A Biblical Husband

1. Never  makes his wife’s life bitter

Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives and never treat them
harshly.” The word “love” is in present tense, meaning unceasing and ongoing
action, while the language for “treating your wife harshly” is in the aorist tense,
meaning a one-time occurrence. In this context that means when it comes to a
husband being harsh with his wife, Paul’s policy is Not. Even. Once. You don’t
get to treat your wife harshly when you’re tired, frustrated, or it’s at the end of
a long day and you’re not getting what you want out of life or marriage. A
paraphrase for Paul’s advice to husbands would be, “always love, never be
harsh.”

Another translation for harsh, by the way, is anything that “makes her life
bitter.” If I believe the Bible, I should never do anything that makes my wife’s
life bitter. If leaving my socks on the floor bothers her, I should pick them up. If
a tone of voice makes her feel talked down to, I must stop using that tone of
voice. And of course, this verse absolutely rejects any notion of physical harm,
verbal abuse, or even threats.

biblical husband always loves and is never harsh.

2. Provides for his family  

1 Timothy 5:8 says, “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and
especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse
than an unbeliever.” Those husbands who play video games at home while their
wives work two jobs? They’re not “biblical husbands.”

I understand the desire men have to pursue their dreams vocationally. I don’t
think this verse objects to a wife working full-time while her husband is in
school—that’s preparing to provide and it’s work (even though you may not be
getting paid for it).  This admonition also doesn’t negate the wife also working,
especially since Proverbs 31 refers to an income earning wife. It does negate
the thought of a husband who is able to work not working out of selfishness or
laziness.

This verse challenged me when I was a young husband desperate to become a

writer and married a woman who was desperate to be a full-time stay-at-home
mom. I had to work a full-time job (and for a spell another part-time job added
on) for fifteen years and write on the side before I could write full-time, which is
partly what turned me into an early morning person (it was the only time I
could pursue my dream). So men, I get wanting to pursue a dream. It’s the
story of my life. I don’t get making your wife and children suffer so you can
pursue your dream. Wanting to be a “biblical” husband, I didn’t see that as an
option.

A biblical husband works hard to provide for his family.

3. Treats his wife with respect

1 Peter 3:7 tells me that if I don’t respect my wife, God won’t hear my prayers:
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and
treat them with respect…so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” It’s therefore
impossible for me to imagine that I could be a Christian in good standing if I fail
to respect my wife. Respect begins with my language—I’m never to be
condescending, nor hurtful, nor threatening. Respect includes making life
choices with my wife’s welfare at the top of my concern. Respect means I also
listen to her, value her opinion, and don’t talk her down to others. Respect
doesn’t mean I always agree with her or always do what she wants me
to do but it also means I don’t expect her to always agree with me or
always do what I want her to do.

A biblical husband respects his wife.

4. Takes initiative
Male chauvinism and domineering control have been a problem for all of human
history, but in society’s attempt to dismantle this sin the opposite sin—male
passivity—often gets overlooked. That’s the devil’s trap: if he knows he’s losing
his grip on tempting the church with one sin, he’ll try to get the church to fall
head-first into the opposite sin. Truth isn’t found by reacting to evil; it’s found
by responding to Christ and His Word.

If you take the Bible seriously, a husband’s love is an initiating

love. When the Bible tells men to love their wives like Christ loves the church
(Eph. 5:22ff), it’s calling us to an initiating, reaching-out love. Christ adopted
the breathtaking plan of becoming flesh to get His message across to us—a
bold, audacious and one-sided move. He willingly laid down His life to deal with
our sin when we didn’t deserve it. He is the most active figure in history, and He
continues to be so when He says, “I will build my church” (Matt. 16:18). He
hasn’t built but is building His church. A biblical husband is an active husband,
expending much energy and thought over how to build up his wife. He’s not
primarily thinking about how or whether she is serving Him; he’s focused on
what He can do for her.

A biblical husband is an initiating husband.

5. Speaks life to his wife

Proverbs 18:21 warns us, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” We
husbands are therefore called to choose every word—every single one—
carefully: “I tell you, on the Day of Judgment people will give account for every
careless word they speak,for by your words you will be justified, and by your
words you will be condemned.” (Matt. 12:36-37)

This includes words when we’re tired, angry, frustrated, hurt or disappointed.
The Bible moves us to make every word breathe life into our wives and
marriages.

A biblical husband uses his tongue to nurture, never to hurt.  

