissism a crucial subject to
address, explore and find solutions to, as the consequences of it reach far
and wide and are affecting our Ummah (global Muslim community).
This book is for anyone who wants to understand narcissism from an
Islamic viewpoint, has come across Muslim narcissists in their lives, is
currently in relationships with them, or is struggling to overcome and heal
from their traumatic experiences. It begins by establishing a solid
foundation of essential Islamic teachings to explain what narcissism is and
how it’s a problematic combination with a Muslim identity that’s meant to
be empathic, moral and kind. All human beings suffer from spiritual and
mental health issues, but some issues, such as worrying about mundane
things, are considered to be minor and others, such as suicidal thoughts and
harming others, are considered to be major. In this book, I will take you on
an educational journey to show you how I extracted my understanding of
Islam’s guidance on spiritual and mental health problems and how it can be
implemented in our lives. The book will also identify and differentiate
patriarchal attitudes and cultures from some religious teachings Muslim
narcissists misinterpret and take out of context to justify their problematic
attitudes and behaviour towards others.
There are many wonderful people in our societies who are excellent
examples of how Muslims should be, but due to a lack of awareness of
narcissism and support from friends and family members, who may
themselves be in toxic relationships, they’re likely to get involved with
narcissists on a personal level, because they have a moral and empathic
desire to help them. Healed, healthy and spiritual Muslim empaths on the
other hand who are aware of narcissists usually find partners similar to
themselves within their social circles and local communities. These people
are in the minority group of Muslims and tend to keep themselves busy with
community work, taking care of elderly parents or advancing in their
careers. They don’t often find the time to register on apps and talk to
multiple people for marriage, which is why they’re more likely to get
introduced to potential partners in an organic way via their caring family
members and friends who wish to see them happily married to good people.
Therefore, it can be argued that the majority of people registered on
marriage apps don’t fall into this category of Muslims.
In this book, I share my personal opinions and the lessons I learned from
counselling children and adult empaths, co-dependents and narcissists. I
wholeheartedly believe that my own experience of being married to a
narcissist opened my eyes to the disorder and has helped me to better
understand those who come to me for help. Finding out why we are the way
we are, why we experience repeated hardships and why we attract abusers
into our lives is the first step in the healing process. This book will help you
identify the traits, characteristics, body language and attitudes of Muslim
narcissists from the first meeting so that you can avoid a toxic relationship
and focus on thriving as free and happy human beings. If you’re currently
in relationships with them it will guide you to deal with them in a safe and
smart manner and will teach you how to break the toxic cycle and heal from
narcissism. I believe this book will also be highly beneficial to those who
can find the strength to do some self-reflection and recognize the narcissism
within themselves, as it will provide critical insight into where their issues
are rooted and how they can work on healing and improving themselves as
people and as Muslims. If every reader benefits from it, then it will have
fulfilled its purpose by increasing the number of aware, healed and
wonderful Muslims in our communities and decreasing the number of
people with major mental health problems, divorces, domestic violence
cases and children who are born and raised in toxic households.
2. Who is a Muslim?
Narcissism is a personality disorder that greatly conflicts with the pure

nature of a Muslim who is meant to follow Islamic guidance that teaches us
how to be empathic, loving and compassionate. So, how do many practicing
Muslims develop narcissistic personalities? Before we dive into the reasons
behind this disorder, it’s important to know what’s required from someone
to be physically, morally and spiritually identified as a Muslim first. You
may be a non-Muslim reader, so this section will educate you if you don’t
know much about Islam, or you may be a Muslim reader for whom this
section will be an important reminder. This chapter will serve as the main
foundation of the book and will help you to make sense of the rest of it.
In Arabic, the word Muslim means, ‘one who [willingly] surrenders to
God’ and Islam means, ‘peace’. Therefore, a Muslim is an individual who
surrenders in peace to a religion of peace. No one is permitted to force or
pressurise anyone to convert to Islam; it has to be the personal choice of an
individual based on their own intellect and beliefs, so that their intentions
and surrender are genuine and accepted by Allah (The Arabic name for ‘The
One God’, as mentioned in The Qur’an). The primary reason for this is to
eliminate or decrease the number of people who join the faith as hypocrites
(people who pretend to believe, who surrender by force or who convert for
some benefit, such as to marry a Muslim), which can harm Muslim
societies. An example of the harm it can cause is Muslim children not being
raised by believing parents.
“Let there be no compulsion in religion, for the truth stands out clearly
from falsehood. So, whoever renounces false gods and believes in Allah has
certainly grasped the firmest, unfailing hand-hold. And Allah is All-
Hearing, All-Knowing.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Baqarah: 256)
According to the Hadiths (authentic sayings by The Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) that were narrated by his family members, companions and people
he came into contact with), prominent Islamic scholars, such as Ibn
Hibbaan, found that God sent thousands of prophets to convey His Divine
Message of monotheism to their people. Only twenty-five of them are
mentioned in The Qur’an, each with their own important and unique stories
and lessons that God wants to teach us. The chosen prophets were all
ordinary people who served as great role models by meeting the highest
standards of character and morality. The last of this prophethood was given
to our beloved messenger, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).
“Say, [O Prophet], ‘O humanity! I am Allah’s Messenger to you all. To Him
[alone] belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. There is no God
worthy of worship except Him. He gives life and causes death. So, believe
in Allah and His Messenger, the [illiterate] Prophet, who believes in Allah
and His revelations. And follow him, so you may be [rightly] guided.’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-A’raf: 158)
God didn’t command the prophets to force people to believe. Their
mission was only to convey to their people what had been revealed to them.
God sent revelations, Divine signs and many miracles to help people
believe.
“We have not sent a messenger except in the language of his people to
clarify [the message] for them. Then Allah leaves whoever He wills to stray
and guides whoever He wills. And He is the Almighty, All-Wise.”
(Al-Qur’an, Ibrahim: 4)
During the lifetime of the prophets, people had the advantage of
witnessing first-hand the miracles of God, such as the splitting of the moon
during the lifetime of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). This was a significant
incident that was narrated by some of his companions (ra - radi Allah anhu
[may God be pleased with him/them] - this is said out of respect when any
of The Prophet’s (pbuh) companions and family members are mentioned):
Anas Ibn Malik (ra), Abdullah Ibn Abbas (ra) and Abdullah Ibn Umar (ra)
who said that some polytheists (Walid ibn Mughira, Abu Jahl and others)
from the mighty tribe of Quraish in Makkah said to the Prophet (pbuh):
“If you truly are a prophet that has been appointed by Allah, then split
the moon in half. Let it be in such a way that one half will appear over
Mount Abu Qubais and the other half will be seen over Mount Quayqian.”
The Prophet (pbuh) asked: “If I do it, will you become Muslims?” The
polytheists answered: “Yes, we will.” On the fourteenth night, when it was a
full moon, the Prophet (pbuh) asked God in prayer to give him the miracle,
which the polytheists demanded from him. When Angel Gabriel (Jibreel)
(as – alayhi alsalam (may peace be upon him) – this is said out of respect
when Jibreel and other prophets are mentioned) informed the Prophet
(pbuh) that God had accepted his prayer, he announced it to the people of
Makkah and they witnessed the splitting of the moon on the same
night. However, when it was complete, the disbelievers said “This is a
prevalent magic! Muhammad has affected the sky with his spell!” They
remained arrogant in their ignorance and denied the truth (Sahih Al-
Bukhari, 3868).
Due to the difficulties the prophets experienced trying to convince their
people that only One God exists and that they should believe in Him,
(despite the miracles they witnessed), The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
informed his companions that some of the most beloved people to God will
be those who will be born after his death until The Last Day. He said these
people are special, as they will believe in his message without being in his
presence or witnessing the miracles that his people had the privilege of
seeing. I gave the example of this particular event to explain that the status
of a believing Muslim today, especially one who lives in a western society
surrounded by spiritual trials of all kinds, will be high with God in The
Hereafter. The ultimate goal of a Muslim should be to return to God in the
purest form of faith so he or she can enter Paradise, the eternal spiritual
home of the believers.
“Surely to Allah we belong and to Him we will [all] return.”
Islam teaches us that all babies are born pure and free of sin, in a natural
state of being known as the fitrah (natural human inclination to God and
purity) that causes one’s subconscious to lean towards a spiritual belief in
God, even if they don’t follow a religion. It is the reason why many people
tend to search for a higher and greater being that they can seek comfort in.
Humans have a natural need to submit to a greater power, even if they
weren’t raised within a religious household. It was found in many studies
that this is one of the biggest factors that drive people towards a religious
conversion journey in their search for the truth.
This leads us to the five pillars of Islam that people must accept and
implement in their lives in order to become practicing Muslims.
1. The Shahadah: ‫أﺷﮭﺪ أن ﻻ إﻟﮫ إﻻﱠ ﷲ و أﺷﮭﺪ أن ﻣﺤﻤﺪ رﺳﻮل ﷲ‬

Transliteration: La ilaha illa-llah Muhammadu-rasool-Allah
Translation: I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and
Muhammad (pbuh) is the last messenger of God).
This is the sincere declaration and profession of faith someone
needs to say to accept Islam. A Muslim needs to firmly believe in
these two statements and they should govern each and every action in
his or her life. The association of God with other partners, sons and
deities that are worshipped and compared to Him is considered to be
the highest form of sin in Islam (shirk). Islam also emphasizes on
Muhammad (pbuh) being the last messenger, as he was the last person
to perfect the religion and preach it to the world in its complete and
true form. Many people appeared after his death falsely claiming to be
prophets sent by God. They started to distort the original word of God
to suit their agendas and created their own religions. The shahadah in
its entirety is a declaration that God’s law will come above all others
and the abandonment of it or the prioritization of other laws above
God’s law leads to shirk, because only the laws of our Creator can
ensure that justice is practiced in all aspects of our lives.
2. The Five Daily Prayers:
“So, glorify the praises of your Lord and be one of those who
[always] pray.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Hijr: 98)
The five daily prayers are a compulsory form of worship that
spiritually connect a Muslim to God. They give us an opportunity
during different times of the day to seek forgiveness, comfort and
guidance. The prayers are: Fajr (dawn), Dhuhr (early afternoon), Asr
(late afternoon), Maghrib (post-sunset) and Isha (before midnight). A
Muslim must prepare for each prayer by following a washing ritual
(wudu) to be purified when connecting to God and face the direction of
The Kaa’ba (The symbolic House of God that was built by Prophet
Abraham (as) and his son Prophet Ismail (as), which is situated in
Islam’s holiest city of Makkah in Saudi Arabia). Uthman Ibn Affan
(ra), reported that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“If a Muslim performs ablution and does it well and offers prayer,
all his or her (sins) during the period from one prayer to another
would be forgiven by Allah.”
(Sahih Muslim, 227)
The beauty of the five prayers is that they allow us to touch base
with our Creator during our busy lives. We may sometimes forget God
and our purpose in life and the prayers help us to re-centre ourselves
and renew our intentions. When we prostrate, which is the positioning
of the body while praying that brings us closest to Him, it affirms our
belief that God is greater than the worldly problems we’re facing.
Prayer teaches us humility, patience, gratitude and complete surrender
to The Creator. Other than the spiritual benefits, daily prayers are
beneficial for our mental and emotional health too. They teach us self-
discipline and commitment and allow us to find inner peace knowing
that all our affairs are being looked after by God. They’re also a
constant reminder of right and wrong, as we recite parts of The Qur’an
during the prayers. Those who offer extra voluntary prayers in private
advance in their spirituality, reward and love for God.
3. Paying Zakat:
Muslims are obligated to give 2.5% of their disposable wealth each
year to help other Muslims who are in need. Assets that are included in
the Zakat calculation are cash, shares, pensions, business goods,
income from property investments, gold and silver. Zakat is considered
to be a spiritual duty and a vital part of the Islamic social welfare
system that benefits the whole community. Giving charity is the best
way of reducing the trials and hardships that are meant to come our
way.
“Give charity without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity.”
(Mishkat Al-Masabih, 1887)
Abu Hurairah (ra) narrated that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“When you pay the Zakat, you have fulfilled what is required of
you.”
(Sunan Al-Tirmidhi, 618)
Extra acts of charity are considered as sadaqah and can be offered in
different ways. They can be in the form of helping someone in need,
feeding a family, passing on valuable knowledge and even by showing
kindness or smiling at others.
“The believer’s shade on The Day of Resurrection will be his
charity.”
(Mishkat Al-Masabih, 1925)
Giving back to society is a way of showing gratitude to God for
what He gave us and makes us happy. Knowing that we’ve helped to
change someone’s life for the better is priceless and the blessings we
receive in return are worth much more than our material possessions in
this world. Pure and true charity is charity given for the sake of
pleasing God and attaining His rewards and not for something in return
from the recipient, such as an expected favour in the future. When
charity is given with the expectation of receiving something back from
the recipient (or someone else) one day, the rewards for charity are
withheld by God, as it now becomes a business deal. It is a heavy sin
to show off with charitable acts to look good and/or remind people of
the help you gave them, even as a joke, as it harms the dignity of those
in need who will feel burdened and obliged to give back something in
return.
“Those who spend their wealth in the way of Allah, then do not
make their spending followed by boasting about favour, or with
causing hurt, they have their reward with their Lord and there is no
fear for them nor shall they grieve.”
No one will taste the sweetness of charity until it’s given in private
with pure intentions and with the knowledge that the recipient is
unable to pay us back or offer any favours. The private prayers of the
less fortunate people we help will be a source of great relief for us
from the trials in The Hereafter.
4. Fasting the month of Ramadan:
The obligatory fasting from dusk to dawn during Ramadan (the
ninth month of the Islamic lunar calendar) has many spiritual and
health benefits. It is a much-needed time for Muslims to reconnect
with their spirituality and with God. As a month of reflection, it helps
us evaluate the year that has passed and gives us an opportunity to
acknowledge improvements and changes that need to be made, such as
seeking forgiveness, abandoning sins, forgiving those who hurt us and
resuming relationships with good people.
Ramadan is also a great detox for the body and helps to improve the
immune system. It aids in regulating mental clarity, hormones,
metabolism, weight loss, blood pressure, blood sugar levels and brain
function amongst many other things. The best days to offer charity are
during the month of Ramadan, as the reward of a fasting person
performing good deeds are multiplied immensely. Ramadan also
includes the holy night of Laylatul Qadr (The Night of Divine
Decree), which is an unknown night found in the odd nights of the last
ten days of the month (21,23,25,27 and 29). We aren’t told which night
it falls on, to encourage us to make greater efforts during all the nights
of Ramadan, especially the last ten, so that we can reap the rewards of
our good deeds and acts of worship. Fasting and praying on this
particular night is worth the rewards of worship of one thousand
months. It is a night when Angel Jibreel (as) descends with other
angels to listen to the prayers of those who are fasting and ask God to
bless and forgive them. Abu Hurairah (ra) narrated that The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Whoever observes fasts during the month of Ramadan out of
sincere faith and hoping to attain Allah’s rewards, then all his past sins
will be forgiven.”
(Sahih Al-Bukhari, 38)
As with prayers, Muslims who voluntarily fast during the rest of the
year will earn a higher reward. Giving up the pleasures and
distractions of food to focus on worship helps us to abstain from many
sins, as our energy levels are lowered. It is so special to God that He
has assigned a unique and larger reward for it. Abu Hurairah (ra)
narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) informed them of this
message from God:
“For every good deed that the son of Adam does, he will have [the
reward of] ten the like thereof, except for fasting. It is for Me and I
shall reward for it.”
(Al-Nasa’i, 2219)
Abu Hurairah (ra) also narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
said:
“Deeds are presented every Monday and Thursday and I love that
my deeds be presented while I am fasting.”
According to this Hadith, it’s recommended that voluntary fasts are
offered on Mondays and Thursdays for maximum blessings. Fasting in
Islam doesn’t solely mean the abstinence from food and drink, but also
sins and general wrongdoing. The primary objective of fasting is to
help us reach the purest form of piety and connect with God in a better
way. Someone who abstains from food and drink but gossips, lies,
deceives, doesn’t pray, treats their family members badly and easily
gets angry hasn’t understood the purpose of fasting, especially when
it’s voluntary.
5. Performing The Hajj (Pilgrimage):
This is the last pillar of Islam and is a religious pilgrimage to
Makkah (Saudi Arabia). Performing Hajj is a mandatory act of
worship for all financially and physically capable adult Muslims at
least once in their lives. The pilgrimage rituals last for five days and
take place in the twelfth Islamic lunar month of Dhul-Hijjah. This
pilgrimage has been decreed to encourage the bonds of Muslim
brotherhood by showing that everyone is equal in the eyes of God
regardless of their social status, wealth, race, culture and ethnicity.
Everyone is required to wear the same ihram (simple white unstitched
clothing for men and loose white modest clothing for women) and by
doing so, one wouldn’t be able to differentiate between the rich and the
poor. This is the sense of equality that Islam propagates through ihram.
Performing Hajj with the sincere intention to repent and please God
will erase all the sins of an individual, even if they were as great as a
mountain.
Abu Hurairah (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
said:
“He who came to this House (Kaa’ba) [with the intention of
performing Pilgrimage] and neither spoke indecently nor acted
wickedly, would return [free from sin] as on the [very first day] his
mother bore him.”
(Sahih Muslim, 1350)
There are exceptions and flexible rulings regarding the prayers and
fasting for those who are unable to fulfil these obligations. They’re
those who are too ill to fast, who are physically incapable of
performing the prayer rituals, who need to join the daily prayers
because of time differences when travelling that make it difficult to
pray on time and who can’t afford to go on the pilgrimage. Women are
also exempted from praying and fasting during their menstrual cycle,
as breastfeeding mothers and during the forty days of post-natal
bleeding. Those who can’t fast during Ramadan but are able to
afterwards are required to make up for the missed days by fasting them
later. If someone believes that he or she won’t be able to make up the
missed fasts at a later date, due to a difficult illness, for example, then
a fidya is required, which is the act of feeding a poor fasting person for
every missed day in Ramadan, so they can get the reward of fasting
too. So, if you miss six days for example, then you’ll need to provide
someone with money for a meal to break their fast with over a period
of six days. If you don’t know anyone in need, this can be given as a
donation via trusted Muslim charities that charge approximately five
pounds per meal. The prayers, however, don’t need to be compensated
for in special cases, such as when a woman is having a menstrual
cycle. A Muslim who is unable to pray for justified reasons may offer
voluntary charity out of free will to gain more rewards. This flexibility
is from the compassion and mercy of God who wants us to find the
implementation of Islam easy in our daily lives.
Aside from the five pillars of Islam, Islam also has six pillars of
iman (faith/belief). A person needs to accept these too in order to
complete his or her identity as both a practicing and believing Muslim.
“And those who believe and do good will be the residents of
Paradise. They will be there forever.”
In Islam, iman means to affirm something and comply with it in
actions. It’s not enough to just believe if our actions don’t confirm that.
For example, a Muslim may say he or she believes in The Day of
Judgement, but continues to oppress and harm others.
“And there are some who say, ‘We believe in Allah and The Last
Day’, yet they are not [true] believers.”
The Six Pillars of Faith are:

1. Belief in Allah:
“Say, [O Muhammad], ‘He is Allah, [Who is] One.’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Ikhlas: 1)
A Muslim must believe that there’s only One God and no one is
worthy of worship except Him. Everything we do should be done with
the intention of prioritising and pleasing God and complying with His
laws, even if it doesn’t please others and the society we live in. An
example of this would be to not sell prohibited food and alcoholic
drinks in a restaurant, despite it being good for business.
2. Belief in Angels:
The angels were created before humans for the sole purpose of
worshipping God. Angels are created from light and aren’t given the
free will to do as they please. They’re pure and free from all worldly
needs and desires and enjoy spending their time serving God and
glorifying Him. Each angel is assigned to a rank and an important duty
(i.e., protecting people, changing the weather, taking souls and writing
people’s deeds). The greatest, most powerful angel is Angel Jibreel
(as), who is the closest to God and was in charge of delivering the
message of monotheism to all the prophets.
“All praise is for Allah, the Originator of the heavens and the earth,
Who made angels [as His] messengers with wings - two, three, or four.
He increases in creation whatever He wills. Surely Allah is Most
Capable of everything.”
(Al-Qur’an, Fatir: 1)
It is also important to believe in the existence of the jinn. The literal
meaning of the word ‘jinn’ is ‘something that is concealed or hidden
from sight.’ They’re created from smokeless fire and are hidden from
the sight of humans. The most prominent being from the jinn is Satan.
“And He created jinn from a [smokeless] flame of fire.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Rahman: 15)
The purpose of life for the jinn is not very different from humans, as
God has created them too for worship. They’re commanded to do good
deeds just as humans are and should also abstain from evil and
wrongdoing.
“I did not create jinn and humans except to worship Me.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Dhariyat: 56)
The jinn, who were created before humans, used to be the Khalifahs
(rulers or caretakers) of this earth before us, but they were impulsive,
short-tempered and created a lot of havoc. There are Muslim and non-
Muslim jinn, believers and non-believers, some good, some sinful and
some evil. They will also be accountable for their actions on
Judgement Day.
In the beautiful YouTube series, ‘Angels in Your Presence’ (Episode
1), Imam Omar Suleiman teaches us that we have two guardian angels,
one in front of us and one behind us, who protect us from harm and
another two angels, one on our right and one on our left that record our
good and bad deeds. Contrary to this and out of God’s mercy, there’s
only one devil from the jinn with us that whispers evil thoughts into
our minds and tempts us with sins. It knows how to ignite and feed our
egos to lead us astray and so we need to regularly ask God for His
protection against it. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“There is none amongst you with whom there is not a qareen
[constant companion from amongst the jinn devils]. They [the
Companions] said: ‘Allah’s Messenger, with you too?’ Thereupon he
said: ‘Yes, but Allah helps me against him and so I am safe from his
hand and he does not command me but for good.’”
A believing Muslim jinni was exclusively appointed to The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) to help him during his prophethood, as his mission
was exceptionally heavy. As for everyone else, the only time our
protecting angels step away from us is when God asks them to, so that
we learn a valuable lesson about the consequences of being
unprotected when we neglect our relationship with God.
3. Belief in the Books of God:
God sent His message in the form of books to only some of the
prophets. These books reiterated the Oneness of God and served as a
means of moral and social guidance to mankind.
They are: The Scrolls (Sohof), that God revealed to Prophet
Abraham (Ibrahim) (as), The Psalms (Zaboor) that God revealed to
Prophet David (Dawud) (as), The Torah (Al Torah) that God revealed
to Prophet Moses (Musa) (as), The Bible (Injeel) that God revealed to
Prophet Jesus (Isa) (as) and The Qur’an that God revealed to the last
prophet, Muhammad (pbuh), which is considered to be the final,
updated and perfected version of all the previous books.
“…And say [O Muhammad], ‘I believe in every Scripture Allah has
revealed. And I am commanded to judge fairly among you. Allah is our
Lord and your Lord...’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Shura: 15)
4. Belief in the Prophets of God and that Muhammad (pbuh) is
the last of them:
Most of the messengers of God were sent to a specific nation and
were given religious teachings suitable for their surroundings.
“We surely sent a messenger to every community, saying, ‘Worship
Allah and shun false gods.’ But some of them were guided by Allah,
while others were destined to stray. So, travel throughout the land and
see the fate of the deniers!”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Nahl: 36)
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), however, was sent to guide all of
mankind until The Day of Judgement.
“We have sent you [O Muhammad] only as a deliverer of good news
and a warner to all of humanity, but most people do not know.”
(Al-Qur’an, Saba: 28)
Therefore, a true believer loves the Prophet (pbuh), as he was
chosen by God to be His final messenger due to his perfect manners
and character. Even before receiving prophethood, Muhammad (pbuh)
was known in Makkah as ‘Al Amin’, meaning, ‘The most trustworthy
one’. He always practiced kindness, charity, deep wisdom and morality
in his interactions with people. However, when he conveyed the
message of monotheism to his people, the prominent leaders within the
community refused to follow him. One of the biggest inhibitions they
had was the belief that their power and status would be compromised.
Members of the Quraish tribe had no sense of equality and they
strongly believed in a class system and elitism. Since the majority of
the followers of The Prophet (pbuh) were from the weaker sections of
society, such as the slaves, they mocked him and rejected his message
out of arrogance, even though they knew him to be pious and honest.
Islam was sent to Makkah to demolish oppressive systems of prejudice
and slavery and maintain an environment of justice and common
brotherhood.
Uqbah Ibn Amir (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
said:
“No one is better than anyone else, except by good deeds and piety.”
(Shu’ab Al-Iman, 4767)
By following in the footsteps and guidance of The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) you will not only be proving your love for him but
you will also attain the love of God, because He loves The Prophet
(pbuh) so much.
“Say [O Muhammad]: ‘If you really love Allah, then follow me and
Allah shall love you and forgive you your sins. Allah is Most-
Forgiving, Very-Merciful.’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Imran: 31)
5. Belief in The Day of Judgement:
God emphasizes on the reality and severity of The Day of
Judgement frequently in The Qur’an. As Muslims, it’s crucial that we
believe in it, as it will be The Day when everyone will be resurrected
and questioned about their deeds, actions, beliefs, injustices and
crimes. On That Day everyone will receive their due punishments for
the things they believed they got away with in this life, their due rights
from those who oppressed and mistreated them and their rewards for
all the good they did. It will be The Day of complete justice and
recompense.
“We will set up the scales of justice on The Day of Judgement, so no
soul will be wronged in the least. And [even] if a deed is the weight of
a mustard seed, We will bring it forth. And sufficient are We as a
[vigilant] Reckoner.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Anbiya: 47)
Regularly remembering The Day of Judgement helps us to be
careful and humble. It reminds us to give everyone their due rights, to
act morally and to seek forgiveness for our mistakes from God and the
people we have hurt. Those who don’t seek forgiveness before they die
will have to face their mistakes in The Hereafter.
“Allah only accepts the repentance of those who commit evil
ignorantly [or recklessly] then repent soon after - Allah will pardon
them. And Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Nisaa: 17)
6. Belief in God’s Divine Decree and that everything happens
according to His will:
The Qadaa (the decree and guarantee that every creature in this world
shall die) and Qadr (Divine decree) are important elements of Islam that we
have to believe in, as it affirms that God has created everything and
foreordained its outcome. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“No one truly believes until they believe in four things: in Allah alone with
no partner; that I am the Messenger of Allah; in the resurrection after death
and in The Divine Decree.”
(Sunan Ibn Majah, 81)
However, our actions and desire for a specific outcome in life can change
our Divine Decree. If a person wants good in life, praying to God regularly
and sincerely and making efforts for it can change their preordained destiny.
It was narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“…Nothing averts the Divine Decree but supplication.”
One of the greatest blessings of faith is that everything God decrees and
allows for believers, whether in ease or hardship, will be good for them.
Suhaib (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair and this
is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer, for if they
have an occasion to feel delight, they thank God, thus there is good for them
in it and if they get into troubles and show surrender (and endure it
patiently), there is good for them in it.”
According to Islam, believers should surrender and submit all of their
affairs to God, as only He knows the unseen and what’s best for them.
“…And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He [alone] is sufficient for
them. Certainly, Allah achieves His Will. Allah has already set a destiny for
everything...”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Talaq: 3)
The Difference Between Our Duties to God and

Our Duties to People
In the previous section that defined the identity of a Muslim, I explained
what God has commanded in regards to our beliefs and worship rituals. The
five pillars of Islam and six pillars of faith constitute the rights of God over
us. However, it’s important to know and separate Haq Allah (the rights of
God) from Haq al Ibaad (the rights of people) because even though they’re
interrelated in this world, they will be looked at separately on The Day of
Judgement. Fulfilling our obligations towards God is our primary objective,
but God has also made it an obligation on us to fulfil the rights of everyone
around us to complete our faith as Muslims. Islam stipulates different types
of moral rights and duties on Muslims towards each other so we can live in
harmony. For example, The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Whoever believes in Allah and The Last Day, should not hurt his
neighbour and whoever believes in Allah and The Last Day, should serve
his guest generously and whoever believes in Allah and The Last Day,
should speak what is good or stay silent.”
We may find at times that we get involved in backbiting, gossiping,
spreading lies and rumours and causing distress to others unintentionally,
which is why this Hadith emphasizes on one’s true belief of The Last Day
and how that will help a Muslim make more efforts to avoid oppressing and
transgressing against the rights and boundaries of others. There are many
verses in The Qur’an and several Hadiths to remind us about the importance
of That Day when people will be given the opportunity to take their rights
from those who wronged them. In regards to the rights of God, He will
judge us based on our intentions and He may forgive us if we were sincere
in repentance. Say you missed a few prayers, or missed a few days of
fasting in Ramadan, as long as it was between you and God and no one else
was harmed, encouraged to sin or became distressed during the process of
you committing that sin then we should be hopeful in God’s mercy and
repent sincerely.
“Say, [O Muhammad], that Allah says, ‘O My servants who have exceeded
the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah
certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Zumar: 53)
However, if we commit sins that lead to harming and influencing others,
then it becomes a transgression against the rights of people. For example, a
drunken man who arrives at his home intoxicated and is aggressive and
abusive to his family has not only disobeyed God and committed a sin by
consuming something forbidden, but has also caused hurt and oppression to
others as a result of it. Other examples are people who abandon their
children and responsibilities, who take their anger out on others and who
commit adultery. The sin of adultery is becoming a highly problematic one
in our societies. It could remain a secret between an individual and God if
they repent, however, if the affair gets exposed and/or they pass on an STD
to their partner, then they have transgressed against their rights too. In some
cases, for example, a married man is pursued persistently by a woman for
an unlawful relationship that can lead him to fall into sin unintentionally. In
this scenario, the man is accountable for the hurt and pain he will cause to
his wife and family because he didn’t remove himself from the environment
and company of people that weren’t good for him. A Muslim is bound by a
contract of loyalty and responsibility towards his or her spouse and they’re
meant to be a source of security and comfort for each other. The excuse that
they weren’t the ones to initiate such contact or that they slipped mistakenly
doesn’t hold credibility here because they should have placed strong
boundaries with others. The punishment of adultery is harsher than the
punishment of fornication because God has blessed the adulterer with a
lawful spouse, whereas the fornicator is an unmarried individual who isn’t
oppressing anyone other than him or herself in the process of disobeying
God. However, if the sin of fornication is committed as a result of
deception, for example, in the case of a man encouraging a woman to sin
with false promises of marriage, then he will have violated her rights,
especially if she’s a Muslim.
“…Help each other in righteousness and piety and do not help each other
in sin and aggression. Fear Allah. Surely, Allah is severe at punishment.”
(Al-Quran, Al-Ma’idah: 2)
The violation of contracts via deception, such as marriage contracts, debt
contracts, business contracts and rental contracts is first and foremost a
violation of an individual’s contract with God in which they agreed to be a
practicing and believing Muslim who takes care of and honours those under
their care and trust. It is a display of ingratitude, as God has clearly stated
that if someone is unable to honour the contract he or she has agreed to,
then it’s better for their reputation, faith and status as a pious Muslim to end
the contract instead of deceiving people and committing further sins, which
will result in punishment. Abusing God’s creations instead of honouring
them expresses a despicable act of disrespect and arrogance towards The
Creator. In The Qur’an (Al-Mai’dah: 32), God goes as far as to state that if
someone kills a person unlawfully (not in self-defence) then it’s as if
they’ve killed all of mankind. Such a strong statement has been made to
emphasize how precious the human soul is to Him. Even in wars, Muslims
aren’t permitted to torture, starve, beat or terrorize their prisoners, as they’re
also creations of God. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), his companions and
chosen Khalifah’s (early Muslim leaders who ruled after the death of The
Prophet (pbuh)) showed immense generosity and mercy to the prisoners of
war and released them when they were unable to feed, shelter and clothe
them properly.
On The Day of Judgement our good deeds will be our only valuable
possession and God will serve justice by taking any good deeds from the
scales of the oppressors and adding them to the scales of the oppressed. The
oppressed may find that they’re granted entry into Paradise because they
received good deeds from their oppressor(s) to qualify them for it and this
will be the best reward for their patience and hardships. This is why
revenge isn’t encouraged or permitted in Islam, for when someone takes
revenge in this life against oppression, they lose a golden opportunity to be
compensated for it on The Day of Judgement. Believers are requested to
submit their complaints and affairs to God, for He is The best disposer of
affairs and The best Judge. Therefore, it’s better for us to make our peace
with people and settle our debts so that we’re not left with remorse and
regret. The first chosen Khalifah (leader) of Islam after the death of The
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was Abu Bakr Al-Siddique (aka the truthful
one) (ra) and it was narrated that while he was on his deathbed, he told his
sons to pay off any debts he had quickly so that he doesn’t become
accountable for them after he dies. God revealed to The Prophet (pbuh) the
good news of Abu Bakr (ra) being from among the people of Paradise
before he died, yet he was still concerned about his debts to others.
Abdullah bin Umar (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim. So, he should neither oppress
him nor hand him over to an oppressor. And whoever fulfils the needs of his
brother, Allah will fulfil his needs.”
In another narration, The Prophet Muhammed (pbuh) was asked:
“Who is the best Muslim?” He replied, “He is the one from whose hand
and tongue all Muslims are safe.”
These Hadiths emphasize how essential it is to treat people well and that
it’s more important than offering extra voluntary prayers and fasts.
“None of you truly believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes
for himself.”
The purpose of explaining these facets of Islam is to bring forward the
real teachings of religion and differentiate them from problematic
interpretations. I wanted to emphasize on the beauty, peace and message of
brotherhood and sisterhood that is such an integral part of Islam. It is also
important to make it clear that not all Muslims are true representations of
ideal believers, as there’s a large group of ‘nominal’ Muslims, who are
Muslims by name only and don’t have a moral lifestyle, practice the
worship rituals nor believe in the six pillars of faith. This information will
help readers to make sense of the deviations of many Muslims later on in
the book.
The Four Types of Muslims

According to my research and the points mentioned above, I have
categorized Muslims into four types to identify and differentiate them. It
will also be easier for you, if you’re a Muslim reader, to ascertain where
you can place yourself. It is important to be able to identify this, as it will
be explained to you in further chapters how your beliefs, identity and
practicing of Islam has shaped the person you have become, who you attract
into your life, the status of your mental and spiritual health, your
relationship with God and your attitude towards life.
The First Type: Those who perform the rituals and believe in the six
pillars of faith, but don’t act upon their beliefs.
According to my social observations of Muslim behaviour, this group
makes up the majority of practicing Muslims who pray and fast etc., but
their intentions aren’t always pure or for the sake of God. As humans, we
don’t have the ability to know or judge the intentions of people, as only
God knows what’s concealed in the hearts, but I say this group is the most
dominant because if that wasn’t the case, we would be living in a very
different world where most Muslims are true believers and acted morally.
The Islamic Golden Age (7th century to the 13th century) is prime example
of a time when our Ummah greatly flourished because a large number of
Muslims acted on their beliefs and prioritised pleasing God in everything
they did. As a result, God rewarded them with wealth, knowledge, power,
status and strength and the world held them in awe. Today, it’s common to
see many Muslims performing the worship rituals out of cultural or
traditional habit and without attaching much sincerity to them. Ramadan,
for example, is more commonly being perceived as a cultural festival full of
decorations, breakfast feasts, TV dramas and late-night socialising instead
of a quiet spiritual time for greater worship. There are also some people
who only pray after being constantly nagged and forced to do so by their
parents who don’t want to feel that they’ve failed to instil Islamic principles
in their children. These children tend to feel guilty and fear punishment and
disappointment from both their parents and God if they don’t comply. A
large number of Muslims who were taught from childhood that God is harsh
and tyrannical and must be feared, rather than loved as a forgiving, merciful
and compassionate God, grew up feeling resentment that they had to
perform the worship rituals and meet high moral standards to avoid going to
hell. As a result of this mindset and upbringing, it’s highly likely that if they
were given the choice, they wouldn’t live as practicing Muslims at all.
Others pretend to be pious Muslims because they want to socially belong
among their practicing friends or because their society has religious
expectations of them. There are also some people who adopt a ‘pious
Muslim façade’ to show off and get social and personal gains, while others
just do what everyone else is doing without making their own efforts to
seek knowledge and learn about a true Muslim’s qualities. As a result, they
often become confused and struggle to act upon their faith correctly in
public and in private and regularly behave in a non-Islamic manner. For
example, they may be the first in line to offer Friday prayer in the mosque,
but are known to sell drugs and commit fraud, or they may wear a hijab (the
headscarf and modest covering for Muslim women) but are involved in
unlawful relationships. Islam is perfect as a religion, but not all Muslims
reflect that.
The Second Type: Those who don’t perform the worship rituals, but
they accept the five pillars of Islam and the six pillars of faith and act upon
their beliefs from an Islamic moral standpoint.
These people are kind, compassionate, well-mannered, don’t harm
people, polite and highly empathic, but the fact they don’t follow an integral
part of what makes them Muslim is problematic. As discussed earlier, just
accepting and believing isn’t enough; one must act according to them, even
if they believe they’re good people. Therefore, abandoning prayers, not
fasting in Ramadan and not making the effort to go on the pilgrimage,
despite having the finances and health to do so, is a transgression against
the rights of God. These people tend to give various arguments for their
lack of practicing Islam. One such argument is that they can pray to God in
their hearts, instead of in the physical way prescribed by Islam. However,
this is similar to when someone you truly love has asked you to do
something for them to prove your love, but you choose not to because it’s
not convenient for you, doesn’t suit your lifestyle or benefit you in the way
you want. God doesn’t need these favours from us, it’s us who need the
worship rituals as spiritual beings, but God will reward our intentions and
efforts to be close to Him.
“O humanity! It is you who stand in need of Allah, but Allah [alone] is The
Self-Sufficient, Praiseworthy.”
The Third Type: Those who neither believe in nor act upon the five
pillars of Islam and six pillars of faith, but identify as Muslims to avoid
social problems and to save the reputation of their family members, if
they’re practicing Muslims. If their family members are not practicing
Muslims eithers, they will often live away from Muslim communities.
These people are known as Muslims by name only, but the reality is that
they have no connection to Islam. They’re carefree and liberal and neither
defend Islam nor portray it through a moral character. In fact, many of them
are entirely against traditional cultural practices and Islam as a religion, as
they believe it belongs to an ancient era and not the modern world we live
in. Those who believe in the existence of God tend to be more agnostic, as
they don’t believe that they need to follow a religion to be happy and
successful in life. They tend to have non-Islamic lifestyles, dress in a way
that doesn’t reflect their culture, even at traditional events and will
normalise most, if not all sins, such as drinking alcohol and having
unlawful relationships.
The Fourth Type: Those who perform the worship rituals and both
believe and act upon the six pillars of faith.
These people are considered to be the best Muslims, as they’re balanced
and at peace with their Creator and the people around them. They’re
trustworthy, kind and loved by all and have a beautiful spiritual connection
with God. I like to refer to these people as the Muslim supernova empaths.
They’re able to reach high standards of morality, go out of their way to help
others and don’t harm anyone. One of their distinguishing qualities is that
they dedicate their lives and time for the pleasure of God and to bring
goodness to society.
“Righteousness is not in turning your faces towards the east or the west
[qibla]. Rather, the righteous are those who believe in Allah, The Last Day,
the Angels, the Books and the Prophets; who give charity out of their
wealth, in spite of love for it, to relatives, orphans, the poor, [needy]
travellers, beggars and for freeing captives; who establish prayer, pay
Zakat and keep the promises they make; and who are patient in times of
suffering, adversity and during battle. It is they who are true [in faith] and
it is they who are mindful [of Allah].”
These types of Muslims are committed and strong in their faith when
they’re alone, but they operate at their best level when they’re surrounded
by like-minded Muslims, whether they’re family members, spouses,
neighbours or friends.
“The believers, male and female, are friends to each other. They encourage
virtue and forbid evil and establish prayers and pay Zakat and obey Allah
and His Messenger. Those are the ones whom Allah will bless with mercy.
Surely, Allah is Powerful, Wise.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Tawbah: 71)
In these verses, God emphasizes that the best among us are those who
follow the five pillars of Islam, have true belief in the six pillars of faith and
are moral to a high standard. Performing the rituals without faith is
equivalent to not being able to eat a beautifully presented and delicious
plate of food. Therefore, those who enjoy being Muslims will happily
perform the rituals, seek knowledge and regularly read The Qur’an with a
deep-rooted purpose and true love for God.
Now that the different types of Muslims have been identified, we will
move onto the story and identity of the one who challenged God and
promised to corrupt as many believers as possible in his mission – Satan.
You will understand, as you continue reading this book, the importance and
significance of learning about Satan, why he’s our enemy and how he’s able
to destroy us mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically, if we allow
him to.
3. Who is Satan?
Shaytan, Satan, Iblis, or ‘the devil’, is a jinn and was created before
mankind from smokeless fire, unlike the angels who were created from
light. He was very close and obedient to God and spent his time serving and
glorifying Him. Satan was elevated to a high-ranking status among the
angels due to his level of worship and was the guardian of Paradise. God
said to the angels:
“And [remember] when your Lord said to the angels, ‘I am going to create
a human being from clay. So, when I have fashioned him and had a spirit of
My Own [creation] breathed into him, fall down in prostration to him.’”
(Al-Qur’an, Sad: 71-72)
And so begins the story of the creation of Adam (as), the first human
being, the first man, the first prophet and the father of all mankind. God
created Adam (as) from a handful of soil from all the varieties on earth. The
descendants of Adam (as) were to be as diverse as the handful of soil from
which their ancestor was created; all having different appearances, colours,
temperaments and qualities. In The Qur’an, we find that God refers to this
soil as ‘clay’, as it’s mixed with water, moulded into a human being and left
to dry.
From this verse, we can understand that the creation of Adam (as) as a
human being was special to God because He had blown into him from His
own Spirit (Soul) and commanded that the angels honour him. Let’s take a
minute to reflect on this amazing fact. If God breathed into Adam (as) and
we’re all the children of Adam (as), then it means God has granted a portion
of some of His qualities to all of mankind. The names of God are endless,
but He has given us knowledge of ninety-nine names that help us to know
Him and His majestic characteristics. His qualities, such as unimaginable
kindness, mercy and forgiveness are a part of the innate nature of humans as
well, although in a much smaller percentage. The addition of ‘The’ in front
of each attribute below means that God is The Greatest possessor of each of
these traits and no one can surpass Him in these qualities. Through
practicing and nurturing these positive traits, we can establish a closer
connection with God in our mannerisms. Showing kindness and mercy to
God’s creation ensures His mercy towards us in return and brings prosperity
and happiness in our lives. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Those who are merciful, will be shown mercy by The Most Merciful. Be
merciful to those on earth and The One Who is in the Heavens will have
mercy upon you.”
Here’s a list of just twenty-seven of the majestic names and traits of God
that can be found in humans as well:
1 AL-RAHMAAN 1 The Merciful, Beneficent
2 AL-KHALIQ 2 The Creator
3 AL-BAARI 3 The Evolver
4 AL-MUSAWWIR 4 The Fashioner/Designer
5 AL-GHAFFAR 5 The Great Forgiver
6 AL-WAHHAAB 6 The Solver
7 AL-RAZZAAQ 7 The Provider
8 AL-ADL 8 The Utterly Just
9 AL-LATEEF 9 The Most Gentle
10 AL-HALEEM 10 The Most Forbearing
11 AL-ATHEEM 11 The Great
12 AL-GHAFOOR 12 The Forgiver
13 AL-SHAKOOR 13 The Most Appreciative
14 AL-KAREEM 14 The Most Generous, The Most Esteemed
15 AL-HAKEEM 15 The All-Wise
16 AL-WADUD 16 The Most Loving
17 AL-WAKEEL 17 The Trustee, The Disposer of Affairs
18 AL-QAWIYY 18 The All-Strong
19 AL-MATEEN 19 The Firm, The Steadfast
20 AL-WALI 20 The Protector
21 AL-QADEER 21 The Competent One, Satisfier of Needs
22 AL-MUQTADIR 22 The Powerful
23 AL-AFUW 23 The Pardoner
24 AL-RA’OOF 24 The Most Kind
25 AL-MUQSIT 25 The Just One
26 AL-RASHEED 26 The Guide, Infallible Teacher
27 AL-SABOOR 27 The Forbearing, The Patient
God loves for us to call upon Him during prayers with His names, so if
you need provision, call upon Him by the name Al-Razzaq and if you need
forgiveness, call upon Him as Al-Ghaffar.
“Say, [O Prophet], ‘Call upon Allah or call upon the Most Compassionate,
whichever you call, He has The Most Beautiful Names. Do not recite your
prayers too loudly or silently, but seek a way between.’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Israa: 110)
Muslims are also required by God to say ‘Bismi Allahi Al-Rahman Al-
Raheem’ (In The Name of God, The Lord of Mercy, The Eternally
Merciful) before starting any action in their daily lives, such as eating,
driving, exercising and praying. This serves as a regular reminder of God’s
mercy and that He will always be forgiving if we seek forgiveness. Abu
Hurairah (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Allah has one hundred parts of mercy and He has sent only one between
the jinn, mankind, the animals and insects from which they show
compassion and mercy to one another and from which the wild animals
show mercy to their off spring. Allah has kept back ninety-nine parts of
mercy from which He will show to His slaves on The Day of Resurrection.”
(Riyad Al-Saliheen, 420)
When Iblis saw the drying body of Adam (as) before life was breathed
into Him by God, he mocked him and flew in and out of his body, trying to
find what was so special about it. He was consumed by jealousy and
couldn’t accept that this new creation was ‘better’ and ‘more advanced’
than he was.
“And [remember] when We said to the angels, ‘Prostrate before Adam,’ so
they all did, but not Iblis, who was one of the jinn, but he rebelled against
the command of his Lord. Would you then take him and his descendants as
patrons instead of Me, although they are your enemy? What an evil
alternative for the wrongdoers [to choose]!”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Kahf: 50)
“Allah asked, ‘O Iblis! What is the matter with you that you did not join the
angels in prostration?’ He replied, ‘It is not for me to prostrate to a human
You created from clay moulded from black mud.’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Hijr: 32-33)
“Allah asked, ‘What prevented you from prostrating when I commanded
you?’ He replied, ‘I am better than he is; You created me from fire and him
from clay.’”
“Allah commanded, ‘Then get out of Paradise, for you are truly cursed.
And surely upon you is damnation until The Day of Judgement.’”
While worship is reserved for God alone, the act of prostration by the
angels to Adam (as) was a sign of respect and honour. When life was
breathed into him, God taught him to greet the angels with ‘Al salam
alaikum’ (peace be upon you or I come in peace), which became the
greeting of those who surrender to God (Muslims).
“He taught Adam the names of all things, then He presented them to the
angels and said, ‘Tell Me the names of these, if what you say is true?’ They
replied, ‘Glory be to You! We have no knowledge except what You have
taught us. You are truly the All-Knowing, All-Wise.’ Allah said, ‘O Adam!
Inform them of their names.’ Then when Adam did, Allah said, ‘Did I not
tell you that I know the secrets of the heavens and the earth and I know
what you reveal and what you conceal?’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Baqarah: 31- 33)
This verse shows how God demonstrated to the angels (after they
expressed concern about this new creation that has free will and the
tendency to do wrong), why humans are special. The angels showed
concern because of the history of the jinn who are similar to humans by
way of free will and the ability to choose between good and evil. The jinn
were the first creation on earth and were the sole inhabitants of it for a long
time until they started to fight among themselves, cause corruption and shed
each other’s blood in wars.
“And (remember) as your Lord said to the Angels, ‘Surely I am making in
the earth a successor.’ They said, ‘Will You make [again] therein one who
will corrupt in it and shed blood while we [are the ones who] glorify Your
praise and call You Holy?’ He said, ‘Surely I know what you do not know.’”
Due to this similarity in nature, the angels worried that humans will have
the same inclination and tendency to cause destruction on earth. Also,
according to the understanding of the angels, they were already
worshipping God in the best way and didn’t understand what was different
or better about a human being. So, by teaching names to Adam (as) and
asking him to repeat them to the angels, God showed them that humans
have intellect and different learning capabilities and will therefore worship
Him in a different manner. The angels were impressed with Adam’s (as)
ability to learn the names while they couldn’t and immediately prostrated to
him on God’s command.
According to Ibn Katheer’s authentic interpretation, taken from his
book, ‘Stories of the Prophets’ (2003), Adam (as), after a period of time,
started to felt lonely as the only human in Paradise and asked God for a
companion. He woke up the next day to find a beautiful woman gazing at
him and when asked, she informed him that God created her, as his wife, to
ease his loneliness and bring comfort to him. Her name was Hawaa (Eve),
which means ‘living’ in Arabic. She was created from Adam’s (as) shortest
left rib, closest to the heart while he was asleep. Adam (as) informed the
angels that she was named Hawaa because she was created from a part of
him while he was still ‘living’ (alive).
“O humanity! Be mindful of your Lord Who created you from a single soul
and from it He created its mate and through both He spread countless men
and women.”
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) extracted a lesson for his people from
the way in which Eve was created and implored men to be gentle and kind
to women.
“He who believes in Allah and The Hereafter, if he witnesses any matter he
should talk in a good manner about it or keep quiet. Act kindly towards
women, for a woman is created from a rib and the most crooked part of the
rib is its top. If you attempt to straighten it, you will break it and if you
leave it, its crookedness will remain there. So, act kindly towards women.”
(Sahih Muslim, 1468a)
Adam (as) and Eve dwelt in tranquillity in Paradise and God told them:
“O Adam! Live with your wife in Paradise and eat as freely as you please,
but do not approach this tree, or else you will be wrongdoers.”
The Qur’an doesn’t say that there was anything special about this tree,
just that they were forbidden to eat from it. God then warned Adam (as)
about Satan and said:
“O Adam! Satan is surely an enemy to you and to your wife. So, do not let
him drive you both out of Paradise, for you [O Adam] would then suffer
[hardship].”
(Al-Qur’an, Taha: 117)
However, Satan was waiting for an opportunity to corrupt this new
creation and brand it as faulty. He made it his mission to deviate and
deceive them, so that they would disobey God and be punished. He didn’t
tell them directly to eat from the tree, as it would have exposed him, so
instead, he enticed them by whispering desires and doubts.
“…Satan said, ‘Your Lord has forbidden this tree to you only to prevent you
from becoming angels (or immortals).’”
Satan kept doing this until all they could think about was that tree and
eventually they ate from it, forgetting God’s warning. Unlike the narration
of this story in other scriptures, eating the fruit was the mistake of both
Adam (as) and Eve (not just Eve, as many assume) and they bore equal
responsibility for their sin.
“So, they both ate from the tree and then their nakedness was exposed to
them, prompting them to cover themselves with leaves from Paradise. So,
Adam disobeyed his Lord and [as a result] lost his way. Then his Lord
chose him [for His grace], accepted his repentance and guided him
[rightly].”
(Al-Qur’an, Taha: 121-122)
The beautiful supplication by Adam (as) encourages us to turn to God no
matter how hopeless our situation is:
“Our Lord! We have wronged ourselves. If You do not forgive us and have
mercy on us, we will certainly be losers.”
Islam rejects the notion that all humans are born sinners due to the
actions of Adam (as) and Eve. All the events that took place were
preordained and part of God’s magnificent plan. This teaches us that
mankind isn’t paying for their mistake by living on earth and enduring tests
and hardships.
“No soul burdened with sin will bear the burden of another.”
In this part of the story we understand three things. First, it’s in human
nature to make mistakes and be forgetful and second, turning back to God
after making a mistake is the best course of action, as God loves those who
ask Him for forgiveness.
“Truly, Allah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those
who purify themselves.”
(Al-Quran, Al-Baqarah: 222)
Abu Hurairah (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“When Allah had finished His creation, He wrote over His Throne: ‘My
Mercy overpowers My Anger.’”
The third thing we understand is that revealing the naked body (in public)
is an indication of God’s displeasure. Therefore, the more pious a person is,
the more covered he or she is. When someone starts to sin more, they will
inadvertently start removing more and more of their clothing to expose their
bodies, which in respect affects the dignity of humans that God wanted to
preserve and elevate.
“O children of Adam! We have provided for you clothing to cover your
nakedness and as an adornment. However, the best clothing is
righteousness. This is one of Allah’s bounties, so perhaps you will be
mindful. O children of Adam! Do not let Satan deceive you as he tempted
your parents out of Paradise and caused their cover to be removed in order
to expose their nakedness. Surely, he and his soldiers watch you from where
you cannot see them. We have made the devils allies of those who
disbelieve.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-A’raf: 26-27)
It is unanimously agreed upon by Muslim scholars that God allowed
Adam (as) and Eve to fall prey to the whisperings of Satan, as they needed
to learn about his evil intentions and how he works to deceive them. Adam
(as) witnessed the arrogance of Satan when he refused to follow the
commands of God. He knew that he was his enemy but had no familiarity
with his tricks and schemes. This test was therefore training for them and
through this experience God gave them the wisdom of caution. We learn
from this story that Satan was the cause for their expulsion from Paradise
and that the ultimate goal for us is to find our way back to it.
“Allah said, ‘Descend, both of you, from here together [with Satan] as
enemies to each other. Then when guidance comes to you from Me, whoever
follows My guidance will neither go astray [in this life] nor suffer [in the
next].”
(Al-Qur’an, Taha: 123)
Adam (as) and Eve descended on earth dignified and forgiven (not in
disgrace as other scriptures have described). He was given prophethood and
became the first human being to walk on this earth. God ultimately sent
them with a purpose, which was to strive for His pleasure, to seek beneficial
knowledge, to learn the skills of survival, to gain experience and to spread
the word of God.
“…You will find in the earth a residence and provision for an appointed
time. There you will live, there you will die and from there you will be
resurrected.”
God commanded Adam (as) and his children to encourage people to do
good, forbid evil and warn people about the tricks and deceptions of Satan.
The verse mentions ‘for an appointed time’, which means that our life on
earth is short and temporary because we’re spiritual beings who belong in
the realm of The Hereafter. Due to God’s infinite wisdom, Adam (as) and
Eve were sent as ambassadors and caretakers of the earth. God taught Adam
(as) the necessities of life on earth, such as language and the ability to
survive. He also informed him that everything He created worships Him,
including the fish, birds, animals, plants, trees, mountains and sea and so he
must respect them all.
“And to Allah [alone] bows down [in submission] whatever is in the
heavens and earth of living creatures, as do the angels, who are not too
proud [to do so]. They fear their Lord above them and do whatever they are
commanded.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Nahl: 49-50)
However, Satan was expelled in disgrace and was cursed by God until
The Day of Judgement. Satan said:
“‘For leaving me to stray I will lie in ambush for them on Your Straight
Path. I will approach them from their front, their back, their right, their left
and then You will find most of them ungrateful.’ Allah replied: ‘Get out
from this [Paradise], disgraced and expelled. Indeed, whoever of them
[humans and jinn] will follow you, indeed I will definitely fill Hell with you
all together.’”
Due to his arrogance, Satan challenged God (instead of asking for
forgiveness). He continued to say:
“‘My Lord! Then delay my end until the Day of their resurrection.’ Allah
said, ‘You will be delayed. Until the appointed Day.’ Satan responded, ‘My
Lord! For allowing me to stray I will surely tempt them on earth [to be
disobedient] and mislead them all together, except Your chosen servants
among them.’ Allah said, ‘This is the [straight] Way, returning to Me: you
will certainly have no authority over My servants, except the deviant who
follow you and surely Hell is their destined place, all together.’”
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) informed his people that Satan said:
“By Your Glory O Lord, I will misguide Your slaves as long as their souls
are in their bodies” to which God replied: “By My Glory and Majesty, I
will continue to forgive them as long as they ask My Forgiveness!”
(Musnad Ahmad, 27627)
This story serves as an important reminder of the mission of Satan and its
connection to the struggles many people go through daily to stay on the
right path and meet God on The Day of Judgement as believers. Satan has a
vast progeny of evil jinn that work under his command to misguide and
deviate humans. It’s important for him that he makes sure people become
lazy and forget about God and their purpose in life and that they die as
disbelievers. Delaying people’s repentance until it’s too late or making them
forget to do so completely will surely complete his mission. His army of
evil humans have been chosen to disobey God and follow his path, so in
order to protect ourselves from them, we need to be aware of their
characteristics and the strategies and manipulations they use to misguide
everyone else.
“So, it is that, for every prophet [and humans in general], We have set up
enemies, the devils of mankind and jinn, who seduce one another with
alluring rhetoric [temptations] in order to deceive [others] - Had Allah
willed, they would have not done it. So, leave them alone with what they
do.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-An’am: 112)
The Characteristics of Satan

In the previous section we learned about God’s beautiful attributes, many
of which were found in our beloved prophets too. These traits are good
seeds that are planted within us while we’re in our mothers’ wombs and it’s
our responsibility to provide the right environment and take care of them so
that they grow, flourish and make us wonderful human beings. Satan’s
traits, however, are very different and to truly understand his mindset and
how he operates, we need to be aware of what they are.
Arrogant: He is overly self-confident, egoistic and believes he’s the
most superior and powerful of God’s creations, due to the high status he
had. He seeks constant admiration from everyone and can’t tolerate any
other creation getting even a portion of the admiration, validation and praise
that he wants for himself, even if they’re more deserving of it.
Self-Absorbed: Everything always has to be about him and if it’s not, he
twists the situation to make it so.
Racist: He looked down upon Adam (as) because he was created from
clay. He considered himself superior for being created from smokeless fire.
Entitled: He demands respect, privileges and compliance from everyone
at all times, because he believes he’s special.
Jealous: He perceived Adam (as) as a threat. He allowed his feelings of
jealousy to consume him and wasn’t able to perceive God’s wisdom behind
His new creation.
Envious: He strongly wanted and wished for Adam (as) to have his
blessings taken away from him and given to him instead.
Vengeful: Satan felt betrayed by God and vowed to take revenge on Him
and mankind for the inconvenience, offense and humiliation he felt.
Liar: He lied to Adam (as) and Eve about the significance of the tree.
Manipulative: He manipulated Adam (as) and Eve into thinking that if
they ate from the tree, they’d become angels and/or immortal.
Persistent in evil intentions: He persistently followed Adam (as) and
Eve with his whisperings of temptation until they forgot about God’s
warning and ate from the tree.
Conniving: He is shrewd, scheming and very patient in his evil planning.
He introduces a sin in the form of a good deed and slowly convinces us to
become comfortable with it. He’s patient in the sense that he spends a lot of
time building our confidence and belief that the act of disobedience isn’t
that bad and over time leads us onto a path of destruction.
Deceptive: Satan approached Adam (as) and Eve, as a friend and advisor
and pretended to want the best for them.
Duplicitous: Satan is two-faced and hides behind a façade. He likes to be
in the good books of everyone and maintains a polished outer image, while
his inner values are a complete contrast. He pretends to be good with good
people and shows his wicked side with wicked people. This is an extremely
dangerous trait, as it keeps the other person off guard and makes them
complacent.
Angry and Bitter: Satan was angry when he saw that another being is
more advanced and might take a higher position than him. He was
extremely bitter and expressed that in his racist attitude. Even now, Satan
takes his anger out on everyone when he fails at something and makes sure
everyone around him is miserable too if they don’t follow his commands.
Challenging: Satan loves to challenge our boundaries of faith, beliefs
and principles so he can enjoy watching us bend and eventually break them
to please him.
Destructive: Satan is a self-sabotaging individual who not only harms
himself by following his ego, but also loves to destroy others. His mission
is to destroy our faith, our beliefs, our morality, our love for Islam and God,
our hope in the mercy of God and His forgiveness.
Ungrateful: Satan is an ungrateful being. He showed no gratitude to God
for his high rank and inclusion with the angels. He didn’t appreciate the
goodness, privilege and status that God had given him.
Blames everyone: Satan loves to create havoc and then blame it on
others. He doesn’t take any accountability or responsibility for his actions.
He blamed God for his sins that caused him to be expelled from paradise.
“For leaving me to stray, I will lie in ambush for them on Your Straight
Path.”
There was an incident where Satan appeared on the day of The Battle of
Badr as a human and promised to help the disbelievers against The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) and his Muslim army. However, when he saw the
mighty angels descend from the sky to support the believers, he
immediately turned and fled, blaming the disbelievers and completely
disengaging himself from any accountability.
“And [remember] when Satan made their [evil] deeds appealing to them
and said, ‘No one can overcome you today. I am surely by your side.’ But
when the two forces went into battle, he cowered and said, ‘I have
absolutely nothing to do with you. I certainly see what you do not see [the
angels]. I truly fear Allah, for Allah is severe in punishment.’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Anfal: 48)
Proud and Egoistic: Satan is proud that he’s created from fire, which is
a stronger element than clay. His ego and stubbornness didn’t allow him to
follow God’s command and prostrate in front of Adam (as). He didn’t
apologize, ask for forgiveness or acknowledge his sin.
Cruel: On The Day of Judgement, Satan will present his followers to
God and then abandon and discard them when they blame him for their
sins. God says:
And Satan will say [to his followers] after the judgement has been passed,“
‘Indeed, Allah has made you a true promise. I too made you a promise, but I
failed you. I did not have any authority over you. I only called you and you
responded to me. So, do not blame me; blame yourselves. I cannot save you,
nor can you save me. Indeed, I denounce your previous association of me
with Allah [in loyalty]. Surely the wrongdoers will suffer a painful
”’.punishment
Hateful: Satan hates anyone he feels is above him, worthier than him or
more honoured than him – but at the same time doesn’t make any effort to
reach the status of those he deems as being ‘better’. He has very low
internal self-esteem and believes he has to destroy others to feel better.
Uses other’s weaknesses against them: Satan understands the weakness
of humans and jinn and plays on their desires by beautifying them.
Disrespectful: Satan showed the ultimate disrespect to his Creator by
answering back, refusing to obey His command, arguing and challenging
Him.
Careless: Satan knows about the existence of hell but has an attitude of
indifference towards it. Even though he knows about the torments and
extreme hardships of those who are destined for it, he’s careless and blinded
by arrogance.
Obsessive: He has an obsession to corrupt as many jinn and humans as
possible so that he can prove they’re weak and faulty.
Delusional: Although Satan is a true believer in God, The Angels, The
Prophets, the Holy Books, The Divine Decree and The Day of Judgement,
he’s delusional to believe that he will somehow achieve a great result with
his disobedience. He continues his act of misguiding, knowing well that it
will neither earn him nor his followers any benefit, which is why he’s been
promised the harshest punishment by God.
Rebellious: Satan is rebellious in a destructive way. When things don’t
go his way, he causes harm and obstruction on a huge scale. He likes to
mock the commands and orders of God and makes us believe that the
boundaries set by religion are meant to enslave and burden us. He promotes
the notion that to be happy, free and enjoy life, we need to break these rules
and set ourselves free. God teaches us that Satan’s rebellion is the worst
type of rebellion because he’s a true believer in the coming of The Day of
Judgement.
Predator: Satan promised God that he will hunt and target those who are
obedient to Him in whichever way he can.
Disloyal: Satan was loyal to God until Adam (as) was presented to him.
He felt his position become insecure and immediately decided to stop
serving his Creator.
Scornful: Satan mocks those he feels threatened by. He questions their
authority and position and belittles their qualities and value. He’s unkind,
doesn’t know how to love and has no empathy.
Selfish: Satan is always out to fulfil his agenda. As long as he gets what
he wants, he doesn’t care about who suffers in the process.
Exploitative: Satan goes out of his way to exploit others. He doesn’t
spare a second thought about disclosing the faults and secrets of others to
ruin their reputation. He tricked Adam (as) and Eve and left them feeling
shame, embarrassment and regret.
Patronizing: Satan loves to patronize and has an “I told you so” attitude
that he displayed in front of God when Adam (as) and Eve, the more
superior creation, sinned.
As you can see, we have collected many traits of Satan from just this one
story and they can be found in many people too. Satan is led by his ego,
whereas believers are led by their faith and positive attributes that ground
them and make them beloved to God. Since Satan was expelled from
Paradise, he established his kingdom on earth with his own rules that
oppose all the rules of God. He made it his mission to lead the believers
astray and promotes the belief that people are free to do whatever they like,
as long as it makes them feel good and happy. He makes appealing and
tempting to people everything that God has forbidden, so they join his
kingdom. As a result, we see many people being led by their egos and
desires, but still don’t find the happiness they’re looking for.
In regards to the jinn, some are believers and others join forces with their
father to bring down the human race, all in an effort to prove that most
humans won’t be loyal to God. Satan trains his descendants and sends them
out in armies to fulfil the task of corrupting those who have little or weak
faith. However, he takes it upon himself to carry out the harder task of
corrupting those who are both practicing and believing Muslims. I will
revisit this in a later section so that you can get a clear picture of its
relevance in understanding the formation of a narcissistic personality.
It is important to note here that as the jinn and humans are given free
will, unlike the angels, it’s possible for us to change our character entirely
based on what we perceive as a traumatic experience. In The Qur’an, Satan
was referred to as Iblis, as that was his original name when he was residing
among the most beloved creations of God in Paradise. God then changed
his name to Al-Shaytan (The Satan), which means ‘rebellious evil spirit’ in
Arabic, to emphasize his drastic change of character when he wasn’t
pleased at the outcome of God’s decision. This teaches us that if we’re not
mindful and accepting of God’s decisions for us in our lives, we can change
from being people God is pleased with to people who aren’t, if we choose
to react in a rebellious and destructive way to His plan.
4. Who Are We?
The Qur’an has informed us that God created human beings in four parts:
the physical body, the self (al nafs), also known as the ego, the intellectual
part (al aql) and the soul (al ruh).
“Allah has perfected everything He created. And He originated the creation
of humankind (Adam) from clay. Then He made his descendants from an
extract of a humble fluid, then He fashioned them and had a spirit (soul) of
His Own [creation] breathed into them. And He gave you hearing, sight and
intellect. [Yet] you hardly give any thanks.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Sajdah: 7-9)
The soul is an independent entity and the prophets weren’t given much
information about it. However, we do know that it’s considered to be God’s
most precious creation because of its purity.
“They ask you [O Muhammad] about the soul. Say, ‘Its nature is known
only to my Lord and you [O people] have been given but little knowledge.’”
The eternal soul elevates our physical creation to become a spiritual
human being. Ibn Masoud (ra) narrated that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
said,
“Verily, the creation of one of you is brought together in the mother’s womb
for forty days in the form of a drop (nutfah), then he (or her) becomes a clot
(alaqah) for a period, then a lump for a period, then an angel is sent [by
Allah] with the soul who blows the soul into him (or her).”
(Al-Nawawi, 4)
Based on this Hadith, the majority of scholars in the past claimed that
ensoulment occurs on the 120th day of conception. Thus, when the age of a
fetus reaches four months, it’s no longer a pre-human being, as all organ
differentiation is almost complete and the fetus acquires the shape of a
human body. More importantly, now that the soul has entered the body, the
fetus is truly human and must not be aborted unless it becomes a danger to
the health or life of its mother. In Islam, abortion of a fetus at this age
constitutes the unlawful taking of human life. As humans we don’t have
enough knowledge about what will happen to the soul after death, as it’s the
nafs (ego) that will be brought to account in Al Barzakh (the spiritual
element of the grave) and on Judgement Day after a child has reached the
age of puberty and can differentiate right from wrong.
“Every nafs, for what it has earned, will be held [accountable].”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Muddathir: 38)
The nafs, unlike the soul, is connected to the physical body that belongs
to the earth and is created at the moment of conception. All our physical
desires and needs are connected to our nafs/ego, whereas our spiritual
desires and needs are connected to the soul, which belongs to the spiritual
realm. It is the soul within us that yearns to return to the spiritual world in
which it was created (Paradise). The nafs is therefore separate from and
unable to control the fate of the soul, due to its attachment to the physical
body. Our nafs is also the energy within us that helps us to physically move
from the moment our cells form and multiply in the womb to the movement
of our body parts. It is the nafs that causes our bodies to function so we can
walk, talk, eat and feel physical pain, heat, cold, emotions and pleasure. For
these reasons, it’s the nafs that will be brought to account by God on
Judgement Day, because it has full control over the physical body and uses
it in various ways to sin or do good. Evidence for this is provided in The
Qur’an when God says that our physical body parts will be independent
witnesses against our nafs for making them do wrong things. Our body
parts will also bear witness to the good we used to do with it, so that our
nafs can be forgiven.
“On The Day when their tongues, their hands and their feet will bear
witness against them and what they used to do.”
(Al-Quran, Al-Nur: 24)
Islam teaches us that there are three categories of nafs:
Al nafs al ammarah bil soo’ (The self that is inclined towards evil):
This nafs is often presented as the destructive ego.
“…Indeed, the nafs [ego] is ever inclined to evil, except those shown mercy
by my Lord. Surely my Lord is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”
(Al-Qur’an, Yusuf: 53)
It is our nafs that persuades us to act on our desires and it can dominate
us if we don’t control it by seeking help from God. The nafs is sovereign
over a human being, so if it’s inclined to evil and sin, it means we’re
subjugated by it. We can end up following the subconscious whispers of
Satan or the whispering jinn devil that accompanies us and allow them to
gain control of our actions. A clear sign that someone is ruled by their ego
is that they sin willingly, openly and without feeling any shame or guilt
because it makes them feel good. This refers to what I wrote earlier about
Satan beautifying sins until they’re normalized for people.
“…And who could be more astray than those who follow their desires with
no guidance from Allah? Surely Allah does not guide the wrongdoing
people.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Qasas: 50)
Ibn Al-Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah (ra), a prominent medieval Muslim
scholar, compared the ego to a wild horse. He said, if the rider is a skilled
professional, he will know how to control the horse, so even on days when
the horse misbehaves and tries to gain control of its master, he’s unable to
do so due to the strength and intelligence of its owner. Therefore, with time,
the ego will submit to the master and stops trying to lead him or her astray.
However, if the owner of the horse isn’t skilled or strong, the wild horse
will be the one controlling its owner and taking him away from the right
path.
In The Qur’an, God placed evil-doers into two categories: Shayateen al
Ins (human satans) and Shayateen al Jinn (jinn satans). As mentioned
earlier, God is Just and hasn’t created anything to be evil, including Satan
himself. All creatures and humans are born free from sin, are pure and are
naturally inclined to the fitrah of monotheism. Therefore, those who choose
to follow Satan, worship him by choice and obey his commands. The
wisdom of God in allowing devils to roam the earth is to help us become
stronger. When we experience and learn about their evil acts, we’re able to
equip ourselves to deal with them and be more careful. Our strength to
resist their temptations is constantly tested until we learn and become
powerful enough to fight their evil. Jinn satans whisper into our thoughts
and human satans can come in the form of bad friends, bad advisors,
corrupt colleagues and anyone else who uses psychological manipulation
and tactics to encourage us to sin or provoke us for a negative reaction, such
as anger. You may wonder if they know that they’re active followers of
Satan. The answer is no, most of them don’t and I will explain later in the
book why they were easy targets of Satan as followers and how they’re
rewarded and trained to stay loyal to his mission.
Al nafs al lawwammah (The self that blames and reproaches itself):
This type of self is more elevated than al nafs al ammarah because although
it does sin, due to satanic whispers, it tends to feel bad, ashamed,
embarrassed and guilty afterwards. The guilt can sometimes stop this
person from committing that sin again. Sometimes people with this type of
nafs are so overcome by remorse that they turn towards God with more
sincerity. These are people who are constantly battling with their desires
and temptations, which is called jihad al nafs (the struggle against one’s
ego) to be obedient to God. They acknowledge their mistakes and seek
forgiveness from God and people for their sins, which angers the jinn satan
greatly and makes it try harder the next time. This indicates that humans are
essentially moral beings who can distinguish right from wrong and hold
themselves accountable for their choices. They have the ability to criticize
themselves for the wrongs committed and feel pleased when they’re able to
control their egos and do what’s right. These are the people whose
consciences are still alive and who have faith in God and The Day of
Judgement, but that sometimes fluctuates. It is common to find these people
going through long phases where their faith is very weak and so they fall
into sins they may justify to make themselves feel better, but deep down
they know they’re doing wrong. Therefore, it usually takes a spiritual time,
such as Ramadan or a significant hardship that God sends their way to help
them turn back to Him, repent and seek His help.
Al nafs al mutumainnah (The content self): This is the best form of
nafs and those who fall into this category are the most obedient to God.
They’re content and respect Islamic rules and boundaries. They’re also
content with what God has written for them in life and submit all their
affairs and worries to Him. These people find solace, peace, joy and
reassurance in their spirituality and connection with God. The worship
rituals are enjoyable for them and they find pleasure in performing them
properly with focus and care. Being moral, performing good deeds, giving
people their rights, avoiding evil, not being controlled by their egos and
desires is also easy for them, as they thrive on doing what’s right. They’re
able to suppress unlawful desires more efficiently than others and fight with
strength against the whispers of Satan, as they seek refuge in God regularly
from him and are therefore guided and protected. This isn’t to say that these
people don’t sin, because they do. As humans, they also have the tendency
to make mistakes and lose track of the path sometimes, but they do so
unintentionally and are quick to seek forgiveness. This type of person is the
hardest challenge for Satan, as they truly love God, are steadfast in faith and
are therefore difficult to corrupt. All of the prophets that were sent by God
possessed this type of nafs.
“If you are tempted by Satan, then seek refuge with Allah. Surely, He is All-
Hearing, All-Knowing. Indeed, when Satan whispers to those mindful [of
Allah], they remember [their Lord] then they start to see [things] clearly.
But the devils persistently plunge their [human] associates deeper into
wickedness, sparing no effort.”
The content self is able to reach a special state of piety, serenity and
tranquillity, which is why it’s elevated and promised Al-Firdos, the highest
level of Paradise, for its efforts to remain righteous.
“Allah will say to the righteous, ‘O content soul! Return to your Lord, well
pleased [with Him] and well pleasing [to Him.’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Fajr: 27-28)
“Allah will surely admit those who believe and do good into Gardens,
under which rivers flow, where they will be adorned with bracelets of gold
and pearls and their clothing will be silk.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Hajj: 23
Our aql (mind/intellect) is used by us once we learn right from wrong, so
that we can make the correct decisions in life. Humans are accountable for
their deeds from the age of puberty and what they choose to do with the
religious and moral knowledge they learned from their parents is up to
them. Parents who raised their children to the best of their ability, instilled
Islamic values within them and taught them what they needed to know
won’t be accountable by God for the wrong actions and decisions their
children take after this age. The aql is the main element that differentiates
humans and jinn from all other creatures, such as animals, as we have free
will. Our intellect becomes stronger the more we seek knowledge, which is
why the first word to be revealed in The Qur’an to The Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) is ‘Read’ (Al-Alaq:1). God strongly encourages us to seek
knowledge so that we can understand who we are as human beings, our
purpose, the world we live in and how to navigate efficiently and
successfully through life. Our intellect starts to develop from a very young
age, as often demonstrated by toddlers when they try to figure out how their
toys work and in their creative ways of accomplishing tasks.
An important belief Muslims hold is that the soul survives after it’s
separated from the physical body, as a result of death or deep sleep. The
Qur’an teaches us that the soul is immortal and that physical death isn’t the
death of the soul too. Upon death, the soul will immediately return to the
spiritual realm of The Hereafter. The spiritual longing we feel to find God,
to know our purpose and to submit to a higher power comes from the soul,
as it already has a special connection with God. God informs us too that all
our souls are taken up to the spiritual realm when we sleep for an unknown
purpose and many Muslim scholars claim that there may be a connection
between the journeys of our souls and the people and places we see in our
dreams.
“It is Allah [Who] calls back the souls [of people] upon their death as well
as [the souls] of the living during their sleep. Then He keeps those for
whom He has ordained death and releases the others until [their] appointed
time. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.”
This verse is an explanation of why many people die in their sleep and
why it’s important to live according to the belief that death can come to us
at any time.
“He is the One Who calls back your souls by night and knows what you do
by day, then revives you daily to complete your appointed term. To Him is
your [ultimate] return, then He will inform you of what you used to do.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-An’am: 60]
From this verse we know that no one is created in vain and that everyone
has a specific mission in this life. Once our mission is complete, we will
return to God. Other than the primary objective of worshipping God and
striving for His pleasure, each of us has different inclinations and personal
missions. We will often not know what our mission is but it could be a
variety of things, such as, to spread valuable knowledge, to guide people
towards the right path, to bring goodness into the lives of the less fortunate
and to give birth to important people. If someone died at a very young age,
then his or her mission could have been a reminder to others that death can
come to the young, just as it comes to the elderly. Many scholars passed
away after they completed their mission of writing their most important
book that would greatly benefit humanity. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
himself was returned to God shortly after he completed his mission of
prophethood. More often than not, it will be those we leave behind in this
life who will know and realise what our mission was. Waking up each
morning to a new day is an indication for us that we’re yet to fulfil our
mission.
The purpose of the physical body is to house the soul, so that it can live
on earth. It is not an entity present in the spiritual world, so for humans to
be able to communicate with one another and carry out appointed tasks, the
human body is needed. Our body also has a right over us to be taken care
of, as it’s given to us by God as an amanah (trust). Preserving ones’ health
and body is an Islamic obligation and act of worship, as health is a valuable
gift. We’re commanded to avoid everything that can cause harm to the body
and use that which is beneficial. If you don’t care much for your body and
health, you’re not showing appreciation and value for it. Doing things that
are forbidden for us, such as smoking, drinking alcohol, physical harm,
unlawful sexual intercourse and eating meat that isn’t halal (permissible)
not only damage your health but also cause distress to the soul that’s living
in your body, hence why we feel guilty.
Let’s picture a scene where you have rented a house. The house is clean
and tidy, but as you start living there, various problems crop up. You notice
mould, the noisy neighbours, the cold winter drafts coming in through some
cracks, problems with the plumbing, a strange smell from the pipes, a spider
infestation and even rats! Would you want to continue living in this house?
Definitely not! You would either demand that the landlord fixes everything
quickly and removes what’s bothering you, or you’d leave and find another
house that’s clean and acceptable to live in. Our souls feel the same way
when we constantly abuse the body it’s living in with things and actions it
knows God dislikes. It starts to get weary and distressed and is the reason
why many people feel depressed without any apparent cause. Souls can’t
live in a body that is contaminated and so God commands the angels to take
it away when He wills to an unknown spiritual destination when the body is
no longer able to function properly. This is why so many people die every
year from high-level diseases, alcohol, drug abuse and self-harm.
We often find people investing so much of their time beautifying their
bodies and neglecting their souls. Alcoholics, drug users and fornicators, in
particular, tend to fall into depression, as they can’t understand why nothing
they do is making them feel better. As a consequence, the body’s health and
appearance start to deteriorate too because it’s being poisoned by something
it doesn’t need or want. The soul is forced to stay in this body until God’s
decreed time for its exit arrives. Sometimes, God prolongs a person’s time
on this earth, as He wishes for this person suffering from emotional and
psychological issues to understand or discover that a connection with God
will solve their problems. He wants them to make efforts to find Him and
ask for His help. Unfortunately for some people, the depression can be so
severe that they choose to end their lives. They can’t find a way out of their
mental and spiritual issues because they simply don’t understand that it’s
their souls that are suffering and need attention.
Let me give you an example of owning a Rolls Royce, the most
prestigious car in the world. If anything goes wrong with the car and you
don’t know where the problem is or how to fix it, would you take it to your
local car garage or to The Rolls Royce Dealership? You’d take it to the
dealership, right? It makes sense because it’s so valuable. You’d be worried
that a local mechanic wouldn’t be able to diagnose the problem in the car
and fix it or that he or she won’t be careful enough. It may be that the
mechanic thinks it’s one issue but turns out to be another, therefore creating
more problems in the car. For something as valuable as a Rolls Royce, the
safest and most logical option would be to take it back to its creators and
specialists, as they will know exactly how to fix it. It’s the same idea with
the soul.
When we become physically ill, we can visit a doctor or a surgeon, take
medications and make our own remedies, as God has provided us with
resources and knowledge to be able to do so. This is because our bodies are
tangible and can be seen. However, when our soul is distressed and we
become depressed, sad, anxious, worried, fearful, suicidal and hopeless, we
tend to go to the wrong things or people for help - those who are unable to
heal our soul because they’re not the creators of it. They may be able to
offer their consolation or their time to listen to us, provide temporary relief
through counselling and therapy, may give us anti-depressants and short-
term distractions, but the source of the problem remains unsolved. We
ignore the root cause of the situation and tend to forget that we have a soul
occupying our bodies that has rights over us and needs looking after. Our
soul is the most valuable part of us and its cure is only with its Creator.
“O humanity! Indeed, there has come to you advice from your Lord, a cure
for what is in the hearts, a guide and a mercy for the believers.”
(Al-Qur’an, Yunus: 57)
So, to heal from emotional and mental distresses, we need to turn to God
and maintain a connection with The Qur’an. It is important to realise that
we can invite more blessings into our lives by praying and increasing our
worship, as this will bring us closer to God and help us find peace,
reassurance and an understanding that everything happens according to
God’s will and for our own good. We just need to have complete trust in
God and take the time to look for the lessons that He wants us to see within
our experiences.
“…Indeed, Allah leaves to stray whoever He wills and guides to Himself
whoever turns to Him, those who believe and whose hearts find comfort in
the remembrance of Allah. Surely in the remembrance of Allah do hearts
find comfort.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Ra’d: 27-28)
The importance of learning about and being reminded of this
information, is to differentiate those who choose to adopt traits found in
God from those who adopt traits found in Satan. The traits that are more
dominant and present in a person indicate to whom they’re more inclined to
follow. Knowing this information helps us to relate to the modern day
understanding of who empaths, co-dependents and narcissists are. We
understand now that those who possess al nafs al ammarah are controlled
by their egos and subconsciously choose to follow Satan and those who
possess al nafs al lawwammah are those who are struggling with satanic
whispers and are constantly battling between their moral and religious
values. As for those who possess al nafs al mutumainnah, they’re
considered to be strong, pious and obedient to God.
According to the Islamic understanding of the self, it’s possible to link
the three types of nafs to the four categories of Muslims I presented earlier.
Al nafs al lawwamah is associated with the first type of Muslims (those who
perform the rituals and believe in the six pillars of faith, but don’t act upon
their beliefs) and the second type of Muslims (those who don’t perform the
worship rituals, but accept the five pillars of Islam and the six pillars of
faith and act upon their beliefs from an Islamic moral standpoint). Al nafs al
ammarah is associated with the third type of Muslims (those who neither
believe in nor act upon the five pillars of Islam and six pillars of faith, but
identify as Muslims to avoid social problems) and al nafs al mutumainnah
is associated with the fourth group of Muslims (those who perform the
worship rituals and both believe and act upon the six pillars of faith).
Ideally all Muslims should strive to achieve the level of al nafs al
mutumainnah by controlling their desires and strengthening their
relationship with God. It is important to note here that people who aren’t
Muslims can also identify which nafs they possess from a moral standpoint,
regardless of whether they believe in God or not.
I will now continue to the next section that will discuss narcissism and
mental health.
5. What is Narcissism?
The subject of narcissism has been widely debated and discussed. It has
come into the spotlight more prominently in recent years though, as abuse
cases rise and people become more aware of this personality disorder. The
first time I learned about narcissistic personality disorder was when I was
going through narcissistic abuse in my marriage in 2013. My mother had
sent me some YouTube videos and asked me if my husband’s personality
matched the one they were talking about. I was shocked and amazed to find
that the traits, behaviour and tactics they spoke about matched with his
behaviour exactly and I became obsessed about learning more. The more
knowledge I gained, the more I was able to deal with him safely and
identify other men and women who had the disorder. It absolutely
fascinated me. Since I completed my doctorate degree in 2016, I decided to
deeply study Muslim narcissists within the context of Islamic psychology
and counsel women in particular who had been victims of their abuse.
According to modern science and non-religious psychological studies, the
exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is unknown and so I felt that
it was important to teach people about Islam’s perspective on narcissism
that made sense to me. I believe and found that mental health issues and
personality disorders are non-tangible spiritual problems that only Islam can
explain. However, it’s important to educate ourselves about what narcissism
means in psychological terms first, so that we can make sense of it later in
Islamic terms.
Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egoistic
admiration of one’s idealized self. The term ‘narcissism’ originates from
Greek mythology according to which a handsome young man named
Narcissus fell in love with his image reflected in a pool of water. He spent
hours gazing at the image and admiring himself. It is commonly associated
with men and women who appear to be in love with themselves and take an
excessive number of selfies to share with others. Many people feel the need
to spam everyone’s social media home pages with their fake smiles, edited
body shapes, filtered faces, poses and pouts in order to be seen and
validated by likes and follows. While an unhealthy level of vanity is one of
their primary traits, narcissism is much more serious than this. It was first
identified as a mental health disorder in 1898 by Havelock Ellis and other
psychologists and neurologists, such as Sigmund Freud (On Narcissism,
1914), built upon his work years later. They differentiated it from healthy
self-love, as this type of self-absorption is selfish and creates issues within
the person and with people they come into contact or have relationships
with. It is often noticed that narcissists treat people as objects instead of
equals and human beings with feelings. Psychologists and experts, such as
Keith Campbell and Sam Vaknim (1999) (who was a self-proclaimed
narcissist himself), found that narcissists come across as grandiose,
pompous, full of themselves, snobbish and arrogant because they’re making
up for a fragile sense of self-worth that is deeply rooted in their negative
childhood experiences. They were found to have a deep need for constant
and excessive attention in various ways, validation and admiration and had
a lack of or no empathy at all. Numerous studies showed that the majority
of people who have this disorder are men and that signs of it start to appear
in early teenage years.
Extensive research within the field of psychology and modern science
has shown similar patterns in the childhood experiences of narcissists that
suggest that this disorder may result from a combination of factors. They
are:
Childhood trauma, such as being abandoned or neglected by a

parent. It can also involve physical, sexual, emotional and verbal
abuse. It has been observed that narcissistic men had troubled or
non-existent relationships with their mothers and narcissistic
women had troubled or non-existent relationships with their
fathers. The absence of genuine love, care and affection from
parents made these children seek them via other means to feel
seen, wanted and acknowledged.
Being over-spoiled during childhood by a narcissistic parent who
used a specific child (the golden child) as a tool for their benefit.
An example of this is narcissistic mothers using their beautiful
children as props in their photos and videos to gain social media
following.
Copying the narcissistic behaviour of a parent or caretaker. Boys
tend to copy their fathers and daughters copy their mothers, so if a
father has an anger problem and lashes out, then it’s likely his son
will copy the same behaviour at school and start to bully other
children to exert power and dominance. Sometimes, anger and
disrespect can be targeted towards girls at school if a boy sees his
father physically and verbally abuse his mother. This goes for
girls too, as they will treat boys how their mothers treat their
fathers and copy how their mothers express emotions. This
behaviour pattern is usually carried into adulthood if not
addressed early on.
Early problematic relationships with nannies, carers, foster
parents and relatives. Some children grow up with narcissistic
stepfathers or stepmothers, while others have grandparents who
are too strict and don’t show any love. The anger and resentment
that builds up from being mistreated by those who were meant to
care for them are taken with these children into adulthood, where
they take it out on others. Children who grow up in such
households develop a defensive attitude towards everything and
are often rude and selfish.
Genetics and inherited disorders. Some studies found that if a
parent had bipolar disorder, there is a 10% chance of the child
developing it too. Some argue that it’s the same with narcissistic
traits, however, narcissism isn’t an inherited disorder, it’s learned
behaviour.
The social environment in which a child is raised. Many children
who grow up in a displaced social environment don’t get the care
and attention needed for a healthy childhood. They may have
been raised in a foster home, in an orphanage or among
alcoholics. Other examples include being raised in an
aggressively religious household, among people with mental
health illnesses and living in a patriarchal society.
How a child is raised and what values he or she has been taught
about life and relationships. This includes what they watch on TV,
in movies and their online activity (primarily social media) that
influences their view of the opposite gender and the world.
Some genetic scientists claim that a pregnant woman can pass on her
negative energy and stress to her baby during pregnancy. “Everything the
pregnant mother feels and thinks about is communicated through
neurohormones to her unborn child, just as surely as alcohol and nicotine”,
says Dr. Thomas Verny, who founded the Association for Prenatal and
Perinatal Psychology and Health. Dr. Deepak Chopra also explains these
aspects in pregnancy research:
“When a pregnant mother is anxious, stressed, or in a fearful state, the
stress hormones released into her bloodstream cross through the placenta to
the baby. Hundreds of studies have confirmed that chemicals released by
the pregnant mother’s body are transported into the womb and affect the
unborn baby. Stress activates the unborn child’s endocrine system and
influences fetal brain development. Children born to mothers who had
intensely stressful pregnancies are more likely to have behavioral problems
later in life.”
Backing up the experts above, another well-known expert, cell biologist
and neuroscientist, Dr. Bruce Lipton, writes:
“When passing through the placenta, the hormones of a mother
experiencing chronic stress will profoundly alter the distribution of blood
flow in her fetus and change the character of her developing child’s
physiology.”
Therefore, although a child may be affected by his or her mother’s
negative energy and/or mental health disorder, it will only show in their
‘unexplainable bad behaviour’ later (usually between the ages of one to
ten). This isn’t classified as a mental health disorder. The bad behaviour of
these children can develop into a disorder during their early teens if the
parents regularly physically, verbally or psychologically punish them for it.
There will be more about this later in the book, as it’s very important to
know how to give children the best start in life by providing them with a
healthy family environment to be raised in.
Sigmund Freud asserted that children pass through a primitive self-
centred frame of mind in which they can’t understand that other people are
separate beings and aren’t there to serve them all the time. He believed that
narcissistic personalities could be caused by parents who excessively
overvalued or undervalued their children. As a result, children grew up
craving abnormal amounts of praise or validation because it was such an
integral part of their life. Mothers who were detached from showing
affection, who shouted a lot, complained to everyone about their children in
front of them, made them feel worthless and unlovable or reprimanded
them regularly and harshly on every small mistake, often had children who
greatly resented them and continued to demonstrate rebellious behaviour
into adulthood. The experience boys have living with a ‘difficult’ woman
from a young age shaped the negative mindset they had towards women in
general. They end up comparing and assessing every female in their life
through their childhood lens. They usually take out their issues on women,
believing that they’re all heartless and if they come across any kind women,
they will not know how to deal with them and will end up breaking their
hearts too. I once counselled a man in his early forties who was a notorious
narcissist and had a long history of marriages and broken relationships that
he had sabotaged. After a few sessions, I finally got to the bottom of his
issues and discovered that when he was seven years old, he caught his
mother having an affair with another man in their family house while his
father was abroad for work. He was livid at this because he idolized his
father. He informed him about what happened and his whole life was turned
upside down. His father expressed his anger by beating his wife in another
room away from him. Unfortunately, though, he could hear this happening
and was terrified. He told me that neither he or his parents were the same
after that incident and always felt his mother resented him for telling his
father about what he saw. He believed she hated him because she regularly
took her anger out on him whenever anything annoyed her. As a result of
this traumatic experience he grew up with a lot of anger and a deep belief
that all women are evil and can’t be trusted. For him, the root cause of his
narcissistic behaviour towards women was the broken trust he had in his
mother who was meant to be the person he felt safe with, secure with and
trusted the most in the world. He grew up determined to not let a woman
betray him again and believed that it’s best to deceive and discard a woman
before she has the chance to betray and destroy him and that beating a
woman when she does something disrespectful is the best form of
discipline. He learned this from his father, because after he had beaten his
wife, she had become very submissive and despite what happened
continued to live with him for financial reasons. He saw how his father
managed to have the controlling upper hand over his mother after going
through that experience and saw that she had “learned her lesson”. In
addition to this, he saw his father take a (much younger) second wife within
a year of the incident and even though his mother didn’t like this, she still
chose to stay in the marriage. After twenty-five years of going through the
same abusive relationships with women in his adult years, he had forgotten
the root cause of it all and why he expected women to stay with him even
after physically abusing them and betraying them. The memory is still very
painful for him and I understood that he hadn’t healed from it yet. If
narcissists don’t heal from incidents that cause them to feel this very deep
bitterness; then anger and pain will become their driving forces in life. I
have also counselled women who had similar experiences and they have
believed since childhood that men are cruel and can’t be trusted. They
thought it’s best to use men and once their needs were met, discard them.
Unfortunately, their long-term victims are often good people who are
unaware of narcissistic personality disorder and get sucked into their cycle
of pain and toxicity.
Narcissists grow up depending on others to prop up their self-esteem.
They don’t have a healthy or effective way to internally support their self-
worth and so look for it outside. When they don’t find the validation they
seek, they experience a psychological breakdown because they’re forced to
go back and feel what they felt as traumatised children. A narcissist is often
stuck in a child’s mindset, as they find it difficult to move on from the
negative experiences they had. This is why they often present childish
actions, such as throwing a tantrum when they don’t get their way or what
they want. It doesn’t matter how unreasonable their demands are, all they
care about is fulfilment.
During my research, I found that psychiatrists and therapists separate
narcissists into three categories based on their actions: grandiose or overt
(exhibitionist), covert (closet) and malignant (very toxic).
1. The grandiose/overt narcissist tends to have the arrogant and

