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A Qualitative Study on the Psychological Experience of Primary Caregivers of COVID-19

Patients

Bagmish Sabhapondit

Department of Psychology, University of Delhi

Qualitative Research Methods

Prof. (Dr.) Anand Prakash

9th Aug, 2021

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Introduction

Coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19) was recognized in Wuhan, China in December,

2019. (Wang et al., 2020). COVID-19 is a highly infectious disease mainly causing respiratory

and digestive tract symptoms, with symptoms ranging from mild self-limited disease to severe

pneumonia, acute respiratory distress syndrome, septic shock, and even systemic multiple organ

failure syndrome. As of August 6, 2021, there have been 200,840,180 confirmed cases, including

4,265,903 deaths have occurred worldwide due to COVID-19 (WHO, 2021). India has been

badly affected by the second wave of the pandemic. As of August 6, there are 31,856,757

confirmed cases and 426,754 deaths in the country. However, the vaccination campaign is

ongoing which is expected to curb the spread of the disease.

Epidemic outbreaks like the severe (SARS) (Hong et al., 2009; Lee et al., 2007; Mak et

al., 2009), Ebola (James et al., 2019; Kamara et al., 2017; Shultz et al., 2016), influenza A

(H1N1) (Luyt et al., 2012), and Middle East respiratory syndrome (MERS) (Kim et al.,2018) are

seen to have serious psychological effects on patients including anxiety, fear, and depression.

In severe cases, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other mental disorders have

occurred. Other studies have shown that nurses in close contact with such patients suffer from

loneliness, anxiety, fear, fatigue, sleep disorders, and other physical and mental health problems.

For eg., a study by TP Su and colleagues found the incidence of depression, insomnia, and post-

traumatic stress among nurses involved in the treatment of SARS patients was 38.5%, 37%, and

33%, respectively. (TP, TC et al., 2007). However, understudied is the psychological experience

of primary caregivers during the pandemic. A primary caregiver is defined as someone who is

faced with the duty of caring for a friend or loved one who is no longer able to care for

themselves. The growing prevalence of COVID-19 and lack of hospital facilities and space
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needed to care require that most patients with mild to moderate symptoms stay at home.

Therefore, these patients needed home care. The responsibilities of home caregivers include

assistance with performing activities of daily life, managing treatment-related conditions,

communicating, educating, encouraging and empowering the patients to take care of themselves.

(M, LF et al., 2019; Schulz R, Eden J, 2016).

When family members move into the caregiving role, a mixture of positive and negative

experiences may be experienced. They are often exposed to physical and psychological needs,

such as caregiving overload and emotional stress. (ML, VG et al., 2017). Caregiver distress is

associated with factors like incarceration, lack of leisure time, lack of assistance from other

family members, poor care knowledge, caregiver age, and guilt over ignoring the patient’s

complaints. (BT, SK et al., 2012; F,H et al., 2015;Ajay, Kasthuri et al., 2017) ). Other negative

experiences include vagueness, stigma, discrimination, change in relationships with the patient

and others, and compassion fatigue. (Gibsons, Ross et al., 2014). Some positive experiences are

also part of the caregiving process, such as feeling good about themselves, compassion,

satisfaction, learning new skills, and strengthening family relationships. (Lynch, Shuster et al.,

2018; Schulz, Sherwood et al., 2008). Generally, scientific research has showed that different

experiences of family caregivers may be associated with their physical and mental health.

(Longacre, Valdmanis et al., 2017; Mausbach, Roepke, et al., 2012; Schukz, Sherwood, 2008).

The common experience of family caregivers are biological and physical damage caused by

patient care process and reduced job, social activities and relationships with family and friends.

However, different diseases have specific effects on caregivers due to differences in symptoms,

treatment and social reaction to them and make special needs for care of patients. (Schulz,

Sherwood,, 2008; Magliano, Fiorillo et al., 2005). Therefore, the different nature of COVID-19
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will posit unique challenges in the caregiving process. The importance of maintaining social

distancing to control the spread of the disease is expected to have increased isolation, loneliness,

psychological stress and other adverse health problems. (Holt-Lunstad, Smith et al., 2015).

Further, social and family relationships are disrupted for patients as well as their caregivers.

(Arnout, 2020). The caregivers of COVID-19 patients also face greater challenges compared to

other caregivers because of limited training and resources at hand and their lack of knowledge

about this emergent disease and the way to care for the patient. (Mirzaei, Raesi et al., 2020).

However, there is a paucity of studies on family caregiving experience of COVID-19

patients. Most studies have focused on the experience of either patients or the health care stuff.

Therefore, the present study aims to shed light on the psychological experience of primary

caregivers for patients with COVID-19.

Methods

Research design

This qualitative research used thematic analysis to study the psychological experience of

primary caregivers of COVID-19 pandemic. The analysis was carried out using thematic

networks.

Thematic analysis is said to be a poorly demarcated and rarely acknowledged, yet widely

used qualitative analytic method for identifying, analyzing and reporting patterns (themes) within

data. It minimally organizes, describes and sometimes interprets our data set in rich detail.

(Braun, Clarke, 2006).

Thematic networks, which are web-like illustrations (networks) that summarize the main

themes constituting a piece of text is a way of organizing a thematic analysis of qualitative data.
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Thematic networks help the researcher systematically extract: i) lowest-order premises in

the text (Basic Themes); ii) categories of basic themes grouped together to summarize more

abstract principles (Organizing Themes); and iii) super-ordinate themes that are macro themes

that summarize and make sense of clusters of lower-order themes abstracted from and supported

by the data (Global Themes), which are then presented in a web-like structure showing the

important themes at each of the three levels, and showing the relationships between them.

(Stirling, 2001).

Coding of the text was done on the basis of the salient issues that arised in the text itself.

Sample

A single subject (A) was selected for the study using convenience sampling method.

Data collection

The data was collected using a semi-structured interview conducted in the online

modality. The purpose of the study was communicated to the participant in advance and

interview time was scheduled at their convenience.

The interview was recorded with permission, and was strictly kept confidential. The

interview was about an hour long. The subject was allowed to withdraw consent at any time from

the study.

Researcher’s positionality

The researcher is a Masters student of Psychology at University of Delhi. The researcher

did his undergraduation in Chemistry, and as such, has little experience with qualitative research

in Psychology. It made the researcher both apprehensive and excited while approaching the

research.
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The researcher is interested in the existential issues related to terminal diseases: how it

changes one’s perception of life and death, and especially death. COVID-19 cannot be

categorized as a terminal disease, however, the chaos and uncertainty it brought to people’s lives

is expected to raise existential concerns in people’s minds. This position of the researcher has

influenced data collection (including the nature of interview questions) and the analysis.

Apart from that, the researcher was naïve to the actual challenges in the process of

caregiving, as he had not faced such a challenge himself.

Reflexivity

The participant of this study, being of equivalent age as the researcher, there was some

relatibility between the two which made the process smoother. The researcher and the participant

also shared interests in reading, which helped to build rapport and maintain a level of comfort.

The researcher is not a very emotional person, so when the participant was sharing some

emotionally charged content; it made the researcher apprehensive of how to respond to it. At

times, there were awkward silences, which made the researcher wonder if the participant was

expecting some elaborate response from the researcher. But the response mostly to emotionally

charged answers was of nodding or affirming. Apart from that, the interview process was not

linear and required improvising by the researcher which at times was challenging. However, the

participant was quite verbal which eased the process to some extent. In the discussion of death,

when the participant took an attitude of denial, the researcher was quite surprised how even after

a situation like this; people can be so aversive to the idea of death. Death has been a fascinating

topic for the researcher, so in this instance the researcher felt a sense of superiority in having

acceptance to the idea of death, and might have taken a condescending attitude towards the

participant.
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Results

Table 1 Codes to Themes

Codes Themes

- Symptoms 1. Covid causes fever, body pain, chest

- Uncertainty pain, breathing problem
- Fever-like 2. Similarity with fever

- Denial 3. Feeling of being immune to the disease

- Immune to disease 4. Denial of death caused by the disease
- No direct experience
- denial of death

- Chest pain, breathing problems 5. Nervousness and uncertainty

- Nervousness, uncertainty 6. Sense of responsibility
- Responsibility

- Not touching patient’s utensils 7. Wearing masks and gloves

- Precautions 8. Social distancing
- Masks, gloves
- Happening in the world 9. One can get infected despite of
- Vaccination precautions
- Infected despite of precautions 10. Personal experience increased perceived
seriousness
11. Importance of vaccine

- No driving license 12. Ineligibility to drive

- Household chores
- No knowledge of organizations
- First experience
- Burden of resource acquisition
- Scarcity of basic needs
- Untimely delivery
- Scarcity of medicines/emergency needs
- Panic
13. Little experience with household chores
14. Inability to access external support
15. First experience with such disease
16. Untimely delivery of needs
17. Unavailability of emergency needs

- Body ache from work 18. Body ache, tiredness and exhaustion
- Tiredness 19. Fever from being overworked
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- Fever
- Fear of getting infected

- Frustration from overprotection 20. Frustration from overprotection and

- Panic from declining health, scarcity of interference of patient
emergency needs 21. Fear and panic in anticipation for
- Sole caregiver emergency needs and decreasing
- Cognitive deficit availability of resources

22. Panic, fear, apprehension caused by the

declining health of the patient
23. Burden of being a sole caregiver for 3
patients
24. Ability to think, focus and concentrate
was lost
- Deserted public place
- Phone calls 25. Deserted market place created a scary
feeling
26. Multiple phone calls asking similar
questions

- Rationalization 27. Positive affirmation, rationalization

- Positive affirmation 28. Not giving the time to think by keeping
- Preoccupation oneself busy