6. Values her sexual pleasure and needs

Our bodies aren’t just our own; on the day we get married, they also belong to
our wives (1 Cor. 7:3ff.). Which means we need to preserve a brain that values
her beauty, which enjoins us to resist comparing our wives to pornographic
images or other women walking down the street. It means when we make love,
we put her pleasure at the center of every experience, and that we preserve
enough energy to be able to engage in sexual relations. It means we spend
time and thought thinking up how to please her. It also means we try to take
care of our own bodies since they’re the only ones our wives are biblically
allowed to make love to. Offering a body and brain that’s broken down due to
neglect or indulgence (I’m not talking about age or disease here) is like feasting
at a restaurant and giving our wives the option of licking the plate. That’s not
generous; it’s gross.

A biblical husband disciplines himself and works to please his wife sexually.

7. Loves her out of reverence for God

1 John 3:1 and Ephesians 5:1 are key Bible verses declaring that we are God’s
children, which means my wife is God’s daughter. She will never not  be
God’s daughter, so I will have a lifelong motivation to love her and be faithful to
her, simply because I owe her Heavenly Father more than I could ever even
begin to repay.

This biblical truth has been a mainstay of my marital devotion from the time
God first hit me over the head with it when he convicted me, probably 25 years
ago now, about how lousy of a husband I was being: “Lisa isn’t just your wife,
she’s my daughter, and I expect you to treat her accordingly.” Having my own
children, and knowing how desperately I want them to be well-loved even
though I know they aren’t perfect, gives me just a glimpse of God’s desire for
me to love His daughter, my wife, and how much I can please Him by loving her
well.

A biblical husband loves his wife because she is, first and foremost, God’s
daughter.

8. Honors her more than she honors him

When I got married, I foolishly kept a scorecard, wondering if Lisa would treat
me as well as I was trying to treat her. That is one hundred and eighty degrees
different from the attitude the Bible calls me to have when Paul writes, “Outdo
one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10). According to Paul, at the end
of the day my goal should be that I honor my wife more than she honors me.
This means I focus more on what I’m called to do than on what she is called to
do.

A biblical husband focuses more on loving his wife well than on evaluating
whether he is being treated well.

9. Is committed to his wife for life in a covenantal relationship

When Jesus does talk about a marriage, He makes it clear that I get one choice,
and I am to be covenantally (not just contractually) committed to that choice
for the rest of my life—until either one of us dies. “I tell you that anyone who
divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman
commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9) If I want to honor Jesus, I can’t end my
marriage because I’m not satisfied or happy or think I made my choice too
hastily. Only my wife can give me grounds for divorce. If she’s not unfaithful to
me, my call is to work it out. If she abandons me or is unfaithful to me, that’s
not something I’m doing, that’s something she’s doing. She’s breaking the
covenant, not me. But for my part, I am to accept that this is my one and likely
only marriage, so I should nurture it, grow it, build it, and enjoy it. There won’t
be a second chance (not that I would want one).

10. Loves
Biblical love isn’t sentimental or emotional. It’s gritty and specific. Just look at 1
Corinthians 13:4ff. Love is patient; men, are we patient with our wives? Love is
kind; men, when’s the last time you’ve done something for your wife out of
sheer kindness and not to get something back? Love isn’t proud; men, do we
exalt ourselves over our wives or act like servants? Love doesn’t dishonor
others; men, how do we talk about our wives when we’re not with them? Love
isn’t self-seeking; men, are we more focused on what we’re getting out of
marriage than what we’re giving? Love isn’t easily angered; men, do our wives
feel safe and cherished in our gentle love? Love keeps no record of wrongs;
men, do we shove our wives’ past mistakes and sins back at them during an
argument? Love does not delight in evil; men, do we entice our wives to join us
in sin? Love always protects; men, do we endanger our wives’ health, energy,
joy and peace for our own selfish pursuits and pleasures? Love always
perseveres; men, are we committed to hanging in there, refusing to even utter
the word “divorce”?

A biblical husband loves his wife the way the Bible defines love.

These verses sidestep the complementarian/egalitarian divide. Whatever those

verses mean, all of the above apply to every husband in every marriage. If I
ever master these ten passages, maybe I’ll have time to wax eloquently on the
ones so many others seem so obsessed about arguing over. Until then, I’ve got
my hands full with what God clearly asks of me as a husband. And I hope every
spiritually alive husband reading this will feel the same.

P.S. For the men who say it’s not fair that I’m focusing on just the husbands
here, let me remind you that I wrote an entire book for women: Loving Him
Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband.  Publishers aren’t too
excited about publishing books with men as the primary audience, so I’m
slipping a bit of what I’d say in a book to men into this blog. Plus, I like the
biblical reminders about how I’m  supposed to behave toward Lisa. I need them
to stay the course.