snobby, “look at me, I’m so great” mindset that many children have.
They also have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and believe that
people owe them special treatment. They don’t really make the
effort to earn it but assume they deserve it because their parents
regularly let them get away with bad behaviour for various reasons.
They were also raised to believe that they’re better than others. For
example, they may be told that their family name makes them
special, or that because they’re wealthy or descendants and relatives
of someone important, they deserve to be successful and have high
positions. They grow up thinking that they’re amazing, smarter and
more powerful than others. They may not (always) say it, but they
act like they surely believe it and will easily and shamelessly take
advantage of people to achieve their goals. When they aren’t
bragging and putting themselves in the spotlight, they’re putting
everyone else down. They’re often carelessly rude, offensive and
cruel towards people and tend to ignore how people react or feel to
that. You can also never expect to receive an apology from them.
The behaviour of this type of narcissist is fairly consistent and
predictable and people often tolerate them for some sort of social or
personal gain (i.e., they’re employers, have highly profitable
businesses and have important social connections). One thing for
sure is that these people are unapologetically wolves in wolves
clothing and don’t hide their narcissism, hence why they’re called
the overt type.
2. The covert narcissist is the most common type of narcissist found
in our societies and like their grandiose cousins, they love to
constantly hoover up tonnes of praise, admiration, validation and
attention. Contrary to overt narcissists, these people are wolves in
sheep’s clothing and often difficult to detect. They’re much more
silent, discreet and sinister and are driven by their insecurities, as
opposed to their genuine inflated self-image, as grandiose narcissists
are. They can often come across as sweet, charming and innocent,
even shy and introverted and can also seem very caring and helpful.
However, what you share with them about your own vulnerabilities
and secrets, once you trust them, will surely be used against you
later on down the line. This makes them far more manipulative,
controlling and dangerous once they hook you in than the narcissists
who don’t have a problem showing people who they truly are.
As children, they copy the behaviour of a narcissistic parent and
they admire the power they have over their empathic or co-
dependent partner who is compliant with their needs (an explanation
of empaths and co-dependents will come later in this section).
Covert narcissists don’t claim to be special, instead, they tend to
associate themselves with something or someone they believe
makes them look special and worthy to others, such as a religion, a
beautiful trophy wife, an impressive job position, a celebrity relative
or valuable material possessions, such as luxury cars. They often
exaggerate their achievements, financial status, authority, career
position and looks in order to impress people. These are people who
thrive off other people’s reactions (primarily anger, admiration,
jealousy and frustration) to their sly manipulations, deceptions and
games. They feel they have the right to do whatever they want to
people and that no one should question them about it. For example,
they will ghost you, i.e., ignore you one day and act like you no
longer exist, only to come back into your life weeks and sometimes
years later and expect you to be accepting and welcoming of that. If
you complain to them about this behaviour, they will turn
themselves into the victim and gaslight you, as they didn’t get their
way.
The term ‘gaslighting’ is taken from the title of the 1938 British
stage play, Gas Light, which was subsequently produced as a film in
1940. The dramas within it depicted some of the basic elements of
the technique. It refers to a specific type of manipulation in which
the manipulator is trying to get others, usually their children or
partners or even a group of people, to question and doubt their own
reality, memory or perceptions and it can be a serious problem, as it
makes many people believe that they’re going crazy. It’s the
equivalent of adding gas to fire, to amplify the problems that have
already been caused by a narcissist. Covert narcissists use this
because they’re people who are inconsistent and constantly say one
thing and do another. If you correct and remind them of what they
said, they will eventually make you believe that you misheard or
dreamt it, even though you were totally sure of what they said.
These people also like to use guilt and fear to get what they want
from people and are also very sensitive and don’t take criticism
well. They will pretend to be sorry for their hurtful actions, so that
they can reel you back in and continue using you to get what they
need (narcissistic supply). If you don’t trust the genuineness of their
apology, they will make the effort (much to their annoyance) to gain
your trust again by doing something they know you like. These
people are excellent seducers and will ‘love bomb you’ with
compliments, gifts, praise, affection, attention and time to make you
feel special and wanted.
In the beginning they appear to be too-good-to-be-true and move at
200 miles per hour to get you attached to them fast, so they can
easily complete their challenge of ‘obtaining you’ as narcissistic fuel
to fulfil their needs. By the time they’re done love-bombing you,
you will be infatuated, head over heels in love and more willing to
compromise on things you normally wouldn’t to be with them. You
will feel as if you have found your soulmate, as they become a
mirror image of everything you want in a life partner. They will
study you well to find out what can bring them closer to you, make
them your favourite person and then pretend to be that person as bait
used to hook you in like a prized fish. It is common to see covert
narcissists who are quick to get married if they find, during the early
dating phase, that you’re the perfect long-term victim and person to
serve their needs. However, most people will misread this as true
love and their strong desire for family and commitment will blind
them to the reality of the situation. Narcissists will paint you a
romanticised picture of how wonderful a future with them will look
like, so you normalise the situation and don’t see them rushing into
marriage as a big red flag. It’s always a big red flag when someone
tells you so early on that they love you and want to marry you, while
you know that they don’t know you well enough to feel that way or
make such a serious decision. Psychologists often tell people at this
stage to make any excuse to exit the situation as quickly as possible.
The narcissist will usually not accept the excuse and will be greatly
offended by the rejection, after which they will start to use
emotional manipulation to try and reel you back in. It is important to
remain steadfast and cut all contact with them, not only because the
signs that appeared have indicated that they’re narcissists but
because they will, at some chosen point in time, make you pay for
rejecting them too.
These people also don’t know what loyalty is and enjoy the thrill of
cheating on their partners, regardless of how great their partners
may be. It is important to note here that cheating encompasses any
action someone does behind your back that compromises their
loyalty. It doesn’t always have to be sexual; it could be in the form
of them having an emotional attachment with someone else or
sharing personal secrets that should be kept safe at home. It can also
be in the form of activities that are disliked by the other person and
cause them hurt, such as taking drugs, smoking, drinking alcohol,
criminal activity or even going to clubs. Narcissists engage
themselves in these activities, as they get a temporary high from the
rebellion and illusion of control and power. They need to have short
breaks from time to time and be with their own kind of people to
feel truly themselves without wearing their heavy mask. It is for this
reason that when a narcissist needs to have a short fling, it’s usually
with another narcissist, as they aren’t afraid to show their unpleasant
side and true intentions, because they both understand each other’s
nature. Although narcissists understand each other very well, they
don’t commit to each other because what they essentially need can’t
be found in either of them (empathy, loyalty and compliance). If
they do commit then it will usually be for an unmissable financial or
social benefit and it will be a very turbulent and toxic relationship.
A narcissist will only cheat on a co-dependent with another co-
dependent if he or she is planning to leave the relationship for good
to be with a potentially better partner (someone who brings more
benefits and will be of better service and supply to them in the long-
term).
Once they’re done with you and have drained you of all your
energy, resources and benefits, they will discard you for their next
victim. Narcissists know very well that if they were to invest in
relationships with other narcissists, they will eventually get
discarded and their ego will be terribly hurt. Due to this, they need
to find people who don’t see or expect the discard phase to come,
because they don’t know who narcissists are or understand the
nature of narcissistic abuse. They will often know who these people
are in the initial stages of a relationship when they notice them
ignore the red flags of narcissistic abuse. If someone has ignored the
red flags, narcissists will know that they’re prime victims who aren’t
aware of what’s going on and have little to no respect boundaries.
As they greatly lack empathy, they don’t feel bad about treating
people this way and lash out when they don’t get special treatment.
Unlike the exhibitionists, covert narcissists aren’t so predictable and
tend to have different personalities with different people in different
situations. For example, they may be sweet, charming, kind and
helpful in public, but cruel, evil and abusive behind closed doors
with their partners and families. They’re chameleons and can switch
between different personalities and manipulate even the smartest of
people. With overt narcissists what you see is what you get, so
people know what to expect and are usually prepared to deal with
their problematic behaviour, if they choose to enter relationships
with them for a benefit.
The malignant narcissist is the most toxic of them all, as they
belong in the highest level of covert narcissism. They’re often found
as the main characters in psychological horror movies, thriller
movies and Netflix drama series, such as ‘YOU’ (2018) to
emphasize how dangerous they can be. The most dangerous and
extreme type of malignant narcissists are sociopaths and
psychopaths. These people regularly display erratic behaviour and
are violent with those closest to them, both physically and verbally.
The difference between the two are that sociopaths are more anti-
social and sometimes have the ability to feel remorse for their
actions, whereas psychopaths don’t at all, which is what makes them
dangerous people. This can sometimes, unfortunately, lead to many
women (in particular those who have stayed in long-term
relationships and tolerated abuse, or those who left psychopaths)
getting seriously injured or murdered, as a result of domestic
violence. It has been seen in many court cases around the world that
psychopaths felt no remorse for their actions when put on trial, as
they felt their victim deserved it. Some of them don’t even care if
they go to prison for what they did because what makes them happy
is the pain they have managed to inflict on their victim. To them, it
was worth it.
Many movies portray malignant narcissists and psychopaths as men
(in particular) in their forties and fifties who have issues with
women (mainly their mothers or other female carers). An example
of this is the movie ‘Joker’ (2019), in which the joker is a single
forty-five-year-old man who has unresolved childhood traumas with
his adoptive mother. Another more recent movie is ‘A Fall from
Grace’ (2020), which shows an excellent example of how a
narcissist is able to love-bomb and mirror a victim and then turn into
a psychopath and ruin his victims’ life. A famous thriller movie that
portrayed the character of a female psychopath is ‘Fatal Attraction’
(1987). It has one of the most iconic and disturbing scenes in which
Alex cooks a live pet rabbit in a large pot of boiling water in her
lover Dan’s marital home and leaves them to discover it (the rabbit
belongs to Dan’s young son), to create fear and paranoia and to
highlight her extreme obsession with him. These people will take
drastic measures to get what they need and want from their victims.
This earned her the famous name of “bunny boiler”, which has since
been (jokingly) associated with women who come across as being
“crazy”. Another thriller movie about a female narcissist is ‘To Die
For’ (1995), which is about the lengths some women will go to get
what they want and how they can destroy anything that stands in
their way. A more recent movie that portrays a covert female
narcissist in a similar role is ‘Obsessed’ (2009). The movie tells the
story of Lisa who becomes obsessed with her married boss, love-
bombs him and then attempts to ruin his life when she’s rejected.
Malignant narcissists enjoy excessive attention on-demand and
make everyone else feel unworthy and inferior to them. They’re
sadistic, obsessive and openly enjoy hurting other people
emotionally, physically and mentally. They thrive off making people
live in constant fear of them, which is why they tend to be stalkers
who lurk near your house or workplace if you break up with them.
Lower level covert narcissists may stalk you online and in your local
café, but they won’t do anything to physically harm you. They just
have an abnormal curiosity to see what you’re doing and who you’re
with, so that they can reassure themselves (after analysing all your
photos, posts, activities and movements) that you haven’t moved on.
Malignant narcissists on the other hand may stalk you to harm you,
which is why they often have legal restraining orders made against
them for protection.
These people find great pleasure and entertainment in lifting people
high up on a pedestal (usually in the love-bombing phase), only to
push them off suddenly and unexpectedly. They love to watch their
victims fall badly and become severely injured. This is a learned
pattern of behavior, where the narcissist’s self-worth is so low that
they overcompensate with love-bombing, so they can receive the
love, attention, admiration and affection they need to maintain their
self-worth. They also can’t stand someone else being considered
better looking, smarter or more powerful than them. The loss of
power and jealousy will drive them to ruin the reputation of others
they perceive as being better, so that they can regain their position at
the top. A malignant narcissist will go out of their way to ruin
someone’s career, marriage, self-esteem, family, religious faith,
beliefs, principles and finances in order to be satisfied. Sometimes
they like to do this out of boredom and for fun, just to see how far
they can get. They thrive on the feeling of having control over
someone’s life and believe they can make changes to the fate of
others. They love revenge and drama and achieve it by spreading
lies, false rumours and turning people against each other. They also
get a lot of joy from making people feel very guilty, unworthy and
unloved. They’re the best criminals, scammers and fraudsters and
are awful to their parents and families. Anyone in a relationship
with a malignant narcissist will regularly experience high levels of
anxiety, fear, depression and suicidal thoughts. There’s a famous
proverb that says, “Beware of the one who has nothing to lose”.
Most people end up in relationships with sociopaths and
psychopaths because they tolerate their narcissism for a long period
of time. Their victims fell for the love-bombing deceptions and
made excuses for their bad behaviour and disrespect until it
escalated.
Studies have shown that if narcissism isn’t addressed and dealt with in
early adulthood, it can advance to more dangerous levels of the disorder if
people tolerate their behaviour for their own personal gains, i.e., to keep
them in the relationship. Making excuses for narcissists doesn’t help them
to heal from their disorder, it only makes them worse, as they will only
disrespect you more for not believing that you deserve better treatment.
Narcissists on all levels need and respect people who aren’t afraid to ‘put
them in their place’ with strong boundaries, as it helps them to stay decent
to a reasonable and manageable level. Psychiatrists agree that narcissists are
internally unhappy people and feel that they have nothing of true value to
offer others. Most of them secretly hate themselves and know that they’re
horrible people. No one likes to feel that they’re hated and loathed by
others, but some are so advanced in their narcissism, they can’t see a way
back or a light at the end of the tunnel. Dr. Willem H.J. Martens argues in
his infamous article ‘The Hidden Suffering of the Psychopath’ (2014) that
psychopaths do at times suffer from emotional pain and loneliness. Most
have led hurt-filled lives and have an inability to trust people, but like every
human being on the planet, they, too, want to be loved and accepted.
However, their behaviour makes this extremely difficult, if not impossible
and most are aware of this. Some feel saddened by the actions they’re
unable to control because they know it isolates them from others even more.
Dr. Albert Bernstein (2012) described narcissists as emotional vampires.
They follow the same set of basic behavioural traits and manipulation
tactics to abuse and keep their victims in their lives. They’re very good at
making their victims feel like they’re the problem in a relationship, when in
reality, they’re the ones jeopardizing the relationship with their attitude and
beliefs. Everything the narcissist does is only a reflection of his or her inner
self. Narcissism is a complex problem and isn’t as linear as we think. There
are different levels in which a person can affect the people around them
with narcissistic traits. A regular narcissist only has control over his or her
partner and family, but a narcissist who is in a much higher position, such
as a company CEO or even a tyrannical world leader, has the power to
destroy entire nations with his or her evil actions. They have more
resources, bigger armies and helpers (flying monkeys – explained later the
book) and much greater authority that they can employ to feel superior.
They feed on the power provided by their position and the more of it they
have, the worse they’ll prove to be for the people around them. This is one
of the prime reasons why narcissist leaders are always hungry for power
because they’re addicted to their dominance and subjugation of others. It is
a serious mental illness that causes the downfall of empires and nations and
history is a witness to it.
A question that arises here and that common logic fails to comprehend, is
why many women choose to stay in physically abusive relationships.
Considering how dangerous it can be to live with a person carrying the
above traits, why do they not go back to their families? It is understandable
if a woman is concerned about an unknown and unpredictable future upon
leaving, especially if she’s a co-dependent who has extremely low self-
confidence and social skills or has male relatives at home who are abusers
too. However, when they have a caring family or friends to turn to, why not
go back to them? The answer is, they’re terrified. They’re controlled by the
fear of their abusers and are often threatened with punishments if they talk
to anyone about their situation or dare go to the police. We have to
understand here that these women are already in a fragile emotional state
and don’t have much courage. The thought of going out into the world on
their own is too intimidating to them and it’s something narcissists take
leverage of. As a result, many women choose to stay silent out of fear for
their safety and even lives. Another reason is that they feel ashamed and
embarrassed to tell people that they’re being hit, slapped, kicked, punched
and even raped by their partner. These women prefer to suffer in silence out
of fear people will judge them, especially if they pretend to be happy
among people and on social media.
Here are some of the updated terms used in psychology to study
narcissistic behaviour explained in the works of Angela Atkinson (2015),
Shahida Arabi (2018) and Carmen Bryant (2019):
1. Love-bombing – They will bombard you with excessive attention,

love, affection, generosity, romance and charm. Narcissists at this
stage put you on a pedestal and idolize you until they get you
infatuated and attached to them.
2. Idealization – They study you and listen carefully to mirror your
wants, needs and desires, so that you feel you have found your soul
mate. They say all the right things at the right time and become an
epitome of your perfect partner. You’ll feel an instant and powerful
boost in your self-esteem with them and they know this feeling is
what will have you running back to them for more.
3. Gaslighting – Constantly saying something and doing another (and
claiming that they never said it) until you start to doubt yourself and
feel you’re going crazy.
4. Future-Faking – They will talk about how they see themselves
marrying you, owning a house with you and having children with
you, so that you work hard to make the relationship work. The truth
is, they have no real intention of making it a reality and don’t keep
their promises. They future-fake to keep you around as long as
possible, as they need their egoistic fuel from you.
5. False-self – This is a false identity that narcissists present as their
true self, but in reality, it’s a mask that they wear in order to impress,
deceive and manipulate people. This false self is empty and cold
because it’s not who they really are. It is very difficult to get through
to their true self, as narcissists have lied and worn the mask for so
long that even they believe their lies. They can’t afford for anyone
to destroy or remove the mask, their most valuable possession, as it
helps them to cope with past traumas and protects their fragile egos
and shields their vulnerability.
6. Rage and Tantrums – The angry outbursts and rage of a narcissist
are like a toddler’s temper tantrum when they don’t get their way
and they continue it to torture and stress you until you give them
what they want. This usually happens after someone triggers a
‘narcissistic injury’ that is caused when the narcissist fails at his or
her mission and the victim decides to no longer respond to them or
comply with their needs. It’s shocking and traumatic for most people
to witness a full-blown narcissistic rage; with many people reporting
that it’s as if they saw a demon. I’ve had clients who suffered from
nightmares and flashbacks of the dark satanic look in a narcissist’s
eyes and face during a rage episode.
7. Blame Game – Narcissists don’t like to be accountable for their
actions and blame others for their abuse (i.e., it’s your fault I hit you,
cheated on you or went back to drinking/smoking). Their fragile
selves hate confrontation, being criticized and the feeling of shame,
so they shift the blame to others to avoid it.
8. Interrupting – Narcissists always turn the conversation back to
themselves and will interrupt you rudely mid-conversation, as they
don’t care, or have any interest in what you have to say.
9. Projection – Narcissists are serial hypocrites and tend to accuse you
of things they’re doing themselves. For example, you could be a
loyal partner and they know that, but they will act controlling and
suspicious because they’re paranoid that you’re doing to them what
they’re doing to you. Through projection, they call you what
actually they are. They openly and randomly accuse you of doing
things that they’re doing or plan on doing, which can be surprising,
distressing and confusing. They will have you prove that you aren’t
doing what they believe you’re doing and will demand access to
your phone and private things for control purposes. Narcissists
throw their guilt and shame on you so they don’t have to deal with
it, because they’re unable to feel those emotions themselves. If you
learn to read the behaviour patterns of narcissists, you’ll find their
projections are valuable in revealing what they’re up to.
10. The Silent Treatment – A narcissist will use the silent treatment to
punish you for as long as they like and it can become quite
unbearable. They will stop speaking with you or disappear for a few
days to cause you stress and anxiety, as you wonder constantly
about what they’re doing and why they’re doing this to you. This is
a way for them to make you feel guilty and responsible for their
treatment of you and you will more often than not start to find ways
to please them and end this torture. Neglect and abandonment are
two tactics narcissists use to trauma bond you to them.
11. Triangulation – In order to stir up jealousy and plant insecurities,
narcissists introduce a third person to the relationship, such as an ex
and may even lie to you saying that their ex has turned up out of the
blue and wants them back (when they’re the ones who contacted
their ex). They do this because they enjoy seeing you work harder to
compete for their attention and commitment. This gets them more
narcissistic supply and ego-stroking from you. Narcissists may also
give excessive attention in front of you to someone who is very
attractive, they may eye up other people while with you (and make
sure you see it) and may even flirt with a stranger, such as an
attractive waiter or waitress, just to get a reaction out of you. It
makes their day to see your insecurities and jealousy surface.
12. Devaluation – This is the opposite of the love-bombing phase,
where they start to dislike everything they liked about you initially.
For example, if they called you beautiful or handsome before and
showered you with compliments, they will now point out flaws in
your looks to chip away at your self-esteem. They do this to drop
you from the high pedestal they had put you on at the beginning.
This distressing experience is often followed by the discard stage, as
they must leave you broken and with no confidence left to be
satisfied that no one else after them will get the best version of you.
13. Discard – This is the stage when a narcissist discards you like a
broken toy. They cut you off cruelly once they’ve fulfilled their
needs from you, destroyed your self-esteem and secured themselves
another victim. They don’t even regret this unless their new victim
lets them down and you appear to be the better option. Here, they
will always try their luck at getting you back by fake apologizing,
begging and being overly dramatic. A narcissist will never discard
you until they know they have destroyed your spirit, depleted you
from what they needed, fulfilled the objective of destroying
something valuable in you (i.e., your faith in God, principles, health,
finances, confidence and love for life) and have a backup victim
lined up. Before and during the de-valuation stage, the narcissist
will have found and secured other victims/sources of supply for
when they decide to leave you. These people hate to be alone, so
they need to ensure they have an overlapping transfer in place from
you to someone else. Having regular distractions and sources of
supply around to keep them occupied allows them to escape from
their demons, self-reflection and reality for long periods of time and
so if you’re the one to leave them first, they will have a crisis on
their hands because they don’t have a backup victim to go to, don’t
want to be left on their own and can’t be without their ego fuel that
you provide them.
14. Smear Campaign – If you leave a narcissist, especially before they
have secured themselves a reliable backup victim, they will set out
on a smear campaign to punish you. This is a process where they
will do whatever it takes to ruin your reputation as revenge. They
may send people private photos of you, share angry voice notes you
sent them and screenshots of private WhatsApp conversations, lie
about you and make you look like the “crazy” one in the
relationship. They do this to shame you, isolate you, ruin your
relationships and destroy your public image.
15. Flying Monkeys – This term is taken from the winged monkeys
used by the Wicked Witch of the West in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ (1939)
to carry out evil deeds on her behalf. The term is used in psychology
in the context of narcissism to describe the people who act with or
on behalf of a narcissist or psychopath for an abusive purpose, i.e.,
to ruin your reputation online and amongst people you know. Flying
monkeys are also people who are sent by the narcissist to spy on you
and your social media account (if you have blocked them). They
will usually use a mutual friend or family member who believes the
narcissist’s fake persona and story to report information back to
them about your life and spread rumours.
16. Hoovering – Whether a narcissist has discarded you or you left
them, more often than not they will try to hoover you back into their
lives at some point if they feel that they can still benefit from you. It
could be weeks, months and even years later if they believe they
still have a chance. They may do it out of boredom because they
miss your attention, or to cause you distress and anxiety or just for
fun to satisfy their egos, assuming they could have you running back
if they wanted to. Whatever the reason, they will use all kinds of
bait to hoover you back into their lives. They use tactics such as
fake apologies, begging, being super nice, offering to get you
something you always wanted and starting the love-bombing
process all over again.
So, as you can see, living with any kind of narcissist is extremely
difficult, draining and detrimental to your emotional, mental and physical
health. They never acknowledge their negative behaviour and become
aggressive and hurt you if you suggest otherwise (it’s always best and safer
not to confront a narcissist and tell them that you know they are one!).
Psychologists have often debated about whether there’s a treatment for
narcissism, since no real explanation has been found as to where it truly
comes from and how almost all narcissists behave in the same way. This led
to the conclusion that so far, there’s no treatment, but professional
psychotherapists recommend long-term counselling as the best course of
action to help the narcissist gain greater insight into their problems.
Counselling can help them understand the root causes and guide them
towards the changes they can make to relate to others positively. It is
essential for them to learn how to maintain healthy relationships, develop
healthy self-esteem and have more realistic expectations of people. The
biggest challenge, however, is for a narcissist to be fully aware that they
have a disorder and seek help from or visit a psychotherapist to talk about
it. It is possible for someone to be officially diagnosed with Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) when visiting a psychiatrist or psychotherapist.
As mentioned earlier, to be considered a narcissist, one must have a very
high number of narcissistic traits that make up the foundation for his or her
character. Someone with just some of these traits will not be diagnosed with
NPD. Diagnosis of NPD is typically based on the signs and symptoms
mentioned earlier in this section, a physical exam to make sure you don’t
have a physical problem causing your symptoms and behaviour, a thorough
psychological evaluation that may include filling out questionnaires and
checking to see if someone meets the criteria of NPD in ‘The Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders’ (DSM-5), published by the
American Psychiatric Association. A psychotherapist may recommend
medications to treat symptoms like anxiety and depression, such as
antidepressants, mood stabilizers (i.e., lithium) and antipsychotic drugs (i.e.,
risperidone). Many studies found that covert narcissists, in particular, are
likely to suffer from depression and are more vulnerable and prone to
abusing people, using drugs and drinking alcohol excessively to cope with
difficult emotions and suicidal thoughts.
Narcissists, like most people, don’t like to acknowledge or believe that
there’s something majorly wrong with them and tend to avoid getting help
or a diagnosis. Those who do usually have an ulterior motive, such as
proving to a partner that they’re actively getting help only to stop them
from leaving (and not because they have intentions to change for the better).
In general, it’s very difficult for a narcissist to change and most of them
don’t even make the efforts needed to do so. For them to accept this trait
and bring about a change in themselves, a huge amount of self-discipline
and self-reflection is required. This process of self-analysis is traumatizing
for a narcissist, as they don’t like to look in the mirror and see themselves
for who they truly are behind their masks. They also fear going back to
childhood experiences and memories, as it opens up old wounds that
haven’t yet healed. Deep down, they know that they’re not good people, so
requesting a narcissist to remove their protective mask and talk about their
true self and feelings is often out of the question, unless they find a
counsellor they’re comfortable with. If they do make the initial effort to go
and give it a try, they will often not turn up to remaining sessions or make
excuses, cancel or delay them, as the questions and discussions about their
behaviour make them feel very uncomfortable.
Another important point to mention here is how Hollywood and Netflix,
in particular, are romanticizing narcissistic men more and more through the
entertainment industry. By portraying narcissistic men as masculine, sexy
and strong, they’re turning it from a problematic and dangerous disorder to
something women should find desirable. Some examples are; ‘American
Psycho’ (2000), ‘Catch Me If You Can’ (2002), ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’
(2013), ‘The Other Woman’ (2014), ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ (2015) and ‘The
Perfect Guy’ (2015). An example of a movie that stars a glamorous, strong
and appealing modern-day female narcissist is ‘The Devil Wears Prada’
(2006). Examples of narcissistic women can also be found in Disney
movies, such as Ursula (The Little Mermaid), The Evil Queen (Snow
White), Lady Tremaine (Cinderella) and Cruella De Ville (1001
Dalmatians). In the original film, Maleficent, the evil witch in Sleeping
Beauty was portrayed as a narcissist, however in the later movie
‘Maleficent’ (2014, 2019) they changed this understanding of her and
portrayed her as a hurt empath who had narcissist traits that she used to her
(positive) advantage and protection. As a counsellor I loved watching both
the Maleficent movies for two reasons, besides the fact they were very well
made. First of all, they teach people the dangers of misjudging people who
have reasons for being the way they are through no fault of their own and
secondly, how people can use their natural narcissistic traits in a positive
way to help themselves and others. In regards to male Disney characters,
Gaston is a prominent narcissist in Beauty and the Beast and so is Prince
Hans in Frozen. All these characters appear to be stronger, better looking,
more confident and even better dressed than their gentle and kind
opponents, which appeals more to children who wish to improve their self-
esteem. As a result, they’re more likely to imitate the characters of villains
than others. It is also very common to find narcissistic heroes or
protagonists in Arab and Indian drama series and movies, as culturally
patriarchal societies and relationships still exist in these parts of the world.
As a result of being raised in patriarchal societies, many women believe that
narcissistic behaviour in men is the norm and view the dramas and movies
as entertainment. It is for this reason, among others, the cycle of
normalising narcissistic behaviour in men continues through their daughters
and granddaughters. Many women from these societies have taught their
daughters that the way to a man’s heart is by being submissive to them and
agreeing to everything they want. Therefore, men find it easy to control,
take advantage of and abuse women in the name of masculinity, culture and
religion to keep them “obedient”. These social norms led to a new
westernised feminist revolution that’s now sweeping across Muslim
countries around the world, primarily in the Arabian Gulf, (i.e., Saudi
Arabia), as women start to become more aware and educated about their
rights and learn that patriarchal relationships and mindsets are toxic,
abnormal and not connected to Islam. This isn’t to say that Muslim women
are always the victims though. Arab and Indian drama series also show how
awful, deceptive, evil and manipulative narcissistic women can be to get
what they want and how they can ruin the lives of men, children and other
women.
These are the reasons why it’s extremely important to know and
recognize the characteristics of a narcissist very early on so that you can
avoid a toxic relationship that would in the future affect others too, such as
your children. Avoiding them will, in turn, help them to change, as they will
see that their manipulations aren’t working on people. Remember that
abusers exist only because people allow them to abuse. Therefore, instead
of requesting or trying to make them change, (this is not in our power), the
best thing we can do for them is to change ourselves by avoiding them and
not tolerating their behaviour. When you ignore a badly-behaved child and
give them enough space to think about their behaviour, they will eventually
adopt a better and healthier attitude. The same goes for narcissists, but
because they weren’t given the moral discipline and space to think about
their bad behaviour as children, they grew up believing it was the norm and
that everyone should accept it.
The Islamic perspective on the cause and development of narcissism is,
however, quite different and how, when and why narcissism develops in
some people will be connected and addressed by an Islamic perspective in a
later section. For now, I would like to address the people narcissists target:
co-dependents and empaths. This will be an eye-opener for many who will
find out why they attract and stay in relationships with abusive and
generally unkind people.
6. What is Co-Dependency?
A personality disorder that is often mistaken for empathy is co-dependency.

The difference between these two is that empaths are more self-aware and
don’t pretend to be someone else in order to be validated, while co-
dependents have very low self-esteem and live in an artificial state of mind
most of the time. They believe that if people knew who they really were, no
one would want them or want to spend time with them. The term ‘co-
dependency’ in psychology was rooted in the early studies of German
psychoanalyst Karen Horney in 1941, who proposed that co-dependents
excessively relied on other people for affection, validation and a sense of
identity and that it was considered a cross between a mental-health and
personality disorder. The term is less to do with an individual and more
descriptive of them in a relationship dynamic in which they’re selfless,
virtuous, faithful and will do whatever it takes to gain approval from others,
even if it costs them their dignity, peace, comfort and self-respect. Most co-
dependents don’t know that they have a disorder.
Co-dependency was mostly identified with alcoholics and children of
alcoholics and is used to describe how family members and friends made
the situation worse by tolerating and ‘overhelping’ (Janet Woititz, 1983).
Further studies, such as Robin Norwood’s, ‘Women Who Love Too Much’
(1985), later identified common behavioural patterns of co-dependency in
women who were addicted to narcissistic men and the ‘love-bombing’
phase, which will be explained shortly.
As with narcissism, it’s important that we first understand how co-
dependency develops in people during their childhood. Psychologist
Timmen Cermak proposed in his article ‘Diagnostic Criteria for Co-
dependency’ (2012) that the following traits should be present in a person
for them to be diagnosed with co-dependency disorder:
1. Excessive reliance on people for happiness.

2. Anxiety, depression and a considerable lack of self-worth.
3. Hypervigilance.
4. Victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse in the past.
5. Abandoned by a parent (father usually) in childhood or raised
without a parent due to the parent’s death.
6. Stress-related medical illness.
7. Long-term relationship with an addict or narcissist (usually a
parent).
Co-dependents were found in all these studies and more to look for and
enter relationships in which their primary role is that of the hero, fixer,
supporter, care-taker, servant, confidante or counsellor. They love the other
person’s need for them, as it satisfies their own emotional need of feeling
important. They tend to take on the role of a nurturing parent in a
relationship and believe in unconditional love. This is perfect for a
narcissist, who needs someone to perceive their tolerance and acceptance of
bad behaviour and faults, as an act of love. Co-dependents will romanticize
and normalise their positive responses to bad behaviour (i.e., ignoring
disrespectful actions and making excuses for abuse) out of hope the
narcissist sees their love and patience, which, in their eyes, makes them a
great partner. Co-dependents are used to believing that one must suffer and
sacrifice in love to prove its existence and satisfy their partner’s needs to
feel admired, loved and valued, but in these relationships, it’s always one-
sided. The narcissist they’re in a relationship with perceives their suffering
and sacrifices as indications of great weakness and vulnerability, which they
use to their advantage. These relationships are never truly happy, stable or
healthy, as both parties lack communication skills, suffer from mental
health problems, have low self-esteem, feed off each other’s insecurities
and are immature and irresponsible individuals. Despite the fact they have
different motives and agendas, both narcissists and co-dependents have a
victim mentality, are in denial of their reality, are manipulative, controlling,
paranoid and have an overwhelming desire for social acceptance. They also
have a need to always know exactly what their partner is doing to feel
secure, by checking phones and monitoring movements. A narcissist who is
like this will come across as being very controlling, however, a co-
dependent is perceived as being desperate and ‘clingy’, because they tend to
over-think and over-analyse everything, such as texts, conversations and
their partner’s behaviour. They quickly jump to conclusions, get worried
when they don’t get a text back and panic if their partner wants some space
away from them. Narcissists love to exploit this weakness to keep the co-
dependent fearful and anxiously seeking their approval.
Emotionally stable people find it difficult to be in relationships with co-
dependents, as they feel suffocated and burdened by their insecurities and
issues, which is why co-dependents often end up with narcissists. Co-
dependents adjust better with narcissists because their erratic behaviour
makes them feel ‘normal’. Co-dependents feel intimidated and inadequate
around people who don’t have any major mental health issues, who come
from stable and loving homes and who don’t have any drama in their lives.
Being around healthy people and seeing what normal relationships look like
(especially loving parental relationships) only makes their lives, situation
and disorder more of a problem for them. They don’t feel they can fit into
someone’s normal family dynamic or have anything significant to offer to
make up for their lack of ‘being normal’, even if they’re high achievers in
other areas of life, such as their career. Unhealed co-dependents are often
ashamed of their upbringing and dysfunctional families and being around
kind healthy people fuels those feelings. They would rather be with people
who are from dysfunctional families too to make them feel better and not
‘less’ than others. They usually bond over shared experiences, upbringing
and traumas, which is an unhealthy bonding/attachment style, as it’s based
on negative experiences and comfort zones rather than compatibility in
positive character traits, values and goals. Narcissists and co-dependents
often feel that normal (mentally and emotionally healthy) people judge
them and don’t understand what they need, so they tend to stay away from
them. Co-dependents are also not usually attracted to each other either,
because they’re suffering from the same issues that they themselves cannot
resolve. The narcissist’s overpowering need to feel important and special
and the co-dependent’s strong need to help others attract them to each other.
Being with narcissists gives them different issues to focus on and fix, whilst
theirs are being buried and unattended to and narcissists love it when people
neglect themselves to prioritise serving them. Therefore, narcissists and co-
dependents need each other’s company and can’t bear to be alone, as being
alone fills them with emptiness and loneliness.
Co-dependents believe that with their efforts they will be able to fix and
change broken people, however, it’s very difficult to change the behaviour
and mindset of narcissists and spiritually broken people and so co-
dependents tend to have relationships with the same type of people over and
over again, out of hope that one day they’ll be able to help someone change
for the better and that they’ll be praised and loved for it. I see this regularly
with Muslim women who make it their mission to change a man’s ways and
encourage him to start praying and become practicing etc. It usually doesn’t
end well because if a person doesn’t already respect God and see the
importance of these spiritual actions themselves, then it’s difficult to get
them to make that change later and become more compatible with you, your
values and way of life. Narcissists will pretend that they’re complying to
come across as the perfect partners, but once they have a co-dependent
hooked, they will revert to their old ways. The co-dependent, instead of
realizing their mistake and remedying it, will try harder to fix the situation
because they’ve become too attached to the narcissist.
A co-dependent’s self-esteem and self-worth are often determined by
what others think of them, so if they’re validated and praised, their self-
esteem gets a boost and if not, they feel worthless. Many co-dependent
women, for example, go out of their way to impress men and show that
they’re perfect for them. They will play the role of a wife before a narcissist
is committed to them to prove they’re worth pursuing. However, it’s rarely
appreciated by narcissists and they perceive the woman as chasers and
being too eager to please. Co-dependents don’t understand this and take it
personally and their feeling of low self-worth is reinforced. Making extra
effort for narcissists inflates their ego and confirms in their mind that it is
their victims who are lucky to have them and not the other way around,
hence why nothing they do for them will ever be good enough. In general,
it’s not in men’s nature to want women to chase them. Men like challenges,
so if they know that they don’t have to make many efforts to win women
over, they will quickly get bored and move on. This is why the process of
love-bombing women gives them a great sense of accomplishment when
the women they’re interested in fall in love. Meanwhile, co-dependent
women believe that men don’t have to work too hard or make a lot of effort
to keep them. It has been noticed by psychologists that both male and
female co-dependents don’t feel deserving of people who are willing to
spend a lot of money on them or do them favours. Instead, they feel bad and
prefer that their partners save their money and efforts. This mentality comes
from their childhood in which they felt that they had to be understanding of
their parents’ poor financial situation and not ask for what they needed, so
as to not add pressure, or that they had to earn money and gifts by
completing chores around the house and doing well at school. Co-
dependents are therefore used to suppressing their needs and would rather
do so than bother others by asking for them. Receiving help or a treat
without it being earned is uncomfortable for a co-dependent and if they
accept it they’re quick to offer a gift too or return a favour, so they don’t
feel bad or burdened. Due to this, co-dependents truly believe that people
will appreciate that they’re not demanding and would rather be the ones
doing things for their partners who are sitting on thrones. For example,
many co-dependent women feel more comfortable offering to fully pay or
split the bill at a restaurant, even if they’re not feminists. They believe that
if they make someone’s life easier or be less of a burden to the person they
love, want to impress or are infatuated with, then they will be more wanted
and loved, but it’s far from the truth. If a narcissist sees that someone
doesn’t feel they deserve good treatment and to be spoiled then that’s how
they’ll be treated in the long run. They will stop making efforts, offering
help, gifts and luxury treatment and will be more than happy to sit back and
just receive it. A main reason why co-dependents stay in abusive
relationships and accept minimal efforts is the fear that if they let go of their
partner, no one else will be willing to fill that place. This sense of insecurity
and fear of abandonment comes from their childhood too (especially if a
parent abandoned them) and they try to see a reflection of their desired
achievements through their partner if they can’t see it within themselves.
Because narcissists are generally good-looking and successful people, the
co-dependent is in awe of them and is content to just stay in their shadow.
They pacify themselves with the thought that if they’re not that successful
or gorgeous, at least their partner is and when their partner gets
compliments, it feeds their self-esteem, as they assume people believe that
they’re lucky and special for the narcissist to choose them as partners.
In the famous book, ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ (2004), author Sherry
Argov explains that most alpha men are attracted to strong women who
stand up for themselves and prefer them over “yes women” (doormats) who
regularly sacrifice themselves and their needs to please them. The “yes
women” may be desired by some men, but they aren’t loved by them or
appreciated because their constant compliance and efforts are perceived as a
desperate cry for acceptance and approval, rather than acts of love. Men
highly respect women who know their value, their rights and how to claim
those rights and will eventually mistreat those who don’t. These rights
include being respected, treated well and putting their needs first. They’re
able to mistreat weaker women more easily because there are no boundaries
in place and because these women don’t value themselves enough to
demand value from others. Therefore, if a narcissist knows that a woman is
ignorant of her rights, he will take advantage and manipulate her to get
what he wants. He will never truly respect her if she becomes accepting of
his behaviour and this is why we see a lot of good, patient and kind women
getting abused and treated terribly. The same goes for co-dependent men. A
lot of women will mistreat the kindest of men due to a lack of respect, as
they find them overly willing to sacrifice their own rights and happiness to
accommodate the needs of their partner. If you decide to stop the cycle by
not complying with them anymore, they won’t accept it and will make you
feel guilty by saying things like, “You don’t love me anymore” and “I really
loved the old you”. Here, a co-dependent is often sucked back into the same
cycle when they get a glimpse of the false belief that the narcissist
appreciated them when in reality, they can’t afford to see them get stronger
and lose them as a source of supply. It frustrates a narcissist to be with
someone they don’t respect, but they do it for the benefits they get from the
relationship. It is the reason why they can’t hold themselves back from
revealing their true feelings in cruel verbal outbursts during arguments.
The desire to constantly ‘people-please’ is a practice that stems from
childhood, especially if children were neglected and deprived of emotional
care and love by their parent(s). Due to past experiences of coming from
unstable homes, many co-dependents never developed a grounded identity
and healthy sense of who they are. They never learned how to find
approval, strength, validation and worth internally and instead learned as
children that they have to work hard (sometimes even compromise on their
morals and principles) to prove themselves worthy of being loved, cared
for, noticed and valued by others. For example, they may buy sweets from
their pocket money for all their class mates or do things to impress popular
kids at school, such as throwing items at a teacher when their back is turned
to make others laugh, even though they feel terrible about it inside. They act
as peacemakers and entertainers in the family and other places to lighten the
mood by telling jokes and being goofy. Whenever the tension escalates,
they try to diffuse it by replacing anger, stress and conflict with humour and
fun. As a result, they appear cheerful and happy to everyone else, but deep
down they struggle greatly with deep pain, anxiety, loneliness and
depression. Children who receive their emotional needs within the context
of conditional love, such as a parent saying to their child “I will only love
you if you do your homework”, tend to grow up subconsciously believing
that they’re not worthy of receiving love unless they satisfy someone’s
needs first or reach a level of approval. For a child, their mother is
everything and her love is the first source of positive influence for them and
so when that love comes conditionally, it leads to a fragile and
underdeveloped sense of self-worth. Therefore, it’s the parents that teach
their children that both emotional and materialistic needs need to be earned.
Our early experiences in childhood with our parents and/or those who
took care of us, such as our grandparents, aunties and nannies create our
attachment styles to people, so if we’re not healed from disorders, we will
carry the same behaviours and attitudes into our adult relationships and
attract toxic people who will take advantage of our weaknesses. It is a very
unhealthy cycle and one that can be broken by the co-dependent if they
identify and acknowledge the problematic nature of the attachment style
they’re used to since childhood. It is essential for them to learn and
understand the value of setting clear and healthy boundaries with people
that includes having a high level of self-respect, finding internal self-worth
and understanding that it’s not their place to enforce change and fix people.
Only then can a co-dependent begin to heal and attract healthier
relationships with others who are healed too.
7. What is Empathy?
In simple terms, an empath is the complete opposite of a narcissist and a

much stronger and healthier version of a co-dependent. Having empathy is
important, as it’s what makes us human and allows us to form connections
and be compassionate with others. According to Judy Dyer (2017), people
who are empathic are considered to be special people who are often deeply
tuned into the feelings and emotions of those around them. Empaths are
highly sensitive and can feel the pain of others, even if they haven’t
experienced a similar situation. They make the other person’s pain their
own, so that they can comfort and support them. Empaths may even cry if
they see someone crying too. They’re very patient, understanding and
follow their gut instinct, as it often allows them to pick up on things others
may not easily see. They find it easy to communicate with others and make
the effort to see from other people’s perspectives in a discussion.
If this sounds familiar to you, then you or someone you know may be an
empath.
In Dr. Judith Orloff’s book, ‘The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life
Strategies for Sensitive People’ (2017), empaths are described as those who
absorb the world’s joys and stresses like ‘emotional sponges’. They can
bring a lot of love and care into the world and feel deeply, which inspires
them too to want to ‘fix’ broken people. She claims that the following four
factors are the reasons why and how people become empaths:
1. Temperament: Some children have more sensitivity than others and

are more spiritual and responsive to people’s emotions.
2. Genetics: Some forms of sensitivity may be genetically transmitted,
so if both parents are empaths, it’s highly likely the child will be too.
3. Trauma: Childhood neglect or abuse can affect sensitivity levels as
an adult. Living with a depressed parent can also wear down the
healthy defences that a child usually develops. As a result of their
upbringing, they don’t feel ‘seen’ by their families and this increases
their need to do more than they should for others.
4. Supportive Parenting: Being raised in a healthy and loving
environment by supportive empathic parents who are attentive to
sensitive children will nurture and encourage the development of
their empathic personalities, identities, boundaries and talents.
Teaching children when and how to be loving and helpful and when
to say ‘no’, will help them grow into healthy adults with appropriate
boundaries with others.
Empaths who haven’t healed from past traumas or haven’t yet set up
healthy protective boundaries and filters always want to help others and
become disappointed with themselves when they’re unable to. They can
become so immersed in trying to find solutions for people’s problems that
they neglect themselves and their needs until they eventually burn out
(emotionally, mentally and physically). Empaths have a natural tendency to
absorb people’s negativity, even when it’s overwhelming. However, when
their kindness and concern isn’t reciprocated, they hurt deeply and are left
feeling empty. They rarely tell anyone how they feel and keep it inside as
much as possible to not create conflicts.
Empaths find solace in isolation and beautiful places, from flower
gardens to the comfort of their bedrooms. They’re often drawn to the beauty
of nature, calming sounds and aromatic scents and love being alone. This is
a huge difference between empaths, co-dependents and narcissists, who
can’t stand being alone and must always be in the company of people to
find praise and validation. Empaths enjoy reading, writing, drawing and
creating their own world to disconnect from the never-ending chaos. They
appreciate the peace and get so used to loneliness to the point where they
will feel anxiety and discomfort when they need to step out of the comfort
zone, connect with others and make friends etc. You will find that many
empath children love to play with their pets, imaginary playmates and toys
and can get absorbed in living in their own fantasy land for hours. This
makes them the easiest children to deal with, as they’re peaceful with their
siblings, generally content and don’t need to be constantly entertained.
However, this can turn into a problem when they’re left alone with negative
thoughts for long periods of time and so it’s important that parents always
maintain loving and supportive relationships and communication with their
children, so that their thoughts don’t damage them. Early isolation can also
become a problem later when it prevents them from forming and sustaining
deep connections and romantic relationships.
Empaths don’t usually like big gatherings or crowded and noisy places
and they avoid being the centre of attention. When going out with friends,
they prefer to be in small groups, preferably no more than two people, as
they easily get overwhelmed, especially if the group doesn’t share their
mindset, values and lifestyle. Empaths tend to flourish within their social
comfort zones and find it difficult to approach people who have high self-
confidence. They can also feel physically unwell if they come across very
negative people and environments and need to self-isolate for a while until
they recharge. Empaths aren’t necessarily introverts, as some empaths I
know are quite extroverted, but the need and desire to be alone from time to
time to recharge and be away from people is a common trait.
In Sydney Campos’s book, ‘The Empath Experience: What to Do When
You Feel Everything’ (2018), empaths are described as great listeners and
those in their company always feel comforted and supported. They’re
usually the first people who are turned to for advice, help or counselling.
People feel at peace in an empath’s presence, as they have calming energy,
which they use to help people solve their issues and overcome negative
experiences. An empath will almost always help someone who needs it.
They are there for others even if they’re busy, as their genuine concern for
people allows them to re-prioritize their own tasks. However, many
empaths end up feeling like emotional dumping grounds due to a lack of
boundaries and the inability to say ‘no’. They also find it difficult to stop
giving and helping, even when they have no energy or time for it. They
never like to give the impression that they don’t care about someone who
needs them and so they keep investing their time and energy into solving
other people’s problems. As a result, empaths are vulnerable to
manipulation or toxic behaviour and often find themselves being
emotionally and mentally drained by narcissists and high-level co-
dependents. Narcissists are drawn to empaths because they don’t like
arguing, conflicts and confrontations, which means (to narcissists) that
they’re more likely to brush issues under the carpet to preserve their inner
peace. While suppressing true emotions may hurt empaths and affect their
mental health, it’s great for narcissists who don’t like to be called out on
their bad behaviour. However, unlike co-dependents, most empaths have a
strong sense of self and understand that it’s not their duty to change, fix or
continue helping someone who isn’t making any effort to help themselves.
They also understand that the way people respond to them isn’t an
indication of who they are and that their sense of self isn’t defined by
others. Empaths know when they deserve better and when they should walk
away from people and are able to create and pursue their own independent
paths in life.
Psychotherapists and counsellors can help troubled empaths set healthy
boundaries and guide them to practice self-care exercises so that they can
have healthier lifestyles and relationships. Because of their kind nature and
gentle temperament, they’re much easier to counsel than co-dependents.
Empaths will usually heal a lot faster than co-dependents once they learn
how to better deal with people and protect their own energy. Those who
manage to put up boundaries and stop people from transgressing and taking
advantage of their kindness become stronger with time until they turn into
supernova empaths who aren’t afraid to walk away from people very early
on (without feeling guilty). A supernova empath is someone who has a very
high level of intuition and can identify someone who is toxic from the first
or second meeting and make a mental note to stay away from him or her.
They also know when to use their narcissistic traits, such as manipulation,
in a positive way to protect themselves and others from toxic people. For
example, a supernova empath may choose to withhold a lot of empathy and
kindness, as a way to get rid of a narcissist in their life. As mentioned
before, everyone possesses narcissistic traits, but some people use them to
fulfil evil agendas while others use them in a smart way to survive.
Supernova empaths are highly educated about traits and behaviour patterns
found in people with personality disorders and can identify mental health
issues in people, such as depression, so they know exactly how to deal with
different people, which makes them powerful. A narcissist rarely recovers
from the experience of being in the presence of a true empath who has
walked away from them, as deep down they envy them and wish that they
could be as amazing and as powerful as they are. A narcissist knows that a
supernova empath is invincible (especially one who has a strong connection
with God) and failing to destroy them only re-emphasizes the weakness
they feel inside as troubled human beings. They highly admire and respect
people who are kind but have strong boundaries and the ability to easily say
‘no’ to what they don’t like, accept or agree with. Narcissists recognise
them early on too as potential threats to their ‘false-self’ and tend to avoid
relationships with them to save their egos. It takes a narcissist who has an
extremely high level of self-confidence to take on the challenge of defeating
a supernova empath and risk having their ego and ‘false-self’ completely
destroyed at a later stage. Some of these narcissists suffer so greatly when
defeated by supernova empaths that they can even become suicidal. As
much as narcissists would secretly love to be supernova empaths, they’re
unable to do the work required of themselves to reach that special level of
being.
Now that there’s a clear understanding of who narcissists, co-dependents
and empaths are according to sociological and psychological studies, I will
move to explaining how these personalities are perceived from an Islamic
perspective and what it means to have these traits. I will also explain what
Islam suggests as the treatment for narcissism and co-dependency, seeing as
they’re both classified as personality disorders with no real treatment apart
from counselling and one’s effort and sincere will to change.
8. Exploring the Cause of Mental Health
Disorders in Islam
This is the part where it gets interesting, as I delve deeper into how
everything can be simply and clearly explained in Islam. To clarify, the term
‘narcissism’ doesn’t exist in Islam and all mental health issues are grouped
under the umbrella of ‘the disease of the heart’. Since the early eighteenth
century, sociologists and psychologists have created names for the different
types of mental health and personality disorders that many people
experience, such as NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), co-dependency
disorder, schizophrenia, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder),
psychopathy, sociopathy, bipolar disorder, ADHD (attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder), PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and
depression. However, in Islam they’re all considered to be a disease of the
heart, with differences in their symptoms, consequences, traits, behaviour
and level of danger. Any mental health disorder that goes untreated for long
periods of time will most often than not develop into a condition or
personality disorder that is worse, not only for the individual, but also for
their loved ones and communities. According to The Qur’an, ‘the disease of
the heart’ is connected to your nafs and encompasses everything connected
to believing and acting on your negative thoughts, tendencies, beliefs, fears,
doubts, sins and traits from childhood. It is important to note that mental
health disorders are developed as a result of our negative experiences,
traumas and the choices we make in life that later affect how we think, see
the world and perceive people. Our mental health can also influence the
phobias we have, who we choose to have relationships with and how our
lives and fate are determined. God tells us that He has elevated and
differentiated humans from His other creations by giving us a aql
(mind/intellect), enabling us to reflect, think, seek knowledge and come up
with solutions to problems. We also know in Islam that God, in His ultimate
justice, has created everyone to be born upon the fitrah with a pure and
sound heart, so it’s safe to say that it’s a fact that no one is born insane, with
sins, with a disorder or with mental health problems. However, it’s possible
for babies to be born with physical deformities, for a number of reasons and
also to be born carrying negative energy that has been passed on from the
mother during a turbulent and stressful pregnancy (as explained earlier).
Therefore, the development of any disorder or mental health issue has a
source after birth and in order to treat it, we must be able to trace and
identify it.
When we suffer from physical illness, such as the flu, our body doesn’t
function as it should and so we’re requested to find cures, treatments and
medications to heal and repair the body that has been entrusted to us.
“And your Lord inspired the bees: ‘Make [your] homes in the mountains,
the trees and in what people construct and feed from [the flower of] any
fruit [you please] and follow the ways your Lord has made easy for you.’
From their bellies comes forth liquid of varying colours, in which there is
healing for people. Surely in this is a sign for those who reflect.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Nahl: 68-69)
However, a serious accident that drastically impairs our hearing or sight,
or damages a vital body organ, such as the heart, lungs or kidneys, can turn
our lives upside down and we become unable to live comfortably. We will
go out of our way to read a lot about our issue, seek professional medical
advice and go to the best doctors and surgeons who can repair our bodies
and help us to recover and survive, even if it means spending thousands of
pounds and/or travelling abroad for it. Keeping the body alive is the main
reason why people are more careful about prioritizing, protecting and
repairing their physical health than their psychological and spiritual health.
What many people don’t realise is that it’s possible for our physical heart to
pump strongly and be healthy, but the spiritual heart that’s connected to our
soul and houses our beliefs, faith, feelings and emotions may be incredibly
unwell and, in some cases, destroyed, because it’s been neglected. Just as a
sick person is vulnerable to infections, diseases and viruses, a spiritual heart
is vulnerable to doubts, anxiety, depression, fear, sins and evil or
problematic thoughts that negatively affect the health of the physical body.
Most of us would like to believe that we have pure hearts and that we
don’t suffer from mental health issues, but the truth is, many of us do and
we’re either ignorant of them or in denial. In Islam, those who ignore their
spiritual side and live carelessly aren’t considered to be alive and with a
purpose, because the spiritual heart is the most important part of who we
are, as it has the ability to make us among the best or worst of people. God
says that the majority of people will forget this and perceive themselves as
just physical bodies that need enjoyment, entertainment, pleasure and
material satisfaction. Ibn Al-Qayyim Al Jawzeyya, a prominent medieval
Muslim scholar and theologian explained that our physical abilities to see
and hear are different from our spiritual abilities to see and hear and that
God differentiates between them in The Qur’an. For example, a physical
eye can see an attractive bottle of alcohol, but a spiritual eye can see that
it’s harmful.
“…They have [spiritual] hearts they do not understand with, [spiritual]
eyes they do not see with and [spiritual] ears they do not hear with. They
are like cattle. In fact, they are even less guided! Such [people] are
[entirely] heedless.”
The nafs that is free from anxiety, fear, evil, doubts and depression is al
nafs al mutumainnah, the content self that is at peace; the nafs that’s
struggling with various mental health issues is al nafs al lawwamah (the
self-blaming nafs) and the nafs that has the most mental health issues is al
nafs al ammarah, as it acts on its evil desires and impulses and has to face
the regular negative consequences of them. It is therefore very important
that we recognize signs of the diseases of the spiritual heart so that we can
treat it, bring it back to its pure state and be elevated to the status of al nafs
al mutumainnah. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Beware! There is a piece of flesh in the body if it becomes good
(spiritually reformed) the whole body becomes good but if it gets spoilt the
whole body gets spoilt and that is the heart.”
Islam emphasizes greatly on taking care of the spiritual heart, as it’s the
part of our nafs that connects us to God. In Islam we believe that our souls
are already connected to God and can’t be contaminated by evil and
immoral thoughts and actions. Therefore, because it’s our nafs that will be
brought to account on Judgement Day, extra efforts and investments have to
be made to ensure that our spiritual hearts that are connected to the nafs are
purified and not controlled and contaminated by the ego and its desires.
This explains to us that our mental health and spiritual issues come from the
ego, sins and negative or evil thoughts about ourselves, others, God and the
world we live in.
“And do not disgrace me on The Day all will be resurrected - The Day
when neither wealth nor children will be of any benefit. Only those who
come before Allah with a pure heart [will be saved].”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Shu’ara: 87-89)
Unless children are properly cared for and helped to resolve childhood
traumas and emotional problems from an early age, they will struggle to
deal with them as adults in a healthy manner. They may resort to substance
abuse, temporarily gratifying sins, unhealthy relationships, destroying
others and other unlawful things that may give them an illusion of feeling
better about themselves and their situations. However, these are usually
short-term solutions and are effective until they come across an experience,
person, situation or relationship that triggers memories of their unresolved
traumas and consequences of sins. The longer negative emotions are left
untreated, the more they rot, until resentment, anger, bitterness, hurt and
lack of self-worth run so deep that it affects their behaviour in every aspect
of life.
Twenty prominent signs of a diseased heart:

This list includes some of the main signs of a diseased heart that trigger
and encourage mental health disorders, as described in Islam. It has been
inspired by the extensive research of Sheikh Hamza Yusuf found in his
book ‘Purification of the Heart: Signs, Symptoms and Cures of the Spiritual
Diseases of the Heart’ (2004). They are:
1. Being doubtful and refusing to pray, acknowledge and believe

that God will cure the spiritual heart.
“Whenever Our revelations are recited to them, they say, ‘Ancient
fables!’ But no! In fact, their hearts have been stained by all [the evil]
they used to commit!”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Mutaffifin: 13-14)
“Have they not travelled throughout the land so their hearts may
reason and their ears may listen? Indeed, it is not the eyes that are
blind, but it is the hearts in the chests that grow blind.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Hajj: 46)
“We sent down The Qur’an as a healing and mercy for the
believers, but it only increases the wrongdoers in loss.”
This verse not only relates to the great signs that prove God’s
existence but also to the stories in The Qur’an that God placed as
examples for those who refuse to believe, such as the Pharaoh in the
story of Prophet Moses (Musa) (as). It is important we read The
Qur’an to understand the spiritual heart, seek knowledge and
intellectually comprehend the lessons from the fate of the disbelievers
and learn how the prophets coped with their hardships, so we can be
inspired and have hope in being able to successfully deal with our
own.
2. Being lazy with regards to performing good deeds, not being careful
to avoid sins, skipping prayers and regularly praying late. An absent
spiritual heart and mind that are preoccupied with other thoughts
can’t benefit from the spiritual benefits of a connection with God.
“And what prevented their charity from being accepted is that they
have lost faith in Allah and His Messenger, they never come to prayer
except half-heartedly and they never donate except resentfully.”
3. Attempting to solve mental health problems by other means, such as
medication, drugs and alcohol. We often find that many people who
suffer from depression get hooked on these things to feel better
quickly, however, once drugs and medications wear off, they come
back to the reality of the situation and fall into deeper depression
and a stronger (more harmful) dose is needed. It’s the equivalent of
putting petrol in a diesel car because it’s cheaper and more
convenient whilst hoping that it will function without getting
damaged. The negative outcome of these solutions doesn’t just
affect you, but everyone living in your household, your friends,
family and can even extend to include your career.
4. Prioritizing and following trends, social and secular cultural
practices, over moral and religious values, such as promoting
immodest fashion, displaying immoral behaviour for some benefit,
the unlawful altering of God’s creation for vanity purposes (non-
medical surgeries to change physical appearance) and supporting
causes and ideologies that go against the principles and moral
teachings of Islam.
5. Having double standards by acting pious in public and advising
people to do good, whilst committing major sins in secret. This
person is living two lives by displaying a pious façade with the
intention of impressing their community, but in reality, they haven’t
fully submitted to God. It’s a sign of hypocrisy, as they conceal the
love for sins in their heart and present otherwise. A truly pious
person is righteous both in public and in private. The Prophet
“There are four characteristics, whoever has them all is a pure
hypocrite and whoever has one of its characteristics, he has one of the
characteristics of hypocrisy, until he gives it up: When he speaks he
lies, when he makes a covenant he betrays it, when he makes a promise
he breaks it and when he disputes he resorts to obscene speech.”
(Sahih Muslim, 58)
Hypocrisy is considered to be a major disease of the heart and the
one suffering from it should work diligently to remove it.
6. Being consumed with envy and jealousy, which triggers hatred,
bitterness, resentment, anger and revenge. Feelings of envy and
jealousy could have been built up and normalised during a
problematic childhood, or surfaced at a later stage in life. Envy, also
known as the ‘evil eye’, is a deep and hateful internal wish that the
blessings God gave to another person are taken away from them. It’s
different from jealousy, as a jealous person feels unhappiness caused
by wanting something that someone else has or by feeling more
deserving of it. They’re both dangerous emotions that increase
depression and a lack of appreciation for the good things they do
have in place of what they believe is missing. People with strong
faith understand that God gives His blessings to whom He wills and
when He wills and that there’s wisdom behind it that we should trust
and accept. However, evil satanic whispers can cause someone to
become distressed and ask themselves, “Why does good never come
to me?”, “Why didn’t God give me a good partner like them? I’m a
good person!”, or “Why do they have a better life than me, even
though they don’t pray and follow an Islamic lifestyle like I do?!”
Thoughts like these can plant seeds of doubts in one’s heart from
which anger, resentment and eventually rebellion towards God and
His Decree grow.
7. Having a high level of arrogance, pride and ego that causes people
to mistreat those who are weaker or less privileged than them. This
leads to the hardening of hearts and slowly they become merciless
and unkind. It can be anyone in a position of power, such as a
leader, an employer, a parent or an abusive partner.
“…This is how Allah seals the heart of every arrogant tyrant.”
(Al-Qur’an, Ghafir: 35)
Tyrants and people with dictator-like personalities only get worse
with time and are often not blessed with guidance by God due to
their persistence in arrogance.
8. Finding joy, self-value and comfort only in materialistic possessions
and luxury lifestyles. These types of people love to seek people’s
approval and admiration when they show off what they have.
“Wealth and children are the adornment of this worldly life, but the
everlasting good deeds are far better with your Lord in reward and in
hope.”
Many people don’t believe that there’s an afterlife, so they strive to
enjoy this life to the max. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) told the
believers to live on this earth as though they’re guests travelling
through it for a short time. Our time on earth is short and we’re on a
journey back to our eternal spiritual home. Therefore, we shouldn’t
invest too much of our time, money and energy into this world
unless the investment is in the form of good deeds and will benefit
us in the afterlife. There’s a great number of people who allow the
pleasures of this world to consume and control them, so they ignore
the rules of God in order to enjoy them unlawfully. They love to
brag about what they have, not just in real life but also online on
social media. They do this to gain maximum views and admiration
from people, not knowing (or knowing) that they’re harming
themselves more by allowing people to envy them and send bad
energy their way that can destroy their blessings. The toxic energy
of the evil eye is real and can cause people to fall seriously ill, lose
everything they own and can even cause death. In fact, it’s so
dangerous that God tells us in The Qur’an to take refuge in Him
from envious people by reading the morning and night supplications
and Surah al Falaq (Al-Qur’an, 113). Saying that though, many
people don’t care about the evil eye and just enjoy the feeling or
assumption that people are jealous of them. The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) also warned people to not show off their
blessings and to enjoy them in private because it can cause God to
remove them if they’re not willing to share what they have or are
unable to feel compassion for others who don’t have the same
blessings as them. I find that a lot of Muslims have unfortunately
lost their sensitivity and empathy when it comes to bragging about
what they have, knowing that there are people watching their social
media accounts who have lost their homes to war, who can’t afford
to have valuable possessions or who are struggling to put food on
the table for their children. There is also a new wave of Muslims
who love to show off their good-looking and wonderful partners and
it seems they forget or don’t care about the struggles of their
brothers and sisters who are going through domestic violence, who
are unable to get married and who are going through a divorce.
Beautiful relationships, children and material blessings should be
kept private, as much as possible, so we can earn rewards from God,
protect what we have and preserve our compassion and mercy for
others.
9. Habitually and openly sinning without feeling any guilt until it
becomes normal. These people reach a point where their spiritual
hearts become so unwell and contaminated that they can’t
effectively distinguish right from wrong and go out of their way to
influence others too. People who regularly sin to enjoy the pleasures
of this life often fall into depression and struggle later when the
consequences of their sins catch up with them. However, even when
they temporarily recover, they continue with their sins instead of
repent.
“Indeed, We have sent messengers before you [O Muhammad] to other
people who We put through suffering and adversity [for their denial],
so perhaps they would be humbled. Why did they not humble
themselves when We made them suffer? Instead, their hearts were
hardened and Satan made their misdeeds appealing to them.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-An’am: 42-43)
Today’s society encourages us to do “whatever makes us happy”,
but this is Satan’s way and not the way of life prescribed by Islam. It is
reckless and not a healthy or safe way to live, as it will cause our egos
to take control and lead us to ruin. God says:
“…And who is more astray than one who follows their own desires
(lusts) without guidance from Allah? Allah guides not those who do
wrong [persistently].”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Qasas: 50)
“And as for those who were in awe of standing before their Lord and
restrained themselves from [evil] desires, Paradise will certainly be
[their] home.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Nazi’at: 40-41)
Blindly and mindlessly following one’s desires without
contemplating their short-term and long-term outcomes will have
serious spiritual consequences. In ‘The Alchemy of Happiness’
(2016) Imam Al Ghazali wrote: “Visible sins are like mosquitoes
hatched in a swampland and the sins of the heart are like the
swampland itself. Unless the swampland (sins of the spiritual heart)
is not eradicated, it would not be possible to get rid of the
mosquitoes (visible sins).”
10. Getting annoyed, angry and distressed when being advised to pray
and turn back to God to heal a broken heart and mental health
problems. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) mentioned that when
someone’s heart becomes hard with sins and negativity, they’re
unable or unwilling to process or accept good advice that will
benefit them.
“But as for those with sickness in their hearts, it has increased them
only in wickedness upon their wickedness and they die as
disbelievers.”
11. Mocking and belittling believers with statements, such as, “Where
was God when such and such happened to you?” and “What did
you benefit from praying or following Islamic rules? You’re still in
the same situation”. Another common one is, “It’s 2021, why are
you still following the rules of an ancient religion?!” to make you
doubt yourself and feel backward and senseless. These questions
may often come from very liberal non-practicing Muslims and not
just non-Muslims.
12. Having too much free time and being constantly bored. Boredom
and the lack of motivation to be productive in life can cause a
person to lose focus and direction and they end up indulging in
unproductive sins and activities. For example, over-eating, excessive
sleeping, watching too much TV and entertainment, not exercising,
talking too much, engaging in a lot of gossip and watching indecent
material, such as pornography, are all contributors towards
weakening the spiritual heart and faith. This is why The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) encouraged us to regularly seek beneficial
knowledge, keep busy with productive work and fast, as abstaining
from food and drink increases our spirituality and allows us to invest
more time and energy into our connection with God. Fasting is the
most beloved of all worship rituals to God after the daily prayers
and is very beneficial if you want to improve your physical and
spiritual health.
13. Trying to justify sins and abusive behaviour by distorting the
meaning of verses from The Qur’an and Hadiths.
“He is the One Who has revealed to you [O Muhammad] the Book, of
which some verses are precise—they are the foundation of the Book—
while others are elusive. Those with deviant hearts follow the elusive
verses seeking [to spread] doubt through their [false] interpretations—
but none grasps their [full] meaning except Allah. As for those well-
grounded in knowledge, they say, ‘We believe in this [The Qur’an]—it
is all from our Lord.’ But none will be mindful [of this] except people
of reason.”
Those who spiritually abuse others by using religious texts to justify
evil actions are either ignorant, not sufficiently educated about Islam
or are among the worst types of Muslim narcissists who know that
they’re manipulating and misinterpreting religious texts to suit their
agendas.
14. Always being ungrateful in life. People may be blessed with
wonderful spouses, beautiful children, a comfortable home or lots of
wealth, but they don’t thank God, as they believe it was their own
hard work that earned them those blessings. Another sign of being
ungrateful for the blessings in life is neglecting them, abusing them,
disrespecting them, believing that you’re entitled to them and acting
like they’re replaceable at any time.
“[And] Who gave you all that you asked Him for? Were you to count
the favours of Allah you shall never be able to encompass them. Verily
mankind is [generally] highly unjust, exceedingly ungrateful.”
“If you disbelieve, then [know that] Allah is truly not in need of you,
nor does He approve of disbelief from His servants. But if you become
grateful [through faith], your gratefulness will please Him.”
15. Having an impatient attitude, in general and with God. For example,
expecting prayers to be answered immediately or very soon and
being frustrated, doubtful, or complaining to others when they don’t.
Abu Hurairah (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
said:
“It is necessary that you do not become hasty.” He was asked: “What
does being hasty mean?”
He said: “When one says: ‘I supplicated to Allah but Allah did not
answer me.’”
A true believer understands that God hears all prayers and doesn’t
delay them, but for three reasons. First, it may be that He’s
protecting you from something that isn’t meant for you or good for
you. Second, it’s not the right time to grant it and you’ll receive
something much greater later on or in The Hereafter and third, God
has something better waiting for you. If you believe in this, then
being patient won’t be difficult, but it will be difficult for those who
don’t spend time contemplating and don’t have faith. Sometimes,
we aren’t granted what we desire because we aren’t grateful and
haven’t thanked God for the things we already have.
16. Loving someone so deeply and greatly other than God that you
forget about Him and your purpose in life. Ibn Taymiyyah described
this kind of love, ishq, as a disease for the body in ‘Diseases of the
Hearts and their Cures’ (2000), as it can cause you to not eat, sleep,
socialize, be productive, pray or prioritize God in life. He said that
having excessive love for anyone other than God and giving them
control over your heart puts you at risk of being hurt and
heartbroken by them. This is especially the case when God hasn’t
written for two people to be together, for example, so essentially, we
may love and become deeply attached to people who aren’t meant
for us. The same can be applied to children and friends. It is
encouraged in Islam to find core happiness, contentment and love in
a special connection with God and to only invest our love in others
once that connection has been established, because when everything
else perishes, it’s the only relationship that will remain. God is the
only One who will never abandon us or break our hearts.
17. Getting angry, irritated and offended easily, which is a result of a
lack of patience and self-control. Anger is a dangerous emotion that
can lead to all kinds of abuse one may regret later. Frequent anger is
a major sign of disconnection from God and so Satan and his
soldiers love to target people in their heated moments. They use
those moments of anger as prime opportunities to whisper evil
thoughts and actions that have consequences spread like wildfire.
Abu Dharr (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down.
If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.”
(Sunan Abi Dawud, 4782)
18. Showing off good deeds, such as the amount of charity one does and
the amount of knowledge they have to seek the admiration and
praise of others. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) told us that our
actions are judged based on their intentions, so if the intention of
charity wasn’t purely for the sake of God it won’t be accepted.
Those who do good deeds to fulfil their personal agendas, egos,
social and personal needs, will be left in shock and despondency on
The Day of Judgement when they see their deeds turned to dust and
blown away because they weren’t done to please God. God will tell
them to go and ask for their rewards from those whom they wanted
to please in this world, but no one will be ready to acknowledge
anyone on That Day. In order to preserve the reward of our good
deeds, it’s best to do them in private. Muslim scholars have the
opinion that the obligatory charity, Zakat, should be given in public,
so that people are reminded of it and voluntary charity, sadaqah,
should be given in private so that the intention remains pure. Abu
Saeed (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Shall I not tell you of that which I fear more for you than Dajjal
(Antichrist)?” We said: “Yes.” He said: “Hidden polytheism, when a
man stands to pray and makes it look good because he sees a man
looking at him.”
(Ibn Majah, 4204)
19. Being overly judgemental and not giving people the benefit of the
doubt. God tells us in The Qur’an:
“O believers, if an evildoer brings you any news, verify [it] so you do
not harm people unknowingly, becoming regretful for what you have
done.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Hujurat: 6)
People who are suspicious, quick to make negative judgements and
jump to conclusions, backbite, spread rumours and gossip are those
who spread unwarranted suspicion, hate and anger in society. The
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Beware of suspicion (about others), as suspicion is the falsest talk
and do not spy upon each other and do not listen to the evil talk of the
people about others’ affairs and do not have enmity with one another,
but be brothers.”
20. Committing sins and downplaying them so that they don’t look
significant enough to be problematic. For example, women who take
off their hijab (the required Muslim women’s head and body
covering), claiming that God is merciful and will not hold them
accountable for such a trivial thing if they’re generally good people.
This attitude comes from the whisperings of Satan, who makes
people complacent about the excuses they give themselves when
they don’t want to follow Islam’s guide. Some people also play on
doubtful and debated matters that are considered grey areas (where
there’s no strong evidence that something is forbidden or
permissible). This is a sign of a weak spiritual heart that isn’t truly
attached to God. A healthy spiritual heart finds joy in fulfilling all
the requirements (and sometimes voluntary extras) to be as close to
God as possible and earn His pleasure. A strong and healthy
believer is proud to be identified as a Muslim both physically and
morally and doesn’t find excuses to not follow specific rulings.
They don’t cherry-pick what they like from Islamic teachings and
leave those that don’t suit their lifestyles and goals. Al-Nu’man bin
Bashir (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“What is lawful is clear and what is unlawful is clear, but between them are
certain doubtful things which many people do not recognize. He who guards
against doubtful things keeps his religion and his honour blameless, but he
who falls into doubtful things falls into what is unlawful.”
(Al-Bukhari and Muslim, Mishkat Al-Masabih, 2762)
We learn from this list that the main factors that contribute towards the
ruin of the spiritual heart and cause mental health disorders are the absence
of true beneficial Islamic knowledge, a longing to be connected with God
and having pure intentions for the sake of God. According to the essence of
Surah Al-Fatiha (Al-Qur’an, 1) if we neglect our daily prayers, we’re not
asking God for guidance and essentially not doing what’s required to
protect our hearts from spiritual ruin. The daily prayers are important
anchors that ground us and keep our faith strong, as we’re constantly
reminded of God. These reminders help us bat away any evil thoughts and
whispers that come to us throughout the day. If we don’t guard our prayers,
we will never be able to break the cycle of depression, low energy and sin.
Even small sins and bad habits chip away at our spiritual hearts over time
and cause us to become lost and far from our Creator. No one is free from
them and it’s only by the mercy of God and our efforts to pray that we can
remain steadfast on the right path.
Being aware of our spiritual lives, problems and identities is important,
so that we can protect our spiritual hearts from becoming contaminated with
the negativity of our experiences and the negativity some people bring us.
We will only find peace when we protect the spiritual heart from the hatred
and bitterness from and towards others, no matter how much they’ve hurt
us, because it’s the psychological negativity we live in that causes the
spiritual heart to suffer and when we suffer spiritually, we will begin to see
it physically in our health, as it’s our body’s way of telling us that
something is wrong. The physical signs of stress, tiredness, sadness,
exhaustion, depression and anxiety are all indicators that something is
wrong with us spiritually and it’s time to pay attention and find a cure for
the most precious part of us.
How to cure a spiritually diseased heart:
God has given everyone the ability to revive and cleanse their hearts, so
that they can be healed from their painful experiences, hardships, losses,
regrets, sins, bad decisions and trials. Here is a list of actions that people
can take to start looking after their mental and spiritual health:
1. Start by acknowledging the problem you’re having and make it a

personal challenge to deal with it. For example, you can make a
conscious decision to make efforts to reduce and/or eliminate the
major sins, habits and practices from your life that have negative
consequences. If we’re able to control our ego and desires, then we
have won a great spiritual battle within ourselves (jihad al nafs) that
has a great reward with God.
“But Allah has endeared faith to you, making it appealing in your
hearts. And He has made disbelief, rebelliousness and disobedience
detestable to you. Those are the ones rightly guided.”
2. Make a habit of doing istighfar (asking God for forgiveness) for
sins, as seeking regular repentance is a powerful cure for the
spiritual heart. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“When the believer commits sin, a black spot appears on his heart. If
he [or she] repents and gives up that sin and seeks forgiveness, their
heart will be polished. But if [the sin] increases, [the black spot]
increases.”
3. Conversing with God in prayers is a powerful weapon against the
evil whisperings of Satan and we’re encouraged to ask for His
protection, mercy, help and guidance always.
“Allah guides those who seek His pleasure to the ways of peace,
brings them out of darkness and into light by His Will and guides them
to the Straight Path.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Mai’dah: 16)
A prayer that The Qur’an teaches us to protect our hearts from
deviation is:
“[They say] ‘Our Lord! Do not let our hearts deviate after you have
guided us. Grant us Your mercy. You are indeed the Giver [of all
bounties].’”
4. Hiding good deeds, such as voluntary charity and extra worship to
avoid showing off and refraining from doing them for people will
keep us away from hypocrisy and strengthen our bond with God.
5. Treating people the way we would like to be treated. The Prophet
“None amongst you believes [truly] until he loves for his brother (and
for his neighbour) that which he loves for himself.”
(Sahih Muslim, 45a)
6. Regularly reading The Qur’an with reflection. God says:
“It is a guide and a healing to the believers.”
(Al-Qur’an, Fussilat: 44)
Seeking knowledge about mental health, learning more about Islam
and understanding The Qur’an by attending classes or listening to
authenticated interpretations of it online, remembering our purpose
in life and remembering death and The Day of Judgement are all
powerful medications for the spiritual heart. It is also important to
utilize our gifts and talents to serve humanity, even if it’s in a small
way. Everyone is given a gift and the most valuable ones are those
of ethics and virtues, such as kindness and empathy. The more we
share our gifts with others, the more we earn God’s pleasure and feel
better about ourselves. Remembering our purpose and helping
people who are less fortunate will not only remind us that this life is
temporary, but also that our problems are bearable and temporary
too. God tells us in The Qur’an:
“Indeed, Allah does not place a burden on anyone that is beyond their
ability [to bear].”
These divine words are meant to bring us great comfort and remind
us that the hardships we face are experiences God knows we can
handle, as they will teach us valuable lessons and make us stronger
and more resilient. Every struggle we experience in life can be
overcome and we mustn’t give up on ourselves and keep going. A
combination of faith and complete trust in God (tawwakul) in all our
affairs, supportive friends and family and practical solutions we can
implement in our lives will help us to deal with all hardships,
whether they’re physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. If you don’t
have any supportive friends and family then I advise you turn to
YouTube and social media to listen to motivational Muslim speakers
you admire who will uplift your spirits, educate you about the power
of God and give you hope.
7. Always be grateful and content with what you have, even in times of
hardships. It is important to remember those who are suffering and
have less than you than to compare yourself to those who have more
and choose not to show that they’re going through their own
difficulties. A lot of people are deceived by those who make a lot of
effort to show that they have a perfect life, when their reality is very
different behind closed doors. Comparing ourselves to people who
are putting on a show can be dangerous to our wellbeing and mental
health, as Satan will encourage us to start questioning why God has
given them so much happiness and made us so miserable. Abu
Hurairah (ra) narrated that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Look at those who are beneath you (less privileged) and do not look
at those who are above you (appear to have more), for it is more
suitable that you should not devalue the blessings of Allah.”
8. Practice patience, forgiveness and wisdom at all times and know
that everything happens for a reason. All matters that are out of our
control lie in God’s Hands and so we must turn back to Him for
help. Evaluating the pros and cons of a situation before deciding to
do something is a trait of a believer and if you feel a decision you
make could one day bring negative consequences, avoid it. Also, if
you’re able to forgive those who have hurt you, even if you don’t
tell them directly, then it will release the negative energy you hold
inside. Some people need help to overcome traumas and heartbreak
to be able to forgive others and so it’s important that they seek
counselling from professionals who are able to deal with such
issues. Visiting counsellors and therapists, preferably Muslim ones,
is a great investment you can make in your life to start the healing
journey of your spiritual heart. Sometimes people need to
understand what it is they went through from a psychological
perspective before they can work to establish a strong connection
with God. If they can’t make sense of what happened to them in
their lives, they will struggle to find solace in Islam.
9. Stay away from bad friends and people who openly sin and find
people who have a high level of faith and morals who bring out the
best in you. Try to minimize the time you spend on social media and
apps that deplete hours from your day, cause you to be lazy with
worship and waste precious time in which you could have done
more productive things. Take the time to learn new skills, watch
educational documentaries, exercise, eat healthy, engage in social
activities that benefit society, such as charity projects and follow
your passion. If there’s something you really enjoy doing, such as
painting, teaching, fundraising or gardening, invest your time into it,
as it’s a form of therapy that generates positive energy, lifts your
mood and gives you a feeling of internal peace and happiness.
10. Take the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), the companions (male and
female) of the Prophet (ra) and the previous prophets as role models.
A pure heart loves what God and The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
have told and advised us to do and the more we learn and extract the
moral teachings from The Qur’an and prophetic stories, the more we
will understand the beauty of Islam. God sent The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) as a role model for us and it’s our duty to
prioritize his advice and messages over the incorrect advice and
demands we sometimes receive from our society, friends and family
members. By doing so, we will be able to practice Islam in the way
it was meant to be practiced: with love, wisdom, strength and
empathy. Following the Prophet’s (pbuh) sunnah (way of life) is a
way to bring us closer to God and I highly recommend that
everyone reads his biography (‘The Sealed Nectar’ (2011) by Safiur
Rahman Al-Mubarakpuri) and learns about his character.
To conclude this section, I’d like to mention a Hadith of The Prophet

