Desire

DESIRE
INTRODUCTION
THE SYSTEM IN ACTION
THE SCIENCE OF ATTRACTION
THE APPROACH
CONNECTION

HUMOR & VULNERABILITY

JASON CAPITAL

SEXUALITY

ON NEEDINESS

ON SELF-ESTEEM

ALL MATERIAL © THE SOCIAL MAN. ANY UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION IS IN

VIOLATION OF COPYRIGHTS, AND WILL LEAD TO FIVE YEARS OF BAD SEX

THE DESIRE SYSTEM INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1 - INTRODUCTION
I'm David Tian, as you know. The goal of the course today is to have a great sex
life. At the time I discovered it, it was pretty new but now this is incontrovertible
that there is a science basis to it. In fact, once you realize and understand the
science behind it, it could become an unconscious thing.
I've studied many different fields and I've studied at universities pretty much all
my life. Once I finished school, I continued to stay in school as a professor. The
kind of person who would like to live a life like that, is usually some one who likes
to be alone or is comfortable with solitude because you spend a lot of time in
libraries researching. That was me.
I was the introvert. I was really stereotypical nice guy. I followed all the rules.
My parents told me to get good grades in school and things would go well. So I
did that. They took me to church every Sunday and I followed all the rules to the
point where right on schedule I got married at the age that I thought we should
get married at the quarter-‐century mark. Also to have guilt free sex as a Christian.
That was a horrible reason to get married. It really was not fault of hers, but it
didn't work out.
I was left single and only and not having any idea of what to do now in meeting a
new girl. I stumbled upon this research, not just in a scientific journal where I did
find first mention of it. I thought, "hey, let me try this out because if this is true
than the implications for it in my dating life would be huge." It's just starting out.


I started out with the top dating coaches all around the world but none of them
are really using this to their advantage.
I was living, at that time, in a country where I didn't really speak the language that
well. I couldn't use a lot of the verbal, I couldn't do the openers or routines or any
of that stuff and back then that was what it was all about. I couldn't do that.
Then I thought, "I'm going to use this magnetism which is based on pure
psychology, transferring emotions."
Because I can't use the words anyway. Let's see how it goes, it was amazing. It
was pretty much how I managed to hook up with girls that don't speak the
language that I speak. This was a common occurrence for me because I was
traveling so much kind of for my work and just for fun.
I then read a book by Robert Green called the Art of Seduction. Some of you
might have seen it. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. It starts off with
these character sketches and one of them is on the rake. When I read it I was like,
"Damn, that's exactly what I've been doing." It was just being forthright about
the desire. It was, I desire you, I'm being honest, and here it is.
You understand the character of the Rake it will make it a lot easier when you
want to use the mechanism. You have to adopt the character because once you
start using this tool, this mechanism, this system, you'll find yourself becoming a
certain type of person. Often, that's a good thing. You need to know what you're
becoming so you can welcome it, you don't resist it.


I'm just going to pull out from Robert Green's book a really great description of
the Rake, okay? When he desires a woman, the Rake desires a woman, brief
though that moment may be. He will go to the ends of the earth for her. His
greatest weakness is his overwhelming love of women. Paradoxically, that's also
his greatest strength. When he pursues a woman he really is aglow with desire.
The victim, that's a rather unfortunate choice of words, senses this that he is
inflamed even just by herself.
There are different types of Rakes in here too. The Ardent Rake teaches us a
simple lesson. Intense desire has distracting power on women just as the Siren's
physical presence does on men. The more Advanced Rake, he is to show no
hesitation to abandon all restraints, to let himself go to show that you cannot
control yourself.
It's actually really hard to fake this because what we're basically trying to do is
unleash the desire that you already feel. This doesn't work very well with women
you're not attracted to, understand this? So unless you're a really good actor, it's
just not going to work because it's fake and they'll feel it. But what's great about
is there is no subterfuge. There is no lying. There is no deception. There is no
manipulation. Because for this to work, you actually have to feel and that would
mean that you actually think the thoughts that go along with it.

Today, you're going to learn how to harness the ancient power of the Rake for
yourself. It's a powerful system for making women feel how you feel. We'll show
you how to tune into your feelings in an attractive way that women love. Then


we'll give you the techniques to get you from, "hello" to her feeling like, "wow,
that was amazing." Finally, we'll give you the easy answer to making women
want you. So now we will introduce you to the actual system. What I call
emotional activation system.

THE DESIRE SYSTEM THE SYSTEM IN ACTION

CHAPTER 2 – THE SYSTEM IN ACTION
We're going to start with the Emotional Activation System. Let me jump right in
and give you a taste of it. Then, we'll back out and show you the bigger picture,
and show you how to use it. A lot of guys try to do this verbally. That is, they try
to convince the girl, through words, that he's the right guy for her, trying to
persuade her through words. This is a big mistake, because attraction is an
emotion. It doesn't happen through decision making. It doesn't happen in the
prefrontal cortex, for instance. So, you're not going to say, "Because she has
these things, therefore I think she's hot."
You just think, wow, she's hot. Then you think, I wonder why? You could try to
give yourself arguments, "Oh, she's got this. She's got that."
OK, maybe then I'll feel sexually attracted to her, and it doesn't work. Just like it
doesn't work for women, when you try to persuade them. Because attraction is
emotion, you can't talk a girl into liking you. If you want her to get hot for you, it's
pure emotion. You might have heard that word, somatic. You might have heard
me say it before on some of my videos, or articles that the words don't matter.
The work is being done through your emotional transference, OK? I'm going to
demonstrate this first, and then we'll get into the mechanics of how it works.
Last week, I was in Australia, and I went scuba diving. Oh man, they have some
really great coral reefs there. When I went in, it was pretty amazing, being
surrounded by water and seeing the fish swim by. They were all different colors,


like yellow, blue, green, orange, and red, being surrounded by all of that. Having
the coral move, undulating in and out, it's pretty amazing.
That was some very suggestive language there. Now, I'm going to do the sexual
state transfer. Notice, you won't even be able to tell the difference from the few
meters away that the counter is. That's how incognito you can be, and that's why
it's so useful. People want to be able to tell what you're doing. Even if she's right
in front of you, she won't be able to tell what you're doing.
So, what just happened? That was the Emotional Activation System, and you
couldn't really see what was going on, it looked just like a natural conversation.
There's a little bit of sexual innuendo in there, but it was about scuba diving and
working out on the beach. I chose those words, because they're sensual, in the
sense of, it's about adjectives to describe a sensory perception, so that helps. The
words do matter, just a little bit.
You could really talk about anything, like I said, you could be ordering at
McDonald's. I used to practice this over the phone with travel agents. It could
happen, just through any words that you use. The words that you use should not
be overtly sexual, or it will alert her to what's happening. Basically, you're buying
yourself enough time, by engaging and distracting her prefrontal cortex, her
logical mind, with thinking about the conversation, which is perfectly friendly and
platonic and innocuous.
In the meantime, you're transferring an emotion. Usually by the time they realize
what's happening, if they're accepting the conversation, then the mirror neurons,
which I'll explain to you in a little bit, are receiving that and are already engaged.


That was the key. It was not focusing so much on what you're actually saying, but
just focusing on how you feel. One of the reasons why it took so long for modern
people to discover this, is because most modern people suck at controlling their
emotions. They don't think too much about, how do I change the way I feel?
They think that the way to change how they feel, is to go make more money. My
life would be better if I just made more money. So, they spend all this time
making money, while they're miserable. They've lost that thousand year tradition
of things like meditation, controlling the mind and the mindflow, the stoic
philosophies.
I was constantly thinking about these things, how to control your thoughts, to
control your emotions and how you feel. Once you can control how you feel,
then it's just a matter of distracting her from ... Allowing the mirror neurons to
take hold. Let me tell you, in a very condensed form, how this system works. It's
very simple, just a few steps.
The first step is, that you call up the appropriate emotion. Then, you start to fell
it, so you need to amplify it, horny, horny, horny, get hornier. Then, you distract
her conscious mind, while you're engaging her emotions unconsciously. It will
stop, if she runs away or turns away. Basically, you're just buying yourself enough
time for the mirror neurons to fire.
That's the next step. You continue until her mirror neurons are active. This can
happen as quickly as 10 seconds, sometimes 30 seconds. It happens very quickly.
If you do it right, she'll want to make a move on you, if this is sexual arousal that


you're giving. If she accepts it, then it's inevitable, just because of the way the
brain is structured. Then, you just enjoy.
The last step is enjoy the passion. That's the EAS, the Emotional Activation
System, condensed. OK, working with emotions is really what is the key to
making this work. Most men can't control their emotions and they refuse to
focus on the emotions, because it's thought of as feminine or something like that.
It's not a masculine thing. We shouldn't feel anything, we're just tough guys.
Being ignorant of your emotional life, is preventing you from living the life of a
rake, which is what all the citizens throughout history were doing. They were
engaging the emotions.
Feeling intensely is a common characteristic of charismatic individuals. In order
to be charismatic, you need to engage people, and often, you need to then feel
strongly. This is probably the most commonly seen trait in all of the rakes, that
they fell in love very fast and it was intense. It was also often the case that they,
once the conquest was done, they fell in love with another girl. That's not a
necessary part of it. It's feeling intensely.
The seducers in history did not approach interacting with women as a math
puzzle or a chess game, in the sense of, they weren't calculating moment by
moment. Instead, they just felt this desire intensely and ran with it. You will
draw others to you, in an almost effortless way, because you will be transferring
your good feelings to them. That's often how charisma happens. They're feeling
confident, and they transfer this feeling of confidence to other people, and they
like that, they want more of it.


One of the first things you need to do is, identify when you're feeling intense
emotions, and then practice amplifying those emotions. Fell them and then
amplify them. The question is how, how do you amplify emotions? This is where
Buddhists can really help us out, because they're very focused on, in meditation,
on how your mind is moving, but also the bodily movements.
Do I feel it in my gut? Is it in my stomach? Is it in my chest? Is it more where my
lungs are, up here higher up? Do I feel tension in my wrist area, in my forearm?
Locate physically where you feel the emotion, because the emotion will have a
biochemical component to it, and you need to lock into that physically and
mentally.
What were the thoughts that led to this emotion, and what were the physical
movements that you were engaging in that led to this emotion. This is a very
trivial example, if you feel angry when you get hit in the face, but you don't
realize, "Why do I feel angry?"
Maybe it's because you got hit in the face. If you want to feel angry again, you
could just hit yourself in the face. This is an easy way to do it. If you want to feel
confident, and you notice, when I feel confident I stand up straight. Here's the
key, you can just stand up straight, and that will help trigger that emotion.
You can see that there are certain anchors and triggers that will create the
emotional effect. If you want to make those anchors and triggers stronger, the
next time you feel that emotion, lock into that physical manifestation. Take into
account all of the contexts, what you're touching, what you’re hearing, what you
smell, if you're tasting anything, and of course, what you're thinking.


Practice amplifying. You could practice, basically, recreating the feeling by
recreating the experience. You can use visualizations. You can use the anchors,
like music, certain smells and fragrances. Try to do this on a daily basis. Once you
decide, OK, I want to feel this emotion more, then figure out how naturally get
into that emotion.
For instance, when you get vitamin D into your system, usually you'll be exposed
to sunlight. You might find that being exposed to sunlight makes you happier.
One easy way, if you're feeling depressed, is get out of bed and get in the sun.
That's a trivial way of doing it, but for that feeling, if that works, then you should
do that more and more. If you do this on a daily basis, then that sunlight trigger
will become very effective, because it will get anchored to that the more you do
it.
When you are trying to get horny, I don't this is very difficult. Maybe you're older.
I had a buddy who did this rake style and he was older at that time, and he was
worried that he couldn't call up the emotion when he wanted. So, on his phone,
he just had some porn. Not video, but ... He'll go into the club, and he goes to the
bathroom and starts looking at porn. He's looking at naked pictures. He's like,
"I'm turned on, I'm turned on." Then, he goes back out.
I used to make fun of him for it, but I saw it actually worked for him. This is a fun
skill to develop, being able to turn yourself on, when you want. It's great, it's
easy, just practice that. Some of you guys may not need to practice, you may
have an excess of this.


On the next slide, I've got a list of positive emotions that you should practice
amplifying, because unless you want a purely sexual relationship, which would be
one dimensional and would not last, you need to have other emotions. A healthy
relationship should have other positive emotions. Focus on the positive emotions
and figure out how to amplify those, by seeing the triggers and the mental
pathways that led to that feeling.
Here's some examples. You want to practice, not just feeling arousal, but
curiosity. This is going to come in handy. The next time you feel curious ... There
are a lot of guys who aren't curious about other countries, other societies, history,
or things that basically they don't know, there not that curious about things they
don't know.
This is bad, because when you meet a woman, there's a lot of things about her
you don't know. If you just want to use her for sex, this is going to be more
difficult for you, because you can't create a connection. A connection is based on
her feeling that you're sincerely curious about her. The next time you feel
curiosity, step back and think, where is that, how does that feel. The more you
practice getting that feeling, the easier it will be to call on it.
As a university professor, I see this all the time, as a teacher, when people ...
They're not always inquisitive. You might think this is trivial, but it really is
something you can cultivate. Passion is another one. If you're not living your
passions, if you're at a dead end job, it's going to be hard for you to call on
passion, because you probably come back tired from your 9 to 5 job, and you just
want to sleep, or something like that.


It's going to be hard for you to call on that passion, for her to feel intensely the
way you feel. Ideally, you can spend all of your day doing your passions. Pursuing
your passions, getting hobbies, getting things that you really love to do, and doing
more of those, and enjoying that time, is really attractive, not just from the
perspective of being able to use it as part of the Emotional Activation System, but
also because it is just inherently attractive.
Other emotions, let me just list these out for you. Excitement, confidence is very
important, confidence, knowing what makes you feel confident, taken back to a
time when you were confident, so you can call on that feeling when you want.
This is crazy, right. I'm actually telling you, you have the power to feel confident,
whenever you fucking want.
If you want to feel energetic, right now I'm very jet lagged, but if I can call on the
feeling energy, for instance, just doing a little jump, a little hop. That is an anchor
for me, to get confident, to get energetic. Happiness and joy. The more of this
you have in life, the more attractive as a person you'll be, because the more that
you'll be transferring these emotions to other people, and people like it when you
give them good feelings.
Just a quick recap, then. Attraction is an emotion. It is not a rational decision that
is arrived at through a series of judgments. It is an emotion. Emotion is based on
certain thoughts, and those thoughts are attached to these feeling, alright?
We did a quick demonstration of it, how under the radar it is, and how relatively
easy it is to do. I gave you a condensed version of the Emotional Activation
System, so you know what's coming up, you have the basic framework for it.


Coming up next is, explaining to you why it works and the science of it, and this is
really important, I'm not just being a geek about this, because I think if you
understand the principle of why it works, then you can make it your own.
To copy what I do, exactly, may not work for you, because you're not me. I
noticed that's what the other guys I was studying, who were rakes, they all had a
different way of doing it, like one of them was looking at porn on his phone in the
bathroom. That worked for him, and that was something that was interesting and
made sense.
But, because he understood the principle that, I have to be horny, I'm not feeling
horny. So, he's going to go and make himself feel horny, because if you have this
dead expression in your eyes, and you’re talking to this girl, you're trying to
sexually arouse her, but really what you want to do is just sleep, because you're
really tired because you worked all day.

It's not going to work, it's not going to transfer. He knew that, because he worked
really hard on Friday night, he worked all the way to 8, 9pm, from the office, went
straight to the club. Dude, go home, take a nap, take a shower, come out. He
was so tired. He was taking Red Bull after Red Bull. Then, he had to resort to
looking at porn to get himself turned on. What works for you, works for you. It's
because he understood the principles behind it, so we're going to get into the
principles of why it works.

THE DESIRE SYSTEM THE SCIENCE OF ATTRACTION

CHAPTER 3: THE SCIENCE OF ATTRACTION
The science of attraction; there are 3 main scientific concepts that you need to
understand, to see why this works. Actually, once you understand these 3, it’ll
seem very simple.
We already know that attraction is intuitive, and is largely made up of non-‐verbal
content. It’s like 55 … From the original study, 55 percent of it was accounted for
by body language variations. Body language … 38 percent was the sound of a
voice … vocal tonality. Right there, we’re at 93 percent. The last 7 percent of the
variation in liking had to do with tracking the variation in the words.
It’s really about body language and the sound of your voice. Even deeper, it’s
what causes the body language and the sound of your voice. These are your
thoughts, and how you feel; your thoughts, and how you feel. We’re getting right
to the root of it; the thoughts, and how you feel.
When people detect your body language and tonality to be attractive, that comes
from rapid, unconscious cognitions. These are split-‐second judgments. You might
have heard, first impressions are really important, and this is why. As soon as
they see you, within 3 seconds, 5 seconds, 10 seconds maybe, tops, the woman
already has decided, in her unconscious mind, whether she likes you or not.
Sometimes, when you come in as a friend, you can buy yourself some time. She
hasn’t been considering you that way, and so you can kind of grow on her. In


most cases … in almost all cases … she already has made a determination about
you. Attraction is fast.
The reason for this is because we make these decisions unconsciously, based on
split-‐second judgments. We only have access, consciously, to less than 10 percent
of our mental processes. What’s actually going on in our minds to make us decide
unconsciously whether we are sexually attracted to somebody … That’s just
happening. It’s not a choice.
For instance, you might have heard of Malcolm Gladwell’s book, or you might
have read it, the book called “Blink” … Malcolm Gladwell’s book, “Blink”. In it, he
describes this phenomenon of thin-‐slicing. The tennis coach Vic Brady was able to
predict double faults within 95 percent of accuracy, just by watching the
beginning of a tape, when the guy’s throwing the ball up, and they pause it before
the serve is actually done. It’s like, “OK, this is a double fault.”
He’s able to do that within 95 percent accuracy, and he didn’t know why. He had
no idea. They asked him, “How did you … What is the mechanics? What are you
looking at?” He’s like, “I don’t know.”
The academic research shows, we really don’t know why we make most of our
judgments. What we’ll do is, we’ll make a judgment. We’ll decide whether we
like something or not, and then our pre-‐frontal cortex will kick in and rationalize
why we like it. “I like it because of this color,” or because of whatever reason.
In fact, we can manipulate on the back end, so that you actually change it, but
they don’t understand why you’ve now changed your preferences. We don’t


understand why; we just continue to come up with new reasons, or new
rationalizations. The scientists in the back end are like, “I just manipulated this
one condition. You have no idea what this was, and I made you change your
mind, and you have no idea why.” You think you do; you think you know why.
This is also why you shouldn’t listen to people when they tell you why they like
you, or why they don’t like you. Girls don’t know why they’re sexually attracted
to guys. Maybe guys kind of might know why they’re sexually attracted to a girl.
Studies have shown, guys comp down to a lot less, and the explanation there is
because their penises are on the outside, so we can’t hide when we’re aroused.
That’s the truth to a lot of evolutionary history.
Women don’t know; they have to be like, “Am I wet right now?” There are plenty
of times when a girl would say, “I hate you,” but then actually that’s just a strong
emotional reaction. She’s really into you. Girls, and people, don’t really know
why they’re attracted. They just feel it. If they’re forced to come up with
reasons, because a scientist goes up to them and asks them why, then they’ll just
come up with whatever rationalizations.
Your brain is not that fast. Your conscious control is not that fast. All of that’s
being taken care of in the unconscious. Trying to micro-‐manage it; “I’m going to
… On the outside, from the outside in, I’m just going to act really confident, and
she will think I’m confident.” Meanwhile you’re like fucking needy as shit, right?
“I’m going to be confident.” Guess what? It’s not going to work. She’s going to
pick up on it like, “This guy’s being fake. There’s something wrong with him.”
She’s going to back away. She’s going to feel it.


Your mental and emotional states will be driving the body language and your
voice. The part of sub-‐communications is that there are, on our face, tons of …
Something like 90 different expressions … Facial action units … That scientists are
able to determine how you feel, based on the configuration of your face; what
you’re doing, you’re twitching or smiling this way or that way.
Whatever emotion we are experiencing is automatically expressed by the muscles
in the face, and of course in the body. Most of this … The facial action units are
obviously on the face.
It’s an emotional feedback loop. What Ekman and Friesen found was that if they
made the face of that emotion, even though they didn’t feel that emotion before
they made the face, when they started to contort their face into that facial action
unit, they started to feel that way.
If it was distraught or something, they’re like, “Let’s try this,” and then they
started to feel, “Oh my god, I feel weird, I feel distraught.” We’ll see that there’s
a feedback loop.
However, that’s the outside in, where you’re trying to control the body, to control
how you feel. With large movements, this can work. If you stand up straight, if
you smile, you’re going to feel better. However, the facial action units are very
difficult to control. What we’re really after now is, when you feel an emotion that
is negative, let’s say neediness or desperation or loneliness, and you’re trying to
hide it, it is almost impossible to control the various muscles in the face. That
emotion will take over.


