ACT 2 SCENE 4

Mercutio: Where could Romeo be? He didn't come back home last night?

Benvolio: No, he didn't return to his father's house. I spoke with his servant.

Mercutio: That Rosaline girl is driving him insane. She's so cold-hearted.

Benvolio: Tybalt, Capulet's cousin, sent a letter to Romeo's house.

Mercutio: It's probably a challenge to a fight.

Benvolio: Romeo will respond to it.

Mercutio: Well, anyone who knows how to write can respond to a letter.

Benvolio: No, he'll respond to the person who sent the letter and show him that he's not afraid.

Mercutio: Poor Romeo is already dead from love sickness. He's been hurt by a girl's cold stare,
pierced by a love song, and struck by Cupid's arrow. Is he really ready to fight Tybalt?

Benvolio: Who's Tybalt anyway?

Mercutio: He's more than just a tough guy. He's like the king of cool. He fights with style, like a
rapper spitting bars. He's all about timing, distance, and flow. He rests his minim rests, one, two,
and the third in your bosom—the very butcher of a silk button, a duelist, a gentleman of the
very first house of the first and second cause. Ah, the immortal passado, the punto reverso, the
hay!

Benvolio:
The what?

Mercutio:
The curse of these new affectations, these phonies who are obsessed with being trendy and
cool. They speak in strange accents and say things like "By Jesu, a very good blade!" or "A very
tall man!" or "A very good whore!" It's pathetic, really. They care so much about fitting in that
they can't even be comfortable in their own skin. It's enough to make your bones ache.

(Romeo enters)

Benvolio:
Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo.

Mercutio:
Look at him, all dried up like a fish. Flesh and blood, my friend, flesh and blood! Now he's all
about that poet Petrarch, and how Laura was just a lowly kitchen maid. But she had better
rhymes to write about than that. Dido was a plain Jane, Cleopatra was a fortune teller, and
Helen and Hero were just two-bit hookers. And don't even get me started on Thisbe. But hey,
bonjour, Romeo. Nice outfit, by the way. You looked good in that fake disguise last night.

Romeo:
Good morning, guys. What disguise are you talking about?

Mercutio:
The slip, my friend, the slip. Don't tell me you don't remember.

Romeo:
Sorry, Mercutio. I had some important things on my mind last night.

Mercutio: That’s as much as to say such a case as yours constrains a man to bow in the hams.
Romeo:
Meaning, to curtsy.

Mercutio:
You got it, dude!

Romeo: Thanks for explaining it so well.