- exposure to COVID related information
- negativity
- Positive information
29. Deleting social media accounts and
other information sources of perceived
negative events related to covid
30. Exclusively letting in positive
information

- College work 31. College work and classes as personal

- Personal time time
- Time with pet 32. Spending time with and caring for the
- Contact pet
- Leisure time

- Increased activity 33. Happiness in not being the usual lazy

- Patience and selfish self
- Handling pressure 34. Realization of hidden strength and
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- Hidden strength and potential potential to work under pressure

- Family’s perception 35. Perceived positive change in the family
- Positive evaluation member’s perception of the caregiver
- Mortality 36. Realization of transient nature of life
- Empathy 37. Empathy for homemakers

Table 2 From Basic to Organizing to Global themes

Basic themes Organizing themes Global themes

1. Covid causes fever, Perception of Symptoms Attitude towards the disease

body pain, chest pain,
breathing problem
2. Similarity with fever

3. Feeling of being Denial

immune to the disease
4. Denial of death caused
by the disease

5. Nervousness and Initial reactions

uncertainty
6. Sense of responsibility

7. Wearing masks and Precautions

gloves
8. Social distancing

9. One can get infected Seriousness of disease

despite of precautions
10. Personal experience
increased perceived
seriousness
11. Importance of vaccine

12. Ineligibility to drive Lack of knowledge Challenges in caregiving

13. Little experience with
household chores
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14. Inability to access

external support
15. First experience with
such disease

16. Untimely delivery of Scarcity of resources

needs
17. Unavailability of
emergency needs
18. Body ache, tiredness Physical experience Unpleasant experiences
and exhaustion
19. Fever from being
overworked

20. Frustration from Psychological experience

overprotection and
interference of patient
21. Fear and panic in
anticipation for
emergency needs and
decreasing availability
of resources
22. Panic, fear,
apprehension caused
by the declining health
of the patient
23. Burden of being a sole
caregiver for 3 patients

24. Ability to think, focus

and concentrate was
lost

25. Deserted market place Social experience

created a scary feeling
26. Multiple phone calls
asking similar
questions

27. Positive affirmation, Cognitive strategy Coping

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rationalization
28. Not giving the time to
think by keeping
oneself busy.

29. Deleting social media Control of information

accounts and other
information sources of
perceived negative
events related to covid
30. Exclusively letting in
positive information

31. College work and Emotional coping

classes as personal
time
32. Spending time with
and caring for the pet

33. Happiness in not being Psychological growth Enhancing Experiences

the usual lazy and
selfish self
34. Realization of hidden
strength and potential
to work under pressure
35. Perceived positive
change in the family
member’s perception
of the caregiver

36. Realization of transient Change in outlook

nature of life
37. Empathy for
homemakers
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Analysis

(The underlined text represents basic themes; “A” is the codeword used for the Subject; “B” is
the codeword for the Researcher)

Global Theme 1: Attitude towards the disease

The “Attitude towards the disease” theme encompasses various themes relating to the

perception of covid-19 from noticing the symptoms of the disease to the initial reactions of the

caregiver, the precautionary measures that were taken and the general attitude and change in

perceived seriousness of the disease with time.

Five organizing themes emerged from the discussion:

Organizing theme: perception of symptoms

The theme pertains to the nature of symptoms that were noticed by the caregiver which

led her to suspect that those were the symptoms of COVID-19. After a usual day in office, the

caregiver’s father had a high fever and was suffering body pain. The day later he was having

chest pain and breathing problems, which in general, are symptoms of covid-19. The symptoms

later occurred in the caregiver’s mother and brother, which further reinforced that it could be

covid:

A(subject): “…But one particular day, he came back and he couldn't get up because he was

like feeling so much body pain, and he comes home around 7:30-8 and till 11 or 12, he

had a very high fever.”

A: “…But the day after, he started having chest pain and a bit of breathing problem, and

seeing these, we started being a bit nervous. We thought that these are symptoms of

covid. So, it’s better if we had tested.”

A: “…So, the very next day... he was again getting ready for office, even though his body was

not in a state, and also that day, my mother too started having body pain. So, we knew
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something was happening. So then, my father went in the morning for testing. And by

evening, because my brother and my mom, both had some symptoms ...so my father

phoned and told them that there are chances that he might be positive, so it’s better if all

of us get tested soon. Because the earlier the report comes, the sooner we can, you

know, act upon it.”

It was also found that the symptoms were perceived to be similar to symptoms of fever.

A: “…Even we were not entirely sure if it was covid because the symptoms were very similar

to a fever. But we decided not to take the risk.”

Organizing Theme: initial reactions

This organizing theme specifically caters to the initial reactions of the caregiver on

perceiving the symptoms of the covid. Noticing the initial symptoms like chest pain and

breathing problems caused nervousness in the caregiver and her family. Also, the similarity of

the symptoms with fever caused uncertainty regarding if it was covid - 19. There was also

initially reluctance from the patients to accept that it could be COVID-19. However, the

caregiver and her family did not take the risk and decided to go for testing as soon as possible.

A: “…But the day after, he started having chest pain and a bit of breathing problem, and

seeing these, we started being a bit nervous.”

A: “…Even we were not certain if it was covid because the symptoms were very similar to a

fever.”

It was also found that the symptoms were perceived to be similar to symptoms of fever.

A: “…Even we were not entirely sure if it was covid because the symptoms were very similar

to a fever. But we decided not to take the risk.”

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A: “…But the day after, he started having chest pain and a bit of breathing problem, and

seeing these, we started being a bit nervous.”

A: “…Even we were not certain if it was covid because the symptoms were very similar to a

fever.”

Fig: Thematic Network: Attitude towards the disease

When the caregiver’s family was tested positive with covid – 19, and when she saw the

suffering of her loved ones, she felt a sense of responsibility. She also mentions that this was

contradictory to her usual nature, which is of selfishness and acting according to her own mood.

But the situation made it imperative that she takes responsibility and against her usual self,

especially being the only one left in the family who was not tested positive.

A: When I finally realized what was happening, and slowly I saw that they can't even move

and all were in different rooms. At that time. I don't know actually. I am a very selfish person

and these three people have been the caretakers of my life always. I have always been a very
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moody person. When I don't want to do something, I don't do it. But this time, I don't care. I

have to be there. I have to be with them. Because sometimes, my legs would pain from

standing in the kitchen, or working. But if I won't do it, who would...because we don't have the

option of going somewhere or anything.”

Organizing theme: precautions

This organizing theme pertains to the nature of precautions that were followed by the

subject in caring for the patients. Given the infectious nature of the disease, it was necessary that

the subject took proper precautionary measures. Mainly two kinds of measures was highlighted:

wearing masks and gloves and being cautious to not touch the utensils used by the patients, as

this would increase the burden of her work, and maintain social distancing while communicating

with the patients. The subject also mentioned that following the precautions were burdensome at

times, for e.g., talking with the patients while maintaining social distance was difficult, which

made her ponder if it would have been better if she got infected herself.

While caring for covid-19 patients, there remains the apprehension of being infected

which is why taking proper precautionary measures is imperative.

B (Researcher): “So during the process, were you afraid that you’ll get infected as well?”

A: “I was, but at the same time I was willing to get infected, but my parents were like "wear

the mask" and that and, every time I was giving them something or another, I have to

wear the mask, I have to wear the gloves. I have to take the precautions that I should not

go very near to them. or when they are talking to me, I have to maintain some sort of

distance or something like that. And I can't talk to them. Even when I am talking to

them, I have to keep a lot of distance. That is v difficult. So I was like because I was so

tired of all this. Sometimes I would think, a funny thought you know, its better if I

would have gotten infected instead."

Organizing theme: denial

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Denial formed a pervasive element of the experience of covid-19 for the subject. Before

the subject’s family got infected with the disease, when she would read the news of covid-19, she

felt that she is immune to the disease. She was somewhat in denial of the possibility of being

infected.

A: “I mean when you read the newspaper and you read the news and everything, "it doesn't

happen." It just can't happen to you. You feel like you are immune to something like

this.”

Apart from that, the subject’s family after showing the symptoms of covid-19 initially

was also in denial that they could have got infected, especially when they were taking the proper

precautions.

Given the severity of the second wave of the covid-19 pandemic and it taking many lives,

the subject was asked about her perception of death or if this experience brought any change in

her perception of the same. From her response, it was evident that the subject was in denial of

deaths caused by covid. As the subject did not suffer a death in her family due to the pandemic,

and the people she would read about in the news were unknown to her, she denied the

phenomenon altogether. Also her family being the closest to her, even thinking about the

possibility of their death caused aversive reactions. Additionally, she perceived death to be a

negative event, which is contrary to the researcher’s thinking. It highlights her unwillingness to

accept death as another reality of the world.

B: So did this experience change how you think about death?

A: “Like I said, if it’s not happening to me directly, it’s just not happening. I did not even feel

that something like this is occurring, so even if I read things about people in the news or

something, I don't know them personally. So I don't even feel that something like this is

happening. "
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B: So, you don't think about death at all?

A: “No No. Even while taking care of them at that time, I didn't allow myself to think

negatively. So I never thought in that extreme…..”

A: “…I didn't think about death at that moment. Because these are like the closest people in

my life. These are the people, you know even the possibility of leading to something

like that, I don't even think about it. I don't want to think about it.”

Organizing theme: seriousness of the disease

This Organizing theme pertains to the perceived seriousness of the disease caused by the

subject’s experience with it.

Prior to the subject’s family getting infected, she thought that people were getting

infected because they were not taking proper precautions. However, despite of her family

members taking proper precautions, including being vaccinated, they got infected. Therefore, her

personal experience increased the perceived seriousness of the disease. Additionally, the subject

mentions that if her family was not vaccinated, the impact could have been much more, which

highlights the importance of vaccination for the subject. Overall, it can be said that personal

experience causes a shift in perceived seriousness of the disease.

