The Butterfly Effect

Shots thrown at my life to

Shots that I will throw.

Childhood
Childhood was a bit tough unlike the pictures on the
right. I didn't have neighbours and I didn't have
much friends as a kid. I had a bunch of toys but
didn't get to use the toys and play them with anyone

Grade School
I was left to my own devices even more. I got what
toys I wanted but I felt alone. I frequently got bullied
by my brother and I often hear my parents fight. I
brought some of these mean activities to my class
and was mean to my friends.

High School
I got to bounce back and have a self-reflective a
self-improvement where I lived a more
physically active lifestyle after being overweight
for my age. I improved my academic standing
and was more available to other people. Yet I
continued to struggle opening up about my life.

College
I became a lot more "independent" involving
myself in multiple orgs, projects, and internships. I
had and lost my first girlfriend and saw the
consequences of my lack of trust, the difficulty in
opening up, and anxiety on a magnified level.

Future Self
My future self, or what I currently strive for now is a life with
discernment. A life with action. A life where I care about myself,
and an actionable man in doing the right thing for others. A man
freed from his social anxiety and poor coping mechanisms,
from occasional over-gaming or sexually inappropriate
material. A life free from sin and a life with God.
 Going through life is filled with literal roller coasters of extreme highs and lows, yet they
cannot compare to the peaks and valleys of my own journey. To be honest, I have tried everything I
can think of to improve myself, finding ways to make things better. I have worked out almost every day
for years. I have done my best to show appreciation for what others have done for me, coming up with
gifts and ideas to express my gratitude. I have met up with friends and mentors, and while it would
help a bit, it never lasted. Life is difficult and a struggle to make the most of, and right now, I am
exhausted, but I will keep going.

Growing up was not easy for me. I was completely dependent on my parents for everything,
so I had to find ways to occupy myself. There were frequent arguments between my parents and
fights with my brother. I was given everything without having to work for it, and I felt like I was missing
out on real challenges. I found solace in video games and YouTube, which eventually led to an
addiction to content that I still struggle with today. The environment at home also caused me to act out
with my closest friends. I would bully them with insults or mean actions in the videogames we played,
such as killing their horse.

When I was in Grade 8 or 9, I underwent a deep reflection triggered by a sudden realization of

all my wrongdoings over the years. I took it upon myself to improve my grades, my friendships, and
myself. Despite making improvements, I still found it difficult to open up. In my family, bottling up
feelings was praised as a sign of strength and resilience, even if my brother told me it would be my
fault if my parents split up when I was 10 and asked for their company.

At this point, I saw the situation as just another trial, something that many families face on a
daily basis. I was content knowing that these trials had given me a patience that few can match. I
have a difficult time controlling my temper, but my upbringing has enabled me to better empathize with
and understand others, and to be available to them in whatever way I can.

Yet this would not last as long as college came. College was a time of growth and change for
me. I was involved in many organizations and made a lot of friends. However, I took on too much
responsibility and neglected my own well-being. I faced my social anxiety head-on, but still, struggle to
manage it when it is at its worst. This was especially true in my two-year relationship that recently
ended. I regret not being a better partner, but I did my best at the time. College was also when I
reconnected with God and began my "Path of Return".

The Path of Return was described as containing "People... typically begin life in a religious
family but drift away from their faith... They find them either tiresome or irrelevant... though oddly
appealing" (The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything: A Spirituality For Real Life, 2010). When I read
these words, I knew I belonged to this group of people. God had been someone I trusted, but I hadn't
really incorporated Him into my life growing up. My family and I would regularly go to Mass, but we
were never really present, sitting in the back where we wouldn't hear much, but it was a convenient
place to be. To be honest, I was also a bit angry with Catholicism, as it talks so much about love, yet
the household, despite going to Mass often, was filled with anger and fear. However, the next part of
the description stated, "Then something reignites their curiosity about God" (The Jesuit Guide to
Almost Everything: A Spirituality For Real Life, 2010).

Remembering my high school friends who were very nice, being active in an Opus Dei center
named "Lantaka" and often participating in outreaches and engagements remains rent-free in my
head as people I aspired to be. This connection disappeared when college started, as it had its own
overwhelming presence. During the pandemic, however, I got connected to a youth organization
called CYA, which has helped me keep on trying despite the difficulties life has brought upon me.
Because of that, I have a deeper connection with God, despite all the troubles that are ever-present.
 As Jesuit author James Martin writes in his book, The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything,
"When I was a boy, for instance, I used to think of God as the Great Problem Solver who would fix all
my problems if I just prayed hard enough. Let me get an A on my social studies test. Let me do well in
math." I learned about God's love and how He is not an automatic wish granter. I learned to put more
trust and be patient, which is very difficult, as those are two things I have a very difficult time with. The
Path of Return hasn't simply been me returning, but growing more than I ever thought possible, and
that has led me to be grateful for many other things in my life (The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything:
A Spirituality For Real Life, 2010).

Today, reflecting on the past, I've come to realize that I need a lot of work. I haven't dealt with
the issues that have plagued me for so long. I'm an overthinker who finds it hard to trust people and
open up, even in dire situations. On the other hand, I'm also happy that I've been able to connect with
people more than I thought I would. I set low expectations for myself and often find ways to make
myself feel worse. But it hasn't always been like this.

Over the past year, I have been able to incorporate mindfulness into my life more. Meditation
has always been a struggle for me, but I recently discovered my preferred method of "scramble
journaling." This involves writing down all of my thoughts with no filter or attempts to synthesize them,
allowing my raw thoughts to be placed on paper, and emptying my mind of the excess guilt. This has
helped me to let go of things that have been weighing me down for years, things that even going to
confession at times could not do. I have been able to forgive myself for things that God had already
forgiven me for long ago.

Aside from prayer and journaling, the love and kindness of people have greatly helped me.
Just as Ignatius's French captors treated him with kindness, I strive to be a person of love. Religion
and spirituality have allowed me to encounter God and the world from a completely different
perspective than I would have initially. Ignatian Humanism's emphasis on developing other aspects of
my life, such as appreciating the arts and leading a healthier and more active lifestyle, has been a
breath of fresh air. At the time, I didn't realize I was incorporating aspects of the Ignatian Philosophies,
but learning more about the Spiritual Exercises incorporated by the Jesuits in universities gave me a
way to structure my own reflections. Reading "This program was called the Spiritual Exercises. It
focused on inner change, not just behavior change.....The Jesuits were usually better educated and
more motivated than most other pre-university schoolmasters in Europe" left me feeling more
optimistic about its effects, encouraging me to do better (Jesuit schools and the humanities yesterday
and today, 2015).

Overall, my journey has been filled with ups and downs, but I have been able to find solace in
the kindness of others, and in my faith. Through prayer and journaling, I have been able to forgive
myself for the wrongs I have done, and to work on the issues that have been holding me back. I have
also taken steps to better understand and appreciate the world around me, and to take part in
activities that bring me joy, such as sports and art. My experiences have taught me to be patient and
understanding, and to appreciate the value of hard work. I remain hopeful that, with God's help, I will
continue to grow and become the person I want to be.
References

O'Malley, J. W. (2015). Jesuit schools and the humanities yesterday and today. Studies in the
Spirituality of Jesuits, 47(1).

Martin, J. (2010). The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality For Real Life. Harper Collins.