Mercutio: No problem, man. I'm the epitome of being nice.
Romeo: You mean the flower?
Mercutio: Yup, that's the one.
Romeo: Well, then my shoes are well "flowered."
Mercutio: Ha! Good one. Keep it up until the sole of your shoe wears out and the joke is still
fresh.
Romeo: This joke is so good, it's singularly unique.
Mercutio: Benvolio, you gotta come between us. My brain is hurting from all this wit.
Romeo: Let's go, let's go! Or I'll challenge you to a competition.
Mercutio: If we keep going like this, I'm done. You have more wildness in one of your ideas than
I have in my whole brain. Was I there with you to chase a goose?
Romeo: You were never there with me for anything if it wasn't to chase a goose.
Mercutio: I'll bite your ear for that one!
Romeo: Don't do it, man. I'm just a sweet goose.
Mercutio: Your sense of humor is like a bittersweet candy, it's so sharp.
Romeo: And doesn't it fit well with a sweet goose?
Mercutio: This guy's got jokes for days!
Romeo: Thanks, man. I gotta say, it's better than groaning about love. Now we're having fun and
being ourselves. This "love" stuff is like a big faker who runs around trying to hide his true
intentions
BENVOLIO: Hold up, hold up. You want me to stop interrupting your story.
MERCUTIO: Yeah, you're getting in the way of my flow.
BENVOLIO: Well, if you didn't go off on tangents all the time, maybe we could get to the point
faster.
MERCUTIO: Hey, I'll have you know that my tangents are what make my stories interesting.
Enter Nurse and her man Peter.
ROMEO: Oh great, here comes trouble.
MERCUTIO: What do we have here? A fashion emergency?
NURSE: Peter!
PETER: Yes, ma'am?
NURSE: Give me my fan.
MERCUTIO: Oh, she doesn't want us to see her face. Probably for the best.
NURSE: Good morning, gentlemen.
MERCUTIO: Good evening, fair lady.
NURSE: Is it evening already?
MERCUTIO: Yep, time flies when you're having fun. It's almost noon.
NURSE: You're ridiculous.
ROMEO: He's not wrong though. Anyway, what do you want?
NURSE: I need to speak with you in private.
BENVOLIO: She probably wants to invite you to dinner.
MERCUTIO: Yeah, right. More like she wants to set you up with someone.
NURSE: What's that supposed to mean?
MERCUTIO: Oh, nothing. Just that you seem like the type of lady who knows all the juicy gossip.
NURSE: If you say anything bad about me, I'll make sure you regret it.
ROMEO: Don't mind him. He's just a big talker.
NURSE: If anyone tries to mess with me, I'll take them down.
PETER: Don't worry, ma'am. I've got your back.
MERCUTIO: (singing) Old hare hoar, and an old hare hoar, is very good meat in Lent. But a hare
that is hoar is too much for a score when it hoars ere it be spent.
ROMEO: Alright, we should probably get going. See you later, Nurse.
MERCUTIO: (to the Nurse) Goodbye, old lady. Farewell, lady, lady, lady.
(Mercutio and Benvolio exit)
NURSE: What a saucy guy. Who does he think he is?
ROMEO: Just a guy who likes to hear himself talk.
NURSE: If he says anything bad about me, I'll show him who's boss.
PETER: Don't worry, ma'am. I've got your back.
NURSE: And you better not let anyone mess with me either.
PETER: I won't, ma'am. I'll defend you to the end.
(They exit)

NURSE
OMG, I am so annoyed right now, like seriously. That Romeo guy! My lady asked me to find him
and tell him something, but I'm not gonna spill the tea. Listen, if you're gonna play games with
her and lead her on, that's not cool at all. She's young and innocent, and it's not fair to mess
with her feelings like that.
ROMEO Nurse, please give my regards to your lady and mistress.
NURSE Okay, okay, I'll tell her. She'll be thrilled to hear from you.
ROMEO Wait, what are you going to tell her? Are you even listening to me?
NURSE I'll tell her that you're making a promise, which is totally chivalrous, right?
ROMEO Ask her to come see the Friar Lawrence this afternoon, so we can confess and get
married. Here, take this as a thank you.
Offering her money.
NURSE No way, I'm not taking your money.
ROMEO Come on, take it.
NURSE
This afternoon? Alright, I'll make sure she's there.
ROMEO
And listen, can you wait for me behind the abbey wall?
My man will come with cords that we can use to climb to the high topgallant of joy. We'll sneak
around in the secret night.
Farewell, and please keep it a secret. Give my regards to your mistress.
NURSE
God bless you! Hey, one more thing.
ROMEO Yes, nurse?

NURSE
Is your man trustworthy? You know what they say, "Two can keep a secret if one of them is
dead."
ROMEO
Don't worry, my man is as loyal as can be.
NURSE Okay, okay. So my lady used to hate this guy named Paris, who's like a nobleman. She
didn't want anything to do with him. But sometimes I tell her that he's better for her than you,
and she gets so mad. It's so funny. Oh, and doesn't your name and rosemary both start with
"R"?
ROMEO Yeah, so what?
NURSE You're teasing me, that's the name of your dog. Your name doesn't start with "R".
ROMEO Fine, then what does it start with?
NURSE I forgot, but my lady has this cute thing she says about you and rosemary. It'll make you
smile.
ROMEO Alright, tell her I said hi.
NURSE Sure thing. Peter!
PETER Coming!
NURSE We gotta go, like, right now.