Muhammad (pbuh), as narrated by Abu Hurairah (ra):
“A strong believer is better and is more lovable to Allah than a weak
believer and there is good in everyone.”
(Muslim, 2664)
Strong believers are not just those who are physically strong, but also
emotionally, mentally and spiritually strong and are able to make the efforts
that are necessary to improve themselves as humans and Muslims with a
high level of faith. Strong believers are highly respected and know when
matters are to be left to God to deal with. They’re able to claim their rights
and the rights of others to establish social equality and don’t allow their
hardships to destroy them. These are the supernova empaths who find a lot
of power in prayer. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) used to make the
following supplication:
“O Allah, I seek refuge in You from grief and anxiety, from the hardships of
debt and from being overpowered by men.”
This short prayer emphasizes the importance of turning to God during
our hardships, as He is the owner of our hearts, while we (by God’s
permission) are the owners of our minds. Therefore, because we have free
will, if we don’t make the wise decision to seek God’s guidance in our
affairs then He can turn our hearts away from it, so that we can experience
what life would be like without it. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“All the hearts of the children of Adam are between God’s Hands. He turns
them [in any direction] as He wills. He then said, ‘O Allah! The Turner of
the hearts, turn our heart towards Your obedience.’”
By turning to God and asking Him for help, we free ourselves from the
burden of having complete control over the outcome of our hardships and
depending or relying on others for favours, which can sometimes be used
against us. Strong Muslims don’t complain or depend on people for help
before they turn to God, as they know that God will provide for them a
solution to their problems. A patient believer will often find that God has
sent someone unexpectedly to solve their problems, without them needing
to ask for any favours from others. In Arab culture, when someone turns up
out of the blue with a solution or with much needed money (he or she could
be a new investor, customer or client), people rejoice and say “Allah
jabak!”, which means “God has sent you!”. Therefore, being able to rely
on God to settle our affairs is a mercy for us and when we submit our
complaints and problems to Him, He will deal with them in a far more
efficient manner and will send us answers to our prayers in ways we didn’t
and couldn’t imagine.
“[And Allah] will provide him [or her] sustenance from where they never
even imagined. Whoever puts their trust in Allah, He shall suffice them.
Surely Allah brings about what He decrees; Allah has set a decree for
everything.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Talaq: 3)
As Muslims, we’re encouraged to ask for help when we need it from
other people, however, the best of Muslims are those who help people in
need before they seek their help, so that it doesn’t get seen as a favour. This
is a highly rewarded act and it can only come from empathic people who
can identify those in need of help or charity, but are too shy or dignified to
ask for it. This kind of help can come indirectly in the form of employing
someone who needs a job, or counselling someone who needs a kind and
wise person to talk to, or giving them helpful business connections or
writing off a debt, without expecting anything in return for it.
Offering help and charity is the best way of healing a spiritually broken
heart, as it eradicates sins and brings us rizq (provisions and blessings). God
may send you to solve someone’s greatest problems without you even
knowing it and so we must find and embrace opportunities that allow us to
use our abilities and gifts to help those in need. By doing so, we will be able
to unlock the blessings of these opportunities that God gives us and play an
active role in solving our own problems. This type of help is considered in
Islam to be among the greatest of charities because you’re doing it for the
sake of God, so that he can remove your hardships too and not because you
want anything back from those you’re helping.
“Indeed, the virtuous will have a drink [of pure wine], flavoured with
camphor, [from] a spring where Allah’s servants will drink, flowing at their
will. They are those who fulfil their promises and fear a Day of horror and
give food, despite their desire for it, to the poor, the orphan and the captive,
[saying to themselves] ‘We feed you only for the sake of Allah, seeking
neither reward nor thanks from you. We fear from our Lord a horribly
distressful Day.’ So, Allah will save them from the horror of That Day and
grant them radiance and joy and reward them for their perseverance with a
Garden [in Paradise] and [garments of] silk.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Insan: 5-12)
God created us to experience all emotions from sadness to feeling elated,
as it’s what makes us human. The greatest of people, including our beloved
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) experienced deep sadness and grief, when
Khadijah (ra) died, when his sons died and when his uncle died. Prophet
Jacob (Yaqub) cried so much when he lost his son Prophet Joseph (Yusuf)
until he became blind and Prophet Jonas (Yunus) felt despair and
hopelessness, when he was trapped in the belly of a whale. However, God
made them strong and us strong and gave us the ability to withstand all our
hardships. People all face different types of hardships and there’s a reason
why people’s hardships aren’t all the same. Those who face harder trials
than others are able, by God’s permission, to handle them. No one is
blessed with everything and this life isn’t Paradise, it’s not meant to be
perfect. Our trials are given to us to humble us, purify us, empower us,
remind us of God and that humans are weak and need Him.
Hardships and trials are only meant to be temporary events and
experiences that happen in our lives to teach us lessons and strengthen our
faith. If we don’t know how to deal with our hardships and trials our
negative emotions can take over us long-term and we will feel stuck in our
depression. It is so important to seek help when going through trials and to
not face them on your own. Mental health issues are caused by rejecting the
past, present or future. The root cause for depression, sadness, grief and
pain, is the rejection of our past and what happened to us. We’re unhappy
with what we went through and what God decreed and are unable to move
on with our lives. The root cause for loneliness, boredom, hopelessness and
mental exhaustion, is the rejection of the present. Here, we don’t like the
situation we’re in and feel these emotions, as we wish we were in a better
one or because we compare our lives to others. The root cause of fear,
anxiety and worry, is the rejection of the future and what’s to come for us.
This means, that instead of believing that God will guide us to our rizq and
solutions to our problems and relying on Him to know what’s best for us
and bad for us, we worry excessively about where we will get our rizq from
and how our future will be. The opposite of rejection is acceptance and
surrender to The Decree of God and being in this state of mind is the only
way to heal from our sadness, achieve peace, contentment and patience.
“Whosoever submits their face to Allah and is good in deeds, will have his
reward with his Lord and there shall be no fear for such people, nor shall
they grieve.”
9. An Understanding of Narcissism from an
Islamic and Cultural Perspective
Now that character traits, disorders and signs of mental health issues have
been addressed, I can move on to explain what a narcissistic personality
disorder is from an Islamic perspective. After meeting and working with
narcissists and abuse victims in the last six years, I realised that those who
claim to be Muslims but have NPD are very dangerous people in our
society, especially when it comes to our spiritual and moral wellbeing. The
worst of them (high-level narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths) present a
negative image of Islam to Muslims and the rest of the world, as they use an
immoral Muslim identity alongside distorted, misunderstood and
misinterpreted Islamic teachings to inflict their abuse on others, causing
many Muslims to leave Islam, hate Islam, resent God and suffer from
depression. Narcissists have the ability to cause great chaos and destruction
in people’s lives that triggers a ripple effect through society. They’re also
able to bring out the absolute worst in people and can easily turn good and
happy people into angry, suicidal and broken individuals. They can even
push people to commit crimes, such as attempted murder and bodily harm,
as a desperate attempt to get rid of the abusive narcissists in their lives.
The increase of narcissism in our societies has particularly affected new
convert Muslims, married women, single mothers/fathers and single
Muslims who are targeted for their assumed vulnerability (i.e., loneliness),
high levels of empathy and lack of knowledge about their rights and Islam.
There are different levels of narcissism in Muslims and so they will have
different personalities and temperaments, which I will discuss later in detail,
but the most problematic narcissists are those who pretend to be pious and
target practicing Muslim men and women, only to later destroy their faith,
health, relationships and identity.
I spent weeks trying to find information about narcissism in Islam so that
I could effectively counsel myself and others who needed help, but the
information I gathered was shallow and without a strong foundation. The
Muslim counsellors I came across were only dealing with the consequences
of narcissism and were approaching the cause from a psychological
perspective without knowing themselves where the disorder comes from
prior to a problematic childhood and within the spiritual context in which
mental health problems are found. Extensive research hasn’t been made yet
into the spiritual elements of what makes Muslim men, in particular,
narcissistic and so I decided to explore The Qur’an and Hadiths for
answers. As God is our Creator, it makes sense that only He can explain to
us how a pure human being can deviate and become faulty when its
spiritual self is neglected, in the same way a perfectly manufactured car can
develop many problems, if it’s abandoned for long periods of time and not
looked after. It was crucial for my own understanding and profession that I
find an authentic explanation of what I and my clients went through, so I
could help them make sense of their traumas and start a strong and
productive healing journey. As mentioned earlier, no one is born evil and
every disorder has a seed from which it grows, so the aim of this chapter is
not to attack Muslim narcissists and claim that they’re a lost cause, but to
create an awareness and understanding of why they are the way they are. As
Muslims, we should always be compassionate and non-judgemental
towards others, so that we can become open to understanding people’s
hardships. This is good for our own self-esteem too when we learn to not
take the blame for the way people are.
So, by now you will have connected the character traits of narcissists to
all the traits of Satan and know that they possess al nafs al ammarah.
People with al nafs al ammarah are of different types. It’s not always easy
to detect someone with this nafs, especially if they’re coverts, unless you
have spent enough time observing their behaviour. According to my
personal and professional experiences, a narcissist is someone who presents
a high dominating volume of narcissistic traits (over 50%) in their
character. If someone has 50% empathic traits and 50% narcissistic traits,
then this person is considered to possess al nafs al lawwamah that is on the
borderline with al nafs al ammarah, as there is a constant battle between
both their empathic and narcissistic traits to win. If the narcissistic traits and
behaviour patterns win and exceed the 50% mark in someone’s character
then he or she will be considered a narcissist, even if they’re at 51%, as it
means their empathic traits will need to start decreasing to make room for
the stronger dominating ones. If someone’s narcissistic traits fall below
50% then he or she is not a narcissist, but rather a nafs al lawwamah
empath with narcissistic traits they can work on to decrease and eliminate.
The lower the narcissistic traits and behaviour, the higher and more
dominating the empathic qualities will be in someone’s character, which
will help them get closer to the level where they can possess al nafs al
mutumainnah. I am inclined to believe that someone with this beautiful nafs
doesn’t possess or act on more than 10% of their narcissistic traits, which
they will choose to only use in a positive way when needed (i.e., to survive,
as self-defence and to protect themselves and others).
It is important to note that every type of nafs has different levels within
it. For example, feeling guilty for committing sins deliberately is found in
people who have al nafs al lawwamah, but some feel more guilty than
others for their sins, which places them on a higher part of the scale. The
more guilty someone feels for their sins, the stronger their moral compass is
and the closer they are to al nafs al mutumainnah. If they feel temporary
guilt for their sins then they will be placed on the part of the scale that is
closer to al nafs al ammarah. Even within the category of al nafs al
mutumainnah, people’s strong faith in God is placed on different levels too,
as there are Muslims that excel more than others in their level of tawwakul
(reliance and trust in God) when they’re placed in testing circumstances that
range from losing a loved one to extreme poverty and surviving a war. In
the category of al nafs al ammarah, you will also find people who are
worse and more dangerous than others. For example, narcissists and
psychopaths are both possessors of this nafs, but psychopaths (including
tyrannical leaders) are far worse and so they’re placed on the highest end of
the scale near the direct and open devil worshippers, who are the worst of
all people. An individual whose character has 51% of narcissistic traits and
49% of empathic traits is very different to someone whose character has
85% of narcissistic traits and 15% of empathic traits. Their actions, beliefs,
intentions and motives will each have their own damaging consequences,
but they fall into the same category of people. Due to the fitrah God has
created us upon, it isn’t possible to find a human being who is purely evil
(100% narcissist), as even the most tyrannical leader may have a soft spot
for at least one of his grandchildren or even a pet dog. Empathic traits
include love, care, concern for others and anything else that is positive.
Due to there being different levels within the nafs categories, God has
created different levels of Paradise for those who have excelled more than
others in their level of faith and morality and different levels of hell for
those who differed in their sins that they committed openly. For example, in
God’s ultimate justice, the reward for a Muslim who stayed away from zina
(fornication) all their life out of fear or love for God won’t be the same as
the reward for a Muslim who committed zina multiple times and then
sincerely repented. The same will be applied to punishments, so the
punishment for someone who committed zina once (without repenting)
won’t be as harsh as the punishment for someone who committed zina
multiple times (without repenting). Everyone will receive their portion of
punishments and rewards in perfect measure.
It is not possible to be 100% free from all narcissistic traits, as that would
make us perfect and humans haven’t been created to be perfect. The only
human being who was the closest to being perfect was our beloved Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh), as he was exclusively appointed a moral and believing
Muslim qareen (jinn devil). There’s an old quote by a Cherokee who said,
“My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is
anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is
good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth”.
The boy thought about it and asked, “Which wolf wins?” The old man
replied, “The one you feed”. So, if you feed your narcissistic traits they will
become the building blocks that shape your personality and the empathic
traits that all people are born with will eventually die from neglect and
starvation.
The aim of a Muslim narcissist

Now that we understand a narcissist is ruled by al nafs al ammarah, we
can say that as a result of their extremely low or non-existent faith in God
and Islamic beliefs, they inevitably become followers of Satan. Islam
teaches us that we will all make an active choice about whose kingdom we
wish to follow in this life – God’s Kingdom or Satan’s kingdom. The
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) also warned us about the company we keep
because we will eventually resemble who we spend the most time with, so
if someone has bad friends, it’s likely they will become like them too. Once
Satan manages to get a grip on people through their qareen, they become
his soldiers and are commissioned to cause corruption, spread sins and
attack the spiritual hearts of believing men and women. Satan sends out evil
humans and jinn to corrupt everyone he considers to be easy targets and
takes it upon himself as a challenge to deceive those who are strong in their
faith and morality. The goal of evil humans and jinn is to deplete the
spiritual hearts of people from the remorse they feel when committing a sin,
so that it’s normalised and they become lazy to repent to God. If they’re
successful, these people will eventually stop praying and living as
practicing Muslims and will enter a comfortable cycle of chasing what’s
unlawful. If left to accumulate, the sins can turn into addictions (drugs, sex,
alcohol etc.) in which people experience temporary exhilaration and
eventually many consequences. Satan rewards this loyalty with immense
pleasure that people get from their sins that makes the ego feel great.
However, they start to suffer mentally and spiritually when their needed
rizq is withheld from them by God because they preferred the egoistic
rewards from Satan.
“Surely he and his soldiers watch you from where you cannot see them. We
have made the devils allies of those who disbelieve.”
Many people will also allow themselves to sink into a deep ocean of sins,
because they believe (from satanic whispers) that they have done too many
wrong things for God to forgive them and that there’s no point praying
anymore, repenting or being practicing. To them, it makes more sense to
just carry on and enjoy life in an immoral manner, as they don’t have much
or any hope for change and forgiveness.
“O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do
not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it
is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”
It is important to note here that those who are easily led astray already
have weak faith. A Muslim’s level of faith will regularly fluctuate
according to the challenges, trials and hardships he or she faces, as it’s not
possible to live every day with the same level of high faith, which is why
Satan will attack people when they’re at their lowest point and while their
faith is temporarily down. Believing Muslims will feel bad and
disappointed at themselves when they realise their mistakes, unlike
narcissists who don’t care. A lack of remorse removes the protective barrier
God has placed between us and our qareen, who will be given an
opportunity to work on corrupting the nafs and its heart.
People who weren’t taught the importance of establishing a spiritual
connection with God when they were children and teenagers don’t know
how to ask for His help and protection and therefore become vulnerable to
the evil whisperings of their qareen. I have seen many parents who are very
religious and practicing, but don’t know how to teach their children about
the spiritual side of Islam. All their children grow up to learn is what is
haram and what is halal until they resent Islamic laws and rebel, because
they find them so restricting within an ever-increasing secular society. The
lack of satisfying answers and reasons as to why they have to follow those
rules, apart from the reason that they have to do it to please God and not go
to hell, turns them away from Islam in adulthood. It is also problematic
when a religious parent is married to a very liberal parent who doesn’t
practice Islam. Naturally, children will see the liberal parent as being more
easy going and fun and will prefer to follow their way of life, while the
religious parent struggles to raise his or her children with Islamic values
that are perceived as being backwards and not suitable for the 21st century.
This can lead the religious parent to become extra strict, which pushes the
children away from Islam even more and they grow up with a severe lack of
knowledge and not wanting to associate themselves with Islam as a way of
life. However, as we are intelligent beings, it’s our responsibility to make
the effort to seek knowledge about Islam and what we know about it since
childhood. It is the moral obligation upon every Muslim who wishes to be
identified as a Muslim that they study Islam so that they practice it in the
way it should be practiced and to avoid confusing others too by sending
them conflicting messages. Many narcissists, however, will take the
understanding of Islam that they were given by their strict patriarchal
fathers and problematic imams and community leaders and use it to their
advantage to control and manipulate others.
If we go back to the story of Satan’s expulsion from Paradise and the
promise he made to God about misguiding the believers, we come to
understand the motives behind his loyal followers and how they’re used as
a means to help him destroy the faith and spiritual hearts of good people.
God warned people about his whispers and traps and encouraged us to hold
onto our faith and morals to overcome his mission. Satan said:
“Verily, I will mislead them and surely, I will tempt in them false desires and
certainly, I will order them to slit the ears of cattle (In pre-Islamic Arabia,
the pagans used to cut the ears of cattle as a mark of dedicating the
animals to the idols they took as gods) and indeed I will order them to
change the nature created by Allah.” God then says, “And whoever takes
Satan as a Wali (protector or helper) instead of Allah, has surely suffered a
manifest loss. He [Satan] makes promises to them and he tempts them with
hopes. But Satan does not make a promise to them but to deceive.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Nisaa: 119-120)
Satan, as we know, is a firm believer in God and everything He has
promised, including The Day of Judgement and The Hereafter, which is
why he will be the greatest being to deceive his followers, who, by his own
efforts, aren’t true believers in God and what’s to come. His mission is to
only collect as many followers as possible to satisfy his ego and boast to
God that he is powerful and has the ability to influence people to leave
God’s Kingdom and join his kingdom; but ultimately, he’s aware of his fate
and the fate of those who follow him.
“Surely Satan is an enemy for you. So, take him as an enemy. He only
invites his followers [to falsehood], so that they become his companions in
the blazing Fire.”
Narcissists are effectively spiritual criminals who are commissioned to
deceive, steal and destroy the good in people for their own personal gain
and to satisfy Satan’s mission of showing that humans are weak, ungrateful
and faulty. Satan’s goal is to deviate people from their natural empathic
fitrah and create deep spiritual confusion and distress. His most valuable
followers are those who have a deceptive religious identity and use Islam to
get what they want from people. They develop an impeccable image by
looking pious, preaching Islamic teachings and going to the mosque so
people trust them. By having people with fake Muslim identities on his
side, Satan is able to work efficiently in destroying the reputation of Islam
and presents a negative image about what it means to be Muslim. He works
hard to present Islam as a harsh religion so that it puts people off embracing
it as a way of life, makes people fear it and discourages people from
learning more about it. This hasn’t only influenced the mindset of people
negatively and triggered Islamophobia, which has harmed many Muslim
communities, but has led to a surge in young Muslims leaving Islam too.
Non-Muslims and Muslims who weren’t raised with the correct Islamic
education are unfortunately learning about Islam from the biased media that
loves to focus on stories about Muslim narcissists.
Regardless of whether they’re aware of it or not, narcissists behave in a
manner that leads people to lose their faith, patience, spirituality and trust in
God, when they involve Islam in their abuse. I frequently get asked if all
narcissists know that they’re narcissists. The answer is no, not everyone is
aware that they have a disorder or that they’re (in reality) worshipping
Satan through their actions, but they do know that there is something wrong
with them. They know deep down they aren’t good people. I have seen
many victims of narcissistic abuse resent God and Islam because of how
much their abusers used religion to make their lives difficult and miserable.
Narcissists become worse if and when they have access to more power,
money, resources and helpers, which is why we have seen and heard of
many imams and religious leaders who are meant to be our role models and
guides, be exposed as hypocrites. Some Muslim nasheed (Islamic song)
artists who were admired by young Muslims were also exposed as
narcissists who used their fame to exploit women, among other things.
Many Islamic studies teachers, young (and old) scholars and even respected
university lecturers have been caught displaying non-Islamic behaviour that
is contradictory to what they teach in their lessons about morality, such as
abusing children in their care, having unlawful relationships with women
and issuing problematic fatwas (Islamic rulings and opinions on the grey
areas) that comply with unethical political agendas. Tyrannical world
leaders and political party leaders who identify as Muslims are the worst
types of narcissists, as they’re able to attack and harm their own people
and/or Muslims from other countries on a large scale using any excuse they
wish that suits their agenda.
Satan works hard to target and corrupt those who hold religious authority
in our societies in order to dismantle the trust of those who look up to them
for religious guidance and knowledge. Once that trust is lost, so are many
people who haven’t been taught to independently seek knowledge and read.
Instead, they become angry and resentful towards religious leaders who
turned out to have double agendas and are working or complying with
disbelievers on policies that aren’t in the favour of believing Muslims.
Many of those who are meant to be the representatives and prominent
examples of the teachings of Islam sadly presented little to no credible
evidence through their actions that Islam is a peaceful, easy to practice and
beautiful religion. It is also common to see elderly scholars, especially in
The Middle East and South Asia, who are very harsh and rigid in their
preaching of Islam, that it makes people turn away from it. After The
Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) death, Muslims avoided taking on the heavy
responsibility of being scholars and leaders, including Khalifa Omar Ibn Al
Khattab (ra), despite their high levels of morality and the prospect of status
and power they would have in society. They were aware of the huge task
and feared the accountability it would come with if they were to make
mistakes and fail at times to be excellent role models and lead people astray.
To overcome this fear, people with religious authority need to set aside their
pride and publicly acknowledge any mistakes they make (unintentionally)
and rectify them quickly, so that they’re not perceived as being people of
double standards and don’t influence others to make the same mistakes too.
It is generally assumed that everyone who is a scholar, imam or religious
leader has enough knowledge and faith to own the purest type of nafs, but
this isn’t always the case. In Islam, a religious leader should be someone
who possesses al nafs al mutumainnah and those who do are always the
most loved by good people and disliked by narcissists who will always have
something negative to say about their wonderful and peaceful
understanding of Islam. I can’t count the number of stories I have come
across about people who are known to be very religious Muslims in society
and have abused their wives and/or children physically and emotionally, or
conned innocent people out of large sums of money because they were
trusted in business and charity ventures. There are also many stories in
which people, who appear to be religious, have done deals with the devil
and given up their morals and principles to hold onto something worldly,
such as power, a position, money or even a person. A woman I know told
me that her strict Muslim ex-husband was so distraught when she decided
to leave that he got on his knees (out of desperation to keep his source of
supply) and told her that he will do anything to make her stay, even if it
means abandoning his daily prayers so that he has more time for her. This
confirmed to her that he never was truly religious and that he was only
using Islam to control her and make life miserable. When Satan uses people
who wear a religious identity to inflict harm on others, more and more
people will lose their love for Islam and trust in Muslims. It is for this
reason hypocrites are promised a harsher punishment by God, because they
confuse and mislead people, unlike those who are open disbelievers and
don’t claim to be Muslims.
“Torn between belief and disbelief - belonging neither to these [believers]
nor those [disbelievers]. And whoever Allah leaves to stray, you will never
find for them a way. O believers! Do not take disbelievers as allies instead
of the believers. Would you like to give Allah solid proof against
yourselves? Surely the hypocrites will be in the lowest depths of the Fire -
and you will never find for them any helper.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Nisaa: 143-145)
How to identify Muslim narcissists

People who present a practicing Muslim identity but regularly display
actions that are contradictory, or follow some rules of Islam for their benefit
and abandon others or don’t follow an Islamic lifestyle at all are all
examples of Muslim narcissists. They tend to be very confusing (and
confused) and target people for different reasons, depending on the benefits
they anticipate to receive. Below are the common and prominent behaviours
of Muslim narcissists:
1. They are double-standard chameleons. Muslim narcissists may