People who aren’t trained in this, and that’s most of the world, can’t tell you why
they feel that coming from you. They just feel, “Uggh,” or “He doesn’t like me.
There’s something off. He’s not confident.” The point is, it’s useless to try to
control the outward expression. Focus instead on the inward expression.
The last piece of science, is the science of mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are
neurons in the brain, and they’re all located in the older parts of the brain; the
brain stem, the amygdala, the fight-‐or-‐flight response … areas that we share in
common with less evolved animals.
The mirror neurons are located in these primitive parts of the brain, and they get
a vibe, and she feels the vibe coming from … In her primitive part of her brain,
based on how you feel, and it’s totally unconscious. Nervous mannerisms and
twitches, the resigned slouch of defeat, the sensuality of a sexy smile … These are
how the mirror neurons are working. They’re picking up these different
manifestations.
They bypass the brain’s verbal processing areas. That’s why we want to distract
this part of the brain, and just give this time to hit the brain stem area. I read that
and like, “But if this is true, what can we … This should work in the club.” Lo and
behold, it does. Basically, you’re just letting our evolved brains do the magic for
you, and it happens, like I said, in a matter of seconds.
The question is, what do you feel now? You can feel her fear. We need to be able
to tell whether the person or the being approaching is, is friend or foe. That’s one
of the reasons why mirror neurons are so useful, because if you lack that,


probably you got killed and you did not pass down your genes. This is an evolved
mechanism; you see how useful it is.
The amygdala, or the older parts of the brain, especially with fear, when you saw
that photo; you could immediately feel the fear, and it’s because this is a very
strong emotion. It’s a primitive emotion. It’s one of the 7 basic emotions, and it
happens in the fight-‐or-‐flight, the amygdala part of your brain.
The amygdala instantly reacts to the photo. The stronger the emotion displayed,
the more intensely the amygdala will react. If you know why that woman is
expressing fear, based on her facial action units, you can say, “I see that FAU 9 is
being contracted. I see this and that, therefore, she must be feeling fear.”
You could do that, but that’s not how our brains work. We don’t know why we
feel it, we just do. This is the same for all intense emotions, especially the basic
emotions, like fear. Another one is sexual arousal. The fear is being transferred,
and it’s actually … You can see it happening in the brain.
Mirror neurons ensure that the moment someone sees an emotion expressed on
your face, they will at once feel the same thing in themselves. How do you apply
the science? By generating the desired state in yourself, you can induce the
desired state in others. We have this ability to process all this information in our
unconscious. It’s an evolved thing.
That’s how it’s working, but we have no idea how it’s working. We have no
control over it. We just start to feel these things. Now we can take advantage of


it. Instead of trying to manipulate your micro-‐expressions, instead manipulate
your feelings. It’s much easier, and it’s much simpler.
I want to change from feeling nervous to feeling confident, instead of, “I have to
move this part of my face, and this part,” and trying to do it all at the same time.
Instead, just focus on the emotion.
The biggest problem of the guys who aren’t getting success in dating with women,
is that they feel the wrong emotions, and they’re transferring the wrong emotions
to her. You’re on a date; think about the last time a date did not go well, or the
last time you approached a girl and it did not go well. What were you feeling?
Were you feeling a little nervous? Maybe a lot nervous? Were you feeling kind of
down on yourself, a little depressed, and you were hoping she will end your
loneliness? Were you feeling sexual too fast; kind of desperate horniness, or
something along those lines, where it’s the wrong emotion, and you’re
transferring the wrong emotion to her.
She doesn’t know why, but she’s just turned off. The good news is, even though
micro-‐managing your self-‐communications is impossible, you can manage your
emotional states. People throughout history have been doing this, for thousands
of years. You can manage your emotional states, and then transfer them to
others using your emotional activation system. That’s the good news.
To recap this section, attraction happens unconsciously. Micro-‐expressions are

unconscious reflections of our feelings and our vibes. You can’t fake the feeling or


the vibe, and to be attractive, you must feel things around her that are attractive
to her, and then basically just get her feeling them, too.

THE DESIRE SYSTEM THE APPROACH

CHAPTER 4: THE APPROACH
Approach an authority. This is where we're basically going to take you from
opening, how to start a conversation, and using emotional activations to three
steps, all the way down to the physical escalation, to getting a kiss, or for her to
get the kiss from you.
The three steps to making her attracted. These are always going to be about
emotions. You have to understand, basically it's just the emotions ... You should
think of it in terms of what emotions you're trying to transfer.
Step one, the emotions are ... The overriding emotion is enjoyment. Write down
enjoyment. These include excitement, fun, silliness. The kind of positive
nervousness ... It's okay to feel nervous, because you appreciate her, you like it.
Just a little bit sexual. It's not going to be totally platonic, unless you choose it to,
in which case you probably won't be using this.
Then step two is where you're moving into appreciation as the overriding
emotion. Appreciation, wonder, and it can be a bit more sexual. You can turn it up
a little bit. Appreciation, and wonder.
Step three is arousal. Savoring the sexual tension, and calibrating that with trying
to hold yourself back, restraint, striving to restrain yourself. You have this great
desire, sexual and physical arousal, but you're holding back.


Your whole relationship, all the way till you die, is going to be a combination of
these three. That's pretty much it in terms of a romantic relationship. You just
cycle through these different feelings.
You can think of it, when you first meet her, as going through three steps. Those
are the three. The first step I just call enjoyment. That will be the dominant
emotion. Again, along the same lines, fun, amusement, contentment, and
pleasure. These should all be step one emotions.
Now, as far as you can, you should try to control the outside in. Like we said, you
can't micromanage sub-‐communications, but as far as your body language and
your tonality, you should be maximizing and optimizing that as far as you can. This
is what I just think of in terms of controlling your biochemistry, because the way
your body is will affect obviously how you feel. You want to do as much as you
can in that area.
For instance, basic advice, smile, stand straight, breathe deeply, move smoothly,
look into her eyes, get enough sleep, so you're energetic, and get some rest. Then
you can call up those emotions when you want. I'm going to be breaking that
down as we go forward.
Also, more importantly of the long term, you want to maximize happiness in your
life, maximize happiness in your life. If you're unhappy, but you try to feel horny,
this is very bad. It's a very bad combination to be transferring to people. It all
starts with this foundation of happiness or contentment. You need to be content
with where you are in life, with where you're headed. That you're on the right
track. You're making progress on schedule.


You might have noticed that when you don't like your life, and you try to meet
women, it doesn't go well usually. If you hate your job, if you hate what you do
during the day, and then you're like, "I'm living for the three hours on Friday," and
you go out there then, you probably aren't going to be doing that well. This is
because your dominant emotion is unhappiness, or various cluster of emotions
centered around unhappiness. You got to get that figured out.
What do you need to do before you even meet any women? In fact, if you don't
do this … It's a necessary thing, if you don't do this, none of the rest will go well.
This is the emotional activation system as well, because it's about controlling your
feelings. There are just three things that you need to do. Three things that you
need to do on pre-‐approach.
The first is really simple. In fact, it's so simple most guys that I teach this to,
discount it, but this is the most important thing. If you can do this one thing, it will
take you eighty percent of the way, and people will love you. You might not get
laid, but people will love you, and you'll have a great time. It's good enough, right.
The first thing is two words, just two words. Have fun. If you skip that, if you're
miserable, and you're a pick up artist, it will not work. You might trick a few
people, but they'll figure it out pretty quick, and you're going to be miserable.
Just focus first on having fun. This is actually harder than it sounds, because if
you're having trouble with women, probably in this time and age, you will go to a
place where people mix, like a bar or club. If you're having trouble meeting
women, you probably don't have a lot of experience in bars or clubs, or you
wouldn't be looking for advice online and trying to get better.


Like me, probably you're a good Christian boy, and you obeyed all the rules, and
then at thirty years old you step foot in the club for the first time. That was me. I
had to figure out how to have fun in that environment. Once I realized how
important this was, I dropped everything else. I’m not going to try to approach ...
Get all these approaches in, and I'm not going to hit on any girls. The first order of
business is just to figure out how to have fun.
When you're going out in the day, you want to meet some women on the street,
or in the shopping malls, if you hate shopping malls, this is not going to work. In
Singapore it is incredibly insanely crowded. The population density is just ... It
blows my mind.
I came back to Canada for Christmas, as I often do, and Boxing Day is the big sale
day. I said to my parents, "Let's go to Boxing Day." They said, "Are you kidding?
You know how crowded it is?" I'm like, "Fine. I'll go by myself." I went, and it was
... There was no one there. There was like ten people waiting to get in that store.
This is nothing, because I’m from Singapore.
When I first got to Singapore, I couldn't do the shopping malls. I couldn't meet
women in the shopping malls, because I was pissed off all the time, and I realized
that there were certain times of day when I could hit that and I'll be okay. I also,
realized the Asian population density that not only do you have to control the
time of day you're walking around, but you need to control your sensory
perceptions, so I popped in my earphones, and listened to some music I liked for a
while. I was really into Asian tea. What do you call that here? Boba or something.
Don't have it. It's full of starch and carbohydrates.


That was my fun drink, so I had that. Nowadays I get energy bars. I'm just having
fun. I'm walking around going to stores I like. I'm having fun. Now, if I meet a
great girl on the way, then it's a bonus, but the most important thing is that I need
to be enjoying my life. I am going to put that first.
Along the same lines, if you work on Friday very late, and you read in some pickup
artist manual that you need to go out a certain number of hours, and do a certain
number of approaches every night, so you force yourself to go to the club, you are
asking for disaster. It is admirable that you'll do that, but go home, take a nap.
Just coming out at like twelve or one after a nap and a shower, and a change of
clothes, is far better to make the most use of that time. Have fun.
The second step is make others have fun. I tried to make this as simple as
possible. Have fun and make others have fun. Just spread the love.
The third is make connections and see if people meet your standards. This is what
we'll be focusing most of our time on, the third step. When a client is just figuring
out the first two steps, you usually get so excited, because before he was the
introvert that no one cared about, and now he's having fun, and he's making
other people have fun, and he just does that for three hours, and then they go
home.
Then he asks, "Dave, I was great, but I didn't get any numbers. I don't have any
dates set up." That's because he's forget step three. At some point, you got to
stop being party guy. You got to step down with the girl and make a connection.
Find out about her. See if she meets your standards.


This should take up ninety percent of your mental processes. When you're out
there, you should not be thinking, "What's my opener. What's the transition?
What routines do I want to throw out? What do I want to say," and all this stuff.
That should not be dominant in your mind. Ninety percent of what you're thinking
should just be, "How do I have fun? How can I have more fun? How can I make
other people have fun," and then stopping and saying, "I got to make some
connections. See if this girl meets my standards."
That's it. Keep it simple, because the prefrontal cortex, what we are consciously
capable of adjusting in the moment is very little. I'm trying to keep it as simple as
possible. Plus, you'll enjoy your life a lot more if you do it this way.
The remaining ten percent can be taken up, and should be taken up with other
considerations. About five percent of it will be logistical. When you get experience
at this, you'll find that it often falls apart because you didn't pay attention to
logistics. Logistics means movement. What time is it? How much time do I have to
go from here to there? How do I get from here to there? Bouncing to the next
club. Bouncing from the dance floor to the bar, and so forth. That's just five
percent or so, and positioning, and so on.
Maybe the remaining five percent can be on you're thinking about some
technique that you want to work on. Maybe it's, "I want to focus more on
transferring this emotion. I have to remember that, and not to get too sidetracked
just having lots of fun." But most of it, ninety percent of it should be having fun
and making others have fun.


Now, I will give you two examples of how to start a conversation with a woman.
There are plenty of other examples, other opening lines and so on that you can
find, and probably you have, but these two are my go tos, and they've, also, been
tested thousands of times, and these are the highest percentage for guys just
starting out that being able to just learn it and go out and apply it. These two.
The first one is the dramatic direct opener. I call it the dramatic direct opener.
Here the emotions you're trying to transfer are desire, awe, and a kind of wonder.
The wonder, the curiosity that you feel, the intrigue that you feel should fuel this
kind of courage and urgency that you, also, feel. There's a little bit of urgency and
there should be some courage.
When you do this so much that you no longer feel nervous, you end up having to
... This would be after a hundred times, so don't think about this too much if you
haven't done it yet, but then you'll have to fake the nervousness. You do the fake
gulps, and so on, because then she'll think, "This guy's such a player he does it all
the time." Which is true, but we don't want her to think that, right? You want her
to get to know you first. It's not your fault that you've done it so many times.
Well, actually it is.
The dramatic direct opener is really simple. Actually we should probably
demonstrate it first, and then I'll break it down for you.
David: “Excuse me.”
Speaker 2: Yes.


David: Hi. I saw you standing here, and I just wanted to tell you that I think you
are beautiful.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
David: And I just wanted to meet you.
Speaker 2: That's really sweet.
David: Thanks. My name is David. What's your name?
Speaker 2: Ellen Bray.
David: Great. Pleasure to meet you.
Speaker 2: Nice to meet you.
David: Where are you headed?
Speaker 2: I'm just going downtown.
David: Really?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
David: I'm going that way, too.
Speaker 2: Oh, really.
David: Yeah. I'll walk you down. Great.


When guys try that, all they hear is the compliment. If I don't break it down, and
insist that you follow the exact formula, it will turn into a situation where you tell
them their beautiful, and they just think it’s creepy.
It's a lot more complex. As with most things that are effective, it's all flying under
the radar, and I want to keep it as simple as possible. Here it's really about
controlling that restraint. You've got this nervousness. You work your courage up,
and now you're trying to keep track of all of the words, and you're trying to slow
down the pace of speech. This is all a lot of control. This is what I call the James
Bond opener, because this is the sort of thing that a powerful guy would just go
up and say.
Let me break it down for you why this is so. The first component is just getting her
attention. You have to get her attention. If she's walking you've got to stop her.
You cannot do nampa in Japan. Excuse me blah, blah, blah, blah, as you're
walking. It's not going to work. If you're talking to her while she's walking, just
forget it. You got to come out and around, and stop her. She has to stop. You got
to get her attention. Give her enough respect that she will stop. The more she
walks while you talk, the less she will respect you.
Get her to stop, and that's the purpose of the, "Excuse me," during the day, or
"Hey," attempt eye contact. Then you start. Once you have eye contact, only then
do you start.
You're going to slow the pace of reality. I saw you doing X activity. I saw you
sitting here. I saw you standing here. I saw you walking by. Don't get any more
specific than that. I saw you twirling your hair while sipping a purple drink and


sitting down on that chair. That's too much. Keep it simple. I saw you sitting here.
That's pacing the reality.
Basically, once you get stopped all of a sudden, you're not actually listening to the
person. You're trying to decide, "Is he trying to sell me something?" The fight or
flight is coming into play. The primitive parts of the brain are taking over as they
always do when they're engaged.
You want to basically have a buffer where you're saying something that is true.
When you say, "I saw you walking by," all she can say is, "That's true." Right? "I
saw you walking by," and then you pause. The pause is very important. "I saw you
walking by," or, "I saw you standing here," and now you start to transfer the
emotions. This is, also, to calm yourself down. They're like speed bumps on the
road. Don't just go right into, "Hey, you're beautiful." "Hey, I wanted to come over
to tell you," or, "Hey, I saw you standing here," pause.
And now there are these words that have lots of consonants. To pronounce them
properly, most people have to slow down. These words are, "I just wanted to
come over to tell you." Can you hear all the Ts? "I just wanted to come over to tell
you."
Again, this is true. Now, if you deliver it well, she shouldn't know exactly what's
coming. Again, you're distracting the logical mind, and just transferring the good
emotions of your feeling. "I just wanted to come over to tell you." Pause. "I think."
Pause. She shouldn't know. Or, "I think you are forgetful, because you dropped
your wallet here, and you never picked it up. Have a good day." You're always
willing to walk away.


She's going to think, "This guy is going to compliment me," but it shouldn't be
obvious, like you're begging for approval or anything. Just build it up. "I just
wanted to come over to tell you." Pause. "I think." Pause. "You are." Pause. This is
why it's the Thomas Crowne kind of thing, because there are so many pauses.
Who even talks like that? You know who talks like that? High status people, who
are used to having people listen to them. When you rush through your words, it
shows that you're not used to people paying attention to you. But if you slow it
down, "I think, you are, a total idiot." Whatever. You're used to slowing down.
What it will do is allow you to call up that emotion and sit with it. I think in this
case the image that I have is sitting with it, letting it just get there, and get bigger,
like a balloon, like a water balloon. Just let it expand.
When you're in a club or bar and it's just like alcohol and music and it's dark, on
the opener you can start transferring a sexual state, and this will allow you to do
that. "I saw you standing at the bar, and I just wanted to come over to tell you,"
and already you're projecting that. The whatever, the sexual arousal, if you like.
The pauses allow you to do that.
If you just power through, she's not going to feel the emotions from you. She's
going to feel that you're nervous, because you rushed through it, and then she
hears what every guy is going to be saying, just rush to that compliment. You
want to build the compliment up.
The big compliment comes after, "You are," pause, and then the actual adjective.
The adjective has to be big. By that I mean long words, multi-‐syllabic. If you just


say cute ... I've tested this. If you don't believe me, go out and try out. She's going
to think it's a joke, like someone's playing a bad joke on her, because it's not
strong enough to explain why you would have that build up. Or pretty is too
weak. Here you need beautiful, stunning, striking, ravishing, gorgeous, something
along those lines.
Then, you throw in two standard questions. These are the questions you never
should ever ask when you first meet a girl, except after this one opener. Don't get
confused. I hear guys use other openers that I teach, and then use these two
questions. Don't do that. These questions should really only come after this
opener. Wait until later in the interaction before you pull out these sorts of
questions.
They include your name, "What's your name?" Don't ask the name right up front
if you're not using this opener. Things like, "Where are you headed," just basically
logistical questions. If it's at night you can say, "Who are you here with," or,
"What's the occasion?" What's the occasion actually is a good question. You can
throw that in there, too.
The reason you're doing this is to calibrate, because if you do this well, unless
you're ... Most women will assume that you've done this before, and that you've
done it often, in fact, because if you in control of yourself, you have the pauses in
there, you create drama for her. You sweep her off her feet in a way, give her that
movie moment, she's going to think, "Why is this guy so controlled?" This player.


Then, you throw in these geeky questions. "What's your name?" "Where are you
headed?" She's like, "Okay. He's just normal." That's just to calibrate that. Ideally
you do it well, so I'm giving you the two questions that you should calibrate with.
That's the first approach. I'll give you a second one. The first one is dramatic.
You're calling up this desire, this awe, and that works really well when it's sincere.
When you see a girl that you think, "Whoa," and then usually your heart starts
racing. This perfect ... Then you run up there, "Excuse me. I saw you walking by,
and I just wanted to come over to tell you." It works really well for that, that little
nervousness.
Here's another example that is more casual. If the direct opener, the dramatic
direct is too outside your natural personality, because you're a fun loving guy, and
you're really casual, then you should try this other opener. Also, very versatile.
You can use it pretty much anywhere.
The dominant emotions are humor, fun. You're playing a goofy joke on a cute girl.
That's the idea. I call it, "Drop the pretense." It's a more loosely structured
opener. The other one was very ... You have to follow word by word, pause by
pause. This one is just a loose structure.
The first is that you need a pretext to start the conversation. Pretext. The pretext
could be directions. Where is whatever, Starbucks or whatever. Or it could be
information. Do you know when the next bus is, or do you know when the last
bus came, something like that. Something that any civilized person should pause
and respond to. The worst response you could get is, "I'm sorry. I don't have


time." It shouldn't be really rude. If it's really rude, then she's just a social retard.
You're better off without her. This works on civilized people.
You ask for something that's innocuous. Something any civilized person should
respond to, directions. Then, after she starts responding to your question, you cut
her off. Just interrupt her. This is the only tricky part. You can't do it too quickly,
but you can't wait too long. Just after a few seconds.
Then, you just say this line, "I just wanted to talk to you, because I thought you
were really cute." Then you got the goofy smile, like, "I played a joke on you."
That's it. It's really simple. Basically it's like, "Excuse me. Do you know where the
Starbucks is?" She's like, "If you go down the street, and around ..." "Actually, no,
no, no. I already know where it is. I just wanted to come talk to you, because I
thought you were really cute." "Is that a line?" You might get that. "Yeah. That
was totally a line. I made that up." Just come clean.
This works really well pretty much anywhere, and it's easy to do. It's not as sweep
her off her feet as the dramatic duet. If you're feeling really nervous, you probably
can't come off really cool and casual. But when you feel that way, when you're
feeling fine, and you feel a little lighthearted, want to put some humor in it, this is
a great one to use.
I've given you both, dramatic, desire filled, wonder, awe, and another one that's
just more fun and funny. One thing about the pretense, choose a pretense that
won't give you a one word answer. If you are standing one block from McDonalds
... Actually don't ask about McDonalds. If you're standing one block from
Starbucks, and she's like, "Oh, it's there," and she's just going to walk away, that's


too fast. You want her to give you ... You ask for something medium distance, so
that she will have to say down the street, turn right, and then turn left, then you
can interrupt her.
I'll demonstrate this all at the end. The next step after you start the conversation,
and get her laughing, and get her feeling what you feel. Hopefully you will feel
fun, and humorous, and when you do that opener it's sort of, "The jokes on you,"
and often they will laugh.
Another good one to make her laugh even more is doing the whole, "I tricked
you," thing, which is ... I did this in New York once on the way ... One of the first
times I did this ... The Museum of Modern Art, MOMA. I was meeting my sister
there. I stopped this girl. Asked her where MOMA was, and she said, "It's just
down that way, and I think just down ..." She's pointing in the wrong direction. I
actually know it's that way. "Wait a second. You don't know where it is? Yeah. I
just asked you because I thought you were really cute. I had to start a
conversation some way." She loved that.
Again, it's a great way to just get her laughing, and you're making fun of yourself,
too. Self-‐deprecation is always good, and it's a humor device. You get that out of
the way. Now, you move into a transition. The transition could be one sentence,
or it could be ... You could skip the transition entirely.
There are three categories of transitions. The first is observational. An
observational transition. The second is a back story. The third is tacit. Let me just
explain really quick.