B: So did this experience change your perception about the seriousness of covid from before?

A: Ya, it did it did. Before it was something that was happening in the world. And I used to

think, "Why are people not taking precautions?" But now I saw that my parents were

vaccinated, my father was taking precautions and everything. Still he got infected. And we

don't know. Like we saw the symptoms. But maybe before that only he got infected. We

don't know about that. Like I think because they had one dosage of vaccine, there body was

able to fight with it. I don't know. I used to think if they had not taken it, what would have

happened?

Global Theme 2: Challenges in caregiving

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This Global theme pertains to the various challenges faced in the caring process by the

subject.

Following organizing themes emerged from the discussion:

Organizing theme: lack of knowledge

This organizing theme pertains to the limitations of the caregiver which posed various

challenges in the caregiving process.

First of all, the subject lacked a driving license which made her ineligible to drive, which

was crucial in times of emergency. For e.g., her father despite of being sick had to drive himself

to the hospital for covid testing.

A: “….But that day he was so sick and apart from my father, no one knows how to drive. I can

drive but at that time, I didn't have a driving license. And lockdown was on, so there were

police officers who would stop you and ask for a driver's license. So, if the testing had to

be done, my father would have to go himself.”

Another challenge was the subject’s little experience with household chores, as it was

mostly her mother who did that and now she was sick with COVID-19. The subject pondered if

she would have worked better if she had some prior experience with the household chores.

A: “You know actually I might have worked better if I already had some experience with the

household chores.”

Another challenge was that it was the subject’s first experience with the disease, and

being the sole care giver of three patients, the burden of accruing resources in times of

emergency was upon her shoulders which created panic at times:

A: “…Because this was the very first time that we were facing something like this and the

whole resource responsibility was coming on my shoulders, I freaked out a lot.”

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Related to the above, was the patient’s inability to access external support. Because of her

denial of the disease in the earlier stages, she failed to notice the organizations and other sources

in the newspaper or in the news, which provided support with certain resources and brought

relief in times of emergency:

B: Did you receive any support during this time from outside of your family?

A: “Nowhere. There are organizations and everything that work but till that time I didn't know.

I mean when you read the newspaper and you read the news and everything, "it doesn't

happen." It just can't happen to you. You feel like you are immune to something like this. So

you don't take a 2nd look towards it. But when it happens, you finally realize that ya, these

things are there. And when we were going through it, at that time I didn't have the time or

my mind just stopped. My mind just shut it down….”

Organizing Theme: scarcity of resources

This Organizing theme includes the challenges posed by scarcity of resources during the

time of the pandemic. The first challenge pertains to the untimely delivery of basic and

emergency needs. The subject mentioned one instance of ordering a thermal flask on Amazon,

and it’s delivery after the situation got better.

Another instance was when the subject needed some emergency medicines as one of the

patient’s health was declining, and despite repeated phone calls to a medicine store, the

medicines were not delivered on time.

A: “You know Bagmish, at that time it was difficult to get things. They needed hot water and

they needed thermal flask. So, we only had one and I ordered on Amazon. So, it came when

they all got better.”

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Fig: Thematic network: Challenges in Caregiving

Another challenge was posed by the unavailability of emergency needs. The subject

mentioned that she was not able to avail an oximeter, which measures the blood oxygen levels of

the patient. Not having this device causes a lot of uncertainty as it has to be guessed from the

patient’s reactions and verbal reports if his oxygen levels are in a normal range, and when it is

required to rush him to the hospital. Additionally, the subject also mentioned the scarcity of

medicines during the time of the pandemic:

B: Any particular challenge that you faced apart from the ones you already spoke about?

A: “So, my father's breathing and heart rate was getting really low. So, I remember making

calls to many places. So, I was not even getting an oximeter. And the medicines were
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also scarce. I panicked. It was this one time I remember calling the chemist and saying

"Please bhaiya! bring the medicines sooner. My father's health is declining." And this

particular stupid, idiot would be like "Ha madam, I am bringing. We have it." and he

didn't come. I was just waiting and he didn't come, Then, I finally called him after

waiting for some time. "Bhaiya, I have already called you 3 times. Why isn't it coming?

His health is declining a lot. Please send someone. "

Global Theme 3: Unpleasant experiences

This theme captures the physical, psychological and social dimensions of the caregiver’s

experience during the covid-19 pandemic which was unpleasant in nature.

Organizing theme: physical experience

Being the sole caregiver, the subject had to do tremendous amount of work which would

sometimes take toll on her body. The subject mentioned that she had to stand for long hours in

the kitchen which caused her legs to pain. Additionally, sometimes she would be so tired that she

pondered if she would get some rest if she compromised with her own eating by not making

chapattis for her. She also had to do a lot of running around catering to the needs of each patient

which would leave her exhausted at the end of the day. It was one instance the subject caught a

fever and perceived it to be due to the extreme amount of work she had to do. It also created that

apprehension in her that she got infected herself. So, the basic themes that emerged were: body

ache, tiredness and exhaustion; fever from being overworked.

A: “….Because sometimes, my legs would pain from standing in the kitchen, or working. But

if I won't do it, who would...because we don't have the option na. going somewhere or

anything.”

A: “…And doing something for myself, like I would be so tired that making two chapattis for

me would feel like a daunting task. I would think to myself, "If I don't make this chapatti, I
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would lie down for some time and I would get some rest. And I would be able to cater to

their needs in a much better way.”

B: During that period, did you yourself get sick?

A: So it was that. If I had to move around a lot, had lot of work, then that day during the night I

will have a bit of fever" And at that time, I would be a little afraid that "maybe I got

infected." But by the next day I was alright. So ya, running around so much I will get a fever

or something. Nothing much serious.”

Organizing theme: psychological experience

This organizing theme pertains to the different aspects of the psychological experience

which were unpleasant.

The first basic theme that emerged was panic, fear, apprehension caused by declining

health of the patient. When asked a question on any particular challenge that was faced by the

subject during the care-giving process, she talked about one instance when her father’s (patient)

breathing and heart rate was declining, but she had no oximeter to measure the oxygen level of

the patient. This caused a lot of panic, fear and apprehension. She had to constantly wake up

during the night to ensure her father was alright. Additional problems were created when she was

not able to avail the emergency medicines. Despite repeatedly urging a medicine store to supply

her medicines, they failed to do so on time. This also created panic and frustration. She was in

constant anticipation of the emergency needs while at the same time looking after the patient.

Even after the delayed supply of the medicines, the patient showed no sign of recovery,

and the subject had to finally search for emergency beds and available oxygen supply in the

hospitals. However, these resources were slowly decreasing which caused the subject great deal

of fear and panic.

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Fig: Thematic Network: Unpleasant experience

Therefore, the second basic theme that emerged was: fear and panic in anticipation for

emergency needs and decreasing availability of resources.

B: Any particular challenge that you faced apart from the ones you already spoke about?

A: So, my father's breathing and heart rate was getting really low. So, I remember making

calls to many places. So, I was not even getting an oximeter. And the medicines were

also scarce. I panicked. It was this one time I remember calling the chemist and saying

"Please bhaiya! bring the medicines sooner. My father's health is declining." And this

particular stupid, idiot would be like "Ha madam, I am bringing. We have it." and he

didn't come. I was just waiting and he didn't come....So, that was very difficult since we

had to wait till the next day. And even when it came, we had tension because he was still

not recovering. So, I was monitoring his heartbeat and I remember it decreasing. And I

was you know finally searching for beds around my area. And I used to freak out a lot.

And I had to be completely vigilant, because if it decreased further, I'll have to call the
 24

ambulance. And of course, when I am looking for ambulance and I am looking for beds

and everything, I'll come across the stats. So, at time, I'll see how many beds are

available, how many beds had oxygen attached. Where are the oxygen cylinders? These

things, so I had to maintain that. And it was slowly decreasing, so I really freaked out and

called my brother-in-law who lives in Mayur Vihar….”.

The declining health of the patient that night also created a dilemma in the subject

because she was the sole caregiver and if she had to take her father to the hospital, there would

be no one to cater to the needs of her mother and brother at home who were also COVID-19

patients. So, it can be said that the subject felt a burden of being the sole caregiver of three

patients.

A: “…That day, my heart was beating all the while. Because every 10 mins I would be asking

him na "What is it? What is it?" because the distance between 86 and 84 is very less and

if it just decreases a slight, I'll have to be ready and everything. And at that time, I really

got confused. Because if my father has to go to the hospital, who would go with him.

Because if I go there, who would stay at home…..”

While answering to a question about availing any external support during the times of

emergency, the subject mentioned that at that time she lost her ability to think clearly and

logically. She was just tackling the problem that is immediately in front of her. She lost her

capability to think beyond that.

Also despite of being an avid reader, at that time she lost the ability to concentrate on

anything that she was reading. So, it can be said that the experience induced a temporary

cognitive deficit as her ability to think, focus and concentrate was lost.

A: “…But when it happens, you finally realize that these things [organizations providing

support during covid] are there. And when we were going through it, at that time I didn't

have the time or my mind just stopped. My mind just shut it down. To have logical
 25

explanations or the ability to think was totally lost. So what is there in front of us, let's

just focus on that. If I am able to do something like this, I'll give my 100%, and then let's

see what can be done…..”

B: But you were not able to read your books as you mentioned earlier?

A: “Yes exactly, it was hard to concentrate on anything that I was reading at that time.”

Other than that, on being asked if the subject was frustrated on having to go through the

experience, she mentioned that she was particularly frustrated about her mother being

overprotective and interfering when she was doing the household chores. The subject mentioned

that this was because she usually doesn’t work at home, and when she had to, her mother was

being afraid and too cautious:

B: At any time, were you frustrated or angry about why it happened to you?