come across as being practicing, but many are involved in short-
term flings with other narcissistic Muslims and non-Muslims who
are often beautiful, reckless and sexy. They engage with them in
unlawful relationships to fulfil their temporary desires, while they
wait for the better long-term valuable source of supply (from
practicing Muslim empaths and co-dependents) who will fall for
their religious façade. The ideal long-term partner for a Muslim
narcissist is someone who is a chaste and God-fearing Muslim
and/or someone with great assets, such as wealth and an impressive
social status. These people often don’t have any or many of these
qualities to give in return, so they make do with pretending that
they’re successful, practicing and chaste people who want a halal
relationship with pious people “on the deen”. As mentioned before,
the reason for them wanting a practicing Muslim, even if they’re not
religious themselves, is because they know that they will be able to
control and manipulate them with Islam and access narcissistic
supply from their desire to be a great partner and do right by God.
When they find the perfect victim, they will rush the whole marriage
procedure to officially “own them”, claiming that it’s more Islamic
and righteous to not delay marriage. They will also make sure that
they choose a partner who (they believe) isn’t better looking than
them. Narcissists believe that they’re very good looking and so,
while they will choose someone who reaches a high standard in the
beauty department, they can’t be seen to be less attractive than them
by other people. They always have to make sure they have the upper
hand in all privileges to maintain their power. Having a partner who
is better looking is very intimidating for a narcissist, whereas co-
dependents will always seek those who are better than them in many
ways, as it makes them feel good and lucky.
Many Muslim narcissists also assume that practicing Muslim
women are less likely than others to betray them and so prefer to
marry them. This is not to say that they will discard their temporary
flings when they meet the women they want to marry. They may do
so temporarily, but will often find new victims or return to their
‘harem garage’ (collection of admirers) later during the marriage.
When caught, they often use a misinterpreted Islamic excuse or
justification for talking to other women (that they’re allowed to have
up to four wives). This tends to happen after they have locked a
woman in with a child or two and feel confident that she relies on
them financially and thus cannot leave. I found during my
counselling sessions with narcissists that those who cheat are
usually the ones who believe they will get away with it, even when
they’re caught. If a narcissist truly believes that he or she may lose
their great source of supply if caught cheating, then they’re less
likely to risk it. However, if a narcissist is with a very weak co-
dependent, they are likely to risk cheating multiple times because
they believe they will get away with it, knowing that their partner
needs them and lacks the strength, self-worth and confidence to
leave the relationship. Due to their own promiscuous behaviour and
knowing that people will get fed up one day and leave them, they
have serious trust issues in relationships and become very jealous.
They very rarely marry the women who have engaged in sexual
relationships with them unless they can control them and get what
they want with blackmail or any other manipulative means.
The blackmailing and manipulation don’t happen so often now due
to feminist rights and updated human rights laws, but I remember
the social environment of some Arab and South Asian communities
in the UK back in the 90s when it was considered detrimental to a
woman’s social reputation to engage in an unlawful relationship
with a man before marriage. It would be much worse if the man she
was involved with was a narcissist who knew that she would have to
marry him because no one else should find out she was no longer a
virgin or pious for having a boyfriend. After marriage, a woman
would feel obliged to tolerate his blackmailing, threats and
emotional abuse for years, out of fear that he would expose her to
her family and shame them if she didn’t comply with his demands.
These men enjoy the anxiety they put women through, especially
when they have something to hold over them and make them live in
a constant state of fear and in need of their mercy.
2. They will deceive you into believing that they have honourable
intentions towards you. They present themselves as your well-
wishers who only want the best for you. They will mirror everything
you look for in a partner to make you trust them and believe that
you have found your soulmate. It’s easy to fall for their façade and
they often have the advantage of being good-looking and charming
too. They will feed you the fantasy of a happy future with children
and holidays and may even make noble promises, such as taking
you to perform Umrah or Hajj. If you’re an attractive single mother,
a narcissist will tell you early on that he’s willing to take care of
your children too because he believes you will help him become “a
better Muslim”. This is sweet music to the ears of a single mother
and she will perceive him as a wonderful selfless person. A
narcissist has to set the stage by presenting him or herself in a grand
way so that you overlook and dismiss the warning signs that they
know will inevitably appear. They study you carefully to identify
your weak points (they want to see if you’re lonely, if you have
supportive male relatives, if you’re a single parent, if you feel
stigmatized because you’re divorced, if you’re worried about getting
older and haven’t had kids yet, if you’re not financially stable, etc.)
so that they can manipulate you, win you over by making you
believe they understand what’s important to you and play on your
insecurities. They move very fast and love-bomb you until they have
hooked you to the too-good-to-be-true fantasy world they’ve created
for you. They want to get you infatuated to the point where it will be
easy for them to get what they need from you, i.e., money, sex, a job
promotion, business opportunity or even just a trophy wife or
husband they can show off. Narcissists love a challenge, so if you’re
attractive, practicing and doing well in life, you’re the perfect target
for them. Sometimes, they don’t actually want anything from you
besides the satisfaction of showing others that they were able to get
you, only to discard you later.
Not all men and women who are interested in you will be
narcissists, of course. I will explain later in the book how you can
differentiate between the intentions of a narcissist and a genuine
person, so that you don’t paint everyone with the same brush and
lose out on potentially great partners.
3. They test your faith and boundaries. Do they say they’re
practicing Muslims but stay on the phone with you even when it’s
time for the prayers and you end up missing them? (And you
wonder why they haven’t gone to pray themselves?), do they initiate
going out on dates, get affectionate with you and you end up
becoming their girlfriend or boyfriend? Do they drag relationships
out for a long time? Do you get shocked and surprised that a woman
who comes across as religious is making sexual advances towards
you? Does he ask you for provocative photos without hijab and
perhaps even some nudes? Do they make you feel insecure and
jealous of other people who are perhaps following them on social
media or those they follow? Do they come across as people who
love to get attention and compliments in the regular selfies they
post? Do they subtly say aggressive and offensive things and hide
them behind jokes? For example, “if you ever cheat on me I will kill
you.” Do they make fun of religious practices and make you feel
inadequate, too religious or not religious enough? Do they make you
question your faith after they have lured you into sin? Do they tell
you they really like you but you’re not good enough to be accepted
by their family (without giving any valid reason)? These are some
examples of manipulation tactics they use to make you feel insecure,
confused and powerless in order to gain leverage over you.
Another thing they’re known for doing is telling you early on about
their painful experiences with exes. To an empath or co-dependent
this comes across as the individual being trusting and vulnerable
enough to open up about their past. However, if they speak badly
about their ex and claim that they were cheated on, abandoned,
abused and lied to then know that this person is most likely to be a
narcissist. Healthy people heal before they enter new relationships
and while they may say a few negative things here and there about
what they went through, they won’t come across as people who are
still wounded, angry and bitter. Narcissists will feed you a dramatic
sob story (from his or her own perspective) to gain your sympathy
and to make you want to look after them and work to prove that you
will never treat them badly or leave them like their ex did. This is
what the narcissist wants to hear, because later on when they start to
show toxic behaviour and their victim wants to leave, they will
gaslight them by saying things like, “I told you, you would break
your promise and leave me like my ex did”, “I knew you never loved
me” and “Thank you for showing your true colours, you deceived
me into thinking you were a nice loyal person.” Co-dependents in
particular will go out of their way to try and impress narcissists by
showing them that they’re nothing like their ex and they absolutely
love this ego-stroking. They will also make extra efforts to prove
they’re loyal, if a narcissist claimed that their ex cheated on them, to
give them plenty of reassurance. However, narcissists take
advantage of this behaviour by being controlling and possessive
whenever they want to be and saying things like, “I’m sorry it will
take me a while to trust someone again after being cheated on,
please bear with me.” They test their partners by saying these things
to see if they will be understanding and accepting of their toxic
behaviour because they have justified it.
If you can relate to most or all of these, then know that who you are,
your Islamic beliefs, morals, faith and principles are being tested
and boundaries are being pushed. If a narcissist accomplishes his or
her mission of bending or breaking your boundaries, then they will
secretly lose all respect for you and it will start to become apparent
in their attitude, actions, words and behaviour. Their next step will
be to discard you and leave you as an emotional wreck while you
wonder what you can do to get them and their approval back.
Narcissists only leave you after they’re satisfied that they’ve
managed to destroy what makes you a good and happy person.
To a normal and healthy person, someone who compromises on
their principles is perceived as a low-value man or woman who
doesn’t have a strong foundation nor truly believe in what they
claim. Healthy practicing Muslims are attracted to people with
strong characters and who show loyalty to The Creator. A narcissist,
however, will see early on during the love-bombing stage that
someone can be manipulated emotionally and will take it as an
opportunity and challenge to deplete him or her from their faith and
mental/emotional stability. At this point, the narcissist will disappear
or turn around and say that they lost interest because you’ve
“changed” and now wants a “practicing wife (or husband)”, making
you feel awful, guilty and depressed. This is something narcissistic
men do more than women and in a matter of days, weeks or months,
you will see them with a new practicing Muslim woman whom
they’re interested in or committed to and the cycle continues.
4. They mock you. I have come across many new Muslims in
particular who have claimed that they have unfortunately been
mocked by Arab Muslims, primarily Gulf Arab students, for
converting to an ‘ancient’ religion that they themselves have run
away from. The strong secular wind that has swept across the
Arabian Gulf in the last few years has driven many young Arabs to
leave Islam and become atheists, blaming a problematic Islamic
upbringing in their homes and countries that pushed them away
from it. These Arab millennials greatly resented their overly-strict
religious leaders and families who banned them from all the
unlawful activities that they saw people (in social media, movies
and during travels) who were living in secular countries enjoying. In
Saudi Arabia, religious police would patrol the streets, malls and
markets to make sure the men prayed in the mosques when it was
time for prayer, that women covered properly in public and that
people were not out on dates. If they were caught, they would be
taken away to a police station for questioning and a woman’s father
would be contacted and asked to collect her (to add to the shame).
As a result, young Arabs rebelled against the cultural restrictions
that they felt Islam imposed upon them and grabbed any chance they
could get via government scholarship programs and family funds to
study abroad in America, the UK and Europe, so they could live
their lives like ‘everyone else’ who were free to do as they pleased.
It was common to see that many of these students cared more about
enjoying a non-Islamic western lifestyle than benefitting from the
western education system.
The role of the religious police in Saudi Arabia has always been to
advise and guide society to become better Muslims. However, after
1979 during The Islamic Awakening era, the religious police strayed
from their original intent. Fueled by an extreme ideology and with
powers unchecked, this organized group of religious men turned
from a friend of society to its enemy by enforcing and implementing
a very strict and hostile version of Islamic law in the public domain.
In recent years, Crown Saudi Prince Mohammad bin Salman
implemented a series of life-changing reforms, which aims to better
the lives of its people, especially women and give them more
freedom of choice. When he removed the privileges and authorities
of the religious police and relaxed many Islamic rules under the
umbrella of ‘Project Vision 2030’ the country witnessed many
changes in people’s faith and the gradual abandonment of an Islamic
lifestyle. According to new public domain rules, women are no
longer forced to wear a hijab in public, men don’t have to pray in
mosques, people can now date in public and live with boyfriends
and girlfriends and people are no longer punished (flogged) if they
wish to publicly declare themselves as being homosexual and/or
atheists. Many conservatives believe that the relaxation of laws has
made people less likely to uphold Islamic values and that the
removal of the religious police has exposed those who were only
complying with Islamic rules to avoid social problems.
When new Muslims meet Muslim Arabs in universities, they’re
often excited to learn from them about Islam and look to them for
guidance, only to be disappointed to learn that many of them don’t
want anything to do with Islam. Not only does this plant seeds of
doubts within the hearts of new Muslims, but it also triggers
depression, as they feel even more alone and lost and don’t know
who to turn to for guidance or who to keep the company of. To
make it worse, many Muslim Arab narcissists will mock new
Muslims and tell them to not live restricting lives like they were
once forced to and to remove the hijab and enjoy and appreciate the
freedoms they have been given in their countries that they have been
deprived of for so long.
As a result of feeling forced to live as practicing Muslims while
growing up, many Arabs have chosen to pursue sinful lifestyles
without feeling any remorse, as they believe that this life is meant to
be enjoyed. Many people, including practicing Muslims who expect
to see a high standard of morality from Arabs who were raised in
Muslim countries, especially Saudi Arabia, get confused when they
see them drinking, clubbing, committing zina, being disrespectful
and generally doing the opposite of what Islam teaches. Non-
Muslims and Muslims alike struggle to understand how people who
are connected to the holy lands haven’t turned out to be practicing
Muslims and great role models for everyone else living in non-
Muslim countries. Therefore, new Muslims in particular who are
unable to separate Islam as a religion from the problematic
behaviour of Muslims or understand the different types of nafs that
people possess, eventually slip back into their old lives, as they start
to think that Islam may not be so special after all or that it is
extremely difficult to be a good Muslim. This is the aim of these
types of narcissists, who do their best to convince other Muslims to
lose their faith and just have fun. This is later supported by non-
Muslims who gloat to converts about how it is true that Islam is a
problematic religion, if Arab Muslims themselves have washed their
hands of it.
The advice I always give to people in general, if they want to learn
about the true meaning of Islam from Muslims and be in the
company of them, is that they seek to befriend those who possess
the traits of al nafs al mutumainnah, or Muslims who possess al nafs
al lawwamah who are on the closer end of the scale to those who
possess al nafs al mutumainnah. These are people who don’t go out
of their way to do the opposite of what is expected of them as
Muslims and if they make mistakes, they’re quick to acknowledge
and rectify them. These types of Muslims will educate you about the
beauty and wonders of Islam, inspire you, lift your faith and bring
you closer to God; whilst others will make you feel inadequate,
distressed and confused. Great Muslims can be found in charity
events, university Islamic societies, Islamic workshops, libraries and
organised Muslim retreats and fun activity trips. Muslims
(especially those who feel alone and don’t belong to supportive
Muslim communities) need to stay away from those who find
excuses for normalising their sins, if they want to protect their faith
and enjoy being practicing Muslims.
5. They will distort the teachings of Islam to spiritually abuse and
control you. This is very common among Muslim narcissist men
who regularly quote verses from The Qur’an and Hadiths about a
wife’s obedience to her husband in order to manipulate her. This
could be intentional or done out of ignorance. Narcissistic men love
to target practicing Muslim women who are more likely to feel
guilty if they feel they aren’t fulfilling their partners’ Islamic rights
and carrying out their duties properly. They can gaslight even the
most intelligent of women and make them doubt themselves and
their knowledge. A narcissist will use manipulation tactics, such as
making you feel stupid for not being able to “clearly see” their
distorted interpretation of a Qur’an verse or Hadith. They may
deliberately offend you by saying that you weren’t raised with the
“correct” Islamic teachings and that they have to take it upon
themselves to teach you how to be a wife. They make women feel
inferior and inadequate while narcissistic women make their
husbands feel worthless as providers if they’re unable to meet their
high financial demands. Women may also humiliate and belittle
their husbands if they’re unable to satisfy them sexually by
comparing them to other men they knew in their past or reminding
them regularly that they’re failures. This causes a dilemma for co-
dependent men who become worried and fear that their wives will
betray them with other men. Narcissistic women will also go out of
their way to find out (and sometimes lie about) what other men do
for their wives to make their husbands feel inadequate, as they’re
not doing (or unable to do) enough to keep them happy. The worst
type of manipulative women are those who complain about their
husbands in front of other people to cause maximum pain and teach
them a lesson. They may even physically hit or verbally disrespect
their men in front of others too to show everyone who is boss. Co-
dependent men usually laugh it off and don’t cause a scene (this
causes their women to lose even more respect for them), but they’re
suffering emotionally inside because they hate how weak they feel.
Narcissistic men, in particular, love to hang onto the harsh
interpretations of Islamic literature by renowned scholars to enforce
power and cause spiritual abuse, which causes many Muslims to
become resentful towards God. Narcissists are able to convince
many people who don’t have a high level of Islamic education that
Islam is discriminative and oppressive towards women. Satan uses
this strategy deliberately, as he knows that if the women turn away
from Islam then the men will eventually do so as well and we are
seeing this happening now with the spread of secular feminism.
Spiritual abuse is the act of using religion to manipulate and get
what a narcissist wants from religious people, who find it hard to
argue against The Qur’an verses and Hadiths provided as evidence.
Some Qur’an verses and Hadiths I have come across that are used to
control and manipulate women are:
Abu Hurairah (ra) reported that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
said:
“If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would
have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband.”
(Sunan Al-Tirmidhi, Riyad-Al-Saliheen, 285)
Although some have declared it authentic based on similar Hadiths,
others have declared it weak. However, the Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) did say this in a relevant context, not because a husband is
elevated to the position of God and not because he is a better
creation, but to emphasize how a Muslim husband is expected to be
in terms of his duties, responsibilities, manners, kindness, love and
practicing of Islam, to receive such a grand gesture of appreciation.
When a man possesses such qualities as a husband and leader of the
family, his wife would naturally want to worship the ground he
walks on (figure of speech) out of her willingness to express her
deep love and admiration for him in the best way. When we hear the
phrase, “she worships the ground he walks on” it doesn’t mean she
literally worships him, The Prophet (pbuh) meant that it would be
perceived as an expression of love if it was permissible for women
to do so. In Islam, prostration is considered to be the highest level of
submission, love, worship and admiration for someone and it has
been saved only for God. It is therefore forbidden to prostrate to
anyone other than God. This Hadith is meant to be an inspiration for
Muslim husbands to improve their character, but unfortunately,
abusive Muslims quote this Hadith to degrade, humiliate and force
their wives to see them as supreme beings who have great authority
over them, rather than deriving the message from the Hadith in the
way it was intended. Some men even go as far as telling their wives
that they will go to hell if they don’t borderline worship and obey
them.
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women by [right of] what
Allah has given one over the other [in strength] and tasked with
supporting them financially from their wealth. And righteous women
are devoutly obedient and when alone, protective of what Allah has
entrusted them with [chastity].”
In this verse, God sets out the dynamic of a successful and balanced
marriage. Many women believe that God favours men over them,
which is why He gave them a higher degree of authority, however,
the authority given here is directed specifically towards their
physical duties as providers. In ancient times, providing for a family
was a very laborious task. They didn’t have machines and
technology to help them with farming, construction and other
physically demanding jobs and so God relieved women from the
task of providing for the family and entrusted men with it, as they’re
naturally physically stronger. In return, a woman is responsible for
taking care of her home, herself, her husband and her children and
should provide a pleasant environment for him when he comes back
home to relax after a hard day’s work. While he is away, she is
expected to should show her gratitude and appreciation to him by
not talking negatively about him behind his back, sharing his
secrets, or giving other men access to her. This verse emphasizes the
importance of marrying a righteous man who can provide you with
security, love and mercy, so that your duties towards him will not be
difficult or a burden. Abu Hurairah (ra) reported that The Prophet
“If a woman prays her five [daily prayers], fasts her month
[Ramadan], guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said
to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you
wish.’”
(Sahih Ibn Hibbaan, 4252)
This Hadith (among others) is often misinterpreted and used as an
excuse to guilt-trip and gaslight women into believing that they may
not go to Paradise if they don’t obey their husbands blindly.
Narcissists make women believe that it’s in their hands as to
whether their wives will go to Paradise or not, by claiming that they
must be pleased in order for their fate to be good. This, of course
isn’t true, as only God can decide who earns Paradise and He is
aware of every oppressor who is using religion to spiritually abuse
and manipulate women into being obedient. However, some women
who believe these men, will go to great lengths to please them out of
fear that they’re not doing enough, so that they don’t get punished or
go to hell. Narcissists love this, as they’re getting an increased sense
of importance and egoistic fuel supply. After being scrutinized and
subjected to constant guilt, many women start to become depressed
when they believe that God isn’t pleased with them. Narcissists
enjoy seeing religious women in this kind of distress (until they’re
forgiven) and will start fights over petty reasons, ignore their wives
for days on end, sleep in another room, punish them for their
mistakes by taking something away, such as cancelling a holiday
and generally take a long time to forgive them for mistakes. They
will do all these things without failing to remind their wives
regularly that they’re displeased, to keep feeding their anxiety.
These men are incredibly insecure and hide behind religion that they
believe gives them power. They use this Hadith to stop their wives
from doing things they love, such as visiting family and friends,
following passions and hobbies, activities, going to work, dressing
well when going out and even studying or running their own
business. The excuse they use is that they have “a duty” to make
sure their wives are practicing Islam properly and are pleasing them,
so that God will be pleased with them too. This controlling
behaviour keeps their wives submissive and aims to break any sense
of independence in them that they feel threatened by, despite being
supportive and admiring of it before marriage (they show women
they’re open-minded to reel them in). The marriage then turns into a
Slave-Master relationship, as these men believe that they own their
wives, rather than see them as equal partners and they gradually
work to destroy the faith and character that once made the women
interesting and beautiful. The anger, bitterness, guilt, shame,
humiliation and lack of self-esteem eats at them until they develop
spiritual heart diseases that can sometimes lead to physical diseases
too if they’re not addressed early on. Another verse that is used by
Muslim narcissists is:
“…marry [other] women of your choice, two or three, or four but if
you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly [with them], then only
marry one…”
This verse is used as a ‘God card’ and is widely misinterpreted to
spiritually abuse women. Women know that God has permitted men
to marry up to four women, but only if they’re able to ensure justice,
stability and equal treatment between them. There is wisdom behind
this ruling though, which most men fail to understand. The wisdom
is to provide support to widows and single mothers who lost their
men to war or women who are facing financial difficulties and need
protection, however, it’s not a rule most women like (or agree with).
Therefore, abusive men use it to cause emotional pain in women to
“keep them in check”. Many men issue empty threats and warn their
wives that if they don’t do what they have commanded them to do,
then they will marry another woman. This is often said to fuel
jealousy, frustration, suspicions, fear, panic, insecurity and
resentment towards God and what He has permitted. Narcissists take
advantage of the fact that their women are dependent on them and
will do what it takes for them to not marry again, as they don’t want
their children to experience a divorce or the “invasion” of another
woman in their lives (who may not be a good person). Narcissistic
men in general have no issues marrying another woman and
completely abandoning the rights of their first wives and their
children, whether they’re still married to them or not. Some may
disappear altogether to live a new life after washing their hands
from all responsibility (including their children), as a punishment to
the first wife who insisted on a divorce or who they claim was “not
obedient enough”. These types of oppressive men will abandon
their families with no money and no line of communication,
knowing very well that it will make life difficult and complicated
for their wives when they apply for khula (Islamic divorce initiated
by the wife) and no one is able to get hold of them to attend the
court appointments. It is a fact that the majority of men are unable to
deal with more than one wife fairly. God said in The Qur’an that if
men wanted to marry more than one, they should be very careful
because they’re highly unlikely to treat them equally and give them
all their due rights, which would make them oppressors. It would
also cause many problems between the wives if they find out they’re
being treated unfairly; and even if they don’t find out, men forget
that God is watching and is aware of the rights that are being
withheld from those who are entitled to them. Only rare and
exceptional men have the right balance of justice, finances, morality
and fairness that qualify them for polygamous marriages. These men
are able to manage their relationships with wives who will live
happily knowing that they’re being treated well and equally. This
makes women more cooperative and less likely to cause problems.
Other men are motivated by their sexual and emotional desires to
marry more women, but they wouldn’t be able to afford it or meet
the requirements.
“And you do not have the ability to do justice between the wives, even
though you may wish to do so.”
It is important to highlight the fact that Islam did not initiate the
system of polygamy. Polygamy existed in pre-Islamic Arabia and
other parts of the world and when The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
came with his message, he sought to improve the existing marriage
system among his people, which was oppressive and immoral. Men
in pre-Islamic Arabia married multiple women in order to have
many sons and grow their tribes. The bigger a tribe was, the higher
it was considered in status, strength and political power. Islam
modified and reformed the system and gave women their rights in
polygamous marriages. It put a limit on the maximum number of
wives that a man could have at one time, which is four, as it was
common in ancient Arabia for a man to have over twenty wives.
Needless to say, these wives received little to no rights, as their
husbands were unable to give them all an equal share of time, care,
attention and provision. According to Islam, having a maximum
number of four wives is more practical, as they can be given one
day each during the week and there would be an extra three days in
which the men can give their attention to the society, friends and
family members, children, travelling and other important matters.
Islam placed great importance on the rights of wives and mandated
that men had to meet stringent conditions if they wanted more than
one wife. The punishment for oppressing wives is severe, which is
why God warns men and advises them, for their own good, to only
marry one. Based on this verse, some governments, (like in Egypt),
assess the circumstances and reasons for a man seeking more than
one wife. The man needs to obtain approval from the family court
and provide evidence that he can financially provide for more than
one woman and any children they have or will have. Unfortunately,
this is not the case in many other communities and countries and so
narcissistic Muslim men get away with oppressing women,
marrying women in secret and generally taking advantage of this
ruling.
Another Hadith that is often used by men against their wives is
narrated by Abu Hurairah (ra) who reported that The Prophet
“When a husband calls his wife to bed and she refuses and [as a
result] the husband spends the night in frustration and anger, then
angels curse the wife all night until dawn.”
Many people don’t speak about this, but rape and sexual violence in
Muslim marriages happen regularly, where women are forced by
their abusive husbands to have sexual relations against their will to
meet their Islamic marital obligations. Due to the accumulation of
disrespect, abuse, manipulation and pain that men cause in the
marital home, wives are unable and unwilling to fulfil the marital
rights of their husbands, whom they hate. Their husbands, however,
refuse to grant them a divorce, but force them into having sexual
relations despite them knowing that their wives hate them. It can be
a painful and traumatic experience, yet men use this Hadith to guilt-
trip and manipulate their religious wives to conform to their
demands. If a narcissistic man doesn’t force his wife to fulfil his
needs, he will usually torture her psychologically by (deliberately)
going to sleep after making it clear that he is displeased and that the
angels will be cursing her all night. Narcissists will say this in
answer to most, if not all legitimate excuses women give for not
being able to fulfil their needs, even when they’re unwell. They may
even toss in a “You’re pushing me to find another wife. Don’t be
surprised if that happens soon” just to create more anxiety.
Protecting chastity is essential for preserving the family unit and
anything that jeopardizes the chastity of Muslims is severely
disliked by God, as it has a ripple effect through our societies. Those
who encourage their spouse to fall into the temptation of Satan and
seek unlawful ways to fulfil their physical desires is committing a
major sin. Of course, men in particular don’t expect their religious
wives to betray them, but many women have been pushed to
breaking point and due to a loss of faith and patience, have involved
themselves in unlawful relationships outside marriage for both
sexual and emotional fulfilment.
This Hadith about the angels cursing someone applies specifically to
(narcissistic) women who use sex to manipulate and punish their
husbands when they don’t get what they want. The majority of
scholars have agreed that the same curse applies to manipulative
narcissistic men who intentionally deprive their wives of their
sexual needs as a form of punishment too.
6. They find it easy to verbally, mentally, emotionally and
physically abuse you. Narcissists always act from a place of low
self-esteem and need to tear others down to feel powerful. You will
find with time that they enjoy chipping away at your confidence
until you feel worthless, unattractive, insecure and super miserable.
The more miserable you are, the better they feel and if they see you
happy, it bothers them. They will escalate petty issues into huge
problems just to spoil your happy mood.
As you will recall, Satan mocked Adam (as), as he believed he was
better and stronger than him and out of jealousy wanted to destroy
this new creation of God. If you apply this to the scenario of
spiritual and physical violence, you will see that an abuser is simply
attempting to damage and destroy what God created before anything
else. A narcissist’s lack of respect for the human soul, body and the
nafs stems from a deep feeling of inferiority. The human soul and
body are so precious that it is even forbidden to kill anyone in war
unless it is in self-defence. Islam teaches us to be the ambassadors
of peace and so Muslims have been forbidden from initiating any
kind of harm, war, or conflict so that they don’t cause disharmony
on this earth. Therefore, when a husband, or any male relative, who
has been entrusted by God to look after those under his care, abuses
them, then he has committed a grave offense towards God’s
creation. The evil whisperings of Satan and his followers are what
allow abusers to continuously work to damage and break the human
spirit, so that it becomes void of love, faith, positivity and strength.
They’re often jealous that you are what they’re not, for example,
you may be loved by all because of your empathy, are able to find
peace and comfort in your prayers and are happier or more
attractive. All these things make narcissists feel that there is
something wrong or missing in them and to make themselves feel
better, they have to get rid of what makes you great, so they don’t
become constant daily reminders of what you have and they don’t.
When you become as miserable as them, they’re satisfied and this is
why (and how) narcissists are able to live with people who don’t
love them. As long as you’re unhappy, they’re happy. When people
suffering from depression no longer have the will to pray, this makes
narcissists happy and they will add fuel to the fire by reminding you
that you’re not a good Muslim anymore and that you never truly
were. The longer the abuser works on their victim, the worse the
consequence, which is why we hear about grievous bodily harm
crimes, rapes, honour killings and domestic violence murders. It
always starts with verbal and psychological abuse with statements
such as, “You’re nothing without me”, “Look at you, you’re so
unattractive”, “You’re lucky that I married you”, “You are so
pathetic and weak”, “I don’t know what I ever saw in you” and
“You need to go and see a Sheikh for ruqyah (exorcism), because
you’re not normal.” Unfortunately, much of this is witnessed by
children too who are learning from this behaviour.
In the most severe cases, we hear of victims taking their lives, as
they’re unable to cope with their depression anymore and have
nowhere else to go. Many children have been traumatised after
finding their parents dead at home from antidepressant overdoses.
Other people may resort to stabbing and killing their narcissistic
partners out of pure anger and frustration. This is indeed a great
accomplishment for Satan and he rewards psychopath criminals by
removing the feeling of remorse from their hearts, so they can easily
move on with their lives. We often hear about domestic violence
crimes in which narcissists push people so far with their abuse, that
their victims react in self-defence and anger, but are then blamed
and punished for the crime when police find that it is the narcissists
who are physically harmed. I remember a day during the pandemic
lockdown when many police cars turned up to a local house in
which a man had been stabbed seventeen times by his wife who
could no longer bear the abuse he was putting her through. She
managed to avoid a jail sentence because her neighbours had
provided witness statements in which they wrote that they
repeatedly heard her husband beating and abusing her for long
periods of time. However, her three young children have been
severely damaged emotionally, as they had to witness what was
happening to their mother and lived in constant fear of their father.
One of the children, who is only six years old, has already resorted
to hitting his mother and two sisters when he is angry or not given
what he wants, as he has observed his father’s behaviour for so long
and learned how to assert power this way and obtain compliance.
In cases like this, with or without evidence of domestic violence, a
woman should be set free immediately from an abusive marriage by
a court and be given a place to stay until she manages to sort her
own accommodation out. However, due to a lack of support from
their families, neighbours, relatives, Muslim councils, judges and
communities, women are forced to bear this abuse in silence and
fear. Unfortunately, many Muslims turn a blind eye to domestic
violence, preferring not to get involved for various reasons, but what
they don’t understand is the detrimental consequences this will have
on children and the society as a whole when the abusers are not held
accountable for their actions. We only have to imagine what kinds of
narcissists many children will grow up to be and how they will
destroy the Muslims of the next generation to understand how
detrimental this problem is to our Ummah. Muslim organisations
and charities, especially government funded ones, should prioritise
providing temporary accommodation, financial aid and counselling
to women and children in these situations. More important than this
is the much-needed awareness that needs to be made about how to
identify and avoid marrying toxic Muslims in the first place. A
Qur’an verse that many abusers quote to justify physical abuse is:
“As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, warn
them [first], [next], refuse to share their beds [and last] beat them [very
gently]; but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means [of
annoyance]; For Allah is Most High and Great [above you all].”
In Islam, causing any harm to your body and the bodies of others is
considered a crime and a sin, so if someone has an abusive nature, they
will interpret Islamic teachings according to their own aggressive
mindset. Abu Hurairah (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
said:
“The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best
behaviour and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives (and
families).”
(Riyad-Al-Saliheen, 278)
We know that God sent The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) as the best moral
role model for us, which made him the best husband to his wives and the
best father to his children. There hasn’t ever been a single narration from
his family members that conveyed he had ever abused anyone inside or
outside his household and he is the one who understands the message of
The Qur’an best. Therefore, if Muslim men want to be great husbands, it
is crucial that they learn about The Prophet (pbuh) and how he dealt with
his family members in all matters, i.e., when they upset him, angered
him, needed him and so on. Reading about the Prophet’s (pbuh) home
life is also important for women, so they can learn about how his wives,
all of whom were promised Paradise by God, treated him in various
situation. His biography and numerous books about his wives teach us
how he expected them to react and deal with problems, how he expected
them to be as wives and mothers and how he achieved a successful
balance of gender roles and marital duties in his homes. I highly
recommend a beautiful book by Fatima Barkatulla entitled ‘Khadijah:
Mother of History’s Greatest Nation’ (2016) that teaches us about the
amazing character of The Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) first love and
most beloved wife. Khadijah (ra) was also the first person to embrace
Islam after The Prophet (pbuh) and the first woman to enter Al Firdaus,
the highest rank of Paradise, in which she has been gifted the honourable
status of being its queen.
The literal translation of this verse to indicate the hitting, beating and
abuse of women is problematic and incongruent with the lifestyle of a
man who never ill-treated his wives. Scholars who came from patriarchal
societies interpreted this verse in a way that suited their own problematic
mindset that has been heavily influenced by pre-Islamic Arabia. These
harsh interpretations gave Muslim narcissists a license to punish their
wives, as they please. Saying that though, there are also women who
challenge their husbands who threaten to hit them when they’re being
‘rebellious’ or ‘difficult’. The men may not mean it, but they hope to
convey the seriousness of the matter by using threats to communicate to
their wives that they have crossed red lines. However, these threats can
turn into physical acts of harm when angry women continue to provoke
them by saying things such as, “Go ahead! If you are a real man you will
beat me and not just throw threats!” Needless to say, if the men are
provoked to do this then the problems dramatically escalate in the heat of
the moment (sometimes to a verbal divorce).
According to authentic Hadiths, the term ‘beat them lightly’ here refers
to the symbolic action of tapping, used with toddlers to discipline them
and show displeasure with their actions. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
was asked by his companions about how it was to be done and he used a
thin toothbrush (miswak) and tapped the shoulder of a companion to
emphasize how harmless it is. It is not intended to humiliate or cause
pain to the woman and should be done in a way that doesn’t leave any
marks on the body. If it leaves marks on the body then the act of
punishment has transgressed to oppression. If a wife insists on being
difficult even after this admonition, then her husband should resort to
counselling and even perhaps a divorce, as it is more honourable for him
to let her go than keep her in the marriage against her will.
Before this step there are two steps a man must take to discipline his wife
fairly and effectively. The first step is an intellectual step, in which a
husband has been requested to communicate with his wife and warn her
about the seriousness of the problem he is having with her. If talking to
her doesn’t help then he should resort to the emotional step of
abandoning the marital bed. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) advised
men to not leave their houses and spend the night somewhere else, as
Satan may encourage them to sin whilst they’re upset with their wives.
Instead he encourages that a man stays in his home, but sleeps in a
different place. It is interesting to note that many women have confirmed
the effectiveness of this second step, as they found it emotionally difficult
to accept that their husbands sleep on the sofa or on the floor and were
more likely to resolve their problems. If this doesn’t work then the third
physical step is required, but there are many people who don’t let it get
that far and prefer to divorce after the second step if the wife is still being
persistent with a bad attitude and is not cooperating with any counselling.
The physical step is an indication that the relationship is reaching a point
of no-return if the wife continues with her problematic behaviour. Most
people will confirm that they don’t like to be hit with anything, even if it
doesn’t cause them pain, as it is being done with displeasure.
According to scholars, this discipline strategy can also be applied to men,
as many women have asked how they should discipline a problematic
husband. I have noticed in my counselling sessions that most men will fix
the situation at the second stage in which their wives are too upset to
have any sexual relations with them. If they’re narcissists, wives may be
forced physically into intimacy, as mentioned earlier and if they’re not
narcissists, they will make efforts to resolve the problems.
This Qur’an verse emphasizes how important it is for a man and woman
to be intellectually compatible, as it is best to resolve all problems in a
peaceful and intellectual way via kind communication. If the
communication between a couple is strong, there will be no need to resort
to emotional and physical ways to help someone understand that what
they’re doing is hurting their partner. However, these steps have been put
in place by God, as He knows better the nature of human beings and
knows that some people are more affected emotionally, while others will
only realise the seriousness of the situation if the punishment is physical.
As God has elevated human beings above all other creations with the
incredible ability to use our intellect to resolve matters and make good
decisions, it makes us more intelligent, honourable and moral to meet
those we have conflicts with at an intellectual level. Therefore, if
Muslims know that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was the best man to
walk the earth and was sent to us as a role model and that physical bodily
harm is forbidden in Islam, we will understand, via our intellect, that it is
not a verse that promotes domestic violence, but rather fair and smart
strategies tailored to the nature of human beings when performed
properly.
This section is important for people to understand the mindset with which
‘religious’ Muslim narcissists operate and how they work for Satan to fulfil
an ulterior motive. They may not be aware of it, but their actions and efforts
are always directed towards destroying who you are and your faith and love
for God. You may have noticed that their behaviour is almost text-book
style and that the religious types in particular are all similar and use the
same manipulations, words and tactics. The answer for this is simply that
they have the same leader from whom they take their commands. Muslim
narcissists are sent out on different missions, according to the level of
narcissism they’re placed in. I will now dive a little deeper to explain how
narcissists are raised in Muslim households and what influenced them from
a young age to become abusers and develop this disorder as adults.
How is a Narcissistic Personality Developed in a
Muslim from Childhood?
It is difficult to ascertain if a young child will grow up to be narcissistic
because children express their anger and negative traits in the form of bad
behaviour, which is normal and doesn’t mean that they have a disorder. You
will start to notice a child take on the narcissistic traits of his or her father
or mother during teenage years and if left unaddressed, it can continue to
develop until it reaches a more advanced level. To understand why some
children are likely to grow up as narcissists, we need to go back to the
foundation and find the purpose of marriage and having children in Islam.
God says:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you
may find tranquillity [sakinah] in them; And He placed between you love
[mawaddah] and mercy [rahmah]. Indeed, in that are signs for people who
give thought.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Rum: 21)
The importance of this verse lies in the intended outcome of a Muslim
marriage and the three main components that make a marriage happy,
peaceful and successful. If these three components aren’t present together in
a marriage, then it’s no longer considered to be a relationship that God
wants for us and a kind and civil divorce becomes an option for those
whose marriages are deprived of them. The primary purpose of marriage is
finding peace, contentment, tranquillity, love, support and comfort in our
spouse, as a spouse is considered to be a great rizq (blessing) to help us on
our journey back to God and a beautiful Hereafter. The main purpose
behind having a good Muslim husband or wife is to help us face the trials
and tests of this life, to remind each other to always do the right thing by
God and people and to encourage the continuation and practicing of Islam,
such as the daily prayers, so that an Islamic lifestyle, faith and mindset can
be gifted to the next generation too via our children. The word ‘sakan’ in
Arabic implies that a couple can find comfort in one another and connotes a
sense of being in a place of safety, refuge and stability. The word ‘sakinah’
means peace, which refers to a peaceful home with no shouting and abuse
and also peace of mind, knowing that the person we’re married to is loyal
and trustworthy. In other words, it’s important to feel safe and secure with
our spouse so we can develop a deep intimate connection with them,
spiritually, intellectually and physically. It is during our trials and hardships
that we need and appreciate the safety and comfort of our spouses the most
and when they’re present, love can blossom and everyone around us will
benefit from our positive energy, especially children.
‘Mawaddah’ translates to a kind of love that is deep and has a grounded
spiritual source. It goes far beyond the dopamine-fuelled passion and
infatuation that’s present at the beginning of a relationship. Someone who
deeply loves you will go above and beyond to fulfil their marital duties and
will enjoy seeing you happy. They will try their best to support you in any
way they can and lift your nafs higher by encouraging you to pursue your
passions, have a good connection with God, do what you love that’s good
for you and be a better Muslim. This type of love is often communicated by
actions, gestures and affection that meets the human emotional need for
love, romance and intimacy. In Islam, love is the expression of gratitude
and appreciation for our blessings, which should be practiced regularly.
Many studies found that couples who work together as a team and express
their appreciation regularly report much higher levels of contentment and
happiness than others. This beautiful aspect of love gives us the ability to
live with one another despite our differences, as conflicts are resolved in a
kind, patient and respectful manner.
The third part is ‘rahmah’ (mercy), which is a great contributor to peace
and love and without it, one can’t have a happy and healthy marriage. The
element of mercy ensures that we won’t oppress, be cruel, abuse and
deprive each other of marital rights. The ability to show patience, kindness,
empathy, compassion and tolerance are traits of the believers, as it allows
space for love to grow. For example, a husband who helps his wife with
house chores is showing mercy towards her, especially if she’s pregnant
and/or has young children and a wife who doesn’t pressurize her husband
for things she knows he’s unable to afford is showing mercy and
compassion towards him too. It is also a merciful act to provide a safe
environment for your spouse to live in, so they don’t fear returning home
each day, knowing they will or may be abused.
This brings me to the important point of understanding the type of home
a Muslim narcissist was raised in that didn’t have sakinah, mawaddah and
rahmah. The abandonment of these three elements in a marriage and the
poor choice of spouse who is incapable of meeting high moral standards
and providing a safe family environment are what significantly contribute
to the development of both narcissistic and co-dependent personality
disorders in children. With regards to our generation, I will refer to the
upbringing of our grandparents and parents who were raised in either very
liberal/non-Islamic homes, or very strict Islamic homes and patriarchal
cultural societies between the 1940s and 1960s, primarily in The Middle
East, Africa and South Asia. Unwanted arranged marriages, forced
marriages, underage marriages and marriages that were arranged to achieve
some sort of financial, social, or political gains for the individual and/or
family have had far-reaching negative effects for Muslims and our
communities today. Islam strictly forbids forced marriages and allows men
and women the freedom to choose who they’d like to marry and spend the
rest of their lives with, so that we enjoy marital life. Abu Hurairah (ra)
narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“A woman without a husband (divorced or widowed) must not be married
until she is consulted and a virgin must not be married until her permission
is sought.”
(Sahih Muslim, 1419a)
We are advised to make very thoughtful decisions in regards to who we
marry and consult wise elders (practicing Muslim believers) about it,
because it’s a decision that will shape the rest of our lives and affect the
next generation. A large number of men and women are, unfortunately,
deprived of marrying good people and enjoying a fulfilling marriage due to
forced and mismatched marriages. They’re pressurized, manipulated and
sometimes even threatened to accept a cousin from ‘back home’, an elderly
wealthy man or woman and someone who isn’t a practicing, educated or
morally decent Muslim, for various reasons as mentioned earlier. This
results in a large number of resentful men and women who don’t love their
husbands and wives and find it difficult to fulfil their marital duties towards
them, making them either feel guilty or act rebellious and therefore prone to
verbal, spiritual and physical abuse (if they’re married to narcissists).
Furthermore, a narcissistic man who sees that a woman isn’t respected by
her family members (as she was forced against her will to marry him) will
ultimately not respect her either and abuse her too. A good man, if she’s
lucky, will feel sorry for her and do his best to take care of her, knowing it’s
not her fault she has a problematic family. As mentioned in an earlier
chapter, narcissistic men will very rarely marry narcissistic women (unless
there’s a great financial and social benefit in doing so), because they both
know each other’s games and manipulations. Narcissists are on the constant
hunt for ego supply and they know that it can only come from innocent and
vulnerable people who trust them and fall for their lies, manipulations,
deceptions and promises, unlike their associates. If they do marry other
narcissists, it’s highly likely that they will end up causing severe physical
and psychological damage to each other because of the constant fights over
power, dominance and trying to outsmart one another. The children who are
born into these households always grow up with a plethora of mental health
issues and become narcissists too. If they fail to please their parents then
they may become co-dependent and seek validation elsewhere, but usually
they’re brought up and programmed to be narcissists too and copy the
behaviour of both parents. They’re often the worst school bullies who
receive no love at home and take out their stress, frustration and anger on
others, including their siblings.
Narcissists love to target men and women who come from dysfunctional
families. In most cases, women are tolerant of marital abuse because they’re
used to dealing with the narcissistic men in their families too, who have
clearly communicated to them that they won’t be accepted back into the
family house as divorcees and have everyone “look down” upon them.
These women, including their mothers who are often miserable too, fear
that they won’t be able to get married again if they’re divorced, especially if
they have children and therefore choose to stay. In many patriarchal
families and societies, divorced women are perceived as failures, as it’s
assumed that they were divorced as a result of a terrible mistake/sin they
committed, a bad character, their inability to have children and/or run a
household and be good wives. This brings shame and embarrassment to
their families, as they feel that they didn’t do a good enough job to raise
their daughters to be moral and good wives (i.e., very submissive, chaste,
well-mannered and skilled in house work). This toxic cultural mentality
towards divorced women is what lessens their chances of getting re-married
again, hence why so many mothers become angry and distressed when their
sons (who haven’t been married before) introduce them to divorced women
whom they would like to marry. The women are simply (and wrongly)
perceived as ‘faulty goods’, even though they’re usually far more mature
than women who haven’t been married before and have more realistic
expectations of men and marriage. They’re also more likely to appreciate a
good man if they experienced living with someone abusive who didn’t take
care of them. As the saying goes, you won’t appreciate the sweetness of a
good apple before you’ve tried a sour one. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
himself married divorced women and treated them no less than she who
wasn’t – Aishah (ra). In fact, to marry divorced women, who entered a
relationship lawfully with everyone knowing about it, is more honourable
than marrying women who have had a string of boyfriends and engaged in
unlawful intimacy with them. However, a blind eye is often turned with
young women who have had boyfriends because they’re young, beautiful
and don’t have the status of being “divorced”. In God’s eyes, it’s more
pious for a woman to be married and divorced ten times (every marriage
procedure needs to be followed the correct way, with honourable intentions
and both families being aware and involved in the process for her
protection) than for her to have one unlawful relationship. Unfortunately,
many Muslims put the laws and approval of society above the laws and
approval of God, which doesn’t make them true believers. Men can also
worry about a divorce, especially when they have children. They worry
about leaving their children alone with a toxic mother or about their
children being raised by a problematic step-father. It concerns them that
they won’t be able to see their children often if they get a divorce and that a
divorce and child custody procedure in court will be lengthy and expensive.
They also have the same worries about getting re-married to someone good
who will accept them and their children. Due to all these reasons, many
men prefer to stay in toxic marriages because they can’t be bothered and
have no energy to go through the stresses, financial losses and hassles of a
divorce. It’s also daunting for them to even think about starting a long and
tedious search for a new wife, especially when they see their friends and
family members really struggle to find suitable people to marry.
Another issue that divorced women have faced by some Muslim
communities is the refusal to give them gold and/or dowries that are the
same or more than women who are younger and haven’t been married
before. In many Muslim societies, divorced women are considered to be
‘less’ in status (especially single mothers) and are therefore not deserving of
a high dowry. This has unfortunately encouraged some women who were
originally practicing to lose their faith and patience and get involved in
unlawful relationships, because they weren’t appreciated and valued for
being chaste, decent and doing what was pleasing to God. Other divorced
women who kept their faith married men outside their communities, often
European converts or Muslims from different ethnicities, while others who
weren’t so religious married non-Muslims who were kinder, non-
judgemental and more appreciative of them than Muslims were. There were
also some Muslim women who, from feeling discriminated against and
marginalised, left Islam and the Muslim community altogether. This
explains why, despite the many changes that have recently taken place to
remove the stigma attached to divorcees, many women choose to remain in
their abusive marriages, as they fear that it would be hard to re-marry and
don’t want to go through the humiliation and emotional pain that would be
inflicted upon them by their family members and society to make them feel
inadequate. Abdullah Ibn Umar (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) said:
“The most hateful of halal (lawful) matters to Allah is divorce.”
Some scholars have said that this narration is weak, however, if we look
at how so many Muslims use it to justify the shame they inflict upon
divorced women in particular, we can see that if it’s truly the most disliked
act that’s permissible by God then it will be because God knows how many
people will be unjust in the divorce process. It is an indirect message for us
to make sure we marry people with whom the chances of divorce would be
very low. Our Ummah’s strength is built on a foundation of strong family
units and we know how detrimental the consequences can be on our
societies when the foundation is built on weak and broken homes in which
Islam, love and peace are non-existent. God is aware that not everyone will
divorce in a kind and just way, which will lead to the eventual destruction
of society, if our men, women, children and homes are regularly being
broken by abusive individuals. So, while God has given Muslims the right
to a divorce, should sakan, mawaddah and rahmah not be present in their
marriages, because people aren’t making the required efforts to ensure that
those elements are present to keep a family together, (especially if there are
children involved), then yes, it’s not pleasing to God that a divorce should
happen, as a result of individuals intentionally creating toxic marital home
environments to live in. Therefore, it goes without saying that if peace, love
and mercy aren’t present in the marriage God wants us to have, then they
definitely won’t be present in what God ordered to be a kind and civil
divorce procedure. A divorce would surely be a hateful thing to God when
it’s done in an oppressive, cruel, stressful and immoral manner by Muslims
who are careless and aren’t true believers.
“And most of the people, although you strive [for it], are not [true]
believers.”
(Al-Quran, Yusuf: 103)
A large number of women I spoke to, who married very traditional
narcissistic men, found that when they complained and informed their
families that they were being abused, they didn’t find the support they
needed and were instead forced to go back to their marital homes to not
bring their families shame. This was especially the case when they chose
(and sometimes fought for) the men they married and so they were expected
to deal with the consequences of their ‘bad’ decisions on their own. In
many cases, it’s actually their mothers who force them to go back to their
abusive husbands, as they expect their daughters to cope, as they have
coped (and survived) all these years to preserve the reputation of the family.
All the while, the abusers are watching and gaining more and more control
over their wives, as no one is willing to get involved and bear the
responsibility of taking care of them and their children if a divorce was to
happen. It is for this reason many ‘religious’ narcissists prefer to marry the
innocent young village women from “back home” because they aren’t
westernized (i.e., not corrupted by feminist ideologies) and have been raised
by both their parents to be submissive and serve men. These women are
generally uneducated when it comes to their Islamic and citizenship rights,
which make them much easier to manipulate and control, as they’re
completely dependent on their husbands for everything in a foreign country.
Some of these women resort to running away or committing suicide if
they’re unable to find the help and support they need from local Muslim
communities, families and Islamic courts.
Children copy the behaviour of their parents, so boys will often turn out
like their fathers and girls will often turn out like their mothers. There’s a
famous saying that goes, “If you want to know how a girl will become when
she’s older, look at her mother.” There is truth in this, but only when girls
have a very close relationship with their mothers. Girls who don’t may turn
out to be very different, especially if they move out during early adulthood
and form their own personalities based on the influences their friends and
new environments have on them. The same goes for boys who are very
close to their fathers and idolise them. When boys see their mothers as
being weak and unable to stand up for themselves against their abusive
fathers (in many cases, she’s only being patient and staying in the marriage
for their sake), they will start to exhibit the same behaviour towards her, as
they see this as being normal and will form an on-going belief that this is
how wives (and women in general) are to be treated. They will always
compare women to their mothers and expect them to be as submissive,
tolerant and as patient as their mothers are and simply don’t understand
women who find their bad behaviour and attitude unacceptable.
I remember a client I was coaching through a difficult marriage who had
two boys, one five years old and the other seven years old. Her husband
was a narcissist and knew how much she was attached to them and so he
kept threatening to take the children and move to another city if she applied
for a divorce in court. Due to her greatest fear of losing her children to him
she stayed in the marriage and endured a lot of verbal abuse, disrespect and
manipulation. Both her children went through the unfortunate ordeal of
watching how their father treated their mother until disrespect became the
norm for them. Her eldest son would shout and say the same things as his
father and often answered back to his grandparents too (his father didn’t
like them either because they supported their daughter). The elder son was
the golden child to the father, as he was more beautiful and always copied
his narcissistic behaviour. He was rebellious with his mother but was very
loyal and obedient to his father whom he respected. This child learned that
to be respected and powerful, one must mistreat women, elders and those
who they believe to be weak or inferior (such as his younger brother). He
treated girls terribly at school and even when he received calls from
distressed teachers about it, his father didn’t discipline him. He would fill
their heads with toxicity about how their mother doesn’t love them and
wants to leave them and how their grandparents want their parents to
divorce, so that they feel sorry for him, support him and choose to stay with
him, in the case a divorce happens. The eldest son witnessed first-hand how
much power his father had over his mother and was eager to learn how to
be the same. She told me that every time he proved his loyalty to his father,
he would take him out for ice cream, buy him sweets, take him to the
funfair or go to the park to play football. Therefore, the golden child saw
that instead of being disciplined for bad behaviour, he was being rewarded.
His father didn’t allow his wife to have any control or disciplinary authority
over the eldest child in particular either and if she was to punish him, he
would defend him and dismiss the punishment, thus belittling her in front of
them. This resulted in them both not being raised properly nor learning right
from wrong. The younger son had co-dependency tendencies due to his
empathy and behaved more like his mother. This ‘weak’ behaviour isn’t
rewarded by a narcissistic parent and so the child grows up feeling that he
or she isn’t worthy of being rewarded or loved because they aren’t like their
‘golden’ siblings. The child would only get rewarded if he dared to answer
back to his mother or defend his father. A narcissist only pretends to be a
good parent who disciplines their badly-behaved children when in front of
others, much to the confusion of the children, as they’re used to getting
away with it at home and haven’t been made to believe that what they’re
doing is wrong. As they get older, this behaviour becomes a part of their
character, which is why narcissists always have one face at home and
another in public. They become two different people with different values
and morals, as they want everyone else to perceive them as great people,
while at home they can be themselves (awful).
Mothers in this situation will usually take out their anger and frustration
on their children, especially when they’re rebellious and behave badly. They
will (unintentionally) shout, hit, verbally abuse and be tough with their
children, as a way to get some parental control back too. Due to their
mental health issues and depression, they become incapable of giving
sufficient love, kindness and compassion to their children who are greatly in
need of it. To them, this is interpreted as abandonment and they build up
feelings of hatred towards their mothers and inadvertently become more
and more like their narcissistic fathers. Other mothers may just implement
‘tough love’ so that their children grow up ‘strong’ and not ‘weak’ like they
believe they are. This will often involve taking away something or doing
something children hate out of the intention that it’s for their own good.
Many people grew up believing that it was their mothers who were the
narcissists, but it wasn’t true. The behaviour of a narcissist can push a co-
dependent partner to become void of love and care so that it appears as so
they’re the abusers. Living with a narcissist can cause mothers to lose their
loving, feminine and caring maternal side with children, as they’re always
burdened with so much stress and anxiety to deal with. This is made worse
when the narcissists find a new source of supply (women who aren’t worn
down and depleted like their wives) and ‘discards’ the family, leaving their
wives/ex-wives to be single mothers who now have the extra stress and
worry of providing for their children.
According to Islamic teachings, the period from being a new-born until
the age of seven is the most critical, as a child’s need for love, acceptance,
unconditional love and patience will help shape their view of what
parenthood and a family should be like. Children need nurturing and their
minds are like sponges, so what they see and learn in the first seven years of
their lives will also shape their personalities as they grow. If a boy is
deprived of love, affection and kindness as a child, he will start to lose
empathy towards others. He will be indifferent towards those around him,
as he’s not being taught at home how to look after his spiritual heart and
practice good moral behaviour. Some boys may also live with double-
standard narcissistic fathers who are superficially practicing (but their
actions are contradictory) and so they grow up to practice Islam in the same
manner where the spiritual and moral elements are missing and there are no
joyful, spiritual and moral gains from their prayers and other worship
rituals. To them, praying and memorising Qur’an verses are just ‘chores’
that need to be done to ‘look good’ for their parents and prove to others
they’re good Muslims. As a result of this, these children don’t know how to
solve their mental health issues and are likely to either become extreme in
their practicing to gain social approval or abandon Islam later in their lives.
Similar to what they saw their fathers do, most will use Islamic law as a
tool for their benefit. Parents will pass on the habits of unhealthy parenting
to their children until someone in the family becomes unaware and breaks
the cycle. Most parents who weren’t taught how to form a spiritual
connection with God and raise children to be balanced and mentally healthy
individuals are unable to raise their children differently, as they believe that
the way they were raised was normal. We often see that many parents who
are very strict and Islamic in their conduct have children who become
rebels and commit every sin under the moon and the sun, as soon as they
get some freedom. They can also be the children of prominent scholars and
imams, however, they never fully grasp the importance of being Muslim,
because an Islamic way of life that is void of spirituality and a deep love for
God has been forced on them. These people (including their parents)
haven’t experienced the beauty of the spiritual aspect of Islam. All they
know is, if they don’t practice the Islamic rituals and comply with Islamic
laws, they will get punished by their parents and God will eventually throw
them into hell. These children subconsciously develop resentment towards
God, who is perceived as a merciless Creator who just wants to make their
lives difficult when He tells them that they must obey their parents, whom
they perceive as abusers. Therefore, many Muslims perform quick absent-
minded prayers to just avoid being punished, while their mindsets are far
from being in a state of worship and gaining rewards for being good to their
parents. When these two issues are combined, it leads to the formation of a
Muslim narcissist.
Not validating children when they display empathic traits such as
kindness, loyalty, respect and patience is a huge mistake that parents make.
Children who are validated and rewarded only when they receive good
grades at school or when they’re looking particularly nice will be more
likely to be narcissistic when they’re older and attach their self-value to
their looks and achievements. They’ll grow up expecting to be admired by
everyone for what they manage to do, regardless of how they managed to
obtain what they have, i.e., by cheating, stealing and lying. As little
emphasis was placed on their good character as children, they won’t value
morality and treating people well. Muslim boys in particular who have
narcissistic fathers, receive little to no acknowledgment of their good traits.
Empathic traits are perceived by narcissistic fathers as weakness and boys
are expected to be ‘strong’, to ‘man up’, not ‘cry like girls’ when they’re
hurt and to ‘toughen up’ in every distressing situation. This conditions men
from a young age to believe that expressing pain and vulnerability is only
associated with girls and women and not “real men”. In order to receive the
validation and admiration from their fathers, they can’t display any of what
they perceive to be feminine traits, if they want to be respected. As a result,
many Muslim men become emotionally unavailable as adults and struggle
to show gentleness, compassion and emotional understanding with their
families and others. By nurturing, validating and rewarding empathic traits
in children, parents can help them to become healthy empathic people who
don’t need to suppress their emotions that can have terrible consequences,
such as severe depression that can sometimes lead to suicide. When boys
aren’t taught how to deal with sadness, hurt, heartbreak, grief and pain they
become more likely than others to turn to harmful things and sins to make
them feel better, such as drugs, involvement in gangs and pornography.
Girls who suffer from a lack of morality and compassion will often show no
remorse when hurting others, because they grew up to believe that it’s
normal to be that way and weren’t corrected, scolded or punished for their
problematic behaviour and attitudes by their parents (unless the bad
behaviour was directed at them). Narcissistic parents will teach their
children that it’s okay to be selfish and heartless in order to “survive” in the
real world and that “nice people finish last”. There’s a famous Arab saying
that goes, “If you don’t become a wolf, the wolves will eat you”. This of
course is contrary to Islamic beliefs that teach us that empathic people are
the best of people, especially when they have the correct boundaries in
place with others, so they’re not perceived as weak or taken advantage of.
Another factor that can contribute to a child’s diminishing sense of
morality is when parents use their children as flying monkeys to spy on
others, like their aunts, cousins, relatives or even neighbours. Narcissistic
women feel empowered when they find out the weakness or misfortune of
someone else and so they use their children as a way to get information.
Children are innocent and people usually don’t suspect them to be listening
in on their conversations, so they can easily be used by mothers for this.
Narcissists also use their children to spy on their ex-husband or wife,
especially when they’re separated or divorced. This is mostly done by
mothers, who teach their children to fish for information about their fathers
and fill them in on it. If the father or mother has re-married, the child is
taught to report each and every movement of their stepmother or stepfather.
This is extremely harmful to the child’s moral and ethical upbringing, as
they start to consider it as acceptable behaviour. A client once told me that
she caught her step-daughter secretly taking lots of photos of her on her
iPad, because her mother wanted to see what she looked like. It starts as a
chore for the kids but develops into a habit that they carry into their own
lives as adults. Because of this, they don’t learn how to value the privacy of
others and that these acts of spying, gossiping and backbiting are
considered sinful in Islam. They also learn from a young age how to use
people to do their ‘dirty work’ as adults. Narcissistic Muslim parents are
also known to use other elders as flying monkeys to shame their children
when they do something wrong. This has damaging consequences on the
mental health of the child or teenager, who can start to develop hatred
towards their parents for exposing them to others. They threaten their
children to get other people involved if they don’t behave, using fear as a
weapon and when other elders are given permission by their parents to
discipline and/or lecture them, it greatly annoys them.
Another reason children turn out to be narcissistic later in life is if they
were sexually abused by family members or strangers who were meant to
care for them. Any kind of abuse and trauma they experienced in their
childhood that was suppressed, because they had no one to talk to, is
expressed in abusive behaviour as they grow up. Anger that is bottled inside
and towards their abusive mothers, in particular, is taken out on other
women. These boys feel they need to put up a protective barrier because
they were let down by mothers who are meant to nurture and protect them.
The mindset, “I will hurt people before they hurt me” is what they learned
from a young age, hence why they become bullies at school and destroy
everyone in their path to get what they want without feeling bad about it.
They subconsciously feel that because of the difficult childhood they had,
everyone owes it to them to treat them in the best way possible without
them making any efforts for this. They force people to respect them, rather
than earn it like healthy people do. Unfortunately, narcissists weren’t taught
how to give or receive love, so it’s not something they can offer others. The
best they can do is pretend to love you, if that’s what gets them to their
goal. Boys whose life decisions were controlled by their fathers, such as
who they will marry and which career they will pursue want to feel the
same power and will look for people they can control. It is usually their
employees, wives and children who bear the brunt of their control and are
treated as objects and puppets there to serve them, rather than as individual
beings with their own opinions, lifestyles and feelings.
The same applies to girls who copy the behaviour of their narcissistic
mothers when they’re young and learn the manipulative tricks to exercise
power over good men. Have you noticed that beautiful narcissistic women
always end up with nice men? It is because their manipulation only works
on them and they’re patient enough to tolerate their flaws. Co-dependent
men are very much drawn to bitchy and attractive bougie (high
maintenance) women, as they perceive them as an exciting challenge. They
often want to be the ‘heroes’ and help narcissistic women overcome their
issues and feel safe and secure, but are the ones who end up getting hurt and
heartbroken when they’re abandoned, betrayed, disrespected, used and
abused. Co-dependents don’t understand that narcissists are people who
don’t care about the feelings of others and don’t know how to take
accountability for their actions because their parents didn’t encourage this
in them. All their lives they have blamed others for their problems and used
empaths and co-dependents as scapegoats, to escape from dealing with their
own problems. They reward their partners and keep them in the relationship
by telling them things like, “If it wasn’t for you I’d be in a very bad place
now” and “If I didn’t have you, my life would be a mess” and so on, which
makes them feel so happy and powerful to hear it and encourages them to
make more efforts to “save” the narcissists from their own misery, not
knowing they’re being manipulated. The truth of the matter is, most
narcissists don’t want to change or face their own realities and co-
dependents don’t expect them to make the effort to change themselves, as
they find great joy in hearing statements such as “I think you’re going to be
the one to change me” and “You’re going to save me and make my life
better”. The narcissist is aware that by saying these things it places the
responsibility in their partners’ hands whilst they wash their own from
having to work on themselves and taking accountability for their actions.
Co-dependents allow them to enjoy being the victims and so they find no
reason or will to change and be better.
Many Muslim women who have been abused by men during their
childhood grow up with resentment, no trust for men in general and feelings
of guilt, as their abusers blamed them for the abuse they were put through.
They really don’t care if they hurt, blame, discard and destroy the good men
who love them, as long as they get what they want and need (sometimes, all
they want from a man is a child, before they disappear). The same goes for
men too. Narcissists will also manipulate if they want you back at a later
stage, by saying things like “I wish you were here, I’m so lost without you”
and “I’m so depressed, I wish you didn’t let me go”. They continue to show
that they’re dependent on others for happiness, to be saved and to feel better
about themselves. They also blame others for their bad decisions, breakups
and behaviour. The best way empaths and co-dependents can help and save
narcissists, isn’t by being their heroes, but by allowing them to find the
heroes within themselves when they make their own efforts to change. If
they don’t do this then they will eventually become depressed themselves
trying to help them, as they feel overwhelmed, suffocated and drained by
the narcissists’ issues.
This brings me to a prominent factor that contributes to the development
of narcissistic behaviour in a child, which is being over-spoiled by parents,
especially if he or she is the only child. The term ‘spoiled brat’ is a
derogatory term for children who display exaggerated behavioural
problems, such as tantrums and excessive stubbornness, to get what they
want. This is a result of being overindulged by their parents and other
caregivers (i.e., nannies, aunties and grandparents). If the narcissistic parent
has a child-centred life and puts the child on a high pedestal, then they will
develop selfish tendencies, such as lying, being arrogant, being selfish,
feeling entitled to get what they want without having to work for it and
demanding undue respect and authority. This is especially the case if the
child comes from a privileged background, a wealthy home, or carries a
high-status family name and is regularly praised for these things. This type
of pampering encourages the child to believe he or she is better than others
and they become overtly entitled and manipulative, as they know they can
get away with it. The ‘golden child’ and ‘mummy’s boy’ is often the most
beautiful child who has their parent running around to make sure he or she
gets what they want and that they’re always happy. ‘Mummy’s boys’ are
also supported and defended when they get into fights and conflicts with
other children at school, as the parent doesn’t like anyone to put their child
in a negative light. These children don’t learn how to accept moral
responsibility for their bad behaviour and treatment of others, as the parent
deals with it by giving the child excuses, so as to not upset them. They may
also unintentionally teach the child to be selfish when they (regularly)
accept that he or she doesn’t want to share toys or sweets with other
children. Some parents even do their child’s homework for them to make
life more convenient and serve them food in their bedroom, instead of
requesting that they eat at the dinner table with everyone else. The older a
child gets, the more he or she will assess what they can get away with and
will enjoy pushing and testing people’s boundaries. The inability to tell the
truth, to say ‘sorry’, ‘forgive me’ or admit that they’re wrong as an adult
often stems from a lack of practice as a child. In my experience of
counselling Muslim parents, I’ve observed that parents who believe that
their children are better, special, more beautiful and deserve more attention
than others, pass on that point of view to their children through their
actions.
One of the toughest hardships that golden children can experience is the
severe illness or death of the parent who spoiled them. Too often I have
seen grown men who are still stuck in a child’s mindset, as it’s their only
way of coping with the loss of their mothers. They look for their mothers in
every woman they meet and desire to be spoiled, pampered and served by
them. Their siblings will also struggle to deal with them, as these narcissists
don’t want to help around the house at all and find it very distressing when
they have to go out of their way to do something for the family, such as the
supermarket shopping or other errands. They’re happy to live in a ‘dump’,
as long as they don’t have to lift a finger and will wait for a sibling or
parent to clean up, much to their frustration. They will also use other
people’s cars, clothes, jewellery and food without feeling the need to return
them in the same good condition or replace them. If they’re asked to pull
their weight, they will usually ‘snap’, shout at everyone and create a big
drama. Narcissists react this way to stop people asking them for anything in
the future and it usually works. They hold on so tightly to their fond
childhood memories and find it difficult to let go and take responsibilities
and accountability for their actions, as their mothers had shouldered them
for so long on their behalf. They were so reliant on their mothers to take
away everything negative from them and struggled later to live in the ‘real
world’ where other people aren’t as kind, lenient, tolerant and forgiving, as
their mothers were. These men are happiest with women who resemble
their mothers physically and in character. The same applies to narcissistic
women who lost fathers who spoiled them and let them ‘get away with
murder’ when they were younger.
In Islam, it’s considered to be honourable if a man is close to his mother
and honours her, however it becomes an unhealthy attachment if she
doesn’t teach him boundaries and discipline when he steps out of line.
Parents may not intentionally do this, but it’s a specific trait of narcissistic
mothers to elevate the ‘golden child’. They parade the child around in the
family and among friends and post their photos all over social media, so
that they receive an unhealthy level of importance and attention. As these
boys turn into adults, their mothers set out on a mission to find the most
beautiful wives for them, as that is what they ‘deserve’. It’s very difficult to
satisfy these mothers, as most people simply aren’t good enough or unable
to reach their sons’ high standards of beauty and in many cases, career
achievements too. If they’re doctors, lawyers, barristers, engineers or
surgeons then mothers will be extremely picky about who their sons will
marry. Some mothers will choose model-like and fair narcissistic brides,
especially if they come from an elite family, while others choose pretty co-
dependent wives whom they believe will be obedient enough to serve their
husbands and in-laws too. However, if their sons aren’t good looking and
become chefs, artists or pursue a profession that doesn’t make them
particularly proud, then they aren’t too fussed about who they marry - but
they can be when they want to make life difficult. In some cases, if a girl
isn’t ‘pretty enough’, ‘thin enough’ or ‘fair enough’ (in the mother’s eyes)
then she can complicate matters, just for the sake of being difficult. Many
co-dependent women who haven’t reached the acceptable beauty standards
of narcissistic Muslim mothers are dismissed as options, causing them to
feel depressed, ugly and worthless. Many young women (with low self-
esteem) will even resort to cosmetic procedures and using dangerous
chemical cosmetic products, such as skin whiteners, because men’s mothers
have made them believe or confirmed their internal beliefs that they’re not
attractive or wife-material. If their sons insist to marry these co-dependents
and empaths, then their mothers will make it a habit to regularly drop
offensive comments and hints to remind them of their disapproval, which
causes many marital problems. They will also praise and admire the beauty
of other women (including other daughters-in-law) in front of them to hurt
them. These mothers don’t care if they cause marital problems for their
sons, because they perceive it as their due punishment for insisting on
marrying women they disapprove of. The more arguing these mothers hear
between the young couple, the happier they become.
The control this type of mother has over her son’s life decisions shapes
his personality as an adult man and he will often go back to her for
validation, praise and comfort when he doesn’t get what he wants from his
wife and other people. When a strong woman doesn’t accept his immature
behaviour and corrects him when he’s wrong, he finds it very difficult to
deal with, feels insecure and runs back to his mother for her support and
opinion. A narcissistic mother will stand by her fully-grown son even if it’s
very clear he’s in the wrong during a conflict, because she wishes to remain
the only one who he will go back to and also so she can continue having
control and authority over him. For this reason, you will find that many
Muslim men choose to live in their parents’ house even after getting
married, so that both they and their mothers can monitor and have full
control over their wives and children - and if they don’t do it out of it being
their own choice, then it will be because their mothers have demanded that
they live with them. Needless to say, this can cause a lot of problems for the
women who are caught in the middle of a power struggle and have to deal
with two different types of narcissists in their marital home.
The co-dependent brothers will often be pressurized and guilt-tripped
into living with their mothers when they’re married, because they’re
expected to have more of an empathic ‘serving role’ than their fellow
narcissist brothers. Narcissistic mothers will use phrases such as, “You’re
going to leave me to grow old and die alone after I raised you all these
years” or “A man will earn Paradise if he doesn’t abandon his elderly
parents”, so that their sons stay with them, knowing that guilt trips only
work on low-level empaths and co-dependents. Narcissistic women often
get along very well with their mother in-laws, as they share the same
mindset and those who don’t will be under constant scrutiny. They will pick
on their choice of clothes, their change in weight, their unacceptable
appearance, their parenting and so on to break down their self-esteem. In
Asian and Arab dramas, narcissistic women (mother in-laws and their sons’
wives) are often portrayed together as a team in being evil, manipulative,
gossipers, false-rumour spreaders, plotters and planners against the innocent
people they feel threatened by. Problematic mothers in-law believe they
have power and control when they behave like this, as they often receive
their narcissistic supply from watching their ‘weaker’ sons and daughters
in-law work harder to please them. Co-dependent women tend to comply to
keep the peace at home instead of standing up for themselves, out of
politeness, but mothers in-law love to feel important and will pick on the
shy and religious daughters in-law for egoistic pleasure. Due to a lack of
boundaries co-dependent men have with their mothers (and sometimes their
fathers too), great demands are placed on them by their parents to prioritise
them over their wives. This causes problems in their marriages, as the wives
of the co-dependent brothers become incredibly fed up with the offensive
remarks, lack of privacy and the constant interfering of their in-laws in their
personal affairs. If they give their husbands an ultimatum and tell them that
they must choose between moving out (or far away) or a divorce, then they
will be branded as being controlling, evil, narcissistic and problematic in
their mother in-law’s smear campaigns. Some will even go as far as telling
people that their daughter in-laws have done black magic on their sons to
make them rebellious and disobedient, when all that’s happened is that the
men finally stood up for themselves and made their own decisions, with the
help of their wives. A prime example of this can be found in the
relationship of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.
The husband of a narcissistic woman will usually have issues regarding
her constant and unnecessary elevation of her ‘golden boy’, especially when
he doesn’t deserve it and will try to enforce some discipline or boundaries,
which is why sons of narcissistic women often don’t get along with their
fathers, unlike their co-dependent siblings. Many people believe that
patriarchal societies were created by men. However, it’s actually the women
(in many cases) who encourage patriarchal attitudes and behaviour. How?
Well, women may not have always agreed to serve all the men in their
families, including their sons, but they have always believed since pre-
Islamic Arabia that they must benefit from their sons when they become
old. A lot of traditional Muslim mothers are happy to have many children,
as they expect that when they grow up, they will look after them in their old
age and be there for them always financially, emotionally and physically.
Particular importance was placed on having boys, as boys carried the family
name, went out to work, were needed as soldiers in battles and were
physically strong. Many women used to get depressed when they gave birth
to girls, because not only would they know their patriarchal husbands
would be disappointed, but also because they know that when they grow up
and get married, they will ‘belong’ to their husbands and in-laws, whereas
their sons are expected to stay with them.
“When one of them is given news [of a daughter], as they claimed for The
Most Gracious, his (the father’s) face is darkened with misery and anger!
[They say] ‘What is good about an offspring that is brought up to be
beautiful but cannot help in war?’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Zukhruf: 17-18)
In Islam, we’re morally expected to take care of our parents as they age,
however, it’s not the reason why God wants us to marry and have children.
The purpose of having children is to raise them to be practicing believing
Muslims so that Islam can grow and flourish until The Last Day. Children
may pass away before their parents and so having them to guarantee that
they will be there for us in our old age isn’t a valid or supported reason in
Islam. However, until today, many women in Arabia, Africa and South Asia
continue to have many children out of hope that the boys in particular will
come together and support them. For this reason, many mothers have turned
a blind eye to the bad behaviour of their sons. They may get involved in
drugs, go out late at night, have girlfriends, go to clubs, drink alcohol and
do other unlawful things, but their parents and the society in general turn a
blind eye, because they’re needed later and because the parents don’t want
to be left alone in their old age if they push their sons away. Without sons,
the family name won’t be passed onto the next generation and retired
parents won’t find financial stability. As for the girls, they’re punished for
the same sins and mistakes, because if they have a bad reputation it will be
difficult to get them married and parents didn’t/don’t want to be burdened
with the responsibilities of their unmarried daughters in their old age. If this
becomes the case then the parents will often expect their working daughters
to look after and support them financially, which causes their sons (most of
the time) to become lazy and neglect their responsibilities. Even if the
daughters were to marry, the sons, especially those who are married,
continue to be reliant on their sisters to look after their parents whom they
perceive as being problematic (despite everything their parents did for
them). I see so many elderly Muslim parents who are depressed because the
heavy investments they made in their sons (out of hope they will continue
to stay with them or be near them) turned to dust when they decided to
move abroad for work or after getting married or pursue a problematic life
path.
When women place greater importance on their sons and let them get
away with bad behaviour and neglecting their Islamic duties, they indirectly
build them up to have narcissistic personalities, which is where their sense
of entitlement comes from. They grow up believing that whatever they do
must be accepted, because their narcissistic parents allowed them to get
used to that. We often find this becoming a big problem in marriage, when
women complain about their husbands who find it acceptable to drink
alcohol and flirt with women, for example, but their husbands don’t see
anything wrong with it. However, if their wives were to do the same then it
wouldn’t be accepted or justified at all and hell would break loose from
their anger, because they grew up watching their parents punish only the
girls for their sins and not them. Their parents managed to find excuses for
their sons whenever they could, much to the distress and anger of their
sisters who grew up resenting their parents and brothers (and rebelled later
in life) when they found their double standards to be unfair and
unacceptable. This mainly happens to women who are more aware of their
rights and know that this is wrong than those who belong to more
traditional societies and are more accepting of this hypocrisy and thus
raised their children in the same way. Their sons learned that Islamic rules
are only applied to girls and women, but “boys can be boys” and “men can
be men”, because they’re ‘better’ and ‘more important’. The cultural
patriarchal mindset is then completed by fathers who teach their children
that boys are meant to be served and women are meant to be submissive
and obedient. It is a crisis in our Ummah because this isn’t how God wants
us to raise our children. It is a cultural mindset that has been created by
ancient pagans who preferred the way of life and social structure of pre-
Islamic Arabia and passed it onto the next generations via their children. It
is the reason why we still see and experience ancient patriarchy in our
societies today, as not everyone agrees with the social and cultural guides
Islam has put in place for us. God tells us in The Qur’an that both men and
women will be accountable for the same sins and the best among us are
those who are pious. God has promised that He will judge everyone on The
Last Day equally, so men won’t get away with their sins, even if their
parents, cultures and societies allowed them to or turned a blind eye to
them. Those who encourage this behavior will be accountable too, as they
aren’t helping people to live in a righteous manner pleasing to God. What is
displeasing to God shouldn’t be justified or accepted, even if it’s in our own
children.
“Whoever does evil will be repaid with its like; whoever does good and
believes, be it a man or a woman, will enter Paradise and be provided for
without measure.”
(Al-Qur’an, Ghafir: 40)
“O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made
you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most
noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah
is Knowing and Acquainted.”
Narcissistic mothers can also elevate their ‘golden girls’ and encourage
them to have a very unhealthy amount of vanity, by placing their value in
their beauty, as opposed to good character. These types of mothers are
always fussy about how their daughters look, because to them, it’s a sign of
being a successful parent if they’re beautiful, wearing the latest designer
fashion and look immaculate. They don’t feel nauseated or uncomfortable
when they see their daughters post selfie after selfie on social media, even if
their daughters aren’t dressed appropriately in their photos or are wearing
heavy makeup at a young age. They’re actually happy to see the photos,
encourage this behaviour and will even advise them how to improve them
to gain more attention and make people jealous. On the other hand, girls
who don’t turn out to meet their narcissistic mothers’ beauty standards (the
ugly duckling syndrome) feel de-valued and become co-dependents who
grow up to have deep jealousy issues with their siblings. The advantage to
this, however, is that they will often turn their focus on other things that will
bring them value, such as their talents, good grades at school and hobbies. It
is the reason why you will often see that the good-looking children don’t
work as hard as their co-dependent siblings and when they become adults
it’s the narcissists who become insecure and jealous of the greater value and
achievements of their average-looking siblings.
Daughters are made to believe by their narcissistic mothers that they’re
special and more privileged than others because of their beauty that will
attract wealthy men to them and everything they want. This gives their
mothers the social status they will be proud of among their friends and
family, if their daughters “marry well”. Narcissistic Arab mothers in
particular love to boast about who their beautiful daughters caught the eyes
of and married. They place a lot of value in beauty, as it can give them a
helping hand that will pull them up into the upper class of society. This
fulfils their egoistic desire of belonging to an elite society that they feel
gives them value, however, these types of mothers don’t care too much
about whether their daughters are happy in their marriages or not. They’re
just grateful they’re the envy of other women who “weren’t beautiful
enough” to marry the same types of men and receive a very high dowry and
other material gains. The truth is, women who grow up to believe that their
core value lies in their beauty are often very unhappy because they suffer
from mental health issues and struggle in relationships, as they don’t know
how to love, identify and appreciate other forms of value in others. For
example, they will only value good looks in men and what they own, but
won’t understand the value of a good heart. In most cases, this is
overlooked and not much attention is given to the problematic characters
and attitudes of men towards women, as this was never discussed or
focused on as they grew up, especially if they didn’t have loving fathers
who taught them about men and how to be happy in a relationship.
Therefore, they will end up having toxic short-term relationships with very
handsome men who are void of empathy and great personalities or have
problematic long-term relationships with nice co-dependent men because
they don’t know how to be happy and have healthy relationships. Healthy
empathic Muslim men rarely marry these types of women.
Many beautiful narcissistic women suffer from very low self-esteem
during and after being in relationships, because they realise that all they
have to offer and feel proud of is their beauty. As they grow older they
become desperate to hold onto it, which is why plastic surgeries and
aesthetic procedures are on the rise among women who feel that if they lose
their beauty, they will lose their value as people too. Healthy beautiful
women (mentally, physically and emotionally) possess wonderful
personalities, empathy, passions, hobbies, careers and religious spirituality
too and so have more to offer in a relationship, which makes them more
interesting long-term to all types of men, including narcissists. When
narcissistic women compare themselves to healthy women who are happier
and have loving relationships, they feel depressed, despite them being more
beautiful, because they feel empty inside. These women also feel more
depressed than others, as they’re primary targets for playboys who want
them for casual sexual relationships, as they don’t have the empathy that’s
needed for narcissists to commit to them long-term. Their regular sexual
experiences with different playboys give them the advanced skills they need
to excel in sexual performance, which is why beauty and sex are used by
narcissistic women as primary bait to hook co-dependent men and trap
them. However, many women have told me that they felt used and
worthless when numerous men have played them or expressed no interest in
pursuing long-term relationships after being intimate with them. They’re
not so much affected by this in the beginning, as they’re having fun too, but
later on in their lives, various mental health issues develop from their
painful and traumatic experiences with men that involve rape, betrayal, bad
treatment and being discarded over and over again. When a woman, who
places all her self-worth in her beauty, gets cheated on, it causes a huge
mental health crisis, with many questioning their own existence. They’re
also more likely to get depressed than others when they age and are no
longer pursued by men, because they have been replaced with younger and
more beautiful women. It is normally at this stage in their lives where some
of these women find Islam again and convert, because they learned for the
first time that they have a purpose, that God loves them and that there’s
something so precious within them (their soul) that is immortal and far
more valuable than their physical beauty. Some Muslim women have also
sought help and turned back to God during this stage, especially if they
were raised with some religious values as children. It is generally very
difficult for the majority to come out of the cycle and explore where their
true value lies unless they keep the company of good people and/or commit
to counselling sessions. If they don’t, they will repeat the cycle and raise
their beautiful children in the same way.
A few Muslim women I counselled, who had lived very liberal lives and
had been involved in many unlawful relationships (some of whom lived
with their non-Muslim boyfriends) told me that they used to feel depressed
and jealous when they saw beautiful Muslim women in their hijab and
being respected by men. They felt envious that they didn’t have to work
hard every day to prove that their worth lies in their beauty, whereas they
were exhausted at having to put on a daily façade to show everyone both
online and offline that they were “living the dream”. They admitted that
they made fun of their friends and family members who were religious and
wore hijab. They called them ‘nuns’ and ‘grandmas’ and encouraged them
regularly to remove their hair cover and “show off their beauty” while
they’re still young, even if it caused them problems with their husbands
who wanted them to keep their hijab on. When the women took their hijab
off, it made the narcissists feel better, as they no longer felt weaker than
them or guilty when socialising with them in public, knowing deep down
that they should be covering in the same way. They also told me that they
were surprised that some of these hijabi women listened to them, as they
always thought they were genuinely religious and so they disrespected them
when they saw that their values were in fact weak. Again, we go back to the
mission of Satan here, which is to remove what God loves from people’s
hearts and he works diligently via narcissists to accomplish this. Therefore,
it’s encouraged to stand firm with your values and principles when people
try to take them away from you, as they may say that they’re doing it for
your own good, but in reality, it’s about them and their ulterior motive to
satisfy their own egos. Having a Muslim identity is very important, as it
helps others to encourage us to follow the right path. For example, I went to
an Italian restaurant a while back and I requested a pasta dish and the kind
non-Muslim waiter informed me that it had some pork flavouring in it and
recommended an alternative for me. Had he not identified me as a Muslim
woman, I wouldn’t have known that the dish had pork in it.
Girls who are spoiled by their narcissistic fathers are also likely to
become narcissistic if their value is placed in them being beautiful.
However, fathers tend to focus more on the financial and social benefits
they can reap from their daughters who have special talents, academic
intelligence and traits to make them proud. Fathers will elevate these girls
to ‘golden child’ status, even if it makes their mothers unhappy. I have
come across some very liberal Muslim men who are married to very
practicing Muslim women and they support their daughters to become
influencers, singers and models. This causes great problems at home, as it
leads girls to break some Islamic principles, much to the dismay of their
religious and traditional mothers who are distressed that they don’t have
their husbands’ support to advise their daughters correctly. Therefore,
daughters become closer to their liberal fathers and drift further and further
away from their practicing mothers, who they now believe are too strict and
not as understanding, lenient and fun as their fathers. If the prized daughter
has sisters who aren’t elevated by the father to the same status, then they
will often turn out to be co-dependents and it will often cause conflicts and
feelings of jealousy between them. Co-dependent girls will often feel
rejected, neglected, unimportant, unlovable and inferior, which are beliefs
that stay with many into adulthood and shape their personalities and outlook
on life.
Being raised in a single-parent household can also cause a child to
become emotionally unstable. Children who don’t get to experience a
loving home environment can develop a sense of detachment from society,
especially boys who never knew their fathers because they had either
passed away or abandoned them as babies and toddlers. Boys need Muslim
male role models in their lives to grow up under the right guidance.
However, if a single mother hasn’t found a suitable partner (or if she gets
re-married to another narcissist) she will be in a vulnerable situation that
can encourage the development of narcissistic personality disorder in her
sons. The stress, anger, frustration and resentment that they may feel when
caring for their children on their own can deprive young children from the
nurturing love, care and attention that they need to grow into healthy adults.
The lack of emotional care can cause their children to turn to their friends
and neighbours for attention and guidance, which often has negative
consequences. Children in this situation are known to develop an inferiority
complex, low self-confidence and deep jealousy when they see other
children from healthy families with good parents and who appear to be
happier, more loved and more privileged than them. Most children who are
raised by struggling single mothers will turn out to be co-dependents, unless
their fathers were narcissists and they had spent some time observing their
behaviour and learning from it. If boys regularly visit their narcissistic
fathers after a divorce then it’s highly likely they will adopt their traits.
Girls who never knew their fathers are likely to be narcissistic if their
mothers are. If they do know their fathers (who haven’t abandoned them,
but live further away after a divorce), they will be regularly fed a lot of lies
and negativity about their (empathic) fathers by their narcissistic mothers.
These children are raised to believe that their fathers are the enemies and
broke up the family, but the reality is that they could no longer cope with or
tolerate the narcissistic abuse of their wives and had to leave. If children of
narcissistic women attempt to form good relationships with their empathic
fathers or defend them, then their mothers will often perceive this as an act
of betrayal and will punish them for doing so, especially the most empathic
child who loves his or her father the most. Narcissistic parents always feel
threatened by their children’s desire to see and spend time with their
empathic mothers and fathers and be connected to them, because they fear
being abandoned and not being placed as the most important parent,
knowing they will receive the love they need from the other parent. As a
result, women in particular will always cause problems and dramas when it
comes to good fathers seeing their children or being there for them, because
they need to maintain the image that their fathers are bad people and that
they’re the good parent who loves them more and wants the best for them.
Many adults who grew up to believe that their fathers were bad people,
were incredibly sad and angry at their mothers for making them believe this
and it caused them to live with very heavy guilt, as they didn’t treat their
fathers well while growing up. Those who did side with their fathers, grew
up with endless issues with their mothers who resented them for it.
A single mother who is loving, attentive and kind, however (not one who
takes her stress and anger out on the children), is less likely to raise
narcissistic sons, especially if they don’t have narcissistic fathers or don’t
see them at all or often, if they are. I have noticed that the children of these
single mothers grow up feeling more appreciative and compassionate than
others and have greater respect for women. This is possible if the single
mother has support from her friends and family. If their children have had
any experiences or memories of living with abusive fathers, then they will
most likely grow up with the intention that they will never become like
them, will treat women respectfully and will never abandon their children.
As a result of the nurturing they received from their mothers, boys tend to
be great fathers themselves later in life, whereas it’s not always the case for
girls, even if they have nurturing mothers. In a single-parent household,
girls are more likely to grow up to be mentally and emotionally healthier in
the presence of a loving, attentive and caring father, grandfather, uncle or
stepfather, as they’re more in need of their protection and care. This isn’t to
say that a mother’s love and presence isn’t important to a girl as a child, it
definitely is, but her father is the first man in her life and the one who will
shape her perception and expectations of how men and relationships should
be when she grows up. This is one of the main reasons why in Islam a
father is given custody of his daughter when she reaches the age of seven,
especially if her mother re-marries. In Islam, it’s encouraged that a divorced
or widowed man or woman gets re-married if they have children. The
wisdom behind this is to relieve them of the burden of having to be both the
mother and father, so that their children can live in a stable home and
receive the nurturing love, care and attention they need. If there’s no peace,
love and mercy in a marriage, it’s almost impossible to raise children in a
loving home where their parents can be the best role models for them.
10. An Understanding of Co-Dependency
The combination I haven’t addressed yet in detail is a boy who was raised
by a narcissistic Muslim mother who didn’t put him on a pedestal and a co-
dependent father or stepfather (or no father figure at all) and a girl who was
raised by a narcissistic Muslim father and co-dependent mother or
stepmother (or no mother figure at all). If a child wasn’t raised by their
parents, then this would apply to their carers, such as grandparents, aunties,
uncles and even foster parents. This particular parental structure encourages
co-dependency, a disorder that develops in children involved in a
dysfunctional, one-sided relationship in which they depend on others for all
their emotional and psychological needs. If you’re someone who spends all
your time and energy tending to the needs of your partner, feels trapped in
your relationship or marriage and are the only one making sacrifices and
compromises, then you may be a co-dependent. Many psychologists found
that those who have a co-dependent parent married to a narcissist often
copied their behaviour if they too felt like victims in their homes. Children
who were raised in single-parent households, or with a parent who is an
addict or very unwell or in a dysfunctional family were more likely to
become co-dependent than others. Children don’t have the ability or life
experience to know that the relationship they’re seeing between their
parents isn’t healthy or normal and if a parent was missing in the family,
due to death or abandonment, then they didn’t get to see how a wife or
husband should be treated. Instead, they grew up learning about
relationships and marriage from Netflix, movies, dramas, social media and
other people. This leads many children, teenagers and young adults to
receive incorrect information about how relationships should be and learn
that toxic relationships are the norm, without knowing they’re toxic. Most
of them learn that a woman’s value lies in her beauty and that a man’s value
lies in his social status, how much money he has and what he owns. When
they focus on and seek these qualities in people it makes them more likely
to be drawn to narcissists who advertise their beauty and superficial assets
on social media, dating/marriage apps and at events.
If people keep the company of good Muslim friends who are into
spiritual lifestyles, mindfulness and self-development then there’s a greater
chance that they will learn about healthy relationships too, even if they were
raised in a dysfunctional family, by visiting and observing healthy and
happy Muslim families. Famous non-Muslim life coaches, such as Jay
Shetty and Tony Robbins have given people valuable insight into what
wonderful and meaningful relationships look like and how to enter them as
healthy individuals (i.e., not dumping our mental health issues and negative
judgements from past experiences onto new people). There is greater
awareness and education today about narcissism, co-dependency and other
personality disorders, which has helped people identify their issues, so they
can work on themselves and/or helped them avoid getting involved with
deeply troubled people. Being neglected and abandoned by a parent when
young is one of the biggest contributors to co-dependency disorder in
people, as children grow up believing that they’re not worthy of being
looked after and loved by anyone, because even their own parent didn’t
want them or see them as special.
Researchers found that co-dependent traits and symptoms can get much
worse if left untreated, as these people suffer from very low self-esteem,
which puts them at a higher risk of being abused. Co-dependents are
common victims of domestic violence because of their high tolerance to bad
behaviour, vulnerability and lack of awareness about narcissistic personality
disorder. That’s the bad news. The good news is, unlike narcissism, co-
dependency is easier to treat. Many children who grow up in dysfunctional
Muslim homes void of peace, stability, love and mercy come to believe that
they don’t matter and that they’re the cause of their parent’s problems and
fighting, especially when it’s about their bad behaviour or poor performance
at school. Co-dependents possess different levels of al nafs al lawwamah,
as they’re used to feeling guilty and being tortured by their mistakes.
They’re used to chaos, drama, fear and unsafe homes, being neglected,
being blamed and shamed, being compared to their ‘golden siblings’ and
other golden children, being manipulated and abused (in various ways),
being judged and punished for small things regularly and not getting the
attention, validation, love, support and care they need from their parents. In
many cases, Muslim parents have unrealistic expectations of perfection
from their children, which places enormous pressure on them to conform in
order to receive love and appreciation. If they do, they’re rewarded and if
they don’t, they’re neglected and punished. They constantly live with the
fear of being unable to meet their parents’ expectations or of doing
something wrong. It is common for their mothers to say things like, ‘If you
eat all your dinner, I will love you” and what this does is it creates a
transactional relationship between mother and child. It is possible that the
child really doesn’t like the food or can’t finish it, but they feel that they
have to eat it all, despite feeling uncomfortable, to please their parent, avoid
punishment and receive love. Many Muslim parents expect their children to
comply with what they perceive as good behaviour so that they can have a
reputation in the community for being excellent parents who know how to
raise their children well. Co-dependent children are trained to tolerate and
comply so that they don’t disgrace their parents and to avoid being shamed
and told off in front of others. They don’t experience unconditional parental
love, as they’re taught from a young age that they will be rewarded and
loved only if they did what pleased their parents and community. This
mental programming is taken with them into adulthood, which is why
they’re always people pleasers and approval seekers. They’re also used to
carrying blame, so if they see their parents fighting or arguing and they
don’t explain what the problem is, they will automatically assume it’s
because of them. This triggers anxiety and fear within them that leads to
deeper feelings of not deserving love and care because they’re bad,
unworthy and incapable of being ‘good enough’. Some children give up
trying completely and it only makes matters far worse, leading to more
problems.
The subject of unconditional love is highly debated in Islam and
according to the consensus of many scholars, it’s meant for a child who
hasn’t yet reached the age of puberty. In Islam, the age of puberty is pivotal,
as it’s when a person starts becoming accountable for their sins with God.
The onset of puberty signifies the beginning stage of intellectual maturity in
an individual and is also an indication of being physically capable of having
children. Therefore, people must start implementing in action what their
parents taught them in regards to doing what’s right and avoiding what’s
wrong. Once a person is aware of what’s right and wrong, the expectation
of continuing to receive unconditional love from parents, no matter what
they do to hurt, betray or disrespect them is unreasonable. When we’re
babies, toddlers and young children we don’t know that we’re doing wrong
when we annoy or upset our parents and so there’s no blame upon us for
that. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was the kindest and most patient with
children because he understood that if they were to be punished for the
wrong things they did that they didn’t know were wrong, such as drawing
on the walls, it would damage them emotionally and mentally. He never hit
or shouted at children, instead, he enjoyed their natural curiosity, humorous
mischief, playful spirits and wonderful innocence. Young children need to
be disciplined with love, kindness, clear communication and compassion,
so that they don’t grow up with disturbing memories of their parents that
they struggle to forget and overcome as adults. Some people I counselled
have struggled to forgive their parents who verbally and physically abused
them as children for their innocent mistakes. Some people, even after
twenty years have passed since the death of a parent(s), have been unable to
forgive them for the turbulent and distressing childhood they put them
through.
In our relationship with God, it’s important to note that He will only
forgive our sins on the condition that we sincerely repent. Paradise isn’t
granted to people without any effort; one has to work hard for it. This
supports the opinion that unconditional love should only be given to
children before the age of puberty. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
informed us that all these children of Muslims and non-Muslims will go
directly to Paradise when they pass away and be under the care of Prophet
Abraham (Ibrahim) (as) in Paradise, as they’re pure, innocent and not
accountable for any sins (Sahih Al-Bukhari, 7047). It is discouraged in
Islam to give unconditional love to teenagers and adults so we can keep up
the boundaries of respect, avoid being taken advantage of emotionally and
protect our beliefs and values. Those who live with you and demand
unconditional love whilst hurting you and disrespecting your boundaries,
are taking advantage and expect you to accept them irrespective of the fact
they may be living and behaving in a way that goes against your principles.
Therefore, you will do more harm than good to your partners and children if
you love them unconditionally. This tolerance can encourage them to
continue sinning and turn into entitled narcissists or co-dependents who will
also love problematic people unconditionally. If boundaries are placed and
discipline is enforced, you will help people to be better, mindful and more
respectful.
Instead of working on themselves to be better role models for their
children, some parents find it easier to continue demanding that their
children meet unrealistic goals that aren’t in alignment with their nature
during their teenage and young adult years. Traditional Muslim parents are
known to pressurize them to become doctors, engineers, academics,
surgeons and lawyers to earn (them) a higher professional status in society,
when they would rather be chefs, artists and builders. However, co-
dependent children are used to doing what their parents want to make them
proud, whilst sacrificing their own happiness. This is found to be more
common among Muslim parents living in non-Muslim countries, as they
feel they have something more to prove, i.e., that Muslims are capable of
being highly educated and successful professionals like everyone else. On
the other hand, some parents will pressurise their children to become
Qur’an memorisers (a Hafith) and push them to go to mosque classes after
school and/or the weekly madrassah (Islamic school) that they don’t enjoy
going to because of the boring way they’re taught The Qur’an, the harsh
ways in which teachers discipline them if they don’t memorise verses
properly and because of who the teachers are (usually very traditional and
don’t speak English well).
If parents don’t make enough efforts to raise and teach their children
properly about morals and Islam, then they will be accountable for that with
God, especially if their teenagers become lost, confused and struggle to
follow the right path. In Islam, parents must be respected, obeyed and
treated well, especially when they have made all the needed efforts to raise
their children in the best way. However, if parents ask their children to do
something that’s considered to be haram, then they’re not obliged to obey
and comply. For example, a mother may request her young son to spy on
someone or when he becomes an adult to divorce his wife, simply because
she doesn’t like her. If he refuses to do so then he would be in the right, as
spying on people is forbidden in Islam and divorcing someone without a
good reason would be unjust. If a parent punishes their child for refusing to
fulfil a request that is considered to be haram, then the parent has
committed oppression against him or her and will be accountable for this
with God. It was reported that Imam Ali (ra), the nephew of The Prophet
“There is no obedience to anyone if it is disobedience to Allah. Verily,
obedience is only in good conduct.”
The standard of obedience is ‘good conduct’ (al-ma’ruf), that which is
lawful, reasonable and good and applies to all our relationships. It is not
allowed for a Muslim to obey anyone – a parent, teacher, imam and even a
political leader if it involves oppression against God and/or His creation.
I also see and hear about people who reluctantly approach their religious
parents with controversial issues, such as daughters admitting they have
boyfriends or sons informing them that they’re gay and expecting them to
accept it and be happy for them. If their parents don’t accept it and turn
their children away, they’re considered by their children and secular society
to be cruel and conditional in their love, making them abnormal. However,
just as God has forbidden us to obey parents who request us to commit
sinful actions, expecting religious parents (in particular) to accept what they
know is displeasing to God, using unconditional love as the reason, is also
wrong in Islam.
“O believers! Do not let your wealth or your children divert you from the
remembrance of Allah. For whoever does so, it is they who are the [true]
losers.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Munafiqun: 9)
This verse warns Muslim believers to not let their children distract them
from their religious duties or allow their children to persuade them to either
forget about God or accept that what God dislikes, especially when they’re
major sins. When parents accept their children’s major sins because they’ve
lost hope in them, or out of unconditional love, or because of some benefit,
it causes confusion among other Muslims and the further spreading and
normalising of sins. For example, I have seen practicing Muslim parents
turn a blind eye to their sons selling drugs, because they’re bringing a lot of
money back home. Many Muslims compare their strict parents with others
who are more lenient or overlook sins and feel depressed when they believe
that they aren’t accepted and loved for who they truly are. They will
sometimes make their parents feel like extremists and very guilty for not
being there for them, because they’re struggling or refusing to accept what
goes against their beliefs and principles. For many parents, it’s considered
to be a great emotional, psychological and spiritual trial to have to choose
between pleasing the children they love so much and pleasing God and it
can cause depression if they lose their children in the process.
It is important to remember that everyone is entitled to create their own
boundaries and to accept or not accept certain things, even if it’s our parents
within whom we’re meant to find love and safety. Some parents, with time,
will accept and find excuses for their children’s major sins, for the sake of
resuming relationships with them (especially if they only have one child),
whereas others who are more religious choose not to out of their loyalty and
respect to God and His laws, which can result in them initiating the cutting
of relationship ties (as opposed to their children cutting ties). This generally
happens with parents who have more than three children and only one or
two of them are deviant. As long as they have good relationships with their
children whose lives and behaviour they approve of, they can emotionally
afford to cut ties with the rebellious and not speak to them for years.
Some parents can go to great lengths and ‘disown’ their children both
verbally and legally, which can be a very traumatising and painful ordeal
for their children. A toxic statement that many narcissistic Arab, African
and South Asian Muslim mothers use to discipline and control their
child(ren) is, “I don’t have a daughter (or son) anymore”. Parents who
want their children to be exactly like them often use this line, which deeply
hurts and leaves them feeling empty and devoid of all parental love. Other
commonly-used lines are, “I wish I was dead than see you like this”, “I
wish it was okay in Islam to commit suicide” and “If I had known this is
what having children would be like, I would never have had any” when
they disappoint them, go against their wishes and develop their own
different opinions and goals in life. Narcissistic parents will also gaslight by
saying things like, “You’re always stupid”, “Every time you’re here there
are problems”, “Allah isn’t happy with you because you’re disobeying your
parents”, “I will never forgive you for doing this”, “I will die without
forgiving you unless you do what I ask”, “I disown you from my property”
(often used by fathers to bring sons under control), “You always let me
down”, “You have ruined my life”, “I sacrificed everything to raise you and
this is what I get!”, “God hates me as He gave me a child(ren) like you”
and “I carried you for nine months and this is how you repay me?!” to
make them feel that there’s something majorly wrong with them and that
they’re the cause of all their parents’ problems. There are also the offensive
lines that many Arab parents in particular use to belittle and humiliate their
children, such as “You’re the son of a dog! (Ya Ibn al kalb!)”, “You’re just a
stupid donkey (Ya homar)” and “You’re useless, good for nothing (Inta mo
faleh fi shay).” These types of statements can either be expressed in a very
normal and passive manner or come with a dramatic show of tantrums,
rages and breakdowns, to emphasize how upset the narcissistic parent is.
This is very traumatic for children, teenagers and adults to hear and the
hurtful words can remain in their memories for many years.
Many co-dependents I have spoken to, when asked about their childhood,
can mainly recall only the physical and verbal abuse they went through.
Those who managed to recover, heal and forgive their parents are able to
joke about being slapped with flip-flops and laugh at the irony of being
called ‘a son of a dog’ by their own parent, while those who didn’t are still
going through depression when they get flashbacks of those memories. You
really wouldn’t blame some of them for not being able to forgive their
parents if you heard what they had been through. Sometimes the physical
abuse that is inflicted on children involves severe beatings that leave marks
on the body, skin burning, being hit with sharp (and heavy) objects, being
whipped with belts, being deprived of food for long periods of time, being
isolated from the rest of the family for days and not being allowed to join
their friends and family members in day trips and birthday parties.
Narcissistic mothers in particular are also known to scream and have
tantrums to create a sense of urgency and fear in those around them. Some
will even bang their heads against walls, slap themselves, pull their hair,
scratch their faces, rip their clothes and even hit themselves to make those
who are watching go into panic mode. They know very well how upsetting
it is to behave like this in front of children, but by doing so they know they
will gain compliance immediately. Co-dependent mothers who are stressed
to the max and are harbouring a lot of anger towards their abusive
narcissistic husbands may also react in the same way during a breakdown.
However, they don’t often know the extent of psychological damage they’re
doing to their children who may never forgive them for putting them
through this guilt and emotional trauma. For this reason alone, it’s healthier
and safer for women to leave the marriage altogether rather than stay for
their children and allow them to witness the outcome of their misery.
Narcissistic parents, however, do know the psychological damage they’re
causing their children, as they’ve been through it themselves with their own
parents who treated them the same way, but they lack the empathy to care.
These parents expect their children to be as tough as they were and just
accept that this is the consequence they will face when they don’t behave.
This is ultimately what happens when Muslims marry people who haven’t
healed from their childhood traumas and have children with them. Many
people, especially those in our parents’ and grandparents’ generation
married people who learned how to normalise and accept the abuse they
experienced in childhood and by doing so have subconsciously applied it to
their children when they misbehave.
Harsh physical and verbal discipline, creating dramas and deliberately
displaying problematic and manipulative behaviour, such as tantrums and
rages is wrong and forbidden in Islam and a troubled parent must seek
counselling and help to overcome their issues with their own partners and
children, so that they can be raised in a healthy environment with correct
parental guidance, love and security. I always advise people to not marry
those who either speak very negatively about their experiences with their
parents when they were young or those who agree (in hindsight) with the
harsh punishments that their parents inflicted on them to get them to behave
and comply. I’ve heard some people say things like, “If it wasn’t for the
beatings I got as a child I wouldn’t be the man I am today” and “I believe
that when children misbehave they need a good slap.” Avoid these people
at all costs, even if they joke about it, as most of them have underlying
mental health issues and need counselling to understand that in Islam this
type of parenting isn’t healthy or correct, even if it produced the desired
outcome during their adult life. While some people may thank their parents
for enforcing harsh discipline on them, it doesn’t compensate for the lack of
love or heal the pain they went through as children and teenagers to become
the people they are today. You will find that people who say this are quite
cold in nature and are emotionally unavailable.
In Islam, parents are requested to talk calmly with their children,
teenagers and adult children who have behaved badly or sinned and advise
them kindly. If this doesn’t work then there are fundamental issues in the
parent-child relationship that need to be resolved. Sometimes, children
believe that their parents are hypocrites for advising them to do what they
themselves don’t do, while others simply have no respect for their parents
for various reasons and don’t take them seriously. I have found that
although the calm, kind and patient approach is requested by God, it doesn’t
always work if the correct relationship dynamics and foundations aren’t in
place. It only works with children who have two empathic parents, or at
least one empathic parent who is very loving. Many liberal Muslim parents
who aren’t practicing, especially those who are wealthy, are also less likely
to inflict physical abuse on their children, as it’s usually enough to take
away material possessions, such as game consoles and financial privileges
to get them to improve their behaviour. Liberal Muslims are also more
likely to comply with western laws regarding the physical disciplining of
children and avoid it. As they don’t follow an Islamic lifestyle, they don’t
use or distort Islamic teachings to justify abusing their children like other
Muslims do. Liberal Muslims who aren’t wealthy find other ways to
discipline their children, such as not ordering their favourite Friday night
take away food and not allowing them to go to with their friends to a
football game. However, if a liberal Muslim parent is a high-level narcissist
then physical abuse can occur, especially if they’re very patriarchal and/or
intoxicated with alcohol or drugs. Other Muslim parents will only see
results when they shout, hit and create a drama, using God’s name in
between, because that’s the only style of parenting they know. They believe
their way of parenting will have a positive impact and make their children
appreciate them and “see sense”. They often do this out of ignorance and
habit too, not knowing that it displeases God.
It is important for people to understand here that if a parent possesses a
very high level of narcissism, to the point they’re making everyone’s life a
living hell, then it can be impossible to get them to go for counselling. Even
if they go, because it’s a legal requirement in a divorce procedure, for
example, they will storm out of the session and slam the door behind them,
if they’re asked an uncomfortable question or hear something they don’t
like. This is very normal behaviour for some people who would rather die
than unravel all their years of traumas since childhood, to understand why
they are the way they are and to see all the damage they’ve caused to others
and themselves. This makes them feel ashamed, worthless, hate themselves
even more and destroys their ego and sense of self. Some narcissistic
parents have resorted to committing suicide because once they feel exposed
in therapy, there’s nothing else to hide behind or live for. Only low to mid-
level narcissists may accept to go for counselling if they’re comfortable
with the counsellor and if there’s a great benefit behind doing so, such as
stopping their partner from divorcing them, but very high-level narcissists
won’t. Narcissists will rarely seek counselling out of their own free will,
unless they feel their life has been destroyed and a doctor has recommended
that they speak to a professional, otherwise they will go for marital
counselling to sort out their issues, rather than their narcissism. Forcing or
pressurising a narcissist parent to go for counselling will only make them so
much worse and it’s advised not to do this. To keep the peace, it’s better that
the children seek their own therapy and counselling, so they can separate
themselves from the behaviour of their parents and learn how to effectively
deal with them. Dealing with them usually involves the continuation of
stroking their ego to keep the peace, but this time it’s from an awakened
mindset and won’t be at the expense of their mental health. As these
narcissists are so advanced in their narcissism, they aren’t able to seek
positive help for themselves or even pray for themselves, as their
understanding of who God is and Islam is so corrupt and dark, hence why
they use religion to justify their bad attitudes and behaviour.
The advice I give people to help their narcissistic parents is to pray for
them, as they hold that power as empaths to understand the value of dua
and are able to pray sincerely and properly, unlike their parents. People
always underestimate the miracles of prayers that have healed the sick,
moved mountains and split the moon and the sea. It’s truly the best gift
people can give their parents to heal them. Praying for parents, even if
they’re narcissists is a highly rewardable act of worship. From experience
I’ve seen these answered prayers appear in the form of a terminal illness or
the sudden death of a loved one that greatly humbles the narcissist and puts
them in a position of wanting to apologise to others and make amends.
Many people may view a terminal illness as a punishment, when God is in
fact far more merciful to us than that. Feeling helpless, powerless and at the
mercy of others to look after us is a humbling experience in which God
helps people to stop everything bad they’re doing, reflect and seek
forgiveness. I remember a few years ago there was a man, known to be a
highly narcissistic playboy, who was involved in a terrible car accident that
left him in a wheelchair, as he was paralysed from his waist down and
suffered broken legs. Not only did this accident stop him from committing
major sins, but he found a chance to repent, see the damage he had caused
and change his ways. Sometimes it’s out of God’s love for us that he puts us
through such a hardship because our continuous arrogance causes Him to
take away all our blessings, so that we realise we’re just weak human
beings who need Him. Therefore, when the level of narcissism in someone
gets so high, it’s not therapy they need, it’s a life-changing hardship from
God.
Healthy parenting involves discipline and authority; however, narcissistic
parents perceive the parental authority they have as ‘power’ they can use to
control everyone. It is a severe form of toxic psychological manipulation
that’s detrimental to their children’s spiritual wellbeing. For example, a
parent may pretend to be very sick to make a child feel guilty or scared and
they may also drop hints about suicide when they’re super upset. Children
also grow up to believe that there must be a ‘powerful’ parent present at
home who’s able to keep everyone ‘in line’ and often grow up seeking the
same type of relationship or avoid getting married, out of fear that a
potential partner will be the power-holder and make life as difficult as his or
her parent did. Co-dependent children who are manipulated and controlled
by parental power (rather than healthy protective authority) develop
emotional issues, disconnect from God at an early age, experience eating
disorders (such as bulimia) or may lose interest in sports or school work.
No one wants to hear or believe that their parent is very unwell or thinks
about suicide or that their parent doesn’t want them or love them (enough)
or that they will never be forgiven because they’re a great disappointment.
Many traditional Muslim parents will outright refuse to go to family
counselling or psychotherapy sessions because they’re unaware of their
behaviour and simply don’t believe that there’s anything wrong with them.
They’re used to this way of raising children in their culture and will find it
incredibly offensive if they’re asked to go to therapy because they’re
perceived by their children to be highly toxic people. Frustrated co-
dependent mothers can also put immense pressure on their children to
behave and be good Muslims, because they feel that their children ‘owe’
them that in return for them staying with their toxic fathers and keeping the
family together. Therefore, when the (innocent) children misbehave and
don’t satisfy the individual needs of both parents who are both toxic in their
own ways, they become victims of verbal, emotional, physical, religious
and spiritual abuse all at the same time, which can lead to the quick
development of PTSD and chronic depression. Before they know it, their
parents have taken over their lives including their choice of partner,
wedding plans, raising a child and so on. Women in particular will feel the
control intensify when they’re planning their weddings, as narcissistic
mothers feel they’re losing their grip on their empathic daughters who
served them for many years and so they make the whole planning process
‘difficult’ and ‘stressful’ to say the least, as if it’s a punishment for them
wanting to marry, leave home and more importantly, leave the needy
narcissist behind. Some mothers will also make the whole marriage process
a nightmare for their daughters, by creating problems over every tiny little
thing, because they feel jealous of what their daughters have and the new
(and better) life they will enter. Some narcissistic fathers will also create
problems when their daughters marry, as they feel their authority is being
passed onto their husbands, who will benefit from the source of supply that
was theirs for so long, such as attention, financial support and being served.
They may cause problems, such as refuse to give permission for their
daughters to marry, refuse to come to the wedding or refuse to give their
blessings, out of hope the marriage doesn’t go ahead. Here the fathers aren’t
thinking of what’s best for their daughters or their happiness, they’re more
concerned with what they’re losing.
Many young Muslims are facing issues with their parents’ high level of
expectations and desire for them to turn out a specific way and follow their
traditional lifestyle instead of a western one, despite the changes in today’s
social context and culture. If they don’t, parents can become depressed,
unpleasant to live with, cold and dismissive, as many of them make great
efforts to preserve their native culture at home and feel that their children
must give them cultural and religious compliance. It was reported that
Imam Ali (ra) said:
“Do not force your children to behave like you (culturally), for surely they
have been created for a time, which is different to your time.”
(Ibn Abi Al-Hadid, Sharh Nahj Al-Balaghah)
While The Qur’an hasn’t changed since the seventh century (Muslims are
requested by God to continue following its rules, moral guidance and
religious teachings until The Day of Judgement), our culture does and with
the development of new technologies, social media and our general
environment, it becomes very difficult to follow the same way of life as our
parents in the 60s, 70s and 80s. Previous cultural societies have conditioned
the generation of our parents and grandparents to believe that children are a
reflection of their parents and not human beings with individual
personalities. Children were often treated as trophies and extensions of their
parents and were (and still are in many societies) expected to serve them
and complete their unfulfilled dreams and ambitions. To narcissists, how
they appear in society means everything, so if their children let them down
(i.e., academically), they will surely be punished for it. On the other hand, if
they do really well and make their parents proud, then they will be
rewarded. However, God tells us that our children aren’t our possessions,
nor are they created for the purpose of serving their parents; they’re created
solely to worship Him and live morally. Everything we have, except our
deeds, belongs to God, including our children who are given to us as a
blessing and a trust, rather than a possession.
“Wealth and children are the adornment of this worldly life, but lasting
good work has a better reward with your Lord and gives better grounds for
hope.”
This verse gives comfort to those who don’t have wealth or children, as
the investment of their time in charitable deeds is better, highly rewardable
and easier in God’s eyes than dealing with wealth and raising children who
may disappoint them and rebel when they’re older. Therefore, if God hasn’t
blessed people with children, He doesn’t want them to be sad about it, as
it’s what God knows is best for them. Children are only a blessing for us
when they’re righteous, otherwise they’re a test.
“Your wealth and your children are only a trial.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Taghabun: 15)
Righteous children are considered to be a Sadaqah Jariyah (an on-going
charity for parents after their death), as not only have they been raised to be
moral, love God, pass on Islamic knowledge, do good in the world and help
others, they’ll continue to pray for their parents and remember them with
doing good deeds on their behalf after they pass away. Abu Hurairah (ra)
“When someone dies, their action discontinues from them except three
things, namely, on-going charity (such as building a mosque), or leaving
behind beneficial knowledge, or a pious child who prays for them.”
Raising children isn’t something to be taken lightly in Islam and this
Hadith shows us that the best way to raise a child is in a correct Islamic
way, so that you may reap the fruits of your investment in them even after
you pass away. If children aren’t raised properly, they won’t be practicing
Muslims, won’t pass on correct Islamic knowledge to their children and
others or pray for you later. Many parents only realise when it’s too late that
they didn’t benefit from the rewards they could have received in this life
and The Hereafter by taking better care of the children they were blessed
with.
The difficulties of raising children, dealing with their bad behaviour and
rebellion are all considered to be trials that come with having them and it’s
therefore important to remember that God may not give children to people,
as He knows they aren’t able to deal with those stresses and hardships, or
that children may distract them from a greater purpose in life and their
potential and abilities to help those in need. For example, some people need
more time and focus to become academics, teachers or successful business
men and women who regularly invest large amounts in charity or to look
after people physically, such as their elderly parents. A prominent example
would be the wives of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) who didn’t
have any children except for his first wife Khadijah (ra), from whom he had
his six children. Only his four daughters survived (Zaynab (ra), Ruqayyah
(ra), Umm Kulthum (ra) and Fatima (ra)). His two sons Al-Qasim and
Abdullah died while they were still infants. God, in His ultimate wisdom,
had decreed for the lineage of The Prophet (pbuh) to be through Khadijah’s
(ra) daughters only, as it would have its benefits politically, Islamically and
socially via their marriages. They left a great legacy and knowledge about
their father (pbuh) that has enabled the continuation of his message to the
world we live in today about Islam. Had his sons survived, God knows that
they may have rebelled against him like the sons of other prophets did and
so we must learn how to trust in God’s decision for us.
“The dominion of the heavens and the earth belongs to Allah. He creates
whatever He pleases. He grants females to whomever He pleases and males
to whomever He pleases or grants them a mix of males and females and
causes whomever He pleases to be childless. He is All-Knowing, All-
Powerful.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Shura: 49-50)
This verse is proof of God’s Sovereignty being absolute. No human being
has ever been able to produce children for him or herself according to their
own desire or provide others with children. The one whom God didn’t
decree children for won’t be able to have children through any medicine,
treatment, amulet or charm and the one whom God decreed only daughters
to won’t be able to have sons and vice versa. In this matter everyone is
absolutely helpless and must make dua if they want this to change by God’s
will. Even after making dua, God, out of His love, will only give you
children if there’s good in it for you and when He knows the time is right. If
you insist on asking for them, even when it’s clear that He doesn’t want to
give them to you, He may give you a child as a lesson for you to see what
He wanted to protect you from. I’ve seen couples who were so desperate for
children and went through countless failed IVF procedures, not taking it as
a sign that God knows best, only to one day find that the IVF was
successful and the children they had waited eagerly for were born with
health problems, causing them to be kept in intensive care for months or
were incredibly naughty and made their parents very miserable while
growing up. This isn’t always the case, of course, as God just wants some
people to be more patient before He grants them with a lovely child, even if
it’s via IVF, but if we keep persisting in chasing something that God has
clearly made difficult for us to obtain (because He knows it will bring us
hardships) then the answer of our prayer may come in the form of a difficult
lesson. I’ve seen people who were given beautiful children after twelve
years of being patient without any attempts for IVF. They were happy to
accept that if the blessing of having children doesn’t come to them in the
easy and natural way, then God has a better plan for them.
If you can’t help but feel sad about not having children, you could go
down the child fostering/adoption route if it suits your circumstances and
you can facilitate it. Looking after an abandoned or orphan child who needs
loving parents is one of the greatest acts of charity that people could do in
Islam. I don’t recommend that someone raises an orphan child as a single
parent, because in order for that child to have the best chance of a healthy
Muslim upbringing, both a mother and father figure must be present. If
you’re in no position to do so, then I recommend you get involved in
children’s charities, activities, nurseries and schools or even get a pet or
two, such as cats and rabbits that you can love and enjoy some time with.
Many people found that having pets to look after and love really helped to
improve their mental health and gave them happiness and a sense of
purpose. Finding alternatives, being content with our blessings and having
sincere faith that God knows what’s best for us, is the key that will unlock
true happiness and elevate the status of our nafs to a higher level of purity.
The responsibilities of having and raising children to become moral
Muslims can sometimes hinder the progress of people becoming successful
in other parts of life and so God has balanced it in a way so that those who
don’t have children are given other opportunities to make a much-needed
difference in the world. It is for this reason everyone is granted their own
rizq that’s suitable for the life path that God decreed for them to follow to
fulfil their mission. If everyone was blessed in the same way, there would
be a great imbalance in the world and many important affairs will be
neglected. So, if you’ve been blessed with great skills and talents, pursue
them and use your abilities to benefit yourselves and others, as that’s where
God has placed immense rewards for us in this life and the next.
“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him and to
parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while]
with you, say not to them [so much as], ‘uff’ and do not repel them but
speak to them a kind world. And lower to them the wing of humility out of
mercy and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up
when I was small.’”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Israa: 23-24)
Now that that important point has been addressed, I’ll go back to the
problematic parenting of co-dependent Muslim children. I’ve seen many
cases where Muslim parents have used this Qur’an verse to make their
children miserable and cause problems for them in their adult lives. In
traditional homes, the narcissist parent is usually supported by the co-
dependent parent in the disciplining of their children. So, if the father is the
narcissist and uses religion to control and discipline his children, to avoid
problems and conflicts at home, the co-dependent mother will comply, as
she fears her husband too. Children are plagued by the constant fear, guilt
and obligations that they’re subjected to, to live up to the standards of being
“good children” whom their parents and God will approve of. Many people
I have spoken to have told me that they find it very difficult to be respectful
to their parents and not say “uff” to them when they were being treated
badly and unfairly, which makes them feel guilty, as they’re regularly told
by their parents that they’re committing a major sin by arguing, answering
back and showing irritation. Sometimes fights are caused when they tell
their grandchildren that their parents aren’t being good Muslims and that
they shouldn’t listen to them. I’ve seen many parents who have tried to
manipulate and control their grandchildren, much to the distress of their
parents, who find it unacceptable, but don’t know how to effectively deal
with them without feeling they have transgressed Islamic parental rights.
Many have complained about being disrespected by their parents in front of
their own children, which has caused their children to use it against them.
They will often get angry when they see their parents attempt to
‘brainwash’ and ‘take over’ their own children, as they don’t want them to
experience the same trauma that they went through, especially when it
comes to religious teachings. At the same time, they still feel the need to
visit their parents, so they aren’t shamed by the elders in their community
when their parents complain about them to everyone.
Due to the knowledge, experiences and life lessons adults possess,
parents have been given the authority to kindly discipline their children
when they do something wrong, reward them when they do something
right, help guide them to the right path when they’re feeling lost and forbid
them from doing something or going somewhere, as a way to protect them
from harm and falling into sins. In return, Islam commands children to obey
their parents, who are meant to be wise, fair, God fearing and loving. When
the parents aren’t wise, fair or loving, it can be mentally and emotionally
damaging for children to obey them. Islam teaches us that the rights of
parents (mothers especially) fall directly under the rights of God and so
serving them would be considered as a great and honourable act of worship.
Abdullah Ibn Amr (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“The pleasure of God is in the pleasure of the parents and the displeasure
of God is in the displeasure of the parents.”
However, many empaths and co-dependents find it very difficult to fulfil
this aspect of worship and it distresses them greatly to hear Islamic lectures
about the virtues of honouring parents, as they know that it will open a great
door to Paradise when done properly. It depresses them that they’re unable
to enjoy this act of worship and do it because they love to do it, rather than
feel forced to, because they aren’t blessed with loving and affectionate
parents who make this act of worship easy for them. When people have
overly-strict parents who lack empathy, warmth and affection, it can
become difficult to show love, gratitude and be there for them. Many
Muslim men and women have told me in counselling sessions that they
never remembered receiving a tight warm hug or being told “I love you” by
their parents. I’ve seen many religious people who obey and serve their
parents, while they’re psychologically suffering and tolerating abuse, out of
hope that God will be pleased with them. Some people are so attached to
the rewards that God has saved for those who are good to their parents, that
they damage their own mental health in the process. However, most people
don’t realise that anything that destroys their faith, health and soul is greatly
disliked by God and should to be avoided. God doesn’t allow oppression in
any of its forms and if adult children find themselves still going through
spiritual, religious and emotional turmoil with their parents in their
adulthood, then it becomes an obligation upon them to create boundaries
and protect their rights, hearts and faith.
I’m not saying here that people should cut ties with their parents, as this
is also against Islam and should be avoided, but new relationship
boundaries need to be put in place to reduce and eventually stop the
oppression, constant demands, threats and guilt-trips. It is important that we
always look at our parents with compassion and to remember that they’re
victims of their upbringing too. People shouldn’t fear that they’re angering
God by setting boundaries and refusing to allow the oppression to continue.
People also shouldn’t fear saying “no” to the things their parents want them
to do that they don’t want to do, if it doesn’t harm their faith, such as going
to university to become a doctor or lawyer. If you want to become a vet or a
nurse or a plumber then there isn’t anything wrong in standing up for that
(in a respectful way) and no one’s rights are being violated. By pursuing
your dreams, you won’t have your parents to blame and resent when you
become miserable doing what they wanted you to do. By doing what you
love, you will become a healthier and happier person and this will improve
your relationship with your parents when they later realise they were in the
wrong. Many people still believe that it’s disrespectful and non-Islamic to
not comply with the wishes of their parents that are usually centred around
career, business, financial and marriage partner choices, even if it makes
them unhappy, but this isn’t true. It is always in our hands to stop tolerating
what we know is wrong and by doing this we can help our parents to stop
normalising their toxic behaviour when it no longer gives them what they
want. This isn’t an easy cycle to break at all and it will usually need the
help of a family counsellor. If this isn’t possible, then all siblings need to
come together to negotiate, share and delegate their duties towards their
parents, so they don’t all fall on the shoulders of the empathic and co-
dependent siblings who aren’t the ‘golden child(ren)’. If someone is an only
child, then family counselling with a specialised Muslim counsellor is the
best way forward. More efforts need to be made to make parents aware that
when they use their privileges and status to manipulate, control, guilt-trip
and punish children, it will only make their children resent them instead of
love them. They will be quick to leave home, as soon as they get an
opportunity to do so and will abandon them in their old age when they’re
frail and unwell. Muslim parents who use the ‘God-card’ a lot often see
their manipulations backfire in various ways later in life and it’s them who
suffer the most. People may even end up leaving Islam altogether instead of
learning more about it, because of the way their practicing parents
implemented it in their lives. For example, narcissistic mothers who wore
the hijab and were seen devoutly praying everyday greatly confused their
children with their contradictory cruel and immoral behaviour and they
grew up to believe that it was Islam that made their parents this way.
Children seek role models in their parents and follow the example they
set, so it’s important that they make the efforts to be excellent and provide a
loving home for children to thrive in, rather than a home in which
punishment and fear (within a religious context too) is what keeps children
‘in line’. If home isn’t a safe and loving place for them, then they will look
for it elsewhere, as humans seek security, affiliation and purpose. Many
Muslims forget that God gave us the example of prophets, such as Noah
(Nuh) (as), who had a rebellious and arrogant son (Ham) who disbelieved in
his message of monotheism and drowned, as a result of him preferring to
climb a mountain instead of boarding the ark that God asked Noah (as) to
build to save his people from the flood. God tells us this story to give
comfort to disappointed parents who know they did their best to raise their
children in a manner pleasing to God. It is a humble reminder that even
being the most perfect and righteous parent doesn’t guarantee that the
outcome of our efforts will be reflected back in wonderfully behaved pious
children who are on the straight path and free from major sins. Having
rebellious children doesn’t mean that the parents are failures, as they
sometimes believe if their children don’t turn out to be as they expected; it
means that out of mercy, parents have been freed by God from the burden,
responsibility and outcome of their children’s wrong choices in life. If they
turn out to be pious and virtuous, then this is due to the blessing and mercy
of God, rather than our own abilities to be excellent parents, as none were
better parents and role models than our beloved prophets, many of whom
suffered greatly with their children.
“Surely you cannot guide whomever you love, but Allah guides whomever
He decides and He knows best the ones [who are] rightly-guided.”
(Al-Quran, Al-Qasas: 56)
It is essential that children are taught to value and seek God’s guidance as
they grow, or they won’t understand why it’s so important for their lives and
wellbeing. Parents who made the required efforts to raise their children well
and in an Islamic manner will surely be rewarded by God, regardless of
how they turn out later. This can involve the efforts they made to learn more
about correct Islamic parenting and attending counselling sessions to heal
from their own traumas first, so they don’t get passed onto their children. It
is healthier for parents to lower their expectations of children, focus on
enjoying their time with them while they’re young and let go of the need to
control the outcome of their efforts, knowing it’s only in God’s Hands. This
attitude will give parents a better chance of protecting their children from
becoming co-dependent and preventing them from disliking Islam and
rebelling later.
Now that the parenting issues have been addressed, we can move onto
identifying co-dependency traits in people and understanding how their
parents (unknowingly) planted the seeds that led to the growth and
development of this disorder in their children.
1. They are controlling: When life gets overwhelming, they try to sort
out everything by being in control over everyone, everything and
every situation to feel a sense of safety, security and importance.
Many co-dependents feel the need to control their loved ones
because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel
better about themselves. Care-taking can be used to control and
manipulate people, for example their younger siblings and they can
be bossy and tell them what they should or shouldn’t do. They
always like to feel that they know what’s best for everyone.
2. They feel overly responsible: These children often feel that they
grew up too quickly because of the load of responsibilities they had
to bear, such as taking care of their siblings. In a single-parent
household, these children may have been entrusted with tasks, such
as making sure their younger siblings are fed after school and have
done their homework because the mother is busy with other things.
They may even need to get a job later in life after college to help
pay the bills or look after a sick parent, by making sure they take
their medication and eat on time. Sometimes, they may feel
burdened with the blame or assumption of being the reason for their
parent’s divorce and will feel responsible for making the situation
better. As a result, they may work harder and sacrifice spending time
with their friends to attend to matters at home, which leads them to
become shy introverts with no social life and a lack of friends.
I need to make a very important side note here. Many single mothers
have found that they have no choice but to live in this situation
where a child is given more responsibility than he or she should
have to take care of siblings and other matters, due to a lack of
support from their ex-husbands and male relatives. According to
Islamic law, once a woman is divorced from her husband, he’s liable
to regularly pay child maintenance and fulfil his children’s needs.
This can include the rent and bills of the house they’re living in with
their mother, if she hasn’t re-married. If she’s widowed, then the
financial responsibility of the children lies with the deceased
partner’s family and if they’re unable to provide this (they should at
least offer to help and take care of the children during the week or
weekends), then her own family must take care of her financially, so
that she doesn’t neglect her children’s needs by spending all of her
time working to make ends meet. This is why in Islam men are
given twice as much inheritance as women (only in some cases and
depending on the family structure), so that when circumstances like
this arise, they step up and provide for them. It is commonly
assumed that Islam oppresses women by making their inheritance
half that of their brothers. However, as Muslim believers it’s
important to have faith in God’s fairness and justice towards His
creation. The Qur’an says, “And your Lord wrongs no-one” (Al-
Kahf: 49) and “God is never unjust [an oppressor] to His servants”
(Al-Hajj:10).
Therefore, such a law shouldn’t shake our faith or perception of
God, but rather calls for an understanding as to why God stipulated
it. The wisdom behind this law is that men have been made
responsible for financially looking after their families, whereas
women haven’t been. Single women are to be financially looked
after by their fathers and brothers and married women are to be fully
provided for by their husbands. Thus, for all practical purposes,
Islamic inheritance law actually protects the wealth of women and is
more in their favour, as they get to keep their portion of inheritance
for themselves and can spend it how they please, whereas men are
expected to spend it on their own needs and the needs of everyone
under their care. This is how God justifies this for us and makes it a
fair balance of equal rights. The financial responsibilities of men
include the payment of dowries, wedding arrangements,
accommodation expenses, ongoing financial maintenance and
support for their families, accommodation and living expenses for
their ex-wives who are single mothers, their children’s education
and financial support for their parents and extended family, if
circumstances demand this. A larger portion of property inheritance
is also given to men so that they can house people under their care,
such as the divorcees and widowers in their families who have
children. This ruling also protects women from any circumstances
that would place them in financial difficulty, as they would have
savings.
Unfortunately, only few today understand the wisdom behind the
Islamic inheritance system and it’s abused by so many men who
take advantage of it and don’t fulfil their financial and emotional
duties towards their female relatives. Men who don’t spend it
correctly cause many women (who don’t understand why the
inheritance law was stipulated this way by God) to deeply resent
God and believe that He favours men more by giving them less.
Many men choose to ignore the purpose behind the inheritance
distribution (or are ignorant of it) and greedily spend it on
themselves, their wives and children, not caring about their mothers,
sisters and nieces who have been forced to fend for themselves as
divorcees, widowers and single mothers. More often than not,
women found that the selfish wives of their male relatives were also
encouraging them to not spend their money on their female
relatives, because they don’t find it fair that they have to give up
some of their family’s wealth to “clean up their mess”. This bad
attitude is usually directed at women who are divorced after
marrying men their families didn’t approve of. However, male
relatives can be careless about the consequences mental health
traumas have on single mothers and their children who will be
deprived of maternal care, affection, attention and time. These men
will surely be held accountable on The Day of Judgement for
oppressing and withholding these financial rights.
“Give relatives their due and the needy and travellers - do not spend
your wealth wastefully.”
(Al-Quran, Al-Israa: 26)
Many single Muslim mothers who find themselves alone claim that
even though they’re offered help sometimes from their ex-husband’s
family to look after the children on weekends etc, they aren’t
comfortable leaving their children with them. The reasons are
usually because they aren’t practicing Muslims, they commit open
sins, such as drinking, they allow the abusive fathers to see their
children behind their mothers’ backs, they don’t get along with them
and their children’s grandparents, they have a toxic family
environment and/or their social and moral behaviour in general isn’t
good. This happens to a lot of women who marry men who come
from dysfunctional or liberal families and who have ‘wild’ sisters
and corrupt brothers. Single Muslim women find that it’s better that
their ex in-laws don’t get involved much with their children and
usually refuse their help, which in itself can cause many issues if
they want to see and spend time with them. Single mothers who are
struggling financially and emotionally are also targeted by
narcissists because of their vulnerable situations. They end up
getting re-married to these predatory men who later abuse them after
promising to take care of them. Narcissists know their weaknesses
lie in their need for support to look after their children and lack of
strong (or non-existent) relationship ties with their male relatives, so
they use this to their advantage to manipulate and control them.
Meanwhile, some other Muslim women in desperate situations have
had no choice but to resort to unlawful ways of earning money to
put food on the table for their children.
3. They feel shy socially: Co-dependents usually grow up feeling
inadequate and uncomfortable in social events and gatherings,
especially among strangers. They feel out of place and don’t have
the confidence to approach people, make friends and network.
4. They take responsibility for other people’s mistakes by blaming
themselves if something goes wrong: This can lead to depression,
as they carry other people’s burdens whilst struggling with their
own. For example, if they see their mother get abused by their
father, they will assume it’s because of them. Parents are also known
to burden co-dependent children with their problems, so if the parent
is unwell or wants to vent about their partner they’ll do so with the
child. The child eventually turns into a therapist for their parent who
has to hear about how much they hate their mother or father and
may even ask their child for opinions on what to do. This is
extremely wrong to do and very damaging to a child’s mental health.
No child should ever have to carry the worries, burdens, stresses and
marital problems of their parents who need to find other adults to
talk to. It conditions a child to always be in therapist mode with
others as he or she gets older, by allowing people to ‘dump’ their
problems on them and make them feel responsible for helping them
and finding solutions. Listening to their parents vent about their
problems can cause them to have panic attacks in school, isolate
themselves from their friends and develop chronic anxiety.
5. They struggle with boundaries: These children weren’t taught how
to have healthy boundaries, so they’re either non-existent, weak or
blurred, which encourages people to take advantage of them, or their
boundaries are too high, making them unable to trust anyone and
form loving and intimate relationships. They often fear being hurt
and abandoned and are self-saboteurs, meaning they will prefer to
find a quick exit out of a (potential) friendship or relationship using
an excuse, than risk getting hurt later. Co-dependents
subconsciously learned from a young age that those who claimed to
love them ultimately hurt them by abandoning, abusing and
disappointing them. This becomes a familiar dynamic in their adult
lives, as they let friends, lovers and family members continue to
treat them in the same way. As long as someone shows the co-
dependent that they need them, the co-dependent will stick around
for them, as they now feel somewhat important in someone’s life.
Parents can notice this behaviour in their children’s relationships
with their neighbours, cousins and friends from school. Children
who go out of their way to make their friends happy or still want to
be their friends, while being treated badly by them or subtly
disrespected, is a clear sign that they have co-dependency. This is
more common with girls who usually have ‘best-friend issues’.
Children with strong narcissistic traits will always ignore and
abandon their sweet co-dependent friends in a cruel manner when it
suits them and it’s usually when they have found another ‘best-
friend’ who is ‘cooler’ and serves them better. The co-dependent
child will go out of their way to win back their position as best-
friend and be included in get-togethers. Their ‘friend’ will
eventually let them have their position back when they have become
bored of the other. Until then the co-dependent will be left out of
their birthday parties and won’t be invited to go to the park or town
centre with them during weekends and school breaks. Children with
narcissistic traits know that this isn’t nice, but they lack empathy
and enjoy seeing them suffer and be jealous of their new friends.
This can be a very stressful and depressing ordeal for a child and
young teenager, especially if they don’t find at least one loving
parent to talk to about it when they get home. If left unaddressed, it
can escalate into serious mental health problems, such as chronic
anxiety and trigger the onset of OCD. It is at this second stage
where a child’s psychological programming begins to normalise a
toxic relationship with a narcissistic stranger. Dealing with a
narcissistic parent/family member is the first stage of their
programming.
6. They struggle with hardships and problems: Nobody taught these
children how to pray properly and nurture their spiritual side by
establishing a loving connection with God. The concept of faith and
tawwakul (complete reliance on God in everything) is alien to them
because they can’t understand how God can help them with their
problems and how they can find peace in prayer, as they didn’t see
or experience their parents having strong faith. These children either
see their parents treat the prayers like chores, or they don’t see their
parents pray at all (or rarely) or they associate the prayers with
negative experiences (i.e., being disciplined by their parents if they
don’t pray). Co-dependents who grow up to find faith and become
religious (out of their own free will) do so after they learn more
about Islam from places like college, university, YouTube and
Muslim friends.
7. They are care-takers: Due to having weak or no boundaries at all,
co-dependents find themselves helping people to the point where
they give up their comfort, time and what’s best for them. It is great
to feel empathy and compassion for people, but not when you’re
constantly neglecting your own needs to serve others. Many co-
dependents feel rejected if people don’t want their help and will
keep trying to help and ‘fix’ their problems, even when those people
clearly don’t want it. Therefore, co-dependents often come across as
being very ‘clingy’.
8. They are people-pleasers: Keeping others happy is the way co-
dependents earn people’s love, admiration and praise. They don’t
speak their minds, even if it’s the truth, so that their opinions don’t
conflict with others. They also like to avoid confrontations and
arguments so they don’t lose friends. They go out of their way to
give, as it feeds their self-worth and gives them some emotional
fulfilment and belief that they’re good and loveable people. Co-
dependents have a hard time saying “no” and sacrifice their own
needs (that they feel are unimportant), to accommodate others. They
grow up feeling they have no worth and that there’s something
wrong with them because they never experienced unconditional
love, validation and affection. As children, they feel obliged to serve
their parents (no matter what) because they were taught that it’s their
sole duty in life. They eventually become conditioned to believe that
they need to be the ‘servant’ in all their relationships to increase
their self-value, as they were only rewarded by their parents when
they were doing well in this role. They learned that if they play this
role very well then it will earn them the love they crave and help
them to avoid upsetting the people who they need love from. This
includes tolerating their toxic behaviour. Many emotionally abusive
parents use guilt rather than love to get their children to pray, fast,
read Qur’an and go to the mosque, which is why many co-
dependents grow up perceiving Islamic rituals as chores and
resenting their parents, because when they complied they were
disappointed to only receive crumbs of love in return. Their hunger
for more love pushes them to search for it in other people and
things, which is why they can be easily deceived when people
pretend to love them. There’s a famous saying that goes, “Don’t
shop for food when you’re starving” because you’ll end up buying a
lot of junk food that isn’t good for you and collecting items you
don’t need.
9. They feel alone and are fearful: Co-dependents are afraid to be left
alone with no support and family when they’re older, as they didn’t
experience stability in their childhood. They spent many years
believing that they were the only ones who had a dysfunctional
family and felt ashamed by the secrets and abuse they had to hold
inside. As a result, co-dependents prefer to stay in unhealthy and
toxic relationships than be alone because being alone reinforces
their belief that they’re flawed, unworthy and unwanted. They don’t
handle being rejected or abandoned well at all, as the experience
makes them depressed and lose any self-worth they believe they
had. Narcissists are usually very confident that co-dependents will
stay with them despite putting them through an endless cycle of
love-bombing, manipulation, trauma, discard and hoovering,
because they’re able to tolerate it out of hope that their patience will
earn them love and loyalty.
10. They don’t let people help them: Co-dependents aren’t used to
having their needs met or being pampered and taken care of. If
someone does this for them, they immediately feel that they owe
them or have to give something back to feel better. They’re more
comfortable giving help and love than receiving it and would rather
do everything themselves than ask for help or favours and feel
indebted. Secretly, however, they get upset when people aren’t there
for them the same way they are when they need help. This
reinforces their belief that they’re not worthy of being
acknowledged, loved, noticed or cared for. This causes a build-up of
anger, bitterness, hurt and resentment and is often taken out on
people who can’t figure out what’s wrong with them. Co-dependents
want people to strongly insist on helping them and not take “no
thanks” for an answer, in order to feel more comfortable with
accepting what they need.
11. They have poor communication skills: Co-dependents have
trouble communicating their thoughts, wants and needs (especially
when they’re not aware of their needs). This is highly convenient for
a narcissist, who has no interest in anyone’s needs but their own.
They’re usually afraid to speak up about what they really need out
of fear of having it rejected, as they’re used to experiencing in
childhood with their parents. They also fear being truthful because
they don’t want to feel ashamed, upset, or offend other people, so
instead of saying “I like that” or “I need that”, they may pretend
that they don’t.
12. They have obsessive behaviour: Co-dependents overthink the
words and actions of everyone due to their anxiety and fears. They
can spend hours dissecting text messages to extract various
meanings from them. They’re also known to fantasize about a
different life inside their heads, so if they believe that they can’t
have what they want in real life, then they can spend hours
imagining it. They become obsessed when they think they’ve made
a mistake and punish themselves emotionally for it by not being
productive all day and just cry or sulk in bed. They also tend to
obsess about their work and hobbies, as a way of distracting
themselves from the reality of life.
13. They lack self-love: The lack of self-love essentially stems from
their childhood, where they weren’t taught to value themselves.
They didn’t receive the needed validation and emotional support
from their parents, who should’ve told them regularly that they’re
beautiful, loved, special and kind. Therefore, they’re convinced that
if their own parents didn’t believe it then no one else will, because
it’s simply not true. They often put themselves down and regardless
of their (very high) achievements and/or beauty, have very low self-
esteem. Feeling that you’re a failure, not good enough, not attractive
enough or constantly comparing yourself to others are signs of low
or non-existent self-love. Most people who hate themselves don’t
understand why they feel that the people around them dislike or hate
them too. We will often attract in others, what we see and feel
within ourselves.
14. They are in denial of their disorder: Co-dependents don’t realise
they have a disorder and problematic traits until much later in life.
Their constant need to fix people and be in relationships is never
acknowledged as a psychological problem, because it’s in line with
human needs. Co-dependents are in denial of their vulnerability and
need for love and intimacy. Due to their weak boundaries and
feelings of shame, many fear being judged, rejected or left alone
because they come from a very dysfunctional family, were
abandoned by a parent, were divorced, were adopted, are a single
parent, were sexually and/or physically abused and so on. As a
result, many will find excuses to avoid relationships with good and
healthy people and instead seek narcissists who will give them the
attention and validation they need.
15. They make excuses for abuse and disrespect: Co-dependent
children often turn a blind eye to those who make fun of them at
school and pretend that they didn’t see or hear anything to avoid
confrontation. They will believe the reasons bullies give them at
school for abusing them, such as them being ‘weird’. Many co-
dependents get upset and annoyed when people who care about
them make them aware of the abuse and manipulation they’re going
through with others, because they work very hard mentally to block
it out. In most cases, they don’t want to believe that the fantasy
they’re living in isn’t real, as they don’t want to make the difficult
decision of leaving and being alone. So, to make it easier, they’ll
give excuses for people. As adults these excuses (sometimes for
domestic violence too) can sound like, “He had a bad day at work”,
“The kids really annoyed him today” and “He cheated on me
because I wasn’t giving him enough attention”.
Many co-dependents will leave a narcissist who has betrayed them, but
take them back again and again after they have been successfully hoovered.
Narcissists always test the strength of people’s boundaries and will beg and
cry to appeal to the empathic side of co-dependents. However, they greatly
disrespect them when they fall for it, as they’re perceived by the narcissists
as desperate and weak people who will tolerate anything to keep them in
their lives. It is for this reason they get worse in their behaviour the more
people give them chances. Co-dependents often end up depressed because
they have to regularly give up their dignity and self-respect in the name of
(what they believe is) love, but it’s just an unhealthy trauma attachment that
has nothing to do with love. Many co-dependents don’t know that they’ve
been abused and manipulated after a narcissist discards them and continue
to miss their abusive ex after the relationship is over, especially if they see
the abuser move on with someone else and treat them better in the love-
bombing phase. During this time, the co-dependent remembers the
wonderful days with the narcissist and regrets not working harder to keep
the relationship going, but it’s always just a psychological delusion.
Before I knew about co-dependency disorder I used to be amazed to see
how good men were treated terribly and disrespected by their women, but
still somehow managed to see the good in them and apologise or even beg
for forgiveness (even when they didn’t do anything wrong) or take them
back again and again, despite their women betraying them etc. Many
narcissists make co-dependents apologise for their bad reaction to their
abuse, which distracts them from the main problem caused by the narcissist.
Narcissistic Muslim women commonly use men’s desire for sex and
children as a tool to reel them back in after disrespecting and treating them
terribly. However, their men are usually so emotionally broken by then,
they can’t see the reality of the situation. It is also known that no one can
throw a bigger temper tantrum than a narcissistic woman who is losing the
compliance and control over her husband. By flying into a rage (this
sometimes involves smashing things and physically lashing out), they’re
able to guilt-trip and intimidate their partners who freak out during the
ordeal and attempt to quickly fix the situation to make the tantrum stop. Co-
dependents allow people to treat them like this, as long as they don’t leave.
Sometimes they will show that they’re starting to lose patience and rebel a
little, as an indirect way of communicating to their partner that they need to
fix their attitude. They don’t have the courage to directly call out the
narcissist on their toxic behaviour out of fear that it will trigger a big fight,
a terrible reaction (or punishment) and/or cause them to leave. Narcissists
program their partners from the beginning to fear confronting them about
their faults and avoid being punished for hurting their fragile egos. Even
though a co-dependent may become tired and fed up of their partner, they
don’t actually want to leave the toxic relationship that has become their
comfort zone. This is why many co-dependents (who feel that they need the
narcissists) take the blame for their faults. However, narcissists will almost
always leave them in the end, regardless of the patience and efforts made to
keep them happy, because they get bored and need new fuel supply.
A young woman I recently counselled was going through psychological
and emotional abuse with her Muslim husband who had done a great job at
isolating her and keeping her away from friends, family and even the
neighbours. Every time a friend or family member tried to open her eyes to
her husband’s abuse, she would get upset and understand why her husband
ordered her to cut them off. A co-dependent is strongly attached to their
need for a relationship and if being isolated from loved ones will keep them
in one, then so be it. Her husband’s justifications for her isolation greatly
frustrated her loved ones who felt they were losing her as a prisoner to him.
She couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just leave her alone to live her
life and why they kept ‘causing issues’ for her. I asked her why she didn’t
trust them, after which she realised (after some time, discussions and
thought) that her husband had managed to brainwash her into believing that
he had her best interests at heart and that her friends and family were
jealous and wanted to ruin her marriage by planting ‘dangerous thoughts’ in
her mind about him. He also told her that Islamically he has the right to
demand that she cut ties with them, as they were causing problems in their
marriage. Narcissists always isolate you, using many different types of
excuses (their Islamic understanding of their rights being a main one), so
that you’re left without a support network.
Narcissists also hate it when you make new friends and try their best to
stop this from happening, as they’re considered to be a ‘great threat’. Men
will ‘forbid’ their wives from going out with people they don’t know, as
they ‘fear’ for their well-being and don’t approve that their time is being
spent on making new friends than in their home. Narcissistic women also
won’t like it when their husbands want to spend time with their friends or if
they have made new ones at an event or work. They always fear that their
partners will meet better people than them, or that better people will like
and be attracted to them. They also fear their partners will confide in others
about their problems and receive advice that goes against the narcissist’s
best interests. My ex-husband would never leave my side for a minute
whenever I had an academic conference that I needed to go to. He wouldn’t
even risk going to the restroom if it meant that I could be alone for a few
minutes to talk to other people without him monitoring the conversations.
He would also drop me off and park outside the restaurant I was meeting
my friends in (I rarely went out with friends because I was so busy with
work and writing my doctorate thesis) and sit in the car the whole time I
was there, even though we lived just fifteen minutes away. He would do this
just to make it uncomfortable for me knowing he was outside and I’d even
get text reminders of it, in case I was having a good time and forgot about
him being there. He was always very paranoid when I met up with friends,
family and colleagues and by sitting outside in the car he was able to
exercise his control over the situation and the amount of time I spent in the
place with them. Had I not been in Saudi Arabia at the time when
restaurants had segregated areas for men and women, he may have sat
inside the restaurant at a different table too (as some obsessive husbands
have done). I did find it funny to hear some other women complain of the
same behaviour, as I thought mine was a very unique case at the time.
Narcissists become very uncomfortable when you want to go out without
them and will often do something dramatic so you cancel, such as pretend
to be sick or cause a big fight over something trivial to ruin your mood. If
you do go out they will be restless until you come back and when you come
back they will analyse your every move to see if there’s any change in your
attitude or behaviour that indicates you may have spoken to someone. Some
will even demand to check your phone messages or do so behind your back.
Many Muslim narcissists, men and women, will simply forbid their partners
from going out with their friends completely or tell them that they could see
their friends ‘only once a month’ (and only if they’re on their best
behaviour), interrogate them about which friends they want to meet and
state that it would be at a place they approve of. Usually it’s a place where
there aren’t any people of the opposite sex around; ideally Telly Tubby
Land. They will also need to approve of what their partners are wearing, so
going out while looking attractive is absolutely unacceptable. It is common
for women to be told that they can’t leave the house with any makeup on
(or very little) and to wear very loose clothing to be ‘pious’. While it is true
that God requests women to cover well and not display too much of their
beauty in public, except that which necessarily appears (i.e., a naturally
pretty face) to avoid causing a fitnah (temptations) for men, Islam is often
used here by men to justify their request, so that religious women don’t
argue against it. In reality though, these men are just using it as a cover for
their own insecurities. Other women who aren’t so religious may comply,
just to be able to go out and breathe. Both narcissistic men and women
commonly romanticize this form of manipulation (isolation and social
control), so that their partner believes they’re just being protective or
possessive from love and justify tolerating it. The only time I truly felt
freedom is when I would visit my family in another city for a week or so
(without him) and enjoy going out with them and spending time with my
friends. Some husbands won’t even let their wives spend this amount of
time alone with their own families, but it helped that I had male relatives
whom he knew would have been on his case had he caused a problem and
not allowed me to visit my family on my own. He would be very uneasy
and unhappy about it and would call an unbearable number of times to
constantly ‘check in’, but it was still better than physically being there with
him. Narcissists really hate it when women have caring male relatives who
have the ability to stop them from carrying out their injustice. They also
hate it when you don’t answer every time they call when you’re away from
them and will surely punish you later for the anxiety you put them through,
even when you tell them that you just need some space. The words
‘privacy’ and ‘space’ don’t exist in a narcissist’s book of vocabulary and
they will even despise the shadow that accompanies you wherever you go.
They feel entitled to always go through your private things, such as emails,
phone, keep-sake boxes and even hard drives and USBs. They desperately
look for things that they can hold against you later, even if they’re from the
past. The only time a narcissist will happily give you space to go out with
friends and spend time alone is when they’re busy hunting for new victims
or when they’re with another victim.
Narcissists may also go as far as to brainwash their partners into thinking
they’ve had black magic done on them by those who love and advise them,
so that they become suspicious, rebellious and change their attitude towards
them, if they feel there may be some truth in what they’re saying. If co-
dependents make the mistake of mentioning to them a story of someone
who had black magic done on them, especially a family member, they’ll use
it to make them paranoid as well. When a narcissist blames things or people
for their own bad behaviour, it gives them a reason to not feel guilty for all
the awful things they say and do. For example, if their partner is on anti-
depressants, they will say that the medication is making him or her
‘paranoid’ and ‘crazy’ and if they have close friends, they will blame any
acts of ‘disobedience’ or ‘bad attitude’ on their (assumed) bad advice. They
will turn anything and everyone into the cause of their misery.
People often find that narcissists don’t like visiting their in-laws at all
(unless they have an agenda, such as complaining to them first about their
son or daughter before they do, to make it look like they’re not the bad
person in the relationship) and if they must visit then they prefer to be with
their partner or they only let them stay for a short while. Usually they will
be given a time limit and will call them to leave immediately once the time
limit is over. If they don’t leave at the specified time, they will make a big
issue of it when their partners return home. I often hear co-dependents say
that they hate going out because their partners are constantly calling, texting
and embarrassing them in front of people, until they no longer wish to visit
anyone because of the stress they cause them. I remember going out with a
friend who was receiving aggressive messages from her husband over petty
issues, just to ruin her evening and keep her mind occupied. This happened
after my divorce and I could fully relate to what she was going through.
Narcissists really hate it when they know their partners have friends and
family members who are newly (and very happily) divorced, as they greatly
fear that they will inspire and advise them to leave and apply for a divorce
too. He was texting her things like, “If you were a decent wife, you wouldn’t
leave your husband and child alone at home while you’re out having a good
time with your friends”, or “Your kids are sick and need you, you’re not
being a good mother. Come back now!” They persistently say these things
to make them feel guilty for going out and enjoying their time.
Islamic teachings are commonly distorted to force women to get
permission for every little thing they want to do, as a way of having full
control over their every move. Many wives are perceived and treated as
seventh century slaves who are ‘owned’ by their husbands and not as
people with rights, freedoms and free will. These types of men actually love
it when their wives forget to ask for ‘permission’ to do things, as it allows
them to level up in their toxic game and enjoy coming up with various
punishments for them. More often than not, even if they do ask for
permission, they won’t give it, or they give it after they do something for
them (just for the sake of flexing power). In a nutshell, they’re joy killers
and won’t allow them to enjoy what they love. They will only give crumbs
of it if they ‘behave’ and please them. When they do this, a co-dependent
will thank them and be extra nice in return for them being ‘so kind’ to give
them some freedom or the ability to temporarily do something they enjoy. It
may be easy for someone on the outside looking at the situation to say that
they could have stood up for themselves and refused to comply with their
unfair demands, but when someone is in that situation, they only see and
fear the problems and abuse to come, if they don’t comply. In a normal and
healthy situation, a husband would trust that his wife is sensible and wise
enough to know what’s best for her and so she wouldn’t need to ask him for
permission to do everything in life, but instead inform him, so that he has
knowledge of her whereabouts and who she’s with for safety reasons.
Another way for narcissists to dominate their partners is to make them go
to their family gatherings, which are often uncomfortable, unless they get
along with their in-laws. The men almost always have bad relationships
with their (co-dependent) mothers (and no respect for them either) and
women are the same with their (co-dependent) fathers. Narcissists enjoy
taking you to their family gatherings because it gives them a chance to
show everyone that they have someone who respects them (because no one
else in their family does, as they all know who they truly are). Therefore, if
you express disinterest in going, it’s unacceptable to them, because when
they’re alone with their family, their family can treat them like they always
do (with disrespect), but the in-laws respect their partners’ presence
(usually) and tend to stay quiet. You’ll notice that narcissists usually give
their partners a sharp look when they want to leave and enjoy seeing them
quickly scurry around to gather their things before they have a chance to get
annoyed. Co-dependent parents are usually very grateful and compassionate
with their sons and daughters in-law, because they know what they must be
dealing with and tend to bond with them and spoil them as a way of
compensating them for being patient with their son or daughter’s bad
behaviour. They dread the day when they (inevitably) hear that they’ve had
enough and want a divorce. It is not uncommon to see narcissists become
very jealous of the relationships their partners have with their parents and
may work to monitor and jeopardise those too. If the parents are narcissists,
however, then they will always support their narcissistic sons and daughters
and won’t have much respect or compassion for their co-dependent
partners. Narcissistic Muslim fathers love it when their sons meet beautiful,
highly educated, wealthy and/or religious co-dependent women because
they see them as an achievement, an asset and/or trophy and believe that
they will stick around for life if their sons play the game properly (the right
amount of abuse with the right amount of crumb rewards and hope to keep
them holding on, forgiving and coming back). Co-dependent women who
have yet to achieve much in life are often married off by their narcissistic
parents at a young age (in traditional households) to other narcissists, so
that they can be ‘moulded’ by their husbands and in-laws to their liking.
I know many women who were married off at seventeen and eighteen to
narcissistic men their fathers chose or approved of. They were surely
moulded by them to become obedient wives who follow their lifestyles. I
remember a time when a relative (who got married at eighteen) wanted to
come to our family gathering (she hadn’t seen us in months) that would
extend into the late hours of the night. She told me that she called her
husband to ask him if she could stay the night at our house to save him from
having to pick her up late and he said, “Absolutely not! You’re coming home
right now like a good wife and attend to your husband and your duties.
Your family no longer comes first. The house needs cleaning as well. I will
pick you up at 9pm, be ready and don’t make me wait long outside!” She
was raised by her narcissistic father to be an outwardly religious co-
dependent woman, which is why such dominating behaviour from a
seemingly religious Muslim husband was considered to be somewhat
normal for her, even though she was suffering a lot psychologically. Her
mother and younger sisters who were at our house could see her distress but
didn’t want her to have any marital problems, so they encouraged her to go
home by 9pm. She was so upset and frustrated, as she felt forced to go back
home and spend the weekend with her husband whom she hated. What
made things much worse when she returned home was seeing him go out
with his friends and leave her alone with the children who weren’t fed,
bathed or asleep. This was his way of punishing her for the ‘audacity’ she
demonstrated when asking him if she could stay the night at ours and leave
him alone with the children and an untidy house. However, it wasn’t about
her spending time with her family that bothered him, as mentioned before,
narcissists are paranoid and miserable people and don’t like knowing that
you’re complaining about them or having a good time without them.
Unfortunately, after twelve years of him inflicting religious and spiritual
abuse on her, she was discarded for a younger wife and became very ill
from the experience. It took a long time to help her heal from her traumatic
experiences and the self-hate she deeply felt inside herself for not having a
strong personality, for wasting her health and youth by staying in the
marriage and for being patient for the sake of her children, who chose to
live with their father after the divorce. She felt so angry that she endured a
toxic twelve years of marriage with nothing to show for it except mental
and physical health problems and children who ‘abandoned her’.
This is just one story out of many that demonstrate how narcissists have
different ways of punishing God-fearing co-dependent partners. To re-cap,
the common types of punishment are: forbidding them from something they
like (in the narcissist’s eyes it’s a “privilege”), such as seeing their friends,
the silent treatment, full-blown rages to intimidate and instil fear, destroying
their favourite possessions, hiding their important possessions (such as a
passport), physical abuse, refusing intimacy, stopping any financial
allowance and neglecting their rights and general needs. Narcissists will
punish them (harshly) for all kinds of reasons, such as not wearing what
they were asked to wear and if they refuse to cook dinner (even after
they’ve been verbally or physically abused). They may even go out and buy
themselves food (usually their favourite) and not bring them back any, as
punishment. Sometimes, they will post inappropriate images of themselves
on social media, such as revealing selfies, just to get likes and comments
that they know their partners will see, to make them insecure and
suspicious. They love to see their partners worry when they see others
complimenting and messaging them. It is a very toxic way of reminding
them that they have ‘options’ and people who want them, so they need to
‘behave’ because they’re ‘lucky’ to have them in their lives. A concrete fact
about narcissists is that they need co-dependents to survive and they don’t
care at all if they eventually hate them. They’re able to live with people
who hate them and really enjoy the misery they put them through, because
they’re miserable themselves and love making life difficult. Narcissists
know very well that their partners who hate them would have left the
relationship if they were strong and brave enough, which is why they risk
doing whatever they like and pushing the limits.
A very important observation I came across in my studies and with the
experiences of friends, family members and people I have counselled is that
many co-dependent children look for their abusive parents in their future
partners. So, if a boy had a beautiful narcissistic mother, he will often be
drawn to beautiful narcissistic women and their dramas when he’s older and
a woman will similarly be drawn to charming narcissistic men like her
father. If a woman was abandoned by a narcissistic father who completely
disappeared from her life, then she will search for him in other men who
greatly resemble him in looks and character. It is very rare that someone
who’s raised in a healthy, spiritual and loving environment by wonderful
parents will end up with a narcissist. However, it’s possible for them to be
deceived by someone who they believed was a good person, because
they’re regularly seen at the mosque and charity events, for example.
Women who are raised by loving fathers are likely to marry men like them
too because that’s how they know men to be. Therefore, anyone who
doesn’t live up to the standards their fathers have set of respect, care,
morals, kindness and good treatment, won’t be accepted by them or their
families. On the other hand, a woman who’s used to being verbally abused
by her father and deprived of love, care, respect, attention and affection will
most likely attract the same kind of man in life, as she knows how to deal
with such a person. A woman who didn’t get approval from her father while
growing up (especially if she tried hard to get her father’s love and
affection), will subconsciously seek it from men who resemble him too and
will continue to accept bad treatment until she becomes aware of her
disorder. If a woman’s father was absent during her life then she will
usually grow up not knowing how a woman should be treated if she doesn’t
have other caring father figures in her life either. These women tend to have
little to no expectations from men, which is why they lose many of their
rights to men who are able to get away with not fulfilling their duties
towards them. All these issues are commonly referred to as “daddy issues”.
It is therefore understandable why the first right in Islam that a child has
over his or her parent is the choice of mother or father, as it will determine
how good their upbringing will be. It is an Islamic obligation to seriously
consider the type of parent someone could be for your future children.
Employing full-time nannies to look after children, if both parents work
long hours, is also detrimental to them, unless the nannies are educated
practicing Muslims who genuinely care about the well-being of the children
and keep them away from watching problematic content on their iPads and
TVs when bored. There’s a beautiful Hadith narrated by Jabir Ibn Abdullah
(ra), who reported that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Anyone who has three daughters and provides for them, clothes them and
shows mercy to them will surely enter Paradise.” A man from his people
said, “And what if someone only has two daughters O Prophet?”
He said, “Even two.”
(Musnad Ahmad, 13835)
Some scholars believe that if the man had asked him about one, The
Prophet (pbuh) would have said, “Even one.”
This Hadith emphasizes the importance of the role and duties of a father
towards his daughters, because his relationship with them will immensely
impact their future, mental health and choice of husband. The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) was the most kind, loving, compassionate,
understanding and caring father and the way he treated his four daughters
set an example of how fathers should honour this blessing of God. It is
known that mothers have a high position in Islam (under God), but loving
and affectionate fathers have an equally important position. A father’s
responsibility is sensitive and demands a lot of care, so much so that all his
sins will be forgiven and he will be granted Paradise, if he raises his
daughters well. Raising girls is a greater challenge for a man than raising
boys, as it requires him to bond with his daughters and meet them at a
deeply emotional level. The protection of their mental, spiritual and
physical health (chastity) is in itself a great task, but comes with abundant
rewards and a father can only succeed in raising them if he does it with
love, patience, kind advice, trust and understanding. A girl’s emotional
relationship with her father is more important than that with her mother,
especially over the age of seven. Islamically, a Muslim father is granted
custody of his daughter when she reaches the age of seven for this reason
among others, whereas a boy is able to choose between his parents, as he
may be the only mahram (male guardian) for his mother and will need her
affection and nurturing. Boys tend to need their mothers more emotionally,
as the father’s role with them is usually more educational and practical.
Narcissistic fathers, however, are more likely to get their daughters
married to narcissists and approve of them more than others. If the men
who wish to marry their daughters are empaths, these fathers will refuse
them just for the sake of saying no and will create many excuses and
difficulties, much to the dismay and frustration of their empathic and co-
dependent wives. Narcissistic men perceive empathic men as weak and not
manly enough and don’t mind if their co-dependent daughters marry men
who aren’t practicing (and are sometimes known to be involved in drugs
etc), if there’s a great benefit that comes with them in business, finances or
social status. Satan doesn’t want co-dependents to marry people who can
support them Islamically and help them heal, which is why you’ll find that
they’re generally not attracted to empathic men, as Satan makes narcissists
more appealing to them.
Now, when I say that co-dependents aren’t attracted to empathic men, I
don’t mean that in the literal sense, as everyone would love to be with a
nice and kind person, even a narcissist. However, in Islam we know that
when it comes to romantic relationships, feminine energy is attracted to
masculine energy and masculine energy is attracted to feminine energy and
this can (more often than not) take precedence over someone’s level of
kindness and empathy. Narcissists know how to use their masculinity and
femininity to their advantage as bait and will have people of the opposite
sex hooked on them in no time. They also know that many co-dependents
are looking to be rescued from their boredom, which is why they come
across as being fun and daring, something that greatly appeals to people
who believe that they themselves are boring. Have you noticed (mainly on
social media) how many heterosexual men have been attracted to feminine
men who wear dresses and make-up? It’s how our human energy works. I
watched a few documentaries and interviews online involving homosexual
men who have seen a rise in heterosexual men being attracted to them
because they know (as men) what attracts alpha males. They all say that the
more feminine a woman is, the more a masculine man will be attracted to
her and the more masculine a woman is, the less likely he’ll be attracted to
her, as a man’s instinct by fitrah is to lead, protect, provide and be the
physically stronger one in the relationship. Alpha men want to see women
as beautiful delicate beings and expect them to want and need their
protection and care.
Many men in all cultures cheat on their wives who are masculine, loud,
aggressive, bossy and careless about their appearance, with very feminine
women (the Barbie dolls), because they make them feel masculine. If you
take a few minutes to notice the people around you who are with narcissists,
you’ll find that they’re more attracted to their high level of masculine or
feminine energy than anything else. Narcissists know that they can
compensate for their great lack of empathy and good character if they use
their masculine or feminine energy in the best way. To co-dependent
women, masculine men are those who appear to have the desired qualities
of being physically strong, handsome, protective, tall, jealous, dominant,
financially successful, well-dressed, well-groomed, sexy, charming and
very confident. This is not all narcissists of course (some of them are just
charming and handsome and have nothing else to offer), but they know very
well that taking advantage of their good looks, money, charm and material
possessions will get them the girls, even if they have to fake it and pretend
to own what they regularly take photos with in their Instagram photos. If all
a man (or woman) has to offer is an attractive face and body then that’s all
you’ll see on their social media page. Pretending to be religious and
knowledgeable as well is a big bonus, as it will impress the pretty religious
girls who will compete for (and sometimes chase) these types of men. Due
to having this perception of men, co-dependent women tend to find the
good empathic men who don’t have some or all of these traits as being too
boring, sensitive, unattractive and feminine. I have spoken to many low-
level empath men over the years who never understood why good-natured
Muslim women (not knowing they’re co-dependents), aren’t interested in
them and they always get overlooked, rejected or left for men who aren’t
nice or good people at all.
The middle to high-level supernova empathic women, however, don’t
tend to fall for the façade of narcissists, as they search for the quality of
empathy in orders too and if it’s not found they usually don’t waste their
time pursuing a relationship with someone who presents a great exterior,
but has nothing on the inside to offer them. They make more sensible
decisions from the beginning with the help of their parents and pursue those
who are more compatible with their personality, faith and lifestyle so that
they can have an easier and peaceful life with someone who’s on the same
level. Supernova empaths are able to identify who narcissists and co-
dependents are, whereas low-level empaths aren’t always aware or able to
do so, due to a lack of knowledge.
Co-dependents, like narcissists, love the trophy-type partner they can
show off and won’t mind accepting the cold emptiness within them if being
with them gives them the social validation they need. Co-dependent men
and women rarely know their worth and aren’t naturally drawn to mid to
high-level empaths because they’re very different from the men and women
they grew up with. Co-dependent men prefer strong powerful women over
the shy and quiet types, as they excite them, keep them on edge and keep
them interested. They perceive feminine women as being beautiful, elegant,
well-dressed, well-groomed, clean, fun, sexy, confident, materialistic and
flirtatious. These men get a great boost in their self-esteem from being with
such attractive bougie women, not knowing that they’re being perceived as
ideal victims. To keep these women (and how they make them feel), co-
dependent men will bend over backwards to make sure they’re always
happy and don’t leave. They will accept being completely controlled by
their partners and give up their freedoms, the things they enjoy doing and
other relationships if that’s what it takes to keep the beautiful narcissistic
women by their sides.
Narcissistic men who cheat on their partners with feminine women don’t
consider the reasons why their partners become more masculine over time,
because when they got married, they were attracted to their feminine
energy. They don’t take responsibility for their actions that led their wives
to no longer care about looking beautiful for them and cause them to be
aggressive with their children from the built-up stress inside them. They
don’t take the blame for the lack of love they receive from their partners
because of their abusive behaviour or accept that their partners are only
staying with them for the sake of the children. The same goes for women
who cheat on their ‘feminine’ husbands. It is them who made their
husbands so feminine, by taking away their masculinity and dignity as
punishments whenever they tried to stand up for themselves. Narcissistic
women want servants and slaves as partners, but disrespect them for not
being ‘manly enough’ to walk away from bad treatment, hence why they
betray them with men they respect who don’t accept bad treatment and who
don’t give them what they want at all or easily. You’ll often hear co-
dependent men who have been cheated on or discarded say things like, “I
gave her everything”, “She asked me for a house and I bought her one
because I loved her”, “She cheated on me with a playboy who treats her
badly” and “I did everything for her and she betrayed me”. Unfortunately,
these women will always prey on co-dependent men to get everything they
need before moving onto men who are more suited to them. Once these
women secure themselves financially or with a house or children or
business shares (this can also happen during a civil divorce procedure), they
quickly find another source of supply and discard their (depleted) partners
whom they never respected or valued. It is the reason why narcissistic
women in particular invest so much time and money into maintaining their
beauty, because they know they will need it to secure another source of
supply later. Their husbands didn’t know that they were just seen and
treated as servants and slaves who agreed to give them whatever they
demanded in return for basic needs, such as sex and stability. They end up
feeling used and deceived and become bitter, depressed and emotionally
closed off for years until they find professional help or someone who can
help them heal. Some become so damaged and lose everything they own in
the process that it takes them many years to recover from the whole
experience, if they ever do at all. It’s the harsh reality of the situation, but
sugar coating it hasn’t helped anyone and the aim of this book is to open
people’s eyes to how they can be manipulated and used by narcissists, so
they can make sense of what happened to them and/or avoid them.
Co-dependents who were made to feel worthless or ‘not good enough’ by
their parents will often seek people who give them their value and worth as
they grow up, as they were never taught that they could find it within
themselves. Therefore, when a co-dependent receives social validation,
such as “Wow! Your husband is incredibly handsome”, or “How on earth
did you get a woman like her?!” it makes them feel super proud and keeps
them clinging on harder to their partner, as they believe they’re lucky and
that their value has now increased in the eyes of society. At the same time,
this validation makes them excessively worry and be paranoid about losing
their partners to other people who admire them. Children who were only
praised and valued when they did well in their exams etc grew up to believe
that their value came from something external, which is why they tend to
work harder than others to get high job positions, exceed in academia and
get involved in charity projects. The more they’re liked, loved and admired
for what they do, the happier they are, whereas empaths find happiness in
being liked, loved and admired for who they are. This is why, empaths are
less likely than others to fall into depression, because when an external
source of value for a co-dependent is taken away, (i.e., their partner leaves
or they lose their job), their world comes crashing down and they have no
pillars (self-worth) to keep them standing strong. It is one of the reasons
why most co-dependents always have to be in a relationship, so as soon as
one ends, they have to find a re-bound replacement as soon as possible to
feel stable.
Narcissists view femininity and masculinity differently from co-
dependents. The subject of masculinity has been distorted by narcissistic
men misinterpreting various Islamic teachings, because contrary to their
beliefs, there’s nothing wrong with a woman being more intelligent and
successful than a man. It’s actually an asset to him, as she can help him in
many of his personal affairs by being knowledgeable and educated enough
to raise and teach her children well. However, many Muslim men have been
conditioned by culture and society to only believe that the qualities that
make a woman desirable and feminine are beauty, submissiveness, shyness,
obedience, patience, chastity and being softly spoken. These men strongly
believe that they must excel women in intelligence, Islamic knowledge,
education, finances, career, strength and authority, or they lose a large
chunk (if not all) of their manhood, authority and masculinity. This
misunderstanding is what contributes towards a disturbing narcissistic
mindset in Muslim men. They learn that ‘to put a woman (excelling them)
back in her place’, they must abuse her and belittle her ambitions, skills,
knowledge and talents, so that she feels unworthy of being anything other
than a ‘submissive housewife’. In this instance, a talented co-dependent
woman may subconsciously accept this and find excuses to be with him.
She may even give up (and justify) her passions and dreams to make a man
happy “in the name of love and/or Islam” (i.e., his understanding of them). I
have also seen many women (unwillingly) accept to be housewives and
abandon their jobs, hobbies and what they worked very hard for, to live an
‘Islamic lifestyle’ pleasing to their husbands. Some even went the whole
nine yards and wore a burka (face veil) to please them, despite never
wearing one before. This change usually comes after watching a lot of
YouTube lectures that their husbands send them in which patriarchal
sheikhs speak about the obligation of a woman’s ‘blind’ obedience to her
husband. It is for this reason Muslim narcissists will target practicing God-
fearing women whom they can manipulate with Islam, as it’s the easiest
way of getting them to do what they need them to do.
I want to emphasize here that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a
woman being or choosing to be a housewife and giving more time to her
home and family. In fact, a woman being a housewife is more honourable
and rewarding with God because raising children, spending time tending to
spiritual life and looking after herself should be her priority. All of these are
highly rewarding acts that require a lot of effort. However, when a woman
feels that she’s worked too hard to earn her career or job position, then
there’s no fault on her if she wishes to leave the marriage, because her
husband deceived her before marriage by agreeing to her situation and
saying that he would support her in the continuation of her work and career,
but is now trying to force and manipulate her with Islam (or other things to
make her feel guilty) to stay at home. Narcissists are quick to change their
minds or reveal their true intentions regarding what they had agreed to
before marriage, soon after you’ve married them. They usually agree to
something they intend on taking away from you when they met you the first
time. Narcissists go for people who are way out of their league and once
they’ve captured them with their false identity, they need to bring them
down once it becomes safe to do so (when they’re ‘stuck’ in a marriage
with them) to make themselves feel better. They need to turn it around
quickly so that they become the person who’s out of their league to have
and they do this by chipping away at their confidence, self-worth and
achievements in a subtle way that most people don’t notice until their loved
ones mention it to them. They know that once they complete this mission,
their victims will see them as being more valuable and successful. It is the
main reason why they’re so paranoid, jealous and insecure, because they
know they’re too good for their partners and deserve better. A normal
healthy person feels proud of their spouse’s ambitions and achievements
and is genuinely happy to have them in their lives.
Muslim narcissists who secretly intend to marry women for their money
and other financial benefits will often use a very heavy love-bombing
strategy on them. They know very well that these women aren’t in need of
them financially and so they set out to fulfil all their emotional needs (and
sometimes their sexual needs too), as a way of manipulating them to believe
that they need these narcissists in their lives to fill a large empty void.
These women become so happy when they believe they’ve found and are
experiencing true love and will make special allowances and compromises
(that out of the norm) to accommodate them in their lives. For example,
they may accept that the men are unemployed or have a low paid job, when
originally, they would never have considered men in their situation.
Muslims scholars agree that God gave men the status of al-qawwam (the
head of the family who has a degree of authority over his wife) because
they’re expected to spend money to feed them, house them, clothe them,
educate them and take care of their medical needs and the needs of their
children. However, there are many men out there who don’t want this
financial responsibility and will look for women who are financially stable,
independent and have enough to provide for the both of them. Therefore, if
a woman becomes the main bread winner in the family, she’s entitled to
more authority than a man in their family decisions, because her husband
and children are now dependent on her for their needs. What’s funny
though, is that many narcissists don’t agree with this understanding and
continue to enforce their authority and cultural patriarchal views on their
wives, even when they’re dependent on them. They don’t want to shoulder
their responsibilities and fulfil their duties as men, but demand the respect
and authority of al-qawwam. Sadly, many Muslim women allow this to
happen out of fear, because if they don’t, Muslim husbands can become
very verbally and physically abusive, as it will be the only way they know
to regain control of what they perceive to be masculinity. Women who
allow it to happen do so for a number of other reasons too that include them
wanting to present their husbands to their families and society as men who
are respected, so that others don’t belittle them and also for cultural reasons,
as they believe that men are automatically privileged and entitled from birth
to hold the power and authority, regardless of whether they’ve earned it or
not. They may also allow it because they don’t know what their Islamic
rights are and what they’re entitled to in specific or abnormal situations.
This needs to be addressed urgently, because these men believe that they
can always get away with it, as long as there are women who are willing to
tolerate it and tolerating it doesn’t improve the situation of our men, broken
homes and Muslim societies. It makes them much worse.
Many women who have given up years of their lives to support their
families financially have noticed that instead of their husbands being
grateful and more determined to step up and claim their role as al-qawwam,
they become even more lazy. They lack the motivation to work hard and
maintain a career and are often in and out of jobs, which causes their wives
to become very frustrated and lose all respect for them. Deep down most of
these men are incredibly bored, believe they’re pathetic and envy their
wives for being ‘stronger’ and ‘more masculine’ than they are and
consciously or subconsciously seek to destroy their self-esteem in other
ways to feel better about themselves. Some men will do this by having an
affair or secretly taking a second wife (even when they can’t afford to do
so) to feel somewhat masculine and powerful again. What’s more shocking
and appalling about this, is that in some cases, the second marriage is
(unknowingly) being financed by the first wife when she gives her husband
the “loans” he needs to “start a business” or “help some relatives”! In other
cases, the second marriage is funded by money that the husband has
secretly saved for himself since before the marriage or during it. Some men
will have low paid jobs, but they don’t spend their money on their families,
because they don’t disclose how much they earn or how much they’ve
saved and so while their wives are paying for the biggest chunk of their
household expenses, thye’re able to save their money and spend it on
themselves and another woman later on. This tends to be the straw that
breaks the camel’s back when their wives find out and a divorce is initiated
(khula). A wife’s request for a divorce from a ‘useless and ungrateful
husband’ presents him with a big problem if he isn’t ready to leave yet
(because he hasn’t secured himself another source of supply). However,
these men know that eventually they’ll get ‘kicked out’ and prepare for it by
having a back-up in place to run to when that time comes. Therefore, it’s
highly important that both men and women are taught about the roles and
duties of husbands and wives before they get married so that they can avoid
these issues. Turning away men for marriage who aren’t able or willing to
fulfil their responsibilities will ultimately benefit them, because they’ll have
no other option but to find jobs and work harder in their careers or
businesses, so that they can get married and earn their respected role as al-
qawwam. Muslim men who aren’t narcissists who depend on their wives
financially, as a result of them losing their job, for example, will continue to
make strong efforts to find another job and/or other income streams whilst
showing mercy and appreciation by helping their wives with the children,
housework, cooking and errands.
Narcissistic men who aren’t ready to leave a marriage (and who don’t
have a back-up source of supply), will often resort to using their children to
help them out. They become the ‘fun fathers’ to their young children
because they know very well that if the children are very emotionally
attached to them, their co-dependent partners will find it hard to end the
marriage. They also know that their partners won’t want to risk losing their
children in a custody battle, as they know the children are more likely to
choose the ‘fun parent’ to live with. Narcissistic fathers make sure that the
mother is the aggressive parent, who disciplines the children when they’re
naughty, so that their loyalty lies with their fathers. They give them all sorts
of freedoms and flexibilities when their mother isn’t around, so that when
she’s back, she’ll face a harder struggle to discipline her children again. As
the children become more rebellious and increasingly believe that their
mother’s just want to deprive them of fun, mothers feel forced to use
harsher disciplinary actions, which only makes them prefer their fathers
even more. Children grow up believing that their fathers love them more,
but they don’t know that they’re being used in a toxic manipulative process
to keep their mother trapped in the marriage. Unfortunately, the parent who
truly loves them is the one who appears to be cruel, heartless, toxic and
abusive because she has to regularly change the rules and discipline
strategies to fix her established routine that he disrupts when she isn’t
around. This can also be the case for men who are the co-dependent parents.
Narcissistic mothers may push the boundaries by putting make up on their
children and dressing them inappropriately, for example, which are actions
their husbands don’t like or approve of at all. Therefore, to avoid the
headaches, narcissistic parents will do what they want behind their partner’s
backs, which indirectly teaches their children that as long as their mothers
and fathers (who are trying to protect them) don’t see the wrong they’re
doing, then it’s fine to do what they like. These children will apply this
immoral teaching later in their adult relationships to get away with doing
wrong to others.
Narcissistic parents are also known to disrespect their partners in front of
their children. For example, if their mother says “no” to something, they
will say “yes”, just to annoy her. This is considered to be the lowest form of
psychological abuse (after they tell their children to do the opposite of what
the other parent has told them to do behind their back). This disrespect can
escalate to verbal abuse in front of the children and in more extreme cases,
physical abuse. Children with narcissistic tendencies will learn that it’s okay
to treat their partner like this and children with co-dependent tendencies
will learn that this behaviour is normal and acceptable if their mothers don’t
show any courage to stand up for themselves and leave. When children see
their abused parent stay and tolerate the disrespect, they’re programmed to
believe that this is what a good husband or wife should do. Other children,
however, can become very angry and upset that their parents don’t stand up
for themselves and leave. This causes them to lose respect for their parents
and become rebellious. They become very frustrated that not only are their
abused parents not strong enough to fight for their rights, but are unable to
fight for theirs too and because of this, they’re missing out on many things
that are being withheld from them. Only high-level empathic children will
sympathise with their parents who are being disrespected and offer them
comfort.
So, as you can see, co-dependents carry many unresolved childhood
issues into their adult relationships and since humans are drawn to what’s
familiar to them, they don’t see these issues as being dangerously
problematic. If you don’t know what a healthy relationship is, you’ll feel
that your toxic relationship is normal and healthy relationships are
abnormal. To co-dependents, normal loving relationships are quite alien and
scary, because they belong in an unfamiliar territory and require a high level
of self-love. So, they subconsciously prefer to be in toxic relationships, as
it’s their comfort zone. It is better and less intimidating for them to stay in a
toxic place than to make the required efforts to change who they are to be
with healthy people. Co-dependents love that narcissists need them and
narcissists love that co-dependents are willing to go above and beyond to
fulfil their every need in order to feel loved, worthy, normal and important.
However, if they’re discarded by the narcissists, after they have invested so
much to keep them happy (i.e., their time, efforts, money, sex, help,
favours, gifts, giving up principles and various sacrifices), they find
themselves back in a dark abyss of depression. Co-dependency and its
consequences all fall under ‘the disease of the heart’ because they involve
neglecting the needs and rights of the soul, nafs and body significantly, as a
result of being attached to a person (or people) and investing more in them
than in their relationship with God. Co-dependents rely so much on
people’s approval that they’ll put themselves at risk of committing shirk,
when they prioritise them over God and commit major sins, to impress and
please them.
From the information provided above, you can understand how co-
dependents each possess various levels of al nafs al lawwamah according to
where they are in their healing journey, their level of faith in God and in the
strength of their co-dependency disorder and traits. They can all display a
high level of empathy and kindness; however, when it’s mixed with low
self-love, self-respect, faith in God and religious guidance it becomes a
problematic, confusing and complex Muslim personality to deal with. Due
to a lack of education about Islam and human behaviour, co-dependents are
easy to manipulate and lead astray. They’re easily influenced in school,
college and university and can deviate from their parent’s teachings and
Islamic principles if they get involved with the wrong people. They usually
try to do what’s right but lose themselves in the process, because all that
matters to them is that they’re loved and ‘fit in’ where they want to belong.
As they have the ability and will to change for someone they love, they can
be guided with the help of good friends and professional help to discover
the rewards of making the necessary changes to heal and love themselves.
11. The Need for Sexual Validation Among
Co-Dependent Muslims
American Professor Randy Pausch famously said, “When there’s an