The observational transition and the back story transition will be predicated on
the next piece, your question, your screen, which I'll get to. If your screen, let's
say you want to talk about travel. Then, you could do a back story about how you
just got back from Phuket. This is a beach in Thailand. A lot of people in Asia go to
Phuket. Maybe that example is not so great for the US.
You just got back from Phuket. It's like a weekend trip, and it was really great.
You're really tired, because you went scuba diving, and you're wondering if you
shouldn't have got on a plane because there are those no flight rules, or
whatever. You're just saying, "I just came back from Phuket."
Then, you roll into, "Where do you like traveling most?" You're giving your back
story about the context for the next question. You can talk about your travel
experience very quickly. "I just got back from Phuket. Great experience. Where do
you like to travel the most," if you want to do that fast.
Another one is let's say you want to get into fitness. You want to talk about fitness
with a girl. Instead of just asking her straight from the opener, "What do you do to
stay fit," which you could. But you could, also, transition into it like, "I just came
back from the gym, so I'm looking for some protein. Hey, you look like you work
out." That's the back story, so it makes sense. That's the back story.
Now, the observation is simply you're observing something about her, and you
just point it out. If you want to talk about fashion, you can just point out
something about the way she's dressed. Maybe that she matched her shoelaces
with her belt, or something like that. "Did you pick that out yourself," or


whatever. The more specific obviously, the better it is, and the more sincere it will
seem.
You can, also, observe something about the environment. "It's really hot out
here," and moving into travel. Observations or back stories. Tacit is basically no
transition. You just skip that, and just go straight into the screen. It's more
powerful.
I don't really bother that much with transitions anymore, but I know it's a training
wheel. A lot of guys feel nervous about just ... "You mean I can just go straight
into what's your passion in life?" Yeah, you can, especially if you're used to having
people answer your questions. But if you're not, you can transition into it.
Transitions, observations, back stories, and the tacit. Now, we're getting to the
connections. You've opened. Maybe you've transitioned, so you've set the
context for what you're going to do next, which is the connection.

THE DESIRE SYSTEM CONNECTION

CHAPTER 5: CONNECTION
Now we're getting into the connection. So you've opened, maybe you've
transitioned, so you've set the context for what you're going to do next, which is
the connection.
In this phase of the interaction, connection, your dominant emotions are
appreciation and wonder. Also clustered in there is curiosity, warmth, interest,
passion as well here. The technique I've chosen to teach you is a very versatile
one, and it's one that is very natural because it mimics conversational structures
and patterns of high-‐status people when they're talking to each other or when
people are naturally connecting emotionally.
Okay, so you're not doing anything unusual. You're just consistently doing what
you do when you're on. Okay, now we're just breaking it down for you so you
know how to recreate this whenever you want.
You might have, you probably have already done this, but you may not have
thought of it as a separate skill that you can develop. But here we go. This
technique is called screening and qualifying.
What screening and qualifying allows you to do is that it allows you to establish
authority; it allows you to establish your status; and it gets investment from a girl,
from other people, when you do it; and it establishes your value. Okay, so this
one technique does all of that. Because of that, there are lots of other techniques


for conversation, but they usually only do one or two of those things. This does all
of that.
Okay, when you're screening, basically you're seeing if people meet your
standards. Remember the pre-‐approach: Have fun, make others have fun, make
connections, and see if people meet your standards. Screening is really great for
that third step, seeing if people meet your standards.
Screening is mimicking high-‐status conversational structures. If you have a lot of
pressure on your time, because you're a billionaire or something, you don't have a
lot of free time to just chit chat with everybody who wants to meet you. Very
quickly you need to screen them to see whether this person's worth your time.
Now, that might seem like douchebaggery or asshole or whatever, a jerk. It's just
a simple … It's just a practical expedient, right? You have limited time, and you
need to figure out how to best use it.
The key is to do it without seeming like you're interviewing somebody, or
interrogating them, or judging them. You don't want to be, right off the bat, "Are
you worth my time?" It's got to seem natural, so here are some ways that you can
start doing this naturally in your life.
First write down five traits, five nonphysical traits that you're looking for in your
ideal woman. That's the first thing you should be doing while I'm talking. Try to
write down five nonphysical traits.
Then the next thing is to write five traits that are true of you. For instance, for me
when I started doing this exercise a decade ago I wrote down that I'm more


cultured than average. I wrote down "cultured" because I like opera, and classical
music, and jazz, and I read a lot of books and all that. Cultured, I'm a scholar by
trade, and I travel quite a bit. Those are traits that are true of me. So write down
five attributes of yourself.
Okay, so you can write down what the question is, and then when you have more
time you can fill that out. This is just for starters. Eventually, hopefully in a month
from now when you've practiced this more, you'll have a list of ten, fifteen,
twenty traits that you're looking for in a woman. You'll know yourself better and
you'll be able to rattle out ten, or fifteen, or twenty things that are true of you,
that are kind of unique to you in a way.
The last are your expert topics. Think of five topics that you enjoy talking about,
and that you're knowledgeable and comfortable talking about. If you wrote down
"wine," I think that's good enough. If you're really into wine, that's a great
conversational topic, write that down.
Now you've got three categories and a minimum of fifteen items. What you're
going to do now is look at that list of fifteen items, and you're looking for any
traits that you've written down in more than one category. If you've written it up
in all three categories that is a major topic for you.
For instance, if you are looking for an artistic girl, you are artistic and you love
talking about art, then that's a key topic for you. That's going to be one of your
hobby horses you'll be hitting every time. It'll be very easy for you to do that. You
should not, for instance, be picking screens that you know nothing about. Always
go to your expert topics, your traits that are true of you already and what you're


looking for in a girl, because then it will be easy for you to screen. Okay, it's
essential for you to do that.
All right, we're going to give, we're going to call whatever it is that you've found in
two or more categories, we'll call it "X." All right, we'll just use that variable, X.
Now, I can tell you what the soft screens are. You just fill in whatever variable it is
in place of the X, the place holder. Other examples of X could be an adventurous
girl. That's a very broad one. The more specific the better, right? She's into rock
climbing, that's even better.
The simplest and most powerful screen is simply: "I like X." You're sitting there on
the couch and you just say, "I love ice cream. I love ice cream." Now if she likes
you, and you've already talked about it, she might say, "Oh, I love ice cream, too."
Or, maybe she'll disagree with you to try to get under your skin. The point is
you've thrown your screen up. You might even go into a little more detail: "All my
friends have to like ice cream." You say it as a statement. Boom, there it is.
Okay, now when you're just starting out you probably won't use "I like X,"
because you probably won't have the balls to do it. It will not appear natural. So
here are some questions. Questions are more natural. "All my friends are X. You
seem X. Am I right?" Just insert your desired attribute that you're screening for in
place of the X.
I'll give you some other examples.
• "All my friends are X. Hmm, you seem X. Am I right?" Kind of skeptical, a
little bit of a challenge.


• "You strike me as an X person. You're X, aren't you?" Again, skeptical, but,
"Uh, if you're not X, I'm walking away."
• "I can tell you're really X, but are you Y as well?" These are complementary,
sometimes contrasting. You can use "Y" of X and Y.
• "Are you more X or Y? You're not Y, are you?" For instance, Y can be
"jealous": "You're not the jealous type, are you?"
Okay, we're moving into the qualification. A lot of guys qualify too quickly. A
common one is "What do you like to do?" I think this is mainly an [Asian 00:07:01]
response, "Shopping!"
A lot of girls just say, "I love shopping." Usually the guys would be dumbfounded,
more like, "Uh, I have no way to relate to that." They will say, "Oh, I should qualify
her," so, "Wow, shopping; that's great. I really like that about you!" This does not
work.
When what we are trying to get her to do is invest, you have to reward the
investment. If she does not invest, you cannot reward. The basic principle is
reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. Be very careful of the punishing
bad behavior part. You always want to reward good behavior. If she does not, if
she gives you bad behavior, you do not want to reward bad behavior. Okay?
Qualification has to be reserved for when she has invested in you or invested in
the conversation. You ask her about: "Where do you like to travel the most?" and
she says, "Japan." "Sounds really cool. What do you like the most about Japan.
Why Japan?" Then she goes into this thing about Japan.


Get her to open up: "How are the hot springs that you like?" You know, you ask
her, "What's it feel like to be sitting in really, really hot water while there's snow
outside? How's that feel?" She's like, "Ah, it's great." Then you get into that, then
once that is done you can then qualify what it is that you like about her.
Now, the qualification does not have to match the screen. You might start with
travel, but because you only talk about one place you're not going to say, "Oh,
you're so well traveled." That's not going to work. You're looking for something
else to appreciate about her.
All of the things you appreciate about her should be nonphysical. You're not to
say, "Wow, what a great ass you have." If you're going to put out a compliment
about something physical, it has to be right at the opener and, in general, like,
"You're beautiful," and that's it. She does not get any more until she's dating you.
Okay, but she gets a lot of compliments about her personality. This is where a lot
of guys fail, and it's where you're going to shine if you're going to be looking for
these. Now, you already have an idea of what you're looking for in a girl, so just
go to those first.
All right, so, let's get into the qualification itself. Once you get enough investment,
and this is a calibration thing, you've got to hold back until you feel like she's
invested enough in you. Then you would right away, when you feel that, you
throw in the qualification.


I'm just going to go right to the stock qualifications first. Again, when you get
those lists you'll see that the "X" stands for whatever trait it is you want to
appreciate in her.
• "I like X the best." That's really straightforward. "How do you like X the
best?"
• "Wow, you really are X. I like that!"
• "Are you really X?" She'll go, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." "Oh, you really
are X; I like that!"
• "Okay, okay, you're X. You can be my friend now." That's a little clever.
• "I love having such an X friend."
• "Man, are you are X. Man, you are X; it's great to be friends with you."
• "Geez, you're just like my friend Jennifer; you're so X."
• "You know, you remind me of a lot of my friends. You're so X, too."
Okay, do you feel the vibe? This is short and casual. You're not like all over her,
saying she's amazing. You're just appreciating these nonphysical traits, personality
traits. Throwing in the word "friends" is great for the confusion. Confusion in the
beginning is very, very good. I go into that in a lot more detail in the next course,
and for the reasons why, but if it's too obvious what's going on and it's just like a
contract, an agreement, "Yes, sign on the bottom line," it will kill the attraction.
You need to have some kind of intrigue.
Appreciate with your nonverbals. Just like when you screen with your nonverbals,
the body language and tonality have to match the screening frame. When you
qualify, your body language and tonality has to match the qualifying frame. You


can do different degrees or intensities of appreciation; I'll show you that in a
second.
In addition to appreciating with your nonverbals, you want to be good at taking,
doing takeaways to calibrate. Let's say you screen her, she doesn't match the
screen or she doesn't mesh with you, you need to calibrate that. Let's see your
back turned, turn away, gone. You look away.
Ideally, this is not just game play; this is real. You're kind of [inaudible 00:11:25]
"Oh, I'll be polite. I'll give you another chance. Eh, you still suck; I'll give you one
more chance, and that's it." You actually have to think that. Now it might be really
hard if you're desperate or you haven't had sex in a long time, but that's the key
part about controlling your emotions, right?
Okay, now, if you go too far in your qualifications, like, "I really like that about
you," but maybe you were too enthusiastic, and she can feel it, like, "Uh, okay..."
You might get that look. "Oh, shit; I went too far." You throw in a quick takeaway.
The takeaway, just basic form, is, "Too bad you're such an X." You might have
heard this. It's really easy to use: "Too bad you're such a dork," "Too bad you're
such a geek," "Too bad you're such a whatever," "Too bad you're such an X."
Follow it up with the right body language and tonality, and so it's kind of
dismissive but it's also a joke. Keep it lighthearted all the time.
Okay, now maybe she invests a lot in the answer but you think the answer is shit.
Okay, a lot of guys, they get too much into this screening thing. Here's an example
a lot of people will agree with. Well, maybe. Maybe, let's see. I asked this really
hot bartender, "What's your passion in life?"


She thought for a very long time while ignoring other customers: "Um ... sales."
I'm like, "Oh, okay." Usually people will say something deep, right? They'll say, "I
like the altitude in here" "OK, cool." But I didn't, I didn't, I thought, I was thinking,
like, "Ugh," in my mind, but she put a lot of thought into it. She put a lot of work
into it. It's like kicking a puppy in the face if you don't appreciate it.
I was like, "Oh, cool, sales. Why sales?" You know, try to get into it, maybe there
was a deeper reason for it, and there was. I was engaged. If you do not approve of
her answer, don't punish it. She put a lot of work—if she put work into it, reward
the work. This is true probably for raising children; it's also true for education.
Reward the effort.
If you've been asking her about that time she was in Vietnam, and she got on this
motor mountain bike, and she got lost in the jungle or something, and she
powered her way through, and this crazy thing happened, and she came out of it,
and you're like, "Wow, I really like that about you." Or if you say, "Wow, that's so
adventurous, that's so rare. It's really cool; I really like that about you." Saying the
words "I," "you," and the X are the key parts. "I," "you," and X; "I like that about
you."
Otherwise, it's a generic compliment. Lke, "Okay, I'm adventurous, great." When
you say, "I like that you are adventurous," you're taking it from the platonic,
general level to the personal level. You have to move it to the personal. Believe it
or not, a lot of people are insecure. They're not just going to just assume that
you're in love with them, even if she's a beautiful woman.


If you're trying to be sincere, you need to make that explicit. Right? "I like that
about you." What are you basically doing? You're appreciating who she is. That's
what, that's basically what we are. We're a collection of our preferences and
interests and desires. All right, so you're drawing that out of her and you're
appreciating it.
Now, there's a thing you can do which is false qualification screening. When you
get really good at screening and qualifying, something that's relatively new to the
academy is we just throw you a trait and you're supposed to … you make a
screening right on the spot. All right, so it may be something you're not even into.
Something you're not really into.
I'm not into computer games, but let's say your girl is really into computer games.
I say, "Wow, what kind of computer games do you play?" "I love World of
Warcraft." "Oh, that's interesting." At least learn some expert questions about
computer games. I'm basically screening while I make these statements.
I can then say, "Wow, I love that you're so passionate about that. That's so
unusual. You don't see that in a lot of people. That's really cool." Maybe I don't
like the fact that she's into computer games, but because I'm new to this
technique. That's the dangerous part about it, but once you figure it out it is a
technique that you can use. Ideally, you will use it with things that you sincerely
care about.
Okay, so just to wrap up the screening and qualifying, what you're doing with
screening and qualifying is step two. You're connected. You're having those


connection emotions. Those should be priority. Appreciation, for instance, is the
primary dominant emotion, with that cluster of appreciation emotions.
In order to screen properly, you have to be willing to walk away. You must have
that screening mindset. "Is she good enough for me? If she's not, I'm going to ...
the clock is ticking on her, and I'm going to walk away. My time is better spent
elsewhere."
Along with that mindset is waiting for her investment. Sometimes we need to
apply the pressure. By that I mean sometimes you'll have to be silent. For some
reason, a lot of guys are afraid of silence. They want to have conversational
technique, where there will never be any what they call awkward silences. As you
know from the emotional activation system, it's only awkward if you feel
awkward. Silence is great. In fact, you need to have silence in order to have music.
You can apply silence to your advantage.
For instance, if you're asking a big, open-‐ended question be silent and freeze right
after you ask it, because you are a high-‐status guy and you expect people to
answer your questions. For instance, a big question at the beginning would be
something that requires a lot of thought.
Like, "What's your passion in life?" Maybe you don't even transition into it, you
just go straight into it: "So, what's your passion in life?" Or even better, you put
your hand out, "So, what's your passion in life?" You just freeze, and you look
expectantly. Let her think, because then she'll think, "Oh, I have to come up with
an answer. He's not going to be just babble on and on like all the other guys,
trying to impress me."


You've got to wait for the investment. Maybe she'll say one thing, like sales. Then
you ask for more. A big, open-‐ended question: "Why sales? What is it about sales
that you're so passionate about? What's it feel like to do that?". All right, get
more, get more, get more. When you get enough, you feel like she's put some
effort into it, you then relate to it. You tell her about your passion. This is how the
connection happens, right, so first you ask for it and she relates to you. You
reward that with a qualification, and then you relate. All right, you're going out
with you think about that thing.
This is why it's so important that at the beginning you write down five traits that
you value, you write down five topics that you like to talk about, because that
part will be really easy and you're just waiting to get that up there. Now a lot of
guys when they're first starting out, just getting experience talking to women, are
so focused on their part of it that they jump right to their part.
They just want to talk to her, because they think that somehow by talking to her,
showing off, like what they know about it and what their experience is, that she
will magically like them.
Actually, that's not why she likes you. That part at the end where you relate is just
to complete the connection. There's a lot more to be said about why investment
is so important. At the Aura Academy, we have whole two-‐hour classes just on
investment itself, but basically investment aids attraction.
The more you invest in something, the more you're attracted to it. The more she
talks to you and puts a lot of effort into responding to you, the more she'll like
you. Get them to talk, and you sit back and you appreciate. That's why people will


like you. Because everybody is self-‐interested. They like it when, they think you're
fascinating when you appreciate them, which is counter-‐intuitive.
Okay, so, get the investment then remember to qualify. Basically the structure is
you screen: "Are you X?" Something along those lines, you screen. She invests,
says all the stuff to show that she's X. Then you say, "Wow, you really are X. That's
cool." Then you relate to that. If the subject was about travel, you can tell your
travel story, whatever. If it's about art, you can talk about your experience with
art. You relate to it.
Then you just go to the next screen. You can do this forever. This is what you
should be doing pretty much all of the time, because this is a natural
conversational structure. You're constantly seeing how to best use your time.
Okay, always though, to prevent you from getting into interviewer interrogation
mode, use humor. Try to make it funny. Remember, you never lose the earlier
section, the earlier step on excitement, enjoyment, fun. You keep that. You bring
that in. You add to it now appreciation and curiosity.