1) A Godly Woman Always Seeks to be Modest in Her Dress. Then out came a

woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent. (NIV).
(Proverbs 7:10)
By contrast, the ungodly woman's clothing points to herself and her body instead
of her Father in Heaven and His holiness. Remember the words of Paul in the
New Testament? God emphasizes a beauty of the unseen character. The flesh
flaunts the body, God beautifies the spirit. I also want women to dress modestly,
with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive
clothes (1 Timothy 2:9, NIV).
2) A Godly Woman Always Seeks to be Holy in Her Conduct. Come, let's drink
deep of love till morning; let's enjoy ourselves with love! My husband is not at
home; he has gone on a long journey…  (Proverbs 7:18 - 29, NIV)
A godly woman fears the Lord. She seeks God's will over the approval of anyone
else on earth. Her fear of God makes her aware of the future consequence of her
choices. A godly woman avoids any present situation that would be destructive
for her future usefulness to God. Do you not know that your body is a temple of
the  Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your
own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. (1
Corinthians 6:19-20, NIV)
3) A Godly Woman Always Seeks to be Truthful in Speech and Motives. With
her enticing speech she caused him to yield, With her flattering lips she seduced
him. Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, Or as a fool to
the correction of the stocks, Till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the
snare, He did not know it [would cost] his life. (Proverbs 7:21-23,NKJV)
This deceitful woman is an ugly woman because she is self-driven and wants her
way. Her words and actions lead the man on a path to destruction. A beautiful
woman wears heavenly beauty as God's Word describes it.
4) A Godly Woman Seeks to be Gentle and Quiet. The woman Folly is loud; she
is undisciplined and without knowledge. (Proverbs 9:13, NIV) She is loud and
defiant, her feet never stay at home (Proverbs 7:11 NIV)
This includes disrespect, hostility, aggressiveness and cunningness. All of these
qualities are bad news.
And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able
to teach, not resentful. (2 Timothy 2:24, NIV)
Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and
quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (1 Peter 3:4, NIV)
Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey
the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when
they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment
be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—
rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a
gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this
manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned
themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham,
calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with
any terror. Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor
to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life,
that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:1-7)
Moms and dads, what kind of woman are you raising? A wise woman or a foolish
one? Does she dress in a way that draws a young man to think about her body
and its enticements or her spirit and its beauty? Does she have a holy hatred of
sin? Does she use her powers to get her own way? Does she manipulate by tears,
looks and whatever it takes to accomplish her ends? Is she argumentative, easily
quarreling and fighting with you or her brothers and sisters?
Or is she peaceable, gentle and easily entreated? If negative traits become
ingrained in her character, the future could be at stake. One gifted expositor in
writing about these verses said, “ ...we may say with a surgeon’s frankness, her
home will be like Scarlett’s -- troubled, torn down, and literally Gone with the
Wind.”
5) A Godly Woman Seeks to Care for the Home. She seeks wool and flax, And
willingly works with her hands. (Proverbs 31:13, NKJV)
She manages her home well (Titus 2:5.) She loves to tangibly serve others with
food and skills. She has a home that is open and hospitable and she is given to
ministry to the sick and needy and less fortunate.
6) A Godly Woman Seeks to Serve Others. She also rises while it is yet night,
and provides food for her household, and a portion for her maidservants. She
extends her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her hands to the
needy. (Proverbs 31:15, 20, NKJV) She has learned the love of Christ for others.
7) A Godly Woman Strives to be a Person Who Can be Trusted. The heart of
her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will
do him good and not evil all the days of her life (Proverbs 31:11-16).
8) A Godly Woman Seeks to be Prudent in Financial Matters. She considers a
field and buys it; from her profits she plants a vineyard. She makes linen garments
and sells [them,] and supplies sashes for the merchants. (Proverbs 31:16, 24, NKJV)
She is a saver not a spender. She can see beyond today alone.
9) A Godly Woman Seeks to be a Hard Worker. She girds herself with strength,
and strengthens her arms. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hand
holds the spindle. (Proverbs 31:17,19, NKJV) God puts a premium on hard work
and so she moves toward it not away. There is no slothfulness, indolence or lack
of motivation.
10) A Godly Woman Seeks to Do the Right Thing and Have a Good
Reputation. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders
of the land. (Proverbs 31:23)
Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he fall
into reproach and the snare of the devil. (1 Timothy 3:7)
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth
her (Proverbs 31:28).