A: A lot..A lot..Because there were so many incidences. I usually don't work at home. And

when I was working, my mother was so afraid. I would seriously scream at my mother,

you know, "Just go and have some rest." you should be resting rn. What is the point of

this na. "If you want to do this, just stand up and do-it na." She wouldn't care. She would

just be beside the door of her room and she'll look at "what I am doing?"And she would

just shout from the distance "Are, what have you done?" "This is not the way, not like

this etc etc..."

Organizing Theme: social experience

The subject mentioned that she used to receive calls from different people at that time,

but basically their questions were almost same. Though she mentioned that the people calling

were well wishers, probably inquiring about the health of the patients, but answering the same

question multiple times to multiple people was tiresome. Apart from that, answering a question

about missing out any aspects of life due to her responsibilities, the subject mentioned that
 26

talking to people was not one of them, because she herself chose to avoid talking to people for

the same reason as mentioned above.

B: “The process sounds very tiring.”

A: “Yes, exactly. So, I am just watching it, and reacting on the basis of that. That is

different, but at that time talking to someone else, and telling them about it is very

difficult. You just don't fill like picking up calls, and there were too many of them.

All well wishers but it was tiresome answering the same questions.”

Also, one time the subject had to go to the market place to buy some essentials, and the

whole place was deserted. The subject mentioned that it was like a ghost town from zombie

movies and that the feeling was quite scary.

A: “…But when the disposables were all used up, then I went during the covid to the market

and everything, and it was so scary the whole thing. It was so deserted and everything.

So it just felt like a ghost town from a zombie movie….”

Global Theme 4: Coping

This Global theme encompasses various strategies, conscious and unconscious, employed

by the caregiver to deal with the challenging experience of caring for COVID-19 patients.

Organizing theme 1: control of information

There was a flood of information at the peak of the second wave of corona-virus pandemic, from

both credible and fake sources covering various aspects of the situation. Such abundance of

information can prove overwhelming for a person going through the experience themselves. One

such source of information is the social media platforms. The subject mentioned that she deleted

all her social media accounts (except WhatsApp) and ignored any source of information that

might report perceived negative events related to covid-19 (like deaths). She mentioned one

instance of even deleting contact numbers of people, including relatives who could share such
 27

information on WhatsApp. She mentioned being afraid of her mental state being adversely

affected by such information and disrupting her capability to continue with the

Fig: Thematic Network: Coping

caregiving activities, which was not an option at that time. She also urged the patients to try not

to be exposed to such information, like watching videos on the Internet.

A: I knew that if I watch videos, because at that time videos and all were also being

circulated a lot. And if i watch you know..in my mind. I’ll get shattered. And then there

will be no one and my mother will be forced to stand up and do the work. And of course,

I don't want that. So, I deleted all social media and everything. Even in WhatsApp I was

focusing that there should be no one in my contact list. I deleted many contacts during

that time, like my uncle and other relatives who could post something like this, I just
 28

deleted their contact. Because "I don't want that sort of negativity in my life right now. I

knew how it could have affected me."

On the other hand, the subject differentially had an open mind for positive information

that could aid her in the caring process. For e.g., she mentioned an instance of getting

information about a kind of spice that could potentially relieve chest pain of the patients.

Therefore, the basic theme that emerged was: exclusively letting in positive information.:

B: So, you totally obstructed any kind of news or media that could destabilize you...

A: “Yes... like I would see things that might positively affect them.. things that could relieve

their pain..like chest pain and all. If you use "Kali mirch", then you could get some relief.

Like if there were messages like that. I had an open eye for those things. But at the same

time, where the gravity of the situation. Like had the feeling of confrontation, I was

totally averting that thing.”

Organizing theme: cognitive strategy

This organizing theme pertains to the strategies used by the subject, active and passive to

adjust her cognition in a way that will be optimum in the caregiving process.

Firstly, the subject engaged in positive affirmation and rationalization. The subject

mentioned that even though she was aware of the negative events caused by the disease, like

deaths and the scarcity of resources (eg., emergency beds), she forced herself to think positive.

She also rationalized to herself that her brother won’t suffer, probably because he was young,

and her parents were partially vaccinated, so it won’t cause much damage:

A: “But at that time I didn't have the choice to even think something like that in that direction

and I really loved it that I forced myself to think positive. I didn't even for once thought

you know, even though people were going to the hospitals, and they are not even getting

the beds, even if they are not getting the oxygen cylinders and everything…. I just

thought you know, my parents, I would say to myself something like this "My brother is
 29

here. He will not suffer. Mom and dad already had a dose of vaccine. So nothing will

happen. "We will handle it." I used to affirm myself completely, continuously and even

when my father’s oxygen level dropped down and everything.”

The subject also mentioned that she always tried to keep herself busy with something or

preoccupied with caring activities so that she didn’t have the time to think and ponder about the

experience which could mentally make her weak or make her lose confidence to deal with the

situation. Even while answering a question about what measures she thinks should be taken to

prepare people psychologically for such experiences, she mentioned the importance of being

strong and not thinking about it too much, and also gave her personal experience of rationalizing

when she was not able to concentrate on activities like reading.

A: “…But at that time, I did not give myself the time to think so much. I used to always

keep myself busy with something. I would be boiling water for them or preparing food

etc. So I kept myself busy with something.”

B: So what kind of measures do you think can be taken to prepare people psychologically

for this type of experiences?

A: “Personally, I think when they are facing the thing at that time, especially, the caretaker.

She has to be strong. So in my case also, I wasn't giving myself the time, or the luxury of

thinking that "My mental state is not alright to take responsibility." Even when I was not

able to concentrate on something that I was reading I was not thinking about it twice. I

was thinking "Let it be. I have work left to do." So I was not giving myself that much

time. But yes, after, like the person has come out of it. After that, there is some sort of

psychological evaluation, or bridging the gap between the person that you were during

that time and the person you are right now. So that would be really helpful.”

Organizing theme: emotional coping

 30

The subject mentioned that the time she was busy with her college work and classes was

her personal time. She also expressed her discontentment when one of her classmates urged her

to suspend her responsibilities as a class representative and also not attend classes for some time.

She said that it was the only time when she was busy, but at the same time free from her

caregiving responsibilities. She mentioned that it felt selfish at that time, but she told her family

about her class schedule so that everybody adjusts their routine according to that time and

doesn’t bother her during that period. In her own words, she wanted “an escape”.

A: “…And plus like you are surrounded by so many things, that you want an escape..You don't

just want to delve into it. I remember at that time I just cried when RS said that "you don't

do the CR work, or you don't attend the classes" in X's classes. And I was like you know

when I can think about something else. "Don't take it away from me." yea, that

happened…”

A: “Like for some time, I wanted that I don't think about this thing. And you know what

happened at that time,. it felt a bit selfish, but at that time what happened was like I

already told my mummy papa that "I have my class at this time. So, you know they

would force my brother to wake up accordingly, "go have your breakfast first" I would

boil the water according to that. So that during the time period of my class, no one asks

me for something. So, I would also get rest from that thing.”

Other than that, she focused on audio-books and reading as it is her usual habit despite

having trouble with focusing on things. It can be said that she tried to maintain a sense of

continuity in her life by engaging in her usual activities.

A: “So at that time actually focused on audio books and reading stuff and all that. It was

difficult, otherwise I read a lot but at that time it was difficult. Because I would realize at

that time that even though consciously I am not feeling that I am having a lot of problems
 31

and I should get some relief or something. But at the same time focusing on things was

getting difficult.”

Answering a question about how the subject coped with her emotions during that period,

she mentioned that the time spent with her dog, taking him for walks and caring for him helped

her cope emotionally. She mentioned that he was the only “family member” she could really be

in contact with, and that it compensated her lack of human touch during that time of social

isolation. As focusing on other things (eg., reading) was difficult, she mentioned that the time

spent with her dog was the only leisure time she got:

B: So how did you cope with your emotions during this period?

A: I have a dog. *laughs* I would focus on him and the time I would get in between. I don't

do it. But at that time I would pull him close and everything, because he was the only family

member that I can touch……. I guess the only time that I got for myself that could be said to

be sort of leisure time was my dog's walks. The times I used to take him for a walk, and I

would also play with other stray dogs. Those were the only 2 times in the day when I could

be myself.”

Global Theme: Enhancing Experiences

This Global theme encompasses the growth and positive change of the subject from the

caregiving experience.

Organizing Theme: psychological growth

In a response to a question about her physical and mental health during this period, the

subject mentioned that despite of the tiring nature of the work, she was happy in not being her

usual lazy and selfish self. She mentioned that before this experience, she was lazy and didn’t do

the household chores. But the situation forced her to do it. Further, she mentioned that she was

much more patient during this experience than she would otherwise be in normal circumstances:
 32

B: So how was your physical and mental state during this period?

A: “I was actually standing the whole day. I was actually more active while taking care of

them because I am super lazy. So for that I was happy. That at least I am standing.”

A: “….But apart from that, I was lazy. I didn't do household chores and all.”

A: “….So I think I was really strong. That I was not that selfish, not my usual selfish self. I

think I was really active. I was much much patient than I am really now, in normal

circumstances….”

On being asked if the subject got any new insights into herself from this experience, she

mentioned that the realization that she can also work under pressure. Earlier, when she read

about the narratives of people suffering and working in the pandemic, she thought that only

emotionally strong people can deal with a grave situation like this - she would be the first one to

break apart if something like this happens to her. But from this experience she discovered her

hidden strength and potential to work under pressure.

She also shared her realization that one only realizes their true strength when they are

faced with a situation like this:

B: From this experience, have you got any insights, or discovered something new about

yourself?