THE DESIRE SYSTEM HUMOR & VULNERABILITY

CHAPTER 6: HUMOR & VULNERABILITY
All right, so this is one of my favorite parts. We're going to go into humor and
lightheartedness. Humor. Using humor you can get into sexual topics very early
on; humor's the key to that. However, you should use humor like seasoning in a
dish. Just a little bit, just to bring out the flavor of it. Don't focus on the humor;
don't be the funny man, the dancing monkey. I'd suggest little bursts of humor.
Otherwise she's doubting your sincerity and you just end up being a fun time, but
there's no connection.
Be always ready to laugh at yourself if she teases you. If you become defensive, it
will create bad feelings, and you'd be transferring bad feelings. So always be
ready to laugh at yourself.
If you find that you're teasing her and it's not obvious to her that you're teasing,
she thinks you're insulting her or she doesn't get the joke, don't just keep going.
You know, some guys just tease-‐plow. Calibrate by going logical or calibrate by
changing the topic. Right? You want to stop that or explain to her that you were
just joking; make sure that she realizes you were just joking.
Okay. Let me give you a few humor techniques that are easy to use, and I'll show
you later on why these are so effective, okay? But we'll just get into the
techniques first.
The first is called the pink elephant. Pink elephant. Now, you might have heard of
a pink elephant as a trope in literature. That's where I first heard of it. Basically,


when you hear about it, it's usually in terms of getting you to get to think of a pink
elephant. But I really don't want you to think of about a pink elephant, because
they don't exist. Elephants, if you can think of them, there are some are from
Africa, some from Asia. The African ones I think are larger than the Asian ones. Is
that right? Yeah. Okay.
They actually cry; elephants cry. They exhibit affection for family relations. There's
a lot of research that humanizes them. But there's never been a pink elephant,
you know, the color pink. If you can think of the color red, pink is just a shade of
red ... But I don't want you to think of that combination.
Don't think of an elephant that is pink, because they don't exist, and that would
actually just cause you cognitive dissonance. Get the idea of a pink elephant out
of your head! They don't exist. So let's not even bother about talking about pink
elephants.
Basically the pink elephant is a stand-‐in, it's a variable, for anything that you want
people to think about, but then you get plausible deniability. You can do this in
two ways: the way I showed you was reversal. This is why I say, "Don't think about
that thing." If she catches what you're doing, then it's just a funny joke, right? It's
just, "Don't think about that."
All you need to do is think of what you want her to think about. Maybe the two of
you kissing. Just say, "Don't think about us kissing, because it's not going to
happen. Like, my lips on your lips, it just wouldn't work. I mean, my lips are very
moist right now; do I think they should be moister, because it's dry here ... ? If I
can get some water, that'd be great ... But this wouldn't happen, so, even if I get


that water, we're not going to make out. All right? Just to make that clear. Just to
get that out of the way. No kissing."
Of course, for her to just listen to the conversation and keep up with it, she's
going to be thinking about kissing you. "Don't look at my lips. Don't look at them,"
right? This is just how human psychology works. That's called reversal, where you
just throw in the "don't do the, don't think of x."
The other is drop-‐and-‐go. Drop-‐and-‐go is even easier to use. Drop-‐and-‐go is
basically where you're talking about something very innocuous and then you just
drop in the thing you want her to think about, and then just go back to the
innocent thread and just keep going. Drop-‐and-‐go.
I think what we're trying to do is show how you can get women to think about
sexual topics, to think about you sexually, and so I'm just going to assume that the
x is going to be something sexual. It doesn't have to be. It could be the two of you
going grocery shopping, the two of you taking a vacation, it doesn't have to be
that way.
Let's just take for example, you naked. Right? We want her to think about you
naked. So you could talk about ... What's an innocent topic? I'm still thirsty, so
let's talk about water.
"Did you know that there's this business thing where people will say, 'The market
for this product is x amount, is x size, so, therefore, our business is going to go
great.' But the counter example for that, I keep thinking about, is water. The
market for water is six billion people. Doesn't mean you should start a water


company. Or, maybe it is? Right? The last time ... Well, I had this idea, and I was
like, 'Man, there's all this water!'
I was lathering up, and then I thought, 'Man, maybe I should invest in these
different water companies,' because I use water all the time. I went to the store
to buy some water, and I wanted to taste test all the different waters." Okay. So,
blah blah blah blah blah. I'm taking about water.
But really what I threw in there was this little drop-‐and-‐go: I was in the shower
and I was lathering up. In fact, you can throw these things in there all the time,
getting her to think about whatever you want by just dropping it into the
conversation and then moving forward.
Now, if she ever goes back and says, "Why are you talking about x?" You say, "I'm
not talking about x. We're talking about water! Why'd you go back to that? You
pervert. Stop thinking about that." Then you throw in reversal, if you'd like.
So, there you go. Pink elephant, two types. Reversal, where you say, "Don't think
about x;" drop-‐and-‐go, where you talk about something innocent, drop in the pink
elephant, and then continue with the innocent thread. Okay. Pink elephant. Very
useful, it's also just fun to do. And in fact, if she knows what you're up to, it's even
funnier.
The next one is positive misinterpretation. Positive misinterpretation. Here, this is
a funny way to use it. Positive misinterpretation. Give you an example of this. A
buddy of mine was at a club, he's talking to this girl, he's feeling really good that


night, and this girl said to him, "I think you're full of shit." He thought she said, "I
think you're the shit."
So she said, "I think you're full of shit," and he said, "Wow! Thanks! You know, I
really like you too, but we just met. Should at least buy me a drink before you hit
on me like that." She's like, "No! No, no, no, no. I said, 'You're full of shit.'" He's
feeling so good, at that point, he's like, "Oh yeah? I bet you love it." She's like,
"Yeah ..." and they were making out later.
It's a great example of positive misinterpretation, where you basically respond to
the statement you wish she had said. That's the best use for it, I think. You can
also do it in a very cheeky way for pretty much anything. What happened if she
asked you where you're from, let's say you want to use this, you could just
respond as if she asked you, "Can I buy you a drink?" Right? So that's just funny.
I think it's funny. As long as you think it's funny, it's funny. "So, where are you
from?" "Yeah, I'll have a Long Island, thanks." It's just great. You can throw that in
there any time. That's positive misinterpretation. You can almost have a one-‐way
conversation with yourself, and she'll just, like, "What's going on?" But it's funny.
Okay. That's positive misinterpretation.
The next one is exaggerate to absurdity. This is a technique that I learned at
improv comedy. A great proponent of this is Russell Brand. Exaggerate to
absurdity.


The way to practice it is by doing what I call the stream-‐of-‐consciousness exercise.
At the dating Academy, we do this on a weekly basis just to get guys loosened up
and getting the creative juices flowing.
The stream-‐of-‐consciousness: you can do this on your own, any time. You're going
to be taking, so maybe you shouldn't do it when there are a lot of people around.
Basically, you take your phone, put on the timer, get that going, and you want to
just keep talking about whatever topic it is. You can pick a topic, like, a pencil, for
instance. You can talk about all the uses you can think of for using a pencil for
thirty seconds, and you cannot stop. Just keep going. Blah blah blah blah blah.
There is no way to make a mistake. If your mind goes off of pencils and onto
trees, go with it. Just keep going with the flow. Then practice getting to one
minute, then practice getting to two minutes, then try to get to five minutes.
What this'll help you do is to access that part of your mind that can just go off on
different tangents for a long time.
Let's say that she gives you an insult; maybe it is you have a shitty car. I don't
know. Right? You get to your car, she's like, "What the fuck's wrong with your car,
man? This is your car?" You could be really defensive like, "What do you mean?
It's really new!" Or, yeah, you could, "I got it from my dad." I don't know that you
can give these excuses. None of this will work as long as you're on that frame as
she is, which is, you've got a shitty car and now defend yourself.
However, if you just go with the flow and accept the premise ... so this is a
fundamental principal in improv comedy ... so, yes, yes it is a shitty car ... If she


says, "It's a shitty car," like akido, you just accept her and take the momentum.
"Yeah.
You should see my bicycle; it's awesome. I've got this banana seat I just installed
and a brand new ringer that can make the streamers that I've attached to my seat
go in this weird kind of wave formation. It's really awesome. You can't make fun
of my fucking car. You should see my bike."
That's an example of how you just go into absurdity. You must exaggerate to
absurdity. Now, with the emotional activation system, this whole style is part of
the rake style. If you're pushing her away, that's not the rake style. All right, so the
rake style is pulling her in, and using your emotions to pull her in.
Just being totally honest with how you feel about her, and letting that take over
and letting that be the power. If you're going to be doing push/pull and you're
going to be using the emotional activation system, take advantage of the pull
aspect of it, and it should be eighty percent pull, twenty percent push.
There are different styles of attraction, and you could do more of a push style,
which is the classic stylr., the David Angelo style of attraction. That takes longer, I
found, and it doesn't work so well if you got your shit together, you look
presentable and everything. She's just going to think you're arrogant.
Pull is great, though. Pull is the timeless, or, rather, the historical method of
seduction used by all the rakes in history. Okay. The other reason why pull is
necessary for the EAS system is the emotional activation system is predicated on


being completely honestly; you're just putting your emotions forward. If you like
her, then, to be honest, you should be pulling her in.
This is great for openers. Especially if you go to a place where you don't speak the
language, then you can't use fancy language. Then you can't use fancy language.
It's got to be, "Me like you," right? They understand the English word "beautiful"
in most of the world, so you can stop a girl and just say, "You! Give me your
number, now." She's like, "What? Why?" "What do you mean, why? Look at you!
You're beautiful. Number! Now!"
This is a very good approach in Asian countries. It's like, "What?" They're thinking,
"You can't really be asking this." She's thinking, "My English must be very poor,
because I don't understand what he's saying," so they look at their friends and,
"What is he saying?" My buddy, an Iranian guy used to do, "I'm in love with you,
stop. I'm in love with you." And they're like, "Did he say he's in love with me?"
Actually in English, "I'm in love with you kind of sounds like, I want to make love
to you."
So when you go to foreign countries they're like, "Did he just say he wants to have
sex with me?" They say to their friends. I understand the Chinese, so ... I'm like,
"Dude, they think you're propositioning them." Then he's like, "No, no, no, no, no.
I'm in love with you!" That's just pull, that's just pull on, that's his opener, "I'm in
love with you."
If she says, "Why?" It's like, "Look at you. Are you kidding me? Who wouldn't be in
love with you? I'm in love with you now." He gets on his knees. Proposes to her,


"Shall we do it here, or shall I take you to the wedding chapel? Do you want your
parents here? I can call them." This is all pull, right?
If it doesn't go well, it's just, do, you just want to tease her, you're like, "Oh, but,
we can't get married because," whatever, right? "Because you're too dorky; you
need to change your drink; I can't marry a girl who has a pink drink." That's push.
So you're always calibrating that. But always, this is fun, right? This is the section
about humor and fun, and the first step is always enjoyment. Okay?
When you're really doing sexual arousal, that's step three, which we haven't
gotten to yet, and it's a different set of emotions, so even if you use the words
from step three ... Remember what we said at the beginning? Words don't really
matter? So you use the words from step three at the beginning, which is step one.
Then the emotion's still the same; it's still enjoyment. Right? Think in terms of the
emotion, not so much in the words you're using.
Okay. Moving on now from humor to something that is more of a hallmark of step
two, which is this connection, appreciation, wonder, and this is vulnerability. All
right? Vulnerability. Now you get to this point, and if you feel fucking needy, it's
really foing to backfire on you. It should be selective vulnerability.
A good friend of mine said that honesty is the greatest aphrodisiac, and it is a
great aphrodisiac. When you are honest ... This is the whole EAS, the whole
system is predicated on honesty, right? When you put yourself out there, and
you're honest with your intentions, and your thoughts, and your emotions, people
will respond, because that's authentic.


You can be generally vulnerable from a strong place if you're a ten. We're going to
get into that more in detail later on. Okay, now I'll give you two techniques. The
first is secrets, and I've gotten a lot of mileage out of this. I kind of discovered it by
accident ... as with pretty much every technique. It was so powerful. Let me
explain to you how this works.
Once you've gotten to step two, at least ten minutes into the interaction,
sometimes when you're on the date, which is an hour or two hours or three hours
in, you're sitting there, you get along well, she's still there with you, you're not
fighting, does she like me enough to just listen to me, right? So you've passed
step one. Now you say this ... and hopefully this'll be honest and sincere, because
I meant it that way, so you should take that on.
"Look, I really want to get to know you because I really like you. I really want to
get to know you, but we don't have that much time. I don't have that much time.
But I want to get to know you. So, let's see, tell me a secret that no more than ten
people know." Vacuum. She will say, "What? No way. I'm not going to tell you a
secret. I don't have any secrets. I'm not going to tell you." I'm like, "Look. Okay,
fine. I'll go first, but then you've got to go. Right? Promise me? Pinky swear? Okay,
cool. Promise me? All right." Then you tell her a secret.
I'll give you a secret that I've used quite a bit; it's not so much of a secret
anymore. It's sexual, it has sexual overtones ... well, in this case, it's just explicitly
sexual, and you can judge for yourself. Here's the secret: "I lived in Beijing for a
few years, and one of the fuck buddies that I made was ... She said she worked in
a beauty salon.


About two weeks into our relationship, she told me, 'Actually it's not so much of a
salon, it's called a sauna ... in Chinese it's [inaudible 00:16:50]. It's a special kind of
sauna. There are saunas in China, and in much of Asia, which actually double as
brothels. But, in China, you can't just have a wide-‐open brothel, so the sauna has
to be a front.'
"So this particular sauna was five stories, and the first floor ... Families go to this
sauna. You bring your wife and your kids; they have family day there. The first
floor in men and women's changing rooms. You give them your shoes, they give
you a key and some sandals and you go in into the locking area. You change.
Everyone's naked. It's not exciting, because it's all dudes.
"Then you go to the second floor, which is massages, like, foot massage, there's a
buffet, and then there's some rooms for watching movies. Kids are running
around. Everyone's in bathrobes that are given to you when you get into the
changing room. On the first floor there should also be a lot of hot springs, pools,
of various temperature. If you've been to Japan, it's very popular, having public
baths.
"Anyway, that's the first few floors, and those are the family-‐friendly floors. Then
the third floor is completely just private massage rooms, and there it's usually,
you know, happy ending kind of massages.
"Then the top two floors are full-‐on brothels. You get in there and they bring out a
lineup of girls and you pick one like that. So she told me that she worked on one
of those, and I'm like, "Aw, man!" But she said she was the best there. Okay, so
she wasn't a prostitute.


"Then she said, 'The reason I'm telling you this is because we just got a new batch
of girls fresh from the countryside, and they're really young and totally
inexperienced. They are not being trafficked, by the way; they're paid very, very
well so that they end up ... one girl usually supports a whole family on what she's
getting. But anyway, it's kind of sad, because many of these girls were hurt by
some guy, and to get back at him, they joined this thing, and make a shitload of
money.'
"But this batch of twenty-‐four girls apparently were getting complaints. It's like
their second week in; they're getting all these complaints. There were three areas
in which they really, really did poorly on and got complaints on. The first is a
particular type of blow job; the second was going on top, which is more
challenging in Asia because of a particular position that's possible; and then this
other thing called the red rope.
"All right, so, she told me they needed help. They were using dildos, but that
apparently didn't work. Then they thought, yeah, just make them fuck, like ...
They wanted live feedback; they didn't want to just make them have sex with just
some guy, like, 'Hey, go have sex with this guy for free for practice; like, that's not
cool.' But then they thought, 'We do need live feedback, but if we always used the
same guy, and this guy is related to our boss, then it should be okay.'
"So she's like, 'Can you help me out?' I'm like, 'Let me think about that ... Fuck
yeah!'
"So this is what happened, man. They plugged me full of Viagra. I went in for four
hours in the afternoon; there were two shifts. They did not know how to dose


Viagra. I had never taken it before, and I didn't know what the dosage was, I just
took what they gave me. I ended up overdosing on it by the end of this time, and
having these huge splitting-‐head migraines and the veins of my head were
popping out by the end of it, but it was great at the beginning.
"I found out later, the typical Pfizer Viagra is supposed to be cut in quarters; they
just gave me the whole pill. I took four times the normal dose.
"So it lasted four hours, the pill, so they said we're going to come in for one hour,
and we'll take three girls; you'll do three girl shifts and the leader is going to
supervise it. We did it, three girls; then I had an hour break where I showered, we
all showered; and then I had another batch, and then I got to go home.
"The first one it's called Fire and Ice. Have you guys heard about that? Oh, you
have! Jeez. I won't ask why. Fire is, you take hot tea in your mouth, you blow a
guy. ... So they come with a tray of four cups. One is hot tea; the other one is just
full of ice cubes, that's the ice.
First you do the hot tea, and then you put ice in your mouth and you blow the
guy, and then this place had two additional cups. One was those jellies that come
in those ... you peel it off and you pop it out. You fill your mouth full of those
jellies and you blow the guy. Then the last one was this kind of rice krispy thing
that pops, bum bum bum bum bum when it hits heat.
"You put all those in your mouth and you blow the guy. So, it's hard, apparently,
to do blow jobs when your mouth is already full! There's tea going everywhere,
and then their mouth is numb from the ice and they started getting teeth on the


thing. But I was enjoying it because that was the first lesson. So I'm like, 'Ouch,
ouch,' or whatever.
"The next one was, going on top. When they go on top, in Asia, they squat, so
their feet are actually on the bed, whereas I think in the west they're on their
knees, so it's sort of like this motion. There they're doing the squat, and it takes a
lot more muscles. They end up just pushing on down on the guy so much, on his
stomach, and that's not pleasant. They practiced the squatting. We did that.
"About the middle of that practice, I was getting those headaches, and I had
already had sex with all of these girls that it sort of lost its novelty, and I got on
the phone with my buddy in Sol, he was in Korea at the time. 'Dude. I can't do this
shit no more, man. I can't do this. I need to take a break.' He's like, 'What the
fuck, man? Take one for the team! Do it for me!'
"Then the last one was called the red rope. They had Thai massage bars on the
ceiling; usually for Thai massage you grip them and you step on the person, right?
So in this case, they took a very strong red fabric and they looped it around the
bars; they tied them, and then they went upside down, and they hook their feet
upside down; they latch onto the guy, and then they spin around, and then they
let go, and it's supposed to go vum vum vum vum on the guy's dick. Yeah, it's
hard, man, and when they do it wrong, it's painful. And then they do various
positions on it.
"So, that's what I did. At the end of it, I kind of bonded with those girls, and
they're like, 'Come by anytime!' But I felt, I got really busy, so I couldn't, and then


I had some drama with this girl and I got beat up for her and everything ... stupid.
... But that was a transitional moment in my life. So that's my secret. Your turn."
And they'll always say, "I don't have anything like that." I'm like, "That's all right.
Whatever you got." At this point, look out, because I've had girls tell me they
were gang-‐raped, and girls tell me their dad sexual abused her when she was a
child, and so she's crying and shit ... All kinds of stuff comes out, so this is not
something that you should just trifle with.
You don't want to just play with this, like, throw it out any time. If you're going to
do this, and she's going to really share a secret, you really need to respect it, and
you'll get ... Yeah, there's a lot of ... The world's pretty messed up. You're going to
get a lot of baggage thrown at you.
But just the fact that that's happening will cement this connection in a very strong
way. You're going to create a secret .. or not create one, but find one. ...
Sometimes, at the beginning of this process, you might be leading a relatively
boring or mundane life. You know, I did, until I traveled a lot and pushed myself to
do more extreme things. It's okay, I think, to embellish a little bit at the beginning,
until your life actually matches what you want it to be.
So you get the idea about the secret, and I gave you the one that I used for a
while. Two other things, along the same lines as the secret, are childhood
regression using two moments. You set it up the same way, "I really want to get
to know you. We don't have that much time. Okay, tell me, what was the most
humiliating moment in your childhood or your youth? What was the most
humiliating or embarrassing moment?"


Of course she'll say, "I'm not going to tell you. I don't know. I'm not going to tell
you," whatever. Then you say, "All right, all right. I'll go first, but then you have to
go, promise, pinky swear," and all that. Then you lay on your humiliating moment,
and it's sort of like when you answer that newbie question, "What's your greatest
weakness?" And you say something like, "I work too hard sometimes and I can
never leave the office and I have trouble doing work-‐life balance." Right? It's one
of those things where, yes, it should be humiliating, but don't talk about that time
in the sixth grade where you shit your pants and everyone saw, okay? It should be
humiliating, but there is a lot of value there!
Okay, so you've got the most humiliating moment, and the other one's your most
frightening moment, your scariest moment. You set it up the same way. When a
girl or when somebody had shared with you a secret, has shared with you their
childhood, and thought back to it ... because they had to think back to it to tell it
to you ... their most embarrassing moment and their most frightening moment,
they're very open to you, and obviously you have to respect that.
One of the ones I use for most frightening moment is when my little sister, we
were both very young, and we were at camp. My little sister dove off this, into the
lake, and there were reeds in the lake, and she didn't really know how to swim
very well. Not that I knew how to swim very well. I was playing beach volleyball
and people came running to me, like, "Dave, Dave, something's wrong with Joyce!
Not coming up!" Her hand's coming up, you know? So I just dove in, ran in.
That was the most frightening moment of my life, and I thought, "Holy shit!" I just
dove in and I thought, "Man, this could be it." So that's an example of ... You're


actually showing a lot of attractive things about yourself, so don't say, "When my
sister jumped out of the closet and I peed!" Choose your moment well.
So let me recap for you. Approach and authority. It starts with your positive
energy. You've got to feel enjoyment, having fun, and so on. Remember, it's not
about the words. It's about how you feel, and transferring that, and it's about her.
Right? Learning about her. Being interested in who she is. Make it simple and
focus on the emotions.
We went over screening and qualifying as well. It's really simple, right? "Are you
x?" Get her to tell you that she is x, and then just say, "I like that you're x. I like
that about you." Just remember to do it. At the beginning, until it's natural for
you, you'll have to do it self-‐consciously ... or, not self-‐consciously. You'll have to
do it consciously.