elephant in the room, introduce it.” So, I’ll write about a subject that’s not
openly discussed in our communities, but will significantly help to put
things into context. This section is about Muslims who use sex to
manipulate others into getting what they want. Many people assume that it’s
just narcissists who do this, but many co-dependent Muslim women also
use sex as a tool before marriage, as a way of obtaining love, commitment
and validation from the men they want to be with.
As co-dependents have learned that love must be earned, many feel
(during this problematic era of casual hook ups and free sex) that if they can
impress men sexually, then they will earn their commitment, but this is
often very far from the truth. I’ve heard confessions from co-dependent
Muslim women about the tricks and strategies they used to seduce some of
the Muslim men they liked into a sexual relationship, out of hope that they
will like them. Most, if not all Muslim narcissists will certainly take
advantage of any offers of free sex or sexual favours that come their way
from attractive women, as it saves them from making the efforts needed to
love-bomb them first. When a narcissist sees that a woman is eager to
please and impress him, he no longer feels the need to chase or work hard
to ‘get her’ and immediately loses respect, because he perceives her as
being ‘desperate’. If a narcissist wishes to break the self-esteem of a woman
and make her question her attractiveness, he will deliberately reject her
advances. This often causes a co-dependent to keep trying for the
validation, which inflates the narcissist’s ego and when he finally decides to
take advantage, she considers it an achievement.
You may wonder how some Muslim women find it easy to do this? Or
how can they commit such a major sin while some of them appear to be
practicing? Are they considered to be hypocrites? Many people are quick to
(wrongly) judge others for the sins they commit without knowing the
reasons behind them and what they’ve been through in life. There are
various reasons besides needing and wanting love, attention and validation
that can explain this behaviour. One of the reasons is that they were
sexually abused when they were younger by someone or some people who
were meant to care for them. Being sexually abused as a child can result in
people either becoming very sexually active as adults or not active at all.
For some people, sex and intimacy triggers bad memories and traumas for
them, so they avoid it completely. I have counselled women who told me
that they spent all their lives feeling dirty and worthless, because they were
raped or repeatedly abused, so when they grew up they felt that they had
nothing to lose, as they were already ‘damaged’ and no longer had a
virginity to protect. Many would continue allowing men to use and abuse
them to reinforce their internal beliefs that they’re worthless. I also came
across a few women who told me that they either spent long periods of time
not bathing or having showers (this could be from a few days to two to
three weeks) to reinforce the belief that they’re dirty and disgusting or
developed a chronic case of OCD and showered excessively in order to feel
cleansed psychologically and physically from the shame they were always
carrying. Either way, they were suffering in silence and didn’t know who to
speak to about it or how to heal themselves mentally, emotionally and
spiritually.
These women learned in childhood that sex can be used as a way to
either manipulate men or to gain self-worth, because they were rewarded as
children after they were ‘used’ for someone else’s pleasure. As these
women (both narcissists and co-dependents) didn’t receive the professional
help and support they needed while growing up, their sexual traumas
became a driving force that controlled their lives. Many of them were
unable to separate their practicing Muslim identities from their strong need
to earn love via sex and sexual favours and so, even though some of them
prayed all five daily prayers and fasted the month of Ramadan, they
continued to engage in the act of zina. These women hoped that they would
be able to earn a man’s commitment to them if they proved themselves
worthy in the bedroom, because that’s all they believed they had to offer.
While growing up, they didn’t learn how to attach any value to their other
achievements, because they weren’t rewarded for them, as they were for
their compliance by their sexual abusers. Sexual abuse can happen to many
highly empathic children and teenagers too, but they’re more likely than
others to receive help and counselling for it, as they’re usually surrounded
by loving and caring people whom they can talk to. Narcissists and co-
dependents, however, are too ashamed to inform their parents (who have
their own issues) and other people about it out of fear and because they
don’t want to be blamed, punished, disgraced, judged, humiliated, looked
down upon and pitied.
It is important to mention here that men also get sexually abused when
they’re children but they’re far less likely than girls to tell anyone about it
and it can be a secret they take with them to the grave. The majority of men
who were abused by people they trusted, grow up to be narcissistic, as they
take their anger, shame and frustration out on everyone around them. Many
Muslim boys were unfortunately molested and abused in places such as
home, hospitals, mosques and schools by their relatives, doctors, nurses,
imams and Qur’an teachers. It is one of the reasons why some Muslim
narcissists resent sheikhs and imams and refuse to go to the mosque (or let
their children go either). They grow up with very deep trust issues, become
addicted to pornography and tend to have abnormal sexual desires. Co-
dependent men, on the other hand, who were abused as children often grow
up to be very quiet, reserved and shy away from any sexual contact. If they
were abused by men, then there’s a chance they may have been conditioned
to perceive men in a sexual way, which makes it more likely for them to
develop emotional and sexual feelings for other men in young adulthood.
This is usually kept as a secret too, as the element of shame is strong within
them. This is why, in Islam, we’re taught to believe that God, in all His
fairness and justice, has created everyone upon His pure fitrah, which
means that no one is born with sins and homosexual desires. It is the
upbringing, traumas, experiences, relationships and environments that
people have been through that shape and influence the outcome of their
characters, faith, mental health, sexual orientation, sins and life choices.
Another reason that some co-dependent women are involved in unlawful
relationships is because they have Muslim friends who engage in them with
men and have seen (what they believe to be) positive outcomes from their
immoral behaviour. For example, one woman told me that a few of her
Muslim friends had boyfriends at university whom they were sleeping with
for a long period of time and the men were committed to them and married
them. This led them to believe that there was no real harm being done if at
the end of the day they could halalify the relationship by getting married
when they’re both ready.
A third reason is because some Muslim women are very insecure and
need to prove to men that they’re attractive, beautiful and sexy under the
hijab that (they believe) makes them unattractive and even ‘ugly’. A lot of
women wear the hijab only for cultural reasons or as an effort to be good
Muslims or to be seen as good Muslims or to please their families. Some
will even wear the hijab because they believe they don’t have nice hair
anyway to show off and so look better with it on. Whatever the reason is,
they will meet the hijab half way by attempting to sexualise it as the first
step in their mission to feel better about themselves. Sexualising the hijab
means that clothing may be very tight and sometimes revealing, makeup
may be heavy, heels may be very high and perfume may be very strong.
Despite some women dressing this way to get attention and validation for
their beauty and ‘hotness’, they complained that Muslim men have either
used them in short flings, dismissed them for marriage because they were
judged and perceived to be “hoes” or because the men were still “unable to
see” if they would be sexually attracted to them or not, as they weren’t
showing (all) their hair. Some men (including non-Muslim men) will say
this just as a test to see how far Muslim women will go to remove their
hijab and expose their sexuality. If they don’t fall for it at all, they will be
respected and left alone (sometimes after a couple more tests) and if they do
fall for it, then they’ll lose the respect of the men who will either be turned
off by them for having a weak personality and principles that can be easily
broken to please people or use them, because it’s easy to. Some practicing
co-dependent Muslim women have found it very difficult to resist the tests
of very good-looking narcissists and so they make some allowances (to not
lose their opportunities with them) by sending revealing photos, removing
their hijab in front of them while in a private space and putting themselves
in an environment with them where a sexual relationship can ensue.
Sexual intimacy before marriage is rejected by many practicing Muslims
who refuse to give up their moral principles for the sake of getting married.
Narcissists will go the extra mile and love-bomb the more God-fearing
women in particular, who display even a tiny amount of weakness or
hesitation, to encourage them to commit zina by promising and swearing by
God’s name that they will (eventually) marry them, as a ‘reward’ for their
compliance. If they manage to gain that person’s trust and fulfil their
mission, they will often lose interest in them shortly after and narcissists are
known to not keep their promises and so the way they get out of fulfilling
them, is by cheating on their partner and informing them of it, so that they
hate them and leave. This is always a very traumatic experience for the co-
dependent who may panic and not know what to do, because they’ve
committed a major sin with someone who has now betrayed them. If the co-
dependent chooses to forgive, then they may increase their sexual activity
with the narcissist to try and keep their attention, but he will continue to
cheat anyway, until the co-dependent leaves for good. Narcissists don’t
want the hassle of dealing with the emotional issues of their partners and so
betraying them or treating them badly is usually their best ‘exit-card’ from
commitment and the situation. Many of these Muslims, after going through
such terrible experiences, believe that they’ve become ‘damaged’ and may
as well continue having girlfriends and boyfriends, because it’s easier than
repenting, especially if they believe they still need so much validation from
others to lift their self-worth after being discarded and cheated on. Some
people will turn to God and completely repent, but unfortunately, they don’t
account for the majority of Muslims. It is for this reason we see a lot of
Muslim women who now have casual and long-term relationships with both
Muslim and non-Muslim men. Those who are more attached to their
religious or cultural values only have Muslim boyfriends, to make life
easier (if they one day decide to marry), while those who aren’t will happily
be with non-Muslim men too. Allowing the ego and desires to get the better
of us causes the nafs to lose more of its sense of guilt, shame and remorse
and fall further down towards al nafs al ammarah that normalises all sins.
As mentioned previously, as long as someone feels guilt for committing a
sin, they will possess al nafs al lawwamah, but some feel more guilty than
others, which is why each category of nafs has different levels within it. Not
all co-dependent Muslim women are like others or will behave the same
way, it all depends on their level of co-dependence and faith, which
influences the status and positioning of their nafs. Low-level co-dependents
(whose positioning of al nafs al-lawwamah is on the closer end of the scale
to al nafs al mutumainnah) are practicing Muslim believers who will hold
onto their principles and avoid the major sins, but they will display their
compliance in other ways, such as compromising more than they should on
their personal deal breakers, just to get married and have children before
they get “too old”. For example, they may accept to be a second wife or live
with their in-laws after marriage, which is something they wouldn’t prefer,
but feel they have to accept because they’re worried a better option won’t
come along. The difference between low-level co-dependents and people
who possess even the lowest level of al nafs al mutumainnah, is the level of
faith they have, which is reflected in their mental health (the amount of
worry, fear, doubts and anxiety they feel in their lives). People who possess
the lowest level of al nafs al mutumainnah have enough faith in God to
enable them to not compromise on their important principles and deal
breakers, because they believe that had God wanted them to marry and have
children by then, He would have made it happen and so they don’t worry
about getting “too old”. Middle-level Muslim co-dependents will
compromise on more problematic things, such as accepting Muslims who
don’t pray regularly and it’s usually because they hope and believe that they
will be able to ‘fix’ and change them one day with their love and care, to be
the partners they need them to be. High-level co-dependents, however, will
accept more problematic people who commit the minor and major sins
regularly (and openly), are emotionally unavailable and aren’t practicing
Muslims (or Muslims at all). You may ask why they would want to be with
them? Well, if a co-dependent woman wants a wealthy man, or a man who
makes her feel needed, she may accept all these issues to be with him,
because he provides the lifestyle, social approval and validation she needs
and wants to feel good about herself. Usually these women, because they
possess such a low amount of self-love, don’t mind being with men who are
emotionally unavailable, as they don’t know what healthy love is or feels
like.
If a Muslim man who isn’t a narcissist, but openly displays a few traits of
narcissism that make him look like a playboy, takes up the offer of free sex
from a Muslim woman and doesn’t follow through with a commitment to
her, then he’ll be presented to others as a narcissist and the co-dependent
here becomes a self-proclaimed victim. In this situation, despite her being
the one to make the efforts to seduce and commit zina with him, she (and
other women looking at the situation) believes that he’s the criminal who’s
taken advantage of her without giving her what she wanted in return. Unlike
narcissistic women, co-dependents are less likely to engage in unlawful sex
just for the fun of it. They usually want a relationship, acceptance and
heavy validation in return. It is very common for co-dependents to be
fooled by other men who display narcissistic behaviour. These men are
usually co-dependents too and/or are up and down in their faith and mental
health all the time. The narcissistic traits that they release in public for
temporary enjoyment and ego boosts are usually reeled back in when they
regret their actions and go through a phase of “returning to the deen” and
fixing their behaviour. They don’t and can’t behave like narcissists every
day, as it isn’t in their nature to do so, nor do they have the disorder.
However, it’s not easy for these men to make changes for the long-term,
which is why they will jump in and out of their “deen phases” regularly.
They will have days when they’re being good and on-track and days when
they’re being influenced and encouraged by bad friends to turn to sins as a
‘quick fix’ to feel better about a break up or losing a job etc. Many people
will drink alcohol, take drugs and engage in casual sex with multiple people
to distract them from the pain they’re feeling. Some people can only deal
with their grief, heartbreaks and anger this way, which makes it dangerous
for the emotional and psychological health of not only themselves but those
who are engaging with them in sins. Women who have been made to
believe that these men have good intentions towards them are later left
broken hearted when they’re ‘ghosted’ or discarded by them because
they’re no longer needed to make them feel better or wanted because
they’ve repented.
By physically engaging in intimacy with people who aren’t your
husbands or wives, you’re at great risk of being used by people to: get over
someone else, take revenge on someone else, feel better about themselves,
cheat on a spouse, boost their ego, fulfil a mission or challenge, corrupt you
and get you to sin with them, distract them from thinking about a difficult
situation, entertain them and get you hooked on them for fun. Allowing
others to bring their sins and toxic energy into your body and private space
disrupts (if not destroys) your spiritual state, distresses your soul, violates
God’s rights and weakens your connection with Him. Most people don’t
truly know the intentions behind people wanting to be intimate with them
until the deed is done and the victims are left discarded and depleted of self-
confidence, self-worth and self-love. This used to be something we would
hear only non-Muslims do, but recently, more and more Muslims are
behaving in the same way with vulnerable Muslims who are roped into
sinning with them. This toxic behaviour is common among narcissists who
use marriage and dating apps and involves them pretending to be really
interested in someone, expressing a desire to have a relationship with them,
using them for sex and then totally disappearing, ruining many lives in the
process. Many women (and men too) have been discarded, ghosted, ignored
and blocked by people who weren’t impressed by them, which has crippled
the way they see and value themselves. Being blocked and discarded can
also be very traumatic for people, because humans have the ability to
become very emotionally attached to a stranger after being physically
intimate with them. This is due to the hormone ‘oxytocin’ that’s released in
large quantities during sex, breastfeeding and childbirth. It is referred to as
the ‘love-hormone’, as it strengthens our bond with the other person. This is
experienced by women in particular, as they’re more emotional in nature
and have the ability to bond with others on a deeper level than men. God
has saved the intimate and sexual relationship for a husband and wife only,
because marriage is meant to be a stable and secure union that isn’t easily
abandoned. It is also why many people I know who had an arranged
marriage believe that love can come after marriage, as they experienced
falling in love with their spouse when they engaged in a sexual relationship
and felt that emotional and physical bond. In The Qur’an, God promises to
put ‘mawaddah’, a special kind of (affectionate) love, between a husband
and wife that can only be experienced via a lawful sexual relationship. This
type of love is filled with blessings, whereas intimacy outside marriage is
void of them.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you
may find tranquillity in them; And He placed between you love and mercy.
Indeed, in that are signs for a people who give thought.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Rum: 21)
When people engage in these relationships before marriage, they set
themselves up for a very painful heartbreak when they’re abandoned, used
or ‘played’. The Islamic ruling on sex outside marriage has been put in
place for the protection of women’s rights, hearts (both physical and
spiritual), emotions and health. It’s also been put in place to prevent all the
terrible consequences that come as a result of zina that includes the
spreading of diseases, the destruction of families and societies. God wants
men to honour women and respect His creation by following correct
marriage procedures to enjoy an intimate relationship with them the healthy
way. However, when women allow men to treat them carelessly, they will
surely develop a variety of soul-damaging mental health issues over time,
as they haven’t honoured themselves and the protective laws God gave
them to live a dignified life. The more women are used by men for their
sexual pleasure, the less we will see them do what’s right and make the
required efforts to get married. When a man can get access to free sex, it
doesn’t motivate him to do right by himself and others and this is something
even women in non-Muslim communities are realising. I often see them
complaining in Instagram videos and forums about how difficult it is to find
a man who wants to commit to them, settle down and have a family. The
reality is, the majority won’t, because dating apps, Snap Chat, Tik Tok and
Instagram have given men far too many options of beautiful women they
can have (and who are offering free sex too) to even think about committing
to someone while they’re still young. Many of the same women who are
complaining have themselves engaged in casual sexual relationships with
men and have thus contributed to the problem. Those who haven’t engaged
in them strongly feel that sexually active women (who provide men with
easy access to sex) have ruined their chances of finding decent men. Before
they know it, these promiscuous men and women are in their forties and
fifties and are drained emotionally and sexually or no longer have the will
or desire to be in a relationship, especially if they’ve been through a string
of terrible experiences with the opposite sex. People in the minority group
of this age category will have the desire to start a family and commit to
someone, but even then, they won’t risk marrying someone they’re unable
to sleep with first, unless they learned from their experiences that it won’t
make much of a difference to them. Men are also victims of women who
deceive and use them for sex, however, it’s rare that men will suffer from
this, if they aren’t emotionally attached to those women. However, if the
men are somewhat religious, the sin itself will affect their level of faith and
the feeling of guilt can be overwhelming for them. I once counselled a co-
dependent man who was traumatized by his ordeal with a woman who
pressurized him to sleep with her. After the experience, he was ignored and
discarded by her and was devastated. He was a Muslim man who remained
chaste all his life and ended up losing his virginity to a narcissist. He was
unable to regain his self-esteem or forgive himself for a long time after that,
as he felt that he had deeply disappointed himself and God. He no longer
wanted to get married too, due to his fear of being discarded again after
being intimate with someone he loves and cares about.
The secular feminist society we currently live in doesn’t support or
encourage celibacy and it requires extra efforts on behalf of individuals
(jihad al nafs) to avoid unlawful relationships. However, this is becoming
more and more difficult among young Muslims who aren’t able to afford
getting married or who haven’t found the right people to marry. Everyday
Muslims, including unsupervised children, are being exposed to
entertainment platforms, such as Netflix that regularly release problematic
drama series that include a lot of nudity, pornographic content,
homosexuality and the sexual objectification of women to desensitise
people and encourage them to participate in today’s ‘hook-up culture’.
Drama series about Muslims experimenting with sex and removing the
hijab are also brainwashing and confusing young Muslims and creating
conflicts between their desires, identities and faith. Social media’s
overemphasis and promotion of the ideal male and female body, physical
beauty standards among celebrities and models (and the pressure to get
expensive plastic surgery and treatments to look like them), the importance
of great sex and the need to experiment sexually in various ways (and also
with the same gender) has given many people depression and made them
feel very insecure about themselves. People are bombarded everyday with
photos and videos that are heavily filtered and photoshopped to make them
feel unattractive. The high standards of sexual performance seen in
pornography and modern music videos are also adding pressure to people
and have caused a lot of Muslims to openly or secretly worry about their
sexual expectations, especially if they’ve been celibate and waited a long
time for marriage. Men in particular worry about marrying women who
won’t or can’t be like those performing in videos.
Due to all these issues, the need to ensure that there’s sexual
compatibility before marriage has become the new dilemma many Muslims
are facing, as Islamic values become more diluted in our societies. More
Muslim men and women are being “tested” for their sexual performance
and this is usually done in a very manipulative manner by narcissists and
those who display some of their traits. Many Muslims have either been
brainwashed to believe that marital happiness lies in the sexual performance
of their spouse or feel the need to engage in zina before marrying someone
new, because they had various sex-related issues in a previous marriage and
don’t want to experience a repeat of them. The issues are normally related
to physical appearance, performance, an illness, hygiene or chemistry.
Those who are God-fearing will talk about their needs and concerns to their
partner. If all goes well, they will take the risk and hope for the best, if they
believe their partners are good people whom they love and desire, whereas
those who are weak in faith will make indirect hints or openly pressurize
someone to sleep with them before they’re considered for marriage. When
zina is justified with various excuses, such as they “fear” they won’t be
happy sexually, middle to high-level co-dependent women will set out to
seek the approval and validation of the people they’re interested in, by
going above and beyond, within the first few dates, to show that they will
be “good enough” for them as marriage partners. Most of the time, the
narcissists will just get a good time out of it, disappear and move onto
another infatuated co-dependent who will be eager to do the same for them.
As mentioned earlier, this rejection can cause a co-dependent woman to fall
into depression and develop an obsession with proving her sexual worth to
other men in order to be validated and feel desirable.
If the narcissist does validate the co-dependent, pursue her and marry her,
he won’t stay loyal to her, so it’s a lose-lose situation, whether he commits
or not. Women should never believe that men who engage in zina with them
will ever truly stay loyal to them, even if they got the stamp of ‘approval’
from men for their sexual performance. These men will simply just keep
them around and use them to fulfil their needs whenever it suits them and
unfortunately many women accept to be treated this way, because the men
are handsome, fun and incredibly charming. Even non-Muslim celebrities,
such as Cardi B, Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé, Rihanna and Nikki Minaj, who
are famous for their high sex appeal, beauty and promiscuous behaviour,
got repeatedly cheated on by their husbands and boyfriends, which was
shocking news for their female fans who were left very confused about the
nature of men and what they truly want from women. The only men (and
women) who will stay loyal to their partners are those who are God-fearing
and refuse to engage in zina in the first place. Also, if someone truly loves
you and wants what’s best for your life and The Hereafter, then he will
make a relationship halal before it becomes haram and you become
accountable for the sins. Muslims who don’t truly believe or are indifferent
to the fact that death can come at any moment don’t care about committing
major sins, as there’s no sense of urgency or danger to make them stop. If
they possess al nafs al ammarah, then they won’t find anything wrong with
their sins and it will be in their nature to always chase their desires,
regardless of how great their partners are in satisfying their needs. This
therefore becomes an endless cycle for both the narcissists, who are
enjoying being entertained by the co-dependents who are chasing them and
going above and beyond to impress them and the co-dependents who are on
the constant search for approval. After going through this cycle with many
people, a narcissist will usually go back to the person he or she felt was “the
best” (this can be weeks, months or years later) and use them as their
permanent source of supply. If the co-dependent is upset with them because
they ‘disappeared’ then the narcissist will love-bomb them and if that
doesn’t work, they make them an offer they can’t refuse, such as a marriage
proposal. To most narcissist’s, marriage has no meaning, as it won’t stop
them from cheating on their partners or doing what they want, but to co-
dependents a marriage proposal is perceived as an act of true love. If
narcissists have to marry someone to get their permanent source of grade A
supply they’ll do it, but they’ll only marry someone who they can
completely manipulate and control.
Testing for sexual compatibility is a secular western concept that gives no
guarantee for success in the long-term, as everyone will make the effort to
put on their best performance before marriage to ‘secure the deal’. In pre-
Islamic Arabia, men would sleep with women to check if they can get
pregnant before taking them as wives, because having many children was
important for them. Islam came to abolish this practice to protect the dignity
and rights of women. Let’s take cars as an example here to clearly illustrate
how the situation appears socially. If a man goes to a Rolls Royce
showroom and wants to buy a car, but wants to test drive it first, he has to
go through a series of checks, insurance and paperwork before he can take
it out alone. He has to be qualified for it and also prove that he’s able to
afford it and has the intention to buy it (to not waste their time). In most
cases, this type of customer is already committed to buying the car because
he’s done his research already and knows that driving a Rolls Royce is
going to be a wonderful experience. You can compare the Rolls Royce here
to a beautifully presented, high-value and pious woman. After getting to
know her, a man will learn that she has a lot to offer and would be a great
partner. Sexual compatibility becomes the least of his worries if there’s
chemistry and he’s attracted to her beauty. However, if he goes to a Fiat
showroom or to a used car garage, the checks won’t be as rigorous and it
will be easy for him to test drive any car he likes, so he will surely test a
few. Therefore, the more value Muslim women give themselves for their
qualities, the more men will know that they need to meet certain
requirements and follow correct and honourable procedures to have them. If
material things, such as high-value cars require high level checks, then
always remember that the value of a human being, the creation of God, is
far more precious and isn’t an object to be used unlawfully. Just because a
sexual relationship “passed the test” before marriage, doesn’t mean that the
relationship will be a happy one. Many Muslim marriages that started with
zina ended in messy divorces, because there was no barakah (blessings) in
them. Some of them ended because the women experienced domestic
violence at the hands of the men they loved who repeatedly abused and
cheated on them throughout the marriage. We also often hear how
thousands of non-Muslim couples go for counselling or have affairs and
split up because the sexual relationship went from being ‘great’ before
marriage to ‘boring’ or ‘non-existent’ afterwards. Sex therapists are always
fully booked by non-Muslim couples who are experiencing issues with
intimacy. Relationships that are based on sexual gratification will
eventually fizzle out, because sexual desires are attached to people’s egos,
emotions and mental health that regularly change. Satan rewards people for
the sin of zina before marriage with sexual excitement and pleasure, only to
abandon them after marriage (because they made the relationship lawful).
The sexual relationship between a couple is meant to be the glue that bonds
them together, rather than the foundation of the relationship, as there should
be other lasting reasons that keep them together, such as their good
character, values and religious compatibility.
Co-dependent women who have been with men (not narcissists) who
claim that they love them and have fallen into zina with them, but choose
not to take any action to rectify the situation and get married, do so for
different reasons. As mentioned earlier, people who aren’t narcissists are
less likely to deliberately engage in zina just for the fun of it and to hurt
people. They usually fall into this sin, because, like all humans they desire
intimacy and to experience a romantic relationship. Muslims of this
generation are now more likely to have boyfriends and girlfriends and date
as non-Muslims do, because they want more freedom to experience love
and choosing their own marriage partners. However, the danger of being in
love with someone and spending a lot of time with them alone before
marriage is that it can lead towards premarital sex. Jabir Ibn Abdullah (ra)
“Whoever has faith in Allah and The Last Day, let him not be alone with an
unrelated woman without her guardian. Verily, the third one among them is
Satan.”
(Musnad Aḥmad, 14241)
God doesn’t punish anyone for being in love, but the major sins that
come as a result of that love will be accountable for. Therefore, many
people who aren’t narcissists will often engage in zina, as a result of being
infatuated and sexually attracted to their partner, weak faith or lack of self-
control. This raw and honest information has been obtained from the
Muslim men I spoke to over the last few years during my study:
1. Both families aren’t yet involved and he doesn’t feel the need to
rush and commit anytime soon.
2. He may still be unsure about her, or has his own issues that prevent
him from committing and getting married. These could be health
issues, mental health issues, financial issues and self-esteem issues.
3. He changed his mind and lost all respect for her after she slept with
him before marriage (most men won’t admit this to not look
judgemental, anti-feminist and backward, but it happens a lot).
4. He didn’t enjoy the sexual experience with her or got put off by
something (for example, bad hygiene or how her body looks).
5. He enjoyed the sexual experience but feels uncomfortable and wants
to explore better ‘wife-material’ options before deciding to commit
to someone he sinned with.
6. He lost trust in her, sees her as ‘too easy’ and starts to become
paranoid about who else she might have slept with, how many
people she’s slept with and/or if she may sleep with others in the
future.
7. He feels ashamed, disgusted and guilty after the act (he blames her
for seducing him and encouraging him to sin) and no longer wants
anything to do with her.
8. He panics and fears for his reputation (i.e., if he’s a practicing
Muslim or high-level professional known in his community) and
disappears.
9. He’s shocked that she behaved in such a way, especially if she wears
full hijab and comes across as someone religious and pious. He
becomes disturbed by this and doesn’t want her anymore.
10. He’s already married (on the hunt for a second wife) and his wife
found out, after which he disappears.
It is important that women know the reasons why men abandon them, so
that they understand why it’s crucial to avoid zina with all men, regardless
of whether they love them or not and if they’re sinning with “good
intentions” to reassure them that they’ll be happy sexually after marriage.
No one and I mean no one’s pleasure should ever be placed above the
pleasure of God, as doing so will make us fall into shirk. No one loves us
more than God loves us and it’s essential that we learn to embrace the laws
God gave us to follow, so that people can respect us. Islam stipulates the
presence of a wali (male guardian) when a woman is considering a man for
marriage, for when a wali is involved, it helps to prevent them from
entering an unlawful relationship and facing the consequences of it, i.e.,
heartbreak, feeling of unworthiness, humiliation and depression.
“Do not go near fornication. It is truly a shameful act and an evil way to
follow.”
Another reason God forbids men and women from having sexual
relationships with strangers is to avoid the emotional and psychological
suffering people go through. While many may find casual sex liberating, the
consequences eventually catch up with them. Some of these consequences
lie in the distress of comparing the men and women they’ve had sexual
relations with, with their spouse who has gained weight, recently had a
child, is unwell or is ‘boring’. When people have others to compare their
spouses to sexually, all their issues with them become so much worse and it
can lead to them cheating on their partners with an ex or someone new,
because they’re experienced enough to know they’re “missing out”. It
becomes very difficult for them to be content with their partners, when they
had relationships with other people who each excelled in different skills.
Not only is this unfair and distressing to their partners, but a clear reason as
to why engaging in zina before marriage will give us more mental health
problems and unhappiness. Everyone comes with their own sexual skills
and performances and if it was in their hands (the narcissists) they would
collect all the best skills from everyone they slept with and find one person
who has the ability to provide them all. Many men in particular spend years
unmarried, as they waste their time and youth looking for the perfect sexual
partners and if they do eventually find them, they’re usually people they
wouldn’t marry anyway, because of their undesirable personalities, or
they’re people who don’t want to marry the narcissists. Their obsessive
search for perfection has ruined many of their lives and deprived them from
the beauty of love, marriage, family and intimacy. As the saying goes,
“What you don’t know, won’t hurt” and people would be far more content
and happier, if they protected themselves and gave themselves the peace of
mind by not knowing that they have had “better”. Other consequences are
contracting STDs and dealing with failed sexual relationships in which deep
emotions were involved. One of the worst things that some people
experience after marriage is finding out their spouse is still in love with
someone with whom they had a long and unlawful sexual relationship with.
Some Muslim women have also found themselves to be pregnant after
engaging in one-night-stands and not know who the fathers are or been
forced to have abortions after getting pregnant by boyfriends. Having an
abortion is a very distressing experience, which causes emotional, physical
and psychological problems, including nightmares from the guilt. Countless
Muslim babies who were born out of wedlock have been left outside
hospitals, mosques and orphanages and given up for adoption (many of
them going to non-Muslim homes), because their families would be shamed
or subject the women to severe punishments if they kept them. Therefore, if
a woman marries a good man after going through any of these experiences,
he may (unknowingly) be faced with the brunt of her serious mental health
issues. Mental health issues that stem from unlawful relationships catch up
with everyone eventually, especially when they know deep down that
they’re doing wrong. For many years, thousands of Muslim women have
had to resort to hymenoplasty, a medical and cosmetic restoration procedure
that repairs the hymen, so that they appear as virgins again before marrying
someone who’s conservative. Some women do this out of fear that they’ll
be shamed for not being virgins, while others do it (after they’ve had all
their fun) to deceive men into believing they’re chaste. Recently though,
I’ve noticed that more and more Muslim women don’t care if men find out
they’re not virgins and it’s accepted by many men too. Therefore,
hymenoplasty procedures may become a thing of the past very soon if
women see that not being a virgin is no longer an issue for Muslim men
who have lost their religious values and normalised zina. Not only will this
encourage more Muslim women to engage in unlawful relationships, it will
also become the norm for the next generation of Muslims, who will be
raised to believe that zina is acceptable.
Due to these reasons and the negative effects and traumas that zina can
have on their chase partners, God has forbidden those who engage in zina to
marry those who don’t, because they deserve pious people like themselves.
The status of a (Muslim) fornicator in Islam is so low that God only permits
them to marry other fornicators and polytheists (those who worship idols
and associate partners with God) who are placed in the same level as them.
This emphasizes how serious and detested this major sin is by God, because
of all its terrible consequences.
“The fornicator shall marry none except a female fornicator or a female
polytheist and the female fornicator, none shall marry her except a male
fornicator or male polytheist; and that is prohibited for the believers.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Nur: 3)
This verse communicates to chaste people that they shouldn’t lower the
high standards that God has set for them and accept people who they know
have engaged in zina. A Muslim who’s been married and divorced or
widowed is considered to be among the chaste, because even though they
experienced a sexual relationship, they did it in a way that was pleasing to
God. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) himself married widowed and
divorced women. However, chaste people need to avoid Muslims who they
know or have heard that they’ve been married and divorced a number of
times in a questionable manner. Muslim women need to be aware that there
are men out there who don’t follow the correct marriage procedures and
marry multiple women with a verbal Nikah contract (sometimes with no
imam or witnesses present) and a low dowry amount, without the
knowledge of both families, to halalify short-term ‘hook-ups’. Friends or
‘shady imams’ are usually the ones to conduct the verbal Nikah contracts
for their fellow narcissist brothers in places, such as university carparks.
These ‘marriages’ are conducted for the purpose of fulfilling sexual needs
only and usually take place during college and university years when sexual
desires are at their peak. Narcissists convince the more religiously-inclined
co-dependent women who have little knowledge about their Islamic rights
that it’s an ‘Islamic way’ of being able to have sexual relationships (and test
for sexual compatibility) without feeling guilty. They’re told that they can
have their ‘fun’ and an easier exit from the marriage when they want,
because no one knows about it. The fact of the matter is that it’s actually
these narcissistic men who are quick to divorce and discard the women who
accepted to marry them this way when they’re no longer needed, wanted or
once the women become “irritating” and start asking for their marital rights.
Some will even blackmail, control and instil fear into the women they
‘marry’ by threatening to tell people about it, if they don’t comply with
what they want. These men know that the women won’t have anyone to
complain to, even the police, because their families would be livid to learn
that they’ve married this way. When women put themselves in a secret
situation, they’re at great risk of being oppressed and blackmailed by
immoral men. While the practice of secret marriages is more encouraged by
men, there are women who initiate this too and I’ve counselled some who
have been secretly married over seven times. I can tell you that all of them
aren’t mentally stable because of how these experiences have made them
feel about themselves. Once the fun is over, they’re left with their thoughts
and the feeling of being ‘cheap’, but because of their low self-worth they
continue engaging with these types of Muslim men until it becomes an
addiction for them.
These relationships are commonly known as mut’ah marriage (more
prevalent among Shia Muslims) or misyar marriage (more prevalent among
Sunni Muslims), with most of them being kept a secret. The word ‘mut’ah’
in Arabic means ‘enjoyment’ and so the Nikah contract between a man and
woman is for sexual reasons only. It is also known as ‘orfy’ marriage in
countries like Egypt. In this marriage, the woman agrees to give up all her
marital rights, except the dowry and only an “imam” is present with the
couple at the time of the marriage. The word ‘misyar’ in Arabic refers to a
type of marriage that involves the couple living separately but coming
together for sexual relations. In this marriage the woman’s family may be
informed, especially if she will remain living with them and women may
ask to receive some of their rights, such as a dowry and being provided for
financially, but give up others, such as a shared marital home, for the
purpose of having companionship and intimacy, whenever it’s convenient
for the men. This tends to be more common among independent business
women, women who are carers for their elderly parents and single mothers
in their thirties and forties who are second, third and fourth wives.
Islamically, women are able to give up their rights, out of their own free
will, but it’s not recommended to do so. For example, a woman may
propose marriage to a man who’s financially unable to get married and offer
to waive her financial rights, if she’s financially stable, for the sake of not
delaying marriage to him. Most men would rush to accept this offer, as they
perceive it as a golden opportunity for ‘free halal sex’ without any strings
attached or responsibilities. However, they find later on after marriage that
it comes with more stress than it was worth when the women change their
minds and request their rights or become jealous of any co-wives who are
being provided for and have more of their time. It is never a good idea to
belittle and give up the rights that God gave us, for the sake of fulfilling a
desire. God has given them to us according to what He knows we need and
by giving them up we only oppress ourselves. Therefore, women shouldn’t
compromise on the marital rights they’re due from men and men shouldn’t
accept marriage offers or propose marriage to women unless they’re able to
fulfil all their marital responsibilities, regardless of how tempting or
convenient the offers may be. It is in a woman’s nature to disrespect a man
who’s unable to provide for her financially and look after her, even if she’s
financially able to look after herself and so it’s in a man’s best interests that
he’s mentally and financially ready to get married.
In regards to polygamy, a man must be able to afford having up to four
wives, if that’s what he desires, because he’s expected to provide for them
all equally. Most narcissists, however, will exploit women and take
advantage of convenient situations and opportunities to have ‘halal
mistresses’ in secret, especially if they’re already married (in a proper way)
and have a family. They will also make it clear from the beginning that they
don’t want children and will often force the women to abort a baby if they
get pregnant. If the women keep the baby, then it’s likely they will be
divorced and abandoned by them, because they don’t want to risk losing
their grade A source of supply (first wife) and family if they found out.
Other narcissists will force their first wives to accept them having a second
wife, whether before they marry again or afterwards, by using
misinterpreted information about their Islamic rights to justify it. The
consequences of marrying such men are reflected in the very high (and
growing) number of single Muslim mothers in our societies.
Most Muslim scholars have claimed that secret marriages are invalid,
because they don’t fulfil all the conditions of the Nikah contract, which are:
1. The presence and permission of a woman’s wali (male guardian,

usually her father or brother), must be given, if she hasn’t been
married before. If she’s a widower or divorcee her male guardian
doesn’t need to give his permission or be present, but it’s better for
her if he is.
2. At least two witnesses must be present.
3. Both the man and woman need to agree to the marriage (i.e., they
aren’t forced or being pressurised to marry each other).
4. A public marriage announcement in the form of a walimah
(wedding) party.
5. The bridal dowry.
Unfortunately, secret marriages that don’t follow these conditions fall

under zina. God is aware of all the issues that come with those who marry
(or prefer to marry) in an incorrect manner and/or commit clear zina and
has told chaste Muslims to avoid them and these types of marriages. Naqil
Ibn Yasar (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better for
him than that he should touch a woman who is not permissible for him.”
(Al-Mujam Al-Kabir, Vol. 20: 486)
Islamically it’s not accepted for someone to deceive a good and chaste
person about their past and while they’re under no obligation to expose
their sins, they shouldn’t approach people whom they know are chaste for
marriage unless they’ve sincerely repented and know that their sins and
exes won’t come back to bother or haunt them. Muslims shouldn’t expose
to people the sins that God has hidden for them, in order to protect and
preserve their sense of shame and guilt when doing something wrong. If all
people expose their sins regularly and talk about what they did, they’ll
realise that a lot of others are doing the same and so the sins will start to
become normalised, as they are today. There’s also a chance that people will
encourage others to sin in the same way if they talk about what they did in a
positive and appealing manner, such as having a secret marriage. Abu
“Everyone from my nation will be forgiven except those who sin in public.
Among them is a man who commits an evil deed in the night that Allah has
hidden for him, then in the morning he says: ‘O people, I have committed
this sin!’ His Lord had hidden it during the night but in the morning, he
reveals what Allah has hidden.”
Aside from the co-dependents who seek sexual validation, there are other
co-dependents who believe that their worth lies in their intelligence, wealth,
education, beauty, excessive kindness, family status, career, religiosity and
talents and will use them excessively to impress those they’re interested in.
For example, if it’s beauty, they will fill up someone’s phone with selfies
and if it’s their career, then they will always talk about their achievements.
If they’re religious then they will send lots of Islamic information, quotes
and posts and if it’s kindness, then they will overwhelm others with their
willingness to compromise, favours and offers of help. Narcissists will
quickly pick up on what gives them their sense of worth and will work to
destroy it by not validating it later in the relationship. Therefore, the safest
and healthiest element of our self-worth that needs to be shown to people
first, is the element of self-respect and having boundaries. When we put our
self-respect on the front line to fight our battles, we need to make sure that
it’s strong and protects all the wonderful traits we possess, so that people
can’t destroy them. When we don’t have self-respect as their defender, then
abusers are able to seize our good traits and destroy them. It is possible that
people can lose their beauty, wealth and even career, but self-respect and
dignity will forever remain if you protect and maintain them. It is known
that narcissists won’t waste their time and effort on people who have a
strong sense of dignity and boundaries that are difficult to break.
Due to the very jealous nature of narcissists (which usually stems from
all the sexual relationships they themselves have been in) and their
disguised misogyny, they look for co-dependents who are chaste, don’t have
much of a past and have weak boundaries. As they have very fragile egos
they fear and hate to be compared to other people and so they look for those
with whom their ego and self-esteem won’t be compromised. They don’t
care if they aren’t deserving of chaste partners, all that matters to them is
getting what and who they want. Muslims who are celibate are often a
prime catch for narcissists, the cream of the crop, because not only are they
considered to be “pure”, but they can be corrupted too, if they allow
narcissists into their lives. As mentioned earlier, narcissists have a
subconscious satanic mission to corrupt and ruin the faith and religiosity of
believing Muslims. They don’t always need to present themselves as being
very religious to enter the lives of good Muslims, because their magical
charm can work wonders.
The overtly ‘religious’ Muslim narcissists, on the other hand, are known
to have problematic and disturbing pasts (many involving turbulent and
unlawful relationships, including invalid marriages). Those who don’t have
these problematic pasts will most certainly have had a traumatic and
difficult childhood and upbringing. These men tend to be overly-jealous and
will ‘hide’ their wives and even ban them from posting (decent) photos of
themselves on social media, even when their accounts are private and don’t
have any male followers who aren’t family members. They claim that this
type of gheerah (jealousy) is honourable for a Muslim man and is taken
from Islamic moral teachings, because The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said
that men who don’t have (healthy) jealousy over their wives are ‘dayooths’
(men who approve of immoral behaviour (including being dressed
inappropriately in public) from their wives). Narcissists use the excuse that
they don’t want to be ‘dayooths’ in order to exercise full control over
everything their wives do (even when it’s permissible Islamically) that may
hurt their fragile egos. So, while they’re chipping away at the self-esteem of
their wives and destroying their confidence, they don’t want other people,
men or women, to lift them up by complimenting them on their photos,
beauty and achievements. Some men will stop their wives from working,
even as doctors, using the excuse that there are men working with them,
when in reality they’re just intimidated by the independence of their women
who are admired by everyone for the work they do. They also assume that
all other men perceive their women in the problematic way they themselves
perceive women and it makes them feel uncomfortable. So, by taking away
what makes them feel insecure, they’re able to reclaim their power and
unfortunately this is all done in the name of Islam. They exercise the
extreme meaning of jealousy that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) wouldn’t
have approved of, because if this behaviour is meant to be Islamic, then
many people would have left Islam. Islam, above everything else, is
founded on good and kind manners and showing aggressiveness towards
someone, who isn’t an enemy to you on the battlefield, is wrong and
violates God’s laws of moral conduct. God commanded The Prophet (pbuh)
to be kind and gentle to the disbelievers, to give a good impression about
the beauty of Islam to them (dawah) and so if this is how he was taught to
treat his enemies, then our spouses, parents and family members must be
treated in an even better manner and in the most loving way possible when
being advised.
“So, by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them [the
disbelievers]. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they
would have dispersed from around you [repelled]. So, pardon them and ask
forgiveness for them and consult them in the affairs [of that moment].”
A lot of Muslim men don’t understand that we no longer live in seventh
century Arabia where women didn’t leave their homes to work or study,
because the culture was completely different then. As long as women
uphold Islamic morals and values, there are no issues with them (married or
not) working and studying with men, because the world and culture we live
in have changed. If a man wants a wife who will remain hidden from public
life, he needs to be upfront and inform her of this before marriage, instead
of forcing it upon her afterwards. However, covert narcissists know that if
they’re honest about what they want and expect from the beginning, most
women will run for the hills and so women must use their intelligence and
analyse someone’s character properly, preferably with the help of a male
relative. Overt ‘religious’ Muslim narcissists, who aren’t hiding their
narcissism, will always be honest and say it how it is, so if women accept to
be controlled by them and their problematic understanding of Islam, then it
will be from their own free will and with full awareness of what they’re
getting themselves into. High-level co-dependents are those who will accept
to be with overt narcissists, as they don’t mind being entirely ruled by them.
Much of their self-perceived worth lies in their ability to obey and serve
men, even if their marriages end up resembling ‘slave-master’ relationships,
because they were raised and educated to believe that the best women are
blindly obedient and will be highly rewarded by God for it. Their inability
to believe that they deserve to be loved, honoured, treated gently, kindly
and equally hinders their progress to advance as Muslim women, when
they’re later left to feel worthless by their husbands who force everything
upon them using God’s name and with a ‘foot-on-throat’ attitude. Some
women are able to tolerate their husbands having full control over them if
they’re kind, generous and fair, which is fine, if it works for them, but those
who accept to marry the overt narcissists because they appear to be ‘very
masculine and “on the deen” are usually destroyed spiritually, emotionally
and mentally during the marriage. These women are also usually forced to
tolerate their husbands marrying multiple women, in the name of Islam,
even when they don’t have the financial means to practice polygamy
properly.
I’d like to provide some beneficial advice here, which covers the Islamic
viewpoint on it as well. As we can’t live with someone before marriage, it’s
important to disclose any issues that could be a problem for a future
husband or wife, especially if it can affect intimacy later on. It may be any
mental health disorders you’re aware of or have been diagnosed with,
criminal records, large amounts of debt, psychological issues regarding sex
(common with rape victims), physical body issues (such as scarring),
hygiene issues, medical issues, physical health issues and menstrual cycles
that last over seven days. It is always best and recommended that you speak
to people who can help you solve these problems by directing you to
suitable clinics, therapists and counsellors before you decide to pursue
someone for marriage. This will help to greatly reduce any chances of hurt,
divorce and rejection later on.
The majority of issues we face when it comes to marriage are a result of
either being deceived or settling for less than we deserve. Many people are
compromising on deal breakers and marrying people who are still suffering
and haven’t healed from their childhood and adulthood traumas. It is
important to be realistic and acknowledge that the majority of people,
including ourselves, will have some unhealed wounds and so we need to
assess how many wounds people have and how deep they are, before we
decide to marry them. A big mistake some people make is wanting to be
someone’s ‘hero’ and taking on the job of being the ‘wound healer’, either
because they feel sorry for them, love them, the chemistry with them is very
strong or because they’re very attractive. Anyone who has major mental
health problems, a personality disorder or life-changing problems can’t hide
them and the signs will appear early on when you’re getting to know them.
Some people will leave at the first sign of them, while others stay and
tolerate various dramatic outbursts, erratic behaviour, wild mood swings,
anger and jealousy, extreme insecurity and other stressful issues that arise
from those unhealed wounds. If someone ignores the signs that indicate a
man or woman isn’t emotionally or mentally ready to enter a marriage, then
they’re setting themselves up for a difficult life. It is actually kinder for the
person who’s suffering from a mental health disorder to not enter a
relationship with them and marry them, because accepting to be with them
in their unhealthy state doesn’t encourage or motivate them to heal and
change. Broken people don’t need relationships and marriage to fix them,
they need therapy and counselling because when broken people are
accepted as marriage partners, they’ll always expect that you continue to
accept them the way they are. Saying that though, there are people who
have managed to heal from their mental, spiritual and emotional issues
when being in relationships with kind and supportive people, but this only
happens when the wounds aren’t large, when they make strong efforts to
change and when they don’t rely on others to be their saviours. Those who
marry people with very large and deep wounds and who are lazy with their
efforts to change, help and heal themselves, either end up divorcing (usually
a very stressful process) or become unhappy and feel ‘stuck’ in their
relationships for many years, because they’d feel too guilty and heartless to
leave them on their own. Many people will pin other issues, such as not
getting along with their in-laws, on their mental health too, making them
incredibly difficult to deal with in all aspects of life.
Narcissists don’t see any need to change their ways in relationships,
because they see first-hand that good people are willing to compromise on
their deal breakers and accept mental or emotional instability in people, for
the sake of being married or being with them. This is why we’re seeing a
huge increase in the number of men who aren’t living as practicing Muslims
and who aren’t making much effort to get married. They operate on a more
‘take it or leave it’ level and are now more likely to expect that people
accept their (undesirable) situation, instead of making the needed changes
to improve it. This is particularly relevant to single Muslim men and
women in their thirties and forties who are made to feel by other people that
they need to compromise more on their deal breakers, as they’re getting
older and their biological clocks are ticking. Also, it’s a fact of life that the
older we become, the more likely we are to meet people in our age bracket
who come with a lot of ‘baggage’. Kind-hearted empathic Muslims who
have been used and abused by narcissistic men and women often come out
of relationships feeling depleted and depressed. For example, a good
Muslim woman may meet a good Muslim man in his thirties who has been
drained physically, mentally, financially and emotionally by his narcissistic
ex-wife. He may have lost his home, some business assets, custody of his
children and a big chunk of personal finances during a stressful and lengthy
divorce procedure. Naturally, he won’t be in a rush to get married again,
may never want to marry again, may never trust women again, or will make
it clear that he won’t repeat the mistake of investing so much in a woman
and meeting her expectations, only for him to be left with nothing. I found
that many of these men were discarded by their narcissistic wives who
became so bored with them and either cheated on them and/or stopped all
sexual contact with them for months, because they lost all feelings of
attraction for them. Women in general, (narcissistic women in particular)
can’t stand to be intimate with men they don’t respect (because they have
little to no boundaries) and perceive as being incredibly weak. They feel
repulsed by men who have a weak personality, but will hang around if there
are other benefits. During this time, they will make sure they get everything
they need from the marriage, before leaving it permanently.
As a result, these broken men will be more likely to let go of high-value
women because they don’t have the energy to go out of their way to impress
and win them over. Many men who have been divorced by their women and
financially drained may only want to marry women who are working, have
stable careers and are independent, because they don’t want another wife
who’s completely dependent on them financially, even if it’s her Islamic
right. Other men may agree to fulfil their financial rights, but only on a very
basic level. Good Muslim men may also find that a woman in her thirties or
forties has been through traumatic abuse at the hands of an ex-husband, or
has been heartbroken by men in previous relationships, which has affected
her mental health significantly and made her difficult to deal with. It is truly
a shame that good Muslims who have had their faith, morals, mental health,
trust, life and happiness destroyed by narcissists are unable to be the great
partners they once were to those who actually deserve to be invested in. The
only way to solve this problem would be to teach empathic Muslims how to
resolve their issues, who to marry and who to avoid, so that they aren’t left
as broken people (again).
I also found that many Muslim men, who didn’t get married in their
twenties and thirties, lost a lot of money and years of good health,
emotions, sexual energy and youth to unlawful relationships with women.
By the time they decide to settle down and meet good Muslim women
whom they fall in love with and want to marry, they sadly have nothing or
very little to offer them, as they had wasted it all on those who had no
Islamic rights to it. Narcissistic Muslim men and women have become so
used to getting their emotional and sexual needs met that it isn’t even
exciting or a motivating factor anymore to get married. This is a great
dilemma for practicing Muslim women in particular (because they can only
marry Muslims), who feel that their option pool of marriage partners is
getting smaller every year.
Whatever the reason may be, many good people feel as though they’re
left to settle for the scraps people have left behind, with some feeling that
they have no choice but to make the most of the pieces they can gather
together to help someone “pass” as a suitable marriage partner. Those who
marry broken people with a backlog of unresolved issues experience
turbulent marriages, with many wishing they’d stayed single instead, like
other Muslims did for their own peace of mind. One of the reasons why
Islam encourages us to marry young is so that people can experience
genuine love, efforts and happiness, as they grow through life with their
partners.
All these examples and information about co-dependency may leave you
feeling down if you can relate to most or all of what you have read.
However, co-dependents must be compassionate with themselves and
understand that having this disorder isn’t their own fault. As children, they
were stuck in difficult situations and were too young to leave home, so they
found ways to cope and develop strategies to survive. Their co-dependent
traits served them well as children, but now as adults, the roots of co-
dependency can be seen more clearly. Therefore, just because your parents
were unable to meet your emotional, mental, spiritual and physical needs,
doesn’t mean they did it on purpose. Many parents were/are still ignorant of
the way they choose to raise their children and the impact it will have on
their mental health. It doesn’t mean you’re flawed, but now you no longer
need to live your life as a scared child who has to prove your worth by
pleasing others to ‘earn’ love. So, it’s time to see the situation for what it
really is and start a life-changing healing journey! I will present solutions
and suggestions for this later in the book. For now, we need to look at the
Islamic and cultural understanding of empaths and supernova empaths, so
that you can have a comprehensive understanding of all personality types.
12. An Understanding of Empaths from an
Islamic and Cultural Perspective
An empath is different from a co-dependent in many ways, however, they

can adopt each other’s traits. For example, co-dependents can display a lot
of empathy and some empaths can be borderline co-dependents. The
difference between them is that co-dependency is a disorder that affects
self-esteem and how someone views themselves (negatively), placing them
in the category of al nafs al lawwamah, whilst empathy is a spiritual trait
that makes someone highly caring, loving, kind, forgiving and
compassionate towards others. According to my study, an empath is
someone whose character possesses over 50% of empathic traits. A
mentally and spiritually healed empath possesses al nafs al mutumainnah.
Those who possess the highest level of al nafs al mutumainnah are
sincere believers, even when faced with the worst types of calamities, such
as war and extreme poverty. I saw a very powerful photograph recently of a
Palestinian man in Jerusalem who continued to offer his obligatory prayers
even while Israeli soldiers were shooting at those around him. It made me
realise that this is what the highest level of al nafs al mutumainnah looks
like in reality. It is the complete absence of fear and anxiety, as a result of
being so closely connected to God and truly believing that He doesn’t put a
person through more than he or she can bear. The stronger your trust in God
is, the higher your nafs is elevated to a special status. These people are the
most powerful of people because they don’t fear death or anything else and
their nafs isn’t attached to this dunya (the physical world we live in).
Therefore, their nafs is able to transcend far beyond the human desire to
commit sins to feel good and enjoy this life, as a reward for their loyalty to
God and patience during difficult trials. If we’re far from God, our
hardships and trials are given to us as a reminder of our purpose and to
bring us closer to Him. They can also be sent as karma for the wrong we
know we’ve done and so if we’re patient and accept that they could be our
karma in this life, then God will erase our sins so we don’t have to face
them in The Hereafter. Whatever hardships we face, they should make us
realise that we have no one but God to turn to. God loves those He tests the
most and we know this because no people had more hardships, trials and
problems than the beloved Prophets of God. Those who continuously pass
His tests of faith, patience and morality become more aware, stronger and
resilient to the temptations that come their way.
“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss
of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, who,
when disaster strikes them, say, ‘Indeed we belong to Allah and indeed to
Him we will return.’ Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their
Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Baqarah: 155-157)
Empaths with weak boundaries and who are too kind for their own good
are closer on the scale to low-level co-dependents. Their overly kind and
giving nature is highly credible in Islam, but not when it’s at the expense of
their own time, mental health, rights, comfort, energy, faith and emotions.
Our soul and body have rights over us and it’s important to prioritize their
well-being. Empaths are very much in touch with their spiritual side and
can intuitively sense and understand the mental or emotional state of
another individual. This makes them excellent charity givers, as they know
who to give money to and offer help without people asking for it first. This
intuition also helps them pick up on different energies in people and so
they’re more likely to identify co-dependents, narcissists and other empaths
quickly. This isn’t to say though that empaths don’t end up with narcissists.
Many low-level empaths do, as they have the special ability to see the good
in people and feel sad when they see others suffering. Their caring and
compassionate nature triggers the ‘hero syndrome’ within them that boosts
their desire to help narcissists heal, especially from a bad divorce. Saying
that though, they find it easier to leave toxic relationships than co-
dependents, but don’t regret the friendship and counselling they gave to the
narcissist, who very much needed it. It is true when psychologists say a
narcissist will never forget an empath who walked away from them,
because unlike co-dependents, empaths know their worth and don’t tolerate
abuse they know they don’t deserve. While narcissists respect this, the pain
of loss encourages them to keep trying to hoover the empaths back into
their lives and if they’re borderline co-dependent, they may feel sorry for
them and get sucked back in. If they’re not, then chances are the empath’s
dignity won’t allow them to fall for the narcissist’s manipulation.
In Islam, empathic people are those who lean more towards what God
loves and are good to everyone they meet. However, a Muslim must also
establish healthy boundaries, as there are people who will always try to take
advantage and not appreciate help that’s offered and/or given to them. Abu
“A strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than a weak
believer.”
The word ‘strong’ in this Hadith doesn’t just refer to someone’s level of
faith, but their mental, physical, intellectual and emotional state too. Many
people generally perceive good empathic Muslims to be very soft in nature,
highly sensitive and not the type to be fun, spontaneous and take care of
themselves. Some empaths I’ve spoken to have told me that they don’t have
time to ‘waste’ in the gym, when they can be working on their business or
anything else, but making excuses to avoid exercising to look and feel good
isn’t a trait of a high-level empath or true Muslim. A high-level empath will
always make time for his or her fitness, health and to get in shape. It is
generally assumed that it’s only the narcissists and players who “look
good”, because they’re obsessed with beauty and prioritise spending so
much time in the gym and playing sports, but empaths can advance greatly
in their value by maintaining their physical health. Physical attraction is
usually the most important element for most people when seeking a partner
and so it makes sense for a high-value person to assign some time to excel
in this area of life too. Great people can be easily dismissed as potential
marriage partners because they aren’t in good shape, have bad teeth or are
generally unhealthy. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was very aware of
this, which is why he encouraged us to work on ourselves as complete
human beings. Sometimes we focus on one aspect and neglect others or we
expect others to accept us for who we are based on what we value in
ourselves. So, if we believe that people will look at us as high-value people
because we’re intelligent, religious, wealthy or have a heavy-weight family
name, it doesn’t necessarily mean that other people will. Everyone’s lists of
priorities are different and so if someone prioritises beauty and fitness over
wealth and status and doesn’t find them in you, then to them you won’t be
perceived as a high-value person. Many people take this personally and get
upset when they know they’re good people but get rejected because they’re
overweight, for example, or don’t dress well. Therefore, a high-level
empath will invest time and energy in nurturing all traits, to give them the
best chance at being perceived as a high-value person from all aspects. Of
course, no one is perfect and we aren’t able to excel in all areas of life, but
we can always make the efforts to reach our best potential.
Many empaths experience heartbreak when the people whom they help
aren’t there for them in return and if they place new boundaries, they’re
perceived as being “selfish”, which they really don’t like, as they’re far
from being so. This causes an empath to really struggle with boundary
setting, because they care too much about how they come across to others.
They also get really hurt when a narcissist they’re trying to help makes
them believe that they’ve changed for the better, only to shock them with
upsetting behaviour, such as betrayal. Like co-dependents, low-level
empaths can be blinded by the love-bombing phase of the narcissist in the
early stages of a relationship and it can confuse their judgement. Their
intuition tells them that this person isn’t who he or she says they are, but the
narcissist manages to convince the empath otherwise. When a narcissist is
able to fool someone he or she believes is an intelligent empath, they lose
respect for them. The narcissist puts in a lot of effort to mirror the wants
and desires of the empath until they’re brainwashed into believing that the
narcissist could be the soulmate they were searching for. Dismissing your
gut instinct could cause self-harm spiritually, because God has placed it
there to protect you. If you don’t trust it and continuously neglect it, it will
create a spiritual problem deep within when you find yourself regularly
getting depressed and disappointed by people who find it easy to hurt you.
Intuition is a powerful tool that has been put into our system to make us
intelligent supernova empaths.
A supernova empath is someone who has the highest level of al nafs al
mutumainnah. This person does everything in his or her power to protect
their peace, faith and relationship with God. They enjoy offering the
obligational and voluntary prayers, such as Tahajjud [pre-dawn (Fajr)
prayers], fast voluntarily and are pure-hearted, sweet-natured and don’t
harm anyone or deprive them of their rights. The difference between those
who treat their prayers as chores and those who take the time to focus on
them and enjoy them, because it’s the special time they get to spend with
God, is so great that they can’t be compared at all. Therefore, supernova
empaths are only attracted to those who are like them and don’t settle for
less than that. When two supernova empaths come together in marriage,
they can do amazing things and raise wonderful children. They appreciate
in each other what other people don’t, such as a high level of faith,
knowledge and spirituality. They also possess a very deep and beautiful
understanding of Islam, which makes them peaceful people and wonderful
teachers. Their good nature and behaviour are the greatest form of dawah
(invitation to Islam) and has inspired many people to learn about the faith
and fall in love with it. They avoid sins as much as possible and narcissists
aren’t considered by them as marriage partners, as they can quickly detect
their red flags and satanic mission. You’ll never find a supernova empath
married to a narcissist by choice; it’s the equivalent of an eagle pairing up
with a chicken.
The supernova empath is the most beloved to God because not only do
they believe, they act on their belief. These Muslims only sin by mistake
and not by being foolish, reckless or adamant – and are quick to repent,
unlike others. They’re known to be great therapists and counsellors, so
although they may not get romantically involved with narcissists, they will
try their best to help them within a professional setting. They’re also the
hardest targets for Satan to conquer, as their spirituality is deep and their
relationship with God is strong. Supernova empaths possess a special ability
to use their narcissistic traits for their own good. They recognise them in
others and are able to use them as weapons to protect themselves. Due to
their high level of intuition and knowledge about satanic traits, they will
always recognise the games narcissists play very quickly. When narcissists
realise that they know the game, they will leave them alone, as they know
they aren’t suitable victims or people to be ‘played’. No one scares a
narcissist more than a supernova empath and this makes them powerful
people who aren’t easily manipulated by people and their qareen. People
who aren’t easily manipulated make the best leaders, judges, scholars and
CEOs because they’re trusted and admired for their high level of intellect,
wisdom and ability to efficiently deal with different kinds of people.
A prominent example taken from Islamic history of a supernova empath,
who wasn’t a prophet, was Khalifa Omar Ibn Al Khattab (ra). Prophets
were always chosen by God because of their highly empathic traits and
moral characters that were needed in dawah, but Omar (ra) was known for
his harsh nature and ruthlessness before he embraced Islam. It was only The
Qur’an and the teachings of The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) that led him to
convert, change, soften and become one of The Prophet’s (pbuh) most
beloved companions. Even after he became a Muslim, he was still known to
be very tough, but he managed to exercise his toughness and power
correctly via the right channels, such as in war and with oppressors. As a
reformed supernova empath, he used his (narcissistic) traits for the greater
good to provide for the poor (by making sure everyone paid their Zakat), to
serve justice to the oppressed (by obtaining their rights) and to protect
Muslims from their enemies (by having intelligent war plans that would
ensure their victory). The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said that if there was
to be a prophet after him, it would’ve been Omar (ra). Narcissists use their
power to instil fear in people, as a way of controlling them, whereas Omar
(ra) instilled a fear of God in them (before his own authority), so that they’d
be protected from God’s punishment in this life and The Hereafter when
they avoid harming others and corrupting the society. His genius
achievements in the field of economic development and wealth distribution
also elevated the state of the Ummah and allowed everyone to live
comfortably. Poverty was eliminated during his reign to the point where
people didn’t know who to give their Zakat to and so he established ‘Bayt
Al-Mal’ (The Public Treasury) in which people’s charity was kept for
anyone who needed money or provision, such as a traveller passing
through. It was said that people respected and feared Omar (ra) to the extent
that not only were crimes not committed during his reign as Khalifa, but
Satan himself avoided him too. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said to
Omar (ra):
“By the One in Whose Hand is my soul, Satan never meets you on a road
except that he takes a different road.”
This Hadith teaches us that even if it’s in someone’s nature to be harsh,
understanding Islam correctly, with the help and guidance of empathic
Muslim teachers, imams and scholars, can help him or her to soften and
channel it in the right way for the greater good. God has given everyone a
degree of harshness and toughness in their character to help them protect,
defend and discipline themselves and others when needed, especially when
it comes to surviving an ordeal. Unfortunately, a lot of Muslims are
ignorant of Islamic teachings and don’t know how to rein in their emotions
and channel this energy when a bad mood has been triggered by an
unpleasant experience or encounter. Many men, for example, end up getting
involved in unnecessary street fights or applying it incorrectly on their
family members, resulting in a lot of domestic violence. True Muslim
believers will maintain a moral character and seek safe ways and activities
in which they can release their anger and emotional harshness, such as
boxing. This is a highly rewarded act, as not only are they refraining from
harming others, they’re investing in themselves by channelling their
negative energy in the improvement of their mental and physical health too.
Another example of a narcissistic trait that’s used by supernova empaths
in the correct way is jealousy. Omar (ra) was also known to be extremely
protective over his wives and shared his jealousy for them in his mission to
fight for the rights of all Muslim women, to protect their honour and make
sure that the divorcees, widowers and orphans were fully taken care of and
safe from predatory men. His jealousy and protective nature allowed
women to live in peace and with dignity, as no one dared to mistreat them
and violate their rights. Despite his extraordinary piety and amazing
character that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) himself vouched for, the
wives of Omar (ra) struggled with his high level of jealousy and
protectiveness, so imagine how the wives of narcissists feel when they have
to deal with their husbands’ high level of jealousy and very poor and
immoral characters. The wives of Omar (ra) were patient with his emotions,
because he was just, appreciated them and didn’t deprive them of their
rights. It is reported that a man came to Omar (ra) to complain about his
wife’s bad temper. While he was waiting for Omar (ra) to come out of his
house, he heard his wife scolding him and Omar (ra) quietly listening to her
and not answering back. The man turned around and started walking away,
muttering to himself: “If that is the case with Omar (ra), the leader of the
believers, who is famous for his uprightness and toughness, then what about
poor me?!” At that moment, Omar (ra) came out of his house and saw the
man walking away. He called him and said, “What is it you want of me,
brother?” The man replied: “O leader of the believers, I came to complain
to you about my wife’s bad temper and how she nags me, but then I heard
your wife doing the same to you, so I turned around and thought, ‘If that is
the situation of the leader of the believers, then what about me?!’” Omar
(ra) replied, “O my brother, I bear with her because of her rights over me.
She cooks my food, bakes my bread, washes my clothes, looks after my child
and yet none of these are her duty; and then she is a comfort to my heart
and keeps me away from forbidden deeds. Due to all this, I bear with her.”
The man said, “It is the same with me, O leader of the believers.” Omar
(ra) said: “Then, my brother, be patient with her, indeed this life is short.”
(The Chief Sins, Al-Zahabi (2009): p. 181).
This story reminds us that even the greatest people to have lived were
normal human beings who argued, got stressed, felt overwhelmed with their
responsibilities and made mistakes. Many people assume that the wives of
prophets and their companions were perfect and never dared to argue with
them, but it isn’t true. The purpose of this narration isn’t to give a green
light to women to disrespect and shout at their husbands; but to show how
patient even the toughest men were with their wives and family members,
because of their love for God that was placed above everything else. If
more couples were patient with each other’s shortcomings and reacted the
same way, while remembering and being grateful for the good things that
their partners do for them, many marriages would last longer. Even the
wives of The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) argued with him, got upset with
him and acted emotionally, such as when Aishah (ra), out of jealousy, struck
his hand to let a bowl of food he was carrying fall and smash on the floor,
because it was sent to him from another wife for his guests. He didn’t do
what many men would, which is shout at her in front of his guests (or after
they leave) to humiliate her, as he was intelligent and compassionate
enough to understand why she did that. Instead, he remedied the situation
by cleaning up the mess himself, out of love for her (Sunan Al-Nasai,
3955).
People become supernova empaths, as a result of their upbringing or
because they worked hard on themselves and their faith and/or because they
have the correct understanding of Islam. Some people have also turned into
supernova empaths, as a result of a life-changing experience in their lives,
such as a near-death experience. Contrary to some beliefs, it is possible for
a narcissist or co-dependent to change the type of nafs they have to al nafs
al mutumainnah and become a supernova empath, but only if they do the
following:
1. Acknowledge that they have a problematic disorder and wounds that