A: “I can also work under pressure. *chuckles* So I always thought, even when this whole

thing started I had these narratives. I read about these narratives that how people were

suffering, how people were actually working. And I didn't think that we are going to

survive. I thought that if something like this happens, I will be the first one to break apart.

But I used to think that this is something only emotionally strong people can do. And not

someone like this. I won't be able to manage it, I'll just break up totally.”

A: “Ya, exactly. I could actually understand the thing that you don't know how strong you

are until the situation comes. At that time only, I could understand that thing.”
 33

A: “But yeah, at least I understand this thing that if something like this happens, if

something so serious again happens in my family and everything, at least I won't fall

apart. Like I would be able to do it.”

Fig: Thematic Network: Enhancing experiences

Another basic theme that emerged from the discussion was the perceived positive change

in the family member’s perception of the subject. She said that only after this experience, her

family members thought that no matter how lazy she was, she can take things into her hand when

the situation calls for it. Earlier, they had no confidence on her that she would be able to carry

out this responsibility:

B: So has this experience changed how your family members look at you now?

A: “I think so. I think so. Like I hope so. I really hope that they do. Ya actually my father

would say that "I never thought you know that you could partake this, or work under so
 34

much pressure. though one day I saw that you were doing it, next day I was actually

thinking that your mother has to do the work, because we didn't trust you with this so

much" But after that they think "no matter how goofy she is she can take things into her

hand, and if it comes to a serious thing, she can do it." It’s just my thinking. I really wish

that they are thinking the same. *Laughs* I wish "it’s their thinking as well" Yes, one

thing my father definitely told "I didn't believe that you will be able to do it" They had no

confidence at all that I will do it.

Organizing theme: change in outlook

This organizing theme pertains to the subject’s change in outlook towards life from this

experience. Firstly, she realized the transient nature of life. Though, denial of death formed a

pertinent aspect of the discussion, there was one instance of her mentioning the realization of the

shortness of life. It was when the situation was slowly getting better for her family and she

finally had the courage to read about the stories and experiences of people going through the

same experience, that she had this thought. She mentioned that this realization made her fulfill

the wish of shaving her hair without giving much thought.

A: “….After that finally, when they got all right and I was finally assured that nothing will

happen no, then I started reading stories, the stats and the things, and the experiences, the

videos and all that. And I was like "Life is too short man." Maybe today my immune

system worked. Maybe next time it won't. I always wanted to be a bald person, so I want

to do it now. And that's why I did it.”

Doing the household chores was one of the primary aspects of the caregiving process as

the primary caretaker, her mother was sick with COVID-19. The subject mentioned that she

finally understood the tolling nature of the work of homemakers. She earlier pondered why after

making a big meal for everybody her mother would lose her own appetite. But going through the
 35

experience herself made her understand why it happened. She mentioned that after so much

work, one doesn’t have the energy left to even eat. And she also understood the importance of

cooperation of other members of the family with the homemaker. So, it can be said that the

subject was able to empathize with her mother’s pain and of the homemakers in general.

(empathy for homemakers)

A: “But yes, after this particular time, I realized how homemaker, how much she gets tired.

How tolling the work is, especially if she has to take of 3 other human. And I remember

that my mother used to scold my brother that "to give you the plate I have to come to

your room. Why can’t you just go to the kitchen and take your plate and everything."

This time I actually realized how frustrating that can be when you know, you are making

chapattis and so much heat. And you just. "I can't even ask for her help from someone

else. I just have to do it for myself. I would totally understand when I would see my

mother after making a big meal. She would skip eating. She would just like sit and rest.

So I was always confused "Mummy, you made such great meal, why aren't you tasting it.

Why aren't you eating. So I came to understand that the person gets so much tired that

you don't have the energy left to eat."

Discussion

This qualitative study explored the psychological experience of caregivers of COVID-19

patient using thematic network analysis and found five global themes: “Attitude towards the

disease”, “Challenges in caregiving”, “Scarcity of Resources”, “Unpleasant Experiences”,

“Coping”, “Enhancing Experiences” consisting of different organizing and basic themes. The

first global theme included the caregiver’s perception of symptoms of COVID-19, her initial

reactions, the nature of precautions, denial towards various aspects of the disease and perceived

seriousness of the disease. The symptoms were typical of COVID-19 disease which included
 36

respiratory problems, chest pain, body pain etc. and the novelty of the disease and its symptoms

being similar to fever initially caused nervousness and uncertainty. This uncertainty might be

caused by the fluctuating nature of symptoms in patients. (Ogunlana, Govender, 2020).

In the current study, the subject was faced with many challenges in the caregiving

process, including lack of knowledge, scarcity of resources and unmet needs. Previous studies

have reported lack of public knowledge and awareness regarding various aspects of COVID-19.

(Sun, Wei et al., 2020; Mubeen, Kamal et al., 2020). Other studies have shown that lack of

access to medical equipments for caregivers made caring for COVID-19 patients a challenge

which is also seen in the present study. (Karimi, Fereidouni et al.,2020, Mohammadi, Farjam et

al.,2021). Denial of deaths related to the disease and also feeling of being immune to the disease

was seen prior to going through the experience. However, the experience of caregiving and

witnessing the suffering of family members increased the perceived seriousness of COVID-19

for the subject.

The subject experienced unpleasant physical, psychological and social experiences while

caregiving. It included physical exhaustion from the burden of the work, panic, fear and

apprehension caused by declining health of the patient and unmet emergency needs, and burden

of answering multiple people inquiring about the patient’s health. The result of a review done by

Choi and colleagues showed that sleep disorders fatigue and inadequate self-care were

recognized as common physical health problems in family caregivers. (Choi, Danahoe &

Hoffman, 2016). Other studies on nurses have shown that physical exhaustion, psychological

helplessness, health threat, lack of knowledge, and interpersonal unfamiliarity under the threat of

epidemic disease led to a large number of negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, and

helplessness. (Boyle, Robertson et al., 2006; Kim Y, 2018). However, a unique finding of this
 37

research is that the subject was frustrated and angry on her mother (patient) being overprotective

of her while she was working.

The intense nature of the pandemic and the pressure of caregiving prompted the subject

to use various active and passive strategies to cope with the experience. She controlled the

exposure to information by selectively focusing on positive information and blocking off any

negative information circulated during that time. She adopted rationalization, positive

affirmation, distraction and to some extent denial as defenses to psychologically adjust to the

situation. Further, she continued attending her classes as she claimed it was her cherished

personal time. Other than that, the study found that spending time with and caring for her pet

helped the subject to cope emotionally. Some studies have shown that reduced social interactions

and social exclusion while providing care are associated with anxiety, depression, apathy,

disappointment, loneliness, and isolation. (Schulz, Sherwood et al., 2008, Vasileiou, Barnett et

al., 2017). But contrary to these studies, the subject in the present study did not report such

negative emotions to be associated with social isolation, except, one instance of going to the

market and it being deserted brought about a scary feeling. In that instance, it can be said that a

mild impact of social isolation was felt. Otherwise, the subject willfully avoided social contacts

because she wanted to avoid talking about the experience. It also emerged from the discussion

that the subject tried to dissociate herself from the experience.

Apart from the unpleasant physical, psychological and social experiences, the subject

also experienced a sense of psychological growth. She discovered her hidden strength and

potential to work under pressure. Similarly to a study done by Abendroth and colleagues, in this

study, the subjected reported a sense of responsibility, compassion and patience in taking care of

the patients. (Abendroth, Lutz et al, 2012). Additionally, the subject also felt a sense of empathy
 38

towards the homemakers, and realized the transient nature of life. Hence, the experience of

caregiving can be said to be a mixture of both positive and negative emotions.

Limitations

The sample size of this study was limited (n = 1), and therefore the results might not be

generalizable to a larger population. Additionally, only a single interview was conducted over

the online modality. Therefore, data from multiple sources needs to be explored to gain an in-

depth understanding of the phenomenon.

Conclusion

This study tried to provide a comprehensive understanding of the psychological experience of

primary caregivers of COVID-19 patients using thematic network analysis. It was found that

both unpleasant and enhancing experiences were part of the caregiving process. The caregiver

employed various active and passive coping strategies to deal with the gravity of the situation

and the pressure of caregiving. Psychological growth and change in outlook towards life were

some positive consequences of the experience. This study provided data that can aid in building

effective interventions to protect the mental and physical health of the primary caregivers, and

also identify and rectify the structural limitations that makes the caregiving process challenging.

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Appendix

Interview Schedule

Opening

1. When was the first time you suspected that your family members might be positive?

2. What were the symptoms that you noticed?

3. How much time elapsed between when you first suspected and when you finally decided to go

for testing? Initially, were you in denial that it could happen to you?

4. Are you used to checking the covid stats? How did it make you feel when the cases were

continually on the rise?

5. Did you get covid?

Main body

1. How did you feel initially when you realized that all other members were positive and now it

was upon you to take care of them?

2. Were you angry with your fate?

3. What were the challenges you faced while handling the patients?
 42

4. What was your mental and physical state during this period?

5. Were you afraid of getting infected yourself while caring for them?

6. Did you feel the urge to break the protocols and be in contact with them?

7. How did you cope with your emotions? At any point, were you afraid it would make you

dysfunctional?

8. Did you ever feel Overwhelmed with the amount of information or news regarding covid?

9. What were your observations of the patients’ reaction to this situation?

10. Did you get any kind of support during these times? Were you able to access the necessary

resources?

11. How did it affect your studies/ job?

12. Did you feel that you were lagging behind or missing out on other aspects of your life due to

your responsibilities at that time?

13. If you had gone to the hospital, What did you see, how was your experience there?

14. How was their recovery process for you mentally and physically?

Closure

1. Usually, are you used to taking so much responsibility?

2. Have you got any new insights into yourself from this experience? Anything new that you

discovered?