Then lastly I went over humor, some humor techniques, to help to blast through
some defenses and challenges and so on, and to get her thinking about you
sexually, as well, in a humorous way. And then we went over, at the end, selective
vulnerability, how to open up and share some interesting things about yourself,
and prompt her to open up, as well.

THE DESIRE SYSTEM JASON CAPITAL

CHAPTER 7: JASON CAPITAL
This past weekend, I was in Las Vegas. I go there almost, all the time. Tons of
connections there simply because of these types of social skills we're looking at
here. By the way, not only when you go to Vegas and work on your social skills,
you don't just go to the club, but you know all the promoters and you sit at their
tables and they feed you bottles and girls and you're just like, this is great.
It's almost as if a 100 girls came back to LA. A couple days ago, I got a text from
this girl, it was like, hey when are we meeting up? I'm back in LA. Didn't save her
number, I'm like who is this? She's like, really? That's rude. She didn't give me her
name, she's like Google me. So I Googled her. Miss America pageant. She's like a
top ten last year in Miss America. Shit like that, okay. I didn't even save her
number. I didn't even care.
I don't send this to, well I send this to Brad. Also, I saved this to what you know,
you keep working on your shit. You know styling this shit. That's the limit. It better
be pushing them. Desire or attraction makes them want it. Tension makes them
want it now. Does everyone understand the distinction?
Anyone here ever read a girl’s desire? Or know what that feels like, when she's
interested in you and it feels pretty good. Is she lunging for your thrust in that
moment? She's interested right, it's cool. Attraction and desire makes her want.
Sexual tension especially if you swipe it makes her want it now. It sparks that
action OK, desire doesn't drive action, tension drives action.


Who here wants to be really wealthy at some point in their life? Who would
prefer to be really wealthy? Does that sound pretty good? Who here is actively
working all day long and thinking about it all day long, thinking about it all the
time getting wealthy? Small pointers and people are like all like this is the thing
you think about right? But the thing is how many people here have been broke
and homeless before?
Because the guy who was broke and homeless and he hit rock bottom, that guy
especially if he's like Jay-‐Z or something, he's thinking about money all the time.
Because hitting that rock bottom created a certain tension inside of him that just
drove him to action to think about it all the time. Most people here want to be
wealthy, they have the desire to be wealthy, they don’t have to be wealthy. You
guys are all probably comfortable enough financially. You have a TV, you have
food to eat, you get to go out sometimes.
Like it might not be the dream, but it's not so bad that it creates a certain type of
tension that you have to act on it right now. Does that makes sense to
everybody? When you spark sexual tension in a girl and you amplify that and it
just raises her so much, it's like she's like that broke homeless person like I have
to get rich now. She has to do something about that tension right away. You can't
just sit there with that tension.
Does everyone know they're going to have some really intense conversation with
someone where they're going to have to come clean about something, or have
like some really serious conversation with a friend. It eats at you a little bit right,
you feel that in your stomach and you're like nervous, you're kind of anxious but


you're also kind of excited. That's tension. And there's all kinds of tension. And
when you have that feeling, you can't think about anything else, you can't do
anything else. You have to do something about it.
So when you can spark that kind of tension in a girl in a positive way, right in a
sexual way, she has to do something about it with you. Does this make sense to
everyone? So tension makes them want it now. So once you're vibing with a girl
and you're having great conversation and it's all great. When it's time to get
physical, you can't just go for the physical, you have to make her want it first, you
have to make her want it now.
So when you're at that point where things are going well and you're like well you
know it's time to turn things physical. That's where you're headed you go to go
now, you got to go boom, I need to start sexual tension. Like this has got to
happen now, that's when you make that shift.
So there is a rule I teach some of my clients called the one-‐hour fallacy, I'm sure
some of you had this before. There was a different rule about called the 15
minute rule, where once my friends and I had a 15 minute rule for me where I
could be talking to a girl for 15 minutes, I would have made out with her like
within 15 minutes.
It was like my senior rule, it happened so often. This was shit like this, but they did
that then I gave them the one hour fallacy. You know that's fine, you guys have
the one hour fallacy, that's your problem. The one hour fallacy is guys have this
idea that had oh I made it to an hour talking to a girl. Like we've been talking for a
full hour, it's probably time to get physical. Everyone know what I'm talking


about, like you're like well I've been talking to a girl for long enough. Like we've
been talking for this long, she must like me. It must be time to get physical now.
And the problem is you get to that point and you're just like oh time's up, the
alarm's going off for me to go kiss her. Doesn't work that way, does not work that
way. You can do that, you can get to some point and it's great when that moment
hits. You can't just get physical, you have to spark that tension first. You have to
spark that tension first.
So you're like I'm talking, things are going great, boom boom. I'm like you know
what, it's time for me to get physical. I don’t go let me get physical first, I go OK
tension. You know let me spark this tension, and that's going to make it happen
for me. Tension is going to drive her action. Does anyone know what the fuck
sexual tension is, like what the fuck is tension. You can't see it right? I can point
you out and I can point you out, but what-‐ I can't point out tension.
Sexual tension, that energy is everywhere all the time, guys just block it with girls.
You're constantly blocking it and you don’t even know it. I have a friend of mine,
it's a mutual friend of ours actually. He's older, he's very very good with money.
He's fantastic, he has the best stories, that is phenomenal stories traveled the
world, he's been everywhere. He's been with shaolin’s and multibillionaires, like
he's done everything, he knows everyone, fucking awesome guy.
But he's been to the states those one time the sticking point, but I see his game all
the time. And he doesn't recognize it even when I try to tell him he doesn't get it.
And here's the problem, he has so many good stories, he has so many amazing
things to say when you talk to him, he's like a million miles a minute, boom boom,


and the girl she's like in awe right. It's just amazing it's like she's in awe, but when
he's like boom boom boom kiss, she's like whoa where did that come from. Like
I'm attracted to you, I admire you, this is very interesting, but like she didn't have
that tension, she didn't feel it. And that's his problem, he's blocking that tension.
Even with how great his stories are, and like he's just like-‐ he puts like 6 syllable
words together from like these amazing word creations and you're like-‐ like it's
amazing, really fucking amazing, but he doesn't spark that tension first. He's like
I'm amazing, I'm amazing, I'm amazing, let's kiss. And she's like well yeah you're
amazing, you're amazing, you're amazing, but hold up like slow down. Like wait,
it's two different things.
So he blocks the tension because he escalates which is when you want to create
sexual tension and then you want to spark it, you want to amplify it, you have to
slow everything down. Because if we say that we're still-‐ everyone here is still or
at peace right here. When I pause like that, everyone feels some type of tension.
If I move in close to you and I'm just like sort of like slowly coming at you. It's
weird as fuck right. Why is it weird as fuck? Tension. Because the tension is there
all the time, when you're talking to fast, you're breathing too fast, you're blinking
too fast, you're moving too fast.
You're doing all these things. All you're doing is just you're getting you're blocking
your tension. But when you can just relax, when you can just lean back and you
can be quiet and stand like more naturally because it's already there, that new
tension's great. And then she's like oh shit, I need to do something about this, OK
when you let it happen. Does it make sense to everybody, everyone feel that.


So if I'm with a girl and we're-‐ there's great conversation, we're vibing, things
going great. When I'm ready to get physical, I need to swipe that tension. The way
for me to do it is to actually just slow everything down. Breathing slows down,
even the blinking light slows down.
Everyone know who Osha is, everyone heard of this Osha. So he's like a spiritual
guru, long white beard, genius metaphors, hundreds of Roll Royces in the ground.
Fucking badass OK. But Osha one thing you do when you get interviewed on
camera, and she would blink 2-‐3 times per minute. And only because it would
make the other person so uncomfortable when you're doing it. As a kid, like in
India you literally practice and learn how to not blink ever. You ever try not to
blink, well he mastered it.
So we'd be in India, like India on CBS and the guy would ask him a question and
he'd just sit there for a minute. And the guy you could see his body language, like
he cannot physically handle that tension, so the guy's fingers are moving, he's
tapping his foot, he's like oh my gosh. But Osha's not doing anything, he's just
being himself.
He's letting the tension breathe, he's letting it sit there. And when you let her feel
that tension, now it sparks something in her, kind of hits that emotional brain of
hers and she's like OK I need to do something about this tension. You know the
tension thing, you know that before you make that move physically she has to
feel that tension first. And not just feel it, you need to like let it sit there and then
you need to play with it. You need to be able to play with it, spark it and take it
away, spark it again and take away, amplify it and make it bigger. And until it's like


this giant like blue light of tension around her, and she can't think, can't see, all
she thinks is what, I need to do something about this tension.
By the way, you're the one creating the tension, you're the one who can take it
away, and you do that by getting physical with her; you’re actually giving her a
very nice gift. You need to master tension yourself, so if you're going to be the
one who's going to be letting that tension sit there, and you're going to be the
one who's going to be able to push those the buttons two steps forward and one
step back and taking away, amplify it, make it grow bigger.
If you're going to be the one who's going to be like puppeteering and engineering
this whole thing, as a man you need to be, you need to master tension yourself. It
needs to be nothing to you. Most guys cannot handle tension, by the way that
tension that's created, it's all the same whether it's physically engineered,
whether it's emotionally engineered.
So that emotional tension you might feel when you're that close to the girl that
you're interested in, you want to sit there. Or that tension when I don’t know,
everyone has done an isometric squat, like a wall sit and you feel that burning in
your thighs, but tension there right is muscular tension, feels the same. And the
way most guys handle tension is they freak out about it.
What does someone's face look like when they're doing a wall sit. Does it look like
they're handling the tension, or is it more like they're like, burn right. It's tension,
they can't handle it. So you need to learn how to master that tension, so when
you're with her, it's like nothing to you, it's almost like you're totally detached.
And you're just making things happen, which does wonders for you.


Four ways to do this, match the tension, I'm going to show you right now. OK so
number one obviously is definitely talk and experience OK, fail a lot with girls.
Consciously be aware that oh I understand there's tension right now and I know
Jason said like handle it but I'm kind of freaking out right now, but like that's OK.
It's called progressive desensitization, if you put yourself through a few times
eventually you're going to become more comfortable with it.
Number two, has anyone ever taken a cold shower? Or cold bath, or had a bucket
of ice water or anything like that. What kind of face did you make when you were
in a cold shower, like when you changed the water from hot to cold. Not pleasant
right, holy shit right. Tension, that's the same tension, feels the exact same thing.
If it's illogical it's the same exact thing. So I'm fucking weird and obsessive about
this shit, that's how I got real good.
So what I did was I like oh you know tension, cold shower, tension, master cold
shower, master women. That was my motto. Master cold shower, master women,
this will be perfect. So if you go in the shower and you go really hot water for 60
seconds, then you turn it to cold and you handle it for like 20-‐30 seconds, go back
and forth three or four times, actually creates a pumping effect in your lymphatic
system that kind of cleans you out, it's actually good. So what I do is I go hot for
like 60 seconds, I go cold for 60 seconds, I go as cold as I can handle. I stand there
in the shower, come here and stand right now.
So I was in the shower and it was amazing, right and water came down on me. But
I was like let it came everywhere, you know your cerebellum let it get
everywhere. And see how good you can handle that tension, so instead of you


freaking out and being like oh my gosh, see if you can like relax your jaw. A
clenched jaw and tension are totally connected, but a relaxed jaw is like it's like
your anger relaxed OK. You can relax your jaw with cold water coming down you,
like really cold water, you can handle it. If you can handle cold water, you can
handle anything. So that was one way literally like being able to just have this
water come on you and you can stand and totally relax.
When I played basketball I had sports psychologist for a few weeks and he taught
me one exercise that actually transfers really well to getting girls and stuff. Also
really good to train your prefrontal cortex and your ability to focus. So what you
do is you take a TV OK you turn the TV on, and it's sitting on the desk or
something like that. You stand 7-‐10 feet away will be fine whatever. What you're
going to do is put something on top of the TV OK, it could be a little Power
Rangers action figure, it could be a dildo, purple dildo, anybody have a purple
dildo, anything. Put something on there, and stand right, and you're going to put
the TV underneath.
All you're going to do, is see that thing, is you're just going to relax, again totally
just get relaxed, relax that jaw, maybe a little smirk on your face like you're
looking at your own right, and you just look at that thing. You're just bringing it
right there. And what you're doing is you're focusing, pick one specific-‐ don’t pick
the purple dildo, but one specific-‐ all right let's go with the power rangers action
figure right that was my favorite.
So just stare at that dot, OK one point on it and what you're doing is you're
focusing right on that dot and it's training your ability to focus when things are


going on around you. So the TV is commercial, it's changing and shit, it's on me
right now. But you're focused on that. You notice if your attention goes away
from it, don’t get mad, don’t judge, all you say to yourself and you go recognize
and return to here. You notice your attention goes away so you recognize it and
then you return, you just go back to it. And see if you can hold it, if you can hold it
for three minutes, then you're good. And what this does again you're saying OK,
notice when I was before when I was standing still and I went closer to him then
everyone in the fucking room can feel the tension.
It's there all the time, so when I'm doing this the tension is still there. So even if
no one's in the room I can imagine that there might be a girl there or something
and you just focus on that spot. And focus on your ability to be relaxed as you're
doing that.
When I was training for basketball, there was an exercise that was called the
challenge that I would take on the basketball team. It's called the 5 minute
isometric lunge hold, you know so that means you get into a deep lunge like this
and you would hold it for 5 minutes. Good competition on the team, of course the
burning starts at 30 seconds, suicide thoughts starts at about 3 minutes. But you
try to make the 5 minutes. And what happens is how much tension do you think is
being created in your body at that moment.
Most guys you see on a team like your body will literally start shaking after about
2 and half minutes, because there's so much tension just everywhere. It's like this
electrical charge. But if you can remain relaxed, and again when you're a girl if


your foot's moving because there's tension you're like you can't handle it, that's
fine.
But if your face if you look relaxed, eventually it'll make you relaxed anyway so
you know the mind tells the body. But to her it just looks like you're relaxed
anyways so if you can hold a deep lunge for 3 minutes and you can have a relaxed
face and be totally cool about it, I mean inside if your insides are churning, on the
outside like you're just totally relaxed, it's really good practice.
Again one on one, attraction makes them want it, desire makes them want it, but
tension makes them want it now. Point number two you have to master tension,
nothing to you. It has to get to the point where it's just like nothing to you. It's an
empty bottle of coke, this is nothing, literally nothing, that's number two. The
reason for that is point number three, which is now that you've mastered it, now
that it's no big deal to you, now you can play with it.
So now we said, when you talk to the girl who's total into you and you're super
nervous around her. And you couldn't handle all that tension you were feeling
inside, and that was preventing you from saying that amazing line, from doing
that amazing thing, from pulling the trigger when you knew you should have
pulled the trigger. Well now all of a sudden that that tension means nothing to
you and it's gone, it's like all that shit that was blocking you before, it's just
opened up you know, clear.
Who here is like yeah right now sitting here right now I would know what say in
that situation, like I know the right thing to do or the right thing to say. Like I
studied enough psychology again does everyone feel like that. Or if you could get


a couple minutes to Google on your phone you could find the right thing to
though. Everyone pretty much do that? It's right there right? Then why don’t you
do it?
The emotional circuitry in your body is like blocking the frontal cortex. But if you
get rid of the tension means nothing to you, clears it up you can think clearly, you
can do anything correctly. So you have to master tension so then you can-‐ when
you're with her again you can spark the tension and then you can amplify it until
she can't handle it anymore. And when she can't handle it anymore that's when in
her mind she's like kiss me. So this is my new story.
A couple years ago I met the girl in a bar where I tend to get girls. She was a ten.
Her eyes were green eyes, and she had like this tan skin that just like looking in
the sun. So we were talking we were getting things were going wild like everyone
at that, and they're going back to her place that night. And at this point I was like,
I was kind of at the point where you just like the female validation, you're just like
oh just tell me I'm hot.
Eventually I'll past that point and I'll just put on like my evil scientist face or evil
genius face. I'm like fuck with these people dude, this I funny. Right so at this
point I come up with this idea where I was going to create and spark tension so
much in this girl that just to see how far I can get, so she just like convulses. I just
wanted to see how far I can go right.
So back at her place, of course I'm sitting on her bed, and she like moved on my
lap. And I was sitting on the bed, she's sitting on my lap, and like kind of moved
my arm around her, we’re looking at each other. And I talked right, a few inches


away, of course I know tension it's like skyrocketing. You know for me you know
I'm weird and sit in cold showers, so I can handle it. I doubt that she does, so this
probably like is a lot of tension for her.
So we're a couple of inches away, and I'm just like you know that moment like
right before two people kissed for the first time, you can feel that tension. And
I'm leaning closer, she's like oh my gosh. And I'm just like dude, I love that
moment, and I just throw it away and walk away. Like we were sitting there right,
everyone understands this right now so if you get this right, I sat back in the
tension.
In the tension right before two people kiss, notice everything slows down. Right
so now we're talking and laughing, now the tension's time to be built or anything,
slow down it works, slow down, three glances, slow down, blinking, slows down,
get in the tensions. So it's like I want that moment. Right, so by that point she
knows that I did, she's like no come back all right.
I'm like no I'm like no I want to take it slow. I don’t want things to happen, I like
you OK. And I like just storm out the house, right. And as I walk out I'm like why
the fuck did I just do that. Fuck fuck fuck shit, why did I do that? I did it anyway, I
was being weird. She texted me the next day, I literally wake up to a text from
her.
She said it better than I ever could. She literally said, all she said was you need to
come over today so we can do something about this tension. That was it, OK. And
it was literally, most likely she couldn't think about anything that night, she woke


up thinking about it simply because people cannot handle that tension. It
overcomes everything.
The tension is always there OK. It's always there, it's always there. It's there for
you. You have to one, spark it, it means like two things like create a spark right,
and then you light the fire, then you need to amplify it, spark and amplify, spark
and amplify. So the way you do this is two steps forward, one step back, two
steps forward, one step back. Just master that, understand that no back. Now
when you are still kind of controlled by emotions and that tension kind of controls
you, this is harder to do.
In the beginning, maybe you're talking to a girl for a couple minutes, and you
thought it's going well. But it's kind of slowing down and you know like oh shit
and you ignore her for a couple seconds it'll get her more interested in me, you
can handle that and that's easy. But when you guys are alone in a corner, and you
know you need to spark that tension, and you need to do it be taking a step back
it can be harder to do because you found that effect you don’t want to take it
away.
Even though that's going to spark tension. So two steps forward, one step back.
That was the original way to do it, OK I've innovated OK this is what I do. I have
innovated, I've created a new thing OK. It's now two steps forward, one step
blank. Two steps forward, one step blank. Basically it means you're showing some
interest in her, so like personal interest in her. So that could be as much as like
asking her a personal question, that's showing interest in her.


It could be grabbing a hold of her hand, it could be giving her a high five, it could
be picking her up and moving her, whatever it is. Anything that shows interest is
like that's one step forward. You know it's two steps, you slap hands high five and
move your fingers interlaced, that would be two steps. Two right, two steps
forward. One step blank.
So let's use that again. So you give her a high five too then your fingers interlace
that's a pretty good time right, everyone understand that when a girl interlaces
her fingers with you it like a subconscious sign that she feels some type of
attraction and connection with you, that's good, that can be really good. But if
you want to spike attention in that moment, one two steps forward, one step
blank so you hold it there high give, and it interlaced, and then once step blank,
take a step back, you're going to blame a thing on her.
So we did this, and I throw her hands away, and I might say something like wow
that was really cute, stop being so cute right now, OK stop making me think you're
so cute right now. You're blaming your interest, your attraction whatever you feel
for her on her. OK this is like the most devious conflict ever, but it's not fair. It's
really not fair. OK so that-‐ my favorite thing to say to a girl is like seriously stop
doing that, like why are you doing this to me.
OK my favorite, why are you doing this, stop it, OK stop making me think about
how good our sex would be right now, don’t make me think about it, stop I hate
you, go, leave, this friendship over, OK come here come back, OK you don’t keep
pushing two steps forward, one step blank OK. And it's very simple, you don’t
need to make her like you, just act the role, just play the character for a little bit.