need healing.
2. Visit a Muslim counsellor to understand their disorder, commit to
making a change and start their healing journey.
3. Establish the five daily prayers, starting with one a day, then two
and so on.
4. Sincerely repent to God for their sins and ask for forgiveness, if
possible, from the people they have hurt too.
5. Ask God for help to make the healing journey a pleasant and easy
one for them.
6. Abandon and avoid all the major sins.
7. Avoid bad friends and people who continue to commit the major
sins.
8. Seek the friendship and company of practicing supernova empath
Muslims they admire.
9. Seek Islamic knowledge from supernova empath Muslims and
improve themselves as believing and practicing Muslims who trust
God to guide them.
10. Adjust their lifestyle and daily routine, so that it becomes
compatible with Islamic morals and values.
If people follow these points then they’ll be helping themselves greatly to

make an amazing transformation within themselves, however, this isn’t an
easy process, especially if someone has been used to their disorder for many
years, doesn’t have the right support or come from a practicing Muslim
family. It is important for anyone who wants to change to be in the
company of supernova empaths who can inspire and help them to make the
transition. If you can’t find or don’t know any of these people, you can
regularly listen to motivational speeches, educational lectures and watch
inspiring videos created by empathic Muslims who share their spiritual
journeys, experiences and how they overcame their trials and mental health
issues. Imam Omar Suleiman, Sheikh Hamza Yusuf, Yasmin Mogahed, Dr.
Yasir Qadhi and Mufti Menk always have great and enjoyable Islamic
lectures to listen to.
13. The Different Types of Muslim
Narcissists
Now that I’ve addressed all personality types, I’ll dive a bit deeper into the
subject of narcissism, as more things will start making sense now that you
have the necessary information about them and the types of people they like
and dislike. In this section, Muslim narcissists have been grouped into four
distinct categories, to help you identify them. As there are four types,
avoiding them is easier said than done, but here are the signs you need to
look out for in yourselves and others:
1. The Strict Practicing Muslim: This isn’t the well-intentioned

person who’s a genuine practicing Muslim, but a person who puts
on a mask of piety in public. They like to present themselves as
practicing Muslims who go to the mosque and charity events, are
involved in dawah and are even qualified to teach Islam. However,
this person is someone else at home. They put on a religious façade
so they can gain respect, status, a good reputation, trust, privileges
and benefits from the community, such as a religious spouse. Most
of these men are misogynists and assume that women will always
listen and look up to them, if they appear to have more ‘Islamic
knowledge’ than them. They feel very intimidated by financially
successful and highly educated women and will try to belittle them
as much as possible to always have the upper hand. They also tend
to be more cultural than religious, but mix the two together. This can
be a dangerous mix, as some cultural practices are backward,
patriarchal and oppressive. The biggest tell-tell sign of this type of
narcissist appears when they use The Qur’an and Hadiths, out of
context, to justify abuse, control and non-Islamic behaviour. They
apply Islamic law to everyone but themselves.
It is not hard for most men to grow a beard, carry prayer beads and
be seen in and out of the mosque to look religious, however, they’re
often caught doing strange things such as ‘liking’ photos of half-
naked Instagram models and messaging young women for
relationships or marriage, who don’t appear to be practicing
Muslims at all. These are men who also take advantage of the
welfare system, commit fraud, have committed crimes, such as
robbery (because stealing from non-Islamic banks is justified to
them), talk to multiple women while being married (using the
excuse they can have up to four wives) and display fake passion
when it comes to global Muslim affairs, such as the Palestinian
conflict and attend protests while taking selfies to ‘look good’ for
being there. However, what’s very ironic and humorous is that
they’ll make it clearly known that anniversaries, new year
celebrations, birthdays, mawlids (celebration of The Prophet
Muhammad’s (pbuh) birthday) and listening to music is completely
haram and they’ll absolutely refuse to participate in these activities.
They pick and choose what they want to follow (if it benefits them)
and leave (if it doesn’t benefit them). For example, they’ll avoid
celebrating birthdays and buying gifts for their family members, by
using the excuse that it’s a pagan practice, but are more than happy
to follow the pagan practices of oppressing women and taking
advantage of them. These men aren’t educated enough to understand
that Islam is a peaceful spiritual religion and tend to follow
patriarchal scholars who have harsh and problematic Islamic
opinions. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard some claim
that they’d love to be Muslim soldiers, like those they see in the
‘Ertugrul’ series and be companions of ‘The Mehdi’ (a noble soldier
of God who’s prophesised to appear towards the end of times) when
he makes his appearance to save the Ummah. They make such huge
claims, whilst being unable to pray all five daily prayers, keep away
from major sins and step up as real men to look after their families.
If you see that someone’s behaviour doesn’t match their outward
portrayal of religiosity, run. Some people find it hard to figure out if
someone is truly religious or not, but red flags will appear even in
the first meeting if you watch their body language and listen
carefully enough to what they say about themselves and other
people. If red flags do appear and the person happens to be a man
who’s divorced, you may want to check if there are any court orders
against him for abuse, domestic violence and not paying child
maintenance. It is also important to know if he cares about seeing
any children he may have, regularly. If he knows you live alone and
wants to “hang out” at your house or his, or he’s avoiding speaking
to your wali, even after a few dates, something’s wrong and he’s not
as religious as he seems. A religious Muslim will know the Islamic
procedure to get married. Other traits The Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) warned women about are: stinginess, selfishness, hypocrisy,
rudeness towards parents and siblings, a short temper and being a
blind follower of corrupt people (i.e., problematic imams and
scholars).
Many narcissists are given the benefit of the doubt because their
self-centred attitudes and lack of empathy are often mixed with
gestures of kindness, love and generosity to keep people around.
Mixed messages allow for people to make excuses for their bad
behaviour and lead them to believe that narcissists do care, but they
eventually end up hurt and confused. In Islam, we’re taught to
always give people the benefit of the doubt and find excuses for
them, however, this applies to people who fall into mistakes now
and again and not those who choose to make the same mistakes and
insist on appearing religious because it helps them get away with
bad behaviour and hurting others.
Some women can also come across as being very pious but are in
reality promiscuous and have issues with the hijab and other Islamic
requirements. If a narcissistic woman is interested in a religious man
who’s either very handsome or financially successful, or both, she
can go out of her way to pretend that she’s religious for him to be
interested. She may even be a non-Muslim who converts to Islam to
get what she wants from an empathic Muslim man. As mentioned
before, it’s very easy to spot the signs that someone is faking it in
the early stages of getting to know them, as their actions don’t
match their words. You may pick up on traits such as irritation,
rudeness, erratic behaviour, inappropriate comments, backbiting,
boredom and lack of respect for themselves and others. It’s not easy
to wear a mask all the time, as we’ve experienced with Covid and so
they’ll eventually and occasionally slip, giving you a peek into their
true character. Abu Hurairah (ra) narrated that The Prophet
“The signs of a hypocrite are three: Whenever he (or she) speaks they
lie; whenever he (or she) is entrusted they prove to be dishonest;
whenever he (or she) promises they break their promise.”
2. The “Practicing” Playboy: We see these boys everywhere who
have lots of confidence, good-looks, charm and swagger that girls
swoon over because they aren’t boring, yet considered to be
“practicing”. These men know how to keep women on their toes.
They’re often found hanging out in prestigious areas, gyms, shisha
bars, barber shops and trendy cafés and are the types who rev the
engines of their double-exhaust, window-tinted German cars and
dangerously race each other down motorways and roads, just to look
cool. They lust after money and the material life, which leads them
to their involvement with criminals, drugs, stolen goods and gangs,
so they can buy their designer gear and rent supercars that are used
as bait in both real life and their dating app profiles, to capture
materialistic Barbie girls who are fascinated by similarly superficial
things. This type of narcissist is someone who may make efforts to
pray and do the right thing at times and go through phases where
they become a bit religious. In general, they’ll adamantly refuse to
drink alcohol, eat pork and break their fast in Ramadan during the
day, however, they’ll happily justify committing zina, string women
along and date non-Muslims or Muslim women who aren’t
practicing at all. If they date a practicing Muslim girl, it’s not long
before she catches him texting other girls who are very different
from the type of woman she is. They’re immature and hypocritical,
as you’ll find them talking passionately about Islam, while they’re
openly involved in major sins. A lot of these men try to change the
way their non-practicing Muslim girlfriends dress to make them
‘look’ more religious, so that they’re accepted by their religious
parents. More often than not, the girls don’t comply and these boys
enter a cycle of emotional dramas, if they’re in love and if they’re
‘mummy’s boys’, which many of them are. Those who aren’t
mummy’s boys tend to be the more aggressive and physically
abusive playboys.
These types of narcissists are usually insecure, temperamental, vain,
possessive and jealous and will often refer to their exes who
discarded them first as “psychos”. Playboys (and playgirls) always
have a list of people to entertain, hence why they have trust issues
and are always paranoid about what their partners are up to. They
love to juggle their options and aren’t sincere about marriage until
they’ve secured the ‘ultimate supply’. They’re also more likely than
others to marry out of ‘revenge’ on partners who made their lives
difficult or walked out on them. The narcissist may have been with
their girlfriend or boyfriend for years and didn’t get married, but all
of a sudden, after just a few weeks or months, they meet someone
else and get married. The one who suffers the most in this situation
is the new partner of the narcissist, because he or she is still
obsessed with the lost supply and isn’t attentive to the marriage.
They’re also likely to leave the new partner should a valuable ex
come back into their lives and demand that they divorce their spouse
first before they can have another chance. Unfortunately, many
aren’t loyal or God-fearing and do end up complying with these
demands. Unless they’ve repented and changed their ways for good,
they’ll secretly continue to keep in touch with their exes and other
options, should they be needed later.
If a playboy is interested in a practicing Muslim woman, he’ll often
say things like, “I’m not that practicing at the moment, but I want to
be” and most commonly, “I used to pray five times a day and then I
lost my way, but I’m looking for a good wife who can help me with
my deen”. This is repeated by thousands of Muslim players like a
broken record. I’ve heard it myself countless times. They know that
it appeals to empathic religious women, as it activates their desire to
help them, so that they get both a husband and reward from God for
helping them find the right path. However, they’re seasoned
charmers and sweet talkers who know exactly what women want to
hear. After women become attached to them, they tend to disappear
because they’re the most confused types of people who have no idea
what they want. They may get excited and make promises in the
spur of a moment, but are terrified of commitment and become
inconsistent with their decisions. They always need attention and
validation from very beautiful women to feel good, which is why
they post regular gym-mirror selfies and photos with expensive
watches and cars, believing that these things give them great worth,
because their society and social media followers say so.
Some practicing (co-dependent) Muslim women who’ve fallen for
either the religious-looking narcissists or Muslim playboys have
been told by these men that they’re unable to go without sexual
intimacy for longer than a few weeks and that the best way they
could deal with their religious concerns was to enter a secret
marriage contract in which the relationship would be “halal”.
Religious women, especially those who are divorced, widowed
and/or single mothers are pressurized and convinced that it’s better
to do it this halal way than to commit zina. I’ve addressed this
earlier, but I wish to dive a little deeper into the issues of these
marriages that aren’t justifiable in Islam:
1. These men have no respect for you and your families by
suggesting a secret marriage. They aren’t interested in your
reputation, if people find out and are just trying to find a way
that makes you comfortable in serving their sexual needs.
This is more commonly reported among Muslim women
who live alone, as they’re the target for these types of
relationships. Many women have reported being randomly
divorced by text and voice notes and not knowing how to
emotionally or legally deal with that, as these marriages are
often conducted verbally without any paperwork or
witnesses.
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) strongly disliked important
matters being conducted in secrecy, such as these types of
marriages, because they exploit women, (especially those
who are vulnerable and very young) and deprives them of
their rights. Casual secret marriages were common in pre-
Islamic Arabia among the pagan Arabs who would take
temporary wives for sexual enjoyment during their travels.
The Prophet (pbuh) abolished this practice to give women
honour, status and dignity and told young men to get into the
habit of fasting regularly to decrease sexual desire until they
could afford to marry in an honourable Islamic way.
However, men with little to no faith continue to dishonour
and degrade many of our Muslim sisters who’ve been deeply
hurt and discarded by such men.
Many men who have secret marriages tend to already be
married and they follow the Islamic advice and teachings of
problematic scholars who tell them that they don’t need
permission from their wives to get married again or inform
them. In my opinion, this isn’t correct at all and goes against
Islamic teachings and the important elements of sakan,
mawaddah and rahmah in a marriage. Not only would it
devastate the first wife emotionally and mentally if she
found out, it may cause a divorce and the family home will
be broken. The first wife also needs to be informed of her
husband wanting to marry again, because it could mean that
the finances of the home that she’s used to receiving will be
decreased, as he would need to split it with the other wife. It
is her Islamic right to not accept this, if she’s used to a
particular standard of living. The children of the first wife
would also need to know that they have brothers and sisters
from another woman for many reasons, aside from the
obvious, such as fair and equal distribution of the father’s
inheritance and child maintenance. If a man passes away and
the first wife is unaware that he has another wife and
children he’s responsible for, then he would have deprived
them of their Islamic rights. Therefore, patriarchal teachings
that permit men to keep co-wives a secret are harming
people and families more than anything else.
I remember when I was a teenager in Saudi, my mother
attended the funeral of a friend’s husband. Her friend was
welcoming people into her home who wanted to give their
condolences. Towards the end of the evening, there was a
knock on the door and a young woman turned up with a
baby. She claimed to be the second wife of the deceased man
and had come to inform them, so that her child wouldn’t be
deprived of his inheritance, especially because the deceased
was a wealthy man. A lot of drama, screaming and chaos
followed her bombshell arrival, as she came with evidence
of her marriage to him. The first wife, who was absolutely
livid, called off the funeral and instead of making dua
(prayers) for him, she and her family members started
praying against him. The news of a man having another son,
in particular, can anger a lot of wives who feel that they were
deceived, that their life was a lie and that they’re now forced
to share the inheritance of their children with another woman
and child(ren) they know nothing about. Unfortunately,
many first wives who are unable to accept the situation don’t
care at all about depriving the secret wife and her orphans of
their rights, claiming that it’s not their problem to deal with.
It becomes very difficult for women in this situation and
state of mind to do the right thing and not oppress the other.
Therefore, I can go as far as to say that getting married in
secret is forbidden in Islam, as the harm in doing so far
outweighs the good.
2. Beware of Muslim men who are unable to control their
sexual desires. Some women in such situations feel the need
to enter such marriages out of fear that the men they love
will betray them if they don’t meet their sexual needs. If he’s
looking for a secret second wife, then it’s best to ask yourself
if you really want to be involved with someone who clearly
can’t be trusted. A man who seeks a second wife for valid
and honourable reasons will have no problem being open
and honest about it with his family. He will respect both the
first wife and the woman he’s looking to marry by
proceeding with the marriage process correctly and in the
kindest way possible.
3. The Insecure and Disadvantaged Narcissist: These people feel
inferior to those around them because they didn’t have a stable
family upbringing, aren’t financially successful or come from a
wealthy family, don’t feel they achieved much in life and feel that
people don’t like or respect them. As a result, they force people to
respect them rather than work to earn it, which is why they’re not
liked by the majority. Like the fake religious narcissists, they’re also
known to be misogynists and are very intimidated by a woman’s
strength and success. They feel inferior to them, secretly want to be
like them and perceive them as a challenge to have. Once they
manage to manipulate beautiful and successful women into
marrying them (something that gives them a lot of social validation),
they start working to destroy them. They always come across as
being very understanding, supportive and lenient people, which
greatly appeals to independent women. They’re also incredibly
draining, as friends and marriage partners and don’t like to work on
improving themselves, changing for the better and learning new
things to become interesting. They’re always ready to start a fight
over petty issues, as they want everything to go their way and are
known to make illogical impulsive decisions that frustrate everyone.
Women of this category enforce their power in relationships and
belittle their husbands. They always want to ‘wear the pants’ in the
relationship and make sure everyone knows they’re in control, to
feel significant. Their insecurities make them look for ‘weak’ men
they can easily control.
Some of these Muslims compromise on most, if not all of their
principles to fit into modern society. They may have lived a liberal
western lifestyle before marriage, but afterwards, they switch to a
backward, patriarchal cultural mindset that is contrary to their
previous persona. However, many women prefer their liberalism and
open-mindedness that they see before marriage, as it reassures them
that they won’t be strict Islamists later. However, the opposite
usually happens and to this man, every Islamic ruling applies to you
and not to him. God’s laws don’t come first in his life, but his own
rules do, as they suit him and his controlling motives better. These
types of narcissists (especially men) truly don’t care much about
culture and religion and secretly lust after women who don’t display
any religious traits. They’re drawn to a western lifestyle and strong
liberal women, but in order to keep up social appearances, they have
to pretend that they’re both cultural and religious. If they do marry
religious women, they make life difficult, nit-pick on silly things
and become very strict with their hijab, behaviour, choice of
clothing and makeup, all the while hypocritically admiring women
who wear and do the opposite. If these men were free to live their
lives and didn’t have a public image to maintain, they wouldn’t
marry practicing Muslim women or have an Islamic lifestyle at all.
This type of narcissist is also very suspicious and judgemental
because he or she knows you deserve better than them, so their
jealousy becomes suffocating and unbearable. They’ll become
paranoid and as a result, go through all your personal things, social
media, phone and emails, just to make sure that no one of the
opposite sex is contacting you or encouraging you to leave them.
They may also force you to close your social media account, place
GPS trackers on your phone and monitor your every move. If they
don’t have much money, they’ll resent rich people and speak badly
about them and if they believe they’re good-looking, they’ll
constantly remind you how lucky you are to have them and may
even mention that people have said they’re better looking than you.
Insecure people resent everyone for having what they don’t have but
won’t work hard to get them. To such a narcissist, your happiness is
never his or her priority, unless there’s something they want from
you. Intimacy is also known to be robotic, emotionless and dull with
these people. Men will request sexual intimacy even in the worst of
times when their partner’s mood is terrible. They simply don’t care
though, even if it’s clear their partner isn’t enjoying it or perceives it
as a chore, as long as their own needs are met. They’re totally fine
living with their partner’s hate and frustration towards them, as
they’re detached emotionally and psychologically and they secretly
take pleasure in watching them suffer and don’t like to see them
happy, especially when they aren’t the cause of their happiness.
Many people misinterpret jealousy, envy, obsession and
possessiveness for care and concern and argue that it’s all healthy,
however, when it becomes excessive, puts limitations in your life
and makes it miserable and unbearable, because your partner’s
always suspicious and controlling, it’s crossed healthy boundaries.
People are easily able to destroy the good in their relationships and
characters, because of this behaviour. The Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) warned us about this and said:
“Avoid envy, for envy devours good deeds just as fire devours fuel or
grass.”
4. The Liberal Muslim: This is a Muslim who claims that he or she is
Muslim but doesn’t practice Islam at all. The most Islamic thing
they would do to identify as Muslims would be to not eat pork.
They’re usually charming, elegant, handsome/beautiful, arrogant,
very well dressed, highly educated, successful and from a reputable
family. Islam wasn’t really a significant part of their life when they
were growing up. They’ll only target practicing Muslims if they’re
very good-looking, highly educated, wealthy and from a family that
has a high status in society. Usually, it’s beauty and a high financial
status that they aim for. If a man’s victim happens to wear hijab and
dress modestly, he’ll work on slowly chipping away at her faith until
she abandons the hijab completely and fits in with his liberal
lifestyle. They feel powerful when someone starts to distance
themselves from God to please them and feel entitled to everything
they want, because they see themselves as ‘the prize’. They
regularly commit the major sins and don’t feel bad about it, so if
they cheat, which most of them do, they won’t feel guilty because
they believe their partners are already ‘lucky’ to have them. This is
more relatable to men who provide a luxury lifestyle for their wives,
whom they believe should be ‘grateful’ and tolerate their behaviour
and sins to keep it.
It is easy for women to become victims of such attractive men who
emotionally abuse them over and over again, play on their
insecurities, treat them as sex objects and parade them as trophies in
front of family and friends, because of the material things they can
offer. Many women I’ve counselled reported little to no love and
intimacy in their marriages and said that romance was experienced
only in the beginning stages of their relationship when they were
being love-bombed. These women are controlled by their husbands,
who are in charge of all household expenses and withhold financial
allowances and ‘privileges’, as a punishment for when they’re not
obedient or don’t comply with difficult requests. Many of these men
prefer their wives to stay at home, especially if they’re young, as
they don’t want them to work and have a career, or gain much
knowledge about the outside world, as it weakens their hold on
them. They’re happy to be the providers in the relationship, if the
woman agrees that her sole purpose is to serve him. If a liberal man
isn’t wealthy then he won’t have any issues with her working, as
he’ll take advantage of the extra income. If wealthy men do accept
their wives pursuing her career, it will be so that they can brag about
their high and important positions at work. However, if they start
becoming insecure about their success and feel that their wives have
gained a lot of power from their career, they will find ways to stop
them from working. They may do this by creating a drama about
how the marriage is being neglected, or cheat on their wives to make
them feel like it’s their fault they didn’t give their husbands enough
attention or by pressurizing them to have children.
The wives of successful liberal narcissists also constantly feel
insecure and under pressure to look perfectly immaculate and
maintain their beauty, so they don’t get ‘replaced’. They often feel
compelled to go for plastic surgeries and other procedures (in many
cases, it’s even suggested and financed by the husband) to keep their
attention and continue enjoying their luxury lifestyle. However,
much to the dismay of many women who work so hard to maintain
their youth and beauty, for their husbands, all of this only works for
some time. They often find that when they reach their fifties and
sixties, their husbands have affairs or marry another woman, who’s
much younger and more beautiful. This causes their self-confidence
and sense of value to drastically plummet into a deep pool of mental
health issues. Some men don’t even wait until their wives are in
their fifties and sixties. I’ve seen it happen just a few years after
their marriage, while the wives are still young and beautiful. If they
divorce over this then it’s not uncommon to see many of these
women become ‘cougars’ and gravitate towards younger men
who’ll make them feel attractive again.
I often see practicing Muslim women who desire (and chase) financially
successful Muslim men whilst knowing they don’t pray. High-level co-
dependent women are ready to compromise on this by making excuses that
they’ll ‘get better in time’ with their help, but by ignoring such a basic
requirement in a Muslim spouse, they’re taking a huge risk of marrying
someone who doesn’t value a relationship with God. The issue of Muslim
men not being practicing or praying is sometimes brushed under the carpet
by women who’ve been heavily love-bombed and/or drawn by the lifestyle
and social status of these men. They want to be the envy of the town and
believe that they’ve achieved something big by marrying such a person,
because they don’t rely on their own personal achievements to lift their self-
value and self-esteem. When we place our value in the hands of someone
else, we’ll surely get heartbroken eventually. Some of these men will give
them false hope and pretend that they’re interested in praying one day and
changing for the better, but they only do this to appear perfect in the eyes of
the co-dependent. More often than not, it’s just bait to gain the trust of the
women they want.
While we’re on the subject of prayers, it’s important for me to mention
here that if someone can’t carry the responsibilities of their five daily
prayers, then they’ll surely fail in their responsibilities towards others.
Showing negligence to the prayers demonstrates a profound lack of
commitment to a Higher Authority, let alone a spouse. Jabir (ra) narrated
that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Between disbelief and faith is abandoning the prayers.”
This emphasizes the importance of a Muslim fulfilling the most
important act of worship. Therefore, if a Muslim refuses to do so, or doesn’t
feel that he or she needs to be regular in prayer, then according to this
Hadith they’ll be spiritually classified as non-believers and it’s not
permissible for practicing Muslims to marry non-believers (Muslims who
don’t or refuse to pray). Our prayers will also be asked about after we pass
away in the first night of being in the grave by the two angels (Munkir and
Nakeer). If a Muslim refuses to stand up and acknowledge his or her
Creator, then they possess a level of arrogance that will make your life
miserable. They may also do this if they weren’t taught about the beauty,
importance or benefit of prayers growing up, or didn’t have any good role
models, such as a parent, who encouraged them (in a kind manner) to pray.
If they pray occasionally, or are generally lazy about their prayers, then it’s
better than not praying at all, but again, it’s not advised to marry them until
they establish a prayer routine because they want to make the required
efforts needed. Religiously inclined men and women need spouses who
prioritize their prayers and religious obligations and are ready to be
marriage partners and parents to make life, marriage and parenthood as
smooth and easy as possible.
Someone who’s adamant about not praying or is careless about it, is
already demonstrating that he or she won’t give God the rights due to Him,
meaning you have no assurance that they’ll give the rights God has asked
them to give you in the marriage. If they don’t then it will be very difficult
to convince them that they’ll be held accountable for their negligence if
they’re dismissive of The One Who requested them to fulfil those rights in
the first place. Also, if a parent doesn’t pray, especially a stay-at-home-
mother, then there won’t be anyone to teach the children about Islam, how
to pray and how to perform the other worship rituals. They’ll be deprived of
good knowledge and role models when they don’t or rarely see their parent
performing the obligatory rituals and more often than not, won’t take Islam
seriously as teenagers and adults. Usually, if one parent is liberal and the
other is practicing, issues arise when the children prefer to follow the ways
of the liberal parent, as they perceive their lives as being ‘easier’. This is
why, it’s best to not marry someone out of hope they will ‘pray one day’
and be practicing, because you’ll face the consequences of it later when
they don’t fear God in their treatment of you or when you realise you’ve
been deceived into thinking they want to be practicing or when you turn
into their parent and waste your energy by nagging them to do the basics, so
that they can be a good role model for your children – all of which won’t go
down well. Most, if not all, practicing Muslims have deeply regretted
marrying those who don’t pray regularly and who don’t care much about
Islam and their status and/or relationship with God.
14. The Dangers of Social Media and Online
Marriage and Dating Apps
According to the research conducted in the book ‘The Narcissism Epidemic:

Living in the Age of Entitlement’ (Twenge and Campbell, 2009), the number
of young people who are meeting the criteria for narcissistic personality
disorder (NPD) is growing high and fast. It stems mainly from the search
for attention, popularity and endless admiration. The rapid growth of social
media, dating and marriage apps have created a generation of people who
hide behind screens and book dates like they’d order food. I remember back
in the 90s how lucky a man felt if just one pretty girl talked to him and
wanted to marry him. It was an age where innocence and beautiful
intentions still existed. I watched a movie the other night starring Sandra
Bullock and Keanu Reeves, called ‘The Lake House’ and the famous Tom
Hanks movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’, which reminded me of how wonderful it
was when people sent each other meaningful letters and felt on top of the
world when they finally got to meet their loved ones face to face. While
instant communication apps and dating apps have their advantages, they’ve
caused most people to lose the beauty of human connection, innocent love
and genuine relationships. Now, our options for partners pop up on our
screens every day, like a robotic catalogue of emotionless faces that we’re
to swipe left or right on, judging them primarily by their profile picture.
Before you know it, you’re talking to seven or eight people at once, which
is a very confusing and time-consuming process and a great distraction
from more important things in life.
Saying that though, I think online match-making has been good and
helpful for those who don’t have friends, family and work colleagues who
can introduce them to suitable people. A high number of people are
reported to have found suitable marriage partners online, which is great, but
it doesn’t mean that it’ll work for everyone. Muslims who are trying their
best to seek halal relationships will find themselves in the constant loop of
talking to people and perhaps meeting them too, until they find someone
who’s a right match for them. This isn’t an easy process and can involve a
lot of disappointments, heartache, wasted time, tests, temptations and
awkwardness. A practicing Muslim woman (in her late twenties) said to
me:
“Two of my friends had arranged marriages and they would ask me how I
was getting on with my search and I would update them whenever I met
someone I liked. It was entertaining for them. Every other week I was
talking to someone new! They called me an ‘Internet slut!!’ I said to my
friends: ‘Listen, we’re not all privileged to have friends and parents who
can arrange for us to meet good people. If my parents knew people, I
wouldn’t even be using apps!’ I really hated going down that road of
flicking through profiles, swiping, shortlisting, meetings after meetings, the
same cycle of dry conversations and strange men knowing personal details
about me! It really bothered me a lot and I was depressed.”
A lot of Muslim women in particular do feel heavily judged by others for
talking to different men online and meeting them, however, they don’t have
any other choice, especially if they don’t have caring male relatives too.
Some Muslims can have profiles on these apps and sites for years, before
they find someone suitable and who actually has the time to speak to them
and take the matter seriously. The novelty of finding someone compatible is
wearing off among the young generation, as they’re constantly on the
search for ‘someone better’ than the previous person they matched with.
With all the hyper-sexuality in advertisements, music videos and lyrics and
Netflix series and films, it’s not surprising that sexual conquests are high on
the priority list for the young Muslims of our generation who are very low
in their level of iman. For many men (and women), dating apps are like
candy stores and they want to try all the candy there is before they decide
on which one is their favourite (if they can).
Many narcissistic and high-level co-dependent Muslim women will put
up fake, heavily filtered and sexy photos online as ‘bait’, knowing there are
men who are on the hunt for sexual adventures and boyfriend/girlfriend
relationships. The unhealthy and western feminist mindset among some
Muslim women who want to enjoy casual sexual relationships has been
openly received and appreciated by men, who are required to invest little to
nothing in return for it. It is, therefore, no surprise that many men don’t see
the need to convert to Islam to marry these Muslim women or rush into any
commitment. Men take advantage of ‘free sex’ because women don’t stand
by the religious and moral obligations required of men to obtain lawful
intimacy and companionship from them. As long as they have a long list of
attractive options and opportunities for sexual relations, men with little to
no iman will struggle to do what’s right and give up the carefree bachelor
life. Many men have claimed online that it’s difficult and expensive to get
married, as women ask for high dowries and big weddings and so they feel
they have no other option but to enjoy what’s being ‘offered’ to them. This
is of course no excuse at all for committing major sins. These men in
particular always want to marry the most beautiful Muslim women whose
dowries are unaffordable for them and aren’t interested in the more
religious women who may not be as beautiful, but ask for dowries they can
afford. Therefore, these men are essentially neglecting the women who are
better for them and chasing what they can’t have. It’s unfortunate that many
men assign a high value to what they can’t have, even if it’s not good for
them, when they could have halal relationships with women The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) advised them to marry, while they’re still young. Top
level Muslim narcissists, however, act this way (hunt for sexual partners)
because it’s normal for them to commit major sins, even if they can afford
to get married.
Social media platforms, marriage apps and dating apps have become the
perfect hunting grounds for good-looking narcissists (and those who believe
that they’re exceptionally good-looking), who can get their egos stroked by
receiving likes, follows and messages from admirers. Not only does this
validate their self-worth and attractiveness, but it also makes them feel
important. They use their good looks to access a wide range of narcissistic
supply from people who are drawn to outward beauty. To narcissists, people
are easily replaceable and so whenever the main source of supply/victim
isn’t being as submissive as they’d like, they’ll find another, if they don’t
have people waiting in their ‘harem garage’ already. Many years ago,
narcissists had to work hard and wait a long time to find the fuel they
needed to feel powerful and wanted, however, these apps have made it so
easy for them to find people who are seeking commitment, marriage and
sexual relationships. Narcissists, like supernova empaths, are good at
reading people and will be able to tell by your photos and profile
information if you’re another narcissist, empath or co-dependent who’s a
potential long-term source of supply. It has been reported in various studies
that most of the victims are women in their thirties and forties who are
perceived by narcissists as being lonely and in need of companionship,
love, sexual intimacy and romance. They believe that women in this age
bracket will feel lucky to have good-looking men who love-bomb them,
make them feel special and make them believe that their dreams of finding
great husbands have finally come true. It is also the reason why women in
this age bracket (up until their sixties) are scammed by narcissists for
money. Lonely working women who are looking for love are the prime
targets for men who need money. They know that if they love-bomb them
enough, they can get women to trust them and send them money (to keep
the men in their lives), only to be absolutely devastated when they realise
the men they loved have scammed them and disappeared after the money
was received. These narcissists may tell a woman, who by now is blindly in
love with him, that they need an operation they can’t afford, knowing that
her empathic nature won’t allow him to suffer. These types of online scams
happen a lot to middle-aged men too.
People are increasingly being conditioned to believe that there’s nothing
wrong with having an endless list of choices to swipe through, even though
it’s leading more and more people towards superficial relationships. It is
also playing on people’s insecurities, as people can match with many people
in one day and so you’ll never quite know if you’re the only one the other
person is victimising, love-bombing and pretending to commit to. I’ve
come across Muslim women who looked for marriage partners online, only
to be hurt and traumatized again and again, as they discover that every
person they spoke to was a narcissist in one way or another, with some
being overseas students and asylum seekers too. They mirrored their needs
and desires, all the while hiding their true intentions and beliefs. Deception
is common and quite easy on these apps, with people even hiding their real
names, careers and the fact they’re married and have children. Muslim
women I’ve spoken to have said that some men blurred their profile photos
because they’re married or in relationships (looking for more supply) and
don’t want to be caught or recognised. It is easy to look desirable and
perfect on apps and marriage websites, but when it comes to real face-to-
face meetings, the truth comes out, resulting in frustrating dates with
emotionally unavailable people, small talk with socially awkward people
and a lot of wasted time and disappointments, because they aren’t who they
say they are. It is not uncommon to be ‘catfished’, i.e., meeting someone
who isn’t the same person in the profile picture or someone whose profile
picture is over ten years old or someone who looks far better in their photos
because they’re filtered, photoshopped and enhanced. This has definitely
been the complaint of most men who claimed that the majority of women
didn’t look anything like their photos. The mask of the ‘ideal partner’ lures
potential victims into abusive relationships, which is easy to do from behind
a phone or computer screen. During the Covid-19 pandemic we currently
find ourselves in, more and more people signed up for online dating and
marriage apps and while there are some well-intentioned people who use
the facilities of apps and websites to search for a suitable spouse, the
majority are predators who are bored and glad they don’t have to go out,
wear their masks and catch their victims the long and tiring way. This has
especially been the case during lockdowns when going out to socialize in
events, activities, meetings and gatherings ceased and loneliness drove
many people (who don’t normally use apps) to search for partners online,
increasing the number of options for very happy narcissists. They find it
really fun to waste people’s time and get them hooked on their attention and
love-bombing.
What a person posts on their profile reflects how they wish to be seen by
others, whether it’s a true reflection of them or not. The overt narcissists are
easier to spot, as they love to show off and brag about themselves. They can
also come across as rude, arrogant and very entitled, for example, “If you’re
not a 10 I won’t match with you, sorry”, whereas the covert narcissists
aren’t so obvious. They’re usually the ones who write on their profiles what
they believe everyone wants to read, for example, “I’m a family man”,
“I’m an honest, genuine guy who’s looking for marriage”, “Looking for a
practicing woman who fears God”, “Loyalty is everything in a
relationship”, “Searching for the love of my life” and “Looking to complete
half my deen with a sincere Muslim(ah)”. While some people are genuine
when they write these things, covert narcissists are known to use these lines
to gain the interest of people and it takes longer to identify and expose
them. For some people, the true reality of covert narcissists is revealed
when it’s unfortunately too late for them to have an early escape, i.e., after
they’ve fallen for them, slept with them, invested in them, sent them money
and wasted a lot of time with them.
As this is a very important issue that needs to be addressed, I’ve prepared
a list of twenty-one signs that will help you recognize narcissists on Muslim
marriage apps. Note that some of these signs will only appear once you start
to message, talk and meet them face to face.
1. Their profile pictures showcase a glamorous lifestyle in which
they’re standing next to luxury cars, grand houses, yachts, etc.
These people view material things as important assets to their
identity and having them or pretending to have them makes them
feel better, special and more worthy. Shiny objects in profile
pictures are used to better their chances at attracting the attention of
beautiful women who want to be with highly successful men.
Unfortunately, women have found that those who are pretending to
be financially successful will turn up the charm and love-bombing
to get what they want from them quickly (usually sex) before they
‘ghost’ them and disappear, as they’re unable to maintain the façade
of being wealthy.
2. They’re standing next to someone famous. By this, a narcissist
wants you to know that he or she is important and has access to
elites and celebrities. It could’ve been a once-in-a-lifetime chance
for them to get that photo, but that particular photo is important for
their public image.
3. They list their good qualities, as mentioned earlier, such as “I’m a
nice person”, “I’m loyal” and “I’m religious”. Many women found
that men who emphasize on the importance of loyalty, honesty and
being ‘nice’ in their profiles are the most disloyal, dishonest and
unpleasant men to deal with. If they’re bragging about themselves,
then more often than not they’re none of those things, as these
qualities will come out in their character naturally, as you get to
know them.
4. Men who love to post topless gym selfies, very close-up shots of
their best facial features, mirror selfies, lots of selfies with
sunglasses on, selfies in which they look aggressive and worst of
them all, selfies in which they’re pouting. Police detectives have
always said that people who wear sunglasses in their profile photos
more often than not have something bad to hide about their
character. Women also post similar selfies, but they’re more filtered
to achieve a flawless model look. It is also common to see them
reveal as much of their bodies as possible or by wearing very tight
clothes for maximum sex appeal. These people don’t mind being
chased for unlawful relationships, as they don’t really care about
halal and haram.
5. Narcissists have over-inflated egos and a grandiose sense of self-
importance. Even if you’re better looking than them, they will make
you feel that you’re not special enough to deserve their attention.
They deliberately keep you waiting by taking a long time to reply to
messages. They’d rather a woman chase them than be the ones
doing the pursuing and the more you chase them, the more their
egos grow. They will only chase if they don’t see that you’re very
interested in them. Narcissists take ages to message you first if you
match with them (if they do at all) because they’re waiting for you
to initiate the chat. A gentleman, however, will always initiate the
chat if he’s interested in your profile and invest time in getting to
know you.
6. Their words don’t match their pictures. If they have some
aggressive-looking selfies (to look ‘hot’) or images where they’re
flexing muscles, but claim to be looking for a ‘pious wife’ to
complete half their deen, go to Hajj with, etc, run! Some come
across as religious bearded-men, but have a playboy look. Be wary
of these types, as they often use Islamic words and quotes to distract
you from their reality, which is, they’re narcissists who will control
practicing women with religion. They send kisses and emojis at the
end of sentences that show they’re immature and not who they say
they are.
7. They don’t have any passions or hobbies and feel intimidated by
yours. They won’t take much interest in, or inquire about your
passions, even when you mention them, as it makes them feel
jealous and hurts their sense of self-importance. So, if you own a
business or an art studio or offer a specialized service, they won’t
ask to see your website or talk about it in detail. They can’t bring
themselves to give you credit for your achievements because
according to them, doing that will lower their stardom in the
relationship. With time, you’ll find that they’re very boring to talk
to. They spend a lot of their time online finding victims, as they
don’t have much else in life to fill their days with. You may de-
activate your account and activate it again after a year or two when
you feel ready to resume your search and you’ll find that they’re
still on there! Sometimes they have different names too.
8. Narcissists hate being ignored or made to feel that you’re talking to
their competition, especially when they’re trying to love-bomb you
and showering you with attention and compliments to get you
addicted to them. They want to be the only one you’re talking to,
while they have their list of options. They may also ask you for
favours, such as to ‘lend them money’ or help them with something
work-related and may even pressure you to delete your account to
show them that you’re “serious” about getting to know them.
Narcissists are very suspicious people and will start to act very
controlling in the early stages of getting to know them. They won’t
trust what you say and will sometimes demand proof that you’re
spending Friday night with your friends and aren’t on a date with
someone else. They’re always paranoid because they lie so much to
people about what they’re doing and don’t want others doing it to
them. Too often they’re out meeting other people while they
constantly make sure that you aren’t, as they fear being discarded.
They’ll also get paranoid and uncomfortable when you tell them
you’re going to the gym or a wedding, as they assume that you’ll
find someone more attractive than them there.
9. If they tell you they will call you and they don’t, without any
explanation or apology and you call them out on it, they tell you
you’re “making a big deal about something very trivial” and that
you’re “overreacting” by choosing to ignore them afterwards. If you
ignore them and don’t respond to texts they will laugh and send
passive-aggressive messages, pretending not to know the reason is
because they’re ‘flaky’. Narcissists hate being called out on their
issues and will resent you for doing it. They’ll more often than not
disappear afterwards, as they realise they can’t be bothered to make
the efforts required to win you over or meet your standards.
10. They make inappropriate and offensive ‘jokes’. If you notice that
someone’s sugar coating personal attacks against you or others with
jokes then avoid this person, as they’re testing your level of
tolerance to disrespect. For example, you may open up to them
about something personal, such as you were raised by a single
parent and they may say something like, “I hope you don’t have
daddy (or mummy) issues” or if you tell them you go to the gym,
they may respond with “Why? Are you overweight?”.
11. After a few conversations on the app or other platforms like
WhatsApp, you’ll start to feel like an option among many. They’ll
appear online almost all the time, but will deliberately not open your
messages all day, just to show you that you aren’t important, after
giving you constant attention for days or weeks. This is the start of
their mind games. They do this to make you feel anxious and
worried that they may have lost interest. It makes them feel
important and superior.
12. After a few conversations, they may say things such as, “I’ve never
felt like this before”, “I never thought I would meet someone like
you”, “I didn’t believe that people like you existed” and “I’ve never
been on the phone with someone for this long before”. They may
even say that it’s the first time they try online dating, when in
reality, they’ve been on five different apps for the last five years.
13. Narcissistic men love to take photos with dogs, wear chains, have a
boyish haircut and beard style and like to act ‘cool’. In general, men
who pose with dogs always put practicing Muslims off, because it’s
a sign they don’t pray or don’t care much about their prayers. In
Islam, it’s not permitted for Muslims to keep pet dogs, as they’re
considered to be dirty animals that can’t clean themselves and so
people will need to fully wash every time a dog touches them,
before they can pray, which is a hassle.
14. They’ll impress you and mirror what you say, agree with your
opinions and viewpoints and will say that they love everything you
love, such as food, music, movies and so on. They’re like
chameleons who’ll adapt to make it look like you’ve found your
soul mate. They’ll also call you names such as ‘baby’, ‘honey’,
‘wifey’, ‘beautiful’ and ‘handsome’ from as early as the day you
match with them to get you warmed up for the love-bombing to
come. Some will even tell you that they’re in love with you before
they’ve even met you or shortly after a first meeting because they
“feel” you’re “the one”. If you cringe when receiving those
messages, your gut is warning you. These feelings aren’t genuine
and are a major red flag.  
15. If they like you, they’ll want exclusivity and are quick to escalate
things to ensure that they’ve ‘captured you, which they’ll do by
making rapid declarations of love and intentions to marry. They’ll
want you off the app as soon as possible to stop you from meeting
anyone else. Narcissists will never be exclusive with you, even if
they want it from you. They can juggle multiple people at the same
time and get what they want from each source of supply. They also
prefer people who reply to them right away and who are ready to
serve their egos at all times. If they have a few victims and one of
them is busy, they can easily contact another. This immediate source
of supply is extremely important to them. Narcissists always keep
their options open, regardless of how wonderful you are.
16. If they find someone better than you, they’ll ghost you with no
explanation and often re-appear days, weeks or months later if that
source of supply figured them out and left, or if she was discarded
by the narcissist because she didn’t live up to his expectations.
You’ll often find them lurking on your social media.
17. They speak badly about their exes but don’t reveal much about what
happened to cause the relationship(s) to end. To a narcissist, it’s
usually the fault of the ex (because they stopped accepting the abuse
and complying with the narcissist’s demands) and they always play
the victim. A pro narcissist will acknowledge that he had a part to
play in the failure of the relationship to impress you with his
honesty and maturity and make it look like he can address his faults.
He does this to gain your trust so that you believe he’s genuine and
wants to improve.
18. Their body language says it all. Do they look arrogant? Do they look
like they have a big ego? Do they have a cold hard look in their
eyes? Do they look like playboys? Are they flashing a full-set-of-
teeth smile for the selfie? Chances are they had to really make an
effort faking that one. Are they revealing parts of their body that
should be covered? Do they come across as non-practicing? Do they
take a lot of pictures with children to make themselves look lovable
and cute? Do they regularly post silly-face images to look fun? Does
their profile caption match their photos? Have they used
inappropriate language in their profile? Do they joke a lot? (i.e., “I
want a wife who can cook and clean – joking!” or “Looking for my
sugar mama”) and have they not bothered to fill out a profile at all?
If the answer to these is yes, please do yourself a favour and swipe
left and don’t accept any message requests from them.
19. Beware of those who come across as snobbish right at the start. If
someone doesn’t bother to be humble at a stage when everyone puts
their best foot forward, they’re way too arrogant and full of
themselves to respect anyone. The “You’d be too lucky to know me”
types who like to show that they’re so confident in themselves and
don’t feel the need to be pretentious. These men usually come from
wealthy families and pose for the camera in their best suit while
holding a cigar or sitting in a Bentley. They brag about liking the
finer things in life and that they fly first class. Men like this are
extremely shallow and want Barbie doll girls whom they can
manipulate, control and use as trophies. Women who are
materialistic also want someone wealthy to maintain their lifestyle
or meet their required standard of living.
20. They’ll ask you for a lot of photos, especially full-body ones and
video calls to ‘check’ you meet their standards of attractiveness. In
just a few days after meeting them, you’ll find yourself sending lots
of photos to them and wasting time on calls because they’re bored
and want to be entertained. They do it sneakily by saying things
like, “Hey, missing your pretty face, send me a selfie right now”. If
you wear hijab, they will request to see photos without it. They’ll
also ask you at random times for photos to check how you look. If
you don’t send them photos (this can apply to women too), they’ll
simply ignore you and move onto someone else. Narcissists are
extremely shallow and if even one of your photos looks unappealing
to them, because they didn’t like the angle of the photo, they’ll stop
contacting you. A normal person will prefer to meet you in person to
see if there’s any attraction than asking for lots of unnecessary
photos. Good men will understand that sending pictures to a stranger
is uncomfortable for you and will respect that.
21. They’ll either be in a major rush to get married and write on their
profiles that they have issues with shallow and materialistic people
or they’ll disappear and stop responding when you mention that you
want to get your wali involved in the process. A narcissist will use
any trivial excuse he or she can grab hold of (or just ghost you)
when they realise that the person they’re talking to is smart and isn’t
falling for their love-bombing. Narcissists have serious commitment
issues and very rarely meet you with good intentions, regardless of
what they say. They have too many options to even consider
committing to someone, even if you’re a great person and so if you
can’t be played, they’ll simply move onto someone else. Some low-
level narcissists may also feel a little guilty if they know the person
they’re speaking to is a good God-fearing person and may send a
message out of the blue to apologise and say that they aren’t ready
for a serious relationship, enabling them to exit the situation. This
usually happens if they’re already married or know that they won’t
be able to get what they want from you, i.e., sex. These messages
usually leave the recipient baffled and hurt, as things seemed to go
so well. This is the explanation for it and the closure you need, so
don’t take it personally. It’s always about them.
Talking to strangers online has become the equivalent of swimming in

shark-infested waters. You have to be very careful who you talk to, who you
invest your time and emotions in and what information you give to people.
The chances that you’re talking to narcissists are, unfortunately, very high. I
strongly recommend you to check who these people follow and interact
with on social media to gain a better and more realistic understanding of
them. If a Muslim man likes and follows accounts of half-naked women, or
if a woman is following playboy accounts and interests that reflect a
shallow mindset, it’s better to move on and not entertain them. If they claim
that they don’t have social media accounts, it’s possibly because they want
them to be hidden from you so that their activities and realities aren’t
exposed.
A friend called me recently to tell me about a man she had met on a
Muslim marriage app. He had three children from a previous marriage. She
told him that as a woman with no children, she wasn’t very comfortable
living with his children, especially because he was unable to provide her
with the standard of life she was used to. He said that he was ready to make
cuts in his children’s allowances and that the savings he’s put aside for them
can go towards her dowry. He wanted to show her that she’ll be his priority
and more important than his children, but it showed that he’s a toxic man to
deal with and among those who don’t take their duties towards God
seriously, even though he presented himself as being religious. Someone
who can easily violate God’s laws and transgress against the rights of others
to get what they want should be avoided at all costs, because if they can do
it to others, they can most certainly do it to you.
It is worth mentioning here that if you’re a single parent, it’s important to
take note of the type of questions someone asks you about your children. If
you’ve met someone who’s interested in you but has reservations about
your children, it needs to be discussed openly. They may hint at it from time
to time and show their disapproval of you wanting your children living with
you after marriage. Narcissistic people will try their best to eliminate your
children from their lives and even if they do accept their presence, they
won’t be great role models for them. They may ask questions such as, “Do
they have to stay with you?”, “How often do they go to their mum/dad?”,
“What if we want to go on a holiday? Do we have to take them with us?”,
“Are you expecting me to look after and/or provide for them?”, “They
should really be living with their mum/dad”, “I’m not comfortable with
your children living with us” and “Can your family have them most days
when we get married?” You’ll also find that they have no real interest in
knowing much about your children and aren’t too bothered about meeting
them and spending time with them. They have an attitude of indifference
towards them and don’t even try to find out things such as their ages, which
schools they go to and what they enjoy doing. All these questions and
attitudes are signs that they’re not accepting of your children and will create
problems later that will make life difficult. The only time they’ll make
efforts with your children is when they’re trying to make you fall in love
with them, so they can get what they want from you.
15. The Three Date Rule
Marriage is an obligation in Islam for a Muslim who fears he or she may

commit zina. However, it’s considered to be a sunnah (prophetic way of
life) for those who are able to control their sexual desires, but have the
means and health to marry and have children. If a woman needs looking
after (help to be clothed, fed and housed) and/or fears being taken
advantage of by immoral men, then marriage becomes an obligation upon
her, as it’s protection from harm and resorting to unlawful ways to earn a
living. It also becomes an obligation when someone’s going through
hardships, as a result of suppressing sexual desires and not being in a loving
romantic relationship, which can be the cause of mental health issues, such
as depression and anger. Many prominent Muslim scholars have claimed,
based on the Hadiths of The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), that if a man has a
strong desire for women and can’t be patient, but he can afford to pay
dowry and support a wife, then he becomes a sinner if he doesn’t get
married. Therefore, Muslim men who have stable jobs and can afford to
have a wife but choose to spend their rizq on relationships and women who
aren’t lawful for them are considered to be among the worst men of our
Ummah. This is a very serious matter, as they’re abandoning the needs of
Muslim women who can only marry Muslim men. On the other hand, a
woman who refuses a marriage proposal of a suitable, compatible and God-
fearing man for shallow reasons is considered to be someone who’s
harming herself and rejecting rizq that has been sent her way. Marriage is
very important in Islam and those who marry and create peaceful homes in
which God is loved are among the high-ranking Muslims. Although it’s
highly rewarded by God, as it takes great efforts to stay chaste, being
celibate isn’t encouraged in Islam, because it’s not a healthy state to be in
and we’re meant to marry at a young age. Nothing stops healthy, capable
and single men and women from getting married to good people except
immorality. I often hear people telling and advising each other to not get
married as it’s a ‘headache’ and “you’ll be stuck with the same person for
the rest of your life”, however, a Muslim should know that anyone who
encourages you to stay away from something God and our Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) told us to do is leading you away from Islam. Many
people wrongly advise others due to their own bad experiences and poor
choices of partners, but at the end of the day even they wish to be married
to good people. Strong believers are those who love to follow the sunnah of
our Prophet (pbuh) and won’t hesitate to get married when an offer comes
to them from someone who’s a practicing Muslim and has great character
and morals. When it comes to the type of man a Muslim woman should
marry, The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) advised:
“When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to
marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will
be corruption and great evil on earth.”
This Hadith is very important to understand the type of man women
should choose to have a blessed and happy marriage with. First of all, The
Prophet (pbuh) mentioned that someone’s religion and character should be
the main criteria for consideration. It is not safe to judge a man based on his
outward practicing of Islam alone, regardless of how many times he prays
in the mosque or preaches on social media, if he doesn’t have a strong
moral character to support that. We live in a time where dating is
unfortunately inevitable. Most Muslim men these days, especially in
western countries, won’t consider a woman who doesn’t at least agree to go
out for coffee. As long as it’s in a safe public environment with the
knowledge of their families and both are ethically within their limits, it’s
Islamically acceptable. However, from the experiences of many women,
I’ve learned that women should try The Three Date Rule with Muslim men
who appear to be both practicing and believing. Unlike non-Muslims,
Muslim men understand that the ultimate goal of dating should be marriage.
Therefore, it shouldn’t be surprising for Muslim men when they’re asked to
meet with the father or brother of a woman they’re interested in.
“There is no blame upon you for that to which you [indirectly] allude
concerning a proposal to women or for what you conceal within yourselves
[your romantic feelings towards them]. Allah knows that you will have them
in mind. But do not promise them secretly except for saying a proper saying
[to their families]. And do not pursue to undertake a marriage contract
until the decreed period reaches its end [if she is in her iddah after a
divorce or death of a husband]. And know that Allah knows what is within
yourselves, so beware of Him. And know that Allah is Forgiving and
Forbearing.”
This verse addresses men who make promises of marriage to women in
private, but don’t keep their word, which results in pain, disappointment
and depression when their hopes and dreams are shattered. Many women
have found that when a relationship becomes more serious and they request
a man to speak to their male relatives, the men disappear, make excuses, say
they’re not ready to do so or claim that they’re feeling pressured. This often
results in women wasting a lot of time on men who aren’t serious to begin
with or aren’t even sure if they want to marry them or not, even after being
together for weeks, months or years! It is no wonder we’re seeing so many
online memes, Tik Tok and Instagram videos and posts about ‘flaky’
Muslim men. Women from all walks of life are complaining about the
difficulties they’re facing in finding sincere Muslim men to marry.
In my opinion, the best way to save time, emotions and energy with
potential partners would be to arrange up to three meetings/dates in a safe
and public environment and see how you feel. Some people prefer to take a
chaperone or brother with them, while others choose not to until they decide
whether or not they want to continue talking to someone. Meeting in open
public places will help you to avoid falling into sin and ruining a potentially
great relationship. Don’t invite men or women to your house at all if you
live alone. Avoiding this will protect you and help to build a strong
foundation of respect and trust from the beginning. By the third date, if
everything goes very well, then you can request a man to meet a male
relative if he hasn’t suggested it already to ensure that he has genuine
intentions towards you. If men avoid this or create an issue, then it’s best to
stop communicating with them at this point. Many people these days think
that it’s far too early to get family involved at this stage, but Abdullah Ibn
Masoud (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“O young men, those among you who can support a wife financially should
marry, for it restrains the eyes (from casting lustful glances) and preserves
one from immorality; but he who cannot afford it should observe fast for it
is a means of controlling the sexual desire.”
A lot of men who read this Hadith will say that it’s very difficult to fast
all the time, however, The Prophet (pbuh) said it not to make life difficult,
but to motivate men to make greater efforts to achieve financial stability
and marry while they’re still young. Any man considering marriage should
be able to provide for a wife, making him more attractive to women. I’ve
seen that men are sincerer and work harder when they’re married at a young
age, as they understand their duties and honour the oath they made with
God to look after and honour their wives, who are rizq for them. One of the
main issues that women are having with Muslim men is their lack of
financial stability and the inability to be sole providers. Women highly
admire men who are able to look after them financially and cover the
expenses of their needs. Many complain that a high number of Muslim men
who haven’t bothered to save their money over the years, blew all their
savings on pointless material things and unlawful relationships and didn’t
work hard enough to have stable jobs and careers, have the audacity to
expect women to lower their dowry requests and marriage expenses to
make getting married an ‘easier process’. Men who have inspiring fathers
and role models who have set an excellent example of how women should
be treated, will most likely implement the same values in their own
marriages and not be like this. Men who have been raised by loving single
mothers are also more likely to know their duties and treat women well.
When a man who’s financially ready to marry takes the initiative to speak to
your wali and begin the marriage process correctly, you’ll see these positive
outcomes:
1. How interested in you he actually is, rather than how much he says
he is. If he really thinks you’re compatible and suitable for him,
he’ll have no issues speaking to a male relative.
2. It encourages him to do the right thing and man up because he
sincerely wants what is halal. Allowing a man to treat you as a
girlfriend is neither good for your iman nor his. It also makes him
lazy and more prone to keeping his options open.
3. It prevents secret marriages in which a woman is deprived of most
of her marital rights.
4. If he claims that it’s far too early to speak to your wali, then you
know he wasn’t serious or that interested. This is good, as it allows
you to cut it short from the beginning and not lose precious time,
feelings and energy on someone who doesn’t want to do the right
thing.
5. It will show how ‘religious’ and pious’ he is in reality, as opposed to
what he claims to be.
6. It will elevate your value in his eyes as someone who respects
herself, has moral standards and respects her Islamic values. Men
take women more seriously and are careful about how they treat
them once male relatives get involved, as they’ll have respect for
them too.
With that said, it’s important to touch upon the subject of rushing into a
marriage. Many modern-day dating and marriage coaches often encourage
their clients and social media followers to not rush into a relationship or
marriage with someone, just in case he or she is incompatible or turns out to
be a narcissist or psychopath. The western dating culture has encouraged
people to stay together for months and years, until they’re one hundred
percent sure they want to marry them. It is considered to be highly
abnormal to marry someone within three to six months of knowing them.
The rise in narcissism among Muslims has surely planted fears in people
who want to get married, especially those who are divorced and so when
good Muslim men propose marriage within the first two weeks of knowing
a woman or are keen to not delay the whole marriage process, for religious
reasons, then women can freak out, panic and turn the proposals down,
assuming the men have a sinister agenda for rushing. A lot of good men and
women who don’t want to delay marriage may be perceived as narcissists
who are trying to love-bomb people and “trap them fast”, when that’s not
the case. It was narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“Do not postpone three things: prayer when it is time for it, a funeral when
it is ready and the marriage of an unmarried woman when a suitable match
is found.”
(Ibn Majah, 1486)
Satan does a great job of preventing people from accepting early
marriage proposals. Many find excuses to get out of accepting them and
may place obstacles in the way, but at the same time complain that other
people they’re interested in are delaying the marriage process and don’t get
their families involved after weeks or months of getting to know them. If a
man doesn’t display narcissistic traits, is mentally and financially ready for
marriage, has a great social reputation, involves his family and strives to do
right by God and women, then his marriage proposal must be taken
seriously if male relatives or guardian(s) like and approve of him. Likewise,
if a good woman has requested that a man who is interested in her speaks to
her male relative early on, then it’s advised to respect and take that
seriously too, as it will increase the happiness and blessings in that
relationship when it starts in the right way that is pleasing to God. There’s
nothing strange or wrong with being married within the first three months
of getting to know someone, if you find them to be compatible and good for
your life, wellbeing and religion. The wedding celebrations and furnishing
of the marital home can be postponed, but the Islamic marriage ceremony is
recommended to take place, even if it’s just between both families. If
families wish to wait a bit longer before rushing into a Nikah, then a formal
engagement can take place that states you’re both getting to know each
other with everyone’s knowledge and are committed to getting married
soon. After that, if all goes well, then a marriage ceremony can be arranged.
It’s best to always remember that you’ll never truly know someone until
you marry them and so being in an unlawful relationship for a long period
of time is pointless. People will expose who they are in just the first few
meetings, but most people are blind to the signs that give them away. I’ve
seen people who made the decision to marry complete strangers within two
months of knowing them, because they saw that they were good people and
God placed immense blessings into their marriages, because they did what
was right. The whole process from the first meeting to the marriage should
be a smooth, easy and swift process when followed correctly. The more we
complicate, materialize and postpone marriage, the more social issues we
will face and the more Muslim men become less interested in getting
married at a young age. The happiest couples are those who worked on
themselves had great relationships with God before they got married and
did everything with the sincere intention of pleasing Him only. When you
take a mindful risk on someone for the sake of God, you can only win. I
emphasize on the word ‘mindful’ here, because some people compromise a
lot on their standards, deal breakers and principles, for the sake of God, to
make the marriage process easier for someone who doesn’t deserve it or is
taking advantage. Being mindful means that you know the person you’re
going to marry is very suitable for you and meets your requirements when it
comes to character, morals, financial stability, mentality and religion.
Muslim narcissists fear the presence of a woman’s strong relationship
with a caring father, protective brothers and other male relatives in her life,
so they often steer clear of women who have a strong support system. They
will try to (directly and indirectly) assess their relationships with the men in
their lives from the beginning to see if they’re suitable targets or not. If they
find that women are alone or have careless fathers and brothers, they’ll
know that it will be easier for them to deceive them with their charm, as
they don’t have people to supervise and ‘vet them’. They pursue
‘vulnerable’ women aggressively, making promises such as, “I’ll step up to
look after you”, I’ll never abandon you” and “I’ll protect you”. These
women will see this as very sweet and endearing, whilst not knowing that
the narcissists have simply figured out where their vulnerabilities lie and
use them to gain trust. They may also pick up on their naivety and/or
insecurities about being a divorcee or single mother, or that they really want
to get married but don’t have many options.
Due to these reasons among many others, Islam requires that male
relatives and appointed guardians enquire about a man who’s come with a
marriage proposal and find out about his character in different
environments, such as his workplace, social circle and local mosque. If this
responsibility is left to the woman herself, she can be blinded to many red
flags, as a result of being infatuated and impressed by the man who takes
very good care to present himself as an ideal partner. Love-bombing aims to
distract women from the early red flags that appear in a narcissist, however,
men pick up on them quickly in others, don’t brush them off and will
address them immediately. Men will find out everything they need to know
about someone, such as what he does to earn a living, if he’s involved in
illegal things, if he has a criminal record, if he prays, if he has girlfriends,
who his friends are and where he socialises with them, if he’s known in his
local mosque, if he smokes drugs and if he has a good reputation in general.
It is important to know what type of friends a man has and how much time
he spends with them, because a person’s character is reflected in the
company he or she keeps. If his friends are drug dealers or playboys who
like to chase girls etc then it’s definitely not a good sign.
A man’s fitrah will never change and if he’s mindful of the boundaries
stipulated in Islam, he’ll respect you and will try to win over your wali first.
The presence of the wali encourages young men in particular to deal with
the subject of marriage more maturely. If you don’t have a male relative to
be your wali, or have male relatives who are abusive, neglectful and/or have
abandoned you, you can ask a brother-in-law, neighbour, family friend or
someone respected in your community to meet and assess him. If you don’t
have anyone at all, the task may be harder to vet him, but the goal behind
this book is to help you identify and protect yourself from predators,
regardless of whether you have a family and social support system in place
or not. Be warned though, some narcissists will agree to speak to your male
relative at an early stage, should he find great benefits in you, but they’ll
usually sense something ‘off’ about him instantly and won’t be
comfortable. A sincere piece of advice here is that if you have a good
relationship with your wali, then trust his opinion, as men know each other
far better. My brother’s opinion was right every single time when it came to
analysing the characters of men who asked for my hand in marriage and he
pointed out some red flags that I’d missed and wasn’t aware of at the time.
Don’t let premature infatuation get in the way of other men’s sincere
judgement of him and please, for the love of God, don’t fall out with your
family over him! The same goes for men who wish to enquire about
women. They would need to involve female members of their family to ask
about her in the community and it’s best to trust the opinions of women on
other women, who are able to recognise the red flags men may miss.
In the earlier Hadith that’s mentioned in this section, The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) doesn’t say that a man needs to be financially
successful or good-looking to qualify as a husband because these
requirements and preferences differ from woman to woman. Instead, he
talks about the character of a person and emphasizes that it’s rarer to find a
believing and practicing Muslim with good morals. God promises this type
of man that he’ll be provided for, firstly with a righteous wife and secondly,
with provision as a reward for doing what’s right. Therefore, financial
stability here isn’t the priority, as a young Muslim who hasn’t established
himself yet in his career should trust that God will provide for him.
“And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male
slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from
His bounty and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.”
It is better for a young man (from the age of eighteen) to get married,
even if he can’t fully afford it, to a girl his age who he may meet at college
or university, to protect them from zina. When he’s able to move out and
provide for her, he’ll find that God will open doors of rizq for him. The
protection of Muslims from the fitnah (trials and temptations) of unlawful
relationships is crucial for a healthy society, which is why the third part of
the Hadith emphasizes the dangers of making marriage difficult for the
youth. When well-intentioned and God-fearing Muslim men and women
find it difficult to marry because they weren’t considered to be beautiful
enough, old enough, educated enough or financially well-off; their
attraction towards unlawful relationships will grow stronger, which leads
towards more disruption in the social system. This drives some people, who
were once pious, to fall down a slippery slope and engage in sins, as they’re
frustrated and unable to get married easily. I came across some posts written
by young Muslim men on Twitter who shared their stories about how the
judgemental attitudes of some families and Muslim women led them to
abandon plans for marriage. They wrote that they used to be practicing
Muslims but lost a lot of their faith and became resentful because of the
constant rejection they experienced by the Muslims they met. Instead, they
gave up pursuing a halal relationship and looked for girlfriends.
Relationships with girlfriends were easier for them financially, as they
weren’t expected to shoulder any responsibilities. This problem has created
a generation of Muslim playboys who are used to their sinful ways to the
point where they’re unable to get married to good people and have stable
families, because they have bad social reputations. Some playboys, unlike
narcissists, have spiritual issues that develop from young adulthood rather
than their childhood. For example, a Muslim may become a playboy, due to
him being discarded by a woman he loves, being repeatedly rejected for
marriage and struggling to be financially ready for it. Some of these players
will sometimes see a window of opportunity to stop their sins, repent and
change once they become ready for marriage and meet a Muslim woman
they like.
The third Hadith I’d like to mention in this section is the one that
emphasizes the importance of looking for a pious wife, as this shows how
committed a man is to Islam. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
“A woman may be married for four reasons: for her wealth, her social
status, her beauty and her religion. Seek the one who is religious, so you
may prosper.”
He (pbuh) also said:
“The whole world is a provision (rizq) and the best provision is a pious
woman.”
(Sahih Muslim, 715)
From this Hadith, we can see that pious spouses are beautiful gifts from
God, as they’ll accompany us on our journey back to The Hereafter. Islam
strongly encourages believing men to choose a woman based on her moral
character and religious qualities. Of course, physical attraction and cultural
compatibility are a must too, but they shouldn’t be prioritised over
someone’s character and religion. If we take the time to ponder on this
Hadith, we can observe that it indirectly teaches women about the nature of
men and what they want and look for. The Hadith doesn’t say that it’s
acceptable to marry a woman for her beauty, wealth or social status, but
rather makes us understand that these are the main reasons that motivate
men to marry women. Have you noticed that love isn’t among them? It is
not in a man’s nature to marry for love because for a man, love develops
after living with a woman and testing her loyalty, resilience, qualities and
respect for him. This is why God mentions in The Qur’an that once a
couple gets married, He will place love, mercy and affection between them.
We see a lot of western men marry for love because they’ve lived with their
girlfriends for years and have gone through many experiences and trials that
tested and strengthened their relationship. However, because Muslims
aren’t permitted to do this, women are indirectly warned by The Prophet
(pbuh) about men who claim to want to marry them because of love, when
it’s not in their nature to do so. A man will appeal to a woman’s emotional
needs in order to get what he wants from her, which is why so many ‘love
marriages’ don’t last very long because what they thought was love was just
strong infatuation. People’s feelings always change once they realise they
married the wrong person. It is in a man’s nature to always look for benefits
from his investments and a pious woman possesses the most benefits for
him in this life and The Hereafter. If a man believes he’ll benefit more from
a woman’s wealth, beauty or social status then he’ll pursue her instead.
Therefore, the outcome and survival of a marriage is determined by the
reason a man pursues a woman for marriage (and vice versa). Wealth,
beauty and social status can all change and leave us, as they’re beneficial
for this world only, but those who are truly pious will make sure they fulfil
their duties, that they beautify themselves for their spouses, that they’re
loyal, kind, appreciative, supportive and raise their children with important
Islamic values. Some women can lose their faith too after marriage (if they
marry narcissists), which is why it’s incredibly important for women to
marry pious men who can support them during their hardships. Many
people think that this Hadith only applies to women, when in fact it applies
to men too. Women are also required to purify their intentions and choose
the men who are religious and with good character, so that they prosper. If
any of the other three qualities are found in a pious man or woman, then
they’re considered to be special and high-value. An example of an
exceptional woman who possessed all four qualities was Khadijah (ra).
A steady romantic relationship that’s built over time with someone who
loves God and is kind becomes far more stable in the long run than a
whirlwind romance with someone charming. Through my experience as a
counsellor, I’ve found that the most successful relationships and marriages
weren’t built on physical attraction and material possessions, but rather,
genuine friendships. Chemistry and financial stability are necessities that
are required for a marriage to work, but when things change with time and
circumstances, such as a drop in finances, unemployment, illness and the
changes our bodies go through as we age and go through childbirth etc, our
relationships are saved by much deeper things. During hardships, it’s more
comforting to be with someone kind, patient, loyal, intellectual, wise,
affectionate, understanding, compassionate, gentle and reliable, than
someone who’s gorgeous and wealthy but isn’t comforting or good
company. While having a handsome man or beautiful woman by your side
is definitely a bonus, their good character will be far more attractive to you
in the long run when you need their support. Being able to enjoy your
spouse’s company is truly a blessing and keeps a marriage strong.
“The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best
character among them. And the best of you are those who are best to your
women (and families).”
The best ways to meet people who have a higher chance of being
compatible with you are through mutual family and friendship connections
and activity circles. If you enjoy attending Islamic lectures, you may make
some friends there who have single brothers and sisters, or if you like to go
to art classes, libraries, charity events or work in a Muslim business, you’ll
find these places and platforms will facilitate a more fruitful meeting
between people who want to get married. I know, it’s easier said than done,
as not all of us belong to healthy or supportive Muslim communities, have
the right friendship circles, know enough people who can recommend
someone to us or attend lectures and events. However, we can all make the
effort to join activities, events and classes to better the chances of meeting
someone who shares the same beliefs, interests and moral values. If you
don’t know where to begin, try searching for activity groups on Facebook to
join, as they usually organise regular events.
16. The Social Problems Muslim Narcissists
Cause
There are many consequences of dealing with narcissists and allowing them
to enter your life on a personal level. I find that most people underestimate
how detrimental it can be to your life, faith and overall well-being when
you choose to get involved with them and tolerate their behaviour. It is
important to talk about the negative effects that Muslim narcissists have on
men, women, society and the Ummah as a whole that’s suffering profoundly
because of this spiritual disease. Breaking free from a relationship with a
narcissist can be extremely challenging and is easier said than done. The
effects of their abuse can linger long after you’ve released yourself from
their grip. The effect that regular emotional, physical and spiritual abuse
can have on you steals your ability to enjoy life. Narcissists will make you
believe that you can’t live a full, happy and meaningful life unless you’re
with them. They’ll tell you that you’re nothing without them, that no one
will ever love or want you like they do, that no one understands you and
cares for you like they do and that “good Muslims don’t divorce”, to keep
you trauma bonded to them. If you’re a parent, they’ll make you believe
that no one will want to be with you because of your “baggage” and so it’s
best you stay with them. It’s the fear and doubts that keep their victims in
the relationship, as they believe that the narcissists may be right.
So, whether you feel stuck with a narcissist without any hope of getting
out of your situation or have managed to free yourself from their grip,
they’ll continue to give you problems, if you aren’t healed from their
trauma, even after your relationship is over. Some people experience
nightmares involving their abusers for years, while others feel distraught at
the fact they need to resume a long-term relationship with them because
they have children. Therefore, it’s very important for those who don’t have
any ties with them, such as in business, house ownership or children to
leave as soon as possible, if they can and if it’s safe to do so. If we continue
to stay with narcissists and tolerate their abuse, the following will happen:
1. Our society will go back to resemble pre-Islamic Arabia:

If we look at how pagan men treated their women in pre-Islamic
Arabia (Jahileyya), it will become clear where Muslim patriarchal
mindsets came from. Contrary to common beliefs, Islam isn’t a
patriarchal religion and doesn’t promote it. In fact, The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) was sent by God to give slaves, women and
children their rights whilst abolishing many pagan rulings that
included oppressive patriarchal practices. Muslim narcissists continue
to thrive in patriarchal societies and if their communities don’t support
them, they’ll enforce their patriarchy at home. Prominent tribal
leaders, such as Abu Jahl of The Makkan Quraysh tribe, who was the
paternal uncle of The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), possessed every
kind of narcissistic trait. They were tyrants and exercised their power
in society without any moral consideration for others. Women and
slaves were dispensable and it wasn’t possible for people whom they
considered inferior to rise to ‘their level’. When The Prophet (pbuh)
came with the message of Islam to his people, the elite tribe members
rejected it, because accepting it meant that they agree to become equal
to women and slaves and that was impossible for them. They couldn’t
imagine giving up their status, lifestyle and power and continued to
reject and fight The Prophet (pbuh), even though they knew he was
telling the truth. The Prophet (pbuh) was known among his people as
an incredibly honest person (Al Sadiq Al Amin) who never lied and so
it was only their arrogance that held them back from accepting Islam.
Arrogance is at the root of narcissism, as it came from Satan when he
refused to accept Prophet Adam (as) as a special creation of God.
Satan’s arrogance is the highest level of arrogance because unlike
mankind, he was in the presence of God and knows what He’s capable
of. He’s a firm believer in The Last Day, Heaven, Hell, The Angels
and Prophets and everything else God created, but still chose to defy
Him. Therefore, his insistence on challenging The One who created
him, made him the father of narcissists and guaranteed his place in
hell. The Prophet (pbuh) said:
“No one will enter Paradise who has even a mustard seed’s weight of
arrogance in his (or her) heart.”
Many men at the time of The Prophet (pbuh) possessed Satan’s traits
and it was a very difficult mission for him to civilize his people, teach
them morals and re-structure the framework of society. In pre-Islamic
Arabia, women had no legal status and inheritance was only passed
through the men in the family. In many cases, women were a part of a
man’s inheritance too, as they were treated as property. An abominable
part of their culture was that sons could inherit their stepmothers, if
their father died, as wives (a man couldn’t marry his own biological
mother) if they wished, or marry them off to men from other tribes in
return for a large dowry, which would be theirs to keep. This was an
oppressive practice that created disruption in the society and degraded
women. The Prophet (pbuh) conveyed God’s word to his people to re-
establish justice.
“And do not marry those [women] whom your fathers married, except
what has already occurred. Indeed, it was an immorality and hateful
[to Allah] and evil as a way.”
Women were also unable to own land and property and didn’t have
the right to divorce their husbands, be politicians and weren’t
consulted in important matters. It was common for fathers to kill
female babies and infants by burying them alive, as they were
considered to be a liability and cause of shame.
“And when the girl [who was] buried alive is asked [on The Day of
Judgement], for what sin she was killed.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Takwir: 8-9)
Men who had daughters were ridiculed in pagan society, so even if
(the more empathic) fathers didn’t want to, they had to get rid of them
unless they were born into elite tribes. The time of birth was very
traumatic for women as they feared giving birth to a baby girl. Tribal
leaders forced this atrocious act of cruelty upon most men because
they feared that if they lose a battle, their enemies would take their
women as property (wives and slaves) along with the war booty and so
they’d kill them as infants to save them the humiliation later. The
greatest humiliation they faced after losing a battle, which encouraged
them to kill baby girls, was seeing their women happy to stay with
their captors as wives and slaves and not trying to escape from them.
Women were married in exchange for property, such as land,
camels, sheep, horses and goats. They were perceived as business
deals and their marriages were often arranged for the economic
advantage of their families. Until now, it’s common in parts of Arabia
(The tribal Gulf regions in particular) for a bride’s family to ask for
large sums of money and material possessions, such as new cars, land
or property in return for a woman who is beautiful or who belongs to
an elite tribe. These would all go to her family and the bride would be
given a specific amount or share as her dowry. After marriage, she’d
become her husband’s ‘property’ and reside permanently in his tribe.
During pre-Islamic Arabia, it was common for a woman to cut off all
ties with her family after marriage. Her primary purpose would be to
have as many children as possible to increase the size of the tribe. The
more sons she had, the higher her status would be amongst her
husband’s many other wives. She’d receive more gifts than the others
who’d be shamed and divorced if they were unable to get pregnant or
give birth to boys. As mentioned earlier, sometimes the elite men
tested women before marriage to see if they were fertile and able to
conceive and if they did, they’d marry them. The Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) addressed this immoral act with verses of The Qur’an about the
evil practice of unlawful sexual intercourse.
Only sons could inherit land and property, as they increased the
wealth of the tribe and fought in battles, while women cooked meals,
fed the animals, washed clothes, harvested crops, spun wool and wove
fabric for tents, war equipment and clothes. If a woman was from an
elite family, such as the daughter of a tribal leader, then she’d enjoy a
more comfortable and luxurious lifestyle. She had a better home,
exclusive rights to some inheritance and valuable gifts, such as silk
clothes and gold jewellery. She was also not expected to do any of the
laborious work that other women did and her husband or male relatives
would buy female slaves to serve her. These women received the same
treatment when they’d get married. Most of the women were war
captives and bought as wives or slaves. Men had complete control over
these women who had no freedom and were forced to follow their
husband’s/master’s orders. They were physically inspected for beauty,
health and strength. Some even went to the lengths of inspecting their
teeth, hair and body shape. This is a practice many prospective
narcissistic mothers-in-law continue to do in remote and traditional
villages in South Asia, Africa and Arabia when assessing potential
brides for their sons. A narcissistic son will often send his mother,
sister and/or auntie(s) to visit the home of a potential bride so that they
can check if she qualifies physically as a wife. This includes an
inspection of her clothes, hair, skin colour and weight.
Following the customs of the forefathers was one of the many
staunch practices of Jahiliyyah and so patriarchal attitudes were passed
down through generations until they reached the society we live in
today. When someone embraced Islam in the time of The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh), they had to make a statement that confirmed that
the way of their forefathers was wrong, so that they don’t mix toxic
cultural practices with their practicing of Islam. The Prophet’s (pbuh)
mission was to reform society, instil morals in his people and
encourage the continuation of good practices, such as treating guests
with generosity; an honourable custom Arabs were known and praised
highly for. This was his mission in Makkah before teaching them about
prayer, fasting and everything else Islam came with later when he
migrated to Madinah. Many men rejected the message of The Prophet
(pbuh) and refused to denounce the corrupt ways of their forefathers,
as Islam brought about inconveniences to them that included giving
women and slave’s rights, decreasing the number of wives they could
have, abolishing the consumption of alcohol, prohibiting them from
unlawful sexual enjoyment and stripping them of control over the
weak.
“And when it is said to them: ‘Come to what Allah has revealed and to
The Messenger’ They say: ‘Enough for us is that which we found our
fathers following’, even though their fathers had no knowledge
whatsoever and no guidance.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Ma’idah: 104)
This is an argument commonly used by the followers of Satan. Since
before the time of The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) until now, men
have mistreated women the way their ignorant patriarchal and
misogynistic fathers and grandfathers did. Narcissists find it very
difficult to follow Islam properly and so they must mix cultural
practices with it to have the power they crave. This is also a point of
concern because some non-Muslims and new Muslims come to believe
that Islam is oppressive and barbaric. Another issue is that people are
given what’s considered to be ‘an Islamic solution’ or fatwa to a
problem, when in fact it’s cultural. For example, many men believe
that a Muslim woman can’t get a divorce without their permission,
which is supported by many Shariah courts that keep women stuck in
toxic marriages for years. Women are repeatedly ordered by judges,
male relatives and even their mothers to remain patient and receive
rewards from God for doing so. The judges and scholars working in
these courts are supporting the patriarchal mindsets of men who
consider their women as property and believe they have the right to
deny them a divorce. The worst consequence of mixing culture and
religion is thousands of people being influenced by it and believing
that those in authority who have Islamic knowledge are practicing
Islam properly when they’re not. This is what continues the cycle of
people abusing Islam to get what they need from those who aren’t
educated or aware enough to separate culture from religion. Following
those who’ve been led astray will cause us to be led astray too and it’s
a shame that most people don’t make independent efforts to learn
about Islam properly, even though we’re privileged to have easy access
to an immense amount of knowledge. Narcissists are adamant about
following the culture when it suits them and don’t want to search for
the truth. They’ll dismiss anyone who teaches them about Islam in a
way that doesn’t serve their needs and agendas.
If more people took the time to read and educate themselves about
Islam with the right scholars who set an excellent moral example of
being practicing Muslims, it’ll considerably decrease the number of
people who get involved with narcissists who have problematic
cultural mindsets. Being more aware will help break the cycle of
patriarchal abuse that’s been passed down through generations, so that
it doesn’t reach and affect their own children. If most people did this,
we’d have a greater chance of living in a flourishing Muslim society
where it’ll be easier to practice Islam and enjoy being Muslims in the
correct and beautiful way. If we don’t, then The Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) warned us that our society will go back to resemble those of
pre-Islamic Arabia and unfortunately, we’re seeing that happen now.
The increase in Muslims who drink alcohol, aren’t trustworthy,
commit zina, oppress women, treat women as sexual objects and
property, abandon their young children to live as orphans, don’t treat
co-wives fairly, force women to stay in abusive marriages against their
will by refusing to give them a divorce, deceive women and children
out of their inheritance, don’t provide for their women, force women to
have abortions, treat their wives as slaves and who preach Islam but
don’t practice it, are crippling the foundations of our Ummah. If
Muslims don’t let go of patriarchal practices and mindsets, many will
lose their religion and faith and go back to living as pagans did. This is
a great dishonour to the efforts made by our Prophet (pbuh) who
worked so hard to make Muslims the best of people and a moral
example to the rest of the world.
2. They deplete you of your faith and you start to doubt God:
This is the most dangerous consequence of getting involved with a
narcissist and a common issue I’ve come across with women, in
particular, especially those who are new to Islam. People are abused in
the name of Islam to the point where they no longer want anything to
do with it. The constant bombardment of spiritual abuse in the form of
distorted Qur’an verses and Hadiths, as justification for abuse causes
them to resent God and The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). They start to
hold religion responsible for people’s bad treatment of them. I’ve come
across and heard of women who’ve stopped praying, stopped wearing
the hijab and stopped associating themselves with Islam and practicing
Muslims because they no longer wanted to belong to a religion they
believed oppressed and didn’t love women. Those who drive people
away from Islam will be held accountable by God. However,
narcissists don’t care if they do this to you because it’s their mission,
whether they subconsciously know it or not. I’ve come across wives
who were shouted at even while performing prayers, forced to have
sex while fasting during Ramadan and ridiculed for the way they read
The Qur’an. If a woman dares to stand up for herself and answer back,
the abuse intensifies with the justification that she’s being a
‘disrespectful and disobedient wife’.
Another reason that causes people to lose faith in Islam is
witnessing highly respected Muslim educators, Qur’an reciters,
nasheed artists, imams and scholars with a large following of students
being publicly exposed and shamed for committing acts that contradict
what they teach. They preach a lot but do the opposite in their personal
lives, neglecting the mighty responsibility they’ve chosen to carry as
community leaders and role models. Imams and scholars in particular
have to uphold a high level of morality, as there are eyes on them at all
times. Ironically, many of them forget that God is watching too. Some
of these scholars silence people by paying them to protect their
reputations, while others can’t be silenced and information about them
is spread like wildfire on social media. I can’t count the number of
cases that have involved imams and scholars sexually harassing
children, students and Muslim women. I know someone who was
harassed by the judge who issued her divorce in court. He’d request
her to come to his office after working hours to “talk about her case”
and when she refused, he’d repeatedly video call her on FaceTime and
send inappropriate messages. We’ve also heard of imams, judges and
scholars who’ve cheated people out of large sums of money,
properties, land and launching vicious and unethical court cases
against people they feel threatened by. The hypocrisy of imams and
scholars is a great danger to our Ummah, as it makes people question if
they’re strong enough to follow Islam correctly when even those who
are supposedly pious and highly knowledgeable, are unable to. It also
causes doubt in people’s mind about their teachings of Islam and if
what they’ve been teaching was even correct, as the contradiction
between their actions and words have left them confused. Most of
these people are unfortunately narcissists who use their Islamic
knowledge to elevate their status in society and become famous. Most
prominent scholars and imams, primarily in The Middle East, who
reach a high level, gain a lot financially and have a very comfortable
lifestyle, which makes it an appealing profession. You don’t have to
have faith as a prerequisite to be an educator, just the ability to learn,
so you can teach and preach. During The Islamic Golden Age and
before, scholars didn’t earn much money for teaching, as it wasn’t
their goal behind seeking beneficial knowledge. They were pious
enough to know that the more wealth they have, the more they’ll be
accountable for it, as it’ll surely become a test for them. God promises
to expose the hypocrites in this life and the next, as the humiliation
they’ll face is in itself a grand punishment that destroys their dignity,
ego and reputation. Without dignity and self-respect, the value of a
human being is destroyed. Mary (Maryam) (as) wished for death at the
time of giving birth to Jesus (Isa) (as), as she feared the pain of
childbirth, shame and loss of dignity when people start questioning her
about her child, knowing she wasn’t married (Al-Qur’an, Maryam:
23).
Satan uses hypocrites and pretentiously religious people as his prime
soldiers to cause confusion and lead the public to lose trust and hope in
imams and scholars. The majority of young people prefer to follow
young preachers who are trending in social media. It’s always a red
flag and off-putting when the ‘scholar’ doing the preaching appears in
his videos wearing tight t-shirts to show off a ‘gym bod’ and takes a lot
of posed selfies in the car etc. There’s absolutely no need for a scholar
to be taking frequent selfies for his or her social media page, when all
what people need to see is knowledge. Personally, I highly recommend
Imam Omar Suleiman’s wonderful lessons and lectures by Yasir
Qadhi, Sheikh Hamza Yusuf and Yasmin Mogahed who aren’t only
excellent moral examples of practicing empathic Muslims, but explain
Islamic teachings in a logical, peaceful and beautiful manner. I also
recommend that you watch YouTube videos about narcissistic abuse.
The channel Narc Survivor is a particularly good one. Knowledge is
power and equipped with it, you can defend yourself and protect your
faith by recognizing that narcissists are trying to destroy it, so you can
be strong and resilient against their tricks. I personally found that my
faith became stronger when I invested my time into listening to
lectures and lessons. If narcissists are able to destroy your faith in God,
then they’ve accomplished the mission of Satan, so it’s always
important to be on your guard when you meet Muslims who make you
feel doubtful about God and Islam.
3. They don’t allow you to move on with your life:
Narcissists are relentless when it comes to hoovering valuable victims