3. How did taking care of so many people affect your self-esteem?

4. Has this experience shifted your perspective towards life in any way? Do you see any change

in your aims and aspirations and what you value now?

5. Having seen such chaos around, so many people dying it is almost impossible to ignore death.

So has this experience changed how you think about death? Or do you think about it at all?
 43

6. Do you think this experience has changed how your (parents/the people you were taking care

of) look at you now?) Do you see any changes in their behavior?

7. Did your experience in any way change your perception about the severity/ seriousness of

covid?

8. What kind of emotions do you feel when you think about that experience now?

9. Have you been able to cope up with these changes? What helped you cope?

10. What kind of measures do you think can be taken to prepare people psychologically for this

type of situation in the future?

Transcript

(The interview was mostly in English, and therefore, represents the participant’s own words

accurately. The “Hindi” sections were translated to English.)

B: Did you get covid or it was only your family?

A: It was only my family.

B: When was the first time that you suspected that your family members might be

positive?

A: How should I answer this? Like when I saw the symptoms?

B: Yes. Like what were the symptoms that you saw that led you to suspect that it might be

covid?

A: So, my father is a govt. officer and during that time, offices were doing alternate days. Even

though everything was sanitized every day and all that. But one particular day, he came back and

he couldn't get up because he was like feeling so much body pain, and he comes home around

7:30-8 and till 11 or 12, he had a very high fever. So, the next day was off and he didn't have to

go to the office. But the day after, he started having chest pain and a bit of breathing problem,
 44

and seeing these, we started being a bit nervous. We thought that these are symptoms of covid.

So, it’s better if we had tested.

But that day he was so sick and apart from my father, no one knows how to drive. I can drive but

at that time, I didn't have a driving license. And lockdown was on, so there were police officers

who would stop you and ask for a driver's license. So, if the testing had to be done, my father

would have to go himself. But even that day my parents were not ready to accept that...you

know...that my father finally got it..so just as a precautionary thing.. He stayed in one room, and

all of us stayed in other rooms. Also, we kept his food outside the door.

So, the very next day... he was again getting ready for office, even though his body was not in a

state...and also that day, my mother too started having body pain. So, we knew something was

happening. So then, my father went in the morning for testing. And by evening, because my

brother and my mom, both had some symptoms...so my father phoned and told them that there

are chances that he might be positive, so its better if all of us get tested soon. Because the earlier

the report comes, the sooner we can, you know, act upon it.

B: So you were very quick to react? or was there any denial?

A: So initially, the day he had off...our family was somewhat in denial..but not...like we were

taking the precautions. We thought that, yes, there might be a possibility. But at the same time,

my father was not accepting it ki "I could have it". Because he was like, "I am keeping my

distance in the office, wherever I go..You know.. Even when my pressing the buttons in the lift, I

am not pressing it with my own fingers. I am using gloves and all that. " And yeah, we actually

had to force him to get tested, because he was completely saying thing this you know, "Fever, to

I had before as well. So its just fever." Even we were not certain if it was covid because the

symptoms were very similar to a fever. But we decided not to take the risk.
 45

B: Yeah, but nevertheless you were quick to react...That's good.

B: So during this period, when the second wave hit were you checking the covid-19 stats?

So how did it make you feel when the cases were rising in India?

A: So when we got tested, and report and all came and everything. and my father(laughs) is a

huge over thinker. So.. and during this time, in his office, there were many deaths. Every day,

there was some message coming on WhatsApp, and after this, finally, they got to know about

this. So, after this, things just spiraled down. Before this, you know when they looked at the

news and everything, the statistics and all that, it didn't affect them. But now when they were

inside it, it got.. I mean they got really down. They would say to me "If you had got a job by

now, we won't have had so much tension. You don't have a job, what If if I die." So yeah..

B: So you didn't check the stats and everything?

A: Yaar see, I saw how it was affecting my parents. Okay! So I have to be positive somewhere,

and as the only person was doing everything, I didn't think that I could afford, you know..seating

and thinking about it that.. you know.. if something happens if...you know + I knew that if I

watch videos, because at that time videos and all were also being circulated a lot. And if i watch

you know..in my mind..I'll get shattered. And then there will be no one and my mother will be

forced to stand up and do the work. And of course, I don't want that. So, I deleted all social

media and everything. Even in WhatsApp I was focusing that there should be no one in my

contact list. I deleted many contacts during that time, like my uncle and other relatives who could

post something like this, I just deleted their contact. Because "I don't want that sort of negativity

in my life right now. I knew how it could have affected me." And as I saw my parents, my

brother..how sad they became. I actually tried to bar them from watching these things. But that is

the thing naa. I can't go there personally and snatch their phones.
 46

When I told them, they would be like..ha ha. We have stopped. And in some time, they would

watch it again.

B: So, you totally obstructed any kind of news or media that could destabilize you...

A: Yes... like I would see things that might positively affect them.. things that could relieve their

pain..like chest pain and all. If you use "Kali mirch", then you could get some relief. Like if there

were messages like that. I had an open eye for those things. But at the same time, where the

gravity of the situation. Like had the feeling of confrontation, I was totally averting that thing.

B: So you had reasonable control over what info you were taking in..

A: Yess

B: So you have already told many things. What was your first reaction when you came to

know that everybody else was positive and you are the only one who has to take

responsibility?

A: When I finally realized what was happening, and slowly I saw that they can't even move and

all were in different rooms. At that time.. I don't know actually. I am a very selfish person and

these three people have been the caretakers of my life always. I have always been a very moody

person. When I don't want to do something, I don't do it. But this time, I don't care. I have to be

there. i have to be with them. Because sometimes, my legs would pain from standing in the

kitchen, or working. But if I won't do it, who would...because we don't have the option na. going

somewhere or anything.”

B: So, you were voluntarily taking up responsibility?

A: I don't know if it’s voluntary or not, because I was the only one left in the house.

B: But still sometimes, people might close them off in such situations, but you were positive

about confronting it?

 47

A: I seriously don't think if we are living with our family and something like this happens, we

can do it, because yes, if I wouldn't have seen my family in front of me, I might have questioned,

that I cannot do this because I am not that strong emotionally. But at that time, I did not give

myself the time to think so much. I used to always keep myself busy with something. I would be

boiling water for them or preparing food etc. So I kept myself busy with something.

B: At any time, were you frustrated or angry about why it happened to you?

A: A lot..A lot..Because there were so many incidences. I usually don't work at home. And when

I was working, my mother was so afraid. I would seriously scream at my mother, you know,

"Just go and have some rest." you should be resting right now. What is the point of this na. "If

you want to do this, just stand up and do-it na." She wouldn't care. She would just be beside the

door of her room and she'll look at "what I am doing?"And she would just shout from the

distance "Are, what have you done?" "This is not the way, not like this etc etc." My mother's

taste na completely went away. She would scold me everyday "How have you made this food?"

"You made so terrible food." And I would be like "What happened to your own taste?" So, it was

just that. I didn't have any other frustration, and yes, I just had frustration about one thing that I

would feel so tired at the end of the day. So it went like that ki after serving water and terrible

food to everybody, I would be like, I would just fall on my bed and just fade away. I was so

tired. This is it. And doing something for myself, like I would be so tired that making two

chapattis for me would feel like a daunting task. I would think to myself, "If I don't make this

chapatti, I would lie down for some time and I would get some rest. And I would be able to cater

to their needs in a much better way. You know Bagmish, at that time it was difficult to get

things. They needed hot water and they needed thermal flask. So, we only had one and I ordered

on Amazon. So, it came when they all got better.

 48

B: *Laughing* Sorry!

A: Are! It’s okay, even we laugh at that. So, for my mother and brother, I had to give them water

in a normal bottle. And it would get colder in some time. So, I had to again boil water. So, that

thing was really frustrating for me. I would just curse Amazon “Why they are not delivering

yet".(Laughing)

B: Your endurance must really have been tested?

A: But you know, our brains stop working at time. You just focus on like giving them the things

they are asking for at that very time, especially water. because as they were explaining the

symptoms I felt they had a sore throat. And when you have a sore throat, you just want

something warm. So, tea was being made a lot of times during the day.

But then also, I would restrict the amount of tea, because the milk would affect their sore throat.

So, I would just stick to black tea and hot water, which was made a lot of times. Because you

cannot boil the same water again . And I would really have to be vigilant when I am giving them

food or something, I don't touch their utensils. Otherwise you have to wash and sanitize them

again. Ya, so my work would have increased.

You know actually I might have worked better if I already had some experience with the

household chores.

B: Any particular challenge that you faced apart from the ones you already spoke about?

A: So, my father's breathing and heart rate was getting really low. So, I remember making calls

to many places. So, I was not even getting an oximeter. And the medicines were also scarce. I

panicked. It was this one time I remember calling the chemist and saying "Please bro! bring the

medicines sooner. My father's health is declining." And this particular stupid, idiot would be like

"Ha madam, I am bringing. We have it." and he didn't come. I was just waiting and he didn't
 49

come, Then, I finally called him after waiting for some time. "Bhaiya, I have already called you

3 times. Why isn't it coming. His health is declining a lot. please send someone. " And he said

"Madam, the delivery boys already left for home. And they were the ones talking to you." So,

that was very difficult since we had to wait till the next day. And even when it came, we had

tension because he was still not recovering. So, I was monitoring his heartbeat and I remember it

decreasing. And I was you know finally searching for beds around my area. And I used to freak

out a lot. And I had to be completely vigilant, because if it decreased further, I'll have to call the

ambulance. And of course, when I am looking for ambulance and I am looking for beds and

everything, I'll come across the stats. So, at time, I'll see how many beds are available, how many

beds had oxygen attached. Where are the oxygen cylinders. These things, so I had to maintain

that. And it was slowly decreasing, so I really freaked out and called my brother-in-law who

lives in Mayur Vihar.So, he can just guide us from that far. He can't do anything. Because this

was the very first time that we were facing something like this and the whole resource

responsibility was coming on my shoulders, I freaked out a lot. I just wrote the no.s of the

ambulances, the beds and everything. I told, I discussed it with my parents, and my father was

like "Lets just wait for few more minutes. And then lets see what could be done." So finally, he

didn't have to go because I think by next 24 hrs or something, the thing increased. And it stayed

there an, the low level; it reached 86 or something and it stayed there. And at 84, I was telling

him "We'll have to just rush to the hospital." So, it was a lot. That day, my heart was beating all

the while. Because every 10 mins I would be asking him na "What is it? What is it?" because the

distance between 86 and 84 is very less and if it just decreases a slight, I'll have to be ready and

everything. And at that time, I really got confused. Because if my father has to go to the hospital,

who would go with him. Because if I go there, who would stay at home. So, I discussed all these
 50

things with my brother-in-law, my parents talked to him as well. We are looking for it now, If we

find we'll tell.