My favorite things to do is just imagine if you were a really hot girl and a guy was
putting moves on you and he would like make you feel attracted to him, and you
didn't like it, or you wanted him to stop. So half the time-‐ so if I liked a girl who
like I'm talking to you right now, and she says something really cute, I'm like OK
like that's really funny and I actually really like that about you but you need to
stop being so funny right now or I'll snap.
Things are going to happen and we can't have that, like we don't want that, you
need to stop now, OK seriously you need to slow down. You're a good one, OK
stuff like that OK. Two steps forward, and you blame it on her. And the reason this
works so well is because we as human beings are very sensitive to the roles and
expectations that other people put on us.
We actually conform to them a lot of times, especially if it's coming from like a
strong positive friend. So if you are telling her like seriously why are you doing this
to me, like why are you making me like you right now, you need to stop. What
kind of role does that put on her?
Her role is she's making me like her. So out of nowhere I just made it seem like
she was the one coming on to me, she was making me like her. And because it's
funny it's passively accepted, no one listens to it. And if passively accepted, that's
it, it's over, it's done. Everyone get that concept?
I don’t know who told me this story, but there's like as soon as get it when I was
younger my grandmother used to fuck with me, and like whenever I'd stay at her
house for the summer and she'd like make cookies or something, she would call
me in for like hey stop playing the field like-‐ she'd be like hey come like I made


these cookies, come eat them. And I was like no I'm playing football I can't come
in whenever. And she's like OK, fine you can't have any of them.
The minute she would say you can't have it, you're like no I want some and you
would start running in. Because it wasn't the-‐ she was like when you're showing
interest like you're offering your own cookies, and she's like I don’t want them.
But then when she verbally stated no you can't have any, then it's like-‐ the
tension is sparked, the tension drives the action, and if there's mutual brand of
circuitry hard runs he's like no I want it. He comes running, and then he starts
running, and she's like fine you can have all them, he's like OK I win, don’t worry
about it. But it's just tempting.
I was out in LA and I just moved to LA from San Diego before this and I brought
my brother and a couple of his friends we were at this bar. I end up meeting this
girl there who was like, I called her like a wand, my mind's like a whining smart
girl. Like every girl notices in LA knows they're like they’re going to be models
right, most of them are models. None of them are modeling, but they're all
models.
So we meet them in the bar, and we're like bullshitting. She's like interested in me
at some point in the conversation she's like you're just like a typical LA guy, you're
just a typical LA asshole like that happening. I'm like that's interesting, like what
do you mean, just curious. She's like well you guys are all just like cocky and cool
and like everything and I'm like yeah this is all pretty much thought of. What do
you mean?


She's like well none of you guys are smart and all these stupid like cools guys.
She's like do you read books. I usually find girls out all the way. By the way you
should always steal shit from girls, good shit and bad. Most of the time that
actually comes from girls. She's like do you even read books. So now when I'm
talking to a girl, I'm like you know what there's this great book I just thought of
that like I would totally recommend to you if I thought you read books.
I steal all my best shit from girls. And I liked her and I was like I'll play with her, I'll
give her a little bit. I was like yeah you know what actually I just read this book
online, it's called Atlas Shrugged you ever heard of it bitch? It's 800 page book.
She's like no way you read Ayn Rand. We started talking about that, and that's
what ironically really turned her on. She's telling me like that Atlas Shrugged is
Ayn Rand's best book and by the way a great way to get attention, two steps
forward, one step back.
One of the ways to take a step back if you're not going to put blame on her, is to
playfully disagree. Anytime you playfully disagree, it sparks tension. So she tells
me that Ayn Rand and Atlas Shrugged is the best book that Ayn Rand ever wrote.
I'm like playfully disagreeing with her right. I'm like no Fountainhead is much
better, but I'm like telling her that Fountainhead argument about Ayn Rand's best
book.
Now this doesn't seem like anything today, it's just words who cares the tops of
the words, then that it's the emotions that matter. And it's playfully disagree and
she's saying this and I'm saying this, and it’s like that tension keeps going between
us, keep sparking and amplify they're coming to see her. So then eventually we're


settling down the bar and then I'm like I always ask one thing like do you consider
yourself a spontaneous person.
She says yes, I'm like cool let's go. She's like what, you're spontaneous let's go. So
I take her out of the bar, we start making out in the street, and my thing is always
because I'm taking a girl home and we're making out and then I'll like stop and I'm
like no, no, and just stop and I'm a good boy, I don’t do this, and I'll just start
walking away.
Of course she comes running after me to do it again, remember at one point like I
had her pressed against a window at a Verizon store. And like eventually you
always want to keep making out with her for like 10 minutes then it’s like oh this
is the guy who just wants to get laid. Like you need to keep giving her some, take
it away, giving her some, taking her toy.
So we end up doing that for a while until she's like, again you do this enough the
emotions go haywire there's no how to control. It's just like you just use the weed
on the drink. So I'm like you know right on 26th street and drive one down just
like you know what, I never been to the ocean in LA we're going now. OK we get a
taxi, go to the ocean, end up going-‐ this is where it gets cool by the way.
When you start doing this for girls, they like this kind of shit. Like the spontaneous
like funny side, lot of tension but it's enjoyable to them. And so it's like opening
up a different side to them they don’t usually get to show. So we're going to the
ocean, I'm just thinking like we're going to put our feet in the water and she starts
taking off all her clothes. I'm like what are you doing, she's like we're going skinny
dipping aren't we? I was like fine. Fine.


So we end up doing that, in the ocean. I found out the next day there was like a
shark sighting that they had, ballsy. And of course I lived on 6th street at the time
so I'm like six blocks from the ocean. It was very simple, like I had just made out
with her in a bar and I'm like let's go here, let's go here. That's just two steps
forward, two steps forward, two steps forward. OK but it was like we're going
forward, I know we need to stop, you need to stop, you need to stop.
Here's the thing, you can't rest on the fact that you seduced her last week. You
have to seduce her everyday, that's your job as a man. You need to turn her on,
you need to spark that tension, you need to do that everyday sir. Otherwise if
she's not getting that from you, she'll just get it from someone else.

THE DESIRE SYSTEM SEXUALITY

CHAPTER 8: SEXUALITY
Remember, sexuality is first and foremost emotional and unconscious. It's not
logical or conscious. The words and techniques are there to move things along,
but you can't move something along that's not there, so the sexuality originates
before the words.
Let's get into sexual tension. This is step three in the three step process.
Remember step one was enjoyment, step two was appreciation, and now we're in
step three, which is sexual tension or arousal. Arousal is the dominant emotion.
Once you can arouse or call up arousal relatively easily, then you'll have basically
this step covered. It's just about calling up arousal and letting it transfer. In this
cluster of emotions are included desire, lust, and it's characterized by slow
motions, smooth, controlled. Slow, smooth, and controlled.
To do step three correctly and properly, you need to be comfortable with
sexuality, so if you have any hangups from your Catholic upbringing or whatever,
it'll start coming out at this step, and you need to eventually deal with those.
You've also go to be comfortable with physical touch, and again if you were raised
in a very conservative setting or you have other psychological hangups, you're
going to have to get comfortable with just touching people. Just get comfortable
touching platonically first, and then you can proceed to the sexual.
It's important that you learn about female psychologically, but here's a shortcut
to it, just get some books. Here are the books you should get and read. All right,
so I'm referencing other research. The first thing you should do in this regard,


sexual tension, to learn about female psychology, is to read and understand
women's fantasies. Especially in Asia, where there's a lot of conservative societies,
men are shocked that women actually enjoy sex.
I think it's getting more common to believe this, but it's still one of those things
that are like, "What? You mean she doesn't want me to marry her before we have
sex?" Understand female psychology. Go to this great book called, "What Do
Women Want?" "What Do Women Want?" written by Daniel Bergner. A lot of the
latest research in this area. Okay, so go to that. It's in some places overstated, but
just so you get the general thrust of the research, it's a good place to go.
A classic called "My Secret Garden," Nancy Friday. You guys might have heard
that, you might have read it. As a guy it's kind of slugging through these things,
you know, so it's not the sort of book you read from cover to cover ... Maybe you
do and I worry about you. Just so you get an idea, read a little bit of each section,
and I think you'll find some surprises there, "My Secret Garden". You can also
read romance novels or harlequin romances unless you, again unless you're not a
normal guy, you'll probably feel like this is difficult to get through, and that's okay,
that's normal.
When you're trying to generate a sexual vibe, there are obviously two
components: verbal and nonverbal. First we're going to talk about the verbal,
then we'll go to the nonverbal. As you know though, the nonverbal is more
important than the verbal, but the verbal especially here is important, right? So
you're taking it from just polite conversation to "I like this about you". I and you,
it's personal.


Now, the next level is sexual, and it's pretty easy. All you do is insert in the
qualification, a sexual word. Here's some examples. You can use these words: hot,
attractive, beautiful, pretty, alluring, ravishing, gorgeous, stunning, and striking.
"That's kind of sexy. Don't do that. When you do that you're really hot, and I don't
want to think these things about you."
You're showing sexual interest, and it's just putting it out there that I'm actually
sexually attracted to you so she knows, but you don't want to dwell on it. You
could say, "Not only are you sexy, but you're also adventurous, that's really cool,"
so you've actually buried the transition to the sexual level within your personal or
semi-‐platonic qualification. It's a really subtle way of doing it. That's the first step.
If you're not used to taking it to the next level, or this is also very useful in social
settings where it may not be socially acceptable to just go make out, for instance
a business networking event or a housewarming party where there are older
people in attendance, like your uncle and aunt. You don't want to just push her up
against the wall and like, "Let's make out." You can do it with words that are very
classy. Here are some examples
• "That's very attractive. Hmm, interesting," Just throw that out there.
• "I find you attractive." Or you can bury it with the earlier qualification.
• "Not only are you intelligent, but you're actually pretty hot. Didn't expect
that."
Also, you can use sexual innuendo. In fact, if you get good at this, you just end up
using it all the time not knowing it. It's kind of annoying when you're talking to


dudes or dudes are doing it on you. Like, "Don't use that word!" Here are some
more examples:
• "My legs are aching."

• "My headache is banging."
• "I see you come from a good place."
• “Erect, "Please stand erect".
• "I just erupted with excitement".
• "Finger's a little sore". "My finger's aching."
• "I can see it's hard for you."
• "How do you feel inside?"
• "I like it when a girl is open ... minded to things that I like to think about".
• "My head is pounding from this aching headache."
• "My head is throbbing so hard right now, I need an aspirin."
• "I love how you're so uninhibited. It gives me the urge to do something that
I really shouldn't be doing."
It's easy to throw these innuendos in there. Now we're moving to the nonverbals.
There are two components that I'm going to be covering: tonality, the sound of
your voice, and eye contact.
Tonality. You just need to remember two words: slow and smooth, slow and
smooth. If you have a musical background, it's going to be a lot easier for you to
understand this. Think of it in terms of legato versus staccato. There's some
accents like the Singaporean accent that lends itself to staccato, and staccato's
basically like a little dot above the note, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh.


The Indian accent, most Indian accents are also like this. It's just hard for them to
sound sexy. There are romance languages though, French , Italian, and Spanish
that there's just the sound of the language, it's more legato. Legato in musical
notation, the notes are there and there's just a long curve above them or below
them, and that's just dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah dah versus duh, duh, duh, duh.
Now the idea is you want to sound as legato as possible.
So as Jason was mentioning, when you're starting to build tension, you slow
everything down. You slow everything down. Use the pauses, as I was saying.
Become very comfortable with pausing, with silence. You create the tension, you
create sexual tension in your voice using slow and smooth tonality. Now, for three
years I just did slow and smooth tonality all the time, like I was saying, just to
practice it. I was lucky because I was a PhD student, so I had no other
responsibilities other than writing the thesis, so everywhere I went, I was just
speaking really slow and smooth.
"Hey, what's up? Great to see you, man. Come on over. Cool." When I'm ordering
dumplings I would say, "I would like carrot and the pork, thank you very much.
That's very good. Thank you."
And I would just talk like this all the time. Then I went to university as a lecturer,
as a professor, and I delivered my lectures like this, "Confucius, who first in the
5th century BCE, taught that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." What happened was,
the guys in the class fell asleep and sometimes the girls who were interested in
me would just kind of look. They're not taking notes though. Nobody's listening to


the words I'm saying, and I found that this is counterproductive to keeping
people's attention.
I recommend to you, if you can, to just keep doing slow and smooth tonality for
three months consistently so that it becomes second nature to you. A lot of guys
cannot just do it mechanically. The worst thing you can do is say, "Okay, I'm going
to be slow and smooth, so I'm going to slow down now, and this is how I will talk."
That's slow, and it's sort of smooth too, I guess. But it's not what we're after.
What you need to do, just like for everything else that we're teaching here, is you
have to have the right emotions. When it comes to slow and smooth, you have to
feel seductive. In other words, think you got to relax.
Here's a little biochemistry for you. The erection works like this: blood flows down
there, all right? ED pills were originally created to help old people lower their
blood pressure, that was originally what it was for. Then they found all the blood
kept rushing to one area, and then it became an ED pill, but when it started out, it
was blood pressure. You can't get an erection, and a woman cannot get an
orgasm unless she's relaxed. You might have heard this, this is actually true
medically.
If you're nervous, you're not going to be able to do it. That's why you get these
experiences when you're first doing it. If you've got too much in your head, you're
not relaxed. So the first thing you got to do is relax. To get slow and smooth
tonality correctly, you have to be able enter relaxation at any point.
A great way to practice this is meditation, if you can take some mediation classes
or just get used to controlling you breathing. One of the best ways to do it, if you


want to create tension, is to breathe deeply from your abdomen, not your chest.
Tomorrow we might be talking a little bit, hopefully we'll have enough time to talk
about how you use that to achieve multiple orgasms as a man, but it's all in a
breath. Breathe deeply.
Now, psychologically, the way that I enter slow and smooth tonality was by
thinking of a memory. When I tried to do it, the first times, the first few times I
tried to do it, it didn't work. My mentor at the time was telling me, "Oh, it's not
working." He came up with these various ideas. One of them was, what he did
was he thought about getting a blow job from his girlfriend.
I didn't have a girlfriend who was giving me blow jobs, so I couldn't do that.
Instead I was stuck. I don't know, I'm artificially doing it. Then he asked me,
"What's the most relaxing place that you've ever been to?" At that time for me it
was Bali, so I thought about being on the beach in Bali, and the waves coming in.
It was an empty beach, Jimbaran Bay, for anyone who's been there, the sun is
setting, they're cooking, grilling seafood behind you, it was gorgeous.
When I entered that space, my heart rate slowed, my breathing became deeper,
right? Then I was able to read a menu with slow and smooth tonality and have it
work. If we had time we could just go around, because often you can't tell
whether you're doing it correctly. That's the idea, slow and smooth.
There's a great example from the movie "Eyes Wide Shut". In the beginning of the
movie, Nicole Kidman is at this party with Tom Cruise, and there's a Hungarian
guy, the villain in the movie. She puts down, she's kind of drunk, tipsy, she puts
down her champagne glass, looks away, and this Hungarian guy this old guy


comes over and he picks up the glass and she looks at him just as he's doing that
and she says, "Uh, I think that's my glass you have," and he says, "Oh, I'm
absolutely certain of it," and he drinks it all slowly. For the rest of that, while
they're dancing together, he's got amazing tonality.
That's it for tonality. I could say a lot more, but that's the core of it: slow and
smooth. Slow and smooth and get into a relaxed state to do that. Eye contact. I'll
give you some basic pointers on eye contact. The EAS, the emotional activation
system, it works through eye contact, so if you're not making eye contact with
her, it is very difficult to project your emotions or to transfer your emotions.
I've done this over the phone with travel agents at trip.com. She's got a hot voice,
let's do this. It's hard, this is a great way to practice just doing it through tonality
alone, but it's a lot slower. There's a reason why eye contact is important.
Confident people look each other in the eyes when they're speaking to each
other, so that's the first conduit. If she's not picking up all of the facial action units
and the micro communications, the sub-‐communications that are happening,
micro expressions, then it's hard for her primitive parts of the brain to feel what
you're feeling, okay? So eye contact is key.
Now I notice nobody in here has, oh one guy has glasses. I used to wear glasses,
then I wore contacts. One of the problems with contacts is they get dry, especially
if it's in a climate like California, but even in Michigan I was blinking a lot because I
had bad contacts. What I discovered was, the less I blinked, the more powerful
the emotional transference is; the less I blinked, the less of a breakage there is. If
you have glasses, that's actually a physical barrier.


I almost think of it like Cyclops, you know the X-‐men? Take it off like "vrrom".
When I forget that, I'm doing everything correctly verbally and maybe even body
language, but I'm blinking a lot because I'm a little tired, or I'm not focusing on
the eyes, nothing happens. We just have a nice, polite conversation. Then when I
remind myself, "Okay, eyes. Eyes lock in," then the magic starts to happen. It's a
necessary component.
Okay, so blink rate. Blink no more than once every five seconds. I actually studied
in movies where there are sexual, sexy stereotypes, and I actually counted how
long between blinks, and the average, if the shot doesn't cut away, where you're
actually watching this guy the whole time he's talking, it's something like once
every thirty seconds or so that Ryan Gossling or Tom Cruise or Leonardo DiCaprio
will blink. There's this great clip you could find on YouTube, and maybe we could
find it here for you by Michael Caine on blinking. He says…
“If I keep blinking, it weakens me, but if I'm talking to you, and I don't blink, and I
just keep going, and I don't blink, and I keep on going, and I don't blink, and I keep
on going, and I don't blink, and I just keep going, and I don't blink, and I keep on
going, and I don't blink, you start to listen to what I'm saying. That makes me a
very strong person as opposed to someone who is sitting there going.”
Not blinking is so important. Also, when you do blink, blink slowly. You might go,
right? Okay, well you can see it right away. If I'm talking to you like this, "Hey
what up? You're beautiful." Okay, man, that's kind of hard to do. Versus, let me
just do once every five seconds, that's the minimum. "Hi," then I'll blink slowly


now. I learned that from girls, blink slowly, because they'll do this like, it just
changes. Blink slowly and deliberately.
Focusing on your eye contact and the blink rate will help you focus on the tension
you're creating. Powerful people can hold and maintain tension. Get comfortable
creating tension and holding it. Be the one who instigates the tension. If you're
not used to making eye contact with people, and I know in my ... Where I was
raised, Christian context, Asian context, it's kind of a submissive culture, right?
You defer always to authority, you don't want to look the superior in the eye, you
want to bow a lot, there's a lot of bowing and things like that. Maybe you're not
used to eye contact, I wasn't.
A good rule of thumb for me was right eye to right eye. You want to look across
the face and just go right into the right eye. This is assuming you're right eye
dominant. If you're right handed, you're probably right eye dominant. If you don't
know, you can ask your optometrist, he has a test that can determine for you.
Let's say you're right eye dominant, look at the other person's right eye and let
go, and now it's right eye to right eye.
When you're talking to them, try not to blink and just focus on the right eye. Don't
move all the way around. I used to look at the middle, look at the nose; if you're
off the eye line, people can tell. It's really weird. If you look just above
somebody's eyebrow, it's this really weird thing like, "What are you doing?
I had this friend in the PhD program who had problems with that. He kept looking,
I'm like, "What? Is there something on my face?" But he'll talk to you like this, see
how weird this is? I'm talking to you, but I'm not actually looking in your eye, I'm


looking right here. You're like, "What's going on?" Don't do that, don't make
people freak out, go dominant eye across their face to the same eye, so right eye
to right eye or left eye to left eye.
Here's another great little trick or habit that you should start to develop. When
you want to build sexual tension, but you want it to be under the radar, here's a
really great technique. It's basically where you're going, it's sort of like imagining
there's caramel or taffy between your eye and the other person's eye.
If you want to create tension with this person and it's a group setting like a
conference or something like or a classroom, basically you just focus in on that
person's eye. As you're looking away, you keep the eye contact, all right?
Normally people will look wherever their face is pointed, but now you're going to
do this, so there's a little delay.
The first time I noticed this, it was in a classroom with a professor who for some
reason liked to do this, I think he was giving special attention to you if you gave a
good answer, but it was sort of weird. You had a good answer and he's like,
"That's very insighftul." It's like to me, "Okay,' that's weird". But it's very effective,
very under the radar. All of these techniques are.
A lot of guys have trouble, if they're not used to looking at beautiful women, and
ten years ago I definitely wasn't, no disrespect to my ex-‐wife, but other than that,
I wasn't, so if beautiful women still make you nervous, here's what you can do.
This is what I did for everyday for a while, for a year or two. Go to YouTube, there
is a video that Jessica Alba has done on, it's a staring contest and she just looks at
the camera to do this dare. Over a minute she doesn't blink. She smiles a lot and


there's music in the background, so just practice your various eye contact
techniques.
The dominant emotions in step three are arousal, desire, and lust. Women want
to be desired, fantasized about, and taken by powerful men. Once you accept
that, you actually realize that you're becoming what they want you to be, so that
there's no guilt or any Catholic weird stuff going on.
This is for their own good as well. They actually want you to be this way. If she's
looking at you at step three, she's hoping you're going to be a man and step up
and give her this fantasy that she's been having. That's why you should read
about the woman's fantasies. They're different from men's fantasies, just like
women's porn is different from men's porn. That's a whole other class.
Two techniques that are eye contact techniques for building sexual tension that
are so easy to do, you can practice them anytime you want. With your secretary
or whatever, right?
The first one is triangular gazing, it's really easy if you've never done this, go
ahead and try it, it's really easy. Again you look at Jessica Alba or Kate Upton to
practice this, it's really simply. It's just basically in the hypnotic pace, you go one
eye, the other eye lifts in a triangle. Boom, boom, boom, and you can do this
anytime. Okay, it's that simple. What it does is, it draws the person's eyes to your
lips. It's strange, but it's that same mechanism. The eyes, just going to follow your
eyes and just like, "Hmm, I don't know why, but I feel drawn to his lips." You're
actually doing that to her through triangular gazing. Try it out, it's a lot of fun.