back into their lives. It could happen during the relationship when they feel
that their partners are fed up, after their partners decide to leave them and
even after their partners had been discarded by them. Many narcissists
enjoy seeing people in pain and have no real intentions or capabilities to
make a relationship work, but they rope them back in because it gives them
a sense of achievement and an ego boost to know that people still want
them. They know that they should let people go to move on with their lives
and find better people to be with, but they don’t. They’re happy to waste
their time, youth and energy with fake promises of a future and lie about
being in love to keep them around. Also, no one switches on the charm
faster than a narcissist who needs something from someone.
A narcissist who has been discarded will always try the malignant hoover
bait, which is to appeal to what you love or need the most. For example,
they may offer you a great business opportunity, an expensive gift you’ve
hinted at for a while or make you feel important by talking about the non-
existent therapist they’ve been seeing for their awful behaviour, so that you
believe that they’ve changed for the better. On a more serious and toxic
level, some may harm your children (if your children are living with them)
by hitting or neglecting them, for example, so that you go back to them, out
of fear for their well-being and not having to go through an expensive and
stressful court procedure to get custody of them. I remember a client a few
years ago who told me about his wife who’d threatened that she’d commit
suicide if he didn’t return home. He moved in with his brother when he
could no longer bear to be in the marriage with her anymore and needed
some separation time. She sent photos to him through WhatsApp of her
cutting her arms and legs to make him feel guilty and terrible. It was so
traumatizing for him that he decided to go back, against his brother’s
advice. For six weeks she love-bombed him, manipulated him and
pretended she’d changed for the better, before slipping back into her old
ways of humiliating him in public, dismissing his feelings and role as a
husband and making him feel weak and useless. During the six weeks of
love-bombing, she fell pregnant and later used that as a way to keep him
locked into the relationship. She returned to her old abusive self once she
confirmed the pregnancy, knowing full well he wouldn’t make her abort the
baby or have the heart to leave. We had another counselling session after his
child was born and he was absolutely miserable. They had a turbulent
relationship during her difficult pregnancy, as she became extra hormonal
and abusive. Narcissists will take you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions
and most people aren’t prepared for it. She became worse when the child
was born, treating her husband like a slave, ordering him around,
threatening him, being unbearably demanding, controlling, suspicious and
paranoid, as she knew he was capable of walking out on her. If a narcissist
manages to hoover you back in, they’ll go out of their way to teach you a
lesson and punish you for leaving them and talking to other people about
your problems. They’ll never forgive or forget you ‘trying’ to leave them.
Many women don’t talk about their problems because they’re made to
believe by their husbands that Muslim women who reveal their marital
secrets will be ‘cursed’ and so God-fearing women think twice before
revealing any information to others. Narcissists will always hoover you
back in only to discard you later, because they absolutely must have the last
discard to move on with their lives. If you’re the one who discarded the
narcissist and cut all contact with them first, it leaves them in agony for
weeks, months and even years, as you managed to ‘escape’ before they
completed their mission.
A narcissist will also contact and love-bomb you when you’ve entered a
new relationship. They’ll take the opportunity to ‘confess’ that they made a
mistake, that they regret letting you go and that they miss you and still love
you, just for the satisfaction of causing some chaos and confusion in your
life. They may even just send some new fabulous photos of themselves or
an Eid greeting, just to play on your mind. This is Satan working hard
through them to try and break a (good) relationship. I’ve seen many women
become victims of narcissistic hoovering during a new relationship,
engagement or marriage, especially when they were going through a bad
patch with their partners. Jabir (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) said:
“Satan places his throne upon water; he then sends his soldiers (to create
dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in
creating dissension. One of them comes and says: ‘I did so and so’ and he
says: ‘You have done nothing.’ Then one amongst them comes and says: ‘I
did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband
and a wife.’ Then Satan goes near him and says: ‘You have done well.’”
The reason why Satan rewards the jinn who encourage and/or cause the
breaking of marriages is because the destruction of family units leads to the
destruction of society and when societies are corrupted, the Muslim Ummah
will no longer have a strong foundation to stand on, which, to him, means
that The Kingdom of God will crumble and his kingdom will stand strong.
The jinn qareen’s that accompany people work hard to fulfil this mission.
This can come in the form of people giving bad marital advice, causing
problems out of jealousy, spreading false rumours, lies and gossip and
revealing past secrets to someone about their husband or wife that would
cause them distress. In extreme cases narcissists may resort to visiting
magicians to use black magic on people, if they’re desperate. Since the
reign of Prophet Solomon (Sulaiman) (as), the jinn devils taught people
black magic and they used it specifically to separate husbands and wives
from each other.
“And they followed [instead] what the devils had recited during the reign of
[Prophet] Solomon. It was not Solomon who disbelieved, but the jinn who
disbelieved, teaching people [black] magic - and they learn from them that
by which they cause separation between a man and his wife. But they do not
harm anyone through it except by the permission of Allah.”
With the help of the unseen jinn, black magic created by magicians may
cause a husband to see his wife differently from how she really is, i.e.,
hideous and this makes him hate her (and vice versa). Black magic is a
major sin that continues to be practiced in many parts of the world until
today to harm people and it’s important to protect ourselves from it daily.
“The Messenger of Allah used to seek protection against the evil of jinn and
the evil eyes until Surah Al-Falaq and Surah Al-Nas were revealed. After
they were revealed, he took to them for seeking Allah’s protection and left
everything besides them.”
(Sunan Al-Tirmidhi, Book 9: 25)
Women who are hoovered during a new relationship or marriage face
many problems when their husbands find out about the narcissist ex who’s
still in contact. This creates suspicion and problems that can lead to a break-
up or more controlling behaviour at home. Be warned that if you choose to
leave a spouse to go back to the narcissist, or your spouse ends the
relationship, as they start to experience trust issues, the narcissist will
disappear and won’t be there to pick up the pieces and take responsibility
for what he or she has caused. To them, they’ve accomplished a mission
and it was never their intention to take you back and fulfil their fake
promises. If they do, which is very rare, they’ll use you for what they need
and then discard you, because they don’t trust you, as they witnessed you
leaving your relationship or marriage for them. A true Muslim would never
contact a man or woman again after they’ve moved on with someone else
out of fear of God and respect for their new partner and because they realise
that they were not their rizq to have, even if they feel that they made a
mistake by letting them go. Also, if you have any children with a
narcissistic ex-husband or wife they’ll use the child(ren) to make life
difficult for you in your new marriage by causing unnecessary dramas and
troubles, such as not letting you have the children on the days you agreed
on or constantly calling and asking for things for the children, knowing very
well it will bother your spouse and cause issues. They’re incredibly jealous
and envious people and will be over the moon if they manage to destroy
your marriage, just for the sake of seeing you unhappy.
If you don’t have any ties with them, the best thing to do is block them
everywhere and sever all forms of contact, as you’re likely to get a message
here and there as bait on your birthday, anniversary, Ramadan or Eid saying
they miss you and are thinking of you. Ignoring them like they don’t exist
and going ‘no contact’ is the most effective method of getting rid of them
for good. No contact means no response at all, not even a negative one, as
any kind of reaction is fuel for a narcissist and they’ll interpret it as having
power over you. If you’re unable to cut ties with them because there are
children between you, then it’s best to have someone else deal with them,
such as a parent or spouse or have a middle-person between you, such as a
social worker. If these aren’t possible options then involving a member of
their family, such as their parent or visiting a mediator is important so he or
she can help you to reach an agreement in regards to the children (visiting
times, maintenance and so on). In all cases, narcissists will continue to be
stubborn and very annoying at times, especially if no one else is involved
between you and so it’s best to be aware and educated about their
manipulations, so you know how to react in a smart manner and practice
being calm and patient for your own peace. In general though, if a narcissist
has another source of supply, they won’t often make life difficult for the
mother or father of their children, as they’ll be ‘busy’ and happy to let you
have the children to give them some freedoms. If they haven’t moved on or
if they have a partner who’s very jealous of you, then they’ll be very
difficult to deal with, as their partner may fuel the problems.
Discarding a narcissist and having them see you move on with someone
suitable for you (an empath) will cause a massive narcissistic injury to them
and they’ll get mentally tormented by their qareen for not destroying you.
Thoughts such as “You idiot, why did you do that?!”, “You’re so stupid”,
“You’re not as smart as you think”, “You allowed him/her to outsmart you
and get away” and “You didn’t play this one well” all come from the
qareen. The reason why narcissists go into a rage and hate themselves when
they lose a great source of supply is because of these thoughts they have to
hear about themselves all day long and is the reason why they can never be
at peace. Narcissists don’t regret any of their actions unless their actions
were detrimental to the outcome they hoped for. For example, they may do
something that later backfires on them and causes an inconvenience or
narcissistic injury. I know from speaking to narcissists who shared with me
what goes through their minds that they don’t deal with this type of loss and
regret well at all.
4. The belief that narcissists and victims of narcissists have been
cursed with black magic or the evil eye:
Following on from the previous point, I’d like to touch upon the issue of
social paranoia about black magic and the evil eye. In Middle Eastern and
South Asian cultures, it’s common to come across the belief that any
affliction or tragedy that befalls a person is due to the envious eyes of
people or black magic performed by someone who detests them or wants to
destroy them. It is not unusual to see people blame the evil eye and black
magic for their misfortunes instead of addressing the issue at hand and
finding the root cause of the problem. Many families end up paying
hundreds, if not thousands of pounds to spiritual (ruqyah) doctors who
claim they can remove it from them, even when they know they don’t have
black magic. Abu Hurairah (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) said:
“The evil eye is real and if anything were to overtake the Divine Decree
(Al-Qadar) it would be the evil eye.”
People can be afflicted by the evil eye quite easily if they don’t protect
themselves with the daily prayers and the supplications that were
recommended to us by The Prophet (pbuh). However, to put the entire
blame of an unfortunate situation on these two phenomena is wrong and a
Muslim knows that ultimately, everything is in God’s control. A fitting
analogy for this would be someone leaving their car while its engine is
running and claiming that they have evil eye or bad luck because someone
spotted an opportunity to steal it. I’ve come across families who believed
that the marital problems their narcissistic sons and daughters faced were
because of the ill wishes and intentions of evil and jealous family members.
Some parents of narcissists absolutely insist that someone’s cursed them so
that their toxic sons or daughters aren’t seen as the problem. On the other
hand, the families of victims may blame the evil eye and magic too for the
abuse and unhappy marriages their sons and daughters are experiencing
because at one point everything was perfect and wonderful (the love-
bombing phase) and all of a sudden, they’re unhappy and complaining
about abuse.
Many people who don’t fully understand or know about narcissism and
psychopathy may be easily convinced that marital problems are caused by
black magic and the evil eye. They believe that people who once saw the
couple so happy and in-love envied them and so their bad energy is the
reason for their problems. This is a serious problem because it doesn’t
acknowledge the main issue and address toxic relationships. Men and
women with this belief will often marry a narcissist again and experience
similar abuse. The continuation of abuse further solidifies their belief that
they do have permanent black magic or evil eye that’ll prevent them from
ever being happy in a marriage. Some parents also become distraught when
their daughter can’t get pregnant from a narcissistic husband, believing that
someone has cursed her when it’s God Who’s preventing it out of protection
for her. People also blame black magic and the evil eye if a woman remains
single into her thirties and forties or is unable to remarry. Another major
issue with this belief is that people start to become unnecessarily suspicious
of one another, spread gossip, act on assumptions and over analyse the
actions and words of people around them. It will ruin their relationship with
others and isolate them from those who genuinely care about them.
1. There’s a rise in the number of divorced and single Muslim
women:
More and more Muslim women are marrying narcissists, either
because they’re being pressurized by family members or because they
end up falling in love and ignoring the red flags. A consequence of this
is the high divorce rate and increase in single Muslim mothers within
the first three years of marriage. In an article written by Dr. Fouzia
Azzouz (September 2020), it’s mentioned that Islamic Shariah councils
in the UK faced a significant rise in khula applications during the
coronavirus pandemic. The main reasons for divorce were emotional
and spiritual abuse and/or domestic violence. In an attempt to decrease
the number of divorces in our Muslim communities, imams and judges
have tried to resolve the problems in counselling and court sessions,
much to the frustration of many women who felt that these men are
unable to understand what they’re going through and are
inconveniently making them stay married to their partners for longer
than necessary.
The divorce rate among Muslims also soared in other parts of the
world, such as Saudi Arabia, due to the recent revision of women’s
rights laws and the subsequent easing of khula procedures. Many
Saudi women stayed with their abusive husbands for years because the
khula procedure used to be very expensive, long and stressful.
However, since Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman made it a more
affordable and quicker process, thousands of women applied for a
divorce, so they could escape from their husbands who misused their
authorities to control and abuse them. The easing of the khula process
came as a disaster to patriarchal Arab men. Much to their dismay,
divorce is no longer considered to be a shameful act and new
government laws are allowing women to live alone and rent their own
homes, to not have to wear the traditional Saudi dress (abayah)
anymore and wear what they like (as long as it’s modest), buy and
drive cars and even leave the house and travel abroad whenever they
wish, without the permission of their fathers and husbands, as was
required previously. Islamically, it’s required as an act of respect from
women to inform and consult their husbands prior to making any
decisions that could affect the family and marital duties, but many
Muslim men still forbid their wives from making their own decisions
about anything important, just to have complete control. The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) said that it’s necessary for a woman to take her
husband’s permission to do certain things, such as travelling without
him, (as he’s responsible for her safety), applying for a job that may
demand a lot of her time or buying something expensive that could
affect the family budget. Many Muslim women have complained that
their men control them financially, which has caused marital problems.
As men are meant to be the providers, the finances of the family are in
the hands of many, which has sparked a huge increase in Muslim
women wanting to have jobs and pursue careers to receive independent
incomes and free themselves from either depending on their husbands
for money or from the marriage altogether. Men have also misused
their ability to grant an immediate verbal divorce as a way of instilling
fear, punishing, threatening, disciplining and discarding their wives. It
is therefore no surprise that many divorced Muslim women in
particular have chosen to stay single, preferring to have their
independence and careers over marriage, as they believe they can live
happier and more comfortable lives financially, physically and
emotionally.
Another issue often reported by Solace, a UK charity organization
for female converts to Islam, is that women don’t know where to go
once they’ve obtained a divorce, especially if they’ve been cut off
from their non-Muslim families and friends, as a result of their
conversion to Islam or not having a community to turn to for help. At
best, they need to join a long waiting list (for months) before they’re
granted shelter by a charity organization, a temporary hostel or
housing by the local council where they can safely stay. Women I
spoke to reported that it’s a great challenge to make arrangements for a
divorce when narcissistic husbands are keeping tabs on their every
move. As a result, many of them resort to running away to different
cities or countries to be away from their husbands and safely file for
khula.
2. Increase in celibacy (and zina) among single Muslim men and
women:
A major challenge for divorced Muslims, after enduring narcissistic
abuse, is the struggle to find suitable Muslim partners and facing the
difficulties of living a chaste and celibate life. In Islam, it’s highly
encouraged to be married and not spend a long period of time alone,
however, due to the spread of narcissism in our societies and the lack
of suitable Muslims to marry, it’s become the norm for Muslim
women, in particular, to live and raise children alone, which can be
detrimental to their mental health and their children who need father
figures. Many people don’t fully understand the hardships of Muslims
who desire and need romance, security, a family, love and emotional,
physical and sexual intimacy, but abstain from unlawful relationships
to please God. It is a personal jihad (internal struggle) that has
immense reward, as it’s possibly one of the most difficult to endure,
especially in the time we’re living in now. Many are able to remain
celibate by being busy, however, some are unable to. Due to the lack of
suitable Muslim men and women, Muslims are falling into major sins
in order to get their basic human needs fulfilled. Women I have spoken
to have said that it’s difficult to find Muslim men who want to get
married and if they do, they’re not financially ready to get married.
Some men are also in no hurry to get married because they’re not
living celibate lives. Many Muslims are engaging in zina with non-
Muslims too, so that they’re not exposed or judged by other Muslims
for their sins. For the most part, non-Muslims don’t have any long-
term expectations from Muslims, who just want to have ‘fun’. Unless
it’s a serious relationship, non-Muslims know that their partners will
eventually need to marry Muslims and so they have a ‘no-strings-
attached’ type of relationship with them. Protecting one’s chastity
encourages people to get married young and so when people commit
zina, the need for marriage decreases and is delayed. This affects our
society as a whole, as it has a domino effect on everyone living within
it.
There’s also the dilemma of marriage apps and wading through a
large pool of narcissists’ profiles to find a genuine practicing Muslim
who’s ready for marriage. Many single Muslims would prefer not to
attend a Muslim marriage or networking event, mainly because they
find it awkward and ‘desperate’. It is especially hard for single
mothers/fathers and widowers to find partners who’ll financially
support and help them raise their children, especially when there’s a
problematic ex-husband or ex-wife involved, who’s always making life
difficult. As a result, many of these women are offered the secret and
often short-lived marriages by narcissistic Muslim men who take
advantage of the fact that practicing and celibate women want to be in
halal relationships and already have their own homes. This can happen
to men too. Some practicing married and single men have reported that
women have offered them marriage on the condition it’s kept a secret
and they receive financial help. Before they know it, they’re sucked
into a toxic relationship and an endless cycle of drama. These women
have no emotional or empathic attachment to the men and resort to
blackmailing them in different ways, such as threatening to tell their
wives about the marriage, or exposing them in public if they don’t
comply with their demands. This is especially jeopardizing for men
who have a good reputation in their communities and only entered this
type of marriage temporarily, as they found celibacy and getting
married the normal way difficult and unaffordable. Women and men in
their thirties and forties who have been single for years will often be
targeted by narcissists who believe they’re vulnerable and lonely. After
being single for so long, it becomes easier to fall for a narcissist’s love-
bombing. Always avoid those who try to ‘bend’ God’s rules, as you
can pay a heavy price for the outcome, which can be detrimental to
your life, faith and well-being.
Narcissistic abuse has also led to an increase in Muslims avoiding
marriage completely because they fear it. They’d rather stay single
forever or have boyfriends/girlfriends than risk getting married to
someone who could potentially ruin their life and leave them as single
parents. Watching other men and women getting cruelly divorced,
abandoned, deceived, betrayed, abused and not taken care of by
seemingly practicing Muslim men and women has caused more and
more Muslims to just focus on their careers and businesses. This isn’t a
negative thing to do, especially if you have strong iman and supportive
friends and family, however, some Muslims may feel that their iman
weakens over time if their emotional, mental and sexual needs are
overpowering.
3. Abandoning the hijab and identity issues:
Muslim women suffer from identity and faith issues every day and
the removal of the hijab can be caused by different factors, from
feeling unattractive in a modern sexualised world to believing it isn’t
an Islamic obligation. However, in this segment, I want to focus on
how common it is for many Muslim women to be emotionally abused
and made to feel unattractive, unworthy and not as religious as they
thought they were by their narcissistic partners. Narcissists do a great
job at making people doubt themselves, which encourages women to
abandon many aspects of their faith later on, such as the hijab. Many
hijabi women feel depressed because the current world we live in
focuses so much on outer beauty and assigns people’s value to it. This
makes them feel old, ugly and traditional. Wearing the hijab becomes
an even harder test for them when they see their non-hijabi Muslim
friends and strangers enjoy their beauty and get married to financially
successful and seemingly nice men. The recent surge on social media
among Muslim influencers who’ve either taken the hijab off or are
trying to make Islamic fashion as trendy and as sexy as possible to
encourage young women to continue wearing it aren’t helping either
and are causing more harm than good to their thousands of followers.
However, these days if women aren’t inspired by influencers and
famous Muslims to take the hijab off, they’ll prefer to cover their hair
in a trendy way, by wearing turbans, for example, than in the correct
Islamic manner. Finding middle ground is important, as long as it
meets the criteria of hijab which is to cover the hair, neck and wear
modest clothing. As long as women are wearing it properly they won’t
be held accountable by God for any inappropriate male attention they
receive.
The constant need for validation and to be feel desired physically in
the outside world has sent many Muslim women onto social media
where they’re posting videos, filtered selfies and photos with different
hairstyles, makeup and clothes after deciding to remove the hijab or
while wearing and sexualising/glamorising it. It is a cry for attention,
to be seen and acknowledged and is considered to be a mental health
problem in itself. Whilst not all women who decide to remove the
hijab have been victims of narcissistic abuse, those who have been, put
their beauty on display in an attempt to get back any self-esteem that
was destroyed when they were with the narcissist. Practicing Muslims
criticize this behaviour of divorcees and single mothers who
compromise their faith and principles to attract admirers. However, in
many cases, these women aren’t doing it to attract men. They’re doing
it for themselves to feel beautiful, especially if they were cheated on
and brutally discarded by narcissists. Those who do it to attract new
partners want to know there’s hope and that men still find them
attractive and desirable. The ironic thing about this is they’re likely to
attract more narcissists again who’ll pick up on their insecurities and
will feed them compliments to get their foot in the door.
Psychologically stronger women are more likely to identify narcissists
at this point and don’t let them in, but enjoy the attention.
I can’t stress enough the importance of women learning how to feel
beautiful and attractive without depending on social validation. Many
psychological studies found that insecure people feel the need to post
many photos of themselves, as the likes and comments make them feel
better and confirms to them in their minds that they’re indeed
attractive. However, if on any day they don’t receive as many likes and
comments on a photo, they feel down and unattractive. Beauty trends
have driven women to overly-obsess about how they look, with many
being unhappy with their natural beauty because it doesn’t meet social
beauty standards. This has led many of our women to get surgeries and
aesthetic procedures to the point where most of them look the same
now, but they’re still not happy, because the trends keep changing.
Some women will also resort to surgeries after a narcissistic husband
or ex-husband cheated on them with a woman who looks like Barbie.
When some women see what type of women their husbands truly like,
when they betray them, it can cause them to remove the hijab and ‘go
all out’ on surgeries to compete and feel better. However, no amount of
surgeries will cover the pain of betrayal and women find themselves
losing their faith and values in an attempt to either please their
husbands aesthetically or get revenge after they leave them and make
sure their exes see ‘how good’ they look after their surgeries, on social
media. Co-dependent men are less likely than women to do this, but
it’s not uncommon to see a man who will ‘hit the gym’ and work on
his physical appearance after being cheated on and discarded by a
narcissist too. His low self-esteem will lead him to post photos of his
progress, out of hope he’ll get likes and positive comments and
compliments from random men and women that his ex will see, to feel
better about himself.
Another reason why some women remove the hijab is because they
want to feel freedom like other Muslim women who’ve managed to
convince them that God won’t hate or punish them for not covering
their hair if they’re good people. This can be dangerous as people who
were convinced that faith is just a matter of the heart and not in their
outward appearance eventually abandoned the daily prayers too. Some
women also removed the hijab for the benefit of progressing in their
careers, so that they could start a new life and have a chance at being
successful and financially independent. These stories are loved by
western media channels, especially if the women are famous or highly
influential in society, as it confirms to them that Muslim women are
breaking free from Islamic laws and ‘forced’ hijab.
After experiencing religious and spiritual abuse, many women
abandoned the hijab and a Muslim lifestyle because they no longer
want to be associated with Islam and Muslims. This has led many
women to marry non-Muslim men and move away from their
communities. Women who choose to remain Muslims but remove their
hijab are more likely to attract liberal non-practicing Muslims. This is
a problem for the next generation of Muslim children who’ll be raised
in homes that don’t implement an Islamic lifestyle.
The purpose of the hijab is to protect women physically (from
unwanted male attention) and spiritually, as it keeps them away from
environments where they could commit sins, such as drinking. It is
argued that if the hijab is removed, committing social sins becomes
easier, as it’s inappropriate for a woman to go to a club or a pub with a
hijab on, for example. The hijab is a symbol of hayaa (modesty) that
elevates the character of the woman who wears it and is the legacy of
the wives and daughters of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
who are meant to be our role models. A woman in hijab is meant to
feel safe and confident because not only is she obeying God, but also
protecting herself and other men from the lustful gaze that could lead
to her being sexually harassed and even raped. Men in general will
respect women who wear their hijab properly and don’t tend to bother
them, unless there’s something mentally wrong with them. This isn’t to
say that women who don’t wear the hijab aren’t considered to be
practicing Muslims, on the contrary, some of the kindest people I know
who have high moral standards don’t wear the hijab, but dress
modestly. Some people may argue that it’s better to not wear a hijab
and dress modestly, instead of wearing a hijab incorrectly to make it
look sexy, fashionable and glamorous in public, however both choices
are considered to be wrong in Islam. As Muslims we can’t deny that
the hijab is a fard (Islamic obligation) for women and is one of the
elements that give a woman a strong Muslim identity in the world.
“O Prophet, tell the [male] believers to cast down their eyes [in
modesty] and guard their private parts; that is purer for them. Surely
Allah is ever-knowing of what they do. And tell the believing women to
cast down their eyes [in modesty] and guard their private parts and
not to expose their beauty except that which [necessarily] appears
thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers (khimar) over their
chests and not to expose their beauty except to their husbands, their
fathers, their husbands’ fathers, their sons, their husbands’ sons, their
brothers and their brothers’ sons.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Nur: 30-31)
The cover (khimar) stated in this verse refers to the loose headscarf
that women used to wear in the Arabian Peninsula and in all the other
civilizations at that time. Historical commentaries report that the Arab
women of Makkah used to reveal their necks and upper chests and so
God requested the believing women to extend their scarves over their
necks and chests when they’re in public, knowing that it’s a part of a
woman’s body that men are sexually attracted to. The women who
walked around uncovered would often get harassed and lusted after by
immoral pagan men and so it was important that God differentiated
between the believing women and pagan women by their clothing, so
people could identify them and not bother them.
“O Prophet, say to your wives and your daughters and the women of
believers, that they draw their outer garments closer to them; that will
[make] more likely that they will be recognized [as Muslim believers]
and so will not be hurt. And Allah has been Ever-Forgiving, Ever-
Merciful.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Ahzab: 59)
The majority of Muslim scholars agree that Muslim women must
cover their hair and chests and leave only their faces and hands
uncovered in the presence of men who don’t have a direct family
relationship with them. For this reason, scholars agree that turbans
without a neck or chest cover don’t meet the requirements for hijab
and this head cover style is associated with practicing Jewish women.
Contrary to common misconceptions, hijab is also applied to men and
they’re required to dress modestly and cover their bodies too. Posting
topless selfies from the gym and selfies in which they’re wearing very
tight clothes or boxer shorts are unacceptable and immoral in Islam.
A practicing hijabi woman who displays empathy, kindness and
moral behaviour becomes an example and the best form of dawah to
others. If a good Muslim woman chooses not to wear the hijab, then
she won’t be identified in public as a Muslim and will lose out on the
immense rewards she could have reaped from giving dawah, as a
result of her good deeds and kindness to others. So many non-Muslims
tell stories about their wonderful experiences with practicing Muslim
strangers that caused them to change their minds about lslam. The
more we present a great image of Islam to the world, the higher our
status will be in The Hereafter and the more we present a negative
image about Islam, the lower our position will be and we’ll be
accountable for all the people who disliked Islam because of our words
and actions. Many people do wonderful things for others, but people
wouldn’t know they were Muslims unless they spoke to them and
asked. Some people may argue that they can have a spiritual
connection with God without wearing the hijab and while this may be
true, sincere devotion to The Creator can only be achieved when we’re
happy to perform the actions and rituals that He loves. When we put
our complete trust in God and submit to Him in totality, we’ll realise
that what He’s asked us to do is for the ultimate benefit of our overall
wellbeing. Therefore, women must understand the importance of
observing and encouraging others to follow the correct way of wearing
hijab. Wearing it properly shows a strong spiritual strength that
narcissists absolutely hate and choosing to keep it on, while dressing
well, is a sign of high confidence.
Muslim men also play a very important role when they encourage
their female relatives to wear the hijab and choose hijabi women to
marry. When the successful, handsome and wealthy Muslim men
(many of whom are narcissists), choose to marry non-hijabi women
whose beauty is more physically appealing, they affect the women
who are struggling to please God. Many women argue that most men
don’t understand how difficult it is to be a public ambassador for Islam
by wearing the hijab and get very disappointed when they aren’t the
priority when it comes to their marriage partner choices. Women who
wear the hijab properly are often perceived as being very strict,
conservative, judgemental and in need of very religious men, hence
why so many try to sexualise or glamorise it to not give that
impression. However, it’s a Muslim man’s religious duty to choose
women who cover properly, as not only will it encourage other women
to cover, if they see that the handsome, successful and righteous men
are choosing to be with women who wear hijab, but it will also be seen
as a support for their sisters in Islam. As more and more people lose
their faith and move away from an Islamic lifestyle, we see that many
Muslim men are becoming careless about the hijab and are indifferent
or prefer women who don’t cover, so that they can ‘fit in’ secular
western society and enjoy this life without the hijab being a hinderance
or problem. A man I know told me that he’d prefer his wife to not
wear it, so that he can ‘go dancing’ with her, freely. Another man used
the excuse that he’d fear for his wife’s life and safety, should she wear
the hijab, because of Islamophobia. I often see many men use this
excuse as an ‘exit card’ to justify why they don’t want their future
wives to wear it, instead of admitting that they don’t like it and that
they want a beautiful wife to ‘show off’ in public.
Most men don’t understand the rewards God has saved for them
when they marry women who love Him more than they love this
world, but due to them not feeling proud of being Muslim, men don’t
value women who have strong Islamic principles. They may
understand and like the idea of Muslim women wearing hijab and
respect those who wear it, but wouldn’t choose hijabi women as wives.
Unfortunately, this lack of faith and masculinity doesn’t just apply to
narcissists, there are many low-level empaths too who prefer that their
future wives don’t wear hijab or accept that they don’t want to wear it
at all. In Islam it’s the ‘real men’ who support the hijab and encourage
their women to wear it because they’re protecting them from harm and
the lustful male gaze. Some Muslims will argue that it’s better to be a
good person who avoids the major sins than be a hypocrite who wears
the hijab, which is true, but this excuse reflects an indication that they
don’t wish to work on themselves. Despite the fact that not all women
who wear hijab are good, practicing, moral or pious people, men
should still seek to marry those who do what God has asked them to do
and have a good character, so that the women who wear it aren’t
encouraged to remove it. Some men may argue that they never met any
compatible hijabi women to marry and therefore have no option but to
marry non-hijabis, which is fine, but they may face issues after
marriage if they realise that they prefer their wives to wear a it or be
better Muslim role models for their daughters whom they’d like to
raise to wear hijab. As Muslim women can only marry Muslim men,
it’s important that men take the hijab seriously and not push aside
those who wear it, as they’ll have no other marriage partner options,
according to the majority of scholars and this will cause a social crisis,
as we’re seeing in this generation. These women feel let down and ask
themselves, “If Muslim men don’t want (us) hijabi women, then who
will?” So, they either stay single and suffer, lose their faith and
strength to continue with the good they’re doing, wear it incorrectly or
completely remove it to have a better chance at being chosen as wives.
Muslim narcissists who come across as being ‘very religious’ and
masculine will also seek women who wear hijab, but with different
intentions to control them. The difference between the two lies in their
attitudes towards women; empaths are kind and compassionate and
narcissists are suffocating, harsh, critical and forceful.
Some Muslims who don’t support the wearing of hijab argue that
The Qur’an verse about the hijab was only meant for the wives and
daughters of The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), as it was addressed to
them. However, The Prophet (pbuh) told us to take them as inspiring
role models, because they were all promised the highest rank of
Paradise (Al Firdos), so what they did and how they practiced their
faith is in the benefit of all believing women. Fatimah (ra) The
Prophet’s (pbuh) youngest daughter, who was also his favourite, was a
woman who “perfected her faith” in every way. As the only child of
The Prophet (pbuh), who outlived her siblings, Fatimah (ra) spent most
of her lifetime with her father, which contributed greatly to the
development of her being the extraordinary woman she was. Her love
for God, piety and character earned her the status of being amongst the
best four women to have ever lived. The others were Khadijah (ra),
Maryam (ra) mother of Jesus (Isa) (as) and Asiyah (ra), wife of
Pharaoh (Firon). Pharaoh oppressed and enslaved the people of Bani
Israel during the lifetime of Moses (Musa) (as). Therefore, striving to
develop the wonderful traits of Fatimah (ra) and practicing our faith in
the way she did, is as good as following the footsteps of her father, as
she’s known to be the person who closely resembled him in character.
Aishah (ra) said:
“I have not seen anyone closer in conduct, way and manners to that of
The Messenger of God in standing and sitting, than Fatimah, his
daughter.”
(Darussalam, 49: 272)
I strongly advise hijabi women to not consider Muslim men who
have issues with the hijab or are indifferent to it and to unfollow the
social media accounts of narcissistic Muslim influencers and
celebrities who have chosen to remove the hijab or sexualise it, so that
they don’t affect their faith or demotivate them. These people remove
the hijab for their own personal reasons and it may be so that they can
get more paid work in non-Muslim communities too. Therefore, it’s a
shame when people are inspired to follow their ways, whilst not
knowing that they’re doing so as a result of the influencer’s own
personal circumstances, choices or mental health condition. If Muslim
women are struggling with their faith and wearing the hijab, it’s not a
good idea to follow the accounts of those who clearly have issues with
it. By staying away from those who regularly justify their reasons for
not complying with God’s requests, you’ll be protecting your own
faith, which is rewarded by God. At the end of the day, regardless of
how Muslim women wear their hijab (or not wear it), the aim of this
book is to understand why people behave in a certain way, so that we
can become more aware, compassionate and less judgemental towards
each other, as every action and decision has a root cause that we
sometimes can’t understand or relate to. Being aware helps us to make
better decisions about how we can improve, where we’re going wrong,
who to avoid and who to have as role models, marry and keep
friendships with.
4. The destruction of the Muslim family unit:
Today, we’re seeing a huge rise in the number of people marrying
narcissists and having children who aren’t being raised with the correct
Islamic education they need to thrive as adults. Many children are
feeling neglected and ignored, because their fathers are busy working
and their mothers aren’t present at home, for a number of reasons and
develop resentment towards other children around them who belong to
happy families and have parents who appear to care about them.
Resentment and jealousy are expressed in behaviour problems,
depressive moods and narcissistic attitudes. Many narcissists I spoke
to felt they were left to take care of themselves when they were young,
which is why they got involved in gangs, drugs, theft, bad company,
porn addiction and other dubious activities. It can be argued that most
mothers aren’t aware of the dangers and consequences of leaving their
children unattended, as they grow up. Children who don’t find loving
mothers waiting for them when they come home from school will
resort to watching TV or engaging in social media or communicating
with friends whom they tell their problems to, which can be a problem
in itself if their friends encourage them to do wrong things to make
them feel better.
The presence of a narcissistic parent in a household makes it
difficult to raise happy children, as they have to regularly witness them
abuse their other parent emotionally, mentally and sometimes
physically. Narcissists are also known to be physically and verbally
abusive with their children, when they aren’t behaving in the way
they’d like, so if a mother isn’t present at home to offer comfort,
they’ll grow up with a lot of anger within them, as they don’t feel
protected or loved. Narcissistic men also use physical abuse on
children as a way to hurt and torment their mothers when they do
something to upset them, no matter how trivial the matter may be.
Narcissists will try to push their partners to breaking point, even
during petty arguments, so that when they go into a rage their children
will see that the innocent parent is the deranged psychopath in the
relationship who can’t control their anger. This type of behaviour and
abuse increases when the victimised parent has asked for or merely
mentions a separation or divorce. Narcissists may do their best to make
sure that their children don’t see what they do to abuse and infuriate
their partners but will allow them to see their negative reaction to it, so
if a divorce does happen, they believe that their ‘unstable’ mothers or
fathers were the cause and that their narcissistic parents were the
patient ones who tried to keep the family together. Their goal is to ruin
their victims’ important relationships with their children and others.
According to Islam, men are the leaders of the family, as they’re
meant to be the financial supporters and protectors of it.
“Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by
Allah over women and tasked with supporting them financially. And
righteous women are devoutly obedient and, when alone, protective of
what Allah has entrusted them with…”
This verse is often misunderstood, as patriarchal men claim that God
has given them a higher status and that they’re the ‘controllers’ of
women who must obey them to earn financial support. This is far from
the truth, as it was meant to honour women and provide them with
comfort and security. Women have been freed by God from the burden
and responsibility of having to work, in addition to maintaining a
household, bearing and raising children. This doesn’t mean that a
woman can’t go out and work to earn her own money or help her
husband, but if no such need arises, she’s free from the obligation of
earning. Men have also been created with a higher degree of physical
strength, so that they’re able to protect their family and fulfil laborious
tasks required in the home and outside, however, respect and moral
obligations towards each other are the same.
“And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according
to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in
responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and
Wise.”
It is Islamically wrong for a man to expect or demand his wife to
work and help him out with his financial duties, as he has no right to
do so. Islam is a religion that encourages balance in all areas of life
and God created men and women to serve different roles and live
harmoniously with each other. It is better for a woman to focus on her
home and raise her children properly to ensure that they’re eating
healthy food, receiving the correct Islamic and moral education,
learning about prayers and spirituality and that they have a happy
wholesome home environment to grow in. It is also important for a
mother to establish a strong connection, friendship and trust with her
children so that they can talk to her about any issues they have at
school and with other people, to lower the risk of being abused and
developing disorders from an early age. However, this is only possible
when a believing empathic Muslim man chooses a believing empathic
Muslim woman for marriage, who is equipped with enough
knowledge, spirituality and moral character to raise his children well.
This type of woman needs the right environment to flourish as a wife
and a mother, so if she’s married to a narcissist, the healthy upbringing
of children won’t be possible. Wives have been entrusted by God to
protect their chastity and marital secrets and this comes easily to
women who are in happy and healthy marriages. However, narcissists
can’t live in healthy, peaceful and stable homes, because they’re not
used to it. They need drama and chaos in their lives and thrive in toxic
environments and negativity, which results in their empathic partners
feeling depressed, angry, resentful and unable to care for their children
properly. Therefore, many women either feel forced to raise their
children in an unhealthy environment, run away, have unlawful affairs
or divorce and break the family. Either way, it’s the children who
suffer the most, especially if their mothers don’t get re-married to
empathic Muslim men and either raise them as stressed single mothers
or marry another narcissist.
Another reason why the Muslim family breaks is due to the
interference of in-laws who support the behaviour of narcissists
(usually sons) to keep the marriage together. It is further damaged
when women insist on working full-time, which causes their home,
children and husbands to be neglected, if they regularly come home
tired. These women say that they do this to have a social life and an
independent income, as their narcissistic husbands are really stingy
and make them feel that they’re doing them a favour by providing for
them, when it’s their duty. Many women I’ve counselled have
complained about their husband’s constant reminders that they’re the
breadwinners and thus have more authority and a right to certain things
because they “paid for them”. Many women who don’t work or have
any income are extremely fed up of having to ask for money every
time they need to buy something, especially when they’re questioned
and interrogated about why they need it, even if it’s a small amount.
They’re essentially at the mercy of their husbands who aren’t always
generous or in a giving mood. I believe many men don’t realise that all
this will eventually cause their wives to deeply resent them, because
not only are they hurting their dignity, but are also making them feel
that they’re ‘owned’ and owe them for being providers. Usually, men
who give money to their wives do so when they see the house looks
‘perfect’, that they look pretty and that the children are fed and bathed
by the time they come home. If they aren’t then their husbands usually
start complaining and become stingy with money or withhold it
altogether. They don’t accept excuses, such as, their wives were tired,
feeling unwell or just having a bad day.
Sometimes, men force their wives to work because they can’t or
don’t want to carry the entire financial responsibility of the household.
If women work long hours, their children are usually left with nannies,
nurseries and other relatives. It is understandable that many women
need to work for different reasons and there’s always an exception to
the rule, however, if men are slacking in their duties then it’s a ground
for divorce if they don’t step up. Men who encourage their wives to
work while they’re doing financially well, are often after financial fuel
and a more luxurious lifestyle, at the expense of their children who are
being neglected. Good Muslim men would prefer their wives to either
work from home, have their own business that has flexible hours, be
full-time housewives or mutually agree before marriage that they can
work full time until they have their first child. Other narcissists stop or
try to stop their wives from working, by creating any problem, because
they know if they have financial independence then it will be easier for
them to leave the relationship. Therefore, the more people marry
narcissists, the more broken their homes and societies will become.
God promises that men and women who fulfil their marital and
parenting roles to the best of their ability will be granted Paradise.
5. The rise in Muslim women dating and marrying non-
Muslims:
Al-Jazeera news channel reported in 2001 that more than 21,000 Muslim
women in the UK entered inter-faith marriages and that more and more
imams across the country, until now, are permitting the marriage of a
Muslim woman to a non-Muslim man (believing Christians or Jews), due to
the difficulty in finding suitable empathic Muslim men. During the last
twenty years, the number of Muslim women marrying non-Muslims has
risen sharply and scholars have been compelled to re-visit the Islamic
rulings for this because the percentage of unmarried Muslim women in the
UK is at an all-time high. Educated and financially independent Muslim
women are finding it especially hard to find Muslim men who are on the
same intellectual, financial and social level. Instead, they’re acquainted
with empathic non-Muslim men in their workplaces who meet their
standards and are respectful, kind and understanding. Some people assume
that the majority of these women aren’t practicing and don’t wear hijab, but
it was found that even practicing women who wear the hijab are marrying
non-Muslim men who admire their values, modesty, beauty and character.
Sheikh Toufik Kacimi, the CEO of Muslim Welfare House, a charity and
community centre in London, says that he’s approached by at least two
couples per week to ask about interfaith marriages. All Muslim scholars
agree that Islam permits Muslim men to marry “women of The Book”,
(believing Christians or Jews), thus expanding the number of potential
partners for them, whereas Muslim women can’t marry a non-Muslim
unless he officially converts to Islam. This is because men are meant to be
the leaders of the household and are responsible for their children’s
upbringing and beliefs. However, now that the social dynamic has changed
and mothers have more influence on their children’s upbringing, women are
arguing that even if they married non-Muslim men they would be able to
remain Muslims and raise their children as Muslims. Some men convert to
Islam nominally just to appease their partner’s family, however, such a
conversion isn’t considered by scholars to be valid because it wasn’t done
with the correct intention. A man should convert only when he truly
believes in The Oneness of God and when he’s willingly accepted Islam as
a way of life. Dr. Taj Hargey’s (Muslim Educational Centre of Oxford)
stance may be controversial, but he argues, based on his own
understanding: “There is no verse in The Qur’an that bans Muslim women
from marrying non-Muslim men.” While this may be true, it doesn’t stop it
from becoming a problematic union if the children born into this marriage
don’t receive the Islamic education they need or find a practicing and
spiritual Muslim role model in their father.
Many Muslim women are getting fed up with the growing number of
liberal and narcissistic Muslim men, those who don’t know what they want
from life, aren’t ready for marriage or don’t want to be married. Muslim
men who are highly educated, wealthy, from a reputable family and
successful in their careers are said to be the pickiest and most liberal, with
most of them not placing much, or any importance on performing the daily
prayers and following an Islamic lifestyle. Many Muslim women feel
forced to cross boundaries and marry non-Muslims in their thirties and
forties so that they can fulfil ‘half their deen’ because a large number of
educated Muslim men are choosing to marry or pursue relationships with
non-Muslim women too. Most of these non-Muslim women don’t fulfil the
conditions of “The people of The Book”, but are chosen because they’re
beautiful and/or compatible. For example, I’ve come across Muslim men
who married Christian women who believe that Jesus (Isa) (as) is the son of
God, which makes them polytheists and not monotheistic Christians.
Therefore, their marriages are considered to be Islamically invalid, as it’s
prohibited for both Muslim men and women to marry polytheists, unless
they’re fornicators. However, if they don’t believe that Jesus is the son of
God and preferably avoid the major sins, then it’s permissible for Muslim
men to marry them even if they don’t want to convert to Islam.
While it’s important to highlight the issues that Muslim women are
facing, I also want to acknowledge the problems that Muslim men face
when it comes to marrying Muslim women. I asked some highly educated
empathic Muslim men why they preferred to marry non-Muslims and these
were their reasons:
1. The women were long-term work colleagues who were attractive,

impressive, interesting and compatible with them intellectually.
2. The women were kinder, shared the same values and were more
‘Muslim’ than the Muslim women they had met.
3. The women weren’t materialistic like Muslim women they had
approached for marriage, who demanded high dowries and
wedding expenses, homes in expensive areas and luxurious
furniture etc. Non-Muslim women were more content with less
and had a romantic outlook on living a simple life with the men
they love.
4. The highly educated Muslim women were very feminist,
narcissistic, tough and/or didn’t take care of themselves
physically to look feminine.
5. The highly educated Muslim women were very liberal and were
running away from Islam.
6. The Muslim women were very traditional and cultural and saw
life from a narrow mindset. For example, they just wanted to have
children, be lazy, gossip and neglected their men.
7. The Muslim women came from very large and interfering
families.
8. The Muslim converts they met were too strict in their practicing
of Islam and wanted to wear burkas (face veils) among other
things.
9. The Muslim women were uneducated Barbie girls who weren’t
able to have deep conversations.
10. The women didn’t agree to stop working when they have children
and stay at home to raise them.
11. The great Muslim women they met weren’t attractive or elegant
enough for them.
Not all the men I spoke to had successful marriages with non-Muslim
women. Interfaith marriages come with many challenges that led many of
them to get divorced later on. They reported arguing with their wives over
the upbringing of their children, for example, one woman completely
refused to get her son circumcised, because she believed it was child abuse.
Some women also found their husband’s Muslim culture overwhelming for
them and decided to call it a day after some time. The worst problem
Muslim men complained about was having their child(ren) being raised
with their ex-wives’ non-Muslim families who didn’t follow any Islamic
way of life, which made the upbringing of their children much harder
whenever they got to see them on weekends and during holidays. There
were also many issues about ex-wives wanting to baptise their children,
take them to church and allowing them to drink alcohol and have girlfriends
and boyfriends as teenagers. They regretted not marrying Muslims, because
they realised that even in the worst-case scenario, if a divorce did happen
then at least their children would continue to be raised as Muslims with
their mothers and in-laws. They felt guilty, as they believe their children
were the sacrifice in the whole ordeal and they lost out on the best
upbringing. Instead, they grew up confused about their Muslim identity and
not knowing who they are and which path they should take in life. Some
men also complained about the narcissism that reared its head later in the
marriage. Those who stayed happily married had wives who eventually
converted to Islam by choice or didn’t have children.
Another factor that reduces the availability of suitable men is the family
of potential suitors who may outright refuse to give their blessings and
support should they wish to marry single mothers, older women, women
who have fathers or brothers who have bad social reputations, women who
live alone and/or have no family, women from a different ethnic
background and financial status or divorcees. All of these judgemental
reasons can put many Muslim women off marrying Muslims and so they
make the difficult decision to leave them as options and dig out any fatwa
they can cling onto that that will permit them to marry non-Muslims.
While some non-Muslim are much better in character than Muslim men,
marrying non-Muslim men who have no interest in converting or learning
about Islam will be a problem for practicing women. However, some
Muslim women are compromising on this, as they’re drawn to the respect
and love non-Muslim men have for them and their values and feel
appreciated far more than they’re appreciated by Muslims. Arab, African
and Asian women are put on a pedestal by western men who are attracted to
their exoticness and decency. If non-Muslim men understand and accept
certain conditions, such as no intimacy before marriage, then it could work
if they’re willing to learn about Islam and convert. However, many Muslim
women are falling into major sins to pursue the end goal of marriage with
these men who want to ensure that there’s sexual compatibility between
them before they decide to convert and commit. Women have told me they
feel more comfortable having intimate relationships with non-Muslims who
aren’t judgemental like Muslim men who are players, narcissists, immature
and just not serious about marriage. They marry compatible non-Muslims
so they can be protected and have their own families while they’re still
young and believe it’s better to remain chaste by marrying them than be
single and celibate all their lives or marry narcissistic Muslim men.
Issues that can arise for women who marry non-Muslims are: family
problems on both sides, the eventual removal of the hijab, a decrease in the
practicing of Islam and a divorce if there’s no common ground when raising
children. In many cases, the reality of marrying a practicing Muslim only
hits a non-Muslim when he or she has their first child. Many non-Muslim
men express discomfort at the thought of their daughters wearing a hijab, or
their children attending Qur’an classes at the mosque and praying five times
a day, as they find it extreme. They don’t like that their children aren’t able
to make their own decisions about which religion or life path they want to
follow. Someone I know who married a non-Muslim man was facing issues
because he believed she had no right to ‘brainwash’ their children into
being Muslims, just because she is one. Some men will accept that their
partners are practicing Muslims, but don’t permit this to extend to their
children, as they believe that religion ‘no longer has a place’ in the modern
world. It also bothers some non-Muslims that their Muslim partners
wouldn’t accept it if their children turned out to be homosexual and it’s
these issues that rise to the surface later on due to a lack of compatibility in
fundamental beliefs. The danger here, especially when the non-Muslim
partner has no intention of being a practicing Muslim, is that if they
continuously question God’s existence and laws then it may start to plant
seeds of doubt in their partners’ minds too over time until they lose their
faith, which has happened to people. Non-practicing, liberal Muslim
women are more likely to have lasting marriages with non-Muslims, as they
don’t argue over the religious upbringing of their children and share the
same western values.
Some non-Muslims agree to let their partners practice Islam and allow
their children to be raised as Muslims, however, it’s difficult to raise
children in a household where only one parent is practicing and the other
isn’t. The Muslim parent will also face the challenges of socializing and
raising children in their partners’ non-Muslim friends and family
environments (some of which are anti-Islam and Muslims). Many find that
their children don’t want to be practicing Muslims and instead prefer to be
like their non-Muslim parents, cousins and relatives who seem to be
enjoying life and freedoms in ways they can’t. We know that the way our
children turn out is in God’s Hands, however, we’re responsible and
accountable for choosing the right Muslim partners and future parents. God
has given everyone their own unique experiences in life to grow, learn,
change and repent, which makes everyone’s life path different. If someone
follows a wrong path, then it will be the result of the decisions they make in
life.
Sadly, many Muslim men don’t realise that they’re pushing Muslim
women towards marrying non-Muslim men. They don’t feel responsible for
it or compassionate towards the fact that most traditional scholars will only
permit a Muslim woman to marry a Muslim man. It’s disappointing that a
large percentage of our men in their thirties and forties have lost their Islam
and aren’t considered to be husband-material at all. Muslim men are
choosing non-Muslims and non-practicing Muslim women to marry
because they don’t pray either. It is very common to see Muslim men who
state in marriage apps that they never pray, sometimes pray or usually pray
under the prayer section of their profiles, as opposed to always pray. While
people can respect them for being honest, they’re the types who don’t want
women to question them about their prayers and give them a “headache”
over it. They want women who don’t have an issue with it, as they have no
plans to truly change this and women who find this problematic are
considered by them to be super religious, intimidating, arrogant and
judgemental. They expect women to be grateful that they pray at least one
of the obligatory prayers a day or whenever they want to as per their
convenience. These Muslim men are preventing a future generation of
children from being raised in a home where they can grow up with the
teachings of Islam and learn to become good people because they’re too
lazy, don’t want to work on improving their own faith and mental health
and aren’t interested in becoming the role models The Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) commanded them to be.
1. Tarnishing the reputation of Islam:

One of the worst damages that narcissists have done is that they’ve
tarnished Islam’s reputation as a beautiful and peaceful religion. Islam
teaches us to be empathic, kind, considerate, compassionate,
understanding and loving to all of God’s creation. However, when
narcissists, who present themselves as practicing Muslims, callously
commit sins, abuse women, engage in criminal activities and neglect
their responsibilities, they give a very bad image of Islam to not only
non-Muslims, but Muslims too. Many people have told me that they
wouldn’t convert to Islam because they’ve seen practicing Muslims
who are worse than people in toxic non-Muslim societies. The spread
of narcissism is detrimental to the peaceful dawah mission because the
actions of many Muslims simply don’t match with the teachings of
The Qur’an and Hadiths. So, narcissists not only drive people away
from their faith, but also prevent people from accepting and learning
about it.
Narcissists who are portrayed as very (problematic) religious
Muslims, who are defamed by the media for domestic violence,
honour killings, joining ISIS, supporting and resembling terrorists only
add to people’s negative thoughts about Islam and create an image that
it’s a violent and harsh religion that doesn’t encourage peace and love.
Many crimes, attacks, wars and evil political agendas have been
carried out under the guise of Islam to make people believe that the
terrorists and criminals are following Islamic law, when this isn’t true
at all. Narcissists make it appear that Islam is a religion that
encourages patriarchy, which discourages non-Muslim women from
converting. It is also the reason why some Muslims choose to not look
like or be identified as practicing Muslims in public out of fear that
they’ll be attacked or verbally abused, while others don’t want to
associate themselves with “backward” Muslims. It is the work of
supernova Muslim empath scholars and educators who have taken it
upon themselves to correct the public and their distorted understanding
of Islam to restore peace.
2. Children continuing the cycle of toxic relationships:
Children are the primary victims of narcissistic parents who can cause
them to become either narcissistic too or co-dependent. A narcissist’s wife
won’t be able to raise their children properly, because of the misery, stress,
depression and anxiety she feels, especially if she’s stuck in the relationship
out of fear that she’ll lose her children. It is much better and healthier for
children to leave a toxic family environment and be without both parents in
one house. You’ll find in all the verses in The Qur’an regarding divorce that
children are never mentioned as a reason to not divorce. God hasn’t told us
that we can get a divorce from our spouse unless children are involved.
Children aren’t mentioned because their presence doesn’t make it a valid
reason to stay in a toxic marriage. Of course, most people would prefer and
love to raise their children in a home where both parents are present, but if
it’s not a peaceful home that is built on a strong foundation of empathy and
Islamic values then it will do more harm than good to keep them in it. I’ve
seen many cases where children were much happier after divorce because
their mother or father got re-married to someone who wasn’t narcissistic
and the family home became a happier one. We need to marry those who
are capable of creating and maintaining a peaceful family environment so
that our children have the best chance of being raised with both their
parents long-term.
Thousands of Muslims in western countries, as young as sixteen, are
choosing to leave home and move in with friends or other family members,
so they can be away from their toxic parents, which can open more doors of
problems when they have access to all sorts of new freedoms. Some of
them grow up being very hostile and disrespectful to their parents and
regularly attract toxic people into their lives. Narcissists can sense
vulnerability in people from a mile away and love to prey on women who
are isolated, troubled and lonely by swooping in as their heroes. Men who
display qualities such as care and protectiveness are very attractive to
vulnerable women, as they feel these men can compensate for them not
having fathers who should have been the same. These types of men love
that these women are detached from their families and have problems with
them. It makes their mission much easier, as isolating their partners from
their friends and family members is often difficult for them. Regardless of
how strong a woman may be, it’s in a man’s nature to always respect and
consider the men who stand by her. Narcissists are cowardly people and feel
more comfortable when women don’t have male relatives who check up on
them or monitor their behaviour. These narcissists can also be criminals and
drug dealers who target young men who appear to be troubled, to sell drugs
to and/or get them involved in the business. This leads to them socialising
with bad friends and losing their Islamic values and beliefs altogether. I
found that only a minority of Muslims escaped home to live in university
student accommodation or shared accommodation with practicing Muslims
who supported them with their problems, mental health journey and
religion. These people were lucky to have found good friends during a
difficult time. Their need to leave home wasn’t out of hatred for their
parents, but to find peace and be away from the negativity. Unlike others,
they weren’t rebellious or disrespectful to their parents when they
communicated with them or visited and often completed their university
studies and earned degrees. They were also more likely to be practicing , as
a result of being involved in the Islamic society at university.
Muslim women whose fathers have abandoned them or who have
narcissistic fathers need good men to marry them, rather than take
advantage of them. Such men will receive a huge reward from God,
because they’re protecting them from abusers and criminals. A few women
I spoke to have been very upset about their situation and not having fathers
who are there for them. They found it particularly distressing that the
Muslim men who were interested in them couldn’t meet or speak to their
fathers, because they’d abandoned them. They felt embarrassment and
shame every time they were asked about where their fathers were. Some
women even lied and told men that their fathers had passed away, as it was
easier and less painful than telling them the truth. Therefore, instead of
judging these women who had no role to play in the absence and sins of
their fathers, considering them for marriage would be honourable and kind,
as not every woman is blessed with having loving and protective fathers,
brothers and other male relatives. People in our Muslim communities need
to stop discriminating against Muslims and punishing them by placing the
sins of their parents and others upon them. Some families will only consider
a woman for their son if her father is well-known in the community and is
someone they can brag about and be proud of. If her father isn’t around, is a
criminal, heavily narcissistic or has a bad social reputation, a good woman
can be rejected and labelled as being unsuitable for their son. The same can
happen to men too with women’s families, if they have problematic fathers
or fathers who abandoned them. People tend to assume that if Muslims
come from broken families they’ll be problematic and come with a lot of
emotional baggage, not realising or acknowledging that many of those
who’ve been abandoned by their fathers are highly empathic people who
are great Muslims, many of whom were raised well by strong single
mothers.
We need to educate Muslim men and help them understand that there are
far more blessings found in taking care of women who are vulnerable than
in choosing women for their beauty, wealth and social status. This doesn’t
mean that good men need to marry women with mental health issues and be
their heroes, no, I’m referring to them marrying empaths who have a
healthy mindset, but need the protection of good men. Saying that though,
not all women who don’t have male protection are weak and vulnerable.
Some of the strongest Muslim women I know who don’t have the support
of male relatives have managed to do what men couldn’t do with their
amazing willpower, determination to succeed and trust in God. However,
it’s the principle of stepping up as men and as Muslims that gives women
hope that there are still amazing people out there who they can rely on for
help and who care about them and the community. It is an incredibly
honourable and attractive trait that’s, unfortunately, rare to see in British
Muslim men these days. Raising righteous and considerate sons will ensure
that women have a better chance of marrying men who aren’t toxic and vice
versa. Healthy men are drawn to healthy and happy women and wish to
enjoy their marriages with those who don’t have a lot of issues. Those who
do have major issues need professional counselling before they get married.
These are some of the major reasons why narcissism has a huge impact
on our society as a whole and you’ll see how Satan has orchestrated it to be
this way so that people move further away from Islam and the need for
children to receive the right guidance and education to become moral and
practicing Muslims is neglected. The dilution of Islam in our homes is
happening because Muslim men and women have simply forgotten about
God and their responsibilities as Muslims. God elevated our status as
Muslims and had He not said that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was the
last prophet, it’s likely another prophet would have been sent during this
generation, because our societies are being highly corrupted by immoral
Muslims. The Prophet (pbuh) would be truly saddened at the state of our
Ummah today. Actions must be taken quickly to solve the problems we’re
facing, starting with our own issues, so that we heal and save our societies
and the next generation of children from being completely ruined.
17. Marriage in Islam: Know Your Rights
In this section I’ll outline the framework of an Islamic marriage, as I

believe it’s important to know and be reminded of what the rights of
husbands and wives are so we can separate toxic relationships from what
God defined marriage to be. If a marital relationship doesn’t meet the
standards God has set for us to be happy, then it’s no longer considered to
be a relationship that He expects us to stay in. Below are the marital duties
of men and women towards each other that are required by God to make a
marriage work.
Mutual rights and duties

1. To be kind and have good manners
“And consort with them [your spouses] in honour and equity.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Nisaa:19)
This verse is addressed to both men and women and states that
husbands and wives should be kind, respectful, polite, helpful,
forgiving, compassionate and loving towards each other. This includes
refraining from swearing at each other, speaking negatively about your
spouse to others and not revealing their secrets or marital secrets. The
“The best of you is the one who is best to his wife and I am the best of
you to my wives.”
(Sunan Ibn Majah, Vol.3, Book 9: 1977)
The Prophet (pbuh) said this so Muslim men take the time to study
his life and follow the example he set of how women and wives should
be treated. This extends to the good treatment of in-laws and family
friends. In this Hadith, men learn that it’s not their wealth, power or
status that makes them the best of men, but how they treat their
families behind closed doors.
2. To look attractive for each other
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) placed a lot of importance on
marrying someone who we feel physically attracted to. If you meet
someone and you don’t feel any or much physical attraction or
chemistry with, then it’s best you don’t pursue marriage with that
person, regardless of their other great qualities. Some people may say
that attraction grows with time, which can be true, but it’s still a risk to
take. To feel attraction for someone doesn’t necessarily mean that they
need to look like super models and celebrities. Many people are
attracted to the way members of the opposite sex talk, smile, laugh, tell
jokes, think and are as people. Some people prioritise the beauty of
someone’s body over the beauty of their face and vice versa, which is
why everyone will have a different perception of us and in what they
see as being beautiful and attractive. Mughirah Ibn Shu’bah (ra) said:
“I sought a woman in marriage. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) asked
me: ‘Have you seen her?’ I said: ‘No’. He then said: ‘Then look at her
(to check that there is physical attraction), for it is the best way to
ensure that lasting love and affection is created between you.’”
A lack of physical attraction and chemistry can affect intimacy later
and fuel discontentment, especially when a disagreement or argument
occurs and the person’s unattractiveness becomes more apparent.
Studies have shown that people were harsher and ruder to their
partners whom they didn’t find very attractive and they resented them
when they were needed to fulfil their sexual rights, perceiving it as a
chore, rather than a pleasurable bonding session. I know people who
‘settled’ and compromised when it came to physical attraction,
because the person had many other good qualities, but it made them
miserable after marriage and they resented their partners for being too
skinny, too overweight, too short or just not pretty or handsome
enough for them. This is especially the case when the partner who’s
suffering compares their partner to the attractive partners of their
friends and family members or feels that he or she is far more
attractive than their spouse. Most people are unable to tell their
spouses the real reason why they’re miserable, due to feeling guilty
and not wanting to offend them or shatter their partner’s self-esteem
and so many either suffer in silence or fall into sins, such as adultery
and withholding their partner’s rights to sexual intimacy by constantly
making excuses to avoid it. It’s for this reason why people shouldn’t
feel rejected and low when someone they’re interested in doesn’t find
them attractive. How we feel and who we’re attracted to is beyond our
control and letting people know from the beginning that there’s no
attraction is kinder and saves us and them from a lot of distress and
pain later.
Everyone deserves to marry someone who finds them gorgeous and
irresistible and shouldn’t marry someone whom they know aren’t as
attracted to them as they should be. For example, if you’re considering
someone for marriage and you notice that people of the opposite sex
tend to catch their eye a lot and look very different to you, then don’t
marry this person, even if they want to marry you. I remember a friend
in Saudi who had a wonderful fiancé who was great in every way, but
wasn’t tall or muscular and she said that she couldn’t help but sneak a
look at the men who were when they went out. They got married and
eventually divorced, because his body bothered her even more after
marriage, despite him being a loving and kind husband who provided
her with everything she wanted and needed. Men are also known to
pick on every tiny little thing in their wives after marriage when they
get irritated with their lack of physical perfection. For example, if a
man is usually attracted to curvy women and his wife isn’t, then he
may suggest that she gets surgeries to look better for him or go to the
gym, which can be hurtful for a woman to constantly hear, as she
knows her husband isn’t satisfied with how she looks and will become
paranoid, distressed and overly jealous when a curvy woman walks
past him or catches his eye. So, I’ll write this again, if you know a
woman is attracted to tall muscular men or blonde men etc and you’re
not one, don’t marry her and if you know a man is attracted to exotic-
looking curvy women, from his social media or because he’s casually
mentioned it and you’re not one, don’t marry him. You’ll notice that
many men and women will ‘settle’ for people they aren’t normally
attracted to, because they find that the people they’re attracted to either
have bad characters, are narcissists, lack important qualities, aren’t
practicing or aren’t attracted to them.
In Islam a man is permitted to see a potential wife without her hijab
via a photo or in her house with the permission and presence of her
father or brother, so that he can make a sound decision regarding his
level of attraction for her. It is recommended Islamically too that the
woman doesn’t wear much makeup or wear anything artificial when he
sees her, unless he’s aware of her doing so, so that he sees her in her
natural form. There are many stories, especially in The Middle East
where traditional men, who only saw their wives two or three times
before marriage, divorced them shortly after marriage because they felt
deceived. Many reported that after their wives removed their makeup,
false eyelashes, coloured eye lenses etc that they looked completely
different and sometimes very unattractive and so it’s important that
men see women without all of those additions, to avoid problems later.
If a woman has a medical condition and has to wear a wig, for
example, or has had cosmetic surgeries, then it’s always best to
mention it to a man too. Again, some men who were unaware that they
married women who had surgeries were surprised later when their
children were born with their mother’s natural features and didn’t
resemble her at all! On the flip side, it’s also not recommended to be
too picky about someone’s looks and seek physical perfection. If
someone’s attractive and has other great qualities then that’s a blessing.
The wives of The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) reported that the first
thing he would do upon entering his home was use the miswak (a
special tree twig used to clean teeth). His use of fragrance, attention to
self-grooming and personal hygiene made his company very
pleasant. He was also known to be and look very strong and
maintained his fitness. It was reported that he was never overweight,
never had a belly and always looked handsome. The Prophet (pbuh)
taught people that they should beautify themselves for their spouses to
keep them excited and interested and to prevent them from lusting
after others and falling into sins. He’d advise men and women to wear
clean and beautiful clothes, for women to wear jewellery, to wear the
best perfumes, to bathe regularly and maintain high levels of hygiene
and to always keep teeth and hair clean. This includes hairstyling,
applying makeup, making the effort to follow a skincare routine,
removing unwanted body hair and making sure nails are filed and
clean. Many patriarchal men believe that it’s only the woman’s duty to
look attractive for her husband, however, it’s a woman’s right that her
husband makes the effort to look good for her too, as he’s the only one
who’s permissible for her to be with intimately.
3. Sexual enjoyment and loyalty
Sexual intimacy is an element present in a marriage that
differentiates it from all other relationships that human beings have
with each other. If it’s practiced only within a marriage and without
crossing moral boundaries, (i.e., anal sex is prohibited in Islam), it’s
considered to be a sacred form of worship that someone can get
rewarded for, because if someone has it outside marriage, then it would
be a sin he or she will be punished for by God. It is a right and not a
privilege of both the husband and wife to enjoy sexual intimacy. In
patriarchal societies, men have been wrongly educated to believe that
sexual pleasure is only the right of the husband and that a woman
should comply with his demands and needs. These men often quote the
following Hadiths:
“If a husband calls his wife to bed and she refuses and causes him to
sleep in anger, the angels will curse her until morning.”
(Sahih Al-Bukhari, Book 59: 48)
This Hadith refers to rebellious, difficult and narcissistic wives who
refuse sex on no valid grounds and use it as a punishment, as a
weapon, as a form of manipulation and as a form of control to get what
they want, knowing their husband rely on them to fulfil their sexual
needs. The reason why women get cursed for it is because they can
push good men to seek unlawful relief that jeopardizes their faith. The
same curse will apply to a husband who deliberately ignores his wife’s
sexual needs (sometimes out of laziness) and refuses sex, as a form of
abuse. We often hear about married Muslims engaging in unlawful
affairs because their husbands and wives don’t fulfil their duties
towards them, for a number of reasons. One of the reasons, as
mentioned earlier, aside from it being a punishment, could be that they
don’t feel physically attracted to their spouses. Taking care of your
spouse’s needs will protect and help them to stay loyal to the marriage
and create a strong foundation of trust. In Islam, having a good spouse
is considered to be a great form of rizq, as God has saved you from
committing the major sins by blessing you with what’s lawful.
Therefore, loyalty is a moral act of gratitude to God before it is to your
spouse and it’s important that both husband and wife make marital life
enjoyable and peaceful to maintain the loyalty and trust between them.
No Muslim should go to sleep at night worrying if his or her partner is
being loyal to them. Many Muslim narcissists, however, will continue
to stray and betray you even if you’re fulfilling all their sexual needs.
They do this to plant seeds of insecurity in you to make you feel that
you’re not good enough and also because they can’t help it and
regularly experience strong impulses to do what’s forbidden. They
don’t perceive their spouses as rizq to be grateful for, but as objects.
“By the One in Whose Hand is the soul of Muhammad! No woman can
fulfill her duty towards Allah until she fulfills her duty towards her
husband. If he asks her for intimacy, even if she is on her camel saddle,
she should not refuse.”
(Sunan Ibn Majah, Vol. 3, Book 9: 1853)
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) emphasized on the importance of
wives fulfilling their husband’s sexual needs, as they’re more likely
than them to stray and be tempted to sin. However, because sexual
intimacy is also a woman’s right, the Hadith applies to men too. The
fulfillment of this right is crucial for a happy marriage and men should
talk with their wives and find out how they can make the experience an
enjoyable one for them too. Many narcissistic Muslim men make
women believe that they have no right to make demands for their
desires to be fulfilled. Many men who say this are those who find it
very difficult to sexually please their wives and don’t want to be seen
as failures or emasculated. They’d rather quote Islamic texts as an
excuse to not make any efforts than bother doing any research or
learning about what women need. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
said:
“Do not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire like the
desire you experience, lest you fulfil your desires before she does.”
(Al Mughni, 8: 136)
Here, the Prophet (pbuh) speaks about the importance of mutual
desire, consent and foreplay and that a man should try his best to make
sure his wife is satisfied before he is. Biologically, men and women’s
bodies are different and women generally need more time and
stimulation to reach climax. It is normal for men to lose a great deal of
energy after they climax, which leaves a lot of women unsatisfied and
frustrated. With the right communication, sexual education, passion,
experimentation, honesty, concern for each other and foreplay,
intimacy is a fun and beautiful activity that bonds a husband and wife
together both physically and spiritually. Fulfilling the sexual rights of
narcissistic men, however, is a burden and an unpleasant chore on
women who hate it when Qur’an verses and Hadiths are quoted to
guilt-trip them into doing so, regardless of whether they’re in the mood
or not and if they hate their husbands for abusing them. They expect
their wives to accept the quotes and just “get on with it”, while not
knowing (or knowing well) that it’ll affect their faith and love for
them, Islam, The Prophet (pbuh) and God. It was reported during
counselling that these men are robotic, rude, rough, offensive and copy
what they’ve seen in pornography videos. There’s no spiritual element
in intimacy or ‘love-making’ with them, as they’re just simply (and
quickly) fulfilling their carnal desire, even when they’re angry at their
wives. The only time a narcissist will make some effort to please is
when he or she feels that they’re about to lose their valuable partner
who’s fed up of them and wants to leave. A very shocked Prophet
(pbuh) asked angry and abusive men:
“How does any one of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel
and then [requests to] sleep with her at night?!”
In Islam, a woman can refuse intimacy on the grounds that she’s
menstruating, unwell, experiencing postnatal bleeding, exhausted or is
in a condition where sexual activity would be harmful to her
wellbeing. A man can refuse intimacy too if he’s tired, physically
unable to perform or unwell. If a husband forces his wife to engage in
sexual activity, despite her valid reasons, then this will be viewed as
oppression. It will also be considered a grave sin if he forces her to
commit an unlawful sexual act, such as intercourse during her
menstrual cycle, anal sex, violent sexual acts (some people get aroused
by beating their wives), intercourse during Hajj, fasting hours in
Ramadan and forced intercourse.
It is also the right of a spouse to be consulted if you wish to perform
voluntary fasts, as a means of extra worship, as intimacy is forbidden
during the fast and fasting also diminishes sexual desire and weakens
the body. Therefore, a spouse’s needs take precedence over voluntary
fasts, as intimacy in itself is a form of worship. Fetishes, sexual
expectations and methods of contraception should also be discussed
and agreed upon early on, as marital disputes can stem from a husband
or wife not being comfortable with them later on.
4. To have children
It is a right of both the husband and wife to want and have children,
as that’s one of the main purposes of marriage. It is therefore crucial
that your desire or plan for having children is discussed before
marriage, as people have different preferences. Some people don’t
want (anymore) children at all, some don’t want more than one or two,
some may want at least two and some may have a medical condition
that stops them from being able to conceive. It is also important to
disclose any genetic diseases that run in your family before marriage.
Plans for children must be communicated clearly before any
commitment is made to ensure that you’re both on the same page and
to avoid any disappointments or feelings of guilt and deception later.
In patriarchal Muslim societies, the task of raising children is placed
solely on the mother and the father’s job is just to bring in the money
to feed, house and clothe them. Caring for children, teaching them how
to pray, educating them about Islam and life, teaching them morals,
feeding, bathing and entertaining them are shared Islamic duties of
both parents. A father has a huge responsibility to be a Muslim role
model for his children and it’s important that he’s as present and
communicative with his children as their mother. He can compensate
for his lack of time with them during the working week, in weekends
and holidays. Fathers play a great and crucial role in teaching their
daughters about life and how men should treat them and in teaching
their sons how to be responsible gentlemen and treat women kindly.
5. To protect each other
It is both the husband and wife’s duty to make sure they look after
and protect each other emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Protecting each other is the most important aspect of marriage. God
gave us spouses to help us find our way back to Paradise and so we’re
meant to be good company for each other in this journey. A good
spouse will never make you feel lonely and if your faith weakens
during a difficult period in your life, then your spouse should be there
to support and help uplift your faith again. They should also be there
for you when you need comforting and reassurance. Ideal husbands
and wives encourage each other to do good deeds and stay away from
sins. If you’re unwell, your spouse is expected to be there for you and
if you respect and love each other, then you’ll naturally do your best to
fulfil each other’s emotional and physical needs to protect one another
from seeking them unlawfully. Protecting each other also means
standing up for each other when needed, not allowing people to
interfere in your marriage and come between you, not allowing anyone
to speak badly about your spouse and not harming each other. Your
home should be a place of peace and comfort and the safest place for
you both. It is also essential not to hide important information from
each other and for a man to be concerned about the physical safety of
his wife. From experience, I’ve seen that the happiest and most
successful marriages are those in which the husband and wife become
the best of friends from before marriage and even shortly after.
6. The mutual right to divorce should things go wrong
Contrary to common beliefs, Islam gives both men and women the right
to divorce each other should the relationship between them turn sour or not
work out. A husband is given two chances to divorce his wife and take her
back each time if they manage to reconcile. As men are the protectors and
financial maintainers of the home and family, God wanted them to take
more care in their decision to divorce. If a wife refuses to do her part to
make the marriage work, then issuing a divorce can be his last resort. If he
issues it verbally (once), she has a waiting period (iddah), which is three
menstrual cycles (on average three months for most women) to see if she
makes any efforts to save the marriage. During this time, a woman is to
remain in her marital home and be treated with kindness, as she’s still due
her marital rights of being housed and provided for. It may be that they stay
and sleep in different rooms, but being under one roof may help them to
talk, change their minds and reconcile. If the iddah period has ended after
the first or second issuing of divorce and he hasn’t taken her back, then he’d
need to marry her again with a new Nikah contract and dowry, if he wants
her back after that. If she’s pregnant at the time of divorce, then the iddah
will extend until the baby is born, after which she can remarry if he doesn’t
take her back. In God’s ultimate wisdom, the iddah is extended during
pregnancy, as divorcing a woman when an unborn child is involved is a
more serious decision to make, so God gives men more time to think about
it and try to make the marriage work. A man is also not permitted to divorce
his wife during her menstrual cycle; he has to wait until it’s over to not add
more emotional stress to her, especially if she suffers from PMS and/or
pains.
If a woman’s attitude and disposition is unbearable and disrespectful with
no hope of change after her husband talks to her, expresses his distress and
feelings, separates from her in the bedroom and gets neutral mediators
involved, such as respected friends or family members or counsellors, then
it would be better for him to divorce her. Some Muslim men resort to
beating their wives to discipline them by misquoting verses from The
Qur’an, but they forget or are ignorant of the fact that God forbade even the
physical discipline of difficult animals, let alone humans. Muslim abusers
twist the meaning of this Qur’anic verse (that refers to difficult, abusive and
rebellious wives) and find exaggerated interpretations to justify domestic
violence and bodily harm.
“And if you sense ill-conduct from your women, advise them [first], if they
persist, do not share their beds, but if they still persist, then discipline them
[gently]. But if they change their ways, do not be unjust to them. Surely
Allah is Most High, All-Great.”
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said nobody should punish another
human physically by striking the face, causing bruises, breakages or
wounds and if he or she did so, then they’ll be accountable for that in front
of God on The Last Day. All creations of God are sacred and must be
respected and honoured. Damaging or destroying God’s creation will have
severe consequences, which is why He gave us a way out of marriage in
which we’re unable to practice justice and good character. A Muslim with a
good character won’t entertain the thought of physically harming his wife if
she was being very difficult, even in a gentle manner. I believe a dignified
Muslim would prefer to divorce than resort to physical discipline, even if it
was harmless.
Issuing a third divorce ends a man’s right to take his wife back. The only
way they can re-marry after this is if she marries someone else (she
shouldn’t marry someone with the intention of returning to her first
husband), consummates the marriage and is divorced again or divorces him
(for genuine reasons). Sometimes a man is made aware that a woman wants
to return to her previous husband by marrying him, so he’s not deceived.
However, for it to be Islamically permissible, the second marriage should be
a genuine one based on a man’s compatibility with her as a Muslim husband
and should it not work out for some reason, it’ll be permissible for her to
return to her previous husband. I’ve heard about men being offered payment
by women (and sometimes their previous husbands too!) to marry and
divorce them to fulfil this purpose. Other men are, unfortunately, deceived
and find that their wives ask for a divorce for no reason at all within a short
period of time, only to be re-married soon after their iddah to their first
husbands. I’ve also come across cases where a woman has entered a
marriage with the intention of returning to her previous husband but found
herself wanting to stay because the new husband treated her so well and
made her happy. So, we can see that the wisdom behind God prescribing
this ruling, is because it’s in a man’s nature to be jealous over his woman,
especially if he loves her and has divorced her in a moment of anger. The
thought of losing her for good if she marries someone else and finds
happiness with him would be so unbearable that he’d avoid, or at least calm
down and think multiple times, before issuing the third and final divorce,
especially if children are involved. If she doesn’t re-marry, then there will
be no possibility of a return and if they marry again before she’s married
another man then the marriage would be invalid and classified as zina. In
some cultures, specifically in the South-Asian part of the world, men
verbally pronounce the divorce three times in a moment of extreme anger to
emphasize that they’ve used up all their divorces and that their wives have
no more chances, however, most Muslim scholars have claimed that even if
a man issues a divorce three times in one go, it’s counted as only one
divorce, because there’s a process to be followed for each one.
“Divorce is twice. Then [after that], either keep [her] in an acceptable
manner or release [her] with good treatment. It is not lawful for you to take
back anything from what you have given them, unless both fear that they
would not be able to maintain the limits set by Allah. Now, if you fear that
they would not maintain the limits set by Allah, then, there is no sin on them
in what she gives up [from her dowry] to secure her release [khula]. These
are the limits set by Allah. Therefore, do not exceed them. Whosoever
exceeds the limits set by Allah, then, those are the transgressors. And if he
has divorced her [for the third time], then she is not lawful to him afterward
until [after] she marries a husband other than him. And if he [the new
husband] divorces her [or dies], there is no blame upon them [the woman
and her former husband] for returning to each other if they think that they
can keep [within] the limits of Allah.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Baqarah: 229-230)
Unfortunately, some narcissistic Muslim men exploit desperate women
who wish to go back to their first husbands after a final divorce. They take
advantage of their situation and demand a large sum of money in return for
marrying and divorcing them after consummation of the marriage. This
“service”, also known as halala has nothing to do with Islam and is
ultimately for a man’s own benefit, as he gets to (wrongly) justify having a
one-night stand under the guise of helping a desperate woman unite with
her husband. Some corrupt Muslim clerics and judges will also promise
women a swift return to their husbands, if they pay them for this service.
This is strongly condemned by righteous God-fearing imams and scholars
and it’s unacceptable that woman should degrade themselves to be re-
married to their first husbands who didn’t think of the consequences when
they issued their final divorce. No divorced woman should bear the
responsibility of fixing a man’s mistake in such a dishonourable manner, if
he regrets letting her go. However, the sad truth is, some women and single
mothers are often left with no other choice but to use such a service, as they
have nowhere or no family to go back to after being divorced.
In regards to women, you can see in the previous Qur’an verse that God
gave them the option of khula, which is a divorce in exchange for their
dowry that was given to them at the time of marriage (if their husbands
request it). The difference between a divorce and khula is that khula is
initiated by the woman and if a man initiates the divorce, he has no right to
ask for her dowry back. Imam Ibn Qudamah said:
“If a wife dislikes her husband’s behaviour, character, religion, old age,
weakness or the like and if she is afraid of not being able to fulfil his
marital rights then she is allowed to ask for khula by giving him a
compensation (her dowry or part of it) to free herself.”
We learn from the teachings of The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) that the
ransom God mentions in the previous Qur’an verse for a woman to pay to
release herself from the marriage is her dowry. Jameelah, the daughter of
Abdullah Ibn Ubayy Ibn Salool (ra) was the beautiful wife of Thabit Ibn
Qais (ra), one of the companions of The Prophet (pbuh). She came to The
Prophet (pbuh) and said:
“O Prophet! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his
religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in an un-Islamic manner
(if I remain with him).” On that The Prophet (pbuh) said: “Will you give
back the garden which your husband gave you (as dowry)?” She said,
“Yes.” Then he said to her husband: “O Thabit! Accept your garden and
divorce her once.”
(Sahih Al-Bukhari, Book 68: 22)
It was narrated that Jameelah didn’t find Thabit (ra) attractive after
marriage, even though he was known to be one of the best men of his time.
She was honest and stated that she would “dislike to behave in an un-
Islamic manner”, meaning she was unable to fulfil his marital rights,
because she disliked his physical features. The fear of not being able to
fulfil someone’s marital rights and oppressing them is a mark of a true
Muslim who’d rather separate from their partner than neglect their needs
and be accountable for that with God. The Prophet (pbuh) understood what
she meant right away without making her go into further detail and asked
her husband to divorce her in return for his garden back, which is perceived
as a gesture of good-will.
The Qur’an verse and Hadith both teach us that a God-fearing man must
free his wife from the marriage if she finds living with him unbearable, as
keeping her in it would be detrimental to her faith and well-being. If he
refuses to let her go, not only will he be forcing her to live with the guilt of
being unable to fulfil her marital duties, but she may also fall into sin and
have an unlawful affair with someone else. If a husband doesn’t accept her
dowry in return for a divorce, then the matter can be taken to an Islamic
court and a judge can request the husband to divorce her, as she can’t be
forced to stay in a marriage against her will. If he continues to refuse giving
her a divorce (usually because he’s being difficult, stubborn and wants to
keep her tied to the marriage, so she doesn’t move on) then a Muslim judge
can take the matter into his hands and issue a faskh (immediate termination
of the marriage contract) to set her free. In this circumstance, the wife isn’t
asked to return the dowry, as her husband didn’t agree to a khula.
In Arab countries, especially in the Gulf region, men feel ashamed and
humiliated if their wives ask for a divorce because it indicates that they’re
not ‘man enough’, abusive, unable to financially fulfil their marital duties,
have health/fertility problems or are unable to satisfy their wives’ sexual
needs. Therefore, most men prefer to initiate the divorce and give up the
dowry to protect their reputations, as they know that women will be less
likely to marry men who’ve been divorced by their wives than the other
way around. Some good men, however, are dragged through the khula
process by narcissistic wives who divorced (discarded) them for petty
reasons.
If a khula or faskh happened and a woman regrets the decision and
wishes to go back to her husband, then a new Nikah contract with dowry
would need to take place after she’s completed her iddah period (one
menstrual cycle for khula instead of three) to confirm she’s not pregnant.
Ibn Abbas (ra) said:
“The wife of Thabit Ibn Qays took a khula from him, so The Prophet (pbuh)
made her iddah (waiting period) one menstrual cycle.”
(Sunan Al-Tirmidhi, 1185b)
If she finds that she’s pregnant, her iddah after khula will end when the
baby is born. This too gives her time to re-think her reasons for divorce,
because a child is now involved and it’s a major sin for her to abort the
baby to make life easier. I’ve come across women during counselling
sessions who aborted or wished to abort their babies without telling their
husbands that they were pregnant, as they didn’t want to be stuck in a
marriage with an abuser or become single mothers.
“Divorced women remain in waiting [do not re-marry] for three periods
[after their husbands divorce them] and it is not lawful for them to conceal
what Allah has created in their wombs if they believe in Allah and The Last
Day.”
This is a very sensitive subject and one that many women can relate to.
However, hiding a pregnancy or having an abortion isn’t permissible in
Islam unless the mother’s health and life are in danger. Therefore, it’s one
of the major consequences a woman would have to consider before
marrying a narcissist or someone who has narcissistic traits, should she get
pregnant by him later.
The exclusive rights of the wife