B: Did you receive any support during this time from outside of your family?

A: Nowhere. There are organizations and everything that work but till that time I didn't know. I

mean when you read the newspaper and you read the news and everything, "it doesn't happen." It

just can't happen to you. You feel like you are immune to something like this. So you don't take a

2nd look towards it. But when it happens, you finally realize that these things are there. And

when we were going through it, at that time I didn't have the time or my mind just stopped. My

mind just shut it down. To have logical explanations or the ability to think was totally lost. So

what is there in front of us, let's just focus on that. If I am able to do something like this, I'll give

my 100%, and then let's see what can be done. But ya, I know, like within my society there were

other people where in the family there was not a single person standing, all of them were covid

positive. So they contacted ISKCON temple. From there, they got their meals and everything

packed. And the guards will keep the food on their doorsteps and leave..But yeah, like I didn't

get the support system..And more than me when they call, they used to talk to patients and

everything. Because when they call me, I used to be either very busy or I just didn't know how to

answer the question. I was like "I don't even want to talk about this."

B: The process sounds very tiring.

A: Yes, exactly. So, I am just watching it, and reacting on the basis of that. That is different, but

at that time talking to someone else, and telling them about it is v difficult. You just don't fill like

picking up calls, and there were too many of them. All well wishers but it was tiresome

answering the same questions.

 51

And plus like you are surrounded by so many things, that you want an escape..you don't just

want to delve into it. I remember at that time I just cried when RS said that “you don't do the CR

work, or you don't attend the classes" in X's classes. And I was like you know when I can think

about something else. "Don't take it away from me." yea, that happened.

Like for some time, I wanted that I don't think about this thing. And you know what happened at

that time,. it felt a bit selfish, but at that time what happened was like I already told my mummy

papa that "I have my class at this time. So, you know they would force my brother to wake up

accordingly, "go have your breakfast first" I would boil the water according to that. So that

during the time period of my class, no one asks me for something. So, I would also get rest from

that thing.

B: Yes, makes sense. You are going through so much; you also need time to replenish.

A; Haan.. true..And at that time if I am looking into like I am watching series or something, ek

toh you don't have the time, and even when you have some time, you are thinking ki " I am free,

at that time you just want to sleep. Because you are so tired. So you never consider yourself

for series. So this was one part where I was busy but at the same time a little bit free.

B: So did you feel the urge to break the protocols and be in close contact with them?

A: Not exactly but at the same time 2 3 times I felt that. But at that time I knew that if I fall

down, my mother has to stand up, my father has to take care. And I don't want that, so I had to

take care of myself as well. I did not come into contact with them but at the same time I also

felt like that they were sick, so their room needs to be cleaned. And it would be better that

way. So I told my mother to go into my father's room and I will clean her room and everything,
 52

definitely wearing a mask and gloves...But she was like "No. We'll do it ourselves. And I also

remember her scolding me for this thing, because I was doing too much work.

B: So during the process, were you afraid that you"ll get infected as well?

A: I was , but at the same time I was willing to get infected, but my parents were like "wear the

mask" yehi that and, everytime I was giving them something or another, I have to wear the mask,

I have to wear the gloves. I have to take the precautions that I should not go very near to them. or

when they are talking to me, I have to maintain some sort of distance or something like that. And

I can't talk to them. Even when I am talking to them , I have to keep a lot of distance. That is

very difficult. So I was like because I was so tired of all this. Sometimes I would think, a funny

thought you know."Its better if I would have gotten infected instead." Why my immune system is

built like this.

But I didn't care so much you know because my parents were always reminding me time and

again that you have do this thing. you'll have to wear masks and gloves while handling our

utensils. Once my mother used to do this thing ki she used to tell me that "give me a bucket of

water." and she would clean her utensils by herself once, or else my father used to do this in the

bathroom, and after that when the things are cleaned and everything she would ask me ki "wash

these things, wash these utensils again, and I used to do that..after watching it by myself I would

again wash them with dettol or something like that. So it was always like my mom's idea. I never

thought. Even after that I was v lazy, I was like "Are are!sirf paani hi to dalna hai. Itne mein

kuch nahi Hua, to ab kya hoga." I am in the home only. I was very careless about it.

B: So how was your physical and mental state during this period?

A: I was actually standing the whole day.. I was actually more active while taking care of them

because I am super lazy. So for that I was happy. That at least I am standing.
 53

B: During that period, did you yourself get sick?

A: So it was that. If I had to move around a lot, had lot of work, then that day during the night I

will have a bit of fever" And at that time, I would be a little afraid that "maybe i got infected."

But by the next day I was alright. So ya, running around so much I will get a fever or something.

Nothing much serious.

B: So were you reflecting on the process "What is happening?" The whole experience you

were totally involved that you didn't get the space for that?

A: Actually, it is very difficult to summarize the whole experience. Please repeat the question

once.

B: So what I feel like is that you were totally engrossed in the experience. Caring for your family

and everything. So between that, did you get the time and space to observe yourself during the

experience. "Like what is happening, did you get the time to actively reflect on it?

A: No..no.. So for 7 days, I was like. in an extreme way I did the thing. So I don't think between

that I had got such moments, At night, when I will lay down on my bed, then I would have if

there was not so much work, and I was not so tired., maybe I would have thought. But I would

just sleep instantly. There was no time to think." because these things were always going

through my mind "Now I will have to make rotis. maine us gas mein pain garam karke rakha

hai.phir mujhe wo bhi banana hai."So it would run through my mind a lot. What I have to do

next..

B: You have answered a lot of questions already. "

A: You know actually it is better like this. That you are from my age group. If I would have done

it with someone else, I would have been v formal. And also while giving answers, I would have

felt awkward"
 54

Q. So how did you cope with your emotions during this period?

A: I have a dog. *laughs* I would focus on him and the time I would get in between.. I don't do

it..But at that time I would pull him close and everything, because he was the only family

member that I can touch. Well, from my mobile, I can't access all those apps, sites.. Even while

using Google in the news section, the stats and all would be there. So I was afraid to use those

things. So at that time actually focused on audio books and reading stuff and all that. It was

difficult, otherwise I read a lot but at that time it was difficult. Because I would realize at that

time that even though consciously I am not feeling that I am having a lot of problems and I

should get some relief or something. But at the same time focusing on things was getting

difficult. I guess the only time that I got for myself that could be said to be sort of leisure time

was my dog's walks. The times I used to take him for a walk, and I would also play with other

stray dogs. Those were the only 2 times in the day when I could be myself.

B: So did you feel this situation was affecting your studies in any way?

A: So our classes were not happening at that time.

B: But did you feel you were lagging behind or missing out on other aspects of your life due to

your responsibilities?

A: Not really. Because I didn't talk to anyone in those days. Before that, I was talking to my

friends and everything. But ya about studies, it was even started during that time.

B: But you were not able to read your books as you mentioned earlier?

A: Yes exactly, it was hard to concentrate on anything that I was reading at that time.

B: So particularly did you feel you were missing out on anything?

 55

A: So like, talking to people and anything. I chose myself that "I don't want to do it." because I

had to explain the same thing multiple times to multiple no. of people. I am getting out of the

situation, I am okay with it. But at the same time, I don't want to repeat it again and again.

B: Was it difficult to stay away from social media, did you feel the urge to open it at any

time?

A: No man! I am not that active on social media. So it didn't affect me that way. I went to insta, I

made my account only because I wanted to see memes. And after some time, memes started

getting boring and everything. Because they started repeating themselves, so I was like "Just get

rid of it."

B: So I saw a really interesting meme, One that said something like "Do you like someone with

personality? Because I have many. "

A: Yes I remember.. I really like the memes where someone writes funny stuff over an old art or

painting.

B: So did you have any difficulty accessing resources? Like, you told earlier about the

medicine.

A: Ya, I got them. But it is that particular time during the night, when I had to continuously, I

mean I was not able to sleep. And I will wake up time and again. " I have to get back to my

father and ask him "Are you having the problems now also?" Because till that time, the oximeter

didn't arrive. Even when I would wake up to go to the toilet, I would just make sure that I Ask

him once "If he is okay. and at that time if someone asks me for water, I give them and sleep.

And so one whole night was spent like that. The next day, it came very late. So, the anticipation

time was really hard. Then the thermas thing. That is the thing na, "You don't think na that you'll

want something so bad, something so small, something so trivial." And at that time I could
 56

actually relate to it, "kitna zyaada unko prob aa raha hai." and then the utensils that my parents

were using, after washing I would put them with other utensils. My mother would tell me to do

the same thing. So in between we also started using disposables. So that I don't have to wash

them again and again. Some specific things, like bowls or glass that they would need again and

again, those were with them. But other things like the tea cup which they were using multiple

times during the day, and for them to dry up, I can't give it to them. But when the disposables

were all used up, then I went during the covid to the market and everything, and it was so scary

the whole thing. It was so deserted and everything. So it just felt like a ghost town from a zombie

movie. It was like that. Then I would go inside, taking the precautions and everything, but it was

v difficult at that time.