Sexual state transference can be considered just a technique that's an eye contact
technique. Basically you're looking at her either right eye to right eye or triangular
gazing, and you're now fantasizing about her. The easiest, I'm just going to put it
to you straight, there's no point in using euphemisms. You just look at her and
you imagine having sex with her right there and then.
That's the easiest way to get aroused. If you need help because you're tired or
something, do what my buddy used to do, get the porn on your phone and go
back there and just get a little worked up so it's easier to do that, just pop into
that. You can do this anytime. She can be giving you the data entry reports at
work and just like, okay you listen to her data entry reports, and you're actually
going to create that tension and feeling.
What will happen is your eyes will start to dilate, your breathing will change, your
lips might start to swell a bit, these are the physical manifestations. Don't even
pay attention to these. If it was on "Lie to Me" or something, they would zoom in
on that and they'd say this guy's aroused, but no one can tell, all right? There are
physiological changes that are happening when you get aroused. Her amygdala or
primitive parts of her brain are picking that up, but because she's still talking to
you, she's giving you the data entry reports, she's susceptible to that very quickly.
You can do this all the time. Basically, if you really want to practice this, just going
around fantasizing about everybody you're talking to, so it's really easy to do. All
right? It's easiest to imagine missionary when she's right in front of you. Okay,
you'd be amazed at what happens. Just give it a shot. Again you can practice this


with the videos on YouTube until you're comfortable. Just pop it in there when
you want to, like my double innuendos there. Just popped into it.
Putting it all together. You've learned now how to turn a girl on and how to make
her hit on you. You can do this through sexual innuendo, through the verbal
sexual tension techniques, as well as through screen qualifying, making her invest
in you, but also obviously through sexual state transfer, which is basically the
emotional activation system applied to sexual state. You've also learned how to
get her visualizing and thinking about sex and you can do that innocently through
the pink elephant.
I noticed that Jason used a bunch of pink elephants, so you can just drop that in
there. Maybe you didn't notice, which is even more interesting and proves how
much more effective it is. I think he used a purple dildo and a bunch of other
things he just threw in there. You can also obviously do the sexual state
transference as well for this. Using eye contact to turn her on through sexual state
transferences and triangular gazing. Then how to respond to challenges, I've given
you some humor techniques, pause at misinterpretation and exaggerate to
absurdity.
Okay, great. If you're in step three, and you've been transferring the right
emotions, you'll be creating a lot of tension. Sometimes the woman will take the
first step, I think in western context that's often the case, and if you build it up
correctly, you keep building the tension the tension, the tension. However, just
the way that we've evolved, it's often still masculine to take the lead, and it's also
consistent with the right character that you would instigate or you would initiate.


So if you want to get that first kiss out of the way and you've built up all this
tension and she doesn't just jump for you, but she's feeling the tension, here are
some easy ways to break that barrier, break the ice, and get that first kiss out of
the way.
A couple lines that I used for years that worked really well. You can use these in
English or Chinese, translate it to Japanese, it's universal. You look at her, you got
the tension going, you're in the slow and smooth tonality, you got the eye contact
going on, and now you're just like, I guess you could just go in and kiss her, but if
you're still a little bit scared, you can use this really easy line that's very honest,
here you go, ready?
• "You have no idea how bad I want to kiss you right now." It's that simple.
Need it again?
• "You have no idea how bad I want to kiss you right now."
Then you gauge and see what happens. If she's feeling it, she'll say something like,
"Why don't you?" Or something like that, okay?
Here's another line: "You know, there's something I've been meaning to do for a
while now." "You know, there's something I've been meaning to do for a while
now." You just wait one second. If she doesn't say anything, there you go,
because there's something you've been meaning to do for a while now, right? It's
that easy. It's just breaking that barrier. There are a lot of other really great
transition lines into it, but this two that are universal and you can try those out.


Now we're going to get into a couple of other, a few other techniques that are a
little bit more about physicality of it. I'll cover this one first. There's dance floor.
Now, I am not a good dancer. I don't think I've ever been a good dancer. I could
do like ballroom and that sort of thing, but in a club with club music, I'm not very
good at that, but I've also noticed that guys who are good dancers often they'll be
used for their dancing, and then the girl grinds up on them, they make out in the
dance floor, and then once they get off the dance floor, that's it. She's like, "Okay,
it was great talking to you," and maybe he's got some game and just followup or
something, but often that's all it is, right?
You see guys asking, "How do you have game on the dance floor?" Because they
see really sexy girls on the dance floor. It's not a great place to make as the basis
of your relationship, your five, ten, minute, fifteen minute relationship. All she's
doing is grinding up on you because you're basically serving as a substitute for a
pole or something. She doesn't know anything about you, and unless she's just
really, really horny, you're going to need much more connection.
Dance floor is best when you've gotten to step three and now you want to
escalate. Take her to the dance floor and it's a great place to just do like a couples
dance. Don't actually dance. You're giving her investment, you're working for it
unless you're really good at it, but as soon as you can, get into that couples dance.
One of the simplest is go to the most crowded place on the dance floor, where
you're just packed in there like sardines, so she just can't push you away and
dance, right?


You're right up against each other, you just do her like in the sixth grade. Take her
hands, put it one your back up over your shoulders and you just back and forth,
and then you do Crocodile Dundee, then you do triangular gazing and just go in
for it. That's what the dance floor is used for. It's to help you escalate. If the dance
floor is not crowded, there's a lot of room to move around, you could break dance
and you wouldn't hit anybody, stay away from there, unless you just want to act
goofy or whatever you can do that and you're in step one. It's best if you go to the
dance floor for step three, and then it's very, very useful.
I'll give you two techniques that you can use pretty much anytime, but it's best to
use in out like on a date or in a more subdued environment, like you're driving
together to the next place or if you're sitting together in a lounge or at a bar, and
I'll demonstrate these.
The first is very simple, it's just hair touching. If we had more time, I'd go over the
escalation hierarchy and so on, but basically the face is a very sensitive part of the
body. If you're starting out at the beginning for platonic touch, anything you use
to block in martial arts is going to be less sensitive, so that would be the outside
of the arm, upper back, people don't mind this, so if you're just talking, if you're
not used to touching people, like you were raised in the Asian context or
something, you can just keep hitting here, it's fine. You can do that to everybody.
Also the top of the upper back. As you go into the body, it gets more and more
sensitive.
The face is one of those things that it's part of the body that's really sensitive,
maybe less sensitive than sexual genitalia, but it's more sensitive than everywhere


else. Usually you don't just lunge for the face, like, "Whoa, what are you doing?"
But the hair is attached to the head, and the hair is actually quite sensitive, so if
you pull the hair, we'll get to that a little bit.
If she accepts the hair touching, then she's basically accepting your touch to that
level, which is a much more personal level. Let's say, oh actually, let's say we're
driving, so we're side by side. This is a real easy one. We're at the red light, don't
look at me like that. We're at the red light, and I'm trying to break this barrier, so
I'll look at her hair like, "Wow, your hair's so soft." All right, then I just go back and
drive. She's accepted it and now you know. It's sort of like the green light, you're
good to go, right? She hasn't done anything weird, like "Don't touch my hair."
Don't practice that, don't practice that look. It's just hair touching, really simple.
Then when you're, this has happened to me very often, maybe it's happened to
you. You're on a date, you're back home now because of various things that I'll
teach you how to do, you're back home, you've got the wine, the candles are out,
and now you're just sitting there watching a movie, maybe you touched her hair,
but you're still like this, right? So what do we do? This is what the big mistake.
Guys would be like mmm, like that, right? Maybe that's all right if she's meeting
your eyes, but here's another way that you could do it, that I did for a good year
or so just to get me used to building sexual tension. When you get used to that
feeling, you could just recreate it on the fly.
This is the progression, and I've adapted this from three different mentors, just
made it my own, and it's worked out really well and many hundreds of clients and
doing the exact same thing. I'll give you the progression, then I'll just show you


how it works. It goes, hugging, hair pulling, smelling, biting, whispering in the ear,
and kissing, so that's six components, all right? You just do them in that order.
We're watching some movie that hopefully she's not paying any attention to
because it's just all subtitles in rapid fire Japanese or something, but it's a
beautiful landscape that they're showing, so I'm going to distract her from it
because she's like, "Oh, I should be paying attention, but I'm not."
We're talking about whatever, and then I'll say, "You know, something that's
really important to me, for my friends, that they all have to be good huggers."
Female Speaker: Really?
David: Yeah, because the worst thing in the word, the most awkward thing, is
when you go to hug your friend and it's all weird.
Female Speaker: I never thought about that. That's a good point.
David: Yeah, so if I were to rate you on a scale of 1 to 10 in hugging, what would I
give you?
Female Speaker: I'm a great hugger, so I mean ...
David: So it'd be high, so like a four?
Female Speaker: Not to toot my own horn, but toot, toot, a ten.
David: A ten? All right, I gotta see this ten hug.
Okay, so we stand up. All right, let me feel this ten hug.


Female Speaker: All right.
David: Oh, actually, that's not too bad.
Female Speaker: No?
David: All right, let me show you what a real ten hug is because that's like a 7.6.
Female Speaker: Oh, okay.
David: All right, here come, come.
So this is what you'll be doing. You're going to go up, slow and smooth, right? You
go up the back like an X ...
Female Speaker: You're the good hugger.
David: You're going to breathe in as you go up, and you're going to exhale when
you squeeze. So you go like this, you're doing the X, and when you're going down
you sort of just trace it. All right.
Female Speaker: Okay, that was kind of good.
David: So that's slow and smooth, you're doing slow and smooth hugging as well,
so you've broken the touch barrier now at least, if you didn't do the dance floor
already.
Okay, so you're not too bad at hugging. You know what else I like?
Female Speaker: What's that?


David: I used to have long hair. I know it's hard for you to imagine.
Female Speaker: Really?
David: Yeah, I used to have that and it was such a pain, but the one thing I really
liked about. Let me show you, this is what I really liked about it. Here, come here.
You have nice clean hair.
I've already touched the hair, now I'm really touching her. So you're going to go
up the back, pull a clump like that, and just pull it back like that.
For sexual dominance, hair pulling is really good just because it's, oh yeah you like
that, this part of the head is, the skeleton is sensitive. There's two ways to do it
and you can just hold it like that, and just the motion of, you're probably doing it
doggie, so this head motion will create the tension. Just holding it right out ...
Female Speaker: Just an FYI.
David: That's a great way to do it. The other way is actually really close to the
scalp, you just hold this, and you can actually manipulate her hair slowly, gently. Is
that gentle enough?
Okay, so that part of the head, the scalp is really sensitive, so you just up there,
pull back. You always want to reciprocate, all right? So whatever you do, she does
and vice versa, but now my hair is short so I can't do that, but ...
Female Speaker: I get why you had long hair.


David: Yeah, okay. When you're going up there, one thing I wanted to say was
when you're pulling back. She actually smells really good. I'm not lying now. You
smell and you're like, after you pull the hair you're like, "Actually, you know what
else I really liked when I had long hair? Smell my neck, do I smell all right? Do I
smell all right? I'm a little worried"
Female Speaker: You smell good.
David: Now you're lying.
Okay, so basically you're smelling each other. This is a mating ritual from the
animal kingdom stuff. All right so we're doing the smell. I'm doing explanations as
we go along; it's a lot smoother if you don't do the explanation.
Now you're smelling, then you say, "So we've done hugging, you're all right with
the hair pulling too, you're pretty good with the smell, it seems pretty natural to
you to just sniff, sniff. But you know what else goes along with that when I had
long hair? Pulling, smelling and biting the neck. Here, bite my neck."
Now, most girls, if you do it like that, they won't do it. They're like, "I know what
you're doing," right? But how do I ...
"It's important that you can bite. Do you know how to bite?"
Female Speaker: I don't know.
David: Yeah, without causing pain?
Female Speaker: Isn't that the best part of it, the pain?


David: Well, not too much pain. If you're drawing blood it's not too good.
Female Speaker: I know how to bite. I mean I also thought I was a good hugger,
but I was proven wrong.
David: I'm going to ask her to bite me here, this is very sensitive. Now, let's say
she doesn't want to, she's embarrassed. Say, "Fine, look, I'll go first. Then you
show me."
Then she's going to give me her wrist, you have the hair ... When you bite, you
don't just go in and like argh. What you basically do is you go in, take a little bit of
flesh, bite, hold it, and then release. In case you don't know how to do that, that's
how you do it. So I'm going to go here, and again I'm going to smell her wrist, and
when you pull away, you breathe on that part of the skin.
How was that?
Female Speaker: That was a good one.
David: Yeah? Was it good? All right you gotta show me. Take a chill, I'm not going
to ... The heat is on. So we're biting each other and then the next thing is, say,
"You know the last piece of the puzzle that's really important?"
Female Speaker: What's that?
David: Do you know how to whisper in the ear? It's really tough. Some people
think it's easy to do, but do you know how, are you good at that?
Female Speaker: I do.


David: Okay, well let me see what you do. You whisper in my hear, whisper
something. Okay, that wasn't bad, that wasn't bad. All right so now ...
Female Speaker: Was that four or a three?
David: Yeah, that was like four and a half. I'll grade it a little higher.
All right, now I'm going to do the whisper in the ear, and it's taking the same
rhythm, it's slow and smooth, so bring her in, and I'm going to inhale as I go up
the nape of her neck. When I get to the ear I'm going to exhale, and I'll say
something. Then ... All right, so here we go.
“All right, let me show you. Nevermind.”
Okay, I just whispered "Nevermind," but I'm building up the tension to that point.
If we get to this point, you got green lights going all the way and you just race to
the finish line and you just say, "How good of a kisser are you on a scale of 1 to
10?
Female Speaker: What I would say ...
David: Or you could build up and you say, "Okay, we've done hugging, you're
pretty good with hugging, you're pretty good with this and that, this and that, and
this and that, but ... So what would you say? On a scale of ..."
Female Speaker: What I would say?
David: Yeah, what would you say?
Female Speaker: Do you want to find out?


David: I didn't say I want to find out, I'm just asking you ...
Female Speaker: Well, clearly you do.
David: What would you give yourself? Like a four? Like you're hugging? Would
you say you're a better kisser or hugger?
Female Speaker: Kisser.
David: Okay, so she's going to give me whatever score she wants, and then
obviously if you've gotten to this point, "I'll just tell her, well let's see," then just
go in. You've established a playful mood, and you're been building in tension the
whole. You get to this point, so like you're at the peak of the mountain. It would
be stupid not to just take that extra step.
Again, this is training wheels, and if you're not used to building sexual tension,
this will give you the feeling of it, just like when you're on training wheels and you
don't know how to ride a bike, the training wheels will keep it going straight so
you so don't fall over.
The final piece is logistics, so the goal in logistics in this case, is that we're trying
to figure out how to get back to your place. You've met her, you've gone through
step one in fun, you've made her have fun, you've made a connection, now you
want to go somewhere private, because you don't want to be the nasty guy who's
fingering her on the dance floor. So how do you get back to your place?
Make sure that you set your place up so that it's the sort of place that a girl will
want to go to. This means that you have some really cool movies. I would keep it


to foreign movies, in a language she doesn't understand, or movies that have just
sexy images. You can also do cooking. You can go grocery shopping together as a
great date and then cook together. Or if you just have some really cool food like
ice cream mochi or something like that that you can just grab and tempt her with.
I like to have special wine, like iced wine. That's the best. Iced wine. I used to tell
everybody about it. Many people have not had it, but I have ice wine back home.
Candles, ice cream, photos, music, bean bag chairs, anything that will facilitate
the mood but will also give you a reason to bring her back, so you just keep telling
these things to her. This is just seeding.
The whole time you're seeding things in your house, this can be on a date or
when you meet her in the club, all these cool things back at your house. I used to
have an electric foundation with rocks and just like, "Come check out my
fountain," I also had lava lamps.
One time this girl gave me her cactus to take care of while she away, and I
watered it, but it grew all weird, just one side grew, but the other side didn't
grow, so it looks like it's lopsided. I'm like, "What's wrong with this mutant
cactus? I have this mutant cactus." Anyway, you're creating this curiosity to go
back to your place. That will come in handy later.
First thing is, you need to bounce out. The more bouncing you do, the easier it is
for her to follow your lead. If you take her from the dance floor to the bar to the
couches within the venue, she'll get used to following your lead. Every time she
follows you, something good happens. Then when you bounce out of the venue,
you just have to come up with another excuse, and hopefully you've built enough


trust, so you just tell her, "Hey, I know this really great place that has amazing
wines, check it out it's still open."
She's going to play along, right? So she gets in the cab, "Where are we going?"
"Oh, don't worry, it's great, it's really great." Just tell the cab driver your place,
just head back.
Now, always at any point, if she doesn't feel comfortable, she can just stay in the
cab and go home or you can drop her off. It's not a big deal, she can leave at any
time. It's basically, you're giving her a plausible deniability because she doesn't
want to, you don't say, "Hey look, let's go back and have sex. What do you think?
Even if she wants to, she's not going to want to say yes, because then she'll feel
like a slut. Just make it smooth, all right? Smooth logistics leads to smooth
escalation.
Then, when you pull to the place, hopefully, if you've been seeding correctly, then
she will be thinking, "Oh, okay, well this is his place. Hmm, but hey it's got this
really interesting cactus,"
You say "Gotta check this thing out, this ice wine's really amazing", and just be
really casual about it.
If you didn't do your job correctly or it's a particular, it's the type of girls who's
very conservative or protective of herself or so on, you might get resistance at this
point, in which case you didn't do your job in the beginning, or she's just the
particular type of girl that won't go home on the first night, so hey, respect.


Whatever, right? But often they'll come in, because you give them the plausible
deniability, you can throw out there the usual plausible deniability lines like, "I
gotta get up for work early tomorrow, so you can only stay for a little bit," My
place is really messy, do not make fun of me, or it's really nasty," "I hope you
don't mind, my roommates might be coming back". If you got roommates, it's
really great. Tell your roommate to come out and sit in the living room. Then she
won't want to be in the living room.
Anyway, the point is you have to set up your place so it's conducive to this last
step. Make sure that you're hitting all the senses, the five sense. It's got to be
attractive or sexy to the sight, sound, get some cool food that not like some
dessert or some ice wine. Sight, sound, taste, smell, some nice candles or incense,
and touch. If you can get some silk sheets or a shag rug or something so it feels
luxurious. If think about a five star hotel, you can set up your room as close to
that sort of feel as possible, it will lend itself to seduction, and you're going to see
a lot of interesting there like a lava lamp or something.
You get the idea. Put your guitar out, I put my saxophone out and the guitars, just
conversation pieces. Photos from your travels, you can talk about your travels and
say I got this great photo, some videos, if you make any music, you got recordings
in your computer, go show her these. It's not sexual. You don't want to set off her
alarms or anything. Let her be comfortable there.
Once inside, make her comfortable, pour her some wine or something, and
basically you then just get into relativity innocuous conversation, but you're going
full on with sexual state transfer, so you work yourself up, but on the verbal


channel it's all really innocent, so you pop in the movie. If you need to, you can do
the kiss escalation techniques. The hair pulling and so forth, and this will build it
up there.
Just to recap on sexuality, it's all about the vibe and the emotions. I've given you
some simple techniques that will have big effects. Don't over-‐complicate it. The
final piece was logistics, make it easy for yourself; set up each step of the way so
it's just smooth.

THE DESIRE SYSTEM ON NEEDINESS

CHAPTER 9: ON NEEDINESS
Okay, now we're on to neediness in the fine print. The reason why we're talking
about neediness is because this is the one kryptonite to the whole system. If it's
not working it's probably because you're projecting neediness and neediness is
foundational. It's something that we develop just as children, as little babies. We
need our mother's love and so forth. There's all sorts of theories about
attachment and avoidance and so on to explain this. But just assume you are
needy.
When you're a kid you're needy. Makes sense, right? You actually physically need
your parents to take care of you. And depending on how those needs are met,
your neediness transforms into various stages and so on, but you're still needy.
You have to actively attack the neediness in you. Some guys figured it out when
they were young, sometimes by mistake, but for many of us well adjusted
individuals we never had to get over that because our parents were great. So
(laughs) this is a problem, a Catch 22.
Now, if you feel needy it will be blocking the positive emotions that you're feeling,
that you're trying to transfer. So horniness plus neediness is creepy. Happiness
plus neediness is childish. If you add neediness to any positive emotion it just
turns it into something negative. Here's some roadblocks to the positive emotions
that are causing the neediness. You could be feeling fatigue, so get more sleep.
You could be drunk, so get it together. You could just be angry. You don't want to
bring that around. But fundamentally it would be neediness.