1. The right to choose a husband
The first right of a woman in the context of marriage is the freedom
to choose the man she wishes to marry. It is forbidden in Islam to
pressurize, manipulate or force a woman into marrying a man she’s not
attracted to or want. If a woman is forced into marrying someone, the
marriage is considered to be invalid in Islam, so families need to take
this more seriously and accept their daughters’ wishes to protect them
emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Forcing women to marry
will often lead them to major sins later, the deterioration of mental
health and resentment towards Islam too if they’ve been convinced
that they need to obey their parents in every matter, even when it’s
wrong.
2. The Mahar (Marriage dowry)
The first right a woman is entitled to from her husband is the mahar.
“And give the women [upon marriage] their [bridal] gifts graciously.
But if they give up willingly to you anything of it, then take it in
satisfaction and ease.”
The requirement of a dowry demonstrates the importance of the
marriage contract and is a token of respect and honour to a woman and
a symbol of a man’s ability to be a provider. In Islam, a man is
required to give a dowry within his financial means, however, it’s a
woman’s right to ask for what she wants and he can accept or decline.
As a guide, some scholars have said that the dowry a man offers a
woman should be worth ten percent of his annual salary, so if he earns
£100k per year, £10k dowry is considered to be reasonable for him. If
a man has excellent morals and character but isn’t a high earner, then
women are encouraged by The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) to
prioritize what’s more valuable in the long-term. During the leadership
of Khalifah Omar Ibn Al Khattab (ra), young men complained about
the high dowry requests and the difficulties it created for them in
getting married. They asked him to intervene and find a solution for
them, so he said in a public sermon:
“Anyone who pays more for their dowry than what The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) used to pay will put the excess amount in the
Public Treasury”. A woman from the Quraish tribe came to him and
said: “O commander of the believers, which has more right to be
followed, The Book of Allah [The Qur’an] or your statement?” He
answered: “The Book of Allah.” So, she told him, “You have just
prohibited the people from giving the excess amount from the dowry,
but Allah has revealed in His Book:
And if you have given them a great amount of gold as dowry [qintar],‘
”’.take not the least bit of it back
Omar (ra) was then heard saying: “The woman has spoken the truth
”.and Omar is mistaken
(Musannaf Abd Al Razzaq, 10420)
According to the studies of Arab scholars, a qintar is equivalent to
one hundred and forty kilograms of gold. Therefore, if a woman
desires a large amount of dowry, whether it’s money or gold, then she
needs to be matched with someone wealthy who can afford it.
However, it’s not advisable for a Muslim woman to choose a man
solely based on his wealth and not prioritise his character and piety.
Many good men feel resentment towards demanding families who ask
for large dowries that would cause them to go into debt and hardships
and have had to delay marriage just to be able to save up for it,
alongside other arrangements such as accommodation, furniture, a
wedding, a honeymoon and other necessities. This is especially
difficult if they aren’t fortunate to have financial help from their
parents and family members. The feeling of resentment can have
negative consequences later on in a marriage and a man’s relationship
with his in-laws. Ibn Hibbaan (ra) narrated that The Prophet
“The best of marriages is that which is made easiest.”
(Al-Albaani in Sahih Al-Jaami, 3300)
In another narration, Uqbah bin Amir (ra) reported that The Prophet
“The best of dowries is the simplest (or most affordable).”
(Sunan Abi Dawud, Book 8: 83)
The wisdom behind affordable and simple dowries is found in its
benefits for both men and women. Not only will it make the marriage
process easier, but will also bring more blessings into the marriage.
Having simple dowries will also help women in getting their right to a
divorce later on should things not work out, because they’d be required
to return it for a khula. No one will truly know how their partners will
be with them until they’re living with them behind closed doors and
some women may discover that their husbands aren’t the nice God-
fearing men they presented themselves to be. They may also discover
other things such as gambling or alcohol addiction. If a man refuses to
divorce her on these grounds then she’ll have the option of applying
for khula. A righteous man will generally not ask for the dowry back,
as it’s more decent of him, especially if she’s the mother of his
child(ren), but if he’s a narcissist, it’s highly unlikely that he’ll let it
go. He’ll try to get as many benefits out of the divorce as he can.
Therefore, if the dowry is large and a man is insisting on having it
back, a woman will be burdened with it if she can’t afford to return it
at all or within a short period of time.
I’ve seen many women unable to get a divorce because they asked
for a large amount of dowry when they got married. One of the main
reasons many women do this is to raise their social status, as it makes
them feel valuable and more special than other women in their
community. They enjoy bragging about it to their friends and relatives
and on social media. Every time there’s a social gathering, they, along
with their mothers, make sure to remind people how much dowry they
received and look down upon women who accepted low dowries.
“Why did you sell yourself so cheap?” is a typical line narcissistic
women use to make other women feel bad for following the sunnah
and doing what was more righteous. However, when they realise later
that they married awful men, they’re unable to leave the marriage,
because firstly, it would be embarrassing after all the bragging and
showing off and secondly, they’re unable or don’t want to return the
dowry in return for a khula. This predicament keeps them ‘stuck’ in
miserable marriages and they suffer in silence, pretending to be happy.
Other women, however, who accepted an affordable and simple dowry
were either happier with their husbands or found it easier to release
themselves and move on with their lives when needed. I know
someone who received £50k dowry and £50k of gold as her dowry. At
the time of khula years later her husband requested it all back. She was
very distressed about it, as she had spent a lot of the money and wasn’t
willing to part with the gold and so decided to stay in the marriage in
which he continued to betray her, because he knew the dowry was
making it difficult for her to leave. Many women have had to borrow
money from the bank or friends and relatives to pay it back. Abusive
men will often refuse to divorce and instead push women towards
khula so they can have the dowry returned, especially when they know
you’re not in a financial position to do so. However, if it’s a simple
dowry that’s easy to give back, not only will you not feel the loss of it,
but you’ll also be grateful that you aren’t controlled, burdened and
manipulated by it.
Another woman I know, who comes from a wealthy family
surprised and angered her family when she only requested a Qur’an as
her dowry from her wealthy fiancé, even though she isn’t very
religious. They didn’t find it befitting for a woman of her social status
to ask for what they saw to be as so little, however, her reasoning was
that she didn’t need the money and that she preferred for him to buy
her everything she likes and needs after the marriage. So, her fiancé
was amused and gave her a copy of The Qur’an and later during the
marriage bought her everything she wanted, including the house she
wanted them to live in, a luxury honeymoon trip and holidays,
designer clothes, bags and jewellery. Three years later, due to some
marital issues, she asked for a divorce, which he refused to give and so
she applied for khula as a last resort, because people from elite
families don’t usually like to settle their matters in court. The judge
asked her what her dowry was to which she replied, a Qur’an and he
asked her husband to accept The Qur’an in return for a divorce. At this
point, her husband realised how easy it was for her to leave and
considered all the money he’d invested and spent on her during the
marriage. For the first time, he asked himself if it was worth losing her
over the issues that she’d repeatedly complained about that got them to
this point. Had the dowry been high, he may not have cared, but
because he realised that she didn’t need him and that a divorce could
be a swift matter, he requested that they go for counselling and make
the marriage work. After the intervention of various people and the
conditions he agreed to, she gave the marriage a last chance and is now
happy with her husband who made the efforts needed to keep her as
his wife. I truly believe he admired and respected her intelligence and
realised that he would regret it if he let her go. It was a win-win
situation for her. I also truly believe that The Qur’an being the dowry
was what blessed her in this situation and elevated her value. The point
of this story was to convey that if a woman isn’t in need of money,
then it’s best to keep the dowry simple, especially if the man is a
stranger and not a family friend. I don’t mean to say that women
should only accept a Qur’an or low dowry, or enter a marriage with
negative assumptions about a man, no, they just need to think about
what they’d do in that situation if a khula was needed later. The dowry
is just a gift that’s required to validate a Nikah contract and won’t be
worth more than everything else a man will buy and do for his wife
during the marriage.
My mother told me that as she was growing up in Saudi, some
fathers used to refuse high dowry offers from men. At the time,
offering a high dowry indicated that the groom came from a financially
stable family and it was something to be proud of. However, many
caring fathers would only accept a portion of it to validate the marriage
and return the rest to the groom saying “We buy a good man”. The
meaning behind this saying is that many men who have money can
marry good women, but not every man who has money is good.
Therefore, when a woman’s father gives back the larger portion of the
dowry, it’s his way of saying that he prefers a good man as dowry for
his daughter. When a groom would hear this, if he was raised well and
God-fearing, he’ll appreciate it and make all efforts to treat his wife
like a queen to honour her father and his kindness. However, if he took
advantage of paying a low dowry and didn’t treat her well, then it
would be a great shame on him. Both are win-win situations for a
woman, as the dowry on her marriage certificate would be written as
the original high amount offered, but because most of it was returned
at the time of marriage, the burden of paying it back later (if needed)
was relieved from her by her father, who would compensate her by
providing her with the same amount that he returned. It was also in her
favour, as the groom often invested the returned part of the dowry in
the upgrade of their honeymoon trip or wedding venue, as a way to
show appreciation. Such was the great wisdom of Arab fathers and
how they used it to not only benefit and protect their daughters but also
to raise their sons as gentlemen who understood the value and rewards
of having a good character and honouring women.
An important issue I wish to touch upon here, is the dilemma many
practicing Muslim women, especially those in their thirties and forties,
face when they agree to compromise on their dowry amounts and
requirements to make life easier for the men they’re in love with or
seemingly pious men. While women and their families have been
advised by The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) to lower the dowries and
make them simple, many people can’t help but feel that a lot of
Muslim men are simply using the ‘God-card’ to get away with the
basic minimum in everything. Some may quote this Hadith by Sahl Ibn
Sa’ad (ra) who narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said to a
poor man:
“Marry, even with (a Mahar equal to) an iron ring.”
This particular man The Prophet (pbuh) spoke to was known for
being God-fearing and his good character and so he advised the
woman he wanted to marry to accept his dowry, even though he’s poor,
because God said:
“And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your
male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich
them from His bounty and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.”
This doesn’t mean that women should feel guilty when they reject
someone who isn’t financially stable or earns a lot, but that character
and morality is more important, because God has promised that He’ll
sort the rest. The Hadith also means that the only thing a man should
be poor in is his wealth. However, a lot of Muslim men aren’t only
poor in their pockets, they’re poor in their manners, their character,
their level of practicing Islam, their prayers, their attitudes and in their
efforts to better themselves. Some ‘religious’ narcissists will make it
clear that the only financial provision a woman will receive will be the
absolute basics for survival, no extra luxuries and if a woman requests
more than the basics, then she’s asking for ‘more than her Islamic
rights’. Some even go as far as to say that they aren’t obligated to take
their wives on honeymoon because The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
didn’t take his wives on honeymoon. Beware of men like this and
avoid marrying them, as they will grasp any Qur’an verse and Hadith
to get out of fulfilling what they don’t want to fulfil for you. Many
women find that they end up paying for the things they want and need
later on in the marriage, as their husbands will manage to categorise
them all as being ‘luxuries’. One woman told me that her husband
refused to pay the £50 MOT fee due for her car, because her car was
considered to be a luxury and not a necessity, as she could use public
transport. When she asked him for money for public transport he got
annoyed and said to her that he’ll give it to her as and when she needs
it. For a woman this is considered to be ridiculous and only a high-
level co-dependent would accept it. Independent working women often
hear stories like this from friends and family members, which makes
them even more adamant about not marrying men who are stingy, in a
low-paid job and who can’t look after them financially.
If a man is wealthy in all the important matters and strives to earn
his money lawfully, but happens to be poor in his pocket then he’ll be
among those God will give much rizq to after marriage. If a man earns
his money unlawfully (i.e., drugs and fraud) then regardless of how
wealthy he may become, there won’t ever be any blessings in it and he
will lose it as quickly as he’s earned it. You may notice in many parts
of the Muslim world that the poorest people who are God-fearing have
more children than others (over five) and find the means to provide for
them all, whereas those who aren’t poor often struggle to conceive and
pay high fees for IVF treatments, worry about having more than two
children and worry excessively about money.
What’s also bizarre to me, is when high-value practicing Muslim
women who are beautiful, wise, mature, educated and successful in
their careers, compromise on their dowry and financial requirements to
make getting married easier, but are somehow perceived by men who
need help to get married, as being “desperate”. These men will
complain that they can’t get married because the young and beautiful
women are asking for “too much” and reject them, but wonder why
high-value women are willing to lower their standards for them, not
truly understanding that their intention is purely for the sake of God
and doing what’s loved by Him to help protect themselves and others
from zina. These men get confused and compare them to women who
aren’t as great or religious as them, but who insist on their high
dowries. What this does, is it creates a dilemma for them, because now
the younger women who are insisting on men meeting their high
financial standards are more appealing to them and they see them as a
challenge, instead of “easy”. This leads men to believe and justify that
only the young and beautiful women are deserving of high dowries and
that older women should compromise. Men have mentioned to me a
number of times that they desire what they can’t have or is difficult to
have and if a woman is willing to compromise, they lose interest
because they feel that she may be desperate because of her age, lack of
beauty, she’s a divorcee or a single mother etc and doesn’t know her
value.
Companies selling high-value products that men love, such as Rolex
watches and Mercedes cars, don’t allow their customers to negotiate or
‘haggle’ with them. The price is what it is, if you can’t afford it, then
it’s not for you. As a result, many men will work hard to save money
and buy from these companies, because they’re highly desirable to
them and difficult to obtain. They understand that they need to meet a
certain financial level to have what they want and most are willing to
work hard and compete for them with their friends and other men. It
goes without saying that the value of a good woman is much higher
than any luxury product and men will make efforts for what and who
they believe is worth it, which is why so many women aren’t willing to
compromise on their dowry and financial expectations from men. If
men can’t afford dowries they feel proud to give, because they wasted
their money on girlfriends and spent it wrongly for many years, then
it’s simply their problem and not the responsibility of women who are
required to compromise because of their unfortunate situations. In
order to be respected and admired by women, men need to show their
ability to be providers and that they saved their money wisely for
marriage. Don’t let men love-bomb you, make you fall in love with
them and then try to make you lower your dowries and expectations, to
make life easier for them. Narcissists know what they’re doing and this
is how they manipulate women into doing what’s best for them. I’ve
often seen narcissists become very angry and bitter when the women
who have fallen in love with them (as a result of their love-bombing)
continue to refuse to lower their dowry and expectations. They see it as
a failed mission and are very annoyed they wasted their time, efforts
and (ironically) money that was spent to impress them. They’ll try to
make the women feel bad about it by saying things like, “I thought you
loved me”, “I didn’t know you were so materialistic” and “If all you
want is money then you’re not worth marrying”, but this gaslighting
doesn’t always work to change the women’s minds, which causes a
huge narcissistic injury that can make men turn nasty. A Muslim man
who isn’t narcissistic and is looking for a wife will ask a woman from
the beginning what her expectations are, to see if he can meet them or
not. If he doesn’t earn much he won’t approach women who appear to
be materialistic or love luxury things and lifestyles. He’ll approach
those whom he believes could be suitable for him and respects their
wishes, without making them feel bad or telling them that it’s too
much, even when he can’t give what they’re asking for.
The only men who’ll appreciate and honour women who lower their
dowries and expectations to make getting married easier are highly
empathic people who possess al nafs al mutumainnah. All other men
will lose interest, even if they’re in great need of a wife, but can’t
afford to marry. If a narcissist wearing a religious mask takes up the
offer, he’ll surely treat his wife terribly, because he feels emasculated
from the beginning at not being able to afford getting married,
accepting to live in her house and paying a small dowry that he isn’t
proud of. Therefore, I urge women to be reasonable, but not
compromise on what they want, unless they’re one hundred percent
sure that a man is truly worth it and will appreciate it. If not, women
will only regret it later and feel resentful towards themselves for
compromising with ungrateful men who didn’t value them for being
righteous people.
It is also worth noting here that aside from the dowry, a woman has
the right to stipulate her conditions in the marriage contract. For
example, if she wishes to work after marriage, she can write that. He
must agree to this condition before the Nikah ceremony, as it will be
mentioned in the marriage contract too. Men shouldn’t be put on the
spot on the day of the ceremony, as not all conditions will be accepted
and it may ruin the special day. If a man breaks the agreement after
marriage and forbids his wife from working, for example, then she has
the right to immediately terminate the marriage in court. Narcissists
won’t do this directly, but they may do other manipulative things to
stop their wives from working, such as by pressurising them to have a
baby. A normal loving husband will always be supportive of his wife’s
dreams and career and ultimately, he knows it will be up to her to
decide on whether or not she wants to be flexible on her conditions.
Sharing and discussing each other’s future plans before marriage will
lessen the chances of having problems that may lead to divorce later.
For example, if a man intends to apply for a job in another country or
wishes to have more than one wife, then it should be made clear
beforehand.
3. The right to be fully provided for by her husband
A husband’s duty towards his wife is that he covers all household
expenses, her personal expenses and the expenses and needs of the
family in general. Her rights include having a furnished home, clothes,
food and any other essential needs such as personal care, transport,
education and medication. If a woman wishes to contribute a portion
of her own income towards her own expenses or the bills, then she’s
free to do so, but she isn’t obligated to, nor should she be asked to. It is
a man’s responsibility to figure out how to deal with the household
finances and not make it his wife’s worry. Women find that if men are
flexible and cooperative in other matters, then they’re happy to help
with household finances, holiday expenses and unexpected or
miscellaneous bills, when or if they become a burden for their
husbands. Some things women should use their own money for are:
extra luxuries for the home, herself and her children, charitable causes
and gifts for her husband, family and friends. If a man isn’t a high
earner and she accepted that from the start, she could offer to take care
of her own car expenses, such as the insurance and road tax, as a way
of helping him out.
Some men pressurise their wives to live with them in their parents’
home to save money on rent, food and bills, which is wrong, as women
are entitled to their own home if they request it. This could be a good
temporary option if the couple get married very young and the husband
doesn’t have a stable job yet and can’t afford to move out. In general
though, it’s better for women and more convenient, especially if they
wear hijab, to live separately from their in-laws, so that they have their
privacy, be free to wear what they like and aren’t in the regular
presence of other men, such as their brothers-in-law. Another issue I
see a lot in South Asian societies, in particular, is that men marry
women predominantly to (help them) take care of their elderly parents,
which is another reason they stay in their family home. Women only
find out after marriage that this is expected of them and it can be
distressing. Husbands may also travel frequently for work and their
wives are left to take care of the house and the needs of its members,
which can cause many problems.
Women shouldn’t be married so they become chefs, nurses and
caretakers for their husbands or in-laws. If they offer to take care of
their in-laws, then it’ll be considered an act of kindness on their behalf,
rather than a duty. Contrary to what a lot of men believe and assume,
cooking meals, doing the laundry and dishes, ironing clothes and
cleaning don’t fall under a wife’s duties in Islam. If a wife cooks for
her husband and cleans the house regularly, it’s counted as charity for
her. It should be a joyful expression of love and mercy from a wife to
make sure her husband has a hot meal and clean house to come home
to after work (and vice versa). Many women find men who can cook
and are domesticated very attractive and it can increase a woman’s
love for her husband to find him making the efforts to cook for her
when she’s tired. Saying that though, there are many traditional
women who take great pride in being perceived and valued as
excellent housewives and will compete with others in their cooking
skills. They’re often chosen by patriarchal men and their mothers as
brides, so that they’re ‘served’ and looked after in the best way. These
women are brought up to be housewives and are taught that because
it’s a wife’s cultural duty to do these things, it’s shameful to ask their
husbands for help with them, even when they’re exhausted and unwell.
It only becomes a duty on women to cook and clean etc when they
become mothers, as their children completely depend on them when
they’re young. As soon as they’re old enough to clean their rooms and
tidy up after themselves, it no longer becomes a parental duty for
them, but many women continue being maids to their lazy children,
even when they’re adults, which is wrong and doesn’t help them to be
better people. Muslim men who are spoiled and pampered like princes
by their mothers expect the same treatment from their wives and find it
very difficult to do chores themselves. House work should never be
forced on a woman, who will surely resent her husband for it,
especially if she’s busy with children and her own work. I can’t count
the number of times I’ve heard couples fight over house chores, when
they can be easily solved by creating a rota or hiring the help of
professional cleaners. If men help their wives by hiring cleaners or
offer to do the cooking and other chores from time to time, they’ll be
rewarded by God for that. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) enjoyed
helping his wives with the chores and never told them that it “wasn’t
his job” to do so. He was compassionate and understood that
sometimes his wives would be unwell, not in the mood, tired, in pain
and hormonal during their menstrual cycle, pregnant or resting after
birth.
Women also have the right to their own space to enjoy their hobbies
and to visit and invite their friends and family to their home. Unless a
man has a valid reason to stop his wife from practicing a particular
hobby (i.e., for safety or religious reasons) or visiting friends and
family who don’t treat him or his wife well, then he should be
understanding and accept that she has her own life and interests too.
4. The right to equal treatment if she’s a co-wife
If a man has more than one wife, then each wife is entitled to a fair and
equal share of accommodation, money, time, food and drink, medical
expenses, kind treatment and gifts. Taking away the rights of any one of his
wives will make him accountable in front of God, even if they’re unaware
of him being unjust between them.
“But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those
your right hands possess [servant girls]. That is more suitable that you may
not incline [to injustice].”
The exclusive rights of the husband

1. Family leadership and compliance
We know in Islam that the responsibility of guardianship, security,
protection, leadership and financial management of the family has
been given to men. This doesn’t mean that women don’t have a say in
the marriage, it just means that men are to be consulted as leaders and
decision-makers, but each person should lead in the area in which they
feel they have more strength. Family affairs must be conducted with
mutual agreement, consultation and cooperation for a marriage to
work, as respect must be its foundation. If a husband makes all the
decisions for the family without discussing them with his wife first, it
will cause many issues and he’ll lose the love of his wife. Both
husband and the wife have different perspectives and it’s this unique
combination of ideas that helps them make informed decisions for
their family.
“Righteous women are devoutly obedient and, when alone, protective
of what Allah has entrusted them with.”
It is advised that a woman marries a mature man she can respect,
trust, look up to and admire, because if he feels strongly about a matter
and says “no” to something, then a woman is more likely to accept it
without arguing and issues, because she trusts him to know what’s best
for their family. A husband who’s fulfilling all his duties has the right
to be obeyed, in the sense that women respect their decisions in
important matters and not make life difficult by rebelling, if there’s no
oppression or injustice taking place. Men who are temperamental and
always say “no” and don’t let their wives express their opinions,
without any explanation other than “Because I’m the man of the house
and you must obey”, are far from followers of The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) and are very unpleasant to live with. Men who are
kind and considerate of their wives’ feelings are more likely to
experience a happy marriage because (non-narcissistic) women
reciprocate their care and make more effort in taking care of their
appearance, cooking their favourite meals, not wasting men’s hard-
earned money, not being demanding, being loyal and generally become
more loving. These women will also be more likely to consider a
man’s feelings and ask for permission to do things, take his opinion
and consult him about various matters. Therefore, if a man makes his
wife feel important, he’ll gain a lot more from his marriage and be
happier.
2. The right to decide who can enter the marital home
A husband has the right to be consulted before people enter his
marital home, in case he wants to rest, isn’t in the mood to receive
guests, doesn’t like who’s visiting or purely for safety reasons. For
example, if someone needs to visit the house to fix the Internet or
install a new kitchen, the husband needs to know so he can make
arrangements to be there himself to deal with it if he’s uncomfortable
leaving his wife alone at home with a male stranger.
3. To be asked for permission before leaving the house
Another right of the husband is that his wife asks for permission to leave
the house, especially when it’s late. As he has more rights over her than
anyone else, she needs to prioritise his needs and take him into
consideration when she makes plans to go out. So, she would need to ask
her husband if he’s happy for her to go out with her friends in the evening,
in case he’s made plans for them, needs her sexually or emotionally or just
wants to spend some quality time with her. As mentioned earlier, the
husband has an important right to sexual intimacy when he needs it and
when his wife is able to. Men generally struggle more than women with
their sexual urges and so he shouldn’t be refused it without a valid reason.
If a woman dismisses his needs and insists on not consulting him before she
goes out (aside from the normal times when she goes to work etc) then it
can cause problems and he won’t feel respected or loved. This can cause
some men to seek the fulfilment of their desires, love and attention
elsewhere.
A man who has a good character, prays and has a natural tendency to be
moral in everything he does in life is easy to live with on many levels and
fulfilling his rights will be pleasant, rather than burdensome. Not only will
he be an excellent role model for his children, but will be a place of safety
for his wife too. The same applies to women who are good-natured and
easy to live with. Women who can’t rely on men to be good role models for
their children and to make intelligent decisions for the family will quickly
lose respect for them and feel the need to ‘take over’. Signs will often
appear before marriage that a man isn’t intelligent or wise, but many
women ignore them. Narcissistic women, however, prefer to have a very
controlling upper hand in the marriage if men don’t show strong leadership
qualities from the beginning, but it’s only a matter of time before they get
frustrated too and lose respect, because they’re happy depending on their
wives to take the lead and make all the important decisions in their life. If
these men aren’t doing it out of laziness, they’re doing it because they
believe it will make the come across as being super easy-going and nice,
when in fact they’re only harming themselves and the marriage by not
claiming their role as al-qawwam.
18. How to Live with a Narcissist
For some people, divorcing or leaving a narcissistic husband or wife isn’t

an option they can easily take. Their main concerns are: their young
children, not knowing where to go after, not being financially independent
enough to leave, not having any or much support from friends, family and
the community, being too attached to and in love with the narcissist, being
scared the narcissist may seriously harm them if they leave, being on their
own and feeling shame and embarrassment in front of others because their
marriage ‘failed’. Many Muslim men and women who come to me for
counselling know that their partners are narcissists, but need help with how
to deal and live with them in the best way possible or how to leave with
minimal damage. Unfortunately, because narcissism is a deep spiritual
problem, I’m unable to reassure them that their partners may change and
improve over time. The chances of a narcissist changing for the better in the
long term are highly unlikely. Once a person advances in their narcissism, it
becomes very difficult for them to change or want to change. Therefore,
when people come to ask for help and advice, I always take them back to
what God and The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) told us to do when dealing
with such a case.
“If you anticipate a split between them [husband and wife], appoint a
mediator from his family and another from hers. If they desire
reconciliation, Allah will restore harmony between them. Surely Allah is
All-Knowing, All-Aware.”
In Islam, mediation is a highly recommended process to help resolve
disagreements. It involves a neutral person who wants the best outcome for
both the husband and wife and who listens carefully and fairly to both sides
so that he or she can help them find a mutually acceptable solution to their
problems. According to The Qur’an and Hadiths, a mediator is to be
appointed from both sides of the family and should be someone who’s
trusted and wise. The mediator’s role should be to help them find common
grounds and highlight their best aspects and qualities in front of each other.
Some mediators can cause more misunderstandings and further worsen the
situation if they don’t know what they’re doing, which is why someone
with a good reputation for mediation is needed. It is also recommended that
the mediator has good observation skills and can read body language, so
that they’re able to pick up on the signs of emotional abuse that aren’t
always easy to detect. Mediation should always be kept strictly confidential
and any solutions offered must support the well-being of everyone involved
mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. For example, a mediator
shouldn’t encourage a woman to “be patient” with her husband’s abusive
behaviour to prevent divorce. Instead, support should be recommended
where needed, such as anger management or counselling. If a suitable
mediator isn’t found in one or both families, then wise family friends or
professional counsellors can fill that role and if no solution is found for the
couple, then the mediator can guide them through a peaceful and kind
divorce procedure.
Many people find that narcissists will outright refuse to acknowledge that
there’s anything wrong with them and will adamantly tell you that they’ll
continue as they are until you change your ways and stop being rebellious
and ‘difficult’. Narcissists need to acknowledge that there’s a problem with
them before they seek help and attempt to improve their behaviour. When
they do this, it’s more likely that they will accept the involvement of a
mediator and make some efforts to change their attitude and fulfil their
duties. However, because this is difficult for them, some narcissists will
agree to visit a mediator, counsellor or therapist to keep their partner in the
marriage, but they don’t do what’s needed to make it work and just show up
to the sessions to prove that they’re making an effort. If a solution has been
found by the mediator, he or she can draw up a written contract to be signed
by the couple. It may state, for example, what the husband needs to do to
make the marriage work and what his wife should be supporting him with
to make it an easier process (and vice versa). However, if any of them fail to
keep their promise of changing then it can be agreed between them that they
divorce peacefully and without difficulties. The advantage of having a
mediator is that he or she may come up with solutions they may not have
thought of before, as they’re looking at the situation from an outsider’s
perspective.
Tips to help you live with a narcissist:

These tips can be applied to parents, partners, children and anyone else
whom you know is a narcissist.
1. Pray to God for protection against the harmful actions, intentions

and plans of a narcissist.
2. Pray to God to help the narcissist heal from their disorder. Never
underestimate the power of dua and because they’re in a low
spiritual state, they’re unable to effectively pray for themselves, so
asking God to guide and help them will be very beneficial for both
you and them.
3. Everyone has a good side to them and if we focus on the good
qualities, their narcissistic traits will become less of a problem.
4. Feed their ego and make them feel good about themselves. This will
keep them in a good mood, which makes life with them more
bearable.
5. Ignore and overlook their faults and issues to maintain the peace,
especially when they get defensive about their bad habits.
6. Be willing to always take the blame, forgive and apologise, even
when you’re not in the wrong.
7. Learn more about narcissists and their behaviour and manipulation
tactics, so that you’re mentally prepared for them and learn how to
subtly play their games, without getting harmed in the process.
8. Don’t confront them and let them know that you know they’re
narcissists. It’ll highly offend them and they’ll find ways to punish
you for it.
9. Find a trusted counsellor or friend to talk to when needed. Living
with and tolerating a narcissist can trigger many mental health
issues, such as anxiety, fear, anger and resentment and so it’s
important to look after yourself to stay focused and ‘sane’. Speaking
with wise people and professionals will help you to deal with the
narcissist and advise you on the various decisions you’ll need to
make. Don’t ever unload your problems onto your children and treat
them like your counsellors and therapists. This will make them co-
dependent and burden them with worries they shouldn’t be carrying.
The negative thoughts and feelings within yourself and about your
partner shouldn’t be shared with your children.
10. Make sincere efforts to strengthen your connection with God, so that
you protect your mental and spiritual health. Your happiness comes
from within and not the narcissist, so seek solace and comfort in
your prayers and in believing that God will take care of you,
especially if you’re in a vulnerable situation where you feel ‘stuck’.
11. Book regular spa treatments to relax and make the efforts do things
that make you happy, such as fun activities, reading, hobbies and
exercise to ‘recharge’ and avoid falling into depression. Get your
children involved in activities too, both religious and physical, to
protect their mental health and so they can have regular breaks from
any negativity at home. Teach children from a young age the
importance of spirituality and a connection with God, so they can
find comfort in prayers too.
Not all these tips will be easy to follow, especially for those who hate to
apologise when they didn’t do anything wrong, but they’re important for
people who feel they have no other choice but to maintain a peaceful
relationship with narcissists. In the worst-case scenario, narcissists will
display an increase in abusive behaviour when they see that their partners
are getting on with life and aren’t bothered much by what they do and this
is when serious action will need to be taken to exit the situation. Domestic
violence is often reported in such cases where women are caught trying to
leave or are found seeking marital advice from others who encourage them
to leave. If a woman’s life and children are in danger, then it’s not advised
to encourage her to leave and apply for a divorce until she’s in a safe place
to do so. Many women need to seek refuge with their family, friends or
wherever they feel safe and protected before applying for a khula. A khula
should be pursued if an abusive husband doesn’t change his ways and
refuses to grant his wife a divorce on the grounds that she’s unable to stay
with him, feel safe with him and fulfil his marital rights. If you can’t leave
the marriage then the previous eleven tips can be implemented to try and
diffuse the issues and if they’re effective and the narcissists become more
bearable to live with, then the situation can be managed and maintained
with some professional help and support from friends and family members.
19. The Problematic Khula Procedure
It has been reported by many women I’ve spoken to that the strong presence
of ‘religious’ narcissists in our societies has made the khula process in
Islamic courts a traumatic experience emotionally, financially and mentally.
There are three types of khula cases:
1. A husband agrees to divorce his wife in return for the dowry outside
the court.
2. A husband agrees to divorce his wife in return for the dowry after
the intervention of a Muslim judge.
3. A husband doesn’t agree to divorce his wife in return for the dowry
after the intervention of a Muslim judge.
In the first case, a Muslim man who no longer wishes to stay with his
wife because she doesn’t love him (or for any other fair reason) will agree
to part ways in a civil manner. These men are often practicing, God-fearing
and understand that a divorce is the best solution for them, after mediation
and trying to make the marriage work. A wife should give the dowry back if
her husband requests it in exchange for a verbal divorce. In The Qur’an (Al-
Baqarah, 229-230), God has commanded that a divorce (from either men or
women) should be carried out swiftly, peacefully and with kindness, as
opposed to what we unfortunately see today, which is people going to war
in court and destroying each other in the process.
“But if they separate [by divorce], Allah will enrich each [of them] from
His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise.”
This verse indicates that if the divorce is given on easy, ethical, kind and
civil terms, then God will reward and compensate each person with
something better and that could be a spouse or rizq in another form. The
reward will also be higher if a man gives up his right to take the dowry
back, especially if he knows that she’s in need of it, to make the divorce
process easier for his wife and as a gesture of kindness for the good times
they had.
“And to forego it [the dowry] is nearer to righteousness. And do not forget
graciousness between you [good memories]. Indeed Allah, of whatever you
do, is Seeing.”
Women who are divorced before their marriage is consummated are
entitled to keep only half of their dowry, but God says that if they give it
back to men it’s better for them too, as an act of compassion and kindness.
If a marriage is consummated, a woman is entitled to keep the full dowry if
a man divorces her. Therefore, if a woman isn’t in need of the dowry and a
man has divorced her because she no longer wants him, then it would be
considered a kind gesture from her to give up her right to keep it if she
knows he’s in need of it. God encourages us to have mercy towards each
other so that He can reward us with His ultimate mercy.
The second case refers back to the story of Jameelah, the wife of Thabit
Ibn Qays (ra), who asked for a divorce, but he loved her and was finding it
difficult to let her go. She asked for the help and advice of The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) who could see that it wasn’t in Thabit’s (ra) best
interests also to remain with her and requested him to divorce her promptly
in return for his dowry. The intervention of a judge helps to prevent any
oppression from happening on both sides.
The third case is the hardest and is the one in which most women suffer.
If a narcissist hasn’t ‘discarded’ you first by divorcing you after finding
another victim, they’ll make life a living hell if you choose to leave, or
according to them ‘discard’ them first. They feel extremely offended that
you don’t want to continue being their punching bag and their ego takes a
painful hit. If a narcissist doesn’t have a backup option or harem garage and
if they aren’t ‘done’ with abusing you and extracting benefits from you,
then prepare for an Oscar-winning performance in court. They will fake cry,
beg, lie, play the victim and drag the khula process by not cooperating or
turning up to court appointments. Their aim is to get the judge to feel sorry
for them, which is very frustrating to watch.
I remember some women in Saudi who were sent back to their marital
homes by a Muslim judge who rejected their reasons for divorce and
requested that the women “return to their minds”, “fear God” and make
more efforts to keep the family together. Unfortunately, these women only
returned home to endure more abuse, because their husbands were angry
that their secrets were exposed in court. I also remember some women who
were dragged through khula procedures for years and lost a lot of money on
lawyers and other legal fees in the process. Waiting times for khula
appointments in Saudi used to drag on for months and a woman would be
lucky if the judge turned up for it. If he didn’t, (because he either forgot,
overslept, double-booked, was ill or didn’t feel like coming in) and no other
judge was available to cover his session that day, then another appointment
would have to be made, which typically took up to three months. If a
woman’s family had high connections at the court, she’d have a better
chance of getting an appointment within a month.
Many Muslim husbands in Saudi also blackmailed their wives and told
them that if they wish to get a divorce, they’d have to pay a large sum of
money (in addition to the dowry), return all their gold, jewellery and gifts or
hand over some of their assets. Some even went as far as sending wedding,
honeymoon and holiday bills and requested that their wives pay back some,
if not half of their living expenses (including the rent of their marital home).
Some women agreed to this in return for a quick verbal divorce, because
they knew that a khula process in court would take much longer and they
were desperate to be freed from these men. Due to the difficulties in
obtaining a khula from the court, countless women and children were
forced to stay in abusive relationships and lost out on their rights. When the
laws and divorce procedures were greatly eased for women in Saudi, the
courts saw a dramatic surge in online khula applications from women as old
as sixty-eight who found a golden opportunity to finally leave their toxic
husbands. Under new laws, a woman can now obtain a divorce during just
one hearing appointment if she has the dowry ready to return. Women are
also no longer requested to provide evidence for domestic violence and
drug abuse etc. Judges previously made it a requirement for women to
provide various forms of evidence to validate their reasons for divorce,
however, The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) himself didn’t request this from
the wife of Thabit (ra), as it was enough for him to know that she was
unable to fulfil her Islamic duties towards him. At the time of The Prophet
(pbuh), men respected his judgement and decisions and did as he asked,
however, nowadays, men don’t always respect a judge who orders them to
divorce their wives in return for the dowry. Therefore, if a judge is fair and
can see that a man is deliberately keeping his wife hostage in the marriage
and not treating her well, then he’ll issue a faskh to release her.
The main issue women faced and continue to face in some courts around
the world is the inability to provide evidence for emotional, spiritual and
psychological abuse. Narcissists create dramas and claim that their spouses
are crazy, mentally unwell and don’t care about their children who need
them. Narcissists either come across as being the caring spouse who wants
to fix their marriage or play the victim card. After both performances,
judges will try to delay the khula procedure and pressurize couples to take
up counselling in an attempt to solve the couple’s issues and lower the
number of divorces that take place. While the high divorce rate is an
understandable concern, it’s also a concerning fault on behalf of Muslim
judges who place statistics over the wellbeing of Muslim women and
children. A judge should accept a woman’s claim that she can no longer
stay in a marriage, especially if she’s already been through the mediation
process and focus on a more practical solution to ensure a civil and peaceful
divorce process that secures her rights and the rights of any children she
may have. By not doing so, judges are contributing to the detrimental
consequences of people staying in toxic marriages.
During The Islamic Golden Age, the Muslim world witnessed great
peace, justice and wisdom among Muslim scholars and judges. Young boys
who displayed signs of emotional intelligence were scouted by scholars
from a young age and trained to be community leaders and judges. Scholars
knew that people in these positions need to be highly intelligent, observant,
skilled in psychology and human behaviour and able to think outside the
box so they can issue the correct ruling for a case. However, since the fall of
The Ottoman Empire and the effects of western colonialism, the dynamic
shifted and the most intelligent boys were selected to become doctors and
engineers and religious leadership was forced to take a back seat.
Unfortunately, in Saudi, those who fail their high school exams or can’t
afford to go to ‘good schools’ are given the option to study Islam and The
Qur’an, as it’s the only subject area that doesn’t require high exam grades.
Therefore, the study of Islam, for the most part, has been associated with
the ‘failures’ and poor people and because of this you’ll rarely find elites
and wealthy students in the Islamic colleges. The higher your social status,
the more secular your education will be. Also, as it’s the only option some
people have to get a degree, you’ll find them being careless with their
studies, as most of them aren’t religious and don’t have any interest in the
subject. They just do what’s required of them to pass the exams so that they
can qualify to be judges, teachers and get paid work. This is the reason why
many people in the religious field of work are corrupt, because they didn’t
study Islam and The Qur’an out of love, but because they had no other
option. Those who enjoy studying Islam are the international students who
dream of traveling to Saudi to obtain their knowledge and degrees from
‘The Holy Land’.
Due to the great shift in social and educational priorities, many Islamic
courts have stood on shaky legs enabling many people to get away with
abuse, oppression and other crimes, because there are judges who aren’t
intelligent, God-fearing or wise. Their loyalty will also lie with their
relatives, men, elites, royalty and bribe-givers during a court case, even
when they’re in the wrong. Islamic rights aren’t being given where they’re
due and some misogynistic judges request evidence for difficult matters,
such as emotional abuse that’s almost impossible to get unless it’s in writing
(i.e., emails and texts) to make it difficult for women to obtain their basic
rights. I don’t claim here that all Muslim leaders and judges are
incompetent, but I do believe that many are lacking in psychological skills
and that they place far too much importance on decreasing the Muslim
divorce rate at the expense of the spiritual and overall wellbeing of women
and children in toxic marriages. Many Muslim judges around the world
claim that they’re trying to prevent women from facing the personal
consequences of khula, as they believe that women are too emotional and
impulsive and will regret it later, especially if children are involved. They
believe it’s the judge’s responsibility to keep families together by delaying
the divorce or by making it difficult and expensive. In some countries,
women have to pay to apply for a khula, which is now £600 plus VAT and a
£250 application fee payable to the Shariah Council in the UK (if hiring a
solicitor) and £425 (without a solicitor), plus pay for counselling, legal fees
and on top of that, the dowry (which many can’t afford to return). To
protect women from these financial hardships, men shouldn’t be allowed by
judges to prolong the khula process if they don’t accept the dowry in return
for a divorce early on. Women should also not be requested by judges to
return the dowry if they’ve provided evidence that they’re seeking a khula
because their husbands are abusive. Buraydah (ra) reported that The
“The judges are three kinds: Two judges are in Hellfire and one judge is in
Paradise. A man who judges without the truth while he knows it, he is in
Hellfire. A judge who has no knowledge and violates the rights of people,
he is in Hellfire. A judge who judges with the truth, he is in Paradise.”
Narcissistic Muslim men who agree to give large dowries know that if a
woman wanted to leave the marriage later, after seeing who they truly are
behind the mask, she’d need to apply for khula. Therefore, they wouldn’t
make it easy for a woman to leave by issuing a verbal divorce. They’ll
continue with their abuse and behaviour until their wives get fed up and feel
compelled to head to the court. Many of these men have often been through
a khula process before, in which they’ve been defeated and humiliated and
so they already know how to play the game. Women initially are so happy
and impressed when narcissists give them a large dowry, not knowing that
they’ll be the ones who’ll encourage their wives to apply for a khula later
that’ll more often than not be in their favour.
I remember meeting some women in court when I was doing my
research, who had provided these reasons for khula: “He didn’t (or
couldn’t) buy me the things I wanted”, “He’s unable to provide me with the
lifestyle I want” and “I don’t like his family”. Their divorce applications
were rejected by judges on the grounds that the reasons were ‘trivial’. They
were reminded to “fear God” and “stop being silly”. However, in Islam, it’s
a woman’s right to accept or not accept the financial status of her husband
and the lifestyle he provides for her, but if his character is good and he’s a
God-fearing man, then she’s advised to be patient and stay with him, if she
can. If she insists on a divorce though, she should be granted one by the
court and bear the responsibility of her decision. For example, she may get
re-married to a wealthy man who has a bad character and mistreats her, or
struggle for years to find a good man again who’d want to marry her. I also
came across women who wanted a divorce because they weren’t receiving
their rights to intimacy, so either their husbands had a health problem or
they just weren’t getting their needs met for various reasons. This is a very
valid reason for divorce in Islam for men and women, but these women
specified other reasons for khula in their application, such as ‘they don’t
love their husbands’, in order to save themselves, their husbands and their
families from embarrassment and shame if they’re required to reveal details
about their intimate relationship. As a result, women were denied khula
because, according to the judges, they didn’t have a good enough reason. In
circumstances like these, a man’s faith is greatly tested by God because he
knows why his wife is asking for a divorce but chooses oppression over
being a moral Muslim.
20. Civil Divorce Issues
Another stressful procedure that many Muslims have to go through in non-

Muslim countries is civil divorce. Those who choose to register their
marriages with their local government councils need to complete legal
agreements that are finalised after an Islamic divorce and can be prolonged
if a husband or wife isn’t being cooperative. Obtaining a civil divorce is
much more expensive and exhausting when dealing with a narcissist, who’s
prepared to lie to get what he or she wants from the divorce settlement. It is
therefore no surprise that many Muslims avoid a civil marriage entirely
after seeing others suffer and unfairly lose thousands of pounds in legal
fees, assets and sometimes child custody to narcissists. Muslim women who
go through two stressful divorce procedures often come out of them
depressed and drained emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually and
mentally. People shouldn’t ever rush into a civil marriage before being sure
of the person they’re married to.
According to the laws in most large mosques in the UK, Muslims can’t
have an Islamic marriage without providing evidence of a civil marriage
ceremony first. The reasoning behind this is to ensure that women and
children, in particular, get their legal rights to child support and
maintenance money, should an Islamic divorce happen. Due to our weak
Islamic social and court system, Muslim leaders have had to comply with
western legal systems that take child and parental rights more seriously to
ensure that women and children receive what they’re due. Western courts
make the effort to track down the fathers of abandoned children and hold
them responsible. If they’re found, they’re ordered to pay an agreed amount
of child support and if they don’t do so, despite being able to afford it, then
they may be fined and even jailed for failing to follow an official court
order. This is often the last resort, as it’s encouraged that children see their
fathers in a healthy environment and not during prison visits, but it does
happen. Other forms of punishment for not paying child support can include
the suspension of a business license, revoking a driving license, spending
less time with the children and other things that would make a man’s life
difficult. Unfortunately, there are some Muslim men (always narcissists)
who pretend to be unemployed or choose to be unemployed but earn money
from ‘cash-in-hand’ jobs, so they don’t have to pay child maintenance to
their exes. Once a man is employed, he’s legally required to pay child
maintenance in accordance with how much he earns, but because his
relationship with the mother of his child(ren) ended on bad terms, he’ll
punish her by not giving her maintenance money. Some narcissists do pay,
if there’s someone on their case about it (usually a man related to his ex-
wife) or if there’s a benefit in it for them. Either way, I find it incredibly sad
that a secular system takes this matter more seriously than Muslims do, as
Islam already stipulates the rights of men, women and children before,
during and after marriage and divorce. However, many Muslims fear the
western court of justice more than their Creator and are more likely to
comply with their legal laws. This in itself is a major problem and pushes
people to wonder why it’s easier for women to get their rights from a
secular system than the Islamic one. Therefore, it’s no surprise that many
women are leaving Islam all around the world. Failing to enforce correct
Islamic law in societies has detrimental consequences on the Ummah and
will also prevent people from considering Islam as a way of life and living
in Muslim communities.
Divorce processes are usually highly complex and stressful if children
are involved. Narcissists are notorious for using their children to punish the
parent who wishes to leave. They’ll work hard to not only turn the children
against you but also create scenarios to prove to the judge that you’re not a
good parent and why they should have custody of the children. I’ve come
across Muslim men who spent over £40k in legal fees, because they were
deprived of seeing their children or had to see them under supervision
because their ex-wives lied in court about being victims of domestic abuse
and Islamic extremism. What makes it worse is that narcissists aren’t
capable of raising children in a healthy and Islamic manner, but people have
been forced to accept it because they managed to get their way in court.
Narcissists will gaslight you, in front of your children, so they get their
support when they tell the judge that it’s you who’s always angry and
screams, shouts, throws things and smacks them. Your reactions to their
gaslighting helps them a lot in court later. It enrages them when you don’t
react to their gaslighting. People who aren’t aware of their well-crafted
plan, will find the whole court ordeal a living hell. If your children are
unfairly taken from you, trust that God has allowed it to happen for a
reason. It is only a matter of time until children see their narcissistic parents
for who they really are and request to return to you, but it can be tragic for
people to lose their children in custody cases. Some people lose their minds
and in more extreme cases, become suicidal, which is why and I can’t stress
on this enough, marrying narcissistic people has to be avoided at all costs,
because they’re incredibly cruel and heartless and will work relentlessly to
take everything you love away from you.
I often recommend that men and women who are financially able or can
get charitable or state-funded legal aid (you can contact your local Citizens
Advice Bureau for help), to hire a solicitor/lawyer or someone trusted to act
on their behalf in court. Not only will this infuriate the narcissists, as they
lose the chance to torment them in court, it’ll save them from the stress by
placing the case into the hands of someone who’s used to the court system
and knows how to deal with narcissists. If they’re called in for any reason
then they can attend with the solicitor or the person they’ve legally
appointed to represent them. In Arab countries, this process is called
assigning a wikalah (power of attorney) to someone to act on your behalf
(this person can be a family member). This was the route I personally took
and it was a much easier and more convenient.
The second most difficult and unfair part of the civil divorce process is
the non-Islamic division of assets before a divorce can take place.
Narcissists are more than happy to take what they’re not entitled to. For
example, if a woman owns a house, it’s not the Islamic right of her husband
to take any portion of it in a divorce settlement. Men also face difficult
situations in which women unfairly take a large portion of their assets,
leaving them depleted and depressed. It is important that Muslims are given
the choice of getting married legally before an Islamic marriage, because
having the civil marriage as a pre-requisite can have detrimental
consequences on people’s faith and life. When men and women fear God,
they won’t take anything more than what they’re entitled to Islamically,
unless it’s been offered to them out of kindness, generosity and free will.
One of my neighbours who didn’t have a civil marriage willingly gave his
ex-wife a share of his company as a token of appreciation for everything
she sacrificed to help him build it and for being a great mother to his
children. Despite the marriage not working out, he wanted to end it on a
kind note, maintain good relations for the sake of the children and show
them how these matters can be resolved without bitterness, anger and
resentment. This is an example of the mercy God wants us to show each
other when we go through a divorce. If we don’t act with mercy and
kindness, not only are we making life more difficult than it is, we’re also
putting people off getting married and doing what’s pleasing to God. I know
of Muslim couples who didn’t divorce in court and sorted it out peacefully
between them and they did a fantastic job of co-parenting, so that the
children have two healthy and happy homes to live in. I witnessed the
promise of God come true for them (how He will compensate those who
part in kindness) when He blessed them both with great spouses and step-
parents for their children. This experience taught others who know them
that it’s better to divorce and raise children in a happier home with someone
else than to keep them trapped in an unhappy marriage, just so they can be
raised with both biological parents. This helps children learn and
understand that sometimes a divorce can be a blessing when done in the
right way instead of a disastrous trauma.
The consequences of being involved with a narcissist can have a ripple
effect not just in your life, but the lives of your children and families too. If
you’re in a toxic relationship and don’t have children yet, I highly advise
you to get in touch with support groups, helplines, friends and family
members, charities that deal with mental health, neighbours or shelters, to
help you leave a relationship that’s destroying your faith, identity, character
and general wellbeing. Narcissistic abuse only gets worse with time and the
longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. If a Muslim woman goes to
her family to escape from her abuser, her family shouldn’t turn her away
out of fear that people in the community will “start gossiping” and because
they don’t want to be responsible for her. It’s the Islamic duty of the men in
her family to look after her when she’s in such a situation. Many traditional
mothers dread their daughters returning and asking for divorce and they tell
them to tolerate as much as they can in their marriage, because they
absolutely can’t bring shame to the family. If they’re welcomed back, some
families expect the women to contribute financially. Some are even
requested to spend money on their younger siblings too who are studying,
getting married and need help, as they assume the woman won’t get
remarried anytime soon and that they should ‘make use’ of her. Other
women are luckier to have caring and loving families who are very
supportive and welcoming without expecting anything in return. It really is
about time we stop caring about what others think and prioritise the mental
health of women who are raising the next generation of Muslims. If women
prefer to live alone after divorce, they need to make sure they’re living in a
safe area where they can easily find support and be in the company of good
friends. Narcissists are known to stalk and threaten their victims, so a
restraining order may be needed. It is very important for male relatives and
neighbours to look out for Muslim women who live alone, so that they feel
protected and cared for. If a Muslim woman doesn’t have protective male
relatives, turning to the local authorities will be the next best thing.
At the end of the day, what determines the outcome of a marriage most
often lies in the reasons and intentions for getting married in the first place
and this is what needs to be addressed and focused on more to prevent an
increase in future divorces, rather than trying to prevent people from getting
divorced. We need more workshops and Muslim role models to educate
young people about marriage so that they enter healthier relationships and
avoid unnecessary issues and hardships that come as a result of marrying
the wrong person.
21. The Healing Journey
The best and most lasting healing journeys always start with education,
acknowledging what we’ve been through and understanding how all our
experiences since birth have influenced us to be who we are today. I’ve read
a wide range of self-love and self-help books that dive into exercises,
meditations and activities we can do to move on and make ourselves feel
better. However, without a true and deep understanding of Islam, our
traumas, parents and upbringing, the newfound feeling of peace and
happiness may not last very long and we can find ourselves back to square
one and feeling depressed, hopeless and attracting the same negativity and
toxic people into our lives. My own healing journey didn’t start until I
received counselling from my best friend, who also does it professionally.
She managed to help me discover the root causes of my issues, which
greatly inspired me to help others do the same. I can’t stress enough on how
important (Islamic) counselling is for most people, who need to be pointed
in the right direction and be saved from further self-destruction. During my
years of counselling people, I saw how liberating it was for them to reach
an understanding about what they, their siblings and their parents had been
through and managed to make peace with their traumas and move on. They
were able, after many internal struggles, to forgive themselves for accepting
abuse and also forgave others, which helped them to heal. Understanding
personality disorders with an empathic state of mind will allow you to
detach yourself from the guilt and self-blame of what happened to you.
Understanding how people become co-dependents, narcissists, sociopaths
and psychopaths helps us to clearly see the changes that need to be made in
our lives in order to avoid developing personality disorders and those who
have them. Sometimes, it’s the most traumatic experiences that make us
stronger as Muslims and human beings, because they teach us how to build
resilient boundaries, faith and self-respect.
The subject of narcissism and mental health issues doesn’t have to be all
doom and gloom. The positive side of it is that it’ll teach you skills and
strategies to help you avoid and deal with problematic people, which will
serve you in all areas of life, including at work. It is important to know that
there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, if we allow ourselves to see it,
be brave enough to put our wellbeing first and believe that we, as God’s
beloved creation, deserve better. I hope that by the end of the book, most
readers, if not all, will know the type of nafs they possess, as a starting
point and make the decision to start their healing journey.
Now that I’ve explained the problems plaguing our Muslim societies and
the reasons behind them, I’d like to address various productive things that
we can do to improve our lives spiritually, mentally, emotionally and
physically, so that our negative experiences empower our spirits rather than
destroy them. Follow these steps to discover or revive your faith, self-love,
self-respect, self-worth, inner peace, purpose and happiness.
1. Forgive yourself and those who hurt you

Whether people are narcissists, co-dependents or even psychopaths,
everyone needs to understand that to be able to forgive others, it’s
important they forgive themselves first. When we realise that our
characters have been shaped by our parenting, upbringing and life
choices, we can make an active decision to change what influences us.
As people come to understand that their parents are victims of Satan
and their own upbringing too, they can feel more compassion instead
of hate for them and how they were raised. Forgiving parents and
carers starts with forgiving ourselves for taking everything personally
when we were being manipulated, for blaming ourselves for things that
weren’t in our control and for being unaware that we were being
abused as children. People also need to forgive themselves for not
knowing about narcissism or co-dependency and as a result didn’t
know how to deal with troubled parents and other people. People also
need to forgive themselves for not standing up for themselves, for not
receiving or having the courage to ask for what they wanted and
deserved and for being so loving, caring and giving to those who
didn’t deserve it and treated them badly. Many people carry the burden
of blame and guilt for the problematic things that other people do to
them, such as abandonment or cheating. When someone abandons or
betrays you, it speaks volumes about their character and not your self-
worth. However, many people allow their self-esteem to take the hit
and their mental health pays for the sin someone else has committed.
Disconnecting who we are as people from the sins and behaviour of
others is crucial for our mental health. I can’t count the number of
wonderful and beautiful people who suddenly felt ugly and worthless,
after someone immoral betrayed them. People need to stop carrying
the burden of other people’s sins, because not only can it stay with
them for years, it’ll become a part of who they are and their
insecurities will rise to the surface in every relationship after that. This
is how it ruins people’s lives, especially when toxic people blame the
innocent for their behaviour. Narcissistic parents behave in the same
way because that’s how they know parenting to be and so it’s
important their children remove the feelings given to them of guilt,
shame and weakness to carry. This isn’t always easy to do alone and I
recommend professional counselling for those who are struggling to
forgive themselves and disconnect their beliefs and self-worth from the
behaviour of narcissistic parents, partners, family members, friends
and colleagues.
All our experiences, good and bad, are life lessons given to us by
God that teach us about different people. Everyone must face their
enemies in a boxing ring and get hurt a few times before they learn
their tactics and become stronger and smarter fighters. Mike Tyson
didn’t become a world champion overnight. He had to take hundreds
of painful punches and kicks before he was able to become resilient to
them and learn all the tricks and moves of his opponents, so he could
fight back efficiently and successfully. Some people need to be in the
boxing ring for more time than others, but there will come a day when
they’ll surely learn how to defend themselves and not get knocked
down and this can be by having more experience, education or
awareness of what and who they’re dealing with. It is important that
we treat ourselves the same way we treat our loved ones when they
need comfort. We wouldn’t torment them and tell them how terrible
and stupid they are when they need us after making mistakes, but
many people find it acceptable to treat themselves like this. This
comes from a place of self-hate and loathing and it’s important we
forgive ourselves in a loving way, instead of mentally beating
ourselves up over our naivety and what happened. Once we make
peace with this, we can take the time to mentally process that
problematic people have all been deprived from healthy love, care,
empathic parents, attention and a good Islamic upbringing since
childhood. I found that when people do this, anger turns to sympathy
and once we’re able to reach this level of compassion, we’re able to
forgive them, let the past go and move on.
“Indeed, The Day of Judgement is approaching, so pardon [those who
wrong you] with most graceful pardon [without revenge].”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Hijr: 85)
When we find the ability to forgive ourselves and others, seeking
forgiveness from God becomes more fruitful, because we pray with
clean hearts. I’m not saying that it’s easy to forgive others or that
people should only seek God’s forgiveness after they’ve managed to
forgive themselves and others, no, as Muslims we should be praying
every day and seeking guidance and God’s mercy, regardless of the
sins we’re committing, but our prayers will feel different when we’re
performing them with a sound mind and heart. You’ll find that you
really enjoy your prayers more, when you’re not performing them with
a lot of negativity and hate inside you for others. I’ve seen even
narcissistic people be able to start praying after they’ve forgiven their
parents and themselves for what they’ve been through, but it took them
a long time to find the strength to do so. In Islam, our love for God
motivates us to follow His commands and reach Paradise. However,
God doesn’t praise us or give us immediate feedback for following His
commands. Therefore, the narcissistic supply that’s needed to boost
their self-esteem is lacking when they try to follow Islam and they feel
depressed and unmotivated as a result. It takes a strong person to want
to change and make the decision to trust that God will be pleased with
his or her efforts, but it can be done if there’s a will. Many people, if
not most, who harbour negative thoughts, feelings and beliefs about
themselves and others will struggle to see the goodness in prayers and
God, which is why they’re often disconnected from Him and aren’t
able to make the required efforts to repent and turn to Him for help and
guidance. They’re also more vulnerable than others to the whispers of
their qareen that tells them not to bother praying because they’re
terrible people who have committed too many sins to be forgiven.
However, the doors of forgiveness are always open and God invites us
to His mercy every day. Anas (ra) reported that The Prophet
“Allah the Almighty said: ‘O son of Adam, so long as you call upon
Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done and I
shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of
the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive
you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great
as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me,
I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it.’”
(Sunan Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith Qudsi: 34)
“But those who committed misdeeds and then repented after them and
believed - indeed your Lord, thereafter, is Forgiving and Merciful.”
People need to be reminded that they need to seek forgiveness from
those they’ve wronged too in order to repent sincerely, because if they
don’t ask for forgiveness and amend a situation, then those who were
oppressed by their bad treatment will continue to ask God for justice.
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) warned us many times about the
seriousness of oppression.
“Beware of the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier
between it and Allah.”
(Sunan Al-Tirmidhi, Book 27: 120)
God tells us that it is He alone who can guide people to change and
repent and that we have no power over others. Many people spend
years feeling bitterness, resentment and anger towards those who
wronged them because they never received a sincere apology or
closure from them to be able to move on. Waiting for this from
narcissists is usually a complete waste of time and mental energy. They
don’t tend to apologize, as they can’t bear to hand over their power to
you and admit that they’re the weaker flawed person. Therefore,
because we now know they’re weak, forgiving them, even in secret
between you and God, will free you from the grudges and pain that
they’ve inflicted on you and burdened you with. A narcissist’s worst
nightmare is seeing his or her victims find the strength to forgive them,
get over them, be happy and move on with their lives, because it’s
something they’re unable to do themselves. Understanding the reasons
behind your acceptance of their abuse is more beneficial for you than
hating them, as they only treated you in the way you allowed them to.
Sometimes in relationships, we’re unsure of the limits of tolerance to
have with someone or because we aren’t aware of their mental health
problems, which is why there aren’t any strong boundaries in place
that stop them from regularly violating them. However, learning from
the mistakes makes us stronger people and leads us to this wonderful
place of understanding and healing.
So, once we forgive ourselves, forgive others and seek forgiveness
from those we’ve hurt intentionally and unintentionally, we’ll be free
from the chains that keep us tied to our negative thoughts and our
spiritual hearts will finally be able to heal from its diseases. Sometimes
an apology isn’t enough for someone to forgive you and they prefer to
see your apology in action, which could be the fixing of a situation. If
people find that those they wronged still don’t want to forgive them,
after seeking their forgiveness and making amends, then pray that God
softens their hearts and gives them the ability to one day forgive you.
2. Improve your relationship with God
As Muslims, we must believe that everything happens by the will of
God and that the people who come into our lives are sent either as a
blessing or a lesson. If we know deep down that we’re good people
who don’t harm others, then there’s no reason to believe that God is
punishing us through a painful experience. Rather, He’s training us to
become better Muslims who are able to fight the evil in this world and
gain greater rewards. No matter how difficult the experience is, there’s
always a valuable lesson to learn from it.
“Put your trust in Allah. Allah loves those who trust in Him.”
Know that God loves us and that even if He allows us to go through
the same cycle of hardships, it’s only because we haven’t learned the
lessons yet. God’s love for us as His precious creation is greater than
that of our mothers and He’s more merciful to us than a mother is to
her new born child, so we must always think the best of God to truly
feel His love. It is only then will we be able to see the lesson in every
hardship, because if we don’t, then it becomes easier to believe that
He’s punishing us. Abu Hurairah (ra) narrated that The Prophet
“Allah says: ‘I am just as My slave thinks I am, [i.e. I am able to do
for him what he thinks I can do for him] and I am with him if He
remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in
Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him
in a group that is better than them; and if he comes one span nearer to
Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to
Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he
comes to Me walking, I go to him running.’”
(Sahih Al-Bukhari, Hadith Qudsi: 7405)
I also encourage you to perfect and spend more time in performing
your prayers and focusing on your dua. Making dua is a form of
worship that lets you pour your heart out to The One Who can take
away all the pain and worries. You’ll feel a great sense of tranquillity
when you make dua, as if you’re talking to God. A tip to help you
focus and do this in the best way is to designate a peaceful area in your
house for the prayers away from distractions. You could light some
fragrant candles at night, set up some warm lighting or fairy lights and
burn incense in the room to make it a pleasant environment in which
the prayers are honoured and enjoyed. I also advise women to buy a
beautiful prayer gown and mat and it helps to spray some of your
favourite perfume on them too, because if you’re going to stand in
front of God, make sure you look and smell your best. You could also
purchase a translated copy of The Qur’an, a book of daily
supplications, a copy of The Seerah (biography of The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh)) and other Islamic books, such as ‘Stories of the
Prophets’ and ‘Men and Women Around The Prophet’ by Ibn Katheer
to learn more about Islam. True submission to God and Islam as a way
of life can only be achieved when you’re aware of your inner essence,
yourself as a soul and a spiritual being living on this earth. Once you
achieve this level of awareness, you’ll naturally seek to stay connected
with God, as this is what our soul yearns for and is our natural and
pure state of being. In this state of being, your own will is naturally
aligned with the will of God and trusting Him with everything will
improve your life in every way.
When we have God as our closest friend, we will worry less about
the future and mundane things and enjoy worship more. If you’re able
to wake up for voluntary night prayers (Tahajjud) before Fajr, do so,
especially on a Friday, as this will greatly increase your connection
with God. God elevates those who make the effort to pray on time, not
miss prayers, wake up for the night prayer, seek knowledge and read
The Qur’an regularly, are good to others, strive to do a good deed
every day (even if it’s small) and observe voluntary fasts now and
again (preferably Mondays and Thursdays) to earn His pleasure. If
God has blessed you financially, seek out those who need charity. You
can also spread happiness by uplifting and taking care of the people
around you. This could be by giving a box of chocolates to your friend
who’s been feeling down lately, some homemade food to an auntie
who’s just come out of hospital or some beneficial books to a new
Muslim. Enjoying the worship rituals and little acts of charity will
open doors for you and make you feel much better. With time, the
disease of the heart within will be lifted and you’ll no longer feel that
dark anxiety and depression. Abu Hurairah (ra) narrated that The
“Allah said: ‘O son of Adam! Devote yourself to My worship, I will fill
your chest with riches and alleviate your poverty. If you do not do so, I
will cause you to become preoccupied and not alleviate your
poverty.’”
Another way to draw close to God and earn His rewards is to
volunteer at a charity organisation. By volunteering, you’ll get a
chance to see those who are less fortunate than you and who will
appreciate your kindness and empathy. This will increase gratitude in
your heart and when gratitude becomes our main state of being, God
sends us more blessings to be grateful for.
“And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I
will surely increase you [in blessings].’”
I truly believe that it’s a great blessing to be educated and aware of
what is both good and bad within ourselves and the people around us.
If God has given you the strength to leave a toxic relationship or has
saved you from falling into an even more difficult hardship, then it’s
very important to show gratitude to God for it. Always remember that
no matter how difficult the situation is that you’re in, it could always
be much worse and for this we need to show appreciation for God’s
mercy in our prayers and good conduct and be reminded that every
hardship in life is given to us by God because He knows that we can
handle them once we understand that they’re just trials and tests. This
is why it’s so important to have good friends who’ll remind you of this
each time you pass through a difficult time in your life. If you don’t
have these types of friends, I highly suggest that you make some
efforts to visit places where good people meet and make new friends or
change the social circle you belong to. When you have good friends
who comfort and remind you of God and your purpose in life, you’ll
be far less likely to fall into depression, anxiety and fear.
3. Prioritize your goals, passions and interests
This may sound selfish, but it’s not. It is in your greater interest to
put yourself first so that both you and others live with positive energy.
Pursuing your goals and dreams is your way of telling people that you
have priorities in life that matter to you and that you have a strong
identity. People who are passionate and driven are attractive to others,
as they know what they want, are admired for their drive to succeed
and aren’t easily distracted from their goals. Pursuing your goals also
makes you unavailable for trivial matters and when you’re busy with
productive things you’ll become more interesting and desirable to like-
minded people. So, if you don’t already have a passion, start thinking
about what interests you and what you can start pursuing from today.
Recover your talents from the rubble narcissists buried them under and
begin reviving the things you loved to do before you met them. Write
down everything that you enjoy doing and what you’re skilled or good
at and do something with them to benefit others, such as starting a
small business from home, writing a book, opening a YouTube channel
and joining a course to improve and increase the skills and knowledge
you have in a particular area. Not only will this make you happy, but it
will also allow you to use your time wisely, keep yourself busy doing
something you really enjoy and help you filter out unsupportive people
who don’t contribute to your life positively.
4. Learn how to practice confident body language
If you feel that you don’t have high self-esteem, then I highly advise
that you take courses that’ll help you with this. Some basics that you
should keep in mind to come across as someone confident is to always
stand upright, have good posture, stay open and relaxed (for example,
don’t walk or sit with your arms folded or back hunched), don’t be
afraid to look at people in the eye and smile and try not to walk with
your head bowed down. Also, don’t be afraid to speak up when you
have something to say, especially when you know it’s important.
Practice speaking clearly and don’t let people interrupt you. It also
helps to practice affirmations in the morning in front of the mirror and
remind yourself of all the wonderful things that you should be proud
of. Lift your spirit by saying things like, I am smart, I am beautiful, I
am kind, I am capable of everything I wish to do, I will attract the best
people into my life, I am worthy of the best treatment, I will never
settle for less than what I deserve and I am going to have a great day
today etc. When I was told to do this a few years back, I didn’t think it
would work, but it did. Some people may also find it very emotional or
awkward in the beginning, but I was amazed at how transformative it
actually is when you allow yourself to truly believe these affirmations.
Be protective about your dignity and claim your rights and learn how
to master saying “no” when something isn’t convenient for you or
makes you uncomfortable. Getting into the habit of not brushing your
needs and rights under the carpet to please others will build self-
esteem. People will respect you for having principles and only
accepting what you deserve and you’ll notice that they’ll start to treat
you respectfully too. Studying the character of someone you truly
admire and learning how to act like them can really help some people
too, especially introverts, who aren’t very social and suffer from low
self-confidence. For example, if you’re impressed by someone’s strong
character, their ability to say “no” and how they are in general as
people then adopt their traits, attitudes and behaviour into your
character to see a difference. These people could be actors, famous
people, work colleagues, friends and even family members. People
create their characters from the positive traits they’ve collected from
others during their lifetimes, even though what they perceive to be
positive in people, such as being overly confident, isn’t always
received well by others, but as individuals we take on what we feel
impressed by on a subconscious level. Therefore, doing this while
being aware will help us to strengthen our characters by selecting good
traits that aren’t only beneficial for us, but others too.
5. Work on your appearance for yourself
Your appearance reflects how you feel about yourself, whether
you’re alone or with other people. By taking care of our physical
appearance and health, we’ll feel good, attractive and people are more
likely to respect us and see us as high-value people. It is very
important to feel comfortable in our own skin and be happy with the
way God created us to be and look. Once you genuinely feel “good
enough”, you’ll no longer be dependent on outside sources of
validation. Constant reassurance and praise from others is one form of
validation and it feels great to receive, but it’s on the inside where
feeling “good enough” needs to be about no longer worrying about
what other people think of us and whether or not they validate us.
When we’re proud of who we are, our appearance, achievements, our
character and our morals, no one can destroy them for us, even if they
don’t like them, it won’t matter, because everyone has their own
reasons for not liking what others feel happy with and proud of. If
we’re affected by how people see us, because they’re jealous, for
example, then changing who we are to make them happy will only take
away from what makes us who we are until we become empty shells,
because we have allowed them and their insecurities to not make us
feel “good enough”. This confidence on the inside forms over time
with the conscious effort to re-program and silence the constant critical
voice of the qareen in your mind and changing your thoughts about
yourself to be more positive and in your favour, rather than in the
favour of others.
To enhance natural beauty, women should learn the right make up
techniques that flatter their facial features and take pride in wearing
modest clothing. Men should also consider joining a gym or following
a workout program to help them get in shape, find the right style and
colours in clothes that suit their height and body type, get into the habit
of grooming (manicures, skincare, haircare, etc) and always make sure
they smell great and look presentable. This doesn’t mean you need to
break the bank to look good, but if you take care of these details,
you’ll instantly get a boost in self-confidence and have a higher chance
of attracting the type of partner you’d like.
I know from experience and the many Muslims I’ve spoken to who
felt guilty about rejecting a great person because physical attraction
was missing. If they had just made an effort to look after themselves or
learn which clothes suit them, they would’ve been ideal. However,
people don’t tell them this out of fear of offending them. Some men
and women who are religious and/or are engaged in Islamic activities
overlook their appearance, as they feel that prioritising their looks falls
into arrogance, vanity and pride, which is wrong, as The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) and his companions were known to look after
themselves. The truth is, it’s very difficult for pious Muslims who have
abstained from unlawful relationships and intimacy for many years to
“settle” for someone who they don’t find highly attractive, even if
they’re great Muslims, because as humans we all want a spouse we’re
attracted to, to help protect us from temptations and deviations. In the
age we’re living in, looks and physical attraction are becoming more
of a priority for most people when looking for a spouse, as there are
sexual distractions everywhere in social media, advertisements and
movies. So, if you want someone who’s attractive then you must work
on yourself too to be as attractive as you possibly can. A healthy-
looking body, good skin, good teeth and elegant clothes can go a long
way and make a huge difference in someone’s decision to be with you.
People who are into healthy lifestyles are looking for those who follow
them too.
6. Be open to connecting with people
Don’t be afraid to talk to people. If you’re attending a networking
event or a gathering at a friend’s house and you see some new people,
don’t hold yourself back from talking to them. The more you practice
talking to strangers, the more your self-confidence will improve. If
you’re usually very shy and closed it’ll be difficult for people to
approach you and you may lose out on some great opportunities. You
need to be cautious about who to interact with though, as the more you
progress in loving, improving and healing yourself, the more likely
you are to attract narcissists too who’ll see you as a trophy and
challenge. However, by this time, with the help of the information and
guidance from this book and any previous experience(s), you’ll be
equipped psychologically and spiritually to identify and avoid them
and only welcome those into your lives who match your positive
energy and intentions.
The Benefits of Being a Single Muslim

If, for any reason, God hasn’t sent the right man or woman your way
(yet), then it’s important that you enjoy the moment you’re in. To this
date, nothing can compare to the feeling of freedom and happiness that
I experienced after coming out of a toxic marriage. I never knew how
liberating being single could be and how much I could truly enjoy my
own company. I began to appreciate every small blessing in my life
and perceived them as luxuries. I did everything I wanted to celebrate
my freedom, such as travelling to beautiful places, starting a boutique
business and completing my doctorate, because I no longer had
someone holding me hostage in a marriage I didn’t want to be in and
preventing me from doing what I loved. My soul was free again to
pursue its dreams and passions and until today I thank God for His
mercy that enabled me to leave the marriage without having any
children. When you reach that level of deep gratitude, joy and
contentment, finding the right person becomes the least of your
worries. The way you deal with your situation is all a matter of
perspective. We can choose to feel sorry for ourselves for letting a
narcissist abuse us, get depressed and take a long time to get over it, or
we can feel super happy that despite going through such a difficult
time with them, they’re no longer our problem! We can feel even
happier knowing that it could’ve been worse and more complex had
we stayed longer with them. There’s a great power and blessing in the
word alhamdulilah (all praise be to God), in which you recognize
God’s love and mercy towards you. When you start every day with
alhamdulilah, life becomes beautiful and you can laugh instead of cry
when you look back. Don’t cry for what you think you lost; the
shattered dreams, the children you never had and the love you wished
for - you weren’t meant to experience these with that particular person.
That person was sent to you as a lesson and not a blessing (rizq), but
we can find the blessing in the lesson if we look for it. Our rizq is
meant to bring us happiness, rather than be a difficult test for us. This
is why some people who have wealth are tested with it and others are
blessed with it. If anything, the hope that our rizq is still out there for
us should be enough to bring us out of sadness. What you have to offer
as a person alongside the dreams, home and children you wish to share
is destined to be with someone who’s much better. Therefore, if you
want a high-value Muslim man or woman with standards and great
character, you need to make efforts to be that way yourself because
they’re also looking for such a person. Abdullah Ibn Masoud (ra)
“Verily the creation of each one of you is brought together in his
mother’s womb for forty days in the form of a nutfah (a drop), then he
becomes an alaqah (clot of blood) for a like period, then a mudghah
(morsel of flesh) for a like period, then there is sent to him the angel
who blows his soul into him and who is commanded with four
matters: to write down their rizq (sustenance), their life span, their
actions and whether they will be happy or unhappy. Then the soul is
breathed into them.”
This Hadith tells us that our rizq, that includes our spouses have
already been written for us, since we were in the wombs of our
mothers. We know from an earlier Hadith mentioned previously that
nothing can change our Divine Decree except for dua. So, if you want
a specific outcome in life, a specific type of spouse, or a specific
amount of money then we need to pray for it and be patient, for if it’s
good for us God will find a way of giving it to us. Abu Umamah (ra)
“Verily, Angel Jibreel (Gabriel) informed me that a soul will never
die until it finishes its term and takes all of its provision (rizq). Thus,
be graceful in seeking it and let not one of you allow the delay of
provision to compel him (or her) to seek it by disobedience. Verily,
Allah does not grant what is with Him but by obedience.”
(Hilyat Al-Awliya, 14924)
This Hadith gives us comfort in knowing that our rizq will
eventually find us, no matter what we do and that we shouldn’t worry
about it or chase what we believe to be our rizq in this life. What we
can’t have or get hold of simply wasn’t meant to be for us. Many
people waste their time, energy and emotions chasing what they want,
not knowing it’s been written for someone else to have or isn’t good
for us. When we chase our desires, we’re more likely to get
disappointed and depressed when we don’t get what we want. If you
want to know if something or someone is good for you then you need
to pray istekharah, which is a special sunnah prayer in which we ask
God to help us see clearly if what we want is good for us and meant to
be for us or not. Should obstacles come in the way of what we want
after we pray, or we see bad dreams about it or our feelings change
towards it, then know it’s God telling us that it’s not for us. However,
should God make the process of obtaining what we want easy, simple
and pleasant, then it’s an indication it’s good for us. Jaabir Ibn
Abdullah (ra) reported that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) taught his
people to say:
“O Allah, I seek Your guidance (in making a choice) by virtue of
Your knowledge and I seek ability by virtue of Your power and I ask
You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. You know, I
know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allah, if in Your
knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good
for me both in this world and in The Hereafter, then ordain it for me,
make it easy for me and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is
bad for me both in this world and in The Hereafter, then turn me away
from it (and turn it away from me) and ordain for me the good
wherever it may be and make me pleased with it.”
By praying istikharah, we’ll feel content and remove the distress
from our hearts when we don’t marry who we want, get the job we
want, the university course we want or the business contract/deal we
want. We have to trust that God knows best and the doors that are
closed for us will be opened elsewhere. God will never let down those
who request His help and everything that happens in the lives of
Muslim believers is good for them. In the meantime, take advantage of
your youth, health, time and being single to do the things that’ll be
difficult once you have marital responsibilities and are looking after a
home and children. Ibn Abbas (ra) reported that The Prophet
“Take advantage of five things: your youth before your old age, your
health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free
time before your work and your life before your death.”
(Shu’ab Al-Iman, 9767)
A lot of married women tell me that it upsets them that they no
longer find the time and energy to pamper themselves, enjoy hobbies
and new adventures, wake up for night prayers, offer voluntary fasts or
even read The Qur’an properly because they’re working and/or need to
look after their homes and children and are always exhausted from a
lack of sleep. Some of them say that they see their siblings, friends and
parents a lot less, especially if they live abroad, whereas single people
have the luxury of being able to travel whenever they like to visit
friends and loved ones. Therefore, the acts of worship and the time you
can invest into yourself and your relationship with God and others are
priceless when you don’t have other responsibilities. You’ll also have
the luxury of investing more time and money into a new business
venture without being worried about providing for a family. There are
always pros and cons to every situation and the happiest people make
the best of what they have.
Many people need to understand that not everyone will be blessed
with a great spouse and children. Everyone’s mission in life is different
and there’s a reason why everyone receives different types of rizq and
why some people are deprived of them. Many married people envy
single people because they have the freedom to do what they want,
while many single people envy those who are married, as they’re
blessed with a halal relationship and parenthood. It is in our human
nature to desire what’s missing in our lives and believe that the grass is
always greener on the other side. We just need to remind ourselves that
what’s missing could be a trial of patience, protection, not a part of our
mission in life or that God has better plans for us. If God has kept you
single, then He just wants you to Himself for a while so that you can
focus on your relationship with Him, as people often get distracted
spiritually and neglect their time with God when they’re in love and
busy with someone. There’s actually so much value in being single
that people often overlook, when we should be embracing and
appreciating it instead.
Here’s a list of things you can enjoy and appreciate while being a
single Muslim:
1. Your connection with God will strengthen your character and
keep you steadfast on the right path. If someone wishes to
marry you, they’d need to have a connection with God too and
there’s no better way to bond with someone than via this
connection. When you’re compatible with someone on this
very high and special level, you’ll find that ethnicity, age and
cultural barriers are dissolved. I believe you can always be
happy with someone who loves and submits to God as much as
you do.
2. You’re free to travel and work late nights and weekends
whenever you want and need to without feeling guilty or
considering someone else’s plans first. Vacations and trips
don’t need to be delayed until school holidays and you can treat
yourself to a short break anytime you like. You also don’t need
to wait for a honeymoon to book a trip to Bali. Reward yourself
for your achievements and embrace your independence.
3. You can spend more time going to the gym, spas and eating out
or eating healthy. Most couples put on weight after they enter a
relationship, so if you’re into fitness and health you can take
advantage of having your own routine that doesn’t need to
change because someone else has come into your life with their
own routine and preferences.
4. You can find things that challenge you, while you explore
hobbies and activities you’ve wanted to try for a long time.
5. You can save a lot of money and spend it on yourself and what
you like without feeling guilty.
6. You can invest in educating yourself further by taking more
courses and joining a self-development program. When the
right time comes to be with a suitable partner, you’ll be
prepared for the challenges and requirements of a relationship
and will know exactly what you want from life. This will help
you to set a high standard that filters out all those who don’t or
can’t meet them and add positivity and happiness to your life.
For example, we shouldn’t let people into our lives who aren’t
willing to show us the same amount or more love than we show
ourselves. Work on practicing the art of protecting your dignity
and self-esteem and you’ll find that you’re able to master self-
control, not accept less than you deserve and avoid falling into
sinful traps with the wrong people. You’ll learn that you won’t
need anyone to complete you and that a great partner will be a
gift in your life rather than a necessity. If you’re a woman who
doesn’t have reliable or protective male relatives or lives alone,
maintaining the highest level of dignity will be sufficient for
you to live happily and know that God will take care of you,
protect you, sees your great efforts to be moral and will most
definitely reward you in unimaginable ways.
7. You get a tidy house to yourself, if you live alone and you
don’t need to wake up early for school runs or have the worries
that come with having and raising children. You can also eat,
sleep and go out whenever you want, not to mention putting
yourself first without feeling guilty for it.
8. You can enjoy your youth and body, as you’re not going
through the body and health changes that come with pregnancy
and childbirth!
9. You can make your own decisions and choose who you’d like
to socialise with (no in-laws dramas).
10. You can sleep with peace of mind every night and not worry
about your partner breaking your heart and causing you
distress. While we often hear news that saddens us and breaks
our hearts, nothing compares to our pain caused by those who
are closest to us. So perhaps God is saving you from heartache
and betrayal and giving you more time to heal from the past
before finding the right person.
11. Your mission in life may be so great that God doesn’t want you
to get distracted from it. Take the wife of The Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh), Aishah (ra) as an example. God didn’t give
her children because He wanted her to focus on becoming one
of the greatest female scholars in Islamic history and prominent
narrator of Hadiths. Children will take up a lot of your energy,
as they need time, attention, love and education to thrive.
Therefore, when God doesn’t give you them, there’s a grand
purpose behind it and so it’s best to invest your time into the
mission He’s guiding you towards.
While Islam highly encourages marriage and propagates the family
system in society, it’s sometimes better for people to remain single if
they haven’t come across someone suitable for them, rather than
heavily compromise and marry anyone just for the sake of being
married. It is much better to be patient until God shows you how
beautiful fate can be and how He’ll let the right person find you at the
right time during your life journey. I generally advise that you avoid
marriage sites and apps, as you can waste a lot of valuable time on
them and focus more on enjoying your single life. Meeting someone
via mutual friends and family members is the best way to meet
someone, but he or she may also turn up at an event, work or even at
an unexpected place, such as a park bench. In order to be ready to meet
the right person and have a happy relationship, you need to learn how
to be happy on your own first and you absolutely must love yourself
deeply before you can expect someone else to love you that way too.
The type of person every practicing Muslim

should strive to marry
So, to re-cap and summarise from the previous chapters, here’s a
guide to help you know what you should look for in a spouse to have a
happy marriage and family:
1. They pray their five daily prayers. I can’t stress enough on how
important this. A Muslim who doesn’t pray or sometimes prays
won’t understand the importance of submitting to God and
abiding by His laws. It’s wonderful to have someone to pray
and grow with spiritually.
2. Their practice of Islam is shown in their actions, relationships
and character.
3. They have a respectable and dignified reputation in the
community and good friends.
4. Their relationship with their family (especially parents) is good
and makes you feel comfortable.
5. A man is financially stable, ready to get married, is a hard
worker and enjoys what he does for work. A man who doesn’t
enjoy it won’t be a joy to live with. Men who are financially
stable are able to provide for a wife so she’s able stay at home
with their children to raise them. This should be the main
purpose behind marrying a financially stable man, rather than
for a luxurious lifestyle.
6. You’re attracted to them and find their company pleasant. If
they’re boring and lack charisma from the beginning, they’ll
always be that way.
7. They use their time well and have passions and hobbies.
8. They’re knowledge seekers and love to learn about Islam and
other interesting subjects. Someone like this will teach you,
have productive debates with you and stimulate you mentally
and intellectually.
9. Make sure a man isn’t already married (unless you’re fine with
being a co-wife). I highly advise that if you do consider this
option to make sure he informs his first wife about it first.
10. They take interest in and are supportive of your work,
principles, hobbies, goals and dreams.
11. They don’t come across as having major health issues and
problems and don’t display narcissistic traits and behaviour.
12. You can picture yourself being great friends and really enjoying
life with them.
If more high-value Muslims raised their standards to only accept the
above, more people will be encouraged to follow a similar path and be
more moral and practicing. When practicing men and women lower
their standards and marry non-practicing or barely practicing Muslims,
people won’t be motivated to improve themselves. Some of the good
Muslim men that I’ve had discussions with admitted that they’ve given
up on pursuing Muslim women because they’re infatuated with
handsome narcissistic men who don’t treat them well. This reminded
me of a famous saying, “Your king won’t show up until you get rid of
the jokers”. If a woman is wasting her time and emotions on men who
display narcissistic traits, then she’s not giving herself a fair
opportunity to meet a Muslim man who will treat her well. Good men
who are mentally and spiritually healthy have standards too and won’t
compete with narcissists for their attention and interest. The same goes
for women. Watching Muslim men regularly entertaining and pursuing
women who are far from being decent or practicing will completely
put good women off them and they’ll lose out on having great wives.
Polygamy and dealing with someone else’s

children
Some women find themselves facing a decision of whether or not to
accept the marriage proposal of a man who’s already married and has
children. Let’s address the co-wife issue first. So, as we know in Islam,
a man is permitted to take on more than one wife if he has the ability
to treat them equally (financially, physically, emotionally and time-
wise). A Muslim man who isn’t a narcissist will generally look for a
second wife for genuine and honourable reasons. Some of them may
be:
1. He wants children and his first wife is unable to conceive.
2. His wife is unwell and unable to fulfil her marital duties
towards him for a long period of time.
3. He travels a lot for work and his wife can’t go with him
because she has a full-time job or because she needs to look
after their children and maintain their routine and home.
4. He’s wealthy and can afford to marry again. He would marry
either a single woman who lives alone, a widower, divorcee or
single mother who has no support and would appreciate being
looked after.
Regardless of the reasons that facilitate a man to take on a second
wife, I strongly advise men to not keep their first wife in the dark and
to make sure that she agrees prior to marrying again. If she doesn’t,
then life will become difficult, as she’ll constantly cause problems,
dramas and have unpleasant rages. This will eventually backfire on the
second wife who’ll be on the receiving end of his stress. I’ve often
seen second wives become depressed because the first wife (usually
the mother of his children) has given an ultimatum and put him under
immense pressure to divorce the second. More often than not his
loyalty will lie with the first wife, as he won’t want to lose her or his
children by keeping the second, who’s usually abandoned. If the first
wife understands her husband’s reasons to take on another wife and
he’s fulfilling all her rights and treating her well, then it’s a situation a
woman can safely consider. I’ve seen co-wives become friends and
help each other raise their children, but this only happens when they’re
strong in their faith, character and when the husband treats them
equally and well. They were confident and weren’t jealous of each
other, because they knew no one was being treated unfairly.
It is important to also avoid considering a man who is just
separated, as his wife could return to him at any time if she changes
her mind and wants to make the marriage work. This tends to happen
when she finds out that he has someone new in his life and either
regrets separating from him or wants to ruin his new relationship out
of spite. A man may tell a woman not to worry and that he’ll never
take his wife back, but if they have children or he still has feelings for
her, he’s likely to do just that. This can be a very painful and stressful
ordeal to go through for a woman who’s become attached and planned
a future with him. It can also happen to men who’ve become attached
to women who haven’t finalized their divorce yet. Please do
yourselves a huge favour and don’t get involved with anyone who
hasn’t had their divorce finalized (both Islamic and civil) and enough
time afterwards to heal from it. If she’s a Muslim woman, a man must
wait until her iddah is over in case her husband wishes to take her back
in that period of time (if it’s not his third divorce) and she agrees to
return to her marital home.
If a man or woman is divorced and has children, you’ll need to
consider these points:
1. The needs of their children will always come first.
2. A portion of the man’s finances will belong to his children and
sometimes ex-wife too if she hasn’t re-married and is looking
after his children most of the time.
3. They’ll need to communicate with their ex to discuss the
important affairs of the children, such as schooling etc. More
often than not, you won’t be included in this.
4. They may have a very jealous ex who has no boundaries and
will cause you stress and paranoia. Men generally find it
difficult to deal with their narcissistic ex-wives who love to
make life unnecessarily complex and may drag their partners
into court over petty issues. They may also call a lot, demand
money or threaten to not send the children at the weekend, if
they don’t comply with what they want.
5. Holidays and weekends will have to be planned around the
children and their school breaks.
6. You may be expected to spend a lot of time with their children
who may come and visit your home regularly, so you need to
really get along well with them and sacrifice some privacy and
free time with your spouse.
7. Their children may see you as the enemy (especially if their
narcissistic ex is bitter about the divorce and feeds their minds
with negative thoughts about you).
8. You’ll be expected to be a great role model and may even be
expected to provide for the children financially if their father
has abandoned them or has passed away.
9. Your children may not get along with their children and may
not want to live together.
10. The family of their ex-husband or ex-wife will always be a part
of your life if your spouse has a good relationship with them
for the sake of the children.
So, as you can see, marrying a single father or single mother isn’t
always easy, but if you’re able to communicate in an open and honest
manner about all these points and agree on solutions and how to deal
with them (because he or she is a great person and worth it), then that’s
awesome! I say it’s awesome because in many cases, their children
really need a loving and educated mother or father figure that they
couldn’t find in their biological parents and so helping to take care of
them and spending time with them will be a great form of charity for
you. No one should be judged or turned away just because they’re
divorced, widowed or have children, but you need to be prepared and
make sure that the person you want to marry isn’t a narcissist. If you’re
a single parent, it’s encouraged that you marry someone who’s a single
parent too. Both your children will gain kind Muslim step-parents and
step-brothers and sisters and they’ll have another chance at living in a
healthy and happy family environment.
As adults we have the freedom to choose our spouse but our
children can’t choose their parents. Choosing a good and loving parent
(or step-parent) is our responsibility towards our children and the first
right they have over us, so that they can be raised well. Try to avoid
marrying someone who comes from a toxic family, as they’re likely to
be similar to their parents and their issues and dramas will seep into
your marriage and home. If their family lives far away or in a different
country, it may not be so problematic. Both men and women should
make sure their home is a place where God is loved and remembered
and it should be at the forefront of everyone’s mind when choosing a
spouse, however, many people don’t think about their future children
when selecting a spouse anymore.. A high-value Muslim will know
how to choose the right spouse to break the cycle of narcissistic abuse
and co-dependency in their family.
22. Final Words
The Arabic word for delay is ‫( ﺗﺄﺧﯿﺮ‬ta’kheer) and the word for goodness
is ‫( ﺧﯿﺮ‬khair). Both share the three root letters ‫خ ي ر‬. I find this beautiful, as
God has placed so much goodness in every delay to express His Divine
Love and mercy for us. So, no matter how long you take to heal, how many
obstacles you experience, how many injuries and hardships you have
endured, how many doors have closed and how long you’ve patiently
waited for your rizq – don’t lose hope; God promises that what’s good for
you is on its way.
“Surely with hardship comes ease.”
(Al-Qur’an, Al-Sharh: 5)
One of the core purposes of this book is to teach people not to be
judgemental of others, especially within the context of mental health. Those
who suffer from narcissism, psychopathy, co-dependency and excessive
empathy, have issues that stem from their childhood and their actions are a
result of not being able to heal from their traumas, relationships and
problems. Not everyone can see that they need healing and help and not
everyone is blessed to have good friends or been raised in a healthy Islamic
home or community. Only God knows the true intentions and motives
behind what people do and the amount of faith they hold inside their hearts.
It is our responsibility to focus on healing ourselves so that we can help
others heal too.
If you’ve been through traumatic experiences and never understood why
you attracted certain people into your life, why people treated you a certain
way or why you always bent backwards for people who didn’t treat you
well, then I hope this book has been of great benefit to you. I hope it’s
explained and clarified everything you’ve been through so that you can
finally have the closure most people won’t give you. I hope this book has
given you the courage to cut your ties from the past and release your
traumas in the wind like a weightless balloon. I hope it’s given you
confidence, knowledge and comfort to know that you’re always worthy of
forgiving yourself, forgiveness from God, love and the great things this life
has to offer you. I hope it’s taught you that no matter how unloved,
unwanted and unworthy you may feel with people, God will always love
and protect you and continue to show you that you’re capable of achieving
everything you deserve when you focus your energy on building a loving
relationship with Him and yourself. The way we see ourselves and our
value is reflected in our actions, dignity, principles and morals. To make a
great change in our lives, we must make an internal promise to never sell
our dreams, faith and who we truly are for the sake of having something or
pleasing anyone else again. Only then will we be able to see the beauty of
this world and its opportunities and gifts that God has saved for us.
There’s a beautiful story narrated by Pastor TD Jakes about a magnificent
eagle that caught a weasel for food. While wildlife photographers were
busy admiring the strength, beauty and wings of the eagle, they were
horrified to see it fall after some time of soaring and gliding in the air. They
quickly made their way to the bottom of the mountain to find out what
brought down such a majestic and powerful creature. They were
heartbroken to see that the weasel had eaten away at the heart of the eagle
in an attempt to escape, killing it in the process. However, the eagle was
determined to have the weasel and caused itself more harm than good by
holding onto it for so long until it killed him. The eagle here is like the
Muslim who’s full of goodness, potential and faith and is distinguished
from other people by his or her character and strength. Sometimes, unique
and wonderful people who have so much potential hold onto harmful
people or relationships they want to save at the expense of their mental
health, because they believe they need to fix the situation with kindness,
tolerance and patience instead of doing what’s best for them and letting go.
“But perhaps you dislike a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you
love a thing and it is bad for you.”
We learn from this verse not to hold onto pain and people who don’t treat
us well, because we’ve made ourselves believe that we need them.
Sometimes, we adamantly ask God for something that we desire so
strongly, causing us to ignore the red flags that God shows us constantly,
without realizing that He’s protecting us from its harm. At the first instance
of pain when you feel something’s wrong or when a person attempts to take
little bites out of your heart, let them go immediately because the heart
they’re eating away at is not just your emotions and well-being, but your
faith in God and yourself too. Satan won’t stop sending both his human and
jinn soldiers to corrupt us until The Day of Judgement, so we must
recognize them and learn how to be strong and fight them mentally to
protect our hearts from spiritual illness and work to elevate our nafs to the
level of al mutumainnah. It is crucial that we learn from our mistakes to
experience a better outcome in our relationships and lives. I believe that if
everyone followed this advice and implemented healthy standards,
boundaries and expectations, we’ll see, God willing, a dramatic decrease in
narcissism in our homes and societies.
I leave you with a beautiful quote by Khalifa Omar Ibn Al Khattab (ra),
who once said:
“No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can
change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is
determined by God’s Decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will
never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.”
(Sahih Ibn Hibbaan)

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Copyright © 2021 Mona Alyedreessy

Narcissism is a personality disorder that greatly conflicts with the pure

1. The Shahadah: ‫أﺷﮭﺪ أن ﻻ إﻟﮫ إﻻﱠ ﷲ و أﺷﮭﺪ أن ﻣﺤﻤﺪ رﺳﻮل ﷲ‬

The Six Pillars of Faith are:

The Difference Between Our Duties to God and

The Four Types of Muslims

The Characteristics of Satan

Childhood trauma, such as being abandoned or neglected by a

1. The grandiose/overt narcissist tends to have the arrogant and

1. Love-bombing – They will bombard you with excessive attention,

A personality disorder that is often mistaken for empathy is co-dependency.

1. Excessive reliance on people for happiness.

In simple terms, an empath is the complete opposite of a narcissist and a

1. Temperament: Some children have more sensitivity than others and

Twenty prominent signs of a diseased heart:

1. Being doubtful and refusing to pray, acknowledge and believe

1. Start by acknowledging the problem you’re having and make it a

To conclude this section, I’d like to mention a Hadith of The Prophet

The aim of a Muslim narcissist

How to identify Muslim narcissists

1. They are double-standard chameleons. Muslim narcissists may

American Professor Randy Pausch famously said, “When there’s an

1. The presence and permission of a woman’s wali (male guardian,

Unfortunately, secret marriages that don’t follow these conditions fall

An empath is different from a co-dependent in many ways, however, they

1. Acknowledge that they have a problematic disorder and wounds that

If people follow these points then they’ll be helping themselves greatly to

1. The Strict Practicing Muslim: This isn’t the well-intentioned

According to the research conducted in the book ‘The Narcissism Epidemic:

Talking to strangers online has become the equivalent of swimming in

Marriage is an obligation in Islam for a Muslim who fears he or she may

1. Our society will go back to resemble pre-Islamic Arabia:

Narcissists are relentless when it comes to hoovering valuable victims

1. The women were long-term work colleagues who were attractive,

1. Tarnishing the reputation of Islam:

In this section I’ll outline the framework of an Islamic marriage, as I

Mutual rights and duties

The exclusive rights of the wife

The exclusive rights of the husband

For some people, divorcing or leaving a narcissistic husband or wife isn’t

Tips to help you live with a narcissist:

1. Pray to God for protection against the harmful actions, intentions

Another stressful procedure that many Muslims have to go through in non-

1. Forgive yourself and those who hurt you

The Benefits of Being a Single Muslim

The type of person every practicing Muslim

Polygamy and dealing with someone else’s

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