Sometimes, I would think "Why did I not get my driving license?" So, I always took it for

granted na. Ki if I needed to go somewhere, I'll tell my father and he would take me." But at that

time you realize there should be someone else also so who has a driving license. So if something

is needed, they can go and everything.

My mother even scolded me. "We knew you went. Why did you go?" "Because I knew you

wouldn't agree." because I knew that after some time they would stop asking me for hot water.

"We would drink cold water. It doesn't matter." But I knew that they needed it. They needed

something like this. So it was of course important. I also realized one thing that if she scolds me

usually I talk back and everything. But at that time when she would scold me, its okay "You are

sick. Scold me. You are having entertainment in this only." *laughs

B: They might be also feeling bad that you have to do so much. So they might be trying to

compensate in a way like "No worries, we'll manage."

 57

A: Yess, true true.. But you know I really felt bad about that "wohi ki hum dono hi tarah see piss

rahe the". They were thinking this thing and I was thinking "See how sick you are, at least rest

now na. "Like let me do it.

B: From this experience, have you got any insights, or discovered something new about

yourself?

A: I can also work under pressure. *chuckles* so I always thought, even when this whole thing

started I had these narratives; I read about these narratives that how people were suffering, how

people were actually working. And I didn't think that we are going to survive. I thought that if

something like this happens, I will be the first one to break apart. But I used to think that this is

something only emotionally strong people can do. And not someone like this. I won't be able to

manage it, I'll just break up totally. You know, break into pieces. Because I won't be able to

handle myself. And we will be too confused ki “Oh my God! Something like this has happened

to our family and I cannot do anything. “But at that time I didn't have the choice to even think

something like that in that direction and I really loved it that I forced myself to think positive. I

didn't even for once think you know, even though people were going to the hospitals, and they

are not even getting the beds, even if they are not getting the oxygen cylinders and everything.

So I just didn't think in that way. I just thought you know, my parents, I would say to myself

something like this "My brother is here. He will not suffer. Mom and dad already had a dose of

vaccine. So nothing will happen. “We will handle it. " I used to affirm myself completely,

continuously and even when my father’s oxygen level dropped down and everything. Even at

that time I was like ki "These things happen, that you read in the newspapers and all. But I am

immune to it. I will get it. I will get everything. I will do everything." So I was just like, you

know in normal circumstances I will think a lot like I allow myself to you know fall apart. I
 58

allow myself to think in a negative way. But for this particular situation, when the pressure was

there and everything. I knew if I do that, it won't help anybody. I have no choice, and I have to

be there in this moment. And I didn't allow myself to think negative, "I have to have to think

positively during this time." Like I never thought about this experience before this, but its just

like. That particular period of my life ..I completely dissociated myself with it. Even after they

got better, I wouldn't talk about it. My mother would talk to my relatives and everything, and she

would say "Anku has done everything." And I would feel like..I would think at that particular

time the person who is working, who is taking care and everything, it was not me. Because the

way that person behaved, those are not my characteristics. I don't behave that way. Because

otherwise, even for a minor inconvenience, I would cry a lot. At that time, I was chill and doing

shit.

B: during these times only, resilience emerges.

A: Ya, exactly. I could actually understand the thing that you don't know how strong you are

until the situation comes. At that time only, I could understand that thing.

B: So did this event affect your self-esteem? How you think about yourself now?

A: No...*laughs* I told na, ki that particular person, it was somebody else only. It wasn't me. i

am still that person who has a low self-esteem, and everything.

B: Like that was a different personality, and now you are back to yourself?

A: In normal circumstances. But yeah, at least I understand this thing that if something like this

happens, if something so serious again happens in my family and everything, at least I won't fall

apart. Like I would be able to do it.

B: Has this experience shifted your perspective towards life in any way? Do you see any

change in your aims and aspirations, and what you value now?
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A: I started thinking. So this was the time after which I shaved off my hair. And I was like they

were all right and everything, I was thinking about that. After that finally, when they got all right

and I was finally assured that nothing will happen no, then I started reading stories, the stats and

the things, and the experiences, the videos and all that. And I was like "Life is too short man."

Maybe today my immune system worked..Maybe next time it won't. I always wanted to be a bald

person, so I want to do it now. And that's why I did it.

Other than that, I thought. I just thought. I didn't think ki I'll work upon it. you know..If I had a

job, maybe my father wouldn't be taking so much tension or something like that. But then I know

my father. Even then, he would have overthought. It was just a passing thought.

B: So it didn't affect your aims and aspirations?

A: I don't know exactly. I mean I am doing something that I really wanted to do. That I am

enjoying. So So I just wanted time to go faster. "Taki jo final cheez hai na, like I just wanted that

my masters complete ho jaye do teen din ke andar, mere mphil complete ho jaye..And I am

having a job or something like that. So its about the time. I am still doing the things. But apart

from that, I was lazy. I didn't do household chores and all.

So after that I started doing that stuff. But my mother was like "Mujhe tujhpe bohot daya aa rahi

hai. Humara itna khayal rakha hai.(I am feeling pity on you, how much have you taken care of

us). So she was like. No don't do anything." and she started doing the work and everything. But

yes, after this particular time, I realized how homemaker, how much she gets tired. How tolling

the work is, especially if she has to take of 3 other human. And I remember that my mother used

to scold my brother that "to give you the plate I have to come to your room. Why can’t you just

go to the kitchen and take your plate and everything." This time I actually realized how

frustrating that can be when you know, you are making chapattis and so much heat. And you
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just. "I can't even ask for her help na from someone else." I just have to do it for myself. I would

totally understand when I would see my mother after making a big meal. She would skip eating.

She would just like sit and rest. So i was always confused "Mummy, you made such great meal,

why aren't you tasting it. Why aren't you eating? So I came to understand that the person gets so

much tired that you don't have the energy left to eat.

B: True. You also have the apprehension na if you make a meal like "how it will taste."

A: No, I didn't have that feeling though. I just felt like "You are so much tired tat. You feel like

you have done so much work, but at the same time you haven't done anything. So you feel like

you don't deserve it. Like its okay you are thinking ki I have done something so great. But at the

same time, I did what my mother does every day! So it’s nothing new right? Like I actually get

my mother's perspective after this, a lot better.

B: So has this experience changed how your family members look at you now?

A: I think so. I think so. Like I hope so. I really hope that they do. Ya actually my father would

say ki "I never thought you know that you could partake this, or work under so much pressure.

though one day I saw that you were doing it, next day I was actually thinking that your mother

has to do the work, because we didn't trust you with this so much" But after that they think “no

matter how goofy she is she can take things into her hand, and if it comes to a serious thing, she

can do it." Its just my thinking. I really wish that they are thinking the same. *Laughs* I wish "its

their thinking as well" Yes, one thing my father definitely told "I didn't believe that you will be

able to do it" They had no confidence at all that I will do it.

B: So did this experience change how you think about death?

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A: Like I said, if it’s not happening to me directly, it’s just not happening. I did not even feel that

something like this is occurring, so even if I read things about people in the news or something "I

don't know them personally. So I don't even feel that something like this is happening. "

B: So, you don't think about death at all?

A: No No. Even while taking care of them at that time, I didn't allow myself to think negatively.

So I never thought in that extreme.

Like if I would have known somebody and that person would have perished, I would have

actually thought something like this. But Thank God! Nothing like that has happened till now.

My father was really sad for many days because many of his friends passed away. One of his

friends, he committed suicide. But I would say to give some sympathy I would say ki "Its okay."

It’s not okay of course. I would say ki. I don't know how to control him about something like

this. But ya, I didn't think about death at that moment. Because these are like the closest people

in my life. These are the people, you know even the possibility of leading to something like that,

I don't even think about it. I don't want to think about it. So I don't think about it.

B: So did this experience change your perception about the seriousness of covid from

before?

A: Ya, it did it did. Before it was something that was happening in the world. And I used to

think, "Why are people not taking precautions?" But now I saw that my parents were vaccinated,

my father was taking precautions and everything. Still he got infected. And we don't know. Like

we saw the symptoms. But maybe before that only he got infected. We don't know about that.

Like I think because they had one dosage of vaccine, there body was able to fight with it. I don't

know. I used to think if they had not taken it, what would have happened?"
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B: So now do you reflect back on that experience? And what emotions do you feel when you

think about it?

A: I think this is the very first time that I am thinking about it. I really distanced myself from

that whole situation. I didn't think of that. But at the same time I knew that it can push them to

that particular thing. So I think I was really strong. That I was not that selfish, not my usual

selfish self. I think I was really active. I was much much patient than I am really now, in normal

circumstances. Like my brother. To do his work, I really had problem. But at that time, no matter

what time he was asking for water. I will just completely run into it. You know. That’s why I say

ki I acted so out of character that I think that person was completely someone else only.

B: So what kind of measures do you think can be taken to prepare people psychologically

for this type of experiences?

A: Personally, I think when they are facing the thing at that time, especially, the caretaker. She

has to be strong. So in my case also, I wasn't giving myself the time, or the luxury of thinking

that "My mental state is not alright to take responsibility." Even when I was not able to

concentrate on something that I was reading I was not thinking about it twice. I was thinking

"Let it be. I have work left to do." So I was not giving myself that much time. But yes, after, like

the person has come out of it. After that, there is some sort of psychological evaluation, or

bridging the gap between the person that you were during that time and the person you are right

now. So that would be really helpful.

B: It was really a great experience interviewing you. Thank you so much for your time.