Non-‐neediness is directly proportional to your attractiveness as a man. So
however attractive you are is however non-‐needy you are. Why is this? In
Ordaining Academy we have a whole separate class again on just neediness and
what's real interesting is in the research on anthropology and evolutionary
biology you'll see that our brains are basically hard wired to live or operate in an
environment that was 50,000 years ago.
The lag for adaptation is between 50,000 years and 100,000 years. 50,000 years
ago this was the Middle Stone Age and during this time we basically moved
around the world in small groups of between 12-‐20 homosapiens or neanderthals
or whatever. There, when the children grow up the males and the females will
wonder off maybe during the middle of the day and just sort of wander and they'll
meet. Obviously they don't want to have incest, even back then it was not very
good policy for your genes. So you're going to be more attracted to out groups.
When you meet somebody on the savannah, there was generally not a big wealth
disparity because you couldn't accumulate resources. Back then there was no
farming, there's just hunter gatherer and there's only so much meat you can store
in your cave or whatever. So when a girl meets you out there, she doesn't know
really what your status is because probably you're wandering and there's just you
and you're probably naked with hair if you're a neanderthal or homosapien just
kind of hairless. But you're just there, right?
She needs to tell if you're the type of guy who will be her protector from
predators, provide for the offspring and so forth. Whether you will be a good
mate. But you've got no Rolex, there's no cars back then, there are no outward


signs of wealth. You could have some jewelry but that's about it. Jewelry's just
basically you take some shells from the beach and just string them up. That was
the extent of their jewelry.
For her to try to figure out whether you're a good mate, what does she have to
look at? She doesn't ask for your bank account. She's looking at your behavior.
And fundamentally the behavior of a high status individual is going to be non-‐
needy. A needy guy cannot protect her, he cannot hunt for her and he's basically
then not worthy of her. The ones who are adapted to look for men whose
behavior exhibited non-‐neediness were able to bypass the problem of the fig king.
The fig king is somebody, a man, who is given status, he didn't earn it. And you
might notice that this is still pretty common now when somebody wins the
lottery, women don't suddenly become attracted to him sexually. They might, the
gold diggers, think about how I'm going to use this guy, but they're not getting
wet or anything. "Oh, he won the lottery, wow!" They're not creaming over that.
They're able to see through the fig king by looking at his behavior and you'll see
this as some other, think about Braveheart, the evil king, or actually turned out to
be homosexual and the new wife from France who hooked up with Mel Gibson,
the poor guy, the rebel, he's bad ass. Because he's not a fake king and it's through
his behavior.
If you're non-‐needy what it displays is you have the power, the wealth and the
resources and the status to ensure her survival and her flourishing. Or you're on
your way to get it. Okay? So they're always looking at your behavior. That's why
it's so important. That's why you can't just get girls by just showing your bank


account, like your bank statement. Girls at dinner, they're not like, "Hey, so how
much money do you have?" If it was that straightforward then it would be just
carrying around your total asset net worth verified by whatever company. "Here it
is," and then it's very straightforward but it's not like that and it's because we still
are evolved and adapted for Middle Stone Ages.
Okay, how does it become a cross? So neediness, if you want to see, ask yourself,
"Am I needy?", you can look at your behavior. Are you deferring, over deferring is
a sign of neediness. Approval seeking, desperation or begging. This is why
pleading with a woman to come back to you or trying to persuade her with words
totally backfires. Because you're actually making it worse.
That scene from Hitch where the guy's like knocking on the door of the car while
it's raining like "Why? Why?' Because she's with another guy and the guy's like
"Doing it right now man." And you're thinking, man, what a cold hearted woman.
But, you know, this is actually unconscious. It's just how we've evolved. If you're
feeling needy, you're going to be approval seeking, deferring, over deferring, feel
desperate and you'll be begging. And ultimately it's because your happiness is
depending on her happiness. Your approval of yourself if depending on her
approval of you. Which is very, very bad obviously. Giving over your life to
somebody else like that.
Now, what's the opposite. Non-‐neediness. It comes across as independence.
You're able to do your own thing. Self reliance, courage. Obviously self confidence
and you're responsible for your own happiness. In Asia when I teach this, a very
common objection or comment is that, "Does this mean that I just shouldn't care?


Like I'm so independent I really don't care about her. I don't care about anybody.
Isn't it better to care about people?" Okay, so this is the response.
Neediness is actually parasitic. So if you think that by caring a lot about her and
doing all this stuff for her hoping that you will win her over and that she will just
fall into your arms and think, "Wow, you cooked me chicken soup when I'm sick.
You've done all these things for me, therefore I will mate with you." You're hoping
that will happen. This is actually parasitic. You're using her to fulfill your own
neediness.
This gap, or this vacuum or hole in your life. And you're actually seeing past her as
an individual and using her for your own gain. That's parasitic. As I was saying in
the break, there is an epidemic in the modern world of neediness in men, in
modern men. There's a really great book by Robert Glover called "No More Mr.
Nice Guy". In there he uses this phrase, this imagery, about men going around
with their umbilical cords looking to stick them into women. Because mommy
broke it off because you had to grow up but you still want approval.
You want somebody to tell you you're okay. You're successful. You're alright. You
need that and that's neediness. You're looking to get that from somebody.
"Here's my umbilical cord. Here, stick it in you." And you're just using them. Men
who need women to complete them end up using women for their emotional
needs to fill the emotional void in himself. Neediness in relationships leads to
disingenuousness, dishonesty with her in himself, cheating and passive
aggression.


I think I've established that neediness is bad and that most men grow up with it.
Okay? So what's the fix? How do I get out of this. Let's say, "Okay, David I admit I
am needy. How do I get out of this?" Here's some quick fixes. Begin filling your
head with the thoughts of great thinkers. So basically there is emphasis on
emotions. Understanding the components of emotions.
Emotions are made up of two parts. One is the feeling and the other is the
thought or judgment. That's how it's composed. So feelings are different from
emotions because feelings are just the biological, the biochemical thing you feel.
"Oh, I feel this way." But the emotion is composed of a thought plus the feeling. If
you want to change the emotion you have to change the thought because it's
really hard to change just the feeling in your body unless you just take drugs and
that's what psychiatry does.
Counseling and therapy is trying to attack the thoughts that are leading to the
feeling, leading to that emotion. So, if you change the thoughts then you take
hold over the feelings, the emotions. The problem is here that your inner world is
not right. You're thinking these thoughts and "I need somebody to tell me I'm
okay. I need somebody to just hold me and say even if I fail in this endeavor,
somebody still loves me. I need to know that."
These thoughts are what are creating that feeling of neediness. If you can change
those thoughts then you will change the emotion. And that's why it's important to
get into the mindset or the inner game or the thought world of men that are
successful who are not needy.


Alright so one great way of doing this is reading autobiographies or biographies,
do a lot of that. Watching movies that display and explain to you what it's like to
lead that kind of life. Watching more of these videos explain what the thought
processes are to being attractive and so forth. That's the first quick fix. Change
your thought process.
The second is to talk it out with a friend who will challenge you. Hopefully you
have a friend who's just going to sit you down with some beers and is like "Dude,
you're fucking needy. Quit that." (laughs) And he'll say, "Look, you've already
been talking about this girl so much. Here, look, dude, you've got one week.
You're going to do this, you're going to say this and if you don't do it you gotta
break it off or I will pour this beer over your head." Or something like that. So
you've got accountability. Hopefully you will have friends who challenge you and
don't coddle you. Spend more time with the friends who challenge you.
Third is take care of your biochemistry. Often you feel needy because your diet is
shit. Because you've been sleeping at the wrong times. Because you just haven't
been taking care of your body. And this is the beauty of modern science now. A
lot of different diet, different food and of course various drugs can help change
your mood. Your mood is basically located in the brain. Take care of your body.
Stop getting wasted. (laughs)
Okay, Long term fixes. This is more important stuff. Develop self-‐esteem. We're
going to talk a little bit more about that. Live your purpose. Find your purpose. If
purpose is too big of a concept for you right when you're young, find your
passions. What are you really interested in? What do you enjoy doing?


Find those and do more of them or do them more. Find your passions. Spend
more time doing your passions. Often the passions will turn into a greater
purpose. Learn from and study the masters. Achieve successes. And this is exactly
what The Social Man's is all about.

Okay, so recap neediness. Neediness is the root of all unattractive behavior and
emotions. You need to cure it in order to make the emotional activation system
work optimally. If you're needy, don't think that it's a good thing. Like, "Oh, I
really care about her, that's why. If more people just cared about each other, the
world would be a great place." Actually, you're just using somebody else to fill this
emotional void in your life. You're a parasite. Don't be a parasite.

Make the short term fixes into a habit. So get in the habit of changing your
thought world, even that short term fix is a long term habit that you need to
develop. Once you figure out what the biochemical things that you need to do to
change your mood are, do those on a daily basis.

Maybe you need to do meditation 10 minutes a day instead, clear your mind.
Maybe you need to do some yoga to get the circulation going. Maybe you'd like
the dopamine rush you get after a workout. Work out more often, take care of
your body, stop putting junk in your body, stop drinking a lot of sugary drinks or
eating sugary foods and so on. Make that into a habit. Good, healthy eating and
living.


Long term fixes are about assuming responsibility for your own happiness. About
self-‐esteem. We're going to get into that right now. Explore your passions and if
you have a greater life purpose you want to make that more important, give it
more priority. One of the most attractive things in a man, two of them, is when a
man has a purpose that's greater than himself. So it's not just self interested
selfish purpose. It's attractive because a woman wants to go along with that.

To go along for that ride to fill this purpose. She doesn't want to become him
purpose. A lot of guys who don't have a strong purpose or don't have clearly
defined passions, and I get clients like this all the time who spend their time after
work playing World of Warcraft or whatever and their work is just to get the
paycheck and then they get lucky because they use some of the techniques we've
taught and they get a girl, like in a month or two, or a couple weeks even, or
actually in three days. Then, what happens?

They use her to make themselves happy. And they stop everything else in their
lives. Even the World of Warcraft. And they just spend all of their time with this
girl because that's his purpose now. To make her happy, to enjoy this relationship.
And what happens? Her attraction for him just dies as soon as he does that. And
the more he does it, the more it dies. So do it positively, create that purpose, find
those passions and do more of those.

CHAPTER 10: ON SELF-ESTEEM
Okay we're moving into the final section, Being a 10. This is focusing on
self-‐esteem, because that's the root of it all. Self-‐esteem is the root of all
attractive behaviors, sub-‐communications and emotions. A great quote
from a great book, it's called the Six Pillars of Self-‐esteem by Nathaniel
Grant. "There is no greater barrier to romantic happiness than the fear that
I am undeserving of love and that my destiny is to be hurt." This is because
you don't have self-‐esteem. When this happens, you get incredibly needy.
The anecdote to the neediness is to develop your self-‐esteem. What is self-‐
esteem? Self-‐esteem is made up of 2 components, self-‐efficacy and self
respect. By self-‐efficacy, basically it is that you are competent at something
that is important to you. You earn your self-‐esteem by making progress
toward goals that you have set for yourself and that you find meaningful.
If you suck at everything that is important to you, you can't do shit. Like
you suck at school, you suck at sports, you suck at art. There's nothing that
you are good at. It is almost impossible for you to feel good about yourself.
You won't respect yourself. It does you no good to try to hypnotize
yourself into it or whatever, if you haven't earned it. Go and earn it.
Now here's the thing. It's in your control. You can set what is important to
you. You pick what's important to you and you go after it. That's the root
of masculinity as well. Deciding what you want to do in life and just going
for it. That's self-‐efficacy. You understand that you have the ability to do

this thing that is important to you. As you develop self-‐efficacy, you then
develop self-‐respect. Those two together will generate self-‐esteem.
Here's the paradoxical power of self-‐esteem. Once you have self-‐esteem,
the emotional activation system is no natural and so easy, you do not have
to think about it. This is the key to getting to that mastery natural level.
The paradoxical power is that while you are improving yourself, you are still
happy with the way things are. So you are still content with the way things
are. But you are making progress towards the goal.
This is actually also the big secret to the guys that figured out the keys to
attractiveness, that you don't need all of these other techniques and
everything if you are happy with the way you are. If society tells you you're
no good maybe because you are a big obvious smurf or something, but you
are really into it and this is your thing, you really, really enjoy it and you are
making progress towards this goal of becoming, I don't know, ... you are
creating a movie about smurfs or something ... and now you've got the
movie deal, and it's happening, you're happy with the way it's going, you
are making progress towards the goal you set for yourself. Regardless of
how many other people or what other people don't like your goal, you've
set it for yourself and you've decided that this is what I'm going to do.
This is masculinity. This is the core of masculinity. This is the big secret
because you actually don't need to do all this other stuff, these openers or
whatever, if you feel really good about yourself. If you feel really good
about yourself, just walk up to somebody and say "hey, look I want to get

to know you. You cool with that? My name's David." My name's David
too. Call this guy.
You know what you're capable of. This isn't about impressing anyone but
yourself. Paradoxically, you become much more to others when you have
high standards for yourself. Your goal, as far as being universally attractive,
is to become what we've been calling the 10; the ideal man. The ideal man,
the 10, is based on evolutionary science and psychology. One of the
pioneer scholars of this area is a guy named David Bus. He has written a
book called The Evolution of Desire, and another one that is a text book,
kind of expensive, but it summarizes the latest research in this area and it's
on evolutionary psychology. I highly recommend it.
There in that book you will see that he summarizes this mountain of
research on what women like and what women want for long term mating
as far as settling down with a guy and getting into a relationship. It's not
going to surprise you. They found that women prefer men who have
wealth, status, ambition and industriousness, physical prowess including
size, strength and health and intelligence, as an indicator for economic
success.
Okay, so that's my novice advice to you, right? Develop as much of that in
your life as you can because this will make you more attractive to women in
general. However, the ultimate evidence for whether you are the type of
guy who has those things is your behavior. You can be a rich kid, but you
are really needy.

So you're a rich guy, you might wonder why this guy has a lot of money,
why can't he get any girls? Well maybe one of the reasons is when he is
interacting with them, he is still seeking their approval and validation. They
can feel it and they think, okay he's a fake and he's not really deserving of
this or he doesn't really understand what it's like to have these character
traits. Neediness is the ultimate evidence for this. So you want to focus on
building your self-‐esteem and all the other stuff will come along the way.
Women unconsciously choose men who have these traits and display non-‐
neediness. But in the moment, what they want most of all are good
feelings. What good is wealth. You have to buy things. You have to use it
in exchange for goods or services. Those goods and services, how do you
know which ones to purchase? They're the ones you think will give you
good feelings. What good is status, unless you can use it. It's all about
feeling good about yourself. If you can give her good feelings, no matter
how poor you are right now, no matter how low status you are right now,
she's still going to want to be around you.
Now when her instincts kicks in, you know it might be like the Notebook. I
have had to actually watch that movie which is really cheesy, but the
general plot is Ryan Gosling is like this down and out guy and this girl falls in
love with him. Her family says no, you've got to marry this other guy. He's
really rich just like you are rich. At the end of the movie, she comes back
and jumps into his arms. Ryan Gosling's arms, like the downtown boy,
right?

Whenever you see this plot line, you understand that it's because he gives
her good feelings that the rich guy isn't. Even though her logical mind is
saying I should choose this guy, her sexual mind is choosing another guy
because that other guy gives her good feelings.
Attraction, love, desire, arousal and affection. These are all feelings. So
even though on paper, this guy might beat you, you can undercut it by
being able to give her more and better good feelings, more intensely and
more often. What will set you apart is the fact that most people, 99% of
people, don't really know how to control their feelings, don't know how to
manipulate and hold those feelings that you want to have and allow those
to transfer.
But now that you have learned the Emotional Activation System, you are on
your way to being that guy. So you want to be the man who gives her good
feelings. This will undercut what I call a bigger, better deal. So if you are
depending on your wealth, status, or looks to get women, you will always
be vulnerable to all of these other guys who are following the same
standards; these conventional standards.
There's always another guy richer than you and probably as you move up
that ladder, you are going to be hanging out with guys with the same
wealth level as you. There's always going to be a better-‐looking guy than
you. There's always going to be a guy with higher status than you. What
you don't want is, you have this girl and every time you bump into this guy

or somebody, you are always worried is he richer than me, does he have
more power in terms of status than me, is he better looking than me?
If, however, you are just you because you are following your purpose and
you're following your passions, and you are following those and feeling
those passions intensely, you are just being you and you are enjoying your
life because you are following your passions, you are in flow all the time, all
you have to do then is just be honest and allow those feelings to be
transferred. You are allowing good feelings to transfer. She's going to look
past all those other things and want to be around you because you're giving
her good feelings.
Okay, so you can use what you've learned today to develop a skill, practice
the skill, make it second nature to you, make it natural to you. The 10 will
give her good feelings because he naturally feels them on his own, because
he wants her to feel good too, and he feels especially good when she feels
good. The 10 wants to improve himself, partially for the women in his life,
but mostly for himself to live the best life he can, to feel the most
happiness and positive emotions as he can, and actually even more than
that, to have a life of meaning.
When you find your purpose then you can go through a lot of pain, because
it's worth it, because you have a greater purpose that gives your life
meaning. A life without meaning is pretty depressing. Right? I've lived
that, just pleasure to pleasure to pleasure to pleasure. Eventually you just

get numb to the whole thing. Until you find purpose, you will never find
meaning and you will never find true happiness, true lasting happiness.
Okay, what's next? All right, so go out there and use the Emotional
Activation System. A lot of guys get success the first time they use it
because it is so simple and it's just pure science. Continue to learn and
improve yourself in these areas.
All right man, so we went through the Emotional Activation System and we
ended on self-‐esteem, which makes me feel really good about myself. It's
not all just about getting love, sex, and so on. It's really about long term
happiness and contentment in life, respecting yourself, pursuing your
passions and purpose. Thank you for following along and I hope you enjoy a
really amazing life. Get it done, get it handled and keep on being awesome.

Desire

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THE SYSTEM IN ACTION

THE SCIENCE OF ATTRACTION

ALL MATERIAL © THE SOCIAL MAN. ANY UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION IS IN

CHAPTER 2 – THE SYSTEM IN ACTION

CHAPTER 3: THE SCIENCE OF ATTRACTION

To recap this section, attraction happens unconsciously. Micro-­‐expressions are

CHAPTER 4: THE APPROACH

David: “Excuse me.”

Speaker 2: Yes.

Speaker 2: Thank you.

David: And I just wanted to meet you.

Speaker 2: That's really sweet.

David: Thanks. My name is David. What's your name?

Speaker 2: Ellen Bray.

David: Great. Pleasure to meet you.

Speaker 2: Nice to meet you.

David: Where are you headed?

Speaker 2: I'm just going downtown.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

David: I'm going that way, too.

Speaker 2: Oh, really.

David: Yeah. I'll walk you down. Great.

I'll give you some other examples.

CHAPTER 6: HUMOR & VULNERABILITY

CHAPTER 7: JASON CAPITAL

• "My legs are aching."

Female Speaker: Really?

Female Speaker: I never thought about that. That's a good point.

Female Speaker: I'm a great hugger, so I mean ...

David: So it'd be high, so like a four?

David: A ten? All right, I gotta see this ten hug.

David: Oh, actually, that's not too bad.

Female Speaker: No?

Female Speaker: Oh, okay.

David: All right, here come, come.

Female Speaker: You're the good hugger.

Female Speaker: Okay, that was kind of good.

Female Speaker: What's that?

Female Speaker: Really?

Female Speaker: Just an FYI.

Female Speaker: I get why you had long hair.

Female Speaker: You smell good.

David: Now you're lying.

Female Speaker: I don't know.

David: Yeah, without causing pain?

How was that?

Female Speaker: That was a good one.

Female Speaker: What's that?

Female Speaker: I do.

Female Speaker: Was that four or a three?

“All right, let me show you. Nevermind.”

Female Speaker: What I would say ...

Female Speaker: What I would say?

David: Yeah, what would you say?

Female Speaker: Do you want to find out?

Female Speaker: Well, clearly you do.

Female Speaker: Kisser.

CHAPTER 10: ON SELF-ESTEEM

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To recap this section, attraction happens unconsciously. Micro-‐expressions are